something wonderfully important has happened! my "wrestling dad" josh shepard got his book of wrestling erasure poems published & it is up for sale (either 10$ or "name a fair price"). this is incredibly important to me as im one of the first people to have gotten the privilege to read these poems as josh wrote them. josh is incredibly important to me as a friend, he is the guy who introduced me to wrestling & gave me a deep, unrestricted passion for it.

josh is so fucking talented, & creative. he is also my favorite poet, not just bc he's my friend. the book's flow is dedicated to the flow of a wrestling match, following all the hallmarks (the lock up, big heat, the comeback, ect) with the themes of his poems to create a match like narrative for the book.

there are like three specific poems in the batch that i want tattooed on me, a stone cold one, a mick foley one, & a briscoe brother's piece. the aj lee pipebomb poem moved me to actual tears, even when i read it now. the macho man poem abt being bipolar struck me so hard i rethought my own feeling on my mental health. josh pushes impressive themes of capitalism, mental health, poverty, & family theoughout many of his poems. i know ive got a few wrestling fans here, & if you're also into poetry please considered josh's work. or just if you want to support a friend of mine.

a cool way to support josh's work is by requesting it at your local library! even suggesting to bookstores that have poetry sections or interacting with the work thats already published. following/reposting josh's work for exposure also is great.

bruiser zine said this:

The second volume in the BRUISER Zines series, Cutting Promos is a collection of pro wrestling erasure poems by the Oklahoma City poet Josh Shepard. Printed and assembled in Baltimore, this limited edition zine collects 26 poems previously published in BRUISER, HAD, The Daily Drunk and many other fine publications.

After being laid off at the onset of the pandemic, Shepard found comfort and inspiration in the glow of professional wrestling and its performers—their violent struggles, fighting spirit, and electric language—and from their speeches and promos that have inspired wrestling fans across the globe he delivers Cutting Promos, a collection of erasures that echoes the personalities, pursuits and perseverance of pro wrestling’s greatest, standing as a testament to life lived during Hard Times and deliverance through them.

[ IN CASE YOU MISSED THE LINK ABOVE TO BUY JOSH'S BOOK ] [ JOSH'S TWITTER | INSTA | LINKTR.EE* ] *a lot of the links don't work bc the publications went under :( but there's still quiet a few up for free here

support my kayfabe father!!! i watched him turn his hard times into beautiful pieces. even in the beginning when he only had 3 or 4, before he even thought he could make the book i saw his passion for these pieces. i was there for every heart wrenching rejection letter & every hard earned spot. every time he was working late at the library sending me new ideas bc he couldn't watch dynamite. every single wrestling poem josh has written has now been published & that is a huge success. he puts in the work like a wrestler puts in the work in the ring. hard hitting, gritty, & beautiful.

its so funny when people are like.. "shipping/headcanoning/fandom has ruined the way people read and watch things" . because people have been doing all that shit since stories were first being told. and i dont mean just the old star trek spock/kirk zines i mean talking to my completely non fandom normie parents and my mom and dad have discussed what they headcanon happens post-canon in the music man, my mom has strong opinions on what happens to charlotte post-canon in pride and prejudice. theres fields of academia dedicated to close reading and analyzing and Overthinking different classical works. theres holmesian/sherlockian meetings from the 19th and 20th centuries where people wrote papers and presented them about what they headcanoned holmes' childhood to be or what watson did in between stories - watsonian and doylist both come from different ways of approaching the text, almost explicitly from how people wanted to explain watsons wives. ive had conversations with normies about the shakespeare play much ado about nothing where we talked about how benedick and beatrice have so much chemistry / hero and claudio have almost none.

enjoying a story and then continuing to think about it, thinking about the romance in it or possible in it, thinking about what happened or what could happen to the characters in it, are all things SO MANY PEOPLE do regardless of whether they do it in a group (and regardless of if that group is called the holmesian society, a book club, or internet fandom) and regardless of the terms they use - headcanon or "this is what i think happened," watsonian or in-fiction, doylist or meta, whatever. fandom isnt rotting peoples brains and ruining the way they take in or think about or seek out stories bc if thats true fucking everyone is doing that even if theyre not in some internet fandom u hate even if theyre a 50 year old man who thinks harold hill and marian lived a happy long life together even if theyre a 60 year old woman who thinks in another world darcy and bingley would date

Lightbox Expo 2023 is over!! Thank you to everyone who stopped by the table. I can't believe I sold out of both my sketchbooks AND my digimon fanbook... (multiple prints too?!)! I'm incredibly grateful... I will have a 2nd print run of both sketchbooks and online orders for the digimon book up in the next couple weeks so please keep an eye out for that!

