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shrewstew · 28 days

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My Stinky Teenage South Park Headcanons (long asl)

꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦

Pt. 1 - Kenny McCormick

Warning: Blood + SH scars, you have been warned

There’s some angst mixed in here, it’s like a big bag of trail mix except instead of m&ms you get sad

Kenny works at Tweak Bros along with Tweek, Craig, Red, and Wendy. He works the most amount of hours, and almost always gets employee of the month. It pisses Tweek off sooooo much.

During breaks, Tweek vents at him while he silently listens. Him and Craig stay silent, and show eachother memes sometimes. Him and Wendy are pretty friendly with eachother. Him and Red don’t really talk, cuz she’s popular and he sniffs paste, and being friends with Wendy doesn’t really change that.

He spends most of his free time either with the gang or at work. He is always on that grind 🔥💪

He sets things on fire for fun.

He also steals a lot, he is banned from the nearest Walmart

He gets the least amount of sleep out of the 4. He has a busy mind. But he also works late hours, and has to try to get his homework done. He usually tries to quiet his mind with dirty mags or by texting anyone who’s awake.

He doesn’t “come out” to anyone, he just gets a boyfriend one day and everyone just has to accept that.

He also never got diagnosed with anything until adulthood, cuz poor.

He likes big boobs, AND ☝️😲 men with large pectorals

He likes skirts, long ones specifically. He hates makeup tho, he tried to be a model for Karen but he kept unintentionally flinching away and she got fed up. He also likes painting his nails cuz it keeps him from chewing them to the bone

Parentification trauma. Forced to basically be a parent for Karen, he now struggles with setting boundaries and at times people pleasing. He is emotionally unstable and prefers to keep that shit to himself

He gets a lot of piercings, but they often get infected and close up due to lack of care

He does them himself. He bites a belt and takes his mom’s sewing needle in his skin like a champ. He uses earrings he stole from hot topic

He has a hard time taking care of himself, he hates brushing his hair, his teeth are rancid, he forgets to shower frequently, and I already mentioned his sleep schedule.

Karen likes to brush his hair for him, so she can practice braiding. She also tries to remind him to take care of himself, and he gets defensive cuz he thinks it’s embarrassing and feels bad for making her worry

He fucking loves horror movies I’ve decided. Also a big sci-fi fan.

(Tw s/h, I try to keep it vague) He still dies a lot. So he eventually develops a bad habit as a form of having control in his life. This is a troubling combination with his addictive personality.

Every now and then he goes hunting with Kevin on the weekends, and they are completely silent the entire time. It’s peak bonding. One time they brought back a moose.

They also spend some time together sitting on the porch drinking beer they stole from their dad, also in complete silence.

He does not have a license, and he is not trusted with cars. The family car is already a heap of shit, they don’t need him wrecking it in a freak accident.

I think he is one of those people who genuinely could vibe with any music genre. His playlist is genuinely confusing and whiplash inducing. I think he would like System of A Down, AC/DC, and The Bloodhound Gang (But that’s just me)

He is the kind of guy to not pay attention to anything the group is talking about, he is just dancing to the music playing on the mall speakers or something

Feel free to add your own

I don’t draw scars very often on characters, this likely isn’t super accurate, but I’m willing to learn how to make it not look like shit

#kenny mccormick #south park #headcanon #teen au #tweek tweak #craig tucker #wendy testaburger #karen mccormick #kevin mccormick #angst #south park headcanons #cringe #cringecore

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maybedefinitely404 · 4 years

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American Dream

Genre: angst with a happy ending/fluff

Pairing: romantic Dukexiety

World: just-out-of-high-school AU

Content: homophobia, threatened abuse from parents (no actual violence), extreme cold, getting kicked out, minor religious talk, getting outed, AIDS and death mention, fluffy Dukexiety because my heart needs it.

Word count: 2.3k

Comments: She doesn’t have Tumblr, but I need to give a shout out to my kiddo for proof reading and beta-ing most of my fics. She pushes me to write more, and even if she won’t see this, I just need to say it.

This fic is inspired by the song American Dream by MKTO.

Please pick up, please pick up, please pick up…

The night coolness spread through Virgil like a sickness. It was unforgiving, toxic, seeped with the memories of the evening that curled through his stomach in dark tendrils. Below his bare feet, the sidewalk burned in the way that only ice does, small pebbles digging into his soles. He would do anything for socks. God, why hadn’t he grabbed socks?

Probably for the same reason he hadn’t grabbed shoes.

Please pick up, please pick up, c’mon, pick up already!

His eyes hurt. They already burned with unshed tears that he’d still been too scared to release, and the cool air didn’t help. Crying on the street was a vulnerability he wasn’t ready to face. His lungs burned. He’d been sprinting non-stop for who knows how long. His own panicked gulps for air and the all-too-loud hum of a blinking streetlight were the only sound on the silent street. Virgil had been watching the moths swarm at the fixture for who knows how long, finding odd solace in the fact that at least there was still some life in the darkness. They were still alive, untouched, same as they were yesterday and probably the same as they would be tomorrow, unfazed by the complete turmoil his life had become. And that was somewhat comforting.

“Virgie, you okay? It’s almost midnight!”

Thank fucking god. He opened his mouth to speak, to explain to Remus what had happened. Obviously, Remus would care. That wasn’t a doubt in his mind; that was the only reason he wasn’t anxious as all fuck right now… about the call, that is. He was anxious about approximately everything else. But as soon as the first noise made its way past his lips, the first utterance of a plea for help, everything that he’d been holding back burst forth like a broken dam. He clamped his hand over his mouth, trying to muffle the loud sobbing that he suddenly couldn’t contain.

“Shit. Virgil, what happened? I’m coming over. Are you at home?”

That’s the issue. “No,” he gasped, mildly surprised he hadn’t crushed the phone with the way his grip tightened, “I got kicked out.”

“What the fuck?!”

Virgil flinched. “Can… can you come p-pick me up? I’m at the corner of Jackson and Pullard. Please, please, come get me…”

“Yes. Absolutely. I’m on my way. Stay there, okay?”

Virgil hung up reluctantly after agreeing, not wanting his boyfriend to drive while on the phone, even if Remus gladly would have done it. In fact, he’d used to do it all the time; text, eat, do his makeup, all while cruising down the freeway. He’d only put a stop to it when he saw how much it affected Virgil.

He counted down the minutes on his phone, always having been nitpicky with times, knowing that it shouldn’t take Remus more than ten minutes to get there. If he remembered correctly where he was at the moment, that is. Remus had gotten kicked out of his parents’ house in his senior year of high school after a bad fight. They’d never really been great parents, always showing favoritism towards his brother (amongst other things), and he was more than willing to leave. Virgil had tried to beg his parents to let Remus stay with them, but they’d downright refused, calling him a bad influence and a string of other insults that Virgil didn’t even like to think about. God forbid what would happen if they found out the two were dating.

…Well, they did now. And God hadn’t exactly forbidden what they’d done.

But Remus hadn’t had a solid place to live since it had happened almost a year ago. He couch surfed for a while, bouncing between some old friends who had now gone off to college, or just lived in his car. He’d made it work, and had claimed to Virgil that he actually didn’t mind it that much. If he was telling the truth, Virgil wasn’t sure. He’d saved up some money and bought an inflatable mattress that filled up his back seat area, and Virgil was able to give him his family’s old camping stove by convincing them they lost it. It’s not like they’d gone camping since he was a kid, anyways. Last he’d checked, Janus was home for break and Remus was staying with him for the two weeks he was in town, but those two weeks were probably pretty close to done. Unfortunately, Virgil and Janus had never gotten along, so Remus didn’t bring him up. It was a mutual understanding.

As soon as Remus’ car pulled up to the curb, ten minutes on the dot, Virgil basically flung himself into the passenger seat. The car was warm, so so warm, he almost cried again, this time in relief. Remus pulled back onto the road as soon as he was buckled on.

“Vee, what happened?” It wasn’t hard to guess, there were only so many reasons his parents would have to kick him out. He’d narrowed it down to his parent’s finally having it with Virgil’s tattoo artist dream, or… well…

“Someone at my mom’s work found my Instagram. She went up to my mom, basically started gushing about ‘how handsome I was with my boyfriend’. Specifically the picture of us at Pride from a couple years ago.”

