#im straight up going to have a meltdown when i get home tomorrow | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

simonsrosebud · 3 years

Note

maybe 3, 16, or 18 on the angst ones??? im in a mood

NOT CANON IN THE KALTON AU

it’s may when dalton breaks up with kevin.

it’s right before their practice of the year when kevin catches dalton’s call. he stops in the hall on the way to the lounge to answer it. “hey, what’s up? i’m about to go change out, but want me to come around after?”

“um, i think, maybe, it’s better if you don’t, kevin.”

and he frowns. “why, what’s wrong? are you okay?”

“i just, i’m going through some things right now, and i just think it’s better if i were to do it alone.”

“oh... well, you know i’m always here. just call me later?”

“kevin...”

kevin’s heart starts beating faster. “yeah?”

“i don’t just mean alone for a day.”

kevin leans back against the wall. “what... what do you mean?” he whispers.

“i mean alone as in, um... without a boyfriend.”

no. “dalton, whatever it is, i-i’ll do better, i promise.”

dan is the only other person at the stadium yet, and stops in the doorway to the girls locker room when she hears the conversation. she doesn’t want to pry, but if she’s right, and what’s about to happen really happens then she doesn’t want to leave kevin here alone.

“i’m sorry, kevin-“

“no, hey, please-“

“i-i gotta go.”

“dalton, please!” but the line is already dead, and kevin doesn’t mean to, but he drops his phone in the process of turning and pressing his forehead against the wall.

he tries holding everything in, but he can feel himself starting to panic, and when dan turns him around with a gentle “it’s okay” he nearly crumples because it’s not okay. he doesn’t know what’s going on.

dan drives him over to dalton’s apartment, and thank god kevin has a key, but when he gets inside it’s still and quiet. and the coffee maker is gone and the closet is open and near empty. the chargers next to the bed are gone and that’s when kevin drops to his knees and presses his hands to the floor because dalton up and left for the summer without warning.

he’s gone, and kevin can’t do anything about it.

he lets out a sob, followed by heavy breathing and a weight so deep in his chest that he can’t get up. his hands are shaking over his mouth, and his vision is blurry before he squeezes his eyes shut.

he takes a deep breath, but his exhale is a sob, and he leans forward with his arms around his stomach.

he can’t breathe.

dan comes to find him a few minutes later, and when she tries putting her arms around him he sounds like he’s in pain. she pulls him upright to lean on her instead. he clings like his life depends on it, hands clenched in the back of her t-shirt.

when she gets him up enough to get him back to the suite, she makes him promise he’ll be okay before making it to the stadium. she’s a little bit late for practice, and by the time she gets onto the court neil already started. it’s supposed to be a captains practice, so she gives him credit for taking over as vice captain.

“where’s kevin?”

“last minute appointment with betsy.”

neil nods. he knows better than to want to ask.

dan checks the time every ten minutes it feels. she needs this to be over.

meanwhile, kevin’s lying on the sofa, staring at the ceiling. a weight back in his chest and tears silently crawling from his eyes.

he just wants to feel numb.

he looks to the kitchen.

kevin drinks. he drinks so much that he throws up.

he wants to be numb, but it’s not working. which is why he drinks some more.

wymack comes by at the end of practice and calls dan over after watching everyone shuffle out. “kevin?”

she hesitates. “um, dalton broke up with him right before practice, and up and left for the summer before we could get to his place. he-he was a mess, coach, he could barely function. probably on the verge of a panic attack.”

and that peeks his attention in a different way that the first thing did, because he curses under his breath and turns. “you left him alone? at the tower?” she nods, and he curses again. “come on, fast, danielle!” she doesn’t usually see coach running for no reason, which makes her high tail it to his car.

wymaca rambles a bit on the way there. “every time i’ve seen that kid have a meltdown without dalton to rely on it was before they were together, and it always ended with alcohol.” his fingers tapped on the wheel. “i don’t fucking care if he breaks sobriety so long as he’s not dying of fucking alcohol poisoning right now. i know him. i know how much he loves that fucking kid. he can not be alone right now.”

and dan can’t tell if he’s seething or worried out of his mind, or both. but either way, she hasn’t seen him like this since neil went missing and kevin told them it probably wasn’t an accident.

womack has keys to all of their suite’s for emergencies, but kevin’s door is open. andrew and neil were straight on their way to columbia from practice, so he’s the only one there.

wymack bursts in, and kevin’s drunk out of his mind sitting on the floor against the cabinets. he shakes his head when he sees his father, and stands. dan doesn’t think he could make it across the room if he tried.

“m’fine, m’fine!” he leans back against the counter. “s’probably my fault, anyway.”

he reaches for a bottle of vodka on the counter, and when wymack beats him to it he tries grabbing it. “come on.”

“no-“

“please! dan, i-“

“no, kevin!” wymack is holding him back, a hand on his chest and the other around him to try and keep him still as he pushes against wymack.

“just don’t wanna feel!” kevin cries out. he goes limp against wymack and starts to crumble. “hurts so bad, i just- i just wanna be numb from it all.” his voice is weak, and he sinks to the ground. he covers an arm around his face. “please just take it away.” he begs. “please, please, help. i-i can’t, i can’t,” he sobs. dan drops beside him and pulls his head to her shoulder. “i love him so much,” he whispers. “i dunno what to do.”

she casts a pleading look to wymack, because all she knows to do is rub his back and try to shush him to calm down.

“hey, look at me.” wymack takes kevin’s chin, gently. dan backs off. “this is going to suck. but you’re going to get up tomorrow, and you’re going to call him up and demand an explanation. i don’t care if you have to fly to his house, dammit, you’ll do it. because after your mother left there wasn’t a day i didn’t regret not going after her, okay? cause look what she left me, kevin.” he raises an eyebrow. “you.” he sticks a finger to kevin’s chest.

kevin nods. “i want him so bad.”

“then you’ll go after him. whether it works out or not.”

kevin sleeps on wymack’s sofa that night.

and in the morning, he’s woken up by knocking on the door.

kevin’s head is pounding, but he already threw up everything he could last night.

he trudges to the door, but the person behind it makes him take a step back. he wants to jump forward and hug him, but it hurts him too much to actually want to go through with it.

“what are you doing here,” he whispers. he crosses his arms. he probably smells like alcohol and vomit.

dalton looks desperate, and he falters on what he wants to say, so kevin jumps in again. “can i just… can you just tell me what i did wrong?” he bites the inside of his cheek. he knows it’ll be easy getting him emotional what with just waking up. “i know i’ve got baggage, but just-just tell me why. cause i just woke up and i’m all torn up and hungover, so i-i just need to know. please.”

dalton frowns. “i… you promised you’d stop drinking-“

“and you promised you wouldn’t hurt me!” kevin’s voice cracks. “any other lies left to tell me?” and he takes a deep breath. “please, dalton, i just need to know why you’d fucking do this to me!” he messily wipes his eye with the cuff of his sleeve.

