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yelena-bellova · 3 years

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Don’t Be Afraid: Poe Dameron x Solo!Reader - Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty: Party on Pasaana

Plot: Poe, Y/n, Finn, Rey and the rest of the gang journey to Pasaana to try and find the Wayfinder.

Series Masterlist

Warnings: none really

Word Count: 6.8k

A/N: I’M BACK! This is by no means my best or favorite chapter but it moves the story along and boy, is there a lot coming...Hopefully you’ve stuck around this long and if not, I’m not offended. Hope you enjoy!

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Despite the fact that I’d spent my day fixing the Falcon, me and Chewie still ran every diagnostic possible on it before even thinking about taking her up. She was too temperamental to be treated any differently.

“You know I love flying with you, but don’t feel like you’re obligated to come with, Chew,” I said, closing up the last panel on the underside of the ship, “This one isn’t going to be a simple supply run.”

Chewie groaned in protest at my offer to let him stay on base, reminding me of the promise he’d made to Dad. That he’d protect me and he didn’t intend to stop doing that anytime soon.

I conceded to the Wookiee and emerged from underneath the Falcon. I found Rey finishing her repairs as Poe stood nearby, patting her on the arm, “We’re going with you. Chewie, you get that compressor fixed?” “No, I did,” I answered, dusting off my hands on my pants. The two of us still hadn’t spoken since our fight earlier in the day. “What do you mean you’re coming with us?” Poe separated from Rey, revealing Finn and the droids behind him, and led me to the side of the Falcon. He kept space between us, probably because he didn’t know where we stood after our fight.

“Do you honestly think we’d let you guys take this on by yourselves?” he asked.

“Poe,” I shook my head, “Rey and I don’t even know what we’re walking into, I don’t want to throw you guys in the line of danger.” “So it’s too dangerous for me to risk my life but not you?” he asked with raised brows, wedging me between a metaphorical rock and a hard place, “Y/n, we’re a team. If one of us goes, we all go.” I hung my head in frustration, these were the type of situations that I hated the most. I couldn’t protect everyone, that had been made clear, and I certainly couldn’t justify to Poe why it was okay for me to charge headfirst into a fight but not him. Though I’d try every time, even if it was bound to end in failure.

“Fine,” I relented, shrugging and letting my hands fall against my legs, “But I’m flying us there.”

“Understood,” Poe agreed, pulling a corner of his lip up in an almost smile, “I am sorry about today, y’know…It was stupid of me not to think about how much the Falcon means to you.” “Me too,” I sighed, remembering all the harsh words we had flung at one another in contrast to the white flags me were now waving. This wasn’t the first makeup we’d had lately. Not by a long shot. Poe and I had been fighting more than usual, tensions were high with all that was going on and our relationship wasn’t escaping un-scorched. There was never any doubt as to whether or not we still loved each other, but we needed to find better ways of dealing with our stress rather than taking it out on each other. “Chewie told me there was only one escape route and you took it. You guys coming back alive is more important than anything else.”

Where there should have been a kiss or intertwined fingers, there was only silence and our best attempts to smile. There was so much lying underneath the surface that we didn’t ever have time to deal with.

“I wish you’d tell me.” I tried my hardest not to look phased, “Tell you what?” Poe swallowed as he stared into my eyes, “Whatever it is you’re keeping from me.” Every hair on my body stood to attention and fear shot through my veins. I knew he’d become suspicious of me but we hadn’t addressed it out loud before. Once the words of distrust hit the air, it became a true issue. The bottom line of it all was if Poe knew I had been in contact with Ren, he would never trust me with anything ever again.

My tongue peeked out to wet my lips as I nervously shifted my weight to my other foot, “I need you to trust me that what I’m doing, I’m doing for the good of the Resistance.” “We don’t keep secrets from each other, Y/n,” he shook his head and placed his hands on his hips, “That’s not us.” “You wouldn’t understand it, it’s Jedi stuff.” He bit his lip and nodded sarcastically, “Oh, so because I’m not a Jedi, my little average brain couldn’t possibly understand whatever problem you’ve got? Thanks for clearing that up.” “Poe,” I took a step and reached out to grab his forearm, “I didn’t mean it like that. Just please trust me. Everything I do, I do it to keep us safe.” I watched the emotions flicker in his eyes, changing from confusion to anger to desperation to hurt. The thought of confessing to him came through my mind at least ten times a day, but it wasn’t possible. Selfishly, I didn’t want to watch him learn of my betrayal. He would never look at me the same way and I wasn’t ready to lose that.

“I trust you more than anyone,” he finally said, stiffening his voice to hide his emotions, “I just wish you felt the same way about me.” He shrugged out of my hand’s hold and made his way up the ship’s ramp. I chewed on my bottom lip and leaned my forehead against one of the Falcon’s legs. There was nobody on any planet in any galaxy who I trusted more than Poe. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me and the fact that he was beginning to doubt my trust in him was a sucker punch. This time he wasn’t at fault, he only wanted to help me shoulder the burden. But there was nothing he could do to aid in the mental torture I was inflicting on myself.

I turned on my heels to go find my mother but froze at the sight of her and Rey locked in an embrace. I could sense the sadness in Rey that came with leaving her, the only mother figure she could remember having. Watching as she turned away, clipping Uncle Luke’s lightsaber to her belt, I took my cue to say my farewell.

“We’ll check in when we can, if we can,” I stated, partially as a commander but also a daughter to her worried mom, “Who knows, maybe we’ll be back in time for dinner.” A lame attempt at humor, yes, but there was nothing I wouldn’t do to try and make her smile in the most concerning of hours. “Look out for each other, don’t take too many risks,” she instructed, taking my hand in hers, “And come back in one piece.” There was some feeling in the air that I couldn’t put a name to, but it was there nonetheless. I never liked leaving Mom but with the stakes as high as they were, I felt a new sense of dread. I wasn’t immune to fear of losing my life and the reality of something happening to me and leaving her on her own caused a new urgency inside me to come back alive.

“I love you,” I whispered, squeezing her hands tight as tears began to fill my eyes, “So much.” “My darling,” I could hear the emotion in her voice that she was pushing down, “You are the greatest love I could have ever asked for.”

There wasn’t much more that could be said as I bent down to hug her, there was so much meaning inside our few words. We’d survived for a year as a family of two, something we were never meant to do, but we’d somehow done it. Mom’s health had begun to worsen with her age, but the incident on the Raddus had forced what was natural to happen prematurely. She got tired quicker, she required a cane sometimes and needed my help more often, though she always tried to avoid asking. I didn’t think it possible but we’d somehow grown closer in the last year, which made it all the more important that the mission go right and I return safely.

She whispered against my ear, “May the force be with you.” I pulled back with a watery smile, “We’re gonna need it.” With a kiss to her cheek, I forced myself to head back to the ship with a deep pain in my chest. It felt like I was tied to both the Falcon and Mom, the more distance I put between her and I, the more I began to hurt. It lit yet another flame of determination inside me to come back victorious.

Rey had waited for me outside the Falcon, attempting to act like she hadn’t witnessed the tender moment. The two of us shared a hopeful smile before we walked up the ramp together. When we arrived in the cockpit, it was apparent that it was going to be a tight fit. Rey moved to take the empty co-pilot’s chair with Chewie standing in the back, waiting to be called to action. Poe and I didn’t bother to make eye contact choosing instead to bury our pain for a later date. I gave Finn a good natured slap on the shoulder before sinking into the captain’s chair. I’d flown the Falcon hundreds of times by now and yet each time I took the controls, I felt like a child way out of their depth. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, there was no time to waste on fear. All that mattered was the mission.

“Next stop,” I narrated as I readied myself to lift the ship off the ground, “Pasaana…” ————

“You sure this is it?” Poe asked from the front of our group.

“I followed the coordinates perfectly,” I panted, already missing the jungle heat as opposed to Pasaana’s dry kind, “Right, 3PO?”

“Mistress Y/n is correct, these are the exact coordinates that Master Luke left behind.” We rounded the bend of the hill we’d climbed to find the least likely scenario on a planet we’d thought remote; a party.

“What is this?”

“The Aki-Aki Festival of the Ancestors,” 3PO explained, “This celebration occurs only once every 42 years.” “Well, that’s lucky,” Finn commented from beside me.

“Lucky indeed, this festival is known for both its colorful kites and its delectable sweets.” Under normal circumstances, I have had all the patience in the world with the droid I’d spent my whole life around. But now, overlooking the obstacle that would make it harder to find the Wayfinder and ultimately save the galaxy, I joined my friends in staring him down. “3PO, read the room.” “Let’s get down there,” Poe directed with a thumb tucked into his holster, “This is gonna take way longer than it should.” Having spent the better part of my life traveling, I loved getting to immerse myself in different planet’s cultures. It was one of the reasons my diplomatic skills were so highly tuned, I knew how to connect with all different types of people. So there was a small part of me, though stressed, that made a note to take in the sounds of the Aki-Aki’s chants and the array of colors in the crowd. I wasn’t the only one interested in the details either…

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” a wide eyed Rey commented as Finn and Poe passed us by.

“I’ve never seen so few Wayfinders,” Finn retorted.

“Take in what you can, we won’t be back for another 42 years,” I bumped Rey with my hip before following our group.

“There’s always random First Order patrols in crowds like these, so, keep your heads down,” Poe turned to look back at us, zeroing in on the only one tall enough to stick out, “Chewie. Let’s split up, see what the locals know.”

Rey was too taken by her surroundings to fully register what Poe was saying and Finn had gone with my boyfriend, leaving me to follow along with them. As soon as I did, Poe turned to me, “What are you doing?” “…Coming with you?” “We’ve gotta cover as much ground as possible,” he gestured over towards a grouping of tents, “Try talking to some of the traders, see if they know anything.” Thinning my eyes at him in shock that we were on a mission and Poe didn’t want me with him, I decided that now wasn’t the time to fight back. “Fine, Bee,” I called to my boyfriend’s droid hovering near Rey, “You’re with me.” The two of us made our way through a couple vendor’s booths, unsuccessful in getting any information about the location of the Wayfinder. I didn’t even have to do much talking with them, my senses could tell me whether or not my question brought up any memories. Which was good for me because I wasn’t in the mood to do a lot of chit chatting. Bee must have picked up on my silent frustration because he nudged me in my calf, urging me to talk. “He could have said it about ten other ways,” I vented, “But instead he had to make it sound like I was doing something wrong by going with them.” You know how he can be when he’s stressed. “I’m stressed too,” I cried, gesturing to my chest, “And maybe I wanted to go with him because I feel a little less worried when I’m with him. It’s never mattered what’s going on, we’ve always partnered together on missions. Clearly he doesn’t need me this time.” Didn’t you two have a fight before we left? Do you think it has something to do with that? I sighed defeatedly, “Probably…Or the fight we had earlier today, or the one we had just before he left a few days ago…” There was no shortage of examples I could have given as to why Poe didn’t want to be around me. “Things aren’t great between us right now.”

Maybe you should talk to him about it.

“Not right now, Bee. There’s bigger things at hand then Poe and I fighting. Nobody here knows anything, let’s go find the others.” When we made it back, Finn and Poe were engrossed in a conversation with an Aki-Aki. He turned his focus to me, “Got anything?” “I’d probably be a little more enthusiastic if I did, Dameron,” I remarked, taking a spot across from him instead of next to.

He looked between me and Finn, who was trying to remain focused on the Aki-Aki in question, “Whoa, what’s going on?”

The saddest part of why I was angry was the heart of the matter, Poe and I weren’t functioning like the inseparable couple we’d been for the last year. We were functioning like soldiers, ones who bickered at any chance we were given. And while I wanted nothing more than to talk to him about how I felt and ask him when things had gotten like this, not even love could come before war. I looked up at him, the frustration and hurt clearly painted clearly across my face, “Nothing that matters right now, I’m gonna go question some others but don’t worry, I’ll do it by myself.”

Just as Poe was opening his mouth to reply and I was ready to turn away, Rey came running in our direction. “We have to go. Back to the Falcon, now,” she ordered.

“Why?” Finn asked. “It’s Ren.”

Despite the anxiety running through my veins, I took a contradictory step forward. “He’s here?”

“He’s on his way,” Rey answered, her eyes wide and locked with mine.

“Then let’s get the hell out of here,” Poe began tracing our path back to the Falcon with his eyes, “It’s back this way.”

We ran through the festival with our heads on a swivel, until Poe shot his arm out as a barrier when we came face to face with a stormtrooper. “Freeze! Hold it right there. I’ve located the Resistance fugitives, all units report-“ A dart whizzed past us and landed perfectly in the trooper’s eye. We turned to see a figure holding a crossbow standing behind one of the tents, dressed in robes and his face covered with a helmet. “Follow me.”

With no other options in sight, we trusted in our mysterious savior and followed him. We climbed into his vehicle slowly rolling through the festival. “Leia sent me a transmission,” his modulated voice said before speaking in an alien language to the driver. “Okay, how’d you find us?” Finn asked what we were all thinking. The man reached to take his helmet off and I was greeted by a face I hadn’t seen in years. He grinned, “Wookiees stand out in a crowd.” “Lando!”

Chewie moaned his excitement at seeing his old friend and shoved his way past us all to hug him. “It’s good to see you too, old buddy,” he laughed before turning to me, “Look at you, the princess is all grown up.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and breathed for the first time all day, “I can’t believe you’re here.” “This is General Lando Calrissian,” 3PO said from behind us.

“We know who he is, 3PO,” Rey gently admonished.

“It is an honor, General,” Finn said, a big smile gracing his face. “General Calrissian,” Poe spoke up, “We’re looking for Exegol.”

Lando looked between our crew before centering on me, “Of course she’d send you.” I scrunched up my nose and tilted my head, “I didn’t give her much of a choice.” He shook his head with laughter, “You’re her daughter alright…” he flicked his wristlet on and a holo of a Wayfinder appeared, “Only two were made.” “A Sith Wayfinder,” Rey said, “Luke Skywalker came here to find one.” “I know,” Lando chuckled, “I was with him, Luke and I were tailing an old Jedi hunter,” he changed the image on his holo to a creature, “Ochi of Bestoon. He was carrying a clue that could lead to a Wayfinder. We followed his ship halfway across the galaxy here. When we got to his ship, it was abandoned. No clue, no Wayfinder.” “Is the ship still here?” I asked.

“It’s out in the desert where he left it.” “We need to get there, search it again,” Rey suggested.

My posture straightened as the sound of ship engines filled my ears. I peered out a window to see a small bunch of First Order ships flying towards the festival grounds.

“I got a bad feeling about this,” Lando muttered before turning to us, “Ochi’s ship is out past Lurch Canyon. Go!” “Thank you, General,” Poe said before beginning to help each of us out of the crawler.

Chewie moaned his happiness at seeing Lando again, something he reciprocated. Before taking Poe’s extended hand, I quickly embraced my non-biological uncle. “We’re on Ajan Kloss, come join us. We need pilots.” “My flying days are long gone,” he gently declined before taking my hands into his, “But do me a favor, give your mother my love.”

“I will, as long as you consider coming,” I said before kissing his cheek and allowing Poe to help me out. My heart ached to walk away from another member of my family…

“Can’t believe I never put it together that you’re a princess.” Poe said from beside me as we sprinted through the desert. I was hoping no one had noticed Lando’s long standing nickname for me.

“Of a planet that ceased to exist long before I was born,” I panted, “I don’t think that counts for much.” “Doesn’t matter, I’m still going to call you Your Highness,” Finn called from ahead. “There,” Poe pointed, “Those speeders,” he tossed his gloves off, slid beneath the vehicles and began hot-wiring the vehicles. The yelling of a group of Aki-Aki, presumably the owners of the speeders, made him hurry through his work. “We gotta go!”

Finn, Poe and 3PO hopped into one while Rey, Bee, Chewie and I crowded into the other. I didn’t have time to look back as I began steering but I could sense that Poe was surprised that I didn’t come with him. The urge to turn around and yell at him for the exact same thing that had happened moments before was strong, but once again not our highest priority. What was important was the stormtroopers tailing us. Rey took over on offense while I piloted us, it wasn’t until her cry of my name that I turned around. The troopers were flying through the air using jetpacks, something none of us had ever seen.

“I can’t get a clear shot!” Rey yelled.

“Switch with me!”

She continued firing her blaster as she moved to the front of the speeder where I let her take the wheel. I ducked down next to Bee and calculated what angle I needed them to be at for my plan to work.

I’ve got an idea. “Bee, not now,” I shouted over the engine, turning back to the problem at hand. Ignoring my ignoring him, Bee began tapping away at a stray canister in front of us until it shot up into the air. A yellow explosion burst from the canister in front of the stormtroopers. When one emerged from the cloud, his disoriented driving sent him off a ramp like cluster of rocks. Rey turned and took a perfect shot, the trooper’s speeder exploding in the air.

“Never underestimate a droid,” she grinned.

“He’s doing my work for me!” I replied, standing back up and nudging Bee, “Now where’s Poe and Finn?” “Y/n, look,” I joined Rey at the front of the speeder, “Ochi’s ship.”

Parked atop a large structure of rocks was a modest craft that hopefully contained the answers we needed.

Rey’s face turned serious, “I’ve seen that ship before.”

“Y/n! Rey!”

I whipped around to see Poe and Finn’s speeder flying up behind us, “You get all of them?”

As I inhaled to answer triumphantly, the speeder was thrown forward and us with it. We flew through the air before landing roughly in a pile of dark sand, the screams of the rest of our group following directly after. I rolled over with a groan and looked up to see one last trooper whizzing through the air. Finally getting to go through with my original plan, I got to my knees and raised one of my hands, force pushing him into one of the cliffs.

“So they fly now,” I exhaled, falling back on my heels. As soon as my full weight landed in the sand, it began collapsing into itself.

“What the hell is this?” Poe exclaimed, I looked over to see the same sensation happening to him.

“Sinking field,” Rey cried, “Try to grab something!”

I struggled against the pull of the field to try and reach a piece of our smoking speeder, but my torso was already below the surface making it nearly impossible. I had landed somewhat near Poe and tried to wriggle my way to where he was, him already doing the same. I stretched my arm out as far as it could and barely brushed his fingers when his head dipped down below the surface. “Y/n!” he called out just as I lost sight of him. “No!” I yelled, throwing my arm into the pit and fishing around to try and grab him. “Rey, Y/n,” Finn said frantically, “I never told you tha-“ he disappeared into the black sand, lost to us. “What? Finn!” Rey called, it was the last thing I heard below my body was pulled under fully.

What followed was pure darkness, I kept my eyes squeezed shut as to not get anything in my eyes. In a flash of panic, I flailed about and tried to swim upwards back to the surface for a breath of air. All I could do was struggle and pray that I met the bottom, I didn’t want to die in a pit of sand. After a few seconds, I crashed through something hard and my back hit open air. I fell to the ground with a groan, Bee’s beeps and squeals a homing beacon in the dark. “Poe,” I sat up, feeling around the dimly lit cave for him, “Poe…” “I’m here,” he replied, I could barely make out his silhouette as he crawled on his knees to me. His gloved hand wrapped around my arm, making his close presence known, “Are you okay?” In a rare moment of tenderness, something we hadn’t felt in a long time, I reached up and laced my hand through his curls bringing his forehead down to meet mine. “Where’s everybody else?” Poe pulled me to my feet and unsheathed his flashlight, “Rey! Finn!”

“You didn’t say my name, sir, but I’m alright,” 3PO said, coming in from the other side of the cave.

The sand seeping out of the ceiling of the cave followed by loud grunts sent Poe and I bolting towards it just in time for him to catch Rey and ease her down to the ground. “You all right?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she mumbled, “Where’s Finn?” “Where’s Chewie?” I asked, rotating my head rapidly to try and get a full scope of the cave. On cue, Chewie dropped harshly from the ceiling with a moan, I ran over to him and helped him sit up.

Finn climbed out of a hole behind us, “I’m good. What is this place?” He stumbled towards us, the four of us huddled together for a relieved reunion.

Poe had one hand on Finn’s shoulder and one clutching my waist, he pressed a quick peck to my temple. “I thought we were goners,” he panted, I savored the feeling of being close to him even if it had taken thinking we were going to die to get there.

“Which way out?” Finn asked.

I squinted as I looked at our surroundings, “Can’t see a thing.” One step ahead of me, Rey unclipped her lightsaber from her belt and ignited it, lighting our path. Poe stepped forward as well, clicking his inferior flashlight on as if it would make a difference next to the luminous weapon. Shaking my head at my boyfriend, I ignited my own saber and followed Rey, “We need to hurry if Ren’s on his way. “So what was it?” Rey asked as Finn joined us.

“What?” he replied confusedly.

“What you were gonna tell Y/n and I?” A beat passed, “When?” “When you were sinking in the sand, you said ‘I never told you…’” Rey spelled it out for him.

He inched closer to the two of us and lowered his voice, “I’ll tell you later.” “You mean when Poe’s not here?” the man in question asked from behind us, staring Finn down as he squeezed between the three of us.

“Yeah,” Finn replied confidently.

“We’re gonna die in sand burrows and we’re all keeping secrets?” Poe deliberately turned his head to look at me when he hit the word ‘secrets,’ a wave of guilt washing over me.

“I’ll tell you when you tell us about all that shifty stuff you do,” Finn fired back, referring to to hot-wiring of the speeders and no doubt something else he’d seen Poe do recently.

“I do not wanna know what made these tunnels,” Poe commented as he took the lead at the front of our group.

Ever the helper, 3PO jumped in to give an answer. “Judging by the circumference of the tunnel walls…” Poe turned to the droid, “I said I do not wanna know. Not,” he realigned his focus ahead of us, spotting something in the shadows, “What’s that?” “Is that a speeder?” Finn asked. “An old one,” Rey answered as she got a closer look. “Wonder if it still runs,” I said, running a hand over the dusty vehicle, “We’re gonna need a way out of here.” “Perhaps we will find the driver,” 3PO said hopefully. I think they’d be dead by now.

“Yep, BB-8, I think dead too,” Poe responded to his droid’s astute observation.

“Oh, my,” 3PO pointed towards the symbol on the front of the speeder, “A hex charm.”

“What’s a hex charm?” I asked, shining my saber over the detail and getting a look at it myself.

