#its not even that like im ashamed of it anymore or like i have bad associations its just. Oh god what if he finds my blog
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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Ed recovery with autism and adhd is so weird.
Like I'll either forget to eat lunch entirely or I'll forget when I ate last and end up eating lunch 3 seperate times instead.
Then sometimes I have to literally ask my girlfriend if I'm hungry because I don't fucking know what my body is feeling ever and she's usually like "Yeah you should eat".
Then when I go to prepare food it's like:
Me: okay body so how much food do you want
Body: hm...m... food...?
Me: yes food. But HOW MUCH
Body: uhh... s e v e r a l
Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
And then I end up making too much for me to eat (thank God I'm allowed to not eat all of my food now- I hated that rule so much growing up) but its still so goddamn confusing skgjfjfhff
#wrong#anyway im incredibly thankful for my girlfriend who is so so patient and supportive#the amount of help and support i never realized i need is actually insane#like i genuinely cant function without help because of my autism (and adhd to a lesser degree)#idk its just really nice to not only have help but not feel like i should be ashamed of needing it either#oof i forgot the other thing that happens when i make food is that i prepare it and then by the time its done cooking#i dont even want it anymore -_- like wtf? i literally was JUST hungry#or i wont feel hungry but then as soon as i go to bed and cant make food because everyones asleep#and the lights are all off and im all cozy and sleepy#THEN im starving. my body has the worst timing ever sometimes istg#still not as bad as before recovery though#ive just elected to be a lot more patient with myself#i used to compare my recovery to other peoples never understanding what i was doing#but the truth of the matter was those people i was comparing myself to#had only had eds for like 2-5 years. which is still bad of course but its not applicable to my scenario#they were also neurotypical and cisgender which i also couldnt relate to#the thing is i never learned how to eat properly. before my ed i still wasnt eating enough#because my parents were neglecting me#i only know hunger and i never learned how to eat properly or what being nourished feels like#that means i have to not only relearn things but learn them entirely for the first time#i have to learn what hunger feels like and what being full feels like and when it is and isnt ok to skip a snack#its just really hard learning these things for the first time ar 20 years old#and once i acknowledged that- that it was really hard for me- i think i felt a lot of relief#like im struggling but it makes sense that i am and i wont always feel like thia#one day i will heal. i just needed a little help
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told my therapist about rlmblr yesterday. this is the biggest secret about myself that ive divulged to him
#(deer nightclub bouncer voice)#traumatic experiences? sure! symptoms of psychosis? yeah! my brother? go ahead! get all that stuff out in the first few sessions!#rlmblr? hold it right there.#its not even that like im ashamed of it anymore or like i have bad associations its just. Oh god what if he finds my blog#if he does. Hiii.... haayyy..... hello.....#bigfoot took the wheel
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feeling of growing into my body is so nice too. god puberty sucked
#i mean i had other stuff too. and so do probably most of my followers bc Trans Things. i never had dysphoria from being trans tho#it was all from discomfort during puberty + depersonalization#so now that both of those have lessened + ive gotten better at managing them. HOLY SHIT ITS NICE#i dont feel ashamed of my body!!! ive achieved complete body neutrality its so fucking awesome#i dont even feel like i need to dress up anymore. nor am i uncomfortable with the idea that someone could find me attractive#bc i understand its not my job to be or not be attractive its just my job to EXIST. other ppl can think whatever they want about me#its SO NICE. i am growing into my life its so lovely.#just a bit of positivity for you guys :] this site (and online spaces in general) can be so negative bc it’s a safe place to ent#so heres a break from that. from someone who struggled heavily w mental illness for multiple years#i don’t want to disclose what or why but it wasnt just quirky depression anxiety etc it was like from real scary shit + near death experienc#<- not to say anxiety & depression don’t suck. what i mean is that it wasn’t quirky ‘omg i have anxiety im so scared of everyone 🥺👉👈’#type shit that every white girl highschooler insists they have. it wasnt just beingn sad cus of high school LMAO#NOT TO DOWNPLAY THAT BUT LIKE. U KNOW THE PPL I MEAN. u dont have anxiety/ocd/depression dude youre just Sad. fairly so but itsnot Disorder#but. from someone who went thru all that. IT GETS BETTER. also if ur like 13-15 ur brain hormones suck and it gets better 100%#like everything feels So Bad but its just uour brain chemicals and i am so sorry uour brain does that. BUT IT GETS BETTER I PROMISE. <3#it doesnt make your struggles easier but you should know that it DOES get better. <3 love u#ok <3 take care guys#tobin talks
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.
