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Being with you Pt. 1

Characters: Sammy Guevara x Reader

...Potentially Chris Jericho x Reader in the future :O

Summary: You’ve been best friends with Sammy for several years now, and you finally decide it’s time to give it a chance with him. As much as you both want each other, it’s your individual futures that come into question...

Warnings: fluff/smut

Taglist: @fiskers7136  @princessminjikwon @im-a-nerd-fight-me @allelitexo​ @donnithestar @jonsmoxley @lilred91​

I know some people have asked to be on the tag list .. I’m going to make a new post to get my new people on the tag list! 

Sammy was so excited that you were finally a part of the AEW team. He had been trying hard for months to get you to be a part of the tech team, with your years of experience working behind the scenes for your local news outlet in Houston he finally was able to work into getting you an interview and you were hired on the spot. Being one of his best friends for the past 7 years or so definitely was interesting. There was this constant flirtation between the two of you but you resisted on pursuing anything more with him. Although you had a feeling things would now change between the two of you now that you were working together.

"Oh man, your girl is finally here huh?" Santana said to Sammy backstage in the Inner Circle locker room. "Yeah..dude I'm so excited...especially with my birthday celebration.. it's gonna be a good time. She even said she'd room with me." The others laughed, they saw his excitement. He talked about you constantly, he always wanted more but was afraid because of the things you expressed you wanted for your future, in particular a family. You were 3 years older than him, and just turned 30. The types of guys you dated just didn't hold up to what you wanted which is why you figured you'd take on this new adventure of traveling for your job and meeting new people. "We can't wait to meet her!" Chris said, he was always supportive of Sammy and looked at him like a son. "Well, why wait, let me see where she's at." Sammy said reaching for his phone.

You were in the middle of a meeting and getting familiar with the equipment when your phone buzzed. You checked quickly and smiled when you saw it was Sammy wondering where you were. You texted him back sharing your location as you went back to carrying on with the equipment. You loved being around the talent and meeting the girls, although you weren't a performer you sure liked to present yourself well. Even if you had jeans an an AEW crew shirt on, your hair and makeup was one thing you always did.

You felt two arms sneak up from behind you wrapping them around your waist. You smiled. "Hey Sammy." you say then turn around. "Hey gorgeous" he said with a grin. "The guys want to meet you, are you busy?" You glance around, "I think I could sneak off for a few minutes." "Perfect." he says taking your hand. As you walk closer to what seems to be a locker room he looks over at you and you look at him, "What?" you say trying not to smile. "I'm just really happy you're here." You then let that smile out, "Yeah me too, birthday boy." "Best birthday present ever, you being here with me." You shake your head and try not to blush, he's always had that affect on you.

Truthfully, the reason you two never got together in the past was that he was pretty honest about being on the road and the occasional hookups at the bar with whatever promotion he was working with. You respected that honesty, and you saw the playboy he could be, it was something you weren't interested in..even though there was definitely a physical attraction between the two of you.

When he was back home from being on the road, he was always at your door. Missing you, wanting to hang out, and you found yourself falling asleep on the couch in his arms most weekends.

Sammy knocked on the door, "Is everyone decent?" he shouted. "Yep!" they all shouted back in unison. He opened the door and led you inside his locker room where you saw some very familiar faces from TV. "Everyone this is Y/N... Y/N this is everyone." "Hey guys!" you said joyfully. Jericho came up to you first, "It's nice to meet you." he said putting out his hand. "This guy talks about you nonstop, it's nice to finally meet you and have you join our team." You were grinning so hard, "Oh wow.. thank you.. sorry I've just been a huge fan like my whole life." you say feeling your cheeks turn red. Sammy started laughing at you to which you then hit his arm. Jericho laughed and then smiled one of those very charming smiles of his, "yeah I heard." You then look over at Sammy, "you just tell everyone everything about me, huh?" Sammy shrugged. "He's mildly obsessed with you." Jake added in the background. You giggled, "Yeah I'm starting to realize that since everyone knows everything about me." you say. You look over at Sammy and the way he's looking at you is slightly different..you've loved him dearly as a friend but the way he's looking at you is more than a friend. "Well I guess I should get back to it." you say. Sammy walks you back out. "So tonight." he mentions. "yeah I'm excited to celebrate." "Yeah me too." he says. "I'm excited you're staying with me." "Yeah I figure why not..we've shared a bed plenty of times before." "I don't know if i'll be able to keep my hands to myself this time though." You look at him, he shrugs, "Just being honest." "Mmhmm" you respond.

------

You're back in the hotel room before Sammy is trying to figure out the right dress to wear to the bars tonight and as you find the one you want he walks into the room. "Hot damn!" he says right away, "What a beautiful sight to walk in on." "Oh shush!" you say brushing him off. "No seriously." he says, he sits down on the edge of the bed. "Come here." he licks his lips and you walk over to him. A while ago you decided tonight would be the night you finally gave into your emotions, to your needs, you wants from him. He grabs your waist and looks up at you, "Goddamn, I need you..." he says softly. You look down and then he stands up and grabs you by the back of your head pulling you into so that your lips collide. He pulls the dress off of you and you feel your back hit the bed, everything is happening so quickly and your body is responding to his every touch. "Do you want this?" he asks while he's on top of you, looking in your eyes. You nod your head, "Yes, i need you." you say. He strips the rest of his clothes off that were still on and enters you with ease. Your body was so ready for him. "Shit" he curses because of how good you feel. The way he plays with your clit while he thrusts in and out of you makes you come to orgasm multiple times. "Fuck" you curse back, "You feel so good" you follow up with. He's close to coming to his climax and you feel him release on your inner thigh. He falls back on the bed beside you. "Wow" he said. You look over and smile. "Yeah wow." you follow up with. "Fucking 8 years i've waited for this." he says and you laugh. "Seriously, Y/N..." "I know Sammy.." you say. "We should get ready for your party." you say. "Yeah." he looks at you, wanting to tell you how he feels but he doesn't want to scare you off, not yet. Not when he just finally got you.

You & Me : chapter 22

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.5 - 4.8k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: i havent even written half of what I wanted to be written in this chapter so they will have an other discussion in the next chapter, and they’ll spend an other day together. i feel like the song thing wasnt as good as it should have been. so i feel like it really sucks. i just hope it doesnt.

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : heres the few requests i used. i suggest you dont read them before reading the chapters tho!

Chapter 22 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

Just as I opened the door to leave, I came face to face with Louis who rolled his eyes and laughed. I knew I should have left a while ago but the truth was, I hadn't shaved in 4 days and my hair was a mess. I was pretty sure it wouldn't bother Niall but it bothered me and I had to do something about it.

After trying out too many dresses, Julie, Eleanor and I gave up for the day and ended up at the restaurant with a few glasses of wine. We talked, we laughed, and I tried to keep the conversation as far from Niall as I could. I was still trying to sort out how I felt, or mostly, what I wanted, and I felt like it was something I had to do alone. I could lie and pretend I didn't love Niall but it was too late. In fact, I have never stopped loving him and I was not sure I ever would. Possibly, if we stopped talking and seeing each other, I could live with someone else, get married with someone else and be happy to a certain extent, but being around him without being with him would be impossible. I've done that for so many years before we started dating and it made me miserable. If there was one thing I was sure, it's that if I ended up with someone else than Niall, I would cut him out of my life for good. That thought made me want to throw up but I just breathed in, trying to calm myself. I hadn't taken that decision yet and I was not ready to, anyway.

"Five more minutes and you'll be late."

"I'm already late, Louis." I just said, shaking my head.

"Yea no, I told him half an hour, not 15 minutes like you had said. I know you and he does too. Don't lie to yourself, Olivia. You're always late."

"Well, i'm an artist!" I tried to defend myself with a small amused smile.

"Yea yea, use that excuse if you want." Louis chuckled, walking in. "Niall's waiting for you. Hurry or he'll already be asleep!"

"That drunk huh?" I raised my nose up. I sort of hoped we could have a discussion, or maybe I just wanted to feel myself beneath him. I was not sure. Either way, my plan was gonna have to change.

"No he seemed a bit better when we came back."

"Came back from where?" I frowned, tilting my head.

Louis' lips curled and he put his hands in his pockets before looking down and chuckling. He looked up at me again and laughed some more before shaking his head.

"No, no way, he'll tell you himself." he finally said, making me grimace. "He's got a surprise for you."

"Whatever, I don't have time to insist." I smiled and rolled my eyes, walking past him and bringing his face closer to kiss his cheek. "Thanks for calling me, Lou."

He turned around to look at me as I walked to my car and raised his voice to make sure I hear him.

"You take care on the road yea? Call me if you need anything!"

I smiled and nodded. "Don't worry. Now call your girlfriend!"

I quickly hopped in my car and drove to Niall's, feeling suddenly a lot more nervous than I probably should. I didn't know why, it was definitely not the first time I was seeing him, and everything was going so well between us, almost as well as it was before he broke up with me. Of course, we had many things to discuss again but we were on the right path, I could feel it. I shook my head, realizing I was talking about him as if we were dating, or at least, as if I was not supposed to marry someone else, and it made me feel guilty.

However, when he opened the door, all the emotions fighting inside of me suddenly disappeared, All I felt was love and my lips curled into a smile, just like his.

"Thanks so much for coming." he let out, moving a bit to let me in, and closed the door behind me. "I just want you to know that I was not jerking off to your nude. Louis just said that because-"

"He's an ass, I know." I chuckled before licking my lips. "Does that mean my nude was not good fapping material?"

His face changed into a few different expressions but finally, he raised his eyebrows and moved closer to me, bending down slightly to slip his arms around my waist and taking a step closer, forcing me to take a step back until my ass pressed against the couch.

"That nude is definitely great fapping material, I didn't say I wouldn't use it, I just meant that I was not doing it tonight, big difference."

My lips curled more and I chuckled as he bent down to kiss me. It was wrong, I knew it, but I couldn't help myself to let him kiss me and touch me again. I never had enough and I probably never would have.

"You're drunk." I let out before kissing him again.

"Mm, yea, a bit."

I laughed and shook my head. "Come on, let's go to bed yea?"

He groaned and his lips found my neck, making me laugh again. I loved how cuddly he became after drinking and I felt his mouth leaving small kisses on my skin, making goosebumps appear.

"Will you let me hold you and cuddle you?"

I smiled and nodded and with a low sigh, he pulled away. We walked to his room but kept the lights off and I helped him with his shirt and pants before getting undressed too, picking his shirt off the floor and putting it on. We both lied down in bed, facing each other, and I could see his drunk smile even in the darkness.

"Olivia, I love you. I think I always will."

I knew he was past the tipsy stage but I couldn't hide that his words made me smile. I moved closer and brought my hand to his cheek, letting my fingertips brush on it.

"You think?" I asked in a whisper, an amused smile reaching my lips.

"I know. I know I will always love you." he corrected himself, making me chuckle again. "And that nude, oh god, pet, just thinking about it makes me hard, look."

He grabbed my fingers before I could do anything and brought it over his boxers. As soon as I felt the shape of his cock on my palm, I moved my hand away. My heart had skipped a beat and I chuckled nervously before raising my eyebrows.

"Hey, don't do that!" I let out with a laugh, making him laugh too.

"You know I jerk off a lot thinking about you?" he mumbled. "That time you slept here, I walked to your room and saw you naked. Fuck, Liv, It got me so horny. It was the first time I saw you naked in over a year. I'm sorry, I swear it was an accident, but it made me so hard I had to jerk off in the shower."

My lips parted and my breath caught in my throat. I remembered that day very well... a bit too well. "You... wait, what?"

He groaned and moved his head before looking back at me again. "I know! I'm so sorry! I think I even moaned your name when I came."

I stared at him a few more seconds as his eyes moved quickly on my face. I pressed my lips together, feeling my heart thump hard in my chest as I tried to decide if I should tell him what I did or not.

"That day I... I sort of walked to your room to ask you for something and I saw you... in the shower." I admitted as he frowned.

"Really? How did you like it?" he asked, his lips curling into a smile. "You never told me."

I wanted to tell him that I actually touched myself next to him without him knowing but for some reasons, the words wouldn't come out and I stopped trying when he whimpered low and more closer, pulling me against him.

"Say you love me, petal. You love me right?"

I smiled a bit, leaving a soft kiss on his jaw. "I love you, Niall."

"I'm also the best fuck you ever had, I have to be." he added in a mutter, making me laugh this time. "I am, petal, tell me I am. I'm better than Louis, at least, yea?"

I moved back a bit to look at him again and frowned. I was a bit surprised by his request since he was never the type to be insecure and I just licked my lips.

