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#im starting to feel like myself again which is great
pepprs · 9 months
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all my attacks for art fight 2023!!! team werewolves ftw 🐺🎨✨
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luxrayz64 · 2 months
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if strahm was in splatoon he'd be a dualies user I know that shit in my soul. front lines, fast as fuck, obnoxiously hard to kill, good at starting shit and killing opponents, rushes in without thinking and dies. dualies!
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sanchoyo · 1 year
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i start that new job tomorrow 😶 ...
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mejomonster · 1 year
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Truly genuinely beyond happy my feelings of hunger are back and normal and regularly occurring again after the hellscape that was the past year
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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#how am i feeling? i am not feeling good#ok i feel better than i did 5min ago. itll b fine but Jesus#so basically what happened is its supposrd to snow tomorrow night so i have to get some sampling done tomorrow morning#and i do not like big short notice changes. there's like a 30% i will flip out#and the sampling i have to do is at 3 sites that i would love to never step into ever again. i have so much bitterness and hate toward that#study. it was the start of the end. and by the end i mean the epic downward spiral that was my 2022 experience#so ngl i wish they would catch on fire. but not really bc theyre long term study sites that have been going since like the 80s#anyway. i have to do that tomorrow. also also in sampling these sites im adding 80 samples to my list#which means ill be taking measurements for an extra 5 days 🤪 thats gonna be at least 39 days of measurements 🤪🤪🤪#and last time i did this i starting losing my god damn mind. and i cant do that now bc i have to pretend ive got everything together#so yeah im just at the stage of anticipating pain for the start of all that and ive gotta get up early tomorrow and its already late#and i spend like an hour crying into an excel spreadsheet so my eyes r tired#so ya kno its good. its all good. good good good. great. im soooo happy#and i do not at all feel the urge to throw myself to the ground screaming like a toddler#im just standing here in this grave ive dug myself over the past year and now its time for the universe to start burying me#hhhh... i should sleep. so my brain works at least a little tomorrow 🙃#itll b fine. ill get to talk to a lab mate i dont usually see and itll be fine#unrelated
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arthur-r · 1 year
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i went to sleep an hour ago but i can’t actually fall asleep for some terrible mixture of anxiety and caffeine and being scheduled wrong from all of the winter break sleeping incorrectly compared to school. anyway i have a stomachache (anxiety variety) scary high heart rate (anxiety variety? caffeine variety? just my heart being stupid as usual? probably all of the above) and also terrified of living with my dad for the next week. and i was drinking a caffeinated beverage past 5 pm today because. i was really stupid and let that happen without thinking about it. so there are so many things getting in between me and a good nights sleep to get to school in the morning. doesn’t help that i’m stressed about school itself too or that my irl friends are constantly hanging out like literally all of them i try not to be offended if like tara and elanor hang out together without me cause everybody is allowed to have smaller on their own engagements but it’s like literally every friend i have!! like i have maybe fifteen friends total in my school and there was like ten of them were all ice skating together on new years and went to a play together and did all of these things that i wish i were invited for. and so i’m stressed about a lot of things at once and it’s no good
#anyway in other news i’m making a bigger endeavor drawing than i’ve done in a long time and it’s not very well shaped but im really proud of#the details and like the way that im doing it even if it doesn’t look good altogether im proud of the textures and everything#i haven’t done anything that wasn’t just a sketch in a long time so i never just work on textures and im proud of myself so far#however it was supposed to be a four part thing that im supposed to finish in four days. while also doing homework. so#i don’t think it’s going to be possible to do all that with such a detail oriented approach shdhdf#i’ll try my best though!! and if i’m late i’m late. nobody really expects anything out of me in an art front which is pretty nice i guess#but it’s mostly because i’m not very good and don’t practice enough. shdhdhdf#but like i said i am actually proud of this picture!! i’m just scared that it’s secretly terrible. classic way to feel really#but anyway i hyperfocused on that for two hours which is like. haven’t done that since like before school started#and so now i’m in a really weird headspace. and yeah. waking up in seven hours#this is so stupid i really wish i could just be asleep right now regular but it’s not happening#and i have a terrible stomachache that i don’t think is going to go away until it’s my mom’s turn to raise us again#and like. i don’t even like getting parented by my mom!! she’s made me cry multiple times per day all week actually!!#but at least i don’t think she’s going to get drunk and throw things or hurt my little sister or break something important to me#and that’s kind of what i’m constantly living in fear of currently. my dad is physically scarier and more dangerous. so i’m anxious. a lot#anyway i keep having nightmares and i hate it i wish anything would just go right for once. i should probably try to sleep again it’s just#it’s not working and i just wish i could fix it but i can’t. i really would like a hug and to be somewhere else#anyway i’m going to try again i guess probably. but i’m just so frustrated and i wish anything could be different offline#like i’m so lucky to have the friends i do in wext and my mutuals here but. if i can’t see you in real life my life is still kind of#objectively bad. like i cant really figure anything out that i have going for me irl. band?? i don’t even know. so yeah. it’s just not great#and i would like to feel better but i don’t. sorry for venting. goodnight!!#me. my post. mine.#vent cw#abuse cw#alcohol cw#ask to tag!!#delete later
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magnoliamyrrh · 1 year
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#okay so like#that was technically a nightmsre but like holy shit it was so cool#??? great movie plot and all i suppose and very dramatic presentation lmaoo shoutout to my subconscious#good one#i dont remember all of it but we were like in a castle or something and there seemed to b some sort of spirit (?)#which already got to one person#and idk twords the end it was like me there other two young women and a witch(?). i guess we brouyht her to deal#with the issue idk? so. she goes on abt how this and that needs to b done and how essentially we have to do some ritual to be bound#to some goddess for the sake of protection or something. so i was like. okay#(protection from whatever tf was in the castle)#so i lay down on this table partially naked my two friends (?) and myself quite anxious and the witch starts to paint in black paint (?)