#its a long setup but fuck i think its worth it
Text
(In)Delicate Touch
Pairing: Shigadabi
Rating: Explicit
Summary: Commissioned by @zehei Dabi has been working as a professional sub at La Vénus for a year and a half and he really does enjoy working there. The rooms are great, the way they book clients is clear and comprehensive, and he likes his boss a fair bit too. But one night a client goes too far and Dabi finds himself in a bad drop and nursing wounds he didn't want. He expects to get fired over causing so much trouble, but Tomura is there to lend a hand in any way that Dabi needs.
Content: BDSM club, sex work, bondage, impact play, safe word use, subdrop, aftercare, hurt/comfort, hand job, anal fingering, anal sex, daddy kink, multiple orgasms, praise kink.
Word Count: 10878
La Vénus is the only place Dabi bothers to take contracts through anymore. The BDSM club is the best in Kamino and it is the only one that really keeps up with the professionals who want to use it as a place to do business. They even have a portal on their website so that professional doms and subs can put their profiles, their limits, their availability, and a secure line for contacting. La Vénus has rules, of course. They're considered independent contractors and they can be removed from the club whenever the owner dismisses them, but they take a very small cut of the money they earn, and the security they provide is well-worth the price. Dabi doesn't have to be scared of giving his apartment address to anyone or going to a secondary location with a client, and V ensures that they are always abiding by the rules by having a row of rooms for their working doms and subs that have open windows, so that anyone can see inside and be certain that their business is being conducted appropriately.
If he also happens to think that the owner is hot as fuck with his hair pushed back, his deadly fucking quirk barely contained by his gloves, and his perfectly tailored black suit with a blood red coat, and getting to check in with him before every shift is fucking perfect, then that's his business.
"Just one session tonight, Dabi?" Shigaraki asks, checking his phone for the contract he and his dom for the night submitted for use of one of those rooms.
"It's supposed to be a long bondage one." He explains.
"Hmm, are you sure that all of the information you entered is correct? I thought you only used silk and no nylon for your staples." Dabi is genuinely surprised Shigaraki has paid that much attention to him, or at least to his preferences. He's got upwards of three hundred people in this club every night of the week and he's never seen the other man take a day off in the year and a half he's been subbing here. Not only that but he's got twenty doms and subs on rotation, he didn't think that anyone would bother to remember more than the names of the people he's been working with.
"It was his first time booking, he might have mis-clicked. Can I still make adjustments to the room setup?" There's only another twenty minutes till the club opens its door and Dabi is supposed to be alone for at least an hour before his client arrives. He was planning on putting on a nice little peepshow for people, but he'd rather make certain that the room and everything is all set up for his session with a client.
"Of course. I can have silk brought to your room." He agrees. "Do you want red to... match?" Dabi's already put up his coat and bag in the private changing area that the performers have access to, so he's just in his dark red lacy panties and the silver body chains with small red crystal dangles hanging off of them. He used to go for a blue look, but to distinguish workers from anyone else just looking to partake at the club, all of the performers from doms and subs to strippers and workshop teachers have to wear a deep red leather collar with La Venus embellished on it in silver foil. He didn't want the accessory to look out of place, and pivoted to wearing red instead of blue at the club.
"If it's not too much trouble." Dabi always likes to think about his optics. Other people he's talked shop with around the club say they're usually focusing on a scene when they're in it, and that's great that works for them, but Dabi wants to be certain that he's staying constantly vigilant, and that he's setting himself up for future clients too. If their sessions are all going to be observable, then he is going to be a hell of a sight to see, and he's gonna make sure that he's got his aesthetic dialed in.
"It's no trouble at all, Dabi." Shigaraki tells him easily.. "Does everything else seem alright?" Dabi reviews the contract again, and that looks like the only thing that was entered wrong, and he nods. "Alright, you're going to be in L2 today," he reaches back on the wall, unlocking the glass door and retrieving the key for the right room. His favorite room actually. He likes being on the left side because the bounce light is a little more diffused from that side, giving people a clearer view through the window, and he likes being in rooms two or three in that hall because those are the ones that people tend to linger in front of more, not wanting to clog up the entryway as they try to get to the seating areas that also line the hall.
"Thanks, Shigaraki." He takes the key, but the owner doesn't let go of the tag for a second.
"You know you can call me 'Tomura'."
"Maybe when I'm off the clock, boss." He retorts easily. No matter how hot the other man is, Dabi doesn't want to get distracted. This is his job, he can't go around fucking that up by getting familiar or, god forbid, flirting with the guy who's establishment pays his bills.
Shigaraki, for his part, looks wryly amused and lets him head out after that, the next person slipping in to confirm their night's plans as well. Dabi heads to his room to finish getting ready and wait for his silk. Maybe he will have a chance to put on that peep show after all.
///
Dabi spends the first hour that V is open teasing his nipples and palming himself through his panties on the bed getting himself achingly hard and so close to the edge, but easing off of his peak to keep himself 'unspoiled' for his client who asked for him to be pent up and a little frustrated. Definitely a streak of sadist in him, but Dabi isn't a stranger to that, and he's looking forward to getting thoroughly worked over.
Jin, one of the security team he recognizes at a glance, brings the new client to the door and Dabi is fully not expecting the blonde man to be so much taller than he is even after knowing he would be from his ID when he booked the session. Dabi steels his nerves. "Goto, it's good to meet you, I'm looking forward to our session." He starts with a pleasant smile. "If we can just re-touch on rules and boundaries, then I'd be happy to submit to you. Would you like to sit?"
"Yeah, sure." The blond only has one eye, his prosthetic in the missing one looking like it's been forced into place with the metallic spikes around it that is kind of intimidating. He sits and Dabi starts to go through his usual spiel, he restates his hard limits, that they'll be using the traffic light system, the hand gestures that he will use if at any point during the session he goes non-verbal for any reason, and then he turns back to ask if there's anything he needs to go over as well. Goto is flat and unmoved when he says, "No." Sounding more bored than anything and Dabi's skin prickles with the first stirrings of discomfort. "Why are there silks instead of ropes?"
He frowns slightly, "During the consultation, I said that I couldn't use rope over my staples. Since you said you wanted a heavy rigging session, I had it switched for silk since that's something my skin can tolerate."
The other man considers the silk for a second before scoffing softly. "Fine. But you can take impact, can't you? If we're using silk, I want to use a paddle instead of my hands."
Dabi doesn't normally love to use a paddle, it's wider and less accurate, meaning partners can overlap his staples on accident and leave him with fresh wounds. "I think that a riding crop would leave prettier marks, don't you, Sir?" He offers instead carefully.
Goto looks him up and down and Dabi tries to look smaller and softer for him. Clearly he's more of a sadist than he'd originally thought, but the pay for this session is half of his rent this month. He can put up with this if it gets him what he needs. "Fine." Dabi expects him to ask about his levels, to get the toy off of the offered wall of them and test his tolerance. It's good practice for a session like this, but Dabi figures,
"Remember, club rules state no impact with any implements across the face, and only light impact across the stomach and places prone to injury. My staples are fragile, so please avoid those where you can, but anywhere else is alright."
"Yeah, got it, can we get started now?" The blond nearly snaps. Dabi bristles, but says nothing. It's his first time at V as far as he said during the booking. Maybe he's uncomfortable knowing the far wall is a window, even if it looks like a mirror from their side.
He makes concessions on his politeness and breathes out a slow breath, trying to shake his tension and allow himself to slip into the headspace that he needs to. "Of course we can, if that would please my master." He simpers sweetly, trying for doe-eyed and helpless.
The man starts to loosen some of his tension and tosses the jacket he was wearing over his black mesh tank top onto the chair in the corner of the room for more intimate cucking or voyeuristic sessions. "That's better, whore. I better not hear another mouthy word out of you, or I'm going to have to get rough."
Not his favorite type of scene, but Dabi is a professional sub, he submits.
///
Goto is rough with him, and he likes his knots tight. They're loose enough, he thinks, for maybe one of Dabi's fingers, but his feel bigger as they move over his skin and knot them into place. He works methodically, not paying much attention to Dabi himself as he works. He occasionally pulls at the silk with an unhappy set around his mouth, but he clearly knows what he's doing, and Dabi finds himself over the course of an hour, knotted into a few different positions, as the other man gets a good look at his body and how flexible he is like this, before he ends up in a ball tie, tipped on his side. When the ropes are secure, thankfully, the other man doesn't actually also reach for a ball gag. He just puts his bigger hand over his ass, and palms him through his panties. He's not really doing much but groping him, and it doesn't really feel good, but Dabi moans anyway.
The yelp he lets out the next second is real though as the riding crop comes down across the back of his tied thighs so hard that Dabi would put the pain at a seven already. The sound splits the air and he nearly chokes on his breath.
"Not another nasty sound out of you, whore. You're not here to feel good, you're here for me to use."
Dabi holds up three fingers to show that he understands, and then bites his lower lip hard as another crack comes down, this time just beneath his ass. And the next overlaps the first. Then across his exposed hip, along the outside of his thigh. It hurts, going up to a nine and holding there as the man hits him again and again with the crop. he goes over his scars, over his healthy skin, and the blood rushing up to the freshly forming welts as they swell, puts an uncomfortable pressure along his seams, especially around his thighs. He swears that between the ropes holding his legs together and pressed to his chest, and the ache of the impact, he's going to pop out his staples along those seams.
"Y-yellow," he manages as he's panting between blows.
"Thought I fucking said to keep your mouth shut?" The riding crop gets tossed to the bed, and in that second, Dabi thinks that he is setting it aside to check in.
But the next robs him of that delusion entirely. Goto's hand fists in Dabi's hair, and he grabs hard to force his face into the sheets. Dabi barely manages to tuck his chin tighter to his chest so that he isn't smothered into the pillows and unable to speak as the man cuts off the other way he would be able to signal that he needs to stop. "Red!" He cries out, wanting to be let up immediately.
"God, you whores here have had it too good. Thinking you can tell me what to do? When to stop? You need to learn your fucking place." He snarls, using one hand to hold him down while his other goes to-- Dabi hears the metal and leather sliding through each other as his belt is pulled. Fuck, fuck, fuck,
"Red! Stop--" He hears the other man spit into his hand and his whole body goes hot with his terror. No, no, no, even if he hasn't moved his panties out of the way yet, if he gets that, or anything else in his seams when they hurt so badly, when they're so close to open, then he could get sick. He can't get sick again, he can't. Dabi tries to fumble for his quirk desperately, wanting to burn the silk from around his body, wanting to scare this fucker before he does anything worse to him--
"Don't you know that I own you?"
It's like every string in him has been cut. Dabi's whole body goes so instantaneously numb that he can't make his quirk work. I own you. It's not Goto's voice that echoes in his mind. Not pain hits his body as he is shunted so sharply to hiding in his room with Natsuo as their father snarls at their mother. It's a stupid fear, it's an old helplessness that he shouldn't let distract himself now, not when he can't stop that memory, but he has to stop this disgusting man from ruining him even more as he hears his hand moving roughly over his cock.
"Don't!" His voice doesn't even sound like his own, he can barely recognize it. It hasn't been filled with such sharp, anguished terror since he was burning--
"Get away from him!" There's movement, shouting, a scream behind him, but Dabi is only shakily trying to push his quirk away now, so scared he may light the bed on fire accidentally. He can't hurt his seams again, can't use his quirk right now, he'll burn it all to the ground and he's already destroyed whatever place he had here. Dabi sobs against the bed, his fear too big and sharp to make sense of whatever is happening beyond his body.
There are voices, he thinks, furious and short, and the kind of whispers that come in the wake of something awful. He's the awful thing. He lost control of a session. He's the one who's broken, bleeding now, if not from his seams, than from his eyes as he sobs on the bed.
"Dabi," the voice comes, addressing him and the bed dips just the slightest bit. He doesn't know who's speaking to him, just that it's not that man. This voice is low and trying to soothe him, he thinks, but it's hard to focus on anything other than the fear choking his chest and his quirk that is rioting beneath his skin. "Dabi, you're starting to smoke." The voice is so gentle. "No one is going to hurt you anymore." He waits but Dabi doesn't believe him. People are always hurting him. He's always hurting himself. Why would this be any different? He sobs harder and there is a longer pause, probably as the new voice decides where he deserves to be hurt when he's already been broken so thoroughly. "Can I touch you, Dabi?"
He barely croaks, "R-red--" Through his sobs. He needs it to stop. He has to make it stop.
"The scene is over, Dabi," the voice promises him. "I just want to untie you. Don't you think it would help if you could sit up, Dabi?"
Would it? Could he make himself small on his own terms then? He sniffles, but it doesn't stop the tears. He barely manages to nod.
"Okay, I'm not going to touch you. You just need to hold still, alright?" Dabi does his best to do as he's told, but tensing his muscles lightly makes them start to shake hard. He feels a little tug at one of the silks and then he's got the whisper of... something barely heavier than air against his skin, and the restrictive silk is gone. It happens twice more and then Dabi is able to slump against the bed, his limbs under his own control again, and Dabi does his best to push himself up, mind still swimming through a rolling sickness. Sick. He could get sick again. He could get hit again. He needs to focus.
It feels impossible to do as he forces his mostly numb arms beneath his chest as he tries to turn around. His vision swims through his tears and he doesn't find the hulking man with blond hair anywhere in the room. The far curtain has been drawn over the viewing window, and Shigaraki is sitting at the foot of the bed, his hands resting in his lap. No, no, no. Further panic makes his ribs constrict sharply around his lungs.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry--" he sobs immediately. He's ruined everything, he's made so much trouble for the club. Oh-- oh god, he's really never going to be able to work here again. He's going to have to go back to what he did before--going to have to take on more clients like Goto, going to have to risk his health, his safety--
"Dabi, you don't need to apologize. I just need you to breathe. Can you do that for me?"
He should be able to, shouldn't he? That's supposed to be the simplest thing a person can do, but he can't quite manage it past the tiny hiccupping sips of air that he's making himself in past the hitching sobs that are shaking his body.
"...Okay, can you look at me, sweetheart?" Shigaraki's voice goes even softer, and Dabi forces himself to peek up at him from the tight hunch he's made of himself up against the headboard. "That's perfect, now I just need you to follow my breaths. You don't have to be perfect," he soothes, "I just want you to try. Can you try for me, Dabi?"
Shigaraki takes a slow breath in, holds it for a few seconds, and then he lets it out in a long steady stream. Dabi doesn't think he'll ever breathe like that again, not when his chest is so tight, but he isn't being yelled at yet, isn't being hit, and he doesn't want that to change. He tries so hard for the first few breaths, but he can't stop crying for long enough to manage it on those.
But Shigaraki smiles at him anyway, "That's it, you're already doing such a good job for me, sweetheart. Can you keep going?" He resumes the patterned breathing, and the soft encouragement makes Dabi try harder. He's already made such a mess, he has to be at least capable of doing this right.
He forces himself to breathe. Each one stutters and stalls until his tears aren't so constant, until they're just a scattered few droplets on his cheeks and his lungs are able to fill a little more. In some vague, dizzy shadow of his mind, he thinks he was hoping that breathing again would make the awful, cold pit in his gut disperse a little. That maybe the breaths would loosen that knot of dread, but he doesn't feel that happen. His dread stays settled against his nerves as those wake up after shorting out to try to protect him from what was happening to his body. Suddenly, he's not just scared, exhausted, and sick to his stomach, he's in pain too, and he starts to shake, a thin whimper leaving him as he looks down at himself. He has to uncurl his knees from his chest to see the side of his thigh that was exposed to the crop.
The welt he finds across his scar is so puffy that he can see it clearly, and it's shiny. The color is too dark for him to tell if it's blood, sweat, or if it's because it's just so swollen around the fresh wound, but it hurts and he needs... something. He can't get sick again, but he is having such a hard time reordering his thoughts, figuring out what he needs to do next when everything hurts and his mind is so foggy.
"Are you in pain, Dabi?" Shigaraki keeps talking to him softly, and Dabi barely manages to nod. "I want to get you something to drink and some medicine, but there isn't anything here." He explains carefully. "Do you think that we can move to somewhere else where I can get you those things?"
He doesn't want to hurt anymore. He doesn't want to get sick. Dabi barely manages to nod his head, the action feeling like it takes every ounce of his strength.
"Good, do you think you can stand by yourself, sweetheart?"
Dabi doesn't know. He feels weak and his legs hurt more than anything else. He is shaking already when he just manages to uncurl his arms from around them. It's the first flicker of sense that goes through his head when he kicks off his pumps before even attempting to put his feet against the floor. Shigaraki stands as well.
"Can I come closer, Dabi? You can hold onto my arm if you need help." He smiles at him as he makes the offer and Dabi doesn't have the energy to speak. He manages to hold three fingers against the rumpled sheets and moves to the edge. The shock of the cold floor against his bare feet is such a small thing to make him uncomfortable, but everything inside of him is already so messy that he can't tolerate it, pulling his legs back up. "...Is it too much?"
He manages another tiny nod.
"Okay, can I pick you up? I promise I'll be very gentle, and when I put you down, you'll be able to have some water and something for the pain."
He doesn't want to think. He doesn't even want to exist right now. He leaves his fingers open against the sheets. Shigaraki can do whatever he wants to him now. He's already broken. What's another fracture in his skin?
"I'm going to pick you up. I need you to keep your hands where I can see them so I know if it's hurting." Why bother? He won't stop if it does.
It doesn't hurt when Shigaraki picks him up. He's careful as he lifts him off of the bed, supporting his back with one arm and the other hooking under his knees instead of his thighs to keep as much pressure away from the welts as possible. Dabi is lifted and he gives up. He tucks his face against Shigaraki's white shirt and closes his eyes as exhaustion sweeps so completely through him.
///
He's not certain how long passes between being carried from that room to finding himself blinking as he notices that there's something sugary on his tongue. It's soda, he realizes after a second, lemon-lime soda. The sweetness of that helps him to take stock of other parts of his body. He is aching and sore. His broken body hates him again and it's his fault. It's always his fault. He should have known better, should have been more careful. But he wasn't and now he's hurting and he deserves it.
Dabi pulls away from the straw that's being offered to him and tries to take in his surroundings. They're in one of the private rooms, the actual private rooms of the club, and instead of having the lights low and a thrum of music going through the sparse bedroom, the lights are on all the way and it's as quiet as it can be with the activities of the club still filtering in from past the door. Shigaraki is sitting on the chair that has been dragged to the edge of the bed that Dabi's sitting on. The backs of his legs hurt, and he shifts a little on the edge as the other watches him, taking the cup away and putting it on the side table when he finishes with that.
"...I'm sorry." His voice sounds like it's been completely scraped raw as he tries to make his head clear. He needs to go. He made so much trouble. He has to leave. If he leaves by himself, at least, then he won't have to be kicked out. He would rather save some small thread of his dignity than have to give that up too.
