#im turning 20 and its still fucked up to think about ? but its mostly funny liek WHAT WAS THAT
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I can't wait for when buck feels comfortable to tell hen and chimney about tommy. I think hen will be more supportive and telling him to take his time in understanding and absolutely just happy he felt comfortable enough with her to disclose this to her. I want buck is going to tell her that her just being who she is just out and proud is how he wants to be
I think chimney would be more funny and poke some fun at him about it like "damn I owe Maddie $20" and idk he just wants buck to know that he is happy for him and also happy to set him up with someone as he did set Karen and hen up and look how well that turned out!!!
im literally so excited for buck to come out to everyone. and (hopefully) introduce tommy as his boyfriend!!!
i think everyone is going to be supportive, but also it’s buck so they’re gonna tease the shit out of him as soon as they get the chance. i could write whole stories and essays about exactly how i think everyone is going to react.
as far as hen and chim specifically, i think hen is going to be supportive but also probably want to bang her head against the wall when and if buck tells her about the first date. i feel like we dont get too much one on one between hen and buck and i would love to see more of that as buck stumbles through accepting himself and his sexuality. it would be really cute to see hen still be that mothering figure where she gives buck the advice that maybe he doesnt really want to hear, but also still being there because she knows what its like to come to terms with that part of yourself. plus i just really want to see a henren and bucktommy double date.
for chimney, you know he’s going to be more supportive than teasing at first. we’ve seen buck and chim grow closer and i think chim is aware how sensitive buck might be to teasing him about having a boyfriend right off the bat. even if chim normally fucks with him all the time. i mean thats their relationship, but also theres this very evident that they care about each other a lot and not just because they’re brother-in-laws. i would love to see chimney tease buck about his relationship with tommy the more buck opens up, but i need the intial convo to be mostly sweet and caring. on the flip side, i think it would be down right hilarious for chim and buck to have this conversation during the bachelor party when they are absolutely trashed.
#911 spoilers#evan buckley#911 abc#tommy kinard#evan buck buckely#911 season 7#911 on abc#bucktommy#henrietta wilson#chimney han#howard han#madney wedding#madney#henren#tevan
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Ok so, I have only ever watched one episode of Adventure Time, and it was on a hotel room TV, in terrible hindi dub, and I barely remember it on account of being 10(?) but it horrified me.
I remember the MCs trying to get Ice King a girlfriend or something, but he keeps being a gross asshole so they take him to a lake and point at some swans to try and explain love to him. They point to two swans kissing like ':D' and he's like 'ewww' and then the male swan suCKS IN AND EATS THE FEMALE and IK's like ':)))' while the boys stare in horror.
IDR how the episode ended or how much I watched, but I remember thinking 'wow american cartoons are hardcore. I'm sticking to pirated pokemon from now on.'
And you are telling me that show had lesbians in it leter????
oh my god im so sorry but imagining you watching that swan scene as a 10 year old is so fucking funny, i can understand why you stuck with pirated pokemon LOL
adventure time is absolutely very fucked up in a lot of different ways. the early seasons leaned into that type of absurd shit you just described a lot more especially. while the later ones actually started getting more existential and building on the worlds lore.
there wasnt exactly a focused plot, per say. i mean, there was, but it wasnt something methodical and planned out, it was played by ear. and i think it really worked. the way they did it turned out a really cool magic system (based on the idea that reality is just collective perception, and magic users are aware of this and can manipulate perception ergo reality. but the more cosmic knowledge you have the more insane or depressed you become etc especially if youre mortal), and also cool world building (it takes place in a post apocalypse after a nuclear war, now far into the future the face of the earth has completely changed but the horrors unleashed still impact it today), and also a lot of really amazing themes (the world is always changing and nothing is ever permanent, but no matter how things change things also stay the same, in a different way. especially where bonds and love are concerned. everything stays.)
and YEAH there are lesbians (i mean i always hc marcy as bi but still). and they also come from the shows improvisational nature. theres a lot of genuinely really amazing relationships and plotpoints born out of that to me. like, as the show starts to get a lot more thematically dense later on it can seem like a weird shift. some ppl say it got pretentious over time bc its not as goofy (its still pretty goofy lol), but i think it worked... like... perfectly.
because its a coming of age story where the main character actually ages, it actually feels so right that the world around him begins to seem different too. it makes sense that when he was 12 we were doing stupid goofy adventures, when he was 15 we were watching him deal with a lot of really fucked up trauma, and when he was 17 we watched him learn to grow as a person who thinks beyond simple terms of good and evil.
i know im tottaaallly rambling at this point but theres really an insane amount to talk about with adventure time. the timeline alone is ridiculous. but mostly i think my passion comes down to the fact that i was also growing up with the story, always around the same age as the mc going through similar stuff... even now, the story is focusing on a depressed 20-something trying to find whimsy in her life again. and technically the last episode timeline-wise is about accepting death lol
so like idk how exactly id recommend it to a new viewer, its really possible that a lot of ppl wont be able to really tolerate the early seasons as adults (i mean, i think theyre charming, but i have nostalgia goggles lol). that being said i think that its a series totally worth a shot for everyone... eventually. if it sounds interesting you just gotta accept the goofiness at first and trust that youre in for something wild in a totally different way later on. and totally unique and cool and special in a way nothing else has really been able to capture for me since.
TL;DR: no yeah the show was incredibly fucked up and that swan did eat that other swan. but it does have themes and also lesbians.
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season 2 episode 5 reactions as i watch
huge spoilers obviously
(this is mostly for myself to have somewhere to scream as i go, its LONG AF youve been warned)
RANDALL IS SCARING ME SO MUCH LIKE PLEASE DONT BANG ON STUFF WHAT IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY MAKE THE TALISMAN FALL I AM HAVING A HEART ATTACK WITH THIS SCENE. RANDALL STOP STOP STOP YOURE GOING TO DIE DUDE
(straight up cant watch the rest of the episode because i paused it and cant bring myself to unpause lmaooo. from ends here for me i guess)
ok its over thank god
JADE STOP DRINKING SOMEONE HELP THIS MAN. hes even sleeping with the fucking journal like please he needs 20 interventions
also dammit he actually moved to the bar i accidentally manifested it LMAO
can the show please stop torturing this man with the hallucinations please and thank you
TABITHA IS IN MAMA WOLF MODE LETS GO
boyd defending sara... knowing what happened to his wife and what she did... oh man. this hurts. knowing tabitha also lost a child before turns the intensity of all this to eleven millions
LMAO ok someone calling tabitha out for her basement hole and its consequences at long last. i love tabitha but like it has to be acknowledged
"That part i cant help you with" dang Good Line
honestly cant even imagine how sara is feeling i dont know what id be doing in her situation like just watching it stresses me so much.
ETHAN BABY :'(((( im sobbing
KRISTI IS SO PRETTY oh my god i am so bisexual right now. she cant just do this. the shirtttt. i think im seeing the sweetest and most beautiful woman in the world
dhsjfhsh marielle doing the same thing with the shirt that i had the reader do in my fic i cant even
"For a long time it smelled like you. Now it just smells" i laughed so hard
"Youre still you" 🥺
SARA GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING ARE YOU TRYING TO GET K oh yeah wait she probably is
oh its her house ok god i thought she'd gone to the matthews'
NEW HOUSE WHO DIS
cant belive an extra got one of the few houses this is so funny to me for no reason
this scene gosh. ouch. ouch. im taking 2 damage per second watching this episode
JADE. the bottles. jade my beloved this is point of no return level stuff. mrs Liu please come get him home
VICTOR
victoooor
"You dont look good" im losing it
thank you victor
victor 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 i love him. the sweetest
JADE IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU DONT BE LIKE THISSS
"WAIT" i fucking cant i love this man
"This took me all fucking night" jade never stop being the funniest mf on the planet please
jim calling tabitha tabby is so sweet it got me
"Faith. In you" oh boy. Oh man. Oh boy oh man. This scene. How is this show hitting every singe fucking note.
donna brought up abby omgomg
OK BUT CAN YOU BLAME HIM FOR WANTING TO FIND AN ALTERNATIVE THIS TIME
(maybe)
(arghhhh this is so hard)
"only monsters live in the woods" ethan i love everything you say. go my boy
(sara voice) okay
"The trees theyre changing" i love how victor is 100% harmless but could NOT be any more ominous lmaooo
CAR GRAVEYARD
"When i was alone i moved the cars because i didnt want to see them. Theres a lot more behind the rocks but those were already here" GODDAMMIT
no but victor is literally the sweetest man on earth. you were rightfully angry victor !! jade now you apologise.
"okay" ill kill him
victor sitting on the car 🥺🥺🥺🥺 im going to cry
what a scene. my god.
SARA HAS ONLY BEEN THERE FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS?
"Do you live here in town" ELGIN i love you
poor julie if she knew her crush is out there flirting with the local murderer
"I like what i like and i like owls" based. thats me writing 300 jade posts per day
oh boy this scene (me about every scene)
"THAT PART ALWAYS SEEMED A BIT LIKE WISHFUL THINKING TO ME" im. ill be processing for 3 years
"Did you do something that needs forgiving?" elgin my sweet boy
jim rightly proud of his badass kid
"you put hate inside me" :'(
is she gonna give her her stuff damn shes too nice
a part of me is feeling like shes gonna smash it tho lmao
SORRY FOR DOUBTING YOU MRS LIU
i am starting to assume that everyone forgot about tobey so jade is never even gonna know that it was sara lmao
KENNY
oh my god kenny
im hurt seeing him so hurt
TOWNSPEOPLE CAN WE GIVE KENNY A BREAK OVER HERE PLEASE WHAT R U STARING AT HES VERY RIGTHFULLY MAD HE HAS EVERY RIGHT
oh elgin
elgin youre too sweet
elginnnnn
everyones gonna hate you elgin 😭😭😭 i am suffering for you
KRISTI BECAME EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THIS IS NOT A DRILL
now please do jade
"KRISTI WHERE ARE YOU GOING BABY STOP"
KRISTI NO NO NOOOOOO
i love her so much
"People liked him, then he changed" dont do this to me
"I am at the end of my rope" oh god
TABITHA??????
holy fucking shit im going to die of heart attack
this doesnt have captions i dont know what the creepy ghost children are saying
I WAS LITERALLY THINKING I WISHED TABITHA AND JADE WOULD INTERACT AND LOOK AT THIS NOW
i knew jim would not vote box lets goo
BOYD WHY
Randall ????
OKAY that tabitha and marielle scene from last episode was bothering me so much i cant believe i didnt think of this
what an episode my god
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10, 16, & 20 for the pride asks please! :)
20. Have your ocs helped you in self discovery? How?
lets start off with 20 because its defintely the funniest lmaoooo
my main character sam is transmasc (a trans boy) and my tertiary protag is a lesbian (aubry) and she discovers this as the story goes out and let me to tell you there is nothing more hilarious than 1. writing and thinking extensively about how your character is a lesbian and pouring so much into that while being in total denial about yourself and 2. discovering even more about your own inwards trans feelings by giving your transmasc oc 90% of your personality and also through metaphor and symbolism by making a lot of the story a trans analogy. but wait, the character i see the most of myself in, sam, is transmasc but aubry, the second character i see so much of myself in, is a lesbian so how can these seemingly contradictory things be true simultaneously you ask? well it turns out that im a transmasc lesbian. who couldve saw that coming, right? (me. i saw this coming). still the funniest fucking thing about me like "yeah go ahead and tell yourself a story and accidently awaken something in yourself, this will be so funny and cool" and honestly it is so cool! one of the most writing things ive ever done
10. Does your oc celebrate Pride? How?
yes they do! sam has been to a local pride parade/event at some point with his parents (who are bi4bi). he also has a trans flag hanging up in his room that dual functions as a symbol of pride and also a window curtain that turns his room pink and blue at certain times of the day (its intentional). chelsie celebrates pride as well, mostly through self expression like with her clothing and style but she loves pride events too and collecting little pride themed objects that end up in random places. i feel like chelsie's way of celebrating pride is chaotic and spontaneous which suits her. both of them have pride themed bracelets and backpack pins, you know the baby queer stuff i love (i still love the baby queer stuff idc) and sam has trans, bi and rainbow themed tie dye shirts he made and loves to wear. aubry has never seen any pride flag or been to an event and she didnt even know gay people existed as well people and not the boogyman or theoretical person she heard about in church until she realized she was gay and met other queer people (and she literally has two dads LOL). but once she does she cant get enough of rainbows and the lesbian flag which in the alternate universe world where shes from no one knows its meant to symbolize queerness. so she gets to walk around with flags and colors that no one recognizes except her and her family. its hilarious, its her own "no one knows im a lesbian" pin. they just think shes from a different country or something (where all the pretty girls are from). sam and chelsie gifted her a lesbian flag through their mail system once she returned home and she cherishes it. mostly, i'd say my characters celebrate pride through living, being who they want to be and uplifting each other amd they love their glitter, music, make up, tie dye shirts, flags and rainbows too
16. Did you ever change an oc's identity when they were already established? Why?
my character's queer identities have been pretty solid since inception and through their development, its one of the things that have changed the least about them. sam used to be some flavor of trans/nonbinary but there are other nonbinary characters in my story now and sam ids with transmasc the most instead of nonbinary. chelsie has always been transfem as far as i can remember although i mightve imagined her cis one single time and then said "nah im gonna trans your gender no way in hell youre cis" when i didnt feel connected to her characterization [transgenderfication beam]. and aubry has remained gay as hell even as she started off as a completely different person that split into two then i used one half of the personality, refurbished it by gave it some religious trauma, pining and autism to create modern aubry then used the other half for something else. everyone else's personalities have started at the surface level idea of who i think they are and deepened and complexified from there and thats even more intricate than i could describe in one sitting and not always specifically about their queer identity
oh i almost forgot! one character (benjamin, aubry's father) has a bi panic awakening after he went through life identifying as gay and instead of a guy being the source of the panic it was aubry's mother (valid, i'd panic if i saw her too). his character started off as gay but aubry didn't hatch from a magic egg or grow from a pumpkin in a patch or fall to earth like a shooting start (amos's many joke versions of the birds and bees, amos is married to benjamin and is her dad #2) so i needed an explanation for that. he also discovers he's polyamorous in the process so good for him! other characters have become noticeably less cis over time but were already kinda gender weird to begin with if i squinted hard enough. like are you really cis if im writing you? be fr
also, sam's parents in my mind
#thanks for playing rachel! <3 ur so cool#ask game#roadtrip! by me#sam (roadtrip!)#chelsie (roadtrip!)#aubry (roadtrip!)
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November 20th, Monday 20:38
So, first of all, hello, Im Raccoon, well at least i would like to be one. Im 17 years old and i frequently write down my thoughts when i feel sad or angry in a pink notebook by my bed, for the past four maybe three years.
