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instagram au: his girl - mason mount

a collection of photos of mason and his girlfriend as he supports her through to her graduation

pictures are not mine, credit to the original owners

masonmount✔️

liked by tyronemings and others.

masonmount last date night before i lose her to serial killers🙄🙄

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masonmount think i might get this framed

yourinstagram what a peculiar thing to say

↳masonmount am i or am i not losing you to serial killers

↳yourinstagram im referring to the fact u thought this was a date🤕

↳masonmount i bought you flowers.

↳yourinstagram bro u got them for free off an old lady

jackgrealish i’m confused about the caption

↳yourinstagram dont u worry ur pretty little head jacky

jazbenham still wondering how she agreed to date you

↳masonmount i’m rich and fit

↳yourinstagram ^^^ the first statement yes, second no.

timowerner i’d like to opt out of training until y/n finishes her degree i hate whiney mason

yourinstagram

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yourinstagram deadlines are looming but i’m too busy making the bedroom look comfier

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masonmount are those my joggers🤔

↳yourinstagram no baby they’re OUR joggers❤️

masonmount can you answer your phone i’ve been waiting for 10 minutes

↳yourinstagram sorry y/n is busy rn call back later x

sophiaaemelia ur too hot to stress about deadlines

↳yourinstagram this is what i keep trying to tell myself smh

benchilwell how long did it take to set your room up for this picture😂

↳yourinstagram longer than u last in bed

landonorris you don’t look like you’re working very hard

↳yourinstagram u drive a car for a living what wld u know abt hard work🥲🥲

masonmount✔️

liked by benchilwell and others.

masonmount i’m pretty good with my distraction techniques

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yourinstagram i just feel sorry for u

↳masonmount shut your mouth

↳yourinstagram make me

↳masonmount now you just look desperate

kaihavertz there are children on this app

↳masonmount okay virgin mary👍

rlc is that a chain👀

↳yourinstagram he’s trying out a new style

calteck10 you two are just like a teenage couple

↳masonmount you don’t have to be jealous if you ask nicely y/n might let you join

↳yourinstagram we have actually been looking for a third, how tall are u

↳calteck10 taller than mase

↳yourinstagram brilliant, text me x

yourinstagram

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yourinstagram the mood for today😴😴

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sophiaaemelia gorgeous girly

↳yourinstagram just come here and kiss me already x

↳sophiaaemelia say no more im omw

masonmount my pretty girl

↳yourinstagram love u masey❤️❤️

masonmount what’s under that duvet

↳yourinstagram why don’t u come home and find out😼😼

declanrice studying proper hard aren’t you🤨

↳yourinstagram how many gcse’s do u have liam gallagher ?

↳declanrice fuck off🤣

↳lauren_fryer she just mugged you right off

masonmount✔️

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masonmount stolen by the laptop once again

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yourinstagram not my fault all u ever talk abt is football and kai

↳masonmount sorry that kai is funnier than you

↳yourinstagram kai tells u jokes in german so u don’t even understand

↳kaihavertz he’s in the top 10 on duo lingo

↳reecejames wondered why you two kept hiding in the laundry room together🤐🤐

masonmount brought you for coffee to be your personal cheerleader and you’ve barely even looked at me

↳yourinstagram cheer louder, can’t hear u over the sound of the coffee girls second heart beat

itsamelewigi take the hint mase she’s sick of you

↳masonmount daft if you think she could ever get sick of me

sanchooo10 mate post a selfie or something you’re like y/n 2.0

↳masonmount my missus is fit sancho let me show her off

yourinstagram

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yourinstagram few free hours?? sneak into cobham✅

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yourinstagram mason’s looking extra fit today so i thought i’d share x

yourinstagram masonmount gonna show me some tricks w that tongue😼😼

↳masonmount someone’s feeling needy today

↳yourinstagram can u blame me when you’ve been running around in those whore shorts

kepaarrizabalaga thanks for showing mason up in the pen shootout

↳yourinstagram i had the best teacher😙

reecejames what number you getting on the back of your shirt

↳yourinstagram was thinking 69

↳benchilwell why do you have the humour of a 13 year old boy

↳yourinstagram probably bc i spend half my time with u

tammyabraham can you stop posting mason i’m about to drown in the tears of his fans

↳yourinstagram i don’t think it’s tears ur drowning in tam

↳masonmount turn your phone off and get back to ted bundy

masonmount✔️

liked by jazbenham and others.

masonmount my girl’s smarter than yours😜

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itsamelewigi well done squish!!! drinks on me tonight❤️❤️

reecejames congrats y/n!!! the better half of this weird relationship

yourinstagram cant believe u refused to post the pic w my tits out🙄🙄

↳masonmount saving those for later

benchilwell yooooooo smarty pants

chunkz you’ve been outdone here mase

↳masonmount i cant even pretend to be mad about it😂

thiagosilva well deserved🥳🥳

tammyabraham “my girl” down bad bro

↳masonmount locked down🤣🤣

lauren_fryer pretty, smart, funny, can make mint sunday roasts, she’s too good for you mount

yourinstagram

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yourinstagram COMPLETED IT MATE💃💃these past three years have been hell but all the crying made me sexier

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masonmount that’s my girl❤️

sasha__rebecca she’s hot AND smart, so proud of you gorgeous🤍🤍

↳yourinstagram loving u the most!!!

declanrice so can you like solve crime now???

↳yourinstagram shall we test it out?

↳judebellingham 999 i think i’m about to witness a murder

masonmount can’t wait to show off how smart you are to everyone

↳yourinstagram please don’t, i only associate with degree level people now

↳masonmount okay but you’re literally friends with kai

↳yourinstagram u know how much i love helping out with charity

jazbenham so so proud of you!! no one deserves this more❤️❤️

↳yourinstagram love u sm jaz!! <3

masonmount✔️

liked by judebellingham and others.

masonmount proud is an understatement, no words could ever describe how incredibly happy i am for you. you’ve worked harder than anyone i know these past few years and missed out on so many things you love just so you could get this degree, i love you more than you could ever know baby❤️

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masonmount got something extra special for you tonight😏

↳yourinstagram does it rhyme with stick

↳masonmount no it rhymes with lake get your head out of the gutter

yourinstagram thank u for putting up w my terrible mood swings and 4am mornings💙💙

yungchalobah this is the soppiest thing ive ever seen from you but congrats y/n!!! smarter than all of us together

↳masonmount she still has to count on her fingers.

↳yungchalobah yeah but she has a degree what do you have mount

↳masonmount trophies.

↳yourinstagram u constantly talking abt ur trophies is actually giving me the ick

lukeshaw if i thought you were punching before you’re definitely punching now

cesarazpi you next mase💪😂

yourinstagram

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yourinstagram surprise trip to paris for graduating? my bf is better than urs <3

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masonmount my favourite girl🤍

↳yourinstagram i love you so much xxxx

benchilwell fake news it’s a green screen

↳yourinstagram sorry not all of us stay locked up in our shag pads x

↳benchilwell that’s just because you can’t afford a shag pad

↳yourinstagram chilly residence? porn star central

↳masonmount uncalled for🤣

itsamelewigi mason’s never taken me to paris

↳declanrice that’s because you don’t sleep with him

↳yourinstagram neither do i

↳declanrice my spare bedroom would suggest otherwise

↳yourinstagram shhh the mason girls can see

sophiaaemelia this might be the nicest thing he’s ever done

↳yourinstagram he’s a try hard🙄

📲 all of them / any that you want because they all seem amusing to imagine from brandon

😃 : a happy text

[text] Jae! Thank u for helping me with the bouquet ur one of the real ones babe i’m gonna have 2 treat u to thank u properly

😍 : a loving text

[text] hey hon. just thought about ur cute lil kitten face and how glad I am 2 no ur cute lil kitten face. no bt really i’m glad we r friends Jae ur one of the real ones i basically just wanted 2 check in and see how u r bt reading this back its v mushy and thats gross lmao quick send me a hot selfie before this gets all feelingsy (totally saved it) do love u tho bt dont tell anyone i have a rep to keep 😘

🤓 : a nerdy text

[text] JAE. BUDDY. i’ve been commissioned for a floral dress and i fuckin love floral work but idk much about the flowers they asked for so ya girl needs to pick ur smart lil flower brain. i’ll pay obvs and treat u to lunch? lmk if u can and when ur free i’m so hype for this

🤪 : a goofy text

[text] babe i just saw a jacket that would look 🥵🥵🥵 on u bc it’s 🔥🔥🔥 let me dress u up pretty pls

😞 : a disappointed text

[text] can’t believe u didn’t send me at least 1 shirtless collar selfie after everything i haven’t done for u smh this relationship is v 1 sided id totally send them 2 u ☹️☹️☹️

😔 : a sad text

[text] Hey. I know I said I’d be over first thing for those flowers for me but can I pick them up later instead? Everything’s just fucked at work right now and I am TIRED. Sorry that’s not your problem I know but I’d appreciate if you kept hold of them for me. I’ll swing by before you close, I promise x

😒 : an unamused text

[text] u really not gonna laugh at my top quality meme? Smh why do I think ur hot again?

😟 : a worried text

[text] Hey kit. I saw you on my way to work this morning and you didn’t look like you were in a good mood. Is everything okay? Do you want to talk about it or need a distraction? I have some horrible jokes if you do. Or we can grab lunch? You don’t have to text back if you’re not feeling it just let me know how you are when you can. x

🥺 : a pleading text

[text] hey r u free for a rant date today. i’ll provide dinner I just need a good bitch sesh bc u don’t put up with my shit 🥺🥺🥺

😠 : an angry text

[text] What the actual fuck do you think you’re playing at?? You really thought you could get away with stealing my shit?? I gave you a job and welcomed you into the team and you’re really trying to pull this fucking stunt?!

😳 : an embarrassed text

[text] found my phone! was in the back of the cab. i can’t believe i gave ur address I’m so embarrassed 😰😰😰 thank u for not kicking me out i’ve ordered u a gift basket ur one of the real ones Jae truly i’m home now and will not be makin eye contact with u for at least 5 months thnx

😨 : a scared text

[text] Kit, are you up? Sorry for texting so late. I went to grab some things from the office and I don’t feel great walking home by myself. Can I call?

🤔 : a pensive text

[text] do u think wed still b friends if i wasnt so annoyingly persistent about being in ur life? sometimes i wonder if we would and sometimes i think were 2 hot not 2 b friends. 😫 srsly tho what do u think??

🤥 : a lying text

[text] i didnt order u a cool jacket so if u get one dont try 2 bring it 2 me 2 return thnx

😯 : a surprised text

[text] YO I CANT BELIEVE HOW SOFT U LOOK AROUND FLOWERS WHEN U CAN KILL A MAN WITH UR BARE HANDS WTF 😭😭😭

🤫 : a secretive text

[text] Am I allowed to talk to you about something serious? I need advice but I need it to stay between us.

