oh my god i just impulse bought the yaribu dvd off of amazon during class this morning even though i don’t own a dvd player

watch me eat instant noodles until october

dedication - na jaemin

genre || crack, fluff

pairing || na jaemin x reader; mentioned one-sided markhyuck

fic type || drabble; short fic?

word count || 1.4k

au || hogwarts!au, best friends to lovers!au

summary || na jaemin dedicated his quidditch win to you for no obvious reason. at least, not until he asks you “do you trust me?” and well, do you?

note || when did writing 1.4k become a normal thing for me? i remember the early days of this blog *sob* 1k was so hard to churn out istg- but anyway its not even a fic it’s a drabble just imagine!! oh and im super sorry for the very very rushed plot and everything that doesn’t make sense i’m high. this was supposed to be a timestamp but it spiralled out of hand so ok

“aaaaand what’s that? slytherin seeker na jaemin’s pulling his firebolt down into a nosedive - could he have seen the snitch?” the boy beside you hollered into the megaphone. you slammed your gloveless hands onto the cold metal railing and leaned out of your seat to look at one of your best friends barrelling toward the ground like he was suicidal. you trusted him and knew he was a good enough flier not to crash, of course, but it still worried you to see seeker!jaemin in a vertical dive down to the ground. “ugh, no, he hasn’t gotten it. HEY, NA JAEMIN, YOU SUCK!” professor mcgonagall turned and shouted in hyuck’s ear, “LEE DONGHYUCK, YOU BEHAVE, OR I’LL GET MISS L/N TO REPLACE YOU!” “sorry, professor, just some kindhearted encouragement, you know, but sure! y/n can replace me!” your best friend grinned impishly and held the megaphone out to you, offering you the chance to commentate. you shook your head firmly. the one and only reason you were sitting in the commentator’s box with hyuck was because it could only fit two people and professor mcgonagall wasn’t about to sit there and control the scoreboard next to her least favourite student of all time. it could also be partly to prevent hyuck from cheating, you supposed, though you had no idea how anyone expected you to be the one stopping him. if anything, you’d have come up with the idea. 

donghyuck had resumed commentating at the side, making snide comments every now and then. it was thirty minutes into the slytherin versus gryffindor game, and it showed no signs of stopping yet. the seekers were still circling above the pitch, gryffindor’s seeker zhong chenle (another one of your friends) trying his best to climb onto jaemin’s broom. you were pretty sure that was dangerous and against the rules, but whatever. “and slytherin chaser kim doyoung passes the quaffle to, well, another gryffindor, i mean slytherin chaser- what was his name? nokomota yuto? right, nakamoto yuta, sorry hyung- and yuta SHOOTS!” 

your head snapped back toward the game, squinting at the gryffindor goalpost. “oh, he misses, wait no he doesn’t miss! keeper mark lee saved it, excellent save there mork! you know, mark is such an awesome person, if only he’d go out with me, i’ve been pining after him for the past three years but he still won’t say yes. ah well, he’s in denial, one day he’ll realise how much he loves m-” “HYUCK,” you screamed, shaking his arm madly, “LOOK AT JAEMIN. STOP GIVING US DETAILS OF YOUR LOVE LIFE AND FOCUS ON THE GAME.” professor mcgonagall had given up on him long ago, but you were, of course, compelled to at least get him to stop waxing lyrical about mark lee.

“huh? oh yeah- uhm- slytherin must win! ah yes jaemin’s diving again but honestly who cares he’s coming up without the snitch again, stop giving me false hope na jaemin. yes, anyway, what was i saying? right, the tea. so siStErS if you would look in the corner there gryffindor beater lee taeyong’s… beating the bludgers away from slytherin chaser kim doyoung? what is this i see, people! i am scandalized! doyoung, i see you blushing! yes, i can see you blushing because i charmed my glasses! you are fraternizing with the enemy! have babies later! play the game nOOOOOOOW! oh but he’s the one giving you protection. okay. EVERYBODY LET’S CHEER ON THEIR BLOSSOMING LOVE IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER! SAY WOOOOOOOOO.” screams from the crowd. the hufflepuffs and ravenclaws had all come to watch the quidditch match - something only half of them would’ve turned up for if not for the commentary. which brings you to another point. it’s clear to everyone, you’d think, that lee donghyuck is the person most unsuited to be the commentator, like, ever. he doesn’t focus on the quidditch match at all, instead choosing to provide a detailed oral report on the latest gossip around campus. professor mcgonagall had tried to take him off the role before, of course, but she had no choice but to put him back on after 90% of the school signed a petition for “best commentator lee donghyuck” to return to the pitch. hyuck’s the dispatch of hogwarts, and he’s annoying, but he’s also funny, friendly, and sure as hell caught up on the latest tea. what’s not to like?