"Does that really scare you?"

His face changed in a funny face and he shrugged. "Ha, no." he told me before his face changed slightly. "Okay maybe a bit."

I brought my hand back to his cheek and I suddenly got serious. I didn't want him to keep thinking about that, it was seriously useless to be scared of that.

"I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, and more than I'll ever love anyone else. And you're the best fuck I've ever had, and ever will have."

His lips curled into a smirk and he chuckled low. "I know. Now pretend I never asked."

I rolled my eyes and brought my lips to his, kissing him slowly as he answered my kiss. We didn't go further, we just kept kissing gently and deeply until we fell asleep and it was the very first time I had done something like that. When I woke up, the way I had fallen asleep came back to my mind and I felt a stupid grin draw itself on my lips. That was a bit embarrassing yet that was the most romantic thing we ever did together.

I got up slowly, making sure I wouldn't wake him up, and went to the bathroom before going to the kitchen with pills that I left on the counter. I finally made coffee and found eggs and bread, knowing he may not eat at all. I heard a groan behind me and I smiled despite myself until I felt his arms slip around my waist. His lips reached for my neck and I chuckled, moving my shoulder up.

"It tickles!" I admitted, turning to look at him with a smile. "Your stubble."

He laughed and moved away, grabbing a cup and filling it with coffee before literally swallowing the pills with the warm beverage. I remained silent and put the eggs in a plate, leaving it on the counter between us and grabbing the bread in the toaster.

"No thanks, just eggs is fine." he just shook his head as I handed him a toast.

He handed me a fork and we started eating together, still standing up and facing each other. I wanted it to be that way every single day of my life until I'd die. I wanted to wake up with him, eat breakfast with him, and spend the day with him. All my days. Every fucking day.

"What do you wanna do today?" I just asked, seeing him stop moving from the corner of my eyes.

"You're spending the day with me?"

I shrugged and pressed my lips together to make sure I wouldn't smile too big. "If you want me to."

"So many useless words coming from such a pretty mouth."

"Shut up!" I laughed. "You should have heard yourself last night!"

He grimaced and I laughed some more before shaking my head. I moved closer and wrapped both my arms around his neck, quickly pressing my lips against his. He closed his eyes and his arms slithered around my waist pulling me closer.

"What was that for?" he asked in a whisper, staring in my eyes with a smile when I pulled away.

"I was thinking of going for a walk at the park, and since we won't be able to do that there, I thought it was appropriated to do it here before we left."

His smile turned into a smirk and he raised his eyebrows. "You know what we could do before we leave?"

I laughed again and shook my head, taking a step back. God I loved him so much. How did I always feel so beautiful and desirable when I was with him was beyond me. At first, I thought it was just a way to see if he could still get me somehow, and then I thought maybe he just missed the time we were dating but now? Now I was starting to realize that perhaps it was just me. He wanted me, and he loved me. And that conclusion was exactly what I wanted.

"Maybe later." I proposed with a smile. "Let's go out. Fresh air will be good for your headache."

He groaned again and I laughed some more, walking back to his room to get my bag. I quickly got dressed, the smile on my face never faltering. Was that how it would be if I was with Niall? Would I always be happy, in love and excited to spend time with him? Realistically, I knew it was impossible to always be happy or always smile. Everyone had bad days and living with someone, or even just dating someone, was not perfect, but I felt like if I was with Niall, it would come very close to it.

He came back to the room just as I was done and started getting changed in front of me, making me roll my eyes but chuckle. It took him fifteen minutes to get ready as I waited for him next to the front door and when he appeared, my eyebrows raised.

"Wow, you look good." I pointed out.

"Those are just pants and a shirt. Why? Did you change your mind? We can spend the day in the bedroom if you want!"

I laughed again, perfectly aware that he wanted to go out as much as I did, and took a step closer before grabbing his hand in mine and staring at him. After about a minute, he frowned.

"What are we waiting for exactly?"

I squeezes his hand in mine and licked my lips. "Just trying to imagine what it would feel like to walk around with you while holding your hand."

"How does it feel?" he finally asked in a whisper.

I only send him a soft smile and let go of his hand before walking out of his house. He followed me to my car and I got behind the wheel as he took a seat on the passenger's side. He didn't comment but I knew he preferred when we used his car, perhaps it had something with keeping the control or something like that, but this time, I just wanted to choose the place. I brought him back to the park we had gone to meet last time and we walked around, enjoying the sun and the weather. It was quite a big and popular park but he had a cap on and I was clearly not famous enough to be recognized. I frowned a bit when he stepped out of the traced path to reach a part with a lot less people and sat in the grass as I did the same. We hadn't talked at all and it was not awkward. Silence was never awkward between us. After a while, I just lied down in the grass and crossed my ankles to stare at the sky. It took him a few seconds but he did the same and I noticed he had kept both his hands on his chest.

"That's a dragon." I let out, "A dragon who clearly doesn’t spit out fire. More like, bubbles or something."

I brought my arm up and traced the clouds with one of my fingers as he chuckled.

"That looks more like a snowman to me."

"A snowman? Do you have imagination at all?" I argued, raising my nose up before using a dumb voice. "Oh look, a cloud that's shaped like a cloud?"

He laughed too and I glanced at him right on time to see him lick his lips. "Okay, a few sheep then. And a fence." he paused. "Okay this one looks like two persons having sex."

"No, Niall, that's just projection."

This time, he let out a louder laughter and I smiled more. I turned back to the sky, feeling a cold breeze on my cheeks, and my eyes fluttered. My heart did exactly the same when I felt Niall's fingers grip my hand that was laying on the grass, between us.

"No PDA, remember?"

"Yea I'm re-thinking that rule."

I felt something jump in my chest as the surprise took over me but decided not to say anything. The more time I was spending with Niall, the more I realized that he had changed, and a lot. He was more mature, more balanced and clearly way more ready to settle than he used to be.

The day went by very well. We grabbed food on our way back, ate in the car and ended up at the movies. When we walked back inside his house, I felt tired and stretched with a yawn.

"Wine?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Beer is fine."

I followed him to the kitchen and sat on the counter as I looked at him open a beer and throw the cap in the bin. He took a sip and once again I rolled my eyes as he handed it to me.

"When I open it, there's a tax." he explained as If I didn't already know that rule. It had been instituted when we were teens and he had never stopped doing it since then.

"The tax could be something else than a sip, you know." I proposed with a smirk.

"Okay, show me your tits, then."

"You already took a sip." I pointed out.

"Take a sip of my beer and we'll be even. And then, show me your tits."

I laughed but ignored his request before I licked my lips.

"Yesterday you told me you saw me naked a few weeks ago and jerked off thinking about me int he shower." I told him, suddenly a bit stressed. "Remember?"

"Clearly."

I looked down at my beer as he stood near me, his right side leaned against the counter.

"I saw you in the shower." I added.

"Yea I remember you telling me that last night too." he smiled.

"Mm, when I saw you it turned me on. I.. I touched myself, too. While you were jerking off in the shower. I literally masturbated with you but you never saw me."

His lips parted a bit and he put his beer away before letting out the air in his lungs quickly. His eyebrows raised again and he moved between my legs, grabbing the beer from my hands and putting it away with his as he spread his hands on my thighs. He didn't say anything else, he just reached for the hem of my pants and immediately, I held myself with my hands on the counter and moved my ass up. He pulled on my pants, bringing my panties with them and let them fall on the floor before taking a step back.

"Get your feet on the counter, spread those thighs, darling."

I felt my heart jump in my chest and bit my bottom lip before doing what he asked. His gaze immediately dropped between my legs and he grabbed a chair, placing it in front of me before sitting on it. He made a quick chin movement in my direction before looking up in my eyes.

"Show me what you did." he let out. "Do it like I'm not here."

It took me a few seconds to react but I brought two fingers to my mouth, leaving some spit on them before bringing them between my legs. I let my fingers brush on my clit and slip inside me for a few seconds before going back to my clit. I couldn't take my eyes off of him and the way he was looking at me with a stoic face was driving me insane.

"You know, last time was easier because you were touching yourself."

I had no idea what went through his head but he kept looking at my fingers rubbing against my clit and slipping inside me alternately for a few minutes and finally took his cock out and started stroking it very slowly. The sight made a whimper escape my lips and my thighs tensed as I reached for my clit again. He looked amazing and there was nothing I wanted more than to watch him touch himself until he'd reach an orgasm except maybe feeling him inside me. My eyes were stuck on his cock and when he started leaking precum, I took my hand away from my pussy.

"I think you should come here and fuck me."

"No, you come here and sit on me."

I nodded quickly and moved off the counter before straddling him, still holding myself with my feet on the floor. He watched his cock enter me as I sat on it and let out a curse word as I quickly took my shirt and bra off. Once again, I was naked and he was completely dressed but I didn't mind. I felt at ease to be vulnerable in front of him, and that thought brought me close to tears.

I started moving up and down on him and I felt his hands run on my breasts, stomach, back an ass. He spanked me gently and then a bit harder, making me ride him quicker. It felt too good and my whole body started throbbing as I came close to an orgasm. He groaned and I felt his hands on my hips, helping me up. It made me frown but I followed his lead as he took my hand and brought it between my legs. I started rubbing my clit again and whimpered as I saw him jerk or again. I could feel the tip of his cock brush between my legs with each stroke of his hand and when he came, he pushed my hand away and I felt myself start shaking, his cum spurting against my clit as the tip of his cock brushed against it, helping me reach my peak too. I quivered and moaned, hearing him groan and the whole sight was just too hot. I knew it would probably make a mess but I really didn't give a fuck. I was panting as I slowly got down from my high and reached between my legs with my hand, my fingers brushing on my sensitive clit as I spread his cum on my pussy.

"That was so hot." I confessed in a whisper, making him look up in my eyes.

He got up without answering and grabbing my face to kiss me hard. I felt his cock press against my stomach and moaned in his mouth as he smiled through the kiss.

"Stay naked." he murmured as I nodded before I followed him to his room.

I saw him take off his clothes too and went to the bathroom to clean a bit before getting back in bed. He turned the lights off and we stayed together in silence, just watching the ceiling.

"Heidi sent me a picture of you in a wedding dress." he finally just randomly said after a few minutes. "That's why I didn't answer your text message, I was just so... flabbergasted by how good you looked."

I felt a wave of hated for Heidi for half a second but when I realized what Niall had said, it quickly vanished. I knew I looked ridiculous, no matter which dress he had seen me in, but the fact that he thought I looked great made my whole body feel warm suddenly.

"I want a future with you, Olivia." he just admitted, leaving me speechless.

He turned to me and pulled me closer before I heard him start singing. I closed my eyes to focus on his words and besides his voice, all I could hear was the sound of my heartbeats.

"My mind is complicated Find it hard to rearrange it But I'll have to find a way somehow Overreacting lately Find it hard to say I'm sorry But I'll make it up to you somehow

And I just don't know why The stars won't shine at night

Tell me you want it A thousand miles away from the day that we started But I'm standing here with you just tryna be honest If honesty means telling you the truth Well, I'm still in love with you

Did I miscalculate this? Let's just go back to basics Forget about what's come and gone 'Cause I hate to see us like this Breaking up on nights just like this We should be shooting for them stars of gold

So tell me you want it A thousand miles away from the day that we started But I'm standing here with you just tryna be honest If honesty means telling you the truth Then I guess we lost our focus And it's killing me that we could go to war like this But I'm standing here with you just tryna be honest If honesty means telling you the truth Well I'm still in love with you

Oh, we'll be alright Oh, it'll be alright Oh, we'll be alright Oh, it'll be alright

So tell me you want it A thousand miles away from the day that we started But I'm standing here with you just tryna be honest If honesty means telling you the truth I guess we lost our focus And it's killing me that we could go to war like this But I'm standing here with you just tryna be honest If honesty means telling you the truth Well I'm still in love with you"

I held my breath for so long I thought I was just going to pass out but I inhaled again when I felt tears fall down my cheeks. He sniffed and my eyes fluttered open only to see him crying. We just stayed there, laying in the dark, looking at each other, both crying, overwhelmed by feelings we didn't really know how to handle. I moved closer and kissed his lips until he deepened the kiss. I tasted the saltiness of his tears and he probably tasted mine, but we didn't care. All that mattered was his warm naked body against mine and the words he had sang to me.

"I love you so much." he sobbed to me in a whisper. "I wrote this the first day I saw you again at the bakery."

