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plutoslvr · 1 year

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Okay so in my last Kevin post, I mentioned I have analysis' on how Kevin isn't a coward and how his trauma still affects him and you guys wanted to read it so here!

Why Kevin Day Isn’t a Coward:

Essentially this comes down to 3 specific points in the fandom and even in the books since people are very adamant about the whole coward thing. The two things that people (in book and fandom-wise) use to argue that Kevin is a coward are:

Kevin is still afraid/ doesn’t stand up to Riko

That he left Jean behind in the nest.

Starting off with the first point. Kevin is still afraid and doesn’t stand up to Riko for the majority of the books. Firstly, we need to understand that Kevin has been abused from an extremely young age in the Nest and was conditioned into thinking that kind of behaviour was normal. And by that I mean specifically Riko’s abuse but before that, it was Coach Moriyama that abused both of them.

He was stuck in the Nest for over a decade where his only role was “property” the entire time. That was all he would ever be to them and additionally to that, he wasn’t even allowed to be better than Riko. His entire life from the very start has been about exy but it was only after his mothers death where it became life or death.

During tfc when Neil finds out how Kevin’s hand really broke Wymack says “But the day Kevin stops playing forever is the day he dies. He has nothing else. He wasn't raised to have anything else. Do you understand? We cannot lose to the Ravens this year. Kevin won't survive it."

He wasn’t raised to have anything else, exy is quite literally his everything, and without it, he has nothing and nobody. In this same scene, Wymack says, “Kevin doesn't talk about his time at Evermore, but I could tell it wasn't the first time Riko or Moriyama laid a hand on him. It was just the first time Kevin was smart enough to pack his bags and walk away.”

We never find out in detail what exactly happened to Kevin in the Nest but in TRK when Neil goes there we can see how deluded and obsessed Riko is with Kevin.

Neil moved up alongside him and regretted it almost immediately. Postcards of faraway cities both foreign and domestic were taped to the walls. Beneath each one were scraps of paper. Kevin's now-familiar scrawl listed dates and explanations for the travels. Most of them were games. Some indicated photo shoots and interviews. Books lined the shelves built into the headboard and Neil knew from skimming the spines they were Kevin's. Kevin was majoring in history for reasons Neil couldn't understand; these dry titles were the sorts of things he would find fascinating. It gave Neil chills to see his space preserved like this. It was like Kevin had gone out on an errand, not that he'd transferred to another team entirely.

Riko is so sure that Kevin is going to come back to him because he’s instituted such fear into him, he doesn’t think Kevin has the strength to stand up to him. Which he does, but people don’t seem to realise you can’t undo over a decade's worth of trauma overnight.

Anyway, during Neil’s time in the Nest, he’s treated very similarly to how Kevin would be considering he was in his place but also not as harsh because they had to send Neil back to the Foxes inevitably.

"I am going to love hurting you," Riko said, "like I loved hurting Kevin."

What follows this is Riko tying Neil down and torturing him with a switchblade. By the time Neil leaves the Nest he doesn’t remember anything from the experience- he was so traumatised by it that he doesn’t remember it at all. (It also kinda sucks how Neil gets more sympathy for being in the nest for 2 weeks than Kev did for being there for over a decade.)

Putting this into perspective, Kevin went through that for so much longer and doesn’t get nearly enough of the same sympathy Neil did. Neil returned and Kevin got punched for letting him go even though he tried persuading Neil not to. Kevin has always had Neil’s best interest at heart.

Kevin shook his head and bulled on when Neil started to argue. "The master wants to salvage you. He's going to sign you to the Raven lineup in spring. So long as you keep quiet and keep your head down he won't tell the main family he's found you." "I'm not a Raven," Neil said. "I never will be." "Then run," Kevin insisted, low and frantic. "It's the only way you'll survive."

Kevin was willing to sacrifice the only chance he had to prove his autonomy to the Moriyamas if it meant Neil would be safe. Without Neil, they wouldn’t have enough players to qualify and they wouldn’t be able to play at all. (Again: “But the day Kevin stops playing forever is the day he dies. He has nothing else. He wasn't raised to have anything else. Do you understand? We cannot lose to the Ravens this year. Kevin won't survive it.")

Not to mention the whole “Kevin was silent for an endless minute, then said, "You should be Court." It was barely a whisper, but it cut Neil to the bone. It was a resentful goodbye to the bright future Kevin had wanted for Neil. Kevin recruited Neil because he believed in Neil's potential. He brought him to the Foxes intending to make a star athlete out of him. Despite his condescending attitude and his dismissals of Neil's best efforts Kevin honestly expected Neil to make the national team after graduation.

And even after that, he promised to teach Neil, because at the end of the day, Neil was still Neil and he never gave up on him once.

And Neil understood that being on the run for 8 years was more preferable to the Nest.

“But all Neil had to do was look at Kevin to know he would have hated that life

too.”

Sorry I kinda went off track there anyway we can also see how much Riko’s presence still affects Kevin especially in scenes like the Kathy Ferdinand show.

“Any animosity Neil felt toward Kevin for forcing him onto this show evaporated. He couldn't be angry when Riko was here, not when Riko was to Kevin what Neil's father was to him. Petty anger had nothing on this full-fledged terror.”

Obviously, we all know what a dickhead Neil’s dad was to him so Neil comparing the fear of his father being similar to Kevin’s fear of Riko is so important because it just puts into perspective how afraid Kevin is here face-to-face with his abuser the first time since said abuser permanently disabled him.

But what I don’t think is that Kevin has been standing upto Riko since the start because right after this when they were backstage, Kevin physically stopped Riko from hurting Neil even if it meant getting hurt by Riko again.

A black look twisted Riko's expression into something ugly and unrecognizable. He reached for Neil, but Kevin caught his arm to stop him. Riko slammed his elbow back into Kevin's face without missing a beat.

This scene is probably the best to describe how downright afraid Kevin is of Riko but there are others when Kevin has multiple panic attacks at just the thought of Riko or being in the same vicinity as him and rightfully so! Riko abused him, manipulated him and then took away the only thing he had. And Kevin was just forced to think this was okay.

And a lot of characters and fans see his fear as cowardice instead of a normal trauma response. This is also because Neil tends to speak out more against Riko than Kevin (You know I get it…) but unlike Neil, Kevin has had direct repercussions towards him for the “mistake” of talking back to Riko which of course makes him hesitant.