“right, so then i walked in to the girls’ bathroom, on accident i swear i’m not a pervert, and i saw irene and seulgi kissing in the corner and i was like what?? did not expect that. but i’d always kinda expected it because i can see couples in the future you know you can call me up anytime to predict your chances with your crush slight self promo but my rates are cheap af. where are seulrene? oh, there? i see your friends waving, congratulations guys, and oh wait jaemin has the snitch i think he’s holding something in his hand. oh. okay. 450-380 to slytherin, and slytherin win! tune in next quidditch match for another episode of Haechan’s Finest Tea Brewery!”

jaemin flew toward the commentator’s box, gesturing wildly with his hands. you stared at him, not comprehending, while hyuck chose to shout “HUH?? HUH??” repeatedly into the megaphone. jaemin rolled his eyes in annoyance that you could feel from a long distance away, pointed his wand at his throat and murmured sonorous. 

“i’d like to dedicate this win to y/n l/n over here. speaking of which, she’s my motivation to win for every match,” jaemin went on with a shy smile. you felt your eyes widen and your earlier excitement for slytherin winning slipping off your face. what was he talking about? “i understand if you see me as just a friend, but i still think i’ve got to show the whole school i love you.” jaemin flew closer to the box, hovering at the side of it. “do you want to be my girlfriend? do you trust me? if the answer is yes, mount this broom with me.”

hyuck had apparently also been startled into silence, not having made any snarky remarks about the scene very obviously plagiarised from aladdin. you gasped softly, getting up to move closer to the railing, your body deciding for you instead of your mind. jaemin’s smile widened, “do you trust me?”

did you love na jaemin? up until ten minutes ago, you were sure you didn’t. he hadn’t even been a candidate for being your love interest romantically. you were taken aback by the confession, but you weren’t upset by it either. you felt slightly fuzzy inside, like you were a stuffed teddy bear, and even on a winter day as cold as it was, you felt warmth spread throughout your entire body. what did hyuck always say about love? he said that love means you’d do the best you could to make them happy. that love’s about giving, not about receiving. that you’d always put them before yourself, and you’d pay extra attention to them, always. and that you’d be ready to carry them off on a bed of roses and bear their children, but then again, you supposed that was just one of hyuck’s strange fantasies about mark. reflecting on all the years you’d been friends, you’d always been staring at jaemin to see if he laughed at a joke before you did too. you rushed to the hospital wing at 3am, not caring about the three months’ worth of detention you could potentially (and later did) get, only wanting to check on him and see that his injured leg was alright. you’d done everything reasonable (like let him copy your homework) and everything unreasonable (like stealing telescopes from the astronomy tower with hyuck to feed the giant squid) just to see a smile on his face. and that smile could warm the harshest winters. 

maybe you were in love with na jaemin.

you walked up closer, and put your hand into his waiting one. the school, who’d been waiting with bated breath, exploded into cheers, but you heard none of it. there was only you and him. and the 30km drop to the ground.

jaemin’s grin looked like it was about to split his face into half. he pressed your cold hand to his lips, pretending to be a gentleman. pulling you onto his broom in front of him, he put his arms on both sides of you. un-amplifying his voice, he leaned forward, pressing himself into your back. “are you ready?” you nodded, fingers clutching tight onto the wood.

“i can show you the world.”

