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possibilistfanfiction · 8 months

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nightmare for the one word prompts

[a little sad but mostly very silly, butch bea universe]

'i really don't have to go today,' beatrice says, kissing your forehead before settling down next to you on the couch. you know she means it: beatrice means everything she says, first of all, and you have grown — despite your brain's best efforts to steer you otherwise — to trust her when she offers care. you take her in: her fresh haircut that she gets done every month now, usually neatly parted on the top, messy from sleep; her tender wrists; the soft skin of her thighs; the soft sweater you bought her last christmas, sleeves pulled down over her hands, which are always cold.

you sigh. you had had nightmares — more than one, which is rare this many years later, after the worst of it — and woken up with scars that you don't think about too often, or at least with too much pain or sorrow anymore, aching all over your body. your legs had been pins and needles — worse, you've discovered, than feeling nothing some days — and your spine had ached, the halo feeling your sorrow, sharing in it. beatrice had skipped her typical surf session this morning, partially because she'd woken up with you both times last night, and partially because she's worried. she doesn't try to hide it anymore, her concern written all over her gentle face, in her sweet eyes, her soft hands. you find it nestled along all the small things she did for you in the past two hours: bringing you pain meds along with an easy breakfast of scrambled eggs and your favorite rosemary sourdough toast, doing a few snuffles with korra's morning unkibble so she's calm and ready to work today for whatever you need, helping you, after your glum nod, transfer from bed to your chair. you twist the wedding band around on your finger, focus on the few freckles that sit on the tops of her hands because of her time in the sun. your life is real, you remind yourself. your time on the other side, every endless day you spent in hell, was worth it for this, for beatrice quietly and patiently sitting next to you, soft and always becoming more herself; for your family visiting at the end of the week, camila begging to go to universal studios, lilith grumbling but giving in; for the respect people owe you now, and ready give; for your dog and your bar and the edibles you share with beatrice some nights, easy with laughter, and the farofa you feel confident in making for dinner when your friends come over, a warm offering.

'no,' you decide on, firmly, and you know beatrice will trust you. 'we should go. it'll be fun.'

'it will be fun,' she says, the same gleam in her eye you remember from years ago when she was ready to "maim or kill" (lilith's words) anyone who was in the way of her and the mission, especially once you became involved.

'you remember this is, like, your weekly tennis match for fun, right?'

'of course, ava.'

the way she cracks her knuckles tells you that the for fun is lost on her for the most part. it's endlessly amusing to you, though, and quite harmless — although maybe not to her opponent's pride — so you don't bother to argue any further. 'okay, well, i think angela and ruth wanted to have lunch anyway today after their jazzercise class, so we can watch you play.'

'no catcalling.'

you pout. 'you're my wife.'

'not from you, not from ruth or angela.'

'they're old, bea. let them have some fun.'

'at my expense? no thank you. i need to focus while i compete.'

she's already sitting up straighter, eyes lively. she's playing david today, you think, if you remember the club's "adult intermediate to advanced tennis league" rotation correctly. he's a decent player, and their head to head record is relatively even. he's also a bit of an asshole, and a venture capitalist, so it stands to reason beatrice despises him.

'fine.' you squeeze her hand. 'but can you change your shirt between sets?'

'ava.'

'gratuitously towel off or something at least.'

'ava.'

'whatever,' you say. 'i'm wearing a bikini. at least ruth and angela will appreciate it.'

'oh, i'll appreciate it,' she says, and then laughs softly and leans over to kiss you.

everything about beatrice, you decided years ago, is endearing. can she kill a man in, like, one second using just her hand? yes, sure, but you've seen her very skillfully practice her forms every morning for years, barring injury, and frown when anything is off, even by a breath. most people find her precision in all things kind of terrifying, but you've learned that some of it is a trauma response — from her childhood, from being a soldier, from losing you — and some of it is really just how she is. her books sorted exactly how she wants them — by genre, subgenre, and then author's last name — on the bookshelf; the meticulously labeled spices in your pantry, always in both their language of origin and english; her surfboards waxed perfectly and neatly stored in the small shed in your yard. everything about her precision is endearing because you understand her and you love her, and maybe the most endearing, or at least you think some days, is the way she treats rec league club tennis.