“Ah.” Remus knew the picture well. He’d printed it out and it was pinned to the inside of his sun visor.

“Yeah. Mom called my dad, they were both waiting when I got home. Had screenshots and everything. They grilled me about ‘dishonoring God’ and ‘throwing away my life’. Said I was gonna get AIDS. Die before twenty five. Ya know. The whole lecture.”

Remus didn’t. Surprisingly, him being gay was not a concern of his parent’s. His brother was gay too, and they didn’t give a rat’s ass about that. He nodded along anyways.

“They went on for so long. It was insane. Then they dropped the whole ‘you’re not our son’ thing-” Virgil’s voice cracked, but he swallowed around the lump in his throat and continued, “I figured this is where it was leading to, them kicking me out? I thought they’d give me time to pack, though. Except my dad started getting physical-”

“HE WHAT?!” Remus was tempted to turn the fucking car around and drive to Virgil’s house, just to give his parents a piece of his mind. He was fuming; fuck, he hadn’t been this mad in a while.

“Relax, Rem. I got out before he could actually land a hit. That’s why I don’t have anything with me. I had to run.”

“Doesn’t make it any better.”

“I know.” Virgil pulled his feet up onto the seat cross legged, trying to rub some feeling back into them. Luckily, they weren’t bleeding, just cold as hell. That was one less thing to worry about. “Thanks for picking me up.”

“Of course, Vi,” Remus’ voice had taken on a softer edge that he rarely allowed anyone to see, and he reached over to take one of Virgil’s hands into his own, “Speaking of which, why were you on Jackson? That’s, what, three miles away from your house?”

“When I say I ran, I mean literally. I was scared they would follow me.” Virgil shrugged, as if the statement wasn’t the most heartbreaking thing Remus had ever heard. “I wasn’t thinking clearly, I just ran. That’s why it took me so long to realize I should call you.”

Remus sighed, letting his thumb run against Virgil’s knuckles. “You don’t have to act all brave, Vi.”

“I don’t think I ever saw you cry when you got kicked out.”

“That’s because I didn’t love my parents. I honestly didn’t. I know your parents mean a lot to you. And I’m sorry it went down like it did.”

It was the truth, but he honestly didn’t want to think about it right now. What kind of loving family kicks out their child? Virgil took a shaky breath in and mumbled, “Can we talk about it tomorrow?”

“Okay. Let’s talk about something else. What’s our plan?”

Virgil was quiet for a long moment, as if deep in thought. He watched the scenery fade from his suburban area of town to the darker, rural parts of the town’s edge, not knowing or caring where they were driving. The escape from street lights was nice. “Why do we need a plan?”

Remus’ eyebrows shot up at the sudden playful tone in Virgil’s words. “Oh?”

“I mean, is anything really holding us here?”

“My, my,” Remus crooned, pulling into an empty lot and parking in the furthest spot from the street, “I thought I was the impulsive one.”

“I’m serious, Rem!” Virgil laughed, swatting lightly at Remus’ hand. The happy sound was like music to his ears. “I’m dead serious! What’s keeping us here?”

“Patton? Logan?”

“Both across the country. And you know they’re considering staying there when they graduate.” Janus’ name was an understood thing. They both knew his school was barely an hour from the other two. Even if Virgil couldn’t stand the guy, he knew that Remus and Janus went far back. Judging by Remus’ slowly brightening expression, he could assume that Janus would probably be down to stay there as well.

“Work?”

“I work at Walmart. They won’t miss me. Try again.”

Remus scrunched his eyebrows almost thoughtfully, even though this was maybe the easiest decision he’d ever had to make. Plus, they both knew Remus didn’t really ‘think’ in general. “It almost sounds like you want to take a roadtrip, my little emo.”

Virgil scrunched his nose at the nickname, but let a wider smile spread across his tear stained cheeks. “I kind of do.”

Remus shut the car off, turning to his boyfriend with a shit eating grin. “I like this new side of you.”

“Well…” Virgil’s voice turned sheepish under the almost cheshire cat level expression, “Should we?”

“Let’s make up our minds tomorrow.” Remus stated, gesturing to the mattress behind him, “Sleep for tonight. You must be exhausted, coming up with ideas like this.”

Virgil grumbled under his breath, something about ‘not being a baby’, but clambered into the backseat after Remus, double checking the locks on the doors as he went. The air mattress was comfier than he thought it would be, and it was only made better when Remus pulled him in like a teddy bear, tugging a blanket over them. They both sighed in contentment, then promptly burst out laughing at the synchronicity.

“Oh my god, what have we become?” Remus gasped, pulling Virgil in closer nonetheless. Virgil snorted in response, looking up to meet Remus’ eyes through a haze of sudden exhaustion and amusement. The laughter died down slowly as they both gave in to their fatigue, finishing the day with a slow kiss that left them both breathless. Virgil fell asleep with plans forming and circulating through his mind, the rest of the evening almost forgotten.

--------------------------------------------

His parents were at work, and Virgil knew their kitchen window didn’t lock properly, which was what led to him stuffing everything he could into a black duffel bag while Remus kept watch from his car. He wasn’t too concerned about the parents coming home, but it gave him ample time to look over the map he’d bought from the gas station that morning and plan a route. He didn’t want to admit that his leg was shaking from pure excitement. This idea had been somewhere in the back of his mind for a long time, but he knew Virgil valued his relationship with his family and liked being near them, so he never brought it up. Granted, the situation wasn’t great, but he considered this ‘making the best of it’. A twisted paradise.

He barely flinched as his trunk was thrown open and Virgil threw his bag inside before hopping back into his seat.

“Okay, so how about we drive up to Maine, apparently the sea food is legendary! Then we cut back through Ohio. There’s literally nothing in Ohio, but we can cross it off the list at least! And then-”

Virgil laughed, cutting him off, “I thought we weren’t planning!”

“Well, we need at least a rough idea,” Remus said with a pout, “What we do there and how long we stay, that’s up to impulse. I was thinking we should try to get through all the states, wouldn’t that be cool?”

Virgil could only nod, leaning forward to kiss Remus again. “Sounds amazing,” he murmured, so close they were almost touching. They’d talked to Logan and Patton earlier that morning, and they were equally as excited for the two of them. Remus had called Janus while Virgil was packing, quickly explaining the situation (and also why Remus had disappeared in the middle of the night), and Janus supported it. Made sense, since he was almost as impulsive as Remus. Plus, he was going back to school in a couple days, so it didn’t make much of a difference. That said, they still didn’t have a time limit. Their friends were just starting second semester, meaning they could schedule themselves to arrive in California for summer break, or they could spend longer on the road. But schedules are for chumps.

As they rolled out of the quaint neighborhood Virgil had grown up in, Remus reached down and took his hand again. “Say goodbye to white picket fences.” And god, the joyful expression on Virgil’s face was enough to make him melt.

By the time they hit the freeway, they were both nearly shaking with anticipation. Virgil stuck his hands out the sunroof, the wind whipping through his hair, and let out a whoop that was almost contagious. This was the start of something amazing, they both felt it.

Cali, here we come.

#lywrites #sanderssidesfanfiction #sanderssides #dukexiety

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prorevenge · 5 years

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Lie about giving me a raise? Say goodbye to your income.

Sorry that its so long! Please have patience. There is a reason why I wrote it all out like this. I wanted my thought process to be understood through the story. I doubt anything like this will happen again in my life and I wanted to share it with all of you :)

(TL;DR at the bottom)

Background:

I work as a sub-contractor for an actually licensed contractor for a reality company. Basically, the realty company buys houses, and the contractor tells us to go to the new address, and my coworkers and I flip the house and get it ready to be rented out. When I first started a job, it was a difficult transition considering I was a plumber previously but, eventually I became a valuable asset to Contractor’s company thus the realty company as well. The contractor was infamous for being a bit of an ass when it came to actual business and money. He was constantly yelling and screaming at the plumber, the painters, etc. about prices and how it took them too long and he wasn’t paying that much. Which I would understand if the yelling was actually warranted. When it became tax season, he gave everyone else a 1099 and then said he “lost” mine and got pissed off every time I asked about it. (If someone knows what I can do about that please let me know.)

