#its too bad i dont really have dreams | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

naes-dairy · 1 year

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I really want to give up

I really wish the body didn't try so hard

Just make an exception for me, please

I'm seriously so tired, I'm not even doing any work

I always crumble apart when I'm on my own

Nobody is there to see me or hear me

I'm so tired of it all

I though the dead of night was my safe haven

The time where I could freely be me to do whatever I want

But now it's a nightmare

I long to see it, yet dread the tears

It's painful

Of all it, I just want to sleep forever

I don't even remember my dreams

It's like life is a nightmare and we all have to out up with it

Some survive, others dint

I don't want to

I want to give up.

Just let me give up, please

I'm so tired.

Please.

I don't even know what else to say

I can compare my sufferings to all the other people in the world and berate myself

But pain is still pain, and it hurts nonetheless.

I wish it didnt

But being immune to pain doesn't cure the sickness.

Man. I know I was never suicidal, but...

I really wonder how many times I've lied to people about my feelings

Nobody knows.

Nobody will figure it out.

I can only leave the faintest clues for people, and even then my facade will trick them

I wish death would just take me

I don't want to suffer anymore, even if I'm the one who's causing it

Because I can't even fix what I've started

And that's the worst kind of trouble

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feline-evil · 3 months

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Never gonna be over how unutterably pathetic and in dire need of ANY kind of companionship or friendship that doesn't revolve around their band the entirety of dethklok are. I love these horrible idiots who are so devoid of any real connections outside of themselves that they will latch onto anyone unfortunate enough to get too close to any one of them! And GOD help anyone they latch onto!!

#jay talkin #metalocalypse #im thinking about the doubles episode where they just seem genuinely happy to have 'friends'#who arent like. industry people. these men are so starved of any kind of connection #and it takes them four seasons a rock opera and a movie to realise they can find that in each other lmao #also thinking about how quickly any of them bond and become really intense abt anyone in their life #aka: NATHAN TOWARDS ABIGAIL. oh dear poor abigail oh dear #but also toki to damn near anyone and this goes for the entire band tbh as well they all do this at least once #and yeah its mainly cuz 10min eps mean u gotta progress stuff fast #but also holy shit. charles these boys want friends so bad u gotta set em up on playdates or smth #maybe it'd get some of their dumb stupid idiot energy out and they'd be better behaved. well. no they wldnt but... u can dream #i do think theres smth to be said that yeah all of dethklok are cool theyre metal superstars they r good at what they do #theyre also fucking prophesised saviours too and theyre also incredibly dangerous idiots and terrible ppl #but never forget that they are also. so so SO pathetic and isolated and dysfunctional #these men have not lived in the real world in decades and are disconnected and unsocial and spoilt and u can see that this does impact #the way they interact w the world! they need like. anything other than the band in their lives hah. they do need to pal around #im glad they find that in each other eventually!!#i dont want 2 sound like im babying them or infantilising them these r grown asshole idiot men but like. listen these shitheards r lonelyyy #everyone in their lives is like. assigned to be there and is set as beneath them in a class and workbased system #they dont rlly have ppl who r just there cuz they like em. outside of fans. and fans arent rlly a real connection yknow #their only connections come via work networking sex and violence and worship baby!!!! its fucked up!

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maudiemoods · 9 months

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Ok not cool why am I hearing voices

#i need to go to the doctor 🧍🏼‍♂️#somethings wrong because usually they're not this clear #its weird and i dont like it #they sound like people i know and its too much right now #little vent sorry but i think im actually struggling #im so confused #aurhhg #ren won't shut up #mental illness #idk sometimes they get really clear and it freaks me out #other times it sounds like a bunch of voices talking over each other and it drives me crazy #most of the time when they're clear they just have very boring conversations #wow i didn't realize how much this was affecting me huh #most of the time its right as im trying to fall asleep. i can't tell if its just my dreams?? idk #but sometimes ill hear very loud words that are super clear #aa its scary sometimes grrr but normally it doesn't mess me up #but i heard a loved one say “help me” and now im freaking out aaaaurgggg #gonna text them because i also have paranoia really bad #tw mental illness #idk just in case i guess #im fine just a little spooked jdkxjsjxj #anyways sorry for the vent/ramble i just really needed to type it all out #might delete later idk