He knows the Moriyamas could drag him back at any moment and he's terrified of that happening.

Which leads to the second bit of “Kevin doesn’t stand up to Riko.” when many times, he has.

The most prominent example is in TRK, just after the foxes lost their first match to the ravens.

“You have fallen so far, Kevin. You should have stayed down and saved us the trouble of forcing you back to your knees." "I'm satisfied," Kevin said. It was the last response any of the Foxes expected from him. They forgot about Riko in favor of gaping at Kevin. "Not with their score or performance, but with their spirit. I was right. There's more than enough here for me to work with."

Kevin chose the foxes over the ravens- over Riko. He doesn’t allow their loss to become something Riko can use against him but instead something to affirm his current standing with them. This is also the first game Andrew played without his meds meaning he’s crashed by the end of it.

Kevin distracted the Ravens from Andrew's unsteadiness by facing them.

Kevin willingly turned to talk to his ex-abuser and his team if it meant Andrew wouldn’t be under fire. Most people only see Kevin and Andrew as Andrew protecting Kevin but Kevin protected Andrew just as much.

And of course we have the whole tattoo removal and the last exy match against the foxes but I need everyone to understand that those are so so so important. Kevin spent the entire series save the last quarter of the last book viewing himself as Riko’s property. Riko refers to him as such and even without Riko near him, his control is still strong over Kevin.

So Kevin removing his tattoo and replacing it with something with a higher hierarchical structure than Riko’s status as king is so detrimental, it’s a turning point for him because he’s viewing himself as his own person now. And Kevin scoring the winning goal brings us full circle because the last time he did that with Riko, he ended up disabled and shunned.

This brings me to my second point about Kevin running away from the nest. Alot of people see Kevin escpaing from the nest and leaving behind Jean as an act of cowardice. This bit gets a bit complicated because in no way shape or form am I trying to compare trauma’s or anything like that.

But to continue on. The ravens had a very strict policy that we got to see during Neil's experience one of which being that no matter how injured they were, they were still expected to show up to practice. The more mistakes they made the more punishment they'd find themselves in. Not showing was practically a death wish.

Now Kevin having his hand fucking broken would mean thay either he doesn't practise and get punished or practise with his fucked up hand and further damage it. If he stayed I wholeheartedly believe he would've died.

He ran away to save his life and that will never be cowardice not once. He didn't go to Wymack immediately when he found out because he knew what kind of target he'd paint on Wymacks back.

"He was trying to protect him," Neil said. "If Coach knew Kevin was his son, he'd have tried to take him from Edgar Allan." Nicky grimaced. "They'd have never let Kevin go."

He only left when he had no other option. He had nothing left, the one thing he did have was taken away from him, he had no purpose and for once Riko didn't care enough about him to pay attention. And he used that to run.

Leaving Jean behind was something he always regretted, but it was a game of survival. Jean was a gift to the Moriyamas, he was also property to them and couldn't leave. And if the roles were reversed I strongly believe Jean would've done the same thing.

Also Kevin finds a place for him layer with the trojans because he knew that being a fox wouldn't be good for him.

"He isn't safe with us," Kevin said. "I won't give him false hope."

Staying in the nest would've been suicide for Kevin. He's one of the biggest victims in the series but nobody talks about it enough I fear and there's so much to learn about him via context clues etc.

And the saddest thing in my opinion is that Kevin knew was it was like to be loved, he was raised by his mother for a few years before going to the Moriyamas.

ANYWAY to conclude, I suck at essays and I hope I've worded everything well and what I'm trying to say gets across. Kevin is not a coward, never has been a coward and never will be. He's survived through such a damaging and abusive environment only to get moved to a separate environment where everyone just ridicules his defense tactics and he has no real sense of support.

His reasons for what he does always stems from the fact the he doesn't want to go back to being under Riko and Coach Moriyamas "care" and that he's afraid. And most of the time it's things he can't shake from the nest.

Like when he pushes the foxes its so they're always at their best and so none of them get hurt or punished for mistakes. He pushed himself the hardest because he doesn't want to directly affect his teammates.

Or the celebrity persona he was forced to develop.

Or how he makes sure everyone is staying healthy and that they don't force themselves to play when sick or injured because he knows what it's like to be forced to play like that day after day.

AND IVE GONE OFF COURSE AGAIN yeah I kinda mashed together both analysis' of how Kevin's trauma from the nest affects him and how he's not a coward into one thing AND THIS IS SUPER LONG so if ur still here thank you very much for reading I really hope this makes sense

#kevin days defense lawyer right here #this is the longest thing ive ever posted on tumblr #aftg #kevin day #aftg kevin #neil josten #aftg neil #andrew minyard #matt boyd #aftg series #aftg andrew #andriel #kandreil #kevneil #kandrew #david wymack #riko moriyama #FUCK HIM #jean moreau

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decaflondonfog · 10 months

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shatter into you

[rated t, <1k, kevin day/jeremy knox, post canon tooth-rotting fluff]

Maybe the league at large doesn’t get it. Maybe only a very small number of people in this room — between Foxes, Ravens and Trojans — understand how big it is for all of them to be here, considering everything that has happened in the last year. Jeremy isn’t sure what the goal is behind making it a country-wide Christmas Banquet this year, but he is pretty sure no one here is pleased about it. Jeremy himself doesn’t think he gets it. He’s put some information together though, after many months of attempting to break the ice around Jean Moreau. He doesn’t need to understand it all to see how clearly uncomfortable Kevin is. Throughout the night, he bites his tongue so the questions don’t come spilling out. Aren’t you sick of people asking you about Riko? Do you flinch at quick-fire Japanese, like Jean? Would you want to come visit? If you were staying overnight, would you want to practice together in the morning? Do you… “Do you want to get out of here?”