©danishmiilk, 2020.

im definitely not ripping off my friend by making a list of au ideas i have no siree //gonna slap this under a readmore cause i. well i say a lot. all of the time. i tried so hard to format this Good but tumblr fucked me up i am so sorry

so first-off i know i already have one WIP AU (Auckland) on ao3 so i wont talk about That one cause like. spoilers. i actualyl have it like 80% created so its likely gonna truly get finished for once and i dont wanna ruin shit

the other one ive posted about is something me and ben (catgirlrepublic) have worked on together its not at all close to done or anything but it's. a fun little crossover. Between jdate and my fuckinuhm. Original characters story “Untitled Villains Project”. the sketches of the comic version ive started is actually my pinned post 👉👈 its like the first chunk of the story, i think half of part 1? yea.

Tldr john fucking Somehow is able t oget into contact with a certain curious scientist from another reality who’d just love to study the Soy Sauce, most certainly not for her own nefarious purposes

John and Dave meet up with the scientist, her name is Boss, and her lab assistant, Toxic, and after a bit of a preliminary Vibe Check where john determines her trustworthy (which Dave doesnt agree with,) the two agree to be taken to the world UVP is set in. from there they stay in Boss’s lab (big old fucking abandoned military lab). John and Toxic are fast friends due to mutual love-of-chaos. John n Dave get to fuckin, camp out on an air mattress.

The day after they arrive, the two get split up, not exactly intentionally; big plot points of UVP are liek. Fueled by Boss sending Toxic to go fetch her “research materials,” which are usually important artifacts

Fuckin side note i guess i have to explain my dumb bullshit: Boss’s, uh, field of expertise so to speak is actually fckin, basically the scientific study of magic and superpowers n shit like that. This shit’s all real in that world. Toxic’s got fuckin superpowers, so do 4 other main characters, whatever. It’s got a bit to do with spirituality, iss Boss’s hypothesis. So she has Toxic fetch important artifacts that might have “energies” to them. The thing is actually way more fuckin complictated than that, this is just Boss’s initial hypothesis.

Motherfucking anyways. So Boss gives Toxic a job to do, and John get excited about how Cool that sounds, and ends up going with Toxic, leaving Boss and Dave alone. Neither is thrilled about this. But Dave and Boss get to have a bit of conversation (while Toxic and John are off bonding and having a good time) and come to a… mutual grudging understanding of some kind. They still dont like each other though lmao

Theres gonna be deeper shit going on but we havent sorted it out yet/tbh havent like Written For It in a while but i still like thinking about it a lot lol

Also pretty sure our endgame is john and dave steal toxic and bring them back with em lmao boss is kind of not nice and toxic would most certainly be better off in Undisclosed. Actually theyd fucking love it. Theyd become a local cryptid im sure. Undisclosed’s mothman is a teleporting spike baby.

I have. Another crossover AU that i might. Post something about for halloween? Maybe? If i have it finished?

Crosses over into, you guessed it, another one of my original-character projects. God, am i vain or something?

I promise this is just because i think blue and dave should get to team up to beat up some monsters

Quick briefing on my fuckinuh. Original character story, this one doesnt have a name (yet? Idk lol my work never actually goes anywhere sso who gives a shit). It centers around two grim reapers, Red (26, bi woman) and Blue (22, aroace agender asshole). In this reality or whatever, grim reapers function kind of like low-level office workers. They get told who’s going to die + when by some middle-management types, and upper management only involve themselves when punishment needs to be doled out. These Higher-Ups can be seen as analogous to Korrok; they’re decidedly not human, never were, and fucking terrifyingly powerful. Additionally, grim reapers are sort of .. designed to be “background noise” people. In reality theyre supernatural beings and, uh, look Real Fuckin Weird (the whole deal has a neon aesthetic im terrible at drawing uwu) but most humans just perceive them like extras in a movie. A body’s there but the camera’s not focused on it.

To the narrative: the shit starts when Red n Blue get relocated to Undisclosed. Relocation is something that just happens every now and then to reapers; they usually work in teams, but they get split up into different cities to avoid any strong bonds forming (a counter-union strategy from the Higher-Ups).

Red, Blue, John and Dave end up running into each other for the first time in a McDonalds where John n Dave are getting some 4am “hey, we just survived another horrific monster fight” celebration burgers. John and Dave are the only two people who can see how… strange Red and Blue are. Nobody else notices.

