#im just so SICK AND TIRED of well-known people treating us like shit in my fandoms. I'm SO FUCKING DONE.
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Sigh. Daily reminder that us otherkin and fictionkin are our own people and that we cannot control who we kin!!! WHO WE KIN DOES NOT MAKE US BAD PEOPLE REGARDLESS OF OUR KINTYPE!!
#fictives and irls too. like. please. be more sympathetic.#im just so SICK AND TIRED of well-known people treating us like shit in my fandoms. I'm SO FUCKING DONE.#fictionkin#otherkin#plurality#irls#fictives#irl community#introject#mark's thoughts#i cant believe this is still an issue man#LIKE IF i could control it i would not be half of my kins
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alright folks , i made this post last night about amending my carrd rules . & now , after calming somewhat down from getting sick to my stomach about it , i must now make one final update post about this to make people really & fully understand where i stand . why ? because i am , once again , having / needing to finely comb through the people i want to follow & interact with due to some very , VERY toxic behavior & terrible , childish individuals that think its real cute to stalk , harrass , steal , & gatekeep folks .
understand that i will NOT be namedropping anybody in this post . this is not my intention . i am not out here to isolate folks or make people ‘ chose sides ’ . making people do that is absolutely horrible ! i do not give a damn who other people interact with . i do , however have extreme issues with theft ( amongst other things ) . i can draw a god damn line at theft !
harassment ? don’t care . you’re trolling , i can ignore you . gatekeeping . you’e petty and attention seeking im here for friends anyway . but actual literal theft - i can draw a line there . please get out & OFF MY BLOG if you are so unoriginal that you haveta steal from me or my friends !
please know that you can interact with those thieves & gatekeepers , i don’t care ! but understand that i will most likely softblock you because i genuinely do not want them to find me . no hard feelings . ( they have found my other 2 blogs , and i am tired of them finding me ! especially for baizhu ! i don’t even follow some of my friends here cause of this ! ) i am not even in the genshin community to begin with . my group ? we don’t do communities for toxic behavior and people being so exclusive to the point of driving people out & away . its distasteful and mean ! do you know that i have some friends that were cut off from communities entirely all because they were a dupe ? tHAT is the kind of dupe drama i fucking hate . along with theft . anyway . i will start from the beginning of my rules that i deem important .
DUPLICATES . ( AND MIMICRY / THEFT )
the irony that this is the first point . it is like it was a wonderful transition . anyway . this is actually having to deal with two rule points . and i want to group them together cause they are related .
myself & a few other people have come to find out that .... there is somebody AT THE VERY LEAST taking inspo from us . i will start with dupes .
my friend has a character and was WHOLLY mistaken for another mun . which is fine . that happens , but things took a turn for the worse when they were then shunned / cut off because they werent ‘ good enough ’ . do you know how HORRIBLE that is ? to be told that you aren’t good because you weren’t the mun that they wanted ? this is the type of shit i cannot stand with dupe drama . DO NOT EVER COMPARE DUPES WITH ONE ANOTHER !!! i mean it .
i follow different childes ! and you know what i adore them both . they are both amazing !
sure i may have my mains / exclusives ( and im not inclined to interact with other blogs of that same character ) but i still like portrayals . i do , in fact , just READ threads sometimes . i don’t necessarily follow for interactions . like ffs man . i like variety . jesus christ .
going to mimicry / theft . you know ... i have fucking seen this with a couple of friends . there is a difference between coincidental similarities , however ! for myself & for my friends , we have SEEN inspo taken from us . im gonna say this really loud for people .
MIMICRY IS NOT FUCKING FLATTERY .
do not take inspo from me . especially without credit . absolutely do NOT do it . you are very unoriginal for doing that shit .
now , you like something i make / made ? you are inspired to want to make something ? fine , that’s okay , you can ALSO fucking ask me , you can also credit me . as you fucking should ! you can notify me and go , damn , i really like your style , do you mind if i use it in xyz ? sure , go right ahead . do it . im begging you , go ahead and do it IF YOU FUCKING ASK ME . god im so fucking angry about this , but this is some vile shit . and im angry .
i am angry and terrified cause i literally cannot get away from these people cause they seem to be wherever i go . i DO NOT DO COMMUNITIES BECAUSE OF THIS .
as a good friend said : it’s like they are a virus that you cannot get rid of .
thats what happens with attention seekers unfortunately , but for the sake of my safety & health , i will not have it on my blog or dash . if i see these people on my dash often , i will unfollow .
and it isn’t like a specific person , its a GROUP of people . which leads me to my next point .
