#it’s not their fault they look like a het couple but I assure you neither of them is straight and possibly they’re not cis either | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vcdbtch · 3 years

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Saying goodbye

Pairing: Merlin x Arthur

Merlin couldn't take his eyes of the top of Arthur's head as he drifted farther away. He felt like if he blinked Arthur would disappear, so he continued to stare until his eyes watered and tears blurred his vision. It wasn't until Arthur finally drifted out of his view that he blinked, sending the hot tears streaming down his cheeks, dripping off his nose and onto the leaves below him.

His boots sunk heavily into the shallow, sandy water beneath him as he contemplated on his next move. He wondered if he should go back to Camelot and face everybody or if he should just leave, leave and start a new life. Merlin knew though, that he owed Gwen an explanation, he knew he couldn't just leave her alone right now.

His entire destiny was based on him keeping this from happening, he was supposed to protect Arthur so he could be the future king, but he failed. He failed his one job and now Arthur was gone forever, well until he was needed again, but that could be thousands and thousands of years, if ever.

Finally, he tore is glossy eyes away from the lake and took a step back onto land. It was eerily quiet, cold almost. No birds sang, no trees rustled, no wild animals ran, nothing at all. As he stepped backwards again he spotted Arthur's red cape that he had left in the dirt. He slowly bent down and picked it up with trembling hands. He closed his eyes and bunched it into a ball before bringing it up to his nose and breathing in the calming scent, trying to get what little he had left of the man.

He folded the cape neatly and laid it across his arms. He looked back at the lake once more before he started to walk.

After struggling for days on foot, the energy being drained out of him from crying so long, he finally saw Camelot's caste in the distance. His heart thumped harder and harder with every step he took, his stomach churning as the guards out the front of the castle came into view.

Merlin dragged his feet as he walked, a desperate attempt to drag it out as long as possible. Not wanting to take in the reality of what had just happened, not wanting to see Gwen's disappointed face, not wanting to see the castle where every inch reminded him of Arthur.

He finally arrived at Camelot's gates, Arthur's cape still in a neat fold over his arms. The blood on the cape had now dried but left a big red stain, just another reminder of his death. Tears pooled in his eyes again as his chest constricted with every step he took inside the castle. Merlin peered up at the castles window and saw Gwen staring back at him. He looked back down in front of him and began to walk towards her, trying to think of something to say, how was he supposed to explain this?

He stopped walking when Gwen appeared at the top of the stairs. He could see the tears pooling in her eyes as the two simply started back at each other, neither making a move toward the other. His heart started to thump in his chest again as Gwen started to run down the stairs, picking up her red dress as she did so.

She wrapped him up in a hug and immediately he started sobbing. He could feel her tears dripping onto his shoulders, it made it all so real.

After hugging for a while Gwen pulled apart. She kept her hands on his shoulders as she looked back at him, searching him for any kind of explanation, tears running down her soft cheeks. "what happened?"

"he's gone" Was all Merlin could bring himself to say.

"what happened, Merlin?" she said as she looked down at his cape and saw the blood stain. He pulled her back into a hug and rubbed her back as he spoke in her ear.

"Could we go somewhere else?"

***

They arrived inside the throne room. As soon as the doors opened, Merlin felt more tears stream down his face. He looked over at the two big chairs, he half expected Arthur to be sitting on them, a smile on his face and shoulders high like he always did.

"Wheres Arthur?" Gwen managed to say as her voice cracked.

"I wasn't fast enough, we were so close. so close-" Merlin started but was interrupted with more tears flowing down his face. "he was wounded, I tried to het him to the lake but I wasn't fast enough and-"

"Merlin, I know" Gwen spoke softly, despite the tears flowing down her cheeks.

Merlin stayed quiet, unsure of his next move. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to say, he let the one person he loved down and now he had to face the love of his life.

"I'm sorry" Merlin breathed out as he looked down at the cape he was still holding.

"it's okay" Gwen assured him as she pulled him into another hug. "I know you loved him, merlin"

Merlin pulled away, eyes widened. He had been in love with Arthur for a long time but made a vow to himself to never tell Gwen or Arthur, he didn't want to ruin their love.

"w-what? how?"

"Merlin I'm not blind, I see the way you look at him, I see the way you fuss over him when he's hurt" she smiled. "and I also happen to know Arthur loved you back"

Merlin's breath hitched in his throat. "no, he loved you Gwen"

"I know he did, but not like he loved you. Just a few days ago he called off the engagement. He said you were the one he loved and it took him forever to realise it, he was planning on telling you when the engagement was fully over"

Merlin couldn't help but smile a little, I mean he's wanted Arthur to love him for so many years.