And lately i have been thinking of just trying to write down my thoughts everyday, about how i feel, to know what i am even feeling, and that I'm not just overwhelmed and impulsive at the moment. So i don't ruin my next week or day by obsessing over that one boy that smiled that one time at me or was funny. Because in reality he doesn't like me and i need to step down and realise that, but maybe he does and everything is not a big fat lie, but it is. At least for me, mostly. Everything, almost, everything is fine in my life, except for being kinda fat and not having a real, single boyfriend in my 17 years of living. I know that is not that much and what i am even worrying about, because i have the whole life ahead of me(i dont see myself living past 20). Well could kind of imagine it, but because of one thing and another i always thought i would not live past 18, but now i am 17 so its quite possible i will live past 18, dont really know what will happen afterwards.
Its kind of a dilemma i know to love someone u need to first love yourself and shit, but i really hate myself most of the time, i hate how i look, i hate how lazy i am, i hate stressful i am, i hate how sick i am...yada yada yada. I know there are physical things i am able to fix, but how do i know i just wont regress? Even now im imagining how this blog or whatever this is, is gonna get popular, and be turned into inspiration for poems or people, but after all this text is just my personal feelings, about myself, for myself, that dont really make sense sometimes, because my native language is not english lol and im typing in a hurry and then gonna prob put a pretty background or something and post it if i get the courage, well its a very big probability nobody is going to read this ever, bcs lets honest who reads blogs these days..
always the artist never the muse" i have been very attached to this quote(dont know who is the author) i even begun last year attending professional art school, so i will probably never be the muse even how much i want to be one. Its almost the same with taking pictures, im always taking pictures of others and there are almost never anyone taking picture of me without asking. Well i dont really like people specially taking pictures of me, because of how ugly i look, but still, i dont know. Theres this one friend who takes pictures of me, because that of other things that that person does makes me think im gay or that she likes me, because shes gay. I think im not gay. Like i would prefer a guy fucking my brains out not a girl, but i could never imagine anyone fucking me, mby i can.. hmm not rly, maybe because i have never been fucked, or my imagination is kinda weak. Well i am in art school so i thought it should be good, but lately, well after that thing in 2018 april, I think i have been in this one giant art block. Maybe i need to go to a therapist, to sort things out, not really sure.
I wish sometimes i was a boy. And i think i stink right now, fully emotionally and physically. Whats up with that.
I must have too many dreams and too little motivation.
I dont think i should have continued art, its too much, im not even good at painting, if i actually started practicing more maybe i would, but i think im still worse than most of my peers. And in this school there are mostly girls here and i know almost nobody outside the school and town bcs i didnt even live here two years ago, the ppl who have lived here their whole childhood dont even know where to turn to get a shortcut!
My goal this evening was to paint something, but somehow i started writing a blog..
I think i should have been better of dying that day in 2018. Im not good of a person and i dont really know if ill ever change. What does actually happen after death? Has anyone thought of that? I kind of think after you die its just all pitch black and then u suddenly open your eyes and there you are as your first memory u can think of at 10 years old or whatever, like 'snap' and there you are, but dont know who you were or who you will be. I kind of want to get into biology, but idk if a have the commitment for it.
Two days ago when i was a home visiting my family, after sauna, I was sitting by the table with some other cousins at my grandmas house and one of the older cousins, who was kinda drunk btw, asked me if i had a boyfriend, i thinking already of crying and just jumping down a building calmly said: "no, do i need one?". i want one.
I think my mom is homophobic, but. i also think that im not gay, but i will probably never get a bf, because ppl these days are very obsessed by how other ppl look from the outside mostly or i just dont know a lot of ppl and real life is not like the movies or manga that i read in my free time, that i should stop reading, maybe that would solve everything.
Also by wishing that i was a male, because it really seems to be bit easier to be a boy, how the world looks at you, and how theres a lot more chance of no rejection. Maybe im just living in my small minded world and have not that many ppl with different opinions on life that would make me understand that the world works differently. A lot of ppl around me also believe we are born to fulfil our one mission here on earth, i still dont see mine here, like ppl would be fine if i went and died and go on with they're life normally, because im just this one little spec of dust besides other 7 billion dust pieces, that separately are a nobody. Maybe my family would be devastated, but prob would be prepared for this kind of event about me and i think it would be much easier for my mum if i died, she worries too much about me.
Im just lonely.
A selfish bitch.
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aight got rid of the irls. mental illness rambling, not anything negative, just reflecting again. big talk on dissociation so avoid if thats an issue for u
idk we used to be so terrified of the whole 'integration' thing but there is something so.. calming and beautiful(?) in acting as one. we're still different in a way, but we're so blurred together that there may as well be no difference between one another. 'switches' are basically seamless at this point, though we never had too much of an issue with that. Amnesia isnt an issue, i mean theres still some memories that we cant really.. access or thinking about it brings up a mental "ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS" mental prompt. but like, with no real therapy getting this far is pretty good, no? i dont think i can get too much farther on my own, but thats fine for now. i think theres one or two parts that havent been integrated, judging from gaps and things ive just kinda observed. dissociating is still kind of an issue, but its hard to tell how much of that is from mental illness and how much is from my physical shit just being really bad rn. its never for very long though, and i can snap myself out of it at this point.
looking back at how i used to feel like i was.. only ever vaguely aware of things going on, voices just constantly ordering around the body like im a puppet, the fear i felt back then. felt like i was drowning in pure ass dissociation. man. shits so much better. i mean theres also the fact that we actually communicate but.
its so relieving to feel like im actually in control, and to actually be in control at least at times. and also to be able to actually trust my parts now too. i still cant tell who the fuck or what the fuck i am but thats fine? i dont think it matters too much at this point. sometimes it bothers me, but like....idk man, friends say im nice n cool, so who cares. i can recognize i have some bad habits and shit, and try to work on them... and the obsession with art is pretty consistent. so is this rambling. dont think what or who i am matters much past that.
we've been mostly present the last year or so and its just... its so amazing how we act when we aren't clouded in that shit. feels like a completely new person. i mean it basically is lol but. its so fucking good, i thought i was just an asshole before that but nope! just hard to care or interact with people when your mind does not exist. turns out im kinda funny and bitches like that! who fucking knew.
idk when i get that driving license i think ill finally bother to get a therapist. got some things i wanna do that i can only do when i get over the whole trauma shit.
even with all that said a lot of this progress happened /after/ being single. bpds like that lol. man im so fucking glad im over the whole 'if im single i wont be able to live, i can only have a happy life if im with someone' etc shit. i get where its coming from, have that compassion, etc etc, but like... Oh man. Hindsights 20/20. turns out i fucking love myself and love being on my own. i just also love chaotic slightly-bad relationships (i have some standards. not good ones.). gotta work on that too... hah.
seriously funny that i kept going on and on abt how good my relationship with [several year dude] was and then. oop. hindsight hits, turns out! probably not that great. especially in the last year. i mean he did cheat on me after leaving me in the dark for months on end so like, no shit, but. idk best not to go into detail on that one. think some ppl that know him follow here lmao. dude is fine, just a bad partner. not abusive just not a good fit for me at all.
maybe i just dont understand other depressed people at all lmao? tho my depression is kinda wacky since my emotions are kinda wacky as hell. gonna absolutely have to unpack that one with a therapist. i totally get why its like that but lmaooo solving that is too hellish for me.
#personal#even vaguely thinking about those memories makes the panic surge in someone. man...#still good to poke at them every now and then though i think? hm.#who knows.#not me. im not a fuckin professional. i just do a shit ton of research and experimentation#have a lot thoughts. wanted to just write them. and this account has always kinda been a place i put it#aside form my now deleted priv twt#there was a two whole extra paragraphs and then i was like. hm. no. thats a bit too big of a bomb to drop here actually lets keep that one#actually private i think lol#no one fuckin reads these (that is so fine) and no one follows this acc (also so fine) but like. its still not private enough ykn
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The Eternal War: Do Systems Matter?
Many a soldier has fallen to this eternal struggle, lines drawn, brother and sister forced to fight one another on the weapon scattered battlefield of this question. The Lords of Order and Chaos bicker at each other in the lands beyond the end of the world. So what does a lone goblin trapped in a sea of trash known only as The Junkyard have to say on the matter that could possibly have any affect in this battle?
NOTHING
But thats not fun and I found this weird machine that connects to something called the Demon-webs that allows lost souls to communicate across the many worlds. It was locked away in a cursebox but im sure its fine.... anyway to answer the loaded question "do systems matter?" first I need to figure out what the fuck is a system is in the first place. It is just the mechanisms that drive play? all the words on the page? is art system? is layout? Well..... I don' know, im a simple goblin that lives in a junkyard so I'm just gonna say for this question that systems are the mechanics; roll 2d6, a 1d100, how much loot you can carry, etc.
With that question answered which side of this war do I join? Will I finally get one of those cool alignment languages I keep hearing about, so I can get some of that hot goss I keep hearing about?
My answer to that question is NO, well...…. maybe? but definitely not an enthusiastic YES, so its still mostly a no, even if its a soft no. So what about all that other stuff? The art, a funny joke that has no barring on the game, the dreaded Typo demons?
DO GAMES MATTER?
Well Im' still a simple goblin that asking more questions than having answers, so is a game the book or what happens at the table? When we sit down together and the veil between worlds thin, our collective revelries merge together, does the book still matter? if we didn't roll any dice or fight any monsters are we still playing DnD? One thing I can definitely say is that I don't like looking at that cursed tome during the euphoria of play unless its cool loot to look up. I think thats my befuddled answer, that games matter cause their ideas do. Its like conjuring the spirit of their creator whispering little ideas into my ear, even if it's just a small fragment of them doing so.
Games are like little toyboxes filled with sparks of potential. The plastic of the mutant frog samurai toy doesn't matter but the idea, the imagination, the little adventures I went on with him matters. The friend that dropped a brick on my favorite mech solider that was broken cause it was made from cheap plastic cause I was poor matters and yes im still a little bit salty about it even though its been almost 20 years. The tacos my mother made while we were playing matter.
WAIT!!! MAYBE....
If all those things matter; the ideas, the imagination, the friends, the food, the laughter...
If all that matters, then when we at the end of the world. Me and my friends are hanging on by an inch of our lives, it's the final turn before all is lost; all those adventures could end in sadness or end in a glorious mess of laughter and tears. Before that final roll is made, the Fates have already decided that sparkly twenty-sided polyhedral with a little duck on the inside will only roll a 1 or a 20. Deciding that regardless of success or failure it will be remembered.
I roll it and BAM a natural 20, the little duck I named Tom Bombabil is staring directly back at me as if it already knew. The final roll of the final battle of the final boss ends with that number that causes all that jubilee. Its been 5 years since that day and we still talk about it, remembering it as if it really happened. We save the world, defeated the one who dare claimed Invincible, we were heroes.
Do you think that excitement for the number 20 was first written down on some notes or was it created in the moment, being permanently etched into the laws of the game?
So I'm back where I started, maybe this machine was cursed after all. Before I'm trapped in an endless loop I will ask my final question......
WAS IT THE SYSTEM OR WAS IT US? DO SYSTEMS MATTER?
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~ Treasure realizing they love you and the first time they say it pt 1.
Request 1: “ hmm im all in cute feelings, so FIRST I LOVE YOUS with treasure reaction thingy, would be super sweet 🙊💗🌼🌼 “ - anon
Request 2: “ i love your writing! treasure realizing theyre in love with their s/o🥺 “ - anon
These requests are both so adorable and fitting so I decided to combine them. Hope you enjoooy. Also, buckle up ‘cause ITS A LONG ONE AGAIN. Got carried away as usual so it’ll be in two parts. K BYE <3 - Nova
Hyunsuk
realizing it
it doesn’t take much to make Hyunsuk like you
but to actually fall in love with you
that’s a different story
he’s alone at the studio, trying to get his verse right
every time he fixes something he didn’t like, he notices something else
he’s sat at his desk, elbows next to the keyboard
head hanging down with his fingers tangled in his hair
a sharp inhale
a shaky exhale
then his phone lights up, a message from you, asking if he’s home yet and how his day went
2.30am, he reads
he starts typing, frantically, on and on as the chaos in his head makes it’s way onto his phonescreen
only for him to stop and delete it all because he knows what he really wants to send you
but it’s too late and he doesn’t want to be a burden, you need your sleep too
when he looks up and sees his own reflection in the, now dimly lit, screen of his computer
another sharp inhale
‘Not so great to be honest, can I come to your place?’ sent.
on the way to your house he’s still thinking about turning back
but all those thoughts are long gone the moment you open the door
your eyes beaming at him, messy bun wiggling side to side and you’re wrapped up in a blanket
his heart melts as he feels the tightness in his temples and neck from the stress subside
‘Hi- I missed you.’
you probably didn’t notice but he almost said something else
he snickers to himself, that would’ve been a bit early
saying it
definitely the type to say it without realizing what he’s saying
you two are getting groceries
which, even though it’s not a special thing, is always so much fun
this time you ended up playing hide and seek
it wasn’t really discussed, you just lost Hyunsuk at one point and decided to turn it into a game instead of calling him
which means it’s your turn now
it had been over 20 minutes and he was getting worried
very impressed with your skills
but worried
in the end he decided to call you
to his surprise he hears your ringtone behind him
he turns around
the ringtone is still behind him
he turns around
what the-
he turns around but really fast this time
his eyes meet yours a second before you start dying from laughter
‘How long where you doing that for-?’ he laughed in self-pity and disbelieve
when he finds out you never left he sighs
‘Ugh- I love you.’ he mutters inbetween chuckling
for a second he freezes, a thousand things running through his mind
but y’know what? fuck it.
‘Yea- it’s true. I love you.’
Jihoon
realizing it
also seems like someone who does not fall in love quickly
mostly because he’s not looking for it, he doesn’t feel the need to be in love to be happy
but once he does
oh boy
so when you came in his life he wasn’t thinking about a potential relationship
or wondering if you two would be compatible
he simply enjoyed your presence and you two got closer as friends
because of this the moment he realizes he has feelings for you will be overwhelming for him
wasn’t ready
you weren’t even doing anything different than usual
just eating in the yg cafetaria, both rambling about things
subjects that made people walking by look up because they didn’t get the full story
out of nowhere he fell hard
the mechanism that’s supposed to be his brain malfunctioning
croissant in mid-air
it all just made sense
the reason why he could never be sad around you
the reason that made your eyes twinkle more than anyone elses
the reason you saying his name sounds different than when anyone else says it
the reason he’s now sitting with his mouth wide open staring at you without really looking at you
‘Y-yea, I was listening. Ofcourse I was.’
saying it
probably says it on a special occasion
not planned or anything
it just seemed fitting in that moment
he realized before you two were even dating so it’s not like there’s any doubt left
still, expressing it feels like a very big step
it was quite a warm autumn evening
you were sitting on the floor at the salon table
filled with food from different places
‘I’m so proud of us.’ he beamed
you had just finished a very important essay which is going to be a great advantage when looking for an internship
he had just ended filming their third music video
‘I wish I could show you, you’re gonna love it.’ he mumbled before grabbing another bite
it looked like a feast but takeout-style
you continue eating, enjoying each others company
all the windows were open because of the nice weather
a soft breeze would ruffle the curtains
the subtle sound mixing well with the music
Jihoon had looked for just the right playlist for almost half an hour
and it couldn’t have been more perfect
the warm light of the candles was accompanied by a desklight
you got it out of your room because the ceiling light wasn’t cozy but the candles weren’t enough to see each other’s face (or the food)
the topic slowly drifts to more nostalgic memories
dates to the beach, your weekend in Japan, meeting his friends
‘You know what’s funny? out of all of those memories the one that is most special to me was a really simple one.’ something in his expression changed and you sat calmly, waiting for him to continue
‘It was a few days before I asked you out on our first date. We were at yg, eating something.’ he grabbed another bite of food, chuckling at your impatient response
‘I don’t know what it was but out of nowhere I realized I was in love with you.’ the words came out while he looked at his plate, looking up only a second before he continued
‘I still do. I love you-, even more each day.’
