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venusluvrr · 3 years

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The Psychological Horror Manhwa “Killing Stalking” is not a Romance, but an Emotional Series Depicting the Codependent Relationship Between Two Ill Individuals

Content Warning!!: contains mentions of sexual abuse (rape) and mental illness.

Killing Stalking is an immensely twisted webcomic series, mainly popular within the Yaoi community for its boy on boy focused plotline. The story follows characters Yoon Bum (Bum), a shy, scrawny young man with a haunting past filled with abuse, and Oh Sangwoo (Sangwoo), a younger man who also has a quite damaging upbringing but masks it perfectly with his vibrant, extroverted personality. After being saved from a rape attempt during his time serving in the military, Bum develops a crush on his saviour, Sangwoo, from which an unhealthy obsession starts to arise and he eventually finds himself locating and breaking into the man’s home one day when he’s out. When he does, he discovers a terribly injured woman being held captive in his basement, and with further evidence, soon comes to the realization that his crush is actually a serial killer -- hence the name “Killing Stalking,” as Sangwoo kills and Bum stalks. For a very specific reason though, Sangwoo decides not to kill the man that had been stalking him, and instead holds him hostage in his custody. From here, the story goes into exceeding depth of the abnormal, toxic, and manipulative relationship the two form during their time spent together. By just the mere description of it, it’s a bit concerning to know that a large portion of readers still support Sangwoo and Bum’s relationship. In other words, they believe they truly loved each other and that the story was not only horror fiction but a romance as well. One could easily come to this conclusion by basing their relationship on the few parts within the novel where they showed affection towards each other -- for example when Bum allows Sangwoo to hug him to sleep when he suffered through the night, or my personal favourite, when Sangwoo buys Bum a stuffed frog keychain after finding out that he had an affinity for such creatures. But we cannot simply dismiss the underlying factors of their relationship because of some cute things they did that made our heart melt -- Sangwoo still abused Bum at his leisure which makes those moments quite meaningless in the sense of it all. What Sangwoo and Yoonbum shared can’t be classified as “love,” because even with their peculiar bond and endearing moments, the psychological damage they both endured played a bigger part in the way they perceived each other.

Many toxic relationships start out lovely and glamorous until the couple have become comfortable enough to start revealing some bad habits, but in Sangwoo and Bum’s case, they were already off to a bad start, as the reason they remained with each other was solely for reasons pertaining to their poor mental health.

At the time Sangwoo saved Bum in the military, Bum still suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) -- a disorder he inferrably developed due to the fact that he grew up being constantly physically and sexually abused by the people around him. People with this illness may easily develop an infatuation for a person who shows them even the least bit of care; It can reach the point where they begin to idolize them and see them almost as a perfect human being -- which is exactly how Bum viewed Sangwoo after he helped him to escape a rape attempt. The likely specific term for what Sangwoo was to Bum is a Favourite Person (FP). To an individual suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, their FP is everything -- their self-worth, identity and emotional dependency all rely on this one person, making them the center of their lives. In contrast to this sincere fondness, the only reason Sangwoo kept Bum alive was because of the man’s resemblance to his late mother -- the one person in his life who he truly loved. While his father was abusive and negligent, his mother tried her best to care for her son even while her own mental stability wasn’t so great either. Even though it was implied that he was responsible for the murder of both his mother and father in high school -- getting away with it scotch-free because of how perfectly executed his plan was -- he still shared a special bond with the woman, allowing her existence follow and continue to torutue him mentally as he grew older. When he saw Yoonbum, he felt as if she had been somewhat resurrected, or at least he could pretend so by dressing him up in his mother’s clothes and making him cook and do the chores; He also played the husband role by abusing and assaulting Bum just as his father did to his mother -- mostly just out of his own nature. Sangwoo had his own issues, “mommy issues,” and he initially needed to keep Bum alive so he could fulfill his own longing desires. Knowing the man’s character though, things wouldn’t end there and instead headed down a very gruesome and frightful path.

