#its like when someone says a big word
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redacted headcanons if they were filipino 🇵🇭
please bear w me and my scattered thoughts😭 also credits to @pandoraroid for the vincent hc it's so real
- when the shaw pack gets together they do the family gathering thing of making the kids have a dance competition for money
- angel doesn't know how to commute (public transportation) and david would have to come along with them on a jeep to help them learn
"davey ikaw pumara para sakin please nahihiya ako" "kaya mo yan, dali lalagpas na tayo oh"
("davey can you make the jeep stop please i'm too shy" "you can do it, cmon we're gonna miss our stop")
- at a jollibee birthday party david would always help the shaw kids win the "bring me game" . that shit is SERIOUS for him i would bet
- milo would overdress all the time . kahit anong ganap he will be layering IN SPITE of the heat. he'd also be called "estetik" and he HATES IT .
(estetik: from aesthetic, used to make fun of people who dress up)
*(kahit anong ganap: whatever event there is)
- also, milo and sweetheart ukay-ukay dates perhaps. . . . but i think they'd both get carried away because they'd be blessed by the ukay gods and forget they were ever on a date
(ukay-ukay: secondhand shops in the ph!! mainly clothes)
vincent and lovely . aircon humor x kanal humor CMAWWNN. the vampire houses alone r so extra and fancy vincent would for sure have the conyo/filipino rich ppl accent too like.
(vin telling lovely abt his first summit): vin: "ok so inisip ko like, paano ako gaganti kay william during the summit, right? so i decided i was going to show up looking like as the, pinaka-antithesis of what he wants me to look like."
lovely, absorbing nothing of what he just said: "HUY antithesis???????"
(vin: "ok so i thought, how am i gonna get back at william during the summit, right?; ...looking like the (most)antithesis of what he wants me to look like.")
(aircon humor: humor associated with wealthy people, priv school kids, "out of touch" humor
kanal humor: "public school humor" , vulgar and relatable
conyo: someone who speaks filo+english in a pretentious way, mostly due to being raised wealthy . idk they always have that rich ppl accent)
- i can't imagine guy being filipino no matter what i do. however, i think honey is for sure filo (projecting) and they wld have a complete filo friend group . honey wld still have that gruff exterior but their walls r down, and their friends would joke that honey and guy r the "nonchalant x oa" pairing and guy wld have NO clue what they're all talkin abt.
(oa: over acting, usually used negatively to call someone dramatic, but with the "nonchalant x oa" it's kinda similar to the introvert x extrovert trope)
- when honey brings guy along to hang out w/ their filo friends, he just looks at them mesmerized 90% of the time they're all talking . afterwards, when they ask abt it, guy says that honey is way more expressive when they speak in filipino and he thinks its rlly cute (IDK. I FEEL THIS ONE IN MY BONES .)
- i also have a hc that honey likes to draw so . stem strand/course to art course pipeline baby (many filipinos can relate🔥🔥🔥)
general idea / kinda just a joke but honestly it'd be so hard to allude to being a vamp in the philippines .
"pag natamaan yung balat ko ng araw, nasusunog ako" "beh nasa pinas ka, lahat tayo nasusunog"
("when the sunlight hits my skin, i start to burn" "beh you're in the philippines, we're all burning")
#if you saw me post this before no you didnt#i may have projected with the honey hcs but we won't speak on it babes#IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN THE LOVELY ONE#its like when someone says a big word#and someone else repeats in a higher tone to make fun of it#because its a word not commonly used in conversation#alam nyo un diba😭#HUYYYYY#redacted audio#redacted asmr#redactedverse#redacted headcanons#philippines mentioned#redacted david#redacted milo#redacted vincent#redacted guy#redacted honey
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something that is like the baseline of amys entire character to me is that shes lonely. shes clingy and physically affectionate in a way none of her friends really are, shes always getting pushed aside and left behind. yeah, she helps out people she doesnt know because shes a nice person, but also, she sees part of herself in them. she wont leave someone else behind because she knows the feeling —and more importantly, hates the feeling. if she doesnt have somebody to stand by her and be there for her, then shes going to be that person for everybody else. something something her obsession with sonic is really just like a manifestation of that desire for closeness with someone, and she thinks that romance is the only way to get that. idk... this hedgehog can have so many abandonment issues.
