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spookyxsprinkles · 3 months

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Colour Theory, pt. 1: Horizon Line

(formerly known as "Perspective")

shimura tenko × afab she/her and poc friendly reader ft. todoroki touya.

safe for work // 4.8k words // AO3 // part 2. warnings: jealousy + some actions may be considered creepy. low self-esteem, shyness, a couple of very brief musical references, family member death mention.

summary: tenko goes to art school and gets a little crush on a musical theater major.

×X×

Horizon Line -- an actual or imaginary line in a work of art representing the point at which water or land seems to end and the sky begins.

×X×

Tenko had fallen asleep before the performance had even started.

He had long lost track of how long he'd been awake for. It was the end of his second semester in university and the prestigious art program he was in made sure to keep him busy with project after project. He was running out of steam. Honestly, he had been running on fumes for weeks now.

He'd rather be in his dorm finishing his assignments instead of sitting in one of the theaters in the performing arts building. If it wasn't a requirement for Fine Arts majors to attend other Fine Arts events, he would have never set foot in this place. The noise of the attendees filling the room and the orchestra tuning their instruments in the pit was grating his sleep deprived nerves.

He grumbled and crossed his arms as someone took the seat beside him, his leg bouncing as he grabbed the program the usher had handed to him when he first entered. Tenko's bloodshot eyes were barely able to process anything more than The Phantom of the Opera on the front of the flimsy pamphlet, before shutting it and glaring at the scarlet curtains on the stage.

A few minutes later, the lights began to dim and he sighed in relief as the room quieted. He could finally catch some much needed sleep.

He tried stretching his stiff legs in an attempt to loosen himself up and closed his eyes.

Only to open them at the sound of your voice singing to him on the stage.

"Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye. Remember me, once in a while, please, promise me you'll try."

Tenko was mesmerized. Watching you on stage woke him up more than the energy drinks he'd been living off of all semester. He was absolutely immersed with your performance. He soaked in your every word and movement and before he knew it, two hours had gone by and the cast was being applauded as they bowed.

He sat in awe for a moment as the auditorium lights flicked on and he stood, shuffling through the crowd. He found a nice corner of the lobby behind a pillar as he and some other audience members waited. He skimmed through the program and found you. He whispered your name like a secret only he could ever know.

The cast slowly came out one by one and thanked the guests for coming. Tenko's eyes darted around impatiently. Finally, out came you in the white gown you wore in your final scene, looking like an angel that had come down to offer his sin-filled existence some respite.

You greeted and thanked the attendees as they praised you and handed you flowers. It was the final night of your musical and you were beaming. Tenko's fingers fidgeted at his sides as he yearned to get closer to you and experience your radiance himself.

A guest bowed and left, leaving an opening for him to approach. He took a step out from behind the pillar, but you turned at the sound of your voice coming from behind you. Tenko recognized the person as the man who played the Phantom and sighed when he saw you turn and leave the room.

When Tenko returned to his dorm, he searched your name online and found your social media. His night was spent watching your videos. He didn't realize how much time had passed until his alarm went off and he saw the sunlight peaking out from behind onyx curtains. It was time for him to get ready for class.

The semester had finished with him acing art and barely passing his core courses. It was winter break and with most students away, the campus was deserted. The thought of having no one to go home to didn't even cross his mind as he spent the break filling his sketchbooks with your image.

His second semester started off much better than the first one. His art had rapidly improved from how much he'd been practicing recently.

He found a spot he liked. It was a small outdoor table nestled between some trees on the southern campus dormitory area. The weather on this side of the country wasn't as cold as other prefectures would be in January, but there was still the occasional breeze that made his dry skin prickle up with goosebumps. It was the rain that was more likely to get him sick, although, since he was under the wide umbrella of the table, he found that unlikely and continued his sketch of you.

A week and a half later, he gulped down the last of his cold medication and slammed the container down in frustration. He leered at the harrowed reflection staring back at him on the dirty bathroom mirror. His eyes were heavy with deep bags, his skin a sickly colour, and his black hair hadn't been brushed in 2 or 3 days. He let out a sigh.