John unintentionally pisses Blue off, leading to Blue whacking him upside the head with a dildo bat. They all four get kicked out of McDonald’s. Dave and Red both are less than thrilled

Blue and John end up resolving their differences, somehow. Red and Dave briefly bond over their dumbass best friends being, well, dumbasses. They all part ways amicably.

somehow-or-other (idk yet) they end up running into each other a few more times, and eventually john invites them over to his place, and the four (plus Amy now!) get to know each other a little better

while there, Blue gets a text about some guy who's gonna die and John offers to drive them to where that's gonna go down. they take him up on the offer and get to have a bit of one-on-one conversation

after that ordeal though Blue has had Enough of people and bails, leaving John to head home alone

theres a sort of mirror-development going on with the five of em. Red, John, and Amy would all like everyone to get along, though theyre a bit tentative about it (John moreso than the other two, actually, jsut cause. well Red n Blue could still be Sauce Monsters). Dave and Blue on the other hand do Not like people enough for this shit, and Dave's not unconvinced theyre Sauce Monsters. he will not trust them until proven he should

the story's kinda nebulous but i got an idea for some Shit going down that involves both Sauce Monsters and also the Higher-Ups to have some fuckin absolute chaos go down.

Oops! All Trans

Everybody is transgender. Everyone

Ive actually workshopped this one both with ben (catgirlrepublic) and ghost (ghost-wannabe) lmao its a fun lil concept ive had from the get-go cause i mean. What’s an internet tran gonna do other than hit all their favourite media with the Everyone’s Trans beam

Dave transitioned post-high school and faked his death for it. People go missing in Undisclosed all the damned time, after all. He moved to the next city over, transitioned fully, then came back as a completely new man. Yes i know this doesnt exactly fit with the “everyone knows David from high school” thing alright, hush.

Anytime anyone brings up John’s old best friend (pre-transition Dave) John throws an entire fit like an overdramatic grieving widow. Full-on sobbing “why would you bring her up?! I miss her so much—” to the point that people just stop bringing up because Jesus Christ That Sure Is Uncomfortable KJHGFDS.

This is a scheme he and Dave came up with prior to Dave leaving, though Dave hadnt exactly anticipated John putting on this much of a performance about it— but it’s stopped Dave from ever having tto hear his deadname again, so hey.

Amy transitioned sometime in middle school/early high school. Her family was super supportive and loved her a ton and most people just know her as Amy. she was super shy her whole life really so. Yeah. people just dont think to bring it up lmao also i Feel Like big jim would absolutely wallop anyone who gave her trouble of any kind

John’s nonbinary (genderfluid specifically) and not exactly Interested in transitioning ? like hes fine with how he is. mostly.

he came out to Dave in high school but hes not out to anyone else exactly. Maybe his bandmates. Probably any other trans person in Undisclosed knows, too, cause theyre safe to tell lmao. Johns mostly a “he/him out of convenience” kinda nb who’s cool with any pronouns but does prefer they/them most. Dave and Amy use they/them when the trio are alone

Also this is a totally self-indulgent caveat that i think would be great, Dave’s actually agender but because he's transmasc and transitioned when he thought there were really only two options, and being Boy at least felt less weird than being Girl, he just kind of assumed he was a dude. It’s only through a lot of (like fucking years and years hes probably in his 30s/40s when he puts 2 and 2 together on this one) talks about gender with John that he realizes he actually feels like No Gender. Masc aesthetic with none gender.

I Just Think It’d Be Neat Is All Okay

Also Amy came out to Dave about being trans early on in them seeing each other and his response was to get very nervous before blurting out “me too” and then just being too embarrassed to talk about it for the rest of the day. Hes got a lot of hangups on talking about it actually it takes years for him to get comfortable in that

by contrast when Amy comes out to John about it his response is to yell “EYYY ME TOO” and give her a big ol hug lmao

I think itd be neatt if Amy ran a like. Transfem help/advice blog on tumblr. Kind of helped-with by John who can give her transfem nb insight for certain asks. I also just think that would be neat.

Cowboy AU - i put this one last cause its got drawings to it actually. Theyll be at the bottom

Basically just. Hey you ever watched a western. I think they look neat

This is another one me n ben have come up with lol

The soy sauce and all that shit still exist, im not sure where korrok fits in yet but ill figure it out

Theres no real like solid narrative yet ? but heres the barebones of everybody’s arcs.

