#its awful most days
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I'm taking this speech for English way too serious.
Just spend hours thinking of the perfect topic and planning and drafting it up.
Like, most kids in my class won't even be bothered to write a full speech and they probably won't listen to mine.
I have terrible social anxiety, so much so that I don't even speak in class and only speak once for registration most days. I know I'm going to be a terrible shaking mess but at least I'm putting the effort in.
#speech#english#class#school#speaking test#students#peers#social anxiety#anxiety#its awful most days
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man i always draw the best ones in the art i dont mean to share
#look at baby#im always the most proud of the art i dont want to post AUURGH#that is the only reason ive posted some of them its just cause i wanna show off my favs lmfao#sonic#sonic the hedgehog#sonic fanart#sonic the hedgehog fanart#classic sonics proportions are so hard to draw im so used to drawing modern#today is a baaaad knuckles day tho#son looks awful xdfsbgrfbd
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I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI.
#not dislike. its hate#it made me cry several times today#thinking of how my classmates manipulate our teachers#and chatgpt AIs can EVERYTHING#its so painful to think of it#today I broke down in the bus and cried#idc what people think. hiding my feelings any longer would destroy me from the inside#maybe youve also seen how people use freakin AIs in their exams#the thing is that:#we wrote an exam for which Ive studies for like 2 whole days#this week we finally got the exams back (w the grades ofc)#and ok Ive got a 3 (C in America syste#*m)#my friends who used chatgpt throughout the exam got way better grades (I didnt expect it otherwise)#PLUS#the most provocating messages from the teacher:#“10/10 POINTS :)” “YOURE ROCKING THIS” “YEAH”#💔#seriously#this breaks my heart#dont the teacher see something suspect in the exam?!#why cant they open their eyes and get modernized to reality.#& they KNOW- the students Im talking of. they usally have bad results.#once our teacher came to a chatgpt student and said the most miserable thing:#“youve been using duolingo a lot lately hm? thats where your nice grades come from 😉🥰”#you get it?#no- this peoson didnt learn.#no- this person isnt even interested in the stuff we learn in lessons#AWFUL feeling to hear the praisings of da teachers when *I* gotta sit among the gpt-students and look like Im a worse student than *them*#[writing this at almost 1 at night] still have some tears. this topic really has the power to destroy someones day. 💔💔
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i was lucky enough to be in the path of totality in one of the few places with little to no cloud cover during the eclipse today. photos from my and a friend’s phone with insane exposure drop and then photoshopped to hell and back but we did our best to capture the moment :’) if you look closely in the first picture, you can actually see venus!!! we could see jupiter as well but it sadly didn’t show in any of my pictures
#taylor.txt#its been hours and im still in awe over this. one of the most amazing things ive ever seen#i keep telling everyone pictures dont do it justice but sinerely. pictures dont do it justice#sincerely even. fjskfjs. long day. cant type. promise i didnt stare at the sun in partial eclipse that much#*ph
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#not snz#more musings 📝 / mini vent:#not sure why my social battery is so limited 😭 and also so inconsistent#i feel like i can't sustain the amount of... like continued/consistent enthusiasm i see others giving esp in group settings#i just don't know how to engage in that way without burning out#over the past few weeks i've been stuck in like#a strange state where i can't muster the energy to properly respond to even the people i'm most excited to reply to#which is strange??#(and if that is you i am sorry 😭 i love you and i will get back to you)#i think i can't even like manage to get myself into the mindset of enjoying something for myself (eg. a conversation with a friend)#i think a part of it is the stress from work leeching into my personal life#i feel like i've been working so hard and for such long hours but its the kind of work where the progress i've made is very hard to track??#:( i just want to be off of ******* work so i can work on ******* work again#i also want to get ahead enough on everything in my life so that i write y+v D:#i feel like i haven't had a properly restful day in weeks... even over the weekend i was busy attending to others' needs#i just want a break from it all... but i dont have enough time to take off... but i dont know how much more of this i can take#i remember also feeling during uni like i was drowning#like there were simply not enough hours in a day to deliver everything i promised. it's such an awful feeling#i just feel defeated. like i've felt exhausted for weeks and weeks on end and like i spend every waking hour working on something or other#but ofc there is nothing to do but to keep at it 😭 other people can handle all of this and more#there are so many people i refuse to let down