×X×

He found another spot he liked, safe from the chilling late January rain. It was in the performing arts building, in a seating area by the entrance. The art program may have been the school's top program, but the grand architecture and romantic interior design of the performing arts building clearly showed it also wasn't anything to scoff at, despite being was a few stories shorter than the building across the quad that Tenko was more familiar with. It was much noisier here, too.

Tenko had his earbuds in as he slouched on the upholstered chair, sketching, when he noticed a familiar form in the corner of his eye.

It was someone he recognized as your frequent scene partner that you seemed to be joined at the hip with, if your social media was anything to go by. Tenko felt a spark of excitement bubbling inside of him and he looked around hoping to see you, but your face was not among the crowd of students. His hope deflated to disappointment and he scratched the side of his neck. You were likely already in class.

It was ten minutes into the hour when Tenko decided to leave. He gathered his things and carried his sketchbook in his arms as he stood and walked away from the seating area.

He tripped over his feet and bumped into someone, his sketchbook flying out of his grasp.

"Oh no, I'm so sorry!!"

It was you.

Your sweet voice was full of apology as you bent down to grab his sketchbook for him. He watched in awe at how swiftly you moved. He was at a loss for words. Your fingers froze over the edge and Tenko realized what page it had landed open on.

"Is that... me?"

Your voice sounded so pretty, even when you were confused. He felt his face burning as you grabbed the sketchbook and stood. Your eyes stared down at the sketch of you he had just done while in the seating area, when he was itching to catch a glimpse of the top of your head through the crowd.

You were so close now and it was going to kill him.

"This is from my Jekyll and Hyde audition in Spring 2220, right? Back when I was trying to get the role of Lisa. I can't believe it's already been three years since then..."

You were so close now and he knew you'd think he was a creep for watching your old videos and bumping into you. You probably thought he had it all planned out, like some sort of stalker.

"Is it okay if I flip through..?"

His brain was screaming at him to say 'no, give it back' but his head nodded, unable to deny you of anything you wanted from him. Yes, there were sketches of you without any clothes on and he was well aware of how that would look, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. He would rip out his heart for you to use as a hand warmer, if you asked.

He watched with a gut wrenching mix of horror and delight as you flipped through and took your time to study every page. Drawing had always come easily for him, with hands being his favourite body part to draw. Expressions were a bit more difficult for him to feel satisfied by so he preferred to leave faces blank or smudged out. With you, he actually put in the effort to capture your expressions.

He could see your eyes carefully observe every stroke he had made and take in the details. The furrow in your brow as you focused had him contemplating whether or not he wanted to reach his hand over to your face and smooth it out or leave it perfect the way it was.

You hand him the sketchbook and he snaps out of his thoughts.

"Huh?" He had been too in his head to hear what you had said.

"Thank you, I've never had someone draw me before. It feels really nice." You say with a soft laugh.

The sound made his skin itch and the tips of his fingers tingle with electricity. He clutched his sketchbook tight enough to pale his knuckles. His nails dug into the material as he barely remembers to stop staring and nod as you offer him praise and he feels dizzy. You were so nice. Why were you so nice? To him? He wanted to speak but he couldn't decide on what to say.

"I gotta go. I'm super late to practice and my partner's going to be on my ass about it." You sighed. You wave goodbye and disappear down the hallway.

He was also a bit late to class. His figure drawing professor shot him a judgmental look as he entered the room. Tenko couldn't bring himself to care.

You knew he existed.

×X×

The weather was nice and Tenko was sketching at the outdoor table, when someone sat across from him. He looked up and saw you with an ice cream cone.

"I knew you looked familiar! You're the person that's always out here working on something."

He felt his face heating up as you took a lick of your ice cream. You were so forward. He didn't expect you to approach him again. He had chalked the positive end of your last conversation up to politeness.

"I guess you've been drawing this whole time, huh? Mystery solved. Also explains why you're so good at drawing."