#me posts#amy rose#sth#sonic the hedgehog#and this is not to say at all that romance is the only way to have 'real' love or anything#just that yknow part of her breaking free of that would also be realizing that she just wants closeness with someone and it doesnt-#-have to be romantic#aroace amy could fit this i suppose and she just doesnt know it yknow. thats not my hc but i support their beliefs if that makes sense#she wants to be loved and she wants to love and she doesnt really get a big outlet for that so she shares it with everyone she sees#also i didnt wanna jam up the post but GAMMA!! this is partially abt gamma she helps him find out how to love and how to find joy in it-#-bc its what she wants for herself. she sees him and sees how completely alone he is and she wants to help him. idk idk something something#-when she was locked in the cell she saw part of herself staring back at her#gamma parallels to amy is SLEPT ON i stg i could make a whole other post about it#idk.. whenever im writing amy or just thinking abt how shed interact with others its always from the lens that she craves closeness with-#-others. she wants people to just stay for once.#does this make any sense. idk man im rambling here#my worst nightmare is characterizing her wrong its such a fine line and sometimes the words do not come out of my brain right#btw this is NOT me dissing amy i love amy. she is like top three favorite character.#important context: im typing this with amy firefox theme rn ok. ok im an amy fan.#she points at the minimize button like shes telling me to log off#jesus christ i just scrolled back up i love to put a whole other post in the notes dont i
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what if purple never calls him dad
#what if the word ‘dad’ is something purple doesn’t like.#what if it carries a bad connotation for them and a bitter reminder for mango.#family doesnt always have to look like one thing yknow? i dont think those two would have a traditional dynamic in that way#maybe purple does consider him their parent. they just dont call him ‘dad’ unless its in third person#and theyre fine with that and so is he#king is his father figure yes but he’s also a mom. a big brother. a sister. their dynamic just isnt captured in purple calling him ‘dad’#maybe his name is the best way they can say it. the best way they can appreciate him#because for purple a father is someone who hurts you. someone who leaves you#i think ‘purple calls him dad on accident’ is a cute idea#but honestly it would make more sense if they called him mom on accident instead. or if it happened when they were afraid. not comfortable#(this is presuming orchid is his mother and navy his father based on the pronouns used in the react vids iirc)#because why would purple refer to someone he sees as a parent with the title of the one that presumably did not raise them?#and on mangos end#i think u can kinda tell who in this fandom has never lost a loved one in how they characterize him#guys. grief doesnt leave. it never leaves.#you just learn to live with it!!!#mango is not okay just because he has a new kid to take care of. i would know this my bio mom passed and i have a stepmother!!!#she does not fill that void and i do not expect her to because it cannot be filled. but she brings a lot new to ease the pain and is a#wonderful part of my life#the same thing here#mango will never ever just .. go back to how he was#he will never be the same since gold died. and thats okay#purple will not change that. they will merely add something new#their dynamic can be beautiful and nontraditional and a showing of how grief can change you#it doesnt have to be ‘replacement dad and replacement son’#its so much more#oke. tag rant over#fett rambles#ava#uhh should i tag the chars
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might sound weird to say as a person with a couple ocs who have Big Horrible Event(s) in their backstories or as a person who has like 3 ocs total bc he sucks at writing and as a person who hopes their ocs arent too Boring with [the thing im about to mention] but the thing about writing [characters] and [people] is that like.