"You don't have anything to apologize for, Dabi." Shigaraki's voice is that same low, careful tone that he doesn't deserve. "Are you still hurting? I had Yumina bring some of the bruise salve. Do you want to put some of that on?"
The welts definitely hurt and he would really like for them not to anymore, but he just shakes his head and starts to stand. "Can I get my stuff before I go?" His voice shakes as he asks. It wouldn't be the first time he's just been kicked out without any of his things. But he doesn't know how he's going to even make his rent without V. He can't have to start over with his whole life without his phone too.
"... If you think you're ready for that, then I need to know if you want me to call the police." Shigaraki asks.
Dabi blanches, fear swelling through his chest and making it go tight. "What?" Did he break his contract with the club? He thought he would be fired, not arrested.
"Do you want to press charges against him? I know it's difficult in situations like this, but if you want to have him arrested, we can do that. If you want..." Shigaraki's expression blackens, "Other repercussions made, then we can decide on that as well."
Him? His head feels like it's still full of fluff. "...Aren't you mad at me?" His voice is tiny when he manages the question.
That replaces the darkness on his features with something softer and more surprised in an instant. "Of course not, Dabi. You did everything you needed to, there's no reason for me to be upset with you." He watches Dabi as he says those words and Dabi has no idea what his face does, but he is even more deliberate and careful as he keeps speaking. "I'm sorry that happened, I'm sorry that I didn't get there faster. But you're not in trouble, and we're going to make sure that Imasuji never does something like this again."
His seams beneath his eyes hurt and he feels something hot and wet drip against his thighs.
Shigaraki sees him start to cry and shifts slightly before catching himself. "Can I touch you?"
Dabi hesitates, half expecting to be hit again, but he finally gives a tiny nod. Shigaraki gathers him up, and pulls him close, tucking Dabi's head beneath his chin and getting him to sit at an angle in his lap so that the worst of the welts don't have any pressure against them. And then his hands start to pet so gently over his skin. He holds him and he speaks,
"I'm so glad you called out for help. I'm so sorry that happened and I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure that nothing like this happens again. I promise that you're going to be safe if you want to keep working here."
"...I can stay?"
Shigaraki looks at him like he wishes he could pull all of the pain out of Dabi's skin. He curls a hand gently around the back of his neck and he rests their foreheads together. "Of course you can, sweetheart. I wouldn't want you anywhere else."
The tears fall a little faster and Dabi tangles his fingers into Shigaraki's shirt, clinging to him as he begins to sob fresh.
///
It's not until he notices the pain getting more intense in his legs that he tries to take stock of himself again. Shigaraki reaches over to the side table and takes one of the tissues to help dab away the blood from under his sore seams and crusted under his staples. He hisses slightly from how broken and achy they feel and is hit with another jolt of fear over how bad they must be.
"Are you in more pain?" Shigaraki glances at his watch, "You can have another dose of pain medicine if you want it."
Dabi doesn't remember even taking the first, but that must mean it's been hours since the last one and he feels sharply guilty for forcing the other to stay for so long dealing with him. "I'm okay," he can be. He will be, he thinks. Maybe. If he's not actually broken from everything that happened before. "I need to go home--" He tries to shift and can't help the sharp sound of pain he makes as he puts a little more weight on the welts and his aching seams.
"Dabi, I won't make you have anything you don't want, but I need to know you're going to be alright if you decide to leave."
He swallows, not wanting to look at him, but not trusting his muscles much after how much just that little shifting hurt. "...I need my medicine." He admits quietly.
And Shigaraki doesn't blink. "Okay, is it in your bag? Do you want me to have someone bring it for you?"
"...Okay."
Shigaraki shifts his hold on Dabi's body slightly and he sees him pull out his phone and shoot off a text to Jin to have someone bring Dabi his things. He gets an affirmative, and after just a couple of minutes, Shigaraki is picking him up again so that he can put him on the edge of the bed while he goes over to the door to retrieve the bag. He brings it over and Dabi pulls out the alcohol wipes and his salve before being faced with the location of the hurts and how he's going to manage to check them.
"Why don't you lay on your stomach? I can help you." He offers gently. "You can watch in the mirror and let me know if there's anything you need."
He considers protesting, but he doesn't have a better option if he wants to see how these look and how fucked he's going to be trying to get back into his tight leather pants before he walks home. If he can even manage that. "Okay," he agrees quietly, making himself lay on his stomach, the chains and crystal beads pressing against his skin. He takes a shaky breath and turns his head so that he can look at himself in the mirror that's suspended above the bed.
The welts are dark and crusted with tacky deep red scabs at some of the highest points and the places where they overlap with each other. That's not good, but Dabi is more scared of his seams as his attention goes lower. His staples are doing their best to keep his skin together, the sections there so swollen with irritation from either side of his skin being abused that they've nearly expanded past their limits, but they are, technically, shut. He gives a soft sigh of relief. Shigaraki makes sure he's watching and then starts to clean him up with gentle, deliberate movements, always giving Dabi enough time to ask him to stop before he touches the next place on his body. And each touch is light and careful. His skin is cool through his gloves as he opens the alcohol wipes and dabs away the bits of blood before going to the salve Dabi spends most of his money making sure he never runs out of.
He immediately lets out a shaky sigh of relief at the first cold touch of the creme against his skin. The medicine is a thin antibiotic lotion that has a slight numbing effect that takes away a lot of the lingering discomfort. Knowing that he is getting what he needs, that his seams aren't actually open, that helps to take away the threads of fear in him, and he lets himself watch Shigaraki in the mirror as he rubs the medicine into his skin.
He moves in soft circles, making sure to get along the welts and along each line of his seams and puncture of his staples. His hands are delicate, not looking to hurt him any more than he already has been tonight, and Dabi... starts to drift as the fear, pain, and worry ebb. He's being taken care of. He gets that so rarely. Normally he barely lets himself have a minute or two of aftercare once as session is over, and even then, he's usually using that time to try and get his client to book another session while they're still coming down from the high of their domination or while they're still aching for a release they'll need to find on their own elsewhere in the club. But this feels good. He can't remember the last time someone else helped him put the medicine on his skin.
More of the pain fades as he finally allows himself to relax a little more against the sheets and he sighs. Shigaraki's hand stills for a second, but when Dabi timidly leaves three fingers open against the sheets, he feels three open in return against his thigh before he keeps tending to the wounds and swollen areas of skin. It puts a soft kind of warmth in his body that makes him want more of that. He's being careful, he's listening to him and taking care of him. Dabi wonders distantly if it says something sad and pathetic just that is enough to make his body temperature creep up a little higher the touches continue.
He doesn't mean to let out the little moan that slips his lips when Tomura's fingers move along his seam towards his inner thighs, but it feels so nice to have a soft touch there. Dabi opens his legs a little more and shifting against the sheets lets him feel that his cock has started to harden too. Tomura stops when he hears that soft sound of pleasure and Dabi is reluctant to look over his shoulder to see his face, instead watching him stiffen over him in the mirror. A sharper fear goes through him. He wasn't supposed to make any noises, was he? Is he going to be hit again?
"Does that feel better, baby boy?" Tomura's voice is a little thicker, lower, and his fingers trail from the inside of his thighs along to the outer edge so that he's not touching any hurts anymore. And he puts two fingers against Dabi's skin, waiting.
Is this a scene? Could it be? Dabi wants to take away the unpleasantness still echoing around in him from what came before. But... he doesn't know if he'll be allowed that, even when it's Shigaraki's collar looped around his neck. "...Yes, Sir. More?" He chances, keeping his hand as is.
"Of course baby, just have to tell me if there's anything you don't like." He strokes along his thighs again, and Dabi watches in the mirror as he goes from just trailing two fingers over his skin, to both of his palms open, the soft leather touching his seams and healthy skin. This touch goes between his legs, up a little higher, light and good. A nice touch after the angry ones, and Dabi lets out a tiny sigh. "Does that feel nice, sweetheart?"
He tucks his face into the sheets, giving up on the mirror, and manages a nod against them. Dabi doesn't normally get to be soft after something so rough, but the contrast feels so good. Like it's putting fluff around all the hurts that were written into his soul and skin. He shifts and Tomura's hands immediately retreat, but Dabi only wanted to push up a little, getting his knees a little more under him so that he would be able to lift his hips slightly as he starts to get harder, and to spread his legs a little more.
"Good boy," Tomura murmurs, his hands going back to his skin and tracing circles up his thighs, deeper between them. He goes higher, but not where Dabi wants them. He wants something that feels good now. Tomura's already made things so much better. He can take away the last sharp bits of unhappiness in him, he knows he can. "You just have to show me what you need, baby boy, I'll give you anything." And he sounds a little breathless as he speaks.
It makes the neediness in him go a little hotter and he makes himself let go of the sheets so that he can reach back and find Tomura's arm. He hooks his fingers in the edge of his gloves and feels his face go hot as he pulls at him. He lets his arm be moved and Dabi brings it further between his legs, until his fingers are grazing the edge of his panties. Tomura takes over from there and Dabi is holding onto the sheets again as he moves his fingers lightly over his covered balls and up to his hardening cock.
"You want to feel good, sweetheart?" His voice going hotter.
Dabi manages a little nod, still certain he won't be allowed that after before.
Tomura's fingers stroke up his cock, cupping him through the lace as he hums softly. "I can do that, baby boy, but I need you to move for me." His hand retreats and Dabi wants it back, so he lets Tomura get him onto his back, and Dabi is confronted with the sight of himself in the ceiling mirror. His face is flushed and still a little blotchy from crying. He looks dazed as the chains glitter in the light of the room, his legs spread wide, knees bent to keep the worst of the welts from touching the bed. And his cock is hard and stretching his panties. Tomura moves between his spread legs, leaning over him carefully and blocking his view in the mirror. And there's not a trace of cruelty in his look. His eyes are warm and he's smiling at Dabi softly. "Can I take off your panties, sweetheart? I want to make your pretty cock feel good."
Dabi bites his lip and nods.
"Can I hear your color? It will make me feel better if I know you're using them." He asks, reaching to cup his cheek and stroke his thumb just under one of his aching seams.
"Green, Sir."
"Good. But you don't have to call me that, baby boy. I can be whatever you need from me right now. What do you want, sweetheart?"
He wants to be safe. He wants to feel good. He wants the softness and sweetness that he never gets, let alone after something bad has happened. And he wants to be small in the wake of that. "Daddy," he whispers, his face going so hot with his shame, terrified that he can't have this either.
Tomura's smile makes his eyes warm too as he leans over him, his hand shifting so that he can push his hair from his forehead. The kiss he presses there feels like a balm as much as his medicine did against his hurts. "You're doing such a good job for me, baby boy. Lift your hips a little more."
He does and Tomura makes sure the thin fabric doesn't rub against any of the welts as he pulls his panties down his legs. Dabi kicks out of them when they're low enough and then he chances reaching for Tomura, getting one hand in his hair that is as thick and soft as he's always wondered. He lets himself be pulled up, but when Dabi wants a hard, messy kiss to reassure him that this is something he can have, he's instead given one that is so soft and achingly tender that it makes him breathless. His whole body gets a little warmer as Tomura kisses him, his hands moving lightly over his skin, stroking up his thighs before he shifts over him.
Dabi almost whines, but he feels him reaching and hears the rustle of plastic as he finds the bowl on the side table that holds the variety of lubes that are in every room for the club-goers' use. Tomura picks one at random and brings his other hand up to tear it open, and when he wraps his hand around Dabi's length, his glove glides across his skin and makes Dabi's toes curl with pleasure. The touch there, after the pain from before, after denying himself even earlier, makes him gasp, wrapping his arms around Tomura's neck to keep him close as he touches him.
He moans, his hips moving, trying to get more of that good sensation after a night of bad. "Daddy," he pleads.
"I've got you, baby boy." He murmurs, pressing a kiss softly to the seam aching under one of his eyes. His fingers move over him, making sure to rub along his ladder and around his head, bringing Dabi's pleasure higher. He whimpers when he tightens his thighs around Daddy's hips and it makes his hurts ache a little. But he doesn't have to hurt for long. Tomura immediately shifts so that he has one hand under his hip, lifting Dabi's weight a bit and moving it higher on his back, making sure that none of the welts are rubbing against the sheets and that he doesn't have to try to get him closer, not when he's holding onto him, his legs supporting his lower half. And letting him feel Daddy's cock is getting hard too where it's pressed against him.
Tomura doesn't pay his own arousal any attention, his hand moving deliberately over Dabi's cock, searching and finding every place that makes his pleasure sharper. His body is already so exhausted from the night, that it's not hard for him to get lost in the feelings, for his head to start to float into that soft good space that makes him love being a sub. And when he moans and tries to move into the pleasure, he doesn't get yelled at, he doesn't get hurt, instead Daddy gives him more kisses.
"There, you're doing such a good job, baby boy. I'm so happy that you're letting me help you feel good, sweetheart. You're so pretty when you're blushing like this." And the words put more of that needy, squirmy heat in him through the heavy fog rolling in. He twists his wrist as he strokes him and Dabi moans loudly, hips jumping up into the touch. Daddy sees how much he likes that and he keeps doing it on each stroke, making him shiver and tremble, moans spilling off his lips and his fingers tugging at Daddy's suit jacket as his cock leaks.
It only takes a few more of those tight, perfect strokes before Dabi's back is arching again, smoke curling out of his throat, as he cums, spilling all over Daddy's hand and his own stomach. He gasps, trembling against the sheets as that bliss soaks through his veins and leaves him absolutely boneless.
"Perfect, baby boy. You did such a good job for me. I'm so proud of you, precious." He starts to shift, reaching for another wipe to clean him up and even floating, Dabi knows he doesn't want to get cleaned up yet. He doesn't want to stop. He wants Daddy to make him feel so good that he doesn't even remember the welts against his thighs.
"Daddy," Tomura pauses and Dabi struggles to find more words, "More? Please?" He tries to be careful, making sure to only put pressure on the inside of his thighs as he tightens them around Tomura's hips. And then he rolls his hips down, breathless when he feels how big and hard Daddy's cock is.
"Are you sure, sweetheart? All I want is to take care of you. We don't need to do anything else." He reassures him, pressing a kiss to his temple.
Dabi knots his fingers in his jacket a little tighter and pulls at it, nodding. "Green. Please, Daddy?"
"Of course, precious. But if you change your mind, if you don't like something, all you have to do is tell me, and then we'll be all done, okay?"
"Mmhm," he mumbles, pulling at his shirt again.
Tomura gives him another kiss, and then only partially disappoints Dabi because he does have to move away if he wants to strip himself of his clothes, the fabric getting tossed item by item onto the chair until he's only wearing his gloves. Only what he needs to make certain that Dabi is safe before he moves back between his legs and kisses his lips again. Dabi loses himself in that, his hands now getting to move over all of the pretty pale muscles that have been hiding under his clothes.
Daddy's hands move over his skin too, touching his chest, pushing his chains out of the way so that he can play with the rings through his nipples, and over his sides, down his stomach, up his thighs. He goes slowly, his mouth going across Dabi's jaw and along his neck and collar bones, looking for places that make Dabi's skin go warm again. When his hands go lower he opens his legs wider, when his fingers, slick again from more lube touch him tentatively, he gasps, "Green," again before they start to move against him.
He has to keep one arm around the back of his neck, still scared of being tossed aside while he's getting so close to the perfect floaty place he rarely ever gets to find, but the other knots back against the sheets, needing something else to hold onto. Whimpers and moans spill past his lips as Daddy circles his hole until those nerves are prickling with need. When his first finger presses in he feels gone, as the pleasure aches through him as his cock starts to harden again.
Tomura opens him up with the same deliberate, gentle movements as he did to soothe his hurts and by the time he has three inside of him, moving against his prostate, he is near tears again from how good he feels this time. "Tomura!" He can't help the sounds spilling from him, his cock pressing against his stomach and drooling fresh pre from how needy every touch is making him. "Tomura, Daddy, please, please!" His nails bite into the sheets and the back of his neck. "Please, I want it, please, want your cock."
"I'm going to give it to you, precious, just have to wait a little longer." Tomura gives him another kiss before he shifts again, pulling a condom from the bowl of them and Dabi waits with breathless impatience for him to get it on before he's pulling him back in, and shifting to help him line up. His head rubs against his hole as Tomura untangles his fingers from the sheets, catching that hand and threading their fingers together. Before he can feel overwhelmed from the tenderness of that action, he starts to press inside and Dabi is lost in the stretch of him inside.
It feels like it takes an eternity for him to be so deliciously, perfectly full. Tomura presses more soft kisses across his face as Dabi pants and whimpers, every breath makes his nerves sing like his whole body is trying to make up for the agony from earlier by amplifying every flicker of pleasure. He's hazy with it as he demands, "Green, Daddy," when he can't possibly stand to wait a second longer for it to get even better.
Tomura breathes a laugh against his skin, leaning back just enough so that Dabi can see him smile. See his pretty eyes looking at him like he's the whole world. "Okay, baby boy, but you know what to say if it's too much?" He nods weakly and Tomura gives him another kiss as he starts to move.
Dabi has never had sex like this before. He has never been so deep in the cloud of his subspace, never been touched like he was something precious. He has never had someone moving inside of his body, doing everything they could to make him feel good the way Tomura is. He makes sure that he's rubbing against his prostate, going at a slow, deliberate pace that keeps from putting any hard pressure against his seams or bruises, and he doesn't lose his patience with that. He keeps fucking Dabi so carefully instead of chasing his own pleasure, and he looks at him, holds his hand, like this is all he needs. Like seeing Dabi falling apart under him is all he could ever need in the world. Like he's not a burden, not an inconvenience, not an employee, but something... precious. It all makes his head so messy in such a different way than before that Dabi is smoking again as his quirk heightens alongside his pleasure.
He is so hazy that he doesn't know how long Tomura is moving with him, kissing him, his hand tightening against Dabi's as they both build their ecstasy higher and higher. But Daddy's fucking him slow, so it must be a while. He doesn't know if it matters though, because when his cock starts to ache again, his balls going so tight, and just before his orgasm pulses through him again, he finds himself squeezing their interlocked hands together a little tighter.
"Tomura," his name is a gasp and he's not expecting the other to whisper back,
"Dabi," like he's the most important thing in the world. He really doesn't mean for that to push him over the edge, his body thrumming with pleasure that goes even higher as Tomura bottoms out inside of him as they cum together. Dabi doesn't think he's ever managed that with a partner either, but his fog is far too thick for him to care as Tomura captures his lips in another all-consuming kiss.
///
They lay in bed together for a while, Tomura pressing more kisses and praise into his skin until Dabi stops trembling with his pleasure. Until his fog rolls back from his mind and after the night he's had, all he can do is feel exhausted. Tomura didn't bother taking off his watch when he was getting ready to fuck him, so Dabi catches the edge of his glove and pulls on it so he can see the time.