"Thanks to your performances," Tenko says without thinking. He immediately panics at how creepy he sounded.

"Oh, is that why you draw me? I thought it was the outfits since the costume department goes all out. Huh, interesting."

You continue licking your ice cream while watching him and he has to look away. He felt so shy in your presence. He didn't feel worthy of your attention. You were so soft, so pretty, so talented and he was just a creep with a crush that couldn't stop himself from sketching you constantly.

He looks down at his hands as he stumbles through his nerves when he explains how watching you had helped him with movement, making his art more fluid and dynamic. When he finishes, he looks up and sees you smiling at him. The sight made his breathing hitch and he rasped out a small, "What..?"

Were you making fun of him? Is that what this was? Were you actually just here to--

"I could do some reference work for you, if you'd like?"

His eyes widened and he could feel his face heating, the corners of his lips tugging. He didn't know how to speak without making a fool of himself and he was thankful you kept talking. He was happy to sit quietly and watch you.

"We could schedule private sessions, that way it can be just the two of us without anyone interrupting."

"What?" Questioned a third, deeper voice.

The two of you look up and see your partner staring down at you while holding an ice cream cone of his own. "What kinda weird shit you getting into now?"

Your brows furrowed. "Hm? What do you mean?"

"Your wording sucks."

You took a moment to think about it and became flustered. "I didn't mean anything strange," you assured Tenko.

"Sure, pervert."

"Anyways, this is my new friend, uh..." you look over at him sheepishly, "Sorry, what's your name?"

"Shimura Tenko..." His fingers fiddle with the corner of his paper.

"Can I call you Tenko? Or is that too familiar?"

Tenko's face heated up, "Th-That's fine..."

You nod enthusiastically before looking back up at your partner. "This is my new friend Tenko. They're the artist I was telling you about!"

"Oh, so you're the creep who draws her naked."

"I-It's art..!" You defended.

"S'weird, but whatever." The man seemed bored as he licked his ice cream and took a seat in the chair beside her. "Todoroki Touya. She's like a leech so you're stuck with her now. My condolences."

You nod as you take a lick of your ice cream, "We are now bonded for life."

Tenko awkwardly looks between the two of them, unsure of what to say. The two performers end up in a conversation and he can tell you were trying to include him so that he didn't feel left out. After some bickering, Touya takes a bite out of your ice cream.

"How can you just bite it like that!? Doesn't it hurt your teeth!?"

He shrugs, "The cold never bothered me."

You hum a song from a children's movie as you pull out your phone and hand it to Tenko, asking him to insert his Line I.D. because you want to friend him. He looks between you and Touya, crimson eyes glancing at the arm the other man was lazily resting on the back of your chair.

"Is that okay..?"

You tilt your head in confusion, reminding him of a puppy. "Why wouldn't it be?"

Tenko looks from your kind eyes over to the man beside you whose turquoise pair that seemed to be blazing with fire. Tenko blinks and Touya's now impassive expression. Perhaps the dark look directed towards him was simply his mind playing tricks on him.

He typed in his username and you send him a friend request as soon as the phone is returned to you. You angle the phone above your head to take a selfie. Touya shoves his head into the frame, lazily sticking his pierced tongue out as he photobombed.

You notice the time and stand up in a hurry. "I still have that history paper due tonight and I haven't even started it yet! Bye guys!" You run off towards the student housing that happened to be across from the outdoor table, swiping your student I.D.

Tenko watched as you disappeared into the building before looking over at Touya who still sat at the table, only to find that the man was already staring at him. Tension thickened the air like smoke from a fire that made him feel almost suffocated. He opened his mouth to speak, but Touya merely scoffed at him. He finished his ice cream in a single bite and left. He watched as Touya swiped his student I.D., shooting the timid Tenko a cocky grin as he entered the same building as you.

Before he could think much of it, Tenko felt his phone vibrate and unlocked it to see you had sent him your class schedule so that you two could plan a time to meet up. He eagerly studied the photo and you sent him another photo. It was the selfie you took before you left.