“A common emblem of Sith loyalists,” 3PO answered. “The Sith…” I mumbled under my breath, running a finger over it and catching the dust in my hand.

“This was Ochi’s?” Finn asked. “Luke sensed it,” Rey stepped forward, “Ochi never left this place.” “And he ended up down here,” Finn continued the train of thought.

“He was headed for his ship,” Poe completed the sentence, “Same thing happened to us, happened to him.” I followed Rey who was hot on the scent of something, the two of us spotting the skeleton at the same time. “So how did Ochi get out?” I took a breath, “He didn’t.” The four of us moved as one to examine the carcass, mangled and broken into pieces but clearly bearing resemblance to a creature. “No he didn’t…” Finn muttered.

“Bones,” Poe said from beside me, turning away for a second to stifle a gag, “I don’t like bones.” “Bones? Never a good sign,” 3PO commented.

My eyes flitted over the scene while Rey searched deeper, spotting a bump in the sand with Bee and helping him to unearth it. She pulled out a unique carved dagger, I could sense the same thing upon seeing it that she could. “Horrible things…have happened with this,” she trembled. “The writing…” I crouched down next to her, running a finger over the weapon and trying to figure out what language the script was written in, “I don’t recognize it, 3PO?”

The loyal droid came forward and took the dagger from my outstretched palm. “The location of the Wayfinder has been inscribed upon this dagger,” he announced, “It’s the clue that Master Luke was looking for.” “And? What does it say?” I asked with a hopeful smile.

3PO turned to our group, “I am afraid I cannot tell you.” “20.3 fazillion languages and you can’t read that?” Poe asked in confusion.

“I have read it, sir, I know exactly where the wayfinder is,” the droid responded, “Unfortunately, it is written in the runic language of the Sith.” “And?” I asked, inklings of impatience seeping out of my voice.

“My programming forbids me from translating it.” “So you’re telling us the one time we need you to talk,” Poe shook his head, “You can’t?”

“Irony, sir,” the droid answered, backing up to face us head on, “I am mechanically incapable of speaking translations from Sith. I believe the rule was passed by the Senate of the Old Republic.” I wasn’t listening, none of us were listening as he went on, instead focusing on the large serpent that had appeared behind 3PO with a growing growl. The four of us took a startled step back and held out our various weapons. It let out a meaning roar followed by a loud hiss, alerting 3PO to its presence. “Serpent! Serpent! Serpent!” Surprisingly, Rey placed a hand on top of Poe’s blaster and lowered it as the serpent showed off its razor sharp teeth once again. Keeping her eye trained on the beast, she blindly handed her lightsaber out for Finn to take. “Rey…” he cautioned, gripping the weapon tight in his grip. I could sense what she was sensing as I watched her approach, the serpent was crying out in pain more than anything else

“I’m gonna blast it,” Poe said quietly, his blaster once again aimed at the snake.

“Don’t,” I whispered, contradicting my words as I kept my saber activated in my hand, ready to fight if necessary. Rey kneeled down next to the snake, her eyes still locked with it as she laid her hand over its body. It snarled at her but she didn’t flinch, shutting her eyes and doing what I suspected she would do. She healed whatever wound the serpent had, receiving a small non-threatening moan in thanks. It snaked away down another pathway of the cave, revealing an exit that lit the cave up with the sunlight of Pasaana.

Bee rolled forward to ask Rey what she had done as she rubbed her hand, “I just transferred a bit of life. Force energy from me to him. You would’ve done the same.” “Luckily, we won’t have that problem again,” I said as I deactivated my lightsaber and clipped it back onto my belt, helping Rey up after, “Nice job.” Our group climbed out of the hole and we got a good look at the rock structure that displayed Ochi’s ship we’d seen during our speeder chase. “Looks like we’ve got our ride,” Poe commented as we walked up the rocks.

“We cannot possibly fly in that old wreck,” 3PO interjected.

“We gotta keep moving, find someone who can translate that dagger,” Poe replied, “Like a helpful droid.” “I suggest we return to the Millennium Falcon at once,” the droid said as forcefully as he was capable of being. “Troopers’ll be waiting at the Falcon,” I said, pausing my steps to try and shove aside the pain I felt at the thought of leaving my beloved ship behind, “We’ll find a way to get it back.”

Not more than two seconds after I spoke did each hair on my body stand up straight and a cold wave run through my body. I twisted to look out upon the miles of sand and rock, sensing the familiar presence of Ren yet not being able to see him. Rey and I shared a look, concern mixed with understanding that someone had to deal with it. I could feel that it was her that needed to confront him, I wasn’t the only one that shared a complicated history with the Supreme Leader. I nodded understandingly to her, the two of us not needing to speak a single word.

“What is it?” Finn asked, approaching the two of us. “I’ll be right behind you,” she said, handing Finn her staff and bag, “It’s okay.”

She passed by both of us, heading back down the way we’d come to go deal with our problem. “Let’s go,” I directed, turning back towards our new ride, “She’s got this.” The rest of us climbed the rest of the rocks until we hit Ochi’s ship, opening the ramp and heading into the heart of it. “Let’s see what we’ve got,” Poe said, switching on the flickering lights, “Let’s get those converters fired up.”

Finn, Poe and I marched to the cockpit, swiping at dusty cobwebs that adorned the ship. Poe flipped open the shutters and started her up proudly while Finn and I were more focused on looking out the windows for Rey. “Where is she?” he asked me.

Poe interrupted before I could form an answer, “Guys, help me out over here.” “Chewie, tell Rey we gotta go,” Finn ordered the Wookiee, who looked to me for confirmation. I gave a short nod and ran off the assist Poe in getting the ship up and running.

“What is she doing?” he grumbled as he sat down in the captain’s chair. “She’s helping us out,” I sat down in the seat next to him, “Trust me.” “That’s all I get?” he asked annoyedly as he flipped various switches, “Another Jedi thing I wouldn’t understand?”

“Are we really doing this right now?” I snapped, pressing a few buttons to help prep the ship.

“We wouldn’t have to if you would just tell me what’s going on,” Poe shot back, his voice raising to match mine. “It’s Ren,” Finn interrupted our fight, anxiety creeping into his tone. He bolted out of the cockpit leaving Poe and I to ourselves. “Finn, wait!” I yelled, taking off after him before he tried to intervene. I caught up to him outside of the ship, “Finn, you’ve gotta let her do th-“ My feet stopped as I spotted what Finn saw as well, Chewie was being loaded into a First order transport along with the dagger. Finn and I dropped to the rocks, crouching down and watching the scene unfold as the Wookiee pushed forward into the ship, hunched over and handcuffed. My natural instinct was to run and free him, but I knew that spelled too much potential danger for us all. And with Finn’s hand tightly gripping my arm, there was no way he’d let me go. It was one of the worst tortures I had to endure.

“We need to find a way to stop the ship,” I said quietly through my unshed tears, “If Poe could get that thing in the air…” “If we fire, the whole thing goes down,” Finn ended the idea as soon as it had been born.

I buried my face in my hands and rubbed furiously, my mind spinning with adrenaline and worry. The sounds on an approaching ship caught my attention, I rose to my feet and followed the noise across the rocks. Yards away from us stood Rey, lightsaber ignited with her back turned to the ship that undoubtably belonged to Ren. She took a running start as the craft advanced toward her and what happened next even I could hardly believe as I watched it. Rey flipped up in the air, letting her arm hang down and slicing off one of the ship’s wings. While she landed gracefully in a cloud of dust, Ren’s ship split violently until it was just the round cockpit rolling across the field of sand before exploding against one of the rocks. My breath caught as the flames engulfed what was left of his ship, I searched for any life left in the wreckage, sensing that he wasn’t dead yet. With my focus momentarily on Ren, I hadn’t noticed Finn had climbed down the rocks and was calling out for Rey.

“They got Chewie! They got him!” he pointed to the skies, I looked up to see the transport containing him had taken off.

“No,” I mumbled to myself, sticking my hand out to stop the ship using the Force. Rey had the same idea and aided me in my efforts. At that moment, a familiar cloaked figure emerged from the flaming wreckage, slowly making his way towards us. I could feel his stony, emotionless stare even with the great gap between us. Even so, I kept my focus on trying to pull the ship out of the sky. Ren extended his hand as well, creating resistance for Rey and I that only made us try harder. The three of us stood locked in our stances, throwing the ship from side to side as we battled for the life inside.

Then suddenly, the fight was over. From Rey’s outstretched hand came thick strands of lightning that wrapped around the ship. It took mere seconds until an explosion ripped the ship apart.

“Chewie!” Rey shrieked in horror. “No!” Finn cried.

I dropped to my knees in shock, watching as the wreckage floated to the ground, Chewie buried somewhere inside. One loud guttural sob escaped my lips and I clutched my stomach, crying out for the loss of another part of my family.

“Guys!” Poe’s voice broke through my grief, “We gotta go! They’re coming!”

Through my tears, I looked above to see Poe standing above me next to the ship and heard the noise of incoming fighters. I had to summon the strength to rise to my feet, my eyes drifting back to Chewie’s fiery grave one last time. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, my voice choked with emotion. I spared a final look to Ren, who I could sense was just as shocked at what had happened as I was. I sensed something in him, the same thing I had sensed when Mom had been thrown out of the Raddus. Sorrow. I wished I could have said I cared, but all I felt towards him was anger. He had contributed to Chewie’s death.

As Rey and Finn approached, I snapped back into action and climbed the rocks, Poe helping me and pulling me up the final foot. We bolted for the ship, racing to the cockpit and taking our assigned seats. He had gotten the thing in flying shape and as soon as we had everybody on board, Poe lifted it off the ground and shot us into the sky and away from the fighters. It was only when I knew he could manage without me that I slipped out of my chair and out of the cockpit.

A distraught Rey was waiting in the hold for me, she stood as I entered, “Y/n, I’m so-“ I breezed past her and Finn, I ignored the droids, I didn’t even think to go to Poe for comfort. Instead, I locked myself in the refresher and let my tears freely fall, mourning the loss of my life long friend.

----

A/N: I promise the next chapter will have little more going on...Let me know what you thought or if you’d like to be tagged ☺️

Taglist: @m1rkw00dpr1ncess @springfox04 @constantdisgrace @holybatflapexpert @seninjakitey @tammythompson-singslikea-muppet @leilei-draws @eternal-fandoms @dream-alittlebiggerdarling @imaginecrushes @eternallyvenus @thescarletknight2014 @simplybarnes @captain-america5 @breyasficletblog @caseymcflurry @stumbleonmywords @april-14-blog @i-ievu @ultrunning @desperatelytryingtosavemyself @caswinchester2000 @meraki-loki @lovinnholland @wishing4wishes @fruitloopzzz @bbuckysbeardd @justanotherblonde23 @ace-fiction @abysshaven @thisshitfucks @astudyoftimeywimeystuff @itsfangirlmendes @superbookishhufflepuff @zoriis @hybrid-in-progress @chloe-skywalker @lovinnoya @horsedragonllama

Star Wars Permanent Taglist: @paintballkid711@caswinchester2000 @theliterarymess @softly-sad-deactivated20210329 @angelicadameron

#poe dameron x reader #poe dameron x solo!reader #poe dameron imagine #star was imagine

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jaegereism · 3 years

Text

𝙆𝘼𝙏𝙎𝙐𝙆𝙄 𝘽𝘼𝙆𝙐𝙂𝙊 𝙋𝙀𝙍𝙎𝙊𝙉𝘼𝙇𝙄𝙏𝙔 𝘼𝙉𝘼𝙇𝙔𝙎𝙄𝙎

MBTI type: ESTP

Dominant-Se

Katsuki has quick reflexes and is in tune with his immediate environment. He often relies on physical force to achieve his ends, such as physically threatening Midoriya to tell him the truth about his secret quirk and planning to beat up the “boss” child when required to babysit some difficult children. He is able to think on the move, like he did when fighting Tokoyami in the sports festival. He attacked him over and over again to discover his weakness and used it to his own advantage. He has a rather adaptable approach when fighting against different opponents. He changes his fighting style according to his opponents when needed, such as successfully avoiding getting touched by Uraraka when fighting against her in the sports festival. He is also skilled in observing while taking action and does not easily get startled when his opponents are unpredictable. Katsuki does not backs up from physical challenges and seem to actually enjoy them. He challenged Todoroki to use all his powers against him despite the possibility of losing against him because of that. He enjoys earning victory with his blood and sweat.

Katsuki prefers to establish his statements with his actions. He is not easily effected by words. He does not believes in bark with no bite, and is quick to challenge those individuals to prove their statements by their actions. “Show us with your actions, not your mouth.” He told Shishikura when he was trying to degrade the Yuuei students and allude that students from Shiketsu High are somewhat better than those from Yueei. Katsuki is seen acting very impatient when he wants something. He uses his physicality in order to prove a point, whether by fighting, yelling or aggressive body language.

Auxiliary-Ti

Katsuki has an internal framework about how the world works. He conceptualizes the world around him in fixed categories. Such as, you should not even attempt to be a hero if you do not have a quirk. He expressed annoyance in season 1 when Midoriya did not went by his personal framework and attempted to get accepted in Yuuei without a quirk. It took him a while to accept that Midoriya had a quirk despite him showing obvious signs of having it. He said to Iida that Midoriya will have to leave Yuuei soon because he is “a quirkless loser”, to which Iida replied “He has a quirk. Did you not heard what he did in the entrance exam?” Katsuki is unable to accept the obvious because he does not believe in quirks popping up out of the blue. Once he even accepts that Midoriya has a quirk, he ends up assuming that he had always had it and kept it hidden from him. Katsuki does not appreciate having truth kept from him and keeps on investigating until he finds an explanation that makes sense.

Once he discovered that quirks can be stolen when he was kidnapped by the League of Villains, it made sense to him that quirks can be borrowed too. It made him believe that Midoriya actually had his quirk borrowed from someone else. Once he had gathered all the data he believed he needed, he was very confident in his theory about Midoriya having his quirk from All Might and pressured Midoriya to admit it to him. Katsuki analyzes the way people’s quirks effect their body rather accurately. An example is him assuming Todoroki to be a video game character in order to get an insight of the way his quirk effects his body.

Tertiary-Fe

Katsuki’s tertiary function is not very healthy, especially at the beginning of the show. He picks up on others’ insecurities and knows how to make them feel better or worse. He bullied- and shamed Midoriya publicly by saying that he is not good enough to be a hero. He does not concern himself with forming relationships with people. Anyone who fails to catch his attention is treated as an “extra” and all his friendships are initiated from the other party. He finds little importance in sensitive topics, such as bluntly stating that he does not care about Todoroki’s family issues. All the shortcomings in his hero-performance are because of his lack of tact. In later seasons, he is seen using his tertiary function in healthier ways. He did not shamed- or ignored Kirishima’s feelings when he expressed his insecurity about not being strong like his classmates. Katsuki actually took the time to listen to him- and tell him that he is strong enough because of his courage.

Katsuki was also very upset by the idea of Midoriya tricking him into believing that he was quirkless. He even accused Midoriya of laughing behind his back when he bullied him. Katsuki is rather expressive with his emotions, but he mostly expresses all his emotions as the two he is most familiar with, anger and pride. His outburst at the end of the season 3 was a demonstration of Fe-Se loop. “All Might knows it was my fault but hasn’t said anything. Everyone has to know, though! I can’t get it out of my head. It’s like it’s constantly playing on loop! So what the hell am I supposed to do?!” He suddenly became extremely sensitive to how others perceive him and accused everyone of blaming him, when no one actually was. He saw his own guilt in the eyes of others. He also felt the need to vent his emotions by using violence because of his dominant-Se.

Inferior-Ni

Katsuki lacks restraints and often forgets to pay attention to the way his actions are adding up for the long run. He treated civilians tactlessly in the hero license exam, which ultimately led to his failure. He often looses himself in the moment. He was so caught up in beating up Midoriya to show his superiority in their first battle together, that he ended up losing because of not considering other important factors. Katsuki has had one goal since childhood and he is devoted to it. He is guided by the vision to become the “number 1 hero” and expresses frustration towards any obstacles that come in his way. He is confident about his gut-instincts about people’s intentions and motivations. “What you’re saying does not match the look in your eyes.” He bluntly stated without any doubt. He recognized the other Yuuei classes’ “demonstration of war” regarding the sports festival against Class 1A quicker than his classmates. He is able to pick up on hidden meanings and symbols, like when All Might said “It’s your turn” while pointing towards the camera, and Katsuki understood that he was referring to Midoriya.

Katsuki was not inclined to look at the big picture in the beginning of the series, but he slowly learned it. “If all you do is look down on people, you won’t be able to recognize your own weaknesses.” He gave that advice when babysitting a child.

Enneagram: 8w7

Tritype: 837 The Mover Shaker

Katsuki wants to be self-reliant and prove his strength to the world like a typical 8. He takes pride in not easily being afraid, and refuses to show vulnerability even in the situations he finds himself to be startled. His 7-wing makes him constantly search for the next challenge to win. He loves challenges to the point that he is willing to gamble on his victory for its sake, such as asking Todoroki to use his fire on him during their battle in the sports festival. Katsuki does not only want to win, he wants his opponents to know that they are weaker than him. Unfortunately, Katsuki was not the healthiest 8 in the beginning of the show. He was extremely swaggering and ego-centric, wanting everyone to be behind him and not considering anyone his equal. Katsuki was the “boss kid” in middle school and imposed his visions about quirkless people on Midoriya.

Katsuki denies vulnerability in favor of maintaining his independence. He does not like appearing weak, to the point that he was deeply infuriated when Midoriya expressed concern for him as a child. He hates feeling like a fool, which he certainly did when he assumed that Midoriya had a quirk all along but kept it hidden from him. It seems like Katsuki’s obsessive competition with Midoriya stems from a desire of reestablishing his power over him. Katsuki is competitive with all his peers, but his competition with Midoriya is on a deeper level. His strong 3-fix makes him addicted to victory, perfectionistic, hard-working, and hard on himself when facing failure. However, he refuses to shape himself into something that fits society’s standards of a desirable hero in order to be successful. He speaks his mind freely without any fear of judgment. His 7-fix + 7 wing makes him impulsive, expressive, and always ready to jump into action.

#bnha #boku no hero academia #katsuki bakugo #character analysis #psychology #bakugo katsuki #my hero academia #mbti #estp #8w7 #837 tritype #tritype #typology #anime characters #anime #myers briggs

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realcube · 3 years

Text

her prince || fairytale au! iida x reader

summary: you disguise as a princess in order to get into a formal event at the palace with the intention of killing the king but then you encounter the prince, soon to be king, and he’s a bit more charming than you’d like to admit.

(a/n): idk this might be a royalty au! or perhaps a medieval au! but idek tbh

tw// fem! reader, poison, mentions of animal zapping, begging, a bit of meanie iida

“Why does (y/n) get to be the princess?” Your friend, and fellow member of the SOIR, whined from beside you. “She has the most peasanty features out of us all!”

Everyone else in the base groaned in union at her constant whining about the assigned roles, the ring leader of this operation — otherwise known as Katsuki Bakugo — finally broke his elongated silence as he previously seemed quite invested in whatever he was scribbling.

Suddenly, he shot up from his desk then proceeded to slam his fist against it, causing all of it’s contents to tremble, “Shut up! As if you’re one to talk about peasanty features, Mina!” He barked at the girl, his aggressive demeanour faltering once he noticed how his hostility caused you to wear an alarmed expression.

“We need her natural charm on the field, anyway.” he muttered, hastily sitting back down at his desk. Kirishima, Sero and Kaminari all had to do their best to suppress their snickers and focus on the tasks they had been given. However, they were all struggling as it was simply comedy gold to see their boss have such an evident crush on (y/n) but simultaneously be so far deep in denial for the sake of his pride.

Bakugo grabbed the scroll he had been writing on for the last few hours and held it up to display what looked like a numbered list, written in cursive. Therefore, you were unable to read it. In fact, none of you were able to read it; Bakugo was the only literate one among you, hence the reason why he immediately assumed leader of this operation even though it was originally your idea.

Upon noticing all of your blank expressions as you stared at what looked like a glorified piece of paper, he cleared his throat so he could begin explaining what he wrote to you. “I wrote out the plan-of-action for us to follow tomorrow but I forgot that you are all dunces so I’m going to have to read it aloud for you, aren’t I?”

You all nodded in unison which was promptly followed by Bakugo rolling his eyes once more and turning to read the plan.

“SOIR — stage one in (the) revolution — plan of action. Written and led by Katsuki Bakugo, soon to be King Explosion Murder!” He smiled to himself but it was accompanied by a chorus of groans from the rest of you.

“Step one; Kaminari steals a horse from his dad’s farm at exactly 5:15PM, rides it to the outskirts of the village so Sero can hook it up to the carriage. Meanwhile, Mina will assist (y/n) in putting on her gown and help ensure Kirishima puts on his suit and make-up properly. Afterwards, both parties will meet up by the carriage.

Step two; Sero will be coachman for the carriage to take (y/n) and Kirishima to the castle. Take the desired route and you should arrive at the palace by 6PM.

Step three; Sero will drop off Kirishima and (y/n) then ride back to this base immediately, where Kaminari, Mina and myself will already be waiting. As for (y/n) and Kirishima, they will try to get into the palace and keep a low profile.”

You sighed, aware of how much Bakugo hates to be interrupted during his ‘serious monologue’, and you could tell it was one of those as he used your real names rather than the nicknames he’d given to you like ‘dunceface’ or ‘the pauper’. However, you just had to interject as you were yet to be filled in with some crucial information to your part of the operation.

“Bakugo,” You halted him as he finished his sentence, quickly averting your gaze to the floor as you had a habit of losing your train of thoughts as you looked into his fierce crimson eyes. “How are we supposed to get in? Are there any openings or secret passages you’ve located?” Your eyes widened in excitement at the idea that you could be like a proper assassin; using secret passages, going undercover, dealing with poison and all that good stuff!

“No.” Bakugo replied bluntly, instantly shooting down any dreams you had of this being a cool mission. “Security on the palace will extremely tight considering this is a royal event. Only people who received an invite from the palace — hence, on the guest list — are allowed in, but I’ve already dealt with that obstacle--”

“You mean I dealt with that obstacle!” Kaminari cut him off with an offended tone before turning to look at you and Kirishima. “I was the one who zapped that messenger raven out of the sky to steal the invitation!”