any little thing a person experiences can take up their whole existence... its actually something "fun" to experience as i meet new ppl and do more things. My friend had something happen that she'll be talking about forever. I had several things happen last year that ill never stop talking about, some of which other ppl think werent that bad actually. In the same way I'll forever remember about the way my sister accidentally insulted me almost 10 years ago, it's really interesting and Fun to find and assign smaller things like that to characters...its really Real. some people's dealbreakers are other people's solvable problems etc etc
#(as well as the opposite: Big Event that maybe shocks everyone around em but they genuinely werent shaken by)#though this one is more common and leads to those ''ohh i didnt know that was normal oops'' moments#talkys#inspired by recent me and friend events#and also recent events where i told sum ppl more stuff about Thing and they responded as if it wasnt a big deal. but it was to me.#and also how i thought a part of al's childhood backstory was kind of maybe dumb and not realistically as impactful as id expect#but i saw someone on reddit almost word for word write that as their experience and how its shaped em as a person#and thats it like... the small things are boring and hard to keep track of sometimes#its not like you'll include every single little event your oc was shaped by in their bio#but idk. its like Fun to piece together for fun. to mold a human being#ykwim? wld be silly to tell everyone ''oh my oc struggles with self image due to many instances like... when their sister called em ugly''#or write it anywhere but it is fun to Know and have in your head. and its real !#just like if a friend told you about something that happened to em#long post#delete later#sorry i keep saying stupid obvious shit lately ive always been bad at oc making AND socializing so im learning everything late#but anyway yes. idk even as i keep making ocs that are ''similar'' its like. every person so different#people can react to anything in any way for any reason. i love people#this is why i struggle a bit with keeping ocs to archetypes i guess bc like. what is ooc for an oc. people contain contradictions all the#time. you can change yourself at any time.#ok nobody will read this far so ill go to the real insane rambling#part of this has been a part of my chats with talon while trying to get him to share more info#like. yeah ok you're 400+ years old the things that happened to you were such a comparatively small part of your life#but humans dont live as long and think about small things until they die. i dont think time would heal all wounds actually. not all of em#some thoughts just always come to gnaw at your brain. its ok to not be over things. i feel ill never be over some things#and also complainerism can be fun but thats something else entirely wee hee ^_^
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#just an observation bc im avoiding working on stuff but i draw a lot and post basically everything i draw thst gets finished#and its v funny to me how u can tell how out of focus i was based on the quality of the drawing#or like when i post something and its like ok some of that was good but u def gave up halfway thru one of those lol#inconsistency i funny like that. its also funny to me that now a days i get comments like COLORS!!!#which is funny bc i notoriously haaaaaate coloring. like i will sit around whining and complaining when im home with my parents bc i dont#wanna color. its just so easy to fuck things up when u draw traditionally and it takes a million years so its a big ask lol#but i guess i dont hate is so much right now bc i kinda just slap whatever colors i want together like fuck it we ball#and thats kinda fun. reckless i suppose#its agony when u wanna try to do shadows and lights tho. like finding references ugh#or wanting to draw big ideas but then its like oh god its gonna take so long and if i dont do it all in one sitting i might die#im a lil better abt thst now bc it would b impossible but in my head i still hate it#ugh. all i wanna do is draw. theres another universe where i went to art school. or just like took art classes. and i wanna say id b happier#but thats def a lie XD i like learning too much and i dont have the attention span to hardcore learn genetics outside an academic#environment. and i got way too excited abt exploring the genetic traits of my cyano species#like i can make genetics trees for traits and look for. fuck. i forgot the word. how tf did i forget the word. oh god. horizontal gene#transfer. jesus christ its like theres a hole in my brain. well. i guess i did get only like 4hrs sleep. ugh im rambling.#i need to finish getting ready for Monday so i dont have to tomorrow and ill have time to draw. prob wont stop me feeling nauseous abt#teaching tho. OH FUCK. i just remembered i have a new office space now to decorate. fuck i need to hang up pictures and stuff#what would b the funniest way to put narut0 on my deskspace? idk ill have to think abt it. oh god im not ready#my head is like a handbell. one of the big ones when u ring it and it hits soft and u can feel the vibrations. someones wrung my head lol#unrelated
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my incredibly controversial fantasy genre take when it comes to writing is that you Do Not Actually Need to use high fantasy language and make up words for stuff, and sometimes it can be better if you don't
like. maybe it's just me but i find it a lot harder to get immersed in a story when the worldbuilding is SO intricate and detailed you need a glossary or have to pour over a thousand years of history in the span of a couple pages. i would MUCH rather read a high fantasy novel where the magic kingdom is just called The Garden or the deserted string of floating islands is just called The Wastelands or magic is just called magic instead of unpronounceable words and terms that have to be memorized.