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jakejeffreyperalta · 9 months

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girls will literally be happy until their brain randomly convinces them that all their friends hate them because someone's text was a little TOO serious sounding which means they find you ugly and stupid and hate you with a burning passion

#how i love being a person who thinks all the time and has nothing to think except for thoughts #also there is literal crack in gracie abrams's voice wtf #i know you're a fault line. but i'll break too.#I SEE YOU EVERY NIGHT IN MY SLEEP ANTICIPATING EVERY BAD DREAM LIKE FALLING WITH A KNIFE YOU CUT DEEP YOU CUT DEEEEP #anyway i literally hate myself a lot right now and i think im so ugly and stupid and nobody really likes me #and my problems are generally smaller than other peoples'#like idk #its invalidating when you're complaining about something and someone's like 'well at least you dont...' or if im complaining about school #and someone's like at least you dont have ____ subject #like. ok. remind me never to say anything to you ever #its also so invalidating when you're trying to explain to someone how you are and they're like 'but you're literally happy'#i just end up feeling so stupid and idiotic #maybe because i am but. you know. like how do you even reply to someone saying that to you

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caffeinatedopossum · 5 months

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I'm still grieving the dreams I lost due to my disability and I just added another one

#ones id already lost: wanting to hold any job at all. wanting to be a doctor. wanting to be a gymnast. wanting to play bass #wanting to be a therapist (maybe still possible? this is due to my inability to hold any job but im still hopeful i may be able to do this)#i wanted to go to school... i can still learn things of course but its harder and there's no community #i wanted to learn everything. everything about plants and animals and quantum mechanics and languages #everything about history and culture and sciences. but i can't. i mean that was never a realistic goal of course #but I cant get as close to it now as i wouldve if i was healthy #the one i recently added is discovering my fingers have deteriorated so much that playing keyboard is nearly impossible #thats been a lifelong dream of mine... even drawing hurts unless i draw with my finger. i cant hold a pencil without pain #like im figuring things out. working through accommodations and making new goals #but that grief is still there and the wound is still fresh and sometimes it just feels like its growing and it will never stop #i need too much that i cant have. I have so few options #i really dont know what kind of future there is for me if my pain and disability is already this bad in my 20s

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pezpenser205 · 21 days

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3am monday morning mood

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whoa-where-did-the-pancakes-go · 3 months

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I HATE MY FUUCKIUNING BRAIN SHUTUP

#STUPID IMAGINATION #the saw trailer and one episode of dw i watched decided obviously i should dream about like #being trapped in some sort of fucking i dont even know in the house i used to live in that ended with time travel and #me murdering several people and like poking their guts and stuff #k maybe i watched the silent hill dnp video alone in the basement too but thats unrelated #also that dream was really bad and i hate the way my brain takes everything and squishes it together #anyway i need a hug but of course everyone i care about lives A BILLION FUCKING MILES AWAY #im gonna write soooooo much fanfic after this #its a coping mechanism i guess #left a lot of stuff out of that dream but it was. bad #anyway #i have to go to school #[insert cool original post tag]#one of my favorite people ever was there though so that was nice. during the start where it was all fun and cool hanging around in space #i think i was rose during that part for some reason #he was telling me to find puzzle pieces that were also active parts of my dream. it got dark quickly #you guys dont wanna hear about this #nevermind

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rottenpear · 5 months

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every morning after wake up i feel so sick at in my heart

#its like eating rotten fruit #i hate this feeling #and it never goes away #the only thing gives me peace is dreaming disappear #why living is shitty like that? what's the point?#and when will i be okay? do i have to be grateful for not bad too much? is life this about?#i really dont know #i hate this rotten fruit #i feel sick i will throw up

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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...