Yoshi
realizing it
there’s not really a specific moment where it hit him
his love for you grew gradually
which is exactly how he liked it
from the moment he met you he was never nervous around you
he never felt like he wasn’t good enough or like he had to try harder
everything made sense from day one
there would be moments where is heart could burst from it
like the time you tried to fix his broken jeans with a youtube tutorial
or when you first fell asleep on his chest
the worst was when he couldn’t see you for a few days
as if the love in him grew and grew but he couldn’t give it to you
he just felt like he was going to explode sometimes
the other boys would notice very easily
‘I know it’s only a few days, you guys are right.’
his mind didn’t listen to his own words
‘I’m fine- I promise.’
but if it’s a few more hours he might not be
he would go to bed quite early these days
after he noticed that trying to distract himself wasn’t working
he’d scroll through photo’s you took together
and photo’s he took of you
he’d sent you another text, hoping your phone was off so he wouldn’t wake you up
a strange mix of happiness and sadness
luckily once he realizes his sadness is temporary and it only shows how special you are to him he’ll be able to focus on the happiness
thinking about all the memories you’ve made and will make in the future as he slowly drifts to sleep
saying it
finally
finally he was going to see you again
it was only like three days but boy was he DEPRIVED
he was the first done packing
the first in the car
the first to run into the dorm and put his bag away
aaaand the first to run out the door again
you two had been texting all day about movies to watch and all the stories he wanted to tell
his knee bumped up and down in the bus
he couldn’t remember the last time he was this hyped
only three more stops
he gazed out the window chuckling at himself
who would’ve thought someone could make him feel like this?
his hand clutched on to the souvenir he got you
two more stops
an old couple got in
yoshi always had a weakness for happy old couple
but now especially
he smiled politely at them
admiring how in love they looked
that would be you in the future, he thought to himself
one more stop
his smile was still on his face
recognizing restaurants you two went to
clothing stores where you complimented his style
and then
the bus stop
it’s the one where you two met
he still can’t believe he managed to strike up a conversation with you that day
but it must’ve been meant to be
he looked around frantically as soon as his foot hit the sidewalk
the sound of your shoes on the floor came closer
he turned to face the sound and before he could even see your face he was holding you in his arms again
tightly as if to tell the world you were his
a deep sigh left his mouth before he mumbled into your hair
‘I love you- I missed you so much. I’m so happy to see you.’
Junkyu
realizing it
‘stop being weird-’ ‘says who?’
you and Junkyu were laying on his bed
both with your limbs spread out, staring at the ceiling
you weren’t sure how long you’d been there
he hummed along to the song you just put on
before being interrupted by the sound of his own stomach
‘Oh wow- sounds like it’s time for lunch.’
you nodded in agreement as you grabbed your phone
he started thinking about what to get, watching you tap away on your phone
your hair was laying in a circle around your head
a shadow from the ceilinglight behind your phone over your eyes
he noticed how you pupils dilated as they adjusted to the light everytime your moved your phone a bit
your eyes are cool af, woah
he turned to his side, still looking at your features while you scrolled on your phone
the song changed and this time it was you humming along
your voice is so nice, he thought to himself
his dreamy moment was interrupted by you looking at him
oh right- food
‘Uh- I want uh-..’
to his surprise you tell him you already ordered
‘What- what about me?’
you listed the things you ordered for him, saying how you definitely knew what he wanted by now
he was shocked
if you aren’t the SWEETEST MOST THOUGHTFUL HUMAN BEING
then he wouldn’t know who is
his dreamy moment continued, even though you were staring right back this time, confused
he never felt like this before
like he wants to fast-forward and sit in a rocking chair with you, grumbling about youth
wait
fuck
this is love isn’t it?
saying it
he promised
he promised he wasn’t going to fall asleep during the movie
but look at him now
soft deep breathing, lips slightly parted as he was laying against you
even though you didn’t want to wake him up you had already seen this movie with friends and the remote was all the way on the table
you reached forward in slow motion
slowly
sloooooowly
Junkyu moved, rubbing his cheek against your shoulder before mumbling under his breath and laying still again
that was close
the journey continues
slooooooooooowly
you were only 10cm away from reaching the remote
‘N-no hh.. stay h- ple ase.’
a dilemma
lean forward a bit more or sit back and just let the man sleep?
bit more
sloooooooooooooooowly
your fingertips grazed the remote and it wobble side to side
‘Babe?-’ that definitely sounded more awake then earlier
but when you look at him you see he’s definitely not fully awake yet
‘Come back to beeed-’ he whined
bed? boy, we’re on the couch
you didn’t mention it and instead quickly grabbed the remote before you sat back down a little faster
‘Th-nk yo-’ he held you tighter
‘Love you-’
wait what?
Mashiho
realizing it
seems like a hopeless romantic to me
so might realize quite fast
this man has been fantasizing and imagining his future love life for so long
not to the point where he’s yanking flowers apart to find out if you love him or not
but he sees the beauty in so many things
enjoys the warmth of the sun on his skin
likes to watch people going about their day and thinking what their life is like
leaves sweet notes on receipts for hardworking employees to find when they come clean his table
little things but a lot of things
he has an eye for beauty and knows exactly how to use it for his own happiness
so he quickly noticed how happy you made him
it was again, the little things
but so so many
how your pinky finger was always a little higher than the rest when your hands were relaxed
how the cute baby hairs on the back of your neck would always leave your ponytail within minutes of putting your hair up
how your foot would bounce up and down when you sat with your legs crossed, even if there was no music
how every time you called him cute he had to keep himself from calling you cute because he knew you’d hide your face in your hands right after
the way you sat against the mirror when you came to watch him practice
sleeves of his sweater to long for your arms as you clapped after each song
loving you wasn’t something that happens at one point
it’s built within him since the moment you met
it just grows and grows as you take care of it with your cuteness and love
saying it
so much snow
everywhere
the snowflakes were most visible under the light of the streetlanterns
appearing and disappearing as they went back into the dark nightsky
the crisp sound from under your shoes was relaxing
you and Mashiho had a snowballfight after finishing about 20 snowangels each
it had gotten dark before you knew it so now you were walking home
his arm around your shoulder, rubbing softly to keep you warm
you felt the cold water through your gloves but sharing bodyheat was all you needed
both of you had soft smiles on your faces, walking in content silence
and you were also just EXHAUSTED so the quiet evening was a nice change
in some of the houses you walked by you could already see christmaslights and trees
he noticed you looking
‘Lets get our own decorations soon.’
you nodded happily, leaning against him a little more
this was going to be your first christmas together
you never expected to celebrate it with someone this year
the idea of setting up a tree together and the coziness it would bring made him feel warm inside
you discussed fun things you could do for christmas
ways to surprise the boys or what you wanted to eat
he listened to you talk about memories and future plans
when he noticed how clearly he was already involved in those future plans he couldn’t help himself
‘Hey-’ he gave your shoulder a squeeze to make you look at him
‘I love you, so so much-‘
Jaehyuk
realising it
it was the first time you were going to meet the rest of Jaehyuk’s group
a little nervous but mostly excited you walked to the front door
he told you to text him when you got there so he could see you before the rest did
a few second after you saw he read your message the door opens
you get a kiss on the lips, a tight hug and a kiss on your forehead all after each other
he wanted to show you love but also wanted to mentally prepare you for what was about to him
don’t get him wrong, he loves the other members with all his heart but he could imagine them being a little.... overwhelming.
before he could even ask you if you were nervous the yells from the living room began
curious heads peeking out from behind his back, 11 hands reaching out to you as they all wanted to introduce themselves first
you could make out some teasing to Jae followed by someone’s voice trying to keep the peace
he looked at you with slight worry in his face, only to be greeted by a cheerful smile
before he knew it you were bashing out jokes left and right
even standing up for him a few times in the funniest ways
he couldn’t be happier
so many people he loved in one room
one in particular though
he took a moment to sit back against the couch and look around in awe
so happy
after a few hours and some good food it was time for you to go home
he watched you end your conversation with Asahi
who, to his surprise, seemed like he didn’t want the conversation to end
you waved goodbye to everyone and got loads of no’s and why’s in return
‘It’s late guys, she still has to go home.’
saying it
you still heard the whining when you and Jae reached the front door
you talked a few more minutes about how much you enjoyed yourself and the funny and awkward moments you two noticed
‘Apparently you don’t only make me happy but my friends too.’
you beamed at the compliment
even though you enjoyed the night as well, the validation that they did too meant a lot to you
‘So I’ve been approved?’ ‘Clearly.’
he insisted on walking you home
you discussed the evening even more
he explained more about their personalities and memories he has with them which now made so much sense to you
your fingers were intertwined, arms swinging back and forth playfully
for some reason he felt a lump in his throat
but he couldn’t quite figure out why
it even distracted him from your conversation a few times
which is very unlike him so you noticed quickly
when you stopped walking to ask him what was wrong
looking him in the eye to show you you were not taking nothing for an answer
the determined look in your eyes made him realize what it was
what he had been holding back
but he didn’t say it
not yet
after a few minutes you reached your frontdoor
‘Thank you for the great evening, I’m sure they’ll want you back as soon as possible.’
he leaned in for a goodnight’s kiss, holding you close a little tighter than usual
for a second he pulled back
‘I love you-’
before connecting your lips again
#this took me forever but I'm pretty happy with it#hope you all enjoy!#treasure#treasure reaction#treasure scenario#yg#ygtb#hyunsuk#jihoon#yoshi#junkyu#mashiho#jaehyuk#kpop
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Fuck It i am going to talk about my lovelink mcs now <3 i was kinda waiting for someone to send an ask but actually i dont care for waiting to see if something will ever happen
this is pel
and this is harvy (i havent drawn him yet so hes a sim)
abouts under the readmore bc i just know its gonna be kind of long
pel is in his 40s, and hes a welder and an artist. he can also do a bit of electrical work but he sticks with welding bc its what he likes best. his full name is michael-tyler pelman & hes a middle child with A Lot of siblings (im not gonna say the exact number bc me and my friends like to play fibbage 3 as our characters to help flesh them out and i want to drag out using his number of siblings as much as i can <3)
hes the mc i play as to romance sheng, oliver, mamoru, and dr vile and i consider him romancing them all one at a time to be one universe (theres canonical multiple universes right??????). the story that i have is that he dated sheng up until sheng’s coronation, when he panicked and booked it from the airport bc sheng declaring his love for him on live tv was Too Much Too Soon, rebounded with oliver until the date where oliver ignores the safeword, wherein he punches oliver in the face and blocks him <3 mamoru was the next rebound and they were pretty close until the part where mamoru has to go to pallay, and pel admits that he was actually lying about not knowing anything about pallay bc he panicked and didnt want to admit He Boned The King Of Pallay And Then Ghosted Him and they decide to slow things down a little. and then all the stuff with dr vile happens <3 (im still trying to decide if pel should actually be the heir to meneki or not bc on one hand it doesnt make sense for someone with as many siblings as he does to be the heir but also at the same time i think itd be funny if the lost heir of meneki appears for a week, talks about how stupid he thinks monarchies are, and then fucks off to do evil shit in space) (also i do think that pel, vile, and mamoru would be a cute thruple <3)
ingrid, nicholas and garrett are also his li’s, but “non-canonically”
---
Harvy is in his mid to late 20s, canadian (hes from vancouver, spent most of his time on hastings) , and an “ex”-hooker however unlike my boy avalon (who was a very classy gigolo and only did the weird stuff if the price was right), harvy will do the weird stuff for $10 and a burger from some shitty fast food place. (i feel like this song is a really good description of him). he also used to be a part of a gang but something happened and the gang leader helped him go into hiding. also hes trans <3 and has every sti <3 also a bunch of fake identities. like liam/min-jae, he changes his hair color every few weeks
his “canon” li is austin in the sense that hes the one that you match with, but bc of his history as a hooker who did the weird stuff he’s really into gross dudes while he does try to help austin out he has considerably more feelings bennie (the feelings being disgust and horniness <3). i think after he gets the dna evidence from bennie (which does not involve bennie getting stabbed but instead getting consentually laid) and turning it into the police, he convinces bennie to go into hiding with him by saying that he himself did sometihng to get the police on him and that he wants bennie to go to canada with him (harder for cops to do things when country lines are crossed). it does get austin off of death row. thats about as much of their story as i have planned out. mostly the whole point of it is sometimes its fun to write about fictional characters who r toxic to each other (meaning that. bennie and harvy r toxic to each other, his relationship with austin is pretty okay except for the unreciprocated feelings)
his noncanon lis are emmerson, liam, phillip, alex and mayyyybe tiros? im still trying to decide if i want to make a new charcacter specificially for tiros on account of you literally Cannot go back to sleeping with regular humans after being with a centaur. it wont be the same
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Misaeng review
Ok, it's been almost a week, so I feel like I can get my thoughts (somewhat) in order. As usual, I'm late to the party, given that Misaeng aired 6 years ago, and is already considered a kdrama classic. Still: thoughts!
(under the cut)
I came to this drama with quite a lot of expectations, both because I'd seen it on a lot of rec lists, and also because I'd watched director Kim Won-seok's Signal and My Mister, which are justifiably as beloved as Misaeng. I'm happy to report that Misaeng mostly lived up to those expectations!
The writing & direction work together to make Misaeng a very immersive experience, which is good, considering the entire run time is over 20 hrs. The level of seemingly mundane detail of the operational aspects of running a trading firm that they delve into (and other dramas might have avoided for sake of pacing) seemed odd to me at first, but eventually result in a world building that's incredibly well fleshed out. The (formerly unlikely!) high stakes of a misplaced piece of paper or octopuses in a shipment of squid end up being parts of an emotionally wrenching narrative whole fairly seamlessly. Still, at 20+ hours, Misaeng also does get into the kind of pacing issues that most of the slice of life kdramas I've watched so far have. And it didn't need to! I think it had a wonderful ensemble of characters, and if they'd maybe given a little more time and space to characters other than Jang Geu-Rae (Im Si wan) and Oh Sang-sik (Lee Sung-min), the mid portions may not have felt quite so, well, stuck.
But more than the strong writing and direction, it was really the actors who delivered. They made what could have easily been a dull-ish office drama into a heart warming story about human connection and the joys and troubles of leading an "incomplete life". I'd never watched Lee Sung-min in anything before, and about half way through the series I was like, HOW IS HE MAKING A SHORT TEMPERED, ALCHOHOLIC MIDDLE MANAGER SO SEXY? Like, serious props, dude. Lee Sung-min is by turns annoying and brash and too shout-y and stubborn and funny and so incredibly vulnerable as a man trying his best to live by his principles in a world that thinks they are an impediment to "success", that you forget that he's playing a fictional character-- he's someone you know, he's someone you've seen in the mirror.