especially for me, when it comes to writing, my stories are SO grounded in character relationships and dynamics, that trying to dig into the specific lore and structure of the world around just breaks the immersion and takes away from the characters themselves.
i know some writers are gonna insist this is just "being lazy" but i firmly believe that sometimes it is the best writing decision to allow simplicity and ease of understanding in your high fantasy setting, and that it can actually make the character complexities and relationships hit harder, because you're not distracted at all with remembering fantasy terminology.
#someone else could probably describe what im saying better but like.#the setting of my stories is the SMALLEST part you need to be paying attention to#every time i try to add high fantasy words or terms or whatever it just sounds weird and completely kills the vibe#ALSO LIKE. its not as weird as it sounds#like think about tolkien. think about how little weird fantady shit ACTUALLY happens or has to be memorized for the sake of the story#like of course theres a billion years of history and names to remember if you want to; but think about lord of the rings; and how#little knowledge you would have to have of the structure of this world or the terminology in order to enjoy it#and for almost everything theres a regular ass equivalent!!#like the Nazgul are the Nazgul but theyre also just the Black Riders. theyre the Ring Wraiths.#the big evil fortress? the Two Towers. the evil volcano where the force of corruption was born? Mount Doom.#the giant flaming eye in the sky?? its literally The Eye.#like. it is actually such a useful tool to know when to cut back on the language intricacies for the sake of understanding & immersion#does this make ANY sense. i dont know how else to describe it#mine#writing
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Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over
Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰
#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually#very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds#like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd#but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga#and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit#and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’#which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road#its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16!#he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control#which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’#so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way#like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health#i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to#be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident!#so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game#is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me#cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused#but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone#like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways#and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed#but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child#shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING#HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY#like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work#apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs#his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be#better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy#and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad#how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel#makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired
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when you’re so shit at Spanish that it literally doesn’t even occur to you how to pronounce this word until looking at the wiki 👍🏼
#though the most I’m familiar with the word when it comes to starting a car [insert all the times ive heard family say they have to#'arrancar el carro']. and like I know nothing about cars so bare with me in the way I’m gonna explain this but#when the engine won’t start so you open the hood and connect wires from the car that won’t start to one that works fine#anyways also very stupid of me considering I HAVE heard the term espada in terms of this series before#now I’m curious how arrancar is gonna be pronounced once I get that far#bc I was trying to guess and in my head I kept going Aron-kur(?)#but like knowing how 2000s anime pronounce jp works I wonder if they’ll butcher esp one too#are they gonna say ah-rahn-kar properly? cmon there’s a half Mexican guy in the series you can do this#<-(Falsely optimistic)#BUT ALSO IN MY DEFENSE i had never actually heard the word sword (espada) irl growing up#but my understanding of spanish is all sorts of fucked up tbh#like the first time i had champurrado i freaked out wtf i was getting this thick chocolate drink and not a hard giant cookie (champurrada)#my parents never said chancla they said chancleta#i had no idea a chicote was a whip until i looked it up later in life. i thought it was a belt which just happened to be made of leather..#saying as someone whos parents didnt threaten them with a belt or sandals but A FUCKING WHIP. APPARENTLY.#papote instead of pajilla (later found out i was mispronouncing even that my whole life bc its actually pOpote)#and pelo colocho instead of chino are the other 2 big commonly spoken differences