The very reasons that the two were drawn to each other we’re even more evident the longer they lived under the same roof. While Yoonbum continued to recall the perfect image he had of Sangwoo in his head, Sangwoo continued to manipulate the man in order to satisfy his own needs. A healthy relationship cannot be based on deceit, because one person will end up victimized instead of loved.

Oh Sangwoo is a sadistic sociopath with a history of kidnapping, abusing, raping and torturing innocent people, and because of his illness, he shows feels and shows no remorse for his actions and even proceeds to kill off his victims as they pleaded in objection. What some people don’t understand is that when Sangwoo met Bum, the only reason he treated him differently was not because he thought of him as special, but because he had a personal agenda that included making Bum think that was the truth and that he was indeed the favoured victim among many. It’s no surprise with the man’s manipulative personality that he would enjoy planting a lie in Bum’s head to make him stay and continue to do as he says, and this is confirmed whenever he returned back to his old destructive habits even after showing the man acts of affection. Yes, Sangwoo spared Bum’s life, clothed him and fed him, but as their bond grew, his narcissistic attitude was still more apparent than ever.

Upon meeting Bum for the first time, Sangwoo didn’t hesitate to aggressively break his ankles to prevent his mobility, he left the man within the dark confinement of his basement for a certain period of time before letting him out only after he had gained his trust. He made him sit in a chair to wash dishes and make dinner because he could no longer stand. Sangwoo also constantly dragged Bum down with derogatory words and statements every chance he could get, this included calling him a “retard,” and referring to him as a “disgusting” and “filthy” human being. As confirmed by the author, Sangwoo is also heterosexual, which is further proved by the homophobic remarks he made towards a significantly older man who was sexually attracted to him while murdering him with Bum’s aid. This fact alone is another one that should justify a strong point that demonstrates the true hostility of their relationship -- Yoonbum never gave his consent to have sex with Sangwoo, nor did he allow it to happen because “he wanted it.” He specifically used phrases such as, “No,” “Stop,” and “It hurts,” implying that sometimes there was no mutual agreement when they had sex and Sangwoo had actually raped him several times.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder have been reported to have difficulties seeing the faults in their partner -- this explains why Bum still held on to him. He chose to stay when he had the chance to escape, and with tears rolling down his face from excruciating pain he still told Sangwoo he loved him. In a scene where Bum is left alone with the police as they investigate the suspicions they have surrounding him, he questions them saying, “Could you kiss somebody like me? Could you love somebody like me?” As he believes nobody but Sangwoo could answer yes to those two questions, convinced that Sangwoo really does have feelings for him. It’s saddening to know that the poor man had successfully been lured into a trap, and because of his mental health it would be much harder for him to realize it.

To the readers that think, “Sangwoo and Yoonbum needed each other,” -- You’re not completely wrong. They did need each other in the way that they found somewhat of a saneness from each other’s presence, each using one another to each other’s benefit. But being together at the same time built on their insanity, as the presence of Sangwoo’s mother seemed to grow even more prevalent with Bum, who resembled her, also in the picture, and Yoonbum growing so unhealthily attached to Sangwoo that he constantly feared of abandonment and turned the sociopath into the only source of his happiness. They needed each other, but not for the right reasons. They were attached to each other, but there was no love, otherwise it would reflect throughout the story. One of the most debate-worthy scenes that challenge this fact is when Sangwoo is reported by an old lady in the hospital, the one that had ended his life, that he was calling out Bum’s name throughout the night as he lay in his deathbed. Those were his final words, and Yoonbum’s final word was also Sangwoo’s name before he was very well implied to have been hit by a car while he chased an illusion of the man he “loved.” Even I almost felt that this was solid proof that even through the tough and terrible of their relationship, deep inside, the two really were in love but could not express it in the right way due to their mental health issues -- after all, what someone makes of their final moments before death is much more meaningful than most of what they've done in their life entirely. But I came to realize that the only way I could support this relationship would be if they had met in an alternate universe where they did not suffer from such dreadful childhood trauma that made them into the hurting individual they had become before meeting each other. As difficult as it is for me to picture the two with different partners, it would be best if the two had not met at all as they only fed into the severity of their conditions.