DRAMA / CALLOUTS.
imagine having beef with an individual , and then going around and gatekeeping that individual and getting people to unfollow / block them . im not talking about , ‘ hey this person is vile because they ship incest ’ . i am talking about ‘ i had a disagreement with this person & they hurt my feelings >:/ they are mean and will hurt you . etc etc etc . ’
i do not give a flying fuck about somebodies issues with another person . so you guys don’t get along . not my problem . i have people that hate me . i have friends where i hate their friends . shit happens . i am probably absolute scum to some people lol . i get mistaken for other people sometimes . it’s fine , hate me cause you think im that person . that person is snowflake repellent anyway , go choke on your kool aide that you are drinking ig .
okay sorry i am angry but still . people claim and cry about wanting to talk & communicate . but then . guess what . sometimes shitty people are like , so this person said this to me , and they are mean . IF YOU ARE THE PERSON THAT GOES ‘ OH MY GOD HOW DARE THEY ’ AND BLOCK THEM THEN YOU ARE THE PROBLEM . i will give an example . of using my two names that i have .
somebody goes to amphy and says ‘omg ghost said this , and im frustrated and angry with them cause what he said was uncalled for . ’ if amphy goes ‘ omg ghost is shitty ’ and then unfollows / blocks them without any other discussion , then thats an issue cause ghost has no idea wtf happen . amphy got involved in YOUR relationship with ghost even though ghost has been nothing but kind and sweet to you . you also don’t know if amphy is just victimising or being emotional either . so why they fuck would you believe somebody who is venting to you about it and then block somebody who did literally NOTHING to you .
i dont know if i explained that correctly but i will give you something more realistic , again without namedropping .
i have a few friends that hate one another . i’ve known all of them for years . but they all , i kid you not , they ALL fucking hate each other . there’s three of them . and they cannot stand each other . i just happen to be somebody who gets along with all of them . you bet your ass that at one point , they all came to talk mad shit about the others . what did i do ? i went , oh okay . well im sorry that you have issues with them . sounds like a bad experience , but i can’t do anything about that cause i am not you and i am not them . if you are gonna change my mind , it isn’t gonna happen , sorry !
i have had people shit talk people i have no idea who they are , and i just sit here just being a source for them to vent , but i never NEVER EVER act on anything i hear . why ? cause its petty drama and gossip . if you do that , then damn , sorry kiddo , get some help on that alright ? maybe be nicer . i dunno .
now . racism ? pedophilia ? incest ? HARMFUL SHIT ? that’s different . but again , theres a lot of miscommunication . i have people coming and pulling the cards like they are hot shit and that isn’t fucking cute . THAT ISN’T CUTE GUYS . you are the problem if you try to victimize yourself cause of something YOU misinterpreted .
i have a friend that has this on their blog .
i am literally going off on a god damn tangent . anyway . :)
fuck you if drink kool aide .
THERE ARE OTHER MENTAL DISORDERS! YOU ARE ABLEIST IS YOU ERASE THE OTHER (UN)COMMON ONES.
i know that autism is the ‘common’ one here . you are valid okay . but guess what . ADHD , BPD, DiD, and straight up depression and anxiety are also things as well ! there are MANY folks here that are also undiagnosed as well OR they lay on some sort of spectrum as well . I am once again not going to disclose my own things here cause again THAT IS PRIVATE INFO , but fuck you if you refuse to see other disabilities .
also there are physical disabilities as well btw .
if you are not understanding of any other disability , or you wanna mute / deafen other mental disorders , YOU ARE THE FUCKING PROBLEM .
end of story .
treat other people how you want them to treat you and don’t you dare ever shove your baggage at them . thanks .
please be more understanding that some people are not okay:tm: .
i implore you to get help if you need help , but sometimes some people dont have to take your shit . and they most certainly do not need to sit and take your issues if they are not okay either . its toxic and very unhealthy behavior to expect others to help you . they can help you as best as they can , but you need to understand that everybody has their moments . do not guilttrip them . do not gaslight them .
but also understand that sometimes , people are saying things cause they genuinely need help ! you can be there for them but as a friend , you need to also tell them your own boundaries as well and tell them that they need to seek professional help .
but also , if somebody refuses to get help , then that is on them . not on you .
anyway another tangent , but back to the point . autism , while you need to understand is something you need to see and understand , is not the only mental disorder ! and you need to understand that some people suffer from really REALLY shitty things and are sometimes undiagnosed . i am really REALLY tired of depression , ADHD , BPD, and DiD getting brushed under the rug like they are not important . cause guess what , there are spectrums ! all mental health is important . fuck you if you disregard the other disorders , you are being ableist .