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If i had to pick (and lbr you do) between either roman or tomgreg being canonically gay and explored in the series id pick roman 100%. Tomgreg going canon would set gay rights back by like 40 years
#like its still a big tv show they can only have one gay person on it#succ#i think tomgreg will always be reaching new insane heights of whatever the fucknis wrong with them#but roman. roman.#the gerri thing was completely a mommy issues deal#roman ‘for reasons of … we dont know why i cant pee next to other men’ roy#i enjoy watching his torment and quite frankly i cant think of anything that would turn him inside out with misery#quite like the slow tortuous realization that everything his father is disgusted by in him#are the things that make him feel happy and at peace and loved#i hope his interactions with mattson are confusing and scary and addicting and he keeps going back#mencken works too but im sorry that more boring.2 me. ohhh hes into it bc facism bad but he likes when thing bad we get it.#thats the same thing hes been doing tho#now imagine: rome but hes in a relationship with someone whos a little fascinated by him#this dettached deadeyed weirdo who doesnt roll his eyes when he speaks#and instead seems to listen to every word and remember what he says#and who maybe. just maybe. even cares about him#like mattson would definitely treat him like a bug under glass but roman ‘dog cage and chocolatte cake’ roy#would easily mistake that for love#idk not articulating it well. might write a fic abt it. we’ll see#tomgreg canon truthers btw no hate i lov the ship sorry if this shows up in the tag#but theyre definitely going to be in weird limbo forever & ever#i think at best tomgreg will become canon? (audible question mark)#i think they could fuck nasty and weird on screen and tom would start gaslighting greg into thinking it didnt happen#because nothing like. nice or good happens in the show its about misery#i want tomgreg to stay on ao3 so i can read abt tom healing after leaving waystar#anyways!#chatter
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hey uhhh i went thru ur oc post history and u said gus set himself on fire?? pls context
I love this character because whenever someone asks about him I always have to take a deep breath and get comfortable and suck a breath in through my teeth. I treat him so poorly
More Gus lore, because that specific event is actually tied to the very first event that would fuck him up forever, so I can't really talk about it without going in depth.
This is explaining the core tenent of Augustijn's story, which is guilt and its dangers. Basically, where that constant guilt came from, and how it...turned out for him...
It turns out okay. Just...takes 200+ years, an apocalypse, a divorce, and his son dying! 🥳Yay🥳
Tw; Religious trauma, child abuse, suicide, drug use, cannibalism, mental illnesses, and yet another suicide attempt.
So, some background, Gus's mom, Emma, was a fanatic catholic and generally Bat Shit about religion. As you might imagine, this is the Direct Source of both Gus' questionable worldviews, traumas, and his biological inclination to uuuhhh bad Head Times.
Emma was raised mildly religious, but she...took to it too hard? Her family was not the cause of her obsession, Gus's grandparents and uncles/aunts over there actually cut her off at one point, because she was starting to worry them but reaching out led to her lashing out. So, they just...backed off. Emma herself was a simple, homebody woman, who wanted to be at home raising her kids, and tending her garden. She would have been this way even without the religious thing.
But Emma and her side of the family were prone to addiction, see? And religion became her point of fixation and obsession. This could have still been okay, if not for the church she went into. A catholic church in the Hague that was known by all for being kind of fucking out there, even by other hardcore Catholics. This was one she went into, and even her grandchild 240+ years later would feel the ripple of this decision.
Emma goes into church and gets gnarly ideas about how life works. Its a woman's duty to have kids and raise them, to be good to her husband and her house, to listen and obey her men. Sin is inevitable and everyone does it, only those that admit and accept punishment can get another chance at Paradise. God knows every action you take and he does not care for the context, he only cares about the action. There is no "well, but" under the Lord.
Emma has mental illness, some kind of depression and anxiety, so this Big Brother Watching And Judging fucked her up. Especially since her church, in particular, was physically abusive if you did not confess to anything during confession. They thought if you had nothing to confess, you were lying.
At this point, she's met and engaged to Theodore Reinier, a rich heir to a European manufacturing company. He's pretty, a gentleman, and best of all, rich, so she can have as big and luxurious a garden as she wants. She likes him. She does not love him. She's in her twenties and unmarried with no kids, and her poor family needs to be taken care of. So she marries him. Theodore is smart enough to see this for what it is, and kind enough to allow it. He lets his wife do her own thing and treats her as a friend, rather than a lover. She hates this, she wants to be a wife (she doesnt). She wants kids, he gives her one. Augustijn. This birth goes rough, and she's told no more children.