"It was nice seeing you again, Tenko! Let's set up a day to hang out!! Here's a photo in case you forget who I am."

He could feel the heat rising from his neck to his ears.

You were too cute.

He could never forget you.

×X×

Over the next 3 weeks, Tenko lost track of the amount of times the two of you had hung out. Sometimes for drawing references, sometimes to eat at the dining hall, sometimes just for the hell of it. Your schedule was busier than his, so he was appreciative of the fact that you went out of your way to be with him. Especially on today, of all days.

You and Tenko sat on the floor, your backs against the mirror of the small practice room as he clutched the bag of chocolate cookies you had given him.

They were homemade, you said. You had baked them on your dorm floor's shared kitchen. They were in the shape of hearts, flowers, and there was even a bunny shaped. He didn't think he would ever forget the ache in his chest when you told him he reminded you of a bunny. The cookies had pink and red icing made with natural ingredients, which was why the palms of your hands were stained red from the beet juice. He licked his dry lips at the thought of you working hard. Just for him, too, because apparently Touya was a picky eater so you simply bought blue food colouring to use on his cookies. He swallowed anxiously as you continued speaking.

"I was hoping that maybe I'd get chocolates today."

"Isn't Valentine's Day when the girl gives the guy the chocolate..?"

You nod, "The norm is that girls give chocolates to guys on Valentine's Day then on White Day the guy can give the girl chocolates in response, but you never know! Girls can give girls chocolates, too. It happened to a friend of mine in high school, though it was the guy version of that. Anyways, why do Valentine's Day and White Day have to be gender specific? Just show the person you care about that you were thinking of them."

You sighed before continuing, "I've never gotten chocolates before. I know, it's kind of silly to whine about this, but I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic so can you blame me?" You laugh softly to yourself. "If Touya was here, he'd say yes and that it's my fault. He's always teasing me about these kinds of things." Tenko watches as you purse your lips deep in thought.

Tenko chewed his lip before quietly asking, "And Touya..? Won't he give you any on White Day?"

"Maybe, but it'll be different." You pull up your knees and hug them.

Your thighs were distracting and he struggled to keep his eyes off of them.

"The cookies I gave to Touya were obligatory chocolates, not the 'real feeling' kind you would give to someone you like. Last year, I gave Touya obligatory chocolates and he started complaining because he had already received too many sweets. I was so jealous. At least I managed to convince him to give me his chocolate."

Though he enjoyed snacks, Tenko didn't really care for the holiday. He never really had a reason to... until now.

"Tenko, have you ever gotten chocolates? I mean, other than the ones I just gave you?"

"No."

"So, I'm your first?"

He nodded, moving his head to stare down at the sketch in his lap. His fingers fiddled with the corner of the page, crumpling it more and more until it became limp from wrinkling. He had always found destroying things to be quite soothing for him.

"I..." Tenko was hesitant but decided if you were going to reject him, it was better if you did it sooner rather than later. "I used to live in an orphanage..."

In the corner of his eye, he can see you moving your head quickly to look at him. He tried to swallow his nerves as he continued speaking.

"My family died in an accident when I was five. I was sent to live with a distant relative since there was no one else and the situation was not... ideal. The kids at my new school picked up on my gloominess and shunned me. Even when my great uncle died, my presence would be deemed too unsettling to anyone that tried getting to know me."

He was too afraid to turn his head to look at you so he continued fiddling with the page, ruining more and more of it. You place your hand over his, calming the destruction.

"I used to live in an orphanage, too."

Tenko's eyes widened and he looked at you. "Are you... lying?" He whispered.

"My parents died in an accident when I was little. Wrong place, wrong time. I had no other family in Japan, so I got placed in a children's home."

His eyes scanned your face, looking for any sign of this being a trick but he could tell from the warm sincerity in your eyes that you were telling him the truth. "I don't know what to say."

You smile softly at him, "You don't have to say anything."

The feeling of your thumb rubbing circles against his thumb made Tenko's heart tremble. He wanted to swim in this feeling, to drown in your touch.

