#its justmaking out
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god forbid i just woke up rn but. god. GODDD. god. im actually. still tweaking a little.
NO BECAUSE TODAY WAS SO. SOOOO. I feel crazy. i watched jt happen and goddd god he just always finds more ways to plant himself into my head. more ways to make me fold all the fucking time. more ways to ensure i will be actually infatuated by him and crazy im just soooo. SOOOO. UGHHH.
no cuz he literally. i. i was shaking so so MUCH TODAY he just makes me so nervous. it gets to the point esp in photography where i get nervous knowing im about to see him. THAT CLASS HAS ALWAGS MADE ME NERVOUS BUT NOW ITS JUST. godd. how i would do something. ialways want to do something. ANYTHING. i never really do unless he does it first cuz i am scared and afraid. i hate that ab myself i will. never take initative no matter how madly i want something i am too scared of fucking something ul that i never will do anything for myself. (jd how you would condemn me constantly. how you are a horrible tiny voice in my head reminding me i am not good enough always.) I just. UGH. i want to i always want to. THAT FIRST TIME when i grabbed his hand while walking past him and he literally like. idk how ti explain that but he like. grabbed me back. i. i am fucking WEAK. GOD IM ACTUALLY A WRECK HE JUSTMAKES ME INSANE??? god the way i stood up there smiling like an idiot while that guy talked i. am. i am sososo infatuated with you i cannot. my god and then sitting down. i kept pointing u out to the girl just like. god.
u r the one good actor there idk. heh. GOD. the way she asked me if we were a thing after you came pver the first time oh my GOD OH MT FUCKING GOD. the way you were looking at me. the way you kept smiling at me and when u sat down u laid your head on my leg im. immm. IMMMM. i was shaking. so fucking bad my face I WAS BLUSHING no thank god it was dark because when u ran off i just. put my head in my hand sfor a bit. perchance prompting the gjrl to ask. but god you. you make me. more crazy. fall in love with you more. i. cannot explain it. i just i WANTED TO i truly did god forbid you were standing sitting down there next to me and i just. wanted to touch you somehow. THE WAY I GOT A DUCKING PHOTO TOO im just i am sick i am SICKENNNEDDD i. cant stop thinking about it. i wanted to brush my hand through your hair or something. i. immm. IMMM. god. good. fucking. god. “i can tell from how you look at him” whaaat. WHAAAT. “you look at him and you were smiling the whole time i could tell you were in love with him or just really really gay” like thank you. i am. like. madly i cannot get him oht of my head hes the only thing i think about ever. the way she pointed out my constant giggling and blushing and how id point you out all the time. the way she said she thought we would be cute. yeabim fuckinf SICK
everytime you came back over there i wasnt really trying to ignore her but you just. take up all my attention. you always have all my attention i could stare at you forever but i feel weird jts just. youre so distracting. you are so cute. so. attractive??? you attract me. cloud my thoughts. GOD i wish i took some sort of photos of you today i had good chances but i didnt wanna be weird. but j do have that photo of you laying on me so i digress. im just so. UGH. no u r seriously the cutest thing ever i just. i. iiiii. i cant help it. YOU ARE SO CUTE WITHOUT TRYING TO BE everytime you looked at me i just wanted to freak out i love you. i love your face i love your voice . your mannerisms the way you carry yourself. how you interact with other people the way you laugh. hell even when youre tweaking youre so cute its distracting (sorry.) just i am seriously in love with YOU. everything about you. i genuinely adore you. i still cant believe its like reciprocated im so. baffled? im so used to pinning for someone. or someone pinning for me and i struggle to reciprocate. in a selfish manner that was ayden. pinning with no clear end goal. fun but alsohorrible. sickening. he also ruined me. jd as well. as much as i hate to admit when i first got into a relationship with her would i say i was in love wirh her? no not really. i actually was extremely detached from her it was just that. she was familiar. i knew she wouldnt go. thjs is my evil sam confession of tonight but genuinely i. had gotten wirh her in the most evil way. cuz i was off the rails on medication and delirious and i confessed to her (and 2 other people) on a whim to see what would happen. and j knew she would say yes because icwas fucking evil. do i deny and feelings fr her? no not at all. she became my everything. me being in a relationship with hercaused me to fall in love with her. hard. codependantly. thats why you baffle me. i havent felt this sort of way about anyone thjs quickly and in a long time. this is why i dare compare it to ayden and jd because. jd took time. but god i was inlovelovelove with her. ayden? i was also in love with him. i could compare it slightly closely to me right now ab you but i wasnt this crazy. also my attraction to him i realized qas maybe leaning more on a . physical side? and personality of course aiding his case but i digrees. jd i loved inside out for her. is she pretty? of course. but j never really considered it a factor to anything. bella? i didnt know her irl but i was also in lovelovelove with her and was infatuated but it was her personality that drew me in. its just i mention it sm because like. the way i feel about you is like jd (that sort of love where i loved her so much it made me sick. i wouldve done anything for her and i was in lovelovelove with her because she meant so much to me. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE) but i wasnt pbsessed with her. inever felt like how i did wirh ayden or bella with her. freaking out over snall things. with the other two, focusing on ayden more, i was like. infatuated. felt more like me fiending because i could imagine myself in a relationship with him and such. but it wasnt a lovelove thing. j wouldnt call it that . with you its so. different? i feel weird saying it because it truly does soort of feel like a selfcest thing but i like. i love you unconditionally. i am infatuated by you. i have never loved someone like this before in such a small amount of time let alone thjs strongly. and you just make jt sooo muchhh worse YOY ENABLE ME you make me crazy.