More gushing abt the weekend under the cut

I sell at an average of idk... 3-4 events a year? So I would consider myself a frequent congoer though not necessarily full time lol. I'm a little jaded like it's not that I don't enjoy going to cons but theres definitely a bunch that feel like just-another-con-weekend to me lol, sometimes it's more work than play I guess. But this con felt really different! For the first time in a while I left a convention feeling really thrilled and giddy that I had been there. The kind of feeling I used to get when I would table at anime cons in highschool! And I think a lot of that is the people I met and talked to and the overall vibes at the event. Oh also I literally just had surgery and going to this con is like the only thing ive done this week besides lay in bed and play Story of Seasons on the nintendo switch and I thought I would be in pain and miserable but actually I HAD SO MUCH FUN...!!!! even when i skipped after-hours socializing every night to go home early and sleep 12 hours lol. SO ANYWAYS. YEAH. IT'S CORNY. BUT I wanna say thank you again to everyone who stopped by the table. Especially all the coworkers and long time mutuals who I met in person for the first time this weekend!! And the long time followers who told me they have been following me since homestuck or naruto or whenever. And college classmates who I haven't seen since graduation, crazy talented underclassmen who I'd never met but stopped by to say hi... So many people who absolutely made my day. SPECIAL thank you to my table partner Emi who is the best and such a good sport and accommodating to the point that I feel ridiculous when she thanks me for anything. And um also thank you to the artists who were cool and nice when I went up to their tables and blurted out 24917596 compliments in rapid succession. or only got one really awkward compliment out to LMAO... I felt so inspired and awe struck by everyone's work! God it was just so cool to be there. I LOVE ART....

Ok yeah thats it. its been a while since ive written a post-con blog post so earnestly lol.. here's my obscene haul photo I was buying stuff at this con like I was dying and couldn't take it with me LMAO.

I'm not gonna go tag everyone because I don't think everyones on tumblr but if you dont mind doing a little google search legwork: big x-men prints from chase conley, prints from jacki li/bguavas, azusa tojo, xanthe bouma, nicodaboy, susan yung, hormstuck, nessa tweneboah, linda liu, ash tahilan, zines also from jason dwyer, ash tahilan, aprilyn cunanan, veggiecakeface, deb lee, dune5and, uhh yoichi nishikawa art book and parakid calendar, stickers again from ash, marie lum, hormstuck, chiou, and emi hartana/crowlets OKAY I THINK I COVERED EVERYTHING THANKS FOR READING

62, 65, 81, 91

Ask me fanfic writer questions!

Hey Book!! :D wouldve answered these last night but as you know tumblr crashed on me 😭😭😭😭 so im answering it now instead!!

62.) what’s the weirdest reason you’ve ever shipped something?

Idk if this counts as weird per se but i straight up started shipping winteriron (Tony Stark x Bucky Barnes) because of THIS FUCKING FIC. It sold me on them SO HARD. Sometimes all it takes is one godtier fic that does everything right to get you hooked on a rarepair ✌️😔😔😔

65.) what is your favourite title for a fic you’ve written? 

If we're talking og titles i came up with myself, the title of my unpublished TES Oblivion fic is The Stars Have No Names, which ive always been fond of, especially combined with its planned sequel, But Those We Give Them-- which makes a full sentence that just sorta encapsulates the vibe of the whole thing in a way that really scratches my brain just right. This is closely followed by the piece i did for the DSMP Comics Zine, A Few E.G.G.s Short of the Full Scramble, which has multiple layers of puns loaded into it and makes me laugh like a lunatic every time i remember them

As for stuff that isnt original (aka song lyrics or poetry verses, which i steal from shamelessly), i'd have to say im most fond of sightless, unless the eyes reappear, which is the tma fic i wrote that accidentally predicted a decent chunk of the podcast's ending 😭 if i had a fucking nickel.... The verse is ripped from T.S. Eliot's "The Hollow Men" and i really loved how it just perfectly hits the vibes i was going for in that fic. Extremely on-the-nose titles are a game and brother i am WINNING

81.) if you could go back in time and give your younger self a piece of writing advice specific to you, what would it be?