#...... i think too its not just that im bony#its all the new cuts too#...this is the first time after uhhh. round 2 of taking things way too far that ive seen myself. alone. naked. in a coldly lit changing#room#like#fuck#we really did a number on this body#ive been joking for a long time that i look like an okapi or a zebra but like... damn#idk they dont bother me. they never have#im not grosses out by them or even ashamed nor do i even think theyre ugly honestly. but#along with all the bones i just had this feeling of like. oh lol this aint normal. again like..... I looked like A Creature#which on one hand kinda sick bc slightly nonhuman looking half dead but still beautiful but kinda scary creature is exactly what i was#going for in my teen years. and w the meds ive achieved it with 0 severe anorexic stress or obsession or even feeling hunger basically at#all. just empty#but im...older now#and. yea idk if that's really the standard i have anymore#.......what i see now is just. wear. i see my pain and trauma and my souls repeted death. in the way this flesh looks#..... i think back then i used to get a lot more enjoyment out of having a physical representation of how bad im doing psychologically#but i just. dont enjoy my own pain and suffering that much anymore lmao. even i managed to get fed up with the masochism past a certain#point#..... and i think its also that. while im definitely not great (i did spend the last weeks to months posting on here abt how i wanna die#every day lmao) ive also been A LOT worse#all the scars are from... a lot worse. all the bones - i usually only saw them like this when i was a lot worse#..... its almost like idk. looking at it (me) with more sober eyes#.....i hate how tired i look too#i really need to quit smokiny#that shits doing me worse than the not eating or the cutting or any other damn thing
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tired of always feeling guilty bc i get good grades but my peers do not get the ones they wanted and therefore start throwing tantrums... what do you want me to do about it bruv get a grip youre 30
#mk.post#dni bc this is personal#but like for real everyone around me is always moping and whining about how hard a class is#or how bad their mark is and it makes me feel so ashamed for my good marks#or how easy i find a class or how comfortable i am with the materail#and i swear i just want this feeling to go away bc im confident and i like my field#but some people just make me feel SO inexplicably guilty#like first of all i know its no ones fault that i do well bc i work hard even tho i complain too etc etc#but i am a smart person and i always have been#and i hate that i dont have the space to feel good or to celebrate myself and my achievements#because people are so concerned with doing “badly”#and fyi a 77 or a B+ is not a bad grade lmao thats the majority of my transcript#feels like this person is just taking it out on me#she is also assuming i got the same ish grade as her but i got a 92 and an A+ and a personal email about how well i did#and im like oh yeah... yeah that sucks... ahha...#maybe dont assume i did as “bad” as you did? if you think your grade is so shitty why are you assuming i got it too#cannot explain it anymore im just tired and now i feel like shit
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i wish i had a way to talk through things with another person but the only people i see in real life i live with and every time i have actually opened up about how i’m feeling it has gone incredibly badly, in part because i’ve isolated myself so far from human beings that i don’t think i’m able to feel or express things in a human way. so i’ve stopped trying to do it.
#i've discussed my art with my mom more recently but in the vaguest terms because i'm always ashamed of how shit it is#and that it is of course usually some embarrassing media thing and she tries to show interest but i can't be honest about it#when i get passionate about things...when i've done it before i look up at the other person while im talking#and i can see them slipping out of my reach and its like being untethered in space so i dont anymore#that or i actually communicate my needs or what is hurting me honestly and then have it used against me or someone else#i talk to people but it is all this like. meaningless chatter that makes me grit my teeth how much its just a courtesy#i cannot relate to human beings with jobs and lives and experiences and friends and skills and so i'm alone here#and i end up crying on here every few hours because disconnecting would be a death sentence but keeping it all inside of me#would fucking kill me and it just. im not reliable enough or warm enough or brave enough to even message people one on one#in a way that means im a meaningful part of anyone's life so its just. yelling in the post editor i go and pretend it helps#i dont want to word it but it is really really deeply terrifying to me how bad its gotten. i really can't imagine a way out of this#i don't think anyone i live with does it maliciously but it feels like i'm being handled like an irritating animal all the time#not like a person. not like an adult.#i dont know. i feel like i have interesting insights into the world and the things i like. i feel like theres so much beauty#i want to show other people to try and express my love because i can't do it in words or gestures#and i feel like it could be so beautiful if i was just understood. if i could just be#i have to stop talking about this now im sorry
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yeah but i really got fucked over by the people i told this abt loll