This guy makes easily 2 million a year (so he says) so I don’t really think $100 off the price matters that much. Not enough to get into a screaming match and ruin relationships with the other sub-contractors. I have been working for him for about a year now at 16/hr. Not too bad for my area but, I make him a lot more a day than the $160 I make every 10-hour work day.

One day I asked him for a raise, which he laughs and shuts me down immediately. After that, I decide to work harder, get houses done faster, and show him that I deserve a raise. A few months later, I decide to ask for a raise again but not as directly. “How could I be more useful to the company? So, I can increase my productivity, and both of us can make more money?” He said, “Get a van and a trailer and then we can talk about more money,” in his normal gruff tone that says, “shut up and get back to work”. After that day, I worked side jobs here and there. Worked a lot later that I usually would, and even all throughout the weekend. Saving up as much money as possible. I sometimes wouldn’t eat some days just to save that little bit of money.

He loved how much I was getting done and I could practically see the dollar signs in his eyes when I told him all that I got done every day. Finally, the day came where I saved up just enough money to buy my Dad’s old ford van. Then not long after, I bought a little piece of crap 5x10 trailer that I had to fix up. The following Monday I pull up with the bright white gas guzzler and the fixed-up trailer following behind. I walked up to him smiling ear to ear about my accomplishment, hoping he would be proud or at least happy about all that I have done. I tell him to look at my new toys and all he says is “cool,” and got in his truck and left. “Okay, maybe he’s just busy,” I thought as I processed his extremely underwhelming response.

At the end of the day, I finally have a moment with him to discuss my raise. “So! I have the van, and the trailer. I have saved up and done everything you said that I needed to do to make more money and be more of an asset to this company.” He narrows his eyes at me, “What are you talking about?” “You said that if I got a van and a trailer that you would pay me more,” I said confused. “I never said any of that shit. You have to actually work if you want anything else from me.”

I was devastated. I have been working my ass off while he sat on his ass and watched. I followed every instruction, completed in the very least two houses a week (which he makes about $5000~ per house or so he says) and he acts like I do nothing for the company. I swallowed my pride and let out a quick, “Yes sir,” and left his office.

I was finally tired of dealing with Contractor. Tired and defeated, I decided it was time to start looking for other jobs that actually had the possibility to move up. Then the company electrician gave me an idea. (I am going to call him Adam for privacy reasons) Adam is a good guy all around. If you needed advice or, just someone to talk to, he was always there for you. I told him about everything that has happened with Contractor and told him I was looking for other jobs.

He simply said,” You’re not supposed to be here to try and make it to the top. You’re here to learn. Learn everything you can and then one day, you’ll be the contractor. A better one than Contractor for sure. Why not look into getting your general contracting license? Its not hard, you just have to work for it. That’s what I did to an extent. I worked for Contractor for years dealing with his bullshit. Until one day I decided to get my electrician’s license. Now, he doesn’t decide what I’m paid. I do. That is, if he wants me to work for him. And if not, then I have other customers to make my living.”

I took his words to heart and came up with a plan.

Revenge:

I did some research on becoming a general contractor in my state (Requirements differ in other states).

Basically, I would need books to learn the material, references, a bank reference, and to pass the test.

The books were pretty expensive. With bills, taking care of my family and a monthly van payment, it seemed impossible for now. Until I found a group following in my area that needed a handyman to do a variety of things. Perfect. Extra money. Soon, my name started blowing up in my small town. I did everything from repairing fences, to installing toilets. I took everything I learned from plumbing and from working for Contractor and used it to build a reputation. References: check.

This is when I decided it was time to open my own business. Again, I did my research and learned all I had to do to open said business. I’ll spare you the details but, it was basically business license, how the get an LLC, Liability insurance, think of a name NOT already taken blah blah blah.

It took a while, but I sent in all that I had and prayed to whatever god is there for me to be invited to take the test. I waited and wait until about three weeks and FINALLY I got a letter inviting me to the next test... it was a three-hour drive and on a Tuesday. Great another speed bump. Have to miss work AND pay $300.

The day of the test came, and I panicked. It was open book but, I eventually ran out of time and didn’t get to finish. I was so disappointed in myself that I basically gave up. I just decided to keep working my job and a little side business. A week later I was holding my son. He is a beautiful blonde-haired blue-eyed reflection of myself. After I managed to get him to sleep, I stared at him and wondered if I would be able to give him a better life than I had. I remember growing up in shitty trailers, being hungry and made fun of at school because I wore clothes from Walmart. Not the best way to grow up but, I had a roof over my head. I always wanted video games that my friends had but never got it. I wanted to go to trampoline parks and water parks. I’ve only been once in my entire life.

That’s about when my resolve renews itself within me. I had to do this. Not only for me but, for him. I saved up all over again and came up with the $300 and requested for a re-take of the test. I took practice tests online, so I was ready. The day came and I BARELY manage to pass. BUT I still pass the test and receive my license! Now time for the fun part.

With all of the time passing, I became pretty close friends with the owner of the reality company. Going to BBQs, stopping to tell him some corny joke I saw on Facebook (he LOVED puns), and doing extra tasks not under Contractor. One day, I came into his office and saw some invoices from Contractor one his desk. I just said,” Wow, that’s how much you’re paying him? Dude, he should at least take it a little bit easy on you being that you have known each other for so long.” He just nodded and said,” You think so?” and he just looked at the papers more. Since then I would say little comments about how much Contractor was being paid and how many houses we could buy with that money. Just planting seeds in his mind that I slowly water until they turn into a beautiful garden of resentment.

Finally, Owner calls me and wants me to come to his house for a beer and to “talk business”. (We’ve done this a few times before. It’s usually about his wife or hit last time he played golf). I pull into his driveway, and he told me to meet him out back. After the usual how-are-yous he tells me that him and Contractor had a bit of an argument and they are “limiting” him from now on. Then, he turned to me, and said,” There is a meeting Friday. I want you there at 9 o’clock.” I hesitate. I wasn’t sure what it could have been. (You know how your parents would ask “Do you have something to tell me?” and as a kid you would go into a panic and think about all the bad shit you did at school? No? Just me? Okay.)

“Sure, I’ll be there.” I manage to say calmly through a scrambled mind. A few beers and stories about fishing trips, I headed home.

That was today. (4/30/19) I was so excited to write this, I started as soon as I got home. The meeting is on Friday. If you want me to, I’ll update after the meeting.

Sorry it was so long. I guess I was excited/scared of what is about to happen. The way I see it, it can go one of two ways.

I could be asked to take Contractors place and have Contractor work for me.

They fought about what I had said about prices, and they came to an agreement that they need to confront me and/or fire me.

I’ll let you know when I do. Thanks for reading!

Update: IT HAPPENED. OH MY FREAKING GOD.

So I went to the meeting this morning, and as I came in everyone shook my hand. Some i've seen before and said my "Hi how are you"s to, others I have never met in my life. THIS WAS AN INVESTOR MEETING. Some of these people are worth figures in the nine digits. I was internally freaking out after finding out, but if you've read, you'd know I know ho to keep my cool. After our greetings, we sat down and waited. It wasn't clear who we were waiting on until an hour later Contractor walks in with his usual stained T-shirt and cargo shorts, while I am in a nice dress shirt and tie. (Figured I would look nice for this.)

Everyone made a face and greeted Contractor while we got settled again. Contractor didn't seem to notice me until we all sat back down. I saw him do a double take and, give me a look that said, "What the fuck are you doing here?" I had requested off today so I could only imagine what he was thinking. After introducing the new investors to the old investors, Owner got started saying about how we were going to have an amazing 2019 and an amazing future for the company. (I suppose he was just hyping up the new guys so they would invest more.)

About two hours of production values and budget stuff blah blah, He turned to me and said, "I would just like to take the time to congratulate OP for passing the general contractor's exam and his newly acquired business!" I smiled, and thanked him, then he continued. "As we are growing, we have a demand for new and inspiring people within our company. After hearing about OP's success in both our company and his, I would like to personally ask him a question in front of the whole team." (My heart pounding in my throat as each word sounded slower than the last. I took a side glance at Contractor that is visibly sweating at this point.) "OP, how would you like to our new property manager? You may still have your business, and do your own work. But, we will pay you exclusively to be our personal contractor and help take care of all new and old properties." Everyone turns to me and I take a second to respond.