His performance as Oh Sang-sik is very ably matched by Im Si Wan's Jang Geu-Rae. This series would not have worked if these two actors didn't have the chemistry they do, and play off each other in every scene. I had watched Im Si Wan recently- in JTBC's "Run On", in which I liked his performance quite a lot, but I absolutely loved him as the naive and endearing Jang Geu-rae. Misaeng, is in part, a bildungsroman narrative centered around Jang Geu Rae. Im Si wan brought a kind of vulnerability to the role that might have felt cloying and emotionally manipulative in the hands of other actors, but Im Si-wan manages to do it with a light touch. I feel he's one of those actors that uses his whole body in a scene, not just relying on facial or verbal expression, and it's a joy to watch.
Each of the other actors in the ensemble also bring that dedication and talent to their roles, even if it's in a single scene. There are lots of one-off characters that we meet during the course of the series, and every single one of them leaves an impact.
But! I'm going to pick a fave from the supporting cast and that's Byun Yo-han, whom I'd last watched as the broody, troubled (and very sexy) swordsman Lee Bang-ji in Six Flying Dragons. I can't imagine a character more in opposition to that one than Han Seok-yul in Misaeng, but Byun Yo-han just knocks it out of the park as the scheming, cheerful and mostly inappropriate clown with a heart of gold; Han Seok-yul is the definition of Chaotic Good, and you're equal parts horrified by his antics- which include sexual harassment dont @ me -- and yet charmed by him. I wish they'd given him a few more scenes and a larger plotline to work with, but I also suspect that he might have just walked away with the entire series if they did that. (Am I plotting that series in my head as I write this? MAYBE.)
Alright, this is getting a bit too long, so I'm going to get to the bits that disappointed me. That's really one major thing: the gender politics. I don't know how different the show is from the web toon it's based on, so I can't tell whether they made significant changes to the basic plot and characters. As in- I have no idea if the webtoon was as male dominated in every way as the show is, so I'm not sure how much of the show's treatment of women as a class, and its female characters in particular, I should lay at the door of the original writer vs the screenwriter and director. I'm also lacking the Korean context in which this was written and made and aired, so you may take my criticism with a pinch of salt, if you please!
That the show features mainly male characters is perhaps unsurprising and realistic, since we know that the kind of corporate life it depicts is very male dominated, top to bottom. The show also portrays the very real and horrific overt and subtle misogyny that women face in the workplace and out of it; mainly in the character of Ahn Young-yi, played with steely determination and quiet suffering by the lovely Kang so-ra. There are only 3 other female characters that have any sort of real speaking role- Sun Ji Young (played by Shin Eun jung), a senior manager at the company, Jang Geu-rae's unnamed(!) mother (played by the amazing Sung Byoung-Sook) and Oh Sang-sik's unnamed (!) wife (played by Oh Yoon-Hong, who's a delight in every tiny scene she has). There are other women who appear but in very minor roles, and often in "comedy" moments that often rely on sexist tropes to start with.
Anyway, right there you can see one of the problems- 4 women characters that have any kind of real screen time, and only 2 of them are named. Aigoo! Screenwriter Jung Yoon-jung is a woman, and like, I don't like putting the burden on any one woman to y'know fix structural misogyny, but I can't also help feeling disappointed that she overlooked even this "small" thing among the larger things.
But that apart, the main issue for me was that while the show doesn't shy away from depicting egregious sexism in the form of sexual harrassment, verbal and physical and certainly emotional abuse, in a manner that's clear that we are meant to be horrified by it--it falls short of depicting how women deal and work with it. It just doesn't give enough space to women or their worldview.
It's very comfortable depicting victimhood, but doesn't put work into depicting the ways in which women survive by finding solidarity with other women. We have a scene or two where Ahn Young-yi who is this show's poster child for female victimhood interacts with the older women who offer sympathy and understanding, but no real strategy or support. And yes, we see men also being targeted by their seniors for the grossest verbal and physical abuse; and it's men who help Ahn Young-yi strategise on how to deal with her situation. Real life experience tells me that it's the women who do this work for other women. I have certainly been on both sides of this equation, for one, and so has every woman that I know in corporate life. And yes, one of the show's core philosophies is that those who endure, survive--but it is none the less extremely painful to watch Ahn Young yi "endure" the kind of abuse she does as a coping strategy and a survival strategy.
At the end of it, when she slowly manages to gain the support of her sexist team, it's shown as a victory-- though naturally imperfect, because this show takes its Realism very seriously (right until the end where it makes a tonal shift into quirky that I was a little ?? about)-- and y'know, sure, it is a victory. And I absolutely understand the choices she makes and why she does it-- I guess I just got annoyed by the fact that other antagonistic figures in the narrative get a more straightforward comeuppance for their egregious behavior, but Ahn Young-yi doesn't even get a goddamned apology from her abusers. Instead, we have a half humourous, half serious moment where she comments on how she's working at turning herself into "someone cute"- because she understands now that sometimes the right strategy is to "go with the flow". Be the water that slowly wears away at the rock. It's an interesting moment- the men she tells this to are taken aback by her bluntness, but also a little clueless about what she means. It's the kind of nuance that I would and do enjoy. Unfortunately, it also closely follows one of the show's most annoying scenes at the tail end of the series- where it tries to play off workplace sexism and misogyny as comedy- boys being boys-Reader, when I tell you that I had to WORK to unclench my jaw--!
I'm not saying we should have a single and obvious narrative of female emancipation. I'm not against realism in fiction, but god, sometimes, please do remember that when we look for escapism, we are actually imagining a better world. The first step toward liberation is allowing yourself to imagine it.
And the show does allow other characters its moments of unfettered fantasy- Im Si Wan parkour-ing all over the rooftops of Amman- and having a semi mystical + Indiana Jones moment in the deserts of Jordan--so why, I ask, are the women not given that gift?
*looks into the camera *
Tl;dr: I enjoyed it, it made me cry every episode, and I cared about all the characters, and if you haven't watched it yet, treat yourselves.
PS. Yes, Han Seok-yul is a disaster bi, sorry, I don't make the rules. Yes, hotties Oh Min Seok and Kang Ha-neul are canonically naked in a hot tub six feet apart because they are bros. Yes, I will be writing the fix it in which they fuck like angry bunnies. Yes, I am going to put my shipper cooties all over this gen slice of life show, deal with it.
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Otherside Picnic: my scattered thoughts
here are my unwanted opinions and thoughts on the manga and light novel so far. read the manga in one day (up to most recent chapter 20 i think) and read light novel volumes 1-4 in one day as well (skipped almost all of volume 1 bc it was basically the same thing until the ending)
spoilers obviously up to volume 4 part 7 ..lmao im just bored
1. FUCK SATSUKI. ME AND MY HOMIES HATE SATSUKI!!!!!!!!!! (props to the author tho for making me hate a character who is barely seen and mostly mentioned by name so much)
2. in this house, we love and respect kozakura (funniest third wheel and the cutest tsundere ever)
3. oh my god every time sorawo and toriko hold hands i cry,,,
4. also whenever they get protective of each other...
5. i get where sorawo is coming from in terms of not wanting to tell toriko about satsuki bc yeah she’s not a real person anymore. i kind of realized it since the beginning that satsuki wouldn’t come back either bc she was dead or turned into some monster. i’m still not completely sure satsuki was even a real person tho bc she was sketchy as hell before sorawo turned up and sorawo never met her but still
6. i constantly think about that scene of toriko showing sorawo how to use a gun. sorry im gay.
7. the descriptions sorawo gives every time she talks about toriko’s appearance is soo cute... and when sorawo said ‘the me when i was acting alone and the me when I was together with toriko were like two entirely different people’...
8. volume 4 is so far my favorite purely bc we’re getting the cutest interactions b/w sorawo and toriko, but also ninja cats bc it was just too funny
9. sorawo realizing that toriko was acting like her ‘boyfriend’ almost made me cry.. when i see the word ‘girlfriend’ in the novel,, it’ll be over for me
10. uh the creepiest part was definitely the one with the monkeys in the train bc what in the actual fuck 😭😭
11. im still on the fence about runa tho, fuck runa but also i feel really bad for her.. but it’s satsuki’s fault i feel bad for her so. oh yeah, add satsuki k1lling runa’s mom as the creepiest moments too
12. idk sometimes i can’t tell wtf is happening bc i can read the words on the page but there’s no way i can imagine the type of horror imagery lmao
13. karate girl is cute+ her friend getting jealous of sorawo staying over lmaooo
14. sorawo not contacting toriko bc she doesn’t wanna bother her. also i definitely noticed this was gay panic from sorawo’s side
15. toriko saying i love you..................
16. kozakura best girl for dealing with the two useless gays 😭still cute she went with them to the hot spring
17. im glad symptoms of ptsd showed up in both of them but its still not as accurate as real life would be.
18. sorawo being super smart is actually very iconic of her ( they way she used mattress spring and toilet handle (?) to get out of where the cult was keeping her)
19. migiwa should be best man @ sorawo’s and toriko’s wedding bc he is best man
20. man i really hope nothing happens to them at the hot spring (unless it involves gay behavior) ... these girls can never catch a break.
21. also i am 100% sure i will be crying when their first kiss happens btw
22. toriko has such top energy but sorawo also does, ugh i love them so much
23. help.. the first time they slept together i thought they had sex and i was like ‘wow this moved very quickly’ but then sorawo still had clothes on... toriko sleeping with no clothes.. very h*t of her to do so when they were on a ‘vacation’ alone..
24. sorawo calling toriko pretty/beautiful every time she looks at her ... me when girls
25. i, for one, am VERY happy toriko has two moms,,, i think this is the first time i’ve ever read a yuri with two moms in it (oh wait just remembered they’re not alive anymore :((((((( but still when toriko explained and sorawo was so confused 😭😭😭😭)
26. overall, very good slow burn. it’s picking up the pace now in volume 4 which i am excited about ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
27. can’t get over how funny kozakura is smh. also the fact that she can’t handle fear well at all is so ironic
28. i’m also excited on how the anime’s gonna look
29. the manga is so far behind tho idk how long its gonna take for it to catch up 😭i think the series’ll be over by that point lmao
30. am very saddened by sorawo’s past :(((
#otherside picnic#otherside picnic spoilers#yuri#yuri manga#yuri light novel#forgot the mention#the fact that they're not high schoolers is the best thing in the universe oh my god finally#im not expecting anyone to read this lmao i'm just wanna talk about this story so much
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no nuance november!
a/n: which is basically you have a bunch of opinions and dont explain any of em' and let your followers discuss them (much more suited for tiktok sjsnj). i'll be doing it since it compiles with many topics like fandom, racism, lgbtq+, politics and etc. i highly encourage people to do this simply because why not? feel free to send your own opinions n stuff, i wanna know what my followers think!!
disclaimer!! ⚠️ all of these are broad, not pin pointing certain people or situations. even though these are my opinions these were all in fun and have been collected over the years and will change as time goes on. nothing is sugar-coated so thread carefully. feel free to agree or disagree. :)
warning(s): mentions of racism, p*do micro aggression, fetishizing, toxicity, abuse, politics, labelling, mental health, cancelling, fandoms, ages.
key:
iswis = i said what i said, no explanation to that one.
whe = will happily explain.
