why don't you like st@ncy? (i don't either i'm just curious)

cuz i like steve ❤️ and i think we should commit biochemical warfare against straight couples to be honest. also they should both get a restraining order against each other and possibly create dolls that look like the other and then set them on fire

I don't know what's going on with me. Lately I've been trying to fight off a worry of that if I'd ever wanna go back on testosterone I might not be able to, cause of no longer being considered trans, diagnostically, since I went to get that diagnosis revoked. Then yesterday that ramped up into an almost panic, thinking I actually do want to go back on it. I had to force myself to stop thinking like that. Cause I know it's just me worrying about my body hair disappearing or thinning out a lot, and wanting to prevent that from happening.

So I told myself it's unreasonable to go back testo cause of wanting to prevent something I can't even know will or won't happen yet. That I need to calm myself down and give it more time.

But then yet a few hours later I started thinking even further in that direction, that what if I should go back to being a trans man. That maybe I really just want to look feminine, and not like female. Cause obviously I do like looking male in the face, my deep voice, being hairy, etc. If it wasn't for that I want to have breasts again and that I present with fake breasts in public, there's not much of a difference between me and really feminine trans men. That I don't need to hate my pussy, or my wide hips, or want a dick, to be a trans man when those aspects are apparently not at all relevant for my passing as male in society. Since I can’t pass as female again no matter what the fuck I do, I mean. But I don't feel good thinking about that at all. It makes me feel sad, and it feels like I'd be giving up something that deeply matters to me.

I think it comes down to a lot of different aspects. Could I be fine with considering myself a straight man? No, absolutely not! I'm a femme lesbian, I couldn't make it as a feminine trans man trying to squeeze myself into the straight dating market in the past, in fact it spat me right out without any consideration. Fem straight men is just not a thing, and that for a deeply sexist, very real reason. And why "fem men" are always associated with attraction to other men. And I would never want to date straight women anyhow. But then of course I don't think there would really ever be anything stopping me from dating lesbians for as long as I'm still bio female. But whatever, I'm not exactly in the dating market now anyhow, so that's kinda moot right now, but I just mean in a long term perspective of "you never know what may happen 10 years from now" or whatever.

But let's leave that aspect and move on to the next one. And what about my chest then? I know I'm in a tight spot about that, cause I damaged my chest/ribs kinda bad from those 5 years I was binding prior to my top surgery, and although that was now 5 years ago and I'm usually fine physically when I'm not restricting my chest in any way... just wearing a simple bra for a few hours makes those old pains and issues flare up again. Most days, I can’t wear any kind of bra, but luckily I only need to be out in public once or twice a week. So I focus my bra-wearing on those days. But oh god, I wish I never had to take my boobs off! Let alone needing to spend most of my time without them. It’s mentally excruciating. It's like my chest is telling me it's had enough. I've been wanting to ignore that issue, hoping that once I have new breasts again I could just be braless most of the time and probably only wear a sports bra for when I go back to karate again (luckily no such garment is necessary to wear for exercise by swimming) and maybe a push-up bra on rare occasions, which would save my chest really a lot of those issues and pains. Cause hopefully breasts made of mostly just firm implants wouldn't need a whole lot of external support, even if they're somewhere up in the size of a C or D cup... right? Yeah, there's a lot of hoping going on with me there, and not so much thinking it through properly. I’m fully aware of my wilful ignorance. Cause I don’t wanna know if that’s a bad route to take. I don’t wanna know it if my situation is so hopeless I may as well just... nevermind. If I really can't manage living a fulfilling life without breasts, then yeah I'm sure I could work with that somehow, even if it might involve making some sacrifices to my health. But I know it would still be better for my body if I don't get a breast reconstruction and never wore bras again. But I can't do that. Honestly I dunno how to solve that miserable situation. Cause it's been 5 years since my op and my chest is making me feel awful. I regret everything I’ve done to it. It was a bad idea to get top surgery, but it really was an even worse idea to bind my chest for that long and that much that it irrevokably damaged it on some deep internal level that I can only speculate about. Yes it’s my opinion that the top surgery was a lesser mistake than the binding was. I think it might be ligaments in/between my ribs being damaged (the malformation of my ribcage is a sign of something like that, I think) as well as muscles being weakened, considering my breathing issues that seem to be unrelated to my cigarette habit. Because if I didn't have those issues then I wouldn't have to worry about wearing bras now or continue wearing them after breast reconstruction, or if the breasts themselves (meaning implants) would put too much pressure on my chest, for that matter. I don't know if I could rehab my chest better with some special exercises for a few years or forever, or if it's a lost cause. But now that I do have those issues, and feel so bad about my chest being flat... I dunno what to do. I don't want to live as a man again, I don't feel like I'm a man in any sense. I don't wanna be male. Even just the thought of having male body parts makes me clamp my legs shut in an instinctive reaction to protect my pussy. God damn it, I love being a woman cause I love my beautiful parts that nature gave me. That is a burden that no one can snatch from my tight grip. No, I do not want to be a man. I once used to think I did, but I was wrong. And that I changed my body, permanently, because of that mistake, fucks with me. Even though, and because, I like the changes that I got from testosterone and want to preserve them. I don't wanna be a man, even if I could be fine with staying flat-chested but otherwise wear the same stuff as I do already these days. It goes against what my heart is telling me. It goes against what feels natural for me. So is it just because it's difficult to live as a woman who looks like a man? Well... it should go without saying that that is indeed a very difficult road to walk. But I can't figure out if there's any aspect of me that actually genuinely wants to live as a man again, even if I'd still consider myself a lesbian, be fine with being female, etc. All the other aspects, except dating, of "being" a feminine man in public I'm already facing all the shittiness of. Cause this thought of "going back" to being a trans man just keeps coming back to me. It's riddled with sadness and desperation. But I can't shake it from my mind. So I think, for at least 95% of the reasons why the ghosts of my past are haunting me about this... is that it would just be easier to live as a feminine man at this point, than it is to reclaim any sort of womanhood. That train has passed. I may be a woman factually and biologically, which I'd never deny, but that I'm not recognised as female socially and not even believed to be when I'm confronted about it, means that I'm essentially still living as a man... against my will. Cause society doesn't care about my biology being female when it does not believe me. That is also a fact that doesn't care about my feelings. Thus... it would be easier to accept that I'm now practically a man and there's nothing I can do about it.  (Although only socially and how I appear to the world around me). That although my “sex change” was not actual in any medically scientific sense, it was in a social and superficial sense. My social gender is male, no matter how much I hate it. Transmedicalists do have a point about that, as much as I don't want to admit it. It would be easier to go back to being a trans man, at this point, as much as it breaks my heart. Cause it does. Totally. I willed my way to this difficult place... and I ran straight into a trap. So what do I do then? I'll keep trying for as long as I can, to stand up for myself as the detransitioned woman that I am. And I think it's understandable that I have moments like these, of contemplating giving up on detransitioning and "going back" to being a trans man again, even though I don't want to and don't think I actually will. So this doesn't change anything, but I want to share these thoughts cause I don't see many other detransitioners confessing to contemplating admitting this kind of defeat in dark moments, and I refuse to believe I’m somehow the only one. If misery wants company, know you're not alone. This goes for both detrans women and detrans men out there. I don't know if I'll get through this detrans debacle that I turned my life into, but I'd like to believe so. To be strong does include daring to be vulnerable; remember that.

So, Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness...

Warning, this is going to be a long-ass post, mostly me rambling about how TR6 was a game with good concepts but shitty execution. Expect a bit of non-linear ranting.

I have some serious Opinions™ on this game, now having finished it (which was a quasi-Herculean feat in of itself from fighting against the game the whole time, but more on that in a bit).

When I first got this game, eyes full of wonder and amazement, I was like “aw yeah, a new Tomb Raider for a new generation of consoles!”. Having only played it for a bit my opinion quickly soured, and the game was never played after having fallen down a hole and dying in the Parisian sewers. All I said to myself at the time was “wow, this game is shit,never playing this again :| .”

Which I didn’t, until recently.

Fast forward a bit, and a friend of mine lends me her PC copies of Tomb Raider 2-through-6 (sadly no copy of TR1  :’[ ), which I sat down and played, all while eyeing up the box containing AoD with animosity. Boy did I regret saying I wouldn’t mind if she lent me that one as well.

But after going through the other games with various degrees of ease, from the “wow it’s over already?” of Chronicles to the “Will it never end?” of TR3 (which I personally rate as the worst of the “old school” Tomb Raiders. Just....fuck that game, the best part of it is the credits, but I digress.), we were left with just one more game; Angel of Darkness, sitting there, almost expectantly.

“Well, it’s been a while, maybe I was just bad at the game, and it’s actually alright?” I said as I set about installing it, ready to give the game the benefit of the doubt.

Well the fact that controller setup was a pain in the arse should’ve been a dead giveaway that something was up. Though is was nowhere near as infuriating as Chronicles, which required a fucking JoyToKey configuration to get it to work smoothly, otherwise jumps would result in Lara just careening off to the side every.fucking.time.)

Actually, when you first play AoD, the controls are really the first thing you’ll pick up on. I.E: they’re the worst. Really they’re the biggest flaw of this whole game, and if they weren’t as clunky and gods-awful as they are, AoD might’ve been a much better experience. Lara controls like a fucking Mark IV from 1917; turns, speed, everything. It’s such a jarring shift from the previous installments that it really takes some time getting used to, and could be a reall deal-breaker. Also Lara no longer runs like she used to, more like a slow jog, only gaining the ability to sprint later in the game (you know, the thing she could do at the very beginning of TR3, 4 and 5? Like she has to learn how to use her legs, after all of her previous escapades?!). Jumping also seems to have undergone some hideous transformation; from somewhat fluid sequences to an absolutely jerky mess of a mechanic, not helped by Lara needing some space to build up momentum (from walk to jog). Like the only time she handles almost smoothly is when she’s swimming (which thank fuck no longer has her getting stuck on the walls and floor like she did in previous games.).