no matter how many times you've jokingly reminded her that your club isn't wimbeldon, she likes to wear all white little outfits; men's shorts and, your favorite, a neat polo. in the summer, she favors tanks, which you are not complaining about. she has three racquets and a very impressive bag like all the pros carry onto the court, special towels, pristine sneakers, and, when you're most amused, a wristband she very sincerely wipes her sweaty forehead on. since you'd met she'd loved watching tennis, and she'd taught you — as patiently as she has always taught you anything — the rules, her favorite players (not that it was, like, hard to think serena williams was the best athlete ever), common terms to know. you'd gone out with her a few times to the courts and she'd shown you proper form; you'd found out, eventually from her, that her dream as a little kid was to be a tennis pro, which was so charming and a little unexpected. you had thought she would've wanted to be some kind of scientist, maybe a really good lawyer, but her brother had dug out some pictures of little beatrice in her tennis getup, her expression so, so serious for a nine year old, and you'd fallen in love all over again.

she listens to her "pump-up music" — a lot of pop, surprisingly — as she drives you both to the club, focused already in her tennis outfit, complete with a quarterzip warmup top and everything. you're endlessly amused by her, in a way that most people are too intimidated to be, and you think it's good for her, to feel human, to not be taken so seriously when she should get to just enjoy things. your pain meds are helping by the time you get to the club, the pins and needles down your legs leveling out, the halo shaking off some of its deep sorrow, the memories of torture and abject aloneness that sometimes show up in your dreams. today is bright and sunny, the bluest sky, and your friends wave to you once you get out to the tables near the tennis courts. beatrice says a quick hello and then bustles off to start her very precise warm up routine, and you all wait until she's out of earshot to share a fond laugh.

'david today?'

'i swear she was rewatching coco and iga's last match yesterday to prepare.'

ruth pats your hand and angela orders a charcuterie for the table, gets prosecco for ruth and herself and — they both know you well enough by now that your chair usually means you've had to take medication, which you don't mix with alcohol — a cranberry soda for you, your favorite.

david shows up a few minutes later as you're gossiping, angela gasping at ruth's latest escapades with her new boyfriend while you laugh delightedly. he's the kind of muscular dude that likes to run along the beach shirtless because he thinks it's impressive but really it just looks ridiculous, the kind of dude that would give unwanted pointers in the gym. you don't have a disdain for him like beatrice does, because he's never done anything abhorrent to you personally, but when you see her steely gaze as he goes to his bench on the court, you get it. and, also, it's hot, so, like, you shoot a quick thanks to david and his douchey backwards cap for that.

things go just about as you'd expected: beatrice plays with the amount of passion you'd see in a wimbeldon final, and angela and ruth relentlessly whistle and cheer and boo. the charcuterie has a new truffle havarti you're all in love with, and the bottle of prosecco gets split happily while you watch. it's a fairly even match — david hits harder than beatrice but is slower and definitely stupider — and she wins the first set 6 games to 4. she gets mad at him for serving too slowly, and they briefly have an argument over whether or not one of his backhands was in. it's all deeply ridiculous for an afternoon at in an amateur club league, but beatrice and her overhand serves get you every single time.

she's down a break in the second set when she hits a drop shot that has david falling over his own feet, and you know it's over then. the second bea realizes someone is truly out of sorts, in any scenario, she's already won.

they shake hands after the match is over, beatrice taking the second set much quicker than the first, and then she makes her way over to your table and sits, very satisfied, in the chair next to you, a towel around her neck.

'my champion,' you say, and she rolls her eyes, accepting the congratulatory beer angela had already ordered for her as the last game was winding down with a thankful nod.

'great match, beatrice,' ruth says, half-sincere, half-teasing, but beatrice smiles anyway. sometimes, things are not good; sometimes, on the worst days, even now, even still, even with all this love, you still remember what it was like to suffer alone — without feeling, with too much feeling — for so much of your life. but beatrice slips into her quarterzip next to you and you smell sweat and laundry detergent and the pomade she puts in her hair, you feel the sun warming along your back and you hear the small group of children starting their lesson, laughing brightly. beatrice holds your hand and you'll nap later; you'll order takeout from your favorite thai place and watch the sunset on your patio; you'll fall asleep in her arms. you'll wake up and do it all over again — the loneliness, the pain, the longing — just for this.