#killing stalking #sangwoo #yoonbum #yaoi #horror #manhwa

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picturejasper20 · 4 years

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Malachite Character Analysis

(Warning: Mention and analysis of a very toxic relationship.)

¨These two are really bad for each other. Malachite was formed through extortion and deception and held together out of revenge. Malachite is the worst relationship imaginable.¨

Malachite was a character that was introduced in Season 1 finale "Jailbreak" after Jasper and Lapis Lazuli decided to fuse together to defeat the Crystal gems.

In this post i'm going to examine Malachite as a fusion and what she tells us about Jasper and Lapis and their relationship.

Lapis Lazuli´s and Jasper´s backstory:

First let's talk a bit about Jasper's and Lapis´ past:

Steven first found Lapis trapped in a Gem mirror, after spending some time with her, he decided to free her and later healed her gem so she could return to Homeworld by using her magic water wings.

In the episode ¨Same Old World¨ (Season 3) Lapis tells to Steven her backstory about how she got trapped in that mirror.

¨It was thousands of years ago. I was only meant to visit for a short time, but I got caught in the middle of the war. It was awful. I tried to run, but... I was picked up by a Homeworld soldier and confused for a Crystal Gem, and used as a tool.¨

Lapis talks about what happened to her as it was an accident, a terrible tragedy in which there´s not only one person she can blame for all her problems. In a way, she´s potrayed as victim of the Gem war, she was on Earth for a visit and then she was meant to leave.

She was treated as a prisoner from gems who were supposed to be on her side, used as a tool and left behind on Earth like her life was nothing.

¨It soon became clear that there was no hope in stopping the rebellion. All of the Homeworld Gems fled, and all the panic of escaping Earth, I was left behind. And there I stayed. Freedom in my sight, but out of reach for ages, until I was found.¨

Then she spend thousands of year trapped in that mirror, alone, with no one to talk to, with her gem cracked on top of that. Anyone stuck in that situation who quickly became insane and would definely not be the same person that used to be before the traumatic event.

It´s not suprising Lapis was so angry when Steven free her from that mirror. While she didn´t want to get revenge on the Crystal gems she still had a lot of anger and frustration buried deep inside her.

As for Jasper, her backstory differs greatly from Lapis´:

Jasper was born in the middle of the gem war in the Beta Kindergarten, in less than a few hours she took more than 80+ Crystal gems impressing many Homeworld gems due to her strengh.

She was considered a gem role model in Homeworld, she was an example of what a quartz soldier should be. The issue was that depiste being highly respected by her peers, she couldn´t get out of her mind that she still was a gem that came from the worst kindergarten on Earth.

According to Peridot on ¨Beta¨ most gems born in the Beta Kirdengarten came out flawed or defective in some way. This was because Homeworld rushed the place during the war to get more gems.

Jasper was one of the few gems that came out ¨right¨ to the point she could be considered a superquartz soldier by Homeworld´s standards.

However not matter how much praised she got, Jasper thought there was something with her because of her origins. This made her develop an obsession with proving her power and getting more and more self-destructive as time passed.

¨Jasper is a bully in the truest sense. Deep down, she's afraid there's something wrong with her, so she has to feed her ego. She has to put other Gems down to stay on top. Who she is and where she's from gnaws at her all the time. She has a fantastic reputation, she's considered the greatest Quartz soldier produced on Earth, and that might impress other Gems, but it will never be good enough for her.¨

¨Because she loves honor, fighting, making her mark, and winning the battle, she'll actually go against her programming a little bit just to be the winner. So she can be self-destructive at times. She is tragically obsessed with proving her superiority.¨

Why is all this important? Well, it´s essential to know where these characters are coming from to understand why they decided to be Malachite in first place and why they were a recipe for disaster the moment that Jasper asked Lapis to fuse with her.

On one hand you have a gem that was spent thousands of years trapped against her will and carries a lot on anger and trauma inside her. On the other hand the other gem also has war trauma, it's very self-destructive and thinks she's horrible. Mix these two together and what you get is a unstable fusion made of hate and revenge.