#some of yall might remember my vent posts and stuff and yeah this situation didnt end well for me#i could talk abt this for hours honestly this is so messed up#yknow ive been thinking how i never really tell my friends what i go through at home anymore bc i began to doubt myself#even tho i KNOW it all happened. They did abuse me. Still do. But some part of me thinks#that i just made this up or that it wasnt actually that bad. even though it was. it was so much fucking worse. and having to go through it#again and again and again. i have no words. sometimes my mind just goes blank bc i dont want to think abt this stuff. i just want it to be#over.#some part of me thinks that if i tell somebody im ruining my abusers lives. even though theyre the one ruining mine. nothing can harm them.#especially my words. they will never face consequences bc the system doesnt work. and i dont want to ruin their life.#i just want it to be over.#i just want to go on and live my life and leave this all behind and start anew.#im an awful person. i have younger siblings and this was the only reason i decided to go through with telling someone at school abt this. bc#i didnt want them to suffer like me. i knew what their mindless actions did to me. and to see my siblings go through that.#but my sister absolutely hates me for telling the school#she says shes ashamed to go there bc people know#she thinks i made it up for attention even though she literallywas there when they beat me. she was fucking there lmfao#im sorry if this is too much but i need to get this somewhere out. writing it down is not enough and i cant tell this at anyone#kill me💗 the only thing keeping me alive is dreaming. very corny i know. but fantasizing abt my far away future is the only thing making me#go on. thinking abt my life after this ends. but sometimes its not enough and i just spend all my time watching stuff or reading or whatever#just watching stuff abt lives totally different from my own. that helps me focus on something else for a while. sighhhhhh
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Hello I hope your requests are on and if they are can I have angsty and alittle platonic headcanons for Lucifer
Where him, Lilith and Charlie run into he's ex wife who he left because he lost feelings for her and started liking Lilith after years his ex wife has movied on from him and her personality has also changed to the point its like a new person and that she has gone from a soft Naive woman to a more independent and emotionally stronger one
Thank you ignore this if you like
hello im back to writing!!! … with a bit of an angst warning
i like to think the marriage with lucifer was a lot like adam and liliths, you were basically created to be his wife. despite having free will, you were made for a purpose, so you understood lilith. you probably talked about it with him, saying you felt for her. “if i didn’t love you, i don’t know what i’d do,” you say and he smiles before telling you he loves you too
“if you ever feel how she does, and didn’t want to be with me anymore, you could tell me,” he’d say one day, and you dont think much of it
but back then you were too passive. like him, you were full of beliefs, but you were much more credulous and naive, and that led him to find someone else to share his dreams with. he used them to help comfort her and cheer her up, even telling you about it
then one day he stops
you piece it together, though — even if you’re naïve, you’re not an idiot, and you just let him go on until he plans to give eve the fruit
“don’t do this,” you tell him and he feigns like he doesn’t know what you’re talking about — or he really doesn’t because you feel like you have to say, “you must think i’m stupid,” when you see the shocked look on his face. “i know what you’ve been doing. i know what you’re about to do. don’t.”
but even if he didn’t think you were stupid, he certainly knew you didn’t think about the world the same way the other angels did; he convinced you, no matter what you knew was right, that this was the right thing to do. everything would be okay! humans would have free will, and everything would be fine
of course, that was the last time you spoke. you weren’t exactly sure if you’d ended things on good or bad terms, but in his mind you absolutely hated him, never wanted to see his face again, and were glad he fell
so, of course, once he ran into you — in hell of all places — at a high society event with his wife and daughter, he was floored. his only reaction, logically of course, was to turn the opposite way and drag his wife over to one of the princes to introduce her to
“where’s charlie?” lilith would ask him after a moment and he already knew
you were an angel, one of the only angels to swallow their pride and come to this event when invited, so it only made sense that his daughter wandered over to you and your small group of other angels — probably only there on a formality, he thought — and of-fucking-course she was drawn to you
lilith was already going over to you before he could stop her, so he went after her
you already recognized charlie; she looked so much like him, but you didn’t turn away. instead, you bent to her level and talked with her, listening as the tiny child talked about her parents and toys, and anything she could think of while you nodded along and conversed with her about her fantastical stories as best you could
“charlie, honey, let’s not bother…” he couldn’t even bring himself to say your name, prompting you to look up and introduce yourself
you didn’t know if he never told lilith about you, or if she was just being kind, but it seemed like she didn’t know your name or who you were. she introduced herself with a smile and you easily understood why lucifer fell for her
“it’s been a while,” you say to him and he can’t help but smile, relieved that your voice didn’t hold any contempt for him
but he didn’t know whether to feel grateful or ashamed when you introduced yourself to his wife as an old friend
#hazbin hotel x reader#hazbin hotel#lucifer morningstar#hazbin hotel fanfiction#hazbin hotel headcanon#hazbin hotel heaven#lucifer morningstar x reader#lucifer hazbin hotel#hazbin lucifer#lucifer x reader
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{ ᵏᵃʳᵐᵃ ʰᵃᵗᵉˢ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃⁿᵈ ʸᵒᵘ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᵏⁿᵒʷ ʷʰʸ, ᵗᵘʳⁿˢ ᵒᵘᵗ ʰᵉ ʰᵃˢ ⁿᵉᵛᵉʳ ᶠᵃˡˡᵉⁿ ⁱⁿ ˡᵒᵛᵉ ʷⁱᵗʰ ˢᵒᵐᵉᵒⁿᵉ ˢᵒ ʰᵃʳᵈ ᵇᵉᶠᵒʳᵉ }
y/n stared confused and a little annoyed at her seatmate who refused to take part in their paired project.