“you left without explanation, and-and i… i feel like i’m always going through something, but you’re the reason i’ve come out just fine! i just wanna be that for you, but instead you thought breaking up would be the better option? how-how do you think that makes me feel? to think that my boyfriend doesn’t think i can comfort him? that he’d rather be a-alone?” he’s starting to get worked up, and wipes his eyes again. he takes a deep breathe.

dalton has tears in his eyes. “i’m sorry,” he whispers. “i’m so, so, sorry. that wasn’t… i didn’t mean that. that’s not what i think, i didn’t mean to leave you thinking that. and,” he looks away for a second. “can i just explain? from the beginning? i-i want you, i don’t wanna ruin this, and i hope i haven’t already.”

you haven’t. i just want you.

but kevin lets him in. he doesn’t sit, but he at least lets him inside and closes the door. he’s sure his father is hiding out in his office or bedroom. he’s a light sleeper, and they weren’t exactly being quiet.

dalton starts. “um, my grandmother died yesterday morning, and my grandfather was admitted to the hospital almost right after, and-and my family doesn’t know why,” he says. “and i was a mess, but i knew you had practice- i would’ve gone home right away regardless, but i-i didn’t wanna put all my family problems on you, cause you’ve already got enough. but, i, um, i was almost to maryland and i wanted- i knew i had to turn around, cause i was a fucking asshole, but it was already late and i probably would’ve fallen asleep at the wheel, so i stopped home to sleep for a few hours and now…” he meets kevin’s eyes again.

“i just can’t lose you, and i was stupid and a dick, and you don’t deserve to be treated like this. kevin please, i’m… i’m so sorry.” kevin notices how dalton holds back on reaching out to him. “is there any way i can fix it?”

kevin looks to the side, arms crossed. “you’ve probably dealt with so much fucked shit with me and my family,” my foxes, “family problems don’t scare me, d. i love you so much that i sat on my knees in your apartment having a panic attack… i… i don’t wanna do the whole thing where i take a few days away from you,” he says. “i can be there for you like you’ve done for me, i swear, but you just, like, you have to talk to me. cause i can’t do that again. so many things went through my head that i can’t go through again. i-i can’t be left so broken that it makes me wanna be numb enough to drink.”

this time, he lets dalton wipe a tear under his eye. he speaks quiet. “i’m humiliated by that. i never want to break my sobriety again.”

dalton nods. “i’m so sorry i broke my promise.”

“mine too.”

“no.” he shakes his head. “that’s different. and i should’ve talked to you, told you why i did what i did, even if it was stupid.”

kevin nods.�� “can you hold me?” he whispers.

dalton doesn’t waste time, and wraps his arms around kevin, who sinks into his embrace. “i’ll make you a new promise. one i can keep.” dalton speaks into kevin’s hair. “i promise to communicate better and talk to you, no matter what.”

kevin slides his arms around dalton’s neck. “i promise i’ll call someone if i ever get the urge to drink alone again.” and then, “i’m sorry about your grandmother.” he knows which one it is, too, because his grandmother on his mother’s side passed when dalton was a child. this one kevin met a few months back, even.

he pulls back, and cups dalton’s face. “i’m here for you, okay?”

dalton nods, and he tilts his head into kevin’s hand. “i don’t think it’ll hit me for a while. the funeral is in three days.” he pauses. “you don’t have to, but-“

“i’ll be there with you.”

dalton cups his hand around kevin’s on his face and brings his knuckles to his lips. “i’ll make all of this up to you.” kevin kisses his forehead. “i love you,” dalton whispers.

i’m now realizing i forgot to include angst #16 aka “you’ve changed” but it’s probably better for my own sanity that i didn't bc that one just makes me think of “they break up and run into each other months/years later” which i can NOT do to my boys LOL

#kevin day #bisexual kevin day #the one where someone doesn’t know who kevin day is #OC: dalton miller #dalton miller #kevin day x dalton miller #exy #aftg #all for the game #the foxhole court #the foxes #palmetto state university #palmetto state foxes #dan wilds #andrew minyard #neil josten #david wymack #kayleigh day

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calpalirwin · 4 years

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Bailey, Bailey, Bailey

Summary: Mason doesn’t want to leave for Daddy Finn’s without his baby sister.

A/N: Remember how I said I had an idea in progress, but was in a weird headspace so I was gonna take a small break? Break’s over. Back to your regularly scheduled Bree writing antics.

Word Count: 1.2k

And away, and away we go!

Mason only got to spend a few days with Bailey before the weekend rolled around. In lieu of going out like they normally did, Finn dropped by with a pizza when he made his daily appearance to help out.

“Anything different happen when I was gone?” Finn asked as they sat around the table.

“Same shit, different day,” Vanessa told him.

“So fuckin’ exhausted?”

“So fuckin’ exhausted,” she nodded with a laugh. “But very happy.”

“And how are you holding up?” Finn asked, looking over at Ashton.

“Never felt so fuckin’ useless,” the other man admitted.

“Told ya.”

“Oh, hush,” Vanessa told them both. “You guys might not be able to do feedings, but having you both is helping me a lot. Mase, sweet boy, eat please.”

Mason was half turned in his chair, pizza slice mainly uneaten as he chattered softly “Baie, Baie, Baie,” to the infant who was sleeping soundly in her swing.

“Mason,” she said a bit firmer, waiting until he was looking at her before repeating herself. “You need to eat.”

“Baie, Momma.”

“Yes, I know she’s right there. You need to eat.”

“Baie!” He crossed his arms.

“Suit yourself then.”

“That’ll be fun later,” Finn muttered sardonically. It’d been a battle all three adults had been having with the boy the past few days. If Bailey was anywhere in Mason’s line of sight, that’s where his focus was. Which would be endearing if it didn’t result in the biggest meltdowns over getting Mason to do even the simplest of tasks.

Vanessa pushed her seat back. “I’ll go put her upstairs. Maybe then he’ll eat.”

Ashton wiped at his mouth before rushing to his feet. “Nah, I got it baby. Sit and eat.”

“Nuh-uh,” Vanessa told him, picking the path of least resistance. “I got Bailey.”

“You fucker…” Finn shook his head at her, knowing what was about to happen.

“Good luck, boys,” Vanessa told them both sweetly as she walked over to the baby.

“Mase!” Both men raced to get the boy’s attention.

“Baie?” Mason asked in confusion as Vanessa carefully shifted Bailey out of the swing and into her arms. “Momma! Baie!”

“Oh, no you don’t.” Ashton grabbed Mason before the toddler could run after Vanessa, pulling the squirming boy onto his lap.

“Baie!” he screeched, kicking his legs and thrashing his body.

Finn jumped out of his seat to help Ashton, getting in Mason’s line of sight. “Hey,” he said, keeping his voice calm and soft. “Bailey’s just going upstairs.”

“Baie!” Mason sobbed.

“I know you’re sad, but this isn’t going to get Bailey back down here.”

“Baie!” Mason swiped angrily at Finn.

“You can be upset, but you do not hit.”

Mason growled and leaned to swipe at his dinner, sending the plate skittering off on the table before clattering to the floor.

Finn’s jaw ticked, and Ashton flipped Mason around to face him. “Hey. That wasn’t very nice. Here, breathe with me.” He took the boy’s hand, holding it to his chest. “Ready?” He took a big breath in, waiting for Mason to copy him. Ashton blew out his breath with Mason, smiling at the boy. Ashton repeated the process a handful of times until Mason was breathing regularly without Ashton’s guidance. “Good job. Better, or do we need to do it again?”

Mason shook his head.

“Okay, I’m gonna let you go, but we have to be calm.”

“Papa,” Mason nodded.

Ashton set the boy back in his own chair while Finn placed a new piece of pizza in front of him. “Eat, please.” When Mason started to pick his food, Finn went back to his seat, rubbing at his face. “This isn’t gonna end well when I take him with me here in a bit, is it?”

“God, no,” Ashton laughed.