Just then Contractor stand up and says, "What the fuck? I'm your god damn contractor! I've been your contractor for over a decade! You can't just replace me for some dip shit that doesn't know what he is doing!" Owner smugly looks at Contractor and says," We're not replacing you. You will just answer to him now. All tasks, orders and billing will go through him now. If you would like to still work for us, granted you mind your mouth and tone, you will run anything you do by OP. Contractor looks enraged and he turns to me, "YOU"RE FIRED! You have no business here anymore now LEAVE."

Owner chuckles, and says," You don't have that power anymore. As long as OP agrees to my question." I turn to him and say," Are you sure you can afford me?" I laugh and shake his hand. "Yes. This is all I have ever wanted. All that I have worked for. Now we can get some real work done. (I have to admit something, I've been practicing that response since I was asked to come to this meeting lol.) Contractor stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him and I didn't see him for the rest of the day.

After he left we continued to discuss the goals for this year and its out they bought 60 new houses for me to work on with the investor's money and he just looked at me and said," Can you handle that?" I happily said, "Yes, sir." trying to keep my eyes from watering. All I thought about was my family and how proud they would be of me.

In a little under a year, I received a great license, my own business, and pretty much non-stop work. If there is anything you guys reading can take from this, I hope it will be this: Don't settle in life. Be hungry to better yourself, and be the best person you can be. The only person stopping you is yourself.

Again, I'm sorry that it is so long. When I wrote the first part I have had a few drinks, and when I got home I continued drinking lol. I could condense it but, I'm not going to due to the fact that it was a pure reaction of it all. The puzzle coming together if you will. Thanks for reading!

(TL;DR) Boss lied about giving me a raise, I stole his work right from under him by befriending the owner of the company that pays him 90% of his income.

(source) story by (/u/TheAwesomeAustin)

#prorevenge #by /u/TheAwesomeAustin #pro revenge #revenge stories #pro revenge stories #pro #revenge #last10

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itsdirk · 5 years

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WTL 2

"Yep, it's heatin' season. I doubt Karkat would have time to come for our throats, though- it's time for him to come off his suppressants, and he and Dave always sync up when they stop taking them. If we're lucky, his heat will take the edge off of his anger, and all we'll get is a solid earful about the magics of 'keeping ourselves fucking clean, you disgraceful shitstains for human beings, this is the reason why you got my mate and your dumb ass sick.'"

It is heating season huh? They always sync up? This isn’t how wolves work, going in heat is only a thing for females. The sexual cycle is just a period of healthy ovulation for female animals, basically saying when their ovaries are ready. It doesn’t apply to male wolves, that isn’t how they do it. I’m not an animal expert but I’m pretty sure the males are ready all year round. Also cycles don’t “sync up”. This isn’t like menstruation, it’s all the same for animals (dependent on species but yeah). I don’t even like how I know this, I just know this. There’s a lot of heat wave pulsing and Dirk feeling the need to mark Jake by nuzzling him, and I am in fear for my safety and my thought process. Like I’m forgetting that these characters are the same ones I read about in a webcomic that I fell in love with, they aren’t even OOC this is just so very surreal.

"What the fuck," you whisper, clutching at your chest. The anxiety is back again, sharp and painful- your meds only took the edge off of them, and even then, not by much. Your scent has risen, too, enough for you to smell it under the fruity chemical mask of your shampoo, and it's different, sweet and heavy with territorial pheromones. You feel Jake stiffen against you, hear a growl rising in his chest, and this too terrifies you- you've never heard Jake growl, not in anything that wasn't play.

"Your scent is different than usual- it's muskier," Jake murmurs, and the sound of his voice- deepened by the growl that ripped through it- makes you shiver for an entirely different reason. He doesn't move, doesn't try to pull away; you should probably shove him off, you should probably shoo him to work, you should probably finish eating and withdraw, this is something that only mates do, not friends, not roommates-

I know everyone’s like “Dirk is a sub/bottom” and I don’t care because I don’t really draw or create any kind of nsfw content so it doesn’t matter to me, but he is so submissive in this fic to the point of it being weird to accept that this is still Dirk Strider. Dirk never really had a super submissive personality, he was always stubborn and slightly argumentative at times, I wouldn’t call Dirk an ultimate alpha male or the most dominant guy in the world but he was never like this. It’s just their headcanons and their AU but it rubs me the wrong way. Maybe that’s because I just really like Dirk and I don’t like him being portrayed in this way, then I remember that I’m ranting about a wolf heat fic at almost 9 am while everyone’s asleep.

You certainly remember thinking you were luckier than Dave, whose first heat had announced itself very painfully during a shopping trip at Walmart. A young omega trying to crawl under a shelf while keening in pain and fear, reeking of fear pheromones and making every alpha in the vicinity go batshit with worry certainly wasn't the strangest thing to happen in Walmart, but it was also certainly not a thing that was very common.

Wait. Walmart? I’m so confused now, I thought this was something else, are they like furries or hairy humans or what? I’m so lost. I’m kinda skimming it because it’s so long and I just want to get to the weirder shit.

Also I almost posted this on @notdirk. God that would’ve been a huge mistake.

#fic liveblog #text post

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comeondowntosouthparkrpg-blog · 5 years

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This app sparkled with all the girls. Bebe has been accepted! Send in your blog ASAP.

out of character info

Name/Alias: Alice

Pronouns: She/Her

Age: 18

Join Our Discord: Yes

Timezone: Central

Activity: 6

Triggers: Up close pictures of rodents

Password: Yee Haw

Character that you’re applying for: Bebe Stevens

Favourite ships for your character: Micbe, Wenbe, JessiBe.

in character info

Full name: Barbara Mary-Ann Stevens

Birthday:

Sexuality, gender, pronouns: Bisexual, Female, She/Her

Age and grade: 18, Senior

Faceclaim: Molly O’Malia

Appearance:

Bebe is one of the prettiest girls someone could lay on. She was pretty in elementary school, as shown by her status as a popular girl and the fact that she developed earlier and her mother was beautiful, and she has blossomed into a gorgeous young adult. Further evidence to her beauty is by people like Cartman and Butters trying to exploit her into selling their stuff or becoming their bitch. Bebe has long curly hair, that she straightens most of the time due to wanting to style it ways she can’t whenever it’s at its full curly width. Bebe’s hair reaches to her waist, having cut it to make it more manageable. She has white skin, although frequently sports a sun tan in the summer and a spray tan in the winter. She has blue eyes with long lashes. Bebe tends to wear a lot of makeup, as she is really into it, and loves to try different approaches. She’ll never be caught without her full face. False lashes, lined lips, contour- she does everything before she even thinks of stepping out of her room. Bebe is 5’6.

Bebe has a rather large chest, and a full figure with curves. She actually has a pretty average body type, but knows how to select clothes to really accent her key features. Bebe wears clothes found at malls and department stores, although only a few designer things, she does live in South Park after all. She’ll typically be wearing whatever the trends for that week are though. She’s a fan of hoop earrings, chokers, and sunglasses though. Bebe has a particular fondness for shoes, and has amassed a great collection over the years so that she is rarely seen wearing the same shoe twice. Bebe can also be seen wearing an Apple Watch, having begged her parents to get it for her two years ago. Overall, Bebe is someone who makes the most out of her body and the limited makeup and fashion options South Park has for her.