#wn #wn fic #avatrice #avatrice fic #butch bea 🥺🫡#this is mostly bc a) i’ve been meaning to write this for like six months lmao it’s so funny #b) i’ve been watching the us open go coco obviously #c) whew ava deserves a silly happy life!!!! thinking abt him always #also d) bea when faced w normal competitive scenarios would be so insane #just absolutely batshit crazy i love her

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beanghostprincess · 3 days

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A very interesting AU concept would be swapping Sanji and Pudding, hear me out:

It starts with 9 year old Sanji at G€rma. In one way or another, his modifications partially activate. He is still weaker than his siblings, but its enough for J@dge to not imprison him even after Sora's death. (He still gets berated tho) Living like this slowly makes Sanji lose his emotions. He doesn't have a will to to live, yet he can't die.

Meanwhile, at Tottoland Big Mom is furios at a 6 year old Pudding because she just can't awaje her 3rd eye. She calls her a failure, punishes her for nothing, and tells her that she isn't her favourite daughter anymore. Hearthbroken, Pudding decides to run away like her big sister Lola did by hiding in the hold of a ship. She ends up in the east blue and after the ship wrecks, she meets Zeff. They are both stuck on an island fir 80 days, but he sacrifised his leg because he could never let a lady go hungry, its just wrong. Later they are saved and end up opening the Baratie.

Zeff raises Pudding as his precious daughter. She is already great at baking, but he teacges her how to make other dishes and cuisine. Everybody loves her, and anyone who even lays a finger on her will die.

Then Luffy arrives. While Pudding's real dream is to learn about the 3 eye tribe, she tells everybody that is to find the All Blue for her old man (she still covers her eye, Zeff is the only person who has seen it). After the events of the Baratie arc, she joins the crew as the cook.

The rest of the story would be similar. Pudding is now a pirate who uses her leg fighting skills and smarts to get by. (As well as an idden power thats connected to her 3rd eye) The marines gave her the epithet "chocolate leg Pudding". Im not sure if she already has the memo-memo no mi... I'm gonna assume she does and its very useful for her.

The first change in the plot is at Thriller Brak. Pudding notices her sister, but she is scared to face her at first, since that woukd mean telling her friends about her true lineage. For most if the arc, she deribetaly tries to hide herself and even wears a disguise. In a final moment in the arc, she asks Lola to talk to her privately. We don't see what happens yet, but we will one day.

The rest of the story is the same, until Whole Cake Island. When she is kidnapped by the Big Mom pirates. When her bounty poster is changed to "only alive". When the invitation to the wedfing of the 3rd son of the V!nsm@ke family and the 35th daughter of the Charlotte family are handed out. When Big Mom decides to claim her disowned child to give her up in an arranged marriage as part of a coup. Threattening to hurt Zeff and her friends if she doesn't comply.

I love this so damn much you don't even know-- I've always been saying that Pudding's story is basically Sanji's but like, with the bad ending because she never got to escape when she was little but Sanji did. And now that you mention this AU, it's just perfect to show their similarities but also to turn the stories around and,,, It's amazing.

Starting with Sanji, I adore that the approach here is that he's emotionless. I don't think he'd be like his brothers in a narcissistic, egocentric way. I think that after being abused constantly he just loses all will to leave and shuts down completely even if there is still empathy within him. The whole thing with the Vinsmokes is that they were all raised to be powerful killing machines and that's why they act like this, not because they actually are emotionless. And Sanji in this context isn't either, he just seems like he is because he just... Gives up. So I imagine a black-haired Sanji with some blond, completely shut down and just taking the abuse and living with it and serving the family without anything else.

But there is still some type of connection in him to like, animals and women, I think. It's small but it's there. He's not our sweetest boy but he won't harm women the way Niji does and he will help and feed animals because he is strangely attached to them and cooking. But Judge doesn't really say anything about it anymore because at least the kid gets the job done and doesn't seem like he's going to rebel or anything. He's kind of like in a Reiju position? Where he understands their situation and has his own emotions but just shuts down? Except that he's well, extremely depressed and mean and she's concerned for him. I think she still protects him though, she's the only one Sanji doesn't push away. Typical "they sit in silence and she hugs him and even though he stays expressionless it's obvious that he likes it with her".

And Pudding... I love that she gets her happy ending here. I've been saying Zeff has girldad energy and it just makes sense that he'd be extremely protective of her while teaching her to cook and fight on her own!! He raised the most gorgeous, sweetest, and yet ruthless cook of all seas! I think he'd be such a great dad for her because he would help her stand up for herself and also take care of her in their early years together when she is still having trouble adapting to a new, healthy environment. Of course, she still has nightmares and trauma responses when she grows up, and he helps her anyway, but she gets better at some point.