He watched your eyes glance down from his dark eyes to his lips, his breathing hitching in anticipation as you leaned in slowly to--

The practice room door opened, making the two of you flinch. Tenko missed the feeling of your hand as you leaned back and glared at the intruder.

"I thought I told you to knock before opening doors. You scared me." You folded your arms against your chest.

"I guess I won't give you my chocolates," Touya taunted as he walked over to you. He dropped his bag at the side of you Tenko wasn't on, making a loud 'thump' as it hit the wood floor.

"Chocolate!!"

Touya smirked as you opened it and pulled out a heart shaped cookie with the kanji for love written in icing.

"Whatever, eat later. We've got rehearsal."

You look up at Touya while stuffing your face before looking over at Tenko, then back at your partner. "Already? It's not for another twenty minutes."

Touya rolled his eyes and grabbed the bag before you could reach in for more sweets. "Early is on time, on time is late."

"Hey, that's what I tell you! Don't use those words against me, they sound weird coming from your mouth." You wipe your hands against a handkerchief before moving to stand up. "By that logic, you're always late."

Touya moved towards the door, beckoning you closer with the bag, "Here, doggy."

"Doggy..!?"

"If you spin around and bark I'll give you a treat."

The two of you could hear him laughing as he walked out of the room with the bag.

You pout, "That Touya... doesn't he know dogs can't eat chocolates?" You shake your head and Tenko stands, pulling his backpack on. "I guess I'll... see you later then?"

It felt kind of awkward now, but Tenko didn't mind that much. He only wished that your time together wasn't cut so short.

"Yeah..."

"Can't wait." You grin and walk out of the dance practice room together. You wave as you go down the opposite side of the hall to catch up with Touya. In the distance Tenko can hear you woof.

As Tenko exited the performing arts building, he felt his phone vibrate. He opened it and saw a selfie of you with chocolate smeared on the side of your face, while trying to shove Touya's face out of the frame and seemingly getting the chocolate on his face in the process.

He grinned. He also couldn't wait to see you again.

×X×

"Chocolate? For me?" You gaped at the small bag of chocolates.

Tenko nodded, his eyes shyly peering up at you as you grabbed the bag and opened it. "There's only four. I made more but they… got ruined…"

"They're handmade?" Your face softened at him, making his heart flutter and his fingers flex at his sides in excitement. You took a bite of one and grinned wide, covering your mouth with your hand as you spoke. "This is really good, Tenko. I didn't know you could cook."

Tenko couldn't but he wasn't going to ruin the moment by speaking. He watched as you ate. The two of you were sitting side by side at his favourite outdoor table near your dorm.

Last month, on Valentine's Day, the end of your conversation was a little awkward but thankfully it was gone the next time you guys saw each other. Once again, the two of you had hung out together a bunch of times. The biggest difference though was proximity. Tenko had noticed you getting closer and closer to him at every encounter.

"I finally received chocolates from someone. I'm really happy that it was you, Tenko."

He felt like he died and went to heaven. It would explain your presence. You just needed a halo.

"They're…"

Your eyes looking up from the bag made him nervous and he shook his head, deciding it was better if he didn't finish the sentence.

"They're what?" You ask, sensing his hesitation. "It's just me," you reassure.

"Just you..?" Just you? Just you?

You smile at him before looking down at the bag of chocolates with a pensive expression for a few moments. You look back up at him.

"Tenko."

"…Yes?" His voice nearly broke. Did he go to far? Did he?

"Even if your hair is always in your face, you're pretty cute." You reach out and brush his hair to the side, tucking it behind his ear. The warmth of your finger tips were no match for the heat flaring across his entire body at your sweet gesture.

You giggle and slowly lean in to his face. He doesn't move. He is frozen. You place a kiss on his cheek and he panics, moving further away in his chair with his hand coming up to hover over the site of your affection.

"Y-You kissed me…"

"I-- I'm-- I'm sorry! I didn’t think you would be offended by it. Are you okay?"

"What about Touya!?"