🥱 : a sleepy text

[text] just got off the plane and i am ready for death💀💀💀i need a weeks work of beauty sleep

🥴 : a drunk text

[text] YO BROSKI REMEMBER WHEN I WAS TELLING U WHAT UD LOOK SUPER HOT IN? ID LIKE TO ADD TO THE LIST. MY BED AGAIN BUT ALSO TATTOOS?? LIKE 🥵🥵🥵 this guy in the club has a sleeve and a bad attitude wish me luck 🥴🥴🥴

The Night You Cared: Epilogue.

Pairing: Modern!Ivar Lothbrok x Reader

Summary: She is back. For how long?

Warnings: Angst

Words: 5340

A/N: End of my first Ivar fict! Hope you guys enjoyed it xx.

Part I / Part II 

Listen to: Stubborn Love - The Lumineers.

“He couldn’t even look at his parents faces after that. I swear to the gods, master students are just undergraduates on crack.” You rambled lightheartedly, phone on one of your hands and the heavy luggage rolling right next to you. “Oop, sorry.” You apologised to the old, white bearded man attempting to leave the building at the same time you tried to get in. “Thank you.” You mouthed with a smile and a scrunched nose, trying to look past the dark sunglasses of the man holding the door for you.

Ubbe released a short and breathy laugh. You could not see him, but you knew him well enough to notice he sounded way too distracted to formulate a proper answer to your anecdote. You knew he had things to tell you, bubbling under the surface like water about to boil, waiting patiently for you to finish with what you had to say as he always did.

Part of you already knew what he wanted to ask. As much as you loved Ubbe, his drive was wired the same way as all Lothbroks: business, business, business. Sure, he was located in the HR department and understood the way you saw things. But, as a Ragnarsson, he could not see your desire of avoiding a life between cubicles and constant phonecalls.

“Well,” you exhaled, “I’m officially back home.”

“In which hotel are you staying? I can pay you a visit as soon as I finish with these papers.” You could picture him letting go the papers on the table like white pigeons as he casually leaned back against his chair. You waited for the lift, eyes focused on the flicking numbers above your head.

Ubbe knew about your never recovered relationship with your parents. They never called you back, not even after the success of your new business was announced through local and regional media. Although for them, the news of you working for another sector other than theirs after the humiliation they had to endure at your graduation party may have felt like a slap in their faces. No one assisted to your masters graduation other than your remaining English friends. You did receive heartwarming messages from Aslaug and her sons, who apologised for not being there with you. It was a lonely ending for such an important stage of your life, but you swiftly got through it. Soon enough you got into a graduate scheme at the British council and a big part of you was relieved that you got to spend another year without facing the problems awaiting for you in Kattegat.

Now you had consumed all your borrowed time, leaving you drowning in the sterile sand clock you got yourself into, unable to put down roots in your hometown after your parents decided to pull them all out.

“Hotel Boneless and Co.” You mumbled through a dramatic sigh, stretching your arms up and puffing your chest as you heard the ding of the machine and the pop of your bones. You were carefully rolling your suitcase into the mirror covered lift when you heard the wheels of a chair rolling loudly on the other line. “I can send you my location if you don’t know where it is.” You joked as you pressed a button and stepped out of the lift. 

Ivar lived in one of the top floors of the building and you perfectly knew it was a suicide attempt to try and climb the stairs. But the thing was, you spent your whole day sitting on your ass and the last thing you wanted to do was to use your legs even less. ‘I’ll just call the lift once I feel tired’ you thought. ‘Nobody is going to steal my suitcase anyway.’ You brushed your concerns off, feeling the cosiness of class privilege surrounding you.

“Does Ivar know you’re staying at his place?” Although his voice sounded carefree, cautiousness and apprehension vibrated through his cherry picked words.

Your breath got caught up right in your throat, unsure if it was due to the fourth set of stairs you just rushed through or because you had no explanation for your mad reasoning. You shut your eyes briefly, licking your lips as you prepared to speak.

“It’s not like the first time I left, I promise.” You mumbled, your pulse thumping in your ears as you tried to not exhale heavily through the phone. “We actually talked during the past year.”

Technically, you were not lying. You two did spend time talking, sharing your everyday anecdotes through video calls or short text messages. He told you with pride about how the company stock was rising slowly but steadily, or how he was considering therapy. For his legs. On the other hand, you showed him your improving cooking skills and tenderly warned him about not stressing over things he could not control. 

Although, truth be told, that was nine months ago.

You were not to confess this, specially not to Ubbe, but although you tried, your conversations and overall relationship did not seem to endure the distance very well. Slowly withering like flowers deep into autumn, the last message you sent him was a picture of a smashed avocado toast you had for breakfast with the caption ‘The only thing I’m smashing these days smh’. A little grey bubble with the word ‘Yummy!’ seemed to be the full stop to your year long conversation.

It wasn’t until you stopped on the sixth floor, sore legs burning and short huffs escaping from your lips when you noticed the silence on the other line.

“That doesn’t answer my question, (Y/n).” Ubbe finally sighed, voice sounding tired all of the sudden.

“Well,” you strolled past the long corridor of the sixth floor, searching for the lift calmly. “we can consider myself as the best promotion gift he’s going to receive.” You smirked as you remembered the news.

A few months after your graduation you were informed by Bjorn about the death of Aslaug. You were told she died in a car crash, that the brothers were mourning, hence the lack of communication during those months. The oldest Ragnarsson did not seem phased about the news, which was understandable due to the lack of relationship he had with the woman. However, he was soon pulled into a legal battle between the Aslaugssons and Lagertha, with Ivar investing most of his time and resources in lawyers and private investigators, convinced that the death of his mother was planned. Because of that, he thought that the best idea was to leave Kattegat for awhile, investigating the markets of different nations to see if he could expand the legacy his father left.

You heard later on that Ivar won the legal battle after investing at least half of his wealth in lawyers and legal counsellors. In two days he was going to celebrate his rise, ‘just like a coronation’, Ubbe mocked, a bittersweet tone tinting his voice.

“(Y/n)...” Ubbe licked his lips as he leaned forward and rested his weight on his elbows.

“I know, I know, I should have called and said something,” you started to ramble, arms moving up and down as you got yourself in the lift, eyes locked on the lone suitcase left in the middle of the tiny space as you mindlessly pressed the last floor button. “but to be honest, would it really have been really necessary?”

“(Y/n). I can’t hear you.” Ubbe frowned as he started to hear your voice being cut repeatedly. 

 “I mean, it’s only been one year, what could have changed? What could he have done?”

“(Y/n).”

“Sell the loft his dear mother bought him? Developed a God complex? Join a cult? Get married?” You blew a raspberry, rolling your eyes as you heard the ding and saw the doors slide wide open.

At the other end of the line, Ubbe shifted his weight as he tapped his index and middle finger on the shiny table. Its a small gesture, but it helps relieving the pressure he started to feel on himself. At that time you reached the silver door, your virgin nails pressing down the doorbell as your ears processed the sweet ring that came with it.

“Ivar has... changed a little bit.” Ubbe mentions, not sure where to restart the conversation. He acknowledged he could have been a better brother to his little one, maybe they would have never reached this situation. “You will be surprised.” You kept yourself quiet for a moment, a discreet side smirk making your eyes squint.

“I’m sure I’ll figure him out.” You praised yourself, lowering your voice to a mere whisper as you talked to yourself. “I’m pretty sure we were built together by the gods anyway.”

“Huh?” Ubbe squinted, tilting his head as he could hear you talking under your breath.

“Uh nothing,” you fidgeted while you looked around, weirded out by the fact that Ivar did not seem to be at home on a weekend afternoon. Your free hand rested on your hip as you looked around, foot tapping rhythmically at the melody on your head as you pressed the button again. “Oh.”

“What?” Ubbe straightened his back.

For a mere second, your furtive eyes captured a swift move of lights and shadows slipping under the door frame, your eyes blinking rapidly at the sudden vision as you shook your head confused.

“I uh... I think I just saw someone... walking past the door?” You frowned, brushing it off as tiredness while you picked your stuff on the floor. “Never mind, I think he’s not at home. I’ll call Warwick and book a room.” You started to walk away from the door, suitcase rolling behind you as you strolled back into the lift.

“Oh wow, the little rich girl can only afford four star hotels right now?” Ubbe mocked, knowing perfectly you would be pissed at his comment, snickering as you told him to fuck off. “(Y/n)...” He called your name after your giggles died down, the sudden cold tone making you shiver with anticipation. “Have you thought about the offer?” He asked cautiously, not wishing to rush you into making any decisions. You already had a lot on your plate and something told him your stay here would end up breaking you.

“Ubbe... I—“ You hesitated. “I’m not going to lie, Haiti sounds nice and the job position sounds tempting.” Your inner cheek felt the bite of your teeth, your hips rocking forward and backwards as you stretched down. “but I’ve got things I wish to take care of in Kattegat now.” You smiled at your last sentence, the thought of your little local at the heart of your hometown and its co-owner crossing your mind. “I no longer need to run away anymore.”

 At the other side of the door, a distracted Ivar calmly read the financial reports of the last months as he sipped whiskey neat, never raising his head while he put the glass down on the counter.

“Who was it?”

“I don’t know... a seller, maybe?” A sugary and melodic voice spoke behind him, bare feet squeaking on the wooden floor as she moved back to the sofa, carefree. “It’s okay, I don’t think she knows we were at home.”

“That’s not possible, sellers are not allowed into the building.” Ivar considers, eyes looking up as he processed who could have been. Since your departure and the death of his mom, with Floki and Helga away, nobody ever visited him much. His brothers would see him every weekday at the offices and Erik was only there when he needed a ride. Only Freydis was around now and that was completely fine by him. She knew what he needed. She knew how special he really was.

“It was this woman talking on the phone with huge suitcases, she must be selling kitchenware or insurances or something.” She responded vaguely as she stood up at the sight of her fiancé perking his head up after hours focused on his job.

“Wait...” He stood still, his sudden hunch making his stomach churn. He felt the bare arms of his loved one caress and hug his chest and shoulders from behind, the hypnotising and honey like scent invading his senses like an anaesthetic. Notwithstanding, that little annoying feeling in his gut never left. “Darling, where is my phone?” He asked, his fiancée leaving his side as she looked for the device.

SLOW DANCING IN THE DARK - Joji

You pursed your lips as you idly passed your hands over your gown, the sound of your heels clicking on the ground drowned by the numerous voices echoing in the tall, french style ceilings. You were pretty surprised your name was actually on the guest list. You had previously joked with Bjorn about being his plus one and how he was 88% sure he’d end up gods know were like Sigurd if Ivar ever saw you entering the gala joined by the hip, pretty certain Ivar did not know about your arrival. Guess you couldn’t surprise him anymore, cursing his brothers for telling him you were back in Kattegat. 