"Fucking hell--" he starts to sit up out of the circle of the other's embrace as he realizes it's dawn. He started his session at eleven. "God, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to--" His stomach sinks. Fuck, fuck, he cause so much trouble for the club tonight and then he'd fucking slept with his boss.
"You don't have anything to apologize for, Dabi." Tomura tells him immediately in the same even tone as he did before, with the same warmth in his eyes. "Are you feeling better?"
He hesitates, taking stock of himself now that his head doesn't feel nearly as out of sorts as he had since he dropped. "Yeah... thanks for taking care of me."
"Of course--"
"No," he pushes a little harder, straightening his spine. "You didn't have to do that. You could have left me to deal with it myself, you could have called the cops and let me come down barely-clothed in a police station. But you made sure to take care of me here, and treated the bruises. Thank you."
Tomura doesn't dismiss the words this time. "...You're welcome, Dabi. Is there anything else that you need?"
"A shower, breakfast I guess, and the patience to deal with cops and heroes for a couple of hours if I decide to report that douchebag for assault."
Shigaraki's expression darkens. "This room has a bathroom attached. If you want to go clean up, I can go get your day clothes from your locker and bring them in for you. I can't offer much as far as food goes, but I might be able to help ease the stress of the last part."
Has Goto been held here the whole time? He'd asked if he wanted to go to the police earlier, but Dabi hadn't been thinking clearly enough to put that statement into any more context. "Okay." Tomura hesitates a second, and then leans in and presses another kiss to his forehead.
"I'll be right back, firefly."
///
Dabi goes and takes a shower, and by the time he's finished and dried with the towels that smell sharply of the detergent used to make sure they're clean, Tomura is all buttoned up again and Dabi's day clothes are waiting for him along with another soda, bottle of water, and a bottle of Tylenol. He takes the pain meds, downs the water, and dresses. If he goes to report this then it's going to be a long fucking day to start without a lick of sleep. He should have asked for an espresso martini, though he doubts that any of the bartenders are even still here.
When he's dressed, white t-shirt, leather pants, leather duster, boots, and his backpack with his medicine, heels, and club clothes inside, he figures there's no putting this off anymore.
"Okay, let's deal with this fuckwit." He says with more bravo than he feels.
"If anything is too much, you just have to say the word, and I'll deal with it, Dabi."
"I appreciate that, Shig, but you can only fix so much."
Tomura doesn't stall anymore and they leave the private rooms, going through the main area of the club. It's not that unusual for Dabi to be leaving after closing, but it's definitely later than he usually leaves. He's never seen the club completely empty, even the janitorial staff having finished for the day and abandoned it. They go out of the main area and into the hallway of red rooms, and Dabi startles to find the second room on the left has been roped off with velvet barriers because the glass is gone. Dabi pauses, staring at that gaping nothing that's letting him see that the room has been thoroughly cleaned and reset even though he doubts anyone will be using it until the glass is back in place.
"What happened?" He doesn't remember hearing any glass break.
"I was in the main room when I noticed the commotion. I didn't want to lose time by running around to the back hallway."
"You broke the window?"
"No," he says, continuing to move down the hall. "That could have sprayed you with glass. I decayed it."
"You're insane." Dabi barely manages to say through his thick throat.
"When I took over this club I said I would make it a safe place for everyone who comes to indulge. I'm not about to let one of my staff, one of my best members of staff, get hurt here." They leave the hall and Dabi doesn't know what to say to that, so he chooses to remain silent.
Tomura takes him down the service elevator, unlocking the buttons that lead to the basement level with a key and Dabi is a little concerned. He didn't know anyone ever went to the basement levels for anything. But once the elevator is moving again, he reaches back for Dabi's hand and laces their fingers together again, bringing them up so that he can press a kiss to Dabi's knuckles. It puts a warmth, a comfort in his stomach that he's never had the luxury of before. They take the long ride down and when the doors open, Dabi finds the winding pipes and cords that he expected of a place that holds the guts of the skyscraper. Tomura coaxes him out into that tangle of piping, and Dabi follows carefully behind, his quirk sitting hotter under his skin.
He's led around two corners before they reach a doorway that Tomura knocks on once. He hears a couple of locks being thrown and then the door opens-- revealing Jin, who sees him and immediately breaks into a smile.
"Hey, Dabs, you doing better?"
"...Yeah." He wants to ask what exactly is going on, but the other man moves out of the way so that they can see into the room and Dabi bristles, smoke getting trapped behind his teeth as he sees Goto, a gag in his mouth, and his arms cuffed behind him with dampeners where he is strapped to a metal chair that's been bolted to the ground. "What--" Tomura pulls him into the room gently with their entwined hands.
"Like I said before, we can call the police if you want us to. You have a written contract and a lot of eye-witnesses that will prove that he was in violation of that." He lets go of Dabi's hand to go over to Goto. The other is glaring, his teeth bared as much as they can be around his gag, and Dabi notices that part of his arm is gone. The cuffs are hooked above his elbows because on the right side, everything from the forearm down is gone. And Dabi sees a dangerous thing in Tomura's neutral expression as he takes off his glove, resting four fingers against the back of the chair. "Or we can take care of this now."
"'Take care of' how?" But the coldness already starting in his gut is answer enough.
"My quirk doesn't leave anything behind for anyone to find. There isn't even DNA in the dust." He doesn't say it outright, but there's no mistaking this proposal for anything but what it is. And immediately Dabi thinks he should be scared. For as gentle and caring as Tomura just was with him, he can and has, apparently, killed people before. He is dangerous. But he is watching Dabi with that tentativeness from before. Trying to make certain, he thinks, that Dabi is alright just like he has all night. "Jin already sent a double on his way with both arms intact. He can go around living his life until he gets hurt and when that happens, there will be nothing to trace it back to you. You'll be safe, Dabi. No matter what." He promises.
He'll be safe, he thinks, even if they do go to the cops. He'll be safe, have a club full of witnesses, and his contract-- and he knows that they still won't care. Muscular will get a slap on the wrist, if anything, and then the next time he wants to get his rocks off, he'll go find someone else who isn't in a club full of people who care about what happens to each other. He'll find someone desperate, helpless, and alone, and he'll go further than he could with Dabi-- if he hasn't done that already. "...Your quirk works on anything?"
"As far as I'm aware." He replies evenly.
Dabi takes a step forward and Tomura waits. Goto glares at him with his one working eye. Looks at Dabi like he can't understand how someone as low as him could possibly warrant anyone bothering to care about what happens to him at all. It makes that shattered thing inside of him sharpen into something with teeth. He reaches for his face, a flame already in hand and grabs on.
He can't go hot enough to turn his skull to ashes, not without his seam hurting badly, but it is immensely satisfying to hear him screaming around the gag as it melts over his teeth and tongue as his eyeball boils in his skull. He takes a step back when his hand starts to hurt, and Muscular is still thrashing in the chair, letting out muffled screams.
Tomura lets it go on for a few more seconds before he catches a part of his arm where the fire hasn't spread yet, and holds on. He screams until he crumbles away. When there's nothing on the chair but dust and the air is filled with the lingering, unpleasant scent of burning hair, Tomura steps around the chair, pulling his glove back on deliberately. Jin slips out of the door, though Dabi sees him lingering outside of it.
"There. He can't ever hurt you, or anyone else again." He starts to move closer and Dabi takes a step back.
"Red." The word stops the other man in his tracks, hurt flickering across his features. He takes a deliberate step away from Dabi and doesn't come any closer as he finds the rest of his voice. "...You could though," he says, feeling the prickles of anxiety under his skin. Fuck. Fuck, what did he just do? He might have gotten rid of that bastard, but Tomura owns him now. Even more than he already did.
"I wouldn't. Not ever, Dabi. If you don't want to work here anymore, then you're free to go. If you'd like a letter of recommendation or a referral to any of the other clubs in this area, I'd be happy to provide it. If you want to stop doing private sessions for a while, then that's alright too. If you want, you can put on some classes-- or you can dance if you want. Kenji mentioned that you two have been practicing together. I can be your boss again," and Dabi doesn't expect the way that makes something go sharp behind his ribs. "Or I can be... nothing to you."
Dabi hesitates, but Tomura keeps his distance and he can't find even the slightest hint of a lie in his eyes. He just sees them sad and worried, the same way they were when he saw how badly he'd been broken. And Dabi wants them warm on him again the way they had been when he'd held his hand as they came. It's probably wrong, probably insane, but Dabi thinks he could be very happy with Tomura, even knowing that he would destroy the world if it hurt him. He hasn't ever had someone who would take care of him. He's certain Tomura will unless he tells him to stop. And.. he knows now that Tomura will stop if he ever tells him to.
He's the one who crosses the space between them. "I want a week away," he demands breathlessly. "You don't call, you don't check on me, you don't mess with my profile. You let me leave, knowing I could go to the cops." He catches the lapels of his suit, hands hot with barely contained flame.
"I can do that, firefly. But," Dabi's stomach sinks, "you need to go up and see Atsuhiro to get your pay for the week. I don't want you to leave without it if you decide not to come back."
Dabi pulls him into a hard kiss.
///
When he comes back to V a week later, his locker is exactly as he left it, and he doesn't see Tomura until he's getting ready for the consultation. He walks in and finds the other holding himself with his spine straight, looking at his tablet with a furrow in his brow.
"Dabi, welcome back. I'm sorry, I'm having some kind of technical difficulty. Your bookings for tonight aren't showing up on the schedu--" He catches the edge of the tablet and sets it aside before stepping right back into his space like their last kiss was a minute ago and not a week, and gives him another.
Tomura goes still against him before his hand wraps around the back of Dabi's neck, his other arm going around his waist, and he kisses him back like he's the only thing that matters in the whole world. Like he's trying to tell him that he'll never be broken again.
"Canceled them. Just want you to take care of me." He breathes when they part.
Red eyes go surprised before warming. "I will for as long as you'll let me, firefly." Tomura promises. Dabi seals those words between them with another kiss.
Thank you so much for reading! If you enjoyed, consider leaving a comment!
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Welcome to another round of W2 Tells You What You Should See, where W2 (me) tries to sell you (you) on something you should be watching. Today's choice: 民国奇探/My Roommate is a Detective.
My Roommate is a Detective is a 2020 drama about the Jazz Age shenanigans of a terrible OT3: a useless noodle boy, a spoiled journalist girl, and a handsome thug-turned-cop, who together solve Agatha Christie mysteries in 1920s Shanghai.
I mean, seriously, have you ever wondered what Hercule Poirot would be like if he were a 6'2" Chinese rubber man? If he had a long-suffering sugar daddy from the wrong side of the tracks and a spunky sugar mommy who owned their shared apartment? The answer is, it would be a laugh-out-loud-funny series about a ridiculous and charming assortment of weirdos solving only slightly believable murder mysteries in charming period clothing.
This is another one of those shows where I'm kind of shocked at how not well-known it is, except I'm not, because I can see exactly the problems that keep fandom from descending on it like horny little vultures. Nonetheless, I think it's a good time that more people would enjoy if they gave it the chance. Here's five reasons why you should:
1. Equal parts smart as heck and dumb as butts
On the one hand, especially given its tone and tenor, this show has many surprisingly clever turns and thoughtful moments, carried along by some talented actors. On the other hand, [.gif of a guinea pig in a rollerskate being pushed merrily down a hallway]
This show is not a complicated intellectual exercise. It's an action comedy about a goofy sleuth, a rich-girl reporter, and the cop who should be the straight man in this trio, except he's as much of a goober as the other two are. If the promotional tableaus are giving you real "cover of a Clue box" vibes, you've understood the kind of pastiche it's pulling off.
The mysteries are preposterous. They're all the kind of thing that exemplify the Doyle line about how, when you've eliminated the impossible, whatever's left has got to be the answer, no matter how ding-dang improbable it may be. You know the type: tons of overly elaborate setups, unbelievably perfect timing, coincidental long-lost relatives, people hallucinating right and left. They're also very short -- most full cases take only 2-3 episodes to introduce, investigate, and resolve, even when interspersed with the larger goings-on in these weirdos' lives. The DramaWiki page for the show lists 23 separate arcs over 36 episodes, so you do the math.
And yet, it's way more thoughtful and clever than its doofy little setup would indicate. Its attention to detail surprised me on more than one occasion. Add to that a bunch of solid performances from an ensemble of real characters, and what you get is definitely more substantive than a junk-food waste of time. You can't turn your brain off while watching it, but you sure can turn it down, and that's great.
It also doesn't hurt that everyone is super attractive and wearing great outfits. The whole show's worth it for the wardrobes.
2. THE GIRL
Fuck the haters, fuck everyone, I am going to climb right up on my little soapbox and tell you all why Bai Youning is awesome.
She is insane. She's a troll. She's a clever little monster. Every other character's response to her is, oh my god, you are literally the worst. And she is! She has been spoiled beyond belief by her incredibly rich Crime Dad, and she has learned to leverage her uwu just a widdle girl status to get her whatever the hell she wants. She simply cannot hear it when someone says the word "no." She will look her future sister-in-law in the eye and point a loaded gun at her own head without blinking. Every ball she has is made of brass.
She's hardly perfect. During the course of the show, there are some times where her entitlement runs face-first into the brick wall of reality. She's not nearly as good at her chosen career path as she's been told (mostly by the people who get paid to tell her she's good). She's rarely prepared to deal with the consequences of her actions, especially when she can't just throw money at the problem.
So she learns, and grows, and changes. She's always going to be a stubborn bitch, but she can become a stubborn bitch with a more accurate conception of her relationship to the world around her.
She's actually a really good romantic foil for Lu Yao, who is equally stubborn and spoiled and obnoxious as hell. It is a pure brat4brat relationship, where each one thrives on comically enraging the other. What this means, though, is that when they actually start showing one another some vulnerability, it's really sweet.
Now: I'm pretty sure that you could not have made a female character in her position that everyone did not hate, no matter how cool you made her, because that is the fate of all girls who theoretically keep the two boys from kissing. (More on that next point.) If she were less outgoing and friendly, she would've been hated for being too cold. If she were less headstrong, she would've been hated for being a pushover. If she weren't as into the boy, she would've been hated for being frigid. I know the "god forbid a woman do anything" meme is a joke, but ... man, god forbid this girl do anything. She gets a level of hate entirely disproportionate to what she's actually like. As I said with Eom Dada, it's not always sexism, but sometimes, yeah, it's sexism.
(Real talk: Her character is also fighting both how she's definitely not written as well as the boys are and how the plot sometimes needs her to be artificially stupid and jealous for Straightness Drama Reasons, so that's a legit problem on a structural level. Also, she's dubbed by someone else and the boys aren't, which gives her voice an annoying not-quite-there quality that's hard to ignore. The deck is stacked against her real hard even before she steps onscreen.)
So here's my advice: Go into this show wanting to like her. Embrace her terribleness as a positive, intentional quality. Don't be mad at her for straightening up an endgame that was never going to be gay, even without her. Welcome her contributions to the chaos. Realize that she is exactly as entertainingly irritating as her boys are.
Truly, this is a story of three terrible people in love. They're all just awful, and you wouldn't want to be in a room with any of them for longer than you had to. Left to right up there, Bai Youning is spoiled and self-absorbed, Lu Yao is arrogant and lazy, and Qiao Chusheng is suuuuuch a fucking cop. If you're into the kind of dynamic that can only be described OT3: You All Deserve One Another, then this one's perfect for you.
3. Do you really miss '00s queerbaiting?
Like, really? Are you just super-nostalgic for being able to see the showrunners go, ha ha, girls, we know you're watching and we know you want these cute boys to kiss, which they never will -- but what if we pretended for just this one scene??? Do you just carnally ache for that with every fiber of your being?
Yep.
Now, why am I calling the occasional really gay moments between these two gentlemen "queerbaiting" and not "bromance"? Because these moments are a) obviously intentional, b) completely sporadic, and c) never spoken of again.
For example: There's a scene (which you can see a gifset of here) where the two of them are at a restaurant frequented by the cop, who brings a lot of ladies there on dates. When the waiter points this out, useless noodle boy says, I'm his date. The waiter looks mildly surprised by this, the cop says not to listen to his bullshit, and that's the end of it. The scene moves on. There is no further discussion of this comment. It does not affect their relationship.
That's the essence of queerbaiting: that little on-purpose nod to the homoerotic tension between the two, in a way that isn't a joke but also isn't not a joke, and either way is never going to happen. (In fact, the show is going to go out of its way to make sure that ship gets sunk, so, uh, get your fanfiction lifeboats ready for that.)
A true queerbaiting move is something that should make a difference in a relationship, but doesn't. It should make a difference that our cop is so comfortable in the noodle boy's personal space that he invades it at will. It doesn't. It should make a difference that noodle boy keeps getting real weird every time the cop has a date with a girl. It doesn't. Those are some real romantic moves the two of them keep pulling, and then nothing comes of them.
I had this show sold to me as being incredibly shippy, to the point of being even more so than its censored-BL contemporaries. And ... well, it is and it isn't. It has textually gayer individual moments, but it is much less pervasively gay. It's clear from the start that it's going to throw all its actual relationship points into its canon het romance. When it comes to these boys, the show is toying with you. It knows you want to see those boys smooch, just as much as it knows (and it knows you know) they're never gonna.
How you feel about this is entirely up to you -- and indeed, it may be a dealbreaker on the whole drama for you. If you are inclined to pitch a fit when your ship does not become canon, you'll be happier somewhere else. If, however, you see this as a delightful opportunity to do whatever the hell you want with the situation as it is presented, all the while enjoying little moments of startlingly blatant homoeroticism between two handsome dudes, well, here you are!
(I mean, if you want my take on it, what needs to happen is that the cop and the girl need to fuck while the useless noodle boy watches with asexual bisexual interest, and then they all need to snuggle with the noodle boy in the middle so they can both annoy him appropriately, but your mileage may vary.)
4. The multicultural extravaganza!
1920s Shanghai had a lot going on in terms of cultures and languages, and this show actually does a fair job of representing that.
By now, I've seen a number of shows set during this era, and they all at least acknowledge the international nature of the city -- usually by mentioning the French Concession and having a handful of evil Japanese characters. However, this is the first time I've seen a show go to such lengths to actually show so many non-Chinese characters onscreen, even to the point of making one a recurring character supporting the main squad.
Salim is the best. Whatever he is being paid, it's not enough. He's Qiao Chusheng's right-hand man, which means he is also the dude who most often has to put up the main trio's bullshit. (The actor himself is also a dude with a pretty cool backstory, which is another great layer.) He's sharp, he's loyal, he's patient, and he looks great with his shirt off. He's got it all!
Other non-Chinese characters include a white Jewish art collector (I'd issue a warning for period-typical antisemitism, except … honestly, it's mostly just confused), a sadistic priest who maybe is supposed to be Italian, a completely different priest who [last episode spoiler], and three whole sinister white dudes behind it all.