STOP HATE READING PEOPLE.
im really sick and tired of this . you don’t like something somebody said ? you can either : ask what they meant or block / unfollow them .
DO NOT FUCKING STALK THEM EITHER .
you have an obsession if you hover on their blog too .. do not do that . that is SO unhealthy for you . here is what a friend said on twitter . ( not name dropping them , just copy pasting them )
❛ i stg people need to fine a better hobby than to hate read a persons blog or profile. not a good look on you when you go and read what they post about just to get angry at something you think they said and then you go off spewing lies about it cause 'youre offended.'
like you already hate them in the first place. you weren’t 'looking to see if they were a better person.' youre just looking to find another thing to hate about them.
that is what hate reading is about. so you can read their posts and find just another reason to hate and laugh at how bad you think they are.
but it doesnt make you a better person. it just makes you a sad person with no life. stop hate reading people. grow tf up. go breathe on some plants or something idk.
i say this very loud and clear . if you hate read me , i live in your head rent free . not my problem . but it does become my problem if you begin to steal shit and start spewing lies about myself or my friends . grow up and move on with your life . sorry my life seems more interesting than you ig . idk .
anway this got long , and at this point i am going off on a tangent but !!!!
TL ; DR
read my rules ig . idk .
you can dm me for more info if you want . at this point i have blocked the problem blogs for myself. if you are curious you can ask . HOWEVER. i am not going to tell you to block or unfollow . why ? cause at the end of the day , it is MY beef . this are my issues . i am NOT here to gatekeep .
i will say that i will tell you IN private the for MY story . but keep in mind that it is MY story . not yours . not theirs . it is all about perception .
my perception is that they are scummy gatekeeping thieves . they gatekeep the people they dont like or are intimidated by . i am somebody who fucking bites and calls people out on their shit , because of this ? i make enemies . but my enemies are not yours . i dont care . dont give a damn . i am intimidating to people who are cowards and i don’t care .
if they feel bad when i call them out ,
if they try to go around and do damage control ,
then that means they are guilty .
and then you can ask yourself this : why are they reacting like that ?
i am once again going to bring up that other twitter user that i quoted before .
❛ you dont like hearing that because someone is holding a mirror up to you and it makes you uncomfortable because you know you . and you know the parts of you that are good . so in your heart you have to come up with a narrative that makes you feel better about the fact that somebody is asking your to confront the parts about yourself that you hate the most .
anyway . this got long . im so sorry for the long read . im so sorry i sounded hostile ad angry . im just volatile sometimes . im just really tired . and i dont need to come on this blog and have a panic attack .
anyway . cheers loves ! stay happy , stay healthy . drink your fluids . take your meds !
#long post.#update tbd.#ooc tbd.#// i have no idea what else to tag this tbh .#there is drama mentions though so there is that i guess ?#but this is all important so ...#anyway ...#read / skim this or perish 🔪#also if you wanna like this to let me know you read / agree with this go ahead .#im not checking for typos i am tired .
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the second disaster: playing dumb gets you nowhere* *with exceptions
the first disaster | the second disaster | the third disaster | the fourth disaster | the fifth disaster
summary: on a visit to the local museum, virgil meets and attractive tour guide and manages to convince him (somehow) that he doesn’t believe that egypt is a real place.
it gets better.
warnings: cursing, remus, deceit
pairings: analogical and brief demus/dukeceit/the ship with no name
wc: 1587
a/n: you don’t need to have read the other fics in the series to read this one, but i’d recommend it because i spent a lot of time on them
um, there’s a mention that patton says he doesn’t know who virgil is, which if you’re following the canon of this series wouldn’t make any sense, so let’s just assume logan described him so badly that patton didn’t recognize him.
taglist: @analogical-chaos @ilovemygaydad @alltimevirgilant @virgiliananxiety @romanticsanders @theincediblesulk @wroammin @creativity-killed-thekitten @bitchyybabyy400 @wooflesthatwoof @lyditist @heck-im-lost @max-is-tired @demurphart @thelowlysatsuma @land-of-dragons-and-frogs @theeternalspace @magicallygrimmwiccan @weirdsthenewnormal @romansleftshoulderpad @andrewisabraveboy @satanblessi @supbitchss @diamondrush862
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"Why did I have to come with you?" Virgil moaned as Roman dragged him towards the local museum. "I don't need the research!"
“Museums can be cool! Come on, I just need someone here to make snarky comments about the birds in the wildlife wing,” he pleaded.