I love that he's the only one who sees her third eye!!! That'd be like, such a good plot point too for her to join the strawhats... Also, her dynamic with Luffy would be hilarious because despite being sweet, I wanna desperately keep her mean personality and she would be SOOO done with Luffy. Their relationship would kind of resemble Lusan's a lot, imo. And Nami would be sooo happy to have another girl in the crew so early!!! I also think she'd hate Zoro but not because of like, parallels with Zosan or anything, I just think their personalities clash too much-- And she'd have a soft spot for Usopp but that's because, you know, everyone does. Also, I like having a girl in the crew that isn't part of the coward trio. She actively fights and I love it. Then Vivi and Robin join them and y'know, I am starting to think another girl in the crew would be literally amazing hahahaha (I've been saying this for so long). So I am guessing everything stays the same except that during Thriller Bark she reunites with Lola but yeah, she doesn't tell the others about it. Because that's what WCI is for!

Then WCI happens... And I am losing it because I really, really, really want her to have the biggest breakdown about it and sacrifice herself Sanji-style (don't you just love how you don't even have to change the plot because they're literally parallels??? I will never understand how some people can hate Pudding lmfao she's literally Sanji). So she's forced to do the exact same thing she does in canon if she wants to save the ones she loves, but she doesn't want to kill Sanji?? Like at all?? And then you have Sanji who literally gives zero fucks about what's going on. I think he'd be forced to act politely and like a gentleman when he literally doesn't care about all of this-- And probably Pudding finds out and he's mean to her, yadda yadda yadda.

And y'know I would absolutely love if Sanji knew they're going to kill him but couldn't care less about it because perhaps dying is better than whatever life he's living, and when Pudding realizes what's going on she makes him want to live just... A little bit. Something awakens inside Sanji and suddenly he's scared and he doesn't want to do this. Sanji sees Pudding's third eye... Pudding finds out about Sanji's mother... They actually won't stop arguing at first, Pride & Prejudice style, and then Sanji sees her with a different perspective and all of a sudden he starts acting more protectively and sweet to her? So she's confused as hell and still tries to argue but uhhhh complicated relationship they've got there, but at least they help each other out.

And idk perhaps we have the Viinsmoke sibs having the same scene they have in canon and helping Sanji out but the crucial part is Reiju paralleling the original scene in which she helps Sanji escape. And he finally does and he leaves with the strawhats because I need them to have a happy ending. So he's still dealing with, you know, trying to express his emotions and wanting to live but he'll get there someday because at least now he's safe. Nobody kisses and forgets anybody because I will not allow a sad ending here, thank you.

#but seriously i love this so damn much #i could talk about this for hourssss #going insane #rn thinking hard about zeff raising pudding bc their dynamic would be so fun and cute #pudding in sanji's place and going through the same things he did with the crew but with her own issues and personality is amazing #idk pudding deserves so much love i hope she can get her happy ending in the manga or else i will riot #also thinking hard abt germa sanji not being evil or anything he's just depressed #like i LOVE evil sanji AUs but depressed sanji who just settles and doesn't fight back and suddenly he finds pudding and the strawhats #and now he has a reason to live and turns out he's a sweetheart??????#going insane about them actually #he joins and nami goes and dies his hair blond bc it's very needed thanks #one piece #black leg sanji #charlotte pudding #whole cake island #red leg zeff #not tagging the others bc i'm lazy #ask-bean!

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cuckweeds · 10 months

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I feel like none of the other girls understand the unique trauma that shauna is carrying. sure they all killed and ate their friends, but shauna is the only one of them that had to butcher them. she was completely right when she wrote in her journal that she was the only one willing to do what it takes to keep them fed. even when they were just drawing cards, she was the one who had to put a knife to natalie's throat, because she's the only one that learned how to bleed animals. she was the one who told them it was okay to eat jackie. she was the one who told them to wait when javi was drowning. and she was the one who had to slice up his body and serve it to them. they couldn't even stand to be around her while she did it because they couldn't stand to watch. they can eat their friends when it's served to them on a platter, but they can't stand to be the ones doing the butchering, thats shaunas job. as much as they feel the guilt of what theyve done, the rest of them can distance themselves. her guilt is so immense and she is so stuck in it because she had to face the horrors of what they were doing more than anyone. that's why she is the only one that can say that there was no "it", it was just them. because she will never be able to forget the fact that it was her who cut up her friends.

