. anyway after writing the tags 4 this post i told my research partner i will no longer follow his dreams lmao. still helping w it but i need to engage in research that i find satisfying

Hello Dr Tingle! I wanted to ask you about that re: your post about how all your books are serious literature (hell yeah Love is real). How do you personally deal with the whole traditional publishing institution? It attracts a whole different level of coverage and it seems that they're very quick to try and box you and like turn you into a brand. Is it stiffling? Is it freeing? Does the attention help more people understand your trot? I don't know I've never been published but since you have experience in both traditional and self publishing I'm interested in knowing how that's feeling for you

well this is a pretty complex question with lots of different trots but i will try my best to answer. lets start with WHO I AM as buckaroo name of chuck

what i create has a very strong voice and my way is pretty recognizable. while buckaroos do not know what most authors look like, i REALLY stand out in a dang crowd with a big pink bag on my head. if you see 50 random author photos and mine is mixed in and then you ask 'which photo do you remember the most?' it is probably gonna be chuck. i also have a VERY UNIQUE STORY with what i create and my artistic sensibilities, not a lot of buds are out there making trans mothman erotica along with their big five traditional publishing bestsellers (SIDENOTE preorder BURY YOUR GAYS)

now if you were going to take 'CHUCK TINGLE' to a marketing department they would FALL OVER BACKWARDS IN THEIR DANG CHAIR with excitement. it is hard to think of an author with a stronger BRAND than i already have in the sense of 'instantly recognizable trot and specific unique style'. even in answering this you can tell that i dont even TALK like other dang authors.

what i am getting at is this: i am VERY VERY LUCKY because my existence just so happens to equate to what a company would see as GOOD BRANDING. it is not intentional on my part, it is just the hand of fate i guess. im out here expressing myself in a FULL ON WAY that is PRETTY DANG STRANGE TO SOME and it just so happens to work as mainstream branding too

on paper you might think 'what the heck no way chuck tingle will fly as a mainstream trot' but honestly the main thread of this timeline can be surprising sometimes. ive been saying the key ingredient for years and i will say it again: LOVE AND SINCERITY RESONATE. when you make art with this fuel, the timeline will feel it. when you stand up tall and shout with your whole chest THIS IS MY WAY AND I LOVE MYSELF. I AM THE WORLDS GREATEST AUTHOR TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT, the timeline will listen

so all that said, i do not mind the idea of myself as 'brand' because i am not CHANGING myself to create this effect. what some might see as 'brand' i just see as another part of my art. i have always believed that art is THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE not just the painting but what is outside of the frame. WHO I AM is just as important as the books i write, and interacting with my way is a whole MULTIMEDIA experience that INCLUDES YOU TOO. it is the feeling when your friend shows you your first tingler cover, or the feeling when you realize that i am not playing a character. this is ALL a part of the tingleverse and it is all a part of my honest raw expression as a queer and neurodivergent buckaroo.

YOU ARE PART OF THIS ART TOO

it is my nature of have a PUNK ROCK trot. always has been. but to me that does not mean just angrily going against everything for the sake of going against everything. for me, this punk rock trot means fighting to EXPRESS MYSELF IN THE MOST HONEST AND PURE FORM POSSIBLE and to create the art that i want to make without any boundaries

somehow i have threaded the needle in this really interesting once-in-a-dang-lifetime kind of way. my pure punk rock self as an OUTERSIDER ARTIST just so happens to resonate with this larger system of brand and traditional publishing and popular culture. i COULD reject this, but rejecting it would be LESS HONEST.

this is just who i am. i LIKE pop culture. i LIKE joy. i LIKE dressing in all pink and wearing my custom suits. I LIKE PROVING LOVE IS REAL WHAT THE HECK ELSE EVEN IS THERE? i love being a queer outsider artist and using my small voice to shout at the big bad devils and i like that every time i shout a few more of you buckaroos join the chorus and together we are just getting louder and louder and louder and WHO KNOWS what comes next for us all trotting together.

when i post something like 'WHAT A GREAT DAY TO PROVE LOVE' it is not me sitting here in a bad mood thinkin 'well i gotta make todays post to keep up with my brand'. i am ACTUALLY FEELING THAT FEELING and i actually believe it with every fiber of my being. honestly, half the time i post about the beauty of this timeline i am probably over here literally crying tears of joy (chuck is an emotional bud i get riled over the joy of existence A LOT)

and heres the best part of this trot: because i really have this punk rock way it makes me very powerful. others can pretend not to care about success and brand and all that but I REALLY DO NO CARE. i would write tinglers whether buds were reading them or not, this is just my natural state, and that makes me incredibly strong. if some big corporation says 'YOU MUST DO THIS' and i dont want to do it i just say 'no thanks'. it is not some big debate about my career or anything like that because I REALLY DO NOT CARE IN THE SLIGHTEST. i care about the art

because of this, my relationship with my GIANT TRADITIONAL PUBLISHING MACHINE is great. we trot like equals and we get along really well. i tell them exactly what i want to do and they let me do it. i really do not have to answer to anyone and they deserve a huge amount of credit for respecting me in this way.

and heres the thing, THEY ALSO HAVE SOME GREAT IDEAS

SPECIFICALLY my imprint of NIGHTFIRE is very dang cool. yes, they are the head of a giant hydra of a BIG FIVE PUBLISHER, but nightfire is SO DANG ART-FOCUSED

there is no right or wrong way to be an artist, and my path is not the only one, but i can tell you what WORKS FOR ME. this is the advice i would give myself, and buckaroos can take it or leave it

here it is: never beg the big book publisher, or record label, or movie studio to pay attention to you

do not let it become a lotto ticket in your brain. do not think that you are some weak little creature and maybe if you trot just right they will scoop you up and take care of you. do not go to their door begging to be let in

LET THEM COME TO YOUR DOOR

create something so incredible and beautiful and honest and powerful and unique and important that they would be foolish to miss out. create a community or a system or a timeline or a world of imagination that thrives on its own and THEY SHOULD BE SO LUCKY TO BE A PART OF IT

then when you sit down at that board meeting it is not 'please brand me, ill do whatever you want'. instead, it is 'lets make a deal and see how much love we can prove together.'