Virgil rolled his eyes and relented. “God, I hate you.”
“Love you too!”
Roman dragged him all the way to the wildlife exhibit he was supposed to be studying, and several families were confused by the angry emo 24-year-old being pulled by the arm by a bubbly 25-year-old theater kid to a random exhibit in the museum.
Virgil and Roman had been close friends since high school, where they met through the misadventures of a mutual friend, Patton, and Roman’s brother Remus. The four had drifted apart over the years, but the two of them had gone to the same college and now, three years later, Virgil was still stuck going to this stupid museum with Roman.
As Roman diligently took notes on the exhibit he was supposed to be researching, Virgil wandered aimlessly around the Egyptian exhibit and looked at all the… old stuff. (He was never really one for history. Too many white people pillaging and colonizing and not enough sword-fighting.)
He leaned over to look into one of the glass cases, and the attendant walked over with a smile on his face. “Interested in these artifacts?”
“Oh… they’re cool. I was just looking around, really.”
The attendant nodded, still giving him that tight-lipped why-are-you-here smile. “Okay. These are scarab beetles. They were very common in ancient Egypt, and they were worshipped back then. They were sacred animals in Egypt.”
Virgil glanced at the attendant, who seemed to be about 26 or so, and noticed that he was… was it appropriate to say that he was smoking hot? He had tattoos up and down both arms, and glasses that framed his face perfectly, and Virgil’s bisexual ass was crying for this man to keep talking to him.
“Yeah,” Virgil said, running a finger along the edge of the case, “I used to think that wasn’t a real thing until I came here.”
His mouth opened and closed a couple of times, before blurting out, "You didn't think Egypt was a real place?"
Virgil, who was now slightly mortified, did nothing but nod. Oh, god, this hot guy thinks I'm an idiot, he thought, still smiling at the tour guide. “I -”
“My stars, we get some idiots here…” he mumbled, and Virgil started, a bit offended.
“So what if I don’t think Egypt is real?” he asked, affronted. “What are you going to do about it?”
The attendant blinked once, twice, apparently at a loss for words. “I…”
“You know what, I’m going to go now, and you can mull over that,” Virgil said and then stalked out of the exhibit, head held high with the tour guide still tripping over his words behind him.
He strolled through the museum for a little bit longer before catching up with Roman, who was still diligently taking notes on the exhibit he was supposed to. He glanced up when Virgil approached him and shut his notebook.
“Where were you?” Roman challenged, frustrated. “You just wandered off.”
Virgil stuck his tongue out at him. “Sorry, dad. I was just in the Egypt exhibit; I accidentally convinced a guide that I didn’t believe in it, too.”
“You did what now?”
He rolled his eyes, as if this was a normal thing that Roman should have been able to comprehend. “I convinced the guide - who was ridiculously attractive, by the way - that I didn’t believe that Egypt was a real place.”
Roman stared at him, openmouthed. “You - oh jesus, you’ve got a crush on this guy, don’t you?”
“How’d you know it was a guy?” Virgil said, raising an eyebrow.
“Because I know these kinds of things, Virgil. You treat girls with so much more reverence than you do guys, so this crush is a guy.”
He pouted. “I don’t have a crush on him. I just liked messing with him.”
Roman folded his arms across his chest. “Describe him.”
“What?”
“Describe him,” he repeated. “Do it.”
Virgil stared at his best friend and then sighed. “He had like, really soft brown hair that looked really nice, and round glasses, and green eyes that were almost blue, and his face looked really intelligent but sweet at the same time, and - why are you /laughing?”
“You’re so gay for him! Oh my god!” Roman doubled over with laughter. “That’s so cute, it’s baby’s first crush.”
“They will never find your body.”
He glared at Virgil. “You’re awful, I hope you know that. Come on, let’s go back to the Egyptian exhibit! We can still find him!”
“No, we can’t, and it’s not worth it.” Virgil shrugged. “You done?”
“I can’t believe you’re just giving up on true love like that!” Roman cried, exasperated. Several families shushed him, very annoyed. He frowned and turned back to Virgil, who was giggling silently.
Virgil, finally recovering from his fit of giggles, said, “I’m not giving up on true love. It’s a crush, if that.”
“Ugh, you’re the worst,” he replied, sticking his notebook in his back pocket. “Let’s go, then.”
Roman, who was a wise man (sometimes) knew that there was essentially no convincing Virgil now that he’d made up his mind, so they went home.
It was the next day when the guide, who’s name was Logan, and who was 26 years old, was with his friend DC, who was quite frustrated with Logan.
“So you’re in love with him -”
“Felt that he was attractive,” he corrected.