"nah, im tired"
"but we have to finish this"
"yea yea just do your part then send it to me, i'll do it at home"
karma rested his head in his arms on the table, facing away from her. seriously what did y/n even do? all she did was become his seatmate by luck and occasionally ask him math questions because he's smart. so why did he have to be so hostile?
"okay.."
he made y/n so uncomfortable. She admits she did have a crush on the redhead but has said nothing and done nothing to him about it, making his coldness much harsher on her.
-
during their pe lessons, karasuma made seatmates partner up to spar with each other.
y/n glanced at karma, and he glanced back before looking away and walking out of the field to skip the class.
"did both of you get into an argument?"
nagisa asked, knowing his friend was not the type to be so cold to someone without a reason. sure karma can be unfriendly and aggressive to people, but it was to those who did or said something bad.
"no he just hates me for breathing"
y/n sighs and rolls her eyes before asking if she could spar with another person.
-
"why would you pull that off?!"
karma is angry, but y/n was confused, was he angry at her for trying to defend their group when they got attacked by students who are much bigger and older than them? or did he have some grand plan and she fucked it up?
"akabane i-"
"what if you got seriously hurt? you wouldn't even stand a chance against those guys!"
he gripped your shoulders tightly.
"then what should i have done? you were getting kicked!"
you smacked his hands away and got up, brushing the dirt off your skirt. you looked over to your elbow which got scrapped when the students shoved you and winced a little at the pain.
"you're really a fucking idiot you know that."
karma held your arm to look at your wound, then poured water to disinfect it. y/n took the bottle out of his hand and stepped back.
"i can do it by myself, after all, you don't want to waste your time with a fucking idiot you hate."
karma was stunned, he knew he was an ass to her these past few weeks but she thought he hated her?
"what are you even saying y/n, since when have i hated you?"
y/n looked at karma incredulously
"don't give me that bullshit, you were so cold to me when i did nothing to you."
he was cold to her he knows, he was trying to avoid her. why? because he felt something with her, something foreign, fuzzy and warm. whenever he was with her his heart would like someone squeezed the life out of it. it was so annoying but he was always addicted, so he avoided her to stop what he was feeling.
karma sighed, "i don't hate you. really. its just,,"
he looks away ashamed of how vulnerable he is now in front of her. he combs his hair back with his hands in frustration and also to hide his red face.
"just?"
y/n hoped for a suitable answer as to why he had shunned her this whole time because it really did hurt her quite a lot.
"i feel something with you, its so weird, i don't like it."
karma says, eyes never looking at the girl in front of him. he couldn't bear to see what expression he had on her face, it would truly kill his heart.
"it's...ah you know what never mind."
he tries to control the damage that's done, he thinks that anymore he says, y/n would never want to see him again. y/n grabs the hem of his black jacket to stop him from avoiding her, something she should have done all along.
"no, karma, what feelings do you have with me. don't try to run away again"
y/n gripped tightly, feeling like if she let go he would be gone for real this time. she calls out his first name for the first time showing how desperate she was.
"i really really like you. alot."
ah. he did it, he admitted his feelings. it's done, whatever relationship they had is gone now.
"what? is that why you acted like that?"
oh my, karma is so fucking cute, y/n thought seeing his face flush even redder
"so annoying, i can't believe i feel so weak when i'm with you. i can't even fight properly. i can't even focus on anything in class."
karma kept trying to hate how he feels, perhaps its because he never knew what it was like to give love since his parents were always either overseas or at work.
"annoying? you are so stupid. you liked me for a month and you found it annoying, i liked you for 6 months you ass!"
y/n smacked his shoulder, then winced at the pain from her wound, making karma grasp her arm to check it. he looks up to her as he processes her words.
"6 months? u like me?"
"yeah 6 months of always looking at you and noticing what you do, i was so happy talking to you and then suddenly you went cold-"
before y/n could finish her rambling, she felt a pair of arms wrap around her, engulfing her in an embrace. karma held y/n tight and buried his face into her neck, his heartbeat beating too quickly he felt faint.
"i like you, ahh i like you so much, fuck"
y/n laughs and hugs him as tight, caressing his hair.
"you finally admitted your feelings, idiot."
y/n pulls away and cups his warm cheeks, smushing his face a little which made his lips form a pout. he furrowed his eyebrows at her action. karma leans in and pecks y/n on the lips, and she gasps.
"how dare you be so bold now when you were avoiding me the whole month, tsk"
y/n playfully chided him and he laughed before apologizing and then kissing her again.
-
"oh? i guess both of you are on good terms now?"
kayano nudged your shoulder and you smiled and nodded.
"now you have a chance to get him to like you, y/n!"
y/n looked at karma, who was with nagisa and sugino. and then her phone chimed.