stop sexualizing gay/m|m/yaoi relationships. it's not only demonizing to the males, it's also very fetishizing. (iswis)
most times /10 yall root for "feminine men" when you really mean white boys and fetishised asian men on social media. (whe)
bullying someone isnt educating. you either cant cope with the fact people have different opinions from you or you have a struggle with things either always never going your way or the opposite. (iswis)
straight people will never have a say in lgbtq+ issues. stop inserting yourself. (iswis)
white people will never have a say in poc issues. stop inserting yourself. (iswis)
poc will never have a say in black people issues. stop inserting yourself. (vice versa but im black and it happens more often to us lol) (iswis)
using the defense, "but black lives matter, right?" when one black person does something bad isnt facts, youre racist. (iswis)
fandom adults need to stop gatekeeping the target audience (demographics) to animes/shows. (iswis)
poc people can be racist. (whe)
even if a certain site was adult doesnt mean that every adult wants to see your porn. either keep it to yourself or tag properly. (iswis)
saying shit like, "im more xyz than you and im not even xyz" is not only disrespectful but disgusting. just because you believe in a popular opinion of a group does NOT suddenly make you a person in it, get over yourself. (iswis)
dont hate on people for the same things you have done at a young age. (ex: writing fanfic, seggs, etc) (iswis)
blaming a minor/someone mentally unstable for being abused is not only victim blaming, but it enables the notion that people who go those things that they wanted it. (iswis)
going off of that last point, if you do victim blame for situations and been in them yourself you either still havent coped with what you went through and still think it was your fault when it wasnt. (whe)
it's stupid people hate minors for being undeveloped when adults are the reason as to why people get traumas, abused and quite literally are destroying the world right now. (iswis)
gen z is white as fuck. (iswis)
early 2000s kids are equivalent to 90s kids who use to post, "only 90s kids under this" and post something that 2000-5 experienced. (iswis)
dear 2005+ kids, abusing harmful substances and having sex doesnt make you grown. stop it. (iswis)
adults, being able to post porn doesnt make you grown or mature, stop believing that it does. (iswis)
just because it's a coping mechanism doesnt mean it's healthy. (iswis)
avoiding conflict doesnt mean youre mature. if there is an active problem and you know ignoring it will only benefit you and not the actual problem at hand that is selfish. (iswis)
black women generate clout for everyone. when we're hated the person gets patted on the back, someone appreciates black girls they are praised, and people of many groups repeatedly steal from our culture. (iswis)
YES THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING BLACK AND AFRICAN AMERICAN. (whe)
if youre black you do not have to be democrat OR republican, there are many other parties. (whe)
i do not trust either parties, no minority should. (whe)
this 2020 election was not a win for poc people no matter who won. (iswis)
we do not decide whether or not what to do on columbus day. it is up to the natives themselves. (whe)
pointing out other countries (current) faults is not racist. although the issue can be misconstrued, if proper research is done it safe to say it's an educated observation or opinion. (whe)
privilege heavily varies; ex, americans are seen as privileged, while the people who live in it experience a disadvantage because of the societal standards. within the country itself. (whe)
americans, stop saying that america is the worst country and there are other countries who are suffering much worse than we are. yes sometimes it sucks but do not label it as the worst. (iswis + whe)
white people are privileged and will always be until we break the racist issues deep rooted in EVERY community. (iswis)
9/10 when marginalized groups like (women, lgbt) are mostly focused on white people and never address the poc counter parts. using the excuse "well idk much about that" is not good enough and just promotes pseudo-white supremecy. (iswis + whe)
do not use aave. (iswis)
aave is not gen z language, stop calling it that. (iswis)
gay men (white especially) use black women and get praised for the things we do that are called ghetto. (iswis)
yes it is offensive if you touch a black persons hair with or without permission. we are not your pets nor zoo animals. (iswis)
and yes it is offensive if you see a black women with beautiful hair and assume it's fake or ask, "is it yours?" "is it real?" (iswis)
using jailbait as an excuse to lewd minors is just as disgusting. (iswis)
beauty standards for women is rooted from pedophilia. (iswis)
using other pedophilic relationships as an excuse to ship yours is disturbing and you shouldnt be near children at any capacity. (iswis)
everything doesnt need a label. (iswis)
the fact that gangs have been criminalized while mafias havent is racist and feeds the stereotypes that poc are criminals. (iswis)
people are more forgiving to white predators than to poc (neither are good but people let white off the hook more often). (iswis)
if youre okay with your friends being racists, creeps, abusers you are just as bad. (iswis)
although you can like what you like, making dark content shouldnt be as glorified as much as it is. (iswis)
some kinks do deserve to be kink shamed. (iswis)
adults need to be more held accountable when held in situations with minors. (iswis + whe)
everyone perceives the world differently, many people will see the same things you see differently. (iswis)
calling people crazy for questioning the things around them doesnt make them crazy, youre just asleep. (iswis)
the human body can function without a soul. (iswis)
stop disrespecting christianity. you wouldnt do the same with hinduism, islam and etc. (iswis)
the bible was altered by white men and the true meanings have been misconstrued. (iswis + whe)
bullying someone who you THINK is problematic is not excuse to be hateful. youre just scum and feel the need to justify your actions. (iswis)
not everyone has to like you and dont need a reason. (iswis)
just because you dont like someone doesnt mean you have to make a show of it. be mature and move along. (iswis)
yes callouts/cancelling has its place but it's never done right. (iswis)
"cancel culture" wasnt a thing till white people joined in. (iswis)
dont cancel someone for stuff they did years ago. bringing it up is important but not allowing them to understand, reflect, and apologize is not only bullying it defeats the purpose of bringing awareness. (iswis)
big writers need to stop complaining when one fic or a few dont do good. not only does it rub in small writers faces, it shows that if you need people's validation to write you probably shouldnt be writing. some works will be popular and some will flop, get over it. (iswis)
stop witch hunting & crucifying people for shit you have done or your friends have done and going "uwu sorry" when you get caught. (iswis)
90% people believe content creators with bigger audiences. (iswis)
people spontaneously posting, "uwu take care of your mental health" doesnt mean that they actually care. (iswis)
people are always quick to judge people with real mental health such as depression, anxiety, adhd, and etc are always the one to turn and pretend to be exactly what they just mocked. (iswis)
dont have kids if youre not going to take care of them. (iswis)
stop baiting baby otakus (people freshly getting into anime) into watching cp like yarichin bitch club or boku no pico. they are minors, it's not funny, stop it. (iswis)
stop being protective & toxic over anime characters. if they were real they probably wouldnt even like you. (iswis)
just because someone is your friend doesnt mean that they arent toxic or abusive. (iswis)
start believing when people show their true traits. (iswis)
trauma happens in different forms, stop saying something didnt happen because it didnt go the way that has commonly happened or the way it occurred to you. (iswis)
stop saying minors should "know" while also being the loudest to say that our brains arent even developed till 25. (iswis)
the adult age should be raised to 20 years old. (iswis + whe)
tos should be raised to 16 years old. (iswis + whe)
minors take "18+" & "minors dni" out of your bio. (iswis)
yelling at minors for finding the content you freely put out without any care is your fault not theirs. (iswis)
there are plenty of adult sites that are more confined for adults but you guys ignore them because youd rather get popular on writing erotica on a popular social media platform. (iswis)
trying to cancel someone over one mistake and or blowing said things out of proportion is toxic and stupid. (iswis)
if you take someone saying they need to distance themselves for mental health reasons personally and make them feel bad for it youre an actual shitty person. (iswis)
if someone disrespects you, you have the right to say whatever you want in response. (iswis + whe)
stop hypersexualizing everything (adults especially). (iswis)
the excuses of, "they look grown" "i mentally think xyz" "theyre fake" is creepy and weird and yall should come up with a better excuse. (iswis)
yes i do believe minors should be writing for minors only, but i will not give a shit if an adult does if said characters are aged up in every work sfw or not. (iswis)
stop saying teens cant go through traumatic things and cant experience mental illnesses. it just shows that you werent cared for as a child and never get the therapy for it. (iswis)
gen z has a very colonized idea of activism. (iswis)
feminism was never for all women until the rest of us forced ourselves in. and even now it's still an issue whether or not people realize it or not. (iswis)
poc solidarity doesnt exist as much as we try to make it happen. (iswis)
colorism is an issue, and no you will not tell me otherwise. (iswis)
the hot cheeto girl is offensive and demeans black & hispanic culture. (iswis)
stop bashing minors for breathing, just say youre mad youre not young anymore and move on. (iswis)
black men are the white people of black people. (iswis)
there is no reason as to why you anyone would refer to black people as "blacks". nor should you (non-black people) be arguing whether or not to say nigga even with the hard r. (iswis)
if you (pertains to white people) think white privilege doesnt exist but go on to make fun of or ignore minority problems you are the living and breathing example of what we are talking about. (iswis)
loli/shotas are fucking disgusting and people who like it deserve to be tortured for eternity. (iswis)
seriously, stop using theyre "fake" as an excuse. (iswis)
if youre comfortable with being hateful to someone but still consider yourself a nice person because you do the hate minimum to be a decent human, youre either a narcissist or have a god complex. (iswis)
coons have no say in black issues. (iswis)
people need to stop blaming the "home wrecker" for ruining the relationship when it was the s/o's fault as well. there is no home to enter without an owner. (iswis)
stop saying any asian man yo see reminds you of a haikyuu character and or any anime character. it's racist. (iswis)
stop saying any asian person looks like a kpop idol, it's racist. (iswis)
stop downplaying and invalidating when black women go through traumatic things. not only does it promote that we have to be strong and save everyone else's problems, it says that we dont have emotions and cant be a victim which is disgusting. (iswis)
if you say shit like "minors curate your own experience" then go and turn around to say you REFUSE TO TAG YOUR SHIT YOU ARE LITERALLY MAKING THE PROCESS OF CENSORING HARD! (iswis)
white women are just as much of a problem as white men. only difference is sex keeping them apart. (iswis)
stop saying kpop is racist. expecting artists from a different political progression to understand that things can be offensive is bland. (iswis)
people accept boy groups fuck-ups more than they accept girl groups. and most times out of ten, the males are worse. (iswis)
if you engage in nsfw conversation with a minor, it is your fault they responded. (iswis)
anyone can be abused. (iswis)
stop coddling adults and bullying minors. (iswis)
most of you females have internalized misogyny and dont even know it. (iswis)
you can callout issues without having to drag a group of people. same with uplifting. (iswis)
if youre fine with being a sheep unfollow me. (iswis)
seven deadly sins is not a good anime. (iswis)
there is a difference between boku no hero academia fans based on if they call it "bnha" or "mha". (iswis)
ships literally are not serious stop harassing people over ships. (iswis)
do not harass creators of series because they do something with THEIR story. make your own. (iswis)
stop saying horikoshi sexualizes his women too much/mineta is the worst when you guys enjoy shows like one piece, hunter x hunter, naruto and etc. (iswis)
minors often or not are sheeps (heres your sign you dont have to agree with everything other people say). (iswis)
just because minors can be mature doesnt mean that they are adults. stop treating them as such. (iswis)
we should give more voice actors in the asmr (idk what to call it) community more recognition instead of just one. (iswis)
writers are the ones that send hate to other writers. anon hate is so corny and if you do it that goes to show that you are truly a toxic person wearing a fake mask of kindness when youre not on anonymous. (iswis)
stop being mean to smaller writers because they did not have as much luck as you. (iswis)
stop blaming your readers because one story flopped. (iswis)
ignoring someone's shitty actions encourages them to do it more. (iswis)
going to school and getting a job is much harder now than it was before. (iswis)
being an adult doesnt automatically make you mature. just because youre older doesnt mean youre better or you opinion is more valuable. it just shows that you werent heard when you were younger. (iswis)
there should be no reason as to why someone of the age of 18 should be having any romantic relationship with someone who is a minor. (iswis)
hawks is a shitty character. (iswis)
bakudeku isnt toxic. (iswis)
just because bakugo is in a ship, doesnt mean it's toxic. (iswis)
stop shipping male characters together simply because they have screen time together. it's creepy. (iswis)
almost all of 1-a students have ptsd and anything close to the after effects of being traumatized. (iswis)
no, editing characters to be poc is not racist. youre just mad they arent "white" when they never were. theyre asian and come in many colors as well. (iswis)
wanting to only be with a different race to get a mixed baby is fucking disgusting. (iswis)
stop ignoring pedo relationships between older women and younger boys and or with older women in general. (iswis)
males can be abused, stop telling them to suck it up or that they cant go through things. (iswis)
shaming young females about things they cant control is misogynistic and is damaging to their identity and shouldnt be excused. (iswis + whe)
not all females have to shave. (iswis)
what you dont like in someone is the projections you see of yourself on other people that you dont like about yourself. (whe)
popular bl stories extremely misrepresent gay relationships and frankly it's disgusting that theyre boosted as much as they are. (iswis)
jjba isnt ugly, you just watch animes to sexualize the characters. (iswis)
it's shitty that anime and kpop only became cool once white people stated to like it and made it mainstream. go gatekeep family guy or something. (iswis)
if you have been anime fan for a long time you were with bullied/teased for just generally liking it or you were a weirdo who recreated shit from it. (iswis)
weaboo and weeb were bad terms till we made them positive?? literally otaku is the word for it but we use weeb instead lol. (whe)
normalize and promote educating someone without going straight to bullying them. (whe)
haikyuu isnt really a good manga/anime nor is the art style the best but the characters make up for it. (iswis)
stop misusing terms and stop nitpicking definitions to manipulate your narrative. (iswis)
toxic positivity is manipulative and if you have to make it back handed you are not as nice as you like to make it seem. (iswis)
studying a major doesnt mean youre actually good in the subject. (iswis)
normalize people realizing their past mistakes and growing from it. (iswis)
do not self diagnos unless you actually feel like you may have that issue and would like to seek help. mental health is not a personality trait. (iswis)
stop projecting onto people. (iswis)
stop misusing terms and stop nitpicking definitions to fit your narrative. (iswis)
stealing any type of work should not be tolerated. (iswis)
constantly trying to trigger someone to go back to their old ways (being toxic, abusive, addiction, suicidal etc) after changing is toxic and manipulative. (iswis)
if you make jokes about hurting kids and or feel the need speak badly about them i do not want to speak to you. (iswis)
the human brain wasnt developed to understand complex ideas such as death or the universe. (iswis)
we will never truly know what is beyond our skies. (iswis)
thats all, thanks for sifting!
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You & Me : chapter 34
A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA
Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS
CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33
NOTES:
-one chapter is her pov, the next is his.
-4.1k
-im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it.
-there WILL be smut. but not only smut.
-this is a romance, comedy, smut story.
-for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.
- notes: okay sooo idk how i feel about the chapter BUT! i added a link with pictures of the characters and it took me over 2 hours to do that so if you could comment or at least look at it, it would mean a lot to me! (scroll down for the link, you cant miss it)
if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)
requests! : two but its pretty much the same thing :) i mean he doesnt get ‘angry’ tho but i hope its still what you wanted :)
TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE
Chapter 34 : Her chapter
OLIVIA
March 30th, 2018
I had no idea who Niall had invited but before we walked in the bar, I moved closer to him and got up on my tiptoe to look in his eyes, both of us now hidden by his cap. His lips curled as his eyes roamed on my face and I pressed my lips together. I was a bit stressed to meet some people from school after so long but if I wanted to be honest, being away from the crowds and the paps seemed like amazing time off to me and I was pretty sure Niall felt the same.
"No kissing, no hold hands, no cuddles." I pointed out with a grimace. "It's gonna be a long evening."
"Okay, first off, you can cuddle me, they're used to it. Second of, can I remind you that it's your rule? If you want, we can definitely tell them we're together but keeping low profile." he pointed out, raising his eyebrows as he waited for my answer.
I wanted to. I really fucking wanted to, and I could feel my heartbeats accelerate the longer we looked at each other. I licked my lips and smiled before shaking my head. I couldn't make a decision and it was driving me insane.
"We'll just... see how it goes." I finally let out before sighing and getting back down on my feet.
"I'll follow your lead, petal."
His words made my lips curl and I nodded slowly before he turned around and walked in. It felt amazing to know I had my say in all of this. A lot of times, when we were dating and even before, I felt like Niall lead me the way he thought was right and I just followed without a word. Perhaps, he had matured, or maybe he was always like that but he just took the lead because I didn't. Either way, it was refreshing and it made me feel important.
I followed him inside and a familiar face seemed to illuminate in the back of the bar. The smell reminded me of my teenage years and somehow, I suddenly relaxed despite the people I had just noticed.
"Zara?" I let out with a frown before Niall bent closer to me.
"I called her, thought you may want to see her." he whispered before walking closer to the table.
"Olivia!"
Zara jumped out of her chair and ran to me, wrapping her arms around my neck so tight I could barely breathe anymore. She started jumping quickly up and down, bringing me in her wave and I laughed as I hugged her back. Despite everything that had happened to me in my childhood and teenage years, Zara was the only one I trusted completely besides Niall. I had a few friends and we all hung out together but Zara was the one I was the closest to, the one I told almost everything to, except maybe the fact that I had always been in love with Niall. That, I hadn't told anyone and even now, I wondered how the hell I succeeded to keep that secret to myself for two decades.
"I haven't seen you in so long!" she added, hugging me even tighter before her embrace loosened and she pulled away to look in my eyes. "Still can't believe you followed that eejit to London. Why?"
She was very expressive and the facial expression she was sending me made me laugh.
"You know me, can't be away from his dumb face for too long."
Her lips curled into an amused smile and she pulled me to the bar, ordering beers before tilting her head and staring at me some more. I frowned and waited, knowing that a question was coming.
"You two dated a few years ago yea?" she raised her eyebrows as I nodded. "Okay now let's talk about the real shit. How does he fuck?"
My eyes got bigger and I chuckled, shaking my head. "Z!"
"No no, hear me out!" she continued, bending down closer to me. "Remember when Michelle, Lisa, Megan and I would get mad at you for ditching us for him?" she let out with a chin movement towards Niall.
I couldn't help but glance at him. He was sitting with a few people I recognized but I just licked my lips and turned back to my friend, shaking my head. "I didn't dit-"
"Oh you did. All the time." she cut me, making me raise my nose up in a grimace. "Well we always spent at least half an hour talking about you two and with the years, the conversations became... you know. I mean he grew up and," she paused and leaned back to take a look at him before looking back at me. "He's... he's hot."
I started laughing, shaking my head slightly at her enthusiasm.
"Niall was always hot." I pointed out, making her roll her eyes.
"You... it's different. I mean, I know you always said you didn't have feelings for him but girl, I know you better than that." she explained, making my heart literally stop beating. "Anyway, that's beside the point. So we did talk about the size of his cock and the way he fucked and we all had theories. I think it's time you reveal the truth."
"Forget it." I laughed, shaking my head.
"Why does it matter, you two broke up a million years ago!" her face suddenly changed and her lips parted as she moved closer. "You whore, you’re still dating him?"