The spot was not exactly like the one where your downfall took place, yet it filled your heart with the same sadness and anxiety, as if you were about to live another disappointment all over again. As you reached the main room, your walked more cautiously, as if the marble tiles were the ones marked and in charge of causing you pain if you took the wrong step.

“Nice dress.” You heard a feminine yet deep voice speaking to you, making you raise your head and brows.

The woman in front of you looked like a goddess. Like an actual goddess.

She could even be Freya, dark locks running free and caressing her shoulders, an aura of mystery covering her tall frame as she walked past an speechless you. Damn the wealthy and the powerful. Damn Ivar and his godlike contacts.

You couldn’t even say thank you, the woman long gone as she approached an oddly familiar old man at the other end of the room.

You shook your head in confusion, looking around trying to find any known faces to hold yourself onto.

“Well well well, look who we have here?” Your heart fluttered with joy as you saw the blond, long haired Ragnarsson approach you with the cheekiest grin in Kattegat.

“Hvitty!” You beamed, a shiny smile parting your lips as you reached for a hug. “Look at you, who’s the lucky one taking you home tonight?” You winked, hands grabbing the lapels of his suit tenderly.

“Well the night is still young, but I can put you first on the waiting list if you want to.” You released a careless laugh, throwing back your head as you cheerfully shook your head.

“I’m afraid my mind is already taken, baby.” You rolled your eyes, finally feeling the happiness that had been gradually dripping away from you coming back. “And this,” you pointed at your body as you twirled, “is a package deal.”

You noticed his blue eyes seemed way too out of focus for a brief moment, contrasting deeply with the airy laugh he released at your joke. You wondered what had he seen, body slowly turning back until you hear him talking to you again.

“C’mon, are you telling me you didn’t fool around in York?” Hvitserk raised his brow. Your lips parted, the ghost of a smile adorning your face as you shook your head. 

“I love your brother, Hvitserk.” You confessed with a weak voice, not willing to let the rest of the party hear such open secret coming from your mouth. “I always have. I mean,” you huffed, shaking your head, “he’s a hell of a person to love, let’s just say I had to learn to love him.” You swore to the gods you had never seen Hvitserk, the most careless family member of the Lothbroks, look so concerned as he listened to you, his spark dying down as words left your mouth. “I— I know we’ve clashed for so long, and I’ve figured out that the truth is, we got to make sacrifices for the people we love. I resented him for so long because I thought he was selfish and he hated me at the same time because he thought I was selfish.” You took a deep breath as you reached your conclusion, ignoring how the young Ragnarsson kept looking behind you nervously. “And all of this was because... We were way too obsessed with the desire of having everything going your way. The night I let the past go was the best night of my life.” Hvitserk swallowed before looking at you.

“Is this why you decided to keep your share of the bar and reject Ubbe’s offer?”

“(Y/n?)” You felt every part of your body tingle at the sound of your name, blood rushing in your ears as you turned around. Your eyes were wide open, making their way up the suited up person that was now standing right in front of you.

“Ivar.” You whispered, eyes heavy and blurry sight as you hugged him tightly.

He hugged you back, the tip of his nose pressed against your head as he inhaled your scent, heart at ease and mind in peace at last. 

“Ivar, look at you,” You cupped his face as you separated, lips travelling straight towards his. To your surprise he pushed away your hips slightly with his free hand, making you miss your target as you kept your hands where they were. “You can walk?” He nodded, eyes full of you and pupils so dilated to take you in better. Yet his face seemed expressionless, the force of his emotions hidden and tucked away.

Maybe that should have served you as a sign that things had truly changed.

“Yes, princess, I can walk.” He repeated, voice as soft as the touch that indicated you to stay a few steps away from him. You frowned slightly this time, your heart clenching painfully.

“Hey, you must be (y/n)!” A cheerful woman came by with Ubbe, who stayed behind her with a defeated look. Her little frame got close enough to pull you into her embrace, letting you know how glad she was of meeting you at last.

The two oldest brother exchanged a hardened glance, lips pursed as they observed how everything slowly started to crumble.

“So you’re the girl who made this guy human?” She stands by Ivar, puppy eyes looking up as if she devoted everything she had to him.

“I... guess?” You hesitated. “And you are?”

The petite blonde woman raises her left hand, showing a hard yet so fragile stone reflect every single beam of light in the room.

So bright were the reflections, they actually burned you down.

You could hear a lot of people talk and see her lips moving as if someone slowed down time, as if you died went to Hel with Hela and the doomed ones.

Then you looked at Ivar, his eyes never looking at you. That is when you noticed: you couldn’t read him anymore.

He didn’t seem to have only started a new chapter.

He started a whole new book.

You were pretty much out of the conversation at that point. You heard her name was Freydis, that she applied for a position as his assistant in the past. That she never thought she’d become the wife of the CEO.

“The nurse got really pissed when she heard he had been walking around without crutches before he started treatment.” Freydis said sweetly, hand on his chest as she caressed it with care. The statement snapped you out of your trance, eyes immediately finding Ivar, who shook his head slightly to the sides in an attempt to calm you down. He knew you were going to blame yourself for that. You were not at fault, in fact, you were the main reason why he tried to become better in every single way possible. Because that was what you deserved, because that was what you were. “He could have hurt himself with whatever he was attempting to do.”

Apparently, she also convinced him to get therapy for his strong mood swings and past traumas.

Little did she know, the decision came from Ivar after the last time he was with you. But you didn’t know that either and your heart broke a little bit more with every anecdote she told, every single story where she miraculously came and fixed the mistakes you made.

You could see how she was making him a better person.

“... But Ivar doesn’t really like to dance... yet.” It felt like a rambling at that point, a certain tint of fanaticism dyeing the conversation and turning it sour. You were tired at that point, eyes almost permanently stuck on the ground if it wasn’t from the tears you had to get rid of my looking up. You shot your eyes at him the moment you processed her last words, wondering expression etched on your face while he cleared his throat and looked away. It didn’t seem like him. You remember he used to insist on you to dance, like an ‘ordinary folk’.

The truth was, you never got to dance together. Too many things changed through the years, and there was this one thing he didn’t want to change too, which was how you were his first in everything worth remembering. Memories were simply sweeter with you in it. Because, as Freydis said, you made him human. 

The thing was, he needed to be a God now.

He knew that you would be happier doing what you do, being free and helping people in ways he couldn’t even phantom.

Letting you go like this was the biggest sacrifice he will ever make.

To have you as a business partner would suffice, he always loved to watch you be you, working your ass off, to care so deeply about everybody like nobody else in his circle ever does.

“Ivar, Harald and Astrid are here.” Hvitserk finally intervened, the sight of your weakened state too much for your partner in crime to bear. Ivar nodded, sorry eyes staying a little bit longer on your hardened features before following his fiancée and brother.

“How was I not invited to the engagement party?” You asked to Ubbe, eyes still locked on your now ex’s back. Just like you couldn’t put a finger on when it started, you couldn’t really think of when your relationship ended.

“Cause it was nine months ago.” Ubbe mumbled, helping you put the little pieces together. You nodded.

“How?” You swallowed, not sure if you wanted to know. “How did they meet?” Ubbe pursed his lips, tilting his head tiredly as he sighed.

“She was a call girl Ivar used to hire regularly.” He tried to brush it off by shrugging. “I am not sure what happened, but Ivar started to get back to his old habits after you left. The only thing that remained the same was the local you guys own, he regularly checked everything was alright. One day Hvitty and I saw her leaving our offices, all suited up and everything.” You nodded, encouraging to keep going. “And boom, all of the sudden, after Lagertha’s trial, they were engaged.” He exhaled. You remained silent, feeling how a sneaky tear streamed down your face. “(Y/n)?”

“I think I need some air.” You whispered, stepping away from the oldest Aslaugsson and the rest of the crowd.

At least here out in the starless night you could blame your runny nose and teary eyes on the cold.

“Remember when we used to laugh at those sappy ass couples?” You asked out loud after standing by yourself for a while, heart more serene now that you took your time to accept that maybe you were not as good for him as you thought. You wait for Ivar to get closer, the sound of his crutches marking his distance rhythmically. You turn around and you can see concern itched on his features, lips parted as he looked down, checking the damage he had done. You force a smile instead, your fist hitting his shoulder playfully as you spoke. “Seems like you are one now.”

Ivar looked at Freydis slowly, who remained inside with Ubbe and Torvi, letting a sigh relief his chest.

“Yes. Yes I am.”

It was such a change of dynamics what Ivar experienced. With you, love and intimacy was never rom-com worthy. Love was roasting each other every other day, picking up on each others scars while making sure they never open again. Love was natural, fluid.

Now with Freydis, he seemed to need to prove her where she remained in his circle in a daily basis, lovey dovey words making sure she knew where she stood in his life. Truth be told, it was easier this way to love someone. He just needed to make sure to shower her with nice things, just like she did when she saw him doubting himself.

“How does it feel to be permanently tall now?” You asked, trying to change the subject as you felt the tenderness of his voice as he spoke about his future wife.”Don’t you feel like you’re going to fall at anytime?” Ivar smirks, resting himself in the railing you were pointing at.

“Nah.”

“What if I pushed you though.” You joked lightly, hand on his back as if you were truly going to do so. Ivar shrugs calmly before looking at you.

“I mean, it wouldn’t be the first time you make me fall.” You roll your eyes, remembering the conversation you had the first night where everything seemed to be in the right place.

“Oh, c’mon, I already apologised and I don’t even remember it.” You refer to that time you supposedly made him stand up for the first time.

Ivar smiled nostalgically. He didn’t mean that.

“You know I’ll be around if you need me.” Ivar promised sincerely after staring at you for what it seemed like an eternity, getting closer to you as you nodded weakly. “I have to go and give a speech now, please wait for me until I finish it, alright? Be there for me.” He placed a finger under your chin as he inspected your face, puffy eyes, blood flushed cheeks and pouted lips revealing the damage he had done.

He just wanted to ask for a dance, discreetly, before his wedding day takes away the chance of feeling you twirling around him on his last first dance.

His hand held your fingers tightly. 

Rough skin never felt so soft, the warmth of his touch contrasting with the cold blue eyes staring at you. His brows were slightly furrowed, solely noticeable for the ones that dared to stand closer to him. Marks appeared on his forehead, horizontal lines crossing out the words his parted lips refused to let out of his mind. Ivar was holding himself back, letting the fire of his fears and yearnings consume him from within. Only his eyes exposed his introspection, your heart clenching as you saw him process his thoughts. It did feel like he was holding to you for dear life, not wanting to let go like a kid who caught his first butterfly.

Until he did.

He took a step back, glancing briefly towards your direction before parting, heavy steps ringing in your ears louder than the classical music playing in the room.

He was not going to leave.

But you knew, deep down, that he was gone already.