He’s heard that before. Not outside his dreams though. Not with a very real Kevin day holding his elbow gently in his hand, not with the quirk of his mouth — not quite a smile but nearly — making Jeremy’s heart skip a beat, not with those eyes — those eyes (!), never quite this vibrant in Jeremy’s dreams… “God, yes.” Jeremy runs across the room for his jacket, comes back to Andrew Minyard’s angry whispering, to Coach Wymack’s worried eyes, to Neil Josten’s amused staring. “I’ll be back in time. I promise,” Kevin tells Wymack. He ignores Minyard and pulls Jeremy out of the room. “Where to?” he asks. Neither of them know the city, but Jeremy doesn’t mind getting lost if it’s with Kevin Day. The chatter is nervous, but easy. Jeremy talks and talks and talks, and Kevin laughs and laughs and laughs. Jeremy wants to do this forever. The bar they stumble upon is far nicer than anything he’d figured they’d end up at, but they’re both in suits and they don’t look a bit out of place amongst the low light, the cabinets full of expensive-looking trinkets covering the walls, and the quiet jazz playing in the background. Kevin insists on paying, and Jeremy is once again struck by how this must be a dream. But it’s not, because in his dreams Kevin never laughs quite so openly, never touches Jeremy’s hand as gently as he’s doing now. Kevin’s eyes go soft yet unreadable when Jeremy speaks of Jean, and Jeremy’s insides melt at how obvious Kevin’s love for Minyard and Josten is. It’s really sweet. Nothing gets Kevin talking like the subject of Exy, but it’s simultaneously overwhelming and endearing to realise that Kevin Day isn’t all Exy. As Kevin talks, Jeremy wishes he knew what falling felt like. He’d always assumed like actual falling. Alice down the rabbit hole, nothing under his feet. This feels like getting stuck in a wormhole, frozen in place by two equally powerful forces. Though Jeremy could easily let Kevin swallow him up like a blackhole. The thing is Kevin will be on his way back to South Carolina in only a couple of hours, Jeremy will be flying back home in the morning. The candlelight and the music turn Jeremy’s stomach, something out of a war film scene, the two of them slow dancing through the night, as if Kevin is getting deployed come morning. Kevin doesn’t let go of his hand when they leave the bar (Cinderella-like, clock-ticking, pumpkin-turning, mice-scattering). In the dark, Jeremy is less scared by the knowledge that he’s setting himself up for heartbreak. Kevin’s arm brushing against his is worth it. The Trojans are at their hotel, the Foxes scattered around their too-orange bus, and Kevin is pulling Jeremy away, pushing him against the wall, saying — soft and earnest — “I wish I could stay.” Jeremy (brave only under the light of the streetlamp), pushes up on the balls of his feet and presses his lips against Kevin’s, tentatively. Not a dream. Not a dream. Not a dream. Jeremy wants to do it again as soon as it ends. “Come to Palmetto,” Kevin says, just as Jeremy says, “Come to California.” They laugh. Then, “Text me.” “Call me.” Synced by wanting. Attuned by need. “Okay.” “Okay.” Jeremy only lets him go because he has to, but he knows he’ll be thinking of tonight for however long it will take until he sees Kevin again.

#[insert keyboard emoji here]#shatter into you #keremy #kevin day/jeremy knox #aftg #aftg fic #everything i know about love series #ficlets #this is so silly but so sos sosooooo soft #i love them

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chuck-the-goon · 4 years

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So my brother was showing me a few videos where American baseball, on friendly matches when the season’s not in, actually attach microphones and headpieces to a few players during the game? And instantly my head went straight to ‘what if they did that with Exy?’

They ask Andrew, Kevin, and Neil to give it a go first. Wymack making them do it for publicity, but also as a way for Neil to save face after his biting comebacks at post-game interviews. And also to give the foxes a slightly better rep all in.

They soon realise that they get nothing from Andrew apart from a bit of heavy breathing every now and then. The crowd and commentators put it down to Andrew’s commitment and focus and all the foxes get a good laugh at that when they watch the replay.

Kevin and Neil try not give Andrew away by snorting into their own mics, Kevin tries to hide his own guffaw the first time it happens by coughing violently enough that they ask if he needs to sit out.

Neil doesn’t say much apart from counting his steps in multiple languages, but it’s just a random number here and there. But then when the commentators ask Neil questions, he’s still as sassy as ever.

“Neil, tell us what’s going through your mind!” the second he scores.

“I’m thinking I might take my teammate up on his offer for a therapist because the voices in head are starting to give me dangerous ideas.”

“We’ll...let you play on and come back to you later then.”

But when Neil does start having fun, starts to relax a little, he gives some of the wittiest comments and opinions, and some really snarky tips for all the players. People start tuning into the foxes game’s a lot more for his dry sense of humour.

Kevin though.

Kevin ‘most handsome and well spoken and humble in the public eye’ Day is sweating. And his teammates know it, all having a small twinkle of mischief in their eyes.

Kevin is downright vicious when he’s playing, especially in his commands to other players to pass to him, or watch his back, or defend the goal. His french is downright filthy sometimes too. So this headset thing is a lesson in control for Kevin.

He does well for the most part, but you can’t hold Kevin back when his brain is in competitive mode.

And then when the commentators start asking questions mid match...it doesn’t take long for Kevin to crack.

“Your style of playing has changed so much in the past few years since you left the Ravens, how do your teammates fare in comparison, now that you all seem to be settled.”

“They’re been improving every day and I can proudly say that they are meeting every expectation I have- except Neil! Christ sake! I was right there! même votre mère pouvait voir que je me tenais là et elle est six pieds sous!”

“...Kevin, sorry son, we missed that, could you repeat that but in English?”

Neil, fuming and ready to hurl his racket at Kevin’s head a few hundred times, “Yeah, Kevin, c’mon, tell the whole world what you just said.”

Kevin goes deathly pale and doesn’t really say anything for the rest of the match, but in his post-game interview, it’s his turn to start trying to save face.

Somewhere, Jean is howling in laughter at Kevin’s expense.

And yet, this slightly unpolished version of Kevin makes him more favourable in the public eye for not being so robotic and inhuman, and that he does slip up every now and then.

Everyone kind of hates it but they’re also hella relieved.

It does take quite a bit of sucking up to do on Kevin’s part.

They give everyone else a turn on the headset: Aaron is the same as Andrew and doesn’t say much, Nicky won’t stop talking to give the other players a chance to chip in, Dan is professional as always, Matt laughs infectiously even when he stumbles, and get’s everyone’s team spirit up, Allison is flirtatious and just as sassy, Renee is the humble one and comments more on the great skills of the opposing players.

All in all, it’s an experience for all of them and Wymack regrets his decision to do this before it even finishes.

Feel free to add anything on to this!! And Kevin says something along the lines of ‘your mother could see I was standing there and she is six feet under’ which is just...harsh dude. Maybe it takes a while for the public to get over that when they translate after all. And maybe a statement or two from Neil for people to forgive and forget...