"Hello tiny TJ. First of all, you are a transgender dyke. No this isnt relevant i just thought you ought to know. Anyway cool it with the perfectionism man one day people are gonna read a fic where every individual tag warning you've added is its own separate vine boom and you're gonna get tons of compliments on it despite the fact that it isnt what you consider fully polished. Got that written down? Cool. Now go forth and kiss women, peace<3"

91.) how has your writing style changed over the years?

My writing's always been pretty descriptive, but over the last few years its REALLY shifted into overdrive on the imagery. I think thats always been my biggest strength as a writer, and its something i really, really enjoy doing. As ive said in the past: if im not painting pictures with my words then what, pray tell, is the point!!!

The other thing ive noticed is that ive been dipping my toes into more experimental formatting, whether thats in regards to the story's structure (shout out to that time i planned to write a fic in reverse chronological order), the points of view (second person my beloved), different narration styles, or just the way the words on the page look-- something i know has been directly inspired by my cousin, who has an unpublished 85k Dead Space fanfic which replaces an ENTIRE CHAPTER with a twine game. The man is insane and i love him so much and one day i will bully him into finishing this fic because its not even halfway done what the fuck. Anyway thats my answer THANK YOU BOOK FOR SENDING THESE :DD

started on Old English again today. probably the most pain ive felt since the first day. its agony. but. memories need not always be painful. we’ll keep learning in the same way. i went back and read our old conversation logs during. and its funny, we talked about learning Old English the first day we talked on discord. actually we talked about OE wisdom poetry, the Daode Jing, Marx, Deleuze & Guattari, Chinese and Japanese, yugioh and mtg, all on the first day we started private messaging. pretty much everything we’d stay crazy about our whole relationship. i mentioned i was reading OE poems and also reading Marx at that time. and she was working on translating an eroge, and she had been reading some Beowulf. and i’m remembering that time. there was this period, from the start to the middle of 2021, where it was just like... me and Charity had just finished our zine. then me, Fall, Eris, Bryn and Charity were all playing games together. and i was playing through Dragon’s Dogma with Eris, bc she loves that game. and at the same time me and Fall started our relationship. and we played card games and stuff. and then i started learning fruityloops bc Eris is good on it and i made some tracks. and thats the year i took that rubbish OE class, and then Bryn visited. and all at the same time i got to write so much fiction and i studied so much harder than i ever did before, and i realized that Fall was helping me be more rigorous about those things because of the language stuff and the connections she would make when we’d talk about it and the questions she’d ask and stuff. and there was some really, really hard times in there, and sometimes i felt awful every day. but im realizing that 2021 was probably the happiest year of my life. i love you guys... i couldn’t ask for anybody better to spend my life with...

everyone wins and loses. its a fact of life.

but its been a tough ride this 2023 and it actually drains me to make a retrospective.

yes, looking at the good stuff objectively, ive done more than i couldve asked for. for the life of me i still dont know how i got more than a thousand likes on two paintings i didnt think would ever get seen. (simply proves to me that sometimes, social media is mainly RNG in disguise)

ive managed to maintain a consistent schedule of posting art; any art. quality may vary but that can be sorted in the near future. also ended up setting up a condo unit, drove by myself for the first time, attended my first furry convention since the pandemic.

once, for once, i was happier than ever being by myself. all that time alone was what i needed.

and im currently making a zine, and maybe other projects beyond that.

all things being objective, it was a good year.

i cannot forget the ones ive lost; the ones whose loss shaded this year.

my ex, my best friend, who i had to cut ties with, admittedly the source of my melancholy, drunken texts, and attempts at being civil, deep inside i find myself yearning for those days when it was okay for us to be idiots at 3am talking about dumb shit. but you find yourself watching the ties you set up slowly deteriorate, and nothing you do can fix it. seven years were way too long somehow. i still see them, but i know enough just to be civil, or to talk whenever youre needed.

