reminder that making time for your friends, even when you're tried and socialising feels overwhelming is important to do every so often. it's especially important to do this actually.

time alone can be good, for a time, but humans are social creatures and we need to talk to people, there's nothing wrong with that!!

sometimes the more time you spend alone the more your brain will tell you to stay alone. that's not true, you're allowed to (and should!!) see people that are important to you. sometimes that alone can be surprisingly healing.

i know read more doesn't work on mobile anymore but whatever

...

i have completely zero attachment to the physical world lately and i know i "should" change this but im at a stage where I'm in so deep that i don't want to. I've utterly given up on trying to become employed or talk to my parents or interact with the outside world in any significant way. i haven't been talking with my irl/raver friends because i know I'm completely off their wavelength and have nothing to contribute since I'm no longer participating in the tangible world. i don't know how to and i don't want to, i guess, and the world doesn't seem to want (or miss) me either.

i could blame the pandemic but it was like this when i was working too, but had the added disadvantage of me being forced to interact with the world regardless, and how that compounded on my self-harm and self-neglect. i wasn't eating or sleeping so i could get to work on time, for instance.

i could blame wow and say it was an addiction but i think it's only a symptom of something larger. the only time i can recall being significantly invested in the real world is when i was in college and at the height of my raving "career"; i had genuine motivation to be part of a community that existed in the physical world, even if it was on the fringes. to me that's better than being completely sealed off in my room and prioritizing people and places that I'll never actually get to be with.

i have spent the majority of my life, even as an extremely young child, in a daydream world detached from reality, and i have no idea how I'll ever hunker down and make something of myself in the real world. i feel like i don't belong here and that there is nothing here for me, that i don't matter and I'm not missed or missing out on anything, and I'm too exhausted or unmotivated to try to find out how to fit into this planet, how to weave myself into the fabric of existence that everyone else seems to be part of.

the pandemic has made things worse for me by cutting off rave parties, as it was truly one of the only things that got me out of the house and wanting to occupy a physical space. and that's even when i had a job, i only lived for and aspired to get to go raving on the weekends and see my friends. the rest of the time i existed in a fog, and pretty much always have. ironically i spend so much time detached and daydreaming that i have no legitimate dreams or aspirations anymore.

i have never dreamed of a job or work. ive lost nearly all drive to be creative, especially when it comes to visual art. people assuage themselves for not feeling creative during 2020 despite all their new free time but i have felt this way for almost a decade and have been isolated for 3 years. i know i keep saying it but i feel like i have to drive that point home because it's not a 2020 problem, it's not something "everyone" is going through, it's something I've been struggling with for a long time and i feel like the shitty timing of everything has caused my therapist to view my struggles with this "global" lens. i have been in this exhausting detached permanent crisis/survival mode for over a decade. i can't pinpoint where it started or if it's innate or related to trauma since it happened when i was so young, but I'm less focused on that more than like

I'm an adult and i know i need to learn to become independent. everyone i relate to is mentally ill or dependent to some degree so i don't have any mentors or even examples of how to do that. nobody i know is moved out on their own except for one friend from high school who married a guy that works in the movie business, but she also started writing software in her early 20s so she's on a separate echelon altogether. anybody else either had their parents buy shit for them or is funded by means beyond their own paycheck.

i know i have to live in this world because i do. no matter where my mind is, it exists in a physical body that i have to shelter and nourish and maintain, despite how much i hate it. i am practically bedbound by "Ailments" and spend days existing in one corner of my bed in a corner of my bedroom, essentially my entire life whittled down to a 3x4 foot area of my twin sized bed slumped over a laptop. it's fucking up my neck and arms to not be sitting at a desk, let alone to be upright. my neurological problems from last winter keep cropping up and i don't know if that's due to spondylosis or anxiety and I'm not risking rona to have a doctor prod at me for a bit and then just shrug and tell me to drink water.

i want to get more exercise but it's been 100F every day and I'm scolded for going out at night existing as a woman. i have no destinations so i haven't driven my car in weeks. before that everything was on fire. exercising in my house is nearly impossible because of all the hoarded shit and the low ceiling. the one room with a high ceiling has no privacy.

i keep complaining about the same things because i have the same problems and zero solutions or even ideas. people just say "try new things" but there is nothing i am even curious about. i don't want things. i don't have wishes that can come true. i don't have aspirations. i don't have dreams. and even if i did i have nowhere to start and don't know how, or it's shit i can't do alone.

and let's face it: by my own design or not, I'm alone.

does she make you feel as good as i do? | r.t.

a/n: just a quick one parter (part 2 here) that i wrote while avoiding other responsibilities. i was listening to she by pale waves when writing this and it’s kinda based on that so listen along. yeah idk where this came from, guess i was just in a sad mood. sorry in advance. also i feel like this writing style(?) is kinda weird so let me know what you think.

words: 1.8k

warnings: swearing, depression, angst, mentions of smut

~

i looked blankly at myself in the mirror. i looked like shit, eyes darkened with endless sleepless nights, hair disheveled from not showering or brushing it. a large hoodie drowned out my body. this was my current state of living or at least it has been for the past few weeks.

a loud ringing cut me out of my fixation on myself. my legs were weak as they carried me towards the phone.