#aftg #all for the game #the foxhole court #andrew minyard #kevin day #neil josten #nicky hemmick #allison reynolds #aaron minyard #renee walker #dan wilds #matt boyd #david wymack #the raven king #the king's men #my writing

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boulderuphill · 3 years

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call me (kevjean, 1k)

Warnings: (light) mentions of abuse, alcohol and drugs, but that kind of comes w the territory i guess.

“You called me last night.”

Kevin’s mind flashes with images from the night at Eden’s. It’s a blur of Nicky laughing while holding up a bag of cracker dust, trays of shots, scrolling through old messages.

He closes his eyes and tries to bring the memories into focus, but all it does is increase the headache he’s been nursing all morning.

“I did?”

Kevin slips his buzzing phone out of his pocket, but the name on the screen makes him do a double take. Andrew is still engrossed in his book, not showing any sign of even having noticed it ringing, but Kevin still slips out of the living room and into the bathroom. There, he leans against the locked door and takes a deep breath, then he picks up.

“Hello?”

“Kevin.” Jean’s accent shines through, even saying something so short and simple. The fact that it’s actually him on the other end, and not Riko with Jean’s phone, is a greater relief that Kevin expects. But he isn’t able to relax quite yet.

“Yeah, it’s me,” he says, “is everything alright?”

“You called me last night.”

Kevin’s mind flashes with images from the night at Eden’s. It’s a blur of Nicky laughing while holding up a bag of cracker dust, trays full of shots, scrolling through old messages.

He closes his eyes and tries to bring the memories into focus, but all it does is increase the headache he’s been nursing all morning.

“I did?”

“You did.” There is a pause, and when Jean speaks again it’s in French. “You told me you hate it there.”

“I was drunk,” Kevin says, ignoring the pang of guilt, and it earns him a scoff.

“Really? I could never have guessed from the way you were slurring your words, or how you stayed on the phone even when you threw up.”

The memory of his knees pressing against cold bathroom tiles is suddenly the most vivid of them all. It’s like watching a rerun of a thousand previous nights, all of which end with his forehead resting against the toilet seat, and with the quiet resolve to never drink again.

“It’s been a rough week,” he says, because it’s true. Then he remembers what constitutes as a ‘rough week’ in the Nest, and immediately regrets it. “It won’t happen again.”

“Funny,” Jean says, his tone cold and humourless. “You want us to pretend like you don’t always do this, then.”

“I don’t want us to do anything.” There’s a soft ‘thunk’ when Kevin leans his head back to stare at the ceiling, trying to focus on anything except the hazy recollections of last night. “Did you call just to lecture me?” he asks.

“I need a reason to call now? You are the only one who is allowed to do it out of nowhere? Maybe I am like you, and calling because I am an idiot who is only now starting to realise that you walking away from Riko is going to have bigger consequences than we could have even imagined.”

Despite Jean’s voice being low, almost a whisper, the words are quick and fierce like bullets shooting through the phone. The headache still has Kevin in an iron grip, and he presses his fingers to his temple in search of relief. When it doesn’t work he squeezes his eyes shut again, and the dark makes it a little easier to focus.

“Look,” he says, “I don’t remember what I said last night, but I don’t hate it here. And it doesn’t matter what the consequences of me leaving are, because there’s nothing I can do to undo it.”

This time the pause is a little too long. Enough so that Kevin brings the phone from his ear to make sure Jean is still on the line. When he presses it against his ear again he’s just able to make out the breaths on the other side, then Jean speaks again, with a voice void of all its usual firmness.

“You could come back.”

The words should make him angry. Jean, better than anyone, knows why he had to leave, and all that he gave up in doing so. But it is not anger that showers over him like cold water, or disappointment that twists his stomach and weakens his knees. Instead it is doubt, filling his body until it’s sliding along the door and lands sitting on the floor.

“Don’t say that.” He swallows, because the words do not sound as assertive as he means for them to.

“Why not? You are stubborn, not stupid.”

“Because you know I can’t come back. Riko wouldn’t let me.”

Just the thought of facing Riko again makes him nauseous. It’s been months, but at times it still feels like he could burst through the door of Kevin’s dorms at any moment. He would be furious, forcing Kevin onto his bed and sitting on his chest. Then he would press the knife against Kevin’s throat, and tell him that a choice is a choice is a choice.

“He would,” Jean says, and it doesn’t sound like a pitiful lie. “He has not let anyone touch your room; it’s still the same. We practice the drills as if you’re coming back. He even calls me Kevin sometimes when he’s...” Jean’s voice trails off, but Kevin has no trouble filling in the blanks himself.

“You could leave too.” Kevin says it before his mind catches up with his mouth. On the other end of the line, Jean laughs. It’s cold and bitter, but the sound of it still makes something within Kevin ache.

“Maybe it is stupidity and not stubbornness after all. Does Wymack run a home for wayward Ravens now? Do you think me coming there would make us all a big happy family? That Riko would let me run, just like he has indulged this little experiment of yours? If you truly intend on staying, like you say you are, then lose my number. Because the next time you call me to cry about how you don’t fit in with those rejects, I won’t pick up.”

Kevin pulls his knees to his chest, hugs them with his free arm until he has made himself as small as his tall frame permits.

“I’m sorry I left you,” he says, and the words make his mouth numb in a way that makes him certain he has never spoken them before, drunk or sober.

“You are not.” Jean’s voice isn’t soft anymore. But it also is not harsh. Just tired. “But I’m not either. It was just easier when you were here too.”

The words are left hanging between them in perfect silence. It takes Kevin what feels like minutes before he’s able to reply, and when he does the words are small and inadequate.

“I miss you too.”

if u liked this and ur into kevjean check out my ao3 :^) also me and anna are working on another longer kevjean fic that we’re about to wrap up. so stay tuned and pls look forward to it etc!!

#kevin day #jean moreau #kevjean #aftg #aftg fic #fic

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palmettoes · 6 years

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67 + Neil and the Upperclassmen? -sapphicwilds

( @sapphicwilds anyway i’m the literal worst and it’s been 87 years aND i’m still not happy with this but thank you sm for the prompt !!!! i hope u can find at least some enjoyment out of this

also i hope you don’t mind but i shoved some light renison in there because i’m a deprived lesbian u kno how it be)

send me prompts!

67. “If you don’t want to talk about it then say so. Don’t lie and pretend to be fine when you clearly aren’t.”