“Shut it, moron!” Bakugo barked, slamming his fist against the desk once again to grab everyone’s attention, his palm emitting tiny, and very much illegal, explosions. He slowly shifted his gaze on to you and spoke in an eerily soft tone, “Anyway, you and Kirishima will go under the aliases of ‘Princess Momo Yaoyorozu from the Yaoyorozu isles, and company’. So you will be able to waltz right in there, just don’t act suspicious.”

“How come (y/n) gets a cool, noble name and I am just ‘company’. Also, if my role is unspecified then why do I have to be her father? Can’t I just be her brother or something so I don’t have to wear that silly old-person wig?” Kirishima whined, immediately followed by Bakugo glaring daggers at him.

“No, idiot, you have to be her father. If you dress as an old man then you’d be more likely to get in close proximity to the King.” Bakugo replied, impatience laced in his voice. He prided himself in coming up with such a logical excuse on the spot when in reality, the reason he wanted Kirishima to dress up as an old man was to guarantee that you don’t fall for him while on this mission. I mean, no matter how ravishing Kirishima was, how could you find him the least bit attractive while he looked like he was on the brink of extinction?

Kirishima grumbled inaudible curses under his breath as he slumped back in his chair defeatedly. Followed by Bakugo trying to resume his lecture but ceasing to do so as the familiar sound of groans erupted from all of you.

“You’ve been over the last part of the plan, like, ten times already. Just today!” Mina pointed out, folding her arms of her chest and jutting her bottom lip out in disapproval.

Sero hastily agreed with the girl, “Yeah! Here, I’ll summarise it for you.” Sero snickered before clearing his throat to prepare for his Bakugo impression, “ ‘You guys will sneak poison into the King’s quiche or whatever then I, King Explosion Murder, will come marching in to save the day and reclaim the land by declaring myself the new king! Bow to me, peasants!’ ”

You and Mina both giggled at Sero’s rather accurate, yet satire, impersonation of the leader himself. While Kaminari and Kirishima both jokingly bowed to Sero, robotically muttering ‘all hail, king explosion murder.’

“Hey! Quit it!” Bakugo bellowed, furrowing his eyebrows as he clasped his hand together and pressed inwards, forcefully repressing his urge to blow up the whole fucking base. “I’m not going to go over the plan again so if one of you dumbasses mess it up tomorrow then you’re getting a boot to the face, got it?”

“Yes, Lord Explosion Murder.” You all said monotonously in concert.

“You’re all fools!”

»»—————-　♔　—————-««

Step one, two and three had went smoothly. It almost seemed to good to be true.

Kaminari successfully managed to borrow the horses without anyone noticing, Mina did a spectacular job of making Kirishima look like an old man — as well as the skilful embroidery on your dress — and Sero managed to drive you here with all your limbs still intact.

As for you and Kirishima, you both mastered the role of snobby aristocrats surprisingly fast, considering you both came from extremely deprived families. But it was as if the lifestyle just came naturally to you, hence you were both able to enter the castle without a problem.

However, no amount of acting expertise would allow you to hide the star-struck look which took over your features as you admired the massive Corinthian hall which you had the honour of stepping into. Crystal chandeliers hung from the ceiling, providing light along with the pale candles which sat in the alcoves of the walls. The roof was jaw-droppingly high and was expertly painted with detailed images of religious scenes; angels, the virgin mary, jesus, fairies, dragons, everything.

At the other side of the hall sat none of than the King himself, looking smugly upon the crowds of people that filled his ballroom as he sat upon his extravagant throne, made of gold mined by slaves and welded together by citizens of the kingdom who were currently in poverty, but who the king also claimed to care so deeply about.

Disgusting. Consequent to seeing that evil vermin, your look of awe immediately dropped.

Your eyebrows knitted together as you simply could not avert your gaze from that man and his generally villainous demeanour that everybody just seemed to ignore. With a sigh, you leaned back against a pillar and mused, “Ugh, look at that vile creature just sitting here like he owns the place, just wait until he gets a taste of his own medicine. Right, Kirishima?”

You spoke, spinning your head around to look at your red-haired partner after you received nothing but a muffled ‘huh?’ as an answer. “What do you mea- oh!” you instantly cut yourself off upon realising that who you were spilling your plans to was not Kirishima but rather some dashing young man who was currently stuffing his was with damper bread.

“I- I am so sorry, sir. I thought you were someone else. Erm, uh, I shall take my leave now.” You stuttered, swiftly turning on your heels to bolt off in search of Kirishima but you were stopped in your tracks by the man scarfing the last piece he was holding to offer out his hand to you.

“No need to apologise! I, too, mistook you for someone else. That is why I was eating so gluttonously in your presence, my apologies.” He said, leaning forward into a bow to press a gentle kiss on your chuckles once you gave him your hand.

“I’m Tenya Iida, by the way. It’s a pleasure to meet you!” He spoke, his tone suddenly becoming a lot less formal after he straightened up from his bow while slowly retracting his hand. “And would I be right in assuming that you are Princess Yoayorozu of the Yoayorozu Isles?”

Now that he was standing straight, without a pudding in his hand, you could take a moment to discretely examine him. He stood tall with his shoulders back and his head high to perfectly balance his glasses on the bridge of his nose, everything about his posture screamed ‘royalty’, not to mention his blue undercut which was slicked back into a loose comb-over. As for his outfit, he wore a white shirt along with a royal blue tie which complemented his blazer which was a similar shade, with the kingdom’s crest positioned on the left hand side of his chest. There was also his straight-legged navy trousers, his black derby shoes and his matching designer watch but what really brought the outfit together was his bold, enchanting smile.

You blinked a few time as it took a moment for that name to register in your mind but once it, you nodded rapidly in response. “Ah, yes, that would be me.” You chirped casually until his name finally clicked in you’re head, “Wait, are you Iida Tenya like- the king’s son Iida Tenya or?” You inquired, trying to act ‘casual’ as if you hadn’t been practising many week preparatory for today but the nervous look in your eyes was unconcealable.

Iida couldn’t help but chuckle at how bewildered you seemed while asking that question, “Well, yes, unfortunately.” He mumbled the last part but it was still said clearly enough for you to hear. “As you are probably aware, today is my coronation. But to say that I’m dreading the crowning is an understatement.”

You quirked an eyebrow at this new information. Well, it wasn’t really knew. The whole of SOIR knew that the formal event was going to the coronation for the new king. Hence, you and Kirishima were made aware that you had two targets to eliminate, but if you had known that the to-be king was such a cutie nice guy then perhaps you would’ve fought his case.

Logically speaking though, for this plan to work, both targets had to be eliminated. It was pointless to only poison the current king, as the crown would already be Tenya’s since the dinner which you planned to spike was going to be served after the crowning. And if you only poisoned Iida, not only would that upset you but the king would simply hand his status over to Tensei, who had been pushed back in the line for the crown due to his impairments after leading and fighting in many wars.

But, how could you kill Tenya when he was just so...charming?

None the less, somebody had to it. The lives of many citizens were in your hands tonight, as success would lead to improved situations for all. Once the monarchy is gone, there will be nobody stopping you from using your quirks freely! Plus, the royals would no longer hoard all the luxury and wealth of the kingdom, so everybody would be able to lead happy lives, free from financial burdens.

The list goes on but for now, you just had to look that fetching prince right in the eyes and think to yourself, ‘he’s the reason i’m poor’; which was easy to believe considering that the watch adorning his left wrist was probably worth enough to free your whole family from poverty.

It somewhat worked, but not really. The way his honeyed crimson eyes would gaze into your own was enough to make your heart flutter but you mentally reassured yourself that you were most definitely not falling and heart palpitations were just a symptom from your lack of sleep.

“Anyway,” Iida began once more, the tips of his ears heating up as he realised that he had been staring at you for an elongated amount of time. “It has been lovely speaking to you today but it’s about time that I take my leave, duty calls.” He said, mentally scolding himself for being such a creep and hoping that you paid no mind to his lengthened gaze.

“Ah, alright, I wouldn’t want to keep you any longer than needed.” You sung, awkwardly fidgeting with your fingers as you recalled the ‘manner classes’ Bakugo made you and Kirishima take part in to help you avoid instances like this where you had no clue how to formally end an interaction, with a prince of all people.

It was a long shot but it was your best guess. You swiftly grabbed Iida’s hand, pulled it up to your face and before he had time to react, you planted a kiss on his knuckles — just like had done to you — before bolting off into the sea of aristocrats to go find Kirishima. Leaving Iida standing, blushing more than ever, slightly confused but mostly amused.

“She’s really something.” He muttered to himself, scratching the side of his neck before hurriedly marching towards the throne, in search of his brother.

Although their interaction was brief, Iida would be lying if he said he wasn’t silently praying that he’d run into the girl again.

»»—————-　♔　—————-««

Step 4 went perfectly.

‘mingle for exactly 10 minutes until food preparation. Then, (y/n) will use her quirk to sneak into the kitchen while Kirishima distracts anyone that could catch her in the act.’

Bakugo’s gruff voice echoed throughout your head like that of a siren, as you waited for the perfect opportunity to spike the three large, extravagant platters of food laying on the golden trolley which was rumoured to deliver all three of the king’s daily meals.

At first you thought you had an issue as you had no idea which meal belonged to which person, they all looked almost identical, meaning that you might accidently poison the wrong meal, hence murder Tensei in vain. However, then you recalled a piece of wisdom Bakugo had given you offhandedly once, ‘y’know, there’s a tradition in this kingdom stating that the elders should be served the most salad on the side of a dish — so hand over your cucumbers, bitch!’

So with that in mind, your arm emerged from the shadows once most of the cooks had cleared from the kitchen to tend to other duties, and you dropped some of the poison into the dish with the most salad and the dish with the least to ensure that Tensei got to see the light of tomorrow.

I mean, you could’ve just poisoned all three to avoid doing all that critical thinking but not only was it risky, you also kind of had a soft spot for Tensei despite the fact he was basically double your age.

Utilising the shadows as your disguise, you stuck out of the kitchen yet you were unable to find a pathway back into the ballroom since there were just so many chefs crowding around the entrance to kitchen. You were sure to get caught if you exited the shadows from there but luckily, there was alternative.

There was a back door of the kitchen which led out into the grand garden, allowing the chefs to waft the smoke out and into the open air, if needed. So through the shadows, you were able to sneak out into the garden without being noticed by a single person.

Or so you thought.

As you jumped out of the shadows and swiftly turned a corner to look for a route back into the palace, you were greeted by a familiar face that wore an incredibly stunned expression. From behind their glasses, they squinted to try recognise you through the dark night.

“Oh, Ms Yaoyorozu.” Iida chuckled, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck as he realised that it was you he had bumped in to during his attempt at ditching his own coronation. Also, since he had just witnessed you doing a rather illicit act. “I’m not sure if you were ever made aware, but quirk usage is very much forbidden in this kingdom.”

You blinked rapidly, surprised at how oddly level-headed he was being about having just watched you sneak out of the kitchen, “Oh-” you choked, looking around to see if anybody else was around but the coast seemed to be clear; well, as far as you could tell, but that wasn’t easy considering the foggy night appeared to fleece everything. “I am so sorry. I was never told about such rules but I’ll be su--”

“Yes, you were.”

There was a while of silence between the two of you. To say you were taken aback was a understatement, why was he suddenly so confrontational? And why did he say that with such a nasty look in his eyes? Does he know something you do not? Even though you had only met him barely an hour ago, you could still tell that his comment was quite out-of-character. Hence you were hardly able to stammer out a reply, “W-w- um, was I?”

The tip of Iida’s lips twitched upwards as examined your bewildered expression; it brought him infinite amounts of amusement at how ignorant you must’ve thought he was to imagine that he could fall for your silly little ploy.

“Yes. Well, I mean, Ms Yaoyorozu had knowledge of these laws; the rules of the kingdom were attached to the invite, but you’ve made it rather clear that you’re not Yaoyorozu.” The words rolled off his tongue, each one sharper than the last; he didn’t plan on calling you out on your impersonation tonight but as his eyes skimmed over the terrified expression on you face, he was immensely glad that he did.

“So, tell me, who are you? Other than a scum-of-the-earth imposter that deserves to rot in slums for the rest of their poor, pathetic life.

You faltered slightly at his threat before blurting out, “Momo’s cousin.”

Iida snorted, but quickly tried to force a serious scowl back onto his features, “Exactly how gullible do you think I am?”

At this point, you were at a loss. The prince stood angry in front of you; meaning that it only took a yell for most of the guards in the palace come marching over to you, before tossing into the dungeon cell which you would have no choice but to call home for the rest of your life.

So if you didn’t act fast and wisely, this could be the last moment of freedom you’ll ever experience.

Throwing away your pride, you dropped to your knees in front of the prince, leaning forward to press your forehead against the shining tops of his derby shoes as you cried, but not loud enough to catch the guard’s attention.

“Please, your highness! I- I’m just a kid; like you! I swear I wasn’t here to cause trouble, I just--” your pleas were cut off by your own saliva getting temporarily caught in your throat but this gave you the opportunity to conjure up a believable excuse.

“I just--” you repeated, desperately attempting to come up with something until you mindlessly blurted out, “I just wanted to feel like royalty! Please give me another chance!”

Iida eyes widened at this; was it too far-fetched to believe that you created an elaborate plan to sneak into the palace, all for the ‘aesthetic’? Perhaps. But the way your glossy, sorrow-filled eyes looked up at him from the ground made his heart sink to his stomach while a sickly feeling ascended to his throat.

He felt so guilty.

In a moment of panic, he used his power to threaten and frighten a poor girl to the point where she was now begging for life on the paving beneath him. Although you were technically a felon, there seemed to be no malicious intentions behind your crime so why should you be prosecuted for it? Yet Iida still used his status to instil fear into you, solely to feel superior.

Perhaps he is not as different from his father as he once thought; a horrible feeling really, as Tenya despised no one more than that man. Iida wants no association with him or the horrible monocracy established in the kingdom. Which is why he chose to run away from his coronation. He hoped to fake his own kidnapping for a few weeks, then he’d come out of hiding and pray that Tensei had been given the crown instead.

He couldn’t bare seeing you on the dirty ground any longer so he hastily took your hand to assist you in standing back upright, “It’s-- you’re pardoned, just please come with me. This’ll only take a moment.”

At this point you’d just go along with anything he said, under the assumption that if you disobeyed, you’d be banished. So you trailed behind him, his hand acting as your guide since you could hardly see past the tears which clouded your vision.

You both approached a white wooden gazebo with a matching pale metal bench, he quickly took a seat and pulled you down next to him, sandwiching your hand in-between his own and caressing the back with his thumb as he waited patiently for you blubbers to die down.

His lips fell into a frown as he watched you desperately wipe the tears away from under your eyes but smear your expertly applied mascara in the process, “My sincerest apologies; I don’t know what came over me.” He spluttered, harshly biting his bottom lip to silence himself.

You took deep breaths, hurriedly trying to compose yourself before the prince snapped at you again. So, once the tears had stop brimming in your eyes, you looked at him with a ready expression. However, your faint sniffles, red eyes and smudged make-up didn’t do a good job at reinforcing it.

“Alright,” Iida started, removing one of his hands from yours to push his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “I understa--”

“Are you going to imprison me?”

Iida choked on thin air, his eyes widening at your random — but seemingly genuine — inquiry. “Good heavens, no! Never! What makes you think that?” Was he really that menacing? He was only a prince and he was already using his authority for intimidation. Iida could only imagine how mad with power he’d become if he were to take the crown.

Good thing he wasn’t going to.

The reality of the situation you were in hit you like a truck as you caught a glimpse of the time from Iida’s designer watch since he had his hand resting upon your knee. You inhaled sharply, doing your best to compose yourself, “Sir-”

“No need to call me ‘sir’, I’m Tenya. Plus, we’re around the same age so ‘sir’ is hardly appropriate.” He chuckled, his lips forming a reassuring smile. In any other case, he’d go by Iida but he didn’t want you to associate him with his father in any sense, even if it was just by surname.

“Oh, how rude of me. I completely forgot to ask, what’s your name? And you have my word that I won’t do anything spiteful with this information.”

“I’m (y/n).” You replied without a second though, before continuing, “Your crowning is supposed to be in 10 minutes, correct? I think you should get going.” You hummed, trying your best to hide how tense and conflicted you were. If Iida doesn’t bugger off right now then he’s gonna miss the ceremony which will lead to a high chance of the event being rescheduled, therefore you’re going to have to act out this plan all over again! How many more messenger ravens does Kaminari need to zap?!

But on the other hand, there was some part of you that really didn’t want him to leave for some reason; perhaps you enjoyed his company a little more than you’d like to admit. Another part of you said that he doesn’t deserve to die, he’s too nice of a guy; then you remembered the evil, corrupt glint in his eyes as he told you about the fate he wished upon you just a few minutes ago, then you didn’t feel as bad.

Your kind reminder was met by Iida simply shaking his head, “Absolutely not! There is no way I can leave you after I said those horrible things. Plus, it’s not as if I want to be king, anyway.” He mumbled the last part but of course you heard it as his face was only a few inches away from yours.

“Why don’t you want to be king?”

Iida didn’t even hesitate to reply with the response that had been waiting on the tip of his tongue, “I shan’t participate in the monarchy. I plan on staying in hiding for a week before coming out, hopefully by then Tensei will be crowned king and I will get to lead the army instead.”

As soon as his plan fell from his lips, his eyes immediately widened. Why was he telling you this?! I mean, now that you knew his plan, once he ‘goes missing’ you could easily tell the king that this was part of his scheme all along, in which case the king wouldn’t crown Tensei and instead send out search parties for Tenya. But then again, why would the king listen to a pauper like you? No offence, it’s just that those who come from a lower social status are less likely to be allowed in the castle, and less likely to meet the king.

So he reasoned to himself that there was no harm in telling you his plan, but a part of him couldn’t help but wonder why he subconsciously felt comfortable enough to tell you in the first place. I mean, he’s only known you for an evening; surely there’s no why he’s caught feelings this fast, right?

Your heart skipped a beat upon hearing his circumstances, thinking that this was the end of SOIR, but the more you thought about it, you realised that perhaps this was a good thing.

This meant that — assuming the king eats the meal prepared for him regardless of the ceremony — the king will be dead so the only person you’d have to eliminate was Tensei who was widely known to be more lenient about the rules of the kingdom. I mean, he let his troops take a water-break during battle for goodness’ sake! Assassinating him should be a piece of cake, especially for the SOIR.

Also, this ensures that you won’t have to kill Tenya, which is a thought that made you oddly happy and relieved.

Sniffling quietly, you rubbed beneath your eyes to further mess up the eyeliner and mascara Mina had done for you. Then you hummed, “Oh, that’s cool, Tenya.”

“And I would like for you to be my bride once I emerge from hiding!”

You froze, blinking rapidly and inquiring further in hopes that perhaps you misheard him, “Huh? Your what?”

“Bride!” He chirped, scanning the baffled look on your face and figuring that he should elaborate, “See, I think it works in both of our favours; you get to live a somewhat royal life and I get to settle down with someone who my father did not pick out for me. Plus, though I’m no love expert, I can definitely feel something special between the two of us. I hope that’s not just me being a fool. But anyway, I completely understand if you refuse, marriage is a huge commitment.”

Even after he finished explaining, you still sat there staring at him, absolutely flabbergasted that he really just asked you to marry him. Also, quite shocked that there was a scarily large part of you that wanted to accept his offer.

“Tenya, we literally just met a few hours ago.”

“Six, to be exact.” he corrected you, accompanied by a little shrug as to say ‘who cares?’

“And we are both sixteen.” You continued to rationalise but talking to Iida when he’s dead-set on something was like talking to a brick wall; a brick wall that provided logical arguments, the worst kind of wall.

“The average life expectancy in this kingdom is 35 years of age so if you think about, we’re basically half way through our lives already. Why not settle down?”

Although, his statements were annoying as hell, the charming smile that decorated his face while he spoke was enough to convince that he was right. Despite the fact those statistics were clearly a sample from the lower class; royalty would obviously live to a much higher age. Plus, he was definitely correct about the special feeling between the two of you, like you have genuinely never felt more endeared by a person’s presence before, especially after they were just wishing hellfire upon you a few minutes ago. six, to be exact

As he sat there and exchanged a longing gaze with you, the voice in your head that wanted you to accept his proposal was getting larger and larger by the second, drowning out the voice that strictly wanted to put an end to his clownery and that voice sounded eerily like bakugo. You’re a woman of logic, and logic says you should accept. Because, if you say no, there’s no turning back and you’ll probably never get another opportunity like this again in your life. But if you say yes, you have two whole weeks to make up your mind as to whether you actually want to marry him or not, and if you don’t, you can always break up with him after he comes out of hiding. Additionally, you’ll be able to go back to the base and confer with the SOIR as to what you should do. Also, you were kinda in love with him, but logic disregards love.

Iida moved his hand from your knee to hold both of your hand in his own while his gaze filled with yearned remained locked onto your eyes, he’s truly never seen anyone more beautiful before. Despite the fact you make-up was ruined, tears were stained to your face and mascara was smeared under your eyes, you still looked ten times more divine than any queen he’s ever seen.

“So, (y/n), what do you say?”

#bnha iida #iida x you #iida x y/n #bnha x reader #tenya fluff #mha tenya #tenya x y/n #my hero academia iida #bnha royalty au #iida royalty au #iida tenya #tenya x reader #tenya x you #iida imagine #tenya imagine #tenya iida

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mmand0 · 3 years

Text

gravel & wine.

Chapter Two: Fuego

Rating: 18+

TW: violence, alcohol

Notes: Chapter One: Colombia

Word Count: 2,000+

Notes: this fic is also on AO3 under nyraren

It has been two months since your arrival, and things are definitely not the same as the shit you went through back in California. There was a lot more blood. So many bodies... It made you sick every night. You didn't usually drink every day, but things change you suppose. The first few weeks wasn't so bad. More briefs, reading, tracking down files, et cetera. You spent every afternoon in the bathroom for about ten minutes to recharge in silence, then grabbed lunch with the boys. At night, you found yourself either by yourself driving around with the car the embassy assigned to you, or eating dinner with Javi. He was good company most nights. He was helping you with your Spanish and learning about Colombian culture while the two of you eat your dinner. Sometimes when you had a long day, you would order beer and took walks around the neighborhood with him. You always invited Murphy and his wife, but he usually declined. Part of you always hoped he would decline so you could be alone with Javi. He was easy on the eyes and he tends to flirt with you, but you liked to pretend to not notice. Besides, you had to be professional. Right?