“And you just let him leave!” DC threw his hands up in the air, exasperated. “Logan, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you!”
“I don’t know what you want me to do!” Logan exclaimed, pacing the room. “I just thought he was attractive and I wanted to get to know him a bit better, but he left, so, oh well.”
DC sighed loudly and glared at him. “I hate you. I hate you so much. Okay, I’m calling Patton and seeing if he knows anyone who fits that description because I’m /sick of your /bitching and I want you to see this guy again.”
He rang up Patton, who said, “No, I’ve never heard of anyone like that. Do you mind if I try my friend Remus?”
Remus, by some strange stroke of luck, was the brother of the man who had gone to the museum with Logan’s crush, and he directed DC to his brother, Roman, who was the best friend of the man, who’s name was Virgil.
“Virgil,” Logan said, savoring the way it rolled off his tongue. “Isn’t that such an elegant name, DC?”
DC flipped him off as he scribbled down Virgil’s number from Roman. “Yeah, thanks, Roman. And tell your brother I said he sounds sexy.” A pause. “No? You won’t? Okay.”
Logan rolled his eyes. “You’re awful.”
“I just got you the number of the man of your dreams,” he replied, handing it to Logan, who nodded in thanks. “But, yes, I am incorrigible. However, he did sound really sexy.”
“I’m texting him, I can’t hear you.”
Me 8:34 PM
Hello! I am Logan. I was the tour guide at the museum the day you told me you didn’t believe in Egypt, and I was hoping we could meet for coffee and I could tell you all about Egypt… and myself, if you’re interested?
And the rest was history.
I mean, that’s not the end of the fic, I’ve still got to get us to the next disaster by the end of this one, but like, it’s written history. Recorded history.
You get it.
It was only five months later that Logan was nervously tapping his foot against the ground in the Egyptian exhibit, which was closed down for a special event.
Logan had started working in the archaeology department at the museum, so he still worked there, and therefore was able to shut down the exhibit for a ‘special event’.
Y’all aren’t dumb. You know he’s proposing.
It had only been five months, sure, but ever since the first date Logan had known that this grumpy young man was his absolute soulmate. They complemented each other’s personalities perfectly, they were best friends, and their friend groups were now melded, meaning that the six of them were all quite close. And so Logan had Roman, Remus, Patton and DC’s blessing to propose to his emo boyfriend, and that is where we join him.
Virgil poked his head into the exhibit, eyes widening when he saw his boyfriend down on one knee with a box in his hand. “Holy shit -”
“Virgil, you are -”
“Yes!”
Logan sighed. “Can I finish?”
“No, shut up! I’m saying yes, save the sappy crap for the wedding!” Virgil beamed and ran over to Logan, wrapping him in a tight hug. “I love you so much.”
He smiled and hugged Virgil back. “I love you too.”
So they were married two months later, in a lovely park with friends and family and Remus’s dog, who was the most important member of the wedding party.
It was two years later that they adopted their son, Remy. He was only a month old when they brought him home, but he was the final addition to their family, and Logan and Virgil were happy.
Even without the existence of Egypt.
#ts logan#ts virgil#logan sanders#virgil sanders#analogical#ts deceit#deceit sanders#sympathetic remus#sympathetic deceit#remus tw#deceit tw#cursing tw#disaster au
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spoiler alert: i haven’t made up my mind for character #2, and i still need help, so if you’d like to lend me a hand, click the read-more for more information!! ＼(●~▽~●)
sOoOoOoOoOo i’m still really indecisive about who i should bring to the group, so i started working on writing up a rough draft for the two people who won my last poll ( park jinyoung and shin yeeun ) and sadly, i don’t think they were going anywhere i liked. ( ◡△◡✿ ) so here i am again asking for more opinions, but with more information on muse ideas i think would be interesting to play around with and to develop!! i’ll be providing some brief ideas below, then on this poll, you can tell me who you think the dashboard needs the most!!