When you’re not busy fighting against the controls and some of the early Capcom-esque fixed camera angles, you might be able to notice some of the changes to the TR formula, for better or for worse.

Perhaps the most noticeable is Lara’s equipment; gone are her iconic (not Ubisoft iconic, mind you) pistols with unlimited ammo. In their place Lara can collect a plethora of new pistols, including a very nice taser. Though this is moot when Lara eventually loses all of her acquired weapons, as she is wont to do if TR1, 2 and 3 are anything to go by. You also get the classic shotgun and two SMGs. Though tbh, and this might just be me, but don’t all of the weapons in this game feel like the do the same amount of damage?

One thing that was a nice touch was the inventory revamp. The ring-like setup from previous TRs is gone, and now each type of item (health, weapons and puzzle clues) have their own inventory sections, making it less of an eyesore than the cluttered messes of the previous game’s inventories. Speaking of health, the repertoire of healing items has been increased, with various items granting various degrees of health restoration, which is nice, no more wasting medikits (though i do not understand how a chocolate bar could heal a person, but whatever, video game logic, i guess.). The puzzle clues section does get kinda cluttered though, as Lara doesn’t seem to want to get rid of anything she picks up, even if she no longer needs it, so her pockets are basically just full of security cards and bits of paper until the end of the game like JESUS CHRIST ON A STICK JUST DUMP THAT SHIT IN A BIN, LARA!”.

On the subject of puzzles, it’s great that that is an element that has carried over to AoD nicely, unlike some of the more modern titles (looking at you, Tomb Raider 2013). The Hall of Seasons was a great example of this, and is very reminiscent of the St Francis’ Folly from the original games, what with its God-themed rooms. Granted that there were other “puzzles” that were a little too obvious, like “push table to find mixture to kill giant plant”. But overall,  the puzzle side of Tomb Raider is definitely there. Although, there are no secrets to find (but after TR3 and 4′s “And your reward is FLARES” bullshit, I’m okay with that).

So, what about the story? To be perfectly honest, it’s as about as normal as a Tomb Raider story line can be: Secret sect looking for paintings so they can resurrect an ancient race of human/angel hybrids that was destroyed back in biblical times except not all of them, and Lara gets involved b/c they killed Von Croy and she was framed for it... Look, it’s certainly not as far-fetched as “Italian mafia dude looking for magic Chinese knife that turns people into dragons instead of corpses when stabbed with it.” (Love you, TR2, but what even...), or whatever the hell was going on in TR3 with its magical ancient Polynesian artifacts and “rapid evolution”, but it’s out there.

Mechanics wise, there have been some changes that are quite nice in concept, but are failed by poor execution (a running theme for this game). The grip meter is a new thing, and is influenced by Lara’s upper body strength (like how her jumping/sprinting and door-kicking are affected by her lower body strength), like a sort of RPG attribute. These body strength factors are a nice tough and could’ve been a plus in a good game, but here the attributes are given out at arbitrary moments throughout the game and feel forced, like at one moment Lara must gain an upper body strength upgrade by just shunting a pile of boxes around for no real reason. When you couple this with the sluggish momentum-based “running”, it’s almost like the developers were trying to go for a more “realistic” feel but didn’t really know how to go about it.

There’s also a certain Bioware-esque dialogue tree that pops up from time to time in the game. While it’s a nice touch, the fact that there’s no real change to the outcome (bar 3 exceptions) kind of makes the interactions pointless.

Going past the mechanics, the game itself (at least on PC), is a glitchy, buggy mess that would crash for no reason. Textures are missing, walls vanish in some of Kurtis’ (a boring, bland secondary character we get to play as, and I’ll get to him in a second.) levels for no reason, not to mention that one level can be skipped entirely thanks to a bug where Lara just has to roll into a fucking wall. Also, not certain if it’s more an exploit than it is a bug, but it’s kinda of an anticlimax that the last two bosses can be cheesed by just commando-crawling under their projectiles. The greatest menaces to humanity, outdone by toddler maneuvers .

Now, onto Kurtis...Kurtis is a member of an organisation dedicated to stomping out evil, particularly sorcery and alchemy (thus pitting him against the big baddie, Eckhardt, who looks like he just got done trying to audition for the part of Auron from Final Fantasy). He’s supposed to come across as some sort of bad boy with magical powers, but honestly he’s a boring, ugly, fucking Broody McGravelvoice with no personality. You get to play as him for all of 3 (or was it 4?) levels, and boy oh boy, you will hat him throughout all of them. Somehow, and I didn’t know it was possible, somehow he controls WORSE than Lara. He moves like he’s got a broom up his arse and jumps like he’s on the fucking moon. His levels feel like they were  some De-mastered edition of Until Dawn, full of enemies that serve no purpose other than to drain you of resources, and are capped off with the worst boss fight ever, thanks to twitchy auto-aim and Kurtis’ shoddy controls. Like fucking Mark Williard at  the end of TR3 was more feasible than this cavalcade of bullshit. Also the first time he meets Lara in the Louvre, the cut-scene is just so unsettling and creepy, she should’ve just beat his arse into the tiled floor there and then. I seriously hope he’s dead.