Upstate Regional Airport never seems to change. Although sheprefers making the trip from Boston to South Carolina by road, Allison has beenin and out of this airport numerous times in the past three years and each isidentical to the last. Her favourite part is the Starbucks just outside thefront entrance and she makes a beeline for it immediately after touchdown.Everything about this trip is significantly more manageable once she has alatte in hand.

Renee is the next to show up and she is still in heruniform, because the world is not about giving Allison a break. She slides intothe booth across from Allison, duffle banging heftily against the bench, andtugs her hair free from its tight bun at the back of her head. Allison focuseson the Peace Corps symbol embroidered over Renee’s left breast pocket so shedoesn’t have to think about the way three years has done nothing to still therush of her heart.

“I hope Abby won’t mind me taking over her shower for anhour at least. I’m a mess,” Renee laughs, rummaging through the pocket of herduffle. Allison smiles and taps her fingers steadily against her takeaway cup.She’s a mess of a different kind, but she doesn’t voice as much. One Fox down,three to go. Allison has never been very good at sentimentality, and reunionsare about as sentimental as it gets.

Renee produces a handful of coins and disappears to orderherself a sweet tea, so Allison takes the opportunity to people watch out thewindow. There’s a constant hustle of people loading luggage into taxis at thelayby, but Allison is keeping an eye out for a familiar battered pickup truck.

When Dan and Matt arrive, it’s in a seven-seater Range Roverthat Allison doesn’t expect at all. She doesn’t even notice them until Reneemoves to stand and, even then, it’s only because Dan is leaning halfway out thewindow to wave enthusiastically at them. They pile their luggage in and climbinto the backseat after it, and Matt pulls out onto the road.

“This is an awfully big car for just the two of you,”Allison says suspiciously. The state of the upholstery and lack of dustsuggests it’s new and she can’t help but feel a little cheated out of what isclearly an important update in their lives. She only notices the quiet look Danand Matt share because she’s watching them carefully in the rear-view mirror.

“It’s good to be prepared,” Dan says delicately.

“No freaking way,” Allison says, thumping her fist against theback of Dan’s headrest. The others laugh and she reaches round to dig herfingers into Dan’s hair, giving it a light tug. “I can’t believe you.”

“Nothing’s definite. It’s just, you know, on the table.”

Allison shares a private eye roll with Renee, because theyboth know it’s been definite since their junior year. She just hadn’t realisedhow much of their lives her friends were living without her. It still shocksher sometimes that her Foxes haven’t frozen in time as she remembers them, thatthere’s an entire world between Massachusetts and Georgia and further stillbetween her and wherever the hell Renee’s next assignment will send her. Theyhave grown independently of one another and Allison can see them all blossomingwhile she herself is still waiting to sprout.

Pulling into the stadium parking lot is nostalgic enough tobe sickening. Allison is impatient to get inside the gates and get this overwith, but the others seem to be content with just looking. Dan reaches out tolace her fingers through the mesh fence and Allison doesn’t miss the way shesighs into her shoulder, like she’s scared the noise might come out more sobthan anything. Allison doesn’t have a sentimental bone in her body, but sheisn’t heartless. She won’t begrudge her friends their reminiscence.

Renee presses her fingertips to the inside of Allison’sforearm and leans their shoulders together. Allison barely suppresses ashudder.

“Feels good to be back, right?” she says softly, like it’s asecret only Allison is allowed to know. They’ve each visited innumerable timessince their graduation but never altogether like this, and never since Neilbecame the sole original Fox left on the team.

“It would feel better to actually be inside,” Allison saysand Renee accepts it easily. Dan steps up to the gate and punches a few numbersinto the keypad, and they walk into the Foxhole Court.

Dan and Matt take the lead down the corridor towards thebreak room, so Allison walks beside Renee behind them. Renee brushes herfingers along the wall as they walk and Allison pretends not to notice becausethe sight of it makes sadness twist like a knife in her gut. She’d never say itbut she misses walking this corridor with them more than she cares to admit,even to herself.

They enter the foyer just as the Foxes are gathering for apost-practice pep talk. Allison’s gaze flits over a crowd of relativelyunfamiliar faces, before settling on Neil standing alone in the doorway. Shecan tell by the way he holds his body that he is desperately trying to meltinto shadows but being all too loud about it in the process. He looks lost in away she hasn’t seen him for years, and his gaze latches onto the upperclassmenlike they might be the only thing tethering him to land.

“Josten,” she says to dispel the tension, because looking athim makes her ache in ways that are somehow still foreign.

“Reynolds,” he says and his voice sounds like gravel.

Danger, she thinks because she does not like the wayhis expression shutters, and she can tell Renee senses it too from the weightof her index finger tugging at a belt loop on Allison’s jeans. They ignore therest of the team and head straight for him, crowding him back into the hallwayhe came from, like they can keep him safe just by keeping him from sight.

Allison hears Dan steal Wymack’s attention behind them, butshe doesn’t have time to worry about formalities. She swings an arm around Neiland manoeuvers him to be sandwiched between her and Renee. They are a blockadeshielding him from the rest of his team, from the world outside, from whateveris making his hands grip dents into the strap of his duffle.

“You’re hitching a lift with us. You don’t mind, Coach?”Allison phrases it like a question but no one is stupid enough to think thereis room for argument. Wymack waves a nonchalant hand, despite the sharp look inhis eyes when he addresses Neil.

“Don’t stay out all night. I need my captain at practicetomorrow,” he says. His tongue lingers over captain, like a heavysecret, and Allison has no trouble reading between the lines. Wymack needs Neil,not this shell in the shape of his body. Allison squeezes his shoulders alittle tighter and pulls him forward.

“We’ll make sure he’s there,” she says, pushes past the restof the Foxes, and guides her Neil-and-Renee combo out into the carpark. Theyclimb into the back of the Rover, Neil still squished thigh-to-thigh betweenthe girls, and Dan and Matt join them not long after. Neil picks at a fray inhis jeans as Matt pulls away from the Foxhole Court. Allison tries not tostare, but he is a picture perfect apparition of the ghost of a boy long sinceburied. He is a study in disappearing and Allison can feel thedesperation to run thrumming through the air around him. It has been fouryears. Looking at Neil, it feels like no time at all.

“What’s going on?” Dan says eventually, her eyebrowsknitting in the rear-view mirror. Neil jolts and all four of them pretend notto notice the fear he smooths out of his features.

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

And, really, four years does nothing for a personhell-bent on self-destruction. Allison frowns at the side of hishead—calculating, concerned, cautious. She hasn’t felt this way around Neil along time.