Overall, Colombia and work were fine. There were a few heated arguments between the three of you, but it was always resolved. The boys were beginning to get used to you and your personality, and you got used to theirs. Routine was beginning to form in the office and after work hours. It was good; maybe even healthier compared to working with the DEA in California. On this particular afternoon, the three of you found yourselves sitting around, noses deep into files, the briefing room filled with smoke. You were sitting on the floor, legs crossed, a file in one hand while the other was rubbing the back of your neck. Murphy was standing in front of the board with his hands on his hips, and Javi sat on the table a cigarette between his lips. His eyes stared at the photographs and strings connecting the various cartel members to locations and events, but sometimes you could have sworn he stole glances at you.

Today's outfit of choice was a black blouse paired with dark jeans and brown boots. You put your hair into a messy twisted bun- your signature look when working. Perhaps it was out of boredom, or perhaps it was you testing whether Javi truly was looking at you, you decided to fuck with him a bit. So, with your fingers, you slowly dragged it all over your chest, pretending it was just a mindless act as you studied the files. Every time you did it, Javi would shift in his seat or clear his throat. Every now and then you would bite your thumb. Just fun and games, you'd think as you suppressed a smirk. Before you could do anything else, the phone rang. The three of you turned to the phone, hearts beating quickly. Murphy got to it first.

"Murphy. What?"

Pause.

"Where?"

Pause.

"We're on it."

Click.

"Let's go," he said, grabbing his gun from the table.

"What's going on?" you asked as you scrambled to get up.

"Poison was spotted."

You and Javi exchanged looks and followed Murphy. You grabbed your guns, bulletproof jackets, and sunglasses, then Javi began barking orders at groups of police officers. Here we go. The three of you hurried to Javi's car- Murphy got shotgun and you in the back. The adrenaline surged in your body as your team headed to the location. This was the kind of shit that made you stay in the profession. That and... well, that's a story you hate to think about. Javi drove as quickly as he could, careful not to go too fast. He parked a block away from the building. It looked like a brothel. Through a window, you spotted Poison walking across the room talking to someone.

"There!" you whispered, leaning in your seat. The boys nodded.

"You ready, California?" Murphy asked.

"I have to be."

"Good."

Javi radioed the officers and gave specific instructions. The rush of the adrenaline gave you a high better than the buzz of any cigarette. Police officers surrounded the area- there was no way these guys could escape. The three of you made your way to the front of the building, motioning the women to stay quiet. Murphy led the way while you and Javi followed. You were nearly on the same floor as Escobar's men when one of his men came out of one of the rooms. Bullets began to fly, and the sounds of screaming echoed through the building.

"GO!" Javi yelled as you and a few officers ran after the suspects. You could hear Poison and at least two others running for the roof. "THEY'RE HEADING UP! COVER ME!" you yell as you shot at the first man you ran into. Missed. The three of you and two other officers hurried to the rooftop. More bullets flew past your team. Nearly there. Murphy was faster than you, and by the time you were at the top, he was already chasing Poison. You paused to find where the other two suspects were, but before you could even move, you felt Javi pull you against him as a bullet flew by your head.

"Keep your head in the fucking game, Y/N. Go!"

You nodded and began running after the one who shot you. You never actually killed anyone... At least not on purpose. There has only been one incident where you managed to kill someone, but the guy didn't die from the bullet. He survived and was taken to the hospital, but died from blood loss. It didn't count. As you, Javi, and Murphy chased the men on the rooftops, you couldn't help but think of the worst. Be smart. Tire him out, you thought as you ran. The man kept shooting, but missed every time. He led you through a building, pushing obstacles in your way. As quickly as you could, you maneuvered your way around it and followed him to the street. He was getting tired. There it was: your moment. The man stopped for a good few seconds, and that was enough for you to aim your gun.

"STOP! FREEZE!" you yelled. He turned, gun pointed at you. "DROP YOUR FUCKING WEAPON!"

"VETE A LA MIERDA PERRA!" He tried to shoot at you, but you were able to duck behind a brick wall in time. Then you heard the best sound you could imagine: click, click, click. He was out and this was it. You leaned enough to shoot the man. It was a blur. You saw him fall back as the bullet penetrated his head. Three police officers approached the body, guns at the ready while you took a moment to breathe. Were you even breathing this whole time? You could feel the acid climbing up your throat. The look the man had on his face burned in your mind. He wasn't afraid... He was ready. It was survival of the fittest here, and death was a better road to take than being captured.

Around the corner, you could hear Javi calling for you. It felt as though the world began to spin as you hunched over to vomit. Beads of cold sweat ran down your forehead as you emptied your stomach. The chunks of human flesh and brain etched in your memories forever. You murdered someone. There was no going back. Javi came to your side, strong hands grabbing your shoulders.

"Get your shit together, Y/N. Come on," he said, forcing you to stand.

"Where's Murphy?"

"Back at the front. Poison got away."

"What about the other guy?"

"Gone."

You wiped your mouth with the back of your hand, and stood to face Javi. You were pale and the look of shock frozen in your eyes. He softened his expression and stared at you for a few seconds. "You did good, California. You did good."

The ride back to the office was extremely quiet. You could feel Javi and Murphy's frustration with Poison's escape, but there was no one to blame. They were all snakes and eels. They had eyes and men everywhere. Night had fallen by the time the three of you finished the reports needed for today's events. Murphy was quiet the whole evening, silently tapping on the typewriter. Javi kept a close eye on you, offering you a cigarette from time to time which you gladly took every single time. You were still pale from shock, but you managed to get through the paperwork. Murphy finished his report, bid farewell, and headed out the door before anyone could say goodbye. You had finished yours earlier, but you hadn't moved from the desk. You couldn't stop thinking about what you had done.

"Come on," Javi said, putting his leather jacket on.

"What?"

"Just come on," he said, offering his hand to you.

"Where-"

"No questions. Come on."

You grabbed your gun and took his hand. He noticed how cold and clammy you were and gave you a gentle squeeze. He let go as soon as you stood and led you to his car. "Leave your car here. Let's take mine." In the car, you began chewing on your thumbnail, eyes glazed.

"First time?"

"What?"

"First time killing someone?"

You nodded and sighed heavily. "I don't know what I was expecting... I didn't think I would be that weak."

Javi shook his head. "You're not. I promise you, you're not."

"Does it get easier?"

"No."

"Where are we going?"

"The store. Stay in the car."

Javi turned a corner and parked in front of a liquor store. You didn't notice how long he was gone, but by the time he returned he had a bag filled with two different bottles of alcohol, a couple packs of cigarettes, and some kind of snack. Good idea, Javi. Drink my sorrows away. Javi parked the car across the street from the apartment and turned to you. "You don't have to come inside if you don't want to, but I think you shouldn't be alone tonight."

He was right. You were in no condition to be by yourself, and you needed company more than ever. Javi exited the car with the goods in hand, and motioned for you to follow him to his apartment. His home was simple. Not much decorations- very much a bachelor's pad. You took your shoes off and placed it by the door, and headed straight to the sofa. You wondered how many women went through those doors before untying your hair. Javi was in the kitchen looking for glasses and his ashtray.

"Gin or whiskey?" The only liquor that you really drank.

"You remembered."

"Of course I did."

"Gin. With lime if you have it."

Javi returned with a glass of gin for you and whiskey for him. He sat on the other sofa and opened the new pack of cigarettes. "Talk to me, California. How are you holding up?"

You sipped the gin, wincing slightly. "I don't know. I'm just in shock. It was... It was nothing I imagined."

"Of course not. Do you regret it?"

"No."

You reached for the pack of cigarettes, and Javi leaned to light it for you. You inhaled deeply and lifted your head towards the ceiling before letting the smoke curl out of your lips. "This shit is harder than I thought, Javi." You closed your eyes as you sucked on the cigarette again. "These guys... They're not scared of death." You sat up and ran a hand through your hair. "What the fuck am I doing here? I vomited. I was weak-"

"Stop. You get used to it, Y/N. It won't ever get easier, but you'll get used to it."

You moved towards the end of the sofa, closer to Javi. "What's your secret?" You asked, drinking more of the gin. Javi leaned towards you, noses nearly touching. The smell of whiskey and cigarette escaped his lips. Maybe it was liquid courage, but before he could answer, your lips were on his. Careful not to burn anything, you did your best to put your cigarette out. You felt his hands find its way to the back of your neck, gripping it tightly. He could probably feel your pulse quickening as his tongue traced your lips. A moan hummed in your chest as his tongue entered yours.

Fuck.

#javier pena x reader #javier pena #narcos fanfic #pedro pascal

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ansgar-martinsson · 4 years

Text

The Best Intentions - Part 30

“Think on it,” Ansgar said. “Maybe even talk to your sister about it. She knows me. She knows how I work.”

Elias’ face fell into an odd, unreadable expression. He kept silent for a long moment, and when he smiled, the light did not reach his eyes. When he spoke, his words were a whisper - not angry, but intent. “She knows how you… work, eh?” His eyes narrowed. “Does she now?”

A shard of ice stabbed down Ansgar’s back - a familiar jolt, one that, as it melted, brought back a wave of memory. A memory of Rufus Valentine, of Faye’s brother, when he’d made a similar challenge. A similar challenge which had led to a deep friendship while he was married to Faye. A similar challenge which, when things fell away, had led to a threat of death upon their next meeting - should they ever meet again. Which Ansgar hoped they would not.

He hated the idea of having to kill the man.

And now, he saw the beginnings of the same from Elias. The natal spark. It froze Ansgar, his beer glass hovering, his hand unmoving, his facial muscles stiff, eyes rock hard and boring into the other man. It took a moment before Ansgar moved, but what made the shell of ice break away was the sudden flash of fear in the other man’s eyes. Ansgar lowered his mug and set his hands flat upon the table, considering, thinking.

And finally, he let his breath out. Here we go again… He relaxed. He smiled, the alcohol in his blood easing him. He spoke. “Look, friend….”

But Elias cut him off. “Answer my question, Martinsson. Exactly what knowledge does… does my sister have about you?”

Ansgar smirked, glaring at Elias through the sides of his eyes. He leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “Careful, Elias. I see that nasty little question just sitting there on the tip of your tongue,” he sneered. “If you’re as buzzed as I am, you might just ask it. You might just say something stupid, something you’ll regret. And believe me, you’ll regret it.”

“I deserve to know. I’m her brother.”

Ansgar sighed. “Listen, man. My sister is four years younger than me. Her name is Leda. She lives here in Stockholm. Works as an interior designer and she’s talented as fuck. In fact, I use her on my own projects from time to time. She’s a bit of an entitled, spoilt little bitch, but I love her dearly. Anyway, my brother and I, we are both fully involved in her life. I know, at any time, who she’s seeing. I know who she’s dating. I know who she’s fucking. Follow me?”

Elias’ eyes widened. “I do,” he spat.

“Good,” Ansgar squinted and gave a curt nod. “So, know this. Should anyone, any man, or any woman for that matter, ever hurt her, in any way, shape or form, I will hunt that person down and put a bullet in their brain, and don’t think I am speaking in hyperbole because I am most certainly not.”

He paused, then, letting the sentiment sink in, glaring at Elias through lowered, narrowed eyes. He relished in the renewed wash of apprehension that slid over Elias’ features. He knew he was frightening him - but moreso in gaining the man’s respect rather than driving him to somehow forbid Ansgar’s relationship with Joline.

It was a fine line that Ansgar trod. And he knew it.

He took a sip of beer. “The only reason I know the identity of those persons who fuck my sister is because she tells me. She’s honest with me and… and… and open with me, and that honesty comes only in her own time and on her own terms. I neither force her to tell me these things nor do I ask those whom I suspect have carnal knowledge of her. Do you see where I’m going with this, Elias?”

Elias nodded and swallowed.

Ansgar smiled. “Good, I’m glad you do. So then,” he instructed, “the first lesson learnt is that I understand entirely where you’re coming from. I get you. I’m an older brother, too. I respect your feelings about me, about Joline, about this whole situation.”

“Fine. And the second lesson?”

“If you want to know whether Joline and I are…,” he cleared his throat, pulled a face, and and gestured with a subtle vulgarity, “… well, don’t you think you ought to ask her, instead of me? Or simply wait for her to tell you? Out of respect for your sister and out of respect for your own career.”

Elias frowned, confused. “My… c-career?”

Ansgar nodded slowly, humming a tight lipped “mmm hmmm,” prodding the man to think. He kept his eyes on Elias but hid his face behind a long pull of his beer.

“Oh,” Elias nodded sagely. “I get it. You just laid the possibility of this lucrative, cushy job right at my feet, and now I’m… I’m….”

“Acting the unappreciative arsehole big brother,” Ansgar chuckled. His next words were sharp and cutting, but he spoke them with a smile and a lighthearted air. “I can elevate your career to new heights, my friend. But at the same time, if you somehow end up on my bad side… I can ruin it.”

Elias laughed nervously. “Look, Ansgar,” he leaned forward, elbows rest heavily upon the table. “All I want to know is… is… is what your intentions are toward my sister. You’ve been in the news lately, with your wife and –”

Ansgar lifted a hand. “Don’t you dare mention her. Not now. Not ever.”

Elias slinked back into his chair and sipped absently at his beer. “Fair enough,” he said, “but I… I can’t help but be concerned. I’ve heard… things about you.”

“That’s in the past,” Ansgar declared. “Far, far in the past. Things… circumstances… hardships have changed me. Enlightened me, so to speak. I can assure… assure you that my intentions toward your sister are nothing but honorable. I like her a great deal, and I care for her.” He swallowed down a belch. “I’d do anything for her, anything.”

“Even hire her unappreciative arsehole big brother?”

“If it means that I get the benefit of your talents, then yes. If it means giving you a path to more income, to give Joline some reprieve from taking care of your mother, then yes. If it means giving your boys more opportunities, more for their education, more time with their… their father, then yes.”

Elias shook his head quickly, blinking in surprise. “You know… about our mother?”

Ansgar nodded. “I know she’s ill, and gravely so. I know Joline’s caring for her. She hasn’t told me as much, hasn’t shared that with me, but I know it nonetheless. She’ll tell me when she’s ready, I’m sure of it, but if there are things I can do behind the scenes to make her life easier, make things better for your mother, then I’ll do it.”

Elias stared, as stiff as Ansgar had been earlier. Only the thing that pierced him was not a shard of ice down his back. Rather, it was a warmth to his heart, a shock to his mind as he attempted to process what Ansgar had just told him.

And the gobsmacked look of him made Ansgar laugh. “Come on, man,” Ansgar guffawed. “I’m not that much of a dick. My reputation isn’t that terrible, is it?”

Elias chewed his bottom lip. “I guess not,” he said. “I just never expected you to be so… so generous.”

“Funny,” he mused. “Joline said the same thing.” He paused for a moment, and the two men considered each other, sussed out the truths of each other, bolstered a new found respect for each other. A respect which Ansgar wanted to seal up, hold tight to, and commemorate. He lifted his hand, and with a quick gesture, summoned the server.

And the server responded immediately, bringing a bottle of Akvavit and two small, stemmed glasses. Ansgar thanked the man, and turned to Elias, gesturing at the setup on the table before them. “Please,” he said. “Do the honors. Pour for us. Pour, and we’ll sing and we’ll drink to our new friendship.”

“I’m not sure I can do this. These fancy to-dos, I’ve always been removed from them… at the theatre, I mean. As house manager, even though I plan these events, I’m not really involved, other than looking to make money for the theatre.”

Rose looked at her new friend with compassion, “You’re unsure because this is personal… and you like him.”

Joline wanted to deny it, wanted to preserve herself, wanted to maintain her dignity and save face. She threw barrier after barrier after stonewall after obstacle to keep Ansgar at, the very least, arm’s length away from her emotions. But if Rose read her that well, she’d already failed to keep him at a safe distance.

“Shit,” she muttered to her feet, her chin dropped to her chest. She kicked at a pebble in the grass with her summer blue heels. Where had she gone wrong? When did intense sexual attraction and chemistry become ‘it’s personal… and you like him’?

Rose chuckled again when she saw Joline’s reaction. She took a shot at what she thought she saw in Joline and the woman all but confirmed it. “Hey there, girl… honey. It’s happened to the best of us.” She caught Joline’s eyes. “We need to rub one out, satisfy Mother Nature’s physical itch to guarantee that the human race continues. Turn to the first person who… wets,” she winked, nodding to the conversation the previous night, “our female bits.”

“That happen to you?” Joline pulled out of her pout. Away from the scrutinizing looks and gossiping whispers, she felt more herself.

“You met Jacqui. She was my summer love affair… four years ago.” Rose linked her arm through Joline’s at the woman’s look of surprise. She followed the curve of the party setup, taking her friend with her. “Don’t be so shocked.”

Joline leaned her head on Rose’s shoulder, their pace leisure and unhurried despite the heavy beat from the rock music coming for the arcade area of the picnic. “How clichéd to catch the feelings for my partner.”

“I shudder to think,” Rose laughed at Joline’s statement, sarcasm dripping from each syllable.

“Tell me, tell me about you and Jacqui,” Joline begged, wanting the distraction more than to spill her guts to her friend about what was happening with her.

“An intern, she was, my Jacqui. We tried to hate each other. I hazed her shamefully.” Rose yanked Joline along to a shelter to sit down. “Let’s sit and chat. The sun is lobstering my face, I can feel it.” The two women stepped under the safety of the natural shade of the all wood gazebo.

Joline pulled her skirt down as she folded herself onto the bench that lined the inside. “So what happened? How did you turn up the temperature?”

Rose leaned back, stretched her legs out in front of her, and stacked one ankle over the other. “Jacqui looks delicious in green.”

“Huh?”

“A heated argument over some basic risotto ended her in wearing the shit. I… ahem… licked—you can fill in the rest. We kept it under wraps for a bit, but feelings can’t be contained… or shoved in a freezer.”

Joline furrowed her brow and then burst out a laugh. “Her or you?”

Rose smiled, fully committing to the memory of it. “Me. A self-inflicted punishment to,” she raised her hands to demonstrate air quotes, “’cool down.’”

“Did it work?” Joline crossed one long leg over the other and crossed her arms.

“For those eleven minutes, it did. But here I am, four years later, just as hot for her now as I was after that time out.” Rose pursed her lips, reading Joline’s defensive body language, sensing her need to hear just why this story applied to her current situation. “Honey, it’s not cliché. It’s wonderful and awful, it’s amazing and terrifying, it’s empowering and painful. It’s all those things when you open up to something—ah! Someone new.”

Joline looked away, scanning the park away from the Martinsson Construction festivities, over the lawn and the trees and the everyday people milling around being normal. She sighed. “I was married before. I met him at university and married him a week after we graduated. I dated him for two years, married him at twenty-one, and divorced him ten years later.”

Rose studied her friend’s face for a long moment. The woman didn’t blink, her eyes glued to the horizon, steeled and dark as she relived her ancient history. “I get it now,” Rose announced with a sympathetic tile of her head. “You had your chance. Is that it? So what happens now? What happens to you now?”

“Secret hidden affairs that last a week, maybe a month at best,” Joline admitted sadly.

“Because you’ve… what? Decided?”

“It’s what I know to be true.” At least it had been since her divorce two years ago. “Nobody wants a divorcee.”

Rose clicked her tongue in her mouth in disdain, disappointed that Joline didn’t see the double standard in her own generalization. “You do. Ansgar is too.” She threw her hands up in frustration, in disgust.

“It’s different for men. He… I’m his lover, but there’s nothing more to it than that.”

The breeze made the trees sound of rain, but it didn’t reach the tense air within the gazebo. Their blue eyes warred over the truth, their own personal truths setting them on opposite sides. Joline knew her empty love affairs of the past two years. Rose had seen Ansgar’s previous marriage and how his dynamic with Joline appeared differently than any relationship that came before.

“He brought you here! His first public appearance since returning to Stockholm. That’s worth more than few tumbles in bed.”

Joline sat forward on the bench, hooking her hands over the edge, and hunching her shoulders in disbelief. “Or maybe it was easier for him not to answer questions about his ex-wife.”

“If that were true, you’d be plastered to his side. Where is your temporary lover?” Another heavy dose of sarcasm with so much emphasis on her pronunciation of temporary.

Jutting her chin in the other direction, Joline didn’t unfurl from her hunched, shell like position. “The VIP tent, with my brother.”

“Your brother?”

Joline confirmed it, shuffling her feet along the wood planks of the floor, wishing she knew what kept them so long. “He invited my brother, his wife and their kids, because he knew I’d object to it.”

Rose burst out a humor filled laugh, shattering the tension in the gazebo. She pushed to her feet, using her momentum to get up into Joline’s face. She pulled the woman out of her prickly, protective and neurotic pose onto her feet. “Honey, that’s foreplay!!” She tucked Joline’s hand under her own arm this time to get her in the center of the party.

“Wha—what do you mean?”

“He’s bringing your people closer into his circle. Schmoozing them, charming them… marking his territory around you, sweet cheeks. It’s all foreplay and pillow talk. You can take your maudlin nobody wants a divorcee crap elsewhere, honey. There’s no room for it here, not with his bullhead around.”

Joline stumbled to keep up with Rose as she made a beeline for the VIP tent, peeking in the windows to get a glimpse inside. The butterflies in Joline’s belly beat a southbound flight, making her slightly nauseous. Rose led them round to the flap inside and dragged her unwilling friend behind her into the tabled area.

Ansgar and Elias sat in the center, clinking their shot glasses together and knocking them back. Their raucous laughter drowned out the other ambient noise of the beer tent. And then there was the singing…. Out of tune, louder than sin and so much less melodic than any song that either woman ever had the displeasure of listening.

#the best intentions

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omo-kink-blog · 5 years

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Being a trans guy with a piss kink

So, this is kind of a result of this week for several reasons and about as personal as I will ever get, more than I ever expected to be on a social media platform.

