hi love you guys but the new blog is @kemistre 

still working on it hehe, i won’t be deleting this blog, i’ll just be archiving it!

it's the last couple of hours of 2024 and i made a post earlier about it already, but. holy fuck i love you guys. more than i have words for. you mean the world to me. thank you for being there for this messy, hectic, exciting, heartbreaking year.

this year i left my unhappy relationship, shaved my hair, started testosterone, found out i am in fact allergic to testosterone, made a solid concrete plan of moving to new york, fought for my life buying taylor swift tickets, saw my chemical romance in concert, started making porn (and i am working on being unashamed to say this but it's truly my dream job), broke my back, and then i ended the year with a suicide attempt. woohoo. what the fuck happened.

this year is the hardest year i've had since 2021. and 2021 was fucking hell. but it's the last day of 2023 and i'm sitting at my dining table with my cat dozing on the chair next to me, i have my last ever drink on the table and i know when the clock hits midnight, i'm going to really be sober, and i just replied to an email about an official model partnership with a studio, the pay from which will be enough for me to move out of my abusive household next year.

i mean it genuinely, i didn't think i'd be here writing this. after my attempt, aside from not wanting to have survived, i wanted to delete everything and just disappear. i was convinced i didn't belong anywhere, and that people would be happier without me around. it was you incredible, beautiful people who, with your words and kindness and effort and care, who made me stay.

and i'd like to thank a few people specifically. i love every single one of you, and i cherish you all dearly, but there's a few people in particular id like to give my standard shoutouts to (i do this every year and it's not any kind of preference or favouritism, you've all impacted my life and year more than i know how to say, i love you all)

este, @petewenstz - you are the stars. you are the kindest, sweetest soul and i can't believe we've been friends for two years!! your messages that day were so important and impactful and i can't thank you enough for the rationality and grace you handled it with. it was so so overwhelming and you made it less so. i love you, you are starlight and sunshine. i can't wait to see what i can say next year for three years, because every time we spoke this year made me heart feel so light. in the words of our favourite goth-punk blondie, please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh i could recognise anywhere.

red, @xeolf - i love you forever too. i hope we get to meet next year when i'm on my trip, or maybe when i've moved next year. maybe both. you've given so, so much joy and laughter this year that i can't even begin to comprehend how one person on the other side of the world can become so special to me so quickly, despite my best efforts to be detached. you said something a little while ago, in the tags of a post you reblogged from me asking what season reminds you of prev. and, somehow, your response was what made me feel a little more real and human during an episode when i felt like i was some kind of puppet precariously dangled on an invisible string. i think of you whenever i read phantm bullet r any f the web novels. i appreciate you and your words more than you'll ever know.

gabe, @adorabl8dthirsty - we've only just started to really talk, so you're about to learn first-hand how fucking awkward i am, and here's the first example of that. when my friend told me you'd reached out and asked about me i broke down in hysterical sobs. believe it or not, i've wanted to be your friend, i was just so shy to reach out bc i thought you were too cool for me. i'm really glad we talk now. ily, and thank you for being there for all my bullshit and shitposts and meta and everything this year and somehow still wanting to be friends. ily.

aj, @thegayfromrulid - i know this year as been so hard on you and you've deserved none of it. i love you, as unwaveringly as i have since we first met when i was a shy young teenager. this is my last year even being a teenager, i'm twenty in two months. i wouldn't have made it without you, dude. does the adulting thing ever get easier? i have to believe it will. i'm so glad you've had moments of happiness this ear, you deserved them all and even more. i hope next year is gentler to you.

ant, who won't see this because you don't have tumblr - i love you so fucking much, bro. thank you for waking me up by jumping on my bed and whacking me with pillows. thank you for being there when i broke down over my cane. thank you for giving me the disney channel sibling bond i always wanted so badly. thank you for teaching me to restring a guitar, for singing nelly with me in the kitchen, for letting me take you to footy, for letting me see you crying and upset and vulnerable. i love being your brother. i'm so glad your mom lowered her standards enough to marry my dad.

and sugou, the fictional character i despise enough to keep going out of spite - thanks for being an asshole. thanks for being hot enough to make me want to cosplay you. this year, you helped me weirdly heal a part of myself that i gave up on more than a decade ago. i'm better and braver than you, and i'm stronger than my fear of you, and thank you for letting me realise that this year. ps go fuck yourself <3

happy 2024 to us all. i love you guys.

love, taylor

Messy Thoughts on Life is Strange - Episode 1

I think it'd be interesting to keep a log of the games I've been playing (at least till I feel the urge to write on my dusty ass journal that I've had since 2016). tbh this shit will be for me. idk who'd be interested in the thoughts of a remastered version of a game from 2015.

anyway, I'm working my way up from the 1st life is strange to true colours (the only Life is Strange game I haven't played. I know close to nothing abt it. I know that Steph is there, it's about empathy, and the protagonist is gay though that's a given... it's Life is Strange)

still thinking about episode 1's ending. I finished it a couple of hours ago.