You look at him with a puzzled expression. "What about Touya?"

"He's your boyfriend, isn't he!?"

"Huh!?" You sat up straight in your seat, eyes wide with shock. "I don't have a boyfriend??"

"What.!?"

"You mean --this whole time-- you thought Touya was my--" A laugh escaped your lips for a brief second until you collected yourself, looking at him seriously. "Touya's my best friend. I mean… I did like him at one point but it wasn't reciprocated. Not that it matters, that's old news. I like you, Tenko."

The air left his lungs and he was pretty sure it wasn't going to come back anytime soon.

You liked him?

You?

Liked him?

Shimura Tenko?

Was he dreaming? Hallucinating this entire conversation? It was the only way any of this made sense.

"Here, eat some of these chocolates with me. They're really yummy. The perfect mix of sweet and salty." You pluck one from the baggy and lift it towards his lips. He stares into your eyes then down at the chocolate.

"I'd rather you eat them…"

You pout, "Okay, I won't force you."

You nibble on the chocolate and Tenko licks his lips at the sight.

"What?" You half-laugh. His eyes snap back up to yours.

"I like you, too."

"You do?" You look at him shyly. "I guess now would be a good time to tell you those chocolate cookies I gave you last month were the 'real feeling' kind?"

You've liked him for that long?

Tenko couldn't control himself anymore and, without warning, he leans in and takes your lips into a kiss. It's clumsy and awkward just like him, but you don't shove him away.

He can taste the salty sweet on your tongue as you kiss him back and though he wants to keep going, his lungs protested. He pulls back and the two of you stare at each other as he gathers his bearings.

"Was that your first kiss?" You ask.

He offers a small nod, "It was that bad..?"

"It's okay, we'll have plenty of time to practice."

Surprise filled him. "You want to d-do it again?"

You giggle, "Of course I do. As long as you're alright with it…"

"Right now? We can do it again right now?" He knew he sounded eager but he couldn't bring himself to care. He needed to feel the softness of your lips against his own.

"I like your enthusiasm." You laugh. "Let's do it when it's just us, okay? We're in public. I'm sure we can schedule in some more uninterrupted private sessions, right, Tenko?" You teased lightly.

Tenko gulped, nodding since he didn't trust his voice at the moment.

You weren't disgusted by him, you wanted to kiss him. You wanted to be alone with him. You accepted him and all his faults.

You liked him.

Tenko, impatient as he was, could wait as long as you needed him to.

He loved you.

#shimura tenko #shigaraki tomura #tenko x reader #shigaraki x reader #tenko shimura x reader #shimura tenko x reader #tomura shigaraki x reader #shigaraki tomura x reader #tenko x you #tenko x y/n #shigaraki x you #shigaraki x y/n #spookyxsprinkles #do ppl on tumblr read shiggy x reader fics #chapter 2 will be out in 2-3 weeks #i finally learned how to do the pretty gradient text html lmao #i got shadowbanned for an hour why did that happen my account is still funky :(#edit feb 17 2024: changed the wording from cis to afab she/her reader cuz it's been bothering me since i posted my first fic #- cuz ik you can be afab she/her and not be cis. i just didn't know how to word it. it really was that simple huh. def feel better now.#edit feb 17 2024 i am also adding lil dividers im editing #edit march 12 2024 fixed the timeline and academic structure hehe i am trying so hard not to delete this after rereading it

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meownotgood · 1 year

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505. / hayakawa aki x gn!reader, choking, slightly suggestive, lots and lots of angst

You hate him. You fucking hate him.

How could he do this to you again? You trusted him, he gave you his word — Fuck, how could Aki do this to himself? He promised you that he wouldn't let this happen, that he wouldn't use his cursed sword any further. He wouldn't give up more of his life, more of something you both know he can't afford to lose. But he did it again.

A moonlit night, his breath hot on your neck, bare limbs tangled under the sheets like a puzzle that isn't meant to go together, and yet, this is the same position you and him have found each other in almost every night. The headlamps from passing cars shine mosaics of light through the window, and it's there, with Aki's hands clasped in your own, fingers intertwined, and his chest rising, falling, breath coming out in short little pants — It's right here, just a few days ago, where he makes his promise to you.