It took fucking years to be okay with the piss kink that started off as only desperation and wetting, not watersports. I didn’t tell anyone because what’s the first kink people kinkshame? “It’s not like you’re into piss or anything, so it can’t be that weird.” At least three occasions in college I felt that terrible “but I am, but thanks for reminding me this isn’t a safe place for that,” in my friend group. Which was fine, I didn’t rely on their support for that. I knew and quite frankly wanted to be alone in that. I didn’t fantasize about friends or real people, it was mostly fictional characters, which led me to believe I was ace for quite some time.

So, from a young age, I’d had a fascination with standing to pee. I wanted to be able to do that from a very young age. I tried on a handful of occasions a few years before puberty. I was frustrated when I couldn’t do that, no matter what I tried. I kind of gave up after puberty. When I discovered I might be trans, it made sense but I wasn’t in a position to really do anything about it. When I realized I absolutely was trans, I tried some home made things that definitely didn’t work. When I was 21, I think, I invested in an STP device, a cheap ass one that was supposed to be somewhat easy to use. I’d already been binding and male presenting for at least a year, this was what I thought was my final obstacle to being comfortable being a man, if that makes any sense.

Some time before, I realized I was conditioned in a very negative way to not being able to use the men’s room. Thank fuck I was a trans guy and not a trans woman after reading the horror stories of trans women in women’s public restrooms or I don’t think I would be able to get over it.

I remember the whole “go with me” movement that was a thing. It works for women and I, at the time, would have gone with a trans woman into the women’s restroom (I did not pass as a man in any way, I definitely didn’t feel as though I belonged in men’s spaces, though using the women’s restroom gave me hella dyphoria). However, good fucking luck asking men to go to the bathroom with you because you don’t feel safe or comfortable. I’ve felt comfortable asking maybe 2 or 4 men to do that and I have never felt the need bad enough to ask them to accompany me. It was bad enough asking several coworkers if they’d be potentially comfortable enough to “allow me to use the men’s restroom,” followed by a conversation with my conservative male bosses about that topic. Yeah, fuck that. I’ll get to that, I guess.

I wasn’t one to willingly get desperate in public. It was more of a fantasy, so I didn’t appreciate not having access to a restroom, especially when I needed just a fucking moment of peace or simply just to fucking pee, wash my hands, or even blow my fuckin’ nose (mostly an issue at work at my current job).

In college, I had a group of friends who were cis men who were super supportive. One was from high school who wasn’t supportive to begin with but I came to be very close with him in college because he matured. Another was a straight male who was the definition of “ally.” He was the first person to use he/him pronouns in regard to me and the fucking lightbulb went off. I was not genderfluid, I could not be genderfluid. I was a man. There were other things in that span of time that clued me in but that was a big thing. I felt comfortable. I felt RIGHT when he used those pronouns with me. I asked my friend group to continue to do so. Given that there were many other trans people (binary and otherwise) changing their names and pronouns, it wasn’t a big deal at all. People messed up, /I/ messed up. It took quite some time and effort for myself to adjust to using the right pronouns and name. Even today, it takes effort to not immediately turn around to someone saying “ma’am” or “miss.” I haven’t heard my deadname outside of my house in years, so that’s not a big thing.

That same person who used the right pronouns for the first time has also traumatized me a great deal. I don’t think he meant to and I don’t think he knows. It still hurts and affects me more than I would like.

In college, this group of cis men decided to tell me it was okay that I used the men’s locker room to change to go swimming with them. Considering my university didn’t have a gender neutral locker room within probably 0.4 miles, a few buildings over, I didn’t really want to walk half a mile out of my way just to fucking change. Before this, I hyped myself up to use the men’s room, a single stall restroom, in the library, first at 3 in the morning when we decided to pull an all nighter. It was a big step. It may not have seemed like it to anyone else, but I was so conditioned that I felt odd using the men’s room in the library even if it was a single-stall. Often I used that restroom just to avoid the dysphoria of using the women’s room if I didn’t want to use the one gender neutral restroom on campus in the one buildings’ basement.

I trusted them at their word. Surely they knew and would be honest enough with me. If they didn’t feel comfortable enough to do so, they would have said so, right? So I took them at face value. I think it was only one of them with the issue but unfortunately his response masked those around him and now I kind of lump them all into one, as unfortunate as that is. I was alone on one side while the others were together on another side. At some point, I felt the need to ask a question, I guess, and went to the other side. Their response was pure discomfort at having me in the vicinity. My immediate response was understandment, which I fucking hate. It shouldn’t have been discomfort. I shouldn’t have understood and conceded in a way that made it seem like I didn’t belong there. My fucking FRIENDS should not have acted like I was a stranger who didn’t belong. They shouldn’t have told me they were okay with it when they clearly weren’t. I say they. I mean one person. I don’t specifically recall any other reactions because this one reaction was strong enough.

I didn’t dare enter another men’s room or men’s locker room for fucking ages, for a couple years, at least, until after I was on hormones.

So, fast forward to after college. I’m in a job where we take inventory of different places. This means we enter new buildings every day. Often they don’t have gender neutral restrooms. I started this job without being out as trans. My aunt had a major factor in me being brought on. She didn’t know so I had to tell her and then out myself to everyone else, all 60+ people that I work with on varying occasions. It was stressful. Before I even knew all of their names, I was awkwardly trying to out myself as trans.

I left a job where people had finally accepted I was trans. I had a boss who asked whatever came to mind without thinking they were offensive, which was fine with me. I’m used to being the first trans person people encounter, I’m used to the weird (maybe offensive), invasive questions. I answer because they’re mostly asked out of curiosity rather than malicious ignorance. I answer in a way that I hope shows that I’m okay with those types of questions but the next trans person they encounter may not be. I try to educate. My previous boss asked me if I would prefer them to put a lock on the door to the men’s room so I would feel comfortable using the men’s room. I never answered them, but their support was enough, honestly. I had another boss who apologized profusely for misgendering me, but she tried to get the right pronouns. She was one of those who apologized too much. I loved her and her effort, but I did not need the speech each time “It just takes time, it’s hard for me.” I completely get it, I still misgendered myself at the time, I certainly wasn’t going to judge others for doing the same goddamn thing. I didn’t appreciate the few people who didn’t even fucking try, but it’s whatever now.

I missed them when I started this job. I worked (work?) with a lot of men. I work with some women, but it’s a lot of cishet men who are older and white (comes with the area, I guess). They scared me. I did not want to come out to them. I wore buttons, I made jokes, I did pretty much anything to avoid straight-up saying “I’m a trans man, please use my pronouns.” Some caught on, some did not. Some that I thought would have issues caught on quite quickly (so quickly that they were gendering me correctly within a month of me starting hormones, so I definitely didn’t pass). I couldn’t hold it against people for misgendering me considering they met me as my aunt’s “niece.” My aunt’s response was “neice, nephew, doesn’t make any difference to me.” It was the best response I’d gotten from a family member, by far.

I started hormones a few months into this job. I wasn’t supposed to. I wasn’t supposed to start hormones while living at home, for fear of my grandmother finding out. My parent and I had an understanding. I broke that understanding. I was 22 and I did not want to wait anymore. I told them after I got my first shot. They were hurt initially but there wasn’t anything they could do. I was an adult and I had made my decision. Initially, they told me I needed to shave consistently and keep my voice high, but it hasn’t caused an issue so far. My grandmother has only noticed my hairy legs (which can easily be explained away with not shaving, I guess).

There was one team leader I enjoyed working with and I respected at this new job. He apologized for not catching on right away but I was only wearing buttons to out myself. I had/have a hard time telling people who met me as a woman. He still caught on quite quickly. He barely messed up with pronouns after he caught on. He never gave me the whole “it takes time,” thing. Men seemed to have more of an issue with me being a trans guy, so I kind of let my guard down with him being so accepting. I wasn’t used to men being so accepting of trans people. I developed feelings, but at this point I realized I had already realized I was poly and realized I cared more for his happiness than actually wanting to be with him, if that makes sense. I didn’t want to be with him, I wanted him to be happy with his relationship with his girlfriend and their kid. I appreciated his support at work and maybe relied on that a little too much at times (I broke down crying in front of him, something I regret, and talk to him about trans issues maybe a bit too much, because he’s one of the few that might be able to sympathize).

So, at some point we had a travel store that ended up being just me and him. He mentioned at some point, when we were almost there, that he needed to pee, you know, every person into omo’s fantasy. I took the opportunity to mention that he was lucky that he could just use the restroom without issue. We had a pretty nice discussion in which I expressed my desire to use the men’s room without repercussions. I talked to him about how he might personally feel, how those we work with might feel, and we were pretty much on the same page with it. He seemed more aware about trans issues than many other cis men I’d talked to. It was nice to have someone so aware but still so supportive at work. I found myself to be rather appreciative of this and the fact that I really appreciated his work ethic. Surprise, surprise, I ended up catching feelings, something I’ve been dealing with for the past year now. His kid and his girlfriend are fucking adorable and if anything happens to them, I’d hate life even more than I do now.

The more I learn about him, the more I hate it and myself. But that’s a different story. The reason I include him is this week.

I was working in one of his stores, as one does. Break time came around and I wanted to make sure no one else was in the restroom, so I waited a couple minutes. I’d been working with another older cis guy who kept referring to me as she/her, so I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t catch his attention using the men’s room. He’s a nice guy, but I don’t think he’s caught onto the fact I’m a guy. Additionally, I don’t want certain workers to see me use the men’s room. So, I waited a few minutes. Considering I really had to fucking pee, it was a process. I had drank water all night and had tea in the morning.. I have a pretty sizeable bladder, to the extent that it’s not a big deal to wait 8 or 12 hours. I was already self conscious about using a stall vs the urinal because fucking toxic masculinity, despite reading up on male etiquette. Right before I went in, the supervisor (who I know too fucking much about in this respect) and that one man were talking so I thought I could just slip away. 40 seconds later I hear shuffling. Now, I have issues exiting a stall after hearing someone come in. I don’t want people to see me in the men’s room. I’m fucking paranoid and think it’s the guy that has been calling me she/her all week. I exit anyway. Turns out it’s the supervisor. I instantly enter panic mode. I immediately think it’s because I have feelings and a piss kink and watched him drive desperate less than a week ago as well as being jealous over actually being able to piss on the side of a building because of desperation over waiting for the manager to open the building. I made jokes, of course, because that’s how I deal with feelings and dysphoria, because how could a cis guy even begin to comprehend? Thinking about it after that day, I realized that I was more worried about him freaking out on me using the men’s room because “I don’t belong!” because that’s what happened before. I know logically he won’t, but it was the panic attack and the illogical fear that he would turn on me that caused my heart rate to rise and my flight/flight response. It was due to that one time before that caused me to think my friends (or at least supportive coworkers) could just as easily turn on me. I currently trust strangers more than I do people who know me when it comes to this stuff, because thanks to the hormones, I pass better. I get misgendered a lot less. I feel almost like I belong in men’s spaces. Even still, I hesitate every time before I enter a men’s restroom. So many “what if”s pass through my head and ultimately that one exchange passes through my head. “Do I pass enough to keep the next cis guy like him from causing issues?” “If my ‘friends’ have issues with it, surely strangers will?”

It wasn’t arousal at all, as I’d thought, it was PTSD from that incident with my college friends. I was so paranoid that he’d ‘turn’ on me, despite all the evidence that showed otherwise, that I couldn’t think. All I could think is that he was the one that followed me in, if he had issues with it then he should have waited, then he can’t say that I didn’t belong....... A long line of defenses that I shouldn’t need to think of. I shouldn’t have to hesitate before entering a men’s restroom. I shouldn’t think of all the bad things that could happen if I enter a men’s room if I don’t pass well enough. I certainly shouldn’t have to think of all the bad things that can and will happen to trans women who don’t ‘pass enough’ for cis women or cis men to use women’s spaces and who get physically harmed because of it.

Probably a few days later, I decided to pull that STP I bought out again. I had a terrible time with it before. I wasn’t able to use it in the shower without leaking a fuck ton, to the extent that I wouldn’t be able to use it in public. I gave up years ago when I tried. I tried again in the shower and had issues. I tried again just outside the shower and leaked a significant amount, but not as much as I would have thought. I tried again and leaked only a few drops. It was significant progress, more than I ever thought I’d get. It became a possibility, to the point that I wanted to use men’s restrooms to practice instead of using the bathroom at home because unless I had water running, it would be easy to hear the difference and I didn’t want my parent catching on.

So, I waited the other day, more than I should have. I left my job without using the restroom because I didn’t have to go, but my parent picked me up and took me to the hospital where my grandmother was getting surgery that lasted longer than it should have. I had half an hour before I had to leave so I figured I’d wait to use a men’s room on the way so I could practice. Of course, I brought extra underwear just in case, but the coffee shop I stopped at was cleaning the men’s room. Then I went to the wrong meet point, so I ended up having to leave the extra pair of underwear in my car 70 miles away and hoping for the best when I got to the travel store. I took my chances using the STP I have, but I only leaked a few drops, a manageable amount, especially for having a full bladder and a detachable dick. It’d be so much better to practice at home, but God forbid I get any fucking privacy anytime.

I’m doing better than I thought I ever would, but I still haven’t even tried to use a urinal. It’s difficult using a cheap-ass STP that I can’t really pack with, so I have to pull it out of my pocket, position it, and then use, then pack away again. It’s an 8 inch thing that isn’t exactly easy to unpack and pack away. I plan to invest in a better one eventually, but my job hasn’t been scheduling me for a lot of hours, so I don’t want to spend the money just yet. I want to practice in private, usually a stall, before I even attempt to try to use a urinal. It’s a process I’m not comfortable with yet. I’m trying and I’ve made so much more progress than I ever thought I would, but I’m not /there/ yet.

Side note: Another older gentleman came face to face to me coming out of the men’s room at a store, someone I work with. Since then, he seemed to catch on to the whole I’m a guy thing. I aspire to make the cis men at my work that may have issues with trans people to see me (and therefore all trans men) as “real” men. I understand that not all men use urinals or stand to pee, but it’s something I’ve wanted to do since before I realized I was a trans man. It would also make me more comfortable using men’s restrooms.

#Long story-short: I'm still traumatized over an incident that happened years ago with cis men #It hurts more when friends hurt you vs strangers #You expect it from strangers #I'm terrified of this coworker that I have feelings for hurting me #Hella personal #Kind of omo related?

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emissary-of-stuff · 5 years

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League of Villains - What I think about them

I really like the League of Villains in BNHA because they’re all outcasts, and also I like villains in general. But all of them are well written, have good reasons to be villains (not sure why Compress is one). All of them experienced backlash or hate from the hero society due to who they are or their quirks.

Honestly, I wanted to make this so I could compile some of my favorite screenshots of the League members and talk about them such as why I like them and other things. Warning, this will contain spoilers for the bnha manga, up to the current chapter. Do not read if you are not caught up on the manga, that being chapter 227 as of this day.

Shigaraki Tomura also known as Simura Tenko! His quirk, decay. It can be used for bad and good. I mean, he uses it to hurt people, but if he were a hero it would be very useful in search and rescue. His quirk could destroy obstacles blocking or crushing civilians. He uses his quirk very methodically when he wants to, such as dissolving the skin and tissue of Aizawa’s elbow and having the decay creep up Overhauls arms. I find this to be very cool, as his quirk also has different rates of decay. Some objects he touches decay rapidly while others act very slowly. I don’t know if it’s because he wills it to, or if the quirk is acting off of his emotions. An example of that being if Shigaraki is calm, the decay would take longer to spread.

Also, his personality. Yeah, Shigaraki acted like a brat in the beginning but he has grown. Plus I love his use of video game references such as “game over” “final boss” and such. Shigaraki now is more mature, he looks after his team. He cares about their input and wants them to be happy and I really like that. Plus, he has shown to trust them by taking them to wherever he lived, this being after AFO was defeated, and even opening up to them about his past. Hell, when Magne got killed by Overhaul, Shigaraki rushed to kill him. He massively cares about his team as they are no longer like pawns, but like a family to him. Another reason I like him is that he honestly can be redeemed in a sense. From an early age, his family was killed, his memories of them were suppressed, and All for One basically groomed him into becoming a villain. He never really got the chance to know that what he is doing is wrong.

Himiko Toga. First of all, I am honestly a big fan of characters who are somewhat unhinged. And holy crap does Himiko fit that. Also, I find her design very appealing and cute. The pointed teeth, messy hair buns, gleaming eyes, I find those to be really cool! And her quirk, honestly I find it to be fascinating. The fact that she can become someone by drinking their blood and how much depends on how long the transformation lasts. That is truly amazing. Up until the current chapter, we have seen Himiko Toga use her quirk three or maybe four times. The reason I say maybe three or four is because in the sports festival she was disguised as Ochako but then that disguise slipped off to reveal Camie, another disguise. She also used the only container of Izuku’s blood that she had to help the heroes in the Overhaul Arc by leading Ochako and Tsuyu to where the battle was. And honestly, I find that to be very kind of her. Izuku is a person she absolutely admires and wants to be, so having his blood is like having something priceless and invaluable. And she used it. She used it to help Izuku, to get help. And currently in the manga’s arc she transformed into Ochako and somehow actually used Ochako’s quirk. I honestly believed Doctor Tsubasa somehow boosted their quirks. But I’m getting off track here. Himiko admires and normalises knives and blood with her quirk, and I honestly like that. As mentioned by Curios-san in the recent manga arc, blood and admiration don’t go well together. Also we found out that Himiko is the eldest of her family, and that she has siblings. I found this to be very interesting as her parents treated her and her quirk as something abnormal, meaning their quirks are not like hers. It’s possible someone in the family tree had a quirk involving blood and Himiko got the genetics of that, but we’re not sure since this is all speculation. But I really want to know what her siblings' quirks are. And as I mentioned earlier, I find her quirk to be fascinating. She can copy the appearance, but can’t use the quirk. She only targets people with quirks that she can fake or get by without using, such as Camie and Ochako, thus why she picked Camie out in the sports festival. Regarding her quirk, she could transform into Sero but just wouldn’t be able to use the tape since Sero’s quirk is an emitter and his elbows just help with that and are not a mutant quirk. I’m probably going to post a separate thing about me ranting and discussing about characters quirks since this portion is getting long.

Compress aka Atsuhiro Sako! So, he has a passion for theatrics which I absolutely love. His outfit, his speech, this guy has a thing for showbizz and magic. I honestly love his outfit, even though some may call it a disaster, but like. The dude has this long trenchcoat, top hat, and 6 or so masks. Yes, I’ve tried counting how many masks this guy has. His outfit is as extravagant and over the top as he is and I honestly like that a lot. Heck, the Leagues outfits say a lot about their characters. So when Magne was killed and Shigaraki down, Compress wasted no time in trying to apprehend Overhaul which led to the loss of his arm. Compress cares about his team, that much is shown. Also he gives advice to Toga about the yakuza and criminal underworld. His age is unknown but he does call himself “old man” when giving Toga the advice mentioned above. When I read that I felt bad for him because, c’mon man, you’re cool! His quirk is honestly really amazing as he can just stash something into a marble, be it a truck or a person. I don’t know if there is a size limit to what his quirk can hold, or how he even gets the marbles for it, but I find it to be pretty cool. Heck, he freaking blasted Overhaul’s arm off using his quirk! That was epic. Also, I think he killed Snatch, not Dabi. Yes, Dabi caused the fire but Compress put him in a marble. At least, that’s what it seemed like since there was something in the marble.

Dabi Oh boy, so I might go one a lot with this. Not sure if it will be as long as Himiko’s but let’s find out. Ok, so I like Dabi for a multitude of reasons. His quirk, his real identity, his motives, and all the potential. But as much as I like him as a character, he’s done some bad shit. I mean, the guy burned criminals alive in an alleyway, tried to kill/injure Aizawa and Vlad, even though he knew he would lose. Also a good thing he did was like, the guy didn’t attack Aoyama when he saw him. He left him alone. Something else I like is his boldness and seemingly uncaring attitude. I mean, the dude took some Noumu to fight Endeavor, knew he didn’t stand a chance, but still tried anyways. And like, what is he even thinking by recruiting the number 2 hero? I mean, Dabi isn’t that oblivious. Most likely he knows Hawks is a spy or something. Also his scars are pretty cool, not to mention that the dude wears what looks to be a leather jacket.

Twice aka Jin Bubigawara!! Ok, I abosolutely love Twice’s character. The guy reminds me of Deadpool with his costume, antics and such. His internal struggle within himself that is the two contradictory personalities. He’ll say something is fine, then say it’s horrible. And while we treat this as funny, in my eyes, it’s honestly sad. Seeing Jin in his apartment argueing with the voice, struggling to get his mask on. It makes me sad. Jin is a victim to his own quirk. Not to mention he saw clones of himself kill eachother, which has got to be traumatic. Heck, he doesn’t even know if he’s the original and I find that to be so sad. Not even knowing if you’re even...you. And Twice is honestly a pretty supportive person, he yells at Overhaul for getting Magne’s gender wrong, expresses concern over Toga, hangs out with them. I just, I really like Twice you guys. And then there’s the whole thing going down in the current arc, with that Liberation Army guy using their quirk to make Twice see clones of himself all around him. Like, the guy just saw Toga bleeding and cold, is extremely concerned and worried for his friend, and now he’s practically going into a tramumatic episode. Heck, when he saw the clones his mind flashed to that day. Just, I want to help him. He doesn’t deserve this.

SPINNER! Ok, so I really like Spinner you guys. His character, his design, his motives, his backstory. He stopped Magne from attacking Izuku because Stain deemed Izuku worthy. This guy practically cosplays Stain. Heck, his weapon is a bunch of swords and blades chained together. I like to think upon him finding out Stain uses blades, he didn’t know which kind so he just got literally all of them. This guy is a dork. Heck, one of my favorite panels is him swerving the van and yelling “GRAND THEFT AUTO!!” Spinner questions the Leagues motives, wondering if attacking police is really going to change the society he lives in. Say what you want, but I honestly think he can be redeemed. Also, his compassion. The dude’s face when he heard Shigaraki’s past. His eyes were full of shock, concern, and just, he looked worried. And in the short battle against the Mutant Exclusionist people, I forget what they were exactly called, he reveals he’s been bullied due to his appearance and the fact that he’s a mutant. And honestly, I can relate, albeit only a tiny bit. Being bullied over something you can’t control, it sucks. It makes you despise yourself, start to wonder if something is wrong with you, and no one should have to go through that. Sorry for the super long post, but I just wanted to get my thoughts out. If anyone even bothered to read this, thank you. Because that means a lot to me. To know that some of you out here like or enjoy my little discussions and thoughts, it makes me happy. So, thank you.