It's not just the world coming to China, though! A large number of the Chinese characters are said to have spent significant time outside of China, whether for business or for schooling. Near the end, when some characters are discussing moving away from Shanghai, they consider a number of foreign cities as potential destinations.
Here's a delightful detail: When Lu Yao and his sister speak English, they're dubbed by actors with posh British accents who sound like native (or near-native) English-speakers. This makes perfect sense, because both of the siblings did a lot of their schooling in the UK. When Bai Youning speaks English, she's dubbed by someone who speaks English very well but also has a noticeable Chinese accent, which makes perfect sense for her character's background. And Qiao Chusheng never speaks English at all, because he's a street tough who has no reason to know more than three words.
...This is also kind of weird to say about something literally made in China, but go with me on it: Everything's kind of got that Art Deco Orientalist vibe to it. It looks like China's idea of what Britain's idea of China during that period would have looked like. The result comes across less like what 1920s Shanghai would actually have looked like, and more what an ad for 1920s Shanghai would have looked like. It's a fascinating aesthetic, and more so for how it's mostly pretty subtle. The show isn't some visual extravaganza, but it's always very nice to look at, and I appreciate that in a show.
5. A wonderful horrible protagonist
A lot of mystery-themed prestige television involves an asshole genius detective who gets away with being a dick to everyone because he's sooooo smart, while all his long-suffering friends and colleagues spend a lot of time doing damage control for him because, sigh, he's an asshole but we need him, genius excuses all dickhead behavior, we'll always make exceptions for him because he's just ever so special. (Watch histrionic sage hbomberguy's video on Sherlock if you're unfamiliar with the trope.)
Lu Yao is an asshole genius detective, but one who winds up spending most of his time being an asshole to a) people who deserve it, or b) his horrible friends who will be assholes right back at him. When he is awful to the people who don't deserve it, the show smacks him pretty hard on the nose for it and makes him apologize.
This is a show where you'll figure out pretty quckly if you'll love it or hate it, because if you love Lu Yao, you'll love it, and vice versa. He carries most of the show himself, with his goofy charm and his incredibly bendy slenderman body and his ability to make the one competent person he knows both protect him and give him money.
Like so.
For my own part, I find him intensely charming, and I think a lot of this has to do with Hu Yitian's ability to play him as an affectionately bullyable weenie who needs to get shoved in a locker for his own good. He's the worst, and it's comically endearing instead of offputting because at the end of the day, he really does have a good heart. He's just also lazy as heck and disinclined to do anything that he does not want to be doing, and really, aren't we all?
As I alluded to in point 3, he comes across as real asexual. He's just not that interested in sex, and he is in fact pretty uncomfortable in situations where he finds himself the subject of someone else's sexual desires. He's perfectly capable of romantic feelings! I mean, not only does he get Bai Youning as a love interest, we actually meet one of his ex-girlfriends. He's just not partciularly horny about them -- which is even more noticeable as a sharp contrast to how extremely horny Qiao Chusheng is for just about everyone, but this exasperating little dork in particular.
(Like seriously, 90% of the time, Chusheng is about to explode with sexual frustration at Lu Yao's skinny oblivious ass.)
This isn't to say you couldn't get Lu Yao into bed, because you absolutely could, and he'd probably have a good time. You'd just have to remove all distractions from the room, lest his ADHD ass wind up running off to solve a crime mid-coitus.
Twiggy little nightmare man. Garbage-animal boy. Love him.
sidebar: A word about the ending
I'm going to be vague and talk about general vibes instead of specific events, but you should still skip this section if you want to remain completely unspoiled. Jump to the picture of Chusheng holding the sledgehammer.
Okay, so, a lot of people do not like the ending, and I'm including myself in that number. I honestly don't know if they got rushed and had to wrap everything pretty last-minute, or if they thought they might get a second season out of it and were leaving things open-ended accordingly. Either way, it's incredibly unsatisfying.
I think there's a clue that the show didn't actually want to end this way, and it's not actually in the text of the show itself. Every episode, between the last scene and the start of the credits, you get to see a couple still frames from the episode (usually some of the queerbaity ones). After the very final shot of the series, you get two images: the boys hugging goodbye, and Chusheng's upset face. That's not a resolution! That is at best a "to be continued..." ending!
But no, that's it. That's all, folks.
It's not quite an ending so bad it ruins the rest of the show, mostly because it doesn't feel finished, so it's less like you're watching a car being deliberately driven into a wall because someone thought that was the best route to take, and more like you're watching someone leave a car on the railroad tracks because they figured they'd have time to move it later.
As far as I know, there has been no noise made about a second season. These 36 episodes are the entirety of the narrative. It had the distinct misfortune to start airing in March 2020, which wasn't exactly prime time for planning sequels, and that seems to have been that. (There is a 2022 show called Checkmate that stars the two main guys in extremely similar roles, also adapting Agatha Christie stories, but it's apparently pretty meh? Somebody else who's actually seen it, go ahead and weigh in here.)
I'll say that if you turn off the episode right after Lu Yao gets out the handcuffs, you'll save yourself the worst of it the awkward and unsatisfying moments (though I'm impressed at your willpower to stop watching something five minutes from the end). That's not all of it, though. Structurally, there are several situations rushed to a resolution and loose threads left flapping untied in the breeze. I guess stopping before the last five minutes simply saves you the hope that it'll pull a good ending out of the fire, because it won't.
And let's be real: The more you hate Bai Youning and her romance with Lu Yao, the more you'll hate the ending. (Not that liking those elements will necessarily make you like the ending, of course, because I'm a fan of hers and I still think the ending is butts.) The ending is already like a pair of uncomfortable shoes; if the het romance especially makes you grind your teeth, the ending becomes a pair of uncomfortable shoes that also have a rock in them. A lot of the comments online indicate plenty of people dropped the show when they learned the het romance would be endgame. It's a pretty common dealbreaker.
Oh well. Bring on the fanfic, I say! Those of us who are used to taking a sledgehammer to canon are unafraid.
Smash it, baby.
Still want to see some of these mysteries?
Both iQiyi and Viki have the answer to your sleuthing!
It's not a perfect show -- as evidenced by my digression about the ending -- but it's a lot of fun. If you can handle the occasional foible and some eyebrow-raising moments, you're in for a good time with some attractive people that occasionally tastes very gay.
Every roommate crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man
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imagine if writers gave a single fuck about wyll tho. man, there is so much potential. like i think he has THE most interesting and potentially complex setup out of all characters.
like, he's a son of a duke and a legend, a national hero. he was raised on these legends, in a culture of hero worship, and on "principles of valor" that he says his father taught him. of course he grew up wanting to be a hero. no, not just wanting, EXPECTING it. he jumped into water on his birthday bc he thought he saw a mermaid. he saw himself as the Main Character of a story, probably not even as much in a hubris way, but in a "this is very minimum i HAVE to be to live up to my distant father's legacy". but also OF COURSE he's also deep down scared he that isn't good enough to live up to this legacy. he knows he's not perfect. what if he won't be strong enough? he learns to show this bravado of a golden child, of obvious hero in the making, masking his insecurities.
and then he receives a dream and literal hero's call to action. of course he listens. this is just like the stories. btw i have to admit i disagree completely with game's framing of his decision as actually the only way to save the city. he was left in charge of the entire military forces! He could have just. NOT go alone, and a squadron of flaming fists would have steamrolled these like 20 cultists. imagine if you heard that head of military of your country received anonymous call and actually went alone to the meeting. it's a very bad tactical decision.
this is not an attack on wyll, btw, he was a literal child primed to be a hero. this should have been critique of his father, who raised him in this way and then left 17 yo in charge of city's defenses, AND of the entire culture of hero worship. wyll wasn't ready to be a leader who thinks in terms of resources he has, he was not raised for this. he was a kid under the weight of expectations who thought being a hero is THE only correct way and that being a martyr is what a hero should choose. he NEEDED to become a hero, but didn't have enough power, and so when the way to obtain that power was given to them that he could frame as martyring himself, of course he took it. this was not his fault, but its a tragedy bc this was always going to end like this. the deal with the devil is just the most blatant metaphor for making bargains with consciousness bc you think you can do more good with the power and this is the only way, bc you're not strong enough by yourself.
also, in this hypothetical rewrite since duke ravenguard is supposed to be like. an actually good person whos distant, but loving of his child, and not a convenient cardboard cutout, he doesn't throw wyll out. he listens to him. he realizes this tragedy and takes responsibility for his own part in it. he says i'm sorry i failed you, my son. but wyll cannot be an heir anymore, not under the infernal thumb. he's removed from his position. and he can't take it! first of all, he can't agree with his father that he made a wrong choice as a leader. he sacrificed himself! thats what heroes do! and his father didn't fail, this is all mizora's fault! and now he has to endure the humiliation of nobles gossiping and snickering, speculating what the golden child did that was so bad for his father to remove him from flaming fists leadership? it's unbearable. so he runs away by himself.
he constructs this persona of Blade of the Frontiers, this folksy hero, hides his infernal contract. He believes he was right and he believes this is part of a story. He will become famous as his own hero, not under his father's shadow, and he will find a way to break contract, and then he will return to his home, triumphant, and his father will realize he was wrong and be finally proud of wyll. All of misery, fear, loneliness, humiliation, anxiety, terrible shit mizora inflicts on him will be worth it as long as Blade of the Frontiers remains a perfect image, and so he hides all of this. He dissociates. He is literally processing his life in terms of the Blade of the Frontiers' narrative, first thing he thinks is how he will frame\describe things for his books.
and then mizora turns him into a devil. this throws him into crisis, bc his perfect image of Blade of the Frontiers is threatened, he can't spin it into existing narrative, everything he went through will be for nothing!
when mizora offers him a second deal, one of the clauses is turning back to human. he can go back. he can be a perfect hero, Blade of the Frontiers once again, and no one will know his shame, and he will save his father and his father will be proud of him, and he can feel pained pride at being a martyr, at giving a sacrifice once again AND validated that his choice was right. he keeps playing a vigilante, larping as princess bride's westley and writing books about the manicured, idolized version of himself, while behind the scenes sliding more and more into corruption, making deals with consciousness that its fine to do things mizora asks, which keep getting worse and worse, little by little, because heroic deeds he'll do with gained power will outweigh it.
OR he can go through painful realization that living like a hero in a story does NOT mean making best choices. that he was not ready to be in charge of the city years ago. that whats important is achieving the goal, not being a saviour, and that he can ask others for help. he had flaming fists before. he has a party of manchkins who steamrolled several god's chosen now. he might not be powerful enough by himself, but he has resources. he doesn't need to sacrifice himself for that strength. he refuses the deal and saves his father by himself, still looking like a devil. the perfect image of a folksy hero is no longer salvageable, but he doesn't need it anymore. he learns to live with the consequences and stop hiding his scars, and he steps back to his place as the duke's heir, not just a hero, but as a leader first.
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Chapter Eleven (Part 2)
The thunderstorm is in full power outside by the time the party reaches its crescendo. Rain beats violently against the windows, and lightning forks across the sky. The sounds of Creedence Clearwater and The Zombies drown out the thunder, but still, I could swear that I can feel it vibrate through my bones. I’ve never been so close to a storm in my life, and as I gaze out of the window, blurry with rain to the flashes in the sky, I have a wild desire to be alone with it. I take a cursory glance around and hope nobody is watching me as I dash up the metal staircase to the next floor.
The lights are off on the upper floor, and as I wander into a room off the hallway, which happens to be a bathroom, I find myself pausing at the window to stare out at the sky. It is magnificent. It’s terrifying. I want to run from it as much as I want to stand beneath it and let the rain soak my clothes to my skin. I climb into the bath just so that I can sit on the rim and watch the sky, and lose all sense of how long I sit for. Long enough to hear the muffled chorus of “Zum Geburtstag Viel Glueck” through the floor. Long enough for the edge of the tub to dig uncomfortably into my legs. Long enough to get the urge to look for this fabled painting studio. I leave the bathroom and make my way back down the hallway, peering into darkened rooms as I pass them, feeling as though I’m doing something against the law.
I crack open the door to Leon’s photography studio after trying several others, and walk inside. I glance around at the equipment, all of the cameras and their lenses. Tripods, different kinds of lighting, the large, white backdrop that’s hung against one wall. What a luxury it must be to have a space like this in your home. I hardly dare to touch any of it, only gently brushing my index finger over the cool metal of one lens, when a deep voice almost makes me rattle out of my skin.
“I’d a feeling I’d find you snooping around somewhere.” Jude stands in the doorway, and my heart kicks into high gear. “Fuck sake.” I wheeze. “You snuck up on me.”
“Sorry.” He says, and steps inside to wander slowly around and look at all of the same things I was looking at.
I brush invisible lint off my clothes, just to have something to do with my hands, and look him over briefly. “It’s very weird to see you in a suit like that.” I remark. “All cleaned up with your hair combed back.”
“Freaky, is it?”
“A bit.”
“Well, for what it’s worth, you look very nice. At least one of us has managed to.”
“I look absolutely mad, it’s alright to say it.”
“She did look a bit mad though, didn’t she? I think you pulled it off fairly well.” He approaches the shelf of cameras and pulls one off, and I say with alarm, “You shouldn’t touch the cameras.”
“It’s fine.” He grins. “It’s my camera.”
“How’s it yours?”
“I come here to photograph my work. Leon has the best setup. I’ve been doing it for years.”
“Really?”
“Yes! I swear.” He laughs. “I feel like you don’t believe me.”
“Well, I do.” I say hesitantly. I nod towards the Canon in his hands. “Are you going to take a photograph of me or something?”
“Would you like me to?”
“If you’d like to.”
“Okay, I’d like to.” With his free hand he hauls a wooden bench into the centre of the backdrop and motions for me to sit on it. Then he fiddles with a few of the studio lights to make sure he’s got it set up the way he likes it.
“What should I do?” I ask him.
“You can just relax.” He suggests. “Maybe rest your foot against the bar of the stool, yep, like that, and your hands in your lap. Okay, yeah, just look at me.”
“I’m looking at you.”
“I know, good job.” He snaps a series of photographs while I sit there, stiff as a board. I don’t really know how to relax in front of a camera, I never have. “Maybe a smile?” He proposes.
“Like this?” I tug the corners of my mouth upwards, and feel twice as awkward in doing so. He nods. “Kind of. You don’t need to grimace like that.”
“I’m not grimacing. This is my smile.”
“That’s not your smile, darling. You don’t smile like that.”
A giggle escapes my lips. “What did you just call me?”
He blinks. “I don’t know. What did I say?”
“Darling. As in, lil darlin’” I laugh again, mostly at my abysmal attempt at an American accent, and he rolls his eyes. “That’s not my accent.”
“It is! Ye Haw.”
“Get a grip.” He snickers from behind the lens. “I could easily do a horrible impression of you and see how you feel about it.”
“Do it then.”
His eyebrow quirks up and so does the corner of his mouth. “Jude!” He cries in an accent-perfect midlands soprano. “Did you eat all of the crisps? You’re so greedy. And get your horrible foot away from my back, you’re actually the most annoying person I’ve ever met.”
My mouth drops open and I insist that it sounds nothing like me, even though it absolutely does.
“Yeah right.” He says.
“You’ve been practising that in the mirror or something, you creep. You’re obsessed with me.”
“You’re obsessed with me.” He mimics and I almost take off my chunky sandal to toss it at him, but I’m startled by a sudden clap of lighting that slashes across the sky right outside the window, so close that it hits a rod on the building across the street. I snap to look. “Oh my God, wow!”
“Yeah, holy shit, wow.” He says, “I got a photo of that.”
“Of the lightning?”
“No of you looking at it.” He lifts the camera to look at the last batch. “I think these are good.”
“Are they?”
“Yeah, look.” He comes over to show me a series of photos from that quick moment, a flash of white over my face as my mouth falls open in a gasp, eyes wide with wonder. I look stunned, and thrilled, and kind of pretty. Then he scrolls back and shows me more of myself, of me smiling and laughing and pulling faces at him, and they must be the most relaxed photographs of myself that I’ve ever seen.
“Oh.” I whisper. “I like those a lot.I wish I looked like that all of the time.”
“Yeah, I like them too.” He says, “And actually, you do. That’s just how you look to me.” and in that small moment his gaze feels weighted, so much so that goosebumps erupt on my arms as though there’s an electrical current moving beneath my skin. I feel him watching my face, but meeting his eyes feels risky, it’s always felt a bit risky, because I want him so badly that sometimes it makes it hard to breathe. I fear that too much time spent looking at him might drive me to start doing the sorts of things I know I will spend time regretting.
I slide off the seat and wander out of the room.
“Where are you going?” He wants to know.
“To find the art studio.” I reply.
“It’s the next room.” He follows close behind me, and it’s impossible not to feel his presence, even when I can’t see him in the dark hallway. He opens the studio door and I slip in under his arm.
I don’t bother flipping the switch, because the light from outside is enough to allow a blue glow through the huge windows and over the floor. It’s so quiet that I can hear my heart in my neck and my ears. I walk over to the window and stare out over the place where his easel is facing, and through the wet and smears of the glass it’s difficult to see much but blurry lights, but still, I can make out the outline of a row of beautiful old buildings below. A cluster of trees, a castle, which I picture in the heat of summer sunshine, and a lump rises in my throat, because I want a place like more than almost anything. All my fantasies of my life and how it might turn out have included a studio just like this. With these canvases, these easels, these organised racks of paints, and brushes, halfway finished work, destined to be completed another day. I look at it all and I think I might start crying, because it feels like I’ve stepped into a fantasy that will never, never ever turn into reality.
“What are you thinking about?” Jude says softly after several moments, and his footsteps tread lightly behind me. I don’t look around at him. My voice is thick. “About how much I like this studio.”
“It’s pretty spectacular. And the view.”
“Yes, the view is nice. Although, I’m sure it’s nicer when it isn’t raining so much.”
“I like it like this too.” He comes to a stop next to me, and I feel him there, almost touching me, but not. I pat the corner of my eye with the pad of my finger and continue to look out at the sky. “I think that you could have something like this someday.” He says to me, “I think that if you want something really badly you can find a way to have it.”
“You think so?”
“I do.”
“Hm.”
He waits for me to look at him, and I am afraid to. “Evie,” He says, voice soft.
“Yeah?”
“Can you-”
I look. “What?”
He doesn’t tell me what. He leans into me and brushes his nose gently against mine before kissing me. Once, so lightly, as if testing that I want it. Twice. He draws back and our gazes mesh, and the third time he angles his head and takes my lower lip between his, and my body goes weak. I forgot what it was like to kiss him, in all of his wildness, abandon, and overconfidence, how the stroke of his lips over mine makes me lose all sense of myself and forget who I am.
I wind my fingers into his hair and pull him closer to me, and he holds my head in his hands, and he is perfect and I am lucky, so lucky to be here with him now as the thunder rumbles and the rain pelts against the windows, and his body is warm and his mouth is hot and it feels somehow more dangerous to be in here with him than it would to stand in the path of lightning.