I wanted to tell him that I wanted it, just like he asked. I wanted to tell him that I was ready to jump back into this, to be with him and give us an other chance, but I just couldn't. I breathed in deeply and took a decision though. I was going to break up with Dylan. Clearly, it was not working and whether I decided to be with Niall again or not, I couldn't just keep Dylan around and keep on hurting him for weeks.

"That's one of the most beautiful songs I ever heard, Niall." I murmured, feeling my lips brush against his. "All of your songs for me..."

I cried again, letting more tears fall on my cheeks.

"We did lose our focus it's true... but it's back. I focus on you Niall. And you're right, we'll be alright."

I heard him break down again and it broke my heart. I brought my mouth on his against and we kissed some more. I felt his hand on my back and his fingers holding me so tight that they sank in my skin. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him but there were no words. I wish we could have a longer conversation and I felt like there were so many things left unsaid that clearly needed to be heard, but there was no way I was going to ruin this moment.

"I love you, Niall. We'll be alright." I repeated low before I heard his voice crack slightly.

"We'll be alright."

hi there honeybun!! 💘✨🌼 how are you doing love?? i saw that you posted some hc today,, i thought they were very cute! 💕 you should know that when you do get those little bursts of inspiration, you truly do such amazing things darling!! burn-out really does feel awful, no? (1/9)

"well i should say that i saw the anon's dream... wow,, that sounds as if it came straight out of an action movie!!! (which happen to be my favorite genre alongside drama) honestly, i would wake up in a cold sweat too if i dreamt up something like that,, such high intensity warrants lots of emotion for me haha, not to mention that i am quite the skittish person myself (as morgy already knows by now 😅) by the way dear anon, if you do end up finishing the dream, i'd love to hear it hehehe (2/9)

dreams are a funny thing for me,, considering they are either night terrors, surreal/nonsensical, or intensely dramatic,, i don't think i've ever had a straight up pleasant dream before! i can also remember a lot of them, and i like to tell my friends about some of my craziest dreams!! oh, and a little fun tidbit is that i can dream in both color and black/white!! (3/9)

dreaming has always been such a fascinating concept to me, there have been days with my friends where all i'll do is talk about dreams with people,, it's pretty relaxing, especially if the dreams you discuss are nightmares!! it's nice to get such things out of your system after all! 💭 (4/9)

mamma mia,, sorry for the ramble, it annoys most people after a while,, i have a tendency to talk about certain things for a while 😖 well, today consisted of mostly sewing for me, both by hand and with a machine... needless to say my fingers are bruised up now 😂 i bruise pretty easily, so it's normal i guess,, (5/9)

and i have some people now asking me to make them stuff!! i'd love to but with a lack of motivation and being in a rough spot lately, i don't think i have the capacity for that hehe, maybe some time in the future!! (6/9)

waifu bro was able to show me more of the movie script!! the movie is actually based on his personal interpretation of the song hotel california by the eagles,, it's one of our all-time favorites!! he might actually have me cover the song for him soon!! he said it would mostly receive a mature rating since it is very dark in subject matter, but if he actually ends up producing it, i bet i would be old enough to see it when it releases!! (7/9)

and oh my, a whole year of singing lessons,, i bet you sound amazing dear!! my family could never afford that sort of stuff, so naturally i just sing along to songs casually hehe,, i bet you would've made for an amazing singer amore 💖💖 (8/9)

oh dio, it's now 0:50!! time flies fast when i'm doing the things i love 😊 then that's it for tonight i suppose! buonanotte e sogni d'oro, dolcezza ☀💓 - always with love, waifu xoxo 😍😳😘❤💗💓💕💖💞💘💌💋 ps: if the film ends up being produced in the future, will you go see it with me? 🥺👉👈 (9/9)"

God love again you praise me way too much trust me im really not THAT good at singing esp since i havent attended the lessons bc of the current situation ever since march i think so im a lil rusty even tho i sing by myself many times around the house....if anything i'd say my voice sounds lowkey weird since im an alto and was told i had the deepest timbre out of the girls and it wouldnt be the first time anyway🤡✌️but nevertheless theres much to improve and it aint perfect dhshhzhz and the hcs i wrote were kinda minimal but im glad u liked them?? also watching the movie with you?? A B S O L U T E L Y

I love hotel california but then again its a classic its only natural 😳 again ur bro is a literal icon, his brain is gigantic and i'd pay to watch that shit anyday fam esp if its with u👁️

And dont apologize for rambling since dreams do happen to fascinate me as well... as a matter of fact i just woke up from a very cursed one thats gonna get me hella clowned by one of my mutuals a h a h a but i fully understand ur experiences since i myself usually just dream of nonsensical bits that i dont even remember or its just straight up nightmares🤡🤡🤡🤡 the only exception being that 1 week ago i think i had a surprisingly nice dream that consisted of me achieving some goals which was VERY unexpected considering all i dream of are wacky things so that was nice for once ig hssjdjd

And do b careful w the bruising stuff i cant imagine how hard it must be to embroider like that...my short tempered dumbass would b like i g h t m b o u t t a h e a d o u t in less than a second-

Things that are hot and sexy (because i do them)

• being unable to cite sources no matter how long you spend on it or how long you try

• getting a boost of motivation to work but on the wrong thing

• actually don't mind doing school work and have a thirst for knowledge but hate failure and not having time to finish assignments

• "wow i can't believe i finished all my assignments for the week! So fast. I have time to study and actually perfect my work and get better grades" *gets more assignments* *cries*

• i can't meet my own high standards

• being so stressed because of mom that i have horrible mood swings and im in a constant state of rage and anxiety

• being relieved when my friends invite me to do things because then i see it as an obligation and im "forced" to go (even though they'd understand if i said no, i see it as an obligation for my own mental wellbeing)

• wanting desperately to help others but struggling to even take care of yourself

• i can do the work, i can handle the workload. But i can't handle the pressure of my mom checking my grades

• i know that I'm smart and i know that I can do it. Ive been working so hard and my work is paying off but i need my mom to trust me

• overeating due to stress and went on an etsy shopping spree. Had to force myself to stop "stress buying" stuff and "stress eating"

• my dumb little passion project went on hiatus because im busy. Which is fine but a bit dissapointing

• i love it here. I don't want to leave. I love the art program. The work is a lot but i love my classes and my friends and my life here. What if one day something horrible happens and i have to leave because its too expensive?

• everything in my life is going good but my mom stresses me out so much that it's no longer going good

• I'm sorry for being incompetent... Even on my medicine. I am much better off than before and i can actually think but. I can't focus and i often miss intructions on assignments unless i write down absolutely everything. Why am i like this?

• my high empathy problems are coming up again because im so emotional.

• i am fine on 6 hours of sleep a night now but i wonder how long that will last. I don't have enough time to sleep for 8 hours every night. And maybe its because i take too many breaks but if i dont take breaks, i can't focus and everything just because thoughts that don't make sense

• im so stressed. Please just let me get my work done. All i ask is to be able to just sit down, relax, get my work done. I want to do so well on the exam later this week that I bump my B to an A or just even a high B.

• at least i enjoy school. High school and before was... Much worse. I don't enjoy spending hours trying to find out how to cite very specific topics and i dislike that one of my professors is a big perfectionist and so i often lose points on assignments (everyone does) no matter how hard i try to make it perfect. And i dislike having to check canvas so often because its difficult to navigate and i swear they try to hide assignments from us. And i hate that i have so much work that some weeks i wonder if i can possibly get it all done. And i hate group projects and i hate writing boring essays. But i love my classes at least. And i want to do well. I will do well. I am going to make all A's if it kills me. I was a B/C student in high school with occasional A's. If i just studied more (i never studied), i could have been one of the best students there, i believe. I didn't study, but I'm glad I didn't because it didn't matter as long as I got ok grades and I passed. I enjoyed my youth (not that im not still young...not that those years weren't the worst). But now i have to make A's or at least high B's because I know i can and I have to prove to my mom that I can do it. Maybe if i get good enough grades, she will back off some. Then I can prove to her that i really don't need her "help".

• this is way too specific of a list

• i want a job. If only i had time for a job. I have a strong work ethic. Im a good little capitalist slave. Please give me mone- i mean. Work. Yeah... Work...

But I dont have time for a job. Im very thankful that i dont need one. But I need to grow up and get a job because it will help me in the future

• speaking of which....a job i applied for months ago just called today... A lite late, buddy. Im 2 hours away now.

• but god... I so want to work there. I hear its a great place to work and the owner is gay (aka, not going to be homophobic to me)

• i wish i had my suitemate/neighbor's life. Like loudly talking on the phone and slamming doors as loud as possible all day long? And she's an RA so she gets paid.

• im calling my mom soon and getting this shit over with. Also i have somewhere to go with friends tonight so we can kidna- i mean recruit ppl for the theatre club. Im no theatre person but i am there for my friend and to make props.

• i can't do it.

• but if i do this, ill be free....

• maybe a quick meditation beforehand. Maybe self hypnosis so i can emotionally numb myself for a few minutes... Idk if im experienced enough to do that yet... But I've been doing it for years so might as well give it a try

• have i really resorted to self hypnosis to deal with the stress of calling my own mother?

• am i really so weak that even though everything is going well, something as simple as my mom calling to check my grades once a week makes me so upset that I cry almost every day about it?

• i know what she is doing is not legal. But what can I do about it?

• my mom thinks that im incompetent as well. That's why she checks my grades. She thinks I can't do it. She didn't even think that I had the ability to live by myself. I proved her wrong there.

• im working so hard partly because of her. So why does me working hard and thus not having time to call make her upset?

• it will all be over by tomorrow.

• perhaps calling her on the phone in a public space would be better. Maybe if she realizes that im not just in my dorm....

Luckily, my mom cares a little too much about social norms. She's used against me this all my life but perhaps it could be beneficial to me.

•thats right. I can just pack my stuff i need for my work. Then ill meditate for a bit and take a tea break. Ill go take everything to a public place with lots of people and call her then.

• i don't want to bring my friends into this, it wouldn't be right. But i wish that they would just sit next to me while I was on the phone. For emotional support at least. But i wouldn't ask them to do that, especially since we haven't known each other long. But i think it would make everything better if i had someone else to back me up

• people must be sick and tired of these posts. Im sorry.

• my mom says she's proud of me, but she doesnt act like it. She used to trust me. When i was 16/17, she would say that its up to me, my responsibility, that I knew what I was doing. Now, im 18. Why does she no longer trust me? I am an adult now. It doesn't make sense. I'm more responsible than I was at that age and im an adult now. It doesn't make sense at all, shouldn't she trust me more?

• i check my own grades religiously. Why is it necessary for her to do so too? What does that accomplish?

• i have an A, 2 almost A's, 2 low B's (but i know i can get the grade up and im studying hard to do so) and one C (it was an assignment that everyone did poorly on and another homework assignment that i did poorly on because I was exhausted). I know a C is bad but it's my drawing class. My favorite class. I do well in there and i think I'm probably one of the better peforming students in there. The C was just a small mistake and since we have more work in there now, getting that grade up will not be difficult. But i feel like all of my hard work just doesn't matter anymore. It will not satisfy her either way. Even if I had all A's, she would probably still be upset that I didn't have high enough A's. One of my professors says that she doesn't give A's on projects because "mistakes happen in art and you have to accept it".

• heavy workload... Im fine doing it but... I can't do it well with the amount of time I'm given. If i just had the weekend as well and not just the rest of the week. If i had just one full day more.

• this weekend will probably be dedicated to next week's work if i can do it early

• i can't call her. It's too stressful.

• im lightheaded just thinking about it

• i have every right to be angry. I have every fucking right to be angry.

• my day should revolve around schoolwork and studying. My weekends should revolve around taking breaks and light workloads. But every moment of every day revolved around my mom instead.

• and to think... If i lived in a place where college wasnt so expensive... Perhaps she would leave me be. Perhaps my grades would be so much better and perhaps I would be happy.

late night post- july 10

i had a really long day today. yesterday i attempted a spiritual healing with my counselor and it was really frustrating because i could feel myself blocking myself and it felt like it was over really quickly. at the end my counselor told me that she thought i was very composed and knew how to hide my emotions really well (lol) so it might take me a few sessions before we can break through my hard shell. she also told me right as we were saying goodbye that i would have a lot of cerebral activity for the next five hours- the session ended at 8 😒 and i ended up having a low key traumatic dream that even now I’m interpreting and connecting back to my childhood. honestly this shit is very scary but i know it’s what I’m supposed to e doing- like, all of my spiritual systems of belief have literally lined this out for me. the pattern told me i was going through a pattern that only happens once every 19 years and told me to think back 19 years ago and what behaviors or patterns i picked up then and re-examine them. when i first read that i didn’t think it applied to me because i was seven but after the dream I had last night I thought back to when i was seven and how much i struggled with self image and belonging and how that’s followed me for the last 19 years. and then tonight i couldn’t sleep and something kept telling me to pull a tarot card- just the top one off the deck. and i pulled the judgement card. i couldn’t not document this because, even though i pulled it upright, i feel the shadow energy so heavy right now and it’s almost too much. like, ive been feeling so good about life and this makes me feel like i can go back down to the darkest place in a second. so now i have to get through this but i can’t figure out why im blocking myself so i bought and borrowed some books on self healing, specifically healing childhood traumas that turned into patterns of behavior 🤞🏾

Ep 8 Pt 1 | I Am The Loop! - Taylor

THE WAY I PLAYED MYSELF OMFGGGGG

If I had just fricken voted for Chloe lmfao!!!!! God I am the worst Survivor player ever.  The good news is that I think everyone kept me on the revote????