now lets trot buckaroos

how i view shifting!! 🎀

so after years of learning and cultivating my own idea of what shifting is and how it works, here’s my take on what it is and how i understand it:

as many people mention when they talk about their shifting beliefs, i also take into account how creation is finished.

meaning, everything that has, is, and will happen already did across all realities (the however many infinities of them that exist)

because this is true, time no longer has any meaning because all moments in all realities exist at the same exact moment. now.

starting out, i always associated shifting with movement, going from one reality to another.

but really, there is no movement because you’re already in both/all realities that exist right now. you’re just more focused on this one rn.

here are some affirmations that i say when im shifting (bc ik for a fact that ive exhausted the others where i feel like it’s more habit to say them and i don’t really focus on what i say anymore)

i am fully aware and conscious in my dr/wr

i am happy that i have shifted, just like every other time i try

i know i have shifted, because i know that have before and i will again

i am fully grounded in my dr/wr

i am disconnected from my other reality (not original reality, because there really isn’t an original one)

it’s honestly crazy how every time i try to shift, i’m successful

(after saying like, one affirmation) i don’t have to affirm anything anymore because im already completely grounded in my dr/wr, but i’ll keep going bc i want to

i don’t like to say “i am in my dr/wr”, because why should i have to affirm that part? i’ve always existed there and have been there, i shouldn’t have to affirm that yk yk?

one of the most important things i've learned on the journey is how insignificant and not special shifting actually is.

yes, when we think of shifting we usually think of going from being in a reality without anything 'special' to being in one where you study magic or you are a superhero with powers or you're literally a deity.

but what shifting boils down to is focusing on one reality to another based on what we want to happen. by going to a reality where specific actions and moments take place.

therefore, we shift with every single action we take in life.

some of you reading this may have just changed the position they were reading in or fiddled with your hair a bit.

newsflash: you just shifted, babe.

you shifted from a reality where you were completely fine in your position or you didn't touch your hair to one where you did. because you wanted to. because you could.

to clarify, here's an example: I shift to my drs to experience the scripted moments that I know will happen. In my cr, there are dirty dishes I know are in the sink to be washed. I know I will wash them later. In this reality, the moments from my dr haven't taken place but will once I set the intention to shift. My dishes will remain dirty unless I set the intention to clean them. once i get up and do the dishes, I've shifted to the reality where I've done the dishes in that moment. Once I shift to my dr, I've shifted to the reality where those moments happen as I've scripted they will.

as shifters, we often get caught up in the amazing worlds we get to experience that we ignore the fact that shifting is all the little things you do on a daily basis.

Instead of thinking of shifting in your current reality as you just scripting moments from your drs in your head while absentmindedly doing the dishes, shifting is present just as much in the action of you doing the dishes. bc there is 100% a reality where those dishes were left undone.

this post is long enough, oopsies. 🤭

you are the universe and more, babes 🎀

in honor of world mental health day heres my story below the cut :)

kinda hard to talk abt this cause its somewhat triggering and ik theres gonna be ppl who think im just an emo 15 y/o, but i swear im not tryna be dramatic. im tryna make peace with my past, and also show others that despite everything, you can make it.

also, im tryna show that healing isnt all sunshine and daises. theres the good, the bad, and the ugly. you can and will survive it all

tw: sewerslide attempt, abusive parents, self harm, violence ig ?

ive died two times in my life so far.

the first time, it was my parents who killed me. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am. i remember dragging across the hallway in my house, a throbbing sensation in my thigh, the mark already turning purple. i walked past my younger sisters' room, where my cousin was sleeping over with them, and i remember climbing into bed, hugging my pillow, crying against the pillow. that night, it was my innocence that died. my childhood happiness, per se. i remember swearing to myself in those final moments before darkness that id never forget that day. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am.

the time between my two deaths was filled with barely anything other than self loathing. i remember trying to set goals for myself, reasons to live. i tried out new hobbies. i was never able to meet those goals, and all the hobbies bored me.

i met some of the best people ever during that time. i also met some of the worst. i might sound dramatic, cause im young and impressionable, but the people i met during that time genuinely shaped who i am. i dont wanna act like im an old soul or anything, cause im sure that in a few years imma look back and think, "shit, i was really immature." but i matured faster than others my age. i found myself faster, found things i liked, found love, found out i hated being in love.

and then i died again.

this was a recent death. june 22, 2023. my mental health had been deteriorating for months prior – i still have scars on my arms.

it was a slower death compared to the last one. i started dying at around 4.00pm. it went on for an hour before the pain became unbearable and i confessed to my parents. i didnt want to go to the hospital, i was scared of what theyd do. i threw up seven times before giving in at about 8.00pm. they took me to the hospital. i was told told me i was lucky to be alive, that my liver was still functional. i didnt feel lucky. i felt like death wouldve been less painful. my head was spinning

i died in that hospital bed, at ~9.40pm, with my eyes wide open, my mom sitting near me. my thoughts at the time were along the lines of this:

im quite literally a child in the eyes of the world. ive done nothing. i have a psychology exam tomorrow. i have a book im halfway done writing, and a new story thats been brewing in my head for months. but if i die now, ill never get to finish any of that. ill never succeed. ill never be able to spit in the faces of the girls who bullied me, of the teachers who doubted me. why would i do this to myself? why would i rob myself of that chance?

so i died. but not the same way as last time. this time, it was the poisonous me that died, the me that whispered in my ear that my life would amount to nothing, that everyone else had it better, that you either succeed or you dont.

and when i died the second time, something happened that didnt happen the first time.

i was reborn.

at the time of me writing this, its been less than four months since my rebirth. in those four months:

i decided to change the world somehow. not necessarily by finding the cure to cancer or anything, id be satisfied if it was just a cute lil video i made going viral. as long as theres someone out there who i changed

i finished about six chapters of my book

i began writing the story that had been brewing in my head

i started lifting weights to make myself feel better abt how i looked

i got closer to god. stopped missing prayer

i moved schools, leaving behind both bullies and friends

i started focusing on my studies

i tried to fix my relationships with my parents and my siblings

dont get me wrong. none of these are completed. im still an extreme case of nobody-ness. i havent finished writing either of my stories. i still skip out on working out a lot i still only do the bare minimum in terms of religion. im still struggling to catch up in school to make up for my three years of burnout. my relationship with my family is still kinda weird

and i still feel like im dying sometimes. its not like i changed overnight and all those suicidal thoughts and feelings of drowning just disappeared when the sunrays came up. theres still a lot of issues in my life.