He deepens the kiss, just as I clutch onto him tighter, and the feeling inside me turns desperate. I deserve this, I’ve loved him forever, and I can have this selfish moment if I want it. Maybe I don’t have to tell anyone about it, maybe we’re the only ones that need to know. I let him touch my body and make promises with his mouth and his hands that he can give me all of the things that I want the most, the things I’m too afraid to admit to wanting, the things I shouldn’t. I let myself feel the terror of him taking those things away from me as easily as he can give them to me, and I chase those feelings away with my lips and my tongue as I press into him and tug his lip between my teeth.
He breaks away for a moment while his eyes travel over my face as if looking for a sign that he should stop but I’m not ready for him to. I’ve been waiting years for this, so when he draws my waiting mouth to his again I arch my body into him and encourage him with eager little sounds that seem to knock the air out of him. His hands are trembling yet insistent as they come to seize my hips tightly and pull me against his, hard, so that I can feel him wanting me, but then suddenly, as though I’ve remembered who I am again, my hands grab his wrists in a steel, reflexive grip, and I take a step away from him. He seems confused, and takes an instinctive step towards me as I move away, unable to compute that I have stopped kissing him. I place my hand on his chest to block him.
“We can’t.”
He looks hurt. “Why?”
I stare at him incredulously. “Because of Astrid, obviously.”
His eyes skate across my face, confusion turning to panic as he swallows convulsively. “But I’ve broken up with her now.” He says. “Didn’t you know that?”
“No, I didn’t know that. When?”
“After Christmas.”
My brain feels like it’s functioning at a fraction of its capacity. “So, like, six weeks ago.”
“Yes!”
“After you bled all over my house.”
“It’s the first thing I did when I got back, I thought-”
“And you didn’t think to mention it at any point?” I turn away from him and catch sight of myself in the black window, and I look wild, hair out of place, lipstick completely gone and a bright blush across my cheeks. How long were we kissing?
Jude’s reflection stares at mine. “We’ve been out of touch.” He says. “We could never find a moment to call one another, Evie, I wanted to tell you, but there just wasn’t the right time, you were always in a rush, or I was too busy, and then, I dunno, I suppose after a while I started assuming that you’d heard it through the grapevine.”
“The grapevine.” I repeat, glaring at him. “What’s the grapevine? Shane Healy’s mouth? What on earth would he tell me that for? He doesn’t even tell me how his mother is.”
He spears a hand into his hair. “I’m sorry, I should have tried harder to tell you about it, but I didn’t want to scare you off, or make you think that it was your fault or something. Maybe I was in my head too much, but sending a random text to you on a Tuesday being like ‘So I broke up with Astrid’ seemed a bit too purposeful, a bit like I expected something from you. I don’t know.”
Ripples of fear and longing travel over my skin. “Well, did you break up with her because of me?”
His expression is tortured. “We were doing badly for a long time. We broke up over a year ago, firstly, because I was being a shit, and I couldn’t give her what she needed, and then after a few months we got back together, but it was always rocky from there, it never felt right, we always fought, in the end it just felt inevitable, and, well…” He trails off.
“And?” I prompt.
“And I… yeah, I had feelings for someone else.”
“For me.” The words don’t come out, exactly. I end up just mouthing them.
“Come on, Evie, I’ve always liked you. You know that. I always wondered about you when we were apart, I always thought about what would’ve happened if I’d never left. When I saw you again and I still felt all those things, well, honestly it felt a bit insane to be with someone else. Even last year, when we weren’t talking, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. All the time, like, there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about you. Every time I saw someone who reminded me of you, or something that I knew that you’d laugh at, I knew that the things I felt about Astrid weren’t the same, it wasn’t right, nor was it fair, so I ended things.”
“But then you got back together?” I glare at him.
“Yeah, I had a bad year, stuff happened with Jen, I felt isolated, I felt like shit, and then I met Astrid again at a party and…” He shrugs. “She was familiar, and I still had feelings for her so it just felt like a normal thing to do. Our breakup seemed kind of stupid for a while. Honestly, I was wondering what had gotten into me when I did it, and then I saw you again, and…” he trails off. “Well, I thought that you felt the same way as I do.”
I take a deep breath, palms tingling. “This is a lot to take on.” I say.
“I know.”
“I can’t help but think about how I’m just another one of your single friends, and now that you’re lonely-”
“It’s not like that at all.”
“But this is just what you do, you kiss your friends just because you can.” I don’t know why I’m saying these things, because every word appears to have the same effect on him as if I were slapping him in the face, but I can’t stop them from pouring out. Perhaps I just want him to disprove them or to validate me, or convince him that only foolish men like girls like me. He’s too clever for this.
“That was when I was a teenager. I’m an adult man now and this isn’t just an experiment. I’m in love with you” He says. “and like, for some reason you think that nobody in their right mind could ever love you, but I do. I really do. I can’t ever get you out of my head, I just think about how much I want you every time I look at you, and how scared I am of what I feel about you, but I love you. Not in a friend way. In an ‘I want you to be my girlfriend’ kind of way, and I can’t imagine wanting that with another person, with, like, anybody but you, and it’s not because I’m single and I’m lonely or that you’re in some way convenient to me, I loved you when I had Astrid and when you had Dean, but the time was never right, and now I think that it could be, so why not just… see?”
He stands there, completely vulnerable, and waits for me to say something to him, but I can’t. My mind is swirling with ancient insecurities, ones buried deep in my psyche, the ones that I never let out of me because they batter my self-confidence, smash it to pieces and remind me that I’m not enough for him, even if he foolishly believes that I am. I will disappoint him. What happens if I tell him that I feel the same? Where do we go from there? How do I be his girlfriend, how do I do the things he wants me to do? What? Hold his hand in public and have all of his friends think about how he left a six foot tall goddess for someone like me, have them say amongst themselves that he really downgraded and wonder what it is that’s so special about Evie Kilbride when he could have anybody. They’ll all learn, as he will eventually, that I have nothing to offer but failed promises and unfulfilled expectations, and joke later about that big mistake he made once while he holds another beauty queen in his arms. I think of that summer day in Kelly’s mobile home, and how she stared at me with amused contempt, as though the idea of him ever wanting me was hilarious because I’ll never be able to impress him, or give him the things he wants and expects from a girl. I won’t know how to be. I will ruin this like I’ve ruined everything else, and I will be the biggest mistake he’s ever made.
“My God, Evie, please say something.” He says desperately.
“Did you tell Astrid that you broke up with her because of me?”
He stares at me like I’m crazed. “What?”
“Does she know about how you feel?”
“I don’t know, maybe.” He drags a trembling hand through his hair and it all tumbles forward, free of the hold of the styling gel. “I’m not sure why that’s important to you at this moment.”
“She doesn’t seem to like me.”
Beginning // Prev // Next
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Consider a setting where graduating from a certain school gives you the right to wield political power on a national level, depriving everyone who doesn’t attend of the right to vote, but the bottom third students of every year get transformed into magical slaves. How terribly would the Senshi or Overwatch crew handle that?
Okay, so, let's get this out of the way first: WHAT THE FUCK.
Now that we've taken that important break, let's think about this.
Do we know what they teach at this school? Because I think that would be a large part of my decision for this. Some of the cannier players in the game would enter if they thought they stood a chance, but by the very nature of the thing they ALSO know that the best of the best are going to go here. Do you think you're in the top 66% of 1000 driven and probably proven intelligent people? I mean, I probably would be like, "I guess I am a voteless worker bee."
So, for the purposes of this question, we'll assume it's a standard high school type setup, with, fuck, I'm just doing this for the purposes of answering. We'll use what was the AP track for each at my high school, because, well, I'm familiar with it.
Math : Algebra, Geometry, Trig, Calc
Science: Earth, Biology, Chemistry, Physics
English: Four years of upper level Literature courses focusing on analysis and knowledge of the canon.
History: (Insert country of origin here), Government, World i, World ii
Language: Four years of a language, I took Spanish.
And then we can make space for other shit. We had 6 periods a day, but not every day had to be the same. Whatever, we'll go with the guideline.
SAILOR MOON
Rei goes because Rei has never been humble for even one moment in her life, and also she wants to boss the entire country around. She knows that she is going to be in the top 66%, and also probably graduate first in the class, she's just that smart. Is she though???? We don't see one way or the other, and I think of her as a sort high-middling student, and in an environment like this one, I could see her maybe ending up on bottom.
Minako would never do it unless she was sure she could find a good way to cheat on everything. Minako's not stupid, but I do think she can be a little intellectually lazy. Sitting down and actually doing the work would take her aback a little bit, but I also think she knows that and also isn't too proud to admit, to herself at least, that she might be in danger there.
Michiru's family has so much money and influence that even if she can't vote, she can vote, so I don't see her willingly putting herself through that.
Haruka would not attend, but it would only be because Minako stopped her from some desperate and quasi-suicidal jaunt to prove herself worthy or some shit. She knows its dumb, Mina knows its dumb, but here she is, signing up for it! It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Overwatch:
Lena has laughed herself out of the building already. Thanks but no thanks. Voting isn't worth the entirety of a physics class and having to do well in it on top of everything else. She'll go wash glasses in a pub if she has to, goodbye.
Fareeha acknowledges that it is a difficult task, and it will encourage a high level of competition, but luckily, rigorous testing of her abilities is a boon in her eyes. She spends long nights studying and sharpening her acumen. Literature is never her strongest class, and she does worry about it, but she gets it together just fine, and is strong enough in everything else.
Mercy is the sort that is more than smart enough for this sort of thing, but I don't know that she would want to sign up for it because it just seems cruel. It seems wrong. She will, of course, be talked into taking a spot, because better someone with her scruples than someone chomping at the bit to have the power.
Dva is following Lena out the door but she's posting the whole reel to TikTok, including she and Lena popping babychams in the parking lot.
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hello what are your thoughts on a rayllum situation a la percy and annabeth in which either or both give up a great power/opportunity to be with each other?
while I’m not really sure we’d ever see this in canon I love the idea of it
So Rayllum has had PJO / Percabeth energy to me for a long time
And I am deeply intrigued by what lengths Rayla and Callum will be willing to go to save each other, as keeping one another safe has always been one of their biggest priorities and brought out their most batshit sides. We already know what Test of Love Rayla is going to have (leaning towards next season but could also see S6) in terms of her being willing to risk the world when Callum is possessed again ("You let him live but you killed us all / You have two choices: you all die, or just the evil wretched human dies") in favour of fighting to break him free and save him. It's already been textually confirmed, symbolically, as well that she will successfully save him.
“Wow. So they look identical, but they might kill you or they might save you,” Callum said.
“Exactly. Just like me…” Rayla smiled. (Book One novelization)
This will of course play a big hand in restoring their relationship, as well as herself, to what they/she used to be. A complete inverse of her "We can't save everyone, there's too much at stake" dismissal in 4x05 that shows how jaded her time alone had made her, traumatizing her to a point nothing else she'd ever been through (almost losing her hand, losing her family, her village, etc) had pushed her to. But of course to Callum, "Rayla is a hero" and that's what makes her who she is, and it's the positive side of her self sacrificial / selfless nature (as the self sacrifice is still alive and kicking in S4 with going after Viren, being the first to give Rex a gift, etc etc as well as the self loathing). Her saving him is the perfect "wrap it up in a bow" of setup and pay off for all of it, and her arc in general from a S1-S5 type deal.
I think there's a lot of layers to Percy's choice to give up immortality in the books (not only for Annabeth, although yes, definitely for her) but also taking into account for what he asks for in its stead: for the gods to be accountable, to pay their dues, in the ways heroes and mortals too often have instead. It shows his maturity, his series long disgust at injustice and unfairness, his beloved impertinence to say what he thinks regardless of the consequences. To honour Luke and all the other fallen demigods, but also himself.
On that level TDP doesn't have quite the same set up (although we'll see about holding humans and Xadia more accountable for the deep history / the Startouch elves as gods) but if Rayla is going to risk the world to save him, then he also has to accordingly risk the world to save her. This is particularly true as Rayla's heroic nature ad deep love for Callum is emphasized in all prior seasons, as well as the latter majorly in S4. We'll have an easy time believing she'd made that kind of decision for him. With S4, it throws a little bit of a wrench into Callum's side of things, but that's all the more reason for him to do it; to reaffirm his massive, life altering, world changing love for her (she, who desperately needs to know she is loved, too, after all this time). After all on his side of things, her absence has to affect him more than shutting down and more than just being obsessed with magic; a "I lost her once, I won't lose her again" justification if he does something batshit for her would give retroactive narrative reasoning on his end, and it'd be very earned, I think (since we see how messed up he is over her absence in 4x01, even after all that time). And again, Rayla cannot only save him - she also has to mess up, to need to be bailed out - in order for her to actually learn her lesson about self worth and sacrifice and why she needs to fucking stay or at the very least, fully accept that Callum will always be coming with her.
After all, they both need the opportunity to choose each other, to save one another, and as always, I think Callum giving up the Key of Aaravos to the villains (whether the Key is just for the prison, or Aaravos' heart, or whatever) if Rayla had gotten captured and her life was on the line makes a lot of sense. Big tag about it here, & masterposts (pre s4 and post s4). So I'd say that's my big percabeth "giving something up majorly for the one you love" schtick.
Either way I can't wait for S5 to make me cry
#rayllum#s5 speculation#s5#arc 2#pjo#thanks for asking#predictions#dippers-vest#cube hostage exchange theory
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ALRIGHT EVERYBODY LETS GET GUSSIED UP FOR THE LUCKY CAT CAPER!!!!
this is SUCH a solid episode. i love this one as well- the outfits, the slapstick, the action. all really good!! alrighty
today's post title pictures are some of my own, from my trip to san fran a few years back!! I'll share some of my favs- I visited or photographed every major caper location on the trip!!
there's me in chinatown, the golden gate bridge, alcatrez, fisherman's wharf and the pier, and good old karl himself!
alrighty- enough pictures. sorry for the long intro! notes under the cut as always :)
YEAHHH THE FLASHBACK TO CARMEN'S FINAL,,, YEAH. i forgot the episode opened like this tbh. i know everyone and their mother has ALSO pointed out that this scene is bathed in red light so i will AGAIN not beat a dead horse but just yes. color theory <3
i love the tiny little oh shit moment on shadowsan's face. like he hadnt quite realized how good she was
GOD THIS GETS SO BRUTAL he's pawing her around like a cat with a pompom
YEAH THE WAY SHE JUST GETS. DESPERATE AS THE FIGHT GOES
her waking up from the nightmare with that culmination of stress. the timer going off correlating with the phone. still being half in the dream when she talks to player and then realizing when he starts talking to her...
this is such a human moment for carmen i love it so so much. she's failed. she is tired, having nightmares, maybe has a headache. she's making mistakes and she's a little bit out of it, she's stiff from sleeping....she's a PERSON and i LOVE IT SO MUCH
or in much less eloquent terms SLEEBY CARMEN <3333
i love the setup for next episode here. its not overbearing; it doesnt feel like a setup episode but it IS and it hints at shadowsan's true motives almost right off the bat
the sigh and "i don't know" is weirdly smooth animation i love it
that pickpocket is soo smooottthh
also i have to know what carmen was doing in san francisco the night before that a. gave her a headache when she woke up and b. made her so tired that she just dropped her pants on the floor and passed out. because it seems to me like carmen sandiego got drunk and had a great time last night.
also. she has just woken up and is picking an outfit for a NIGHTTIME CHARITY GALA. SHE SLEPT IN SO LATE HEHHSHAHJ their sleep schedules are all so bad
carmen looks great in that shot where she opens the curtains sorry not sorry
carmen's hotel is just outside the transamerica pyramid!
in fact it is quite reasonable to assume that she was staying at the hilton. i have solved the mystery that no one asked me to solve
karl <333
cable cars weren't running when i visited sf </3 i was heartbroken
FREE KARL
i dont know look at her reflection
carmens feet are shaped like shoes and i dont know how to feel about that. why is her heel a heel
this dress was the most spectacular thing they ever put her in and the amount of time she wore it was criminally short
they also should have put her in a white dress shirt more often??? hello??? i see it in the closet??? put her in a fucking suit once in a while....that waitress getup in tsonts was THE SHIT
SHE LOOKS STUNNIIINGGGGGGG IN THAT DRESS
i also love that she's thinking about zack for the car, then player for the stamp. her writing is so good this episode...at the start at least
ten million cents, she chuckles, as if the stamp wouldn't still be worth a hundred thousand dollars
i love how casually she is willing to spend 10 million VILEBucks
i love how they call her the generous lady in red too- like they arent expecting this room to be able to afford a ten million dollar stamp and BID on it
L O O K AT THAT DRESS GOD ITS SO GOOD. THE STRAPLESS THE CHOKER THE ELBOW GLOVES THE CLUTCH PURSE AUGHHH ITS SO GOOD I NEED TO SEE IT MORE
THE CONNECTOR IN THE BACK? THE FANCY COMM EARRINGS? CHEFS KISS
chase and carmen had the exact same smirk when they saw the other in the fog i know it
i love their dynamic actually they are so funny together. egypt in season 4 highlights it so well but also. like here. the teasing the banter chase taking everything way too seriously in comparison to carmen treating him like a joke
its close to the cigarette aesthetic, to be honest, and it does not cause lung cancer. so this tiny flashlight i salute you for being hot
CHASE AND JUST TRYING TO GRAB HER DSJHKJWGD
THE SHOE IS SO FUCKING FUNNY AJHKJDFH IT NEVER FAILS TO MAKE ME LAUGH
poor carmen running around barefoot in the fog now
juliump scare
they stick those where in the world/where on earth references in there every opportunity they can with chase <3
julia is so short wheeze
MIP MIP MIP
that is for sure a bun i am not sure how mime bomb's beret made that shape
this episode is just chase getting jumpscared
he shoes mb away like a stray cat wheeze
the signed/mimed description of carmen is so on point i love mime bomb
go shadowsan go. send tigress <333 i love that he knows carmen so well even now that he knows she would enjoy one-upping tigress on this again
the "betrayed us and took a new name" thing from brunt is. carmen is transgender and brunt is the phobic about it i dont know it reads heavily okay
maelstrom and his democracy
FINE FINE SEND WHOMEVER
brunt has the cleaners on telepathic speed dial damn
the absolute muscles of steel mime bomb must have to sit in midair like that holy fuck
vile's lucky cat. meow. cat girl hand
carmen trying to watch subtly and stay hidden. girlie those are your opposite of strongsuits. weaksuits
mime bomb moves so cartoonishly and i love that. yes this is a cartoon. but. he is more of a cartoon
the music timing with carmen's face as she realizes its a shop FULL of lucky cats is so good
ILL TAKE THE TCHOTCHKE
carmen needs to stop saying "or what? you'll (insert bad thing here)" because the person she's saying that too ALWAYS says "yes exactly that"
luck cat store owner voiced by julia's va beloved. deserved better. glad she got cash in the end even if carmen was an aloof little prick about it and didn't even apologize
WE HAVE OTHERS YOU KNOW im so sorry lucky cat shop lady you deserved better
bait and switch
"keep the change" okay you still destroyed a shitload of her beautiful statues and didn't even help her clean it up. didn't apologize or. look at her. but fine
mime bomb. thats it thats the post
see the comical shifty look around is so fucking funnyyy
MIME BOMB COULD NOT BE MORE SUSPICIOUS IF HE TRIED HE'S SO FUNNY
the running in place gag never gets old
HFDJSFGDS
carmen just being half surprised and half impressed that they arrested mime bomb. yeah
also her just standing blatantly on the rooftop and NO ONE notices her wheeze
JULIA LISTING OFF ALL OF HIS MISHAPS IS SO FUNNY
the graffiti just being giant x's and o's dhfjdasg
mime bomb. is skrunkly
chase thats how you get sued you have to list the miranda rights in murica
julia <333 yes. yes yes yes
i gotta know what mime bomb was signing that made chase interpret "an elephant giving you a pedicure while spreading cheese on a baguette on Bastille day"
julia immediately giving a perfect translation. they are so funny
the expressiveness of chase and mime bomb combined makes for some GOLDEN freeze frames
julia shielding her mouth the wrong way. good job girlie. you tried. he can still see everything youre saying though
chase's neck disconnects from his head!