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#supposed to log good things#most of day was negative feelings and sadness#then. i remember feeling good#and then. tthe good went away#rreplaxed with the usual self doubt and loathing#the feelings of undesirability#the wish that i was. attractive in any way to anyone close to me that anyone wanted to. touch me#that i wasn't horrifically gross and disgusting#do the people who hold me do it out of pity? am i really so awful#pictures get a lot of praise#sometimes#less so lately#maybe the novelty of my personality has worn off#maybe seeing how broken i am#such a shambling wailing mess of a girl#....has made people realize how ugly i am#i don't know. its hard to care most nights#I'm supposed to feel better in the mornings#i don't usually#I used to#now i just feel..... dead inside#like a walking corpse#some part of me wants to make that reality#sigh.#anyway.#im sorry you had to read this whoever you are that's made it this far#it's a cry for help but my discord status says don't message me so it's. probably not gonna get much lol#.....i guess uh. if you've read this far and do want to say something you can take this tag in particular as a one time pass to do so#....i make no guarentees I'll respond but i will guarentee that i won't kill myself. at least not tonight or even any time this week
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I feel a massive disconnect from a lot of other lgbt people with kink, like as a rural stealth trans person ... like the way metro queers do kink is SO DIFFERENT than the way I do it. Like it's a choice and a fun little thing, kink is revolutionary, we want REAL KINKSTERS not your mamas lame tenderqueer shit... like whats wrong with tenderqueer shit and vanilla sex and monogamy i want all that too :') doing kink and hookups are a lot of the time your only option and only way to find other gay people if you're in a place where you can't really be gay in public. I guess if you live in the city you can just meet people respectably. But like when you have no choice but to do kink and hookups to find human connection tbh it's not really that awesome and revolutionary, mostly it's just banal and horrible.
#yall are forgetting your roots#its crazy to me that kink is not an inherently uncomfortable thing for most people#like i have certain things that i watched them develop in real time with fucking horror#ive seen the beauty of creation and its fucking awful#i had a much longer thing written about kink and ancestry and our origin of contemporsry gay culture but i pussied out of posting it#its just really frustrating trying to find communion with other gay and trans people using limited avenues like that#nd everyone seems to have it in their head the way things should be#im like damn man i just wish every day was easier
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I rlly liked red hood the hill bc besides the gift it completely ignored everything else with the batfam which to meeee I’m taking it as the hill has been overlooked by the bats forever (see Orpheus rising) so yeah nobody there gives a fuck about those people and jason knows better than to bring that shit over there
#genuinely tho#I dislike the trend rn of simplifying Jason and Bruce’s issues and making it seem like Bruce was nice and accepting all along and Jason just#needs to get with the program#like the fanficication of that and the Damian Bruce issues or Damian tim issues or even Dick and bruce issues#where everything comes down to the kids being insecure and Bruce being bad at communicating#which has always been PART of the main issues but using that as the crux and lens through which a solution will be acheived is a stretch#a stretch only made in fix it fics that is picked up by ppl who dont read shit and then writers who dont read dont care and get a check#THIS IS MY ISSUE WITH WHERE IT SEEMS BATFAM IS GOING THAT IS NOT AN ISSUE I HAVE WITH RE#NOT ABOUT RED HOOD THE HILL#back to red hood the hill#i DO like them#playing off how jason has always been able to relax there#with a community that has eachothers back#and the flip from#his early red hood days to seeing dana go that path is soooo#what i find interesting tho as that he positions himself as support and backup more than a deterrant#like yes he does try to talk her down a lot but most of the time hes living his life with a worried eye on her#and i think it shows to how he reacted to ppl (bruce) being heavy handed with him#and u know i love the batfam repeating awful cycles shit i think its very interesting that this is one jason didnt repeat#maybe bc hes so close to the feeling or that dana isnt to him what he was to bruce or even that hes just relaxing and thinking clearly and#above all trusts her#most toxic fun future would be for her to break that trust and him to go crazy but thats a diff rant#anyways my entire summary for jasons character is that THAT is what good coochie does to a nigga#carmen thank you for your service another crazy off the street 🙏🏾#red hood and the hill#oh. still no Orpheus mention#no it doesn’t hurt less anytime 💔#Jason Todd