OPTION 001 // choi bomin, takata mashiho, lee daehwi, or kim yonghee // vocal unit leader / lead vocal of charm, or lead dancer / sub vocal of charm, or vocal of charm.
he would be on the younger side of the spectrum as far as charm’s age range is concerned, but he’d be of the most responsible out of the group, which explains his title as vocal unit leader if that’s the role i can snag!! see, he grew up in a single mother household, and due to her multiple jobs to keep a roof over their heads and groceries in the fridge, she wasn’t around a lot when he was growing up, and to top it off, he has four younger siblings ( a set of twin brothers, another brother, and one sister who’s closest to him in age!! ) that he has to watch out for. if anyone’s seen shameless us, think of him as a fiona gallagher type, but obviously not as intense as she and her family are in the show!! anyway, his childhood was mostly spent cooking meals for them, helping with homework, and cleaning the house—even when he was in elementary school. his mom and pop trusted him with a lot. so now, he’s a bit of a mother hen figure to everyone because that’s how he was raised, but he’s also severely exhausted, and he constantly puts everyone before himself, but that’s actually a fatal flaw for him instead of an act of selflessness. now, if you’re wondering where his love for music comes from, it’s because he learned to play the piano before his parents divorced, and it’s one of the only things that calms him down. in order to get his siblings to sleep, he plays a portable keyboard he bought with his life savings, and sings for them until they pass out. playing music reminds him of simpler times, and music itself, is his first love.
as a preteen, he was scouted by bc entertainment due to his visual charm, but when he auditioned for them, they were quite fond of his voice. it was untrained, but really beautiful to listen to, and they decided to take a chance on him. presently, he’s so dedicated to his work, and to his craft, but he fails to care for himself—often falling sick due to lack of sleep in conjunction with exercise, writing music, and other idol duties. i envision him similar to woozi in that he’d be someone who contributes composition, lyrics, and productions to charm’s albums. he’s very multi-talented, but he’s recently let that swallow him whole, and it’s not good for his health. he works so hard because he still has this idea that he needs to be the sole provider for his family since his mother is even more overworked than before, and his younger sister is now in charge of the siblings, which makes him feel guilty.
personality wise, he’d be a little bit of a soft, sad boy aesthetic come to life. moody, tired, emotional, and sensitive, but in all the right ways, if that makes sense!!
OPTION 002 // kwon nara, park jiyeon, im yoona, or kim seolhyun // vocal of gal.actic, leader / main rapper / lead dancer / vocal of fuse, or lead dancer / vocal of lipstick.
think of a strict visual center type who’s also an actress, model, and master spokeswoman—a girl who’s calculating and who draws in a large crowd; someone that ever woman aspires to be and every man aspires to marry; she’s just that good, sparkly, and golden, you know? she’s a sunbeam on the outside, and her image makes her palatable to all types of people, so she isn’t just a sex symbol meant to capture the male gaze, she’s meant to be a people pleaser by default, and she’s really good at that. however, she’s been in the business for a very long time, and she’s pretty tired of it, but her bank accounts are nice and full due to all of her side gigs. like the muse in option one, she comes from very humble beginnings, but it was more so that her parents were dirt poor after being ostracized by their much wealthier families. see, the two of them were never meant to be together ( think romeo and juliet ) but decided to defy the wishes of their own flesh and blood, and embarked on a journey of their own!! it was hard, and neither of them adjusted well at first, but when they became pregnant, they kind of had to get their shit together really quick. when their daughter was born though, they loved her unconditionally, and raised her to be humble... as well as a bit of a con-artist, but that wasn’t necessary their intent. they needed help with bill and rent payments, amongst other things, and at a young age, she discovered that painting on a face and being a good actress would help them a ton. she was an innocent looking kid, so when she’d swipe the money from cash registers, or steal groceries from the supermarket, no one ever knew it was her. she was a bit of a master thief as a child, but it was all in the name of helping out her household. it was what she could do to contribute.
however, as a teen, she took it up a few notches and started to flirt with rich boys in school to get access to their money, or like, she’d find ways to manipulate people into eating out of the palms of her hands, all in the name of survival. though, when she was scouted by her company, she was able to convince them to sign her as a trainee despite having no talents. she promised them to work hard, and that she did, and even though she didn’t train for a long time before she debuted, she proved to be an asset to her group due to her ability to woo people of all types. her life, in a sense, primed her for fame, and she wants to take advantage of it now that she has all eyes on her. her past also made her into a fantastic actress, and she’s known to give thrilling and believable performances.
personality-wise, she’d be very two-faced, but never intensely malicious. she’d never like, manipulate her friends into bending to her will, or treat her boyfriends with any sort of toxic behavior on purpose, but she’s definitely not the girl on tv that everyone knows and loves in real life. however, the one good deed she does more often than not is volunteer at food banks and homeless shelters to assist those who were once in her position. so she’s not, like, chaotic or true evil per se, but more chaotic neutral more than anything. she’s definitely motivated by success and money, and in the past, has been accused of social climbing to gain further notoriety, but that’s neither her nor there now!!