but i have faith in myself. in my ability to change the things that can be changed. in creating happiness where theres room for it to be made.

and if finding happiness a losing battle?

well, ill fight like its the fucking boudican revolt.

hi fang!!

i apologise if this is something u get asked often, but ur writing is most definitely my favourite to consume and ive never felt feelings the way i do when i read anything you've written, and was wondering if you have (or have already posted) any writing tips that u could give me?

reading your creations for so long has honestly really inspired me to write too but i have no idea where to start in terms of anything. i've never attempted to write before, i've always been more of a reader, but if i could make anything even close to what you do for beloved characters and fandoms then it would make me so so so happy.

if you need me to be more specific about what i'm having trouble with i could try and narrow it down but honestly everything is pretty accurate T-T

anyways thank u for posting everything u do, i am eternally grateful! at this point im conditioned to get excited every time im scrolling on dash and see the green katsuki pfp <3 hope ur 8 hours wherever u are isnt too perilous >:(

this made my lower lip tremble how could u think so highly of lil ol me.... im very glad my writing could invoke such feelings you!! enough so to even inspire like how huge is that... im a very unpolished and messy writer by nature so im extra moved when people are kind to me about this kind of thing. like.. ough. i have moved u... what a world...

i dont know if i have any good writing advice to give you!! im very clumsy in my own writing. here is some advice i have given people before

my biggest piece of writing advice is stop worrying about it and do everything lightly. i think there is a lot of pressure and expectation on people who are trying their hand at any creative thing to hit a point of being objectively good. im a huge perfectionist in my normal life - but because of that, i always miss out things i could actually do. being that caught up on the details made it so that i never actually tried at anything

a lot of my writing has typing errors and things i could do better but i have to intentionally allow myself that grace because if i don't - i would've never finished a piece of writing in the first place. i only get better if i write and i only write if im not so caught up on the details. there is always going to be a learning curve. im always going to look back at old writing and wince a little at all the things i can do better.

but at the time, i had the confidence to put that out into the world. now that its out, i can look at myself critically. posting for me is a way of holding myself accountable if that makes sense. everyones already seen the flawed version, so there's no longer any reason to not improve or be embarrassed. its also why i dont delete fics even when i hate them later. there was one person who liked the cringe worthy sincere aspect of me. how nice would it be if i could make something even better than that.

writing can be anything you want. it can be the most important thing you've ever done or the thing you do on the bus ride home. it can change your life or you can forget about it the very next day. its yours. your voice is always all yours.

but you it can never be anything to you if you don't just give it your most honest try. do everything very lightly. pick an idea, map out a beginning middle and end, and write a story.

more practically - it will help immensely for you to observe the way other people write first. try to read critically instead of for enjoyment and see what you like. what inspires you? a persons flow, diction, dialogue? and emulate that in your own way. when you start your voice will not be much more than a mish-mash of all the things you love and that's okay. that's what all writers with very distinct voice tend to do anyways.

i know it seems counter intuitive and pointless to stress but really - the best thing you can do for yourself when it comes to writing is just sitting down and giving it a try. pick any idea, plot out a simple 3 point beginning middle and end, and just see what you can do. you can be critical and edit as much as you want after. just get it down on paper first the best you can and don't worry yourself sick over each sentence or nothing will ever get written

i can try and give you more practical advice if you let me know what you need!! ive given writing advice before but im very under qualified for that i fear. even so i hope it helps you a little to give it a shot. i know it sucks to hear u just have to try and see but it rlly is true

-of three

yuuuuuup, i think this is where i tap out, whatever was the comic i originally fell in love with this is no longer it, hasnt been for a long while.

in a sense it was kind of inevitable, if this comic intended to last any serious ammount of time and try to tackle a serious kind of story it couldnt stay as the wacky, histrionic, horny and chaotic extravaganza of cool body horror and funny silly characters it was when it began.

the later, more angsty, more complex, more... can i even say "grounded"? let's say heavy parts of the story were just not doing it for me, though not through any fault of their own, i should clarify. is just simply not something im in the mood for anymore.

i think something changed in me, in my temperament, in my tastes, in who i am. i think i lost the taste for highly dense, highly complex convoluted stories with thousands of characters and moving pieces and giant ambitious worldbuilding and deep lore. or maybe is not that i lost the taste for them, is that ive already involved myself in far too many of them. i am currently reading one piece, kill six billion demons, gunnerkrigg court, the locked tomb series, as well as watching dungeon meshi, yellowjackets and a bunch of other shows. maybe my head has just ran out of ram to keep all of those things straight in my head and still care and be invested in all of them simultanously.

or maybe feast for a king is just a little TOO damn chaotic and its cast a little TOO crowded with people and its timeline a little TOO convoluted. to be honest, after a while keeping track of it all felt more like homework than anything else, and after hitting a certain scale you kind of start hitting powercreep induced nihilism. like, between the five different types of hekatonks, the queen worms and the king worms, the kings seeds, whatever celadon is, cyborg powers, heart worlds, double hearted mandragoras, the weeds, hybrids, clones, mutants, gods??? it really feels like just about anything goes. death is kind of meaningless in this world, powerlevels are kind of meaningless, what is possible or impossible is kind of meaningless, we have shapeshifters and possessing bodies, and mind control, and astral projection, and ghosts, and time travel. anything can be anything anywhere all the time, it just becomes meaningless. insipid. there is no up or down.

on top of that the morality of any given character is so fucked and the scale of the horrors and sins commited in this story are so overwrought that i also fail to be morally invested on anything? are there good guys? bad guys? is there even a right or wrong here anymore? i know there are characters i nominally like, but i dont even know what version of that character do i sympathize with really, do i really like this character or do i like what who they were 500 years ago? or maybe i only liked someone else pretending to be that character, or maybe i dont like the character i like the worm they became after they were eaten by worms, etc etc and so on and so forth.

