#im so fuckin 'what's even the point'
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Shoutout to me from five weeks ago, about to start my new job, saying "watch this space, in about four weeks my mental health will be deteriorating rapidly". That bitch was bang on the money.
#new job blues#capitalism#i fucking hate being employed it always makes me want to die#and i mean that so seriously (I'm safe but passive)#im so fuckin 'what's even the point'#and girl this job sucks#the actual calls are generally the least bad part of it tbh#some of the scripting sucks but that's not too bad. manageable.#but requesting support? escalating a request? transferring someone? all miserable.#some of this shit is so fucking convoluted#and im so tired of telling people i can't fucking help them because they don't have enough of their own information#also some of the managers are fucking CREEPS and it's real bad and communication between management sucks#culture there is kinda rough#it's like. ough i do not wwnt to be there at all tyvm#but this is the first job ive found that'll accommodate my 5 hour shift length. so what do i even do#screams#the system speaks
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yes, the plans that i could not share with you (because the haters would sabotage me) were that i was taking on LACC in my vash getup :)
i have so few pictures of myself but i got so many compliments (especially on my arm) and plenty of other people took pictures of me. and normally i don't like attention but i will be honest with u. under these circumstances i loved it. my arm held up really well through 8 hours on the convention floor and i have never been prouder of anything i've made. it's articulated incredibly well, no part of it gave out or required repair, it's never uncomfortable or a nuisance to wear, and i have enough range of motion to do relatively complex things like tying my shoes.
originally i was not planning to try to meet anyone famous because 1) it's expensive and 2) the lines are long and 3) i feel weird and annoying approaching literally anyone for any reason BUT. the spot where i met up with my sister just happened to be right next to johnny yong bosch's table. right when he started signing things. so i said LOL ok i'll do it.
it was super chill, i asked him how it felt to get the call that they wanted him to come back 20 years later for a trigun reboot and he said it almost didn't happen -- that since they recast everyone else for stampede they considered recasting vash as well (and i said WOW i'm so glad they didn't) and he said he really enjoyed getting to come back and explore a darker take (i forget if what he said was a darker take on vash's character, or just a darker trigun in general) but it was briefly surprising 2 me that he considered stampede to be a darker version but i get it, especially when u consider that there is not a lot of comedy in those 12 episodes to balance out the grief.
ANYWAY he was impressed with my arm and i asked him if he would sign my coat :) so he signed the lining but he was also like u know what, i'm gonna give you a second autograph just because. so he signed a print for me as well (free of charge!!) and the print with the blue signature matches my famous paintings that i always film in front of (that's providence baybee)
other stuff from the con under the cut
cosplay notes:
i saw 3 other vash cosplayers (a 98 vash, a stampede vash, and a purple coat vash) and no shade but i definitely had the best arm build. peace and love to all of them though
i saw 1 1/2 wolfwoods. 1 was the aforementioned mullet wolfwood from yesterday's post (ww if you’re out there ww) and the 1/2 was the 98 vash cosplayer’s gf in some kind of goth-ish dress and she was carrying a punisher
mullet wolfwood if you're out there i regret not getting a picture with you so much. i am deeply ashamed and i have no excuse because i ran into you twice and both times i was too embarrassed to ask for a picture. i just want you to know that your punisher was swag and your earrings were yolo and we would look very good together
i expected to see a lot more trigun tbh. los angeles where u at. 4 vashies at a convention of 120,000+ people is nothing. one guy even walked up to me like wow i love ur vash, i haven't seen a lot of trigun at this con and i was like I KNOW i thought i'd see a lot more
theeeee costume of all time award goes to the cad bane cosplayer i saw on the balcony. spare hand in marriage dude (gn) you looked so good
second place for costume of all time goes to the other mother cosplayer who had button eyes and these crazy finger appendages and never once broke character even while waiting in lines
i took 100 points of psychic damage from this one guy who (and im not kidding) was at least 6’4’’ and wearing platform boots and was dressed as the mfing onceler. with the stupid top hat he was fr 7+ feet tall (i saw him duck to get through a doorway).
someone was there as the brawny paper towel guy?? just walking around in a beard and flannel carrying a pack of paper towel rolls?? go off king
i saw 5 nightwing cosplayers but only 2 were biblically accurate (had ass)
the nanami sweep at this convention was so real u all SHOWED UP. and everybody ate. i saw at least 12 nanamis and not one of them was a flop.