Theodore makes one rule; August goes to a different church, or he does not go at all. Theo really didn't like Emma's church and he certainly wasn't exposing his kid to that shit.
Emma pretends to agree and takes Gus to That Church. Theo doesn't attend, so he doesn't know this is happening until much later. Gus gets all the same nasty shit Emma does. Theo learns of this when he sees Gus covered in bruises from confession beatings. This puts a huge rift between him and Emma, and he pulls all the strings he can to have her church shut down.
Emma grows to resent and hate Theo and Augustijn for not being the perfect husband and child she deserves as a good, God fearing house wife. Augustijn is left to his nannies, Emma hides away in her private garden, fuming. Theodore tries to bond with his son, but Emma's poisoned that well.
Emma tells Augustijn about demons, to fear them. She specifically tells him about church grims, demons that hunt around churches in the form of a dog to drag sinners to hell. She says this as she's admiring her new obsidian dog statues for her garden.
Eventually, Emma goes yellow wallpaper and loses her mind, and is sent to therapy and put on medications. Augustijn loathes his father for his mother's state. Theodore just wants his friend and son okay. But Emma, as she's out in town, coming back from therapy, she stops at a friend's house while the friend isn't there, and hooks up with the woman's husband. Friend's husband was stern, strict with his wife, God fearing, and generally an obnoxious 50s ideal shithead husband. Everything Emma wanted. This wasn't out of nowhere, it was brewing in the background. She knew both of them from her old church.
Emma goes home, and finally having a reason for the guilt that's always plagued her, elects to acknowledge her sin. She drowns herself in the pond of her garden, stared down by three dark, ruby-eyed dogs, overseeing her passage into the afterlife. Her young son comes into the garden to meet his mother, after she's been gone all day, only to find her in a red pool. He looks up into the eyes of the dogs. He remembers nothing of this incident, blocking it out and having been too young to understand.
Years pass, and Augustijn turns to drugs as well, though his come from the darkest parts of the Hague, rather than a doctor. He turns to sex, to crime, to anything he thinks will either corrupt him so much he doesn't care, or will finally make his guilt feel justified. He wears his mother's cross necklace through it all, and sees her beloved dog with every sin.
Augustijn goes to America for college, to Harvard, studying to become a pastor himself. (This is maybe the most terrifying part of him, the fact that he almost got it). But he doesn't feel satisfied with it, has a moment of clarity and realizes he isn't fit to preach anything. The grim certainly doesn't think so. He instead follows his only friend, Isadora, into the military. The US government allowing their soldiers to do chems means his failed drug tests don't matter.
Augustijn becomes a sniper. He has always hurt people, excelled in it, but taking life frightens him, because he knows he has no right to decide who lives or dies, not like this. But he's in China, and he's told to kill. He does, and he's very good at it. His teammates marvel at just how scrappy and determined he is, like a weed, a mold.
The Biandukou Pass Incident occurs. He eats his entire team, trapped in a Chinese mountain range during a blizzard.
Delirious from almost two months of surviving on nothing but psycho and human flesh, Augustijn is let loose back into Boston, honorably discharged. His lingering hallucinations from his Daytripper addiction, mixed with psycho withdrawal, trauma, guilt, shame, the fear of God—everything culminates. He looks up and sees the figure that has haunted him since that one, awful day; the church grim, staring expectantly.
His mother drowned herself, so he thought it fitting if he set himself ablaze.