“hello?” my voice was rough from not actually speaking for days.

a familiar voice was on the other side. “y/n? god are you okay?!” a concerned john was on the line.

“yeah i-“

“where have you been? i’ve not seen you in weeks!” he was becoming more concerned the more he thought about how long it had actually been since anyone had see me. john was my brother, older by about 2 years but we have always been close.

“i’ve just been busy with...stuff?” it sounded more like a question than i meant. i twirled the phone cord round my finger nervously.

he sighed loudly. he probably knew what was happening, he knew the tendencies i had of isolating myself for weeks on end. “i’m coming over.”

before i had time to protest the phone line went dead. i looked around my small apartment. it was an image of depression. the sofa was covered in blankets which i would cocoon myself in while watching endless hours of tv. glasses covered the small table in front of the sofa. dirty clothes were strayed across the floor from when i changed my clothes. i sighed, there was no point trying to hide this from john, and quite frankly i was too weak to try and clean it before he arrived. instead, i wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and slumped onto the sofa until the doorbell rang. i jumped slightly, mostly because the lack of sleep made me more jumpy than usual.

i pulled the heavy door open and instantly avoided eye contact. john on the other hand looked intently at my frail image. his hand reached out to touch my shoulder softly. “y/n?” his voice broke slightly as he spoke.

“come in.” was all i could say without bursting into tears. he walked inside the dark apartment and he fought back tears himself. when he looked at his sister she looked visible wrecked. something bad must have happened. he instantly pulled me into a hug, wrapping his arms around me and gently rubbing my back, i hugged him back. god, i had missed him.

“what happened?” he questioned as we sat on the sofa together, concern was written all across his face.

i had never told john about my... relations with his band mate roger. it’s not that i didn’t want to tell him it just all happened so quick.

it had been a friday night, i was in a bar on the corner of a street i don’t remember. i was alone, my friends were all bores and never went out, so i made the fateful decision to go out myself. a young girl in a bar alone was bound to get some male attention, whether wanted or not. i didn’t expect it to be from a familiar face though. roger had been wearing a white button up with the top buttons undone as usual. classic roger right?

“y/n?” his voice was surprised but obviously slurred from one too many drinks. i tucked my hair behind my ear nervously. like every other girl in the uk, i may have had a tiny crush on roger. despite what you may think, just because i was john’s sister didn’t mean i saw the band more. they weren’t really my friends, they were all a few years older and had left college while i was still there. i saw them occasionally if john rang me asking to bring him some papers he had left at home or if i was supporting john at their gigs or if i went round to johns and they all happened to be there. but me and roger had never really had a conversation that entailed more than just casual small talk.

“yeah?” i tried to be as confident as i could with the little amount of alcohol in my system.

“imagine meeting you here!” he took the barstool next to me.

“hmmm it’s a bar?” i had no clue where this conversation was heading, except a dead end.

“what are you doing here?!” he looked genuinely interested in such a mundane topic.

i raised my drink and smiled. “the same reason everyone else is. to get shitfaced!” i laughed lightly. he chuckled too.

“now that is something i am good at!”

i was confused as to why he was being so friendly to me. surely i was just deaky’s silly little sister to him and all the other boys. i’m just that girl who brings deaky’s papers to him with a coffee and a donut.

one thing lead to another that night, we kept drinking and chatting until the bartender kicked us out on the cold london streets at some ungodly hour in the morning. my apartment was on the outskirts of town and taxi runs had stopped hours ago. as if fate was trying to get us together my naive mind thought. ever the gentleman, roger offered for me to stay at his. “can’t leave deaky’s sister in the freezing streets at 4am, can i now?” he joked lighting a cigarette.

his apartment was a short walk away, he had offered me his jacket and it was draped over my shoulders to keep me warm. he continued his conversation about some new car he had bought and despite knowing nothing about cars, i was still somehow captivated.

entering his apartment made my throat tighten and my stomach instantly filled with butterflies. i slipped his jacket off and handed it to him meekly. i felt an intense awkwardness, as if he didn’t know how to act when bringing a girl home who he no intentions of shagging. should i kiss him? is that why he brought me here? questions flew around in my mind and i was trapped in my thoughts.