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thinking abt how these silly people never seen yhe ocean
#fuckin crazy#sash oc tag#days of future ends#ive been kinda rethinking how everything happens in dofe#like ik how its basically a post apocalyptic story of hope and revolution#but i haven't world built the insanely awful government yet#ive just thought abt how the antagonists goal is to remake the society#in the most#awful way possible.#while the protagonists want a revolution#a freedom#but wht does that really entail#i want these characters to grow with me in that sense
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The worst thing in the entire world isn't waiting for a planned Talk™; It's having waited for A Talk™ for days and then less than 24hrs before it, the person who planned it asks if you can do a rain check and take it another day
#Im going to tear my skin off.#I'd put away all of tmrw to having my heart (most likely) shattered and now its been delayed to tuesday so now i have to just#pretend monday is a normal day and not the day i thought i was going to (figuratively) die#Feel kind of bad for only replying to all of his texts w just. one liners. no emojis. but im just. so emotionally tired#hes been ignoring me for 2 months. and now he suddenly wants to have a talk and i bet i already know what hes going to say#which isnt going to be “hey ive been worse than awful” which he has been#but instead he'll most likely just say hey sorry i need to work on myswlf and also im moving away and like#i swear i wasnt ignoring you bc i thought abt u while we didnt see eachother for 2 months#and then completely ignore the elepahnt in the room which is that he cant just say. hey im not ready for a relationship. but then:#flirt with me. kiss me. constantly cuddle w me. initiate sex. and then ignore me for 2 whole months and pretend any of that was ok or normal#im just. tired and anxious and feeling so pessimistic. like theres no way up from here
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tennis looks so fucking boring im sorry. cannot get on board with a sports event where there is no telling if it will end in one hour or five. and not only is there no telling but its also the most boring game to watch ever. so like you can rest assured that what you will be watching is just a ball travelling back and forth across a net but what you dont know is whether it will finish in time for you to get home for dinner or maybe your mother's birthday which is two and half weeks away
#so fucking glad wimbledon is over it feels like it goes on for fucking forever and it is so dull. and im not even a sports hater i know#this is not a jock website but i was as the usamericans would say a jock in school...i loved PE so much i love sport tennis is fun to play#even though im awful at it. but WATCHING tennis. you would have to probably pay me real money to be honest#most sports are so boring to watch imo though apart from certain olympic events..golf. rugby. cricket (worst sport ever hate cricket so bad#like what do you mean a football game lasts NINETY MINUTES. thats a feature length film except the film is just people kicking#a ball and maybe sometimes it goes into a net. and sometimes? it lasts 120 minutes. like be so serious. sorry im a sports lover but im a#watching-sports hater its just who i am. anyway happy no more wimbledon day to all who celebrate (ME)#(ridi's) bigmouth strikes again
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I love trannies 4ever n swagever
#day thoughts#just thinkin how i used 2 be in awful queer spaces online#the kind that made nb a third gender#and acted like ur agab was the most important thing#n who were exclusionist pieces of shit who tried to make every identity a solid box with rigid walls#and now im just so glad ik different ppl#im glad im w the dykes n fags n trannies n mspec gays n lesbians n girlboys n everyone whos just like :3 yayyy#bc its like hell ye i can be me now ^_^#i dont need to be treated awkwardly and like if i dont give into toxic masculinity im not a real transguy#i dont need to act like thebest way to be queer is as a cis lesbian whod never touch a man#AND everyone now agrees that the difference between man and woman is essentially like#the difference between differwnt hats#its literally not that deep at all its just for fun its all for fun
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cant remember bringing this up for a while so honestly i'll never be over the reiiteration that jean himself has a bleeding heart. he is going to be both blunt and honest with whoever hes speaking to, but in a way that he hopes will come to help them understand the situation but also does it so whoever he's speaking with actually understands the full situation and what that may entail despite the gruesome outcome.