"Zara!"
She raised both of her hands up and closed her eyes. "Alright alright, none of my business." she chuckled, opening her eyes again, her smile turning into a fond one. "I really hope for you, though. I know how much you love him. I can see it in your eyes."
I held my breath as she grabbed two beers, letting me take the two others and we walked slowly to the table.
"Don't be surprised okay? Ava is here. I know she's not your fave person but just pretend she's funny. Or interesting. Or ignore her, that's what I do."
I laughed again but my heart dropped in my chest when I noticed Ava, leaning against Niall as they were both laughing. I started thinking about that time I caught him masturbating in his room when he was 13, and how a few years later, he had admitted he was jerking off thinking about her. The whole thing made me swallow hard and I held the mugs tighter in my hands before placing them on the table. Most people looked up and when I noticed Rian, my eyes got bigger and I chuckled low.
"Wow, hey! What are you doing here?"
He got up and kissed my cheeks gently as I did the same before shaking my head. The last time I had seen Rian was when Niall and I went ice skating together when we were dating. Niall had shown a bit of jealousy back then and even if I knew I shouldn't, i really liked it. Of course, I had dated Rian for a few months and he was the first guy I ever slept with, but Niall seemed to forget that the reason I gave in to Rian after so many years was because he had lost his virginity to someone who wasn't me. It had hurt me so much that just thinking about it made it impossible not to swallow the lump in my throat.
"He's coming to visit me." Ava said, her hand on Niall's thigh to hold herself as she moved closer to me. "We have a thing going on."
Rian rolled his eyes with a smile and shook his head slightly before shrugging. "Just trying to see if it could work." he explained before talking lower. "I'm not moving back here though, there's no way."
I let out a louder laugh and nodded. "Yea, I'm not moving back here either."
The truth was, I didn't want to move back here mostly because I didn't really know anyone anymore. My parents were back in France, many of my friends had moved away and Niall... well, Niall was the person I wanted to follow. Or more, Niall was the person I wanted to be with. I didn't have to follow him, like he said. We could just take decisions together.
"Come on, petal, sit down."
Niall's voice reached my ear and I smiled, sitting next to him as he squirmed a bit on his chair to move forward, leaning his arms on the table and getting away from Ava's touch. I felt suddenly relieved and he sent me a smile. I felt his knee hit gently against mine under the table and my lips curled more.
"So what's up between you two?" Rian asked after sitting next to me. "Last time I saw you, you were together, then we all read in extremely reliable online articles that you two split and Niall was dating that actress or singer? What's her face? And Liv was getting married to an hollywood actor. This is some crazy shit, mates."
"I'm... not dating Heidi anymore." Niall pointed out, pressing his lips together in an awkward smile.
"And I called the wedding off and broke up with Dylan."
Everyone stared at us and Zara chuckled slightly after half a minute, shaking her head. "Wow. You guys need more drinks."
We started drinking and talking and after a few hours, I was starting to be tipsy. I walked to the bar to get more pints and while waiting, I leaned on the counter to stare at Niall. He was laughing with our old friends and I was suddenly thrown back to when we were younger and would hang out all together. I could pretend life was easy back then but it would be a lie. I had to admit, though, that everything changed when Niall left, and I do mean everything.
My lips curled on the left when I watched him throw his head back. I could hear his laughter even from where I was and something jumped inside me at the sight. I already knew, but once again, it hit me how much I loved him and how i'd never be over him. I didn't want to be over him anyway. I wanted to be with him.
"Having a good time?"
I raised my eyebrows in surprise before turning to the voice with a smile before looking at Niall again and finally putting my attention back on Rian.
"Mmhm, and you?"
I was getting so tipsy that I had a hard time hiding my attraction for Niall. I knew my eyes were probably betraying me but I was at that point where I didn't give a fuck anymore. A few more people we knew had joined us and we were all getting a bit drunk but when I turned around and smiled to Rian again, I noticed he was way past that stage. He sent me a small smirk and bent down closer, making me move back instinctively.
"You know you were my first fuck." he pointed out, making me chuckle low.
"Yea you were my first fuck too."
"You ever wonder what it would feel like more than a decade later?" he whispered after bending down more.
My lips parted and I glanced at him, standing up and shaking my head. "Honestly, no."
"Come on." he slurred as I pressed my lips together. "Just one time. I never really understood why you broke up with me, y'know?"
I looked up at him, feeling uneasy, and swallowed hard. I didn't want to cause a scene and I knew he was drunk but at the same time, I had no fucking idea what he was thinking at that exact moment. I knew he thought I was single, which I was... sort of, but I had the feeling he would insist even if I was officially taken.
"I just didn't have those feelings for you, that's why." I pointed out.
It was true and at the same time, it was also because I couldn't take Niall out of my mind. I felt his arm slither around my waist and pushed him away gently but firmly, raising my eyebrows at him.
"Two things. One, you're drunk and two, I'm not interested. It's been years, Rian, we both moved on." I pointed out. "Besides, aren't you with Ava now?"
"Ava and I have an agreement. Until we're official, we can fuck whoever we want. That's why she's all over your ex boyfriend."
My lips parted again and my heartbeats accelerated. I turned to look at Niall but for some reason, he had switched seat with me, leaving a free chair between him and Ava and I sighed of relief without thinking.
"That's why you said no to me for so long before agreeing to date me, right? That's also why you broke up with me isn't it?"
I turned back to him, noticing he had moved closer again. "What?"
"Him. Him and his fucking stupid angel face. You've always wanted him and he never fucking wanted you. The only time he dated you he fucking left you to be a famous little shit and now you're still looking at him like he's some sort of god."
"Shut up, you're pissed." I said low enough, getting suddenly angry.
"Still. You know i'm right." he added, sending me a small smile. "Come on, I'll make you cum so hard."
I felt Rian's hand on my breasts and this time, I pushed him harder as my heart seemed to stop.
"I said no!"
I felt my whole body on fire as I stared at him but he moved closer and grabbed the back of my head, pulling me against him to kiss me. This time, I started hitting his chest hard to push him away and I heard a chair scratch against the wood floor before falling down. It took about half a second for Niall to be between Rian and I, pushing him hard enough to make him back away a few feet.
"She said no."
"Oh yea, mister perfect is there again to save the day!" Rian let out a bit too loud in a sarcastic tone. "Same as you were back then. Always there to be the perfect 'best friend'." he laughed, doing quotation marks with his fingers on the last two words.
"Rian, don't go too far." Niall only replied, shaking his head slightly.
"She's not yours, anymore, Horan! So let it go!"
"I'm afraid I can't do that."
I took a step back, surprised by how well Niall could keep calm and glanced at our table to see all of our friends watching the show. It was not really how I imagined my night.
"You're a fuckin' asshole and I've always hated you, ya know that?"
"I'm very aware." Niall sighed. "But she said she was not interested, so keep your feckin' hands in your pockets."
"Or what?" Rian yelled, this time. "Or WHAT?"
"Rian, stop!"
We all turned to Ava who was frowning and Rian scoffed, shaking his head. "You stay out of this." he turned to Niall. "And you!" he grabbed him by his shirt and my heart sank in my chest as I moved closer, grabbing Rian's arm and trying to push him back.
"Please, stop!" I let out, suddenly panicked.
Niall didn't send me a glance and kept looking at Rian, "Liv, move back. Please Liv."
It took me a few seconds and I did as he asked just when Rian started talking again.
"She's not your girlfriend." he repeated. "So mind your own fuckin' business!"
"But I still love her." Niall admitted louder, making my lips part and my whole body throb. "I'm still in love with her. And I'm not gonna let you touch her, not without her consent."
Everything happened a bit too fast for me to react and I barely saw Rian let go of Niall to throw his fist at him. Gladly, he was totally hammered and Niall easily dodged his hit before throwing his own first on Rian's jaw. My eyes got bigger as Rian fell on the floor and I finally closed them, bringing both my hands on my face.
"MATES!"
I remained motionless, eyes closed and silent, until I felt someone pull me out and I only opened my eyes again when I felt the fresh air hit the skin of my face. It was a bit cold and I shivered, bringing my arms around myself before I felt someone wrap theirs around me from behind.
"Hey, you okay?" I didn't have to hear his voice, I immediately recognized Niall from the way he was touching me, and the way he smelled. God he smelled amazing. "I'm sorry about all this."
I shook my head and sighed. "Let's leave, okay?"
I noticed Ava and two other guys try to put Rian on the backseat of a car and Zara quickly ran to me, raising her nose up and placing her hand on my arm.
"Are you okay?" she asked softly, tilting her head, before I nodded. "I'll message you, okay? And if you invite me to Cali, I'd love to visit!"
I chuckled and nodded. "We can definitely plan that."
She glanced up at Niall and tried to stop a smirk from gracing her face without much success.
"Have fun you two." she just chuckled. "I'm rooting for you."
I laughed and closed my eyes again, a bit embarrassed but quickly, Niall moved away and reached for my fingers. I let him take my hand in his and we walked in silence. I knew where he was taking me but I didn't mention it and when we sat in the grass, I moved my legs over his thighs and felt his hand on mine, warming me. It was cold and I knew we wouldn't last too long outside but I enjoyed being close to him in silence. It took at least 20 minutes for Niall to talk again and hearing his voice made something stir in my stomach.
"I'm sorry." he said in a low tone, looking down at his hand on my thigh as he gently brushed his fingertips on my pants. "I don't know why I did that. But he had his hand on your breasts and I suddenly wanted to kill him."
I stared at him for a few seconds without talking and waiting for him to look up but he didn't. I pressed my lips together and placed my hand over his, grabbing his fingers and squeezing them.
"Thank you for defending me." I just replied, making him nod slightly. "You were so laid-back, I didn't expect you to throw your fist at him. You don't need to apologize."
He looked up at me and sent me a fond smile as I bit my bottom lip. Slowly, I moved closer and kissed him gently. I could feel my head spinning from all the alcohol in my body and when he deepened the kiss, I felt my eyes flutter behind my eyelids.
"I'm sorry." I whispered against his mouth. "I should have told our friends we were together. It would have spared a few problems."
"Not your fault. It's entirely his fault. He shouldn't have touched you after you said no, whether you were taken or not. He's an asshole and he deserved a good punch. I'm just happy I'm the one who gave him." he confessed, making me chuckle. "I can't believe he did that."
"Well he was seeing the way I was looking at you apparently. And he probably saw how Ava was all over you, too. Must have been hard for him to be rejected twice in the same night. I've rejected him a lot, too."
"Still not an excuse." Niall whispered, kissing my lips very gently.
"I know."
"Don't defend him, he's an arsehole."
"I know."
We remained silent again as we kissed some more. I felt his hand move up on me and slip between my thighs, the side of one of his fingers pressing on my pussy. I whimpered very low and chuckled.
"It's way too cold to fuck here."
"I know." he groaned. "I just can't believe we have to sleep at my mom's. Every single time we come visit you don't want to let me fuck you."
The way he pouted and his childish tone made a laugh boom out of me and I finally leaned my forehead against his and brought my hand to his cheek.
"I'll let you tomorrow morning, but only if you agree to do something tonight that I've always wanted to do."
He frowned and pulled away to stare at me suspiciously. "I want to ask if I'll regret it but if you let me cum inside you tomorrow then I'm ready for anything."
I laughed again and kissed him with a smile. It felt so great to be wanted even if most of the time, It also felt surreal. We walked back to his mom's and it was extremely late when he tried to find the right keys to walk inside before realizing the door was not locked. We both laughed as we walked inside, and it made me realize we were both still quite tipsy. We walked slowly, trying to remain silent without much success and when he bumped into the table, we both laughed. He pulled me closer and started kissing me hard, sticking his tongue on my mouth only to turn me on, I suspected. His normal taste was altered with the taste of beer but I loved it and I moaned low in his mouth. I couldn't remember how we ended up on the roof but I stared up at the sky, tilting my head with a smile.
"That's really all you wanted?" he asked after a while. "Watch the stars like we used to do on the roof of your house?"
I kept looking up at the indigo sky and pressed my lips together before licking them.
"We used to do that all the time, just you and I, and I remember wishing you would kiss me every single time. That's why we're here. I want to kiss you while we watch the stars together."
Niall chuckled low. "You're so cheesy. I blame you for my romantic side."
I turned to send him a big smile. "You're welcome."
His lips curled into a fond and loving grin and I bit my bottom lip.
"I will kiss you anywhere you want. Any time you want. For any reason you can think of, or for no reason at all except that I love you."
I felt my heart melt in my chest and breathed in, trying to keep my tears in. He was leaning on his side to look at me, holding himself with one of his elbows and arms, and suddenly, I could see the adorable 14 year old he used to be, with his blonde hair and his crooked teeth. I felt my heart swell and my eyes watered, letting a tear fall on one of my cheeks as I sniffed. Was I really going to push away this man out of fear? Was that a good way to live life anyway? To stop myself from being happy in fear of being hurt again? It was ridiculous.
"We will be together, Niall."
He frowned slightly and moved his upper body closer. "What?"
"If you still want of me..." I repeated before breathing in deeply. "if you still want to be with me.. really be with me. Officially. It will happen."
"I'll always want that Olivia." he simply replied but I could hear surprise and happiness in his voice and when I looked up at him, his eyes seemed to sparkle. They shined even more than they did at the bar when he was drunk and it made my heart jump in my chest. Perhaps, it was only the reflection of the lights of the streets, or maybe I was hallucinating it... but I didn't think so. He seemed genuinely excited by my words.
"I just need more time. But it will happen." I explained more. "I'll never be able to live without you anyway. And I don't want to. I don't want to live without you, Niall."
His lips curled into the biggest smile and he chuckled, moving closer and sliding his hand behind my head. I could feel his fingers sink in my hair as he pulled me closer.
"Best news of the day. It beats everything else." he let out low. "Now, I'm going to kiss you beneath the stars until you're too tired to keep your eyes open."
#niall horan#niall horan smut#niall horan fluff#niall horan story#niall horan writing#niall horan fanfic#niall horan fan fic#niall horan fanfiction#niall horan fan fiction#my fanfics#yam
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hi im back with another fic >< but it’s eunhae’s uwu. read this while listening to raining spell for love to experience more angst ;;-;; enjoy my first eunhae’s fic and my first angst fic!
listen to raining spell for love :
https://open.spotify.com/track/7j4r8X575ZnyWk0jkukNp7?si=irOj7OmgRFynzGCaL754dg
It's been so wrong. Hyukjae always feels it so wrong. But he did loving him. He's already falling deep. But now it cant be anymore. This is impossible. He shouldn’t have loved him from the start. He knew he's always been wrong for having this feeling. He knew it will break himself someday. He knew he will be in this state of the worst heartbreak ever. But how can he (un)love this angel? He had already fallen. Fallen for him too deep.The fact he's been in love for his one and only best friend is already hurting. The one who's been always with him from his early days until now. But now, he's shattered.
Hyukjae and donghae still been friends till now. 20 years old friendship. They had been known each other since their middle school days. it’s been so long. They went through a lot till today. They overcome all of their problems together and they depend on each other a lot. Everyone will say they have their unique friendship. They always been so close and too many things that only of them understand. They’re just too close. They had many similarities in their own way. People said that it’s too much similarities for them to have and their chemistry is so unbelievably amazing. It’s like they are naturally meant for each other. Just like a pair of shoes.