considering chase and julia never showed any form of identification mime bomb could hypothetically press charges for kidnapping
MIME BOMB OFFERING THE FLOWER AND THEN CHUCKING IT WHEN TIGRESS GETS ANNOYED WITH HIM IS JUST. HIS ANIMATION AND CHARACTER ACTING ARE SO GOOD
all of 26 cents buys mime bomb out
i like julia's little lean on the wharf railing. she's usually just sitting or standing up straight its cool to see her do something
this chase scene is so goood
btw unrelated but this girl is my favorite background extra?? they use her in a TON of bg scenes so. pointing her out to you so that you will notice her forever in other scenes
poor chase. his poor coat. his voice is screaming I LOVED THAT COAT from the future
hehheshgdh carmen is so frustrated that it happened AGAIN with tigress and the stupid thing in the pocket wheeze
HES SO HEARTBROKENKDJSDGFDSG
THE LAMP POST TRANSITIONS BETWEEN EVERYONE RUNNING ARE MY FAAAVORITE I LOVE THOSE
SHE JUST DUMPS THAT GUY OUT OF THE CAR LMAOO
zack using a lil racing metaphor!!! because!! yeah!!!!
this chase scene is so fucking good with all the cars GOD the music and driving through san francisco and everything AUGH
what if the car had just hit chase and he went flying
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I AM NOT INVITING YOU ALONG! I CANNOT BE SLOWED DOWN BY "CAUTION WORDS"
chase is so funny he really sets himself up to fail
i feel bad for julia in this one though. you can see the buildup to next episode when she finally yells at him. shes fucking tired of this shit and yes she should be
carmen is your mom when you go 5 miles above the speed limit
she's one to talk, obviously, seeing as one of the first things she ever did in zack and ivy's presence was run a red light, almost cause an accident, and then fly into an open construction pit, ruining the car she stole from them
the concern in carmen's voice as she attempts to get zack to not crash into a building in an attempt to go up the wall
PLS CARMEN JUST GOES FLYING WHEN THEY GO OVER THOSE HILLS
the little sideyes the other two faculty give when shadowsan and brunt are squabbling shdshgfsdgh
i got to bike across the golden gate bridge it was super cool
THE WOMAN BEAMS HERSELF FROM A FOUNTAIN PEN, SHE CAN DO ANYTHING. well its some kind of respect women juice. maybe not the right kind though
the terror in julia's tone after watching chase not look at the road for a solid minute
annnnd there he goes
julia being done with his shit is so funny i love her
go sheena. scaling the whole ass bridge with her fingertips alone
carmen again sacrificing politeness and basic human decency for a quip </3 oh well
i love that cs color theory post thats like. the golden gate bridge is the epicenter of carmen's power and tigress was a fool for challenging her there
wow look its carmen becoming distracted and disadvantaged by valuable objects people throw at her again
not sheena showing carmen where she put the stamp too. nice job tigress
this showdown is pretty cool
carmen is SO efficient about it she just slides and boom its over. AND she steals the phone
she does look pretty awesome holding the stamp with two fingers though. god
STEALING THE PHONE WAS SUCH A POWER MOVE I LOVE THAT
plus she outed him in front off the whole faculty which is only funny if you dont know what happens next lmaoo
stamp of approval. laugh
tigress just sadly sitting there is also very funny
AND JULIA DRAGGING CHASE OUT OF THE WATERNDSDV
HERE WE GO TRANSITION SENTENCEEE
GO GET HIM!!!!!
WOW i can't believe this Saturday is already going to be the season finale. I LOVE the french connections caper so I am VERY excited for the next episode!! hopefully I won't get so far behind this time. to be fair I was doing state testing and presentations and shit but hopefully the worst of that is over.
alrighty- until next time for the chase dies and then carmen dies caper!!
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It's okay, I got you. I won't let you go. (comfort fic)
. . . Content Desc ! (ノ・ω・)ノ
i am finally back once again after a month. . .
⤿ ;; Mayoi Ayase x Reader
୧ .˚ₓ this is a . . . sad fluff // (technically angst but.. good relationship)
-> TW : overall bad mental state, mentions of su!cidal thoughts. i've had this idea for a fic like this for some time technically to help me out at one point. but, now ive finally decided to actually work on it so this hopefully helps you just as it helped me. ILY <3 you're so pretty/handsome and keep on slaying !!!
^^ word count : 2099 [[ another long one.. sorry ! ]]
, , i kinda felt like changing up my formatting a bit for stuff so. . . hope it looks nice !
`` for once im not going to really write a setting up the scene, i just wanna get into things, seeing as theres not much setup i can really think of . . .
ENJOY (ꈍᴗꈍ)
Staring at the ceiling for hours has become a norm for you as of late. Eyes heavy and tired, bloodshot red from having given into your feelings and bursting into tears once again. Your head can only simply register one thing, a single thought, "Why am I so tired?" But you know why you're tired, you know why you're here. But that's the last thing you want to think about. Maybe if you were to isolate your thoughts so much, it wouldn't seep out onto others, you wouldn't infect them with your incredible burnout and awful mental state. Maybe, if... you just weren't here anymore, you wouldn't have to let anybody down?
It's felt as if almost everything around you is slowly crashing down, the fact that it's all happened so slowly only makes it even worse. Like a "fuck you" that never goes away. Almost as if your new constant stresses and worries don't take up all the time in your day. Eating and sleeping have never felt like such a task, even as little as you've partaken in such tasks over these 2 weeks. "If I'm always hurting someone else or making their day worse, then why shouldn't mine be worse?" Nothing but self destructive thoughts, clawing and chipping away at the usual outspoken vivacious person that is yourself. Counting the hours that pass or occasionally opening your phone just to stare at your lock screen being the only thing keeping you from floating away in that awful fucked up brain of yours.
You feel truly utterly useless, everything you have done or tried to do has lost all its worth. The frowns of other people begin to feel like knives penetrating through you, twisting and mixing your insides, almost making you feel sick. You feel so embarrassed that your only thoughts can be "Why am I here?" or "What's stopping me." Why can't you just be normal? Why can't you just feel happy? You don't like isolating yourself, but you can't bother to leave your room even though it has been days.
As you continue laying there, every blink you make feeling tenfold of what it truly is, you are jolted back to your senses as you hear a soft knock coming from your door. Unable to really ignore it, seeing as you can't really lie about not being home, your car is outside. You return the knock, trying to hide how tired you are, "What happened?" The door then opens a small bit, only being the slightest bit ajar, just barely enough for a head to stick out from it. And that is just what happened, suddenly you see at first small bits of messy plum-purple hair stick in through the small crevice made. Then, you begin to see it, the face of the oh so lovely yet oh so timid Mayoi. At that very moment, it then suddenly hit you... "You've probably had your boyfriend worried sick this whole time." Mayoi had always been the type to show the highest bit of concern for you, no matter what was going on. But, he would never want to invade your privacy, if he think you needed your own space, he'd give just that. Even so, he'd always be right there by your side no matter what, through thick and thin Mayoi was there even if you two haven't decided to move in with each other yet. He would often have his moments where his overwhelming stresses and anxieties get the better of him and he can't help but break into a panic, being able to comfort him and help him through that would send your heart to the moon.
Mayoi's whole head suddenly peeks through the door, you hear a slight rustle coming from what seems to be something in his hand which is obstructed by the doors view. His striking cyan eyes always catch you off guard. It's always as if they are staring into the deepest part of your body, just studying you. With a concerned frown on his face, he can't help but see how tired you look, and seeing your face slightly red from the previous crying you had done only makes him more worried. Finally, Mayoi musters up the courage to say something.
"Y/n.. I'm really worried about you. Y-you haven't come out of your room in a few days, I'm so sorry for being a bother but, d-do you need me to stay for a few days?" Mayoi sounds like he might even shed a tear himself, you are simply shooken to your core seeing his face, the true worry, sadness, confusion. You don't want to leave Mayoi like that, but no matter what it just feels like you can't get your shit together. Feeling such guilt and doing nothing more than blaming yourself for Mayoi's concern, you ask him to come into your room.
He becomes a bit flustered at the request, "Are you sure I should come in? I don't want to invade your space."
"How could such a considerate person deserve me.." you'd think to yourself and you fight the urge to frown even more noticeably. "It's just fine Mayoi, you're welcome into my room at any time, please don't feel worried to step in." You give him the most comforting smile your face can possibly contort into. The plum haired boy begins moving around the scattered clothes and small bits of garbage flooding the ground, trying his very best not to step on anything. Along with the more steps into your room he took, the rustling noise from before had been revealed to you to have been indeed a bag that was hanging from his wrist.
Every second he inches closer to your bed, you can feel your body tensing up, your heart rate only raising. "He shouldn't have to go through all this trouble for me, why do I cause him all this trouble? I should be a normal, loving, happy partner, yet here I am. Doing nothing but causing him trouble. Why do I keep on making mistakes, I'm only hurting him, why would he even stay with me if I'm that much of a bother, why am I even here anymore?!" You can't help but panic, why must you torment yourself like this any time someone dares to care about you, any time someone would even try to open their heart to a vile awful person like you.
Suddenly, as Mayoi reaches your bed, you have lost all track of your thoughts, how far you have sent yourself in terms of blind panic. Because, low and behold, you are already in tears, sitting there right in front of Mayoi. You are only made aware of this once you feel one of the crystal drops run down your cheek, almost tickling it. Mayoi jumps a bit, not expecting this sudden reaction.
"Y-Y/n?! D-did I do something wrong, are you alright?! Please don't cry.... I'm sorry, I'M SORRY!" A billion thoughts rush into Mayoi's head slightly sending him into a panic aswell. You can't help but blame yourself as always for this situation. But, you do the only thing that you think you can do right now, you just... hug him, you latch your arms around Mayoi and you don't let go. Almost having him in a death grip, you can do nothing more than try to let yourself feel the warm embrace and try to calm your boyfriend down. You let out sudden sporadic sobs, not being able to contain all these bottled up feelings, Mayoi suddenly shakes each time you let one of the sobs out.
After choking on your words more than enough, you are finally able to get a few words out. "Mayoi... I'm-" you take a deep breath trying to stop another sob from coming out, "I'm so sorry.." but you couldn't stop it, more tears came out. "I do nothing but hurt you, I do nothing but cause you pain, I keep on bringing you down with my problems. I'm so sorry for everything I've done to you, I don't want to be constantly worrying you, but somehow I can always fuck up and do just that. I keep on fucking up for everyone, no matter how hard I try. I'm just... so tired, I'm tired and I can't do this anymore. It's all so hard, I'm just a waste of space that's been nothing but a useless burden to everyone." You take one last shaky breath, more tears coming, "I'm sorry....". You can no longer comprehend any basic words to use to express how you feel, absolutely out of any energy to say anything more. You just dig your head into Mayoi's shoulder, and once again hug him.
It takes a while for anything else to happen, but that's fine with you, just being in Mayoi's arms gives you a sense of comfort, but an unimaginable sense of pain. His hand begins to reach for your hair, as he shakily strokes it, just like a parent would with their child trying to lull them to sleep.
"Y/n... you haven't done a single thing wrong. I'm so sorry these feelings have been bothering you so much. Please tell me... y/n" He hesitates, slowing down the gentle strokes in your h/c hair, "Are y-you okay y/n? I'm really sorry for asking but, I can't see you so sad like this. I'm in no place to assume how you feel, so please, if you have anything going on, you can tell me."
Knowing Mayoi would be willing to give that kind of space to open up about how you feel, you decide to finally let it out. Though the embarrassment won't go away, though all the bad thoughts feel so loud, you can't keep this from him anymore. It's not worth keeping it all in anymore, not when Mayoi is so concerned about you. You suddenly begin to let everything out, talking about your struggles, your constant concerns, and well.. the thoughts you've had. Being as brutally honest as you can is all you can do, but you make sure to remind Mayoi that none of this is his fault and in no ways are you upset at him. The last thing you would want is to have him panicking which would only make things worse. The fact that he is even here listening to you, and so intently as he is already enough of a shocker.
"That's... about all, I'm so sorry about the mess aswell, I'm just.. a mess right now." You sigh as you look downward with a look of shame and embarrassment that you'd let things get this low. It takes Mayoi a bit of time to find the right words to say, a process which normally would take him a fair amount of time. Once finding out what he wants to say and how to say it, he gently holds your hand, looking into your e/c eyes with the same look you always get as you stare into his eyes.
"Y/n, you've never been anything of a bother, I should have checked on you more. Never would I believe you deserve any of this..." He pauses. Getting lost in your gaze, which shakes him up a bit, he regains his grounds, "I-i want to help you in any ways that I can... I love you, and I will be here for you. Though I am nowhere close to anything above average, I want to love and care for you in whatever ways I can. Everything is going to be okay y/n, I got you. I won't let you go."
The last sentence he let out shook you to your core, and you could feel yourself tearing up again. You then fall right into him, but not suddenly enough to catch him off guard, and you just lay there. Never has an embrace felt so... comforting, so loving, so reassuring. But, Mayoi has proved a hug like that can exist and that yes... everything might end up really being okay. After some time, you sit back up. Mayoi looks to his left where he had placed the bag he had in hand down during the breakdown, and he passes you the bag.
"I'm s-sorry if you aren't hungry, but just in case you are, I got you your favorite." He slightly blushes as you open the bag to find a large assortment of foods and snacks you like; you can't help but smile and look at him.
"Thank you Mayoi... thank you, I love you"
#enstars#ensemble stars#comfort#comfort fic#mayoi ayase#ayase mayoi#enstars x y/n#enstars x reader#ensemble stars x reader#ensemble stars x y/n#ilysm
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If you're sorta making this into a vtuber account i might as well ask you, with those pngtuber models, do you have a guide on how to get started with them? Also, do characters need to have humanlike face proportions to be able to like, work correctly? What if you wanted to make a bird, where the mouth is like really long and beak shaped? Would that be a problem for the honk stuff?
God this looks incomprehensible, sorry
not incomprehensible at all! whenever i get a chance i would definitely love to put together tutorials, both quick step-by-step guides and longer videos (bc idk about you but for me, the ideal is when BOTH types of tutorial exist lmao!!!)
in the meantime, there are tons of tutorials that already exist on youtube for pngtubing, and a few for setting up in honk specifically, but i'm not sure how many exist for best ways to actually draw the model and organize parts (layer organization etc) and stuff like that bc i didn't look for those when i was getting started. when i get around to it any guides i make will probably be more about that than the tech stuff, bc other people already have the tech covered!
honk has documentation/guides of its own, and the community page on itch.io can be really good for troubleshooting specific issues. honk is my primary recommendation if you want to get into pngtubing -- the program is paid ($12 USD) and model setup is a bit more laborious, but only in the beginning, and i think the liveliness of the lip sync and the eye tracking is well worth it! a downside is that honk doesn't currently have gif support, which a lot of other pngtubing programs do have, but there are plans to add it in the future.
this is the method i've used for setting up a discord reactive pngtuber (the second method on the page, "stream kit reactive images" - i know it may seem like a lot of steps, but if you take your time and follow the instructions closely it's not so bad! i am NOT tech savvy and still figured it out, so anyone can.) you only need discord and OBS to run this setup, and you can fiddle with it to do collabs (multiple people's pngtubers all on screen at the same time, lighting up and talking while you're in a discord call! fun for multiplayer games), but of course it can also be your main setup with just you alone in a private voice channel as your mic input.
and a good middle ground between honk and the discord reactive setup would be a program like veadotube mini! it does the same thing as the discord reactive setup (display a talk sprite when you're talking and a silent one when you're not), but in a self-contained program on your computer just like honk. i haven't used veadotube myself, but i see other pngtubers mention it as their program of choice.
i do have one video up of myself rigging my model in honk -- i wouldn't call it a guide or a tutorial though, because it's very informal and we also ran into a pretty annoying bug that made the process go less smoothly than i would have hoped :') (also the first few mins of video are muted bc my music got dmca flagged lmfao but the important stuff is all there!) but anyway if you just want a quick look at how a model looks getting put together in the program you might find that interesting.
you could ABSOLUTELY do something like the bird u described in honk, it's really really flexible. the way honk works is u just have to have different images drawn for different lip synch mouth shapes (try googling "animation lip sync mouth shapes" and check out the image results for an idea of what i mean), assign them to different consonant/vowel sounds in the program, and it automatically matches it up for you with voice recognition. so imo the challenge in that case would be an art challenge (figure out how you want to draw lip sync shapes with a beak), not a technical/program-specific challenge. but if you didn't feel like fucking with all that, you could just repeatedly use the same open beak image for all the sounds, and it would just make the beak open and close when you talk!
i haven't tried making a honk model where the mouth breaks the silhouette, which might be the case with a bird character like that depending on how you have the head angled, but theoretically i don't see why it would be an issue. a regular pngtuber would be really straightforward as well!