i have never seen so many spider-mans in my life
other things:
fig. 1: this extremely hot captain america on a very large poster was about 2 make me act unwise. hi gorjus................................. nice eyebrows
fig 2: i saw this sign a couple blocks away from the con and i did a triple take. 🔥🔥🔥TRIMAX MENTIONED🔥🔥🔥
fig. 3: i saw all 4 hobbits in panel and can confirm elijah wood’s laugh is ten times more infectious in real life. before they were even done sitting down, dominic monaghan switched around all of their name cards so that none of them were seated behind the right name. as u might imagine much of the panel's content was reminiscing about LOTR, but i heard some stories that i hadn't heard before. they also talked about video games, other projects they are working/have worked on, how their kids feel about their dads' LOTR roles, how much they love ian mckellen, and how they would love to see something happen for the 20th anniversary of ROTK this year. sean astin (the legend) took shots at the stranger things writers (basically said joyce could never be happy with hopper) AND EVERYONE CLAPPED LOL. billy and dom talked about the best food in NZ, their show billy and dom eat the world, and the unfortunate events that led to the friendship onion's hiatus. it was a ton of fun to just watch them be themselves with each other, you can tell that these guys are all so fond of each other and love each other so much.
and finally, fig. 4: i bought these beautiful prints from @/batinyourbelfry and the skeletal washi tape from @/skeletalacademia (both on IG)
#this post is all over the place but i want u all to experience this with me. baby's first convention#i didn't hate it like i thought i might but i am absolutely WIPED and will b perfectly content to not go to another con for several years#lacc#los angeles comic con#it's so funny walking around and just hearing someone go VASH and literally being like. who said that.#like there are 5 million people in this corridor. where are u so i can acknowledge you#my immediate defense mechanism is to toss up a peace sign so it's very convenient that it is something in character for vash#my favorite compliment was this one guy who was just like 'THAT'S FUCKIN SICK' from across the aisle and i was like 'YEAH!!!!'#long post#ackchewally the more i think about it. i do think sometimes people mischaracterize stampede as lighter than the other triguns#simply because the characters look more baby than their other counterparts#even though many elements of stampede are. truly so dark.#like we are not at manga-level-dark yet but HOO BOY i have no doubt we will get there#i'm dying to see what other horrors orange is cooking bc i KNOW they're cooking awful manga things (laudatory)#hot single dads in your area#my cosplay#this post has taken me hours to write. im so sick of it at this point begone from my sight i hate u
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hey does anyone wanna bounce bellhands/they all went to pirate school together ideas with me? im trying to figure out the missing pieces of my personal set up and it might be easier with someone else!
#if youve never spoken to me before please be aware i will type a whole paragraph in response to one (1) sentence#but if ur down for that! please.#ive got like. the start and the end and a couple bits in the middle fleshed out but it doesn't f l o w#this is the problem with trying to condense more than a years of ideas into one cohesive narrative. i usually swap and change things as#and when it suits so im like. i don't know what i need in this#its just for my silly little tumblr post but#i would appreciate it <3#i can send you what ive wrote and we can go from there or we can start from scratch bouncing ideas or u can just ask me questions#or something to help fill in gaps idk whatever works for u! what ive got is like. a fuckin mess honestly its ramblings and half finished#thoughts and just. its. a complete state and thats not even touching on whats missing (like. anything that matters in the middle basically)#nyxtalks#ofmd#bellhands#sam bellamy#izzy hands#israel hands#if you're unfamiliar with the concept: its Hornigold era stuff; jack + ed + izzy + sam all sailing under him and learning the ropes togethe#im not trying to go into too many details; just the underlying structure that is what I think of when i think of them#its probably not something anyone else cares about but i think i need it for some of the more fun 'what if Izzy went with sam' posts#i realised if i wanted to say what the divergence point was i Needed to establish all this lol#'oh yeah its when izzy chooses sam after the mutiny despite their argument' NYX WHAT ARGUMENT. you need to tell us what u mean
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i also think the take that leo’s post-movie character shift long term is to distance himself and ~hold himself separate~ from his brothers and treat them a little differently and train all the time etc simply Doesn’t Track btw
doing it as a major initial overcorrection bc of guilt and having to be like intervened with, i can see happening, and overall getting better at buckling down/communicating w his team for sure yeah
but like the idea that that is a change he makes to himself forever going forward (especially if it means his brothers/april not clocking it and calling him out on that nonsense, especially especially if it involves splinter noticing it and ENCOURAGING HIM to keep holding himself apart like that’s so not rise splinter at all) just does not feel right
for me it undermines the core statements that the series and movie are going for: you are not alone, we do it together, he hasn’t seen what we can do when we work together, this isn’t about you (i think this one in particular bc what is withdrawing from your loved ones and holding yourself in a different category bc Must Be Leaderly if not making things about yourself just in a different way to how you were doing it before?)