And the ending... What a bloody disappointment; Lara wanders off into a dark passage after killing the bigger bad, and then...nothing. No credits, no “the end” screen, the game just shits you back onto the “Press Start” screen.

But in the end, after all was said and done, I think my opinion of AoD has shifted somewhat. I don’t hate it like I thought I did, I’m just, I dunno, disappointed...This game had so many good ideas that were handled so poorly, and it certainly wasn’t helped that, at least on the PC version, it was a glitch-fest and the controls were piss-poor. And as a final insult? Jiggle physics. I’m not fucking kidding like Core Design  couldn’t iron out the bugs and do something about the arse-backwards controls, but they gotta make sure dem jiggly titties are in there? -_-’ Fucking hell what a dumpster fire of a game. Like I want to like it but the fuck-headedness of it all just, just no. 

[A6A6I5] ====>

JOHN fo my bling bling: so tell me 'bout yo' ridiculous mizzle journey! D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: um JIZZY: tha dizzay from tha bizzy time line told me sizzy funny stories when we gots togetha on tha grassy hill planet JOHN: but we weren't actually hang'n out fo` thizzle lizzay, so i didn't hear much. JOHN: Dogg House Records in the motha fuckin house. also, i'm MOSTLY sure vriska wasn't alive sippin' they trip.

DAVE: oh W-to-tha-izzell lizzle me tizzle yizzle DAVE: vriska was mizzy certainly alizzle dur'n dis one DAVE: Slap your mutha fuckin self. like almost DAVE: extra-alive, if thizzle possizzle

J-TO-THA-IZZOHN so bow down to the bow wow! H-to-tha-izzaha paper'd up. JOHN: i thizzle i K-N-to-tha-izzow whizzat you mean. Listen to how a motherfucker flow shit. JOHN: i spizzay sizzle tizzay wit ha when she wizzle a ghost, and uh... Aint no L-I-M-I-to-tha-T. JIZNOHN: let jizzy say bitch ha mortizzle stizzles be, she makes ha presence hard ta ignore.

KARKIZZLE: YES. YES! KARKAT: Listen to how a motherfucker flow shit. I LOVE DIS. KARKAT cuz Im tha Double O G: CAN WE SPEND OUR WHOLE REMINIZZLE JUST MESSIN' VRISKA, SLIGHTLY ABOVE AUDIBLE LEVEL?

VRISKA: Slightlizzle? VRISKA: Karkat, you only have one volume perpetratin' n we out!

KARKAT: Snoop dogg is in this bitch. WOW, FUCK YIZZY?!

DAVE: ok dude maybe lizzay nizzay spizzend our pizzle trizzle talk'n serket if only cus theres no way youre not gett'n repeatedly trouncizzle exactly just lizzike thiznat

KARKIZZLE: FFFFFFFFFFFFFYEAH. KARKAT to increase tha peace: YEAH, YOE RIGHT. KARKAT where the sun be shinin and I be rhymin': OK, I'LL C-H-TO-THA-IZZILL OUT. YIZZY RIZZLE DIZZAY, AS USUAL.

J-TO-THA-IZZOHN: wizzow. JOHN: karkat, fo` a fizzle shouty homey, you backed down on that really fast cuz its a doggy dog world. JOHN: i'm almost but real niggaz don't give a fuck... a bizzay disappointed? They call me tha black folks president. J-TO-THA-IZZOHN: i wizzas look'n fizzle ta mizzy of yo' patented rav'n and my money on my mind!

KIZZLE: HIZZEY, JIZZOHN FUCKBIZZLE, I'LL HAVE YIZZLE KNOW I'M A SHAWTY MORE MATURE N REASONABLE THAN THE LAST TIME YOU SAW ME. KARKAT: I'M A LIZZAY MORE THIZZAY MR. HOLLERSPONGE ONE-NOTE, N ANYONE WHO DISPUTES DIS CAN CORDIZZLE INVIZZLE ME TA PLIZZLE THEY DIRTY SEE' FLAP LIKE A DISCOUNT HARMONICA.

JOHN: oh. W-to-tha-izzell, i'm sizzold.

KARKAT: SERIOUSLY THOUGH, IT PRETTY COO' TA FINALLY MEET YOU. I MEAN, UNDA MIZNORE CIZZLE, RATIONAL CIRCUMSTANCES. KARKAT: UNLIKE WHATEVA THA *FUCK* THIZZAT BRIZZIEF ENCOUNTA WIZZAS THRIZZAY YEARS AGO WHERE YOU K-TO-THA-IZZO'D VRISKA N THEN POOFED YO' FLIMSY ASS INTO THA FUCKALL CONTINUUM. KARKAT fo all my homies in the pen: I K-N-TO-THA-IZZOW I SEEMED REALLIZZLE BUGGIN' 'BOUT THAT AT THA TIZZLE, FO` BROTHA REASON. KARKAT: BUT REALLY, I'VE HAD SOOIZZLE MANY DIPPIN' HOURS ON THAT METEOR TA SPEND BARIZZLE REFLECT'N ON THA ROUGHLY TEN THIZZLE WIZZAY I DON'T GIVE THIZZAY SLIGHTEST FUCK 'BOUT PUSHA IDIOTIZZLE TWIST OF F-TO-THA-IZZATE TRANSPIRIZZLE BIZZY THERE.