John

Johns an absolute troublemaker, Of Course. Hes wanted in several towns for absolutely stupid shit. Hes a loner who shows up, causes chaos, gets drunk, does some drugs, runs away if people get too mad at him

He definitely had the same kind of deal with the soy sauce as in canon— he was at some kind of party, somebody offered it, he took it cause why the fuck wouldnt he, now he can see monsters and shit

Hes kind of a mooch also. Like. dont let him stay in your barn man he’ll never fucking leave and drink all your booze.

He runs into Dave when they happen to just, cross paths in the same town. the bullshit John stirs up ends up involving Dave in a way that makes it seem like it's his fault too, and they both get run out of town

after that he just tags along after Dave. hes decided this guy's Cool he wants to stick around. Dave is pissed at first, but not enough to shoot him or anything, and eventually, John grows on him

Dave

Dave also is a loner but unlike John hes simply so fucking awkward and bad with people. He doesnt feel like he belongs anywhere so he just travels

He’s the stereotypical Lone Ranger tbh. He wanders from town to town, solving their problems, though hed deny its out of any moral obligation (it kinda is, a little bit, tbh. He does like feeling useful). He shows up, fixes things, leaves. He's kind of a legend but most people think he's hiding something dark. other people jsut know him as that guy who farted real loud in the middle of the saloon and promptly skipped town out of sheer embarrassment. you know how it goes with Dave

He ends up involved with the Soy Sauce when a snake (not Actually a snake,) bites him. The snake’s more like the wig-monsters, really. Anyway, it injects him with the soy sauce, he fucking trips balls in the middle of the desert, he can see monsters now

He runs into John and shit goes tits-up, as said, but they become traveling buddies after that. he'd never say so, but he's glad for the company, actually. it's nice. hes not used to companionship but he feels a strange kind of easiness hanging out with John....

not sure how the Monster Dave concept will like fit in to this reality but like. trust me i want it in here. I'll Figure It Out.

Amy

Amy’s been living in a town John and Dave end up passing through and she is very curious about these two new Handsome Strangers who claim to fight monsters and just kinda. Persistently tags along til they let her join for real

Her family’s all dead, unfortunately, just like in canon, and she’s been living alone for a few years before meeting John n Dave. she had nothing left in that town to stay for, she'd been fantasizing about escaping on wild adventures for a long time and this felt a little like a dream come true. (Dave still gives her a spiel about how Difficult it is, but really, her fantasies were pretty grounded-in-reality already. i jsut think thats how she is, yknow?)

Shes the first person to react to the whole “we see monsters” shit with a kind of “oh, okay. neat” kind of response lmao

John and Dave fix whatever the fuck is up with her town (maybe that’s where the Korrok shit can fit, who knows) and Amy ends up being integral to that. After, she insists they take her with them because “they need her now” and Dave just cant really say no. John too is very much "the more the merrier!" and hes actually glad to have another person along he loves people lmao

At the start she has long hair but after she joins them she chops it short with a knife for convenience

also she still is an amputee. justt. idk. it was a wagon/stagecoach accident rather than a car accident lmao. just to clarify since i hadnt mentioned it, i wouldnt rob her of her ghost hand or yknow. all of the significance to her character that Missing A Hand has. although also now im going to have to research what was used as painkillers way-back-when, but im betting shes still got, like, her pain pills, they probably had those, maybe i wouldnt have to try too hard there. old timey medicine could be WACK though,

Shitload

Yeah hes in tthis shit mostly cause i liked designing his cowboy self lmao

Hes a kid (like 16, 17, technically i think in those days that was more Young Man than Kid but whatever. Hes Young i mean.) who got possessed by the Worms out in the desert and, by his family’s perception, just went missing!

Hes also a wanderer, but he ended up at the same town john and dave met in, at that same time, and starts following them after, already aware of who/what they are.