“y/n?” his voice was loud and it snapped me out my thoughts. he smiled at me. god he was fucking hot.

i tried to speak, i swear i did. maybe the alcohol had really gotten to my head. i don’t remember how it happened. i just remember his lips on mine, kissing me with such passion and desire. against the wall. he picked me up, taking me into the kitchen. i was on the table and his hands were all over my body like fire. kissing my neck, i swear i couldn’t think.

the memory was so vivid, i could still feel his hands on my body, everywhere.

i scratched the back on my head, snapping out off my inappropriate vision whilst being in the room with my brother. “i don’t know” i answered his question after the long time in my thoughts. my voice broke as i spoke. john just pulled me into a hug again as i cried quietly. i knew he would get mad as soon as i told him it was roger.

the next morning after staying at roger’s, i awoke in a panic, grabbing my things quickly and quietly, being sure not to wake him. i left. i regretted it instantly because i knew that i was just another shag to him.

but it wasn’t, he started coming round to my apartment. at first it was to apologise, it ended with him in my bed. the visits became more frequent, he would come up with random yet adorable excuses to see me. it evolved into a few dates and more sex.

but that came crashing down two weeks ago. queen were playing a gig at a bar as usual, i went along to support john firstly, of course, but now i was there for roger too. the thing between us had only been going on for about two months and we were nothing official, we never would be. they performed brilliantly as usual. i stayed at the table i was saving for everyone when they finished. their set ended, they bowed, i cheered louder than ever. i was met by john first, he ran up to the table and hugged me tightly, then brian and freddie came over, roger was missing.

“how were we love?” freddie’s voice was filled with happiness but my chest hurt and my mind began filling with thoughts of roger’s absence.

“brilliant as usual boys!” i faked happiness. “where’s roger?” i tried not to sound to desperate or obvious.

brian laughed slightly, “probably entertaining that blonde hanging around backstage. i’d give him 10 minutes love. you don’t want to see more of him than you should.” him and the other boys laughed in agreement. obviously they didn’t know that me and roger had something going on. my chest felt like someone punched right through it.

“i’m going to the toilet” i mumbled. i all but sprinted to the toilet, i pushed the door open. i could feel a panic attack started, the walls felt like they were closing in, i could hear my heart beat loudly in my ears and i was having trouble breathing. it felt like everything stopped when i saw him. standing in the middle of the bathroom between a blonde girls legs. my heart stopped, the shock on my face was very visible.

“y/n!” he called but i turned on my heels and ran.

since that night i hadn’t spoke to roger, i didn’t want to hear what he had to say. that we weren’t official so it wasnt cheating. i didn’t want to see him again. that was two weeks ago, since then ive locked myself away from everyone.

i tried to explain it to john, i left out certain details about sex but i got the point across. his softness and caring side fizzled away quickly and was replaced with anger.

“i’ll kill him” he muttered through clenched teeth.

“john, please. there’s no need for that. it’s best just to act like nothing happened.” i tried to stop the tears as i pleaded with him.

“he fucking hurt you and didn’t even check if you were okay.” johns voice was breaking again.

“it’ll be okay. john please, we’re both adults and we can deal with this ourselves.” i tried pleading with him again.

he sighed in defeat. “fine, but i’m not leaving you until you’ve showered and eaten. come on.”

john cared for me, making me feel a bit better. having told someone about all the emotions which had been trapped inside me for the past weeks made me feel the most emotionally relieved. i wasn’t hiding anything anymore but my chest still ached, for i knew that one day i’d have to look roger taylor in the eyes again.

tag list: @writingfortoomanyfandoms @xgoingdownx

toffee!

ah yeah i suppose ur right. yeah i think quarentine has had that sort of effect on a lot of people :( sorry to hear abt ur strict parents, hopefully ur friend will be able to come back soon. small outings (even with family) are still good tho, make sure ur taking care of urself toff.

youre totally right! ah yes thats good advice (/gen) ill try and use that when im in a slump ty. any music suggestions?