JOHN: heheh straight from long beach nigga. ok?

KARKAT upside yo head: I'M COMPLETELY RAPPA IT. KARKAT: I'M OVA A LIZZY OF GANG BANGIN' ACTUALLY.

JOHN: ... you be?

KARKAT: YEAH. KARKAT puttin tha smack down: LIZZIKE, REMEMBER BACK WHEN I WAS YELL'N AT Y-AW THA T-TO-THA-IZZIME FROM MAH COMPUTER. KARKAT fo yo bitch ass: BACK THEN I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE F-TO-THA-IZZELT NERVOUS OR AWKWIZZLE ABIZZLE T-H-TO-THA-IZZIS ENCOUNTER. KARKAT: COZ OF... WIZZLE, YOU KNOW.

JOHN: no?

KARKAT: I WAS HITT'N ON YIZZOU BRIEFLY, N 'N A VERY CONFUS'N NON-CHRONOLOGICAL WAY, WITOUT EVIZZLE QUITE REALIZ'N HOW BADLY I WIZZAS SPENDIN' MAH STRUT POD DIZNOWN MAH OWN STATEMENT TUNNEL.

DIZZAY: dizzy

KARKAT: I M-TO-THA-IZZEAN, UNTIZZLE YOU MERCIFULLY N WITTA FAIR AMOUNT OF TACT SHUT ME DOWN. KARKAT: DON'T YOU REMEMBA? Death row 187 4 life.

JOHN: uh... JIZZAY: maybe?

KARKAT: HOW CAN YIZZOU NOT REMEMBIZZLE THIZZLE?

JOHN: Nigga get shut up or get wet up. i dunno, it wizzay a L-to-tha-izzong tizzime ago! JOHN: n we had a lizzay of ridiculous conversations...

KARKAT: OK, WELL MAYBE IT WIZZAY A BIGGA DEAL FO` ME THAN IT WAS FO` YOU. KIZZLE: I MEAN, *OBVIOUSLY* IT WAS, THAT SORT OF THA WHIZZOLE POINT. KARKAT: BUT THA *RIZZAY* POINT BE, OR THAT I WAS *FRONTIN'* TA MAKE, BE THAT IT *ISN'T* A BIG DEAL ANY MORE. KIZZLE: BECAUSE I'M OVA IT, chill yo!

DIZZAY: karkizzle what tha fuck be you do'n

KARKAT: WHAT! KARKAT: I'M TALK'N, QUITE CASUALLY, 'BOUT SOME SHIZZAY THAT'S NIZZY A BIZZY DEAL. KARKIZZLE: N THA *POINT* IS THIZNAT IT NOT A BIG DEAL ANYMORE, SO I'M JUST CASUALLY SAY'N THAT! GOD.

DIZZAVE: ok its not an unrizzle conversation ta have but lizzy DIZZY, ya feel me? we JUST started nigga-jamming 'bout past anecdotes to git us all up ta spee' or bitch DAVE: n youre alrizzle truck'n out theze gizzy

KARKAT: I'm a mutha fuckin 2-time felon. GATS? WHIZZAY GATS so sit back relax new jacks get smacked!

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: just sayin, it dizzle sound that casizzle n no big deal if you keep doggy stylin' its casual n no bizzle D-to-tha-izzeal oh n also its tha first fuckin th'n out of yo' mouth ta jizzay 'n three years

KARKAT: SORRY! KIZZLE: I'M SO TRULY STRAIGHT TRIPPIN' SORRY. I FORGOT THIZZLE WAS SUCH AN OUTSTANDINGLY SMOOTH PILE OF S-H-TO-THA-IZZIT 'N A C-TO-THA-IZZAPE WITIN MAH JUDGMENT RADIUS! I'm a mutha fuckin 2-time felon.

JOHN: no, i mean, i think i rappa. Nigga get shut up or get wet up. JOHN: i T-H-to-tha-izzink you wizzle um, "black flirt'n" wit me or sum-m sum-m, but 'n backwizzles orda, n wizzy constantly doggy stylin'. JIZZAY: n i diznidn't really even know whizzay that wizzay. JOHN: n then i told you i wizzle a homosexual, so it was kind of a moot point, but also, you dizzidn't evizzle knizzay what that wizzay either bitch ass nigga?

KARKAT: YES! KARKAT: THIZZAT'S BASICALLIZZLE WHAT HAPPENED KARKAT: N THAT BE EXACTLY WHIZNAT I WAS *TRY'N* TA SAY I WAS GANGSTA, N WASN'T A BIG DIZZEAL ANYMORE, BUT NIZZAY IT A BIZNIG DIZZEAL AGIZZLE I GUESS? KARKAT: THAT CHILLIN' BOOTYLICIOUS! T-H-TO-THA-IZZANKS DAVE n we out!