//
karma <3: should we skip class and go on a date? >:)
//
y/n laughed, "i don't think i need to anymore, kayano"
after that, karma and y/n disappeared for the rest of the school day to hang out with each other. ♡
ᵒᵐᵍ 2 ᶠⁱᶜ ⁱⁿ 2 ᵈᵃʸˢ? ᵃᶠᵗᵉʳ ᵇᵉⁱⁿᵍ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᶠᵒʳ ˡⁱᵏᵉ ᵃ ʸᵉᵃʳ ᴴᴬᴴᴬ ⁱ ʰᵒᵖᵉ ᵏᵃʳᵐᵃ ⁱˢ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵗᵒ ᵒᵒᶜ ⁱⁿ ᵗʰⁱˢ, ⁱ ᵗʰᵒᵘᵍʰᵗ ᵏᵃʳᵐᵃ ʷᵒᵘˡᵈ ᵇᵉ ˢᵒᵐᵉᵒⁿᵉ ʷʰᵒ ʳᵉᵃˡˡʸ ᵈᵉⁿⁱᵉˢ ʰⁱˢ ᶠᵉᵉˡⁱⁿᵍˢ ᵇᵉᶜᵃᵘˢᵉ ʰᵉ ᵗʰⁱⁿᵏˢ ⁱᵗ ᵐᵃᵏᵉˢ ʰⁱᵐ ʷᵉᵃᵏ ᴴᴼᴴᴼ
ˢᵒ ᶜᵘᵗᵉ ᵒᵐᵍ
ᵃⁿʸʷᵃʸˢ ⁱ ʰᵒᵖᵉ ʸᵃˡˡ ˡⁱᵏᵉ ᵗʰⁱˢ !
#woke up and chose to write a fic instead of study i love myself#karma is so fking cute omghskjdak#lowkey too sad to write angst stories so i wrote fluffy ones and made myself feel lonelier#do people even read these tags LMAO#future boyfriend i dont mind skipping classes to go on dates im waiting#karma akabane#akabane karma#karma#karma fluff#ansatsu kyoushitsu#karma assassination classroom#assassination classroom#karma x reader
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I just saw what that anon said and I can really really relate I feel like there's no way I can like them cuz I'm black I feel like. Weird for having a crush on Ni-ki cuz I'm black and even though I know there's no chance anyway cause he probably doesn't date fans obviously lol It makes me ashamed especially because people are always saying "what if / he probably doesn't like black girls/people" and it makes me feel like I'm less beautiful because I'm black and even if he did date fans I mean I'm like SOOOO ugly like atrocious but it makes me feel like even if I was a little bit more pretty he wouldn't like me or would dismiss me cause I'm black or like I wouldn't be good enough or he'd be disgusted or disappointed or weirded out because I'm black and a fan /has a crush on him and besides him it makes me feel like enhypen wouldn't talk to me or treat me the same cuz I'm not Asian or white like I couldn't be a fan or wouldn't be as important or pretty or cool or even just they wouldnt want me as a fan or like me or even look my way cause im black its gotten so bad that people dont evn have to say that anymore (they do but they dont have too) for me to think that way. Like I know we all saw that pretty engene video with that girl with the glasses and i couldn't help but make it about race like thinking would they look at me like that or would I be ugly abd weird cause I'm black ? Or if she was black would they still think she's pretty? Or would they even put the camera on her if she was black ? Anyway I'm rambling but being black is something I struggle with even without people saying the group I like or the guy I have a crush on (Niki obviously) wouldn't like me or would hate me for being black . Or they would be uncomfortable or disgusted with me because I'm black so it's just hard to even see myself meeting them or *even to imagine myself in reader fanfics even if the reader's supposed to be black because I've convinced myself that the only way I'd be pretty or attractive or they'd be friends withe or date me in Ni-kis case is if I was white or Asian* (*just talking about from a fanfic standpoint for this one* but yeah) but yeah it sucks and
Okay, I REFUSE to sit here and let you talk down on yourself like that. I don’t care how true you may think it is, YOU ARE NOT UGLY, Mirah ~ You’re beautiful, from head to toe, melanated skin, curly hair and all. Black women are beautiful, it’s disgusting to me how society has brought some of us to a point where we feel insecure, undesirable, or unworthy of affection from others. My words might not do much to encourage you, because finding confidence (esp as a black girl) takes time. But I really urge you to understand that you can’t expect other ppl to accept you when you don’t even accept yourself. Wish I could give you the BIGGEST hug rn, bc this actually hurts to read :(
Another point, I’ve seen plenty videos of Enhypen (along with other kpop groups) connecting with colored fans in the same way they do with their supporters of a fairer complexion, but I won’t share any of those videos here bc I don’t want you to seek “proof” as a way for you to feel better abt yourself.
On the flip side, let’s say that some ppl in the kpop industry DO have a prejudice (which I’m sure some do): your life and happiness isn’t dependent on their validation.
Let’s not even get started on how a lot of Ni-Ki’s favorite artists are black (Riki Jackson ? Bro would’ve never called himself that if he was racist)… but anyway, colored people like any other group of individuals can b really amazing once they get past their insecurities and embrace the way God made them. Jst know that u can always come to be if your struggling with something or just want to vent <3
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Heart to heart conversation
You've been mad at Sam for a couple days. She just wont open up to you about her past. You dont wanna force her to do it but it's in your good hearted nature to wanna help her heal.