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❛ if there’s one thing the gods love, it’s tragedy. with wings that burn and boys that fall. ❜
—wait a second, is that HIM, the PUREBLOOD sorted into GRYFFINDOR house? their name is JAMES POTTER but they share a startling likeness with AUBREY JOSEPH. in their SEVENTH YEAR, they’re known as the SHEPHERD, probably because they are CHARMING but DEPENDENT. i wonder what side they’ll end up on at the end.
james henry potter ( named for two his two grandfathers, maternal and paternal respectively ) was born on april 4th, 1960 to two of the most loving parents a child could have.
fleamont and euphemia had been trying for a child for years. they’d been together for basically all of time, having been that typical good-looking, well liked couple in hogwarts that everyone always just assumes will get married ( spoiler alert: they did ), however had had to postpone kids due to fleamont’s brief stint as a professional quidditch player for eight years following their graduation. after that, they would try every month for a child, and after many years of disappointment, eventually gave up. it was during this time that fleamont developed the sleekeazy hair potion which only added to their immense wealth.
finally at age forty-one, they were surprised with the arrival of james. obviously, they saw him as their miracle child, and as such he was pampered and completely spoiled from the moment he was born.
i cannot stress enough how much this spoiled upbringing shaped james into the person he is today. if you’re wondering why he was ever an arrogant prick, it’s because he was always used to getting absolutely everything he ever wanted. he grew up with money, he grew up with fame and with every bit of attention he could garner, and so it was really no wonder he was a bit of an asshole by the time he started at hogwarts.
obviously, james had a pretty cushy childhood, and as such, shit didn’t start getting real until he started at hogwarts.
it took all of three seconds for the hat to sort him into gryffindor, and i guess you could say he pretty much considered himself to be the gem of the house. he was the absolute epitome of a gryffindor, basically considered him the poster boy and all but expected everyone to love him.
really did not help his ego that everyone did
in typical sterotype-gryffindor fashion, james hated slytherin. he had always been taught growing up that purists were basically the root of all evil, and his father had had no qualms in lumping all these people in with the house of the snakes. james and his friends took a particular disliking to severus snape almost immediately for the poncy way in which he seemed to believe he was superior to all for his intelligence and his house status, and this dislike only grew when lily evans was tossed into the mix, too.
for basically the first four or five years of hogwarts, james really was that stereotypical arrogant asshole that he’s often made out to be. he always got everything he asked for, he was incredibly popular and incredibly intelligent, he had the most amazing friends and his eyes on the most amazing girl. he was set!! shit was good!!
shit was not good, though. definitely was not.
despite having known of remus’ furry little problem since second year, things didn’t really start to settle in james how awful it was until third or fourth year. he hated seeing his friend in pain, he hated that he couldn’t help, and so he rallied the boys to put into action their worst plan yet!!!!
becoming animagi!!!!
it took fucking forever, obviously, but by the end of fourth year they did it!! we stan icons
except then in fifth year shit hit the fan again in just, like… so many ways
first, it was the whole severus ‘mudblood’ situation. honestly, james was absolutely furious. he’d always hated snape but this just made everything 1000 times worse. even if it had happened to anyone else, he would have been fuming. but for it to have happened to lily like… yikes.
this was also a horrible time for james though because lily rejected him for the thousandth time. like, look, what a yikes thing to think when she was just called a mudblood, but frankly he was sick of being rejected and he was sick of being the asshole who kept pressuring her so that was the breaking point — he gave up on her.
and tbh, he changed a lot from here on out. grew up!! became a better person bc he saw how horrible snap was and decided he was sick of horrible people!! saw, recognised and acknowledged that just bc he was hot and intelligent and rich he wasn’t always going to get everything he wanted ( see: miss evans ) and just generally learned that oh shit the world doesn’t revolve around him!!!
oh and then there was that whole thing with sirius and snape and Remus the Werewolf and ohhhh boyyyy…. that infuriated him.
he loves his bros so much and y’all know he would die for them, but to see his friend abuse remus’ pain and suffering for his own gain was heart wrenching. it just pushed him further to pull him in line, to realise that not everything was about games, or petty rivalry, or ‘ getting the girl ’ — life heartache and mistakes and it was never going to go the way he wanted it to.
now look, this isn’t all to say that james is now a Super Strict, Super Intense, Brooding Weirdo. he’s still a bit of a child, and he’s still a bit of an arrogant prick, but ultimately what wins out is his morals — every time. he wants to lead the world to a better place, without war and without hate, he wants everyone to have the same opportunities he had as a kid and he wants nothing more than for blood purity to be eradicated.
get that shit outta my house!!! gross!!!!!!
now in his final year, james is always flipping between taking his role as head boy deadly serious and turning it into one big game of mischief. he’s still a marauder at heart, after all, and has definitely abused his power sometimes for the benefit of fun and games, but when it comes down to it, he can be very strict and lowkey paternal. the leader really just…. popped right outta him, it came to play and it came hard, and really you’d think he’s minister for magic with how serious he treats it sometimes.