my uncle, my mom’s older brother. my heart still breaks knowing he suffered a long illness. while we try to sing songs that he loved, we know the bitter taste of loss that cant be washed away in an instant. he was a staple at many parties that will never be the same again. i wish he saw his daughter graduate, or enter law school. i wish he lived long enough to be free of pain for just one day.

and my good friend, my fellow cities skylines 2/mekanism enthusiast; one of my ardent supporters. the voice calls will always have an empty spot for you. i will never let your tragic end overshadow the texts we had. I will live till im 30, and beyond. ive said a lot about you since your passing. somehow i still wish i was there to let you know we love you so much. take your rest, and let us know you’re ok.

also honorable mentions to budding relationships i tried to build but failed, another commissioner of mine who passed this year in the same week as my uncle.

i cant leave this year without thanking others.

my close friends, for listening to me scream and yap for 24/7 with unfiltered blazethoughts, and also reciprocating by screaming and yapping for 24/7 about yalls respective thoughts. thats friendship thats unbreakable.

my server, for being equally insane. all you 90% filipino/10% other people are so insane for accepting my invite to come and see me talk about random shit that god can’t allow. im overreacting when i say god wont allow what i say. but having a bunch of furry pals in one area is a luxury.

my gw2 guild, BURN, for the endless voice chats, helping me sort through the grief, the support and all the insanity you allowed this little lonely disaster entertain. i know we lost a lot, but we have much more to live for together.

my follows who have grown a LOT this year. your support keeps me going through and through. i love you guys.

see you in 2024.

-blaze

saw this floating around and wanted to do it since ive been writing recently ish 

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

25

2. What's your current AO3 word count?

60381

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

hnk, apex legends and valorant ( i have some ideas for klk and power rangers 2017 but PAIN)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Glad You're Here Again - Houseki No Kuni - 62 Kudos

Lunares Superficiem - Houseki No Kuni - 42 Kudos

Catch-22 of a Prince - Valorant - 41 Kudos

Savior - Houseki No Kuni - 32 Kudos

No Will - Houseki No Kuni - 31 Kudos

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

ALWAYS.... i rarely get ao3 comments but i love every single one i get :’) as much as i hate ao3 adding to the comment count

6. What's a fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

probably a tie between Of Sand and Time or diamonds, they shine in the dark now . i think s&t hits way harder cuz its not a dynamic written about often and its an (unlikely) scenario that couldve happened if varie showed up later 

7. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've ever written?

no :) 

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

no unsurprisingly, the hnk fandom doesnt give much interaction on ao3 sadly . but id like to keep it that way with other fandoms considering how ppl get ‘cancelled’ for writing things that others dont like . 

9. Do you write smut?

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

nope, but thatd be funny as shit though

11. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

NO BUT ID REALLY LIKE TO COLLAB ON SOMETHING

12. What's your all time favorite ship?

yellowrutile yellowrutile yellowrutile yellowrutile yellowrutile yellowrutile yellowrutile yellowrutile yellowrutile yellowrutile yellowrutile yellowrutile yellowrutile yellowrutile yellowrutile yellowrutile yellowrutile yellowrutile <33333333333333333333333333333 

13. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

dog i was like 11 or 12, i wrote for victorious and how to rock .... beck/cat and stevie/zander..... yummy.... AAKAKAKAKAKKA

14. What's your favorite fic you've written?

aaaaaaaaa,,... thats a hard one... probably my (recent) zine fic Moratorium or  Snow Falls (And So Do We) bc tender yellowrutile..... and confusing relationship .... 

i tag the homies @daireannx @kordeliiius @gemrust @pinktatertots99 @pancakethepikachu​ @radishleaf​​ but feel free not to do it smile 

okok im manifesting the projects i wanna do here bc no one is ever on my tumblr EHEEHEH tbf IM rarely on my tumblr

• ok so first i have an iwa guitar thing ive been meaning to do

• a fucking uhhhhhhh tanaka idea ive had

• i have to update the home depot hq au which i realize i have never posted on here so thats fun

• bkak family au shit

• a renga red string of fate thing ive had planned for a WHILE

• reki giving himself and langa stick and poke tattoos

•SHADOW MY BELOVED!!!!!!