Frankly, I may have fucked up my game, but at least it was the round before merge maybe??? I don't know if jury will start after this next tribal, but my goal was merge and I am PRAYING to all that is holy that I made it.

Holy fuck!!! Megs going and two idol plays!!!! We love the drama!!!!! I manifested Megs going before merge and here it is! 

Just so y'all know what went down....

I voted for Jacob, BUT I told Jacob I voted for Ali and I also told Ali I voted for Ali.... lmao BECAUSE ALI SAID HE VOTED FOR ME!!!

This is honestly the most crackheaded thing I've ever done. Ari knows that I voted for Jacob.... which could be bad? but I trust them not to expose me just yet. 

Y’all making merge is such a fricken relief honestly. But also I’m scared af. I think there are a lot of eyes on me. I’ve survived so many tribal councils. People have to know I’m connected. I am not gonna down play it necessarily but I’m gonna try to blend in.

It seems like there are quite a few people mad at each other frim the other tribe. I can see Nic and Brandi being targets quickly bc of their tribes last tribal council. I need to minimize my target as much as I can now. I need to like meditate on it and see what I think is best.

First impressions of the two people I haven’t met yet are:

Jabari - very outspoken, had great energy. I think jabari is likely fiercely loyal but not afraid to play dirty when she has to. I wanna pick her brain a little bit about her swap tribe dynamics. TSL - I really like her! She has a good spirit and seems like a really strong social player. She is someone to watch out for but could be a good person to have on my side.

My plan moving forward is to stay swap tribe strong for as long as I can, but also, if Ali needs to go home.... he needs to go hone 

WE DID IT I MADE MERGE I CAN FINALLY BREATHE AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

oh my god oh my god okay. so tonight HAPPENED and i sure did predict it right from the start! i sure did tell ali not to do it and he sure did it anyway! but it's fine this is actually kind of excellent because it means me and jacob look entirely innocent, dan now trusts me even more fully and feels guilty for not telling me what he was doing, i have less of an obvious connection to ali, and we can go into merge with the idea of drama / discontent in order to more effectively mine intel.

so anyways. all that aside, let's talk about MERGE itself! here's where i am at, should i choose to believe everything i've been told: -jacob and i are bffs final 2 until we die -ali and i are also obviously gucci always -dan allegedly trusts me more than anyone and constantly thanks me for being so amazing -josh and i are a secret pair beware where we'll have each other's backs even if we end up on different sides of the numbers -taylor is absolutely thrilled to have me back and acts like she's just regrown a missing arm about it -brandi wants to get to know me and is working with tsl so might actually mean it -nic and emma are ???? dont really care tbqh sorry -jabari is also very ?????? that's [checks notes] six out of nine people who at least have expressed interest in wanting to work with me, if not outright proclaiming their undying love & affection. do i believe all of it? hell no - but it's a pretty good starting point!

i think this season twist is actually going to work really well for me because usually when i make it to merge, the sequence of events is: a) ari wants to work with everyone, b) ari tries to work with everyone and play the middle hardcore, c) ari eventually gets caught playing the middle and sent home for being a threat. BUT this time there's so much more room to maneuver about the votes because i can literally tell anyone i voted however they wanted me to and there's no proof against it. so i guess my primary objective = get everyone to love me and be my bff jenna-style, then tell them what they want to hear, then pull all my puppet strings to get all of them out. listen, it's the first night of merge and i am allowing myself to dream big. while we're at it then, let's have my ideal bootlist!!!!

10th place: jabari. nothing personal, i just think she's the hardest person to connect with socially and strategically from my past experiences. maybe she'll prove me wrong, but from what others have told me about how she's been on the new beeho, it doesn't seem like it. also this round jacob wins immunity. 9th place: emma. i said it day one and i'll say it again... galapagos has spoken and they've gotta go. i win immunity this round and tsl buys a gun and tells nobody but me about it. 8th place: nic. this is mainly because i think dan has some kind of attachment to him that'll be hard to shake for a bit but by this point nic will have gotten himself into enough hot water and dicey scenarios that dan won't find him worth the trouble and will be happy to let him go. jacob wins immunity again, probably in a really cool big-brain live challenge. 7th place: this is where we get down to people i actually want to work with so it'll be interesting to navigate but i think josh has to go here. he hasn't been doing enough socially and i was never gonna take him to the end anyway. sorry host bestie! we'll mix it up this round and let dan win immunity just to feel good about himself bc he's probably had a rough few days and needs a break. 6th place: ali. ily bb but you gotta go sis, you're gonna drag me down with you if i let you get too far! i'll act like this is a big shocker to me but jacob will have found out about it. also i think an idol will get used this round for sure and maybe even another secret advantage. 5th place: this is the last time i can use my gun and by chance it happens to also be an idol so i am going to use it to shoot tsl outta this game. we'll let jacob win immunity again. 4th place: brandi. honestly you stuck it out way longer than i expected and it's been an honor getting to know you but you're far too likeable to get close to ftc! there will be some unnecessary drama but it won't actually matter that much. oh and jacob won immunity for the fourth time but he gave it up to me. 3rd place: i can't believe i let dan get this close to the end! sneaky sneaky! if it's a final three that's fine because i can attribute his early survival and merge moves to myself, but if it's final 2 then he's gotta go and tell the jury how great i am (i cried during the live tribal it was very emotional). i think we all forfeit immunity here as it's the only fair thing. 1st and 2nd place: ari and jacob will split the prize in a first-time-ever deadlock tie and will both share the rodeo crown. i win the fan favorite though obvs. tsl is player of the season and ali is the best villain and brandi is the hero that everyone loves. all the hosts pick jabari as their fave.

I made merge!! Yay! Me and Ari bout to secret pair beware this game #TeamLasagna

me josh and nic are the cutest alliance i feel so bad for megs but oh well she gonna win retirement home second chances she highkey ate thats why she had to go i feel like rn my chances are low rn of winning but im here to cause chaos have some fun and have me or my allies win special shout out to josh without them i would wanna quit but that would suck and shout out to nic too i am kinda scared for merge but im really excited i dont think these people would take the easy route if not thats not trying to win but who knows tbhh i kinda want old pearl back together lowkey but im not sure im trying to think of my target list rn so rn im just gonna try to be more social then i was a few rounds ago make sure that i can get my footing back like i did pre swap!

mmmmmm MMMMMMMMMMMMM this is starting to look very fun and festive over here! the more intel we gather the more it's becoming clear that this first vote is gonna be a taylor/brandi versus nic/emma/josh/jabari bonanza with the four of us sitting pretty getting to decide who we want to work with. i'm personally more inclined toward the taylor/brandi of it all, what a coincidence that the four people i was least enthused about are also all working together... gonna call with dan and compare notes more later but i am feeling very optimistic

also people i want to work with to people i want out v soon OG: Pearl Josh> Nic> Dan> Brandi this is tough i really love og pearl probs the fav og tribe i ever been on like ever...

og beeho Ari > Taylor (she a threat i think taylor is lovely and like them alot )but i dont wanna go super far with them ) > Jacob > Ali >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Jabari.. Jabari is nice but idk if i can work or trust with them tbh i like everyone left haha also im aware or think that ari is the biggest threat but would i maybe die on my sword for them.. if i work with them yeah.. im not that person that i was a few years ago 

Why is everything I know a lie? Apparently Megs never wanted me in her alliance of her, Brandi, Jabari, and Taylor to begin with and only added me because Jabari requested it? Which I guess is why they thought her and I were a duo? I'm having trouble understanding what Meg's vendetta was against me. I literally have spent the entire game trying to socialize with her and Brandi and I thought it was going well?????????????????????????????????? What did I do to her?????????????? Genuinely????????????????????

Anyway. Jabari is so kind. I really feel like I can trust her now. I feel like this merge vote will come down to Me/Emma/Jabari/Josh vs. Ali/Taylor/Brandi with Dan, Jacob, and Ari somewhere in the middle. I have the most confidence of Dan working with us but even with his vote it'd be 5-5, not to mention Brandi has a double vote. But atleast our side has an idol.

It seems like I am once again on the bottom for no reason. Even in her absence Megs is fucking me over. 

My headspace is so fucking bad rn about this game. I just feel like even tho I’m probably in a decent position that this competition will be won by more dominant people than me. This challenge definitely doesn’t play to my strengths and idk wtf to do.

I talked to Ari about it and they really want me to try hard but I just like really don’t care... if I’m the next to go, I’m the next to go. I must be such a horrible ally bc I am seriously checked out rn.

Dear Jsh, if you have any brain cells now is the time to use them. I need to speak to Brandi and Dan and solidify something with them. I also have to reach out to Ari to see if working with them is an option moving forward. I got the vibe last round that Taylor was only using me to survive the Megs and I mean....fair I was doing the same to her but I’m hoping she doesn’t find out that I’ve been lying to her by saying I voted Nic. I really hope Ari doesn’t snitch. I don’t think Ari is a rat but...you never know!

The way I see it me, Emma and Nic have two options. Work with Ari, Ali and Jacob or work with Brandi and Dan. Working with New Pearl seems like a no brainer since we hold majority easily but the question is if they ARE willing to work with us. The problem with solidifying an OG Pearl alliance is Brandi doesn’t trust Nic and I don’t trust Dan. What Nic wants to do is bring in Jabari and kick out Dan and have a 5 person alliance with AARP (me Nic and Emma) + Dan and Jabari which I am defenitely not on board moving forward. I can work with them for one round but I honestly would rather work with Ari and Jacob both who I actually talk to regularly. I just really need to make this alliance to happen because I like to work with people I actually get along with.

As far as the vote is concerned...Ideally I would like to vote out Taylor or Ali this round because I can’t figure out where they stand but Ali is an unlikely person to be voted out because Ari is protecting him.

first merge boot be lookin good for me if people dont put in effort into speaking to me why should i try? jabari i dont want to target them anymore its not smart i need to talk to brandi alot more also idk im kinda tired thank god i got the idol.

dan is having a rough time today and i feel bad :( it also doesn't help that ALI decided to tell nic that he thinks dan is a threat which ofc nic ran and told dan right away so i had to be like ali wtf don't do that!! and he was like no but its good for us bc they'll think we aren't close...... that is NOT THE POINT RIGHT NOW ALI!!!

I would legit love to hear you answers to every single question. I don't know if you feel like actually doing them all, but if you did... I'm JUST SAYING I'D READ THE ANSWERS, ok.

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?Yeaaaah but my romantic prospects are pretty bleak tbh, I graduate and move away in a few months

2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?No, not really. But I’m not mad about it anymore.

3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”CUTE BABY CLOSE BY !!!!!!!!!

4: What’s something you really want right now?to cry, i’m having the big sads

5: Are you afraid of falling in love?always

6: Do you like the beach?i love the beach!!!!!!!!! i grew up in a seaside town, the beach feels like the best parts of home

7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?yes ?? it was cramped and uncomfortable 

8: What’s the background on your cell?the photo of me, san, kahl, chez, frau, bagel and spags in the louvre

9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?mine(right now), Thea’s, Lizzie’s, .. Keir’s?

10: Do you like your phone?yeah but i’d like it more if the screen wasn’t so cracked

11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?lol no, it’s definitely not

12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?i genuinely don’t remember !

13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?rottweiler, i love dogs that look a little mean but have big hearts

14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?pffffft, that’s hard to answer but i’d say generally emotional, most of the time it’s harder to get rid of emotional pain

15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?both ?! i want to support the breeding of endangered animals that happens in zoos and see the cute animals but also i love a good rembrandt ?!

16: Are you tired?exhausted

17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?since i was born

18: Are they a relative?my mother!

19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?not a fucking chance

20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?a few hours ago, i think

21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?i don’t believe there’s a way to know nor do i think love works that way

22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?hell yeah i would

23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?none!