It’s only because she has spent years envying Neil’s naturalhair colour that she notices the difference. (It’s only because he’s trying toohard to hide it. Allison resolutely doesn’t think about how much would gounnoticed if he wasn’t giving himself away.)

“You dyed your hair, kiddo?” she asks, sliding her fingersthrough the thick curls. Neil doesn’t flinch at the touch, but it’s a nearthing and they both know it. Allison retracts her hand instantly.

“I felt like a change,” Neil says, and his voice isnonchalant but the face he pulls is anything but.

“A change?” Dan asks incredulously.

“A change would be dyeing your hair neon green. You hardlylook any different,” Matt says. Neil opens his mouth to respond but Allisondoesn’t have time for them to hash out this argument. Not when Neil is sittingthere looking like that.

“Pull over, Matt,” she says sharply and is almost surprisedwhen he does so without question. They turn into a Walmart carpark and Allisonis out the door almost before they’ve stopped.

“Get out,” she says, pointing at Neil then stabbing herfinger at the ground in front of her.

“I’m fi–” he starts, but she cuts him off viciously.

“Out.”

He gets out.

They face each other down, twin righteous pillars on a crashcourse destined for collision. Allison can almost see the walls slamming intoplace, shuttering Neil’s vision and cutting her off before she can wedge onefoot in the door. They’ve all grown used to living in each other’s backpockets, but the last thing she expected is for him to use this complacencyagainst her.

“What’s going on?” she says in her best impersonation ofWymack. She’d try for Andrew if she was naïve enough not to know how horriblydisastrous that would be, but Wymack is second best at wheedling informationfrom Neil when his demeanour turns to brick and mortar.

“Nothing.”

“I’ll take the truth without a side order of bullshit,thanks.”

In her peripheral, Allison sees Matt move to climb out andRenee reach over to stop him. It’s just as well, because Neil is embodying thatdeer-caught-in-headlights look he first showed up with and Allison can alreadyimagine how easily he’d run if spooked. She folds her arms over her chest andwatches his fingers twitch over the hem of his shirt. He’s searching for lies,picking them apart in his head and piecing them together in the shape ofsomething believable. She can see it behind his expression—she barely even hasto look for it anymore. Whether or not he likes it, he has turned himself intoa book and flipped the pages open for them one by one. He gave himself to theFoxes and, for better or for worse, it is too late to take himself back.Allison knows he knows this, but he tries anyway.

“Look, if you don’t want to talk about it then say so. Don’tlie and pretend to be fine when you clearly aren’t.”

It’s the get out ofjail free card freshman Neil would have pounced on, but fifth-year Neil knowsAllison as well as she knows him. He is better at the give-and-take than heever has been and Allison watches his focus shift from finding the right lie tofinding a truth he can give in response.

“It’s lonely,” he says at length and his voice cracks in allthe wrong places. Allison feels it like a blade to her heart. “Being herewithout… without any of you. It’s like before.”

Guilt is an unfamiliar weight in Allison’s stomach, heavyand cold as ice. She feels sick with the spread of it across her gut,spiralling up her chest and spiking in the back of her throat. Neil’s eyes arebaleful, broken, lost. They are a white flag, waving surrender into the endlessvoid of the ocean. Allison does not think she’s ever been equipped for rescuemissions.

The others approach slowly from behind, but Allison isalready reaching forward, desperate to hold Neil’s cracked edges in place untilhe finds the strength to mend himself.

“Neil,” she whispers and he shifts into the welcome of heroutstretched arms. That’s all it takes for the rest of them to converge,clamouring for a spare limb, for any appendage to cling to, desperate in theirdesire to keep Neil steady. Allison presses her cheek to the crown of his head,Dan winds an arm around his waist, Renee slips her fingertips over his bicep,and Matt engulfs them all in a bear hug, bumping his chin lightly against Neil’sscalp.

Allison couldn’t say how long they stay like that, huddledaround this ghost in a half empty Walmart carpark, but it is long enough thatsome of the colour is returning to Neil’s cheeks and his hands don’t shake whenhe brushes hair out of his eyes. Neil has long since been the glue holding theFoxes (new and old and everything in between) together, but for the first timeAllison realises, somewhere along the way, they became the glue sliding betweenhis cracked exterior and the stitches patching him up at the end of the world.Something like nostalgia (like home and family and love lovelove) swoops in her heart and, for once, she doesn’t quash it.

Inexplicably, they end up at the same restaurant, a burgerjoint downtown from the university, that they’d first taken Neil to after hebecame the newest addition to the Foxes all those years ago. Allison almostscoffs at the sentimentality, but the fact that she notices says far more abouther than she’s willing to address. The five of them squish into an L-shapedbooth, elbows overlapping and knees knocking beneath the table, and it’s easyto fall back on the familiarity of it all. Allison has been graduated and alonegoing on four years, but if she doesn’t think too hard about it she can almostbelieve she’s still a reckless student winding down from a day of toughpractice and tougher in-fighting. She doesn’t miss it, and yet she does, in thesmall ways that feel large enough to swallow her whole.

There’s a lull in the conversation and Allison takes herchance, bumping her shoulder lightly with Neil’s where they’re pressed tight.

“Why the hair dye?”

His expression falters for all of a second and she almostthinks she won’t get a reply, before he picks himself up smoothly and shrugs.

“Sometimes the pressure of staying is too heavy. I have too muchto live for and I’m still learning what it means to be real, in my own right.Dyeing my hair feels a little closer to what I’m used to. It feels safer.”

Silence hangs in the air for several loaded seconds, heavyand humid all around them, before Allison tips her head to rest against Neil’sand smiles.

“Just promise me you won’t do something stupid like shavingyour head. That would be a travesty.”

It sparks a laugh from Neil and sets the tension ripplingaway in waves. The others relax into its wake and Matt, on the other side ofNeil, pushes a careful hand through Neil’s curls, tucking them away from hisforehead.

“I don’t know, I think he could rock the bald look,” hesays, mischief glinting in his eyes.

“Of course he could. Neil could rock anything,” Dan chips inand Allison groans, ready to gripe something about the fashion disaster seated nextto her. There’s an easy rhythm amongst them, a four-step waltz they’ve learntto dance with their eyes closed, and it steals the concern from heavy limbs,leaving Allison feeling weightless and enamoured. It’s always been like this—thegentle push and pull, never asking too much, never taking more than they cangive—and she falls into the safety of it with practised ease. It’s thehomecoming she’s been waiting three years for and she doesn’t even care thather heart is swelling with the warmth of it.