Malachite as a metaphor for Jasper´s and Lapis´ relationship

Now that i have talked about their past. I going examine the scene in which they fuse into Malachite in "Jailbreak" and what the fusion tells us about their relationship.

After being defeated by Garnet (a fusion) Jasper decides to find someone she could also fuse with to win against the Crystal gems.

She spot Lapis Lazuli and grabs her before she can escape flying. She convinces Lapis to fuse with her to get revenge on Crystal gems. She reminds her how they used her and how they are traitors to Homeworld.

¨These Gems, they're traitors to their Homeworld. They kept you prisoner. They used you.¨

It's worth of pointing out that Jasper never tries to "force" Lapis into fusing with her in this scene. She tries using her, true, but she waits until Lapis accepts and gives her hand.

Now, Jasper could care less about Lapis in this scene. For her, she was only just a tool to get revenge on the Crystal gems and Rose Quartz. There wasn't any "trust" between the two.

As for Lapis, she tried escaping from Jasper first but after realising that she was about to being used again by someone who had kept her prisoner in the ship she snapped and decided to stop being treated like an object for once.

Moments later after they fused into Malachite, Lapis took control of the fusion's water powers and chained her down, dragging her into the bottow of the ocean.

¨I'm done being everyone's prisoner. Now you're my prisoner! And I'm never letting you go! Let's stay on this miserable planet... together!¨

As Lapis stated, she was done of being everyone's prisioner, she was tired of being treated like a tool by everyone. Control in her own life was something was constanly taken away from her. So by trapping Malachite (and herself) meant that was able to make choices again.

As for Jasper, i already mentioned that she only wanted Lapis to become more powerful. Jasper is a gem that shown to be obssesed with winning and fighting. She doesn't accept defeat easily and the more she loses, more self-destructive she gets.

In "Chilled tid" Steven gets a glimpse of what Malachite's mind looked like: Lapis and Jasper were fighting over the control of the fusion. They both were completely exhausted and beaten.

There's a visual methaphor about how they are both chained to Malachite in this dream sequence. This is very much like how it's really difficult to get out of a toxic/codependent relationship and how one feels trapped with no hope of getting out of it.

Another interesting detail is when Jasper takes control, all she's able to say is "YOU! YOU! YOU!¨ to Steven. It shows how crazy she gets when can't win a battle and how her mind deteriorates in the process.

The episode "Alone at the Sea" explores their relationship even further by showing which their main motivations were and how it affect them both.

First of all, the reason of why Lapis didn't want to be near the ocean again it's because it remind her of time she used to be fused with Jasper:

"Look, Lapis, I know you spent a really long time fused with Jasper at the bottom of the ocean, but you're not Malachite anymore.And water is a part of who you are. You can't let one bad experience take that away from you."

During the boat trip Lapis keeps blaming herself for the events of Ocean gem and Malachite:

"It's my fault. I'm the one to blame."

"I'm terrible! I did horrible things! I-I broke your dad's leg. I stole Earth's ocean! Go on! Tell me I'm wrong!"

She describes herself as "terrible". She thinks she don't deserve the kindness that Steven has giving her during all this time.

Lapis is a character who usually stuggles with change in the series. She thinks she won't be able to revover from her trauma, that she can't grow and become a better person.

She also mentions to him how she can't help but think of when she used to be Malachite.

"I'm really trying to enjoy it out here, but... I can't stop thinking about being fused as Malachite, how I used all my strength to hold her down in the ocean, and how I was always battling against Jasper to keep her bound to me."

"But it's not like that anymore. You don't have to be with Jasper."

"That's not it. I... I miss her."

"What?!"

"We were fused for so long."

This implies that after spending so much together Jasper and Lapis became codependent of each other. Steven, who was still a teenager in this scene, couldn't fully get grasp of why his friend who missed being in a terrible situation like that.

And Lapis was not the only one that felt like this.

