☹️

My mom is making grilled chicken for dinner today and I want to jump out the window. Grilled chicken is like one of my FAVORITE foods ever but I’m fasting. Why can’t I just go back to being oblivious about my appearance and just eat what i want😞

Lust Vs Love

A woman called ‘A’ is unsure whether she could fall in love again, if she could feel vulnerable and let other enters her life. If there’s no failure, how would you grow. She wants to fall in love, but she is afraid if her past will haunt her down. Will there be any setback, I mean there’s always setback for anything in life? There’s a price to pay in everything you do, in their words there’s consequences to every decision you made. She is scared and overthinker, she need assurance as she is surrounded herself with lust. She won’t blame anyone for it, she can only blame herself for making such decision. She need failure then she will grow.

She has many things that rushing into her mind now, so many things and she hate that fact that she is overthinking, and she remember overthinking will only make things worse and the only thing she could do is fight it off. Don’t think so much about it. It is on her, will she be able to control herself, will she able to keep her mind to herself. She knows that her loyalty will be tested for sure.

She tells herself that she cannot be in confine space whether it is just between the walls. If she is in the public, she can behave herself, be civilized and with RBF expression on her facial expression. Her lifestyle is very toxic that she wouldn’t want to settle down for less. It made her feel that she doesn’t know what she wants. She is taking things on her pace. She is not rushing on getting married, having kids whereby most of her family, her friends, her colleague are already settling down while she is not going to settled down for less. She doesn’t want to become desperate or anything. She doesn’t have what it takes to be in relationship as many things will be tested, especially her loyalty.

Will she be able to do so?

 P.S This is the story that I wanna write yet I get affected by it as it’s basically about me and it make me overthink on things now.

How does one go about retraining a brain?

These past months my anxiety has been a constant state of being, not just fleeting moments. I have to take something at night to help me sleep, or else I would be up with my anxiety all night.

Today, while I was creating the worst-case scenarios in my head (where my landlord finds out we didn’t have enough to cover the rent check and they tried to get a hold of me but my phones been shut off, and when will they get their money? (I don’t know, is the answer)) I realize that I am the instigator in most of my anxiety. Really, I kept watching the door because I was sure they would come a-knocking at any moment. And what would I tell them?

So, I tried to get myself to focus on that exact moment. The dishes in my hands. The warm suds. The methodical cleaning of the kitchen. There was nothing to worry about in that moment. There was no need to be anxious or jumpy because the dishes were minimal and easy to clean. Because nothing bad was happening that very second.

And that...being in the moment...is so very hard for me. I run on a cycle of “what’s next?” And “what if?” And I do not know how to stop. I do not know how to get my mind to stay in the moment and let worry happen when it was actually necessary.

I don’t know if I have ever been able to do that; be in the moment. As a child I was worrying and anticipating my mother’s moods and if she would speak to me that night, or if I would have to tip-toe even more carefully. Or I spent hours and hours waiting for a father who had made a promise and then never showed up. They taught me to worry. They kept me from living in the moment because I was always trying to anticipate what they would do. My anxiety was how I survived their parentage (relatively unscathed...sort of). It was the fight-or-flight upbringing that made me who I am right now.

And I want to learn how to turn that off.

But I don’t know how. So, I’ll just keep worrying about worrying, I guess, until it all becomes too much and I actually fall to pieces.

This is my new pantry space.... does anyone have any suggestions for making it fully functional and efficient? Previously, there was only one awkwardly placed shelf unit on the left. I’d love to hear suggestions! #herdingcatshere #moving #pantry #awkward #organization #help #needsuggestions #anyideas #blogger #iwanttobenormal #kitchen #shelving #maximize #efficient #room #space https://www.instagram.com/p/B3C0zZEl1TD/?igshid=1vm2lnfwzco6u

Pcos rant.