You were sitting in the room just listening to music. You heard someone knock on the door. You see your girlfriend sam. She lays down next to you. You take off your headphones and put your phone on the nightstand.
"I'm ready to talk". Sam said to you.
"Okay". You said.
"Promise not to judge?" Sam asked you.
You nodded.
"I just wanna apologize for being so silent and blowing you off these past couple of days. It's not fair to you, and I just wanna say that I'm sorry". Sam said.
"Its okay babe. Really". You said.
"No, no, it's not. I've never told anyone about my past not even my psychiatrist. I used to do drugs. I used to sleep with random men for drugs even while working two crappy jobs to have just enough money to survive. I even got in trouble with the law for having weed on me. I wanted to feel no pain. I wanted to be just like a zombie. Numb with no feelings. I felt lonely and pushed aside by family. Like nothing I did mattered. So I left Tara behind because I didnt want her to see me be involved with drugs". Sam said.
"You're very brave for sharing what you're feeling. You're strong. Stronger than you know. And I want you to know that you're always enough. You dont have ro feel ashamed about your past you dont have to feel ashamed about what you did or who you were. Who you were in the past is not who you are now and who you'll be down the road in the near future". You said.
Sam began to cry. "Ba-baby. Do you...D-do you really mean that?".
"I do". You said softly. "Everybody has a past. But our past doesnt make us who we are. It's a reminder of who we were but it has no connection into the person we'll be. You dont gotta feel bad about the past. The past is over. And ahead of you is a very bright present and a very bright future". You said.
You reached over and hugged Sam as Sam hugged you back. You kissed Sam on her hair and continued to hold her in your arms.
"Thank you for being so understanding. Thank you for being born". Sam said.
You smiled. "And thank you for being such an amazing girlfriend. Thank you for sharing what you went through. Talking about the past is never easy. Closing those chapters is never easy but I'm glad you did tell me what you went through. And anytime you wanna talk im here". You said. "Let's not get into an argument anymore. I hate when we fight and I hate when we go to bed angry at each other".
Sam wrapped her arms around you. "I hate when we fight too. It breaks my heart when we go to bed angry. Let's not fight anymore. Promise". Sam said.
"Promise". You said.
You and Sam kissed again and decided you guys weren't gonna fight anymore. After that you and Sam kissed and decided to cuddle while watching Jersey shore.
#sam carpenter × you#sam carpenter x y/n#sam carpenter#scream 6#sam carpenter x reader#scream headcanons
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heavy breathing and sweating thinking of bepo chained up with tears in his eyes getting interrogated .whimpering and trying not to cry but hes a big baby and he hates pain and the whole time he just thinks of how he has to make law proud he has to get through it for captain....... post reunion law seeing all bepos injuries from it and giving him the most tender reverent massage and sexing in the world to reassure him hes Here and no one will hurt him anymore. im ill
ill draw chained up bepo at some point for SURE
but for now - imagining bepo surprising even himself that he is doing a good job enduring pain and that reacting with steel determination came so naturally - surprised but only because its the first time they ended up in a situation like that! stupid alliance with too many unknown variables - if it was up to their captain taking the lead this would never happen....but for his honor theyll endure.
i love how bepo is only cute around law and in any other situation hes very much a proper pirate....he had some choice words to say to his captors i have no doubt
in my head you know that law is so cool and bepo is so undemanding - law will be so calm about taking care of bepo, not visibly upset (he doesnt want to worry bepo, especially then when bepo is safe with him) just Peak Rational tending calmly to bepos wounds. he is weighting in his options of how to praise him...law is very grateful that him just being Strong (and cool) is what brings bepo happiness and comfort so he doesnt even have to go out of his way to do anything for him...they just work when they are together
its nuts that hawkins probably saw the MOST of laws reaction (penshachi too) - when they all were in the immediate danger (but especially bepo) after the fact (and even when he comes out of his cell) law is collected.
they are so precious about each other they are both thinking "im ashamed i ended up in the situation and made you worry/im ashamed i couldnt prevent it and you got hurt, you are my responsibility" so instead of saying these things out loud - they both know how the other is feeling - they do their best to move on asap.
and so he will be when treating bepo and caressing him, say he is checking if anything is broken (he has Scan for that) and smiles so soft and loving when bepo giggles after a ticklish spot gets stroked...
Bepo melting in his hands as usual (as usual!!!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️) its the most wonderful thing in the world and makes them both forget that anything bad ever happened
edit: im dumb and chronologically law couldnt be the one to treat him but im too sleepy and lazy to rewrite it so just ignore that inconsistency thanks
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Basically the Optimus to their Megatron:
G1 Optimus:I used to admire you but now I'm ashamed of myself for doing that
Prime Optimus:I used to admire you too,so I believe you can change-
Armada Optimus:I want to kick your ass but my morals says no,until I decided I don't want to be a prime anymore-
Beast wars Optimus:*smack banana peel to Megatron's face*
IDW Optimus:You are forgiven *hands him rodimus and key to lost light* Why don't you have a road trip with him and his crew-
Earthspark Optimus:*spams chat with emojis*
Animated Optimus:You don't even remember my name and now you decided that I'm your enemy-???