When Jasper shows up, she shows she has been missing Lapis as well and she has been tracking her to find her.

In a very rare moment that would look out of character for her Jasper kneels down and begs for Lapis to be Malachite again.

¨Let's be Malachite again.¨

Keep in mind that until know Jasper has always been potrayed as someone who would do anything it takes to win. She's tough gem soldier who isn't afraid of her enemies. She's strong,cocky and agressive. So why did she ask to be Malachite again?

"I was wrong about fusion. You made me understand! Malachite was bigger and stronger than both of us! We could fly!"

She emphazises Malachite's power when they were fused. How strong and powerful she was.

This makes sense considering the factthat Jasper thinks of herself as "horrible" and "defective". She has a huge inferiority complex that comes from how Earth gems are perceived on Homeworld.

So, being Malachite made her feel "complete" and cover up her insecurities and personal issues.

"It'll be better this time. I've changed. You've changed me. I'm the only one who can handle your kind of power."

She tries to convince Lapis by saying how she's the only one that can "handle" her powers. This shows again how self-destructive Jasper can be as she was willing to go through that pain again just to feel powerful.

Another reason, i think, it's because she partially blames herself for Pink Diamond'd shattering. She probably wanted to be punished for her "failure" or wanted someone who she could follow again much like she started calling Steven "My diamond" in "Homeworld Bound".

As for Lapis, there are a few reasons she had her doubts of being Malachite again:

1) The fusion was a way for her to gain control back on her own life. She was tired of being tricked and used by everyone that she wanted to take her anger on someone.

"I was terrible to you. I liked taking everything out on you. I needed to, I-I hated you. It was bad!"

Lapis wanted someone to go through the same pain she had to endure for thousands of years. And that someone could have anyone. She choosed Jasper as she was the closest one to her in "Jailbreak".

When she was separated, she felt she suddenly lost that great amount of power that the fusion gave to her. She lost that "control" she had.

2) During "Alone at the sea" she describes herself many times as terrible and how she doesn't deserve the boat trip. She keeps blaming herself from her actions and how she can't get better.

Jasper even calls Lapis a monster in a moment, stating they very much alike:

"You can't lie to me. I've seen what you're capable of. I thought I was a brute, but you... you're a monster."

Lapis wanted to go back to be Malachite since she thought it was what someone as terrible as her deserved. She thought she couldn't grow into good person. Gems terrible as her and Jasper were meant to be together.

But Lapis knew better than getting trapped in that fusion again.

"NO! ""What we had wasn't healthy. I never want to feel like I felt with you. Never again! So just, go!"

In the end she refused to fuse with Jasper and realised how toxic their relationship was. It was a terrible experience and something she didn't want to take part in ever again.

Malachite as a character

Being fusion who is supposed to represent an very toxic relationship, Malachite is potrayed as very agressive, unstable and sadistic. She´s quite unpredictable since her actitude depends of who it´s taking control of her.

When her eyes are ¨cat shaped¨ it usually means that Jasper is the one controlling her. If her eyes are wide and open, it indicates Lapis is the one in control.

It´s difficult to affirm Malachite ever had her own personality at all,as her components were always fighting over her power and she was a mere tool from the moment she was ¨born¨.

¨A fusion like theirs is unstable, bound together by anger and mistrust. If that bond snaps, their anger will take over, and destroy.¨

She ends up being a pretty tragic character as her whole existence was filled by hatred and suffering to the point she didn´t know anything else. Unlike other characters from Steven universe she wasn´t given the chance to redeem herself.

It´s interesting how Malachite in ¨Super Watermelon Island¨ kept exchaching between ¨we¨ and ¨I¨ to talk about herself. This indicates again that she wasn´t fully her own person.

If Lapis and Jasper were to fuse again after having worked through their issues, Malachite would be a more stable and less agressive fusion. But that´s very unlikely to happen since it was a terrifying experience for both of them.

In conclusion: Malachite is character with tons of metaphors that talks a lot about Lapis and Jasper and who they are as people. She serves to show how toxic some relationships can get when there is a lack of basic trust and understanding and is created by mutual hatred. It´s an example of how complicated relationships can be and how a person it´s really more complex they appear to be.