You know this Pcos bullshit is hurting me so much. I hate when I see post "you're only a women if you can give birth" what about women who are like me?! My ovaries hate me. So fucking much. I am in pain everyday more pain in other days than most. I hate Pcos but it has made me into the person I am today. The worst part being told at 14 you might not have children because how bad of Pcos you have. And if you don't know what this is please look it up. I don't feel like a girl or woman with this shit I just feel defected. I feel like I will never be loved for who I am or what I have. With Pcos came depression, anxiety, diabetes, and other shit. I HATE MYSELF I AM THE ONLY DAUGHTER OFTHAT MY PARENTS HAD AND I CANT DO ONE FUCKING THING GOT PREGNANT I THE FUTURE BECAUSE MY OVARIES ARE FUCKING SHIT. But I can love myself no mater what so what I can't do this or that whatever I will push through like I have with everything I have been through life. Life can be awesome or a shit show it is one or the other depending on how you look at it.

Fibromyalgia awareness day! A little poem to help me vent and get things off my chest. Only those who have fibromyalgia will know the daily struggle of trying to deal with the pain and be strong. Heres to hoping they can find a cure or at least help us to deal with the pain. The insomnia is brutal, I wish I didmt have this pain. Fuck fibro and its aching muscles. And its lethargy that no amount of early nights will cure, no matter how many times well-wishers suggest you try it, or aromatherapy or less caffeine or yoga. Fuck fibro and its dry mouth and its stomach problems, the bloating and, the headaches. Fuck fibro and its anxiety and depression, mood swings and brain fog. Fuck that fucking brain fog for making it harder to crochet when crocheting is what I love and keeps me going when the pain is excruciating and no amount of zapain will help. Fuck fibro and its hundreds of misunderstood symptoms and the lack of a cure or any sort of logic as to why it occurs. Fuck you fibro! #fuckfibro #fibromyalgiafighter #fibromyalgia #fibrowarrior #fibromum #fibromyalgiasucks #fibromyalgiawarrior #chronicfatiguesindrome #chronicpain #insomniac #anxiety #mentalhealth #deppression #insomnia #fibroawareness #may12 #fibroawarenessday #fibroawarenessmonth #fibromyalgiaawarenessday #fibromyalgiaawareness #tiredasamother #tiredofthisshit #iwanttobenormal (at Cheshire, England) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cdc4RF8uN-J/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Made an edit so yeah

Self-Destruction

It’s a shame that we must harm ourselves to feel joy. The rushing feeling of normalcy is enough to make us do it again and again, regardless of the regret and consequence that inevitably follows.

Why is it so hard for me to be normal even for a day?

That moment when you realize your social anxiety is getting worse 😥

Things that have been bugging me

- I met with the nutritionist and she asked me if I eat peanut butter and I was like yeah and she was like oh and I know peanut butter isn't the best for you and now I've been completely overstressing about peanut butter which sucks because my safe snack was a banana and peanut butter but now I don't even want to eat that so my list of foods I feel okay with is zero and I just want to quit eating again but I promised my therapist I would try but it's just so overwhelming and I feel like a baby.

- After I sought help and told my family the voice calmed some but now it's a big slap in the morning right when I wake up so I haven't had a good start to my day in over a month and it's so hard to drag myself out of bed when ED thoughts hit me like a semi truck.

- I've been having really awful, vivid dreams about purging and self harm. I haven't done either of those in a long time. The dreams are so intense and invasive and they seem so real, it's awful.

-Last night I had a dream and my granddad was in it. He's been gone for upcoming 3 years and I was so emotional all day and fought to binge but I lost and feel like a shitbag.

- My parents keep fighting and my mom told my brother she likes it when it's just them here. I know she didn't mean it to be mean, but it just seems that everything I hear I twist anymore.

- Putting myself together in the morning feels like a side effect of ED. I want to wear sweats or at least a sweatshirt but that's like the worst thing ever no one will like me because I already look like shit so you have to get dressed

- I don't have anymore compliments to combat the negative

- I caught up with one of my favorite people today and she doesn't know about ED and she asked me about college food and I'm still praying I hid my face well enough.

I'm awkwardly crying in my school bathroom....this is complete shit, like fuck really can I just go back to being normal?

Ugh

Going out for dinner and having a semi okay time but paying for it now with pain and bloating ._____.