He keeps his face covered 24/7. actually he covers a Majority of his self for reasons. kinda want him to be a slightly more horrifying Worm Entity rather than human idk,

I kinda dont have much for this boy yet sorry Shitload

images !

with some editing notes for me cause im doing a very specific aesthetic with this lmao. i might change some lil details/colours though ...... idk

im also kinda 🤔 about shitload's colour palette. i want things assoicated w the sauce to be black'n'red predominantly but i think his palette might mirror dave's too closely. also im working on a korrok design i jsut am too busy to draw it now

(prompts) the one you said "steven taught andrew how to use chopstick" or in the cake episode from season 1, Andrew make a wish when they broke the elbow in the last cake and Steven ask for it but Andrew said it didnt come true, maybe Andrew wish that Steven would fall in love with him lol Im bad in English so i hope u will get what i mean thanks

Hi anon! Thank you for the ask! I did the Chopstick one and it’s posted somewhere on my blog! Anyway, here’s your second one!-Working so close with the guy you have a massive crush on is probably the worst thing that can happen to a person. Maybe I'm exaggerating with that but, for me, it's very true. It's worse when you're caught on camera staring at said crush and the entire internet can tell that you're hopeless. Everybody can tell but him. It's horrible. I mean, I was new to Worth It compared to him as he had started it with Keith and only asked me to fill in for him because he was too busy with the Try Guys stuff to do it. Now, I had to suffer and spend more time than I should with him. Staring longingly across the office was different than 'heart-eyes’ staring at him in a restaurant while he sat practically in my lap.It was especially like torture when I was sat right up against him as we ate cakes romantically together. Romantic is a loose term for it, more like, romantically from my end and friendly on his. I was hopelessly in love with him as I watched him take awkward bites of his food.He's eating a cake that I can't remember the price of and I'm staring very unsubtly.Suddenly, Steven reaches across me. “Look!” He gets one of the fondant ribbons from the cake and holds it between us.“What?” I him as I'm snapped out of my trance. “Grab this side and we pull it, break it like a wishbone and make a wish!” He smiles at me and my lips pull into a tight grin “Alright.” We pull and it snaps.I wish that Steven felt the same.I look at him and he looks at me. “What'd you wish for?” He asks.I shake my head at him and give a tense smile. “It didn't come true.” I laugh to release the tightness in my chest at the end and it's taken as a joke. I smile at the camera and play it all off.I always manage to play off my hurt and my feelings. I'm quite good at it. After so many years of running from my attraction to men, I have to be good at it or I'll have to except that I'm not straight and I'll have to come out and I'll have to be myself. I'm not really ready to become my real self. I don't think I'll ever be ready.Once the shoot ended, Steven had to drive me home. He'd picked me up early from my house and we went to breakfast with Adam.Adam went his separate way when we got back to the office to get ready to leave and drop off the rest of that cake.“Want to grab dinner?” Steven asks as we pull out of the BuzzFeed parking lot.“I don't know,” I sigh. “I kinda just want to go to bed.” “You have to eat dinner, Andrew.” He rolls his eyes like a mother.“I just had way too much cake.” I shake my head. I couldn't be with him much longer. Something about that whole 'make a wish!’ thing was bothering me so bad.“Well, I'm bringing you to eat. You seem bummed out so, we're going to my favorite place.” He pats my leg and I flinch.He doesn't notice. “I… Steven, please. I just want to go home.” “Too late.” He says, turning onto the street that was the opposite way to my house.“That place is so far away. Bring me somewhere close. I don't want to be out. I want to go home.” I protest.“Too bad. You're in a bad mood and I'm determined to cheer you up.” He gives me a big grin.