#thats me in the corner. thats me in thr spotlight. rocking from side to side and not contributing to the conversation #which is to say. i made it to thr lab get together with an old lab mate. i really truely did not think i would #i was like 20min late bc of the crying and hyperventilating over a 6min drive down the road #i sorta freaked out while driving too. and almost turned around. its just that i kno i havent been sleeping enough and got overwhelmed #but i made it there. and i dont think i looked like id been crying but i probably looked a bit blank faced and miserable #as i rocked from side to side for like 2hrs listening to ppl talk. i enjoyed it exactly as much as i expected. it was good to see the guy #again but i just dont connect in group gatherings idk. im glad its done. also fucking we were sitting there and a group comes in and whos #in that group?? someone i have avoided seeing for like a loooong time. the guy who tried to be in a relationship with me back when i 1st #started as a grad student. i say relationship. i was explaining to him why i couldnt do any sort of romantic e tanglement and he was very #firm abt not wanting a relationship. and im like bro im explaining u why no romanticly adjacent thing is gonna work. u literally asked me #to physically hold ur hand thru this. u r somehow more emotionally invested in this than me and also are telling me that u just wanna fuck #me. so like u r not slick. whatever. it was so fucking stressful at the time. which i feel bad abt bc it wasn't really his fault #i was just less self aware so i didnt kno i have bad awareness in the moment. like i dont kno a lines been crossed until a week later when #im laying on thr floor falling apart. so like i wish him the best. didnt kno he was still around. hopefully this doesnt trigger stress #dreams. all this to say i was very fucking tense. and when i got back in my car i was like shaky and panting lol #idk looking back its just such a weird situation with that dude. if i was anyone else it woudlnt have been a big deal but #my brain just doesn't process physical touch right. so now ive got these horrible touch memories that like on paper r literally nothing #but for me they were so unfathomablly awful when i 1st aquired them. i literally could not deal with any romantic stuff for like a month #bc it would like trigger me. now thst its been like 3 years its not bad tho. just like gives me thr ick but i dont get #stuck in the memories too much. its so dumb. whatever. point is im all sore now from sitting all tense haha #unrelated

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boygirlctommy · 9 months

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i love you adapt au its so fucked up and for like no reason at all !!

#my post #girlie was based on a dream i had. that there was a movie based on d.s.mp.#there were some random world building details in the dream but the only plot thing was a vague argument rnab and tommy had #and i just?? conciously and while awake. decided that that argument #was tommy discovering that rnab is trying to bring people back from the dead??? by experimenting on corpses??????#SPECIFICALLY SC.HLATT AND WIL.BUR?>?>?>????????#I DONT REMEMBER WHEN I DECIDED THIS I DONT REMEMBER WHEN WE WENT DOWN THIS ROAD BUT ITS TOO LATE NOW ITS IN THE LORE #see but rnab is so far into this he doesnt even really think what hes doing is bad. bcus hes trying to protect his friends!#if he knows how to revive people then tom+tub are never really in danger! its all for them obviously <- hes abnormal #there was also a whole thing where he was?? experimenting on himself?? fuckin injectig himself w enderm.an dna for no goddamn reason?#again. not sure how we arrived here. he doesnt have a specific motivation for why hes done this #ohh my god i jst remebered. the argument. ohhh my god it was so bad you dont understand #when tmmy saw the bodies and was like WHAT THE FUCK???? YOUVE BEEN EXPERIMENTING ON MY DEAD BROTHER??? rnab says something like #'you didnt want him anyways' . like he fuckin brings up how no one gave will a funeral and how he was left to rot so yeah ranboo is using #him but hes using him to HELP PEOPLE and maybe even BRING HIM BACK!! because doesnt he deserve another chance?? <- hes projecting #its so incredibly fucked i love this au. oh if only i was a writer

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sunshine-in-a-bottle · 2 years

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Thanks to Stroob tho my demons aren't rotting me from the inside anymore. I'm still gonna get them out in the tags because the rot always comes back but like, my ribs aren't fucking disintegrating anymore, so thank u, you demonic fruit