I need to draw this , I will draw this you watch me i will MAYBE I WANT TO
Prime megs wants Orion back so bad it hurts - "I won't change for you, how about you change back for me ? Hmmm?" We get it megs you love Orion GOD 😩
This all lines up so well, and just from clips I've seen of BW I 100% know Primal has done that. Absolutely.
I have yet to see Armada but the clips I've seen its just so funny to me. I have to Armada megs in unironically so funny to me.
PFFFFTTT , idw prime be like "here is your twunk and the keys to a ship , I know you'll do just fine ! Have fun!" We love it here.
Es Megs saying the robot emoji gets him every time made my heart explode I ADORE HIM KEEP HIM SAFE
For tfa No fr I have a whole written thing talking about megs. Like he sees tfa Optimus as such a little threat he doesn't even bother to remember his name. Like the bitch he is.
Also bonus:
Bayverse Optimus: you may have been my brother but im about to send ya TO PRIMUS SO PRAY
#tfp optimus prime#transformers#tfa optimus prime#optimus prime#Megatron#So many of the boys#Mehs either hates him#Is friends with him#Or wants to fuck em#There is no in between#Bayverse is just DONE#Tired old and traumatized#Ask answered
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i honestly feel like i was born in the wrong era. either im too old for something or someone or im past the point of being able to achieve something. then when looking at how all these kpop groups are so young yet successful and talented just makes me question why i didnt do something like that.
we didnt have kpop in my school time but why couldnt i have just picked something and stuck with it? on top of it i believe im never going to fit anyones ideal type so whats the point in existing cause no one gonna truly get to know me.
unless i can somehow pass away before im 50 then i dont have to continue to think about all this shit and how i shouldve done better or i shouldve picked such and such a career and i shouldve tried to put myself out there more but in my age theres really nothing out there to seek when its all handed to younger generations.
and i would want to have my own success based on my own effort but have fallen short in so many ways its impossible to not find something i could do about it bc im too far behind and it does get to a point where you think that it is too late bc in order to gain any talent you have to have done it from a young age.
i dont want to rely on someone else to do it for me but i couldnt do it myself due to personal situations. yet i feel like thats an excuse cause once again all these young idols seem to be ro have something about them that makes their life a success. like yes the end inudstry is far from perfect but thats what people have been seeking themselves so it cant all be that bad all the time for them if these groups including older age groups have went out got success and even they get all the benefits of the super rich lifestyle but at the same time money doesnt bring true happiness and it seems a very shallow way they live sometimes, they have a supply and demand contract with their audiences and rely so much on social media which although i use it im not attached to it and i cant relate to obsessing over latest dance trend. i also want to stop the woe is me narrative but its really fucking hard to not feel so ashamed, behind or negative about things.
the most advice people gove is bog standard like if ur bored, go out more but its hard not to feel left out, if ur loney go find someone, if u dont have an income go get a job its literally never that simple. even in education you still have to pay for it as an adult meaning you have to already have a job but even then theres still means of you getting misjudged for your age and classmates have already done that to me before it wasnt that fun. its like saying to someone depressed to go take medicine to take away the feeling.
idk what im doing anymore besides waiting to randomly pass away so i can be done with this shite. sorry for ranting so much but idk who else to speak too bc no one else never seems to understand my frustrations with the way things have panned out.
Comparing yourself to others people archievement is the worst thing you can do. because we are all different, we all go through different shits (just like you rightfully said) and not all of us have the same opportunities presented. beating yourself up for that is a cruel thing to do wishing yourself.
It does also seem like you struggle a lot with self worth, self love and that is probably because never once someone complimented you for the things that you have achieve (to this point were you believe you havent achieved anything).
Love, hatred that you carry is a motivator, and you need to accept one thing. as long as you are breathing nothing is to late to archive, as long as you are here you should be kinder to yourself. because why are you comparing yourself to idols? I often say this here but when was it the last time you appreciated life? when was the last time you went out, stared at the ocean, at the night sky, breathed into a forest, when was the last time you felt a sense of peace? seek that out. dwelling on what we could have been is cruel hun, and not helping you in any kind <3
its okay to rant, dont worry, I hope I dont sound to harsh either, its just that I pains me seeing you guys going through so much suffering when I promise you all, darkness cannot live without light. just find your way back to it, often you dont need a big reason. sometimes the most tiny thing can be a source of happiness, seek yours !
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Percy can't believe it.
"Im sorry- you lost what?"
"I swear to god that it was just here last night- and I'm sure I didn't move it anywhere- fuck- and I'm tearing the house apart just looking for it!"