You followed suit and collected all your strength left to move yourself into the room. Your legs seemed to burn, unwilling to take you closer to the golden stage for someone to end your remaining emotional and mental health left with a few words.

You see from afar how he gets onstage with Freydis, who hugged his broad frame with care before he grabbed the mic. He started talking about his father, how everything started with him and how Aslaug maintained the business when he was gone. He talked about taking risks, success and investing in things that had value and fight for them.

"Enough about business, tell us about that piece of cake next to you!” A family friend shouted, his huge round tummy serving as a place to rest his hand, his braided beard caressing his exposed skin as he laughed. 

Ivar, standing right above the crowd, seemed to throw daggers with his stare, unhappy that a drunk man interrupted his ceremonial speech. But next to him the woman he was going to spend his life with giggled carelessly, getting closer to him with the wish of her fiancé to sing her praises to everybody in the room. 

“How did that woman you love ‘successfully invested’ in you!” He speaks again and at this point, Ivar is fuming. 

You looked around concerned, knowing that your childhood friend was short fused and may do something that could trouble him sooner or later. It didn’t help that the rest of the crowd was laughing too, insisting on him to talk about his fiancée, asking for him to be vulnerable in front of everybody. 

You saw Freydis calmly poking him with his elbow and how his eyes were about to pop out of his head. But then he leaned down and let her whisper in his ear and gradually, slowly, his mood seemed to change as the crowd quieted down at the sight of him clearing his throat and picking the mic to speak again.

You frowned, not sure of what poison did she give him for Ivar to suddenly change that way.

“See, you just need to show her something, something she’s never done before. Something that captures your attention, that is good enough to capture her soul. And — and she will take her time to learn” Ivar starts, eyes seemingly fixed somewhere far away from the stage. Somewhere like the very last lines of people standing in front of him, listening to him. “She simply makes something better out of it. Something brighter, even though you didn’t even think it could be possible. Even though you couldn’t even phantom you’d need so much light in your life, she proves you wrong, just like she does in every fight.” Ivar paused to chuckle, remembering the time he tried to convince you to hire strippers for the club. 

Everybody laughed after a deep collective ‘aww’ and he can feel the person standing next to him shift her weight and getting closer to him with affection. But he already was way too deep into his memories, pulling out good moments and unsaid words for the public to see how consolidated his relationship was. His tone shifted at the same time he noticed from afar how you start to break down, eyes not being able to look at him as your chest trembled. He was not aware of the harm those words would do to you without applying his own context, yet he begged for you to figure out that everything he said, he said it about you. 

“And...” Ivar swallowed, vulnerability starting to drip from every word he said. “And the thing is, she doesn’t even do it because of you. She doesn’t search for nobody’s approval. She just loves to make things better. That’s her gift, that’s her growth.”

Ivar finished and, for a brief moment, everybody remained silent. It took a minute, but then everyone seemed to burst into applause, everybody but three dumbfounded brothers looking at their youngest sibling as if he had lost his damn mind.

By the time he got closer to Freydis for a kiss you were choking in your own tears, your throat too tightly closed it seemed too difficult for you to breathe. Was this the reason why he wanted you to stay? To hear what he had to say about his fiancée? 

You shook your head, searching for the oldest Aslaugsson in the crowd.

You had enough.

"Ubbe, do you have a minute?” You asked weakly, doe eyes looking at the ground for a brief moment before gaining your composure again.

“Yeah,” he apologised to the guests he was with “what’s wrong?” He moved closer to you, the glass of champagne in his hand and the conversation he was participating in long forgotten.

“You were right.” You admitted your defeat, your head high and your chest puffed out. “I accept the offer.” You managed to let out as you took a few steps back, ignoring the way Ubbe said your name, with pity and sadness tearing through you as if you were a poor broken toy. “Tell Hvitty he can keep my share of the bar.”

Part I / Part II / Sequel (Words Into Smoke)

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Four.You Are Freaking Scarlet Witch

The Next Day

8:30 am

Alexandra Larsson

The sound of my alarm buzzed through my large bedroom.Groaning I rolled over,causing me to fall on the floor below with a loud thud."Godfuckingdamnit"I groaned."This is clearly why you shouldn't get drunk Alexandra!"I scolded myself.I had no plans of going clubbing the previous night.Unfortunately.three royals had different plans.Beatrice and Eugenie had arrived unexpectedly at my house and well,dragged me out of my bed and forced me to dress up and go out with them.According to them,I was still 'not over my sappy situation'.By that I believe they meant that I wasn't over Henry.Which is true in some aspects.I miss his charming smile which would make any girl swoon,how he'd cuddle with me after a day full of exhausting work schedule  and how he'd tell me he loved me and how he'd always be there for me.At the same time I was grateful to have found out about his tactics.I was Glad that I found out about all of his misdeeds before the wedding.It could have been worse.

The past two months I coped with my heartbreak in my own way.I buried myself in work.Thankfully I have six long months of filming Captain America:Civil War starting next month in Atlanta and Germany which would occupy my mind and I had busied myself by working out to get back in shape for the role.I have also decided to take up more charities than before.I joined  "The Trust Support","YoungMinds" and "Action For Happiness".In addition,I also became a UNICEF Ambassador and an UN spokeswoman.As much as hardwork it was,it kept me distracted and that's all that mattered.

I rubbed my eyes trying to get used to the awful brightness coming through my windows.I glanced at the bedside table and saw that it was 8:30 am.I threw the duvet off my body and slid on my slides.Tumbling to the bathroom,I almost had a heart attack when I saw myself in the mirror."Holy shit,I look like a fucking demon,"I screamed but quieting down as soon as my voice gave me a headache.I lazily washed my face and brushed my teeth because they stinked.I took a quick shower and stepped out of my walk-in closet wearing a oversized hoodie and a pair of sweatpants.Since I was too lazy to make myself anything good,I opted for cereal and a cup of hot coffee.As much as I loved some good English Tea,I loved coffee more than anything in this world.I could not live a day without some good Cold Brew from Starbucks.

After I finished my breakfast,I took a Paracetamol and I opened my phone to see a lot of missed calls and messages from unknown numbers."Shit,please don't tell me that I drunkenly gave unknown people my number,"I mumbled to myself.Opening the first message it read:

'HRLLLLLOORRR ISSA SKIPPPPYYYYYYYYYY'

I laughed and let out a 'dafuq',quickly I responded with a,"Hello to you too drunken Skip!I hope a hangover as enthusiastic as the text you sent is currently occurring to you-A very hungover Alexandra."

Instantly he responded with"Fuck of!"

I laughed and left him on seen as it seemed he didn't want to be bothered.Opening the next messages,I realized they were from Guy,Sam,Zara,Mike and a very enthusiastic Savannah who was not at all hungover unlike the rest of us.Opening the last text it read,"Pretty please tell me tihs is Alexandra THe Graet?!"I laughed as I would use this as my nickname sometimes."Depends on whose asking,"I replied.I waited a few seconds and when no response came I decided to leave it and get back to my day.

For the day I didn't have much planned but knowing that I would end up procrastinating I started working right away.I had to respond to all the emails that my assistant Theresa forwarded to me.I had to go through all the papers sent from UN and I had a Skype meeting with the CEO of YoungMind.Then I would head over to the gym to go through my daily workout.I hadn't received the script for CA:CW yet so I couldn't practice my lines.

I made myself some Cold Brew and tied my hair in a bun and sat down to respond to the emails.Halfway through the process my phone screen lights up indicating that I have a new notification.I glanced at my phone screen  and saw that it was from the last unknown number from the previous night.I guessed that it would be Liz or Harry from the group or a stranger that I ended up giving my number to.Hopefully,it wasn't a stranger and if it was they weren't going to snoop to the paparazzis.I slid my finger over the notification to open it,"Oh well,I am Henry the great then 🤴🏻"I smiled knowing that it was Harry and no stranger."I have honestly so many questions regarding your text Harry,"I replied.In a matter of a few seconds,he replies,"As away then!"I laugh at the unnecessary use of the exclamation point."First of all,What if I accidentally gave you the wrong number and the text was sent to the wrong person?You know,you could have revealed your identity to a fucking stranger!Secondly.Did you just steal my nickname?!!HOW DARE YOU?Thirdly,did u seriously just use a guy wearing a crown emoji?Also,petition for Apple to release a ginger guy emoji!"I replied."LANGUAGE!"He replied.I almost fell of my chairing laughing at the reference he made."Secondly,damn woman chill with your questions,"He texted again."You just told me to ask away..."I replied. "Okay...nevermind."He replied."Also did you just reference Captain America?!I didn't know you were a Marvel fan!"I replied excitedly.It would be fun to tease him about it."You have no idea how big of a fan Will and I are!"He texted back."Yeah!We were crazy comic fans in our childhood and we started watching the Avengers movies because of George's insistance."

"You know what I just realized?"He added."What?"I asked curiously."YOU ARE FREAKING SCARLET WITCH LIKE OMG I AM TALKING TO SCARLET WITCH RIGHT NOW,"I laughed at his excitement.He literally sounded like every Marvel fan I have ever encountered."How come you didn't notice it before?smh,plastic fan,"I decided to tease him a bit."WHAT???NO!!I am not a plastic fan!I just didn't realise it because in the movie you have long brown hair and brown eyes with a weird non British European accent and in irl you have short blonde hair and a British accent so it was very different and also I was drunk so...not my fault!!"He ranted."Damn chill out!I was just teasing ya 🤦🏼‍♀️."I responded."Oh okay,phew ya know I don't want your cast mates (aka RDJ,Evans,Paul Bettany AND PAUL RUDD ) to think that I was a fake fan :)"He replied."Damnn,I gotta tell everyone one that Prince Harry is a plastic fan next month ;)"I joked."HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT YALL START FILMING NEXT MONTH?!!!"I mentally slap myself because I wasn't suppose to say it."Shit,you were not suppose to know that.FUCK,don't tell anyone tho."I replied."Only in one condition,you tell me whose in which team ;)"

"Too bad haven't got the script yet!"

"Wait why?dont you guys start filming next week so don't you have to rehearse or something?"

"Yeah but Marvel is very secretive.We don't get the scripts for highly anticipated movies until the last moment."

"Damn I thought I was gonna be a exclusive marvel fan for the first time :("

"Lmao,you are a exclusive person Harry"

"Buzz feed quiz says otherwise"

"Omfg you are such a fanboy."

"What can I say,born and raised in comic ;)"

"Sure Jan"

I waited for is reply but it didn't come as soon as the previous texts.After a while he finally replied:

"HI ALEXA ITS KATE HERE,I JUST WANTED TO ASK IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN JOINING US THREE IN BRUNCH NEXT WEEK?-Kate xx"

I laughed as all of a sudden Kate appeared in the middle of our conversation.She could have just texted me from her phone."Lmao,Kate is always hype when it comes to things including you 😂"I chuckled."What can I say?She is my number one fan.Also inform her that I am in,just tell her to text me the details earlier from HER phone."