lol sames. even some of the stuff abt seungmin, innie etc is a little uncomfortable, like theyre grown ass men for sure, but at the same time, theyre still young, still just over being a teenager in the grand scheme of things. (on that note, i do struggle with worrying that im infantalising them, obviously theyre adults but at the same time, theyre still young. i do treat all fictional characters as my children, but i guess its different when its real people. idk. what do you think?) yeah some stans rlly need to take a chill pill, some are rlly walking the wire between 'ah theyre attractive/that look rlly suits them' and making fucking smut fics abt minors, like... they do not see a problem with that?? yeah tbh i feel like unless theyre 18 they shouldnt be put into the spotlight, weve seen what it does to peoples mental health, but modern day kpop industry is a lot like old hollywood with a lot of popular child actors -_- hopefully the big companies will learn but i agree, its unlikely

suuuuure toff haha. ill go searching for them, but idk if ill be able to find the fluff needle in the angst haystack (jkjk) yeah, fair i groan and complain but you do write angst etc rlly well, so if its what ur comfortable with, then pls continue, it is one of your strong suits, well as you write fluff aside

ah okay good! ill continue to send you essays then

THE ALBUM YES. so ive been looking forward to it for literally months, this is actually my first skz album release as a stay (since the last on was 9 months ago) i was sitting there hitting refresh on my spotify the second 6pm kst came around. (speaking of which, how did you do the release? i couldnt decide whether to watch or listen first but i ended up on listening cos there would be more material) okay: so cheese was super cool, very skz ya know? tho i almost wish theyd made domino the title track, tho obv it was a more experimental track and would have been a bit controversial (much like whistle for bp) i looooved domino and thunderous was absolutely impeccable. all the songs were amazing but standouts were- secrets, secrets which lowkey made me tear up idk why, red lights which almost killed me (it did not have to go that hard, but it did) and OT8 WOLFGANG omgggg i wasnt sure if hyunjin was going to be included in it but i was hoping and, ya know people had said hed be in there, but the further i got in, the less i was sure and then BAM hyunjin started what had been jisung's part and i just sat there grinning for about 5 minutes. surfin was absolutely adorable and gone away almost made me cry AGAIN. star lost was so touching, almost a nod to hyunjins little star? silent cry was relatable beyond anything. SSICK was funny? for some reason I was laughing while it was playing, idk the combination of added cheering and minhos aggressiveness and the totall seriousness they sung it. but i rlly enjoyed it. sorry i love you showcased their vocals like nothing else. the view is THE BOP of 2021, absolutely going to be stuck in my head for the next decade, that hook is genius. what did you think?

also did you watch their grow up performance? with all the stays and ALL THE TEARS? ;n; i feel like this is the end of an era of skz and tbh im kinda happy but also sad. super excited for their promotions but super bummed they wont get to tour. ah well

<3 w.a. 🐺

answer under the cut bc i gave an equally long answer to this already long ask HAJSH

oh yeah, abt quarantine having an effect. my friend and i talked about this earlier actually. i didn't realize the world was moving so fast until the pandemic happened. being in quarantine gave me time to think and i got to know myself more. it's just the sole good thing i got out of the isolation lmao. and abt my strict parents, ironically i got to go out today so i got to hang out with a few of my bestfriends. i had fun but my legs are a bit sore from walking. but they're a different set of friends. i'll get to hang out with the others when my getaway driver comes home in december.

hmm music recommendations for writing? depends on the plot you're writing. care to share what story you're working on and i'll try to rake my brain for a song that might match the vibe. i listen to classical / lo-fi if i don't have song inspo for a fic because lyrics sometimes distract me.

i don't think that's infantilizing tho. for me, it has something to do with my environment and the way i was raised. maybe it's the same the other way around? like this certain age (for the ones above 18 but below 20) is thirst-able for them. idk really. it's just not for me ?n? what i do NOT condone is writing smut for minors??? like get checked : D // i agree with everything with the idols being 18+ before they debut simply because it's for the best for their well-being like. how can young idols decide that this shit is the thing they want to do for life? or at least until their contracts last. idk :// it's unfortunate that it's unlikely to happen.

WELL. i have a list so you won't have to go search for them! in class (minho), in the rain (seungmin), gladius maximus (chan) and you've read five star already. and i just realized that most, if not all, of my upcoming fics are fluffs and i'm fond of all of them :D i used to focus a lot on angst because fluff disgusted the living shit out of me. i think things changed when i wrote champagne problems and hurt myself so bad i wanted to drop angst entirely. i didn't, of course, but i allowed myself to be self-indulgent now.

for the release of the album, i was on twt and watched the vid at 12 views (if i remember correctly, i watched back door at 14 so HASJH) i’m gonna talk by track so it wont be too confusing? bc i wrote this in paragraph format and it just ???? beware im very picky with tracks even if they’re my ults. so no offense if we have opposing opinions and i’m not fond of reading lyrics so these are all music wise.

cheese - oh god i hated cheese at first listen but it grew on me easily. i was singing the yeahyeahyeahyeah bit all day today :D

thunderous - i cant say that it’s my favorite title track. it felt really dry sometimes, both mv and music wise. but at the same time, it’s not that bad. the choreography carried the song tho o.O it’s so fucking cool. but like go live, another track has my heart and it’s

domino - AND YES I AGREE THAT THEY SHOULDVE MADE DOMINO TITLE TRACK UGHHHHH WHAT A WASTED FUCKING OPPORTUNITY. WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW FOND I AM OF THIS SONG. it stands close to the level i love easy.