#Steven universe #Lapis lazuli #Jasper #malachite #malachite su #su fusions #SU analysis #Toxic relationships #Body horror #character analysis #Alone at the sea #chille tid #Jailbreak #super watermelon island #Beta kindergarten #Gem war

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allegoryofdream · 7 years

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Red feelings

I miss you so much my heart feels like I am ripping it apart. I feel like I’ll never stop loving you. You were so beautiful when you wanted to be, at times when you held me i felt like I was a rescued princess. I felt safe and beautiful at the beginning. I felt caressed and and not alone. You were my best friend, I could laugh with you about anything and everything. My heart breaks everyday knowing that we are done and that this is the reality. You are sick and I have to accept that. I tried so hard to help you and I fell in love with all of your flaws, meanwhile mine were growing. So many mornings I wake up feeling incomplete without you, when in fact when I was with you I felt so utterly alone

This feeling lingers and I miss you more everyday I wish we could throw the past away and start again, but I know it would end up in the same place I lie to myself, I make things with you seem better than they ever were I fell in love with the idea I had of you I never knew you, you hid yourself so well from me, too scared to open up I poured my soul out to you expecting you to do the same Silly me This solitude speaks volumes to my soul which now understands you never wanted to move forward You only wanted to place blame for everything on me Training me to take the fault for everything I called you out every time something huge was bugging me And you would stand there and tell me I am worrying too much, I’m being a freak, I’m over analyzing I made myself think I was being so toxic when I wasn’t, I just wanted the truth. I cared and wanted to fix the problems we had. Years of this toxic cycle imprinted in my brain, I made mistakes I would never have never done before I met you I looked in the mirror and I saw a stranger I looked at you and saw the same My heart aches for us to heal and work But I know it will never be, you see, people like you don’t change unless their willing You think there’s nothing wrong, so how could you change My heart aches when I think back to all our beautiful memories I miss the way you slipped inside of me when we were both craving each other’s touch Sometimes my sexual thoughts get the best of me I miss the passion I miss your lips on my body, I miss feeling like a princess with you and a bad girl at the same time I was fully committed to you in our early days, ah, all I wanted for the rest of my life was you I became codependent I lost my self esteem I lost myself When I discovered you I fell in love with self destruction when I fell in love with you I should have known The lies were just the beginning That later you would judge, ridicule, gaslight and lie to me And pretend like nothing ever happened, deeming me insane to react to something that wasn’t a big deal or even real Even if I caught you in a lie, it would somehow end up being my fault Something I never did to you I never shamed you I praised you I was upset because you gave me so many reasons not to trust you I still wanted to take care of you forever I forgot about myself I slowly started to realize That I can’t change someone who doesn’t want to You just said you did, told me everything I ever wanted and needed to hear I believed you You ruined me As my depression and anxiety grew you pushed me further into the ground Mocking my pain and aggressively telling me that I was just doing it all for attention You cornered me and my pain I reacted with incredible force I screamed. I hit. I cried. I felt horrible.

You never showed respect for my opinion like I did for yours

You made me feel like I intentionally wanted to hurt you when I was reacting to you. You confused my mind to the point of manipulating my soul into becoming a horrible person I believed I was horrible So I became horrible Unknowingly and knowingly horrible to myself and you when I got upset or sad I wasn’t strong enough to turn back, I had nothing left I trusted you and let you destroy me I had given you kindness and understanding in so many fucked up situations which you created, every human has their breaking points. I had most of mine with you

I never wanted things to be this way, what happened to us? Where are we going? We destroyed ourselves I let you destroy me The lies The judgment The misunderstandings The confusion The manipulation It ruined me.

I want you to know that I never lied to you, I told you everything you ever needed to know. I wanted us to work. I faced myself, my faults, I wanted to move forward It’s a shame you couldn’t do the same for yourself and me It’s a shame I wasn’t worth enough to you to better yourself for our love It’s a horrible feeling, the feeling of feeling like you were the only one who ever cared about what happened with our love All this time and energy, seemingly going into nothing

In the future you say Darling, I will be long gone by then My spirit will be free and open And I will have fully realized that someone like you is toxic to my being.