• reki in body suits because its my time to be happy

•reki and miya being brothers n shit

•trans joe comic idea

• maybe more trans reki if i have time

• that one sk8 animatic to come a little closer

• OH FUCK I HAVE A ZINE PIECE I STILL NEED TO DO LITERALLY LOOKS AROUND

• uhhh bkak share your address animatic

•langa white flag animatic

•renga over the influence thing

• i wanna draw leopika

• also wanna draw more ponies

• i also wanna draw more stuff for my celestial au

• a full bkak piece to give me peace of mind

•long haired reki for the soul,,,,

•reki but specifically with a gap tooth

•reki and langa but its specifically the 3-4 times me and my best friend have drank together

..... I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO FJFKFKFK better get to work ig???? hype me up this might be a long weeked and im definitely not getting all of this done bc i have hw but i literally want to do ALL of this

my week off

im still alive somehow. it feels like my family is the only one still wearing masks and washing groceries (although my mom forgets her mask more and more everyday and im getting tired of washing food)

but we're alive. my grandma got cancer and is going to die soon. i dont rlly know how to react but my mom is taking it well. she's only cried once in front of me. ill hug her tight for as long as she needs.

this is just gonna me infodumping about my week. im taking 7 days off from ig my friends?? so i can stop being so [tv static]

anyway

day one was the most difficult because i kept forgetting not to check on everything. it was hard to distract myself bc qll my distractions have to do with online- which is what im trying to avoid. eventually i decided that the one place im allowing myself to check is tumblr bc i dont speak to anyone here rlly, im just here for the vibes. i built my bed today. my mom loves it. its my first fabric bed instead of wood so im worried about stains and smell but i guess i just gotta trust in the gospel of febreeze

day two was easier, almost. i had to check discord because of zines so it was difficult not to peek in. luckily it doesnt look like anyone is missing me, which is a slight blow to my pride but its not like i Want ppl to be sad while im gone either so maybe my brain just needs a chill pill. anyway i did grad school signup shit and zine shit and thats pretty much it. i had a pretty bad headache that day. but i found out that pluto has a garfield and friends chanel so whos the real winner

today is day three. slow day. i didnt eat this morning or for lunch but we bought more groceries for thanksgiving tomorrow. im so excited

a bug landed on me while i was pooping which made every inch of my skin crawl cause i hate bugs but i guess thats what i get for sitting on the toilet for an hour lul.

we're gonna start cooking probably tn (or my mom is), i cant wait to get the mac and cheese. ive been trying to learn blender lately but i cant figure out the monkey head on fire thing. guess i better watch more tutorials.

tbu tomorrow bye

P.S. THE FUNNIEST THING HAPPENED,,,,, nothin like getting recommended ur ex’s blog after not using tumblr for like a month LMAOOOOO

hell yeah check in tag time!! thank u @followfindyou for the tag lava u <3

under the cut because this ones a bit long

why did you choose your url?

i enjoy ye baiyi and also transgenderism and since its pride month i thought id combine the two and trans ye baiyis gender <3

any side blogs? if you have them: name them and why you have them

i do! i have @translanzhans which is my cdrama sideblog, @dilfgawain which is my ?gawain sideblog?? i dont know. then um @jumpingandpopping which is the jestie only joppost archive and an aesthetic/stim blog that i am not disclosing drtfgyuh i also have blogs that arent rly sbs more like. other blogs such as the tma italian translation blog (@tma-traduzioni) which i share with the rest of the translation gang and the arthurianum zine blog which i run with lou (@arthurianum)

how long you’ve been on tumblr?

a really long time drtfgyhuijo like since age 11 (which is why i have brained rot) but not with this blog i changed blogs at some point

do you have a queue tag?

i straight up dont have a queue drtfgyhuij i just reblog stuff when im online and thats about it

why did you start your blog in the first place?

hmm for a long time i was on tumblr to just to kind of lurk in fandoms, these days the few fandoms im in im a little more directly involved but ngl im here mostly for the human connection with friends and mutuals and likeminded users and to share and talk about my interests a bit more freely

why did you choose your icon?

i love lan xichen dearly and we are besties (this is not my mdzs blog though i see a lot mf mdzs blogs i dont know following me and i feel bad for tricking them with lan xichen... hes just here cause i like him)

why did you choose your header?

i made it because i wanted something a little pretty and ive put there things i like (clouds, forget me nots etc)

what’s your post with the most notes?

romanticize caramelize unionize 😔😔😔😔 and on translanzhans its a wwx + textpost post (or transgenderization beam wangji im not sure)

how many mutuals do you have?

like around the hundred i think? no idea edrtfgyuh idk how to check... but my mewchwals mutuals are less than that

how many followers do you have?