"Okay, slow down," Grover says into the iris call, "What are you looking for?"
Percy looks down in shame, eyebrows knitting together and lips tugging downwards into a deep frown. His voice comes out ashamed, dissapointed.
"Annabeth's... uh. Engagement ring."
"Annabeth's enga- Percy, you had one job!"
From outside the car, Percy just seems to be a little distressed- nervous, even. He doesn't look like he's going to propose in less than an hour (hopefully, if everything goes right, which it's definitely not) or that he lost the engagement ring that belongs on the hand of the love of his life- Annabeth's hand.
And it's been a long day. Annabeth seems to think this is a little birthday celebration for him, thinks that they'll spend the rest of the late afternoon watching the sunset and enjoying the cool evening together eating cupcakes. Its far from a regular birthday celebration; because it's (technically) their anniversary too.
"I KNOW!" Percy screams back, close to tears, "I know, I was doing my best to be the most careful I possibly could, but it's not here anymore- it should be in my pocket!"
"Where was the last place you put it?"
"...Where It put it?" He says like he's walking on eggshells, "Look, i've been careful with it all night, 'Kay? It just... dissapeared!"
"I don't think engagement rings can do that," Grover sighs.
"Have you looked all over the car?"
"Mhm!"
"On the floors, in the seats? Under the seats?"
"Yeah!"
"On the dashboard?"
"Yes, I-" Percy reaches forward, deep, running his hands against the large expanse of the—leather dashboard expecting nothing but air until his fingers brush against what feels like a velvet box.
The silence tells all to Grover, a hand coming up to slap himself in the face. "Oh my god."
"I'm an idiot," He falls back into his seat, instantly holding the tiny box against his chest, "Such an idiot."
"No, you're not, just way too nervous." Grover heaves a huge sigh of relief from his side of the call, "Just try to propose with making a fool out of yourself, okay?"
"Thanks, G-man. What would I do with you, huh?"
"Uh-huh. Good luck."
"Thanks. I'll need it."
Less than four seconds later, Percy is out of the car (Engagement ring in tow for once) and on his way sprinting to the canoe lake of camp half blood.
"Wisegirl!" Percy calls out to her figure, legs dangling off the dock. Annabeth's switched out her signature chb shirt for a nice, floral sundress that compliments her golden curls and bright smile. He's so nervous.
Can he really do this?
"Percy!" She beams, "Did you find your extra underwear?"
He cringes at his rushed excuse. "U-uh, totally!" An awkward cough, "Yeah."
"Great." She pats the space next to her. "Sit. The views beautiful."
Sitting down with a little 'oof', Percy smiles. "Yeah," He agrees, but he's not really looking at the lake.
The canoe lake, usually filled with campers, is empty— save for a few ducks enjoying the cool waters. The setting sun strikes the sky with soft, warm colours, golden hour only making Annabeth more beautiful.
"Are you enjoying your birthday?"
"O-of course. Always, when i'm with you."
She playfully nudges him. "So cheesy." Annabeth giggles.
Percy wants to take this slow— wants to be sweet, soft, sincere. He wants to be a gentleman and treat her because she deserves it— god, Annabeth deserves it— but his palms are sweating and his mind is racing and his mouth is opening—
"I love you."
Annabeth looks at him weirdly, chuckling. "And I love you too."
"You know that I love you more than ever?"
"More than ever." She affirms.
"I-I want you to know that, because I always will. And I want this moment to be perfect, because I love you so much, but today has been a very slow, very bad day—" He's reaching into his pocket, that troublesome velvet box in hand, "But as long as you're here, I know all the other days won't be that way."
Annabeth's eyes are with tears shining now, and Percy knows his eyes are too.
"I want to grow old with you. I want to love you as long as I possibly can, and I can't imagine a world without you here, Wisegirl. Annabeth Chase, will you spend every day together, with me, and marry me?"
"G-god- of course I will, yes!" Annabeth pulls him close, hugging him, tears streaming down her face, "Yes, yes, yes!"
Percy's heart is beating a mile per minute as he slides the ring on her finger, wisegirl— his wisegirl— blabbering how much she loves him and how she can't wait to wake up to him every day.
"D-don't cry, please, don't cry," Percy says, but he's crying just as much. "I love you. More than you'll ever know."
It takes a while to calm down the both of them, because they're both busy peppering kisses on the others face. It's astounding on how genuinely happy they are— years of suffering, years of wondering if every day was their last has led up to this moment.
There are few things certain in life for Percy, but he knows two things for sure: He loves Annabeth Chase beyond words, and that he wants to spend every day by her side.
#percabeth#percy x annabeth#chb#pjo#percy jackson#percabeth oneshot#percabeth fic#percabeth fanfic#i just realized I HAVENT WRITTEN IN NEARLY A MONTH#WHAT#what am i doing T_T#please accept this#lawd save me i have not proofread this#gah dayum this is bad#im sorry for this
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