I let you steal my light Never again

Perhaps, if you came to me and tried to see how I felt when you packed my things without me knowing. I thought there was going to be a discussion But no, you decided for yourself. How selfish of you to treat me like someone who never loved you I am disgusted that you didn’t think about how much that would rip me apart I told you I needed time, I needed my friend. My friend being “the other man”, I sought him out for comfort, understanding, love, gentleness, understanding conversations, everything I never had with you. He saw how sad I was with you and wanted to love me, I let him aid in ending our love. I needed someone to talk to, I should have stopped talking to you before I consoled him about my feelings I made a mistake in the midst of being blinded by so much pain I apologized and proved I was sorry, he left the picture, until I discovered hateful messages about me on your phone - Talking to someone I thought I could call my friend, and the girl you slept with for comfort while I was gone, who promised me she would never. But she did, 3 times. She wanted nothing more from you but sex and to cause pain in my life Little did I know I was being judged for every move I made Everyone looking at me like I am intentionally deceitful, an attention whore, little girl, over dramatic, I should grow up, when they barely knew half of the story because you only chose to tell them the parts that make you look like you’re the only one who’s trying But instead you call me a cheater When I consoled a man who truly loved me I was with him when we were apart I made a mistake to talk to him while I was with you, yes, it was selfish and hurtful of me to do that to you. After years of being thrown under the bus, after years of pain, after years of misunderstandings, I let myself go. I let our love go, and I didn’t even realize it. You turn everyone against me for the one mistake that later ended up saving my life He’s here You aren’t You had so many chances to fix it and open up, but I would always later be destroyed by hidden secrets and gaslighting

I wanted to die I felt too fat Too ugly I felt like I was always overreacting I felt insane I felt like I was the devil himself Not good enough for you Makeup and reading was the only thing that made me feel good about myself I lost touch with Mother Nature I lost touch with friends After years of your ego running all over my gullible soul I left I left I left I left

The saddest realization about all of this, is that I will never love you again like I did. We will never be together again I could never let that happen I could never disrespect myself like that again. I was consciously blinded by my self conscious mind. I let you manipulate my own duality. Never again

You think that I am just overreacting to everything, how horrible of you to say that to someone who is reacting to a horribly toxic situation That I don’t publicize for sympathy from others I keep it safe inside myself, nothing gets muffled and confused that way I protected our love and hardships Out of respect for you Out of respect for us And for the sheer fact that I had no one else to talk to except the other man and you I could no longer do that because of feeling so insane, that I thought I needed psychiatric help. You worsened my pain and I let you How could I betray myself like that How could I

The only reason I kept coming back was out of sheer disrespect for myself My soul, destroyed and manipulated over and over, time and time again, eventually something inside of me died Most of the good parts of me We’re sucked out From all of the confusion and pain you caused I felt stupid with you I never felt good enough I never felt pretty I felt lazy Like I was choosing a life of demise when I was battling my depression and anxiety so hard everyday You worsened everything I struggled with

But my god, when you would touch me it felt cosmic I felt your eyes on me whenever I looked away from you I miss your touch I miss your sweet passionate kisses I miss watching movies with you I miss going for walks with you I miss sleeping beside you I miss watching you paint and print shirts I miss waking up next to you with your hair all messy, looking so peaceful I miss you snuggling up to me even though I would always push you away because of all the pain Why do I miss you so much If you cause me so much fucking pain

We cut ourselves open the first week of meeting each other and shared our blood A part of me will always live within you And a part of you will always live within me

But oh god, it kills my heart knowing we can never be together again unless you face yourself. A part of me secretly knowing that will never happen, because that means releasing the ego and admitting how many times you were wrong

It’s all about winning to you If you truly cared, your heart would be pouring out to me If you truly cared, I wouldn’t be here crying in the rain my myself

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