#vtuber#pngtuber#i wanna tag this something memorable so i can find it again if someone asks lol#idk uhhhh.#save#ALSO forgot to mention this but i don't want to actually do tutorials until my own workflow is uh. more optimized#because right now it's really hacky and stupid sometimes lmao!!! it works but i dont want to like. kind of Teach ppl to do stuff in a way-#-that's unnecessarily complicated or obtuse just bc i happen to be plowing my way through without a care#vtubing help
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okay so i know you are a sanderson fan and i wonder if you have opinions on the order in which to get into his books, series to start with etc.
what a delightful question! wlecome to the cosmere - it's a wonderful, wonderful world!
for reference, i have read:
mistborn era 1
most of mistborn era 2 (have started, but not finished, #4)
stormlight 1-4 (i've read the lift novella but not dawnshard)
warbreaker
most of elantris
most of arcanum unbounded
the easiest answer is that bransan himself has a recommended reading order here, although i don't think it's super up to date
warbreaker and elantris are standalones (as of right now), although i don't think anyone (himself included) consider them his best work. but, if you don't want to commit to thousands of pages, they're good examples of his writing, and i did enjoy them quite a bit (warbreaker more than elantris, but i liked them both just fine). they're also good to read before stormlight - a lot of warbreaker has started to make its way into stormlight.
i started with mistborn era 1, which i recommend - it's really accessible even if you haven't read any fantasy before and introduces you to his magic systems and his writing style (the famous sanderlanche, the truly insane plot twists). if you're comfortable reading a trilogy of approximately 600-800 page books, i'd start there (and honestly final empire is so good and is worth reading on its own imo). mistborn era 2 is less good and should be read after era 1 - it has less cosmere wide importance at this point. this is what i've read most recently.
i would recommend reading stormlight last. it's hefty (currently four books are out, totaling around 4500 pages), but i also think it's some of his best work and it's true high fantasy at its finest (way of kings is so fucking good and it's literally 1000+ pages of setup and also words of radiance is maybe my favorite book of all time). it is a huge commitment and is the series that draws most on the cosmere universe at large so i recommend reading it after most of his other cosmere related books. however, it's a great time to hop on the stormlight train because #5 comes out this year and you can experience that live. stormlight is slated to be 10 books, but there will be a significant timeskip after 5 and he envisions them as two halves, so this arc will be complete come december.
i haven't gotten to any of last year's secret projects yet (tress, yumi, sunlit man, frugal wizard). reviews are that they're not his best work, but they may be good introductions to his writing (with the exception of sunlit man which should be read after stormlight) and are again less commitment than his other series .
i also haven't read white sand, but that's a completely different medium and also they're apparently impossible to get ahold of (although it sounds like there's new editions in the works).
as for non-cosmere, i haven't read either the cytoverse or alcatraz and the evil librarians, but i've heard good things about both! they're both written for a younger audience, though, so will feel distinctly different than his other writing.
so, long story short i'd recommend starting with either one of the standalones (warbreaker, elantris) or mistborn (but really if you're up for it i'd strongly, strongly recommend starting with mistborn - it's really really good), then turning to stormlight.
#i hope this was helpful!#let me know if you have any more questions. i really am so fond of the cosmere#his books have problems but they are still really really good and mean a lot to me#brandon sanderson#cosmere#ask#answered
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MAC I HAVE A QUESTION. VERY IMPORTANT. what on EARTH is the suckening. i have seen posts on ur blog with blood and such tagged jrwi suckening and i am so so intrigued i love blood and gore and fucked up homoeroticism <3 pls pls pls tell me what the suckening is i am on my knees begging rn
oh dude holy fucking shit . so. u know i have been posting about jrwi it has been my main thing since like november. well. in case u do not know. its a dnd podcast run by charlie slimecicle, grizzlyplays, condifiction and bizly. their main campaign is called Riptide and its the one with the fish guy and all the pirates. WELL. they have a patreon and on their patreon they sometimes do mini campaigns! let me preface this by saying i have never even REMOTELY had an interest in paying for ANYTHING on patreon only because i fuckinf hate subscription payments and also im usually hesitant about paying money for fandom things especially in the content creator sphere etc etc you know how it is . HOWEVER. god their pther campaigns are so fucking worth it dude. the long running secondary main campaign thats been going along around the same time as riptide is called Prime Defenders and its a superhero themed one! i am just at the beginning of season 2 rn its so good william wisp my absolute beloved. (something else rlly cool is that they rotate being the dm for each of the campaigns and i think that makes each of them really fresh and unique bc everyone has a different dm style and a different way of telling a story. god i fucking love dnd and collaborative storytellint its incredible)
ANYWAY IM GRTTING SIDETRACKED. so during hiatuses from riptide and pd they sometimes run limited campaigns that only go for a handful of epsiodes. one of this is. regrettably. called the Suckening. its run using the vampires: masquerade ttrpg setup and ruleset which is. obviously. centered around vampires. CHARLIE SLIMECICLE is the dm and i fucking love it because god that man has a mind for horror. (he also ran blood in the bayou which was a 4-epispde mini campaign using call of cthulu and ive listened to it like 3 times now bc its got nasty bug body horror in it hooooly shit its so good) ANYWAY. um . its not *as* homoerotic as the fanart makes it out to be. just a warning. but there is a scene where two homies drink each others blood (one is a human one is a vampire. theres this think in the masquerade called blood bonding and its like. if you get a human to drink your blood on three separate occasions they become your servant basically. really homoerotic stuff in theory) and when the vampire is scolded for it he goes "well he already loves me. hes my boy" and they generally have that dynamic going on. fizzfangs i lvoe you.
ANYWAY UHHHHH. the first ... four? five? episodes are up for free on YouTube and theyve got a fun little visual novel style to them with the official character art :] heres a link 2 the first ep!!
youtube
the rest (there are 8 episodes as of rn!) are totally on patreon but if u end up listening and liking them enough to want the rest hit me up because ive got those download links i can share with u bc ur my beloved mutual and i love sharing things with my friends so they dont have to pay for them <3
#whiskey PLEASE if u end up listening. plead efor the love of god talk to me about jrwi#its been in my brain for so fucking long dude i love them so much. obsessed. unhealthily#gillion tidestrider has taken up permanent residence in my mind. hello gillion i love you.#if u want a breakdown of the player characters (and also soda) i would be happy 2 give them to u. but this ask was already so long#this is my can of worms you cannot open it ill be so annoying.#i was feeling a specific type of way last night which is why you suddenly saw an influx of fizzfangs posts im not sorry it will happen again#oh also grefgor is there hes my angel the light of my life. i fucking love everything about grefgor forever#from the top rope my prince!#hes like. u know when theres a prince and a knight and theyre a little gay about it. yeah.#i looooove grefgor.... i love shilo i love emizel i ESPECIALLY love soda#....arthur is there too i guess#hehe#friends!!!#asks#hi whsikey. im going to be so annoying to you
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Books of 2022
Not including DNFs.
“The Authentic William James” by Stephen Gallagher - a British show cowboy is accused of setting a theater fire that killed a German noble. Sebastian Becker, special investigator for the British Crown, must find the accused so he can be scapegoated before rumors of assassination spark a pan-European war. Along the way, Sebastian finds that the accused man’s daughter has been kidnapped by another, rather more authentic stage cowboy. This book has an awful lot, folks: murder, Theatre, cowboys, turn-of-the-century Hollywood, labor rights, addiction, insane asylums, and more! Fans of “Murder with the Devil and Friends” will probably enjoy this one (I did). Recommended.
“The Amulet of Samarkand” by Jonathan Stroud (reread) - A young magician in the heart of the British Empire summons a djinni to steal an artifact from the man who humiliated him, and fucks it up worse than any other protagonist I’ve ever read. The story is half told from his perspective, and half told from the perspective of the snarky, self-aggrandizing djinni whom he has enslaved to carry out the theft. Mr. Stroud did not pull his punches with this one, I tell you what. Still, it works infinitely better as part of a trilogy than on its own, maybe more than any other Book One I’ve read. Recommended.
“The Golem’s Eye” by Jonathan Stroud (reread) - MR. STROUD DID NOT PULL HIS PUNCHES WITH THIS ONE, I TELL YOU WHAT. Our young magician from the last book continues fucking things up, but this time while the djinni ruthlessly roasts him for his fashion sense while the two of them try to get to the bottom of a series of mysterious break-ins. We also get to spend some time with our third protagonist, a young woman who has a resilience to magic and is part of a small Resistance, whose goal is to break the stranglehold the magicians have on the government. Boy, if you thought Book 1 was scathingly critical of empires and those who run them, Book 2 doubles down on it hard. Chillingly relevant, despite being written in 2004. Stroud also does a great job writing a protagonist who exhibits the very real disease of being 14. Recommended. (Bonus points for correctly attributing golems to Jewish tradition!)
“Ptolemy’s Gate” by Jonathan Stroud (reread) - MR. STROUD DID NOT COME TO FUCK AROUND, GODDAMN. The thrilling conclusion to the Bartimaeus trilogy, and it really delivers on every front. No setup goes without payoff. Honestly, it feels like these 3 books are really just one very long book, because details from Book 1 and Book 2 come back with real significance, little fanfare, and a hell of a lot of momentum. I really fucking love this series, and this book drives home why. Recommended.
“How to be an Antiracist” by Ibram X. Kendi - Dr. Kendi defines racism, antiracism, and many related terms and intersections, goes through the origins and history of racism as well as his own journey from being raised in a racist world to choosing to be antiracist. A greatly clarifying and galvanizing read, at least for me. Dense at times, but well worth slowing down for. Recommended.
“Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation: Vol 2” by MXTX - Things get much worse but also much gayer for our fast-talking protagonist - although really the vast majority of this book is about side-stories that happened many years in the past. The side-stories are really good though, and add to the narrative tension rather than distracting from it. I really do think this series (and probably all MXTX novels) could be used as a masterclass in non-linear storytelling. Recommended.
“Kingdom Hearts: Final Mix” (vol. 1) by Shiro Amano - An abridged version of the story of KH1 told in graphic novel format: kid’s world is swallowed by darkness, he gets separated from his two friends, he somehow acquires a magic key-sword that lets him fight the creatures of darkness, he goes on a quest to find his friends and ends up saving a bunch of Disney worlds along the way. It’s got some interesting little tidbits and alternate translations (and very, very cute art), so I certainly enjoyed it. Recommended if you’re already a KH fan or if you want to get the basic story without playing several hundred hours of games or watching a few dozen hours of cutscenes.
“Heaven Official’s Blessing: Vol 2” by MXTX - The plot thickens and things get worse for the protagonist (and isn't that just a summary of all MXTX novels?). I had some trouble with keeping all the names straight in this one because everyone has three names and it's a little trickier when I don't have a face to pin them all to, but it's still a good read. You can feel the plot putting on weight like a teenager getting ready for a growth spurt. Plus there's a really fun scene in a gambling den that is simultaneously the most chaste and the dirtiest thing I've ever read in published fiction. Recommended.
“Dracula” by Bram Stoker (reread, via Dracula Daily) - A fresh methodology on the old classic. I'd forgotten some of the twists and turns since I read this book back in high school, and the "daily" format is something I'd long wanted to engage in (i.e., reading a book that has a set timeline according to that timeline). The community of memes and analyses was a great joy to partake in, too. Recommended, particularly via Dracula Daily (there's always next year!)
"Dreadnought" by April Daniels - A teenage trans girl inherits a superhero mantle that not only gives her superpowers, but the body she's always wanted. This causes a tremendous amount of problems and immediately flings her into a mire of political turmoil while having to navigate high school and an abusive father. This is a book that knows its stuff back to front and remixes it adeptly. Recommended, but with trigger warnings for abuse, transphobia, and some fairly disturbing gore (and that's coming from me).
"Heaven Official's Blessing: Vol 3" by MXTX - The plot thickens, and things get worse for the protagonist. No, I mean really, REALLY worse. But there's also a damn good kiss in there, and plenty of other fun stuff to keep it from being oppressively grim. Recommended.
"Ancillary Justice" by Ann Leckie - A fragment of a ship's AI, confined to a human body, seeks revenge for the murder of her favorite lieutenant. Unfortunately, the person she's seeking vengeance against happens to be the emperor of a massive, millennia-old space empire, whose consciousness occupies a thousand bodies. A sedately paced, intricately built story about love and imperialism and culture and war and music. If you like Robots With Feelings, complex political dramas, or conlangs, this book is for you. Recommended.
"Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation: Vol 3" by MXTX - This one is primarily flashback, although not all the same flashback (have I mentioned the whole "masterclass in nonlinear storytelling" thing yet?) and stitched together in a way that flows naturally and keeps you reading to the very end. Also, a damn good kiss in there (vol 3 seems to be the magic number for that). But also also, some really fucking horrifying gore, to the point that I went: "who looked at this and decided they could make a show that got past the censors?" I mean, they were right, whoever they were, they managed it and "The Untamed" kicked ass, but I have to wonder what kind of person rolled up their sleeves to do it. Recommended.
"The Long Earth" by Stephen Baxter and Terry Pratchett - The course of human history is forever changed when a rogue scientist releases the designs for a device that allows people to step to parallel Earths, all of which seem to be uninhabited. A young man named Joshua, able to step without the aid of a device, is recruited by an artificial intelligence to go on an expedition to find what's at the end of the seemingly infinite stack of Earths. An interesting read with a lot of cool speculation about alternate Earths and some very grounded and unfortunately relevant observations on the nature of humanity. It doesn't read like a Pratchett, although it has some very Pratchett-esque concepts in it. I liked it okay, but not enough to particularly want to read any of the sequels.
"Moving Pictures" by Terry Pratchett (reread) - The wild ideas of Holy Wood are escaping into the Discworld and causing hauntingly familiar scenes to play out in a little spit of desert by the sea - but anywhere where Things That Don't Exist can become Things That Do Exist, there will be Things That Want To Exist trying to come through.... Dryly funny as standard for Pratchett, and probably at least a quarter written just to see how many film references he could upend in one go. Featuring (what I think are) the first appearances of Gaspode The Wonder Dog and Archchancellor Munstrum Ridcully. Recommended.
"Fadeout" by Joseph Hanson - Dave Brandstetter, an insurance investigator who is "contentedly gay," investigates the mysterious disappearance of a small-town entertainer who hit the big time. Atmospheric, noir-adjacent, and pleasantly twisty, this mystery also benefits from half the cast being queer. It would be excellent if written today, and considering that it was written in the sixties, it's in a league of its own. Recommended.
"Are Prisons Obsolete?" by Angela Davis - A novelette-length essay on the origins, consequences, and possible alternatives to the prison-industrial complex, as well as a litany of reasons why it's imperative for the health of our society that the carceral state be dismantled. Thought-provoking and perspective-shifting in many ways. Recommended.
"Station Eternity" by Mur Lafferty - Mallory Viridian seems to constantly be followed by murders - and constantly finds herself solving them, too. She thought escaping Earth to a sentient space station would free her from her 'curse,' but, whoops, it doesn't. Featuring multiple sentient alien species, military interferism plots, eighty percent of a romance, and several murder cases across space and time, this felt like a book trying to do too many things at once, each interfering with the execution of the others. The detective story got lost in the space station story, and the space station story suffered from having to serve a detective story. The dialogue and the plot both clunked audibly at times, although the third act featured a clever twist and a fairly satisfying finale. The book wasn't so grating that I gave up on it, but I was glad to be done with it.
"Iron Widow" by Xiran Jay Zhao - A young woman living in a world that’s a milieu of ancient and modern China seeks vengeance against the celebrity kaiju pilot who killed her sister. And then seeks vengeance against the system which allowed said sister to be killed. And then decides: "since this system is fucking over everyone and everything I care about, how about I fuck it right back?" It's like Pacific Rim meets Handmaid's Tale meets real Chinese history, and that’s not even getting into the nuanced and incisive meditations on gender and sexuality. Recommended, but with content warnings for body horror, familial abuse, heavily implied sexual assault, and hardcore misogyny.
#books of 2022#my goal was to read more books this year than last year#and i managed it (just barely)#otoh my reviews got MUCH longer this year lmao
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"Finished" PC Build
Backstory: Starting 2023 I was still running a cobbled together mess of a PC, the heart of which was a Dell Studio XPS desktop from 2010. Yes, THIRTEEN YEARS old. I got 2 of them from a gaming company in 2012 for the price of a tank of gas, thanks to knowing someone working there that had been tasked with E-wasting all the Windows PCs. Company was switching to iOS dev.
Anyway, at its heart was the Dell Mobo, which featured a 1st Gen i5-920. By this point, the OG GPU was long gone and I had "upgraded" with a 1050TI. 16gigs of DDR3 RAM. This basic as hell setup had served me admirably for a decade, for a couple reasons.
I run Linux.
I have never been a HEAVY PC GAMER. Sure, I have gamed on PC since I first got one in 2005 (yeah, kinda late to the game, considering I was almost 30, lol), but I mostly used my PC for World of Warcraft, other similar MMOs, and what are now called Indie games on Steam. I've had consoles from like 6yrs old, and I tend to prefer them as they are the cheap option for gaming. I appreciate what a modern PC can do (esp lately with RT etc) but like, more often than not PC gaming can be as much of a chore as it can be fun.
Now, starting around March 2023, that old PC began having strange errors with the RAM, which would cause Firefox to crash tabs/completely, among other things. Eventually it broke my Linux Mint OS badly enough it just stopped allowing me to login. Finally figured out the HDD I had was failing and got an SSD. Installed Garuda on it and pretty quickly realized I had Mobo issues as the RAM was still reporting less DIMMs than it had, half the time.
At this point, a friend that was aware of the issues offered to mail me an i5-6400, to build a "new" system around. Naturally I accepted and bought a Fractal Meshify 2, some new DDR4 RAM, DeepCool Gammax, and a used MSI Krait Gaming Mobo. Stuck the new parts in the new case, and moved over storage/GPU from old PC. Booted and updated the OS, then launched WoW. Still getting 10fps in Valdrakken. Shit. Guess I need to upgrade this GPU.
So I bought an RX 6800. Stuck it in the case and booted. Updated the OS, which brought the Mesa drivers on board. Launched WoW again. 10fps again. What the fuck. Thought maybe swapping from Nvidia to AMD might have left over some driver mess, so I fresh installed Garuda and got all set up. Logged WoW Main again. STILL 10fps. WTF. Took my Main to SW, stood in front of the bank, then logged an alt with NO UI. Holy shit, there's a 35fps difference between them. My UI was broken, lol. Spent a day fixing that. Now I get 20fps in Valdrakken, but 55ish everywhere else. This is good.. but... What if I upgraded the core to something current gen, say AM5?
Finally we arrive at the part the title of this post suggested, building the "new" PC. I went to Newegg and picked out a Ryzen 5 7600X, MSI Mag B650 Tomahawk WIFI Mobo, G.SKILL FlareX5 32g RAM kit, and a TFORCE 2TB M.2 SSD. I also got a "free" 1TB Sata SSD with the CPU, it was also a TFORCE. The following are the pics of the "build" process. There will also be an aside for a complication. ProTip: be real fucking sure everything you want to put into a PC is absolutely compatible. Some things say they are when they aren't. You'll see what I mean.
Here's the parts laid out and ready to be installed.
This Mobo has a ton of IO.
The iFixit "Pro Tech" toolkit. I got it on sale for I wanna say 80 bucks a few months ago, as of today it's listed for $75, and I think it's definitely worth the money.