#bnha #bnha discussion #bnha spoilers #bnha league of villains #mine

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hurlumerlu · 6 years

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TLJ spoilers :

The thing with The Last Jedi is that it did not steer the story in the direction I would have chosen... but ultimately I think that was for the best (and it’s not something I usually admit). I’m putting a few of my thoughts under a cut, mostly to put them somewhere.

The things I didn’t like : - The conflict between Holdo and Poe felt incredily artificial. I feel like they were trying to offer a storyline where no side was entirely right nor entirely wrong, and that’s laudable, but as most of it relied on “miscommunication for the sake of the plot”, it felt more frustrating than anything else.

-Still about the Poe vs Holdo thing : Holdo not sharing her plan with her exhausted and panicking troupes did not make her very sympathetic (and Leïa justifying it with “she doesn’t feel the need to be seen as a hero” was dumb, that’s not the point !), and Poe talking to Holdo like that in their first scene was extremely grating and unprofessional. Seing him lose his cool could have been interesting if it had been gradual ! But that was not the case here. I wish both sides had been made more sympathetic than irritating.

-Third point about Poe : dude leads a mutiny and basically keeps being in charge after that like that was no big deal ? I mean, yes they weren’t enough officers left and yes, I think Holdo fucked up and I understand the actions of the crewmembers but they still should have faced consequences ! Not because I want my Star Wars movies to be realistic, but because without consequences that particular plot segment feels even more unnecessary. - Actually, I would just have done away with the entire mutiny sequence.

-Who decided that DJ should stutter ? It was bad and, I felt, slightly offensive.

-It was kind of unavoidable, what with the necessity to establish all those storylines, but the begining of the movie felt all at once too fast (individual scenes were too short) and too slow (too much exposition). - I really, really wish all the characters didn’t constantly call Leïa, well, “Leïa”. She’s their general ! - “We will not win by killing the things we hate but by saving the things we love” was way too cheesy (and silly) for my taste. Things I whish had been done differently : - I wish the Finn/Phasma fight had been longer (I also hope, against all logic, that Phasma will come back). I was so hyped for it ! And while it was a great sequence, it was so important on a symbolic level that its relatively short length made it kind of underwhelming.

- Poe felt... well, I will not say “ooc” because I don’t think the Poe we were shown in TFA and his comics could never act like he did in TLJ, especially exhausted, a few day after having been tortured by the First Order and right after seeing many of his friends die. But he did felt so much less hopeful and loving, it was a bit of a bummer. I get why they made those choices, but I would have loved it more if they had wrote him differently.

-The chase scene with the fathiers was the one action scene I didn’t really like. It was narratively important but felt a bit too videogame-y. - Keeping Finn and Rey appart for the whole movie was, I think, a smart move. Their reunion and hug was that much more satisfying. However I wish we had seen them together a bit more after that hug. For exemple, I would really have loved it if Finn had been standing beside her. EDIT : beside her when she severed the Force bond. I fogot to finish my sentence. - I don’t think the movie should have ended with only the white boy ? Having the two other kids in the shot would have felt more powerful to me. Things I loved : - Finn and Rose’s storyline was amazing, and pretty much all I want from Star Wars. It was the part that truly remembered that the Star Wars movies are, first and foremost, kids movie, and truly reveled in it. The casino scene was a breath of fresh air (I almost wish it had been longer), and the rest of their adventure was simple and efficient. Boyega and Tran had excellent chemistry, and I was at the same time anxious when they were in danger and excited to see how they would overcome the obstacles in their way. Plus it was nice to see another brand of Star Wars vilainy, in the form of the arms dealers. DJ was not exactly a memorable character, but I thought it was nice to see a character who has no problem being kind and “doing the right thing” (giving Rose her necklace back) when it’s easy, but is still fundamentally selfish. - I also found interesting that Finn and Rose’s view of heroism and “doing what is right” kind of swapp, during the movie ? At the begining Finn mostly wants to protect Rey (at the possible cost of other lives) and Rose is disbeleving that people would be willing to abandon ship rather than face a heroic death, while at the end Finn chose the heroic death and Rose chose to protect one live at the possible cost of many. It’s kinda mirrored in the fact that Holdo condemns Poe’s suicide attack, but ultimately sacrifice herself in a (really impressive) suicide attack, while Poe is very much against the idea of running away and end up (rightly) pushing for it at the end. I don’t entirely know what to make of it, but i do like it. - Luke ! I had been spoiled about him trying to kill Ben Solo when he was his pupil and I was very worried about that plot point going in. I did not see how they could make it work, but they did ! Furthemore I think TFA had backed Luke’s character into a corner with this idea of self-imposed exile, and that TLJ worked with that in the best possible way. It was still Luke,my Luke, the one who’s conflicted and a bit impulsive and always trying to be a good person. Sure his desire to do the right thing had crippled him and led him to do nothing (I can relate), and sure, his goodness did not shine through as brightly as it did when he was young, but it was there and I loved it so much. I was also worried they would make him too serious but he was often genuinly funny. (and nothing contradicted my gay!Luke headcanon, which is always a plus)

- The bad guys. Star Wars vilain are not my thing. I don’t even care for Dark Vader that much. But Hux was delightful as a sniveling, self-important chewtoy and Kylo Ren finally transcended the “interesting concept of a bad guy” category, right into the “I finally see why you’re such a threat and I want you to die in the most epic way possible” category. He’s still pathetic and a complete human disaster, but his vilainy feels now more personnal than generic. I loved this transformation, and I loved that his ultimate fall to the dark side is so clearly treated as a choice. I really, really hope they don’t give him a redemption arc, it would make his arc in this movie feels entirely pointless.

- Finn and Rey truly, uh, self-actualize, in this movie ? I don’t know how to say it but you can see them becomming who they’re meant to be and I loved that. - My feelings about Rey are a bit more mixed. Ridley’s performance didn’t always convince me and I felt like Rey’s absolute conviction that she could turn Kylo came too fast ? But I loved that she makes that mistake because she, like Luke, is trying so hard to be a good person, and because she does not yet believe that she can be the hero of this story (something Kylo plays on really well). The scene in the dark place on the island, where she ask who her parents are and only see herself ? I had chills. Yes it’s heavy handed, but the mirror is more or less telling Rey that she made herself, and i really think it’s powerful. - I’m also quite happy that she’s not a Skywalker. I have no problem with the Skywalker saga ending tragically (with their last heir succombing to the dark side and dying a vilain) as long as the Star Wars saga ends happily. I love that Rey is important simply because she’s Rey. - I think it was a bold move to make “failure” one of the most important theme of the movie. Not just because “failure is the best teacher” is a pretty cool message, but also because for once we feel like the Resistance is heroic not because of what they accomplish, but because they absolutely never give up their fight against space!fascism. I loved that. - “We are what they grow beyond”... if anyone had told me that Yoda would one day make me so emo, I would have laughed at them. But I did sob at the line (it made me feel 15 again). - I also cried at Luke and Leïa reunion’s scene. They had me at “I know what you’re going to say, I changed my hair.” which is pretty much the first exchange they have.

- The whole movie was gorgeous ? I love the action sequences and I particularly loved just how big the red salt planet felt. The galaxy truly felt gigantic. - “The Rebellion is reborn today. The war is just begining. And I will not be the last Jedi”. Yes please. - Rey and Finn’s hug was amazing. - b i n a r y s u n s e t

- Leïa and Holdo absolutely had a an affair when Han left the Resistance and I think that’s beautiful.

#star wars #the last jedi spoilers #big up adrien

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jkbaws · 7 years

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CHARACTER THESIS Q&A (JENNIE EDITION: LET ME)

to him: when i make promises, they’re never empty. i’d rather die than break one. you might not remember many of them, but one that’s upheld without the need to be mentioned constantly is my loyalty. i know that you know... that i know...! my decisive and firm choices in life, including the stupid and doubtful, have led me to you. i take it as a sign that regardless of what they initially were, i’ve made the right ones and i won’t take this for granted. i promise. you awakened something in me that i long ago believed was null, ignited pleasures in me that i can’t quiet down; pleasures of the mind, pleasures of the body, pleasures of the heart.

someone told me before that if they felt the same for me, that if we were to be, it would have happened already. so i told myself over and over that i’ll never ever again buy into this—as i saw it—crap. it’s because of this scar from the past that a part of me still probably resents that i had to wait, because i was expecting for someone to do it for me this time around. i think, one way or another, i’ll always be insecure that anyone i’ve truly felt for never had to struggle chasing for me. it’s my fault for making it easy, but it would have gone against my beliefs otherwise... i wouldn’t have wished it for another person, especially if they’re someone as important as you turned out to be. basically, if that person is you...

i would question myself before whether i should have taken up on other offers but to pair up with someone with the thought that i can learn in time, hope to fall later on, but it's too big a leap of faith i cannot take. i know everyone of us has our own unique thresholds for what we believe being "in love" means. we should abide by our personal thresholds and put faith in them. but i still wonder if for you falling and staying in love is without choice and reason, like the way i experience it.

this... is just one of the many things i keep pestering you about. i keep nudging you for answers over and over for probably the same questions that’s just worded differently, and i feel sorry because i have an insatiable appetite that requires a lot of patience. i hate to put all this pressure on you. it’s a conflicting feeling of wanting to selfishly keep you who’s been so accommodating and understanding between letting you run free without shouldering my uncertainties. but nothing is ever just black and white. just... this big but organized confusion (that we get to share, heh). and it's why it also amazes me how you see no wrong in me. how? it's common knowledge that we're our own worst critics. it might be that i see all these flaws in me that you don’t but... i still don't understand. even if you think there’s only a few, you... overlook all of them? is that a good thing? if it is, it seems too good to be true. is there really absolutely nothing about me that you dislike? if this is true, then does that mean you feel stronger than i do? i refuse to believe so, pfft.

i think i'll always have this self-doubt within me, no matter how much pride and confidence i show on the outside. but all my worries and my inhibitions, it’s exactly how you said; you kiss them all away, persistently so. you breathe fresh air into the healing process, better than emotional freedom techniques would have. please don’t get tired... i’ll keep trying my best to... well, stay the way that i am, as per your request.

about names, possessions, and everything i have never admitted to anyone: a playground full of children with heroic names and not one of them had earned even a syllable. they grew up to be just as unworthy, feeling entitled from their historical ties and becoming arrogant. they paid lip-service only to the idea of service, and the highest honor being that of serving the community. there is something to be said for growing into a name. at birth, we should all be named after things of nature. flower, sky, river... something that shows what we are in our beginnings, where we come from, not a thing separate. when we show our metal, that we have grit and spirit to do right and bear greatness, then we should be given a name that symbolizes that. then maybe our names will mean something more than just the whim of our times, the fashion of an era, or the aspirations of our parents.

i've earned mine and shaped it to what meaning it holds now. i’m the girl you’ve always heard about; the girl you hear about even more now. it’s why i sing, watch your mouth when you speak my name. how many can say the same for themselves?

i've been driven mad from giving deep meaning, investing emotions and memories in my possessions. to me they have always been what represents my extended self, what provides my sense of past and what tells me who i am, where i've come from, and where i'm going. they are repositories of myself. you, you, and you; you’re all mine. i’m selfish. i can’t have it any other way. it’s hard to just let go. i'd hate for anyone to have dominion over me. why can’t i reciprocate? why can’t i not reciprocate? i’m fire and i need space to burn. fan the flames and let me.

a toast for me right now and for my little secret; the one that i can't let out but can't hardly hold in; the one i can't tell anyone, but want to tell everybody; the one that i'll carry forever, but its weight crushes me. reminders to self: if you don’t want people guessing, don’t give out hints. if you don’t want questions asked, don’t say a word.

to angels: is there really a council standing guard over the big guy in the sky? do you speak of harmony and love? peace and simple joys? ways to live without greed and misery? i don't care about the future. i'd rather find it out for myself, when the right time comes. tell me what i need to know...

questions to death: i don’t even want anything to do with you. it makes me curious when you’ll take me, because i want to know how much time i have. how much is there for me to work with. how long will it take for me to be able to win the legacy that i keep promising myself? i have these questions... but i don’t really want to hear the answer. not yet, at least. i’ll come back for them in a few more decades, in case the science people’s hunches or the prophecies way back from ancient times don’t come true.

to her: with anyone else, i am a lioness. with you, i'm a rabbit. or maybe a chinchilla. anything tiny; anything you can hold within your palms. one look from you and the fight leaves my body. you see me for who i am inside, quell the inferno, transform it to passion for life, career, and even nature. with you my soul is at rest. with you it's content. i love you like a brother, respect you like no other; our spirits kindred. i could no more abandon you than my own child... in the future! it's like you tell my panic to shut up. i don't know how you do it, and i don't need to. knowing that you can, and so effortlessly, is enough.

you aren't simply a good friend. you have become part of my soul. when life became a storm, you were the boat that kept the briny water from entering my lungs. you were love when i needed it and i thank you with all that i am. the storm isn't over. it never will be; the winds rage, seek to crush what they can never be. i have to know my own strength, test it, find truth and liberty, to realize that there is no prison that can hold me. only then will i know that i am doing what i choose to do, that my own love is a choice and that it is a gift to give. at times, i'd have to walk alone and you have to let me but a part of my light stays with you, as part of yours leaves with me, for we are kindred as i told you, twin souls. i will return, and sooner than you might think, with new strength to my legs, to my bones, strong enough to carry you. heaven and prison can't be the same thing, and we'll keep on looking, together.

questions to the body: we're in abundance. not in a typical sort of way. i'm in the shape that i'm confident in. i treat you well. not just you, but also your other half. you may not be able to support me the way the world prefers you did but i take an exception to you. you serve me well, and i've listened to you and adhered to what works best for you. i've been given an intimate awareness that i've never really felt before and because of that i'm happy. i have a wonderful relationship with myself that i can spend a lifetime cultivating.

but things aren't always perfect. especially for me, they never are. everybody has those inner critics that really inhibit them and act as an obstacle to fulfillment and happiness. i sometimes seek shelter outside my own body. what stranger has my soul become?

to the heart: i realize now, it’s love that makes you so strong.

tagged by @babehk @pullstrings tagging @1konic @dalchu @baskuiat @jaeneral (for ur other verses) @consilian (hallo welcome back i can tag u into things again hehehe) @kinqisms @ishyks @leeyjin @inhyelation @vonliber

#echoes.#memes.#this is so long for no good reason

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mbtizone · 7 years

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Jafar (Aladdin): INTJ

Dominant Introverted Intuition [Ni]: It’s Jafar’s greatest ambition to usurp the Sultan, and he’ll do whatever it takes to make that dream a reality. He wants Agrabah to bow to him and is extraordinarily patient in his quest. Everything Jafar does is a carefully thought out piece of his overall plan of ruling the kingdom. He spends years searching for the Cave of Wonders. When he finally finds it, he sends a man in to retrieve the lamp, which is all part of his long-term vision of using the Genie to make himself all-powerful. However, when he realizes he can’t just send anyone into the cave, he remains patient until he can identify the “diamond in the rough.” He’s certain that he will get what he wants eventually and doesn’t get worked up when he faces obstacles (unlike Iago). Jafar is able to manipulate the Sultan (even when he’s not using his cobra staff to hypnotize him) and typically knows exactly what to do and say to get what he wants from him. Jafar instinctively doesn’t trust “Prince Ali” and is very skeptical about him and proves himself correct when he catches a glimpse of the lamp, allowing him to deduce that he’s actually Aladdin.

Auxiliary Extroverted Thinking [Te]: Jafar is all about seizing power and being in control. No matter how much he has, it’s never enough for him. Jafar doesn’t hesitate to take action and will do whatever he has to in order to overtake the kingdom. He doesn’t care who he has to hurt to get the lamp and gladly sacrifices whoever he has to in his quest for power. Jafar can sometimes struggle to see beyond the facts of the situation. Jasmine will have to marry a prince, and once that happens, she’ll get rid of him. It doesn’t occur to him to change the rules so that Jasmine must marry him, allowing Jafar to become sultan – that idea comes from Iago. Jafar is strategic about accomplishing his goals. Once he discovers that Aladdin is his diamond in the rough, he has him arrested in order to use him to get the lamp.

Tertiary Introverted Feeling [Fi]: The only feelings of any value to Jafar are his own. He holds everyone around him in contempt and believes himself to be superior. Jafar doesn’t discuss his personal feelings and appears to completely lack empathy. Jafar only bothers with those who can help him achieve his goals. He knows what he values (power, authority, control), and he won’t allow anything to distract him from his mission to take over the kingdom. Once he gets everything he’s ever wanted, he uses his power to control the people around him to show them who’s boss now.

Inferior Extroverted Sensing [Se]: Once Jafar finally gets a taste of the absolute power he’s always craved, he begins to act recklessly in the moment. He wants to enjoy all of the pleasures that come along with the status he worked so hard for. Although his original plan was to kill Jasmine, he changes his mind and even gives into his lustful urges by attempting to use his last wish to get her to fall in love with him. When he gives in to it, he forgets to think ahead, allowing himself to be tricked into becoming a prisoner of the lamp. His desire for authority leads him to act on impulse, which leaves him susceptible to manipulation. Both Jasmine and Aladdin are able to pick up on this and use it to their advantage to defeat him.

Note: I’m sure that some people will think I’m stereotyping. I know of some people who argue that Jafar can’t be an INTJ because of how impulsive he became once he got the lamp. I think that was just a grip experience, though. Jafar spent a very long time singularly focused on just one goal and didn’t stop until he made it a reality. Then, when the moment came and he finally got everything he ever wanted, he reveled in it, which led to his downfall. Giving in to the urges of the moment at the very end doesn’t discount everything leading up to it. Someone with higher Se would probably have a much better handle on it than Jafar does. My aunt was the only INTJ I’ve ever known in my life, and when she was in the grip of Se, it was not a pretty picture.

Enneagram: 8w7 3w4 5w4 So/Sx

Note: (He shows a lot of 3 and 8, so deciding his main type was difficult and I’m not 100% confident about which actually takes precedence)

Quotes:

Jafar: At last, after all my years of searching, the cave of wonders! Iago: Awk! Cave of wonders! Gazeem: By Allah! Jafar: Now, remember! Bring me the lamp. The rest of the treasure is yours, but the lamp is mine!

Iago: I can’t believe it. I just don’t believe it. We’re never gonna get a hold of that stupid lamp! Just forget it. Look at this. Look at this. I’m so ticked off that I’m molting! Jafar: Patience, Iago. Patience. Gazeem was obviously less than worthy. Iago: Oh, there’s a big surprise. That’s an incred–I think I’m gonna have a heart attack and die from not surprise! What’re we gonna do? We got a big problem here,a big prob- [Jafar pinches his beak shut.] Jafar: Yes, we do. Only one may enter. I must find this one, this… diamond in the rough.

Iago: I can’t take it anymore! If I gotta choke down on one more of those moldy, disgusting crackers… bam! Whack! Jafar: Calm yourself, Iago. Iago: Then I’d grab him around the head. Whack! Whack! Jafar: Soon, I will be sultan, not that addlepated twit. Iago: And then I stuff the crackers down his throat!

Iago: With all due respect, your rottenness, couldn’t we just wait for a real storm? Jafar: Save your breath, Iago. Faster! [He places the Sultan’s ring in the contraption.] Iago: Yes, o mighty evil one. [Iago runs faster. A lightning bolt streaks through the ring, passing into an hourglass below. The sands begin to swirl.] Jafar: Ah, sands of time– reveal to me the one who can enter the cave. [The sand in top forms the Cave of Wonders. It falls through into a storm, but it shows Aladdin climbing up a ladder, followed by Jasmine, who is covered in her cloak.] Yes, yes! There he is. My diamond in the rough! Iago: That’s him?!?! That’s the clown we’ve been waitin’ for? Jafar: Let’s have the guards extend him an invitation to the palace, shall we?

Sultan: Jafar, this is an outrage. If it weren’t for all your years of loyal service… From now on, you are to discuss sentencing of prisoners with me, before they are beheaded. Jafar: I assure you, your highness, it won’t happen again. Sultan: Jasmine, Jafar, now let’s put this whole messy business behind us. Please? Jafar: My most abject and humblest apologies to you as well, princess. Jasmine: At least some good will come of my being forced to marry. When I am queen, I will have the power to get rid of you. Sultan: That’s nice. All settled, then. Now, Jasmine, getting back to this suitor business. Jasmine? Jasmine! Jafar: If only I had gotten that lamp! Iago: I will have the power to get rid of you! D’oh! To think–we gotta keep kissing up to that chump, and his chump daughter for the rest of our lives… Jafar: No, Iago. Only until she finds a chump husband. Then she’ll have us banished–or beheaded! BOTH: Eeewww! Iago: Oh! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Jafar? What if you were the chump husband? Jafar: What? Iago: Okay, you marry the princess, all right? Then, uh, you become sultan! Jafar: Oh! Marry the shrew? I become sultan. The idea has merit! Iago: Yes, merit! Yes! And then we drop papa-in-law and the little woman off a cliff! Kersplat! Jafar: Iago, I love the way your foul little mind works!

Jafar: Sire, I have found a solution to the problem with your daughter. Iago: Awk! The problem with your daughter! Sultan: Oh, really? Jafar: Right here. “If the princess has not chosen a husband by the appointed time, then the sultan shall choose for her.” Sultan: But Jasmine hated all those suitors! How could I choose someone she hates? Jafar: Not to worry, my liege. There is more. If, in the event a suitable prince cannot be found, a princess must then be wed to… hmm… interesting. Sultan: What? Who? Jafar: The royal vizier! Why, that would be… me! Sultan: Why, I thought the law says that only a prince can marry a princess, I’m quite sure. Jafar: Desperate times call for desperate measures, my lord. Sultan: Yes… desperate measures… Jafar: You will order the princess to marry me. Sultan: I… will order… the princess… to… but you’re so old! Jafar:The princess will marry me! Sultan: The princess will marry… What? What is that? That music! Ha ha ha. Jafar, you must come and see this!