Both men were trying to coax the boy into taking more bites of pizza, who defiantly took the smallest possible nibbles in response, when Vanessa came back downstairs with Bailey. “Shit, she wake up?” Ashton asked, scraping his chair back and rising to his feet.

“Yeah. Got her to latch for a bit, but she let go. Just came down for water be-”

“Because breastfeeding makes you thirsty,” Ashton and Finn finished with a nod. “Here,” Finn said, holding out his arms. “I’ll take her while you get settled.”

“Thanks,” Vanessa smiled gratefully at him before shaking out her arms.

“Where do you wanna set up, baby?” Ashton asked, passing her a glass of water.

She took a deep gulp from the glass before answering. “On the couch is fine. Finn, you might as well just take Mase. He’s not gonna eat, and Bailey’s just gonna bounce back and forth between eating and sleeping herself.”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right,” he said, handing Bailey over once Vanessa got settled on the couch. “I won’t drop by tomorrow just to give you some rest, but we’ll drop by Monday after I pick him up from Mom’s.”

“Sounds good. Oh! Bring Mom with you guys. I’m sure she’d love to see Bailey now that we’re home and everything.”

“She’d love that.” Finn pressed a swift kiss to Vanessa’s cheek before ducking down further to place one on Bailey’s head. “Love you, sweet girl.”

“Say ‘bye Daddy, love you,’” she cooed, moving Bailey’s small hand up to wave at Finn. “Bye Finn.”

“Bye Ness. Mase, say bye to Momma and Papa.”

Mason climbed down from his chair before going over to hug Ashton’s leg. “Bye buddy. Have fun at Daddy’s, and I’ll see in a few days. Love you.” Ashton told him, ruffling the boy’s hair.

“Papa,” Mason replied, squeezing Ashton’s leg tight before letting go and running off to Vanessa. “Momma.” He hugged her leg, giving her a lighter squeeze than he had given Ashton.

“Bye sweet boy. I love you and I’ll see you in a few days.” She ran her hand through his hair, shifting the locks back into their usual place.

“Later, man,” Finn called out over his shoulder to Ashton.

“See ya, mate.”

All the adults’ eyes locked for a brief second, a shared look of relief that Mason was too caught up in the routine of leaving with Finn to realize what was happening. They didn’t dare breath for fear of jinxing it.

Finn had just gotten Mason to the car when the boy let out a confused. “Baie?”

“Son offa…” Finn swore, picking up Mason.

“Baie!” Mason wailed in anguish.

“Bailey’s staying with Momma and Papa. She’s too little.”

“Baie!” he sobbed into Finn’s shoulder

“We’ll come back in a few days, and see Bailey.”

“Baie!” Mason’s voice was growing hoarse from the yelling he’d done.

Finn held Mason tightly to him, swaying lightly back and forth, waiting for Mason to exhaust himself. When the cries turned to sniffles, Finn asked him, “Are you upset we’re leaving without Bailey, or because you didn’t say bye? 1 or 2?”

Mason held up 3 fingers. Both.

“Okay. But remember what I said? Bailey’s too little. She can’t come with us yet. We gotta wait until she gets bigger.”

“Baie…”

“Yeah, it does suck,” Finn agreed. “It makes me sad, too. But, we can go back inside and we can bye to Bailey. Would you like that?”

Mason nodded. “Baie.”

“Alight. Just to say bye.”

“How far did ya get?” Ashton asked as the front door opened.

“Almost had him in the car,” Finn chuckled.

“Damn…”

“Yep. Okay, Mase. Go say bye.”

Finn set the boy on his feet and Mason ran straight for Vanessa and Bailey, climbing his way up to be beside them. “Baie, Baie, Baie.”

“Bailey, Bailey, Bailey.”

Tag List

@frontmanash @goeatsomelife @flameraine @creator-appreciator @cxddlyash @1-irwin-94 @sparkling-calm @tea4sykes @youngblood199456 @5-seconds-of-obsession @gosh-im-short @aquarius-hood1996 @talkfastromance4 @itjustkindahappenedreally @philthepegacorn @boomerash @teenwolfss24 @karajaynetoday @myfavfanficsever @stormrider505 @cashtonisruiningmylife @another-lonely-heart

#bailey bailey bailey #ashton irwin #ashton irwin fic #5sos #ashton&vanessa #ash&mase #mase&bai #yes nessa refers to finn's mom as mom because we stan finn and his mom #galcal irwin

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beerecordings · 4 years

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I was thinking about that Therapy AU (ish. thing. question mark?) that you brainstormed a few months back, and I find myself wondering—which of the boys realized “oh hey, I should probably see a therapist” first? And what was the impetus? (Jackie. I’m asking about Jackie. I want to know the story behind how Jackie found his Alderian/Adlerian duder and why he sprung for it. Also the thing about who came first, but Jackie. My boy. Im lov him)

lol yeah you’re right it’s not so much an au as something that i’d like to be canon in just about every universe i come up with lollll. but yeah hm…

I think Henrik goes to see a therapist first because he’s been through literal hell and there’s no way he can handle any of this without professional help. and everybody knows that, you know, like… it’s easier to justify some reasons to go than others. so even though everybody probably needs it they’re all here like “oh GEEZ someone else has had it SO MUCH WORSE than me so HE’S going to therapy” and they all end up ganging up on Henrik with their love and support like “yeah bud you need to see somebody please we’re worried about you!!” and it’s hard to argue when he’s both physically and mentally exhausted so he just ends up letting them take him. he doesn’t have his existentialist therapist at first, that’s too intensive for his mental energy at the time, but he just sees a nice calm therapist who really helps him deal with some of the outstanding issues and find ways to hold on when he’s really bad off. and the others are all so excited and supportive but for some reason when he recommends they try it too, they seem to think he’s joking?

then Chase gets court-ordered to therapy and he’s like “FUCK fine!!” and it makes him sob his heart out every week and he feels so dumb and weak and stupid for like two months before he starts to come around to it. and it’s Henrik who really convinces him that it’s okay, and then eventually it actually starts to help?? and he gets to see the kids again!!! ahh!!! it’s a good time! he and Henrik start scheduling their appointments at the same time so they can get lunch together first and then walk home together too.

JJ gets pressured by the family to join them after he starts getting into some really bad habits like getting into fights and tearing his fists open beating up his punching bag and staring at his razor for long enough that Henrik gets scared and practically drags him there himself (he would not go but he hates to see Henrik so nervous and upset). Marvin has a complete breakdown after years of being the family tough guy without crying once in front of the others and they all get freaked out and ask him to go see somebody for their sake if nothing else (he would not go but when his little brothers look at him like that) and then Jackie is there like “good job guys! I’ll just be over here! love you! :)”

cause the thing is Marvin had convinced himself that he has to be tough enough to deal with everything he goes through in silence, but Jackie is WORSE because he’s just convinced himself he doesn’t have anything to deal with. He’s the big brother, first of all, so he just doesn’t have time for that, and he’s a hero, so nothing’s going to get to him anyway, of course. and then he just hasn’t been through as much as the others, right? Henrik and JJ with Anti, and Chase with his family, and his poor Marv must have been dealing with so much so quietly for so long, and if Jackie had just been a better brother to him he wouldn’t have HAD to do that, he wouldn’t have had to hide anything from anyone, he’d come to Jackie instead of hiding his problems but he doesn’t because he doesn’t trust him enough and that’s because of Jackie’s failures and ALL OF THIS IS JACKIE’S FAULT -

yeah, no, no problems! he’s good! he’s cruising! He doesn’t have it that bad he’s fine! he only struggles sometimes cause he’s a baby, right? he should toughen up, after all he heard Henrik sobbing last night and he has it so much worse, he’s been through so much, Jackie needs to look like everything’s okay so Henrik feels safe and calm. and then everything will be better and everything will be fine. once his brothers are fine, he’ll be fine.

and then his brothers are fine.

he stops, pauses, looks around.