He stares at you from where you lay under him like you're heaven-sent, like he can't even believe you're here, like he needs to touch you, grab you, hold you close to his heart until you mouth a promise not to disappear. His lips quiver just slightly, sweat drips from his brow. His expression takes on a familiar sort of softness. "I'm not, I won't. I swear on everything I have, I'm- I won't use it, I promise."

You should have known. Aki Hayakawa is a man who doesn't have anything left to swear on.

And that's why you hate him, that's why you can't stand him. That's why you spend your time worrying and worrying and worrying, and it's why you find yourself in his bed yet again. It's why you stumbled over to his apartment without even knowing the reason, or perhaps without even having one.

You came here without caring that it's pouring, without caring to grab your umbrella, without caring about the way the rain soaks your hair, your clothes, your skin, your bones, 'til you're sure you'll catch a cold. You came without bothering to listen to the rest of his voicemail. Hey. I have bad news. Something happened at work today, and I had to... There was something crazy, and then... I just... Fuck, you know what it is. I miss you. I'm sorry, you know I-

You let yourself in with the key that he gave you, and when Aki sees you kicking your shoes off at the door, he doesn't need to ask why you're here. It's the same reason why you're sat on top of him, your pants discarded somewhere in the hallway, his shirt half-unbuttoned, staring down at him like he came fresh out of hell.

His hair is fanned out over the sheets, dark locks messy and knotted. His hands are sprawled above his head, open and upturned; his fingers twitch when your palm cups his cheek, your touch gentle, surprisingly tender, unlike the words you spit out.

I really, really hate you.

The city lights cast shadows over the shape of his face: the curve of his jaw, the peak of his nose. When your palm lingers on his cheek, Aki half-expects you to slap him, to yell at him for being stupid with his life, but even though he's sure he deserves it, you don't. And when your thumb toys with his lips, he half-expects you to kiss him, but you don't have the mercy to bless him with that, either.

Through heavy eyelids, he watches your arms as they glide down, down, your hands coming to rest around the width of his neck. Delicate, trembling fingers hold him softly, as soft as the way the freshly washed sheets feel on his skin, as soft as the warmth from your body pressed to his.

A moment soft like the pitter-patter of the rain on the windowsill, and the resounding pitter-patter of his heart. Lovely like the way you choke him, squeezing tightly, fingertips pressed into his skin, and gentle like the only thing you can manage to muster up next.

It hurts, it hurts so bad. I love you, you know?

Aki knows. He knows it hurts, he knows it's only going to keep on hurting and hurting and hurting, and at this point he knows with the way you love him, there's nothing he can do to stop it. You say those words like it's a question, like it's something that's at all up for debate, but Aki knows, more than he thinks he's known anything in this entire world.

How could he not know? Even as you strangle him, you've got tears in your eyes, an ache in your heart, a somber, pitiful sort of look on your face. The kind of expression that makes Aki want to love you until it starts to twist into something much, much sweeter.

And you're here. You're right here, in his room, when you could be anywhere else. You're wearing his shirt (something he left at your house, most likely), your ears are pierced with his earrings (a drunken mishap, but you still intend on keeping them). His hair tie is around your wrist, and your hands are around his neck. His.

Another firm squeeze makes Aki's eyelashes flutter, it sends blood rushing to his head, it causes tingles to roll over his shoulders. His head feels fuzzy, his mind feels faint. Your touch is on his neck, palm measuring the steady drum of his pulse beneath his skin, fingertips brushing over his Adam's apple, where it bobs in his throat when he swallows.

You choke him harder, his gaze softens. You're choking him, he's losing air, he's trying to stifle little coughs and gags, and yet he stares at you with nothing but utter adoration, nothing but pure love. He holds your wrists in one large, careful hand, rubbing circles into your skin that tell you, This is okay.