okay no more blabbing about jd and ayden (god.) tday i was just so. sooo. no because when i hadfirst gotten there and was following him around i felt like i was beinf judged. i mean of course like im not there normally but WILL. WIIIILLL. i was scared. also me following yoy into the black box the first time i started freakinf out in my own head becauseof qhat i kept saying before but godforbid i will never initiate anything. i just. iwanted to hold your hand. wanted to hug you. maybe. perchance. oh my GODD your smell its driving me jnsane now also just you in general im noticing mtself fall more in love with your appearance too yoyre jist so, ? CUTE?? i could stare at you forever you r so pretty. yourface i just. ugh. the way u smile the way u talk just everything i am seriously. in love with you. anyway your smell gets stronger everyday and god im trying to act like its not making me insane but it is. it is making me fiend more. YEARN. idk why i have such a weird thing with smell im lkke a dog. but god. GODD. im tweakijg out thinking ab it. when i was walking around stage following you. when i looked at you and you ran off. when you kept getting flustered? embarrassed? because i was looking at you? yeaah. i. IMACTYALLY IN LOVE WIRH YOU AOH MY GOD. i just no i cant. im trying not to mention that maybe i am also falling for youappearance wise cuz to me jts not super important and has never been but its aidinf in my insanity and sorry. heh. the suit. THE SUUUUITTT. i. yeah. makes me crazy. you r just sosoocute i want to stare at you without feeling judged i want to look at yoy forever. just adore you from afar. because i truly do. like ugh. UGHH. you stood so close to me all the time. in the blackbox god sitting there with jamario and will and . i forgother name. but they were all talking to me and ROSZA. i see you. im not blind. but god j felt like they all fuckinf knew. AND BEE. i see you from across the room. its just like oh my goddd. nk because you kept doing that thing to my knee and ugh AAYGHHH OH MY FHCKJNG GOD. i. i. you make me weak. i feel so dumb all the time you MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A GIRL I. GOD. when i grabbed you that time and put ur hands back believe me i wouldnt kept my hands there if i didnt get embarassed and u didnt say anythghinf. cuz oh my god GOD GDGOS. the way you kept freakinf out made me freak out mkre and more in my head i dont know how you do it. idk how you think i don’t reciprocate this and jm not crazy in love with you bcuz i am. im just so. SOOO. UGH. and when u moved to sit next to me and u rested ur head on my shoulder yeah that was my last straw. “youre crazy..” YEAH. YEAAAH. YEAAAAAAH. no i meant that you r crazy. and youre driving me insane. i want to do so many things with u i have so many ideas i am seriously in love with you but this feels like a situation. just a little. god forbid it im njst not the biggest fan of situations with no title to it. god jts entertaining though bht i like that confirmation. the title makes me more comfortable. more likely to do things. but i digress i do anything for you. happily im nusr. AUGH. i eish i stayed for cultural night but we had to go i wish in the car i held your hand or something nobody wouldve seen anyway im just. IM STJLL THINMING ABOUT IT i miss your smell. i miss your touch your hands r SO SOFT? IM? GAY???????????????? i literally i adore every inch of you i miss your voice i feel strange sleeping. god forbid i still dabble in those audios to sleep but they feel weird now. cuz i want to sleep to ur voice. like how j used to do with ayden (i hate you and j was crazy) jm just UGH. oh god today was justso. so sosososo lovely j wish it went on forever j wish i had been in drama (lying but not rlly) i wish i didnt have 10 thousand things to do this week and i wjsh i wasnt stressed and that i had my car and that jobi jjsf. goddd. GODDD. im. imm soooo. OK ILL STOP I THINK IGE MENTIONED EVERYRHING TODAY IM NUST SOSOSOS. SOOOO. SOOOOOO.