Renee kicks Allison’s foot under the table and hooks hertoes around the back of Allison’s ankle, holding steadfast. Allison settlesback into her skin.

#ok so like i took an unexpected 2 month break somewhere in there but im back to writing #gonna spend the next few weeks filling prompts so if urs is still unanswered !!! im getting to it i swear !!!!#maz.dox #ajr #fic #sapphicwilds #answered

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aftgficlibrary · 6 years

Text

Enemies (to Friends) to Lovers

This Is What Hollows by constellationqueen ( E | Incomplete | 20/? )

A month after Kevin runs from the Ravens, Nathaniel Wesninski is sent to the Foxes as a message from Riko.

/Graphic Depictions of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage

The Bodyguard by bourbon ( T | Incomplete | 11/? )

“Hello, you’ve reached the homosexual agenda, how may I help you?”

“Nicky.”, Andrew growled.

“Oh, my favorite cousin! I would ask you to join our cause but it seems you already did.”

_______

Or where Neil hires Andrew as a bodyguard but ends up (fake) dating him instead.

Natural Born Kissers by conniptionns ( E | Incomplete | 4/? )

“The fuck is your damage,” Neil seethed.

“That’s my seat,” the blond informed him in a bored monotone.

“Okay, and?” Neil was incredulous.

“And, get the fuck up.”

//\\

A coffeeshop meet-not-cute

/Graphic Depictions of Violence

Camp Foxhole by everythingsshiny ( G | 24,294 | 5/5 )

Working at Camp Foxhole was supposed to be just another way for Neil to hide.

Perhaps if he knew how chaotic a summer camp could get, or how prone one particular co-worker was to violence, he would have chosen to hide somewhere else.

Stranger Lay Beside Me by conniptionns ( M | Incomplete | 5/? )

commission prompt: Andrew has it all and Neil's never wanted for more than he's had, but now Neil's something Andrew get can't easily get and Andrew's something Neil thought he would never need.

not expected by hmm ( E | 5,301 | 1/1 )

Neil’s halfway through his fifteenth lap around the court when he decides he hates Andrew Minyard. It’s not that Minyard’s specifically targeted Neil or anything, but Neil is positive the other man is out to get him. What other reason would Minyard have for provoking Coach? Neil knows that Minyard earned the team thirty laps on purpose. He can’t prove it yet, but he plans to.

See, it isn’t that Minyard’s flat out told Neil to go fuck himself, although Neil’s sure he’s thought about it many times. It isn’t even that Minyard has been physically aggressive towards Neil, which he’s seen on many occasions. It’s more the fact that right before Minyard mouthed off to Coach, earning thirty laps for the whole team, he sent Neil a smug grin, a challenge evident.

Neil’s never been one to back down from a challenge.

Feels Like Wasted Youth by conniptionns, exybee ( M | Incomplete | 1/6 )

Neil’s current living situation is … complicated.

Between his roommates’ badass rager parties and his neighbors’ constant barging into his apartment, Neil’s sure he can handle anything junior year throws at him

That is, until someone leaves a passive-aggressive noise complaint on his door. Unfortunately for the second floor, Neil has skipped the passive and gone full aggressive.

Shenanigans ensue.

Or the Neighbors AU featuring post-finals parties, ill-timed fire alarms, and campus squirrels that are on some next level shit.

night and day by reneewvlkers ( T | 3,044 | 1/1 )

It's that classic story of girl likes girl but doesn't realise she does so they flirt by arguing in front of everyone they know until they finally own up to it.

Gucci Gang by wesninskids ( M | Incomplete | 4/? )

Perfection is everywhere. It’s hidden, it’s safe and sound where curious eyes don’t think to linger, it’s where the night stops and starts, in the little things we do not hear. It lies where the right people can spot it—and sometimes, sometimes it lets itself be taken and used, be loved, destroyed even.

Nathaniel Wesninski had never been after perfection. He thought it reserved to the weak-minded, at first, those who’d never have anything else to search after than beauty, those who would never understand it and never quite do it justice. But when you’re nineteen, anything can be beautiful: from a timid sunset to gentle hands running along your spine, a kiss, a lie, a pitch black night with nothing but mystery and unknown and secrets. Chaos, too. Chaos above all things.

The gods should have considered it when they gave Nathaniel Wesninski all the tools he needed to obtain it: money, power, beauty and depth, eyes that never stared for too long and never gave away everything. They should have known it’d take a monster to destroy one. They should have known monsters and perfection never did too well.

If they had known, then perhaps no one would have died.

Perhaps.

Let me tell you a story about war by wesninskids ( M | Incomplete | 8/? )

Nathaniel Wesninski is the third dangerous piece of machinery to Riko's Perfect Court. He's a Raven before the hour, and it's a somber wagon Jean Moreau is the latest addition to.

Taller, older, fuming with pride and anger, dangerously charismatic and with a certain talent for causing trouble, he's the kind of threat Nathaniel should eradicate for his own sake. But Ravens operate on a pair-based system to enhance synchrony, and he's stuck with Jean whether he wants it or not.

There can only be so long before one of them breaks, and Nathaniel is determined not to be the first.

/Graphic Depictions of Violence, Underage

Black As Is The Raven, He’ll Get A Partner by nekojita ( E | Incomplete | 31/?)

When Wymack, Kevin and Andrew came to recruit Neil Josten in Millport, Neil decided to say 'no' instead of 'yes' to joining the Foxes and does what he does best, which is runs. Unfortunately, that brings him to the attention of the Moriyamas, who return him to to his 'rightful' place.Now Neil has to learn how to survive at the Nest with his only ally another 'asset' long kept under Riko's heel.

/Rape + Violence

#masterlist #enemies2lovers #masterlistmonday #andreil #au #theme:au #theme:enemies2lovers #lailalverez #jean/neil #kevineil #rarepair

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badacts · 7 years

Note

oh man go wild with the daemon au, nurture it, do never stop because holy crap it's perfect ur perfect ily

:)))))

(part one) (part two)

Andrew is waiting for Neil in the stairwell, Amaranth a silent shadow at his side. They’re mirrors of one another – her still for the first time Neil can remember, Andrew’s propped pose for once not put on.