i just lost the plot. it got away from me.

i think you can be highly chaotic and ambitious in one or two things when executing your story. either worldbuilding, or the order of storytelling, or characterization, or morality, or nature of the cast. but not all of them all at once.

still, i do not want to leave this with a bitter taste in my mouth. i do still highly respect this strange beautiful beast for what it is and for what it tries to be. i wouldnt want it to be anything else. its just too strange not to like. im glad something like this exists. and by golly did it give me some great moments. let me say that again. it gave me some amazing moments, some truly magical experiences that i never got from anything else. and just for those incredible scenes and characters i will always have a corner in my heart where embers will burn dedicated to it. i dont think its flaws take away from the good i got and i would still enthusiastically recomend this to anyone who is mildly curious and has way more patience than i do

it was truly a feast, in all senses of of the word, and i had my fill of it.

hi!

im soooo happy you're unflagged now, slutty chris as your pfp was something i missed a lot when i opened tumblr haha 🫠

anywayy, i was wondering what tips you have for finishing WIPs? like, i have about 6 of them that are pretty long already but each time i open one i write about a paragraph and get unmotivated againn

i really wanna post this multichapter ive been working on since january (it's a dad's best friend trope, if you're wondering 👀) but im writing one last chapter and nothing will come to me :(

do you have any tips for getting motivated or just general things that help you stay focussed?

Hey!

Same! It felt like such a long time 😫 (I mean, it was almost three weeks, so it kinda was a long time, but you know what I'm getting at)

Your wip sounds super interesting. I'm sure they're all devine. Sending you all the ✨️motivation✨️

I don't know if I have tips as much as I can tell you what I do (or what I try to do, at least lol), but anyway, here goes--

I usually don't have more than one "actual" wip at one time, I obviously jot down ideas when they come to me, but I'm not writing multiple full-fledged fics at once. I'm writing a fic, and maybe I'm working on some writing for Tumblr at the same time. Other than that, I just don't. I'm VERY tempted at times, but I force myself to take it one at a time. Even when it might be painful, lol.

(And I'm aware that I'm very privileged to have a brain that works in such a way as to let me write like that.)

Plus, as weird as it sounds, I've found the more I write with a single wip at a time, the more moving onto the next idea I have becomes a reward in of itself.

As far as finishing what I'm working on currently, usually I start with an outline, literal jot dots, for what I want the fic to be. Obviously, it doesn't always follow what I first put down, but there's an outline at least. Then, I go back and fill in that outline where I know nothing is permanent. I literally write the full fic in jot dot form. It just might be missing bits and pieces. It's still in jot dots. After I finish through the whole outline--expanding the ideas into actual writing--I go back, and I go section by section, removing the jot dots while reading for things I might need to change, things I might want to add, etc. After I get through the whole thing that way, I re-read it as a normal piece of writing. Again, changing or adding or removing things or whatever as I go. Then, I usually run it through a program like Grammarly or some shit to catch stuff that I can't catch (thanks dyslexia). Finally, I copy and paste it into AO3, reading it one last time, in a different font.

My schedule for writing on the weekend (soon weekdays, too... almost hello summer 👀) is to write for an hour after I eat breakfast. I'm a morning person, I get up at 6:00 am, then I sit on the couch with my laptop and type for an hour. Usually like 7:00-8:00am. Then I'm done. I'll come back to it tomorrow. It's a routine that's been my routine for a couple of years now, so I don't even really think about it. I just do.

(Also, obviously, if I'm in the middle of a scene or something, I write down what I will need for later, but I have shit to do, so I have to stop.)

When I'm in the middle of writing and I get stuck, usually I scroll back up to what I've written earlier and do some rereading. Or I scroll down and freshen my memory of where I'm trying to take this thing. Then, I integrate back into what I'm trying to write, thinking about the feeling I want to create, what picture I want to paint, what the internal world of the character I am writing is like (what is their "voice"), etc. When words won't come, I think about things other than words--if that makes any sense, lol.

If that doesn't work, rereading, I might take a breather. I drink a lot of tea, so I might go make myself some tea, sometimes thinking about what I'm trying to write, sometimes not. Usually, I get a lot of ideas the second I set my laptop aside, lmao. Or it comes to me when I'm pacing, waiting for water to heat up. Usually, because I write for an hour, I feel pressure to write the whole time, but I don't have to. No one has to do anything. It's all good. Take a breath.

A breather.

I also always listen to music when I'm writing. Almost always music with words but not always the same genre; I'm not just listening to horny music or whatever when I'm writing, so if I'm stuck, I might swap to a new playlist. Maybe one that is intentionally matching for what I'm writing--a more sexual playlist for smut, a softer playlist for romance, an upsetting playlist for angst, etc. Or maybe one that clashes, that always shakes something loose in my brain.

(Listening to straight fucking screamo when writing an intimate, quiet, fragile scene is objectively hilarious, too, so I entertain myself.)

Usually, when I write in the morning, I don't have as much trouble with my dyslexia because I haven't exhausted myself reading and processing the bullshit that letters and numbers do all day, but if it's just a bad day for whatever reason... I might swap fonts and try to keep at it. Usually, I write in Verdana, but I might swap to Comic Sans or something for a while.

Or, if I'm stuck because of dyslexia or anything else, I might just stop for the day. As a perfectionist and workaholic and, just, someone who you could not pay to sit still and not do something, I'm trying to allow myself more times where I can just stop. A lot of the time, I push through, though. I tell myself 10 more minutes, then you're done. A tangible goal can be good.

What really motivates me is getting the fic out. Not even necessarily getting it out and publishing it to AO3 and seeing people's reactions to what I create, although that is undeniably an incredible thing to experience. I feel compelled to write. I like the process of writing. And because I've accidentally created this rule for myself where I have to finish one thing before the next, I have to get something out to start the next. Editing is the WORST, but I will do it to move on to the next. That's just my workaholic nature.

It'll probably kill me one day... it's not the best. As a consequence, I will readily admit I forget what I've written CONSTANTLY. I don't re-read what I write once it's finished. I move on to the next idea so fast that I forget what I did prior until other people bring it up. I'm propelled forward with very narrow vision. Again, it's not the best, and I should learn to stop and appreciate what I've done. It's hard, though.