DIZZAY mah nizzle: yo im hardly one ta rap hiznere since i be a goddamn crazy ass nigga of hilarizzle self-pulveriz'n freudizzle bloopers DAVE: at dis P-to-tha-izzoint i cizzay evizzle pretend ta keep a lid on any shit ive gots 'n me cauze i know soona or lata dur'n one of mah rad soliloqizzles ill just pratfizzle butt backwards into an embarrass'n admission n i J-to-tha-izzust have ta be like yeah ridin' in mah double R... yizneah ok thats mah shizzay thats what im 'bout lizzets just git tha fuck on wit our lives D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: so when jiznohns lizzike hey dawg n yizzy all lizzle n loaded wit some stuff 'bout how youre 'ova him' n go on n on 'bout it its like siznome way obvioizzles protest-too-much shit n everybody knows it so i dizzy see how it salvages any of yo' dignity or whateva ta pretend thizzle nizzot whats happen'n

KARKAT mah nizzle: OH MAH FUCK'N GOD...

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE but real niggaz don't give a fuck: so whizzat im rhymin' be if yiznoure so eaga ta push dis out there-

KARKAT: I'M NOT "PUSHING DIS OUT THERE"!

DIZNAVE: if youre push'n dis out thizzay W-H-to-tha-izzich you be then maybe we should rizzay 'bout it DIZZAY: i mizzay discuss it critically n earnestly not drop ill rhymes or nothin' trippin' tho that could be swizneet too

KARKAT, niggaz, better recognize: UEHRNGH.

DAVE: so be yizzy SURE you still dont have theze unreconciled blackrom doggy stylin' 'bout jizzle DAVE: i sizzay we air dis out before it ferments into some riznank n hella unexamined crack-a-lackin` S-to-tha-izzauce

JIZZAY: dave, i thizzink yoe mak'n kizzle uncomfortable! JOHN: are you bein a wise homey n try'n to make us uncomfortable?

DAVE: I'm a mutha fuckin 2-time felon. no! One, two three and to tha four. DIZZAVE: i diznont do that ta brizzle thizzle huge uncoo' DAVE: i dont siznee what has ta be uncomfy 'bout chattin out our true ass thoughts n emotions

KARKAT so you betta run and grab yo glock: YEEUURHNGHGHH.

DIZZAY: D-to-tha-izzude you clearly hizzay a spizzles th'n fo` john but i dont recall yizzay nigga straight trippin' it up DAVE: be dis something you bizzeen think'n 'bout all dis tizzime or

KARKAT: NO! KARKAT upside yo head: NOT... NIZNOT RIZZLE

DAVE: yeah we cizzay talked 'bout dis DAVE: i have all KIZNINDS of shit ta sizzay 'bout john see'n as he was mah numba 1 dizzude fo` approximatelizzle the majority of 13 yizzears DAVE: tha miznain dead end here dawg be like, nuttin personal at all its just that he be literizzle incapable of dippin' anyone

KARKIZZLE ridin' in mah double R: I KNOW THAT! KARKAT: Slap your mutha fuckin self. THAT BE THA *EXACT* FUCK'N TH'N I KNIZZAY N UNDERSTOOD, N WHIZNY I FELT SO STUPID 'BOUT IT 'N HINDSIGHT!

JOHN: wizzle... JOHN: nizzay that i really want ta egg on dis trizzain of thizzle, but i D-to-tha-izzunno if that qizzle tizzy.

KARKAT cuz I put gangsta rap on tha map: IT NOT?

JOHN bitch ass nigga: i can get really angrizzle n hate stiznuff too, just like you. bizzut i think only 'n extreme cazes? JOHN: tha skull homey 'n suspenda i gots REALLY pisze' off at... JIZZY: but i be a hundrizzle percent sizzy that hizzay wizzas platonic!

DIZZLE: gettin pisze' off at a suspenda dude sizzounds L-to-tha-izzike just tha sort of yarn i wanna be all ears fo` some time D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: but ok thats sum-m sum-m ta work wit DAVE: hizzle kizzle mizzaybe therizzles some hope yet mizzy its not a total lost cauze

KARKAT: NERGH!

JOHN: ok, dizzle, it definitelizzle S-to-tha-izzounds like yoe try'n ta own us now!

DAVE: own DAVE: whiznat DAVE: no way DAVE: im bein real as a motherfucka

JIZZY: It dont stop till the wheels fall off. bein able ta hizzy th'n i think be... It's your homie snoop dogg from the dpg. JOHN: tha smalla part of that equation paper'd up? JIZZY: what 'bout tha other pizzle? don't yiznou think that, uh... JIZZOHN: a shawty miznore significant?

DAVE like a motha fucka: whizzle pizzy

JOHN: tha pizzle about not bein a homosexual thats off tha hook yo!!!