#shauna shipman #shauna sadecki #yellowjackets #yellowjackets spoilers #yellowjackets season 2 spoilers #also lile of course i do not blame any of these girlies for what they have done #i just think nobody will ever understand what shauna was reallt going through #and she never gets the recognition or thanks she deserves for what she did for all of them #and she was grieving her fuckin dead baby and girlfriend the whole time!#like that is so much #she deserves everything after that #any crimes she commits are compeltely forgiven bc holy shit that woudk drive literally anyone insane!

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himejoshiangels · 3 months

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none of you understand fabian aramais seacaster like I do, I'm taking Lou Wilson's incredible acting and performance and LEAVING

#fabian seacaster #you ppl do NOT deserve him!!!!#he is allowed to not like the honey he is bitchy its his thing!!!#AND the main reason he stayed to try and make out w whatsherface is bcs he was aksed to for investigative purposes!!!#and if u guys were REAL fantasy high fans #youd KNOW that fabian only wants to fuck insane people bcs they remind him of his dad!#so there!#thought bubbles #fantasy high #hes a dick but not more than usual and hes not even that bad like hes not even that much of a dick i think u guys r just projecting #and also have you considered that he hasnt been eating well and his clothes are all over the floor and hes in a big big house all alone by #himself #have yoh considered that!!!

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crypticconstruct · 4 months

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If any of the batch dies I will probably cry but I know for a FACT I ABSOLUTELY WILL CRY IF ECHO DIES!

(His 1 second appearance in the trailer is not doing anything to soothe my nerves)

#the bad batch season 3 #please have mercy on him #he deserves a happy ending #also in general i think they should do more with his character #it constantly feels like hes swept to the side bc hes not part of the original batch #is it just me? or do i just love his character so much that it never feels like enough content no matter ehat lol #history will decide i guess #anyway i have so many thoughts about the bad batch and the clones in general its insane i need to make separate posts for them #bad batch #the bad batch #the bad batch spoilers #bad batch spoilers #tbb #tbb spoilers #tbb echo #the bad batch echo

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effervescentdragon · 2 years

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Why Sebastian Vettel and Nico Rosberg are the same person in a different font, an essay by a delusional F1 girlie

I keep saying that I am going to write an essay about how Nico Rosberg and Sebastian Vettel are basically the same person in different fonts and on the opposite ends of the scale one day. Guess what friends, that day has come. Thank you Misa @blorbocedes you absolute fucking bastard for putting so much Seb and Nico content on my dash that I actually opened a fucking google doc so that I can do this properly and write it. Imma count this as preparation for actually having to write proper analyses for my uni classes, so im *technically* not wasting my time on two German twinks id love to fuck at certain points in the life.

Disclaimer: Half of this is bullshit and projections. I’ll let you decide which part, because if you’re reading this, you are definitely at least as delusional as me, who’s actually writing this shit. Dont come to me for references, do your own research. :)

Unto the fucking breach.

The first thing I have to say is they’re both German, but not the same. Nico is half-Finnish, and I would blame that flavour for differing him from say, the way Michael Schumacher and Sebastian Vettel are similar, but on the other fucking hand, the Finnish part in him comes from KEKE FUCKING ROSBERG, so I don’t know how that would actually be true. ANYWAYS.

Nico was born to a WDC insane (affectionate) father and girlboss of a mother in Monaco (in Germany, but was raised in Monaco dont come at me) as their only child. Sebastian Vettel has like, a billion siblings (four, i think, two older sisters and a younger brother) and was also born and raised in Bumfuck NOwhere, Germany (Heppenheim, but who’s counting). So the first thing we have here is them being annoying bastards, but in a different way. Nico had like one friend in his life (Lewis Hamilton, and I aint touching that with a ten foot pole lest I descend into absolute madness), and Sebastian had two older siblings and according to everyone and their mother, he was always the outgoing friendly little shit that we love. So like, we have competing for attention with older siblings vs competing for attention with whatever rich people do in monaco. Do you see where I’m going with this? The only way Nico was forced to learn to share was through his friendship with Lewis, while Seb was probably raised to share everything, so he probably wanted to have things for himself (projecting here as one of the youngest in the group of cousins). Also, Keke chose which languages Nico would learn, considering which ones are good for his racing career. Im pretty sure Seb went to public school. There are differences in their status which i think show themselves pretty nicely as they grow up and become the bitches we love <3 it even shows itself in the way they approach environmental issues today. Nico goes on the stupides, most capitalist dumabss show and only invests into some rich people dumbass “umweltschutz” start-ups which are literally so fucking useless my god, and what Seb does is try to bring renewable fuels and whatnot into F1 and talk about climate change and call people out, while still sometimes saying extremely stupid shit. Nico does think it’s laudable tho xD