It’s so natural and a common thing to say they always crash at each other’s houses. That was before eunhyuk moved back to the dorm. back then donghae always comes to eunhyuk’s apartment almost everyday. and vice versa. but it mostly donghae who asked to come or donghae just comes to eunhyuk’s without notice. They always been like this. Donghae who likes skinships a lot while eunhyuk just lets donghae do whatever to him. Maybe some people will think that their moments are just fanservice but thats just how they are. they’re just being the way they are.
They always rely on each other a lot actually. They almost didnt keep a secret between each other. they knew each other too well more than any other members. They even knew each other’s individual schedule or events. like who who will eunhyuk meet after this, or what will donghae do tomorrow, those kind of stuffs. every lil things they did, they always knew for each other. they are just unbelievably close.
But who knows, one of them is really falling. It’s too much for him to receive these affections alone. He always keeps it cool but deep inside he might explode. It's already long enough for hyukjae to love him since then. The way he keeps hiding his feelings for himself. Not telling anyone about it. Imagine hiding this stupid feeling alone for the closest person in this fucking world. He did suffering for himself. He always keeps it for himself. He didnt want to ruin this freaking long friendship just because of this dumb feeling. Donghae loves skinships so much. Like soooo much. He always touchs hyukjae unconsciously. At first, hyukjae always gets used to it when donghae did sudden hugs or held his hand. He already gets used to it. it’s been 20 years ofcourse he must get used to it. Donghae is indeed a clingy person so he always clings into hyukjae unconsciously like a habit. That’s a problem actually. Hyukjae actually didnt mind it at all when donghae being such a clingy ass but sometimes he cant handle that.
Actually there’s one time he cant handle it. That time when they did a comeback for D&E, they did a blueroom live. Then they talked about their nicknames for each other. When they talked abt donghae’s nickname “haeknojam” then donghae starts to kiss hyukjae’s hand suddenly while laughing like an idiot and he did it twice! in a fucking live broadcast. Hyukjae always keeps his cool and just lets donghae did it. he just said “Aniyoo” for times responding to donghae. That time actually, his heart almost explode. He thought why he did these in a live broadcast. and why did he kiss hyukjae’s hand? hyukjae still cant figure it why he did it. that time after filming, donghae just acts like nothing happened. but hyukjae deep inside was flustered as hell but of course he acts like usual. Being playful and stuffs. Donghae just being himself too, being random and stuffs. Donghae always like this. It’s just hyukjae who’s been dazed and confused all the time. That time hyukjae tried so hard to calm his self down by jumping and dancing all the time. When donghae comes to ask,
“Hyukjae-ya, why are you practicing at this time, our schedule just ended right?”
“O-Oh i just wanna get myself sweaty,, i feel like my body stiffen, so yeah i keep practicing”
“Yeokshi uri d&e leader. dont push yourself too hard. promise me you will rest after this, okay?” he handed hyukjae a towel and circling it into his neck while then keep wiping his sweat in hyukjae’s cheeks with that towel
“u-uhm of course. thanks”
“youre welcome always, my E oppa~~ chat me when you arrive at the dorm okay? lets go home” replied him while smiling
“okay i will...”
then donghae went to the car and went home. hyukjae feels his knees are gone then he sat on the floor.
“why he keeps confusing me...... sigh”
day after day of their promotions went well. At the end of the promotions, donghae was not like his usual self. It’s not he completely different person but he’s less clingy. and he often checks his phone and sometimes smiling while looking at his phone. Hyukjae thought maybe donghae looked at some funny things on his insta but thats just weird because he’s being too often looking at the phone. then he often picks up his phone outside it’s like he hides something from hyukjae. It’s not usual for him to do that. He always picks up his calls in front of hyukjae but not right now. It’s been weeks he did that, but actually hyukjae didnt care at all. Maybe he had something that is really his privacy. so he didnt think about it too much. But, day by day passed and it’s been 1 month already. He still being like that. When hyukjae came to his apartment, actually donghae asked him to come but donghae keeps being on the phone. It’s not the real hyukjae if he hadnt been curious. He was curious as hell. At first he keeps resisting himself not to be curious but maybe he cant after all. When hyukjae prepared the food he bought for donghae, donghae suddenly put his phone and went to shower. Hyukjae hesitated at first but he didnt care so he went quick to the table and looked at donghae’s phone. He enters the passwords (actually he knew it because donghae already told him when they went to a drive together, donghae cant open the phone because he focused on driving so he asked hyukjae to reply his mother’s message) and checked his kakao and insta. then he found one person other than him and his family in his pinned chats in his kakao. Then he opened the messages.
Hyukjae never been so speechless before, it’s the first time. It turned out that person is donghae’s lover. He looked at those sweet messages and actually this saturday is their 3 months. they talked about how they can meet at saturday. it’s not just how his heart breaks in pieces. the fact he didnt tell him about it at all. and it’s been 3 months. how... hyukjae thought maybe if donghae told him, he can be prepared at anytime...
“i thought we keep no secrets... but this is actually my fault too. i did have secret. so i deserved this.”
“but it hurts like hell what the fuck....” then hyukjae put donghae’s phone back to its place. and tears keep falling without hyukjae realized himself. then he took his bag and left the food prepared for donghae. He left the house and cried on the way to the dorm. Hyukjae left a message to donghae via kakao.
Donghae who came out the bathroom after showering, becomes flustered.
“Hyukjae ya, how’s the food is it good?”
no answer,,
“Hyukjae, where-”
then he got notif from hyukjae
“sorry i left first, i have something to do. I already prepared the tteokbokki. Have a good meal”
Donghae was so confused but he ate the tteokbokki anyway. he still didnt feel something strange..
few days after that, super junior have a schedule together for an interview. It’s so obvious that hyukjae tried so hard to avoid donghae at all cost. He distants himself from donghae and avoid donghae’s affections. He tries to keep it cool and still jokes around to the members. but he only avoids donghae. when donghae tries to talk to hyukjae after the interview ends, hyukjae keeps telling him he must go home. then donghae holds hyukjae’s hand
“Lee hyukjae, whats wrong with you? you’re obviously avoiding me? did i do something wrong?”
“N-no at all. you’re just touching me too much.”
“but i always did these to you,and you’re okay with that”
“yes but right now it’s not. okay good bye i must go right now. let go”
“just tell me why... please...”
“you didnt need to know”
then hyukjae pulls his hand harder and finally donghae let him go. donghae becomes frustrated himself.
Leeteuk who saw this on the back feels there’s something wrong with these two...
Hyukjae becomes so distant from donghae day by day, but no one notices it. it’s just donghae who feels something wrong but hyukjae will never tell him why. the members didnt feel it weird either because the atmosphere while being together as full members still feel lively. It didnt sound wrong at all. but only leeteuk who feels something weird. leeteuk who sees them quietly when in a dressing room, donghae didnt talk to hyukjae at all. hyukjae too, he didnt intend to talk to donghae at all. hyukjae always talks to kyuhyun or yesung in their leisure time. and donghae who hangs out with siwon all the time. it feels natural. but it feels weird too. then leeteuk asks donghae to come outside...
“Hey whats wrong?” leeteuk asks
“Me? im fine? why hyung asks that?”
“hyukjae. seems like you both not in a good terms recently”
“oh that. i dont know either”
“ask him then what you did wrong”
“i have. but he said i didnt need to know?! he’s weird as fuck. how can i know what i did wrong while he’s being childish like that”
“hmmm, maybe you hide something and he did feeling betrayed or stuff? it may happen. those things always happen right for us”
“ah... maybe i know.....”
then donghae rushed to hyukjae.
“we need to talk”
“there’s nothing to talk about”
“hyukjae please.”
“let me go”
“lee hyukjae... please”
“fine. i’ll give you 5 minutes”
“you saw my phone right?”
“thats- yeah i didnt mean to but yes i saw that you actually had a lover”
“thats why you’re mad?”
“yes? ofcourse? i feel betrayed you didnt tell me at all. i thought we’re close enough to tell about those kinda stuffs” (actually there’s not the only reason donghaeya.....)
“im about to tell you that night actually.. sorry for not telling you, im afraid that youre uncomfortable with this... pls forgive me okay”
“i-im okay for those kinda stuffs. im happy for u bro actually. but it’s just i feel sad you didnt tell me..”
“ so you forgive me?”
“hm maybe?” hyukjae still feels uncomfortable with this, its like he didnt want to see this fucking handsome angelic face in front of him anymore
then donghae becomes so happy and hugs him rightaway. hyukjae quickly tries to let go of him.
“alright alright, let me go. lets just go home okay” donghae smiled happily after he heard he already been forgiven. but hyukjae still pretending. he pretends that it’s all okay for donghae for having a lover. but he’s not okay at all.
hyukjae forgives him but he cant face him actually and pretends to be fine all the time. everytime he meets donghae, he just feels uncomfortable. it didnt feel the same. hyukjae cant see him the same as before. hyukjae still keeps his cool and lets donghae did his skinships to him freely but deeply inside he is hurting. one day, he went to the building’s rooftop to get some fresh air in the middle of their schedule. Leeteuk suddenly comes to him.
“hyukjae ya....”
“oh whats wrong hyung?”
leeteuk doesnt say a word but immediately hugs him and pats his hair.
“i know it’s been hard”
hyukjae is flustered why he did this...
“hard? what do you mean hyung? hahaha”
“you loved him, am i right?”
“him?”
“eish stop pretending to be fine. i knew you two fights few days ago then you told him it was because he didnt tell you about his lover, it’s not the only reason right?”
“so you knew......”
“jtub told me that donghae already had a lover, donghae didnt tell me at first haha then he admitted it himself after then.”
“oh right.”
“what will you do then after this?”
“i dont know.. i cant keep pretending all the time. it hurts me to see his face it’s like i wanna punch him”
“even you loved him you want to punch him? lol”
“yes i hate that idiot smile of his until i want to-”
“kiss him so bad?”
“HYUNG”
“okay okay hahaha im kidding”
“but... sometimes i think of that too but ofcourse i wont do it”
“he kissed your hand in a live broadcast why wont you?”
“no way i would kiss him first. its just me who had this feeling. he never feel the same, he just likes to play with me. its confusing”
then hyukjae silents for a bit
“hyung.. is it okay for me to go for a while? i kinda want to distract myself for a while”
“its okay hyukjaeya. i respect all of your decisions as long as youre happy with it”
“ehm, it hurts so much seeing him these days. he keeps calling with his lover while there is me there in his house. thats fucking hurts. i cant do this anymore hyung. it’s like i wanna punch him for real. i hate having this feeling from the start.. i-i- *sobs*” hyukjae cried in leeteuk’s embraces. he cried so hard that time.
“shussh shussh it’s okay hyukjae.. it’s a natural thing for us to fall in love. it’s not our fault to fall in love in the first place.”
“heuk- heuk- but i hate feeling this way. i hate myself” hyukjae still sobbing
after crying for so long, leeteuk’s shirt becomes so wet then leeteuk just laughs
“how can you hide those red eyes hahaha”
“right..... i dont know......”
“here i bring sunglasses lol just go home after this okay, so the members wont be suspicious haha”
“thank you so much hyung.... youre the best”
“nah its always been my job to babysit all of you. so where would you go?”
“Japan. Maybe next week”
“okay, take care hyukjae. i will call you then”
then one day, hyukjae comes to his usual bar to hang out with donghae. but he comes alone. he feels like he wants to drink until he passed out for the last time before he goes to japan. then there’s jtub (donghae’s friend who is a composer too) who hangs out alone too.
“Oh hyukjae, you come. Alone? where’s donghae?”
“nah i just feel like drinking alone”
“why?”
“i dont know i just want it”
then hyukjae really drinks a lot like A LOT. jtub tries to stop him but hyukjae insists he must drink more
“stop it or you will pass out here”
“i ddont fckin caree.. it issss m-my pplaaan annywway tto ssleep hhere until tomorrowww”
hyukjae lost it. he really lost it. he’s blabbering random sentences just now
“why.. wwhy sshould i llove that iddiot, i wanna kick hhis fckin handsome fface riight nnow,,,,, bastaard hhow you come to pplay wwith myy ffeelingg llike this,, itt hurtts sso mmuch i hhate yyou” then he sobs
“argghhhhhhh my head’‘ss sppinning”
jtub didnt know who he was talking about but right now he needs to call someone to bring this idiot to come home
“hyukjae you need to come home.. i’ll call donghae”
“NOO DDONT CCALL THHAT BASTTARD” he tried to take jtub’s phone but it failed because he cant control himself because of the alcohol
“ah... so he’s heartbroken....... eish i didnt know that hyukjae is falling for his best friend.. eish let them finish this problem themselves i should back out”
“nno ddont him ppleasse, or i will kick hhis fucckin facce when hhe comess llater” then he sobs and passed out in the long table near the barista
few minutes later, donghae comes in a rush.
“donghae ya here!” jtub calls
“oh my, what did you feed him huh?!?”
“wow slow man, he’s drinking and paying those bottles himself you know, i tried to stop him but he insisted to drink it until morning.”
“why’s he like this... he never been like this before...”
“you didnt know? why’s he like this? really?”
“uhm no, why? do you know?”
“try to figure it yourself then, its your problems anyway.”
“so he’s like this , because of me?!”
“spoiler : yes”
“oh man, why... okay then i’ll be going first”
donghae tries to wake up hyukjae but still didnt get a respon.
“Hyukjae-ya lets go home”
“ehmmm i want to sleep here”
“but it closes soon. you must go home. let me take you home eung?”
then hyukjae wakes up and see donghae who’s ready to pick him up
“oh it’s lee donghae!”
“yep it’s me. lets go home okay?”
“the way i wanna kick your face but i didnt have the strength right now, i’ll just kick you tomorrow”
“pardon? what?” donghae flustered and shocked
“right? it’s on you bro lol” jtub said
“okay okay lets just go home” donghae took hyukjae in his shoulders and caught him by the waist. then they both go to hyukjae’s dorm with donghae’s car
hyukjae falls asleep in the car. and keeps talkin in his sleep a bit
“lee donghae you bastard”
donghae is surprised and turns his head to passenger’s seat.
“The fuck?!”
then hyukjae sleeps again
“why’s he like this and why me?”
they finally arrived at hyukjae’s dorm and kyuhyun didnt come home so it’s just the two of them there. donghae hardly brings hyukjae to his room in his druk state.
“im glad that you’re this tiny, i can bring you home easily”
then donghae puts hyukjae to the bed and takes off his jacket, socks, and shoes. he wipes hyukjae’s forehead too with wet towel too.. hyukjae wakes up suddenly.
“stop being so kind to me” he stops donghae’s hand from wiping his forehead
“huh? why? im your closest friend it’s my job to take care of you idiot”
“i can take care of myself well. just go” hyukjae turns his head to the left side and puts the blanket covering his whole body.
“why do you like this?”
“its not ur business”
“hyukjae ya... tell me whats wrong”
“Us. we cant be like this”
“why? you’re my closest friend-”
“We’re not supposed to be like this donghae ya. we must not”
hyukjae wakes up and turns into donghae.