24: Is there a certain quote you live by?“if you make bad choices, own them” - my dad 

25: What’s on your mind?god, everything, idk im having a high key anxiety day

26: Do you have any tattoos?one pretty big one on my thigh

27: What is your favorite color?black !!!!!!!!!!

28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?maybe tomorrow, we’ll see how it goes

29: Who are you texting?uhhh, no one? everyone is asleep

30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?yes

31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?all the time, my gut rarely lies

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?yes, his name is keir and he’s one of my best friends

33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?i mean i’m dating someone so i fucking hope so

34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?no ? i dont think ? i’ve had people say they’re big or the colour is interesting but idk

35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?i’d cheer her on

36: Were you single on Valentines Day?yes

37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed?yes!

38: What do your friends call you?rae ?

39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?yes

40: Have you ever cried over a text?pffft, yah

41: Where’s your last bruise located?my knee

42: What is it from?i fell over my own computer chair

43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?today

44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?my mum, i think

45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?not right now, most i just wear my plain black docs

46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?no, i just tie is back

47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?no, i really dont like my ears, idk why

48: Do you make supper for your family?yeah, my mum and step dad can’t cook

49: Does your bedroom have a door?ofc it does? what kind of bedroom doesn’t have a door? get these pretentious loft bedrooms out of my face

50: Top 3 web-pages?tumblr, ao3, youtube

51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?plenty!

52: Does anything on your body hurt?period pains are all the rage today

53: Are goodbyes hard for you?yeah but i don’t tend to cry until they’ve already left so i look like i take them just fine

54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?water......... this morning

55: How is your hair?fine? a bit damaged from the cold weather

56: What do you usually do first in the morning?wish i was still asleep

57: Do you think two people can last forever?yes

58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?i dont fucking know

59: Green or purple grapes?GREEN or get out of my face

60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?tomorrow~

61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?yes

62: When will be the next time you text someone?tomorrow!

63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?probably in bed still, but asleep

64: What were you doing at 8 this morning.sleeping

65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?no, i was getting over the end of a four year relationship

66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?no

67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?no

68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?this sucks

69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?many times

70: How many windows are open on your computer?ten! and they’re mostly your fics corey, go figure

71: How many fingers do you have?ten

72: What is your ringtone?i dont know, my phone is always on silent

73: How old will you be in 5 months?22 ~

74: Where is your Mum right now?sleeping in bed probably, idfk, she lives hours away

75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?we grew up and grew apart but we were still okay until i had about four-six months of depression where i had to stop myself from doing something stupid daily and he didn’t notice despite us living together and sharing a bedroom (and those times i told him and he shrugged)

76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?yes

77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?yes! i still love them very much

78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?annabelle

79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?yes, there’s some grad students in the psych department called mike, they all look kinda the same too

80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?yeah, i miss being able to do that regularly

81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?more than i can count, my polyamorous ass has a crush on about seven people currently

82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?no

83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?i’m talking to one of them

84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?i’d literally never do this

85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?depends which drugs and how often, no one cares about a joint every few months

86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?i spilled my popcorn and managed to hide that i had spilled it from my date pahaha

87: Who was your last received call from?my mum, wow it sounds like i talk to my mum a lot more than i do

88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?yes, i hate bugs, give me the money

89: What is something you wish you had more of?time, energy, patience, money

90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?no, i’m not someone who trusts easily

91: Do you sleep with your window open?only in the summer

92: Do you get along with girls?yes, anyone that doesn’t get on with someone because of their gender is an asshole

93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?nope

94: Does sex mean love?hell no, it can be an expression of it but no

95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?yeah she wold be freaking the fuck out because she’s locked in a room!

96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?no, actually, i haven’t

97: Did you sleep alone this week?yes

98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?yes ? 

99: Do you believe in love at first sight?no, not at all

100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?one of my besties, holly

I accept your dare - answer all of them

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

I’m not sure. 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

yeah sure, I’m 19 it wouldn’t be a big deal unless they were still in high school. christ this ask game has been going around for years i remember answering this when i was 153. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

last friday at a party with my friends4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

I do all the time and my friends yell at me to stop but im too polite i can’t help it5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

a lot of my friends are mad at me for talking to someone…6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

not yet today7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

answered!8. How often do you listen to music?

as often as i can9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

jeans def10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

…

(SORRY ILL PUT THE REST UNDER THE CUT LMAO

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

answered!12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

i’m not sure…13. What about ‘R’?

i feel like an awful person I don’t know the name of the last person i kissed!!14. Can you drive a stick shift?

can’t even drive 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

well yeah, mostly i just wanna know what theyre saying so i can shut down any false rumors. people have said some weird shit about me. 16. Are you going out of town soon?

yeah, I’m going back to my hometown for a few days, and then i’m going to alaska. i’m scared.17. When was the last time you cried?

yesterday or the day before, or maybe this morning idk finals are fucking me up and personal shit is happening at the exact same time18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yeah, in a platonic way.19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

no not at all, I have green eyes i’ve won the lottery imo 20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

im not sure21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

I’m not focusing enough on my work and its stressing me out so much22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

so cute!!23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

no but im rooming with her next semester24. What are you sitting on right now?

an uncomfortable wooden chair25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

yeah, my friends!26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

yep.27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

it was my buddy @cu-curu-gol at like 4am??? lmao28. Do you get a lot of colds?

no but i get fucktons of allergies and sinus stuff29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

i honestly forget probably gap or some shit its old30. Does anyone hate you?

probably31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

I don’t, im straightedge but my roommate might32. Do you like watching scary movies?

yeah!! my fave is hush but i watched creep the other night with my friends and it was so good33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

nah34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

2011.35. Did you have a dream last night?

yeah, it was a bad one.36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

I forget honestly37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

not at all38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

answered!39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

probably not.40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

no it was awful actually41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

don’t even have to think no42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

yeah, considering i go to a womans college lmao43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

yeah. I don’t think I believe them.44. What’s the best part about school?

everything except finals i love my school 45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

many many46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

no we just whisper and make snarky comments 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

all the time48. Were you single over the last summer?

yep.49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

not at all and im very happy for that, but my depression has come back a bit. 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

studying or writing my 3 essays51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

no, but i don’t know what to feel honestly.52. Are you nice to everyone?

I try my best to be.53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah, too many times54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

yes of course, if you can’t last 6 months you don’t deserve to be in a relationship and you’re scum in my eyes tbh55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

sort of???56. Do you think you like someone?

unfortunately 57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

i HAVE NO IDEA AND I FEEL SO BAD but she was super drunk and she initiated it so like im not a total shit i promise 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

girls def but gender is fake 59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

many of them60. Do you hate anyone?

no, I don’t think so.61. How’s your heart?

not at it’s best. it’s a little fractured atm. 62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

yes. yes there is. 63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

fucking unfortunately 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

I hope it’s no one, but probably my brother tbh65. Are your toenails painted pink?

no i havent painted my toes in months66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

i hope not!! but it might be, knowing me it almost definitely will be. 67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

that makes it sound sadistic, I wouldn’t love it, i would be so sad if my boyfriend cried, probably enough to cry myself, but its definitely preferable to a boy who just bottles up all his emotions and only expresses his negative emotions through anger.68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

I dont think so but honestly i wouldn’t put it past myself69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

a guy named andrew at the bank lmao70. How do you look right now?

shit71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

yeah72. Can you commit to one person?

i want to73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

sort of?74. Have you ever felt replaced?

yes.75. Did you wake up cranky?

yep76. Are you a jealous person?

i wish i wasnt but i can be so awfully jealous and i hate it about myself

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

i’ve never been in one but yes i believe they are. just because things end don’t mean it wasn’t worth it.78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

not yet79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

my friends tonight hopefully80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

start writing my essays81. Last person you cried in front of?

um, I think it was my friend sarah?82. Is there someone you will never forget?

yes, a lot of people.83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

doubt it84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

just sitting around studying and talking a bit85. Are you over your past?

not quite. 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

yeah 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

sort of88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

i haven’t really had a first true love yet89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

I honestly don’t know if i’d recognize her90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

yep…91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

hah no92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

yeah but we call him magoo93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

nope94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

nope95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

yeah i guess96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

…yes…he is….97. Who do you have texts from?

none that are unanswered98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I would tell them to go for it, and try my best to support them but i would be really sad.99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeah, the oldest guy i kissed was 21 when i was 18100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

on facebook its a horse named eli101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

not yet102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

yeah, i hate and love the feeling.

Episode 4: “WHO MADE THE FUCKING ALLIANCE?” -Chloe

We just won another challenge here on Huamea which is lit. I think we are going to swap soon, but if not and we go to tribal with this tribe I think I’ll be fine. I’m still set up with randy Elmo and Ian well, and I think we could successfully target Joey if needed

Well another sit out for me but I’d say it was a good decision. We got 1st place and I don’t think I would have been the most helpful in this one. Really appreciate my tribe mates for coming through tho. Now I’m just wondering if there is going to be a swap. If there isn’t then we have to sit out three people on the tribe. Aka sitting out pretty much everyone who did the last one. As per usual, I’m very busy this week. Hoping I can find enough time to help in the challenge so that we can win or at least not come in last. I still have no alliances...but I think that’s okay for now. I think I’m in a good place with Jared and Elmo. We had each other’s backs if we went to tribal after the music video but we didn’t have to go. Joey also told me before results that he wouldn’t vote for me if we lost. Hoping that these promises or positive thoughts will continue farther into the game. At least until we get to jury. I also want to publicly own up to the fact that I still don’t know how the idol system works and I just don’t have the energy for it. So I’m just gonna pretend it doesn’t exist. Yep. That’ll do.

I was going to do a video confessional, but I high key got lazy and dont have too much to say

we won again which is great. I truly do feel like I kinda carried the team in a challenge I wasn't that great at, but it was really an all around effort and I'm glad we stayed.

I really do think I am in everybody's top 1-2 on this tribe except for the potential of Zack as well, but I like him a lot so I wouldn't want to see him go.

Nothing makes me want to win like when I have a tribe full of people I genuinely like. If I can help it, i really want to get to the merge without having lost another challenge due to my lost vote that I still haven't had to use yet, so I need those to be as spread a part as possible, and I don't want people to suspect me

those are kinda my only thoughts for now. hoping we don't swap until 14 and we get another round in these tribes, then a swap at 14 and merge at 12 (since my legacy advantage basically tells us we're merging at 12)

justin said he feels like a double might be happening sometime soon, but I'm not so sure about that just because of cullan getting expelled, and I feel the hosts would now elongate it a bit, but we'll see

im chillin for now

anna is ab to check confessionals and i can’t remember if i made one so this is my confessional.... johnny is rly nice to me and it scares me bc what if he is PLAYING ME.... and zack is also rly nice to me and that scares me TOO.... justin don’t fuckin talk to me and bodhi and asya barely do..... u know what 15th looks kinda cute rn bc i think that’s my destiny..... we floppin 🤪

Well, it’s still pretty quiet over at the Haumea camp. My tribemates kicked ass at the immunity challenge (sometimes, it pays to submit early), and I’m still getting along with everyone very well. I have suspicions that we could be switched up again next round, but hey, what do I know?

not much game development, im still attempting to keep my connections afloat in my tribe, i think ive now talked game with everyone and generally im in a rly good position, i dont wanna get too cocky bc that could lead to my downfall. I think that after this round we could potentially swap again to 2 tribes of 8. That would be kinda wild and I'm here for it

sry for a short one

I don't know if I should be sad, disappointed, angry, or all of the above. Losing this challenge was rough, and it's pretty evident the majority of the effort came from Adam, next would be myself. Clohie and Tom put little to no effort in the challenge. As stated before Tom's approach to the game has been pretty lackadaisical. He has hardly put any effort into not only the challenges but just his day to day interactions with the castaways. When I wanted to form the alliance with him and Clohie, he didn't relay the information to Clohie. And when Clohie indirectly asked him he didn't even acknowledge the possible alliance then either. I guess what I'm saying is...I want Tom out! Since this swap I have had my best relationship in Clohie, I like Adam, but I can tell he's a smart guy...so I'll keep him at a distance for now. I really do want to try and get Tom out though as a test of Clohie's loyalty to see if she would vote out one of her own. I think I have put myself in the situation where everyone feels comfortable with me moving forward, so I don't foresee my name being written down but I could be wrong, it is Survivor after all. I'm assuming we're coming to another swap, I just hope I'll have allies going into it, and if not allies, challenge beasts please. 3 out of 4 tribals isn't a good look😬 And can we talk about the idol system, all I have to say is: I HATE ALL OF YOU (to whoever helped put it together) G'Day.