id put the lhoto i took in here but i feel bad. its for me only i suppose immjsr. so. in love. with you.
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Hey bell!! Can I have more touch starved Richie headcanons in a relationship with Eddie?? Like a reddie relationship. If you can’t that’s totally okay. Thank you
The funny thing is, Eddiedoesn’t know a single about dating.
When should hand-holding turn tokissing? When should kissing turn to kissing? The kind with tongue androaming hands? How many dates should you even go on before you areactually dating? You know, before you can go around telling people that you’rein a relationship? That you have a boyfriend? That you are someone’sboyfriend?
Answer: Eddie doesn’t know.
But here he is, in the stillnessof his bedroom, guiding Richie’s arms around him, like this…dating andtouching and romantic affection…like those things are hard-wired so far intohim they’re second nature.
“You can touch me,Richie,” he whispers. Feels the warmth ofRichie’s hands on his hips as Eddie guides them there. “You know that,right? I want you to touch me.”
And Eddie can see the hesitancein Richie’s expression, as those wide, warm eyes drop to where his hands nowgrip Eddie’s waist. He can see the way a muscle jumps in Richie’s jaw as ittightens, the way Richie’s Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows roughly. And hebleeds a kind of nervous energy that buzzes at a high frequency, but beneath itall there’s something much deeper. His fingertips sink into Eddie’s back, eyesdarken, unwavering. And Eddie knows there’s a want, a low hum of desire,existing there too.
Eddie breathes, “do youwant me to touch you?”
And Richie nods. Quiet and timidand not like himself. Because phsyical contact is something of which he’s beenstarved, and something of which he’s become scared.
Eddie knows that Richie is anaturally affectionate person. That when Richie was a child, he would cling tofather’s legs and smack wet kisses onto his mother’s arms. And he knows thatRichie’s parents’ would scold him for doing so.
“Don’t hug me, Richie,you’re all dirty,” his motherwould say, dusting herself off. “I don’t like it when you kiss me. Kissyour toys instead.”
“Not now, Richie,” his father would say, pushing Richie away. “Youknow you’re supposed to leave me alone while I’m working. Go and play outside,I need some quiet.”
They were distant and cold. Andnot at all made for Richie.
Because Richie was open andwarm, and would sling his arm around Bill’s shoulders while they walked, andpunch Mike’s arm while they joked, and squeeze Bev’s arm while they talked. Buthis friends were not as likely to return the affection in kind, and would, moreoften than not, playfully push him away - “you’re like a fucking leech,sometimes,” Stan had laughed once, shoving Richie’s chin off hisshoulder, “always stuck to something.”
Not because they didn’t likehim, but because they were different to him - not quite so touchy, orphysically affectionate. Because they were friends, and friends joked aroundlike that. Because they didn’t understand that Richie touched them because hewas deprived of it.
(And you can’t blame them, butEddie still feels guilty whenever he thinks of all those times he had shruggedRichie off, swatted his hands away, deprived him even further).
Now, though. Now that Eddieunderstands, now that he and Richie are dating, he’s going to make it up tohim. He’s going to feed into this craving until Richie can no longer rememberwhat it feels like to be starved.
But he has to get Richie overhis fear of rejection first.
The thing is, is takes more thanjust a night in your bedroom, slipping your hands under your boyfriend’s shirt,and telling him that it’s okay for him to touch you back, for your boyfriend tosuddenly drop all those years of being told get off me, don’t touch me, goaway, and become someone who can touch you without the constant worry thatyou’ll say all those things too. (Especially since, at once point, you havesaid all those things).
So Richie is still hesitant.
They’re out with the Losers, ona windy day at the Barrens, and Richie’s gaze lands on him, darts away, andfinds its way back. Skittish, nervous. Wanting something. And so Eddie stepscloser, until their sides are pressed together, feels Richie stiffen and then,slowly, relax.