Chase is out with the kids, sober for a year straight. JJ’s just got a new job and he seems happy and well-adjusted. Henrik’s showing his scars without freaking out and has been dealing with his panic attacks well. Marvin admits he had a bad day but says he’s going to make tomorrow a better one! Jackie’s never heard him say anything like that in his life and he seems to mean it, what the hell is happening?

all his brothers are fine and he’s still not… what is happening…. if everyone’s okay why does he still feel so bad about himself?

The others want to go to family therapy now. Apparently JJ’s therapist keeps recommending it because so many of his issues come back to worrying about upsetting the others, and then Marvin’s therapist agrees, and they’re all pretty comfy with therapy by now, and they want to go, they want to try it. and of course he’s not going to turn them down!! yeah, they need him to be the calm big brother in the room, keeping everything together, making sure they’re all safe? of course! he’ll come and support them all!! he’s a little bit terrified at the very prospect but they need this so he’ll do it, he can do it! for their sake. if it’s for their sake it’s okay, it’s permissible, and it’s not weak because it’s not for him, it’s for them.

and then they get in there and it’s so much messier than he expected. first of all the therapist right away goes “so everyone is seeing a therapist personally but you, Jackie” and he goes hot red and feels all his brothers looking at him and makes up something about not needing that and he sees Henrik turn away from him when he says it. and then she keeps trying to draw him into it and he hates that, this wasn’t what he planned, he just wanted to sit here and tell everyone they were doing great!! and then, oh, hell, everything is coming out. everything is coming bleeding out of his brothers and it’s messy and it’s ugly and he’s not a bystander, he’s a part of it, they even say his name sometimes, they even seem to accuse him sometimes. it’s not what he expected, it’s not at all what he expected, it’s not Chase going “I’m sad sometimes when you’re sad Marvin” and Marvin going “oh no I’m sad when you’re sad let’s work on this :’((” it’s like Jameson saying “I can’t tell any of you ANYTHING because half the time you treat me like an infant and the other half of the time you get so upset that even though I want to confide in you I can’t because I know it’ll send you all spiraling, I feel like I’m not allowed to be fucking suicidal but I am and I can’t trust any of you to deal with me - ” and then before he knows it Jackie is fucking sobbing in the therapy room so hard they all have to be done for the day and JJ is sitting there staring at him like he’s just proven his point and the guilt comes crashing down and he feels like he’s dying and he REFUSES to go back next week.

they’re all upset and JJ won’t talk to him. he WON’T go back to that, that was so horrible and humiliating, he’s not doing that again, he’s NEVER trying therapy again.

his brothers go to family therapy without him. that’s fine. that’s good. they’re allowed to. he waits for things to go back to normal.

they don’t.

JJ never talks to him anymore, not about the things that matter. He says there’s no bad blood between them and most likely that’s true, but the fact is he just doesn’t trust him. can’t confide in him. Jackie starts to feel sick every time they’re together, wondering if his baby brother is suicidal right now and just hiding it from him, sitting there doing his embroidery with a movie playing on the couch, thinking about killing himself. Jackie’s starting to get upset more often. Jackie’s starting to crumble. everyone is fine, for the most part. he doesn’t want to upset that. doesn’t want to put the burden of himself on their shoulders. he’s being such a fucking baby. why is he crying himself to sleep again every night? why did he have to go hide in the bathroom for five minutes at the restaurant yesterday because someone said the word antifreeze? why does Chase teasing him about taking the last piece of cake make him want to die so badly? why isn’t he ever happy anymore? Marvin asks him if he wants to go to the arcade and he doesn’t, he isn’t up for it. energy’s gone. hasn’t had much for a long time but he could bury the exhaustion from their sight and that was all that matters. Jamie accidentally cuts his thumb one day in the kitchen and Jackie wants in and sees the blood dripping onto his wrist and he loses it, he loses it, he’s screaming, he’s shouting at JJ, and Jameson just stands there and takes it, Jameson stands there staring at him when everybody else is shouting at Jackie to cut it out, stop it, what the hell Jackie? Jamie is still standing there in silence when Jackie has a full meltdown on the kitchen floor, followed promptly by a miserable, silent, exhausted shutdown that lasts for two days afterwards.

he goes back to family therapy. it isn’t really working. he’s really tired and sad and every time someone tries to confront him about an issue in their family he might be involved in he immediately starts crying and apologizing again and again, taking all the blame on his shoulders, promising them they didn’t do anything wrong even if they did, not accepting comfort or apologies from any of them, everything’s his fault, he promises he’ll fix it, he’ll never go out on patrol again if that’s what they want. and it’s so uncomfortable for everyone and soon family therapy starts turning into “tip-toeing around Jackie while Jackie feels miserable and gets worse” and their therapist tells them this isn’t working anymore.

You need to go to a therapist, they start telling him.

I’ve been going with you all the time, he says.

No, they say, you need to go to a therapist.

Oh.

Well, he can’t do that.

Well, why not? Huh?

Because he just can’t.

Because that’s not who he is.

Why isn’t it who he is?

Jackie, why?

Jackie, say something, say anything.

Why?

Because he’s not allowed to be that. He’s not allowed to need help. He’s got to keep them safe - you don’t - I do!

fuck’s sake, Jackie. You can’t keep doing this anymore. You just can’t.

I know, he says. I know.

but he won’t go even when it’s all sitting out in the open and everyone’s staring at him like they’re waiting for him to shatter into glass because the family therapist was not what he needed and he’s scared of the questions and the feeling of being torn apart and the conflict and the sadness and he thinks all therapy’s like that and it’s not for him and he won’t go. and then one day sweet little brother number three comes and lays down with him and hugs him real tight and puts himself right there in Jackie’s arms so his big brother gets to hold him and push their heads together and hear his heartbeat and feel him rubbing at his shoulder. and Chase has probably waited for a soft calm night to tell him this but there’s this really cool thing his therapist recommended for Jackie’s sake where you don’t have to talk at all in therapy if you don’t want to. they just give you this great sand and you can run your hands all over it and then they get all these like toys and models and things out and they ask you questions like “tell me about a time when you were happy” and you just have to build, man, and work from there. and he knows he’s been so sad and tired lately and he wants him to try it because he loves him and didn’t Jackie used to try and convince him to go too?

and you wouldn’t see me as a failure if i went? and you wouldn’t think you had to take care of me? and it wouldn’t be weird for you? and you wouldn’t make fun of me for it? and nobody would ask me too many questions? and i could just build?

and Chase gives him a lot of no’s and one good solid yes, yeah, bud, you can just build, and Jackie goes two weeks later and sits down with the sand and the toys in front of him and just lets it all go and, in plastic houses and little figurines that remind him of his family and the cool soothing weight of the sand in his hands, he tells the truth at last, without ever speaking once.

plus his therapist is really funny and sweet and positive and warm with him. and she keeps going “just between you and me” and he grins and knows he can tell her anything and it doesn’t have to come back and hurt his brothers at all if he doesn’t want it to, he can even say Forbidden Horrible things like “it makes me angry when he does this” or “I wanted to kill that man that night and it scared me how strong I was” and “sometimes I think I’m just as much a mistake as Anti was” and slowly, slowly, they start to work on it. and he learns to apologize respectfully and fairly, without being accidentally manipulative, and he learns to take care of them in a way that he couldn’t before, and he learns that he’s important too, and needed and loved, even if he isn’t strong or positive or perfect every day of every year.

they start going back to family therapy once he’s ready. they keep getting more and more tools to help them put themselves and each other back together again. it’s a good fit after all.