362. too many methinks

how many people do you follow?

hmmmmm WAY too many i need to go on an unfollowing spree its like over the thousand

have you ever made a shitpost?

dont like the term but yeah sometimes the people take a liking to my silly little posts

how often do you use tumblr each day?

way too much 43w54d65f76g87h i may not one of those permanently on ig or tiktok people but i am permanently on tumblr

did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

unfortunately more than once... not going to get into it swerdtrytfugy those who know know.....

how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

i dont like the tone of "you need to reblog" but if its important ill move past that annoyance and rb. otherwise no sorry it feels a little mean and guilt-trippy

do you like tag games?

i adore them!! im always rly happy when people tag me

do you like ask games?

i do! i dont do them often but when i do its really fun <3

which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

hmm not going to name names but i do have some mutuals with some really popular posts or like. kind of a following

do i have a crush on a mutual?

nope thank god ive never had the online friend kind of crush it sounds like an ordeal

tagging @xiaoguiwang @transwenkexing @i-like-creepy-and-cute-stuff @dragonji @trans-bunji if u want to <3<3

The incredibly talented and handsome @dangerghost20 tagged me to answer some Q's so im going to start by apologizing for having taken days to finish this lol i promise i didnt forget buddy!

1. why did you choose your url?

I used to make this Sadboi zine because a friend of mine and i were all about it. So when i came back to Tumblr after like a 7 year hiatus, i figured id go with that.

2. any side blogs?

You mean like a porn blog that i reblog from other mutuals porn blogs?!?......nnooooo, i would never!! 😊

3. how long have you been on tumblr? 

First got one in '09 and came back, like 3-4 yrs ago and felt like

4. do you have a queue tag? 

No but i do have things queue'd up

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

Memes haha. And because i missed the aesthetics of the old OG tumblr girls who would post cottagecore, reading nooks, and the horribly problematic Native American aesthetic stuff.

6. why did you choose your icon or pfp? 

The icons my silly mug 😊

7. why did you choose your header?

Because i still love me a good laugh at my trauma haha

8. what is your post with the most popular notes?

Probably the dumb joke about how all the bots wanna f**k me 🤣

9. how many mutuals do you have?

A lot and they're all incredible. Like. Thats not even an exaggeration. The amount of talent, beauty, kindness, intelligence, and humor among everyone here is unbelievable and i am so lucky to have found such an incredible amount of friends and acquaintances 🥺

10. how many followers do you have? 

Real followers or bots? Haha i honestly dont know because it feels like a swinging door here.

11. how many people do you follow?

A looooottt, mostly mutuals 😊

12. have you ever made a shit post?

13. how often do you use tumblr?

Idk how comfortable i feel admitting that its daily haha

14. have you ever had a fight with another blog?

Nah. Not worth it haha

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog” posts?

If its good, its good. If its not, its not. Not a big fan of making people feel guilty tbh.

16. do you like tag games?

Love them. 🥰

17. do you like ask games? 

I love to ask them, like to answer them. Still working on being more open about my personal life 🤣

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

Haha not to speak for anyone here but i dont think any of us are really worried about that 😅

19. do you have a crush on a Tumblr mutual?

Listen, which one of us hasnt fantasized about starting a cute gay commune where we can come as we go, grow our own food, support each other emotionally, physically, etc. Start a life independent from the ugliness of the world and really thrive like a secret coven of witches who put out love into the world.

.........

The yearning is real haha

Im gonna skip tagging anyone because i feel like ive been bugging you guys enough as it is 😅

Ive been a fan of the show since episode 3. I was 11, im now 19. This show has had a huge, huge impact on my life. I met so many amazing people through this show (shout out to the people in the zine server)

But like. Real talk... this show got me through middle school\upper elementary (5th and 6th grade). I would pretend that the ninja would be there with me when i was alone on the play ground. Because thats just how it be when your a child with few friends.