#rottmnt#rise of the tmnt#rottmnt movie#rottmnt leo#rise leo#so so much of the message of the narratives are ultimately about love and togetherness#how self sacrifice can come from a place of love but it is still damaging#how no one can or should carry the weight of everything alone! bc they are not alone!#more than any other tmnt iteration that is what they drive home; the togetherness#one of the emotional high points and triumphs of the finale! is raph realizing all this!#that it's not just on him that they all carry it together and that makes them stronger!#that was like his biggest struggle wanting to shoulder things and be there for everyone#without thinking it was fair of him to ask to lean back on them too (even though they would and did in a heartbeat catch him!!!)#baby leo reached for splinter leo reached for karai when they left her he was in FRONT reaching for raph in the trust fall#he reached for krang zombie raph when they had to leave him behind too like#he's insecure and scared and has a habit of masking his vulnerability but like#he's not gonna withdraw in that way while everyone goes oh well haha thats just how leo is now no they'd fuckin... talk to their brother#idk what im even getting around to anymore im just bummed
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genuine question to folks i dont talk to on the daily: how do i go about making myself less intimidating? im constantly scared to step out of my bubble, but i also am a little tired of getting zero contact from others when i repeatedly ask for art requests / questions / ect ;-; i know im not a popular artist but at least i could try looking less like a threat?
#chattering#i AM fully willing to outright say if someones being an ass or rude but also... id like to actually do more again#i considered making a server or blog for my mod but i do NOT draw that much rn and the bullshit last year made me scared of. people#even more than i already was#so i kinda dont know what to do#honestly even just saying you dont hate me on anon would be nice at this point im doing real fuckin bad NDHDKDN
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// tw blood //
yeah teachers satosugu is fun but how bout cult leaders satosugu
#tw blood#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#satosugu#gojo satoru#geto suguru#sorry but i HAD to draw gojo with blood all over his face#i have SO many thoughts about this AU#i know gojo is cat-coded as hell but consider: geto's loyal guard dog gojo#he will do all the dirty work without geto even asking him. he'd stain his hands red for geto without question.#theyre so disgustingly in love#this all started with me brainrotting in my friend's dms#and us wondering what wouldve happened if geto said yes when gojo asked him if he should kill everyone in the room when he retrieved riko#and things kinda spiraled from that point onwards#that sketch with geto holding him back happened because i was thinking about that “GET YO FUCKIN DOG BITCH” “it dont bite” “YES IT DO” vine#geto's the brains of the operation and gojo's the brawn#(if only because gojo's too lazy and thinks murder is the fastest way to solve all their problems)#ok im rambling too much bye#my art
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STG I'll expand on this sometime but I actually do find Raiden's story the scariest of the MGS lot. (Venom's is next-and that tracks because they have similarities)
#hey did you know nothing is real to the point of being given a mission by FUCKIN ROBOTS raiden did you know we've completely erased#your life in your head and you don't remember everything and AI is so powerful it can actively warp an entire person#like when he's standing in new york in the end game and wondering if the people around him are real like NO SHIT#just the internal panic alone of looking at someone and wondering f they're real or a goddamned AI and it isn't even in his head ITS WHAT#ACTUALLY GD HAPEPNED TO HIM#MAYBE im bias b/c ofthe psychosis and all but fuck that is SO freaky#like if i was raiden I'd just leave like bye im going off grid and you will NEVER SEE ME AGAIN EVER#but this is jsut conjecture raiden isn't real either akjsdnsdkja but STILL his sotory absolutey hurs my brain#mgs#mgs2#raiden#like he is far from my favourite character but gd if his sotry isn't an absolute MENTAL FUCK LOAD
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This draft isn't even actually a draft, it's just me putting down my full thoughts FOR the draft. Why is it already 45 fucking pages long, I'm going to throw myself off a cliff
#toast talks#Toast writes one extremely self indulgent neuvi x reader fic and it consumes her for three weeks. more at 11#AND I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE SEX YET FUCK ME WHY DO I HAVE FULL FEATURE LEBGTH MOVIES FOR THOUGHTS#This is why I never post anything anymore because every single fic I want to write will end up being fuckin 70k words#That's even if I get it to come out how I want#Anyway#I've fallen back down the Neuvillette rabbit hole. Goodbye you will not see me again until I finish this fuckin draft#I think I should clarify it's 45 pages in my notebook and not on a computer. im writing front and back on pages so it's actually only like#22 pages and some change. But front and back of 22 pages at least#I'm getting delirious at this point I should really slow down but I can't whoops#This is what happens when your selfshipping doesn't have an outlet with friends. You go a little psycho bonkers and write a whole novel
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oh yeah okay go ahead kiss a ninE year old what the fuck !!! WHAT THE FUCK !!!