Personality:

Bebe has a friendly and social personality. She doesn’t start off being unreasonably cruel towards someone, and tends to go out of her way if she sees someone she could potentially befriend, as seen with Douchebag, Nichole and Heidi, seeing the potential in them and quickly talking to them warmly. Bebe isn’t looking to make enemies right off the bat, and would much rather be popular by being liked and idolized than hated and feared. Bebe is truly a social butterfly, she hangs out with her friends on the regular, and is never seen alone or isolated aside from the boob incident early on the series. She tends to always have a flock of girlfriends around her. Bebe is fairly bubbly and creative, and shows aptitude for art and design, coming up with outfits and makeup looks for the other girls as well as Douchebag in the games. She’s never one to shy from showing her creative talents regarding makeup or fashion. Bebe’s bubbliness can most definitely be seen throughout the series, as she’s never really lethargic or going through the motions. Bebe is also highly ambitious, and likes to be viewed by her merits and achievements rather than her looks, as seen in Bebe’s Boobs Destroy Society. She also socially climbs the ladder, wanting to be on top cheerleading and social wise. She’s not afraid to chase after what she wants, and will refuses to back down from getting it. Through any means necessary . Bebe is a feminist, and she can frequently be seen as a strong supporter in girls and against misogyny and girl power. She makes her alignments known in the Weiners Out protest, along with finding boys dumb and immature as stated on multiple occasions, but most notably in Proper Condom Use. Bebe is also a very strong personality and person, not wanting to back down from a challenge or be a soft shrinking violet. In her mind, to just be a pretty woman with no real substance or staying in the background isn’t enough for her. Bebe tends to get excited easily, and is generally a pretty positive person. She’s the one telling Wendy to go with the flow and that everything will work out fine if she just chills, as seen whenever Bebe encourages Wendy to relax in the Kim Kardashian incident. Bebe’s positivity comes out again whenever she wanted to see the best in Cartman, although that died out pretty quickly. Bebe’s easily excited nature can translate to her enthusiasm over trends and celebrities, as seen with the Stupid Spoiled Whore things where she is the one who drags everyone to see Paris Hilton, and screams whenever she sees a band or a celebrity she likes, such as Brad Pitt in the Finger Bang episode. Bebe is an established partier, as seen whenever she hosts her own party in Stupid Spoiled Whores and most sleepovers are at her house. She’s also very good at planning, and can organize events such as get together and complex Machiavellian schemes. Bebe (most of the time) is fairly helpful and supportive, being the one to help Wendy in nearly all of her emotional turmoil involving Stan and the like.

However, Bebe isn’t just all the good things listed above, she has some pretty nasty qualities about her as well. Bebe is extremely cunning and manipulative. She has no qualms about playing someone like a fiddle to get what she wants, or manipulating circumstances and multiple people around her to achieve her end goals. While resourceful, she is also extremely ruthless, using any means needed to get the job done. She will manipulate and falsify evidence to hold her desires. She outright threatens Wendy with a gun over shoes, kills Kenny whenever he tries to get closer to the girls fort, and crafted an entire scheme in order to get some free shoes, which involved nearly causing Kyle to go crazy and Clyde getting his heart broken. Bebe did not care about any of that, all she cared about was achieving the end goal. Bebe can also be unscrupulous at times, and she’s pretty hardcore. Bebe also has a very short temper and even some violent tendencies. She gets annoyed quickly, and won’t hesitate to start fighting whenever shit hits the fan. She will tear down anyone verbally or physically who gets in her way or fucks with her friends. Bebe also is tactless, leading her to say things offhandedly that are actually kind of cruel without knowing it. A gossip, she loves hearing everyone’s dirty laundry and personal business. Bebe is also stubborn and bossy, she likes to be in charge of things she’s good at, and usually dictates what’s cool and uncool, despite being a follower herself. She’s a backseat driver basically. One thing that I like to add that many people don’t is that Bebe is insecure about her looks. She photoshops her picture in the Kim Kardashian episode to hide her flaws, and asks her mom in Bebe’s Boobs Destroy Society if she is pretty or ugly. She also seems to thrive off compliments. Bebe also has a habit of being upset and hurt whenever someone insults her looks in particular, showing insecurity within herself. Further proof of Bebe’s insecurity shows in Stupid Spoiled Whores, whenever Bebe alters herself in order to be valid and keep up with the times, fearing she’ll be left behind and lame. This to me all screams insecurity on her part.

History:

Bebe was born as Barbara Stevens to Jackie and Greg Stevens. She was everything they could want in a baby, happy and healthy, and she slowly began to take after her mother in looks, which thrilled her mother. Early in her life, before she hit third grade, Bebe was a pageant queen, and her mother treated her like a dress up doll. She consistently got tiaras and trophies, although the pageants messed her up in a sort of way. Bebe’s family used to be quite wealthy, but her mother squandered it on pageant fees and dresses, and left them in some debt. This is why Bebe is stated to get her clothes from Walmart, and why she is seen with a sewing machine and mannequin in her room, as evidence she has started to make her own clothes.

Eventually by the time Bebe hit fourth grade, they became as middle class as everyone else. Bebe learned from her mother that looks were everything, and that people would like her because she was pretty, not because of personality. Bebe first became friends with Wendy, and they quickly became best friends. She started gaining popularity in fourth grade, quickly climbing the social ladder with her budding charisma and looks. All throughout elementary school, she survived all the craziness due to her friends by her side… and her talent with wielding weaponry and guns.

In middle school, Bebe remained just as popular. Like a flower, she was blooming and growing more beautiful with each passing year. Her mother wanted to put her in more beauty pageants, although they didn’t really have the money to. Her father didn’t approve of this, and didn’t want Bebe to become spoiled and to be a proper lady. Bebe’s household was filled with conflicting view points, as her father wanted her to be smart and exceed in etiquette, and her mother wanted her to cultivate her looks. Bebe began deciding that she didn’t want to follow either path, but wanted parts of both. So, she began to think of plans to satisfy both of her parents.

She started learning makeup and hair, and would regularly practice on the elementary school kids to gain experience. This thrilled her mother, who saw her blonde cheerleader daughter who was at the top of the pack socially. However, she also had a love of fashion and shoes, and began getting really into designing her own clothing and customizing unique yet cute outfits from the mall or stories. Bebe slowly began realizing what she wanted to do, and she actually began to feel thankful towards her family for instilling different sets of values in her. Bebe learned that you had to work for what you wanted and not be a spoilt brat, but also to embrace what she loved doing, no matter if people take it seriously or not.

In high school, as soon as she was able to, she got a job waitressing at a local cafe. Always a planner and ambitious, Bebe wanted to get extra money for college. And for shoes, clothing, accessories. Mostly for shoes and clothing. Yeah most of her cash went straight into the mall or amazon. Bebe kept on with cheerleading, becoming quite flexible and good with being loud. Although she excelled in the latter quite naturally. Bebe soon cultivated a reputation as being a party girl, so to compensate Bebe began throwing parties in order to keep up this reputation, and she also really loved parties so that was a plus. A chance encounter landed her the job of becoming the Mayors personal assistant. Mayor McDaniels stopped by her cafe and Bebe waited on them. They were discussing a charity event, and her two guards were doing it wrong, so Bebe being Bebe stepped in and corrected them, leaving McDaniels stunned. She invited Bebe in for an interview and landed the role of her personal assistant because she was easy on the eyes and good at getting shit done. Bebe continued to be delightfully materialistic, popular, and a typical teen girl up until senior year, where she continues to be such. Bebe also at the start of senior year began doing makeup tutorials on YouTube, just for fun. And also to help the freshman who didn’t know how to apply bronzer learn how to do it correctly so Bebe can stop getting hot flashes looking at them.

Sample paragraph:

While many saw a store as four walls with overly helpful assistants and a lot of clothes, the blonde saw it as an opportunity. A playground. A super awesome time. She could see lots of outfits just waiting to be designed to her liking, and tons of shoes that would look so cute on her, but the young woman had a mission she had to stay laser focused on. That was helping the red haired sweater wearing socially awkward Uber smart kid who Flora insisted on making a project. Bebe personally got nothing out of this, but she did love a challenge, and she also loved helping those who couldn’t see the beauty in clothing help them. By the time Bebe was done, Kyle would be looking super hot. Flipping her blonde hair, Bebe began scanning the racks with her pale blue eyes. “Ew. Ew. Why do they even have this? Gross. Ugly. Ugh this looks like my cat’s vomit. Oh my god why.” Bebe moaned, keeping up the chatter. “Honestly it’s so hard to find good outfits nowadays, so many people wanna just go off the wall fashion wise and it’s like, hello, trends are trends for a reason! Although I do love shopping for boys, I rarely get the opportunity to. There aren’t as many options, I’m afraid, but I know way more than the sales associate-“ Bebe stopped, her eyes landing on the perfect garment. Squealing, Bebe grabbed it before going over to another rack.