As i mentioned before, the first episode I watched was snakebit. That episode holds a special place in my heart. Though it may not be my favorite (thats a tie between Ninja Roll, Dead Mans Squall, and How to Build a Dragon). Its what introduced me to the show. Though, unfortunately for my sister, i was the one to make her hate it, purely because I loved it so much.

I remember watching season 2 episodes on youtube. I remember watching the season 2 finale in such horrible quality that you couldnt see what was going on. Its funny, looking back on it.

Another thing i remember, was when i was watching the last voyage and dr Julien appeared on screen, causing me to pause the video and yell at my sister that "hes alive!!!!!!"

I have so, so many amazing memories thanks to this show. I have laughed and cried and everything in between. I have created memes, i have created fanfictions, i have created pieces of art. Ninjago is what inspired me to begin writing and drawing.

When i had heard about kirbys passing, it broke my heart. It pained me to know that one of the characters in the show no longer had his voice. But ninjago is kirbys legacy. Kirby lives on with ninjago. He will always be remembered as cole, master of earth.

Without ninjago, i dont know what kind of person i would be. Its shaped me as a person. Its literally an important part of my life. If it wasnt there, what would be?

I dont know. But that doesnt matter. All that matters right now is that this show is 10 years old. It has shaped me into the person i am today.

Happy 10 years, ninjago. Hope to celebrate more with you in the future because ninja never quit!

tw: dysphoria, q slur

lmao so i saw my psychologist and 2 minutes in and she asks point blank q do you think youre trans? and ive been talking about how binding feels right for me and i kinda like it when people think im not a woman and feeling uncomfortable in my body and how i dont know if i am a woman, really, or do i just not identify with the what ive been told is a woman and its so racialised because not only a woman but an asian woman and what if its just more internalised racistm and what does it mean for me in my attraction to women? and i know gender =/= sexuality but lesbian just feels right for me right now and honestly i kind of want to just point to stone butch blues and be like. this is it. anyway this is the first time that ive spoken about this out loud let alone to a medical professional? and she said that labels arent important, what you feel is important and maybe queer as an umbrella works? [side note i once went to a zine store and asked if they had queer zines and the person there was like ‘queer? like weird stuff?’ like lmao] anyway my psych talked about how i should write a letter to my mother about how i feel and how can i do that when i barely feel like im not trans enough to say i have dysphoria to myself. when i came out to my mother and told her i was dating a girl, she asked who is the girl and who is the boy. thats the only way in which she could understand same sex attraction. how could i tell her i dont think im any other either? idk sorry idk 

various asks

I don’t have a lot of time or energy to put in the level of effort and detail that goes into the colored pages, at least not now. Plus, the sheer effort was absolutely preventing me from working on this at all because the step by step process of painstakingly lining it all with the unruly brush I used and trying to block in so many colors was agony.

Sometime if I feel like it, I might go back and finish some pages that I particularly love, but my focus is going to be finishing this before I make it look nice because if I make it look nice, it’s never gonna get finished. And by god, I want to complete something for once in my life lol

:pensive: i love the way my sketches look

pretty crazy. i’m in the middle of my busiest month i’ve ever had since I started freelancing which sounds stressful but I’m actually having a blast with it, much more so than I used to. I was in 3 Hollow Knight zines that all are wrapped/wrapping up now. and since i’m actually making money I got a flight to visit my partner in a couple weeks. I killed my savings to buy a new computer so I could like... keep my “job” and I only just finally downloaded all my 500 fancy brushes yesterday. i’m probably setting up a studio because i found out its like. illegal to make more than a certain amount of money without being incorporated in certain states.