Here we see the 3 M.2 slots. 2 of them have included heat sinks. Nice.
ProTip: Remember to peel the fucking plastic off these thermal pads, cause they don't really work with it on there.
Like a glove.
ProTip: it's real damn important to make sure you put the RAM in the proper dual channel config on an AMD system. On this motherboard there is a little diagram pointing out that the slots the sticks are in clearly say "first" on them, which is a nice touch. If you look closely, you can barely make out the very fuzzy diagram printed just above the heat sink bracket on the right hand side of the CPU.
Storage in place with the little "carder heat sink" strip in place. This SSD came with its own heat sink but I'm going to use the one that came with the board.
Like so.
And here's the board, ready to go into the case for further assembly.. however, it was at this point that i realized that the EVGA 650w PSU I had didn't have two 8pin(4x4) CPU cables. I got it open box, no manuals etc, and could have sworn it had 2 cables but I was wrong. Makes sense, really, 650 watts would be cutting it too close with this build. Bummer.
Ok, well I can at least move over my DeepCool Gammax heat sink. I looked at the listing from when I bought it and it says "AM5 compatible". I watched a vid that said "hey as long as your cooler doesn't use a back plate, it should work with AM5"
LIES, BOTH OF THEM. I tried to get the DeepCool on there but the brackets didn't quite line up, and then even if I could kinda fudge it a little to make that work, the screws were threaded differently. Fuck. So at this point, in the middle of a somewhat heavy storm, I had to make a run to Best Buy and hope the store really did have the things the website said it did. Thankfully, it did (and I guess yay for living in a decent area or something? cause I've heard stories about BBs having like 3 PSUs from one brand, so "my" store having 19 from 6 brands is luxury, it seems. I miss Fry's). Picked up an EVGA GT 850w 80+ Gold with auto Eco Mode and a Cooler Master Hyper 212 Halo, which was extremely lucky as it was the only one in the store.
That out of the way, the build can continue.
Coming along nicely. Sorry about the quality of some of these pics btw, I'm getting old so the eyes ain't what they were plus I had been dealing with this for several hours by now so I was also cranky and kinda rushing through the pics part. They looked good on the phone, less so once I moved them to the PC, heh.
Oh thank fuck, it posts. Ignore the slightly dirty desk, I been busy damn it.
That's looking clean as fuck. Yeah that old USB IO thing is old and kinda looks stupid but like, never can have enough ports, right?
I really do like this Fractal Meshify 2 case. It's laid out super well and is a breeze to build in. I mean just look at that cable routing, yo. And I was kinda rushing and not really being that finicky about it lol.
And it's home. Yeah, yeah, I know I need to clean up the cable situation on the left, there. I'll get to it. Also yes, there's some rust on that standing desk pole. I got it for free and it had been sitting outside. I've meant to clean that up but just haven't gotten to it, heh. Living in an RV as a not small dude (6ft1 240lbs or so) makes doing things like this just kinda suck, honestly. Add another person to the mix and yeah things can get tight. A 28ftx8ft box to live in just ain't the best time in the world, lol. We make do, though.
Finally, I figure I can give one nod to the RGB fans, so here you go. The Halo's fan in all its glory. I have since installed OpenRGB and managed, even on Linux, to gain access to the RGB controller and set the brightness to minimum.
I have run some benchmarks with Phoronix. I guess at least one person who might read this may be interested, especially Linux fans? So here's links to those:
GLmark2
Unigine Valley
Blender - this is an all tests, best of 3 run. Took a couple hours, which meant it was a great stress test for the CPU. I had no problems, which is impressive as the CPU sat at what I understand to be the throttle point temp of 95C. Yeah. I'm going to be looking into a better cooling solution or at least add another fan to the heat sink and see if that helps.
There's also 3 tests from when I was running the i5-6400 with the RX 6800.... if you wanna see what happens to a GPU when you severely bottleneck it, lol. If anyone actually reading this is interested you can just click "System Logs" on any of the links above, then "Show System Information" which will take you to a list of all benchmarks I've done so far.
Well, I guess that's it. Hope this was interesting and/or amusing to whoever reads this. Thanks for taking the time.
Edit*******
Oh and by the way, I launched WoW again after I finished, despite it being late and I was sore and tired. But I just had to see. I am now unable to get less than 35-40fps in Valdrakken, and I'm averaging nearly 100 anywhere else. I actually saw 130fps a few times. I'm not sure I've ever seen that high a number even when I flew as high as is allowed and looked straight up, lol.
In other words: yes, it was worth it. Especially if I can manage to baby this thing well enough it lasts me at least a few years before I "have" to think about upgrading it. Again.
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as someone who had to go to college bc it was the only conceivable way for me to escape an abusive environment, striaght up: dont go to college. your post is so true, if youre mentally ill (or physically ill, esp chronically) No One Gives A SHIT. i had an incident where i had to go to urgent care i was so sick and my professor was still like "Well. you need to show up to class or youre absent. if you have 2 absences, you fail automatically." so i had to show up half-dead. no one helps you. im also bipolar and went to my college's counselor for help and while she was a lovely woman she didnt support me much there she didnt know much about the disorder. the only way i was able to graduate was bc i was getting an art degree and making things i was already going to make anyway, if that makes sense, and ironically my anxiety disorder was helpful but oh my god it was so bad for my mental health!! so bad and awful!!
tldr: fuck everybody who starts berating you college sucks and theyre all fucking ableist as hell AND on TOP of that it is just such a classist ass money pit and its Not Fucking Worth It
THIS IS EXACTLY HOW IT IS and its SO FUNNY when people tell me to ''get a scholarship'' because news flash asshole; scholarships expect things from you like Bs in all your classes and to actually gaduate, when I can barely pull it together for a B in a class im GOOD AT in HIGHSCHOOL.
I WAS ALSO IN SPECIAL EDUCATION! My math class only went up to a 6th grade level, I never did pre-algebra! I dont even know how to go calculus or trig or any math involving letters and complex systems because my own highschool special education classes didnt teach me it because I wasnt capable enough for it yet! So even if i try to go into college on a scholarship theyll definitely revoke mine and make me pay for it in full once I have a manic episode and stop showing up for a week and then come back and have to tell my teachers ''yeah i never learned any of this in highschool. i was smoking cigarettes in dugouts instead of going to class''
like i am just Not someone who will make it through college unless they give me 30 different accomodations because I already dont have the money to deal with my Mysterious Body Proclems and my severe mixed bipolar that sends me into hysterics monthly in rapid cycles. Not to mention in highschool they found out that i just literally cannot learn in your typical school setup of sitting in a classroom with other people but they wont allow me to do homeschooling/online classes because im so Bipolar that if im left by myself for a long periods of time i may hurt myself. So im literally the most physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially unfit person for college 😭👍 AND I DONT EVEN HAVE ANYTHING I WANNA GO TO SCHOOL FOR!!! IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH AT ART FOR AN ART DEGREE, I CANT DO MATH, I AM TOO MENTALLY UNSTABLE FOR THINGS LIKE SOCIAL OR RELIGIOUS STUDIES, ETC.
Literally just a crockpot of unwell yet every time people find out i never went to college they act like im some dead end loser destined for nothing like gee thanks this makes me feel way better about myself, i bet you love making me feel bad from your ivory tower because you think im just lazy and not a literal psychotic threat to myself on every level. drives me MAD!
#i just wanna be a custodian with a girlfriend dont tell me to go to college thats just the equiv of saying i should contemplate the noose#because stepping into any sort of classroom for more than 15 minutes makes the rope from the ceiling sound more pleasant AAAAAA
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Kyle Deserved Better (An Unhinged Essay I Just Spent All Day On)
I have too many thoughts about Kyle and neither the heart nor energy to put them into a fic/art, so I'm just going to grumble a little bit about his missed potential for a bit under the cut here lmao.
God help us.
GCDC's plot robbed that boy.
Spoilers for, like, all of GCDC under the cut. I'm also going to talk about how Kyle has plural swag and both him and his sister desperately need some fucking therapy.
This is REALLY long, and I am only kind of sorry.
Images mostly to help break the text up for ease of reading. They are all sourced from the wiki (or in a single case, fabi_nim on Twitter because the wiki doesn't have W12 cutscenes yet lol).
Specifically, I've spent all day at work just thinking about the setup and payoff of the Dark Kyle plotline.
Pretty early on, the seed that there is some weird shit going on with Kyle is sown. Grandiel is always cagey about Kyle's well being, in large part because he's afraid of being trapped by fate (something that is reinforced and repeated throughout the narrative of his written thoughts).
When Kyle finally gets "healed" in Forest of Life (GCDC), Grandiel even mentions Baldinar by name, drawing their relationship closer as the reveal draws nearer in World 3 about the nature of the two kids. This reveal is, of course, that both Kyle and Cindy have Baldinar's prana (aka: parts of his soul). They were both part of the machinations he underwent trying to revive the person he loved.
The narrative doesn't explicitly say why the facilities created the siblings, but while I was at work today, it kind of struck me that it's possible they were intentionally made to look the way they did, not because they were intended to be proxies of Baldinar and the Town Girl, but possibly because they were intended to be the children Baldinar and her would have had. Essentially, they are the personified grief for a life that was lost to tragedy.
With the information we get during the Underworld arc, I was thinking about how Cindy never got stricken by memories from Baldinar, while Kyle seems to have inherited them all (so much so that looking at his sister reminds him of Baldinar's dead lover). Kyle takes after Baldinar's personality more explicitly than Cindy, being prideful and headstrong, and, as Baldinar himself states in the epilogue for the World 3 raid: "You were a part of me, but became so different... Even when you are in pain, you never say it. You just joke your way out of it."
(As an aside, it's worth noting that Cindy's growing obsession with her concern for Kyle following his descent and kidnapping may be intended to parallel Baldinar's own fervor for reviving his dead lover. In Baldinar's case, he was willing to destroy anything to bring her back. In Cindy's case, she's willing to destroy herself to bring Kyle back. Both are self-destructive, inevitably, because of how much they love someone else more than they can reason. This is also noticeable in her prologue story for her SR healer unit: notice how she is surrounded by books in a dark, ominous lighting, a lot like Baldinar was in the arc leading up to his villainization.)
I think it would even be fair to call Kyle a personification of Baldinar's trauma, or a desire for simpler times. He inherited Baldinar's trauma, after all, when the Tower of Memories released its light. It's a large part of what allowed Heitaros to take hold of him and send him spiraling into the darkness. It's also worth noting that all this is on top of Kyle being both a teenager (though, also note that both Kyle and Cindy age very fast due to being homonculi, so his actual age is very young) and having lived his own personal traumas through nearly dying multiple times, alongside the rest of the plot.
(Again, obviously Cindy goes through all of this as well, but Cindy at least gets some of her trauma response highlighted by the narrative beyond "manipulated plot device screaming in agony a few times while the plot laser keeps them from being a character." Cindy spends the whole adventure also seeing Kyle nearly die because of how reckless he is.)
We see Kyle get tricked in the lead-up to his kidnapping, and during that, Kyle keeps hearing the voice of Baldinar and his memories; his faint recollection or hearing of Baldinar's voice is a constant throughout the story, though it's moreso implied than explicitly stated. Consider how he heard the voice of someone calling out to Baldinar in Act 11.1 (the first stage of Kounat), explicitly tying Kyle to Baldinar's memories. The line quoted here, if I had to make a guess, is potentially a reference to Grandiel's dialogue in Kounat's Collapse (a notoriously badly-translated dungeon from GCC): "Let's start over, Baldinar" (GCDC) vs "Let's go back to the way it was..." (GCC).
All this is to say, Kyle is connected to Baldinar's prana in a way that Cindy is not drawn out to be.
This difference in the siblings is most noticeable when Kyle receives the weight of Baldinar's memories, but it's also noticeable in the way Heitaros is able to communicate with Kyle. In Act 16.8, Kyle begins to hear someone calling out to him, which is implied to be Heitaros. He finds himself alone, only hearing the voice for a moment before being snapped back to the world around him. Eventually, this ends up with Kyle alone in the Tower of Memories, being confronted by who he thinks to be Baldinar. Heitaros, disguised as Baldinar, encourages Kyle to stop resisting the taint in his prana (his "instinct," as the English translation puts it), making it easier for Kyle to slip into darkness.
We don't see Kyle for a long time after this, but every time he shows up henceforth, he appears to be in a lot of pain-- enough so that he's difficult to keep hold of (passing from Heitaros's hands, to Jupiter's Angels, back to Nelia's). He's also in a constant vulnerable state, easily manipulated through his pain and fear of weakness, which we see through Amal'thea's manipulation of Kyle during the Terre Gate arc.
Actually, the Terre Gate arc and what little we do get developing Kyle during his pain is a large part of why it hit me today just how pissed I am about the missed potential of his story.
Throughout the Terre Gate arc, we see Kyle emoting more in his dark form than he's ever been allowed to thus far, which is how we can tell that he is not simply a mindless creature of violence in his state. Despite the fact he's getting passed around so much, he seems hyper-aware of the mistakes he's made that caused him to unleash his trauma in such a way. Amal'thea takes full advantage of this with her suggestion for Kyle, who seems to blame himself for Heitaros's own plans; where Kyle wants to flee when finally freed of the restraints that have kept him in check, and is content enough to run for the rest of his life, Amal'thea instead tells him to face Heitaros.
This is, of course, what leads to Kyle getting his body possessed by Heitaros.
Kyle puts up a fight, which perhaps has some influence on Heitaros's decision not to immediately kill the Grand Chase. It's a little hard to tell, especially in the translation, but it is interesting to note how quick Heitaros is to turn from determining to kill everyone right where his resurrection is complete to allowing them to witness the birth of a new world.
There's a lot of weird shit that goes on in this last chapter, but inevitably it ends up that Sieghart is able to run into both Heitaros and Kyle (Myst also shows up because of course he does) in what is supposed to be the Astral Plane or some shit like that, but considering how many times Heitaros has dragged Kyle into private conversations, it's really reminiscent of the billion other times that's happened. Kyle notes that Sieghart "can't escape" that place, implying that people inside of it are inextricably linked through the place. It's only when Kyle makes the sacrifice of his own soul, breaking the link he has with Heitaros, that the space fizzles out and frees both him and Sieghart.
And then the next time we see Kyle, aside from a shot of his near-dead corpse a few times (with him falling onto Cindy and lamenting that she gave up everything to revive him), is...
When he's months into recovery. In the epilogue for the world.
BITES KOG BITES KOG BITES KOG
Ugh, anyways.
Kyle has plural swag in large part because of the burden of Baldinar's soul on him, but also because that whole weird ass sequence with Heitaros and the astral plane, idk? It gives me plural vibes, the idea that they're inseparable so long as they're alive, especially thanks to Cindy's mending. Considering the way Heitaros speaks about Baldinar when occupying his body, it seems to me it's also possible that at some point there was a Baldinar soul construct he "digested;" look at Grandiel's likeability, where Baldinar is taken from the Wizard's Labyrinth with the confidence he goes towards Heitaros, then how Heitaros talks about Baldinar's soul in Tower of Memories. This idea of the succession of memories and the burden they put on you, whether you remember them or not, is such a distinctly plural storyline to us as a plural trauma survivor.
And KOG just like, dropped the ball like a hot coal once Kyle went dark. Kyle deserved so much better, damn it. He got put in the Freezer of Evil while half the plot resolved itself.
Some other loose notes, mostly about Kyle vs. Decanee and why it pisses us off so much Kyle wasn't allowed to be around for plot reasons during her arc:
It always struck me that Kyle and Decanee were meant to be foils to one another, if not simply parallels.
This is mostly because both of them are homunculi of some sorts; Kyle of Baldinar, Decanee of Kaze'aze. Both also struggle with their identity due to the acquisition of memories that aren't their own.
The biggest difference is that Decanee was created with and had the expectation of her performance of "Kaze'aze" imposed on her, while Kyle only really got that expectation laid on him after he had already begun to develop as a person.
More specifically, Kyle notes his hesitance to repeat Baldinar's mistakes after discovering the history of his soul. He fears repeating evil, and becoming another part of the cycle of violence that operates on all people in the dimensions.
Meanwhile, Decanee has no qualms with acting like Kaze'aze or Karina, but expresses explicit discomfort with being actually seen as either of them, highlighting the performance of self as it relates to constructs such as herself (and thus, by extension, Kyle and Cindy).
In that sense, both Kyle and Decanee are characters deeply interrogating the nature of the world of Grand Chase, and the cycles of violence that are perpetuated by its many structures of fate, ambition, and vengeance.
-H
#grand chase#kyle#my writing#pluralprose#edit: fuck it we're adding the pluralprose tag today because this is the kind of analysis i think other plural folks could appreciate lol#-h
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Okay it's been like a week and I've been thinking about it the whole time so I want to pick apart some aspects of the Renee backup from Tec 1076.
First thing: it's 100% drawing from Reflections of the Heart, the Vic story Ram V wrote for Crimes of Passion. (I think this is what I said about it in my first post lol, it's not subtle.) Reflections of the Heart doesn't have my favourite characterization of Vic, but as a oneoff I like it a fair bit - it takes a lot of elements from the 2005 mini and makes something more interesting out of them, and it's only eight pages long and clearly out of continuity so I don't mind that it's completely its own thing.
This inspiration's less fitting for Renee, though, since she doesn't have the history of being magical or an objectivist asshole. I hope it doesn't influence her characterization in Tec proper too much.
I really like that Renee's working through her issues with being disconnected from her role as the Question, and the acknowledgement that she uses it as a coping mechanism to some extent.
That being said, trying to engage with that would be more effective if she was not Being A Cop at the same time. The aspects of her coping with alcoholism and acting on an instinctual curiosity are undercut by it being about "red tape", which fucking sucks, and the bad guy being a random murderer means this really isn't a problem that she needed to be the Question to solve.
It's trying to reconcile her status in current continuity with her as the Question, and I get that she's been around enough that they want to explain her development beyond "she's not a cop anymore", but if you're doing an actual Question story you have to be further away from the cop shit. Have her expose corruption or fight someone but not arrest them or draw on the queer metaphor from Reflections of the Heart or something.
The story being shaky isn't the end of the world, though. It definitely detracts thematically, but this is setup for whatever Renee's going to be up to in the main story.
I'm a huge fan of how Renee is drawn in this, and the colouring work is excellent, especially the more abstract sections. Also: love seeing the closeup gas release, it's an iconic panel, even without the full transformation sequence I think it's worth showing her suit up.
If this is the leadup to her quitting, it's a move in the right direction. The cop elements are bad in the normal way that all of her appearances since Lois Lane ended have been bad, and Ram V's been writing a banger so far in the main story, so this could be an excellent launching point for her to do all kinds of cool shit. The ingredients are there. I see the possibilities. Please don't let me down by having this be the peak.
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