#ss; alter#I hate to put a word to his specific illness because you always get people like 'this isnt what i think this is like so pls die'#but i imagine he'd be diagnosed with hppd#hallucinogen persisting perception disorder. basically lingering effects of hallucinogenics after use#the point of emma is that she did not ever see past the shit#Augustijn gradually learns how to reject his guilt and view himself objectively#and comes to see how he was hurt and how he hurt others. and accepts that he has a right to feel hurt but an obligation to be better#emma doesnt. she never would have even if she survived her attempt#its like. you only feel guilt because its a concept put into you#and emma taught him guilt. always feel dirty and shameful.#but. she didnt feel guilty. not really. she was confident in all of her actions and never once hesistated#she thought it was guilt just because she knew how it would look to other people. thats not guilt thats awareness.#she wasnt guilty she feared repercussions.#meanwhile her son grew up always ashamed and horrified at himself and was desperate for any kind of comeuppance#not to make it okay because he knew it wouldn't. but because he deserved it#accountability and justice are also big concepts in gus' character. the idea that someone becoming better and earnestly doing it#is better and more worthwhile than them suffering for their actions. this comes up with the Institute and Isadora#anyway if any of you come at me bitching about portaying a woman as abusive im biting#'joe no one does fhat' they literally do. its happened to me before. yall say you support womens wrongs until theyre abusive moms#anyway. fun fact; being beaten during confessions is why gus cant admit when hes done wrong for like 30 years. its a trauma/trigger#gus really is just. 'how do i process what happened to me without losing my mind'#and he lost his mind. but he does everything he can to find it again. because he doesnt want to feel this way anymore
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ppl straight up invent things to argue about online its insane
#the way ppl are making posts about what is the wrong or right way to talk about gerards gender is ummm. weird?#as long as ppl arent saying theyre cis. i literally do not think it matters#bc theyve described themselves as extremely distant/unrelated to masculinity#they have gender dysphoria#they said they heavily identify with the female gender for christs sake. Please stop acting like ppl are 'wrong' for calling them trans#i dont think they wouldve said all these things if they didnt want to be associated with transgenderism and gendernonconformity in general#i just find it really weird and suspicious when ppl are very insistent that someone isnt called trans. and in this case wayyy more so.#whatever gerard is feeling or identifies as . almost all of these words and terms are probably synonymous or directly related to it#i dont like that its this big huge weird 'labeling' discourse. touch grass#anyway. just my transgender/gnc opinion.#saw one too many posts about it and its starting to really tick me off#describing something as trans joy isnt a crime.
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Tbh I feel the biggest takeaway from the hbomb vid isn't exactly "get their ass" about these specific people and more the "you are not immune to uncritically accepting the media you consume"
Like he literally gives you a bunch of keys over and over and over again to seeing through the lies and fact checking people you enjoy/idolise and I feel I'm seeing a lot less of that takeaway then just purely the mentality of ganging up on specific people you can morally dislike now bc they did a bad thing.
#idk if this makes sense its late but i just feel like this was a big educational vid to me saying#hey kids!!! when you engage in media farm areas be aware about critically sorting though the theives with flashy editing software#and the liars trying to sway your sympathies (and virtrol) to find people who are actually making original content and support them!#like we will never stop the liars and the cheaters we HAVE to put it on ourselves to fliter it out theres no other way#the “let someone else think for me” mentality kills me a lil i think#also im open to discussing this idk if this makes sense or not its just been bugging me#very bad with words and writing down my thoughts which is why i dont talk like this often
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i wanna go back to the days where i wrote chapters and oneshots that were less than 1-2k words
#screaming crying shouting#i just started writing the horror story after planning everything out (bc i have learned from my mistakes)#and im only halfway through my notes for chapter 1 and ive written 4k words and i dont know hOW#i think i just get upset and frustrated bc longer projects stress me out for a couple of reasons#and i was trying to keep this story to around 6 chapters and i dont know if i can do that if my word count continues at this rate sdkjfnsdj#longer stories stress me out bc im always worried about losing the thread of the story and it turning into something meandering#and i worry that it will become less engaging and no one will like it or want to read it and it will be BAD#and also im very much someone who just wants to get to the end of the story whether im reading or watching something or writing it myself#which is why i binge all media immediately but when its my writing and i realize its going to take a while to finish in my head i go#'OH NO'#bc im so scared that im going to lose motivation and not finish the story and that is also a huge fear for me bc then#i wont be able to move onto the next project bc ill hate myself for abandoning another and UGH#in reality this is not a big deal but i wanted to whine bc all ive written is setup and i want to get to the spooky#my need for immediate gratification strikes again#writing#min says
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Weird fucking end of the day, y'all!
I've got a progress pride flag pin and a little round ace pride flag pin on my backpack. The progress pin has been there long term but even the ace pin has been on there for probably a year now. I've gotten exactly one chill "hey me too!" in that whole time (nice!)