Haha idk what the fuck is happening right now. So Tom can go and talk about our alliance with Taylor, with Adam. But still hasn’t mentioned it to me? Ok 🙃 I could easily vote Tom out here but idk I feel like he’s loyal? Maybe?? But then again I know him more than Adam and Taylor and that’s maybe why I wanna keep him even if I know he’s probably trying to fuck me over rn

hiii! this round went so quick?? idk it just zoomed by in my opinion haha. listen.. we won immunity and i’m grateful. another week safe with my idol so i’m just getting closer and closer to merge. i’m hoping for a swap soon and i’m expecting it. i would love if me elmo and justin got on a tribe together that way we can start to actualllllly work together and show eachother our trust that way once merge comes we can just kill it! not much happened this round but i’m just feeling grateful and wanted to let you all know! y’all are great host and i’m having so much fun. Xoxo

Heading into this next challenge, I feel great. I have a tight bond with Jared, Lily and I just so happen to be in the same friend group chat, and have been talking alot, Elmo is awesome, but the two that worry me are Ian and Ben. Ben and I haven’t talked much, and once again, Ian is preventing me from trying to build a bond by just building a ridiculous wall up. Maybe he isnt cut out for these games tbh.

Well it's either Adam or Taylor. Chloe wants Taylor to stay. I don't really care who stays xD I'm probably gonna random.org this vote, I do not know to if I want Adam or Taylor here. Plus that random ass alliance chat doesn't help

tribe assessment:

jared - out of everyone i get probably the most loyal vibes from him, idk what it is. he's rly genuine whenever i talk to him. i think the fact that we played a game like over 3 years ago means a lot to him. i wouldnt be v shook if he somehow schemed against me at some point at early-mid merge or something. right now i think he wants to work with me for the long term

ben - ive been talking to him a lot from the beginning. i think that he's with me for now, i for sure think that he's going to make a move on me later on though, im not sure when but for now i trust him and i think i can work with him. I think if numbers r close at the merge he'd want to side w me. I'm not sure how well connected he is. I like talking to him but he works a lot (what a king tbh) so that probs hinders his ability talk a lot

lily - she is not the most active, which is sad because she is a kickass player. If she gets too far in this game, that could potentially be a problem, if we are not working closely together that is. She's EXTREMELY loyal and i think that if i keep talkin to her, she'd want to work with me for the long term. Potentially I think that she should be in my end game but obvs its way too early to say that

ian - he is one of the more quieter ppl but the more u talk to him, the more u get out of him and I'm starting to notice that. I think that we have a pretty solid connection over all and I rly like talking to him! he is p different than I am so that gives me good perspective. game wise, i havent had a lot of discussions with him yet but im working on it a lot bc i think he could be someone i have potential with

joey - hes nice. he doesnt talk a lot which is kinda weird. he said that he has my back but im not sure if he said that out of keeping himself away from my radar or if he actually meant it. I am not really sure? I wouldn't be very surprised if Jared hinted to him that I could potentially be lookin to vote him out. I think that there is POTENTIAL of me working with him but i think if i had to choose someone who i'd want to vote out, it would probably be him.

i could be totally oblivious about my situation but i genuinely think that im in a v strong position in this tribe. I believe i have potential (i think) to work with everyone on our tribe which i really like.  This is all based on intuition though so i could be TOTALLY Wrong. The fact that we never lost just means that I have no solid proof or claims. Only my own perceptions. Idw be cocky in this game, it has been my downfall before. I want to be in a mindset that people are against me.I thrive when I'm under pressure. I kinda wished that we went to at least one tribal just to see how everyone here was game wise. Oh well!!

if i was going to be the boot on our tribe i look like a total clown rn.

Besides the fact that I’m leaving tonight, yeah not much is going on! I’m so disappointed that this is how my game is coming to an end. I’m at a loss of words so I’m sorry if you want more I just don’t have it in me

i’m.... goin thru a lot of emotions. for no reason. idk

at the last tribal council the person who i was least happy to be cast with was voted out so that was one less thing to worry about. then we won immunity. which is nice. but also i get lazy premerge when we keep winning immunity. it doesn’t help that my social battery is currently at %10 and i have a broken charger. but. oh well.

i have to play in the next immunity and idk. if there’s only 3 of us competing and two of them are me and justin then maybe we really Will be going to tribal next round who knows.

also i’m really bad at idol hunting. i didn’t give enough birth. the lizard goddess has no interest in making an appointment w me. i killed myself one time and got nothing for my troubles. i feel like something’s definitely been found by now, aside from johnny’s legacy advantage. idk it’s feelin a little bleak bc i figured my best shot at finding an idol would be premerge and i know we still have a ways to go probably but if the idols are found then that’s it on that.

This is literally going to be the most gut wrenching vote. Clohie and Tom will not budge, or even fathom the idea of voting out the other. I'm under the impression they want Adam out, but I'm also afraid of the possibility of a vote against me....so I have to contemplate if it's smarter to tie the vote 2-2 first and then vote out Adam, or to just trust that they are in fact voting Adam. Something else I'm praying on if I survive this round, is for a swap. Because without one, I'll be on the bottom of the 3 with Clohie and Tom obvi sticking together since their original Kanaloa. And our challenge record is not the best. Adam is probably our strongest challenge performer so that's another reason I'd hate to see him go. Tom and Clohie are just so mysterious and vague, and Adam has been nothing but upfront with me. Ugh, just the thought of a tie vote or drawing rocks makes me so sick...I honestly don't know what I'm going to do.

This has been the most stressful vote I have had to deal with, EVER. Taylor is a snake but Chloe wants to keep him and I get better vibes from Adam. I am considering doing a 2-2 if Chloe votes Adam and if it goes to rocks, so be it.

https://soundcloud.com/bodhi-small/week4/s-94KbM

________________________________________________________________

Taylor is voted out 3-1.

BabyGirl 4.0

NOTES:

♥ this is based on a concept i received a few weeks ago and ppl asked that i made a story with it. ♥ i planned 3-4 long parts but i think it’ll be 8-10 short parts ♥ 3.8k. fluff. ♥ there may be smut but i doubt it and IF it happens it wont be as explicit as my other smut works. ♥ i didn’t proofread and if you read my stuff you know i never do because im a lazy ass. ♥ thank you so so much for all the notes and feedback for the previous chapters! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! i hope you enjoy this chapter! ♥ if you have any questions please dont hesitate. 

♥ PART 1  // PART 2 // PART 3

                          4.0  ♥ PANCAKES & MISTAKES ♥

HIM

All the feelings that had rushed through me when i saw her and at the contact of my skin with hers was now gone. It's not that I didn't feel anything for her anymore, it's just that I was pissed and hurt, and I didn't have any place left for any other feeling. I couldn't believe she did that to me, and I also couldn't believe my best friend was her accomplice. I didn't know how i'd even find the strength inside me to forgive them, at least not completely.

The rest of the evening was awkward and Louis and I left as soon as we could. I glanced at the rear view mirror to see Freddie deeply asleep in his baby seat, and brought my attention back in front of me. I was supposed to take a plane the next day to go see my family but I was clearly not in a good state to celebrate and It was way too soon to let my parents know they were grandparents for a second time. I would definitely have to find an amazing excuse for not going but my mind was blank, or perhaps overloaded.

"Thanks for not hitting me."

I turned my head to look at Louis as he took me out of my thoughts. I stared at him for a few seconds as his eyes kept moving from me to the road and to me again. I didn't know if my pain or my anger was stronger, but I was pretty sure he could guess how I felt from the way I was looking at him.

"Trust me, It's not because I don't want to."

Louis pressed his lips together a bit nervously and nodded once, looking back in front of him. I was mad at him, but somehow, I felt like being around him was not a bad thing. I wanted to understand why they both did that to me, and although I was pretty sure nothing they would say would make things better, I still had hope.

Louis parked in front of his house and handed me his keys. I grabbed them and waited until he picked up Freddie gently, making sure not to wake him up, and we both walked to the front door. I unlocked it and let him walk in, following close behind. I let Louis go to Freddie's room by himself and sat on his couch with a sigh. The whole house was still plunged into darkness but somehow, I felt safe. I was torn between the desire to be alone, and the impatience to get explanations.

When Louis came back, he turned the lights on and I jumped slightly, blinking a few times. I watched him put Freddie's coat, neck warmer, boots and beanie in the closet and leave the room again. This time, he came back quicker and put two shot glasses and two beers on the coffee table in front of me, along with an almost full bottle of vodka. He remained silent as he poured some in the glasses, pushing one closer to me. I stared at it a few seconds and finally let myself fall on the carpet, grabbing the shot and swallowing it quickly. The liquid burned my throat down and I closed my eyes tight, hitting it lightly on the table. When I opened my eyes, Louis was filling it again and I drank it just as fast as the first one. It's only after the sixth that Louis pushed the beer my way. I sighed but grabbed it and took a sip as he placed an album in front of me.

He didn't talk, but I could easily guess what it was. When he realized I wouldn't move, he turned the first few pages and stopped suddenly, his fingers brushing gently until the photo at the bottom. The pretty little baby was surprisingly looking at the camera, her big blue eyes so similar to mine I had to swallow the lump in my throat. I forgot that Louis was there, I even forgot how mad I was... I just stared at my daughter on glossy paper and brought my hand to the picture, running one of my fingertips on her left cheek. I almost didn't notice her mother next to her, a huge smile on her lips, and my heart twisted at her sight. I brought my fingers to her and stroked her cheek too until I realized I was crying.

I sniffed and moved back, wiping the tears on my shirt quickly and clearing my throat. Clearly, this whole evening had flooded me with emotions and I had a hard time handling them. Louis moved closer and turned the page again as my eyes scanned them. I blinked again, trying to clear my sight and I tried to memorize everything I was seeing. Louis was on many of them, and when he was not on the picture, I guessed he was the one taking it. It brought a feeling inside me, one I had never felt so intensely. Jealousy. It infiltrated my skin, making my throat burn and my hands shake a bit.

"I can't believe you spent so much time with my daughter."

I had insisted on the "my" to make sure he understood how hurtful it was but I didn't look at him. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Chelsea. Clearly the most incredible little girl I had ever met. I was probably biased but it didn't matter.

Louis waited, probably expecting me to add something, but I just swallowed my anger again, even if it was harder to do it with every minute passing by.

"I know." he admitted very low. "That's why I invited you tonight. I thought it was time."

I turned my head roughly in his direction, sending him a hard and angry look.

"No, you invited me because you felt guilty. You've felt guilty for five years now, ever since that day you came back and told me to forget her." I explained surprisingly calmly. "You felt guilty and you couldn't handle it anymore. So you broke the promise you made her, and you took the chance to lose my friendship because you couldn't live with that secret. You did this for you, Louis. Not for her, or for me, not even for Chelsea. Just for you."

My best friend stared at me and I noticed his eyes start to water. I wanted to feel bad for hurting him but I couldn't. He deserved every word and worse, and he knew it.

"Maybe you're right, Niall." he simply said, his voice breaking slightly before looking down in shame. "I did it a bit for myself. But I also did it for you. It felt... extremely unfair."

i sighed and turned back to the pictures, feeling my heart melt again at the sight of my daughter. It was so much information to absorb in so little time, yet I already loved her, and I didn't even know why.

"She's an amazing little girl. So cleaver, and funny, and full of life. Exactly like you." he added. "And she deserves to know her father, too. And... I know how you feel about her mother."

I scoffed and shook my head, not looking at him.

"No, me and her are over, we're... over each other. We've moved on."

"Bullshit. She still loves you."

The thought made my heart jump and this time, it's hope I tried to swallow before turning my head slowly to look at Louis. He looked sincere and his lips curled into a satisfied smile, probably because of my facial expression.

"Why would you think that?"

"For fuck's sake, Niall!" he let out a bit too loud. "She literally named your daughter after your favorite football club!"

That explanation had crossed my mind the first time I heard my daughter's name and I wanted to ask her, but I was too pissed and hurt to even bother. Now that Louis was mentioning it, I was starting to believe it.

"That was over four years ago, she probably got over me now." I just shrugged, grabbing my beer and leaning against the couch, spreading my legs on the carpet and wincing slightly at the throbbing pain in my knee.

"I know her." Louis replied. I saw him shrug in the corner of my eyes. "She still loves you. She's dated a few guys here and there but it never lasted. And they all had something in common with you. Whether it was physically or mentally, there was always something that reminded me of you."