Andrew has always been a deft hand at pretending to be sober while flirting with the crash of withdrawal, but Amaranth is no actress. This is unmistakeably something else, beyond the dull cast of Andrew’s face.

Neil hands over the weight of the bands in his palm to Andrew, feeling the loss like something heavier than cloth and two evenly balanced knives. It’s something like relief - Neil remembers the strength in Andrew just barely against him in the lee of the driver’s door just before, close enough for his breath to rustle Sin’s ruff. Taking up Neil’s own weight all over again.

Amaranth leads them up the stairwell, but makes way for Andrew to rattle the door open to the roof. She hangs back when Andrew steps to the edge and looks out across the campus, sitting on her haunches.

Sin stirs against his shoulder. Her voice is all breath at his ear when she says, “Put me down.”

It’s for Neil’s benefit, not her own. She’s not walking wounded like he is, but her jumping from her position about his neck would hurt him further. It’s also the first time she’s spoken since she whispered help us on Wymack’s kitchen floor while Neil was too busy breaking to say a real word himself.

He lets her down, feeling the pain of it in his back and shoulders. It’s also one of the few times they haven’t been touching since he came back from Evermore, and he has to stay close to her to stop the sick drag of her absence adding to every other ache in him.

Amaranth moves as they get closer – Neil pauses back a step, curious as to what Sin is doing but not wary enough to stop her. He watches from there the flicker of the hyena’s ears, the slow turn of her head. She’s not an actress, or she’s not quite like Andrew now either. Her eyes aren’t all the way dead as she watches Sin.

Neil waits for her to snarl. She doesn’t. She bows her head towards Sin, gets nose to nose with her like they’re exchanging breath, and there’s a brief brush of contact that Neil feels like shockwave-heat washing across his face. It leaves his skin prickling even when it ends.

At some point, Andrew has turned to watch the daemons too. Stance square and eyes not blown for the first time in months, he says to Neil, “Care to explain?”

“Not particularly,” Neil replies. He’s black and blue and inked under the thin protective shell of a bandage, and he can’t bear Sin to be more than an arms-length away from him. He figures it all speaks for itself, other than the perpetrator, and Andrew has never been interested in that kind of detail. To him the what has always outweighed the who.

Andrew isn’t looking at the marks on Neil anyway – he’s looking at his eyes, which are the bright silver blue of glacial ice. “Did I break my promise, or were you keeping yours?”

Neil says, “Neither.”

“I gave you a truth on credit in November,” Andrew reminds him. “Do not lie to me.”

“I’m not lying,” Neil replies. “I spent the winter break in Evermore.”

Andrew moves – Neil feels Sin collide with his ankles in a full-body flinch before his brain even recognises that Andrew is coming towards them. She’s not snarling, not the same creature that left bite marks on Jean’s forearms, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t earn Andrew’s attention. Or, for that matter, Amaranth’s.

Neil knows Andrew’s intention anyway. Curving his nails under the bandage on his cheek is enough of a distraction to the pair of eyes trained of Sin, and gives her the opportunity to curl her tail around his ankle like comfort. Neil turns his chin, gives Andrew the full effect of the number on his cheek.

“That does not look like the face of someone who claims to hate Riko Moriyama,” Andrew says.

“It wasn’t my choice,” Neil says, turning back to meet Andrew’s gaze head on as he pats the bandage back in place.

“You chose to go into the Raven’s Nest. Did you forget you were supposed to stay with Kevin?”

“I promised to keep him safe,” Neil reminds Andrew, as though it’s necessary. “I never promised to shadow him every second like you. That doesn’t mean I broke our deal.”

“You would favour the spirit of the law over the word of it,” Andrew says. “But you said this had nothing to do with Kevin. Why go there and throw yourself on Riko’s non-existent mercy?”

Neil swallows. Andrew’s expression doesn’t permit lying. “Riko said if I didn’t, Doctor Proust would-”

This time, Sin doesn’t get a chance to wince before Andrew’s hand claps over Neil’s mouth. It’s a confirmation that sends rage burning through Neil all over again.

“Kevin is the one who needed your protection, for all the good it did him,” Andrew says, his palm humid with Neil’s too-quick reflected breath. “Do not make the mistake of thinking that I will ever need it.”

“We had to try,” Sin says in place of Neil, from between their feet. She’s crowded against Neil’s ankles to avoid Andrew touching her. “Do you really think we could face you again if we’d done nothing?”

Andrew’s hand drops from Neil’s face and he steps back. Behind him, Amaranth is standing now, her head dropped low between her shoulders. There’s no recognisable intent, but it still looks like a casual threat in the same way as Andrew’s curved fingers do even back at his sides.

“That sounds like your problem, not mine. Don’t expect our gratitude,” he says, still bored. Neil thinks it’s the first time he’s ever heard Andrew use the word our, to speak like Amaranth is a being and not his slavering shadow. He wonders if it’s a slip or utterly deliberate.

“I said that I would keep you alive this year. You make my job more difficult when you actively seek your own death,” he continues, taking another step back that puts Amaranth directly at his heels. “The next time someone offers to help you into your grave, let me deal with it. Do you understand me?”

“I won’t,” Neil replies. “Not if it means losing you.”

Andrew’s gaze flickers away, his hand going to his pocket with muscle-memory that looks more at home on him on the court than here, where he stumbles. Neil guesses they don’t let you smoke in a rehab facility.

He pulls his own pack out of his pocket and tosses it over, watching as Andrew takes one and lights it before throwing the pack back. Then, around a breath of smoke, Andrew says, “I hate you.”

“You were meant to be a side effect of the drugs,” says a voice that Neil doesn’t recognise, low and lilting and a little rough like a smoker’s. He almost looks over his shoulder before he realises the speaker is right there – it’s Amaranth.

Daemons don’t speak to other people, or only rarely. Sin is unusual, rare in her abrasiveness and unwillingness to be silent. To hear Amaranth speak is staggering in a way that even seeing them sober isn’t. Knowing that the last time she was here in the Tower she couldn’t talk at all is even more so.

“I’m not a hallucination,” Neil says, dumbstruck.

“You are a pipedream,” Andrew says, his attention back to the view. It’s only the slight tilt of his head that indicates his consideration of his own daemon. Perhaps she surprised him as well. “Go away and leave us alone.”

#the foxhole court #andreil #my fic #hdm au #i'm not dead #just barely still alive #Anonymous #vague discussion of abuse #proust

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