So ofc it's the day I'm drop dead tired, I'm talking brain absolutely fried, need to get home asap, lay on the floor, and recalibrate type of bone tired. Ofc THIS is the day a coworker I'm walking out of the building with decides to ask what the ace pin is
#It's chill overall but it was kind of awkward and I just feel kinda weird#I'm weird about it much of the time tbh but especially with my brain whirring along at dial up speed from the world's longest Tuesday#So idk. I guess I sort of came out to 2 coworkers today#The first big test of my ''I'll share if asked/directly relevant'' philosophy given being ace is almost never directly relevant or obvious#No one was bad about it I just said it was an ace/ asexuality pride pin#(I have trained myself to say the full word for better comprehension. but not well enough that i don't still say ace first every time lol)#Got a ''oh I don't think I've seen that one before''#And I said something lame like ''yeah its not as commonly known''#Awkward beat. No direct follow up. Felt like maybe I should elaborate but not sure about what really#Could have explicitly said I was ace I guess. Probably that was the move. In hindsight and all. definitely the move!#I bet people are more likely to understand a direct coming out social script than a nominally-small-talk-about-pride-flags one#Not that I really know what I want someone to say when I come out either. Just....acknowledgement? something not mean?#Idk it just felt awkward all around. Vaguely weird. Not actually bad really. Just. Threw me off balance.#the literal end of dayness of it all too. timing really is everything in this life i swear#So that was my Tuesday afternoon!
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Like... I think it's getting increasingly frustrating and considering seeing things like "kys" or "I'm gonna kill myself/everyone" as being normalized... teenagers shouldn't be saying that. They SHOULDN'T casually saying "I'm going to shoot everyone" because what? They're upset? I really don't think people quite understand how serious this is?? I really don't see it as funny or a joke... I don't think any of you should either.
#like one. saying you're going to kill yourself already is so so so terrible to put your mind through#even if you don't mean it#i did that#you understand how concerning it was for people around me????!?#imagine when i said it in front of my mom bc i no longer heard the words as serious#like its sad. it's sad that so many people use it like it's no big deal#idk. if any of you have lost someone to suicide but its not fun!!!!#and the fact i said those words in front of friends who were grieving????? idk just#all of it makes me angry#jaymes talks
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old 5sos and current 5sos literally feel like two different bands tbh
Anon, my love, apparently I've been waiting for this ask my whole life cuz it sent me into a frenzy. It does but it doesn't. Depends on what you're comparing. Looking at them as people, yes, definitely, they grew a lot in the past decade, obviously, considering the fact that they were literal teenager when they started. Sonically, depends on the jumps you're making. Put she looks so perfect next to wildflower youll be asking what happened (hi dad ✌️) but put slsp next the 2011, it works. I joked in the gc when blender came out that blender sound like english love affair, if english love affair was in yb and they work side by side, play take my hand and never be, that makes absolute sense. I don't know if this is gonna make sense to anyone else, but me myself & i makes me think of vapor. I know you said current and old and yb is not exactly new anymore, but I'm feeling the need to tell you to put Babylon right next to tomorrow never dies, those two go so well together and the fact that they'll never give me a sick live transition between them makes me want to scream. Honestly, I think that over the years they played a lot with their sound so there's a lot to go around and they evolved as musicians A LOT so there are songs that make you question if they are the same band, but you can group old 5sos and new 5sos together if you try. I personally think that's awesome. There's a 5sos for every mood.
#do only have this opinion because i do deep dives into their sound or does someone else agrees with me?#like disregard the lyrics#cuz lets face babysos were painfully teenage boys while writing#and just do a dive into the sound#and you'll see that they just evolved when it comes to using their skills#and they aquired a few new ones#and they have to considering how ephemeral the music industry is and how they say they're striving for longevity in it#using some big words here anna ksosmslksoaks chill out#In the end yes but also no#its all fascinating really sjspksoaksosk#you can find oldsos in the new stuff and that makes my heart warm tbh#sorry i have many many thoughts#i was asked
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