I am playing the remaster and I've dealt with a couple of annoying glitches but nothing awful. for some odd reason the screen blacked out during a cutscene (ending cutscene by the lighthouse w Chloe) and idk the screen got weirdly pixalated. like it was in 720p.. maybe I got something wrong w my eyes lmao

I accidentally broke the game in the beginning. I misremembered the the rewind mechanic and thought I could rewind to ANY point in a cutscene. but nah, you gotta stick to a specific point marked by the swirly thing up top.

when I made this mistake, I was in Jefferson's class. Max gained telerportation and invisibility powers and was able to teleport her desk to behind Jefferson.

actually, maybe it wasn't a glitch. maybe Mad Max was trying to intimidate him but sadly, wasn't aware that her teleportation powers came with the caveat of turning her invisible as no one noticed her. oh well

also the UI keeps glitching out. I'll look at an object, select an action and the game will get a little confused and the UI will disappear. I'll try to get a screenshot of that. and Mad Max's tp powers though I think she'll retire those.

I also forgot how dark this game is. maybe bc I'm 18 I'm finally understanding the true impact of certain matters. For example, Juliet Watson (I GOT HER LAST NAME RIGHT FIRST TRY I KNOW THIS GAME LIKE THE BACK OF MY HAND) has a fucking abortion?? she's a high schooler (ill just HOPE she's 18) and she considered keeping the child dude (she had a maternity book in her dorm). I do like the amount of thought that was put into character's rooms. Juliet's book is so incredibly easy to miss but it adds to much to this relatively unimportant NPC.

I forgot how much of a... creep David is. I COMPLETELY forgot he had cameras set up *inside* the house. I forgot he slaps Chloe too??? dude.

I do like how Rachel Amber's set up. she's so incredibly mysterious. the way others speak of her make it seem like she's an elusive myth. an untouchable goddess. to Chloe, she's an angel.

maybe it's nostalgia speaking but it really brings me back to waht the fandom was then. especially how crazy everyone went when we met her in Before the Storm.

further, it really emphasises the sort of town Arcadia Bay is. it's a small little town. everyone knows everyone here for better and for worse. Arcadia Bay feels cozy and lived in and im excited to rediscover it when i play episode two tonight.

Old Expectations Die Hard (Dashie x Reader Fanfic)

Chapter One: Weird Circumstances

You know your life is complicated when the friend you always complain to says "you never have a dull moment do you?" I sigh as the weight of the world seems to make it impossible to breath. You see recently things have been rough. I lost my job and my fiance all in the same day, that itself was an unbelievable story. I was so upset and strung out on thoughts of what to do that once i got home early from work i didn't notice the extra car in the driveway. i stepped into my home and my own floors felt as if they'd given way when i saw the guy i thought i'd be spending my life with in bed, with my sister... my sister and i hadn't been on good terms for a while and for a good reason! The drugs she took either made her unreliable and selfish or crazy and murderous. He, of course, pulled the its not what you think, id never hurt you, it was a mistake, and honestly i could write a book out of the excuses i heard in the time of two minutes but maybe another time. Needless to say i left. I never thought about going back and to be honest my sister looked more hurt then i was. I took a job in California a few weeks ago and moved in with my friend (BFF Name). They always seemed to know what to say and honestly i truly believe They  knew me better then i know myself. 

California gave me the biggest culture shock I've ever had. I came from Mississippi, the bible belt and the most rural part of the world. California was sooooo different then what i was use to. The weather is awesome. There's lots of jobs for technical people, at least until you're 45 and then you're considered ancient and you can't possibly know anything when some 23-year old out of Stanford tells you that they know it all. (a little bit of sarcasm there) It's a great place to start a new company, money is available as is talent. The risk of starting a company is lower since you can always find a new job The politics are insane, if you aren't towing the progressive party line you should just STFU. If you even once say that Trump has done something positive, or that Obama did something negative prepare for the wrath. Read the stuff behind the recently filed lawsuit against google for a taste of what it's like. Seriously, don't say a word. The state if structurally bankrupt, although the finances look good because so much stuff is off of the balance sheet. The public pension liability dwarfs the "good" part of the budget, and some day it is coming home to roost. Watch out when it does. The cost of living is absurd, really absurd. I'm not talking just a place to live but gas, electricity, haircuts, milk, pizza, you name it. The traffic is absurd too. (can you tell i like the word absurd) The public transit, although usually on time, is a mess. People are pigs, they throw trash everywhere, the cars are overcrowded almost all the time. 