#char (?) mostly geometric symbols and runes over my entire body (which were cool as hell) and chanting things and whatever while#my friends are like. getting more anxious but im starting to kinda fall asleep under whatever spell#and i manage to ask the witch before its over - so the deal is. a part of myself in exhange for protection - yes? asking for confirmation#again#and she replies something along the lines - she only asks for your service (or smthing like that) and i was like. that i can do. but#i didnt pick up on the slight edge in the tone lmao. so. the spell gets completed. i pass out or die or i feel my soul sink down and leave#my body and im like okay cool. waiting to be returned into my body now that the ritual is technically over. for a second i get scared but#then. i seem to open my eyes. i seem to move my hands and get up and stand up off the table. except i realize very quickly that. im not in#my body. the witch and ppl are gone and. im essentially just a ghost not attached to the actual body which i still laying there. and then.#i realize there are. so many. and i mean so many. versions of myself in this ghost form in a state of absolute fucking insanity throughout#the castle. like Losing it badd like screaming nonstop banging against shit sitting around hysterically muttering etc etc just. the entire#hall that im in is just fucking full of them. and i realize. those are the other versions of me which have woken up just like i did rn#and realized the body had been stolen and were trapped like this. and theyd all been losing their minds for god knows how long. and now.#im just version 473839 of myself which has tried to wake up in a desperate attempt but still found myself unbound to body and trappee#so. i feel like im abt to lose it in 5 seconds flat as bad as the other ghost versions of me are. bc this shit is horrifying. like more#horrifying than just waking up alone would have been. and then idk?? fucking?? dramtic movie shots around the castle bc my brain was on#some directing shit. and like it pans out but then focuses at some point on this painting on the wall. which i realize is a painting of one#of the dudes in the castle which seemed to have been possessed or affected by whatever we brought the witch to fix. but. taking a closer#look (w the overlapping screams of my several selves in the background). i see that. the dude in the painting seems alive. hes Stuck in the
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dirt-str1der · 1 year
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People call kazumaji one sided and theyre kind of right but i find it so funny to think if majima gets incapacitated one day and kiryu is walking the streets with an unloaded pistol in his belt (bait for frisking) like where is officer majima :(( he said hed be near the batting center ... because hes been so spoiled by the constant attention that when his stalker disappears hes like im so bored and alone ...
#Listen to my problems#i want to think of kiryu as spoiled because hes really been raised on so little .... just an excess of affection though. since hes always#‘the favourite’ i really think he tends to take for granted that hes majimas favourite which makes me fucking scream whenever i think of#saejima (seajima) receiving ALLLL of majimas undivided attention and getting orbited by him and he really returns that love with just as#much force as majima does ... kiryu looks at this and hes thinking Damn ! (bruno mars when i was your man starts playing). i really like to#think of this all the time because kiryu is absolutel and embarrasingly jealous but hes convinced that he didnt deserve all that attention#in the first place and it was kind of forced onto him but he never expected that majima likes someone else as much as he likes kiryu ?? even#more than that actually ??!! logically he knows that you cant just compare love like that but at the same time hes like hmph !!!! and then#spirals into the ‘ill see myself out then since im clearly unwanted’ pipeline#because once again kiryu cannot grasp that hes important to people and double somehow sees himself as easily replaced#its easy for him to help people hes never met of course ... you establish a rapport with a strabger and paint yourself as someone useful#eith zero emotional attachment involved ... but when it comes to your friends and family how do you speak to them :.: thinking avout when#nishikiyam was going to euthanise kiryu and broke down crying becsuse he cant snd hes like i still need you im nothing without you !!! and#kiryu was like. yeah. i feel the same way ... despite already pulling off some amazing stuff by himself while nishikiyama seems to be#stagnating .... use their own words on them because you cant come up with something true and beautiful on your own can you. cant say i dont#feel the same way either ... sorry this was supposed to be bout kiryu finding it difficult to imagine that someone whos established a great#deal of time and edfort in him suddenly takes interest in someone else worse that someone else was his og squeeze and YOURE the ‘other’#woman !! i really think kiryu sees majima hanging off saejima (seajima) and hes like i gotta go. say your last goodbyes yo will literally#never see me again adios. he cant even place the freling of jealousy because he thinks its nonsensical when hes laid no claim to majima in#the first place so he just attempts to amputate himself from the rest of the body and majima is like ?? we havent even had sex yet ??#all roads lead to kazumaji btw#wow i fell asleep before posting this last night but im still feeling it. i was right
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this is actually not hot girl shit- major ed and body image cw
i will neverr romanticize or encourage eds so i will not refer to my restrictive behaviors as "hot girl shit" as i do with all my other mental health things. bc in 2013 it was literally like. genuinely unironically saying that "hot girls don't eat" and ill never reinforce that narrative.
that said, i put on my jeans and they were a little big to wear w a crop top. so i put my belt on and my belt is wayyyy too big, even on the smallest loop I could fit at least a whole fist in the space between it and my waist
so I was like. huh that's weird. so i weighed myself for the first time in months. and i - this is not a flex. but i have not seen a number that low since freshman year when the eating disorder SPECIALIST turned me away bc my case was too severe
#shut up hanna#ed cw#body image cw#like. jesus#maybe we can say part of it is bc i havent been dancing so ive lost muscle. thats probably true#but it. i mean JESUS#thats what i said out loud when i saw the number#and i hate to say it. but. beneath my shock and panic of knowing im really getting sick again. i felt good#its. idk what im feeling. i dont wanna say im proud of myself#bc i. like. ive never been more fucking miserable#but like.......it.............at least I have something#i may not have anyone. i may not have anything but my cat. but#now i have this#again#the thing that makes it challenging is that I developed it sooooo fucking young that like#i grew up w it. it was with me through my developmental years. i dont remember NOT having it#and even when im doing okay or even GREAT. its still there. breathing over my shoulder. but i could brush it off or ignore it#the SECOND you start slipping. the MOMENT youre weak. thats when it comes back.#and all of a sudden youre terrified to eat again and all of your food is going bad and your stomach hurts and u feel like shit#but u Cannot. get urself to eat Anything. besides ur safe foods maybe once a day. which is still less than half the calories u should have#and i dont remember how to live without it i dont remember how to be normal#so. maybe its a good thing all my fucking friends went to a restaurant without me. i probably would have panicked anyway 🤪#nah but that's part of it too yk knowing that they dont want me around. it makes it so even more#it feels like this is all i can do to cope#and i wont put my specific behaviors or safe/fear foods on here either#but its. frustrating i dont have a place to fully talk abt all of it#(im back in therapy but i only had the intake appt and its over the phone)
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parkinglothater · 1 year
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Can't sleep... this week has been both heaven and hell
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carcinized · 2 years
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WOOO 🎉 getting my life together hash tag BOSS !