“We.... cant be like this donghaeya... we cant be....” hyukjae starts to cry
“hyukjae... why cant we... “
“why are you crying.. dont cry...“ donghae said again while carressing hyukjae’s tears with his thumb
“ *sobs* we- cant- be- like this... we just cant.....” hyukjae is still sobbing while talking
“tell me why, what should i do to stop you from crying please dont cry it hurts seeing you cry like this” donghae said softly
“you.”
“me? why?”
hyukjae still crying and doesnt want to answer..
“hyukjae tell me... please.. i dont wanna see you cry...”
hyukjae then holds donghae’s hand in his cheeks...
he looked at donghae’s eyes with those falling tears..
“you deserved to hate me forever.”
hyukjae leaned in to donghae’s face and pressed a soft kiss into his lips.
hyukjae pulls out and donghae is flustered and confused...
“h-hyukjae w-why-”
“leave me right now”
“b-but you have to tell-”
“leave or our friendship ends. leave please”
“hyukjae-ya.... “
“PLEASE LEAVE. *sobs* please...”
then donghae gets up from the bed and leaves hyukjae alone...
that’s it. that’s the end. hyukjae’s first love comes to an end. that angel is finally gone....
hyukjae cries in his bed so hard... the worst feeling ever. he hates himself more than anyone else. but he must end it. he must end this stupid feeling. the overflowing feelings he had for his best friend for years. he will stop loving him no matter what.
“Thankyou for making me feel loved although actually it’s just me who feel that way... im happy... thankyou...” then he’s still crying for so long in the middle of the night
meanwhile donghae is feeling so flustered and mad. he didnt know why he’s mad. the fact his best friend cried because of him.. hyukjae’s eyes that told him everything. hyukjae’s puppy eyes that only shines everytime suddenly covered by the rain. the hard rain that falls because of him. he never knew. he never realized.. he didnt want to believe it. but it’s just feel so real. his tears falls in his cheek when hyukjae kissed him... he never feels the saddest kiss ever... it hurts so much. he didnt knoe either why it hurts so much. it feels like hyukjae will leave him for real... he cant imagine how his life would be without hyukjae.. it will never be the same..
donghae still feels confused.... he didnt know what to do after this... or tomorrow, or days after this.... he just didnt know what to do...
the next day, hyukjae is already in the airport waiting for boarding to Tokyo. his eyes are completely red becuase of crying that night before. He decides to go there to heal and repair himself. he just needs time alone for a while. he didnt know when he will be back to work as super junior. he’s already takin care of all of these with the company, and the company said yes. it’s up to him when will he decide to come back....
“hyukjae-ya, already at the airport?”
“eung hyung, there’s still 15 minutes before boarding”
“okay then, take care hyukjae... and one thing what if he asked me where you go?”
“hm, dont tell him hyung, just say that i want to spend my time alone.”
“fine i’ll do that. eish that insensitive bastard haha i’ll kick his face for you someday”
“nah hyung just let him be it’s my fault anyway for loving him in the first place. it’s never been his fault”
“aigu my precious dongsaeng already grown up”
“eish hyung your precious dongsaeng here is 34 years old”
“youre still a big baby to me anyway..”
“thankyou hyung. i’ll call you often when im in tokyo”
“yes sir!”
“oh its time for boarding, im off hyung, bye bye!!”
“okay take care hyukjae ya, have a proper meals okay?”
“of courseee goodbye hyung”
hyukjae finally ends his phone call with leeteuk and walks in to the plane. finally he made up his mind and try to heal himself first.. he’s afraid that this feeling disrupt his works with him. so he must repair himself more to become a better person..
meanwhile donghae who didnt know anything at all,,
he worked out like crazy... he’s already working out since morning. and it’s already evening. he worked out and worked out.. he did everything in the gym. he’s like a mad person right now. he didnt pick up the calls from everyone.. even his lover too..
the instructors there feels worried because it’s not usual for donghae to act like this. then the instructors try to call jtub, donghae’s friend who’s been at the same gym with him.
actually jtub is very busy right now so he cant go there to save that idiot friend from overworking his body. then jtub called leeteuk because leeteuk already said to him if donghae acts weird, he’s free to call him.
leeteuk comes to donghae’s usual gym rightaway after finishing his schedule.
“eomma ya. it’s already 7pm. and he’s been working out since 7 am?!?”asks him to the one of the instructors
“yes sir. he’s been like this since morning. we’re too scared to disturb him because he seems not in his right mind”
leeteuk walks in slowly to donghae.
“donghae ya”
donghae still wont listen he still in his threadmill
“lee donghae please come down.”
“come on donghae you never been like this, you never disobeyed my orders. come on donghae please stop this. you makes yourself sick”
donghae finally stops the threadmill and come down.
he falls rightaway in the floor.
“donghae-ya are you okay? hey? donghaeya?”
“hyung... it’s my fault...” after that, donghae lost his consciousness
Donghae wakes up in his house with leeteuk who waits for him.
“Oh are you okay? do you hurt yourself?”
“no-no im okay hyung..”
“eish why did you work out like that? you know it can kill you. what if i didnt come? who will take care of you? oh my god this kid. how old are you huh? youre fuckin 34 please grow up” leeteuk keeps nagging while wipes donghae’s forehead
“sorry hyung...”
“promise me you wont do this again oh god”
donghae just nods... then he suddenly remembers something
“i need to meet hyukjae.. i need-”
“stop he wont meet you”
“even he doesnt want to, i keep going to meet him”
“what would you say then? ask him for an apologize for something you didnt realize?”
“hyung... so you knew..”
“of course. just stop it. you wont ever meet him right now. you just cant”
“no hyung i must-”
“he’s leaving. he’s not in south korea.”
“what..... are you serious?”
“yes”
“where did he go? i can go right now”
“no you cant, just let him alone donghae ya. okay? please listen to me, he’s hurting. you never knew how he feels. because you never feels it. what do you want to say to him? anything that you would say, it wont heal him. because it’s on you. you’re the source of his broken state. he will overcome this someday. just wait okay?”
“but.... it hurts so much.. i dont know it just hurts so much seeing him cry.. seeing him so weak like that night. i really want to embrace him but he keep pushing me off, he keeps crying and crying.... his trembling voice when he tried to talk to me hurts me so much... he’s never showing this side of him for these time being.. i just didnt know what to do... it hurts so much seeing him in that state, i want to see him so fuckin much... i just- ” then he cant say anymore.. he’s loss at speech... he’s crying...
“hyung... why im late to realize this.... why..... he’s already left what should i do.... im fuckin stupid... im so fucking dumb......”
donghae cries in leeteuk’s shoulder.. leeteuk cant say anything... he just pats donghae’s back softly.. “just wait for him okay.... he’ll be okay..”
donghae still cant figure out why he’s also breaking.... he just feels that his heart is shattered knowing these situations at once..
confused, flustered, and mad. he’s mad at himself...
“how can i never realize in these time being?”
part 1 end
#eunhae#eunhaefics#eunhaefic#eunhyuk#donghae#super junior#suju#juheartsfic#bxb#superjunior#super junior fanfiction
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hi! i took your quiz and got "i hear a symphony" and i'm curious about the other results, but taking the quiz repeatedly is a hassle. could you post them or something? idk man
if you’d like me to, then sure!! fair warning though, i can’t remember if i mentioned it in the results page but the rest are nowhere near as pretty and are mostly kindof silly stories and memories about weird things that have gotten me disproportionately emotional lol. either way, i’ll put them all under the cut :)
claire de lune (but specifically from the danganronpa v3 ost)
CONTEXT: i'm the type that can listen to a song on repeat for literal hours while drawing/writing but one time i listened to this for around 40 minutes while making a drv3 animatic and it ended up throwing me into an existential crisis so fuckin hard i started questioning what i was doing with my life and why i was drawing and i had to turn everything off and go to bed. what this says about you is up for interpretation. godspeed
fuyunohanashi - given
CONTEXT: the last few episodes of given were coming out when the 19-20 school year started and the episode with this song in it came out while i was in class. naturally, i sat there in my 7th period AP lang class and watched it on my phone. problem is, the scene when this song is played shatters me like 50 stacked panes of glass under a hydraulic press and i needed to cry but couldn't because the room was PIN-DROP SILENT. needless to say the moment class was over i made a run for it and cried like a little baby to my confused but ultimately supportive friends. you're a core high school memory and an Emotionally Taxing Bop and you remind me both of wintery cool tones and the silly school memories i wish i hadn't taken for granted. like a snow day except i'm from california so i've never had that sauce. i respect it regardless
everything she wants - wham
oh god the memories. this one was from when i was really head over heels obsessed w this dude and at my peak yearning hours i wrote a wattpad journal entry saying i was gonna listen to this song on repeat until i "fell out of love with him." i forget the details but i guess i did? what this says about you i have absolutely no idea but the song is still a whole vibe and you remind me of funky shades of pink and purple so i respect u immensely
unforgettable - natalie & nat king cole
this ones SUPER fuzzy in my brain but the weird nostalgia from my childhood combined with the weird movie end-credits vibes of this song make me forget that i'm a person when i'm listening. plus the weird calmness but sense of Oh God This Feels Like It Belongs At The End Of A Movie makes me feel like im about to get game-ended which is unnerving. probably the most subtle yet deeply cursed entry in this quiz. i see you
this side of paradise - coyote theory
CONTEXT: this song reminds me very specifically of a few of my comfort characters/ocs and when i heard it the first time it shattered me like glass (but in the good way). im telling you right now youre a BEAUTIFUL soul this is the one entry that's in here not because i was overwhelmingly sad but rather overwhelmingly Oh God Im So Fucking Soft And I Need To Cry About It For Twenty Minutes. anyways i care you thanks for quizzing
jet lag - nct 127
CONTEXT: last summer i got on a flight for the first time since i was a small child and i was STUPID scared but i listened to this during takeoff all 4 flights and let me tell you. did not help. the song itself is chill and you probably are too, but there's always a lingering sense of dread underneath i simply can't shake. do with all this information what you will.
verbatim - mother mother
i used to listen to this song to cheer up bc the lyrics are Haha Funny and it fucking bops but then i got evicted from my childhood home and it... stopped working. this breakdown is one of my core memories so congrats! ur one of the only motherfuckers in this joint that can handle me. if you take anything away from this know your vibes are IMMACULATE and i appreciate you
heaven - exo
CONTEXT: my synesthesia used to go absolutely bananas to this song bc its so YELLOW and the shapes that bounce around in my brain are very pleasant, but a few years ago i was writing fanfic and i wrote the scene where i killed off a character to this song on repeat for an hour and it has never been the same since. it's like when you look at something's surface and it looks pristine but you just Know there's something writhing underneath... but a less intense version of that feeling, because i know it's just the memory i tie to it that makes me feel this way and the yellow vibes cancel it out yknow
scrawny - wallows
this one's pretty short and stupid. i started thinking about a stupid anime boy that i thought had basically died while listening to this song and fuck bro. he really was a scrawny motherfucker w a cool hair style. cue the waterworks. but then after an entire day of on and off mourning i found out he turned out ok and stopped. no i will not elaborate on which boy i am holding onto my last shred of dignity here. what this says about you i'm not sure BUT youre probably cooler than me and your vibes are immaculate i know it in my heart
i hear a symphony - cody fry
this breakdown was yesterday! i was reccommended this song by a friend and immediately fell in love, but it didn't fully hit until the song's climax. and let me tell you. it BROKE me. the a capella beginning, with the piano slowly coming in, then the strings, and suddenly it's growing and crescendoing and-- there it is. my synesthesia goes wild and i lack the language to describe what it looks like other than absolutely grandiose and gold and christ i'm rambling but despite it's simplicity-- or maybe BECAUSE of its simplicity-- if love were a song, it'd be this one. almost all of the other entries are funny anecdotes where i seem to cry about the silliest things but this one i genuinely cannot come up with a joke for and i'm probably biased right now because i'm listening to it on repeat again but damn. you won. you're golden.
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2020-20 questions ;)
i was tagged by the very cool @neck-mole the amazing @thehoneyedhufflepuff and the lovely @milo-fanarts (hi babe ily)
1. Do you make your bed?
yes actually! every single morning when i wake up. its like a part of my routine now so if i don’t do it it makes me suuuuper uncomfortable.
2. Favorite number?
8! (my soccer number)
3. What’s your job?
mostly just babysitting but i do babysit for around 12 different families so :) i did just apply for an almost daily tutoring job but idk if i’ll get it my chances aren’t that good :(
4. If I could would I go back to school?
i’m in school right now and i cant WAIT to get tf out. i’m currently a high school junior and also a college freshman because of the program i’m in. if all goes well and i don’t die before i graduate, i hopefully will be graduating high school with my associates degree.
5. Can you parallel park?
LMAO
6. A job people would be surprised I had?
i was a paid intern at a real estate tech company for like a month last summer and honestly it was one of the coolest jobs i’ve ever had.
7. Do you think Aliens are real?
god i hope so
8. Can you drive a standard car?
yes! i actually bought my own car but currently its kinda broken rn :/ so im trying to save up enough money to fix it
9. What’s your guilty pleasure?
tiktok. oh god its so fucking stupid and funny and i literally love it. i don’t make anything tho
10. Tattoos?
as soon as i turn 18 babey!!!! my first one is gonna be on the inside of my wrist of a lil ocean scene for my nana, i want an octopus tattoo on my leg, i want a bookshelf tattoo, i want a tattoo of this skull and flowers thing that i designed myself when i was like 14, and then i want tattoo(s) for my top 3 favorite books/series (Carry On, Captive Prince, and the Raven Cycle)
11. Favorite color?
any conceivable combo of blue and green
12. Things people do that drive you crazy?
people who keep talking about things i’ve made clear i am uncomfortable/annoyed/upset talking about. its usually done by my family members whether they realize it or not
13. Any Phobias?
uhhhh no i don’t think so. except homoPHOBIA ahahhhahhaha what a great joke raegan
14. Favorite childhood sport?
soccer!!!! and its still my favorite!!!!!
15. Do you talk to yourself?
too much. literally all the time. i get into fights or i plan out fanfics or i pretend im tiktok famous or i rant or i literally just. be dumb.
16. What movie do you adore?
the breakfast club. its a very comforting and fun movie to watch.
17. Do you like doing puzzles?
ummmm its really hard for me to focus on shit like that so not really
18. Favorite type of music?
i would say my two main types of music are indie pop and emo. most of the artists i listen to fit into the indie pop style.
19. Tea or coffee?
tea!!!!! i love tea because it doesnt play games with my stomach like coffee does and i also have this insanely cool octopus mug that i got for my birthday and i love it SO much
20. The first thing you remember you wanted to be when you grew up?
a candy shop owner. or a dancer. either one.
okay legit a lot of people get tagged over and over again for these so ill just do some pals and then leave it open for whoever wants to!!!
@bazypitchandsimonsnow @luzain @lifeasafail @absolute-nightmare @cherrybaz @sarcasticsmolbean @lotus-of-light @hekissesme @snowbazzie @that-one-crazy-girl @crisps-and-curry @saridoodles @drinkitforfree
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