They’re at the cinema, waitingin a line that almost goes out the door, and Richie sways, brow furrowed, asthough deciding something. And then he’s placing his hand on the small ofEddie’s back. Fingertips first, touch so light Eddie almost doesn’t feel it.Then the flat of his palm, warm and steady.
It’s always little touches.Eddie loops his arms through Richie’s while they walk. Richie brushes a strandof hair from Eddie’s face after they kiss. And Eddie gets it, he does. But hewants more. And he thinks Richie wants more too.
Sometimes, Richie comes overwhen things at home are rough.
Tonight, he stumbles throughEddie’s window, staggers on his feet, and tugs frustratedly at his hair.
“Bad?” Eddie whispers,from where he’s sitting on his bed. Knees brought up to his chest.
Richie drops his hand, his hairsticking up around his forehead, and finds Eddie’s gaze in the dim light. AndEddie watches, as though in slow motion, as Richie’s shoulders loosen under hisdark hoodie. The pent up anger in his chest deflates, and the corner ofRichie’s small, sad smile glints in the moonlight.
“The worst,” Richiereplies. He moves close enough that his knees knock against the end of the bed.Eddie wraps his arms tighter around his knees, sweaty palms seeping into thebare skin of his legs. Heart tight under the uncertain look Richie pulls andpushes his way.
The span of the mattress, with its twists andtwirls of rumpled sheets, Eddie’s deep blue duvet cover, is an ocean betweenthem.
“Come and sit withme,” Eddie says. Damp hand flattening against the cold and empty spacebeside him. Because, especially after spending a night with his parents, whoscold and push and drive Richie back into that space where he feels like no onewants to be near him, Richie needs an invitation.
And Richie kicks off his shoes,and then the mattress is dipping and creaking under Richie’s weight, and thespace is no longer cold and empty.
“I’m really sorry aboutthis, Eds,” Richie says. He pulls his knees up to his chest and wraps hisarms around them. So they are warped reflections of each other, Richie andEddie, sitting side by side. Feet crossed at the ankles, and gazes drawn to thedusting of silver light at the bed’s end.
Eddie glances at Richie withoutmoving his head, studies the tightness in Richie’s beautiful jaw. “Aboutwhat? Your parents? You can’t control that, Richie. And you know I want youcome to here when they’re being horrible.”
“No…no, Eddie, it’s notthat.” Richie hangs his head, sucks in a deep breath. And then he meetsEddie’s gaze, eyes as dark as the night. Pulls Eddie in until he’s submerged intheir murky depths. And with his head underwater, with all sounds dampened, theconnection between them feels heightened, and Eddie knows. Knows that Richie issorry he hesitated at the end of the bed. Is sorry that he couldn’t sit withEddie without asking. That he’s left a gap between them as they sit now.
“You know,” Richiecontinues, “on my way here, I couldn’t stop thinking about holding you. Ijust really, really wanted to be close to you. But when I’m with you I get soscared…”
“Richie -”
“And it’s so fuckingstupid, I know.” Richie looks away, rakes his fingers through his hair.“But I can’t stop myself from thinking that if I touch you, you’ll push meaway.”
Sometimes, words come shaped asknives, and they stab you right beneath your heart.
Eddie places a hand on Richie’sarm, on the warm, fuzzy fabric of his hoodie. “But I won’t,” heassures him gently. “You know that. I told you. I want you to touchme, Richie. I want you to hold me.”
Beneath his palm, Richie isstiff. Eddie pauses a moment, considering, and then he tugs Richie’s arm, pullshim down so they’re lying together. And Richie looks at him, with a sadness inhis eyes, one side of his face buried in the soft pillows, hair fanning overthe white covers.
Eddie reaches out, and runs hisfingers through the curls above Richie’s ear. Heart mimicking the way Richie’seyelids flutter.
“I’ll tell you thateveryday if I have to,” Eddie whispers. Fingertips grazing over Richie’sforehead as he brushes away a stray curl.
“You might have to,”Richie says, huffs a flat laugh. “Sorry.”
Eddie lets his fingers traildown along Richie’s temple, over the softness of his cheek, the peach fuzz nearhis jaw. And Richie is trying, trying to watch him, as though he doesn’twant to look away from Eddie’s face, the softness in Eddie’s eyes; but hiseyelids keep flickering, so deeply affected by Eddie’s touch.