#out of.#i know so many people respect erwins RTS speech bc its so important but#his honesty to the corps completely parallels what 15 year old jean was saying to the scouts in trost arc and that is. IMPORTANT TO ME#rusty honesty is the most lore accurate name for his theme bc jean is. at his very core. AWFUL at this when he starts off#esp as a scout bc ... so much of it gets held back. just not enough for marco to not see it :pray:#his first proper scout interaction with eren is something i always write as a big regret for him but i also think its good to say he was a#fifteen year old who was suddenly becoming his own and a lot of peoples therapists.#he gets so much better with all this. he GROWS#i was talking abt this with angel a second ago but it's just part of the reiner and jean parallel that makes me enjoy writing them the most#reiner originally was this massive older brother figure role following all he had learnt from marcel. but peoples trust in him snapped so#easily when the reveal took place and he then spent the rest of the series trying to gain it back#( the only character who really seemed to forgive him the most being jean )#whereas jean was the character everyone loved to be mad at / tease / not get too close to#into becoming someone the majority of the scouts trusted the most#one day i will write my meta explaining all these diff characters jean mirrors but ... i shall leave you with this for now
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#tfw u spend the day being catastrophically depressed then u remember how kush1na uzumak1 is treated by the plot of#narut0 and u get so fucking angry that u stop thinking abt how miserable u r for 2hrs as u furiously draw out an idea#it makes me so fucking mad. but like in a way that fun bc its like who cares its not that serious#and when i get depressed i just like. i dont give a fuck abt anything. there is a film between me and everything and nothing can touch me#except apparently my fucking insane feelings about narut0. like im genuinely so embarrassing when ppl irl make the mistake of talking abt#narut0 to me irl. like i get SO excited. i move my arms a lot and stamp my feet and just get real enthusiastic and my voice goes all weird#and i cant get my thoughts straight bc i have so so so much to say. which is like fine. its just embarrassing to me personally#bc i kno i tent to stay on the subjects im interested in for way longer than most ppl would probably enjoy#and after i watched star trek into darkness in hs i was like at my peak star trek phase and i was talking a mile a minute#and then my sister was like: y is your voice all weird? and it was like she slapped me in the face. slapped me thru time. u bitch 😭#this is y im not allowed to enjoy things 😭 also bc im annoying abt it. ugh. anyway. point is i got so mad abt the misogyny of kishimoto#that i forgot how fucking awful i was feeling for a minute. so thank u for hating women so much u fucking bastard lol#when will i post the idea im planning? who tf knows. its gonna take. well idk how long itll take#unrelated
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btw i think it sucks how my brain gets soooo caught up on Dates like. there’s these four specific dates where my paranoia/stress about certain things just increases tenfold every year and it’s. ugh
#basically they’re the four days my dad is most likely to try to contact me based on past incidents#(my birthday his birthday fathers day & anniversary of the arrest) and its like.#they’re all pretty evenly spread out across the year. so i get no longterm peace. haha#today is one of them. which is why this is on my mind. just awful moment of looking at a calendar and realizing ‘oh no’#grandpa max is god? i go to church now
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#work was awful today (coworker away and catching up after being sick) but i got into the garden for a bit after and feeling better#my apricot tree produced its first proper apricot and it was delicious!#and i put in some peanuts and capsicums into the verge#*vege bed#tried to put in beans but i have lost the seed packet#and then i had exactly one vase to trim (threw it yesterday)#it's a bit taller than most things I've made - I'm getting better#basically: redeemed a terrible day and I'm feeling way better now#LITERALLY i was at work till 7.30pm though
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