#i SHOWERED and HAD DINNER and PLANNED for my FUTURE#nevermind all the things that r wrong and especially nevermind the living fucking beetle i found in my hair in the shower O-o#its. been a hot second since i showered 💗💗 he was just hanging out. when the episode depressives. ick that was gross#hes gone now im all clean no more bugs on me. i hope#but like woo!!! figured out my priorities for the next few months; like making moneys more important for me rn than school#& bc of my uncommon class schedule i made for myself im gonna have GREAT working hours#& not too many acedemic classes. besides chem & my funky humanities cryptid class i only have 2 academic classes?#<- i leave those 2 classes out bc theyre both things i learn about for FUN already#unless i switch out of choir for spanish which is feeling kinda likely rn for . reasons. love u choir but its gonna be different#might try and find a choir outside my school. why the fuck not. maybe i'll join a barbershop group#bc the choir in my school is. deteriorating like i'll get WAY more from a spanish class than a choir class#& spanishs not hard for me so like . why not man#SORRY THIS IS A LOT OF THOUGHTS. BUT LIKE. idk im just organizing myself. i need an aim thats why i feel like im floating#i just need smth to work on. i dont have people to ground me rn but i can work on getting myself stability for the future#and who knows maybe starting up school (and getting HOME) again will be stabilizing even if its all going to be vastly different#priorities r changin. this is good i'll be happier this way probably#anyways. yeah sorry im jsut.. thinkin. bout life. yeah#tobin talks
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barredandromeda · 1 month
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imsoo normal about guys byw
#sprry this is the start of my downfall im actually going to theow up and vomit and die#fronting daily actually sucks!and i have no restraint on my curiiusity and i have to figure shit out and i literally want to die#cause like i found out shit i didnt want to and its entirely my fault too bro i cant even be upset cause i went looking for it ughhh#i should be allowed to die afterschool so i dont have to feel anything else tbh thatd be a pleasure great thing whwatever#this is genuinelky the repeat of my downfall again literally september all over again and its just march jesus fucking fhrist bro need todi#the nervous system is so dumb what is ooottfvgvsh or whagevr i hate that dumbass acronym i hate healrhcare#serenity save me 🙏 save me serenity 🙏 come home#everyone keeps sayng that but qith donald trump#anyway back to me i need to scream and not just to serenity cause i feel bad🤭 no emojis are tood enougu anymore bro im going to kms#killing myself so fucking hard like a vampire driving a stake through his heart sort of shit ykwim like a siren drowning ro sokething poeti#save me sid 🙏 sid save me actually hed laugh at me for hthis lowkey which is soo deserved cause real bro why am i breaking down at midnight#on a dchool day too bro again and again i dont want to go to mf schooll and be obsessed w k. hes fine but i genuinely cant do my work#lowkey would iet be weird to talk to my ex ab my relationship with him cause like yea i miss him ykwim and i need closure but i got a crush#cause like on one hand its like i was the one who brokenup ykwim like even if the circumstances werewei4d whatever its like why would i hav#the right to even bring it up and i alr crushed on a new guy and like ignoring the uguult i do like him ughh broni want to kms#i love love i just dont love lvoe for myself cause ugh bro i hare one guy idc ab his crushes but he made me hear ab them lke idc idek him#sorry u had a bad experience w bi girls like idk what u want me to say ??? surprise me too ??? tff ugh i hate love girls#i need a gf but the thoigjt of liking a girl genuinely deeply scares me to my core cause i like girls but ppl dont like that i do ykwim#all mu friends are fucking gay bro idek why im so worried ab liking girls like who is there to disappoint but myself and my entire family#noo pressure qt all being oldest and queerest like ok yeah its midnight happy new years. i need this blanket tobsuffocste me#sleep wrappedup alr like a borito burito i dek and its not enoughh i need a soul crushing embrafe to sleep#ok im done i got post vent clarity i need to sleep#post#erics tag#delete later#serenity needs this as a ref in the morning#i beed my mom to cry to but j cant tell her any of this id rather be eaten alive by bugsbro and if i just cry to her without a reason#shell fs go througj my phone and fimd out why anyway so wjats the pointtt my god i tqlk too much and vent too much#gota flair forbthe dramatics ivguess mb
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yo9urt · 4 months
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my birthday :)
#mine#ill update my bio in a sec zzzzzzzzz#going to have burgers (rahhhh america) and cake for dinner very excited about it#also going to start my 2nd beegee3 run which is going to be my first dark urge run!!!!!!#VERY excited!!!!!!!#i made a lot of mistakes and missed a lot of things in my first run so im going to try to rectify that here#i'm going for a resistant durge angle and im also going to romance ast4ri0n again (no surprise)#ive heard a lot of good things about resistant durge x spawnst4ri0n (and i can see in my mind why they would be great together)#so i'm really excited !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i think it's going to be a lot of fun :D i'm going to make a storm s0rcerer m3ph1stopheles t13fling#(again sorry for the numbers i just dont want to show up in search results)#during my first run i restricted myself from starting new runs for multiple reasons (partially because i was just really engaged and didnt#feel the need to make a new guy but also because ive heard a lot of people talk about act 1 burnout + never finishing runs etc#and i was like i want to play this game through (so i can read spoilers + understand the story better) and avoid all that trouble#that other people seem to have)#but i might let up on that rule juuuust a little bit because to be honest part of me wants to do another normal tav run purely because i#missed so much stuff the first time around and i know playing as durge is going to add a fuck ton of story content and events#and change a lot of things#but then at the same time i HAVE rough ideas for future characters and part of me wants to wait until i finish a durge run#so that i know what that looks like (and i can read spoilers) and from there i can make informed decisions#about which characters should be durge and which should be normal#like i would hate to make a new tav partway through my durge run and then later realize that character would have been better as a durge#or vice versa#so. we'll see...