***

Arthur was declared dead a few days later. All of Camelot was effected. Servants, knights, citizens no longer smiled at Merlin as he walked past. Now they scowled at him, whispered behind his back, saying it was all Merlins fault.

As he walked down the halls of Camelot, heading back to Gaius' chambers, everything felt so empty. Every inch of Camelot feels empty and useless without Arthur, every inch reminding him of the man he loved, the man he failed.

Merlin reached his room and collapsed on his bed, sobbing into his pillow. Merlin grabbed Arthur's cape off his desk and bunched it into a ball, clutching it into his trembling hands as he buries his face in it.

He can still smell Arthur on the cape, the scent wafting through the air. It seemed to be everywhere he went, no matter where he was, he could smell Arthur.

***

The first month was the hardest. Every morning seemed like a challenge, Merlin wouldn't even bother getting out of bed. He lie on his back, staring up at the ceiling as he clutched Arthur's cape in his hands.

It got to the point Gaius had to actually force food down Merlins throat otherwise he'd die of starvation. He was already extremely dehydrated from crying and lack of water, if he didnt eat soon his body would shut down.

He didn't speak for weeks either, he couldn't gather the right words, couldn't find the strength to open his eyes.

A couple of the knights would come and visit him, simply sit by his bedside in silence as Merlin stared up at the ceiling, clutching the cape. They would occasionally try and get him out of bed but with no avail, they soon gave up.

All merlin could do was think. Killgrah said he would rise again when he was needed the most, but how long would that be? years? months? decades? centuries?.

Merlin isn't sure how long he can wait. How can he spend centuries of his life without Arthur if he couldn't even get out of bed?. Every memory of Arthur swam around his head. He repeated every word he ever said to himself, imagined him yelling or swatting him upside the head.

After a month Merlin decided to get up. He realised Gwen and the others were also hurting and they needed him, they also needed protection. Even though he felt so useless and weak without Arthur, his other half. his destiny, he managed to get himself up and out of bed.

The first few days all he would do is take short walks around the castle, watching as the people went about their everyday lives like nothing had happened. Eventually though, he began going to his friends and finding comfort in the fact he wasn't alone.

He began offering to clean the knights armour, despite their protests. He insisted though, he needed something to keep his mind off everything, he needed to get his life back on track.

Merlin would sit in silence for hours on end, scrubbing the knights armour. Sometimes, if he focused on the brush long enough, he would forget about what was happening around him and the only worries he would have are getting the metal clean enough.

***

The days went faster than expected. After a few months, Gwen made Merlin court sorcerer and started on making magic legal. It was a long process but after a few more weeks it finally happened and Merlin was starting to become his normal self again.

He found himself wondering if Arthur would be proud. Would he be proud of Gwen for making magic legal? would he be proud of Merlin for becoming court sorcerer and embracing that part of himself like had always told him?.

Gaius helped alot, as did the knights and Gwen. They helped him stand on his own two feet, they helped him on the days he felt like nothing mattered anymore and all he wanted to do was sleep. They gave him things to do to get his mind off it, they did whatever they could.

Nothing was the same though. Merlin's smile never reached his eyes, his laugh never reached the back of his throat, it was more of a forced chuckle. Arthur would probably smack him upside the head if he saw his manservant in this state.

Sometimes, he would walk in Arthurs room. He would trail his fingers along the dusty furniture, he would sit down on his bed and smell his pillow, he would run his fingers over all Arthur's clothing. He would do anything that he could to be in the presence of his king, his love.

***

On the very day that marked a year since the Kings death, something dreadful happened. Gaius died.

The new Physician said the older man had died peacefully in his sleep from old age, but none of that made it any easier. None of that made Merlin's heart stop aching.

The day he found Gaius, he wouldn't let anyone take him away. He clutched the man's hand and sobbed. He would scream at anyone who tried to tell him to let go, he felt bad but he couldn't help it. In the end, they had to slip him a sleeping potion just so they could get Gaius's body out of his grasp.

After that day, he finally decided it was time to visit Avalon again.

The ride was longer than he remembered. The weeds were a lot longer than before, the trees had grown more too and flowered more leaves.

Nothing had really changed. Except maybe the grass was longer, the birds were singing and wild animals ran though the forest without a care.

Merlin walked over to the shore line. He kneeled down in the water, not caring his pants were becoming soaked. He let out a strangled scream, his magic helping him along the way. Trees swayed as the wind picked up, birds scattered from the trees until finally he needed to breathe.

He let out a sob as he clenched the sand underneath him. He needed Arthur more than ever now, he needed his reassurance and he needed to be in his embrace.

I didn’t edit these next few fan fics when I posted them so forgive the year old writing and possible spelling mistakes

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