I’ve been working on nothing but original projects whenever I have the time. This is the first time I’ve really delved in to drawing fanart in a long time and man it felt great actually. even if im really not into ut at all anymore it feels great to just. draw a comic with characters ive been working with for years. it’s so comfortable.

anyways since i got a new computer i dont have my flowey folder anymore so thats why he’s not here

yeah my resolutions are to learn how to use blender (i’ve been crippled by maya tho) and unity. i also made a decade resolution which is to publish original work

<333 im glad you’ve enjoyed it and I hope you still do even without the pretty colors :’)

i sometimes think abt how one of the feminist zinesters i interviewed last year proposed i could send in an illustration for their next publication, so the one for this year, and i liked the offer and i regret not doing anything with it but man. i rly do not feel connected to feminism enough or like, not enough to theirs i guess. in the zine i bought from them i read abt sexual harrassment, dating, sex, going out, nudity, girls peeing in public, and music and all of these experiences are of course by women and she knew im nb and illustrate but i just... feel like i didnt learn anything new when reading the zine, it was interesting i guess but i didnt really feel educated by it bc i feel like im at a different point, and just a lot of these artistic young creatives like them, but also at my uni and whatnot, theyre all so extravert and occupy themselves with borrels (? having drinks), careers, experimental art events, and just. everything they do is so offline, like artsy ppl are so far removed from the internet and do so much more in their lives, i cant relate to it. and i dont feel like its fair for me as a nonbinary / genderless person to write for a feminist zine when that should offer a space for women to talk, or at least i dont feel comfortable w it. i dont have anything interesting to say on the topic anyway? the most interesting thing i can think of is uhhh that ive been so alienated from womanhood due to autism (me not copying gender-specific behaviours and being bullied) that i am therefore not a girl / woman. but i dont want to share that in a collective. i remember the zine introduction naming 'women and nonbinary people' together and i found this so odd bc nb people can be men too and just. it rly seemed to reinforce the idea that nonbinary people are a third category that isnt male. and i had the feeling overall that there were no trans ppl in their large collective at all, which also made me feel disconnected from their feminism. i think feminism was my first introduction to leftism on tumblr, though i must add that i started out as quite an edgy centrist. but yeah i just. im a really sensitive and boring person and i cant relate to this artsy type of person who shows nudity and is very social, i cant relate to womanhood, nd feel too disconnected from feminism at this point as i dont feel like i have much to share on the topic or like whatever i read on it is rly intriguing, but thats prob bc the liberal variant is so popular. but idk. these are some midnight thoughts i guess

man, like...

ive been on this site for years. YEARS!!!!! like since 2012 or something...

and i.. feel like i dont have anything to show for it. ive been in a deep dark depression since like 2015 and im still trying to recover but like, for the first time i felt like i was cool on this site. like i was making friends and getting asks and like... getting attention.

its not a good way to live, being validated from a screen, but like... it felt like i was like getting somewhere. im sure if i didnt fall into that depression id have way more art posted and way more followers. hell id probably be a lot more confident in taking commissions.

its depressing in a way? like.. i thought id get somewhere. idk where but... like being a well known artist or something. be part of a zine or something. i never thought i was good enough to try and i just sat in envy of all the other artists. 

i know i draw good but i let my depression and executive dysfunction rule my life, and it just makes me sit idly by while other people network, make content, and make connections. 

i know im not a shitty artist, ive worked hard for what i have. other artists have worked hard too. a lot of it is luck, like that weed comic was such a huge fluke and im not even that happy with it because i rushed it. it took me three days to make that comic with roulxs and jevil and i gave it everything i had... and.. now it doesn’t mean anything. all of my followers are here on this dying website. everything that i had built up is leaving because yahoo is so fucking greedy. 

it feels meaningless and awful. i truly thought it wouldnt matter, like i tell myself “i drew this for me, not the weirdos on the internet” but its a lie i really try to get peoples attention i really do. 

this site has been pure hell, bullies, racists, spam bots, superwholock like its been a fucking nightmare to be a part of. literally some of my best friends have been chased off by people who believed they were evil without listening to facts. i hope the witch hunts can be put to an end. i really do. hearsay is spread so quickly and easily its awful.

but... its been a pure hell that has given me some of the most genuine laughs of my life. like sonic for real justice was such a fucking trip and i will probably remember that time fondly for a good while. it has given me some of my dearest and closest friends. like @polartoon and i met through the old dude thats my ghost fandom! like such a stupid silly show has connected me to the person im dating now its so fucking wild to me. 

i dont want to save or archive the content on my blog because thats a lot of posts i straight up dont have space for. im not deleting it either because this blog is safe for work and i dont think it would be forcibly taken down. i just want to close the book. 

im just... in mourning i guess. like the school everyone hated going to but everyone still showed up because their friends were there. its breaking my heart but it kinda deserved to die.

idk

rip