i have spent way too much money for christmas this year ngl my bank account is reeling

So here’s what’s up.

Today, I lost a friend. 

She didn’t die. We just stopped being friends. And it’s been a long time coming so don’t be too surprised.. That’s kind of why I made this blog. 

I actually wanted to start this a while back when I started feeling this way. I wanted to document my loneliness as a way to cope with it. I feel that I’m always lacking someone to talk to. And maybe this is a wake up call- losing this friend. Reminding me that I’m not a great person. That’s something you always know but don’t really admit until it’s too late. 

I’ve had two friends, two best friends, for about four years now. The one that I lost- it’s been five years. We’ve known each other since middle school and haven’t been separated since. Naturally, given my personality, I don’t tell people how I feel in the moment. Partly because I just have bad in-the-moment judgement of what I should say to ease the situation and say my opinion calmly without seeming like a bitch, but mostly because I’m scared of losing people. So I bottle it up until I can’t take it, then I seem even more like a bitch because I usually don’t freak out and when I do, it seems excessive. 

You know, they’re always telling you to “be yourself” and tell people how you feel. That’s not reality.. At least not for me. I know, it’s bad habits and my inability to be truthful and honest in relationships but I just can’t stop blaming other people for not considering the way I feel. 

Well, this blog is mostly for myself, I guess. But if you’re reading, that’s fine too. This is not a great time for doing this either, I have two assignments due in two days, one of which I haven’t even started. And that’s essentially where the story begins. 

The first of these assignments is a group one in which I’m in a group with said lost friend. Three to a group, we had to film and edit videos pertaining to Hamlet. I edited hers, since you claims to not know how to edit.. Whatever. Then today she said she wanted to see it and it’s Friday so there was no way to get it to her before Monday (when it’s due). Basically the only way for me to get it to her was to go home and get my laptop and bring it to her workplace when she was on break. (I work at the same place, just a detail). 

So I told her to call her on her break. She never called. 

I don’t know if any of you guys do this but whenever I have any plans with anything, I put off what I’m about to do until after the plan. Whether it be relaxing, cleaning, homework, I just hate when plans interrupt things. So when I went home I decided not to film the second portion of my project because I didn’t want to have to pause my progress in order to go show her this video. 

8:20 comes and I text her to remind her to call me so she can see the text when she enters her break. Less than a second later comes a text saying she forgot. Keep in mind, I’m doing her the favour. “So I’m not gonna see it until Monday?” she said in a sad voice, pressuring me to promise her the favour. And now, she forgot? 

You couldn’t even set an alarm on your phone to remind you to call me? You just forget? Why the fuck not. 

So here’s the conversation after that: 

Me: Next time set an alarm or something to remind you to call me if you wanted to see it. I sat here waiting for you to call me just so I could come show you and you forget. I wanted to film my analysis but i didn't want to bc i wouldn't want to leave in the middle of it so I put it off. Please be more considerate next time.

Her: It would also be nice of you to understand that I was beyond tired today and I couldn't even see straight in front of me at work. I've been up the past few nights doing politics work. The thing is, it shouldn't matter bc you needed to get a hard drive and all anyway. But I guess you don't need that anymore. I was going to suggest you could bring your laptop or USB and I could drop by tmrw on your break, bc I felt bad. Instead of waiting for me you could have managed your time more effectively and done your who's there project. Please try to understand that there are other things going on in my life next time. And also, it's 100% not my fault that from the time you left school, to the time I got my break, you didn't find time to film your 5 minutes analysis.

Me: You're inconsiderate bc every time you do this where you don't even care how long I have to wait. Every time you say "honey bee hives" then I wait around for you just so you can cancel and I can starve !!  It doesn't matter if i had to film 5 minutes or 5 hours because the bottom line is that every time you ’plan’ something with me, I actually think it’s a plan so I don’t bother doing other things yet bc I know it will get interrupted. Everyone is tired and I'm so sorry that you couldn't see straight but that doesn't mean you get to waste my time. I didn't have to say I would come but I did bc you were all like "so I'm not gonna be able to see it?" I took time out of my life just so you could see your scene (which I happily edited) when I even changed my shift in order to get time to do homework so don’t tell me I don’t know how to manage my time. Don’t tell me I need to “understand there are other things going on” in your life because you're the one that has to understand that. It’s not fair to me because you’ve been flaking like this for years and once or twice is okay but when its happened so many times I stop having sympathy. Sorry that I can’t be sorry.

Her: I can't apologize for flaking bc I don't flake bc I don't want to hang out with you. I would just tell you that I don't want to hang out with you. When I don't want to go to honey bee hives it's bc it's after my Friday shift, after a 18 hour day and a full time week. You not understanding that I'm tired or I have other things to do is literally the biggest problem in our relationship, and yours and rias. Time after time you blame others for not wanting to hang out when it's nobody's fault in reality. It's always "my sister sucks, R is a bitvh" with you. I can't speak for your sister or r, so I'll speak for myself. You think I'm a flake bc I don't hang out at night especially, even though I try so hard to uphold our plans. I shouldn't need to apologize repeatedly bc you should have that level of understanding by now. It's so disappointing that after 5 years you don't understand that my mother doesn't want me to go out at night, or spend crazy amounts of time out of the house. It's not called flaking, it's called life. I'm sorry you had to edit my video. I didn't want you to either bc I knew somehow it would be thrown in my face. What you don't seem to understand is that we have very different lives. But if you don't get it by now, you never will. It's sad, really, to think we've been "good friends" for years when all you want to do together is talk shit about other people. I can't have sympathy for your time, bc you have three courses a day, one of which is challenging, which you do not put 100% effort into. Don't talk to me about changing your shift, bc you've had weeks to do this assignment. Ain't nobody trying to waste your time bc you do it quite well on your own.

Me: Well great. thanks for letting me know. Let's just not talk anymore. Anything else you have to say please say it now bc I don't think you want to be my friend anymore either. See you whenever. Any money I owe you? just bc im angry, doesnt mean Im not going to take what you said in consideration. Hope you can do the same bc you need to work on shit too

Her: Thank you for telling me what you feel. I hope you honestly reflect on what I said, bc it's something that gets between all of your relationships. Your inability to tell people what you feel and talk it out is often what destroys your friendships. I think we've grown apart, and I will always have respect for you, and hope you will for me too. I want to be mature about this, and I'm sure you do too.

So yeah, that’s how it went. And now I lost a friend. 

And live update! Just lost the other friend too. That’ll be another day’s explanation. 

TheLonelyDiaries.