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sammygender · 1 year
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*shoving a pile of my writings and song lyrics from between 2019-current at anyone who dares talk to me about my ex* here so this is the required reading to have an opinion on this subject-
#me when i try and explain the complexity of it all to new friends who ask me about it curiously in a couple words without making myself seem#like an insane and crazy ex (which i am)#'complexity'.. its not complex! its really very simple! girl meets boy (thinks hes a girl). girl and boy date.#girl and boy are both quite traumatised individuals. girl is emotionally unavailable and a little gaslighty#starts off as unaware of boundaries#enjoys intensity#as soon as its boys turn to be intense she hates it#boy is emotionally overbearing and a little manipulative. though he starts off as probably the most closed off person youll ever meet#lets his guard down but girl liked it better when his guard was up. so did boy but now hes opened it up he cant close it again#boy tries very hard to be good. girl switches between extremes of 'we'll stay together forever' and 'im going to kill myself tomorrow'#she never filters herself#not ever#boy lets her because its good for her though bad for him. he doesnt care about 'bad for him'#hes very careful at first always filters himself but the way she talks to him means he stops doing so. its very easy to let yourself slip.#you always think you wont and youre better than that and youd never get that codependent and obsessive and attached but the thing is when#the person youre closest to in the world does it all the time it starts to feel only natural that youd do it too#so you get a little unhealthy and a little codependent and start being very emotionally open#of course thats when she decides its not great#something you thought from the beginning#now youre both fucked up. shit#so boy and girl have difficulties. theyre 13/14/15. fuck#course they do! course they have difficulties!#and boy and girl break up for a night then they get back together. kiss for the first time the day after the breakup#year later boy and girl break up for reals. takes a while but they get there#SO. in summation: girl meets boy. not boy meets girl#not at all#because its her that meets him shes the main character hes the manic pixie dream girlboything that changes her life for the better and then#for the worse#or for the better fuck hell if i know#oliver talks
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luvyeni · 3 months
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❛A VERY HAPPY ENDING❜ ( l. felix )
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p. masseuse!felix x fem!reader w. 2.3k
warnings? fingering, boob play, oral ( f. receiving ), uprotected sex, cum eating
— 𖦹 ( you're in need of a break and to relax, so your friend makes you a well needed reservation at a massage parlor ) !
authors note. i suddenly remember when felix would go around and give people massages and i came up with this, so enjoy 😁.
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“Jesus yn, what the hell happened in here?” your roommate entered your room. “it’s like a tornado hit your room; did this, left — spun the block and hit it again.” She said, stepping over the pile of clothes on the floor to your bed. “im sorry I didn’t have enough time this week to clean, too busy at work.”
“looks like you didn’t have the time to do your hair and anything else, you look like a hobo.” You clicked away at your keyboard, rolling your eyes. “did you come in here to insult me?” you questioned. “cause that could’ve been a text.”
“I came in here to tell you that you need to take a break, you’re working yourself to death.” She voiced her concerns. “im fine.” You said. “baby no you not and that’s okay, we can fix that cause you can’t keep living like this.” She was right, — your job had recently had layoffs and you and the rest of the people that were spared were worked to the bone to replace the missing people; which meant more work and long hours, so you didn’t have much time to do anything.
“living like what?” you turned in your chair. “babe when was the last time you had any me time?” you shrugged. “maybe about a month ago, I think.” She sighed. “exactly you need to relax, that’s why as your roommate and the bestest friend in the world, I took the liberty of scheduling us both for a massage at my favorite masseuse parlor this weekend.”
“I don’t have time this weekend there’s a— nope I don’t want to hear it.” She covered her ears. “you’re gonna put the laptop down this weekend and go out and have some relaxation time.” She said. “even if I have to drag you out myself.”
You sighed, knowing your friends wouldn’t back down unless you agreed. “fine we’ll go.” She clapped, standing up. “great!” she chipped. “its gonna be great, I swear you’ll feel like a new woman after this.” She said hugging you; before making her way to the door, looking around the room once more. “and maybe then you’ll come to your senses and clean this pigsty.” She scrunched her nose up in disgust before leaving out.
The next few days were busy and finally Friday rolled around and the weekend was finally here. That evening you got home and your friend was already going at your room claiming ‘we need to get this together before we become new women.” You sighed, dropping your bag; changing your clothes before you also jumped in and you tackled the crazy that was your room; you both finished; covered in sweat from the deep clean. “girl you better be paying me fore that.” Your friend huffed. “I worked like a damn dog.”
“thank you.” You said, ready to take a shower and hop into bed. “no problems girl.” Your friend hopped up. “now get some sleep cause our girls day starts at 10:30 am sharp.” She skipped out her room. “and make sure to tidy up down there.” She pointed to your below area. “why do I need to do that?” you crossed your legs. “just listen to me, and do it goodnight.”
“is it noticeable.” You said looking down; had it been a long time? “no.” you scoffed getting your pajamas ready. “shes crazy.” You said, thinking for a minute. “well it couldn’t hurt anyone.” You grabbed a new razor from your nightstand before making your way into the bathroom.
The next day you a woken feeling a little bit more refreshed than usual; sleeping in a little later than normal and in a clean room really was nice. You woke up, getting ready for the day with your roommate.
You spent the whole morning and early afternoon out with your roommate; getting your hair and nails done, shopping for new clothes and other things for the apartment. It was almost time for you both to head over to the massage place; so you stopped for lunch then headed right over.
“we’re here.” She pulled into the parking lot. “it even looks fancy outside.” You stepped out of the car. “I booked our appointments for a least busy time so it should be empty so we won’t have to wait long.” You both walked into the place, standing at the front desk. “hello?” you friend tapped the bells and a boy came scurrying out.