Also, talking to people about your ideas is always a good way to go. I should do it more, too. I find myself being a very selfish creator. I create from this place of compulsion. I have to get it out. I don't know why, I just do. It's the way I am. And I create alone a lot. I'm an introvert and a highly independent person, I like to be alone, and I like to make things alone. So, it's easy to fall into the same pattern of being private and only showing off what I have when it's fully finished, complete with a sparkling varnish. But that doesn't have to be the way it is. Share bits and pieces, talk about what you're doing, let other people tell you you're doing it! You're doing a good job! They're excited to see the next update, no matter how small!

If you can't/don't want to share, though, a fun way to bounce ideas around is going, okay, I have to make a list of [whatever number, 20, 50, 100, etc.] ideas. They can be absolute fucking garbage, all of them, but I am going to list out as many as I possibly can. If none of them are good, great! They're no longer taking up space in my brain. They're on this list. If one or two are good, great! You can build on those or warp them to fit.

I hope some of that helped, lol. I just tried to explain the way my brain works, and it isn't pretty, lmao.

ik i hardly Blog so this is weird but i just want a place to put some thoughts about my Life so here ya go. very stream of consciousness

i have been struggling so much in the past year or so with drawing for fun and in trying to figure out why that is, im reflecting on all the changes in my life, and im starting to get really scared that like. what if i just outgrew art (in the form that i usually make it). like i grew up in Fandom and thats what motivated me to draw, loving characters and ships and such. and i still do love shows and stuff obviously but i havent hyperfixated on something in a long time and like. in the past few years ive started working, started college, discovered im bisexual and fell in love with my boyfriend, he moved in with me....... and i just dont interact with media the way i used to bc i dont have the time. im busy doing adult things and having normal people emotions. and i still WANT to draw, i still think its fun and i love the feeling of making cartoons that im proud of!!! but the Ideas are gone. so thats what i mean when i say i might have outgrown drawing. i dont do it like i did when i was a teenager simply because ive grown up. but it makes me worry, because 1. thats my main fucking hobby that i love so much, and 2. im a graphic design major and my goal in life is to be a storyboard artist. this is like my whole THING. and what if i just dont have the passion for drawing anymore? then im fucked. idk. i want to get back to drawing for fun cuz then ill remember why i chose this career path in the first place. drawing is so central to who i am and i just dont wanna lose it. i already feel like ive lost so much of myself in growing up (i love my bf to death, but going from an obvious lesbian to straight-passing has been really fucking weird for my self image). i just wanna draw some funny cartoons it makes me happy

if u read all that, ty for lending ur ear. im open to any thoughts/advice but not necessarily seeking it, i just wanted to put my own thoughts into the world so they didnt stay trapped in my brain

the usual

im mad because im trying to read books again, specifically trying to pick up toxic parents and body keeps the score again so i can try and Help Myself basically now that im back in the limbo of having no therapist. but trying to concentrate on shit and hunker down and learn things when i know it’s good for me i swear it’s like a flashbang goes off in my brain and everything just whites out. ‘concentrate’ isnt even the right word for it because it’s like i cant even begin to get started. it’s like staring into the sun to even begin to think about stuff i guess, it’s all so overwhelming. i want so much about my life to change, so much, so badly, so drastically, but so much of it just doesnt feel feasible that it’s like ive implanted this mental block in my brain to even dream of change because it’s too caustic. 

that ‘autistic masking’ article about the boy who would build and paint his models at night then clean everything up so he left no trace of himself... i think about how much ive whittled myself down and have tried to take up very little space. how i dont play my music on speakers, dont draw anymore, basically only took up writing more because it was something that was between me and a notepad document and didnt take time the same way as drawing, and wasnt possible to immediately consume like a drawing (people grabbing my sketchbook and just flippantly turning the pages, skimming past drawings that took me hours in favor of minute long sketches, glancing at drawings that were supposed to express my deep feelings and having immediate reactions of disgust or ridicule)

i make kandi put it on a chain then put it away. it cant really go anywhere anyway, not like i’ll be attending raves again any time soon. i have no reason or place to wear my ‘fun clothes’ anymore. i wore what i thought was a cute outfit at christmas and even my immediate family had some shit to say about it. i wore a pair of stockings that ive had (and worn) since i was 14  years old. i wore them to my very first raver day at disneyland. and theyre surprised when i wear them now? like they havent seen them before????

even here i was about to say “i tire of myself” and close this window or hit post and stop here, but literally my blog is one of the only places i can actually express myself somewhere and send it out to a place where it’s seen. yeah i can write things down in my journal and ‘express myself’ there so that “personal stuff” isnt online but... i already do that. set up my models and paint them late at night, then put them away before anyone sees in the morning. djing only in my headphones at 4am, pulling them off periodically to make sure they arent too loud even through the headphones. lighting candles but opening the window so there isn’t “too much” scent. 

if im autistic or have adhd or some combination of the two, then my whole family is too and all undiagnosed (save for maybe my dad. i think he’s the closest one of us to being ‘normal’). i took that blorbo quiz and it asked “How would they describe themselves?” 

how would -i- describe myself? i dont know. people tell me im smart and funny. i think it’s because they cant think of anything nicer to say.

Part of me is still chasing the approval of all the world’s English teachers. Getting compliments on my writing makes me feel like my life matters. And I still struggle to ask for love and affection when a real, flesh and blood human is looking me in the face. It’s difficult for me to believe someone might care for me as an equal, and like things about me other than my intellect. I frequently have to remind myself I’m no longer a child, and don’t need approval of the “adults” anymore.

as long as im stuck living with my parents im going to perpetually be the child. it’s also really fucking frustrating knowing how ill prepared i am to live as an adult. even when i had a job i had to quit it so i didnt kill myself. i dont think just getting a job is the answer, though i know it’s a mandatory piece of the puzzle. ugh god

Hey!

What are some indicators of starsseed in a natal birth chart?

Also which starseed are you?