ALSO. Very important. They are both Cancers, which is the sign ruled by the moon which means its all about emotions and feelings, but Nico is a June Cancer, and Seb is a July Cancer. If you dont know what that means, lemme give you a quick breakdown, since i am definitely a completely normal person about this. Short answer is - June cancers are otright manipulative sons of bitches; July cancers are crybabies. Which I do believe fits perfectly in how they manipulate girlboss gaslight malewife their way through their careers. Nico never shied away from outright manipulation, speaking openly about the mind games and how it was with Michael (imma come to Michael. Gods do I have THOUGHTS about Michael ugh but we gotta go through some other stuff first), while Seb always, fucking always played the “wide-eyed, he-ran into me, bottom emoji, i didnt see him” card, and batted his eyelashes, and fucking got whatever he wanted. MULTI 21 MY BELOVED. Anyways, imma spare you the talk about decants and shit, but Seb was born early July EXACTLY ON THE BORDER, and Imma let you decide if he is 1st or 2nd option. I know which one im aiming for. SO. JUNE CANCERS/early july, 1st option. They have a strong moon influence in their sun sign, and are the purest form of cancer sun sign and embody the strengths and weaknesses of the sign the most (google that shit for more info), in that they are both highly empathetic and emotional, nurturing, giving off mommy energy, but can also be extremely manipulative, they hide things very well since moon IS the master of deception. 2nd option, 10th-20th degree of cancer, is early July cancers. And their cancer sun is influenced by pluto, and they have scorpio energy to them, which means they are intense, they can be dark, they can be very mysterious and hiding things, obsessive and manipulative, and they bring heavy emotional energy to the table while being extremely empathetic themselves. Basically, they are emotional bitches in the same way but in sorta different fonts. :)

So anyways, you decide for yourselves which one Seb is :)

shout out to bff’s bf for debating cancers with me and explaining astrology to the degree i never thought i’d wanna hear about, but this IS an essay and i DO need sources. So there.

pic credits: @niamh90 and this post

Lets go to racing. Nico’s dad made a bloody team in karting so he and Lewis could continue to race. Seb. Didn’t really have that. Yadda yadda, something about connections vs doing it all yourself on your own merit. Now dont get me wrong, im all for nepotism, and Nico is an insanely good driver in my opinion, and Seb did use BMW ties to get to test for Williams. They both also won some series that im not sure i understand, the fuck is GP2 and German cups, im not looking into that if i dont have to, bottom line is, they are both super good drivers. However, there are all these differences between them and the way they’ve even come into F1 that I think push them to the opposite sides of the spectrum despite them being the same person in their basics. If you want to know more, google their racing careers up until F1 and you’ll see what I mean (i dont feel like re-doing a deep dive about junior series and shit and who won what bcs i will then never be able to forget it and i dont need that info cluttering my brain). Onto the F1.

Nico came into F1 after winning whatever GP2 is, in 2006, driving for Williams (he also refused McLaren in 2007, good on him, fuck McLaren on principle). Seb (properly, not just to replace Kubica) came into F1 in 2007 mid-season, when RBR did a well-known and beloathingly repeated signature move of replacing drivers mid-season and he drove for Toro Rosso aka Baby Bull Team. He also fucking crashed into Mark Webber in 2007, thats not relevant to anything except that I personally think it’s hilarious, so honorable mention for Seb doing terrorism on Webber even before they were teammates. :) Anyways, Seb wins Monza 2008, Williams is shit. Whatever. All of that is secondary, because we now come to the biggest point of contention, the ultimate important thing, the gem of the collection, the one and only and the most important person in this essay (dont @ me idgaf you know it’s true) - MICHAEL FUCKING SCHUMACHER.

Michael Fucking Schumacher. Sebastian Vettel’s absolute ultimate idol since he was a kid (three M’s, anyone) and Nico Rosberg’s teammate in the newly minted Mercedes Team in 2010, after his switch from Williams. Look at that face. I’d let him terrorize me ngl. He is adorable.