“hello, welcome to our day spa, do you both have a appointment?” he said. “yes we do its under (f/l/n).” he typed down on the computer, your friend turned to you mouthing ‘he’s cute’ to which you shook your head at her antics.
“oh here it is.” He laughed after struggling to find it. “which one of you is scheduled for felix and which one of you is scheduled for changbin?” you turned to your friend. “does it matter?” she nodded. “changbin is much muscular and he hits all the right places “ you furrowed your eye brows. “you seem to know a lot about this place.”
“if I may?” the man in front of you said. “felix is very good too, he’s the most popular here, everyone always asks for him.” You nod, well if he’s good that’s all that matters, anyway a massage is a massage. “okay.”
He guided you both to two different rooms. “you can go in there and you there, they both should be here soon so you can get undressed and wait.” He walked away. “undressed?” you turned to your friend. “yeah you have to fully be undressed.” She said. “is that why you told me to shave?” she winked, walking into her room shutting the door. “crazy.” You walked into your room closing the door.
You stripped down to your underwear, taking the towel, wrapping it around your waist, pulling your panties down your leg, sitting them down on your pile of clothes — just as the door opened, making you jump, covering your chest. “oh im sorry I thought you’d be laying down already.” He said. “its okay.” You said. “I was just finishing up.”
“well you can lay down now and we can start.” He dimmed the lights. “I can light candles if you want.” You smiled, nodding. “thank you.” You laid down, your boobs hitting the cold leather, making you hiss at the sensation. “you okay?” felix finished lightning the last candle. “y-yes im fine.” You felt your face heat up that he heard that noise. “okay we can get started now.”
You rested your head on your arms; you felt a warm liquid hit your back, making you flinch. “is it too hot?” you shook your head. “just shocked me a little.” You heard him chuckle. “don’t be scared, its just eucalyptus and peppermint oil.” He explained, you felt him rubbing it along your back, you sighed at his touch. “it helps with inflammation and pain.”
The boy in the front was right; he was a godsend with his hands, it’s like he knew you like the back of his hand, hitting all the right places, your body slowly began to relax. “you seem so tense, do you work a lot?” he asked. You hummed. “its not good to work like that, too much stress can cause a lot of knots and that causes pain.” He pressed down on one spot that made your eyes shoot open; a low whimper coming out of your mouth.
“oh , im sorry.” You cursed at yourself, embarrassed at how it just slipped out. “that’s good, it means I’m doing a good job.” He said. “don’t be embarrassed.” He said in a low soft tone, his deep voice sending a wave of arousal in your gut. “let out all the noises you want.”
His hands moved to your side, rubbing them gently; making his way up to the side of your boobs. “is this okay?” you hummed, pretty sure at this point you’d let him do whatever he wanted as long as he kept talking to you like that.
His hands rubbed the sides of your bust gently, you bit your lip to contain any noises that tried to force their way out. “you don’t have to hide them.” He said. “I want to hear them.” You couldn’t for the life of you wrap your head around why this stranger has such an effect on you; but you didn’t stop the next noise that came out of your mouth. “fu-fuck.”
He worked down your back, right above your ass, where the towel covered, pressing down. “its seems really tense here.” He pressed down harder, you whimpered. He worked down to your legs, pushing the towel to sit right above your thighs. He poured some more warm oil on your legs, rubbing your calves, making his way up to your thighs — dangerously close to your bare bottom.
Felix never would’ve done this with another client; he would’ve stopped right at your back — but he couldn’t help it, you were making so much noise and he had to admit; it was turning him on, a lot — and he wanted to see how far he could go.
His hands were entering dangerous territory as he rubbed the in of your thighs, you could feel the heat of his fingers on your cunt, he could easily touch it if he wanted — and you really wanted him to.
It’s like he read your mind cause his next words made your heart race. “if you want me to touch you, you have to say something.” He said. “I wont do anything you don’t want me to.” He said. “i-I want you to.” You said breathlessly. “then turn around.”
You turned on your back, his hands work all the back up to your boobs, gently cupping them; you let out a soft moan. “let me hear you.” He pinched your bud, your back arched up; giving him the leeway to undo the towel, your bare cunt for him to see — thank god you shaved. “so pretty.” His hands travel down to your pussy, lightly touching it. “pl-please.”
“you want me to touch you?” you nodding. “ye-yes.” He smiled, his hand spreading your legs; fingers grazing your clit. “good you used your words.” He rubbed your clit, spreading your folds. “such a pretty cunt.” He whispered. “so soft.” He pushed a finger inside of you. “so wet.” He moved his fingers in and out of you, curling the to hit that gummy spot inside of you. “you gonna cum, I can feel you clenching.” He used the pad of his thumb to rub your clit. “you can cum.”
And just like that you were on his finger, moaning out loud. “so loud.” he sat on the massage table in front of your breathless naked body. “I want to hear more.” He kissed your neck, climbing on top of your body to leave little kisses down the valley of your breath, taking a nipple into his mouth as he sat on his knees in between your legs, his hard cock evident as he pressed it against your cunt.
“sh-shit.” You moaned as he grinding his hips against you, sucking on your nipples. “pl-please fuck me.” That was all he needed, before he undid his pants freeing his hard cock. “you sure you want to do this?” he said. “im a stranger and — I want this, please.” You needed this, you needed him to fuck you. “please fuck me.”
He pressed his tip against your cunt, pushing himself inside of you. “oh fuck you’re so tight.” He slowly worked himself in and out of you. “you need to relax, you’re so tense I can barely -fuck- I can barely move inside of you.” You whined as he used the pad of his thumb to rub your bud. “that’s it.” He sighed. “open up for me.”
He moved his hips fluidity, his cock hitting all the spots your vibrator just didn’t. “fe-felix.” His name flowing right out of your mouth as he worked his way in and out of you. “fe-feels so good.” He moved faster, you felt your orgasm approaching. “im gonna cum.” Your voice was shaky as your clenched tightly around him.
“fuck me too.” He grunted, he moving faster. “felix im cumming.” You gasped, the knot in your stomach snapping as you came. “shit you’re too tight.” He moaned, his orgasm approaching quickly. “shit.” He pulled out as fast as he could, cumming all over your cunt. “fuck.”