She instantly saw the pants she thought would look great on Kyle’s cute butt, but she saw someone else taking them first. Bebe saw red, refusing to give up her dream outfit. Marching over, Bebe gave a once over. “Those pants are so not right for that sweater your holding. And honey, if it were me, I would toss that thing out anyways.” The lady looked unsure, so Bebe knew she would have to ramp it up. Turning on a smile, Bebe tried more subtle means of manipulation. “Is this for a date?” Looking at the shade of red on the others face, Bebe nodded knowingly. “Thought so. Now girl, you need something that will really wow him. Those pants and that shirt are all wrong. He’s probably seeing much prettier girls on social media, liking their pictures right now.” Bebe said, her tone growing more pitying. Now she could see the insecurity, time to move into the kill. “Girlfriend I know you can do better! Make those bitches pay, drop those rags and get yourself some Chanel.” Bebe said, her best hype voice. The girl looked hopeful, hanging the clothes back on the rack and dashing away. Bebe sighed, and took out her phone. Truth is, she recognized the girl from a profile picture she saw on a guy she was snapchattings comment. She wasn’t his type, a little too much braces and frizz and not enough sleek and shine. Oh well! Not to mention all of his previous girlfriends had been red heads. Bebe took the pants, feeling triumphant, and returned. “I’ve got the perfect outfit! Some bitch with transitional lenses got men’s pants that were totally worse than the bell bottoms she was wearing earlier.” Bebe said, her tone bubbly.

Headcanons:

-Has a beauty YouTube channel that she frequently updates.

-She wants to go into a career involving fashion, she can’t choose between a personal stylist or a designer. She used to want to be a marine biologist, but realized she wasn’t too much interested in spending time in a lab.

-Bebe can’t sing

-Bebe still presides over a “””list””” committee, but it’s mainly one of those anonymous social apps

-Bebe used to be in South Park Band up until middle school. Now she denies it vehemently.

-Is into trashy reality tv shows

-Works as a personal assistant to Mayor McDaniels

-Bebe is a cheerleader

-Good friends with Clyde, and in general prefers Craig and those Guys over Stan’s Gang

Anything else: (Something you’d like to add about yourself or questions you have for the admins, list them here)

#accepted #submission #bebe stevens

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genderfluidgothwitch · 7 years

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I challenge you to do the whole fruit ask list B)

Oh geez lol. I had to pull out my laptop for this one. Let’s do this thing!

peach: do you have any piercings or tattoos?

I have two piercings in each ear, just like the normal ones in the earlobe. I want to get tattoos, but they cost lots of money that I don’t have.

raspberry: favorite flower?

I have a strange fondness for tiger lilies. I think it’s because they grow wild near my house and it’s one of the few naturally orange flowers in the north east. Orange was my favorite color when I was younger.

lemon: do you have any pets? what are their names?

Oh boy oh boy oh boy I have a pit bull/ German shepherd mix rescue dog names Tsula (pronounced soo-lah), and three shorthair cats, Maya (who is exclusively mine, she’s all black, down to her nose and toe beans), Sweet Pea (Maya’s mother, calico, and a fat asshole), and Battle Cat (the skinniest little pain in the butt who loves head skritches and everyone who had ever met him)

mango: what is your trademark?

My trademark? As in what do I wear or do all of the time? Well, I’m a sarcastic little asshole, jot that down. I’m also unapologetically me. I hold my morals, I keep to myself, and I love who I love without fear.

passion fruit: how would you describe your style?

Soft Grunge Emo with a side of Whatever the Fuck is Comfortable.

pineapple: sexual orientation?

Pansexual. Or as I call it, “Everybody’s hot can I fuck you all?”

strawberry: favorite desserts?

Reese’s peanut butter cups or chocolate ice cream with crushed oreos (like half a package of crushed oreos) on top. Also my friend Glenn’s cookies and my friend Nick’s strawberry shortcake. Nothing compares.

cherry: can you play any musical instruments or can you sing?

Hell yeah! I play guitar (not that I’ve had much time to play lately, sadly) and I sing a whole bunch. I’ll sing to myself mostly, but I also sing to my friend’s siblings and to the kids I babysit. I kind of have a thing where I “give” the kids a song that I sing for them. This two year old I babysit claimed “How Long” by the Eagles when I sang it quietly so she would nap. It was pretty cute, considering the kids only listen to classical music when their mother is around.

grape: if you could take a vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go?

I want to visit my friend in all the corners of the world. I also want to go to Great Britain again, or camping somewhere where I could go stargazing, preferably when there’s also a meteor shower happening.

banana: favorite horror movies?

Well, I’m not sure if this really counts, but I love Repo! The Genetic Opera and The Devil’s Carnival. I need to rewatch both. I also like Oculus. Trouble is, I haven’t watched a lot of horror movies. I love them, but I don’t like watching them alone. I also tend to point out scientific inaccuracies so people don’t want to watch them with me. It’s quite the conundrum. Also, I will NEVER see IT. Clowns creep me out. I do really enjoy American Horror Story though (I know it’s TV but still).

blackberry: is your life an action film, a comedy, a romantic comedy, or drama?

My live is a shitty B movie that no one watches, are you kidding me?

pomegranate: when do you feel the most confident?

Ha ha ha ha what the fuck is confidence? I guess it would be when my professors make note of how good my writing is. I had this one amazing guy for creative writing last semester, so I took his studies in young adult fiction class this semester. I got an A+ on my midterm because of a really well written essay (don’t know how that happened), as well as an A on a paper I almost completely bullshitted the night before it was due. He actually read a portion out loud to the class because I worded something about maturity very well (heh, I based it on my real life experiences). He’s always complimenting me, and keeps asking how my book is going (terribly, lol). So I guess I feel most confident when people compliment my work, not me.

cantaloupe: what are your parents' names?

I feel like this is really awkward personal information and they wouldn’t want me sharing it on the interwebs... They both start with D, though.

guava: dark & dramatic makeup or natural makeup?

Hella dark and dramatic. Remember that whole “Soft Grunge Emo” thing? Yeah. I lay that eyeliner on fierce.

tangelo: if you could be any mythical creature, which would you be?

A merman or a centaur. I dig the freedom, and the idea of being a mermaid has always been appealing to me. But could I be a wizard? Is that a mythical creature, even if it’s also human?

plum: favorite clothing brands?

I... I buy my clothes from walmart or I get a shit ton of hand me downs... Or I go to goodwill... Like I don’t have a clue what brands I like. “Comfy”. There we go.

coconut: favorite perfume?

I don’t wear perfume so I will replace this with my favorite candle scents: woodsy or beach-y. I also like stuff that smells like that fresh rain scent.

lychee: satin or lace?

Both. Although I do lean more towards lace.

blueberry: what do you want to dress up as for halloween?

I’m probably gonna wear my Deadpool onesie not gonna lie. I also have a Rapunzel dress I made in high school, as well as a red velvet cape. So I don’t know. I’m not big on dressing up.

apple: what do you use more, tumblr or twitter?

Tumblr. I can’t escape the hellsite. I had a twitter for like... three months and I only tweeted like a dozen times. One of my friends from high school manages to find my account and I’m very concerned because I made sure not to talk to most of my graduating class. But anyways I stopped using it ages ago. I really only followed comedians on it.

kiwi: what's something that fascinates you?

People. I hate them, at least, most of them, but they fascinate me. However I refuse to become an anthropologist. I am hoping to be a medical type person, ideally a doctor. I’m basically Dr. House.

watermelon: do you have a job? if so, what is your job title?

I’m a freaking cashier at a grocery store chain in the north east. That’s my job title.

papaya: what song describes your aesthetic?

I’m not really sure. My aesthetic is so jumbled, and I listen mostly to classic rock music, so the two don’t really coincide much.

cranberry: favorite time of the day; morning, afternoon, dusk, or night?

Night, by far. It’s peaceful then.

nectarine: would you consider yourself an emotional person?

Yes and no. I feel very strongly when I do feel. Trouble is, most of the time, I don’t feel.

orange: do you have long eyelashes?

Nope.

apricot: what do you do when you're sad?

Cry. Listen to music. Talk to my best friend. I think he wishes I would talk to other people sometimes lol. But mostly I keep to myself.

star fruit: favorite sea creature?

Octopi. I love their intelligent natures.

dragonfruit: do you drink alcohol?

Yep. I go for IPAs and vodka. Probably vodka more than beer now, but I’ll take what I can get.

Thank’s for this! It was really fun to answer.

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jacquelineirenegabriella · 6 years

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Well... It's Been Awhile.