ssick - was a skip on first listen too because i found the chorus underwhelming but it grew on me? not that much but i can bear listening to it.

the view - it’s something the gen public like, hence its something i dislike. im not fond of songs that are structured like this? it’s not a bad song, just not the type of song i like. but i agree that the hook is very not catchy but it would get stuck in ur head.

sorry, i love you - it’s not as sad as i expected but i actually like it??? i can’t wait to write a fic out of it (1) HAJSHAJ it’s like a 3/5 for me. it’s angsty but chill?

silent cry - i’m pissed at this song bc it hits but sometimes it doesn’t?@?#!? but it’s starting to grow on me but definitely not my fave track.

secret secret - glad i found a secret secret enthusiast because my irls thought it was a skip?$?#@$? it gives me ikon vibes and i’m a huge fan of ikon’s discog so this was a win for me T_T +

STAR LOST - gives me bigbang song vibes and now im very sad :(( in case u didnt know, i’m a hUGE yg fan and 2ne1/bigbang introduced me to kpop so when i heard this track that gave me yg feels i just <3___<3 and it’s one of my favorite tracks anw moving on,

red lights - I WANT TO SKIP THE FIRST TEN SECONDS OF RED LIGHTS EVERY TIME IT PLAYS LIKE IT MAKES ME FEEL AWKWARD KDSJFSK but fine. i’m adding this to props and mayhem’s playlist LMAO it’s more aggressive than sexc tho. more enemies to lovers o. O

surfin’ - this coming right after red lights just wasn’t the best decision arrangement wise because how did we go from ooh sexc to aigh pARTAY. felix saying sheesh T___T it’s such a fun song i want to go to the beach ;n; do you like beaches?

gone away - i have yet to read the lyrics because i’m using this as inspo for a jeongin fic jskjash it’s not the type of ballad i like but it’s so fucking sad to listen to :’ ) the pitch change caught me off guard? still does. it’ll grow on me prolly.

wolfgang - I YELLED WHEN I HEARD HYUNJIN IN WOLFGANG. i didn’t like this song until recently. it gives me the confidence boost i need to pick myself off self-esteem crashes.

and no i haven't watched that performance and i prolly wont because i’ll cry. i’m excited for the promotions too. do you think they’ll still have a repackage?? i cant fucking believe that i just finished waiting for 12am kst for skz teasers and now i have to look forward to 12am for nct 127??@?#? NOT A SINGLE DAY OF REST FOR THIS STAYZEN

Journal of Sivart Samoth the Immortal Hammer Colony Assessment Tour Day 038 We are 2 days out from the Alpha Sierra colony & i am still haunted by the smell of Ifri. I pleaded w/ her to join us back in continuum city ( i even offered her a good position in the immortal army ), but she was far too engrossed in her royal guard training to even give the prospect any real consideration. The king is his normal oblivious self today ( literally whistling while walking ) while i am torn inside. It is getting late & we are unsure where to make camp. I suggest that we ascend into the olympian mountain range, but the king ( always the overachiever ) said he heard news of a small rogue colony in a nearby bayou named boogi & wanted to go break bread w/ the inhabitants. It is a slightly longer trek & considerably more unpredictable, but i acquiesce to my liege. As the sun set we came upon the edge of the forest line where we found a surprisingly well maintained trail penetrating the thick vegetation. As we traveled down the path the surrounding flora gained an eerie quality that made me increasingly more uneasy as we proceeded, the king seemed unaffected. At the end of the path we found a town that was quite a bit larger than what we had been expecting ( there were probably at least 20+ structures radiating from a central water source ). Just as i began stating that I had a bad feeling about this place we were greeted by a man who gruffly introduced himself as CHIEF! He explained that him & a couple of the other founders of the town had been somewhat ostracized back in olympia & felt a pull to explore further lands, in time they set out on their own & were eventually all drawn to boogi. When CHIEF learned of the kings stature, he was eager to have him survey their land. Being an outlaw, I felt he might have reason to fear us, but he seemed quite interested in becoming part of the continuum kingdom. After the 2 finished talking CHIEF rustled us up a place to stay for the night & we parted ways. Colony Assessment Tour Day 039 A lot has transpired since yesterday. It all started last night after we turned in. The king easily slipped into slumber once inside our temporary lodgings, but i stirred. The bayou was terribly hot & i could not shake thoughts of ifri from my mindspace, so i decided to go out for a walk around the bayou. The scene appeared serene, but an odd presence hung in the thick air. I walked the perimeter of the water taking in the ramshackle houses cast in the shadows of the night. The little moonlight that escaped through the branches that covered almost the entirety of the towns ceiling crept across the ground in unusual ways that seemed impossible within the rules of our world.