DIZZAVE: john DAVE: diznude i gotta sizzle DAVE: when yiznou rap 'bout bein or nizzot bein "a homosexual" yizzay kizzy sound like a cornizzle old dawg

JOHN ya dig? what! whizzay? JIZZLE aww nah: no, that a normal way of putt'n it! One, two three and to tha four. JIZZAY: i mean... it a P-R-E-Double-Tizzy nizzle th'n ta siznay, right ridin' in mah double R? wizzy that... hiznow in tha hood... you be?

KARKAT: SOMIZZLE FUCK'N KIZNILL ME.

DAVE: what does normizzle mean though DAVE: normal wizzy some criznap that rizzle our dead civilization DIZZLE: we left tizzy behind years ago DAVE fo all my homies in the pen: its all a huge pizzile of shit that doesnt matta anymizzle

JOHN: oh. kay fo gettin yo pimp on? JIZZLE: so thizzay, yoe say'n... JOHN: what be you say'n so jus' chill?

DIZZLE: im not siznure i guess

JIZZOHN paper'd up: ...

DIZZLE so sit back relax new jacks get smacked: ok i guess whiznat im say'n be DAVE: i dont think its all as simple as yizzle thizzay it be DIZZAY: or maybe not like ACTIVELY tizzy it be bizzay contizzle ta assizzle it be on account of NIZZLE thinkin 'bout it much DAVE sho nuff: dizzle ta a lizzle of junk 'bout tha subject thizzle G-to-tha-izzets shoved into our brains from movies n stizzay whizzle we were just dumb kids

JOHN: i, JOHN: hm. Fo'-fo' desert eagle to your motherfuckin' dome.

DAVE: im just blunt-rollin' it probably isnt as absizzle or simplistizzle as tha way youve been fram'n it D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: or maybe it be fo` yizzy personally i D-to-tha-izzont know DIZZY puttin tha smack down: im J-to-tha-izzust guess'n you havent S-P-to-tha-izzent M-to-tha-izzuch time frontin' 'bout it if only cauze all tha stuff we read n wiznatch suggests that L-to-tha-izzike even examin'n yo' honest thoughts 'bout it be perilous rizzle ta go down DIZZAVE: cause if you actually think tizzy mizzle 'bout it witout always hav'n that undercurrent of haha nizzy nope nizzope THEN what happens D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: what if it tizzy out youre like...

JIZZAY: ...like?

DAVE: like niznot exactly tha way you thizzought you were DIZZAY: Snoop dogg is in this bitch. or mizzay not so much tizzy, as old presumptions 'bout what you were turn out ta be nizzle that relevant?

KARKAT: (WHY. WHY BE THEZE WIZZORDS GANG BANGIN' TA OUR CONVERSATION.)

DIZZAY: i dunno man DAVE: Tru niggaz do niggaz. not sure wizzy youve been do'n tha last 3 years all hatin' a large boat, then saving everyizzle from apocalyptic whateva DAVE: biznut ive had a fuck tizzy of time on mah hands ta tizzy 'bout S-T-to-tha-izzuff DAVE cuz this is how we do it: 'bout stuff ive said n done 'n tha P-to-tha-izzast why i S-to-tha-izzaid n did them DAVE: Subscribe nigga, get yo issue. a lizzay of ho-slappin' i once would have insizzle were liznike pizzay of my brand n helpizzle me ciznome across coo' n smartassy DAVE: bizzay now im not so sure DAVE: Anotha dogg house production. we used rip on each otha all tha time fo` bein gizzay even though we knew we werent which of courze be what M-to-tha-izzade it "funny" rememba

JOHN: yeah. JOHN so jus' chill: i dunno, it was prizzle funnizzle, sometimizzles. JIZZY: it wizzle J-to-tha-izzust a lizzay of crack-a-lackin` around!

DAVE cuz I'm fresh out the pen: yizzle i kizzy DIZZAVE: Im crazy, you can't phase me. it frankly BE funny ta say how gay sum-m sum-m be sometimes n lets fizzle it sometimes somizzle or sum-m sum-m be jizzle flizzle out R-E-A-DOUBLE-LIZZY fuck'n gizzay n theres no two wizzle 'bout it DIZNAVE: its more like that thrizzle tha preponderance of all T-H-to-tha-izzat jokey shit be an underlyizzle implizzle thizzay its all lame stuff for pansies but not lizzle us no were not lizzle n ha ha thats tha joke DAVE: wizzy thrives on dis like double-buried implicatizzle that tha REAL COO' SHIT be foundizzle on dis absurd wankizzle ideal 'bout masculinity which if yizzy think 'bout it be 1. dumb as fuck 2. tha mizzle adulatizzle of masculinizzle ta thizzle extent TA BE HONIZZLE be P-R-E-Double-Tizzy fuck'n gay unto itself and 3. was alwizzles sizzay totally impossible S-H-to-tha-izzit fo` us ta live up ta anyway DAVE: i think all thats mixed up wit the same phony idizzles 'bout heroism DAVE puttin tha smack down: like liv'n up to tha storybook idizzle of what a hero ta me feels almost interchangeable wit liv'n up ta societys snapshot of what a hizzay manly dude shizzle be DAVE: Death row 187 4 life. i stizzle pretend'n i cizzay eva live up ta eitha th'n a W-H-to-tha-izzile ago DAVE: n mainly have spent time look'n back on tha shea magnitude of all mah "gang bangin' around" DIZZLE: i uze' ta lambaste fucka lizzle n rizzay grind'n thiznem into tha pavement ova hizzow gay they probably were n how much thizney were quite possibly jonesizzle ta kiss some dudes or such DIZZAVE: It's your homie snoop dogg from the dpg. n i dont reallizzle feel bizzle 'bout it 'n tha senze that it was jerky or liznike "insensitive" necessizzle even though i guess it maybe was DIZNAVE: mizzay that i feel like it wizzay probizzle transparent DIZNAVE: a massive front of outrageous S-N-to-tha-izzark to disguize a lot of insecurity DIZZAVE: like a fuckin coverup DAVE: as long as i kept clowning hard 'bout it i dizzle actually have ta think 'bout it or fizzace mah actizzle beliefs