#ok so im fucking. i feel fucking. aaaa so messed up about cGogy because on one hand. he makes me bitter #for a number of reasons #on the other hand i feel really fucking bad about being bitter. its a painful upset from which there is no reprieve #because i like cGeorge when i write him and in certain fics i find. but so much of it just adds to the Rot #and it eats me up inside because i have. no fucking clue if my problem with his character is like. Valid #or if its just personal issues made paper flesh #everyone else seems to like him just fine. he's a sweet little meow meow. whats wrong with me #i dunno whenever i get too messed up about it i just write for him #as if in some fucked up sort of apology #i dont even know how to begin to explain. theres no one to talk about it with #i feel like the fucking flower lung disease. hacking up petals trying to contain the intensity of the emotion #fuck this is stressful. theyre just characters why do i feel so bad about it #projection. thats the word. projecting. is my character interpretation correct or am i doing that #does it matter? i feel like it matters. i dont want to dislike a character for the wrong reasons #i dont want to dislike anyone at all really. makes me feel sad.#Im writing him right now cuddling with Dream. trying to fix it. its sortve working #doesnt make the feeling go away completely. but im happy for a while i guess #blah. tldr i dont like certain aspects of cGogy and it makes me feel like a bad person because i suspect its projection #and everyone else is fine with him so it probably is and im just a little silly #and if i cant trust myself to be impartial with him can i trust any of my interpretations at all?#will my writing suffer because of this?#jesus i need to lay down #Suds Soapbox #<== tagged post-laydown in case I need to find this post again for some godforsaken reason

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ironmanstan · 1 year

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one of these days my dad is gonna realize what my school schedule is in the meantime he will continue to exist adjacently to me and never in the same space

#guy who brags constantly about me getting into my program and didnt realize th school im going to is like good #until he told one girl and she recognized the name and freaked out #and now he wont fucking quit with it #meanwhile: keeps complaining its gonna get real old driving me to school and please please learn to drive #i have class. 3 days a week. technically 2 bc one class is online and i only go in that day really late in the afternoon lmfaoooo #does he know this. no not at all. has actually not asked a question about what im gonna be doing #instead keeps worrying i have no future and keeps asking what career i want to go into and also is it animation its animation right #why not animation... oh well maybe you can transfer into animation later : )#yeah ok. sure. why dont i transfer into animation so i can fucking smash a brick into my skull #screaming and dying he needs to go back to forgetting i am real he is paying too much attention to goings on now #idk how to relax and everything is coming up now and i feel like im dying slightly lmao. sitting at my desk working all weekend #working on what. who knows bc i hurt my shoulders too bad to do anything real. stressing myself out further for nothing #dies and explodes i should be excited and be doing fine but well lmao. lmao. i will probably feel better when i go in tomorrow #i dont know man ptsd brain is like nothing good can happen for long! standby for the other shoe to drop #and well it sure is coming to a head now bc getting in would be really. really good. so ofc the other shoe will drop right #i know it wont but my brain doesnt know that so fear sits in my whole body all day all night stress dream city baby #vent #ig #dies and explodes

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flamboyant-king · 2 years

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Hey gu ys

play b ug fabl es

#Sorry ive been dead. Ive started a nother job maybe second job because i still wanna make donuts #i feel so bad. Ive been feeling bad. Ive lost my ambition to draw. Im stuck. No inspiration or dreams anymore #I feel because im going to be stuck in a cycle of being in a job never that ive dreamed i should give up my passion #I know i know it can be a side thing and i know i just started actually working but #Ive been beaten down so much my hopes and strength really is leaving me #Im so tired. Im so old. I want someone or a parallel self to make the things i can never do #Make the comics the games the art that would bring me joy and happiness #Its too much effort for a shell of an egg like myself #But hey i started playing games again and reading webcomics and the freetime at work can let me watch shows #Drawing…i dont know anymore.. i never was anything special or having a will #Ive ran out of energy in general to be who i was. All i am now is tired. I miss wiwi #That aside play this game. Its fun charming and cute heeho. I did make sketches for the characters #But i cant bring myself to post art anymore. Maybe someday. But not…now…

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xysidhe · 2 years

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This is how bullshit my chronic illness is.