#suicidal ideation tw #panic attack tw #distress tw #but it ends sweet right?#he's a good boy

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holycalum · 6 years

Text

vice (c.h.) part 3!!

summary- (y/n) has another #breakdown but like ACTUALLY this time she goes home just read it

part 1 part 2 part 4

word count- 3.6k+

a/n- im terrible at summaries i figure if ur reading this far you don’t care you just wanna know what happens ya dig? also i appreciate all the love and support for this fic so much?? because i really thought this would flop but im so happy people are enjoying it. vice is literally my baby rn and i’ve put a lot of effort into it, and to see it pay off is grand ok goodbye. “fuck yeah,” i slurred, holding up my red cup in triumph. “midterms are hashtag over.” i slumped into britt, and she groaned, trying to push me off of her.

“you’re too drunk,” she yelled over the thumping music. “your flights early tomorrow.”

“don’t care,” i smiled, dancing again. but britt’s word cut through my drunk thoughts moments later, and traveled straight to the gut. i might as well have doubled over because of the sinking feeling in my stomach. i had to go home the next day, and i didn’t want to in the slightest. the remix playing was drowned out as i stopped dancing abruptly, and got stuck in my head. the dark cloud that was rarely over my head anymore came crashing back, and i didn’t have calum to distract me. i had pushed the idea of me leaving college a semester early to kick start my life the back of my head, letting myself get lost in my studies for once, and calum. the second one was really the kicker. i pushed my way through the crowd, suddenly feeling very queasy. i stumbled throughout the unfamiliar house. miraculously i found a bathroom, and practically threw myself into it. i locked the door behind me, and fell to the floor. the cool tile soothed my burning skin, and i felt like i was human again. i crawled over the the toilet, head spinning.

as i gripped the disgusting bowl and willed myself to throw up, i couldn’t help but let a few tears fall. but that was only the calm before the storm, because soon enough the dark cloud above my head stormed onto me. i cried so hard i gagged, and couldn’t catch my breath. my heart felt shriveled up and small and dead.

i had never been the drunk girl to have a complete meltdown, but i couldn’t stop the emotions from shooting out of every pore in my body. i felt like i was one big sad blob, and i physically couldn’t stop myself from getting drenched in the waters from my dark cloud.

my crisis was interrupted by a knock at the door, i prayed it was a nice drunk girl that would braid my hair and tell me i’m pretty so i’d stop crying. but when i unlocked the door, calum’s eyes met mine and i cried even harder. i leaned against the cabinets, face in my hands, not wanting calum to see me at all, i wanted to disappear.

it was funny, in the moments i wanted to be alone with my thoughts the most, calum always seemed to show up.

“no, no, no,” calum’s words came out frantic, as he kneeled down in front of me and pulled my hands away from my face. the look of panic on his face sent my head spinning.

“what’s wrong, pretty girl?” his nickname pulled at my heart strings and only made the knot in my stomach grown tighter.

i couldn’t catch my breath enough to get any words out, so i sat there blubbering like a toddler, looking down, only for calum to tilt my head back up.

“hey,” he cooed, shutting and locking the bathroom door once again, this time not leaving me alone. he sat against the door, and pulled me to his lap. “let’s just calm down and then we can talk, ok?” he said softly into my hair. i nodded against his leather jacket, trying to take deep breaths. even though i hated being so broken in front of calum, i couldn’t help but cling onto him like my life depended on it. the contact between us grounded me.

every once in a while a sob would break through my breathing, causing calum to tense up and hold me tighter for a second, before going back to rubbing slow circles on my back.

once i brought myself back down to earth, i pulled away from his chest, the world around me tilted in all directions. “i don’t wanna go home,” i cried, my words making tears well back up in my eyes. calum’s face was full of guilt as he stared into my bloodshot eyes.

“hey,” he shushed me, wiping under my eyes. he’d need a whole box of tissues to dry my cheeks, “it’s ok, just go slow.”

“i wanna fall in love, cal.” i admitted, not being able to control the thoughts involuntarily pouring out of my mouth. “i want it all-but i cant have it. they took it from me. i don’t wanna go back.” a lump in my throat sprouted from deep within me, threatening to send me into another crying fit.

i could see his eyes go glassy, “no,” i begged, “don’t cry.”

“m’ sorry,” he chuckled weakly, reaching up to wipe his own eyes. “going soft, sorry, continue.” another sob wracked through my chest at his state. i leaned my forehead against his chest, letting another cry out.

“i’m hurting everyone around me,” i said sadly, “i don’t wanna hurt you anymore.” it became crystal clear that everyone was only calum.

“but it’s so worth it, doll.” he whispered sweetly, smoothing the hairs around my ear. “you’re my sunshine, at the same time. what a contradiction you’ve proven to be.” it almost didn’t make sense.

i settled against his chest, finally feeling a bit calmer. “an’ i know you’re really drunk right now, so i doubt you’ll remember most of this,” he starts, breath ghosting over my neck. “but, i accidentally let you in and i can feel myself falling for you. and it sucks because you’ll never be mine, fully at least, and you’re one of the only people i’ve let in so close to my heart.”

“stop,” i pleaded, “i don’t wanna know,”

“it’s not a bad thing, pretty girl.” he reassured me, “teaching me that it might be worth it, to let someone in, to enjoy someone’s company beyond sex.”

“i wish it didn’t have to be like this.” i mumbled, feeling very tired.

“let’s get you home,”

i woke up the next day, to my blaring alarm clock. my head pounded as i flailed my hand around to turn off the terrible noise. it was the day of my flight and i couldn’t have felt any worse. eyes almost glued shut because of how puffy they were, traveled to see i was in the same clothes i was wearing the night prior. i felt like i’d been kicked in the face. clearly i had cried the night before. oh, the night before.

i remembered almost everything, the crying, calum, more crying. it only made my headache worse. i showered to try and make myself feel less gross, but it only washed away the physical layer of grime. the emotional dirtiness would stay forever.

i shrugged calum’s shirt over my head, it was dark blue, with maine written in bold white letters. it was probably my favorite shirt on him, so he insisted i have it. it was probably a bad idea to be reminded of calum while i went home, but it made me feel happy, and i could’ve used some light in my life. i pulled on a beanie and my long winter jacket, before grabbing my bags and heading towards the door. my roommates were still passed out from the night before, pillows over both of their heads.

“bye, guys.” i muttered, before swinging the door open. “jesus, calum.” i breathed, clutching my chest, my heart almost stopping at the sight of him.

“hey, sunshine.” he smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. the nickname launched me into the events of the night before and i willed myself not to break.

“hi,” i breathed, biting the inside of my lip. “thank you, for last night.”

“anytime,” he replied, “nice shirt.” this time his eyes sparkled a bit, before his face fell.

“what’s up?” i questioned, not understanding why he was standing outside my dorm at almost eight in the morning.