He is also absolutely unhinged, and Sebastian fucking adores him.

Basically, what we have in 2010 F1 season is Sebastian Vettel terrorizing his older teammate Mark Webber with his presence and results in Red Bull, and Michael Schumacher terrorizing his younger teammate Nico Rosberg in Mercedes after his sabbatical. Schumi was there to fuck around, and boy did Nico find out. On the other hand, Michael took one look at German twinks available on the grid, Seb smiled at him and batted his eyelashes in hero-worship whilst being a little shit, and Michael went “yeah okey I like this one, fuck the rest”, and he took on a friend-mentor-whatever you want to call it i dont judge role with Vettel while absolutely mindfucking Nico. If you look at any press conference ever where Seb, Michael and Nico are there, Nico is always their bullying target. If you add Webber, you get double the terrorism. Michael looks on as Seb says/does stupid shit and then turns around with the biggest “did i do weel senpai? Did you see? Did you?” fucking heart eyes ever. Meanwhile poor Nico has to deal with a 7 time wdc in the garage and with mind games constantly, which Michael is probably teaching Seb on the downlow, or just by, yakno. Diffusion principles or sth. I’d almost feel sorry for Webber, but I hate that guy. Here’s pics of these lovely teammate pairings, bcs why not.

Do you see what I mean? :) (merc pic credit goes to @smoothoperator-55 and this post)

I mean, Nico tries. He really does, and he actually succeeded in his mindfuckery with Lewis later, on account of knowing him better than anyone in the world, really. But during the RBR golden era of Vettel championships, he has no chance. Literally none. As annoying as he can be, he is literally just being bullied by these two insane Germans. And I love it.

(again, pic credit to this post)

Wait, I lost the plot being distracted about Seb and Schumi being the mean girls of the grid. I mean look at them. Fuck. Where was I?

Oh yeah okay. So. What happens is, Seb is on top of the world, having the friendship and love and support of his idol. Nico isn’t. Niki sees this, he steps in. Michael retires. Nico’s best friend, a kid more talented than anyone in the world and a WDC with McLaren already comes into the team. FUN TIMES ABOUT TO COMMENCE. Kinda. Not really. I won’t go into the details of all that, bcs chances are, if you’re reading this, you fucking know already. Lewis and Sebs friendship developing especially after Nico left, Seb at Ferrari fuckery while Nico was gathering the pieces of his broken heart and doing commentating, Seb using any and every opportunity to fuck with Nico by being all touch with Lewis and then still defending Nico after all; all of that, you probably know better than I do. I will, however, draw some more parallels bcs this is almost 2k already and I need to eat.

- Seb said Kimi was his only friend on the grid when he started; we know Nico’s only friend in racing was Lewis;

- Both Nico and Seb married their high-school sweethearts and both are paragons of integrity in this (me being convinced that brocedes and princess cake and Seb/everyone he made eyes at are canon should not be counted as facts here);

- They are both so fucking annoying in interviews. Like any interview you watch, they are so fucking annoying, and when they’re with each other, they are even worse;

- they both played mind-games extraordinaire with their teammates and managed to beat them on account of those (tho id argue Webber sucks tbh but i do hate that guy);

- they are both passionate about the same cause - environmentalism, but in diametrically opposed ways. While Nico does DHDL and drives around and invests in electric cars, Seb, with no media presence, wears those oversized t-shirts of his and rides fucking vans to european circuits;

- they have both definitely banged at least one of their teammates;

- they are both rich white men with some concerningly western-biased opinions but whatever, we stan anyways (whilst being critical of that in rl if not on our delusional tumblrs).

I may add some more stuff if I remember it, and I may even research it properly next time, but for now I think this is enough. I don’t even know what this is, except me word-vomiting about my favorite German twinks to distract myself from obligations and giving myself an excuse to search for pretty pictures.

Here’s Seb and Nico, so we end this with a high. I know I get a high from them. Akira out.

some sources, bcs im not an absolute heathen, also all the pic credits i didnt tag specifically go to pinterest:

x x x x x

#akira goes insane #f1 #nico rosberg #sebastian vettel #dont ask me about it i wrote the bloody essay and i am dead #michael schumacher #bcs i think he deserves the honorable mention here #two sides of a same coin or something #cw astrology taken seriously #unhinged f1 content #akira writes too long essays

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