My normal, it's just me being able to function. It's not an absence of pain, or suffering. It's just pain that I can work around.

Days without pain, nausea, splitting migraines, severe insomnia, nonstop tremors and body weakness? Days where I feel like a normal human? Those are rare. So rare I only get that maybe once every 2-4 months. A measly 12-16 hours of utter bliss in the form of feeling like my own body isn't betraying me.

I had that, yesterday, or as close as I can come to it. But I made a mistake, I took a nap because I was tired since my sleep schedule is so messed up. And now I'm far worse than I was the day before, now I'm in the kind of pain I can't work around and I have a nonstop mantra of "don't throw up, don't cry, don't throw up, don't cry" in my head because if I do it's going to be pure agony I won't be able to think around and I don't want another episode to start a mere 5 days after the last one finally stopped.

#Xy rants #no one is going to see this and thats fine i just need to get this off my chest #i hate talking to my friends and husband about this because they all want to help and fix it and you cant fix it #i know it hurts them to realize this isnt something they can fix or help i have to suffer through this until it stops #its not a cold or a flu that can be cured with some OTC meds theres nothing that will make it go away #it never goes away it might pull back and lurk but its always there waiting to attack #i more or less accept that this is just my life now #that my life is just a bunch of pain i have to endure #i dont get mad or sad about it because that doesnt help it actively makes it worse #but sometimes i really wish i could cry about it and rage about how unfair it all is #but i dont because i cant because doing that will actually trigger more symptoms and an episode #this ruined my life in a way it lost me the best job i ever had becaue the stress from it more or less caused the illness #but in a way it helped too because now im making money doing something i only ever dared to dream of #a twisted silver lining #my life is pain but theres a lot of good in it too #and i try to remember that on the really bad days when i cant even get out of bed #chronic illness #my illness is so rare it doesnt even have a tag #cvs #cyclical vomitting syndrome #or thats my doctors best guess #is it cyclical if your down cycles last days or hours

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voidcoretxt · 16 days

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#obsessed w this image. i love himmm #bought volume 8 when i was in warsaw yesterday :-) yayyy #but . um. hey so like i think Ios camp should all be hunted down for creating heart swells/pacific daylight time. like Hello. Stop It.#sleep well... i feel......... uve ruined me forever.......... <- least tortured 16 year old dealing w a disastrous first relationship #17 year old in A WEEK. WHO CHEERED #but yeah oh woah i hope the shadow man fucking kills me in my sleep tonight this SUCKS. just like so bad #the first time ive listened to this song i . like. mhh #so like this is how you spell hahaha ive destroyed the hopes and dreams of a generation of faux-romantics Fucked Me Up #for a solid month i just felt like dogshit about like the Everything about me #i really saw myself in the character of the woman in this and i Hated it. this song genuinely changed me a lot #for good i think. ive been trying to start reading again (its going. badly.) and i dont think id be doing this if it werent for this song #but still. it made me hate myself on like a brand new fucking level. shit was crazy. but i kept listening to it cause i loved it #now. heart swells/pacific daylight time i had to skip on my first (& only) listen of we are beautiful we are doomed #i got like 40 seconds into it and just realized that Oh Wow. I Cant Do This.#the Everything that ive been upset about these past few months was too fresh back then. and that song really like . Got It #tho like. ermm actually ☝️🤓 hes gonna be on eastern standard not pacific daylight #it was fun . it made me start shaking so hard like for realll #i dont think i really like. feel a lot? but when i do its . huge #anyway idk where im going w this. i like this band. they write good songs.#i have some on my reo playlist. next to not one but twooo frax songs cause we all need more hyperpop on our character playlists #voidcore.txt

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