After i had almost completed my loop around the jagged circlet of water i saw a faint glow coming from a nearby dock. I slowed my pace & crept quietly to obtain a closer look. I ducked behind a nearby brush patch & peeped a bizarre scene through the reeds. It was CHIEF struggling w/ a peculiar large headed young man. The glow appeared to be emanating from the young man ( most notably his eyes ) which seemed to project light like miniature spotlights. The young man was bound & gagged, he was struggling & noticeably petrified. His fear intensified as CHIEF began dragging him towards the water. Believing that this poor boys life was in danger i rushed out to intercede, but when i attempted to tackle CHIEF i passed through him like he was a specter, leaving me to watch helplessly as he flung the boy into the water, the glowing body sinking helplessly to the bottom until there was only a faint glow deep in the water. Horrified i turned to run & alert the town, but when i did, the glowing eyed young man was now standing face to face w/ me. His eyes were mesmerizing... The next thing i knew i was back in my bed. The kings bed was already made, but his pack was now sitting on top of it. I quickly dressed & began searching for him. I followed the smell of cooking food to a building w/ a small dining hall in it, I spotted the king breaking his fast w/ CHIEF & some of the other founders. I rushed up to him & murmured something about classified kingdom business & whisked him away. Once outside I blurted out all the things I had witnessed last night. A lot of people would have been skeptical of my tale, but the king & I had a trust that I’ve never experienced w/ any other being on this planet. He instantly recognized the strange predicament we were in, we knew no one in this town except our potential murderer & something very sinister was transpiring. Being honorable men of the highest order we could not turn a blind eye.

The king went back inside in an attempt to not arouse suspicion ( & to finish his food ), I began doing recon around town. I silently watched the townsfolk for the remainder of the day. Most of them seemed normal as could be, but eventually one girl stood out to me, she did not seem to be talking to the rest of the group, she also seemed to be the only person in the village that did not appear content. In one of her isolated moments I snuck up & pulled her aside. As soon as I looked into her eyes I knew this was the person I was looking for. Her eyes were mesmerizing... I reconvened w/ the king later that day & explained that the girl was the sister of the young drowning man & his name was lantern. A couple months ago he began confiding in her that the founders were not who they appeared to be. He became more & more paranoid until one day he just vanished. Everyone just assumed he ran away because he never fit in, but his sister knew he would never just leave her like that. Later that night after everyone had gone to bed the king & I crept through the town to CHIEFs abode. We peeked through his window to behold a strange scene, CHIEF was standing behind a small podium leading a chant w/ the other founders sitting in a circle surrounding a fire. The flame leapt around like it was being manipulated by great winds even though it was inside an enclosed space. I was mesmerized by the shadows dancing across the walls until I saw a pair of ominous eyes open on the opposite wall from the group. The shadow slowly started to take physical shape as a creature pulled itself from some distant realm. An overwhelming terror came over me but the king turned to me & said Ive seen enough then walked to the front door & opened it before I had any chance to dissuade him.

The shadows spilled out of the small cabin like someone released a flood gate. Once outside the shadow creature was 2x times its original size, but the king stood steadfast. I ran towards it & swung my war-hammer at the creatures head, but just like w/ the apparitions on the dock it was completely unfazed. The creature immediately spawned a multitude of dark tendrils that wrapped around me & I felt all willpower instantly drain out of me as I slumped to the ground. The creature turned back towards the king who silently unsheathed his weapon & released the blade. The silky smooth form of the creature bristled at the light emanating from the quantum sword. More tendrils appeared from the innards of the creature & they went straight for the king. He effortlessly swung his sword severing all the tips of the tentacles as he moved towards the demon. Once close enough he sunk his blade into the living shadow & it let forth a sound like air screaming, then dissipated into smoke. As soon as the creature was gone I was released & fell into a deep slumber. Colony Assessment Tour Day 041 I awoke in my bed to see my kings bed made w/ his pack on top again. Still exhausted I dragged myself to the dining hall & found him there once again eating w/ the founders, I sat down to join them. As we ate the king explained that a shadow spirit had taken over CHIEFs body back in olympia & that it had used its power to lure all these people to boogi. It turned out that lantern had a sort of spectral vision that allowed him to see the shadow spirit inside the townsfolk & when the spirit realized this, it killed lantern to keep him quiet. As he concluded his tale, laterns sister walked in & asked if we could go for a walk. She thanked me for all that we had done, I explained that the king had actually done most of the heavy lifting, but she was adamant that her brother had chosen me to help & if I hadnt found her they would have never cracked the case. She told me there was nothing left for her in boogi & asked if she could join us on our trip back to continuum city, I regretfully informed her that we weren’t going home yet, the king had more colonies to see & I must accompany him. She seemed disappointed, but she took my directions & said she would go anyways & that hopefully one day we would meet again. I told her I would hope for the same thing.