“one more.” He said, his face near your cunt. “I want to give you one more.” He licked your folds, the taste of your cunt and his cum on his tongue was dizzying. “fu-fuck.” You were feeling overstimulated at the point, but you still felt your third orgasm approaching fast. “oh fuck.” You gasped. “fuck im gonna cum!” thinking he was gonna move away, but he didn’t he stayed there drinking up all you have to offer. “fe-felix.” You had to push his head away to keep him from going on.
He pulled away, wiping his mouth; your body was fully relaxed by now; the service time was probably long over. “shit my boss is gonna kill me.” He quickly redressed himself, helping you get dressed. “that sounded harsh, I really liked it.” He said, you laughed, pulling your shirt down. “I understand, my friend has probably called me a thousand times.” You pulled out your phone, and believe it or not there were no phone calls from her, but two text messages.
(friends name)🩷| I told you you’d like him…
(friends name)🩷| have fun girl, I’ll wait in the car😉
Your face burned with embarrassment. “I would like to see you again.” He said. “me-me?” he nodded. “yes, if that’s okay.” You nodded. “I would love to see you again.” He smiled, as you gave him your number. “lets see each other soon.” He nodded. “is the weekend coming up okay?” he wanted to see you as soon as he could — he needed to. “We can get dinner and maybe see a movie.” He moved closer to you, caging you against the bed a smirk on his face.
“and I can give you a even better happy ending than today, only if you’re good though.”
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©️LUVYENI
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lovingmattysposts · 5 months
Text
Mustang
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"we'd make out in your mustang to radio head"
"Never thought that one day, i'd be losing you"
pairing: y/n and matt sturniolo
summary: It was hard for you to be back in Boston, because Boston brought back memories you tried so hard to forget. You missed what you had here, you missed who you had here. And he was everywhere and you missed him so bad.
warnings: sooo much fluff but really sad, cursing, sadness, mentions of being turned on?? but thats the only suggestive part
i wrote this literally based on my life because I drive a mustang and love matthew sturniolo so I hope you love it too
xoxo, Autumn
I sighed as I dropped my bag into my old room, before collapsing into the bed.
I hated being home from college, but I also didn't it was a weird divide between my brain. It's filled with great memories, but also sad ones.
It just mainly make me think of the triplets, well mainly Matt. We were all really close in high school, but once I went of to college in MaryLand and they moved to L.A we drifted apart. Well that wasn't the first time.
We started to drift apart when Matt and I broke up. Neither of us took the break up well at all. We were both miserable. Obviously Nick and Chris, wanted to be their for their brother so they weren't there for me as much as I would hope.
Which now looking back it was a absolute insane thing to get angry over, it's their brother, they were going to support him no matter what. But i was young and I was hurt so I took my emotions from the breakup and pushed it on Nick and Chris for not being there for me.
The breakup was mutual, and not in the oh-he-broke-up-with-me-and-im-too-embarrassed-to-admit-it "mutual breakup". No, it was genuinally mutual. We both were in love deeply with one another and neither of us wanted to breakup at all.
One stupid fight over how we were going to work coast-to-coast and that was it. It was weird really. A really weird feeling when one minute you're in love and the next minute one stupid fight and it makes everything change.
We were just two scared teenagers who were too prideful to admit they were scared to lose one another to life. Living without Matt was a hard thing to grasp, because I never thought there would be a time where we weren't together.
I guess I got over it or at least tried to when I went off to college. I went on dates, kissed a few boys, even hooked up with one. But there was always a voice in the back of my head screaming "they aren't Matt"
It was weird kind of breakup. After the final goodbye that night, we never spoke again. Even living in the same city for three months after that until I went of to college and he moved to LA, we didn't speak once. And we hadn't in three years.
I forced myself not to check what he was doing, literally throwing my phone across my dorm room, just so I wouldn't check. It was hard since his entire life was online. Mine wasn't. It was easy for him to forget. It wasn't for me.
It really is hard to remember what their lips feel like when you kiss them for the last time and don't even know it.
Even three years after the breakup, every time I come to Boston I think of him. There were picture of him and I still plastered on my photo wall in my bedroom, I still haven't gotten the courage to take them down. I still had one of his shirts that was tucked away in my "stay home clothes" and I haven't taken it out since.
I especially think of him when I'm driving around in my Mustang. Since I didn't register it to my college, I left it at home along with all of the memories inside of it that I think of every time I get behind the wheel of that damn Mustang.
I just needed to go on a drive. To clear my head and to get my mind off my high school boyfriend. I stood up walking out of my brother and mumbling a quick bye to my parents and walking outside to the cold air.
I took my keys out of my sweatshirt and unlocked the car, pulling on the handle but pausing as I felt a memory wash over me.
-
"Matt" I giggled trying to push him off of me. He smiled against my neck and attempted to pin my arms down. "Whattt?" He smiled as his lips attached to my neck and then up to my face, kissing me softly.
I put my hands on his face as we kissed slowly, before pushing him back slightly. He was fully leaned over the entire middle consul, on top of me.
"Matt we have to go inside" I smiled looking at my boyfriend as he smiled stupidly at me, looking only down at my lips as I spoke. "Hmm hm" He hummed finally looking up at my eyes, his eyelids hooded. I don't know if it was from how early it was or from the kiss.
"Did you hear a word I said?" I giggled. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against him. "Nope" He smiled against my lips catching mine in a kiss again. I smiled as we kissed, as if it were the first time we had ever kissed. Butterflies filling my stomach as he rubbed his thumb back and forth against me, as we kissed.
I knew really believed in love before I met Matthew Sturniolo. I thought the books were stupid, the movies were unrealistic, and the couples in love around us were just going to end up hurt or cheated on. Because that was all I had ever known, that was before a blue eyes lacrosse player passed me in the hallway and we made eye-contact for a little too long.
I never believed in love at first sight either until that day. I thought it was cheesy, and terribly inaccurate, but something inside of me told me that boy would be in my life for a longgg time.