If he could speak, if he had the strength to tell you all the things that hide locked away within his mind and feeble tongue, he'd want to say something like, You're beautiful, so, so beautiful. Sweet thing, you're everything to me, did you know that?

Does this make you feel better, is this what you need to forgive me? I don't care what it is, or whatever it takes. Do whatever you'd like with me. I trust you. — You squeeze rougher, hands weighed down with grief, tightened with pain, and he smiles.

Your grip starts to loosen, then. Slowly, your hands grow slack, and then they recede to desperately claw at his shoulders, to drift over the outline of his collarbones. Aki catches his breath, breathing in, out, his heart hammering in his chest.

The tears you've been trying so hard to hold back finally begin to form, droplets blooming over his skin when they fall from your lashes to land on his cheeks. Your body shakes from little sobs, your eyes screw shut. Aki reaches up with one hand, brushing stray tears from your eyes with his thumb. He touches you like he could never hurt you, so tender it makes your head spin, your stomach churn.

With the other hand, he reaches for the nightstand, fumbling to flick on the lamp. Nostalgic yellow light floods the room, and Aki winces at the sudden burn on his vision.

His voice is low. Just a little raspy, just a bit fragile, but so, so gentle: "Shh, it's okay, it's alright," Your soul shatters in the wake of his words, splintering off into pieces, scattered more and more by each and every vow — "It'll be okay, everything will be okay, I promise. I'm here, please, don't cry. I'm sorry, oh, I'm so, so sorry."

You feel weak; your back slumps, your head falls, until you're sobbing into his chest, your hands grabbing fistfuls of his shirt. And once again, you hate him; you hate the way his palm comes to hold the back of your head oh-so safely, you hate the way his breath in your ear starts to shake, you hate how you can hear every beat of his heart and you know, you know the both of you won't survive this.

You've doomed yourselves from the start. Everything was over from the very beginning, from the first time you met, from the first love-sick night you spent together. From the first time you saw Aki, all bruises and scars, tattered heart and crushingly perfect. From the first time you held him, from the first time you kissed him, you knew he was going to die. And you, your soul would die with his body, you're sure of it.

Aki sighs deeply, and his hand soothingly strokes the back of your head. You're still so cold, clothes and hair still damp from the rain. Thunder crackles from somewhere outside. The bedside lamp flickers for the briefest moment. Aki holds you tighter, closer to himself, and he grasps the covers, pulling them over where the both of you lay. Warmth settles over you like a dreamy cocoon, and your body stills. The two of you, pressed together, like pages of the same tragic little book.

The rain drums against the window, on and on and on. Aki's heart settles to a rhythmic thump, each heartbeat in tune with your own. It's a long while before you feel ready to speak again, your voice breaking the thick silence: "How long? How long did the curse tell you?"

Aki hesitates. His eyes flutter open, and he stares absently at the dull shadows on the ceiling. You swear you can feel the slightest tremor in his fingers. How long does he have left to live? He takes a deep breath, and then answers honestly.

"Two years."

Two years is twenty four months is seven-hundred-something days until he's gone. He had thousands. He'll probably die even sooner. God, you hate this.

That's it, two years, just two, stupid fucking years — It seems like a lot, but a few weeks ago it was five years, a few months ago it was fifteen. Six months ago, you were sitting on his balcony, arms interlocked, drinking cheap beer from the corner store, laughing without a care in the world for tomorrow. Four months ago, you were watching as Aki lights a cigarette, his palm cupped around the flame; You shouldn't smoke, you say like a plea, and he replies, Don't worry, I've got plenty of time left. This won't be what kills me, anyway.

You can't help but huff a dry sort of laugh. Aki asks something that sounds like, What is it? and you bury your nose into his chest further. There's a tiny tinge of hope that maybe he won't hear you.

"You're gonna destroy me, Aki."

#im still shadowbanned so reblogs are very much appreciated #collapses on the floor kicking and screaming #aki hayakawa #aki hayakawa x reader #aki x reader #csm x reader #chainsaw man x reader #aki x you #aki hayakawa x you

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