“You won't. Sleep will fix it, so, let me go home.” I slump in the seat and he just shakes his head. “Nice try, 'Drew.” He shuts down the argument and I mentally regress into a puddle in my seat.This restaurant is about two hours out if the way and honestly, I don’t think I can handle that. I don’t even get to think about handling this before I hear; “Uh oh…” come from Steven.I look up and realize were about thirty minutes from our destination and our car has died.My head falls back and my hands cover my face, causing me to groan loudly. “Goddammit, Steven! Goddammit! I said I wanted to go home and now look where we are!” I yell at him and he just reaches over and touches my upper arm.“Calm down, Andrew. I’ll call triple-A and Adam to come pick us up. It’s fine.”“It’s not fine but, whatever. Just call triple-A and leave me here to seethe over you not listening to me.” I cross my arms and lean against the window.He sighs, muttering something under his breath before calling Adam and explaining the situation to him before calling AAA.I vaguely listen but, I can’t get my head out of my ass for a millisecond. I was so head over heels for Steven that it kind of hurt even having to look at him. “Are you alright?” I hear his voice asking, soft and sweet, more so than usual.“Fine.” I grunt in reply.“Okay, well, I know you won’t tell me what’s bothering you… We have two hours to kill. Let’s talk.” Steven presses on.“What about?” I grunt.“Do you have plans this weekend?” He offers and I shrug.“Sleep? Be stressed and contemplate my existence?” I give him and he sighs. “You?”“I was thinking of watching a show on Netflix.” He says.“What one?”“Not sure yet.”I sigh and rub a hand over my face. “How’s your girlfriend?” I feel the tightness in my chest get worse.“Um, well, her and I broke up about a month or two ago.” Shrugs Steven lightly.“Oh, I didn’t know… I’m sorry.” I offer up as my heart decides to pound. “It’s fine. I wasn’t happy with her anymore.” He says softly.“Hey,” I sit up a bit and glance his way. “What did you wish for earlier?” I ask, realizing I hadn’t done so before.“When?” He cocks his head to the side and my heart leaps to my throat.“Uh, the fondant ribbon thing.” I inform.“Oh! I wished for things to fit together. Things have been weird lately.” He smiles at me. I’m heartbroken by his words.“You okay?”“Yeah! I’m great! I’ve just been dealing with some weird stuff, you know?” He chuckles. “You never told me what you wished for.”“Oh, um… My feelings to be reciprocated. It didn’t come true. Doesn’t matter.” I try to dismiss.“Feelings for who?” “You.” It just slips from me and he jumps. He stays silent for a moment, stuttering out a sound that wasn’t of human language.“Me?” He croaks after a while of sputtering.“I-... I don’t even know why I said that.” I frown and rub my face with both hands.“Did you mean it?”“Of course I mean it! Have you seen the way I look at you!? God, I just… I don’t want to have feelings for you, I just do,” I fall back to the seat, tipping my head upward. “I’ve had weird, um… Crushes on guys but, I don’t want to… You’re different and these feelings won’t go away even when I try to stop them… I’m sorry, Steven. I’m so sorry.” I shake away the ache pressing behind my eyes.“You-... Andrew, you’re gay?”“Don’t call me that! I’m not that.” I insist but, his fingers lace with mine, causing me to gasp.“It’s not bad to like guys, Andrew. I mean, I like you too… What’s so wrong with that?” I peer over at him and he’s smiling at me like an idiot. As always. So fucking sweet looking.“People treat people like us, like we shouldn’t be alive.” I whisper.“What does it matter? If they treat us like shit, you and I can kick their asses. You and me against the world,” He squeezes my hand. “I always say, what’s the point of living if you aren’t happy?”I sit up again and glance at him. It’s silent other than our breathing and we’re just staring at each other. Steven reaches up and touches the side of my face, brushing his hand over my light beard.He leans towards me, not stopping until our lips are nearly touching. “Is-... Is this alright?” His voice wavers as his mouth brushes mine with each word, every syllable, every moment of his lovely pink lips.“It would be better if we…” I lose my words as I move myself forward barely a centimeter before our lips meet and my hand finds the back of his neck. I grunt against him as he clumsily falls forward and jabs a hand into my stomach.“Sorry!” He laughs falling away from my lips.“You idiot!” I grin at him and his eyes meet mine. I grab his cheeks and smack a kiss forehead.“You love me.” He jokes, per-usual.“I do. I really do.”