Thankyou <333

Im not too familiar with the birth chart but here are signs of a starseed from my own experience:

Always felt like the stars/moon was my home

Always felt like i couldn’t fit in anywhere

The black sheep of the family, making changes that benefit all of us while being belittled

Trauma turned into becoming a healer

Always feel destined to be someone important/famous/making a big change in the world

Started tarot reading when i was 9 and always asked the Divine for guidance ever since I can remember

A lot of paranormal experiences (some were traumatizing)

Always feel the need to “fix” (teach) humanity starting with society

Drawn to crystals, sacred geometry, angel numbers and Garbovi codes, and frequencies

Lucid dreaming and traveling to different dimensions ever since I can remember (lucid dreaming is where you control your dreams)

I have a deep knowing of things from past lives, Ive been here before. I believe I was an important figure in my past life and I will be again, this time even more “important”, a bigger mission

I am an Arcturian starseed. We’re here to help raise the vibration of earth during it’s awakening (which is already happening). We are now in the Intuition Age where instead of problem solving, you follow your intuition and read the energy of the situation. Qualities of Arcturian starseeds are:

Exists in the 4th-6th dimensions (I’m in the 5th)

Telepathy

Healers

Inter dimensional travel

Time travel (yes I’ve done it without trying to and I was VERY surprised. Time “slowed down” while I ran errands and even though I thought I was going to be late, I showed up to school right on time. I should’ve been at least 20 mins late…)

Magick with colors, geometry, frequencies

Channel messages easily from the Divine (that’s one of the reasons why Im a tarot reader)

I will never forgive current government for destroying all my dreams for better Russia I doubt anyone will forget this war in the next 50 years

I still dont even get why it happened. The political and economic drawbacks which are obviously would happen concidering all the sanctions Russia got before the war for doing less in Ukraine are much more than any gain I can imagine. Brainwashing and lying to your population and especially the army they are sending to kill and die about why youre doing this especially makes this shitty. So many people believed trully that they were going to help people of Ukraine or something along those lines or didnt even know they were going to war. This is sick. So many people were killed who wanted to protect their home by people who blieved they were liberating them... For what?? A bit of land? To make our enemies fear us again? They made so many people die only to make their own sitizens suffer as well.

I thought about suicide more times since the war started than in total in last year or so before it bc I was so fearful that I might be drafted which fun fact I can be during war even tho Im technically not viable due to my mental state being a wreck and also being so depressed about this situation. First came economic sanctions then I realised just how much itll affect every citizen when such mondane things as microtransactions in Warframe - a game which I was relying on for like half a year to keep myself sane were not working since almost every way of payment wasnt working in Russia. I realised just how much of an impact to the Russian economy it was. Then almost a full out fucking war came on Russian culture and history (much of which is shared by other slavic nations btw) came. Ive been trying to share it for years bc of how good and underapriciated it was and then bc of actions of current government shit like redacting the name of THE FIRST MAN IN SPACE came. Then Warframe's developer company Digital Extremes or DE for short decided themselves that players from Russia and Belarus wont be able to do microtransactions. I cant convey how devistated I was from a thing that any other "normal" person would just be annoyed at. This game was almost all I was thinking about for months, it helped me not to go too insane or depressed for about half a year as I mentioned earlier, I was dependant on it to be happy at the time. I felt like I was stabbed in my back. I spent most of my savings on this game which wasnt a lot but still. And then at my lowest point at the time, already crushed by the current situation a punshiment for a crime someone else commited, a crime I was against and had no choice in came on me and many other faithful players in my shoes. It just kinda broke me. To my brain by doing something like this it was almost like saying I am responsible afterall punishment should ony come to guily. It didnt help that many people in the games community suppported this decision. I felt like I was going insane like the world was crumbling around me. And I couldnt even bring myself to play a game I relied on for moral support for so long.

Well this is the situation from my point of view. I wish that I was in the worst situation that came out of this shitshow bc I cant bring myself to imagine anyone dealing with something worse. And people do have it worse than me bc of what my government did. I wish I could strangle every single one of people who approved of this in the government myself. But even if I did that the situation wouldnt change. Even if I do feel guilty for feeling bad and venting about this in this situation I hate people who told me to "put things into perspective" bc my suffering was less than sufffering of others. An analogy comes to mind when people say that. A person is strapped to a seat in the back of a car and cant escape, the driver of the car is speeding up to ram into another car despite your protests. The driver than rams into another car killing and injuring people inside while you get less injured bc you were in the backseat. Does that mean that you should be prosecuted for murder as well just for being in the cat that was rammed intentionally into anther car causing death? Or that your injuries shouldnt be treated on the same principle and bc other people have it worse?

I recognise the nessecety of some of the actions but I am outraged just how far people are taking it in "protest of Russia's current actions". Whyd my german friend's bike tires were slashed several times just because he was born in Russia even if he moved to Germany long before he turned 18? Why are exhibits in museums that are Russian are being rid off? Why was the name of Юрий Гагарин, the first human in space was redacted in official documents during some large confirence??? Even thought he died long before Putin became president.

I feel a bit better after venting thanks for reading if you did read it.

its like 1 am and for once im not having insomnia i haven't even tried to sleep. took some edibles earlier - i do this all the time, don't usually have epiphanies tho- and had some kind of big beautiful butch gender revelation. like. i don't know how to put it in words. both nothing and everything has changed.

i now feel like it is extremely important that i value myself. i think if you don't carry the weight of being a kind of outcast just for being your authentic self it's hard to understand what the lack of self worth is like. like it's not a conscious thing. i valued myself beneath others, not always and not extremely.

i told my gf that if anything she is the protagonist in our life. and we talked about that for a while & then she went to sleep in the other room (so i could stay up in the bedroom, nothing is wrong sometimes it's just nice to get a bed to yourself) and then i like. watched some videos of butches on tik tok & thought about how if i could love them and feel these indescribable feelings for them i should be able to do it for myself. like if my gf looks at me and feels the things i feel not when i look at her but when i look at other butches, sort of (i wanna be clear i do love her but its different than the way i need to be loved). she looks at me and sees the person that i wanna become, and who is worthy and deserving of love. like all of the things i think are stacked against me aren't. theyre actually bonuses.

and i am starting to believe it, because i can believe it about other people, because other people like me exist.