whatever credit i was giving chase before null and void i never said it
#even weorder is that the showrunners even made it a fucking plot point HUH ??? WHAT ARE YALL DOING ???#the writers really want him to be the antagonist FINE you got me hes the worst forever#also i found out the actors actual parents founded a fucking anti immigration party here in aus so thats cool 💀#not that that reflects on HIM as an individual whatever whatever#the point is maybe i hope the shows dont give hima big fuckin redemption and maybe i like how awful house treats him now <3#deserved idiot be better next time#im bapping him over the head with a roll of newspaper every time he speaks like im his cartoon character father#speaking of maybe the writers were right to give him his whole sympathy story BEFORE they nerfed his moral compass#he still has an australian accent in an american show tho so its gonna be hard to shake this familarity bias i have for him 💔#house md#house s2#m#live
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So yeah avoiding my phone didn't work and also meant I sat on the kitchen floor staring into space for about 3 hours before Alfie woke up but hey at least I didn't break anything
Them being around is helping a little but they're also struggling and it fuckin sucks bc I know we're both just. Rotating money stress in our minds
#like. i went out earlier to get bread#just bread bc we cant afford anything else#got just enough in the bank to cover the work thing but since management stjll hasnt gotten back to me on HOW to pay it its like#our electricity is already in debt lol it has a thing where you can go £10 into debt before it switches off#and it usually wont switch off over weekends#presumably bc all but 1 places nearby thst we can top it up at are shut on weekends but anyway#so we're like. okay. it MIGHT last today and if it does thst SHOULD mean itll last till monday.#but then itll be at least a tenner in debt#then we only have to last till thursday but its. do we keep this money thats for The Thing that is once again unclear on how urgent it is#or do we spend it on the Soon To Be Immdiately Urgent thing#and thats not even CONSIDERING food lmao we. i got 2 loaves of bread so we can at least survive on toast for a few days#we got 3 maybe 4 meals worth of stuff still in the kitchen#like...at this point i dont even care if i have to go a few days without eating at all to make it to thursday but its.#its so fucked up those are the terms im thinking in#and this isnt asking for more donations i really cannot take that today im at the fuckin bottom of my barrel#and already feel hopeless and useless and an active drain to everything around me#but its. like. how. why. why is it still like this. why is it looking extremely unlikely its ever gonna change.#whats the point if its all for a few scattered handful hours of actual peace and comfort never mind happiness#tldr yes i am once again suicidal but small s#like in the sense of i would feel immense relief if a truck came at me on my way to work tomorrow and would not step out of the way but#dont have it in me to actually consciously act upon
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the unbearable agony of wanting to view fandom content or interact with fellow fans but your fandom has like five people and maybe three fanart drawings since 2017 ♡♡♡
#YES THIS IS LIVE WITH YOURSELF.#IT'S JJUSTT NOOTTT FFAIREE#oh btw if you relate but don't know lwys then you can. reblog or whatever?? im just venting over here honestly. alright so anyway~#WHYYY. AT THE PEAK OF MY HYPERFIXATION I WAS AFRAID OF THE INVOLUNTARY CRINGE ANIMATION MEMES MIGHT BRING.#BUT AT THIS POINT IDEGAF ANYMORE. I'M WILLING TO REGURGITATE MY INTERNAL ORGANS JUST MAKE !! IT !! FUCKEN !! HAPPENNNNN GODDDDNDKSNSN#WHY DO I HAVE TO DO ALL THE WORK AROUND HERE??? JORDNJAMS IS CARRYING THE YOUTUBE FAN CONTENT. HE POSTED *ONE* LWYS VIDEO. WHAT THE FUCK#working on the animation isn't enough i need it to EXIST NOW#IS IT EVEN NAME DROPPING IF I GO AND SAY IT?? FUCKIN. AN0NYBOB. THEY ARE LITERALLY HALF OF THE ENTIRE FANDOM GOD SAVE MY SOUL PLSSS#IF YOU'RE SEEING THIS. THANK YOU SOOO MUCHH FOR THE LWYS RELATED ASK I WAS ON A DOPAMINE HIGH FOR A DECENT WHILE I THINK#GOTTA SPREAD PROPAGANDA. GOTTA. SUBMISSIONS. OBSCURE WAIFUS?? MAYBE?? PLEASE SHOW ME EVERY BLOG I CAN SUBMIT A LWYS CHR TO I'M DESPERATE