Dear Dad

Before I get into what I want to, thank you for reading this. I know I haven’t always been true to what I said, but bear with me while I bear with myself. I am learning and I am trying harder now than ever and want to make things comfortable for both of us and in return our family.

First and foremost, I have not realized how often you tried to help me. The more I think and write this out, the more I reflect. Today I called a new friend for maybe 20 mins and through that, I learned so much about me and you and our relationship together.

No one can explain things to me quite the way you do. I model how I want to be talked to off of how we talk when we are alone, just you and me. I noticed in strong friendships that I have now and had in the future, that there were so many similarities to how they displayed things to me in ways that you would try to as well. 

With that being said, I am very sorry and regretful for the hurt I’ve caused to you and others, but myself as well. The first step to me getting better is eliminating those regrets to the best of my abilities. I want to forgive, but not forget. I am in a very strong mindset right now but have a long way to go and saved this on a private blog of mine so if we ever clash too much, I can revisit this, and remember. I am in no way perfect. I have a come a long way but have an even longer one to go. I am working on taking criticism more seriously, but have thought how it can be displayed to me best in this current moment to help me.

You do and have done that so well through all of my 19 years and I realize that now than ever. I’m sorry for not listening before, but I’m figuring it out. 

I have been making a list every day on the fridge for what i want to do. My three biggest goals. If they are not accomplished, they are put on the list for tomorrow. So on, so forth. Writing things down is helping me stick true to my word for myself AND others. Right now, my main priority is me, but there are people I have hurt so much in the process of hurting myself. You may think you know what I was doing, but dad, you have no idea because I didn’t either. I lied out of my teeth to justify because I was full of anger and angst and hatred of myself. 

Not seeing you was difficult no matter what I said. I thought about it and cried near every time, which has turned to more times than not, and is turning to every time now. I am trying to nip this in the ass and kick myself forward constantly one step at a time to NEVER lose track of myself as bad as i have in the past year and a half. I lost sight of myself so i didnt even see what others did but i took it to heart and it hurt. the more i hurt, the worse it got, the more i ignored everything and everybody

I am trying to become part of this family little by little. I know seeing them would make me so anxious and cry. After I saw you guys in Bethlehem, I went to the bathroom and sobbed violently and disgustingly which is kinda funny but it really did hurt dad. i dont show it, but it does. i just want you to know that somewhere in me i know this is not okay.

I hurt mark more than anyone with his young mind and big heart. I have made it point and first point to slowly make my way into his life. i know i hurt everyone so everyone is wary of me and i am coming off so strong but its because im trying to be strong for myself. i dont always answer mark when i want to but its because im in the middle of doing something else that is productive and benefitial to me. even if its not much, i try to tell him good morning and good night every day now. i set my screen on my phone to my favorite picture of him and i so when i wake up from my alarm early morning, that is the first thing i see, and i remember. it is becoming easier to remember and now its almost effortless. 

i am trying to make this better. i thought about who i wanted to reach out to, made a list, and am crossing off the names little by little. you have been on that list for a long time and today while in the midst of being extremely angry about something, i reached out to people. one of those people was meghan. i have talked to her on and off for about a week, maybe, if i havent lost track of time. and i calmed down immediately and put my phone aside, the initial source of what made me so angry that i went from 0-100 super fast and scared myself. the more happy songs i listened to and the more i reached out, the better everything got so fast. it felt like i was a balloon slowly diffusing. I never want to forget that. 

I am learning to reach out to others so they can reach out to me. My big thing right now is treating others how i would like to be treated, but at the same time I say that i am still at fault and i am not perfect. i have made giant mistakes time after time and this one made those so much worse. help me understand you so i can understand myself, vice versa.

I don’t know when I’d have the time right now. my calendar is somewhat busy until the end of this weekend and into the beginning of next week, but i would love to have a one on one conversation with you, over the phone, in person, over email, whatever. Tell me the best time and where to reach you and we will take it from there. I will make the effort and slowly build your trust as I build myself. 

I did really bad things dad. I went overboard and was so sick of going forward and back so often that i forgot to keep moving. i stood still in every and any aspect i could in life because i was exhausted. i didnt want to do anything other than be alone. although this did more hurt than help, i am finding ways to forgive but not forget. the way i see it right now is that as long as i am moving in some way, i am in some way successful. 

one of the last things i remember you saying to me that hurt but helped was “Look outside at the sun caitlin, you probably dont even see it, but the day is beautiful and everything that comes with it” something along those lines. you were right, i didn’t see it. but i cried because i wanted to dad i wanted to so much and didnt know how. I will carry this thought with me through recovery of myself and you and our relationship. no one is a perfect person, i get it now. im trying to understand in the best way i can so i can help you help me and i can help me help you.

although i actually dont want you to believe this dad, i love you. take your time with getting back to me. i did it for far too long, so i understand either way. either way, i will be moving forward and resuming health of my body and mind. 

Caitlin Summer