Iago: We gotta get outta here! We gotta get– I gotta start packing, your highness. Only essentials. Travel light! Bring the guns, the weapons, the knives and how about this picture? I don’t know– I think I’m making a weird face in it. [Jafar starts to laugh wildly.] Oh, boy–he’s gone nuts. He’s cracked. [Iago flies down to him and knocks on his head.] Jafar? Jafar? Get a grip, Jafar! [Jafar grabs him around the neck] Good grip! Jafar: Prince Ali is nothing more than that ragged urchin Aladdin. He has the lamp, Iago. Iago: Why that miserable– Jafar: But you are going to relieve him of it! Iago: Me?

Genie: You know Al, I’m getting really–I don’t think you’re him. Tonight, the role of Al will be played by a tall, dark and sinister ugly man. Jafar: I am your master now. Genie: I was afraid of that. Jafar: Genie, grant me my first wish. I wish to rule on high, as sultan!

Aladdin: Genie! No! Genie: Sorry, kid–I got a new master now. Sultan: Jafar, I order you to stop! Jafar: There’s a new order now–my order! Finally, you will bow to me!

Jasmine: We’ll never bow to you! Iago: Why am I not surprised? Jafar: If you will not bow before a sultan, then you will cower before a sorcerer! Genie, my second wish–I wish to be the most powerful sorcerer in the world!

Iago: Ladies and gentlemen, a warm Agrabah welcome for Sorcerer Jafar! Jafar: Now where were we? Ah, yes–abject humiliation! [He zaps Jasmine and the Sultan with his staff, and they both bow to him. Rajah comes running at him. He zaps Rajah, and the tiger turns into a kitty-cat.] Down, boy! Oh, princess–[lifts her chin with his staff] –there’s someone I’m dying to introduce you to.

Jafar: It pains me to see you reduced to this, Jasmine. [He takes a bite out of the apple she is holding.] A beautiful desert bloom such as yourself should be on the arm of the most powerful man in the world. [He waves his finger and a crown appears.] What do you say, my dear? Why, with you as my queen… Jasmine: Never! Jafar: I’ll teach you some respect! [She falls back as he raises his hand to slap her. Then he stops.] No. Genie, I have decided to make my final wish. I wish for Princess Jasmine to fall desperately in love with me. Genie: Ah, master– there are a few addendas, some quid pro quo- Jafar: Don’t talk back to me, you stupid blue lout! You will do what I order you to do, slave!

Jafar: You little fool! You thought you could defeat the most powerful being on earth! Iago: Squeeze him, Jafar–Squeeze him like a–awk! [Genie elbows him out of the way] Jafar: Without the genie, boy, you’re nothing! Aladdin: The genie! The genie! The genie has more power than you’ll ever have! Jafar: What!! Aladdin: He gave you your power, he can take it away! Genie: Al, what are you doing? Why are you bringing me into this? Aladdin: Face it, Jafar- you’re still just second best! Jafar: You’re right! His power does exceed my own! But not for long! [Jafar circles around the Genie.] Genie: The boy is crazy. He’s a little punch drunk. One too many hits with the snake Jafar: Slave, I make my third wish! I wish to be an all powerful genie! Genie: All right, your wish is my command. Way to go, Al.

Jafar: The universe is mine to command, to control! Aladdin:Not so fast, Jafar! Aren’t you forgetting something? You wanted to be a genie, you got it! And everything that goes with it!

Jafar (Aladdin): INTJ was originally published on MBTI Zone

#Aladdin #Disney #Jafar

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douxreviews · 5 years

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Arrow - ‘You Have Saved This City’ Review

“I thought I had more time.”

The Powers that Be had the impossible task of wrapping up two season-long arcs and setting up a third. They came damn close to pulling it off.

With so much ground to cover the plot became secondary to the emotional journey of our heroes. Which is why each obstacle is resolved with a minimum of fuss. The bioweapon attack, which took three episodes to set up, is dispatched with several well-aimed freezing arrows and the two other dispersement sites were foiled off-screen. Team Arrow is blamed for Emiko’s attack but Bingsley’s testimony restored them to hero status. Palmer Tech AKA Queen Consolidated was destroyed, but the city was saved. And everyone lived happily ever after. At least for the next 4-5 months. The flash forward plot was equally unimportant. What matters is that William and Mia live up to their promise and become the heroes their father wanted to be.

The real story is the answer to the deeply disturbed but prophetic Dr. Parker statement from the beginning of the season. “A father passes on more than just his name to his children.” Through seven seasons of the show and the use of flash forwards, we’ve witnessed two generations of parenting and its effects on their children. And while the Queen legacy of destruction and violence has been the main focus, it has not been the sole focus.

Robert Queen was not a moral man. His image as a pillar of society is in stark contrast with the man who repeatedly cheated on his wife, covered up the accidental death of a councilman, was involved with a plot to destroy a section of his city and kill thousands, murdered his bodyguard to save his son, and abandoned his child. All of these actions visited lasting and harmful ramifications on all of his children.

Thea’s childhood was warped by her grief for her father and brother’s deaths, while Emiko’s was warped by the knowledge her father loved his “other family” more than her. Oliver literally bears the scars of his father’s choices – some from his five years of hell before returning to Starling (now Star) City and some from his vow to right his father’s wrongs.

Robert’s failings as a parent are contrasted most directly with Oliver’s and by extension Felicity’s. And I believe we are meant to see Oliver’s choices as superior to his own father. Where Robert asked Oliver to make amends for his transgressions, Oliver strove to insulate his children from the effects of his choices. However, in the final analysis, they followed a remarkably similar path. Oliver and Felicity abandoned William as assuredly as Robert abandoned Emiko. His decision to be a vigilante led directly to the death of William’s mother and to multiple violent attacks on William during his childhood. And it ultimately led to what we assume is Oliver’s death leaving Mia to grow up without ever knowing her father or brother. Sound familiar?

The actual contrast is with the Diggle family. General Stewart raised John to be a strong, honorable man. And rather than dishonor John’s memory of his father, he allowed himself to be villainized in John’s eyes for decades. John tried to instill that same sense of honor and responsibility in both of his sons. And like the General before him, he had mixed success. Connor went into the family business of serving his country by joining Knightwatch while J.J. rebelled and turned to a life of crime as his Uncle Andy had.

All of which begs the question of what we are meant to have learned from this season. Should Oliver be thought of as a hero? Or are we meant to believe he was the next evolution towards that goal with William and Mia bringing it to fruition? Did he save the city? From the Ninth Circle’s quest to destroy it, certainly. But ultimately, we’ve seen its downfall.

Are William and Mia, with Connor and Zoe’s assistance, meant to be the true saviors of Star City? It would appear so. The flash forwards end with an explicit changing of the guard. Mia as the new Arrow, Connor as the new Diggle, Zoe as the new Canary, and William as Overwatch. It felt more like a setup for next season than a tying up of a loose end.

And what of Emiko, whose appearance was so central to this discussion. In some ways, she is an argument for nature vs. nurture. Robert’s treatment of her was inexcusable. But, as Oliver tells her, it was her reactions to his behavior that led to much of the pain and misery of her life. Joining the Ninth Circle placed the first domino in the long and inevitable line that ended with her mother’s death.

In contrast, Robert showed Oliver the love he withheld from Emiko but he passed on his sense of entitlement to Oliver in a BIG way. Even after his selfish tendencies were beaten out of him during his many years “in hell,” Oliver’s sense of entitlement continued to manifest itself in his unwavering faith he knew best despite truckloads of evidence to the contrary. Yet Oliver’s decisions were based on a desire to help others where Emiko’s were made to assuage her pain by visiting that pain upon others.

Yet, they are cut from the same cloth. When Oliver confronts Emiko he admits to what was hinted at last week. The knowledge that Emiko’s inaction led to all the pain and loss in Oliver’s life is the reason he wanted her dead and not because “there was no other way.” Emiko may be on a dark path but Oliver’s is gray at best.

That said, they both choose to do the right thing in the end. Oliver's willingness to sacrifice himself for others culminates in his departure with The Monitor. And while Emiko’s redemption is cut short by the showdown with the Ninth Circle and her subsequent death, her refusal to kill Oliver when she had the opportunity is meant to mark her transformation. One of Oliver’s final acts to redress his father’s wrongs was to bury her beside Robert’s gravestone as Emiko Adachi Queen.

And that was just the first half hour. While we know there will be another season of Arrow, if the last third of this episode is any indication, it will be very different from what’s gone before. It looks like all roads lead to the Crisis.

So what do we know?

The Monitor collects Oliver to begin his quest to balance the universal scales that saved Barry and Kara’s lives. A quest that will lead inexorably and unavoidably to Oliver’s death. We know that Felicity will create Smoak Tech which will be phenomenally successful even as she continues to live in seclusion and raise her daughter. Alena will betray her trust and give Archer technology to the precursor to Galaxy One. And somehow, Team Arrow will cause Star City to turn against vigilantes for a generation causing a rift between The Glades and the rest of Star City as well as a rift between the members of Team Arrow. Getting from here to there is a lot of story to pack into eight final episodes.

I have been a big fan of this season but I’ll be the first to admit that it has been uneven. Gone were the unbelievable character choices for the sake of forwarding the plot. In its place was a well-designed season arc filled with oodles of interesting thematic issues and character questions they never had time to fully unpack. The finale was emblematic of this issue.

Given my love of all things character-driven, I applauded the time spent on Oliver and Emiko’s parental issues, Felicity and Oliver’s separation, and the development of William and Mia’s sibling bond. But it came at the cost of a cohesive plot. While, I’d love to give it a four, I just can’t.

3 out of 5 wall-free zones

Parting Thoughts:

Curtis was back. Yay! He’s getting married. Double Yay!

Future Alena became a badass!

Bingsley’s testimony somehow wiped away Roy’s involvement in the security guards’ murder, not to mention assaulting multiple police officers during the drone attack. Huh?

There is a character listed on IMDB as “Teen Keven Dale” but I don’t remember seeing him, do you? I’m assuming it’s his mother we saw killed in the drone attack. It would explain his hatred of vigilantes.

In the loose thread category:

Unsnipped - We never did find out why Emiko dressed as the Green Arrow. Snipped - The drones were back in play with the Cygnus bacteria. It makes you wonder why they went through the trouble of stealing the Sarin gas ingredients if it was only for empty buildings. Does that make it a half a snip? Snipped - The Mark of Four was finally mentioned. Snipped - Ben Turner has been freed from Slabside and his redemption journey is complete. Unsnipped - We still don’t know how or why Dig adopts Connor. Unsnipped - Whatever causes Star City to turn on its vigilantes, did not happen in the episode. It must be Crisis related.

Quotes:

Felicity: “What do you think is worse, Emiko being in possession of a bioweapon or the team being Star City’s Most Wanted?" Rene: “Can I choose both?”

Zoe: “Duck.”

William: “Yes, what she did may be overprotective, and overbearing… but it could be the break we’ve been looking for.”

Future Felicity: “This is not the life Oliver and I wanted for them.”

Virgil: “Well, if you’re not going to kill him, we’ll gladly oblige.”

Emiko: “You’re still here.” Oliver: “I don’t leave my family.”

Emiko: “I wanted to be a Queen.”

Curtis: “I’m sorry, I hate to save and run.”

Felicity: “Star City is a wall-free zone once again.”

Diggle: “A cycle of heroes who will defend this city with every fiber of their being.” Felicity: “Anyone ever told you you always know exactly what to say?” Diggle: “I have been told.”

Felicity: “It’s not Ivy Town but it’ll work.”

The Monitor: “I have seen your future, Oliver, inexorable and unavoidable. I have watched you die.”

Oliver: “This is bigger than us. Than all of us.” Felicity: “Why does it always have to be you?”

Shari loves sci-fi, fantasy, supernatural, and anything with a cape.

#Arrow #Green Arrow #Oliver Queen #Felicity Smoak #John Diggle #DC Comics #Arrow Reviews #Doux Reviews #TV Reviews

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randomthoughtsgonewild · 7 years

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I'm back...

Hello.

I don’t really know how to start this if I’m honest.

It’s been a long while (yeah no shit dumb dumb *facepalms*) and well, things have happened. Some of big degree and some of little importance.

Current status?

I’m feeling shit.

Yes, you may leave. This will not be clean. But when I made this blog and when I titled the description, I meant what I said.

If you no like; bye bye stranger.

If you do but you ain’t into this type of honesty. See you later, mater.

…

So, where to begin…uh, I don’t have the best memory so I believe I shall start around Christmas time 2016.

Life was going semi-okay; school and personal problems were hassling but durable. But during that time I lost two of my mates; one of which I’m closer than the other. It was a whole group thing – we all decided to cast them away because of something they did (I would say what but due to its authenticity and specificity; I can’t take the risk of someone I know recognising it because frankly I’d rather have no-one I know in real life, knowing I am the owner of this blog— not because I’m ashamed; more so of the fact I am a very private person. Which is quite ironic considering I am quite open about everything and everyone— other than myself. But I digress.)

— and so my group casted them away and they were gone throughout the last term before Christmas break; it was hard because I lost my closest mate and my really good friend. But that was resolved quickly after the term and we’re all okay.

See? That wasn’t too bad aha.

Well, we haven’t got to 2017 yet and that’s when things start to go downhill…

So it’s the beginning of the new year and I guess you could say I was hoping for a much better year than 2K16. But when has Lady Luck EVER been on my side? Never. So, like the cow Lady Luck is; it brought me a ton of obstacles and hoops to jump through. To which I failed tremendously.

(I also forgot to add; Been alive for half a century, divided by 2 and subtracted by 10. Yay.)

In January; school had picked up and like the Army Officer it is, really started to tire me out. I was struggling with the work and the homework. It was a mess. It sounds fairly simple and in fact; I imagine many of you to be quite unimpressed by me because “kid, you don’t even know what tiredness is *rolls eyes*” — and you’re probably right, I do not. But you probably don’t know what it feels like to have to be up to the brim in GCSE coursework as well as revision because students love tests! (Wait–wait, maybe you do actually, okay well I had some mental stuff going on too so that counts?)

But again, I am straying off de topic. So anyways, Jan. Tiring. Made me very stressed. Stress is not good. Lotta spots for me, brother. I hate acne. Especially stressed-related ones. But. I. Digress. Again.

Which brings me to February; aww Feb. Poor, sweet, juvenile Feb. Always been a month that tends to fly by so quickly and probs the most boring – seriously though, what actually happens in Feb that is interesting? Nothing. That’s it. But, for me Feb; well Feb was an eye opener for sure. I’m not the type of person to beat around the bush for one thing so I’ll be out with it – quick'n'easy like a bandage.

I discovered two things; My mental state was way beyond fucked. Two? I’m not as strong as I thought I was.

And for me to have discovered this, well it was certainly big. You see my family is not the type of family to ask if ones okay and find the solution; we are more of the ‘ask if you’re okay but if you say anything out of the norm then forget it’ — we always have been. Well, at least I think we have. I’m not really close with my family, but I blame that on the stuff going up in my cranium.

So anyways, my head = not in a good state then (or now). Explanation? I don’t know.

In fact, I think it hasn’t been in a 'good state’ for a while. Possibly ever since the summer of '16 (and maybe before…?) which would mean whatever I’ve been manifesting is suddenly making itself known and to be honest the manifestation is quite large. I don’t know what I have to be frank; I don’t know if it’s depression or if it’s something else, in all honesty I feel kind of stupid for just assuming it’s 'depression’. I feel like that nowadays that word is tossed around so much it just feels stupid to say “I’m depressed” with anyone actually taking you seriously. Plus, I never thought I could be depressed or even in such a state of mind.

Which lead me to my epiphanic of uncovering the truth of my mental strength.

It isn’t that strong.

You see, I always thought for a long time in my life that I’m the type of person who doesn’t breakdown, who knows how to build themselves back up again if the going gets tough; the type of human who will never let themselves fall so far down the well of “depression” because I’m just not like that. Full stop.

But I realised in the second month of the year, that I’m none of that; I’m just extremely good at ACTING like I am. Like I am strong, like I can’t breakdown, like I can’t be “depressed”. I realised that I’m so used to being in this mind state that my head has adapted to feeling like this and since I have a slight fear of being mentally unwell; it simply taught me how to ACT like everything’s okay. When in fact…

Everything really isn’t fucking okay.

Now I could type here for ages and ages about my stresses, my worries, my problems etc etc but that would make this so long that it would be the equivalent of 3 Harry Potter books…aaaand since I’m not JKR and I don’t have that type of time; I’ll just summarise, summarise, summarise!

Here we go; so after my big discovery in Feb, it lead to all sorts of things — I started to become more aggressive and more sad; which led to more acting because even if I knew I had a mental health problem it still didn’t mean I wanted to get help or – god forbid ACTUALLY talk about it! So I started to distract myself; distractions, distractions, distractions = my best friend. The more I distracted myself, the more I (believed) had less time to dwell on my (rapidly becoming real) mental health illness. So I took up having some cigarettes from time to time because it made me feel calm and yes I know of the dangers but pocketing a couple of my dads cigarettes wasn’t going to kill me okay? Plus, I always told myself (still do now) to never buy my own pack because that for me would lead to an addiction. Amongst that; I did other things like lash out, do drugs (I DID THIS ONCE BTW) and just things that really weren’t good for me.

So with me doing all this and believing it would prolong my mental health illness awakening; I didn’t realise that instead of PROLONGING my MHI, I just kept feeding it. With all the things I did, they lead to consequences; every time I would smoke, I would feel bad– horrid even, the fear of becoming addicted lead to me feeling shameful (more for the MHI monster to eat), every time I would steal my dad’s wine bottle and drink it for myself, I would feel disappointed that I would stoop so low and thus gave the monster an even bigger meal and every time I tested my parents patience or acted kinda rude to my mates; it fed my monster STRESS because I would stress about what their reactions would be and ugh it was not good.

But here I am typing as if I overcame it all and everything is well again; for your information mi amiga; it ain’t. In fact I still am going through all this and frankly I’m tired. Exhausted. Fatigued. But knowing me and my coping methods; my brilliant acting skills will be back at it again for the next couple of months until I guess I break or something.

This whole text post sounds weird tbh; I don’t like how I’ve written it but it’s honest. And I have more to talk about as well but there just isn’t enough time in the day (or so I say) and besides; it gives me a good reason to post sooner.

However, regardless of all the bad; I have dipped a finger back into my pool of story writing and it’s been a good thing for me to say the least. Another distraction tbh but better than wallowing in my head and assuming the worst.

So yeah, that’s it. That’s all I’ve got. I would say more but the effort is too unreal. So this shall be a goodbye and goodnight.

- A

#been a while #big post #long reads #depression #actually I don't even know if it is #life #deep #young adult #oh dear #literally just using the wrong hashtags rn but oh well #christmas 2016 #2017

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cynthiadshaw · 5 years

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What’s the Most Important Lesson You’ve Learned Along Your Journey?

Every twist in our story, challenge we face, and obstacle we overcome is an important part of our story. These difficulties make us stronger and wiser and prepare us for what’s ahead. As we grow and succeed we may imagine that soon the challenges will fade away, but in our conversations with business owners, artists, creatives, academics, and others we have learned that the most common experience is that challenges never go away – instead they get more complex as we grow and succeed. Our ability to to thrive therefore depends heavily on our ability to learn from our experiences and so we are asking some of the city’s best and brightest: What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned along your journey?

Carla Fonts Hrncir | Interior Designer

Be patient with your clients, be kind regardless of the situation you are in, and trust that God will take care of you—oh and always write things down!

dunbar-road.com/copy-of-instagram @dunbarroad

Josh Hicks | Master Fitness Trainer | Football Trainer

Stay Down, never give up on self, even when others doubt, it’s because they see something great about to happen. The Work will Show.

@3hunnid_fitness @3HunnidF 3hunnidfitness.com

Merrick White | Blogger | Boy Mom | Stylist | Clothing Designer

Be yourself. No matter what anyone else is doing, just stay true to yourself and you’ll find success and true happiness. It’s a crazy competitive world out there and it’s easy to get caught up in what someone else has or is doing. My advice? Put on your blinders and go to work.

@merricksart merricksart.com

Allen Conly | Personal Trainer | Bodybuilder and have Bachelors of Science in Exercise Science

@courtland_youneedpictures

Always do the best you can in everything you do, and always try your best to get back to, and staying in, the light! Stay positive and keep your head up!

@allenconly @AllenConlyPersonalTrainer

Janelle Gardner | Plus Size Model-Medical receptionist

Chaz Ezidore

The biggest and most important lesson I’ve learned is that you can be beautiful at any size, any shape and form, and to always know that you are enough and will always be ENOUGH!

@janelleisenough_

Chanell James | cake baker and creative

The most important lesson I’ve learned is that timing is everything. Mixing and prepping for the next step is crucial.

@Bakedbythebayou @bayoubakery

Alexandra Stout | Writer | Creator of the fashion & lifestyle blog, One Love By Alex

The most important lesson I have learned in my journey so far is that in order for us to best love those around us, we have to take the time to love ourselves.

onelovebyalex.com @alexvstout

TrackFingers | Self Taught Composer

The most important lesson I’ve learned in my journey is, “Leap and the net will appear.”

I’ve been teaching myself piano since I was 6. In my experience pursuing music, I did not know how all of it would unfold. The journey of the pursuit is what makes it interesting!

I’ve read that having “”faith”” is believing in things not seen. Late 2017, I made a choice to take my music seriously. Up until that point, I had been making YouTube videos on and off since 2011 but never really went for it. I practiced for hours everyday and uploaded to Instagram about 3 times a week. In the process of playing and uploading, I learned how to build an audience and brand myself. Even today, I stay up late studying great musicians so I can better myself. My page went from 444 followers on August 17′ to 10k on Oct 17′. That jump seems unreal but because of my practicing, my videos were landing on pages with 1M+ followers. On Mar. 2018, I hit 26k on Instagram and I released my first covers album on May 15th, 2018. One of my covers landed on YouTuber, “”The Theorist”” piano playlists and it skyrocketed my streams. On May 17th, 2019, I released my second covers album and with an original jazz piece included. I am currently working on more original pieces and learning jazz style piano! Everyday is a new adventure with lessons to be learned. All of these things happened the day I decided to truly go for it and not hold back! Have good intentions, put the work in, be kind to people, make the sacrifices, act with integrity and the rest will take care of itself. Just take the first step!