He pulled away from the kiss and brought his hands up to my face, rubbing his thumbs back and forth against my cheeks smiling down at me in adoration.
I never saw myself as a romantic either. Kind of kept to myself, was sarcastic and thought I would die before talking to a man in a baby voice, and a part of me thinks everyone thinks that way before they find their first love. Well in this case, the love of my life. There wouldn't be a minute for the rest of my life where I didn't love Matt.
"I love you" He whispered, leaning down and kissing my nose, making me giggle. He sighed leaning down against my shoulder and running his hand over my steering wheel. "And I love your car" he sighed, making me roll my eyes. "Sometimes I feel like you only like me for my car" I joked making him lift his head and furrow his eyebrows.
"What no, you're the love of my life. The car is just a plus to dating you" He said shaking his head. It was embarrassing the effect his words had on my physical being. I blushed, making him smile.
"I like when I make you blush" He smiled leaning down and kissing me again. The other plus to dating Matt, other than simply everything about him, was his lips. Oh my God, his lips. They were perfect and boy did that boy know how to kiss.
I honestly didn't know kissing someone was suppose to be enjoyable before kissing him. I could fall asleep kissing him. If my lips could be on his ever second of everyday, they would be. He quite literally changed my world.
He slipped his tongue into my mouth, making me hum against him deepening the kiss. He smiled as he kissed me harder. There was a hard knock against my window, causing Matt to jump off of me, due to the loud noise. He looked behind me, since my back was against the door. He sighed and sat back in the passenger seat.
I turned around seeing his brothers standing next to my car. I rolled down the window and they both leaned down poking their heads into the car.
"Jesus do you two ever come up for air?" Chris said looking between us making me smile and look down at my lap. "Seriously the whole school yard just saw you two suffocating each other with your mouths" Nick shook his head. Matt laughed and shook his head, looking over at me.
"I'm getting your windows tinted for Christmas" He said shaking his head. I rolled my eyes and turned back to Nick and Chris. "Do you guys need something?" I asked looking between two of my best friends. "Yeah dumbass, School's about to start" Chris said motioning to everyone walking inside.
"But it's coldd outside, and it's so warm in here" I sighed, leaning towards Matt. Matt pouted looking at his brothers and wrapped his arms around me.
"If you miss another class, you're benched at the next game Matthew" his brother said unimpressed. Matt sighed letting me go. I leaned back up in my seat.
I looked over to Matt who looked at me and then to his brothers. "Yeah yeah, just give us a minute" He said leaning over and starting to roll up the window, making me shake my head.
"You two are gross!" Nick yelled as he walked away. "Her lips will still be there after first period Matt!" Chris yelled as the window close. I laughed and shook my head, before Matt turned my head capturing my lips in his again. I fell into the kiss again so easily before pushing him slightly.
"Matt, we have to go. I can't miss first period again" I sighed as I looked into his blue eyes. He closed his eyes and sighed. "Fine" He breathed leaning back over, grabbing his bag off the floor in front of me. I giggled at his frustrated demeanour.
"Wait" I smiled making him look up as I reached over grabbing his shirt connecting our lips again. He smiled against me as he dropped his bag again, bringing his hand up to cup my face again. I pulled away as he kissed me deeper.
"Okay, Okay, we have to go" I said shaking my head, trying to shake the redness in my face. I turned off the car and grabbed my keys.
"Wait, we have to wait a second" He breathed making me glance over at him as he groaned leaning his head back against the chair, attempting to adjust his shorts. I looked down noticing the tent in his pants.
I rolled my eyes. "Seriously?" I said raising my eyebrows. He glanced over at me, smirking. "I can't help what you do to be y/n" he laughed. I shook my head smiling and looked out the window.
He was going to be the death of me.
-
I shook my head, dropping my smile at the memory and climbed into my car, turning it on and immediatley turning on the heat to wipe away the goosebumps on my legs.
I sighed as I pulled out of my house and pulled out onto the road. Clear my head. Just clear my head. But everything about this car screamed Matt.
I looked over at the empty passenger seat and sighed. Physically seeing Matt there in my mind, but he wasn't. He was thousands of miles away not thinking about me.
As i drove around my empty town, playing song after song trying to make myself feel better, made it worse. I felt pathetic. Thinking about my ex-boyfriend of three years ago, wasn't good. Why was I still thinking about him.
I tried to convince myself it was just because I was here in Boston, in this car, but another part of my brain reminded me that I promised to him and to myself that I would always love him. I hated myself because I stuck to my word. That's why I didn't reach out after the breakup, because I said that if was better if we both just tried to move on. That we had to move on and we wouldn't if we were still in contact.
It's when he agreed to it was when the reality of my words set into me like a ton of bricks. The amount of times I wanted to show up at his front door step, telling him I was wrong. That I couldn't live without him. That we were stupid for ever thinking our breakup was what we both needed. But I never did, and he never showed up at my door either.
I guess a part of me moved on, or maybe my brain just convinced me that I did. I don't feel like I did, because there was never another Matt. All these boys i've met, it was hard to even picture them to be the same species as Matthew Sturniolo, because they were cold, hard, mean, assholes. Matt was sweet, kind, loving, and tender hearted. To put them in the same category as him would just be an insult to Matt.
So I waited until someone like Matthew Sturniolo came along. I've waited three years and I've not met one other soul like him. It wasn't fair.
I sighed. I needed to go home, take a hot shower, and stop torturing myself. I pulled around, driving back towards my house, trying to erase every single thing i've thought about on this long miserable drive. Once I stepped out of this car, I wasn't going to think about him again.
I was going to turn off this car and open the door and leave all my feelings and hopes for Matt inside of it because It wasn't fair to myself. I needed to let go.
I turned into my neighborhood and pulled up to my driveway, driving in. I parked the car and took a deep breathe, rubbing my hands over my face. I sighed, turning off the car and opening the door.
If it was meant to be it will be, at least that's what the poets say. But then again aren't all poets just people writing about what they think love is? Not the actual reality of it? They don't write about the breakups or the hard times, they talk about the falling. The feeling of being in love. Something so strong it could kill a person, that part I guess now I believed to be true. So maybe all poets are idiots.