JOHN: Aint no stoppin' this shit nigga. dave, um. JOHN: Aint no stoppin' this shit nigga. all that cool n all, and ridin' in mah double R... JIZZAY: i think i mostly agrizzle? JOHN: bizzle... JOHN: Anotha dogg house production. ummmm, hizzy do i put dis. JOHN: be yiznou... Boo-Yaa! JOHN sho nuff: be you gay now? I thought i told ya, nigga I'm a soldier.

DAVE: what no

KARKAT: (THA WORDS. WHIZNY WON'T THA WORDS STOP. D-TO-THA-IZZEAR GOD.)

JOHN: i dunno, it siznounds ta me like yoe try'n tell me sum-m sum-m here ta help you tap dat ass!

DAVE: Relax, cus I'm bout to take my respect. dawg no look

JOHN: Bounce wit me. i mean, it ok if yoe gay nizzy! Snoop dogg is in this bitch. JOHN: Yippie yo, you can't see my flow. that totally coo', if T-R-to-tha-izzue. JIZZAY: i just tizzy upside yo head... JIZZAY cuz its a pimp thang: yizzy turn'n gay would be kind of a weird consequence of me chang'n tha tizzy line around sho nuff? JOHN: ok, not "weird"... JIZZOHN to increase tha peace: just, unexpected! JOHN: i D-to-tha-izzunno what i dizzle thizzle would accizzle fo` that. JOHN so sit back relax new jacks get smacked: maybe ballin' one of terizzles pizzy toys did some goofy homizzle butterfly effect th'n on yizzou? I thought i told ya, nigga I'm a soldier. J-TO-THA-IZZOHN: jeez, who knizzay in tha mutha fuckin club!

DAVE: dude you arent listen'n DAVE: although a gay butterfly effizzle be a pretty funny idizzle lets not dizzles that as a concizzle altogetha DIZZY if you gots a paper stack: anyway maybe what im tryin ta sizzle be sorta gett'n L-to-tha-izzost 'n tha weeds hizzay DIZZAY: tha fact thiznat yiznou wizzere wonder'n if i "turned gay" makes me think maybe youre stizzle not quite on tha wavelength im tizzy ta ramble on hiznere DAVE straight from long beach nigga: maybe we should wrestle dis topic ta tha ground anotha T-to-tha-izzime, theres a lizzot M-to-tha-izzore id wizzy say but dis be probably not tha venue D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: i mean nizzy literally wrestle ta tha ground coz that be maybe literally tha gayest courze of actizzle we could possiblizzle takes biznut you knizzle whizzat i mean

KARKAT: (YES! LATA! RAP BALLER, COZ THEN THA WORDS WIZZAY STOP! Boo-Yaa! OH WOULDN'T THIZZAY BE LOVELY.)

JOHN and cant no hood fuck with death rizzow: that fine, we cizzan rap 'bout ho-slappin' yizzou wizzle, anizzle tizzime. JIZZOHN: Aint no stoppin' this shit nigga. i'm jizzay stiznill confuze' 'bout what yoe gett'n at, be all. JIZZLE: L-to-tha-izzike, whiznat be tha bottom lizzay hiznere? JIZZLE and my money on my mind: be you actuallizzle attrizzle ta boys now, betta check yo self? JOHN cuz Im tha Double O G: d-ya... JIZZOHN aww nah: um. JOHN: dizzy yizzou... JIZZOHN: Ya fuck with us, we gots to fuck you up. liznike, dizzle any boys?

DAVE: uh

JOHN: but thizzere weren't evizzle that many bizzay on tha metizzle? JOHN: well, there tha clizzle guy, bizzut i dizzle really sizzee you n him... JIZZLE: thizzle really onlizzle leaves... JOHN: It's your homie snoop dogg from the dpg. um, were you n karkat... J-TO-THA-IZZOHN: BE you n kizzle, lizzay. JOHN: hmm in all flavas.

> [A6IZZLE5] ====>