I've got to say, from how much it sounds like i hate California, i actually don't.  Mainly because its so far away from my original family, leaving really helped me start to grow up and feel like maybe i was getting a hold of my life again. Only problem has been getting to my new job on time. I work as a barista and a waitress at a brunch place a good minute away from the apartment. The money is good, otherwise i wouldn't waste my time with the commute everyday. i keep being late to work because i still haven't adjusted to how terrible traffic is and so my boss was "nice" enough to switch me to the later shifts. The hours are long and boring because my shift starts in the middle of rush hour to the slowest hours at the end of the day meaning you have to find things to keep yourself busy with. the only good thing is, we can wear pretty much anything we want as long as its black. all i wear is dark colors so i didn't have to spend any extra money on a uniform and i didn't have to wear the same thing everyday. Today i decided i wear a v-neck shirt that with an emperor waist (body forming) with black skinny jeans and my regular converse. i decided against driving to work and decided it would be far smarter to catch a bus to the nearest destination. My (hair color) hair was done is a fishtail messy braid, i always liked this style because it made me look like i had a head full of hair when in reality i thought i was going bald. 

My personality was a little odd, you see some days i felt like the beautiful nerd who has no confidence and wants to hide away in a hole. other days i feel like a model from Victoria secrets, of course those are the days i get the most tips. today was honestly a mutual day, where id rather be at home in my bed asleep, or listening to music. The bus finally stopped a block away from my job and i sighed obviously not wanting to go into work. surprisingly there wasn't nearly  as many cars as there usually is around this time but i wasn't complaining. i walk in to see that most of the downstairs was empty but whoever was upstairs definitely had a loud mouth. i walk to the back in order to clock in and i bump into melany ( the girl im shifting with). "wow you actually got here on time! Maybe the boss's mood will cheer up." i huffed a little. "yea, i dont know why i thought id need a car in California, say whats with the low level of customers? its NEVER this slow." she looked at me in disdain, "some guys reserved the entire upstairs and we had to make this huge table out of all our tables up there, glad im not gonna be the one fixing it later." i rolled my eyes, i hated when a huge family came in and they just had to move everything around because little johnny wants the sit next to suzzie and suzzie HAS to sit by her parents bc she likes to throw her food on the floor, all fake names but a real situation ive been in before. "well have they at least been fed so that i only have to clean up after them?" she shook her head while hanging up her apron. "nope, they've only ordered their drinks and they are getting those onto trays now." so today was gonna be like every other day. "guess i better go help them take those upstairs then, have a good rest of your day." i walk away and slip on my apron, grabbed one of the trays of drinks while another waiter grabbed the rest of the drinks. Once i got upstairs, that's when i met him...

Chapter Two: Last Will and Testament

          He was sitting on the far end of the long table of people laughing and joking. everyone seemed to be loud and all had their own inside jokes. This guy, he stuck out. i changed my attention to the task at hand, finishing this shift. i hated when people moved all the tables and seating around. all the waiters and waitresses have to go back behind them and look at the layout of the floor to put them all back exactly as they were before. it was a struggle and because of this nobody actually wanted that job so usually the manager gives it to her least favorite workers and i happened to be one. "who all had coke?" nobody answered me so one of the men bellowed out the same line and somehow was able to get a show of hands. i walked around handing  out drinks, catching the lingering smell of strong liquor. i could tell by the end of tonight they would all be wasted and loud. please, just don't make more of a mess then you have to, i thought to myself. i had one drink left on my tray, "sweet tea?" the guy i saw before at the end of the table waved his hand and i dreaded going over there, i always seem to make a fool of myself when it matters. 