“Don’t think I’ve everheard the Richard Tozier ever say sorry this much,” Eddie murmurs,fingers sweeping down Richie’s neck. Finally, he lets his hand fall into thespace between them, and gives Richie a small grin. “Didn’t know he had itin him, after years of him not saying sorry for telling those jokes about mymom.”
Richie immediately perks up,smiling much more like himself (jokes and Eddie’s hands can do that to him).“There’s nothing to apologise for. They need to be told.”
Eddie laughs, warmth bubblingfrom his chest. “Do they?”
“Yeah.” Richie’s smilehas grown even wider, bring a light to his eyes. “They do.”
Eddie’s laughter simmers downinto a breathless, fond smile. And as he studies the features of Richie’s face,the freckles Eddie loves, the slope of his straight nose, the strong shape ofhis eyebrows, he notices Richie studying his. And he sees Richie study,perhaps most of all, the curve of his smiling lips.
“Richie,” Eddiewhispers. Knows what Richie wants, what he’s too scared to get. “Pleasekiss me.”
And Richie surges forward, and he does.
They kiss in a hungry way, in a way they’ve never kissed before. And Eddie realises that this is kissing. The kind with tongue and roaming hands. But while he slips his tongue in Richie’s mouth, slides his hand up Richie’s neck, jaw, into his hair, Richie’s hand lands on Eddie’s hip and stays there.
It’s fine for a while. Eddie focuses on making Richie feel good. Slips his hand under Richie’s hoodie and rakes his fingernails down Richie’s bare stomach. Lets it wander up, up, over his chest, grazes over Richie’s nipple. A heat boiling low in his stomach when Richie’s breath catches in his throat.
“Good?” Eddie murmurs, nipping at Richie’s jaw.
Richie’s grip tightens on Eddie’s waist, fingers digging into his skin. “Y-yeah.”
But he can feel Richie getting antsy. Feels Richie’s pinky push up the hem of Eddie’s shirt so he can ever-so-slightly brush Eddie’s bare skin.
So Eddie runs hand down Richie’s arm, and grips his wrist. And then he guides Richie’s hand down, slowly, to the curve of his ass. Richie sucking in a breath as he lets himself cup Eddie’s cheek.
Eddie kisses him again, pauses and meets Richie’s dizzied gaze when he feels Richie squeeze his ass a little harder, fingers sinking into the soft flesh through his shorts.
“Feels so good,” Eddie whispers against Richie’s lips.
“Fuck,” Richie groans, and squeezes him again. Eddie’s entire body feels alight, can only imagine how Richie feels. Amazing, Eddie hopes. He attaches his lips to Richie’s neck, feels Richie body jolt, almost spasm, at the sensation. As Eddie kisses the sensitive skin, harder, harder, until he’s sucking at the spot just beneath Richie’s jaw. Tastes slightly of sweat.
“Eddie.” Richie sounds wrecked.
“Mmm,” Eddie hums. And when he pulls away, that wet patch of skin is dark and red. “I think I just gave you a hickey.”
“Christ, that’s hot.”
Eddie grins, looks at up him. And holy shit. Richie is glossy eyed and flushed, cheeks red and hair a wild tangle of curls. And Eddie did that. Oh, god, Eddie needs to keep doing that.
He kisses him. “You should,” he kisses the corner of Richie’s mouth, “take this,” kisses his jaw, “off.” He tugs at Richie’s hoodie. “Wanna kiss you everywhere.”
And that’s when Richie pulls away.
“Wait,” he says. Eddie feels the loss of his body heat like a punch of cold air. “Eddie. I like this…like, a whole fucking lot. But…do you think it’s alright if we don’t go any further tonight? I just…kinda wanna hold you.”
“Oh.” Eddie’s heart is racing, feels dizzy and dazed. Looking at the nervousness in Richie’s expression, he slowly sinks down from his high. Shit, he got way too ahead of himself. “Of course, Rich. I…I didn’t mean to push you into anything…”
“Wait, no, no I…” Richie jumps in immediately. “Eddie, I’ve wanted to make out with you like that since forever. I just don’t trust my dumb, touch-starved virgin body to go any further with you right now.”
A laugh escapes Eddie before he stop it. “That’s fair.”
Richie smiles. “I’m going to cuddle you now.”