I swallowed shaking my thoughts before opening my door and stepping out before looking back inside, and taking a deep breath closing my eyes before I shut it finally.
That was it. Now those were just memories. That's all they can be and thats all i'll allow them to be. From here on out I wasn't going to tourtue myself. From here on out not one more thought would cross my brain thinking about-
I froze.
"Matt?"
Standing there.
Right there.
In front of me.
My feet froze.
He stood tall in front of me, black hoodie, black pants and small scruff lining his jawline. His eyes as blue as ever and his hair still as floppy as I remembered, just a little longer. I blinked, frozen in time. My heart was beating so fast I thought I would have collaspted right then and there.
"Y/n" He spoke finally. My lips parted slightly as I stood in front of the boy that I loved all those years ago. The boy I just spent the last hour killing my mind over.
He licked his lips looking down at me with an expression I couldn't understand. "W-What are you doing here?" I breathed, barley blinking staring up at him. He let out a breath as he looked at me pulling his hands out of the pockets of his sweatshirt.
"I-I was in town and I-" I stopped as he looked down at me. I stared up at him waiting for his explanation. "I don't know I just kind of came over here. I didn't really have a plan. I don't know what to say, but I just started walking and I ended up here" He breathed, seeing his breath come out in a vapor in the coldness of the air around us. Making it real. He was there.
I blinked at him. I opened my mouth to say something but closed it, not knowing what to say. I honestly wanted to look up at the sky and wish for a million dollars and see if that would come walking up to my house too. But no. This was more of a shock than if that happened.
"I know-" He shook his head. "I know this is probably a lot for you, and I can leave if you don't want to see me and I know that showing up here after three years is so shitty so I understand if-" He spoke but I cut him off stepping forward and wrapping my arms around his torso, leaning my head against his chest, holding him tightly. This was real.
I let out a breath for what felt like the first time in three years. He paused for a second, suprized from the sudden embrace, before wrapping his arms around me just as tightly, leaning his head against the top of mine. I closed my eyes thinking If i ever let go he would dissapear and I would wake up from my dream.
"Matt" I breathed again. He let out a deep breath. "Y/n" He stated again. We sat there for a long time, just holding each other like speaking three years worth of words, without actually talking.
I pulled back looking up at him. He smiled down at me, tears in his eyes and tears in mine.
"How's LA?" I smiled, my eyes full of tears. He chuckled hanging his head breifly before looking back up at me. "It's not Boston" He shook his head. I chuckled, wiping the bottom of my eyes. I nodded just smiling up at him.
"I missed you" He shook his head, biting his lips as it quivered due to the tears threatening to spill. I shook my head looking down as I let out a breath. I leaned up wiping his tears with my thumb.
"I missed you sweet boy" I whispered as a tear ran down my face. He reached up, wiping it. I swallowed.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" He whispered smiling through his tears. I laughed handing my head before shaking it. He smiled. "Thank God" He breathed before leaning down and kissing me passionatly. I smiled as we kissed, tasting the tears between us.
He reached down wrapping his hands under my waist pulling our bodies together as I held his face in my hands. I couldn't believe this was real. His lips were exactly how I remembered, as If not a single day had passed between us.
I pulled back, but didn't move away from him, as I looked into his eyes, soothing his cheek.
"I miss you too" I breathed, he smiled. I laughed through my tears, leaning my head against his chest. He wrapped his arms tighter around me and we sat there.
All of the sudden a car came racing up to my house, before slamming on the breaks. I looked up at Matt, who sighed closing his eyes. I turned as I heard the slamming of car doors.
Nick and Chris emerged from the car before sighing when they saw us. Matt's grip didn't loosen on me, like if he let go he'd be afraid I would run away. Little did he know I wasn't moving away from him even if he pushed me off of him.
"Matt you scared the shit out of us" Chris shook his head as he walked up to us. I looked up at Matt, who didn't look fazed by his brothers whatsoever. I looked back seeing Nick coming around the otherside of the car.
"Thank God you're okay" Chris said making it up to us. Nick walked over. "You can't just take off and not tell us where you're going without your phone" Nick shook his head.
"Guys i'm fine" Matt reassured them. He looked down at me. "I'm better than fine" He whispered looking down at me in his arms. I smiled up at him.
"We thought you'd be here" Nick sighed looking over at us. I smiled looking over at Nick and Chris. They looked like them, but older. Kind of like Matt. Chris's hair was longer and Nick was blonde.
I smiled leaning my head against Matt, both of our arms still wrapped in one another. Nick sighed shaking his head.
"Alright, you guys will still be alive when you let go. Now y/n come over here and give me a hug" Nick smiled. I looked up at Matt smiling before finally dropping my arms and walking over to Nick, hugging him. He sighed against me.
"Missed you" He mumbled. "I miss you guys so much" I said looking over to Chris before opening my arms in offer for him to join the hug. He rolled his eyes smiling before joining Nick and I.
"Missed you kid" He mumbled squeezing us.
"Alright. Alright, get off her" Matt said walking up to us, before pulling me against him again. I laughed and shook my head at him. Still now, he only wanted me to himself and I could have melted.
"Will you come home now? Mom hasn't seen you yet" Chris shook his head. Matt let out a breath before looking down at me. I smiled up at him.
"Yeah, but there's something we have to do first" He explained looking up at his brothers. I furrowed my eyebrows looking at Matt. He looked towards the car.
"Can we go for a drive?"
I looked over at my mustang before smiling up at him. "Please?" I said letting out a breath. He smiled, leaning down and kissing my forehead. He grabbed my hand as he pulled me towards the car.
WOW I LITERALLY CRIED MULTIPLE TIMES WHILE WRITING THIS. hope you guys did too🥹
tag list: @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @miastromboli @secret-sturniolo @sturnsclutter @sturniolodreamz @ejswift @paper-crab @mwah0mwah @ghostgurlswrld @kitaysworld @meg-sturniolo @nickmillersn1gf @fr3shl0ve @adrianaturnedpretty @jjslovely
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