"Smh I feel like a goddamn messenger."

"As you wish 😒"

"Okay I gotta go,Uncle duties calling me!"

"Have fun !"

Just liked that,I closed my phone and went back to doing work.

The entire day consisted of me being an adult.I replied to important mails,went through papers,online meetings and so on.It felt good to hangout with a few friends before I would be gone for a long period of time.

I couldn't wait to get to know these new friends a bit more.

eureka

*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

A/N: challenge #3. YALL, THIS TOOK FOREVER AND I’M READY. Anyhow. this is a late rp and fic I should’ve done ages ago (I’M SORRY GRACE, SHUSH). I’m using it as my challenge cause deadline is near. Another rp with a royal will come after this tho. This has detective clove and conspiracies(?) I hope you like it <3 some stuff is revealed more clearly and hopefully the ending isn’t bad. forgive typos and lengh (around 4k smh). ft. @brooks-schreave  , some guards and the mysterious call I’d mentioned on my last fic. This takes place before the first official dates with nate and that rp from the brooks pov.

*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

“Lady Clove?” Officer Rogers’ voice asked from the other side of my door after a knock.

I closed my magazine and placed it on the desk. “You can come in.”

The young officer did so quickly, bowing more than he should’ve. He was the awkward out of the pair that sometimes patrolled our hall. “Young and inexperienced,” Barnes had explained the day I’d asked one of them to bring me lunch. 

It had been the day of the Report when the maids were too busy with my clothes and hair and shoes to get me the lunch I’d skipped, earning a scolding from Chris, the eldest of the trio. Rogers had almost immediately scurried to do the favor I’d asked until Barnes had sighed and stopped him, remembering him he was to tell a servant and then return to the post instead of bringing it himself. The blonde had been so visibly flustered by the reminder it was almost comical. 

Barnes had only shaken his head as he watched him go. He had one of those misleading faces, not seeming but a few years older than Rogers, but clearly older by the way he carried himself and acted. Keen and observant--not someone that could do the task I’d asked Rogers without suspicion. Rogers was rash, too eager to prove himself to question the logic behind a request.

“Did you get it?” I asked, walking over to him as he took a few magazines out of the shopping bag.

“Yes...may I ask why these ones in particular?”

Okay, he had some curiosity after all, but at least no skepticism. “It’s interesting to see what other people think of the Selection. I never thought I’d read about it while participating in it, so it’s smart to be informed on how the outside perceives us”

“Ah,” he seemed to understand, or at least buy my excuse. “You only get access to Illéa Illustrated in the palace.”

I nodded, taking a look at the covers of the set he’d handed me. “Usually, that’s the norm, yes.” Because Illéa Illustrated was a supporter of the royal family. That’s why they got to cover the most crucial information and were granted the most interviews. Sure, they let us get some random gossip magazines as well, but those were the harmless ones that just had fun at making us look bad--or good--and creating fun content for people to read.

The titles I’d asked Rogers to get were all affiliated to the monarchies’ strongest critics. The ones that didn’t get big outlets like newspapers...or that’s what I could recall Dad saying. It was his job to be informed about that type of thing and though he always considered them to be annoying, they were never a concern. Their general pettiness and unprofessionalism posed no threat. I knew they were always under his hidden radar though, just in case they ever stumbled upon a problematic topic.

At the moment, their opinion was what I wanted. Any type of ridiculous reaching. They wouldn’t say something big or the whole country would already be talking about it whether they were unknown writers before or not, but there could be something. After the call earlier that week, I’d take whatever I could take.

“Hey, Daisy,” my father greeted as the call began. Sometimes he liked calling me random flowers as an inside joke to me being named after a plant, but not any ever so popular flower.

“Gonna tell me how much you miss me?” I asked, leaning on a wall. I was kidding, of course. We never called each other for that sort of stuff. Mom would be the one to do that, but he kept the charade going.

“Yeah, sending all the kisses to my favorite daughter.”

“I’m your only daughter.”

“See? You don’t even have to doubt I’m being serious because there’s no way you’re not the favorite.”

I rolled my eyes, knowing very well he was probably reading over paperwork as he made ridiculous remarks to me on the phone. I felt a smile tug at my lips, but it wavered as Nate’s confession a few days ago came to mind. His lie about me not wanting to see them anymore.

Pressing my lips together, I twirled my finger around the cord of the phone. A weak attempt to stop myself from snapping at him. “So what’s up?”

“Cutting it to the chase, good,” I could hear the amusement in his voice and I wished I could share it as usual. “I’m going to the palace soon. I thought I’d give you a heads up. Make some time for me in your heavy schedule. I know you’re an important Lady now.”

Part of me wanted to keep the sarcasm going, but the other half was dreading the news. Would I be able to carry a full conversation without bringing his lie up? If I decided on boarding the topic on purpose, how bad would it be? I wasn’t sure I wanted to open that can of worms. We didn’t talk about those years now. Only mom ever brought them up in arguments with him. 

“Clove?”

I realized then I’d been quiet for a moment. “Yeah, sorry, I thought I saw a guard gesturing at me,” I lied, “he was just waving a fly away.”

He scoffed a laugh, and I gulped when a thought hit me. “What’s got you coming to the palace this time?”

“Oh, you know how work is.”

“Does Mr. Revis have a new stupid plan in progress?” That got him to chuckle. “No, no dumb projects to debunk with the others this time. Just meeting up with Radcliffe.”

The private secretary of the King? “Did something happen?”

“No, we’re conducting a meeting, that’s all. General discussion on an ongoing thing, nothing too important.” He brushed it aside and all my thoughts were suddenly on high alert.

“Only the two of you?” A pause, nothing but a second or two, but I clenched my fist around the cord as I waited.  

“There might be a couple other advisers actually, but it won’t be until Thursday. Will you make some time for your old man?”

“Sure, I’ll check my schedule. I wasn’t aware you had a project with him though.”

He knew I was curious. When I was younger I always said I wanted nothing to do with politics like him, but I liked knowing about it. Dad always said I was being nosy, but he caved in, slipping in a detail or two. Thankfully, this time wasn’t different.

“Oh, well, actually it’s about you girls. You’ll have to learn to deal with more than just etiquette and glamour, you know?” A voice interrupted on his side, very likely Tony, his assistant. “I’ll take it in a moment,” he replied to him, then back at me he added, “Hey, gotta go Tulip, but I’ll see you later in the week, okay?”

“Okay, I’ll see you then. Tell mom I say hello.”

“I will.”

We said our goodbyes and hung up, so I was left alone, frowning at the phone. What he said had made sense in a way, it was expected, but it made no sense for him not to simply say that from the beginning. It wasn’t normal for him to bother being secretive with me.

Once back on my room, I looked out the window that revealed another sunny day in Angeles. My gaze wandered off to the closet where I kept a bow with some of the magazines Rogers had bought for me and a couple old ones from the library; the only sources I’d had to analyze so far in my strange research.

We’re conducting a meeting, the words echoed in my head. If there was something I was good at it was coming up with stuff on the spot, half the time no one noticed and I’d gotten that ability from Dad.

Why did he pause? Hesitation.

I’d been too restless and needed a distraction, so trying to make friends as I’d told Wilson I would, I went to one of the rooms across the hall. Eloise’s room. We’d talked a few times during breakfast the past days, starting with the food and ending up on whatever topic came to mind after some random story or the other.

She had an easy going personality, and after a not-so-quick game of chess with elaborate rules, I realized she wasn’t too bad at guessing games. I was right about us maybe being friends eventually, the conversation going pretty well after the game. It did begin to die down after a while though and another idea formed in my head.

I’d been considering how to get to the third floor, the dreaded Thursday dawning on me as I figured my plan to spy on that meeting somehow. Besides, lying my way past the guards--which I’d learned would be Barnes and Rogers--I had not much of a plan. In theory, I could pull it off, but…

I looked back at Eloise. “How would you feel about staging at fall?”

Eloise wasn’t one to pry, but I still gave her a decent excuse the next day as to why I was trying to get to the third floor, mentioning it was a surprise for my dad visiting.

“Well, that’s a lot better than what I was imagining,” she admitted.

Right. Better.

Once she’d done her part and the wonder duo was focused on helping her out from her fall, I sneaked up the stairs. I’d have to give the girl credit for being so on board with this later.

The hallways in the third floor seemed both familiar and foreign, but once I managed to remember where my dad’s office was, it only took a couple more minutes to find Radcliffe's. I made sure to keep my steps silent, my hands already sweating a bit by the time I reached the door, hoping to catch some of the conversation inside. 

I was practically in front of it when arms were wrapped around me from behind, my first instinct to yell. A hand was over my mouth before I had a chance to do so, however, and the arms were already lifting me slightly to haul me back.

Oh, God, what now, think, think, think... I squirmed, trying to free myself, trying to push back the second instinct: to panic. Hard grip, quite a couple of inches taller, very likely stronger and a man, my thoughts scurried, but as laughter erupted from inside the meeting room and the doorknob twitched, they deviated. They had the door locked?

As I registered that in my head, the assailant took advantage of my distraction and dragged me behind a wall, out of sight as the door opened. I focused back on the more important matter and freed one of my arms enough to elbow his side. He groaned in pain and the arms released me. I spun around ready to punch whoever it was but stopped as soon as I recognized the freckled face in front of me. You moron, my fist fell beside me. “Brooks?” I would’ve yelled it if it weren’t because we were hiding.

He shushed me anyway, eyes scanning the area. Not a second passed before he reached for my hand and dragged me down the hall. “Follow me.”

That’s not how following works. Wiggling my hand out of his grip, I continued the argument in hushed tones. “Do you want me to have a heart attack? Next time you do that I won’t aim for a rib.” Seriously, what is wrong with him, for the love of-- His hand went to the area I’d elbowed. “My bad for helping you not get caught.” I averted my gaze from his hand to push away the guilt of hurting him. It wasn’t like my reaction had been uncalled for. “I had it under control. If someone saw me I could say I was looking for my dad. He was in there.” I pointed back at the hall, but paused, realizing he was there. “Wait, hold on, how did you know I was sneaking around? What are you even doing up here?” “What were you doing there?” “I asked first.” “Promise not to tell?” There was clearly something going on. I narrowed my eyes before taking a subtle look around myself. Shifting, I placed a hand on my hip. “Go ahead.” He took my hand again for some reason, giving me no chance to glare at him before dragging me to the staircase. Barnes and Rogers were back on their posts by the time we reached the bottom, at first not giving us much of a glance. 

When I looked over my shoulder, however, I was briefly met with Barnes’ scowl and Rogers’ bewilderment. I caught a glimpse of the blonde one wiping his head to look back at the stairs in confusion before we turned down a corner.