“i wanted to say bye to you before you left,” he rocked back and forth on his heels, hands shoved in his pockets. he looked small, and tucked into himself, “feels like i’m losing you.” he mumbled the last part, almost low enough for me to miss it completely.

“please don’t say that,” i shut my eyes, forcing the tears to stay inside of me. he shrugged weakly.

“i guess this is goodbye,” he smiled at me, brown eyes shining. my stomach sank and i reached towards him and engulfed him in the biggest hug i could muster. i wanted to keep him with me forever.

“promise me you’ll see me when i get back,” i begged him, clutching onto him for dear life. his tight grasp around my waist indicated he was doing the same.

“i promise,” his words were muffled by my shoulders, where his perfect face was squished. he pulled away, painfully, almost making me whine at the loss of contact. “goodbye, (y/n).”

“bye, calum.” i breathed, standing on my toes to press a gentle kiss to his cheek. “i’ll see you when i get back-when i get home.” it was honest, being with calum felt more like a home than my own childhood house did.

“i’ll see you then,” he gulped, and he watched me walk away. the entire trip back to my hometown, i spent on the verge of tears and a nervous breakdown.

[11:34 am] me: i can’t do this

[11:35 am] calum: cant do what sunshine?

[11:35 am] me: my plane just landed.

[11:36 am] calum: you can get thru this pretty girl

[11:36 am] me: you have way too much faith in me

[11:38 am] calum: (:

calum’s lightheartedness made me feel a bit better as i gathered my luggage painfully quick. near the baggage claim, my parents were waiting eagerly for me.

“(y/n)!” my mom exclaimed, in a much different tone than she’d had the last time we spoke. it almost made me throw up at how sweet she was acting when the last time she made an effort to talk to me was to try and get me to drop out of school.

“hey guys,” i plastered on a fake smile, bringing both of my parents in for a hug. “how are you?”

“wonderful, now that you’re back!” my dad said, rubbing my shoulder. “how about we head back to the house and have some lunch, i’m sure you’re starving.”

“i am!” i lied, i wasn’t. not in the slightest, my stomach was twisted and the idea of food made me want to yakk on the spot. my appetite had disappeared the second i turned around to see calum’s pained expression as i walked away. the drive home was tense, calling for awkward small talk and bad jokes.

when we walked in the front door, i was greeted by a very happy david. my mouth fell open as i was halfway through kicking off my shoes. i felt like my body had been frozen solid.

“i thought you didn’t get back for another day,” i deadpanned, not being able to hide my emotions. the whole trip was already emotionally heavy, and seeing david so soon only added another layer overbearing feelings.

“i wanted to surprise you!” david pulled me in for a lingering hug, he was too keen on surprises for my liking. i hugged him back, and our bodies didn’t mold together like calum and i’s did. i felt no fire, i felt no excitement, i felt nothing except for a heavy emptiness settling in my chest.

my little sister, maya, bounded down the entryway. “(y/n)!” she yelled, and i ripped myself away from david to embrace her.

“hey, lil’ one.” i said, smiling for real. i pulled away, looking at her. “not so little anymore,” she was taller than i was now, towering over me by a few inches.

“how’s junior year?”

“rough,” she rolled her eyes, “how’s college.”

“great.” i smiled widely, catching david’s eye, “i love it, you know that.” it was the in small victories.

“stressful, though!” david cut in,

“a good kind of stress,” i snapped back, turning my eyes back to maya slowly, boxing david out of the conversation. “i’ve met a lot of great people.”

“who’s shirt is that?” she asked suddenly, gripping the dark blue fabric. her eyebrows furrowed together at the sight of the unfamiliar shirt.

“just a friend’s,” i smiled, my mouth doing dry. maya wiggled her eyebrows at me, and i hit her arm. i wasn’t really lying, calum and i weren’t together, so that left us as friends, although friends weren’t necessarily supposed to act like we did.

the air that hung around us was dense and suffocating, so i saw myself to the kitchen, where an array of food was laid out in front of my parents, and david’s.

“hey honey,” david’s mom smiled at me, pulling me in for a hung. she kept an arm wound around my waist as david’s dad caught my attention.

“how ya’ feelin, kid?” he asked, grinning widely.

i gave him a gentle smile back, “i’m great,” i breathed, trying to grip onto the last of my sanity that would make my statement at least a little true. we spent the eve of christmas eve making small conversation, settling into the way things had always been, and will always be.

i ended up sprawled out on my little sisters bed, late that night, face down. everyone had left, and i could finally feel my shoulders relax.

“so...” maya sat next to me, causing me to roll onto my side. “you seeing anyone?” she mused, poking my shoulder.

i sighed, “you know i shouldn’t.” i put simply, trying the avoid the thought and conversation.

“when has that stopped you?” she challenged, “i know you don’t really love david,” she added quietly, looking at me with caring eyes.

“even if i was...” i started, “it can’t be a good idea, it’ll only hurt more people in the end.”

maya frowned, “you deserve to be happy, (y/n).”

“i know,” i pulled my lips into a straight line, “i can make it work, i still have you.”

“you won’t be fully happy,” she fretted, her tone more upset than it was before.

“maybe no ones ever fully happy,” i shrugged, “maybe i’ll just be a little less happy, i’ll survive.”

maya chewed on the inside of her cheek for a moment, “do you think they’ll make me marry someone i don’t like too?” i sat up, and tucked a piece of her hair behind her hair. she seemed like a little girl again, and it broke my heart.

“you were always more stubborn than i was,” i whispered, smoothing her hair down, “they can’t hold you down, lil’ one.” she smiled, “goodnight, maya.” the topic became too much to stomach.

“night, (y/n).” i made my way out of maya’s room, padding down to my old bedroom. it was almost exactly the same, just a bit staler, from the lack of movement. the bed was freshly made, and i climbed into it, feeling drained from the day.

i woke up christmas eve morning, and fell into the bustling nature of the day ahead. i was helping cook and clean and prepare for everyone to come over. that night we’d have cousins and david’s family and david’s cousins over, and we’d all have one big painful night.

when i was younger, christmas eve couldn’t come quick enough, and maya and i would spend the whole day waiting for the evening. but, as an adult, the festivities proved to be more annoying than joyful and the night rolled around too quick. my late afternoon nap was interrupted by my mother shaking me awake, informing me of the arrival of our relatives.

i sleepily greeted everyone as they got to the house, stopping for a long conversation with my grandfather. i had never been more grateful for his ability to digress into the longest conversations ever, when i saw david and his family walk through the door. i focused on my grandfather, listening to whatever he was speaking about.

“that’s really interesting,” i said, “tell me more.” i practically begged, and my grandpa almost passed out at the excitement of someone wanting to listen to him.

“hey, (y/n).” david piped up, his blonde hair was littered with snow flakes from being outside.

“one second, david. my grandpas just telling me a story-“ i was cut off,

“that’s fine, sweetheart.” my grandpa said, his smile fading a bit. “go on.” i gave him a sad grin, and hugged him briefly before david pulled me towards the living room.

“i was having a conversation,” i crossed my arms in front of david, pushing him out.

he rolled his eyes, “i know you hate those conversations,”

“that one was really immersing me!” i shot back, stomping my foot. he gripped my forearm, pulling me closer, “don’t throw a fit,” he grumbled, running a hand through his hair.

“whatever,” i brushed it off, knowing i wouldn’t get my way. “what’s up?” “i just wanted to talk to you,” he answered, “i hadn’t seen you since i visited you and we hardly spoke yesterday.”