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i think sometimes people forget that there's more than one way to be trans & that bigots Do Not Care what flavour of trans you are, they want us all dead so can we please stop arguing over things that literally dont matter and lift each other up instead of tearing each other down? im sick of this afab vs amab, tme vs tma, transmasc vs transfemme, the total erasure of transnonbinary & trans intersex individuals (or just nonbinary & intersex ppl in general). im so so so sick of all these new boxes we're trying to stuff each other in when elder trans ppl fought so hard against those boxes!!
for fucks sake, no one trans group has it any better or any worse than any other trans group, we just have it different, the transphobes want us ALL dead - whether its for different reasons or by different means, dead is dead. they dont care if youre tme afab transfemme or if youre tma axab transfemmasc or if youre a god damn clown fish. its all the same "agenda" to them.
im so fucking done seeing posts saying "trans women have No idea what its like to deal with....." or "TMEs fuck off! you're not welcome here!" or any of that shit because THAT is exactly how white supremacists get a foothold in. THAT is how we lose this battle. fucking THAT is how we get divided and conquered. they want us to split up into smaller groups and fight each other, they want us to be too weak to fight back and the way to do that is to wittle down our numbers & until they can get away with outright killing us in broad daylight (more than they already have) they have to make do with splitting us up and turning us against each other
im just sick and tired of all the infighting, you're either with ALL of us or you're with the white supremacists, idfc if you are trans yourself. we need all of us to work together and put our differences aside. it is not that fucking hard to sit yourself down and go "ok well they may not know what it's like to be me, but i dont know what its like to be them either" and realise that turning against other trans ppl just bc "they dont understand" is ridiculous and just a bad move when we're in the middle of a fight for our fucking lives. who cares who's "more oppressed" this isnt the god damn olympics, this is the fight for human rights and right now we need to focus on keeping all of us alive. save your petty irrelevant fucking discourse for when we aren't focused on trying to keep our community ALIVE
#bug talks#bug rants#this is inspired by being transnonbinary & experiencing transmisogyny as well as transandrophobia and they are both equally bad#& way too many of yall binary trans ppl seem to forget about those of us who Do experience what its like to be treated as both#ive been mistaken for a trans woman & a trans man more times than i can fuckin count#they are both insidious#but way too many of yall are too busy arguing over who has it worse and whos forcing who out of what space#yall dont even realise that its a community wide issue & people are guilty of this on all sides#but sure keep reinventing gender norms trans edition that's fine#and when we get our throats stomped on and our intestines pulled out by our mouths im sure itll Really matter whos tme or tma#which btw is a term that doesnt even make sense because any person on earth can be a victim of transmisogyny bc transphobes r idiots???#you cant tell who's trans and who isnt by looking at them and so even cis women and cis men and trans men and intersex folk can experience#transmisogyny so i dont understand what the point of that label even is
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One day I will learn, that just because the bottle is low, does not mean I need to finish off the bottle.