It was crazy to think she could still have feelings for me after all this time but the thought warmed my whole body. Or maybe it was the vodka finally kicking in, but I doubted it. I finished my now tepid beer quickly and put it on the table next to the album.

"You still love her too, don't you?" he finally asked cautiously, making me sigh and close my eyes.

I didn't know anymore. I wasn't sure of anything anymore. My whole world as I knew it was falling apart and I had no idea how to build it back up. I had no idea where to start.

"I don't know Louis. I don't know if I can forgive her for what she did." I confessed, turning to stare in his eyes with a sorry look. "Or you."

He sighed but nodded, pressing his lips together again and grabbing the bottle of vodka again, pouring us two more shots. I made the small glass turn slowly with my fingers as I stared at it, trying to calm the emotions inside me that made my heart thump inside my chest. I was starting to see blurry and I wanted to drown myself in alcohol until I was numb. I drank all of it quickly and put it back on the table with a light thud before shaking my head.

"I shouldn't drink too much." I pointed out as Louis filled my glass again. "I don't want to be hangover tomorrow."

"You're gonna take that plane?" my best friend asked right after drinking his shot.

I sigh and shook my head, doing the same thing before grabbing the album and bringing it closer to look at my daughter again.

"No." I just let out. "I'm gonna meet my daughter properly for the first time."

HER

When we got back home, Chelsea was exhausted. Instead to walk to her room, she made her way to mine, her small feet rubbing against the floor with every step she took. She got on my bed with difficulty and I leaned against the door frame, looking at her as she fell asleep immediately. The light was still on, I tend to always forget to turn it off before I leave, and I went to sit gently next to her, trying not to wake her up. I took her dress off and removed the band from her hair slowly as her breathing became heavier. I brought everything to the laundry room and walked back to her with Niall's shirt in hands.

I was tempted to smell it but it had stopped smelling like him years ago so I simply let my fingers brush on the fabric. It was nothing special, just a normal cotton t-shirt, but it reminded me of when we'd make love in the morning and i'd wear his shirt for the rest of the day. We loved lazy sundays where we did nothing but watch tv, eat, cuddle and make love.

Before I realized it, all these thoughts had made me tear up and i wiped my eyes quickly, sitting back in bed with my daughter and dressing her with Niall's shirt. It was ridiculous and useless to dwell on the past and mostly dead memories and I shook my head, trying to get back to my senses. I had to be strong, if only for Chelsea, because I knew her life was about to change and it was probably not going to be easy. Mine was gonna change too, and Niall's had already started to change. I held my breath, trying to convince myself I could easily live with Niall around without hurting from the fact that I would never get to be with him the way we used to be, but I knew deep down that I was lying to myself. Seeing Niall and being around him was going to be hell and it was going to hurt a lot, I knew it. I would do it for my daughter, and for him, and also a bit because of how guilty I felt, but hiding my feelings towards Niall was not going to be easy.

I sighed and finally sat back on the bed to put the shirt on her, once again trying not to wake her up before pulling the covers over her and leaving the room, turning the lights off as I walked out. I reached the kitchen and opened the fridge, quickly grabbing what was left of a white wine without even taking the time to get a glass. I leaned against the table as I drank, letting a few tears fall down my cheeks without even acknowledging them.

"What the fuck did you even do..."

I normally talk to myself all the time out loud but tonight, those were the only words that came to my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about Niall and how hurt he was. I couldn't stop questioning my choices and my actions, as if thinking about them and regretting them was going to change something to what was happening right now.

I took an other long sip right from the bottle and closed my eyes as I swallowed. He looked so good and so happy. I still had a hard time believing that at some point, he actually loved me, or at least, I hoped he did. I left the empty bottle on the counter and got undressed on my way back to my room, leaving a trail of clothes behind me. I grabbed an old t-shirt and some sweatpants before to slip under the covers, next to my daughter. I stared at her in the dark for a few minutes and quickly fell asleep, helped by the alcohol and the tears.

I was pretty sure I hadn't slept much when something woke me up suddenly. I gasped and felt my heart jump in my chest, making my eyes open wide. Chelsea was still wearing Niall's shirt but was now completely awake, jumping on my bed, her laughter echoing against the walls of the room and reaching my heart. It made my lips curl despite the early hour and I sat up, rubbing my eyes.

"Mommy! Mommy!" she kept repeating every time her small feet would sink in the mattress. "It's Christmas!"

I laughed and finally got up, grabbing her as she jumped again and making her laugh more as I brought her to the living room. I put her back on her feet in front of the tree and she rubbed them on the carpet as I did the same. We smiled at each other and sat down exactly at the same time as Chelsea reached for a gift, handing it to me. The paper was red and green and clearly, she had wrapped it herself, as it was covered with more tape than needed. I looked up at her, endeared by the attention and enjoying the pride I saw shining through her eyes.

"Merry Christmas, mommy!"

I loved how attentive she was, and sometimes, I wondered how such a young kid could be so kind hearted. I unwrapped it slowly, finding a pretty Christmas ornament shaped like a snowflake, with a drawing she made in the middle. It was covered with silver glitter and when i touched it, some fell on my sweatpants, becoming extremely obvious on the black fabric.

"Sweetheart, it's beautiful!" I let out a bit exaggeratedly. "I love it! Thank you."

I bent down and she did the same, pressing her nose against mine before rubbing it on mine gently. We both laughed and I licked my lips, putting the ornament she just gave me in the tree and finally reaching for one of her gifts.

After over half an hour of unwrapping gifts, I got up and walked to the kitchen, starting coffee quickly. I let out a yawn and grabbed a mug, pouring the brown and warm liquid in it before going back to the living room. I smiled when I saw Chelsea swimming in a pool of wrapping paper and toys. She was excited, not really knowing where to put her attention, and I leaned against the wall to enjoy the moment.

It's only when the doorbell rang that I got out of my thoughts. I didn't have time to react, Chelsea rushed to the door and I followed behind slowly.

"I know you! You were at the party last night!"

Her words made me walk quickly to the door and I held my breath when Niall's looked up and his eyes met mine. I licked my lips and felt them curl. He sent me my smile back and I stopped next to my daughter.

"Hey..."

"Hey."

We stared at each other for a few seconds and I cleared my throat.

"I'm sorry, you want to come in?"

He pulled his hands out of his pockets and nodded, taking a step inside. As soon as the door closed behind him, Chelsea grabbed his hand and pulled him with her to the living room.

"Come on! I'll show you my gifts!"

I chuckled and followed them, watching them interact as they both sat down. She proceeded to explain all the gifts she got and who got them for her. He listened to her attentively and even asked questions, and the sight made me extremely emotional. I never thought i'd ever see the day where Niall and my daughter would talk and laugh together in the living room on Christmas morning, but fuck, I loved it.

I walked to the kitchen and prepared an other cup of coffee, bringing it to Niall. He looked up at me and smiled again when I handed it to him and my heart twisted in my chest. He was really there, it was not a dream this time, and he was not going to disappear.

"Uncle Louis gave me this one." she let out, showing a nerf gun, making Niall's eyebrows raise. "He says i'm a warrior. He's my favorite person. What's the word again mommy? Oh, my godfather."

Niall's chin moved up quickly and his eyes met mine again. This time, my eyes were full of guilt but I didn't dare to apologize again. He sighed and turned to my daughter again, looking at what she was wearing, and I felt extremely embarrassed for a reason I ignored.

"You have a nice shirt, Chelsea, I love it." he let out with a smile. "I had one exactly like that."

"Really?" she asked, excited by the fact that someone mentioned her shirt. "It's my daddy's!"

His facial expression changed and I had a hard time to decipher it. If I had to pick, i'd say he seemed touched somehow but also slightly hurt. I desperately wanted to hold him against me, but I was not sure it would really comfort him.

"Chelsea, baby, are you hungry?"

She jumped on her feet and threw her little arms in the air, surprising Niall and making me laugh.

"Pancaaaaakes!" she yelled, running quickly to the kitchen.

Niall turned to me and finally laughed too, getting up and following her. I stopped him and sighed again, glancing down before looking back up in his eyes.

"I was not supposed to ask Louis to be her godfather at first." I tried to explain. "I thought it would put him in a weird position towards you and I didn't want that. But he was just the best person to be. He's amazing with her. And... I couldn't help thinking that he's the one you would have picked."

Niall stared at me as if he was trying to read my soul and I knew he could do it. It made a shiver run up my spine but I remained motionless, looking at him. The words 'I'm sorry' were burning my lips as I tried to keep them in.

"I would have picked him." he just admitted, sending me a sad smile.

I waited a few seconds alone in the living room and joined them in the kitchen. When I walked in, I noticed the eggs, the flour and the milk were already on the counter and Niall was explaining to her how to prepare the mix for the pancakes. I let them cook together, enjoying this day more and more as time passed. I didn't know Niall would come here today, but I was glad he did. I only feared the time where we'd have to let her know that Niall was her actual father. I didn't know how she'd react, and it stressed me so much I decided to push it at the back of my mind to almost forget it for now.

I let them have their moment, keeping quiet until they placed a plate with a pancake in front of me. They had used maple syrup to draw eyes and a smile and it made me chuckle low. They sat at the table with me and we started eating as he asked Chelsea a bunch of questions I would have never thought about : her favorite color, her best friends, the name of her favorite stuffed animal...

It's only when Chelsea got up to wash her hands and go back to play that my heart twisted again. I turned to look at Niall, sitting on my left, and tilted my head. He stared at me, making my heart melt, and I held my tears as best as I could.

"I'm happy you're here, Nee." I whispered.

I watched as his arm slid slowly on the table and held my breath as his fingers reached mine. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it, our skin touching again for the first time on that day, and it felt just as electric as it did the night before. Or maybe it was just in my head.

"Me too."

Episode #8: “These horny ass giraffes” - Drew H.

Well, I'm a big flopping mess, I fell asleep and failed to vote. ADDITIONALLY, Dani was the one sent home, which nobody even told me was gonna be a thing. Like Loris mildly mentioned it to me, but I didn't take that to mean that 3/4 of the merge was gonna vote Dani out.

I realize that John and Dani didn't even vote Ci'ere which was supposedly the plan, so it's good to know that John is someone I can really rely on... NOT.

I'm more frustrated with myself though because I should be capable of more than I was. I'm feeling on the outs though, because I don't even know where the Roxy votes came from.

This game is a fucking mess for me.

https://youtu.be/0k5pTCBa_1M

"heuse1acToday at 10:42 PM No idea! The fact that john was put in the mix is really interesting though bc he easily could've just jumped the alliance i accidentally screenshotted a million years ago So that makes me think loris might be a part of that conversation bc he's the only one who would like have that mindset of including john bc he saw the flip firsthand And we all definitely used that joint tribal and the lie as a talking point so it'd be easy enough to say we still have emotions about it, even without proof That's just my read on it tho, i have no proof. But if it was him, that would explain why you were targeted of the 4 of us bc he really does seem to have something against you asdfghjkl"

why does this sound so fishy to me like he is hard core tunneling Loris. Makes me super sus nnn

"DrachusToday at 12:05 AM god If we go f2 somehow We'll be the most hated f2 I can't wait "

ok i love you drachus but fuck he totally plans to drag me as a gaot doesnt he lol

Okay, operation get Roxy to blame Loris for the target last night is in full effect. Do I think he's the one who actually put Roxy's name out there by spreading stories that she was targeting Ci'ere? Eh maybe, leaning probably not. But Roxy has it in her mind that Loris has a vendetta against her, and there is JUST BARELY enough loose strings to thread together into a convincing enough forgery. Loris being targeted eventually is needed because of how close he is with Andrea and how much I'm sure he will never give up resenting the fact that he prob would've been next on swapped Auva. And end of the day, if we fail, Roxy is the one who leaves and that opens a lot of doors for me that a "leaked alliance" is holding firmly closed.

I took a goodnight's rest before really pursuing making this confessional. Not getting rid of Sam earlier in this game was the biggest mistake of every player in this merge. I love Samuel to death, probably my favorite straight male ever (sorry Jack and Seamus), but the boy really woke up during the last 24 hours of this game.

Not only he successfully convinced everyone to vote his way, he temporarily bridged the feud between Ci'ere and Dani for a brief moment to get the numbers and all of the votes turned for Dani. He claims that he didn't know that Ci'ere will call myself, Drew H., Roxy and John out- but after that joint tribal- anyone who had any part with the old Zosma tribe is treacherous.

Where does this confessional lead? Well I tell you, Sam perfected the under-the-radar strategy during the premerge portion of this game AND got everyone to vote his way just so that he can get revenge for her bitchy attitude. I literally have to give any and all credit to that boy for that last round because that was pure genius because it got my Auvas and John to be EXTREMELY more pissed off at Ciere while he is controlling that emotional mess by the strings. Amazing. But it is time to plot his demise.