     i make my way slowly down the table with the tray under my arm and the tea in my hand. i lean over to sit his drink on the table.."here's your t-" *CRASH* while joking with one of his friends his elbow crashes into my hand sending the tea flying all over me and the cup crashing to the floor, thank god i wore black. he turned around and looked more horrified then i did. "i'm sorry! i'm so sorry!" his voice was deeper then i imagined it'd be. "no, it my fault i'm sorry ill get you a new one." i turned away to hide my embarrassment and walked away really just trying to get away from the situation. i could tell from the silence behind me that all eyes were on me. i ran to the back where the lockers were for the service. i went to the bathroom and stripped the sticky clothes off throwing them aside. i sat on the toilet  trying to catch my breath, my social anxiety had struck me  hard. a feeling of worthlessness and dread fell over me like a blanket. after the past few months i've had just one day without something terrible happening would mean the world to me. i heard a knock on the door, it was melany, she walked in with a towel from the kitchen. "hey, i heard what happen upstairs are you ok?" i covered my breast trying keep myself as unexposed as possible. "oh yea im fine, im just cold, and sticky, and... covered in tea." melany and i made eye contact and both laughed just to lift the dread in the air. "let me guess, all the guys are getting a kick out of watching me fumble again huh?" i said a little less concerned and more annoyed. she rolled her eyes "they are boys, they get a kick out of picking their own nose. we both slid to the floor beside each other, she hands me the damp towel. i get most of the sticky off as possible, throwing my hair up to make it look less clumped together by the sugar. "i have an extra black t shirt in my locker but i don't know how it will fit you. your breast are at least a size larger then mine." i shrugged my shoulders, "who cares ill make do. thanks for your help melany." she smiled her weird anime girl smile and ran to get the shirt from her locker.

     ill have to admit, she was right about the size thing. it was far to small around the chest area but the rest fit fine. after the incident my boss stuck me down stairs wiping tables and sweeping the floor, i dont mind though because i get to experience the day coming to an end with a beautiful sunset over California. i secretly kept the the window to watch as the sun fell from the sky. the sky seemed to burn and darken while the clouds began to glow with the last bit of sunlight left. the sky filled up with burning Burgundy and faded orange and yellows, the tallest buildings seemed to reach for the skyline as if it were a sunflower moving to the last drip of sunlight. moving here had been hard, and this had become one of the things i looked forwards to. living in the apartment with my friend was nice, buts its not the same as coming home to someone you use to lay with every night. sleeping alone seemed so much colder and emptier then i remembered from childhood. my mother would be so disappointed in the way i turned out, in the places id gone and the decision to spend my life with someone who was most obviously the wrong one. she would have told me to slow down and to take my time, that growing up wasn't everything. she would have said love isn't something you just wake up and have, its something you make. i wasn't anywhere close to where i thought id be by now, and i could see that. it tears at my heart everyday, not being able to see her or any of my family. sometimes it felt as if they'd all died in the fire that night. 

     i suddenly heard a boom of voices making their way down the stairs, i hadn't realized how close to closing time it had become. all of them walk out stumbling and laughing at their own jokes, seems they all got a good bit of drinking in, all except one. The guy i ran into on accident seemed as sober as ever, designated driver i think, he was much taller now. he seemed muscular but in such a fitting way for his body. his teeth sparkle because their so white, his smile complimented him best. his high cheekbones made his chocolate brown eyes his best feature. His skin was glowing with a sweet honey hue and before i could notice that i was staring he turned his head. his eyes met mind before i could think twice and that's when i felt the heat rise to my cheeks. weather it be from embarrassment or silly school girl shyness i didn't know . i turned my face away but it was too late, i turned my face a little just to catch a glimpse of him before he made his way out of the door and that's when i noticed his cheeks had gone from a burnt caramel to a rosy color. i felt my body shiver at the thought that maybe, just maybe he found me as attractive as i found him. i shook the thought from head realizing they had began locking the place down. as i helped close up shop and wash dishes i couldn't help but to let my mine wander to all different kinds of thoughts, funny thing was they always fell back to him and his rosy  cheeks. i couldn't help but smile as i felt my heart race at the thought of him, even though id made a fool of myself today i was glad i hadn't ruined my chances. Even if he'd never get with me or i wouldn't ever see him again, i'd still take it as a compliment that he even looked my way. 

     before long we were all outside laughing and talking about today. The manager locked the doors and said his goodbyes. i turn to walk towards the bus station when i see a man standing aside awkwardly between the restaurant and the parking lot. suddenly my eyes adjusted and once they did, the joyousness butterflies came back and the blush suddenly reappeared on my cheeks..

There are lots more chapter after this if you are interested you can find them here

https://my.w.tt/sosFRmianbb