#imma be so fuckin hungover tomorrow#someone should kiss me#and i moght be either asexual or aromantic or both which like woo thats funny to only me for so many trauma reasons#i love#im so drunk#i too drunk#i stated typing thos at 12:30#imma smoke pot after i post this#if your reqding my tags hi i love you. why are you reading this though like im a schizo bipolar depreased trans girl im unhinged in the tags#i need to stop drinking by myself#if think im an alcoholic as well if it wasnt for the fact that i can genuinely stop when ever i want but idkmaybe that changes?#at this point im just typing to annoy myself cause i think its funny to annoy other people and itd be hypothetical to not annoy myself#im ramblimg in the tags and honestly its your fault for still reading this#trans thought time#i wish i was born with a pussy but i do like having a cock and there is a possibility im genderfluid and fuck me that sucks if true#like how do you transition if your genderfluid? like i kinda want a cock and pussy and i know thats an actual option#but is it the right option?#i hate being trans but not knowing what kinda trans maybe ill hit where im at with my gender and just say tranny#cause i already say faggot for my sexuality instead of anything specific maybe i should just say tranny#this is probably what a therapist is for but idk if i can justify paying for this instead of saving money to buy a hoise#america sucks#capitalism sucks#love is such a bullshit thing#how can i be in love with some ane be in love with someone. being in love is nothing but selfish but also you have to be selfish for youryou#like i know that doesn't make sense sense but it makes sense to me and i also know its wrong#maybe i should give up and spend money on a therapist#i love my freinds and would sacrifice myself for them literally#12:51 and i have one more short tag to add#i hope you didnt read this far cause even in a drunk state this tag is embarrassing and im sorry you know me irl im sorry this is rambly+ugh#but if you dead read all the tags <3 i love yoh and would die for you
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Hey can you invite me inside your house? I promise i wont bite you and suck you blood.
huh? 🥺? why not? change your mind!! now!!
#ask#anon#this neighborhood fucking sucks#i cant get fuckin anything#whats even the point.#i was extremely tempted to reply with something else but i figured i better not even if it had me reeling#anyway. thank you for the ask. sorry you cant come in. i dont roll that way. i have so much blood to give and im sorry you dont want any.#sorry. 😔✨
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this is going to be my last post on the matter because i have this person blocked in as many ways as i possibly can and i keep learning shit about them against my will but
i literally have NOTHING to say to ANYONE who agrees with this person's human + "human-acting" charr bullshit when they wholeass took a character that is SUPPOSED TO BE WRITTEN CANONICALLY AUTISTIC and said with their whole fucking chest "im glad they haven't ruined his characterization by over-humanzing him <3" go eat a fucking brick, actually.
#from beyond the grave#i made the other post unrebloggable but no you know what? this one stays free.#if this breaches containment and they see it? good! i *want* to start a fight at this point!#also im losing my fucking MIND at how its BAD for any other race to have relationship issues that are too ''human''#but they haven't pointed out the literal fact that we got the canthan xpac because gorrik was *insistent* he go see his old crush#but oh no sorry i forgot that asura treat relationships So Fucking Clinically in-canon#that its basically nigh IMPOSSIBLE to tell if an asura is even IN one unless they tell you#im surprised this person doesnt throw shit at taimi and gorrik's relationship dance#but we all know that its okay for the uwu precious baby ratties who have done no wrong uwu uwu uwu#to have the barest hint of fuckin HUMANITY written in them just so long as anet doesnt cross some invisible line of being ''TOO human <3''
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the thing about well-meaning people saying "you're not ugly!!" is that it feels a lot like people who tell fat people "you're not fat!" like sure you're trying to be nice but you can't change material reality and also even if i am it shouldn't MATTER that's the point
#im not fat but well. people will insist im 'not ugly'#but no one has ever wanted me or found me desirable or attractive so lets call it what it is lol#same fuckin deal with 'you just arent in the right crowd'. which ace person hasnt heard 'youll find the right person one day' lmfao#even though being attractive would be nice. THATS NOT THE POINT!!!!! the point is it would be nice if it didnt FUCKING MATTER!!!!!!!!#it would be nice if it didnt hurt!!!!!!!!!!!#i want a perfect bodyyyyyyyyy i want a perfect souuuuuuuuul but im a creeeeeeeeep im a weirdoooooooooo etc#tbd
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