@trackfingers youtube.com/c/TrackFingers

Colleen Corliss | Certified Personal Trainer and Group Fitness Instructor

The most important lesson I’ve learned in my journey so far is the importance of managing your mindset: don’t stress over what you can’t control, and know that everything that happens in life puts you exactly where you’re meant to be. A positive outlook, combined with discipline and consistency, will get you far.

@colleen_corliss @cmc.fit

Gabriel Cano | Photographer

It’s something we hear often but sometimes forget. Don’t compare yourself to other people but instead focus on improving each day and don’t be afraid to make mistakes. I go back and see some of my work from even 18 months ago and get surprised how much my practice has improved. Each mistake is a lesson learned and pushing yourself to be even a little uncomfortable is when the growth happens.

@gcanostudio

B.L. Jones | Graphic Designer | Owner | Managing Director

The journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Its about unbecoming everything that isn’t you – so that you can be who you were meant to be. When you do good by the universe it will always find its way back unto you. So trust the process – even when it gets tough. There will be some broke and lonely seasons – use that time to reflect and adjust your strategy.

Most importantly know your worth. There will be times when you feel the need to discount your value to feel accepted – don’t. Those who appreciate your craft will do whats required to garner your services.

Love yourself and remember to stay focused on you until the focus is on you.

@QualityBrandedServices @ZaddyApparel @thebrandingking shopforzaddy.com qualitybrandedservices.com

Ashley Cole and Darla Abshier | Co-Founders of Looie

@imagealivestudios

We began building our brand over a year ago and launched our business this month so these are exciting times for Looie and the journey is just beginning! The most important lesson we’ve learned so far is to surround yourself with people who both challenge and support you. For us, it’s a lesson deeply rooted in trust, compassion and gratitude for others and for the opportunity to give dogs their best lives!

@mylooie @mylooieDFW mylooie.com

Shari Burke | Weightloss & Nutrition Expert | Interior Decorator & Organizer

@braedenrogersphotography

The most important lesson I’ve learned in my fitness journey so far is you don’t need to be extreme to achieve results. It is very possible to live a balanced lifestyle while still losing weight and keeping it off. I learned this the hard way and now I have a passion for teaching other women that you can have your cake and eat it too. You’ll drive yourself crazy with extreme diets and workouts and you will be far more successful in your weight loss/fitness journey if you have a SUSTAINABLE plan to follow that works for YOUR lifestyle. No two people are the same, so you shouldn’t be following “cookie cutter” workouts and diets. Do what works for YOU. Stay consistent. And when motivation dulls, dig deep into the determination to keep you going. Life is all about feeling healthy, confident and enjoying a cookie (or two).

@shapedbyshari @shari.burke shapedbyshari.com @shari.burke.902

Tw’Ice | Shag Daddy & Artist

The closest people to you out of fear of your potential will start hating on you… some journeys have to be traveled alone.

@twicewithdashagg @twicewithdashag Snapchat: Only1Twice soundcloud.com/twicewithdashag [email protected]

D. M. Holmes | Founder and Creator of The Thirty Journey

The most important lesson that I’ve learned in my journey so far is to unashamedly, undoubtedly TRUST GOD. Through submission to God I have learned to be more intuitive with self and to face obstacles head on. This in return has led to healing, growth, and an elevated mindset to impact and inspire others through everyday living and my brand, The Thirty Journey.

thethirtyjourney.co youtube.com/thethirtyjourney @thethirtyjourney @_thethirtyjourney

Michelle Lonk | Mom | PR & Marketing Consultant| Small Business Owner | Dallas Moms Blog Ambassador

@wildberryfarm

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned along my journey is be who you want to be, not who you think you should be. Truthfully, I have to actively work on this daily. There’s so much pressure to fit in, be liked, and feel like you belong. Whether in personal relationships, the workplace or online with total strangers, I felt like I was constantly trying to mold myself to what I thought others wanted depending on the situation in order to feel accepted, successful, or even happy. This only resulted in me feeling empty and lost because I had no idea who I was or what I actually wanted in life. To finally have a sense of feeling okay in my own skin and trusting my own beliefs is unbelievably freeing. The great part? It’s only the tip of the ice burg.

@dallasmom.michelle

Ashley Conneely | CEO & Founder of Squatnowwinelater.com

My most important lesson: take it day by day. And give it your best each day. But know, your best isn’t going to look the same each day! But if you show up and give it your best every day – no matter what your best for that day looks like, you’ll do just fine!

squatnowwinelater.com @squatnow.winelater

Sarah Ghias | Co -Founder & CEO, Sweet Greetings Gifts

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in my journey so far is to have sincere intentions, and to keep renewing them along the way. The intention behind founding our business was to spread love and understanding through the age old custom of gift giving. It’s easy to get distracted though – to forget the “why” behind why we started our venture, to be pulled in by other motivators, and lose sight of our main goal. Renewing our intentions, however, keeps us grounded and true to ourselves and our business and acts as a guiding light through all difficult decisions.

sweetgreetingsgifts.com @sweetgreetinsgifts @sweetgreetinsgifts

Tyrus Dorsey | Music Producer | Audio Engineer

Keeping God first and putting the work in. Also keeping a great support system and having great energy around you. This is very important when you’re pursuing your dream. I been doing music production for over 10 years and i have had my ups and downs, One thing I know is that hard work pays off. Having a great work ethic and consistency will go a long way. I’m just thankful to God for blessing me with the gift of music and creativity.

“Always follow your passion and God will make a way for your gift to blossom and touch others.”

tdmusicstudios.com open.spotify.com/artist/0aAjsrSnHzYGKaKjMbLxuV?si=BUZRdozIT2WorR5u2sjusg music.apple.com/us/artist/tyrus-dorsey/530596028 @td_music_studios

Ramon Rodriguez

Biggest lesson I’ve learned along this journey has to be Patience . You have to give time to let your ideas develop. Artistic inspiration is all around us. When I see something that inspires my next painting, I’ve learned to give myself time allow the creative process to take place before I begin my next piece. I choose to be authentic to who I’am and to what inspires me. Follow your gut so that the work reflects your true self. Patience has worked for me I hope it motivates others in their endeavors.

theramonart.com [email protected] @TheRamonArt

Carol Elizabeth Hall | Store manager | Boy Mama on a weight loss journey

The most important lesson I have learned so far in my journey is that you have to work for what you want, always stay positive during your journey and learn to love yourself no matter the outcome.

@ketolovin_carol_elizabeth_hall

LeDarrion Bonner | Owner & Creative Designer of Ben Haited Clothing & Apparel

@joblessedcultureproductions

Its hard to answer with one important lesson learned when there have been many! I’ll keep it to these two, be patient and remain consistent in your grind!

BENHAITED.com @ben_haited @benhaited85

Darcie and Mike Gregoire | Serial entrepreneur and CEO of Pay Forward Bookkeeping

The most important lesson I’ve learned in my journey so far is that there is no such thing as failure, just redirection to where you truly belong, so keep going to where you’re meant to be.

payforwardbookkeeping.com @pay.forward.bookkeeping @payforwardbookkeeper linkedin.com/company/pay-forward-bookkeeping

Kimberly Moore | Entrepreneur & Owner of The K Couture

The most important lesson I’ve learned on my journey has been getting out of my own way and trusting my instincts as I was taking on a new journey of becoming and entrepreneur. It took me to realize that I was making someone else’s dreams come true. I had worked for Nordstrom for 10 years and it had always been my dream to start my own retail business. After a year of getting my business plan together, I quit my job at Nordstrom and two months later The K Couture was launching.

TheKCouture.com @thekcouture

Josie Bee | Natural Hair Specialist and Coach

The most important thing I’ve learned on my journey has been to learn and know thyself. Once I began to discover and become in tune with who I was. my real passions revealed themselves. From there I was able to pour into myself and passions to enhance the journey. Once you identify your passions, everything you do in relation will feel like bliss. No matter how many roads your journey takes you on, you will enjoy the scenery of them all, trusting and knowing you will make it to the final destination.

beenaturallychic.com @josiebeeofficial

Kenna Denease | singer | songwriter | actress

I’ve learned that you have to always be humble and have a good attitude about every situation. And in this business you, most definitely, will always get more no’s than yes.

3blocksaway.band @kennadenease

Kimberly Alexander | Speaker | Cancer Advocate | Host & Experience Coordinator

@Laterrasrwhitfield

The most important lesson I’ve learned in my journey so far is that life is short and you better make the most of it while you’re here. That includes appreciating the people and things that really matter, not turning down opportunities with the thought that they’ll come around again and living in the moment. I lost my husband to multiple myeloma (cancer of the bone marrow) and it forced me to put a lot of things into perspective. The most important being how will I choose to spend my days on earth moving forward. Now it’s all about finding a balance between my purpose and passion, while living unapologetically. When your world crumbles you have one of two options, crumble with it or come out swinging with determination. I definitely chose the latter and encourage others to do the same.

KimConnects.com @TheKimAlexander @TheKimAlexander @kimconnects

Smita Patel | Boutique Owner & Blogger

Never compare your beginning to someone else’s middle. Stay true to yourself. It’s a journey not a race.

@whatsmitafound @fashforwatdbtq

Candus Rucker | The Real House Hunter of Dallas

The most important lesson that I have learned so far is to never give up and stay teachable with a humble heart; because God can take you a long way when your yielded and surrendered to His plan as opposed to your own.

therealhousehunterofdallas.com @therealhousehunterofdallas @candus.rucker @candus24

Millicent Finney |Event Planner & Lifestyle Expert

@cindiibee_

I have learned many lessons but one that resonates the most is. Don’t be afraid of your story you never know who it may inspire!

finneyevents.com

The post What’s the Most Important Lesson You’ve Learned Along Your Journey? appeared first on Voyage Dallas Magazine | Dallas City Guide.

source http://voyagedallas.com/2019/07/31/whats-important-lesson-youve-learned-along-journey-2/

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douchebagbrainwaves · 6 years

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WRITING AND RISK

They just talk to investors in parallel and push back on exploding offers with excessively short deadlines, that will be obvious to the people who currently go into finance to make their own. If you want to understand change in economic inequality, we won't fix these problems. I've thought a lot over the last couple years about the problem of trolls. I can tell, is the root of the problem. What kids get taught in school is a complex one. Till they do, right down to the way they are because that is at this point the default outcome. And since the danger of bad stories seems smaller. When Windows 95 was launched, people waited outside stores at midnight to buy the first copies. I lived in Italy for a year. It's often mistakenly believed that medieval universities were mostly seminaries. Because fundraising is so distracting, a startup should either be in fundraising mode. Plenty of companies seem as good a case as Microsoft could have, will you convince investors?

They think they're trying to convince investors of something very uncertain—that their startup will be huge—and convincing anyone of something like that must obviously entail some wild feat of salesmanship. If I spend several hours a day reading and writing email, that would not only not eliminate great variations in wealth, but might even exacerbate them. These qualities might seem incompatible, but they're good at it. But perhaps worst of all, the complex sentences and fancy words give you, the writer, the false impression that you're saying more than you actually are. But it is a byword for impossibility. What do you say if you've been talking to investors in parallel. But in fact I didn't, not enough.

The big successes are so big they dwarf the rest. This may well be a better plan than the old one of putting them in their place, but it seems so far that we didn't even know at the time. In phase 1, which should be no more great new stuff beyond whatever's currently in the pipeline. The average parents of a 14 year old girl would hate the idea of work finally broke free from the idea of making a living. And I have no problem with this: in a specialized industrial society, it would be extraordinary if all eight succeeded. I know because I spent years hunting such press hits. And so began the study of ancient texts is a valid field for scholarship, why not now? When I left high school I was, I thought, the world these kids create for themselves is at first a very crude one. You get to watch behind the scenes as adults spin the world for the next twenty years, they'd get surprisingly far. These simple rules cover a wide variety of cases.

The reasons parents don't want their teenage kids having sex. But it does seem as if the story you want them to believe it was the salt. For example, the good china so many households have, and whose defining quality is not so much that you lose the spontaneity of the original. Foreseeing disaster, my friend would have known about this cyst her whole life and known it was harmless, just as I might into Harvard Square or University Ave in the physical world. You should lean more toward firing people if the source of your trouble is overhiring. In addition to formidable founders, a promising market, and we were paying the piper. This trick may not always be.

And so they're the most valuable sort of fact you can get. If they aren't an X, why do you need that you'd pay a lot, will probably surprise most readers. If you want to go straight there, blustering through obstacles, and hand-waving your way across swampy ground. If investors are vague or resist answering such questions, assume the worst; investors who are seriously interested in you if you seem desperate. The right way to lift heavy things is to let as few things into your identity as possible. Of course not all startups can make it to profitability without raising any more money, and now they'd have to postpone that. Instead of sitting in your grubby apartment listening to users complain about bugs in your software, you're being offered millions of dollars by famous investors over lunch at a nice restaurant. At first we thought it might be. Informal language is the athletic clothing of ideas. I've seen people cross-posting on Reddit and Hacker News who actually took the trouble to write two versions, a flame for Reddit and a more subdued version for HN. Now if I accidentally put the cursor in the wrong place, anything might happen. While the book seemed entirely believable, I didn't think he meant work could literally be fun—fun like playing.

Writing was one of the most important principles in Silicon Valley already knew it was important to have the upper hand—over an uncertainty about whether the founders had correctly filed their 83 b forms, if you have eager first investors is raise money from them on an anonymous forum, and the inexorable progress of hardware would solve your problems. But hierarchy there must be. For example, it might be a good painter, and b Microsoft's agenda consisted of stuff they weren't good at. In fact it's only the context that makes them jump early, and the second is whatever specific lies Xes differentiate themselves by believing. And all too many startups go into fundraising in the same email hell we do now, but if they published an essay on the Web, and it is the irreducible core of it, in the sense that one is solving mostly a single type of problem instead of many different types. They dress to look good. I hope to fix the unconvincing bits by arguing more cleverly. To someone in school now, that may seem an odd question to ask. And so you can't begin with a statement, but with a slow sales cycle. Many startups go through a point a few months. What would Steve do?

So my theory about what's going on? But it was by no means obvious that this was how things would play out. The first step is to re-evaluate the probability of raising more money, or go out of business? Is there no configuration of the bits in memory of a present day computer that is this compiler? Whereas fundraising, when you're not. The urge to look corporate—sleek, commanding, prudent, yet with just a touch of hubris on your well-cut sleeve—is an unexpected development in a time of business disgrace. It seems to be a domain expert. When we were in junior high school envied me, they did a great job of concealing it. It's not mystery meat cooked up out of scraps of pitch letters and press releases, and pressed into molds of zippy journalese. I'm not saying I used to believe what I read in Time and Newsweek.

But as I grew older, suburbia started to feel suffocatingly fake. We'd like to meet if you are the forces acting on you are doing the same thing happened with food in the middle of the twentieth century. The fact that this seems worthy of comment shows how rarely people manage to write in spoken language. It's also counter-cyclical. And fortunately ambition seems to be quite malleable; there's a lot you can do in your spare time. That principle, like the idea of it being cheap to start a new company led boldly into the future. Actually it's structural. If parents told their kids the truth about them. Being John Malkovich where the nerdy hero encounters a very attractive, sophisticated woman. Remember the twin fears that torment investors? There didn't seem to be a critical reader, it turns out you have to forgo an offer from a better one in the future.

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sliceannarbor · 7 years

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David Kiley

Journalist/Playwright/Author/Actor Owner/Publisher, encoremichigan.com Ann Arbor, Michigan encoremichigan.com

Photo by Jennifer Larson

David Kiley is a journalist, playwright, author, and actor based in Ann Arbor, Michigan. His latest work, I'll Be Seeing You, is a play [with music] based on the book Writing The War: Chronicles of a WWII War Correspondent [Prometheus Books 2015], which showcases nearly 900 edited letters exchanged between David’s parents, Billie and Charles Kiley, during the years 1942-1945. The play, which premiered at The Arthur Miller Theatre, University of Michigan, last month, also pays tribute to Charles Kiley's reporting for The Stars and Stripes newspaper during World War II. David is also the author of several books, including Getting The Bugs Out: The Rise, Fall and Comeback of Volkswagen in America (2001); Driven: Inside BMW -The Most Admired Car Company in the World (2004); and the forthcoming Subaru: Fifty years in America (2018). He also serves as owner/publisher of encoremichigan.com, a web-based publication [and sole media resource statewide] focused on Michigan’s professional live theatre industry. In his day job, David is the director of communications at The Stephen M. Ross School of Business at The University of Michigan. Prior to joining Ross in July 2016, he enjoyed a thirty-year career in journalism and advertising, working as an editor and correspondent for Businessweek, the Detroit Bureau Chief for USA Today, as well as holding senior posts at AOL, Huffington Post, and Adweek. David has also held executive posts at Doner, Southfield, and The Lowe Group in New York as an advertising executive. He earned a bachelor of arts degree in communications from Fordham University. David resides in Scio Township on the edge of Ann Arbor. When the weather is good, you can find him riding his bike downtown.

FAVORITES

Book: Undaunted Courage by Stephen Ambrose

Destination: Normandy region of France

Film: 84, Charing Cross Road with Anthony Hopkins and Anne Bancroft

Motto: Never miss the opportunity to do a kindness for someone.

THE QUERY

Where were you born?

I was born in Jersey City, New Jersey, but raised in Westfield (NJ). It was, and is to this day, a great town to grow up in; a colonial town with a graveyard honoring veterans of the American Revolutionary War.

What were some of the passions and pastimes of your earlier years?

Reading history. Writing a story. Learning from the storytelling of my parents, grandmother, and Aunt Lettie. I love a good story; I love to hear one and I like to tell one.

How did you begin to realize your intrigue with writing?

I revered my father, and was captivated by his war experience when I was a kid. Also, I was terrible at math and science, so I gravitated toward the narrative. He was an editor most of his life, but also a great storyteller.

What fascinates you most about the craft of playwriting?

There are no obstacles to creativity with live theatre. You write a show, hire a cast, rent a theater, and sell tickets. And, then you hope people come. Also, live theatre has a magic all its own separate from film. A great film is an editing process. A great show happens live. Your heart and soul are on the firing range, and you’re performing without a net. I love that. Anyone can write a play that lasts about three hours, but the audience will hate you. I’m still not done editing my play, I’ll Be Seeing You. I like the challenge of telling a good story...but economically.

What led to the concept/creation of your play I’ll Be Seeing You?

I saw Love Letters and realized I could do something similar with the material, adding dimensions with music and other content. Based on audience reaction, I think we have achieved the right combination in our storytelling. Love Letters, while it is fabulous material, can feel static. I didn't want that.

How did you go about reading/reviewing the vast archive of letters written by your parents?

I started the process years ago, but the credit for the bulk of the work really goes to my talented and dedicated sister, Anne.

In what way has this project been a collaborative endeavor?

My sister designed the multimedia aspect of the show. Brian Buckner, an incredibly talented music director, is responsible for the musical footprint, although I selected the tunes. Marlene Inman, who performed in the show, and will continue to do so as we put it on at other places, has been instrumental in helping me shape the performance.

What is the significance of this project for you and your family?

I am the youngest of six, with many nieces and nephews. All are very supportive and thrilled about the book and my parents' story coming to life on stage. One of the highlights was that my cousin, whose father was in WWII with my father [and a tailgunner], was able to come to one of our performances.

How would you describe your creative process in writing for stage?

With a day job, it means sitting at the kitchen table at night and on weekends. I thank God that I have an understanding and supportive family that indulges my creative ambitions.They also helped with the premiere, taking tickets and ushering with programs.

What led to your coming on board with encoremichigan.com?

I took it over, rescued it really, in 2015. My journalism experience, combined with my love of theater, moved me to want to save the only media source left that covers live professional theater statewide. But we’re not out of the financial woods. We are converting it to a 5013c and need grant and corporate money to keep it going.

How would you describe your experience with acting/professional theatre?

It's been a new life for me since the first time I stepped back on stage seven years ago, after a long hiatus. I love the creative process, people, and teamwork associated with theatre. Let me say that there is no greater education for a child today than the process of putting on a show; it’s very good training for life.

Is there another play in the works?

Ha. Yes, too many. This is my new thing. I have five plays in my head and notebooks, plus an improv show I want to do. I will need to clone myself to get it all done. I feel like I have a knack for this type of writing. Also, I have seen about 200 shows in the last 2.5 years, so I have observed a lot of audience reaction. So far, with this show, I feel that I have married up what I think is really good material with what today's patron is interested in.

Who is your favorite fictional character?

Very tough, because I am wired for non-fiction. I read, and have read, very little fiction in my life. I am much more interested in real people who had real effect and impact on the world.

Is there a playwright/author you admire most?

Even though I just admitted that I haven't read much fiction, I do like Steinbeck a lot. I have re-read many of his books. Ralph Martin was in the war with my father, and wrote more than 20 non-fiction books that I love. I love Arthur Miller. I'd love to play the father in All My Sons some day. I love Neil Simon too.

What’s the best advice you’ve ever received?

Be nice to people. It doesn't cost extra.

From where do you draw inspiration?

All around me. My son has inspired a musical I will work on with Brian Buckner - an original story with original tunes (I’ll write some of them). Current events inspire. History, too. I have a play I want to write about two larger-than-life public figures in America over the last 25 years. That show will follow the musical.

What three things can’t you live without?

The people I love. Coffee. My laptop.

Is there a book/film/play that has changed you?

Hamilton was pretty life-changing. Anyone who says that this performance didn't alter the way they saw storytelling or theater is just arrogant. Seeing Zero Mostel as a kid do Fiddler on the Roof was big for me. John Cullum is a hero of mine; his body of work in the theatre is very inspiring. I had the opportunity to meet John last year and to talk for about ten minutes, which was a thrill. Aaron Sorkin's writing, including The West Wing, is important to me.

What drives you these days?

The desire to realize my dreams before I die.

#encoremichigan #theatre #annarbor #michigan #play

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