Oh Tumblr. Still here. It has been quite some time since I made a post here. Probably haven't posted up on here since sometime back in high school. Guess what? I am 20 fucking 3! So probly been about summer between like 4 to 7 years or some shit. I don't know the exact amount I am not really big on math and do not feel like doing that right now so therefore I am not going to. Anyway, I decided to go back and kind of try to start posting to my blog cuz I realize that I actually have a lot that I would like to say. And here, seems like a pretty good place to do it! But first, let me fill you in. I am currently in an all around amazing relationship. My new partner in crime is thirty fucking four. So yeah about 10 and a half or 11 years older. There you go. I did the math for you on that one. You're welcome. Anyway, some may call it a bit of a large gap, but I call it fucking awesome. Our maturity levels seem to somehow meet, almost perfectly, in the middle. Dude pays his bills but I'm pretty sure he likes Batman and Legos a little too much. But that's okay. Because I don't pay my bills and I like cussing a little too much. Anyway, enough about that guy.. Calm down everyone. I only plan on going about as far as marriage and maybe a kid or two, or maybe 3 if things work out different than we planned, and plus spending the whole rest of my life with him. Because I now know how it feels to have met someone so effing crazy yet so effing sensible and saying at the same time. And also, so damn close to perfect.. About as close as any of us humans can get, it seems. I honestly hope that you all eventually find your sensible crazy mix at some point in life too. And if you don't, then that's okay. At least I still have mine. Jk guys, go out there and find your other half. Sometimes maybe just try to look up and down and to the left and to the right (take it back now y'all😉😁) and then somewhere that you maybe didn't even consider existed before... like a magical land of awesome, with purple rivers and multicolored sunsets as well as multicolored sunrises, where they develop beautiful, genuine men with not only the sweet and gentle voice of a freakin angel, but like.. the whole package of awesome. Seriously, and I mean the WHOLE package. 😉😍 Makes sense right? He's also pretty. Js. Just another random fact about my new found gift. (Im always thankful and play with it almost everyday, of course). On to new topic. I have stuff to say and I'm going to say it. Opinions are welcome, of course, however don't respect me to definitely give flying fuck. Because ya pro. Would have about a 50/50 shot. But you know, feel free to express yourself anyway though, even though your opinion will probably be the wrong opinion most likely. Unless its the same opinion as mine. Haha. Just saying. And oh well man, that's life sometimes. So feel free to build a bridge and get over it, sir. Also thank you for reading and welcome back to my shit. Hope you enjoy. And with all that, here are a few random facts to close this post, exclusively made the up for all of you... to clarify, only some are made up. Some are real. And if you want, you can even try to guess which ones are real which or false. Kind of like a game like playing fucking Monopoly. Anyway yeah so...

1. I adore my 34 year old male creature thing person friend boyfriend.

2. I'm super protective over those I love and the most protective over creature thing. Like seriously though, I am not joking. Keep your hands to yourself cuz I will not hesitate to rip then off, along with your face. Please and thank you. 😁

3. In reference to number 2... That ass is mine. Stay away from that ass.

4. Hugh Hefner was not a criminal and did nothing wrong besides probably being a pervy old dude, just,with way more money than most of the other creepy old dudes. Also, who the hell calls themself bunnies. That's stupid. And your stupid. Stop trying to be cute, cuz your not. Your gross. And your a whore. Just like the other 22 million other basic bitches that look just like you. Please stop being repulsive.

5. The Kardashians are also annoying to though, tbh. Like, what is it exactly that they are famous for? Besides maybe Kim's big fat ass. Oh, and btw, nice job on that pornos with Ray J, Kimmy, that was some quality shit. Haha. NOT. My eyes will not be exposed to that level of purr crust. You're gross, and your voice is annoying. But not just you though, also your sisters. Even the little younger Bruce spawns or whatever they are supposed to be. My creature beautiful person doesn't like them either and neither do I. Because they're annoying and like 12 and they shouldn't be on TV. And stop doing what you're doing. I don't judge people, by the way. Not usually, anyway. Not without like, good reason. But hey, I'm only human just like you. Unless you're a robot, then your robot. I am dedicating this particular post, to my once again, very loved yet very old boyfriend. He's probably one of the smartest guys I know. Definitely also, knows how to identify and actively avoid the basic bitches. And has a pretty legit hatred for those Kardashians so yeah that was what this post was about. All for you, sir. (Those damn Kardashians!) Haha.

6. I am however, not one of those 98%. And damn proud. Also, one of my most adored friends, Shannon, is also not in that 2%. I pulled us both out of the shame puddle because we don't belong there. Don't drown, other bitches. Obviously, creature wouldn't be in the shame puddle either but I kind of figure there's a separate one for guys and separate one for girls. I don't make the rules about these things.

7. Is this boxer that is currently sitting next to me in the couch appears to have a ear infection of some sort and wants to sit right up next to me and keeps shaking his head and I'm a little nervous that liquid will come out because that's gross.

8. In all honesty though, we do take care of our dogs just to let everyone know. They are all very spoiled. Especially the one with the stupidest face. Just because you know. Nothing beats bitch Mountain face.

9. I have been living off work for over a year now with new guy that I may have mentioned once or twice above. And things are chill. Good actually. Great. I don't like to be cheesy sometimes. Makes me feel kind of shocked... Plus that one guy saying like right over there and can hear me talk to texting this whole thing right now. But I don't know if he hears things outside of his video game but there's also that chance.

10. He does.

11. Gucci is stupid and overpriced for no reason at all. And to clarify, it's the over pricing that makes it stupid for the most part. I am cool with my Kohl's or Walmart purses. They work and they don't cost me a month or II salary for a piece of fucking thick Fabric or whatever the hell they use to make purses nowadays I don't know but I know it's not damn gold so fuck that.

12. Haha. Thick fabric. Not sure why that's amusing but it is.

13. My boyfriend's name is Gary.

14. Gary said, in regards to number 15. That is amusing because it sounds like dick fabric. I neither agree nor disagree on this. But it kind of does sound like that. But like I mean kinda. With a kinda.

16. I am actually a pretty nice, laid-back person, believe it or not. I just enjoy my cuss words sometimes and stuff and you know Tumblr is going to be my new place to stay whatever basically, whenever. Yep. Opinions. Opinions. Opinions. Because everyone has them. Usually located next to your plumbus.

17. Oh and BTW... I really like music and photography and drawing and video editing and stuff. I also plan on eventually, earning my degree in psyche starting a career in clinical counseling.

18. Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend smokes too much weed. But that's okay.

19. I am so ready to finish and submit this post. But this is 19 so I wanted to bring it to an even 20 by adding one more number. Which may, very possibly, maybe, be the most important or meaningful piece of this whole post. Lr tbe very least. Time will tell. Stay tuned. Or don't. That's fine. Seriously, I wouldn't blame you if you left.

20. I love, writing, relaxing, sometimes napping, being productive when possible, the three annoying dogs, and my beautiful chiseled Angel person.

21. Ha. I lied there's 21 not 20.

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Why Old People Think Millennials Are Killing The World

I can’t take another article about millennials. Which is ironic, since the title of this article will likely have the word “millennials” in it. Since it’s sort of about … you know, millennials. I say “sort of” because I don’t think the tidal wave of “MILLENNIALS ARE KILLING ____” pieces are really about them. Not at their core.

When you really break them down, these articles are about my generation. And my parents’ generation. And every generation that has ever existed since the dawn of humans. Yes, they’re phrased as “Millennials are killing X industry, and that’s bad,” but what they’re really saying is, “The times, they are a-changin’, and that scares the shit out of me.” I don’t agree with those articles, because I think they’re impressively idiotic. But I think the key to battling moronicism is understanding what makes a moron moronic. I haven’t decided whether my own insight is fortunate or unfortunate, but …

This Generation Is Changing The World In A Way That I’m Not Prepared For, And Therefore It Must Be Stopped

Let’s say you live in some tribal culture a few thousand years before the first guy with a Christ complex comes along. Your basic priorities in life are to eat, fuck, sleep, repeat. But because Walmart hasn’t invented guns and smoker grills yet, most of your time is wrapped up in that whole “prevent death by shoving food in your suck-hole” hobby. During your midlife crisis at age 12, you realize, “Holy crap, I’m actually pretty good at this cooking thing. Life would be so much simpler if people just brought me dead things, and I made the meals for everyone.” It makes sense, right? That gives everyone else a couple more hours per day to sleep and/or fuck. In exchange, maybe they throw you an extra rat or something for your trouble. Boom, the first McDonald’s is born.