“m’ just tired,” i rubbed my eyes for effect,

“we’ve barely spoken on the phone either,” he sneered, his face almost as flushed as his pink shirt.

“two way street, david.” i said, my face straight and unmoving.

“you know i love you, (y/n).” david sighed, reaching out for my hand. it was cold and uninviting, unlike calum’s warm embrace. “i just get busy, and distracted. i could use something to pull me out of it.”

“i get busy too,” i stated, my hand stiff in his, and i wondered if this was his idea of love.

“with that major...” he muttered under his breath, and i almost didn’t hear him. “i just want us to be on good terms.”

“we are.” as good as we could get, it wasn’t saying much, but it was something. he smiled.

“good.” and then i walked away, excusing myself to the restroom. i stood in front of the mirror, hands gripping the sink so hard my knuckles went white. i let myself breath for a second, feeling i’d lose control if i didn’t. i pulled my phone out quickly, typing a text to calum.

[7:27 pm] me: merry christmas eve

[7:30 pm] calum: merry christmas to you, pretty girl

[7:30 pm] calum: how are you?

[7:31 pm] me: surviving

“(y/n)?” a knock cut through my trance and i jumped, going to open the door.

“hi,” i caught my breath, looking at my mom.

“dinners ready,” she stated, “you alright?”

“yes.” i nodded, following her to the dining room. david took a seat next to me, uncomfortably gripping my thigh throughout the night. his touch wasn’t reassuring or nice, it was repulsive and empty.

after dinner, we all sat in the living room, gathered around the tree, giving our cousins gifts and opening them early. it was a family tradition to open gifts from extended family christmas eve, and david’s family had intertwined with ours, making it like a huge pre-christmas. once all the little cousins finished opening toys and sharing with one another we all started to fall into our own conversations.

“i actually have one more gift,” david’s voice bellowed, it was loud and dripping with confidence.

oh no.

“it’s for (y/n),” he said, shifting his weight to one of his knees.

oh no.

“(y/n),” he started, grabbing both of my hands and the attention of everyone around us. i felt maya’s eyes shoot to mine, wide and worried. i felt sick to my stomach, “i love you, you know that.” my whole body was lit aflame and not in any desirable way, i felt too hot and crowded and my tongue felt like heavy sandpaper in my mouth.

i couldn’t do anything but sit there, mouth hung open, heart pumping wildly. i watched his mouth move but i didn’t hear any noise come out, my ears rung loudly.

“will you marry me?” i didn’t answer, i couldn’t answer.

“of course she will!” my mother shrilled loudly, clutching her chest.

my eyes were dull with loss, the sharp edges of my memories with calum slicing at my heart as he slid the ring on my finger. i felt like i didn’t have myself anymore, or even know who i was. i didn’t know. i didn’t care.

david pulled me in for a hug, as our family clapped loudly around us. it was all real and i couldn’t stop it.

i looked calm, up until i finally shut my bedroom door behind me. all at once my tears flowed out, the dark cloud above my head had once again stormed on me, leaving me soaked to the core. i dragged myself to my bed, not bothering to change out of the clothes i’d wore that night. i felt hopeless as sobs ran through my body, shaking every part of me. my room was miserable and cold, and the only sound piercing the silence was my occasional cries i couldn’t keep quiet.

i cried for me, i cried for my future kids, i cried for calum.

calum

. i wanted to tell him, i wanted to hear his voice and i wanted him to tell me it was going to be ok, but it wasn’t and not even he could change that. but i longed to feel him, and the brightness he elicited by only giving me a look. my heart ached as i fell asleep, my future dragging me closer and closer.

a/n: ok drama lmk what ya think even if its me being stupid and spelling something wrong but feedback is appreciated! thank u for reading!! part 4 should be up tomorrow or in the next couple of days. ALSO im gonna fosho gonna write more after this is done so if you have an requests pls message me i would love 2 write what yall want ok goodbye love u

tags: (lmk if u wanna be added for part 4/any other shit i write) @rexorangecouny

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alippy711 · 6 years

Text

Falling Away With You-Ch.23

Warning: Just a heads up a little talk about what I can only describe as a minor panic attack.

###

Chapter Twenty-Three: Time

I had been laying in David’s bed for hours knowing full well I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep until he got home. I had so many thoughts running through my head I could barely focus. I was trying to figure out the best way to comfort him, while also dealing with the fact that the season was over. The season was over. It was May 6th and the season was over. Which meant David was leaving and I was stuck in Boston until the end of June. I knew I should be worrying about him, but my selfishness was getting the best of me and all I could think about was how long we would be apart. I did my best to push those thoughts out and focus on David.

The game ended hours ago and he texted me about thirty minutes ago letting me know they landed. I was laying on my side looking out the windows when I heard the door unlock, echoing throughout silent house. I rolled over, eyes on the stairs waiting for him to come into my view and when he did my heart broke when his somber eyes met mine. He forced a half smile as he dropped his bag on the floor kicking off his shoes. I didn’t speak, just watched as he stared off and began undressing, tossing his suit jacket on the floor before loosening his tie and unbuttoning his dress shirt adding those to the growing pile of clothes. Usually I would give him shit about not picking up after himself, but not tonight.

I pushed up on my elbows pulling back the covers on his side as he stripped down to his briefs and climbed into bed. His eyes met mine and I could see all the exhaustion his body had been fighting off as the season grew long. I reached out running my fingers through his beard a soft sigh escaping his lips as his eyes closed. He scooted closer to me, laying his head between my breasts and slipping a hand under my shirt running it over my stomach before settling on my ribs. His head moved with the rise and fall of my chest and I slipped my fingers through his hair massaging his scalp with one hand while I ran my nails down the bare skin of his back with the other feeling his tight muscles constrict under my touch.

“Im sorry, D. I love you and im so proud of how you played this season.” My words were barely a whisper and only part of what I really wanted to say, but I knew they would be enough for tonight.

“I hate this feeling” His voice was muffled by my shirt and his grip on my waist tightened.

“I know baby I wish I could do something to make it better” I didn’t know what else to say so I wrapped my arms around his shoulders holding him as close as possible. Im not sure how long we laid like this but it was awhile before either of us spoke and he picked his head up from my chest to look at me.

“Don’t you need to sleep?”

“Nope. I took tomorrow off, unless you want to be alone” He shook his head bringing a hand up to cup my face.

“No I want you here. Thank you, for everything. I love you Ash.” His words were thick with emotion and I knew if he cried I would be a fucking goner.

“You’re welcome love, you know I’ll always be here for you.” He smiled and pulled my face down for a kiss as I sighed against his lips. It was short and sweet but one that let me know just how much he cared for me.

There was something in his voice when he called, an urgency maybe, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. He sounded off, more so than the last two days but that was a given after being eliminated. I wasn’t planning on going over until later that night as he had plans with the guys during the day. I would go over tonight, help him pack for Denmark and say goodbye since he was leaving after breakdown day tomorrow but his phone call changed those plans.

A strange feeling washed over me as I stood in front of his door. I had an unexplainable sick feeling in the pit of my stomach only adding to the nerves I had after hearing his voice on the phone. I shook away the thoughts and took a deep breath before unlocking the door and stepping inside. My gaze found his figure through the hallway and I forced a smile as he looked up and when his eyes met mine I knew what was coming.