Brooks knew exactly what shelf he wanted to show me and immediately took a journal from it. “Look at this.”

I was annoyed by his lack of an explanation as we rushed here, but took the journal anyway to flip through it. I frowned as soon as I opened the middle of it and noticed it was more of a book. Margins were filled with annotations next to the simple text, the word “Selection” popping up pretty quickly on the Times New Roman font. 

It was about the Selection, but the cover didn’t indicate it. It didn’t even seem like a book until you opened it. I’d scouted the library for days now and there was nothing but magazines regarding the Selection. I lifted my eyes back to the prince in surprise; then suspicion as I noticed his serious gaze. We couldn’t possibly be looking into the same stuff, yet… I tried figuring out the annotations before making any questions.

Whoever had held that pen, deserved never to hold one again. It was worse writing than mine in a rush. “The Selection will be a raffle,” the text read, underlined to lead to that godawful penmanship. My eyes widened a minute later as I managed to deincript one of the sentences.

No puede ser realmente al azar.

“It’s a fixed raffle?” “What?” Brooks snatched the journal back, “You can read this?” I glared before taking it from him again. “Yes, I can. It’s horrible handwriting, but I know my Spanish when I see it.” I frowned at the sloppy letters, strung together more than they should be. “Or mostly…”

He ran a hand through his hair, letting out a shaky laugh. It was like watching a mathematician figure out the solution to his equations had been in front of him all along. “Do you know what this means?” I gave no reaction, trying to figure out more sentences as I gulped. I understood how he felt. I felt the ‘eureka’ tugging at me, but I couldn’t settle for it. I’d spent the past weeks thinking maybe all of my ridiculous thoughts were a product of my boredom and know I had something tangible.

I resorted to sarcasm as I focused on more annotations and replied, “That he was a Hispanic doctor?” “Clove, think. I know you can.” “I was joking.” I frowned, flipping through the journal once more. “It means bad news.” “Why were you outside the meeting room?” I ignored him, thoughts spiraling down a path I didn’t like. Could it all be true? Had my lousy math actually led me to something? Did dad know? There was no way he didn’t.  “Clove!” “What!” I yelled, throwing library rules out the window as I shot him an angry glare.

“Why. Were. You. There.” Pursing my lips, I looked away and rubbed my forehead. 

Dad knows, who are you trying to fool? He would have to know. Lies aren’t new to him. He’s cheated on mom, now the country, not that big a difference, is it? I clenched my jaw at the thoughts. You were there because you were suspicious of him. Why else would you have gone? You heard his hesitation. He knows. You know.

Before I could stop myself I was answering in a ramble. Mentioning how weird dad had been, the ‘crazy odds’ Eloise had mentioned, the magazines, the stupid math and percentages. The order girls had been eliminated in the past and the high castes increasing.

“Hey, hey,” his hands were suddenly on my shoulders and that stopped me, my eyes landing on his hands. “Are you suggesting what I think you are?”

I gave him a warning look and he took his hands away. I could take a guess at what he was thinking. “It’s a terrible idea.” “But you can read this?” His excitement was clear on a smile. 

I looked at the ceiling with a sigh. “Kind of I guess. With some more time...” He didn’t let me finish, pulling me to him. I blinked in his arms, too stunned to react. Brooks was hugging me. “What-”

“Bless you. Follow me.” He let go and dragged me out of the library. I snapped out of my confusion midway in the hallway.

“Slow down, I’m not a rag doll.” “Quit whining, Teasdale.”

I gave him a cold stare once we arrived at his door. He pretended not to notice and pulled me inside, closing the door and then locking it. I raised an eyebrow.

“Someone else would find that creepy just so you know.” He gave me an exasperated look, slowly reaching for the doorknob again and unlocking it as if proving a point. “There. Shut up for two seconds now.”

Going over to some drawers and rummaging through them, he told me to come. I rolled my eyes but did as he asked when he added a “please.” Then, pulling out a chair for me at the table in his room, he opened the journal. “I've been taking notes on different things I find out about the Selection. Past conspiracies, ex-selected, drama, etc. I'm looking for patterns.”

I set my annoyance aside and sat down, intrigued by what he could’ve found himself. I’d never seen him excited like that. “Do you have anything?” He showed me his notes.“I've done the math, and the numbers of relevant girls in each selection has risen every time.” “It was 48% on your mother’s.” “And 51% for Nate's.” He had the same numbers as me. 

I clenched my jaw and stood up. “I need to talk to my dad.”

Reaching for my hand, he urged me to sit down. “Clove, you can't do that. Do you know what could happen?” “I don't know, but the pile of things he has to explain can't seem to stop growing.” “Do you know nothing about politics? Take it from an inside outsider, you don't want them knowing what you know.” I was aware of that, but disappointment and anger wrestled to take over and make me go back up there, guards or not, to yell at my dad for answers, demand he explain himself. Maybe even hoping he didn’t know and he’d help me uncover the truth. It would be a stupid move, however.

Silence settled in the room as my shoulders slumped. Brooks said nothing, letting it stretch for a minute or so, probably having his own thoughts to go over. Eventually, he added, “Hey, I know we're not actually the best of friends... but I could really use your help.” And I could use it too. Earlier that day, I hadn’t been sure I’d get anywhere with my little research, I just couldn’t bring myself to drop it either. Now I had another piece to the puzzle. I had a possible confirmation. Possible proof all because of...Brooks. 

Neither of us would get answers alone and I needed them, so I met his gaze, letting determination overshadow everything else in my mind. “I’m in.”

“Way to go, Teasdale,” he grinned, hand raised to offer a high five. I stared at it for a moment, thrown off.

“Are you okay?” He slowly let it fall back down. “Uh, yeah... Why?” “Well... you're being.. nice. I'm trying to determine if this is one of those ‘one in a lifetime’ moments because you need me, or if Quinn was right.” He raised both eyebrows, asking what his older sister had mentioned of him and I explained that she seemed to believe he was actually trying to be nice but I coulnd’t see it. 

Something like shame crossed his eyes as he looked down, playing around with a set of pens on his desk. “I-I've always been nice.”  

I leaned on the table with my elbows. “Yeah, that hasn't become any more believable than the last time you said it.” “I hope you're enjoying your seat,” he propmted, giving a flat look I was quick to return.

“What a gentleman.” “Just for you,” he almost cooed, tapping my nose with his finger. It took me a second to react and wrinkle my nose.

“Don't make me regret my decision. I could take the journal and work alone.” “Not gonna happen. Speaking of you taking the journal, I want you to try and figure out what the writing in the margin says.” “I’ll try to work on it.” I reached for the journal, examining the margins with old penmanship. “The ink is kinda smudged on some parts but I’ll figure it out.” “Thanks for doing this. I owe you.” “I’ll keep that in mind... Neither of us is telling anyone about this, right?” “Definitely not. Not until it gets far enough.” I stood up, taking a deep breath. “Alright. It’s an agreement.” Unsure of how to end the strange encounter I decided to go for something formal, extending my hand for him to shake. He reached for it slowly, the same hesitation I’d had at his suggestion of a high five. Or so it was until he opened his mouth again. “We've made so much contact in such a short span of time.” “You just had to make it weird, didn’t you?” “That? That's not weird. This?” he held my hand and pulled me close. Close enough to share the same breathing space. “This is weird.” My eyes could only widen in surprise before I pushed him off his chair with the same hand he’d pulled me with. A sound resembling a pterodactyl shriek escaped his lips as he fell back.

“AND YOU SAY I'M MEAN?” he screamed, sitting up on the floor. I snorted a laugh, but then cleared my throat. “Serves you right.” “Abuse is wrong.” I scoffed. “Invading personal space is wrong.”

He scoffed too. “Yep, still dramatic.” “Fine,” I hugged the journal to my chest, “I might be keeping this for myself then if I'm so dramatic.” He gestured to me. “That's just proving my point.” I said nothing and turned to the door, but as I did someone on the other side opened it, poking a head inside. Quinn. Dang, I should’ve let him lock it.

“Well, then...” Quinn shut the door quickly, “I'm going to go.”

“Wait up, I’m leaving as well!” I called out. “I'm feeling the love,” Brooks mumbled, still from his spot on the ground. I gave him a fake smile, like the one he'd given me the first morning in breakfast. “The floor loves you too.”