I Can Feel It ( bb ) contains samples from In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins from the album Face Value & Bayou Boogie by David Wise from The Donkey Kong Country soundtrack which also samples In the Air Tonight.

This is part of the 7 dmnsns mixtape available on:

BANDCAMP

DATPIFF

SPINRILLA

Life on the American flow: Mark Twain romance, or false hope for the homeless?

Hundreds without housing in California have constructed their home on the shady banks of the American river. But the bucolic vistum belies a darker reality

Richard Dean heaved his bike and trailer across the bridge, away from the city, and followed a soil track through scouring until reaching a patch of shaded riverbank.

It was approaching 100 F( 37 C) but Dean, sweating and panting, was upbeat. This is a good workout. And we have the best air-conditioning in the world. Its called the American river.

The wiry 50 -year-old unleashed his dog, Shunka, extracted a foldable chair from the cart and settled in for a serene afternoon under pecan and dogwood trees. He wasnt “re going away”. He was home.

Dean, who goes by the nickname Syphy, is part of a largely invisible homeless person camped by the reeds and thickets stringing the American river just outside Sacramento, Californias capital. They come for the seclusion and opportunity to live on their own terms.

Rory Carroll (@ rorycarroll7 2) June 30, 2016

Trekking Sacramento’s American river session #homeless campers. It’s another world. Scenic, serene, hopeless. pic.twitter.com/ S50DY8jq5e

They are not the first. Nisenan Indians terminated here 5,000 years ago. Itinerant miners built shanties during the 1840 s gold rush, must be accompanied by pedigrees dislodged during the Great Depression. Now it is the turn of hundreds of modern outcasts with domesticateds, bicycles, tents and tarpaulin.

Its so nice out here. I dont consider myself homeless, I merely live outside, replied Julie Pacheco, 48, accommodated in a bramble spot. I dont take any[ government] succor. Id rather be a camping gypsy, she said.

Pacheco had switched her little clear, concealed from the river by blackberry undergrowths and almond trees, into a dwelling with two tents, a burn quarry, a chair, a flowerpot and a load of publications and volumes, including Shirley MacLaine romances and a Ronald Reagan biography. She shared it with Annie, a terrier-chihuahua.

Ive got some Angus steaks marinating, responded Pacheco. Ill cook them tonight with mesquite to give them a barbecue taste.

Rory Carroll (@ rorycarroll7 2) June 30, 2016

Julie Pacheco marinading frozen steaks taken away from garbage. ‘With some mesquite for a bbq taste.’ #homeless pic.twitter.com/ stKUlso7bF

They seem to be obscuring

These clandestine denizens appear to occupy a comparatively benign area of the US homelessness crisis: a bucolic landscape with owls and beavers and a flow where they can bathe, fish and live often like Huckleberry Finn. Some do chilling in the water, fastening trout, exploring waterways with canoes.

Appearances deceive. Look closer and any sense of nostalgic idyll dissolves. The same pressures driving homelessness from New York to Los Angeles poverty, mental illness, craving waft through the reeds and oleander. The flow is no refuge. Its a trap.

Those who call it dwelling can invest months, times, even decades in a netherworld a little bit closer to Trainspotting than Mark Twain.

Many abuse drugs, especially methamphetamine nicknamed crank, transforming them into toothless, hollow-cheeked vagabonds with nervous systems so fried they perpetually twitch, earning the nickname tweakers. They survive not through wilderness resourcefulness but private charity, food stamps and welfare checks which land around the start of each month, expressed in the term the eagle shits on the first.

It pops you in the look, articulated Joan Burke, advocacy chairman for Loaves& Fishes, a non-profit which feeds hundreds daily in Sacramento. We have people living in third-world ailments with no access to potable water or sanitation. Its grisly to realise them living in squalor when they truly cant take care of themselves.

Newcomers have swollen the population from dozens to hundreds in recent years, making some old-timers to move further upriver to escape fear of violence, added Jeff Harris, a city council member.

Anthony Bennett, a common ranger sergeant who heads a seven-strong crew in the American River Parkway, a 23 -mile environmental ornament, has spent a decade rousting and counseling the homeless. Its a bit lamentable and hopeless. They seem to be disguising away from society. Its not safe, its not legal and its not healthy. We do what we can to push people towards services and assistant. But we cant coerce them to take it.