My heart sank to my stomach at the tortured look on his face, which spoke volumes. However, it was his eyes that showed me everything I had been ignoring for days, what he masked with his ever present smile. I knew him well enough to know I shouldn’t ignore what his eyes were telling me. I assumed that distant look was a product of the season ending, but I was wrong. Right now he was making no effort to hide the withdrawn and distant look in his eyes which I had seen glimpses of recently.

I felt my heart breaking with each agonizing step I took towards him. My heart was racing and I felt myself struggling to take a deep breath. His face dropped when he realized I knew what was coming now all I could see was an apology written on his face.

He knew he was about to destroy me.

He stood in the corner of the kitchen and I bypassed him walking straight into the living room knowing I needed to be sitting for this. I heard his footsteps behind me as he took a seat next to me. I looked over at him somehow finding the will power I needed to hold back the tears threatening to spill over. He was about to shatter me and I needed anger to keep myself from a complete meltdown. I watched him close his eyes taking a deep breath before releasing it slowly. When he opened his mouth to speak no words came out and I knew I was going to be the one to break the silence.

“You promised you were ready” The betrayal evident in my voice.

“I was” His voice was quiet and soft as he looked at me.

“Was? What’s changed since December?”

“I don’t want to hurt you” He pleaded with me and it only made me more annoyed.

“Yet here we are” I said with a wave of my hand. He looked away, shame written across his face and I reached a hand out clutching his chin between my thumb and forefinger forcing him to look at me.

“Talk to me David” I demanded, my tone more aggressive than I expected.

“I just…I need time” He stumbled over his words running a hand through his hair.

“Time for what exactly. D, if you’re breaking up with me I need you to fucking explain yourself” His eyes went wide at the bite in my tone.

“To figure out what I want” I pinched the bridge of my nose to reel myself in, not wanting to lose my shit on him completely.

“I thought you wanted to be with me, do you still want that?” It was a simple question.

“Yes but-”

“Then what the fuck do you need to figure out?” I was full on yelling now, hands flailing in the air as I stood up to face him waiting for an answer.

“You know I love you and I never want to lead you on but I think I need time to figure out what I want. Right now… this,” He gestured between us, “I think- I think it’s too much. You’ve always been so sure about how your feelings for me and where you want us to go...I just need to figure out what I want. Make sure im on the same.” I couldn’t believe the words he was saying. All I could do is start at him, running each work through my mind over and over.

“Shouldn’t you have done that before? Like when you said you were ready?” I spoke through gritted teeth as I clenched my hands into fists a few times.

“I did. Ash, you have to believe me. I wanted this and I don’t really know why t but its changed.”

“How?”I questioned

“It feel like too much and im scared.” His words hit me hard and the lost expression on his face made my anger subside and all I wanted was to hold him tight and tell him everything would be ok.

“Did I ask too much of you? Was a relationship too much?”

“No. Being with you is easy.” His answer was automatic only making me more confused.

“Then what is it David? You’re not making sense” I could hear the desperation in my voice as I watched his face twist with frustration.

“I can’t explain it and I know that’s fucked up but I just need you to trust me. I need to take some time to work through some shit.” He looked up at me and I had to look away, the sadness in his eyes too much for me to handle.

“It’s hard to trust you when I thought everything was good. I mean how much time do you need? Are we just taking a few days and not talking? Are you breaking up with me? I need some fucking clarity here David”

I felt myself panicking my breaths coming in short and shallow as my head spun and a wave of nausea came over me. I took a seat next to him leaning my elbows on my knees burying my head in my hands attempting to control my breathing. He placed a hand on my back rubbing slow circles trying to comfort me. When I finally got control again I looked over at him, brow raised, waiting for an answer.

“I know and im sorry but I don’t have all those answers. I can tell you I’ll need more than a few days. It could be all summer” I winced at his words

“Alright… then I can help you with one question. If you need the whole summer, then as of right now were done.” The words felt like acid in my mouth and I watched as his whole composure changed and he bowed his head closing his eyes as a few tears slid down his cheeks. I tried to fight off the burning in my eyes as my own tears threatened to spill over.

“If that’s what you need-”

“What I need? What I need is some fucking clarity but im obviously not getting that.” I didn’t want to ask my next question but it was past my lips before I could think twice, “Are- are you doing this because you want to be single for the summer?” His head shot up eyes wide as he shook his head while he reached for me, but I moved away from his touch.

“What? No- Ash, I promise that’s not it. I have no problem being faithful to you. You have to believe me.” Finally, the first few tears fell down my cheeks and I knew I needed to leave as my meltdown wouldn’t be far behind.

“I can’t do this… I-I-need to go” My voice trailed off as I stood from the couch frantically looking for the bag I dropped on my way in.

“Ash, wait, please-” His hand came around my wrist and I spun towards him trying to yank out of his grasp.

“No. You’ve don’t enough. There’s nothing else to say. You need time, were broken up, now please just let me go.” He dropped his hold on my wrist and I reluctantly looked at him. His eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks were stained with tears. It completely gutted me and I felt as if my whole world was falling down around me. He opened his mouth to speak, but he realized there was nothing left to say.

“I knew you would destroy me” I spoke the words and turned on my heel to walk out his door as the sob I was holding back rocked through me as I slid down the wall outside his door and cried.

I sat in the parking lot of my building for a good ten minutes trying to figure out how to walk inside. I was nowhere near ready to talk about what just happened and it would be impossible for me to put on a fake smile in front of Sam and Matt. I decided to play the sick card as I made my way up the walkway to our place.

They were curled up on the couch when I walked in, both turning to greet me as I entered the room both their faces falling when they got a glimpse of me.

“Hey Ash, you ok?” Matt asked making a move to get up.

“Yeah I don’t feel too well, I think im just gonna go upstairs and sleep”

“You need us to bring you anything?” Sam’s concern pulled the tiniest smile and I shook my head.

“No im all set, thanks. I’ll see you in the morning” I rushed past them, running up the stairs ignoring their concerned remarks. I let out a deep breath closing my bedroom door and fell onto my bed. I spent the rest of the night going through a gauntlet of emotions thinking back to every interaction David and I had over the last few weeks, trying desperately to figure out what went wrong. Im not sure when I fell asleep but the sun was creeping in through my blinds as I turned off my alarm and called out of work for the second time in three days.

I woke up late the next morning, or maybe it was afternoon, I honestly couldn’t tell you. All I knew was that my entire body was sore and I had no plans to move until I had to wake up for work the following day, but I had a feeling I was about to be disturbed.

I heard their voices whispering outside my door but couldn’t make out what they were saying. I figured they knew by now so there was really not point in hiding.

“You can come in” I called out, my voice hoarse from all the crying I did last night. I rolled over just as the door cracked open and Matt peeked his head in with Sam right behind him.

“Hey kid” He knew. It was written all over his face.

“How do you know?” Matt walked into the room nodding towards my bed and I scooted into the middle making enough room for the two of them to lay down on either side of me.

“Work. Told him I was worried when you didn’t get up for work and asked if you mentioned being sick last night, then he told me” I noticed how his jaw clenched as he spoke obviously this wasn’t an easy situation for him.

“Why didn’t you say anything last night?” I shrugged looking up at the ceiling fan.

“I didn’t know what to say. I was still at a loss, shit, I still am.” And I would be for a while.

#david pastrnak #david pastrnak imagine #david pastrnak fic #nhl imagine #nhl fic #hockey fic #hockey imagine #falling away with you fic #i almost cried writing this #im sorry

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