I grew up in the church and knowing God for myself! My parents taught me right from wrong! Never told me about sex! I was molested at an early age. Never told anyone for along time and some I'm just telling now! I didn't know what molestation was until I got older and was like dang that happened to me! Never really thinking how I was created because sex talk never came up in our house! For along time I thought everyone of my friends had parents that was Married and lived with them. But growing up going to middle school I discovered myself the talk amongst the fellas in school was have you got some yet! I was like yeah! Knowing I haven't lol (trying not to get clowned) Boy the things you say to be cool!! Smh!!! So then I started looking at girls to be pretty but at the same time discovering myself to myself! But at the same time my grades started falling. Remind you K-4th grade honor roll student! 5th - 8th I'm discovering myself wasn't able to play no middle school football cause of grades! Still haven't got any yet!! 9th grade I was able to play football but was rebellious against my Parents but still going to church listening but still focused on not getting any yet!! I wanted so bad to get me some as the fellas called it!! I turned to drugs (weed) never had a problem finding it cause my bro was the dope man. Rip God bless his soul!! He looked out for me and my friends!!I Thought that was cool and it would help me get some as the fellas called it!! End of 9th grade my grades fell again! Now I'm ineligible to play my 10th grade year still haven't got any yet!! My focus was no longer on God, my Parents, School or Football my focus was trying get me some as the fellas called it!! 10th grade we move different school so now I'm really not trying to be clowned and I got a job!! Now I really trying to impress the fellas and get some from a girl. My focus far from God and obeying my parents and school. To focusing more on turning up and trying to get me some!! Now I done learned in church that a man is supposed to have a wife and then have children! Ok that's cool but the last 5 or 6 years I been focusing on getting me some and dang show ain't trying to wait til I get married to get me some. I can't possibly keep lying to my friends saying yeah I got some before and Never got some! Now I'm still discovering myself and wasted all this time lying getting high to get me some only to find out I got to get Married to get me some!! Oh gosh I'm furious now!! I even ran away from home for 2 week cause I didn't wanna go to church, didn't want to go to school, I did go pick up my pay check tho. Because I needed that! But the sad part about that is i brought pain to the ones who loved me the most! The ones that kept food our tables. The ones who kept on roof over my head! The ones who worked hard for everything we had. Including taking us on vacations every year but that was the ones I hurt the most by trying to please some so called friends that I barely even talk to this day or try to get me some or get high!! The tears my mother cried when she didn't know where I was at all for temporarily good time and to get me some!! I went back home got my grades right so I could play football my last year by that time I was 18 and had no more years of eligibility but was so far behind on credits I still wasn't going to graduate on time. I think I started 1 game but played in 5 didn't get to play the last 2 games of the season because I failed a drug test! Broke my heart! But not only did I break my heart I broke the heart of the ones who cares for me the most! That year I finally got me some but it was nothing like I imagined it be!! Going against God's I disobeyed him. Leaning on my own understanding and not following God cost me an opportunity of a lifetime! By that time I didn't want to hear nothing about God I wanted to continue to get me some because now it was starting to feel good to me! I'll be the first to tell you everything that feels good or looks good is good for you!! Fast foward to 21 years of age Manager of Papa John's where I met my son's Mother. She was talking to someone at the time but I just had to have her! She invited me over and went on until I moved in eventually! I did even act right once I got her. Texting other woman!! Having 3somes! Still continuing to disobey God when I know that a man shall not lay down with a woman unless it is his wife! Had a baby out of wed lock and all! Long story short I was getting some then but every holiday we fought! Disobeying God is a dangerous thing to play with! Even cost me to go jail cost me court fines after court fines suspended license after suspended license and we still manage to still come back together until another holiday argument! Not even going to say we are bad people but the disobedience to God brought out evil spirits! I even left my manager job cause they laid her off. She is an Amazing mother but evil spirits caused us to fight and argue. By being disobedient i was stabbed multiple times our last fight! The reason for this message is to encourage my young males! Be a man marry that young lady if you want to sleep with her but make you learn her before you just want to get you some! Build with her so that your children will see you love their mother correctly!! I wish I could change the way I did things but it was a costly lesson learned! Life will throw you so many distractions! Make you think that something that looks good is only useable for getting some. Because if a lady is right for you and truly love you she will wait until yall are married to let you get some! Man and Women are not put on this earth for that reason only but are put on this earth to help each other raise our children the correct way under God! When you get married it's an oath under God for better or for worse! Not just to be saying I got me some from her let me get some from another cause I got her already!! If you want somebody ask God to send you somebody! I now know that I would rather be single for the rest of my life and hold on to God if I got to go thru another 17 years of that! She will be more than a I'ma just get me some kinda woman!! No Capping!Drinking, Drugs,trying to please others and and trying to get me some nearly took my life!! But it was God's Grace! It was God's Grace! I made it thus far by the Grace of God!! I thank him every morning just for being alive!! If it wasn't for my trials and tribulation and my Parents making me go to church. And getting the word of God at an early age. I wouldn't have known who to depend on when times get hard! Seek him first and all other things shall be add!! I wouldn't be here right now 4 months clean of drinking and drugs!! God had me go thru all of that just so he open my eyes!! Nobody but God can turn a bad situation in turn it into a praise of his glory!! I didn't nothing on my own!! To God Be The Glory! He is so worthy!Peace Love and Blessings to you and yours on this Great Night!! Stan Hurthttps://www.facebook.com/Screaming-in-the-darkness-SAYS-Testify-424938314721627/?modal=admin_todo_tour

18th February 2018

My favourite date.

The night before, I was incapable of sleeping. You were stuck in my mind. I tried my hardest to distract myself but I couldn’t stop myself from fantasizing. Even though, at the time. I thought we weren’t able to do anything because I thought Lia was coming, I was still extremely hyper about being able to admire you. When I first saw you, in my driveway, I literally gasped because oh my god. You looked so fucking gorgeous 😍 In that moment, knew for sure that you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. In the car, on the way there, I kept smiling and giggling to myself because I was imagining cuddling with you and holding your hand. I was lowkey overwhelmed with emotions but you never noticed, thank god. When Tanisha said that we have the same rings, I couldn’t stop thinking about when I get to buy you a promise ring on our 1 year anniversary. It was my idea first. Don’t copy -.- I was talking to Emily and she kept teasing me about how we both can’t hide our ‘gayness’ for each other hence why our parents think we’re gay 😂 That just made me think of every extremely gay moment you’ve had hehe. When we went into the theatres, I was already pretty scared and was lowkey having a panic attack even though I didn’t understand what was actually going on, haha I’m very easily scared. Whenever I looked at you, I felt safe and calm but I didn’t just want to stare at you the whole time because I’d fall harder and might creep you out. Whilst we were cuddling, I was able to stare at you because you couldn’t notice if I was or not and you looked REALLY pretty. Thanks for making me gayer -.- I was admiring you the whole time, instead of paying attention to the movie, oops. I loved the scary moments when you squeezed me to cope and held me tightly. It was honestly everything. And like when you were playing with my hair, I was falling so hard because I loved that so much. Although I teased you for like 90% of that movie, you still managed to force me to kiss you but in a super cute and loving way c: I could feel the rhythm of your heartbeat on your hand and it was in sync with mine like our hearts were whole.  I'm not sure when, but at some point of the movie, you said I was the most beautiful girl in the world and I was SOOOO overwhelmed with feelings and kind of having a panic attack. I teared up and even cried a little but you couldn’t see in the dark which is good. You raised my confidence and made everything about 10 times better just by saying that. I know its like really superficial or whatever but I love it when a girl finds me attractive because usually all girls do is focus on the flaws on themselves or others but having the love of my life be attracted to me is a whole other level of pride and confidence for me. At the end of the movie, I was going to do something cute but like the lights came on and ruined my moment so now idk if I’ll ever be able to do it but one day :) I was kind of upset whilst we were leaving because then I remembered that I wanted to listen to your heart beat :( At Pandora, I was super hyper and excited because I was finally able to buy you a gift after like 2 months and you had to comply with my wishes cx I really wanted to buy you a ring but I thought it wasn’t appropriate since we’ve only been dating a few months and also people would question who gave it to you and why. I also was tempted to buy you the whole valentines set because I did have enough money on me to buy that but I knew you would never accept a $400 gift, unfortunately ;-; I was trying to find something special to us like stars or the moon but they didn’t have any and you found the most basic charm ever. A heart 😂 Whilst I was looking at it, I was thinking of a custom made charm that looked like that heart but had an M on it for myself because I’m obsessed with being yours. I was finally able to take a photo of you for Emily and I was fangirling with her about how beautiful you are. Your beauty makes me insecure about our relationship because I'm pretty sure everyone is attracted to you xc Doesn’t matter, you’re ALL MINE! All mine to show off. When we went San Churro, I was taking forever to eat my food, mostly because I couldn’t stop staring at you. Then that happened again when we were walking towards target or something. Like you were walking in front of my and I was admiring everything so I thought to record it so if you did turn back, it would look like I’m on my phone instead of staring at you when I’m really just staring at you on my phone hehe :P I remember that we took a while to find a good place to take photos but they were all trash and then we finally took our first selfie in like two years and a super adorable video of me kissing you 🙈 On the way home, I was consistently recording videos of you like doing pretty much nothing and sending it to Emily because I actually had butterflies and I needed her to help me calm tf down xd She was no help. She kept on telling me how cute we are and ended up making me have more xc At green valley, I was super tired and craving being in your arms which actually really sucks when I’m near you but still can’t have that :( I wanted to hide with you and kiss you at least one more time before I go but there was no way I’d really do that because that's such a big risk. I also wanted to hold your hand and but no hehe. I saw this thing that I think was a bracelet or maybe a necklace but it had stars and the moon on it so I wanted to surprise you and buy it for you but my dumbass left my wallet in the car smh. Then at some point, your sister was really struggling with her lisp and it was actually pretty cute, idk where you were but I really wanted you to like come and try to help her out so you can both fail hahaha. I find your lisp SOOOO CUTE like even typing about it now, I’m giggling because its just so freaking adorable weudjmcsk. Honestly, everything about you is adorable like I can’t find one thing that isn’t which is really annoying because its difficult for me to be stubborn ;-; I love you, babygirl. 