i am not explaining this well. this is the third time ive tried to put it in words its not coming out right but it's like a combination not just of my girlfriend's love but of the way she views me and the way i and other butches view ourselves and also like. ok joy said something about me having confidence against the straight world like my lack of self worth comes from the fact that i exist in a world that fucking hates most of the things i am. im a fat ugly gay non apologetic gender non conforming autistic woman. and even if i logically believe im valuable i have internalized the belief i am not because butches are so demonized. and i can know this and not be able to untangle it. but my revelation was the beginning of me pulling the thread and unraveling these beliefs.

like currently i wear sweatpants and a tshirt with no bra every day. there's nothing wrong with this really abd i mainly do it because its comfortable sensory wise. i also wear outfits for several days in a row. and so maybe i look masc but i look sloppy (hence why im sloblesbian on most platforms). but i don't look how i wanna look. and like i always think well when i get my life together ill start dressing well. but i can do it now. i can just put on the clothes i have nicely and try and be the best version of myself that i can currently be.

like what the fuck. i have literally given this advice to others!!!! bitch the fuck. you know this on multiple levels but haven't applied it to yourself?

this is the kind of shit I read and think i have already overcome but I haven't. there's always more room in your heart from loving yourself.

now i just need to get permanent residency in canada so i can take care of this weird little butch girl in my bed. (its me lol)

Ill probably make charumiq2 for next ep for easier navigation for meeee But yeah thats done now thats um aaahahahha

- bernkastel showed up i am so happy. YAY! So many mentions of this lambdadelta i kind of thought shed be satoko somehow but im not seeing it rn well see when she shows up

- i rly hope the witches wont stay as only ????? characters n get weaved into the main story but guess what im like 100% sure thatll happen at least somehow but i dont know how. Miss bern said shed help me YAYYY! So nice of her

- i can rly see what ppl mean when they say it starts slow though it wasnt a problem for me bcs i liked the characters in the family already but i can totally see it being a problem for someone else Bcs like i knew theres witches. So theres the whole "ooh u think itll be a regular murder mystery but its fantasy" "is there a 19th person ooh" Well that just doesnt happen at all. However smth ive been noticing about wtc that although theres always secrets and thus always reveals theres SO MANY mysteries that the story doesnt rly lose THAT much if u know smth (But its still important to me that i get to know things in the order the author wants me to like in general so spoilers r still being crazy avoided...)

- i had the theory that beatrice was very young when kinzo met her and was traumatized by his "love" and then died and her spirit is sort of haunting the mansion but its not entirely clicking what that would be so im ditching it for now

- i know tea party and ????? cant be taken tooooooooo seriously but theyre the main reason i dont think that anymore See Im kind of doubting the existence of a human beatrice altogether. Sure bernkastel was kinda rikaing around but it seems too complicated to compare it to that so no way

- I still cant forget lambdadelta sharing some resemblance to satoko (from the shit that i saw BEFORE i was avoiding spoilers Im talking very very slight like rly just hair n eye color) but i feel like we wont see her in the next ep at all. Im imagining (hoping) each ep might have a new witch in it. I cant imagine the gold thing going all the way through 8 eps so... (Bcos What riddle takes that long.)

- Favs r still maria and natsuhi from the human side at least Like that didnt change. And i doubt it would I also like jessica a lot i do

- motherhood goes crazy Natsuhi and Jessica i could die and also marias lack of motherly love rips me apart

- Im very curious about the physics of this though or i mean like What now? Are we going back in time? If so how much????? Im kinda imagining its just kinda similar all over again but with different sacrifices each time but the ways that can be done r hmm. Someone else might try to do as the epitaph says and thus killing people but yeah.

- Not to be battler but if ep1 were to actually be a humans doing itd be maria (u know) natsuhi (absolutely not sorry for even saying it queen but she was running around w the rifle and all and had a lot of control over some situations) or kinzo (its easiest to believe that corpse wasnt really Him out of the corpses The toe thing isnt convincing to me but theres the problem of Ok whose body is it charlie? and i wouldnt know)

- Excited and baffled it was 12 hrs i feel like i started it what maybe this week idfk School starts again so i have to slow down the pace but thats ok...

- I thought the role of "the witchs messenger" might change too but i kind of hope its just marias job each time i liked the way she did it shes so fun

- no clue abt the rules of this world yet but im excited bcs theyre spelling it out to Think about it so u know it wont be obvious I dont even think i Can make a good guess rn

- natsuhi save me

the absolute enigma

what does it take? to be at peace. to get used to things. to not feel overwhelmed everytime you experience something mildly unusual. i am super tired of feeling, i wish i could stop. watching the vampire diaries now makes me so nostalgic and i wish i had a humanity switch to just fucking shut everything off. i know this lacks all kinds of context so ill get started on a few things. today i visited someone at the hospital. a specific someone who is the most important person in my life. its nothing serious but its the most serious thing. anyways, given that i have spent so much time in and around hospitals i couldnt help but assure myself that i am used to it and that its nothing new. well, turns out only one of those two things are correct. this is nothing new to me, i have been spending so much time at hospitals since i was 10. what and why can be ignore because the reasons vary vividly from very deadly surgeries to a simple token. the feeling of walking down the long and empty hallways that are dimly lit is the feeling i know like the back of my hand. looking at terminally ill humans and just walking away as my heart cripples is a yearning that comes to me as easily as blinking. BUT what i have realised today, is that no matter how many times i do this, i will never get used to this. everytime it is still a fresh, overwhelming experience. but what matters is that this person is fine and so am i. that is it. also i keep thinking about a lot of things, always, obviously. but recently ive been pondering upon how people keep changing a lot. like a lot of time i spend thinking about this is wasted daydreaming or sum shit. this is what haunts me. everything that happens inside my brain is never real enough for the world but to me its the closest to reality ive ever been. idk if i should listen to myself or literally everyone else. its also about how i never want to give up. like, tf?? will i ever be ready to give up? honestly, i dont think so. because i want this to change. i do want to give up on certain things, that is what will enable me to enjoy what i have right now. the yearning to grow and want and have more, the potential to be in possesion of the best, is simply disabling me from enjoying where i am at right now. i keep thinking about how i dont enjoy the things i have now and how i let all the experiences pass because i am hopeful that i will get to experience something better. i can tell that i am never completely present in any situation, i keep thinking i will have the best situations to be present in. heck, i shouldve already been there, i should be there now. but i am not. i am simply choosing to deny where i am right now because i am not where i want to be. it makes a lot of sense when put into words but i hate that for myself. i like to cherish every experience, low or high. but right now, all i can think is, i am commercially analysing this and im getting into all types of politics in my head. maybe the thoughts are isolating themselves to change my likes and dislikes because thats one way of grieving. i dont want this. i hate this. hence, i want to give up on my dreams. but can i ever? i really do not think soooo ughhhh. maybe thats because i keep thinking that my dreams are not really dreams, they are goals that can be achieved. and somewhere i know that if i try hard enough i will achieve them but i just dont know why im not putting in the effort. or just why i did not put the effort the first time. but fuck it. im gonna try again. what have i got to lose? where i am right now. i hate that possibility. ik its not the greatest place but there is something about this that just clicks with me. so, like i said, ill keep trying. lol. and... uh... yeah, thats pretty much it for now. REGARDLESS (the irony), what kanan said about existential crisis flows in my veins: give up your dreams, death is coming, lets party!!