Within weeks, very few people in your tribe are making their own meals. Why would they? You have that shit covered. This upsets the 25-year-old elders, who spread warnings of impending disaster. “Ogg Brrrpth has destroyed the vital skill of cooking! What if he dies tomorrow? Who will then make our food?” This is a legitimate problem, but not an unsolvable one. You suggest training a couple of apprentices who can step in and take over when you inevitably get eaten by dragons. But the elders are still terrified. “It’s impossible! You have doomed us all,” they shout through mouthfuls of food that you prepared.

Flash-forward several thousand years, substitute “food” with “economy,” and you get a pretty good idea of how this cycle continues today. For instance, this article from Business Insider talks about how millennials are killing casual restaurants. It’s not preaching doom, but the argument it produces among readers is “What does this do to our economy?” I mean, TGI Fridays alone pulled in $1.57 billion in 2015. In 2013, they employed over 70,000 people. That’s a pretty big chunk of change. Take that away, and we’re losing a massive amount of income, spending, and taxes. But “Millennials are killing casual restaurants” does not mean “Millennials have stopped eating food.” They’re just doing it elsewhere. And spending a metric fuckload of money in the process.

My generation doesn’t see the growth because we’re distracted by watching the current crop of humans destroying the conveniences we built. We don’t see that it’s often in favor of another, way more convenient and profitable system. My parents thought computers were making kids dumber because for some reason words on physical paper … magically made people smart? My grandparents bemoaned fast food because it was destroying home cooking and family meals. Their parents were worried that cars made people lazy. And back in those tribal days, I guarantee there were a bunch of traditionalists complaining that “Kids these days have it way too easy. You can’t truly appreciate a meal unless you’ve felt the warm blood of a fresh kill on your hands.”

My generation created a ton of conveniences with the technology that was available, and we did it by deconstructing and remodeling the ones my parents created. We then got used to those conveniences and couldn’t imagine life without them. And now that we see them being deconstructed by our own kids, we have to adapt to the new stuff. And that’s as scary as a John Holmes anal scene.

And that means …

The Problems Millennials Are Dealing With For The First Time Are Problems We’re Dealing With For The First Time

This is going to sound like a really stupid statement, because it kind of is: Modern problems are modern. But it’s important in understanding why every headline about the current generation sounds like old people screaming “We’re all gonna fuckin’ die!” I’m going to give you a minor example of how this works.

In the late 1980s, my dad somehow found a way to splurge and buy us a Nintendo. I’m assuming he harvested and sold the kidneys of a drifter, because we could barely afford clothes at the time. We lost our shit when we opened that box on Christmas morning, and we couldn’t wait to hook it up and start smashing bricks and stomping turtles … and also play Super Mario Bros. We rushed back to the crappy black-and-white TV in our bedroom, and … spent the next hour trying to figure out why it wasn’t working.

See, the original Nintendo had an RF switch, which looked like this:

Via Museumofplay.org

It’s pretty simple by today’s standards, but remember, home entertainment was just becoming a thing back then. Very few people were versed in hooking up electronics. You had to figure out how to run the cable through the switch, then run the switch through the VCR, which then went into the back of the TV. The TV had to be on a specific channel in order to display what was on the VCR. And the VCR itself had to be on a specific channel in order to display what was on the Nintendo. Get one step wrong, and you’re playing a game of Jack Vs. Shit with your friend Chad Nobody.

This is more important than you might realize. See, if my bicycle broke, Dad could fix it (and teach me how), because he grew up with a bike too. He knew how they work from experience. The design has been the same since 1885, so my bicycle problem had at one point been his bicycle problem.

But this Nintendo thing was brand-new to both of us. He knew as much about fixing that problem as I did, so after an hour, his frustration boiled over into “I have no idea: Learn how to fix it yourself. Why can’t you just go outside and poke roadkill with a stick like we used to do?” In his mind, my generation created this new thing which killed off his familiar means of entertainment. Then when a problem flopped its big ol’ dick across our chins, his reaction was to slap it away and blame me for letting it. “You wanted this, so you deal with the cock-chin.”

Now imagine the same scenario, but you’re the parent, and your teenager’s phone bricks. What the hell do you do? Both you and your kid have come to depend on cellphones, and now you’re both in the same boat — you have a $900 paperweight, and neither of you knows what to do about it. When you’re in that position, it’s extremely easy to resent the modern convenience. “If we still had a land line, this wouldn’t be an issue. But now I have to go back to the cellphone store and fuck around with that for three hours. If the warranty is expired, I’ll have to buy a new one. This is BULLSHIT!”

But at its core, you’re just outright embarrassed. You feel insignificant, and it’s all that goddamn phone’s fault. And when that kid learns to fix it on their own? That means they’re now smarter than you. They don’t need your help anymore. You either learn what they just learned, or you become obsolete.

Understand that even though we often overlook that aspect, we’re not totally unaware of it. The frustration overshadows logic when we’re in the moment, but I think a lot of us do recognize that we’re perpetuating an eons-old cycle. So if we’re self-aware, why do we keep buying into those dumbass blind panic articles? Well …

There’s A Kernel Of Truth In Most Of Those Articles

My middle son is very much like me, in that he prefers most of his communication to happen with a thick wall of internet between himself and his target. I’m not great at meatspace conversations, and I goddamn loathe talking on a phone (which is ironic, since several hours of my day are spent on editorial calls … I’m a very important person). With text, I can take the time to craft what I want to say. If I type something stupid, I can just delete it and start over. Start an actual verbal sentence with “You know the thing that nobody understands about reverse racism,” and that shit is now in the ear holes of your peers, no takebacks.

There is, however, a huge difference between me choosing that form of communication and my teenage son doing it: He’s never been forced to learn the harder skill in the first place.

What I’m about to say is going to make me sound like an old man screaming “GIT OFF-A MAH LAWN,” but bear with me. There’s a reason I’m bringing it up. When I was a kid, we had video games, but even multiplayer required your friends to be in the same room with you. Having food delivered still required you, at a bare minimum, to speak to another human on the phone. A ton of our entertainment required face-to-face interaction … even with people you hated. There’s a Chad in every group, and learning to deal with that douchebag is extremely important.

Have you ever had to deal with a really rude customer service worker? What tone and expression do you use when you get pulled over by a cop? Ever had to make a believable ass-saving excuse on the fly? How can you tell when someone is masking that they’re offended? Can you tell by reading their body language and tone of voice? All of that shit comes from practice, and you only get it by spending a nutload of time around people in the physical world. I didn’t do that by choice. I was forced to do it. The big difference I was referring to is that my son is not. And I’m not going to force him to do it, but I realize there are consequences for that.

I had to teach him that using a certain tone when making a joke — especially dark ones — could be misconstrued. That people could take him seriously if he didn’t know the very subtle cues that let them in on it. That sarcasm in text is a totally different structure than sarcasm coming out of your word hole.

So what does all of that have to do with these kinds of articles? Well, as much as I hate to admit it, a lot of them actually do have a sliver of insight. Just a slight hint of truth. Yes, millennials are a contributing factor to Applebee’s declining sales. Yes, millennials do have more trouble talking on the phone than older generations. And yes, they do in fact start “real world” life later than their parents.

When you mix those kernels of truth with a bunch of dumb outrage bait, like this horseshit article, it gets easier and easier to buy into the fucknuttery. It’s a powerful form of dishonesty that starts as an astute observation and ends as your grandmother saying, “See, I knew those video games were the devil!”

Don’t let it get to you. My grandparents’ generation said the same thing about my parents. My parents’ generation said the same thing about mine (we were called “slackers” — I now own my own house). And now my generation is keeping that shit-ball rolling right onto yours. They want to blame you for Toys R Us going bankrupt? Fine. I’ll reap the rewards of your generation allowing me to buy toys without ever leaving my chair.

That is, until millennials kill the concept of chairs.

John Cheese is a senior editor and the head of columns for Cracked. You can find him on Twitter.

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