P.S - You’re getting really good at kissing me and I'm super proud hehe :P

My boyfriend pt 1

Wow, how do I want to start? I want to really get into it so I can have fresh vivid images and feelings and true thoughts and re-encounter how amazing it really was. Oh my gosh I can’t even fully describe what’s going on. I love this kid, I really do have love for him already. I’m going to do my best. Okay do I’ll come back in pt 2 with actual dates and stuff but I’ll jump right into the beginning. I had recently cut off this crazy ass guy that I met on Tinder and I’m like ok fuck it let’s try this again. I was getting so bored I swear tinder was soo ugly I couldn’t even hold conversations with half of those guys. And then I came across Charlie, ugh he was just so adorable. The obvious caught my eye, nice cars, nice eyes, nice hair, nice clothes. And WEED. And he was 21? How could I ask for more? And I had literally fallen for him by the time we matched, I think I waited maybe a day or less before I just shot my shot. I said “sheeeesh” with a few heart eye emojis and he said something like “Look at you”, and I just died. Was it too good to be true already? What was the catch? Fake acc??? Dude I don’t even know, but I was quick to gtfo of Tinder and asked for his snapchat, which went well. He sent me a selfie at one point when talking and all was fine, I really wanted to hang out with him because I suck at replying and I didn’t want to lose this chance and fuck it up by having out convo go dead. I had already told so many people about him too it was so crazy I was really getting my hope up for this guy. I mentioned him to my coworker Christiane, my siblings, Dora! And here I am, dating him??? He’s my man, my boyfriend, he’s mine. But it was a little challenging at first, I wanted to meet up on the weekend but he’s 21 so he was out doing 21 things w his friends of course. He went to ugly ass Darna and the MGM both places I can’t go to smh. Anyways, he’s definitely flirting with me as we’re talking, and I just kept mentioning that we should hang out. I asked him to come over and he actually said yes ?? oh bruh, he pulled up and was v cute. He was wearing a black shirt and jeans, I was wearing a long sleeve t shirt and shorts since we were just cooling it at my house I didn’t want to look like I was trying too hard. I was actually so shook like omg, I went and told my mom that I was having a friend over and then yeah ((((: She was iffy of course, and one of the first things he said was that my room was “comfy” and it’s funny just last night he mentioned that he was relieved that I didn’t smell like basic bitch. Which is basically like VS but I’m on the other boat of basic at Bath and Body works lmaooo, he’ll find out later though. It’s funny because I do want to get into nicer perfumes anyways, so it’s good timing. Continuing, we were drinking Patron as our first drink omg. Only a few shots and they were half shots because he was driving far back home and he had gone to a bar beforehand. It’s crazy because we totally vibed together and I knew we both felt it, like we were feeling each other but at the same time I we could’ve been cool ass friends. And I’m glad that we have a bff feeling relationship, like that’s my mf boyfriend but that my mf mans too. He literally gives me diarrhea of the mouth, and as someone that can never stop talking it’s crazy to think that I could talk anymore than I already do without not being able to breath between words. At the same time my mind gets jumbled up and I lose my train of thought and I don’t know what to say. Some things just jump out and others just take so long to formulate and I second guess it but even when I cross reference stories and get lost Charlie always reminds me what the whole point of the conversation was. Charlie. Charlie. Charlie. Good luck Charlie, Charlie and Lola? Charlie is literally so gorgeous, even though he might be wearing colored contacts lmfaoo. And it’s funny bc this other hoe ik wears them so I subtweeted and I wonder if he thinks it’s about him. I love him for appreciating my little butt and my little boobs. See how I keep getting distracted, I can’t even tell our story bc he’s so great and all his little details excite me a lot. Ok so we hung out and he didn’t even kiss me or try to do much but he did flirt with me I think? I couldn’t even tell if he was being friendly or not.  The next time we hung out we drank again, and same thing. It was nice we cooled it but nothing big. As soon as he asked for my number though, I KNEW he was fucking w me. And then I think that it was the 3rd time I copped us coke, and it honestly sucks that my memory is so hazy. Especially with someone that I care about so much and such significant moments, I wish I could remember everything. I wish I could relive it and remember. That’s why this blog is so important to me, I need to remember the good because it seems that only bad and traumatic moments stick to me and cling to my mind. I remember being on my couch and just leaned over and he kissed me and I just exploded. I wish I could remember what I was wearing, what show was on the TV, what time and day it was. I’ll investigate but there’s only so much information I can gather. I don’t want him to know that my mind is burnt as much as it is, I don’t want Charlie to think that something’s wrong with me. And looking back at out 1 month of talking and me falling for him, all I do is talk and talk and I probably seem mildly crazy and self centered. This is not my world, and these people aren’t just living in it. I don’t even know much about him, he’s gonna come over today and I’m going to just ask him everything and stfu. I wish I wasn’t so me, me, me all the fucking time. It’s probably so noticeable and ugly. My fucking baby. I am SO happy he is mine like wow I want him to feel appreciated. I want him to feel good, and I want him to be so happy to be with me and say I’m his girlfriend too. UGH I just missed a good writing opportunity just now while Kukuwa went to lunch. I have a new motivation and yeah it’s to look good for myself but it’s also to look good for my boyfriend, I can only wear so much make up and jewelry. My true looks, frizzy hair, fat stomach, and flat ass will always peek out no matter how I dress it up. I need to work on it, I can’t be out with a cute ass guy like him and not look like a bad ass bitch. So far we’ve been to the movies together, and the fair. But those are separate stories, and this will literally go on forever and ever. I wanted to write every detail I could possibly remember, and I can’t wait to add things to our scrapbook, it’s going to be so lit. He’s motivated me to stay more financially stable so that I can sustain us both, so we can have fun and can continuously have a nice time. I want to go everywhere, I want to go on trips and go see the world and have real adventures with my love. Fall is coming up and we’re going to do the whole sha-bang, I want to go to the pumpkin patch, horror fest at Kings Dominion, I want to dress up as something doesn’t have to match or anything. I want to take corny ass photos, and I REALLY want to carve pumpkins. I want to be able to get naked and let you love me, to embrace me and to kiss me everywhere. I want to be able to feel good and confident in front of my boyfriend. I recently got some new products hopefully they can help with the new scars bumps and the old scars, I feel like it’s going to take forever but I hope it’ll go quick. I need to start taking my vitamins and just take care of myself in general. Going back to Charlie instead of going on and on about my pointless and selfish insecurities, as soon as we kissed I felt myself melt into my underwear. I Felt myself wanting more and more, wanting to just grab him and love him everywhere. Literally the night that I discovered the song “Sleepwalk” by Santo and Johnny was right after we just had our first kiss and the riff at the first 7 seconds of the song just climaxes the same slow and tender way that these feelings hug my insides and gently squeezes my heart with small pools and waves of care and affection. I’m sure there’s a better way to organize those thoughts and feelings but I want it to be true and raw. He is just so pretty, Charlie is soo pretty to me I don’t know what to do. We had an unspoken trust where we gave each other everything. Sometimes I want to rip his face off because hes just so mesmerizing to me. It would super duper suck if he has brown eyes he’d look fine of course but the bragging rights that I have a boo w hazel eyes is veryyy high for me. He told me that he’d be having a oc for a whole week and that I’m invited of course, we’ll see how that goes. I’m not going to lie but the fact that I haven’t met his mom makes me nervous and hurt. What if she doesn’t like me or doesn’t approve of me, and we’re already dating as boyfriend and girlfriend? I really do think that it matters and I almost jokingly met her last night but I didn’t like my outfit enough for a first impression and I honestly do think it matter so much dude. This is the first and last image she’ll see of me until the next time I’d see her and who knows how long that’ll be. Not only that im trying to get hit from the back soooo bad omg I miss back shots so bad but I feel like we can’t catch the same rhythm. It sucks because the one time we did it was the first time we had sex in his little side room in his basement. And DUDE I’m lowkey embarrassed I did this weak ass little roll on his dick. I think our sex is really good, but it could be better. I haven’t cheated on him and I can feel that my pussy is tight and I can tell that he feels it too.   

8/28/2019

Happy Friday Readers!!! It’s been a hot minute since I posted a #Fridayreads & I thought today would be a good day to bring that back here on the blog. I’m typically reading (devouring) books & reviewing but lately I have been feeling a bit slumpish. I’m still reading & keeping up with reviews cuz ya girl doesn’t cope well with letting people down lol, I’m just not doing as much as I was before my move. This got me thinking…what is hindering me from enjoying these amazing arcs? it’s not a shortage of books, ya’ll know your girl has a book buying problem…then what is it? Whelp before I get into that, this is a Friday Reads post so lets start with what i’m currently reading…

Red Sister by Mark Lawrence is my 1st Adult Fantasy book in YEARS! I’m a newb to Mark Lawrence, this being my 1st book of his but LOOK ^^^ uhh, he re-tweeted me getting ready to sit on the top staircase at work & read his book…what I didn’t expect were the Seagulls that landed on the roof & proceeded to give me a full on orchestra of cries. I do not lie…ask Gretchen @Chicnerdreads who has a voice note of said evil Gulls making a liar out of my tweet cuz no reading got done once they got started😂anyways, Red Sister is EPIC bad assery @ its finest. It’s a pretty big book but I don’t mind cuz not one bit drags & I keep finding things to love. Think Arya Stark/X-23 aka Wolverine’s protégé on her 1st day at Hogwarts…less magic…more fight training yet similar concepts. If like me, you are looking for more books with female friendships then this will check that box off for ya ;) I am reading a ton slower than usual but its not for lack of enjoyment. I’m actually wondering what I’m going to do with myself once I finish reading Red Sister…maybe buy all of Mark’s (yea 1st name basis after you re-tweet me lol) previous books? most likely smh *covers face* 

I recently sat down to update my arc spreadsheet, something I found has helped me immensely with staying on top of publication dates. Now as much as it has helped with my anxiety…it has also contributed to it if that makes any sense? 😂 I’d like to think i’m a pretty nice person…responsible @ least & so its been my thing to post reviews 1-2 weeks prior to pub date with all of my arcs. With the exception of two that I posted a few days after, I’ve been successful on this front…but what happens when life gets in the way? few know me well but those that do, know I’m not one to delve too deep into my personal life. I’m a listener & not much of a talker but I thought it time to share a little bit about myself with you, my faithful book blogging buddies/readers…

Most of you know I’m a “young” mom of 2 tiny humans & that I married my very 1st bookworm buddy over a shared love for Harry Potter smh LOL! (8 years strong). I also have a full time J-O-B in what can sometimes seems like a stuffy office (accounting for ya *sobs*). About a year ago I decided to start this blog as a way to connect with other readers (non-husbands) over one of my biggest passions…BOOKS! I also felt the need to create something of my own, my own little corner of the internet where I could retreat to after hours.  See, about 2 years ago I was diagnosed as Diabetic. Something I knew was a real possibility after 2 complicated pregnancies & a family history with diabetes. I was NOT however, prepared to accept that diagnosis. I was under the care of a nutritionist & had lost 18lbs. all on my own but in the end my genetics won that battle. I thought after losing my father to the disease, that I knew enough…I was wrong. I decided to educate myself, get under medical treatment, joined the gym, and changed my diet. When I say change diet I mean I followed docs orders & started eating more smaller meals to wake up a dead metabolism. Plenty think that all diabetics have an over eating problem…whelp here’s one diabetic that can’t seem to work up an appetite to eat more than 2 meals (if that) per day & is still not thin by any means. Diabetes is frustrating in that it contradicts itself at every turn. Eat too much = elevated sugar/eat too little = elevated sugar. Finding the perfect balance is something I still work hard for every hour of the day. Exhaustion comes at any hour of the day as an indicator that my sugar may be too low or too high. Often times, you will feel as if you are experiencing a bad hangover if not controlled. I work super hard to stay on top of my #’s but I am human & will sometimes falter. I power walk whenever possible & as much as possible, having a 3 train commute to & from work helps keep me active. Also, my new place has a gym in the lobby that is currently being set up with all of the amenities you’d find at a sportsclub! *eeeK* …However, there are days where it’s completely out of my control & I wake up with a high base just because overnight my hormones interfered with my glucose levels. It sometimes feels like a losing battle & that’s when depression kicks in, one of the well known symptoms of this disease. I have a ton to be happy for especially with finally getting a place I can call safe to live in. Yet there are days where the dark clouds take over & a book is the last thing on my mind…

I’m sharing this with you all because this has become my home away from home on some of my darkest days. I don’t like being moody with my loved ones when I’m feeling unwell & so take to distracting myself by reading all of your posts. I may not post as frequently but you will always see me hanging around your blogs, twitter, Instagram, & Goodreads. Some of the friendships I’ve made through blogging have really been a source of joy for me. Reading your comments & interacting with some of you on a more personal level has kept me company on days where I felt I made poor company for those physically around me. I have a loving husband & 2 tiny humans that I dote over even when I’m at work (yea I stalk the teacher lol), I love them to the moon & back…sometimes I do need ME time & that’s when I come to you, my second family. This blog has helped keep my anxiety low & my depression at bay on more days than I can count & for that I am thankful to be in this amazing community. Thank you to those that reach out with kind words, comments, GIFS, likes, loves, anything really lol, it means so much to me.

I’m really hoping to get out of this funk soon so that I can get back to reading ALL the books on my spreadsheet & hopefully from my own shelves lol. I mentioned to my twin Gretchen @Chicnerdreads that I was also experiencing a bit of a YA Fantasy burn-out due to my arc binge of the genre. I have no one to blame but myself for this LOL! I’m definitely done requesting for some months, I miss reading from my shelves a bit. The one great thing that has come from this reading slump is that chat I promised ya’ll in December as part of my New Years Goals! it’s coming ;)

Bahaaaa! this is totally me with my 2 tiny humans everyday, one is def more livelier than the other LOL!

Friday Reads & a Lil’ Chat… Happy Friday Readers!!! It’s been a hot minute since I posted a #Fridayreads & I thought today would be a good day to bring that back here on the blog.