Everyone in this game is damned fake and transparent it makes me sick. I'm tired of people trying to pass off not being aligned with others when it's painfully obvious.

Drew H. tried to pass off him and Roxy being a 1 time thing... despite voting together the entire game so far.

Loris was briefly entertaining the idea of voting Ci'ere though he was obvious about reservations... 1 tribal later, Ci'ere is using an idol. (Though he didn't get any votes so it's whatever.) Now Loris is saying we need Ci'ere to stay. Which is whatever I guess, but to me it's like ok you two are clearly a F2 or something, there is more to this than I'm being told.

John, didn't even vote Ci'ere when it was his idea, but he hasn't told me anything about the past tribal which is beyond infuriating.

I feel like I'm floating, in the middle of the ocean without a raft, and I can swim and float for a little while, but it feels like the sharks are coming from somewhere no matter how I disguise myself in the water.

Noah fence but I wanted to get kori out since they’re so good at comps but now we might never get the chance :shrugs:

I don’t think anyone hates me so I think I should be good this vote ?? Watch me catch this blindside

i'm actually so mad right now, I knew one of those two had the idol... and ci'ere said he found it on his very first guess with 39. BITCH 39 WAS LITERALLY MY 2ND GUESS, HOW DOES HE GET THAT LUCKY IM SO SAD I WANTED THAT IDOL :(

Aye, Won a challenge, let's gooooo! Lol, thankfully there was a score reasonably close to mine, so I didn't look like I utterly destroyed the challenge.

I also got that idol clue, which I mean eliminated a ton of possibilities. Though it'll be hard to sus out which Non-American astronaut it is. (I'm hoping a future idol clue is that the astronaut isn't Russian so as to eliminate a ton more options.)

I think I'm gonna try for a Dylan boot, because the guy and I almost never talk, he won the last challenge so he's clearly capable in some regards, and he's on OG Auva, and if original tribe lines come up, that'd put us at 5v3v2, though I'm not banking on those lines given the way Loris, and John both act.

Ok so before the last tribal, I thought people would be wanting to vote for Ci'ere. Then later Ci'ere starts going off in the tribe chat saying to vote for Roxy because she has an alliance with the Drews and myself. And in his tribal question he basically calls me out saying tribal lines have already been crossed because of the fact that I voted against Revati the round before. BOI you weren't even there so stfu?? Yes there is an alliance but there has legit been no game talk in it, Roxy just made it to ensure I would vote with them, which I was going to in order to get Zach out anyway. I went to a few people to reiterate that fact. I wanted Ci'ere to leave before but now it'd be in his best interest to not speak to me.

Kori won immunity and I fell asleep early because I was tired afff. I wake up, seeing that Kori has apparently gone to all of Revati targeting Dylan. He knows that I really want to target Ci'ere, especially now that he doesn't have immunity, and that I want to work with Dylan. The problem I have with my Revati tribe is that I don't feel too much trust with them as of now. Emma doesn't talk to me, Loris doesn't as much anymore, Kori can be very controlling, and I don't know fully where I stand with Andrea. I will most likely not be voting Dylan out tonight, and if Kori really wants to go to final 2 with me he should respect that. Ci'ere would be my ideal vote tonight but if nobody is going to vote him out, I may end up voting for Emma because if anything I know I've got Drew H. Either way, I think at this point my messiness meter is through the roof so hopefully nothing comes back to bite me in the ass woooo

Andrea telling me that she’s not voting for Emma and that she also doesn’t know who to vote for. I love people indirectly telling me that they’re voting me out

I’m confessing so much but that’s only because I feel like I’m going home today and I need to make a lasting impression so I can win fan favorite 💅🏻💅🏻

Anyway I think I have the votes to stay but if an idol gets played then I’m going home for sure

The original revati idol was never played so I don’t trust this vote at all tbh

Hopefully this isn’t my last confession but if it is then goodbye xoxo

Emma has the idol and loris has the advantage. I am LIVIN I decided to just be honest to everyone and ya we shall see how it goes I still don’t think I can win and Emma told lORIS about to he alliance which is concerning but um idk ok we shall see

Well, it seems likely that John and I will be separating in the near future, he just isn't open to me like he was at the beginning of the game, and I just don't know if I can work with him.

None of my thoughts or ideas seem to gel with him, and it just doesn't seem to be working out.

If people are telling the truth than it should be Dylan going, from there ideally we vote out Drew H, who is a reasonable threat and it ideally throws that whole alliance into chaos.

From there I think I'd want Ci'ere gone, and after that maybe Loris? But we'll see how things go, immunity wins and other events are likely to shakeup the game, to which I'll have to be flexible, so I don't wanna start overplanning just for everything to be thrown out of wack.

yeah so this vote is clearly a Dylan or emma going home scenario. personally im voting Dylan mainly because we have no relationship at all game wise, and emma seems dead loyal to loris and me kinda, which is way more valuable to me than a guy the auva's wanna try and use as a "number." plus, people seem to think emma is kori's free number, which may be true but he was the one pushing for the Dylan vote, which will only turn him into a more visible character which I need in my life right now. yeah after last vote I definitely need to sit back and let other people drive, but I'm all for someone I know im not gonna work with going home this round. I know the drew's wanted emma gone, but I told them straight up I was probably voting Dylan since we have no relationship, but that next vote a green has to go and they seem all for it. so hopefully this is setting me up for a nice ride the next few votes? let's hope oh god inb4 I die next round before single digits ima kms

ALSO SUCK IT DANI MAN YOU THOOOOOOOUGHT I WAS LEAVING THIS ROUND HA BIHHHHH YOU CLUELESS SEE YOU AT FTC!!

man oh man ciere, you really trying it huh. over here threatening my man drew T that he'll be next to go if he doesn't vote emma? that also means ill be in the crosshairs too? nah bruh, we aint having any of it. Dylan is leaving this vote then guess what, you're gonna be blindsided, and oh my god I cant wait to see that happen. should've stuck with me, smh

ciere is REEEEEEEEAAAAAALLLLLLYYYYY trying to take control of this vote and get emma out, bruh if that aint obvious idk what is, esp when he hasn't included me in it. why is he here and not toby.... :(

https://youtu.be/H3vuhKG9APE

ok so I swear I wrote this already but woooo Emma has idol I have legacy Andrea is a queen iconic trio I also have a deal to go to the end with Sam ??? Oops. At this point I just feel valued but it’s probably because they realise I’m useless and will not be able to write a speech at FTC and also I’ll just get fucked over because it’s live.... oh well. 5 more tribals to go!! well four but I’m writing this in the future

All my ladies pop your kitty like this, Shake ya body don’t stop don’t miss all mah ladies pop ya kitty like this justto it do it do it do it now do it good luck that kitty just like you should

Dylan is voted out 8-3. 

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life? Romantically, there's one boy that I actually cares about, a lot. 2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? In the end I forgive everyone. 3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?” Cat(?!) Maybe Tony Stark bc he's like a cat?? (sorry not sorry) 4: What’s something you really want right now? To see my mother I miss you 5: Are you afraid of falling in love? I'm afraid to fall hard in love, go slow doesn't hurt anyone 6: Do you like the beach? YAS 7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? Ugh let me think, probably with friend 8: What’s the background on your cell? Plam tree in the purple sky. Very aesthetic I gotta say 9: Name the last four beds you were sat on? -Mine in my room -My friend's resort -My host sister's -idk im not in that many beds 10: Do you like your phone? Hate the fact that the amount of memory I get are not enough. 11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned? I don't really know, does anything ever go as planned? 12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? thb I don't remember no one calls me 13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? Why not both? My neighbour have an adorable, fat, and so not agressive Rottweiler. But poodle are cute and quiet; I like peace. 14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? Emotional 15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? ART MUSEUM ANYTIME CONCEPT OF THE ZOO ARE JUST LIKE OH YEAH WHAT PROVILAGE WE HAVE TO JUST LOCK ANIMALS UP AND BOOM WE GET MONEY FROM THAT???!?? 16: Are you tired? YES SO TIRED 17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact? My whole life (hello mother) 18: Are they a relative? uh yes 19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? I have one. And if he love me back (which is kind of impossible) then totally. 20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? That time I kiss him. 21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? No I would want to do a lot of stuff that you won't get to do if you are married. 22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? I don't think so. Though he's a good kisser. 23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? One. And that's my hairband. #standardwoman 24: Is there a certain quote you live by? Cannot think of one. Though there's a lot I like about science, art, and phylosophy. 25: What’s on your mind? Religions are kind of create wars and personally it is dumb I'm so angry. 26: Do you have any tattoos? No. I wish! My mom would kill me totally. 27: What is your favorite color? Black and White is the classic! For color-color, have to be mustard yellow, plant green (like dark green). 28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? Totally 29: Who are you texting? No one ever 30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? Nope it was very casual. 31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? A lot and that's not a good thing 32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? Yes and I live for them they are the best human existed in my life ever thank you 33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you? I think there's one or two, but really not sure. 34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Yes but I don't think that was honest bc my eyes are boring af. 35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? I wouldn't care that much since I don't care about him. 36: Were you single on Valentines Day? Yes to the lastest one. 37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed? Yes 38: What do your friends call you? Nine 39: Has anyone upset you in the last week? Oh yes I'm a women of triggered 40: Have you ever cried over a text? Yes it's horrible don't do it 41: Where’s your last bruise located? My knee, it hurt like hell 42: What is it from? Have NO idea. 43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? Month of March, my life was kind of shit and I want to go home. 44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with? One of my exchange friend, we literally talked for the first time ever. 45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes? My white adidas superstar, or my cheap sandals that I prefer over burkenstock. 46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? Depends on my mood. 47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style? Totally 48: Do you make supper for your family? Rearly. I'm not that good at cooking. 49: Does your bedroom have a door? If there's none I would have killed myself by now. 50: Top 3 web-pages? twitter, tumblr, ao3 51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping? Yes like almost all males in my life. (Except my exchange friend they are like crazy at shopping) 52: Does anything on your body hurt? My back is quite sore rn 53: Are goodbyes hard for you? Sometimes. 54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? Water. And intentionally. 55: How is your hair? Dry af bc I didn't wash it after swimming in the chrorine swimming pool 56: What do you usually do first in the morning? Grab my f phone 57: Do you think two people can last forever? If they really REALLYYYYY lucky maybe 58: Think back to January 2007, were you single? Oh yeah I wasn't dating anyone when I was seven I don't think 59: Green or purple grapes? GREEN ARE THE BEST 60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? When I have to leave everyone of this country and when I met the fimiliar faces. 61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? Yes. On a beach, aesthetically tropical. Away from all the BS 62: When will be the next time you text someone? Prob tmr 63: Where will you be 5 hours from now? In this bed I ain't going nowhere 64: What were you doing at 8 this morning. Sleeping like a dead person 65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked? No one ever 66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? Hmmmm not always but prob my cousin she's like the sweetest thing 67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today? Nope 68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? It's okay. Not having panick attack or depression is nice. 69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Tbh I don't feel like I ever go all out on something bf 70: How many windows are open on your computer? Prob like 5 71: How many fingers do you have? 10 72: What is your ringtone? That's a good question 73: How old will you be in 5 months? 17 yas bitch 74: Where is your Mum right now? Working 75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? We broke up 76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? My friend 77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? No 78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? Yep bc he'a my ex 79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike? Phoebe's boyfriend in Friends. 80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? No oh not that romantic 81: How many people have you liked in the past three months? A lot 82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? Not the last 3 days, the last 3 weeks would be a yes. 83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? No 84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? Mary 85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care? I will care if it's effect their physical or mental health 86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? The fucking butter (in the popcorn) went through my fucking favorite jeans and I'm forever mad. 87: Who was your last received call from? My exchange friend 88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? You can buy me with money go ahead I'll do it. (But will feel extremely guilty) 89: What is something you wish you had more of? social skill, life skill, money, good friends, time 90: Have you ever trusted someone too much? Oh yesss this is sensitive subject it hurt like a bitch 91: Do you sleep with your window open? No never I'd be so f paraniod 92: Do you get along with girls? Sometimes, depends. Mostly I'm good though. 93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? No 94: Does sex mean love? Not always 95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? If sex is problem then yes? 96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? No 97: Did you sleep alone this week? All week bro 98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? Sometimes, I don't like to depend my emotion on certain people bc they are so temporary 99: Do you believe in love at first sight? no 100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise? my host sister