Bennett alleged rangers strive to keep the parkway clean and safe without persecuting the homeless, who injury the ballpark with litter, grove mow and burns. Were not a swat squad or the Gestapo. We consider these beings as human beings.

Who lives here

When the Guardian accompanied Bennett on a recent patrol he trekked down restricted dirt directions silent save for fowls and the rivers swirl. Bent grass and snarled limbs betrayed entries to otherwise obscured camps, most containing just one or two tents.

Brandon Jack, 47, and Jennifer Goggin, 44, lived with their puppy, Miss Brodie, beneath a canopy of wild grapes. Jack, barefoot and shirtless, said he was an electrician descended on hard times. Homeless shelters were not policy options, he enunciated. You get 30 guys in a room blow snot everywhere. Its a disease factory.

So for a year he had lived by the river, exploiting it bathe, wash foods and build a new life with his partner.

Rory Carroll (@ rorycarroll7 2) June 30, 2016

Brandon Jack camps under wild grapes. ‘I want to be out of the channel. Out of sight out of mind.’ #homeless pic.twitter.com/ qkZPo3lVIE

Bennett returned the couple 48 hours to move and urged them to contact Sacramento Steps Forward, a non-profit which works with the city to offer shelter and services to the homeless.

Jack gestured but did not seem reassured. Wed rather be out of the path. Out of view, out of brain.

Further down the river another duet bore the devastations of decades in the wilderness. James Donaldson was weather-beaten with an unkempt beard of an Old Testament prophet. His wife Paula Richardson, 53, slumped in a chair, coughed, coughed and cursed at dogs who roared from behind a tarpaulin sheet.

Through slurred speech Donaldson talked up the merit of flow life. Beautiful vegetation. It presents a lot of oxygen. He claimed to be an ex-LAPD patrolman who had California head Jerry Browns personal authorization to live here. Scrap and accumulations of filthy clothes bespoke a mis fight against grunge and disease.

A handful appear to thrive. An old-timer nicknamed Runner Mike, so-called because he runs through the wilderness, improves skillfully camouflaged shelters with air-vents, isolation, passageways and spider-holes. Hes quite proud of what he builds, said Bennett. Another occupant, nicknamed Monkey, seeks maximum solitude by occupying islands.

Some band together and form tight-knit hamlets, sharing meat, cigarettes and a feeling of supremacy over those who live on Sacramentos streets, precisely a few miles across the bridge. I dont really like addressing the riff-raff up there, mentioned Tina Schifflett, 43, a former Cinnabon manager who shares a spot of riverbank with several others.

Ryan Loofbourrow, the executive director of Sacramento Steps Forward, said river-dwellers tended to be more rugged and coordinated than city homeless. They want privacy and are now able to carve out a bit of infinite for themselves. But impediments left many struggling, he lent.

Most river-dwellers interviewed for this story spoke of loneliness, affliction and the specter of addiction. They stayed throw, “theyre saying”, for want of available low-income apartments and because moving to a shelter would symbolize giving up pets.

Its peaceful, sure, responded Craig Sanderson, 53, camped under an oak tree with Spike, a pitbull mastiff. He reads thrillers in his boxer shorts between scavenging bottles and cans with a bicycle and go-cart. But the grunge gets to you.

Rory Carroll (@ rorycarroll7 2) June 30, 2016

Craig Sanderson lived under an oak tree with Spike. ‘This is my house. It’s quiet. Downside? The dirt.’ #homeless pic.twitter.com/ 0ZdmzVznII

Pacheco, the woman living under brambles, was proud of her they are able to pasture and lives alone. But separation had unmoored her. Despite no academic background she spoke of drafting existing laws and find a Guggenheim fellowship. She wanted a laptop for investigate but abjured a telephone. Ive no one to call.

Syphy, who heralded the rivers air-conditioning prowess, told you he find close to nature and joked that the parkways maintenance crews were his maids. But even he felt it was a incorrect sanctuary.

If you think this is Huck Finn romance, good luck stepping out of a barge and not stepping on a fucking needle. Croak to a tweaker clique and youll discover the most difficult mess youve ever seen. They plagiarize and go into your stuff. I dont trust parties out here.

Rory Carroll (@ rorycarroll7 2) June 30, 2016

Richard Dean aka Syphy. ‘Best air conditioning – the American river. But starting to suck being out of me.’ #homeless pic.twitter.com/ XDMWXs4zKp

A former meths junkie himself, Syphy had been sober three years he ascribed enjoy for his hound but horror a recurrence. He dreamed of moving to Alaska before it was too late. This target is truly are now beginning to suck the spirit out of me.

Read more: www.theguardian.com

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