And he shuffles down the mattress so he can bury his face just below Eddie’s shoulder, by his collarbone. Reaches out and grabs Eddie’s thigh, palm rough and warm as he slides it beneath Eddie’s knee, and pulls Eddie’s leg over his hip. Then he wraps his arm tight around Eddie’s waist, pulling them flush so they’re curled right up together. And Eddie smiles, pressing his face into Richie’s hair, endeared by Richie’s sudden burst of confidence.
“Is that okay?” Richie asks.
Eddie slings his arm around Richie’s shoulder and toys with the curls on the nape of his neck. Can smell the faint scent of Richie’s shampoo, can feel Richie’s soft breaths on his skin where his own shirt has slipped from his shoulder.
“Perfect.”
And maybe Eddie doesn’t know a single thing about dating, but he thinks that what he and Richie have is pretty fucking good.
#Anonymous#ask#reddie#hm idk how i feel abt this but i finished something so hgfjds#also things get like kinda heated but its not rlly n.sfw#its justmaking out#mine
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#Its 4am and I cant fall asleep because my brain decided to remind me of death#Im completely stiff and my arms are slowly getting numb and cold#I havent had a panic attack because of my phobia in so long so Idk why it had to come now out of nowhere#I cant relax#Im so fucking terrified of the end and I cant understand how people arent going insane knowing that death is forever#My chest feels tight and cold#I cant breathe properly Im stopping myself from breathing#What am I supose to do? I dont want forever#Body hurts kinda like aching#Im so alone with this fear idk what to do#I want to hurry up and fall asleep so I dont have to think but I cant stop#Im focusing so hard to not think abt it that I cant relax#God justmake it stop itsh#This is torture wtf#I need to pee#Cant move tho#Cold#Vent#5.2.2020
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#lately ive been feeling particularly shitty about myself and my body image#ive gained so much weight#just like...the last couple of months#i keep pinching my double ching and squinching my belly and just....idk i kinda hate myself a little haha#ive also been getting a ton of (possibly) hormonal issues related acne that justmakes me feel even worse#and rn i was just staring at the mirror looking at my crooked teeth#i know i need to lose weight and get more active again but like. i dont have space to exercise and i cant go out#i literally cant do/have nothing to do to keep myself active#and my mental health has been steadily declining for the last couple of weeks#which results in me just feeling more overwhelmed/unmotivated/sad/bitter#i wish i could be better. do better. look better. feel better#like. you know that scene in mmfd where rae takes off her 'fat suit'? that's exactly how I feel#and the idea of how things are just bound to get worse covid/money/family related wise.... does not help lmao#i really really wanna do better. i just dont know where to begin. i cant bring myself to do it#also likr .. there's a whole thing with my cat thats stupid but kinda became the cherry on top of my desperate need to go back home to uni#to my friends and roommates#its kinda stupid but ! it almost made me blow up the other day lmao#n e ways. just needed to vent#body image tw#depression tw#im not diagnosed bc im poor and cant afford a therapist but im addjng the tag in case it might hurt someone#vicky talks to herself
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Ugh
#im just ranting!!! just getting thoughts. out#these fucking moodswings are atrocious#and I can’t evenbask in them bc EVERYONE FUCKING ELSE is suffering too like. I GET that because IM feeling bad tha#ts enough but. christ other poeple have it worse!! I don’t get why. people care about me#its so hard to understand and I hate it#and all I do is fucking! complain! thats all I do and I don’t get barely any noted because im not making any content#but I CANT because im having fucking breakdowns!#and i have so many people to talk to I *know* but. whats the use#whats the point of wven doing it this way. it doesnt help anyone#it justmakes others worried for. for whatever I am#its mindboggling how anyone can NOT find me annoying like. how. I sont get it#I don’t know why I keep ranting like this. it feels like im fishing for attention#I might make a twit just for venting idk#I just.... don’t... enjoy life. I havent for a while I guess :/#but for now because I KNOW im being dramatic im. just gonna nap :/#edit!! more bc I don’t want to make a new post#whhenever there is long breaks like this from social life (irl) I do#nt talk to my boyfriend or most of my irl friends and then I feel. bad#becyase I enjoy talking with people on here so much!! and. I just... get so exhaused talking to ppl I know irl. I don’t know why#I want to talk to him all the time I adore doing it but. theres so much wieght of expectations out upon me I.... just can’t handle it#I can talk about cutting on here all I want but if he knows I even think about it#then he cries and!! fuck!! I hate it!! im sorry I can’t stop these thoughts and coping mechanisms! I know they’re bad!#I don’t even cut like that anymore but anything self inflicted hurts him so much like#stop!! caring about me! I hate having a family I hate having friends and people who care its. just too much for me what the fuck#its fucking 4 pm and im having a breakdown. this is real life. this is deadass how im living right now. jfc