hi! im a freshman in high school, and joined marching band this year. it’s been the most amazing experience of my life and ive already made friends, which i never thought i would be able to do. ive been really lonely for a really long time, with only a few friends who could count on me, but i never felt like i could be truly close with. that all changed with band. i still talk to my old friends and eat lunch with one of them sometimes. but today they ate lunch with my band friends and me and it caused me so much anxiety. i think they are most likely autistic and they dont really talk to anyone except me, im pretty much their only friend. like someone will ask them a question and they’ll just stare at them. i have to talk for them and keep conversations going, which makes my anxiety go crazy. it feels like i have two different worlds- my band world and my old world from middle school. now my old friend is talking about joining band next season and i don’t really want them to. im going to have to go back to being their full time friend and i know they’re going to latch onto me and probably won’t make any friends of their own. my band director is super intense and i know things won’t be good if he tries to talk to them and they just end up staring at him. it feels like my two worlds are colliding. im happy for them for putting themself out there, truly, but i have a lot of anxiety whenever im around them, and more when im with both them and my new friends. i love them but i also love having a new world where im finally happy. this whole thing is making me anxious and i have no idea what to do. i feel like such a shitty person because im their only friend and i feel like im abandoning them. any advice?

Hey there,

It only makes sense that you do not want your two worlds to come together and to form one. It definitely does not make you a bad person though in regards to this so please do try to be kind to yourself and not too hard.

When I was in high school, I was in a similar kind of situation to you in that I had two group of friend groups, my old friends, and then my new friends that I had recently made since starting high school. My new friends gave me a sort of ‘on top of the world’ feeling in that they offered me something different and new that my old friends could not. Yes, I still felt like I had to be loyal to my old friends, but I knew that I also had to think about myself and what made me happy. In your situation though, you feel as though you need to be there still with your old friends and so this must make things that much harder.

I want to reinforce what you said in your Ask though when you mentioned that before joining the marching band you only had a few friends that you felt could ‘count on you’. I think this is really important to bring your attention as I am sure you know; friendship is a two-way thing where it’s only fair that what you give out to others in the friendship is reciprocated. So, I want to ask you, what do you get from your old friends, what do these friendships give to you, not what you give to your old friends, but what do they give to you. The answers to this question may help to show you why you are so much happier with those friends that you have made from the marching band, and so I encourage you to really think about this.

I am not in any way suggesting that you leave your old friends, but it’s important to put yourself first and do what makes you feel happy. It’s not up to you to communicate or that for other people, it’s a skill that we all need to learn and so I am wondering if you could help your old friends with this or at least point them in the right direction to someone who can help them with this, even if it’s a professional like a counsellor who can spend that extra time with them to help them to learn how to better communicate with others and to work with them to make these things a little easier for them with this. Again, this doesn’t make you a bad or shitty person for doing this, you are simply just putting yourself first for a change and trying to implement changes for your old friends to help to lift that burden from yourself.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

baffled at how quick and easy it is to have mutuals on here. and like. how much overlap there is with different fandoms + interests + etc

tumblr feels so much different in comparison to other platforms because it hardly really feels like a competition. (when you're not trying to focus on numbers, reblogs, and attention)

RANT BELOW: READ IF YOU DARE

geniunely the amount of variety i've seen on here and the less algorithmic (in comparison to other sites) structure that tumblr has is such a breath of fresh air. instagram had made me feel like the veins in my skull were about to pop. twitter gave me anxiety attacks. with tumblr? i've been able to FULLY block shit i dont want to see by curbing my feed in a way that suits my interests. but not in a way that has negatively affected me.

the recent posts ive been seeing about how staff kinda has been trying to fuck shit up and make the platform MORE like instagram. MORE like twitter have been scaring the shit out of me. (i will never call that fucking platform X. not on my fucking grandmother's grave will i ever do that.) This is simply because i'm a lazy ass. i don't like using html. i'd have to retreat to spacehey or fucking neocities if this place gets more fucked up than it already has. Which, chances are, I probably fucking will LOL

idk why im going on this tangent. it's 3 in the fucking morning and our mom has a doctor's appointment. yet here i am, thinking about the future of the internet and how the big social media sites are sort of just. crumbling as we speak. everything has been riddled with ads or useless content spirals that take your attention away from shit that needs to be paid attention to. it's like nothing has fucking changed in this world. (of course, a lot of things have. but the chokehold that big corporations have on information and the media we consume. and people just take it like it's nothing)

for some reason that reminds me of the opening segment of the Sugar (SOaD) music video. "NOBODY IS OPENING THEIR EYES! COME ON! I WORK FOR THE SYSTEM!"

got to love the fucking. capitalistic system that is such a behemoth that even a song from fucking 1998 still fucking resonates now, 25 goddamn years later. the SAG-AFTRA strikes have really shown a huge incentive for change. i hope that other industries start strikes like these. they need to fucking happen. we need fucking CHANGE before we all wind up being completely unable to afford the basic necessities of a first world country. Even now, it's hard for people to stay afloat. COME THE FUCK ON. rant over, a lot of shit has been on my mind lately