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i hate the sissy community so much because it's what people think of when they are imagining "degenerate transsexuals", and so many women learn their whole experience of transness from fetishistic misogyny (well, maybe all women in this society learn their womanhood in that context) but it justmakes me so mad. as someone else said in the post, it's clearly because being a woman is humiliating to them so indoctrinating eggs into this teaches them that their very gender is a shameful perversion
god it’s honestly that awful attitude that has made it so difficult to come out to my parents i haven’t really talked about it much and it’s a bit personal but ya know it’s relevant to the discussion - like three summers back my parents found my collection of makeup & girly clothes and basically like interrogated me about it (literally the Second i walked in my house from a beach trip with friends too l m a o), and the way they were talking about it all was thinking of it as a sexual thing and implying it was all weird and wrong and my dad later came to my on his own and started telling me about how he wished I’d just get rid of all of that stuff and like it fucking set me back Years coming out to anyone let alone them. it fucked me up for a long time because I’d been told that all of that was some weird gross sex thing when like!! that was just who i was like i just wanted to wear cute clothes and makeup and just get to live. it was such an innocent & normal thing that got twisted into some gross thing to be ashamed of and its the culture of sissies that helps foster that kind of attitude and negative view toward it all and it is SO dangerous
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or schweet girls
yes schweet anyone really
#i love it when people go out of their way to be nice ok#its just so.... sweet#like u didny have to do that bby but u did!!!!#idk it justmakes me so happy#answered#anonymous#Anonymous
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Washing Machine Service Center in Hyderabad
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the worst summer: a poem in four acts by mia cool
last summer i leapt fearlessly
from lips to lips trying to
tuck him behind my ear
and lose him in the wind.
i didnt need the wind
after the salty ocean of you
left me gasping for breath.
up to my eyeballs in something
i had no coping mechanisms for.
i hadnt considered love in a year or so-
not even for my own self-
but i know i loved you.
your waves crested over my drowning heart
and the undertow caught me up in fantasy.
you had a girlfriend-
and the creatures inside you,
oh the jellyfish stung deep
and the sharks took bites out of my broken soul
and the eels in your eyes lit up,
entranced me,
and shocked me into life
like a defibrillator to my weak bones.
somehow i could breathe underwater
and yes, i was shocked
to find a will to live my dead existence.
your fine tuned scissors
cut out my despair
but left the chopped up bits
all askew and reckless.
-------------
i ruined my new shirt
it was one of those "save the elephants"
type of shirts.
lilac and white
lovely
brand new
and speckled now.
specked brown from elbow to wrist.
i couldn't control myself.
it had been months -
MONTHS -
and i did more than break.
the soul i had tied together with
old shoe strings
had finally realized
that these bindings were justmaking more holes
and you-
you with your sociopathic love-
you kissed from my collarbone
up my neck
& under my ear
just to whisper that i meant nothing.
nothing but a mouth around your
(honestly inadequate)
manhood.
and then my perfect mask
finally snapped.
snapped into the shape of new parallel lines
all over my ever shrinking frame.
i salvaged myself from pencil sharpeners
and they didnt make art of my arms.
----------------
I cried when i shaved my legs that summer.
i hadnt worried about the insignificant
light brown prickly downing,
i had been more concerned with my life.
what to do with it
what i was created for
if i should keep it
continue it-
or end it.
who has time for leg hair
when you’re busy doing research on cremation?
and the razors i had gotten used to
didnt come in packs of three-
no more pencils to sharpen
just rough edges of my existence.
i used broken pieces to
burn tally marks into my wrists
and thighs
and hips
and stomach.
My mother hid the knives
and i cried for weeks.
----------------
i have panic attacks in the checkout line of grocery stores.
its nothing to do with social anxiety-
there are always self checkouts-
i think it has something to do with the bags.
yes, the cheap plastic ones.
the ones notorious for choking turtles
and polluting the environment
and choking this polluted girl.
those bags were a little
too comfortable around my throat.
inhaling nothing,
feeling everything.
a thousand memories ran through my mind-
the mind in the plastic bag
identical to the one your bagel bites are in.
i dont understand how people
continue existing after attempts.
i guess im doing it.
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