I hate him
he’s a lot less intense with his hatred for slytherin’s. he has come to recognise that not everyone from that lifestyle is going to be the same, not everyone who grew up a certain way or was sorted into a certain house is going to think with a deadly mind, and while he’s still a bit wary, he’s a lot more relaxed about it, especially as head boy ( gotta at least pretend shit’s fair !!! )
ok i’m so tired this is abt to turn into a rambling mess
uHhhHHh he’s very dependent as in like… boi cannot go a week without his friends. he is used to having people to bounce off, that’s always the type of leader he has been, and as much as he would probably be amazing at anything on his own, he’s never really tried. too scared!! i hate him!!!!!
super unforgiving. like, if you have gotten on his bad side…. i’m sorry. it is going to be very difficult to return from there. his moral compass is pretty black and white, you’re either good or your bad, and if you’ve done something he considers bad wELL sucks to be you, i guess. sorry not sorry.
takes his quidditch very seriously tbh. so many people have told him he needs to be a pro like his dad, but he’s like haha fuck you i know what i wanna do ( hint hint: he wants to rule that goddamn auror office, make that shit far more efficient then he thinks it is now ). but srsly, he’s so intense abt the game and it really like… idk gets him in the zone, keeps him level-headed in amongst all this chaos.
i don’t know what im saying anymore pls send help
uhhhhh he’s smart. i guess. straight a’s and shit idk. just very naturally intelligent, finds everything he does easy, like.. really is that asshole who is just good at everything he does.
i’ve run out of things to say, pls just love him
#incendiointro#| ❛ the shackles of a martyr. ❜ ( character study. )#sorry for this absolute trash bag of a recycled intro
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silent hurting | almer
warnings; mentions of abuse & suicide
“hey, jack!” elmer calls, swinging his bag over his shoulder as he jogs up to the older newsie, who’s finishing up a conversation with racetrack. “seen al around?”
he sees jack’s smile falter after race leaves, notably at the mention of albert’s name. he quickly decides he doesn’t like expression that crosses jack’s face.
when jack speaks, he looks at elmer directly, and his voice is soft, as if he’s afraid speaking too loudly will shatter elmer. “al’s been missin’ since this mornin’. tried askin’ the other boys, but they ain’t seen ‘im around either.”
elmer feels worry begin to plague him immediately, and he finds it strange. albert was just fine yesterday, joking around and teasing the other newsies like usual…
like usual.
he has to be okay… right? the more elmer thinks about it, the more he begins to realise that whenever there’s a group of newsies telling stories about the good old days with their folks, albert stays silent. elmer knows albert was one of the handful of newsies that grew up with folks, but he never talked about them as fondly as some of the others did.
“elmer?”
jack’s voice brings elmer out of his thoughts and back into reality, and he looks up at jack with eyes that are tearier than intended. “he- he’s fine… he’s gotta be fine… he’s okay. yeah. he’s alright…”
elmer realises he’s shaking, and his voice is trembling, and that his words are starting to sound like a desperate attempt to convince himself that albert is okay… because he has to be. right?
“woah, el, calm down,” jack says slowly, placing a hand on elmer’s shoulder. this makes elmer flinch, but he relaxes into the touch.
jack speaks again, somehow in a softer tone than before. “rush hour’s over for the day, so the streets is clearin’. some o’ the guys already told me they’re goin’ to look for al, an’ if you’re worryin’ this much, you should go look for 'im also. i’m stayin’ here with crutchie 'cause his leg ain’t doin’ so well today, but if we could we’d go out an’ look for 'im, too.”
elmer sniffs and nods, and he’s thankful that jack understands his expression enough to let his hand fall from elmer’s shoulder. he gives jack a little wave before turning to leave, and beginning to look for albert.
×××
albert looks down at the bustling traffic below him. he takes note of the sunset painting the sky in pinks, yellows, reds, and several other colours as he kicks his feet back and forth over the edge of the rooftop. the traffic will probably wind down a little bit around this hour, he knows, and it’ll pick up again at some later hour during the night.
should i jump?
he winces as the thought crosses his mind, and shakes his head quickly.
i’m too scared even for that.
he’s wondering how he’s managed to spend the whole day, up here on this rooftop of some random building on the other side of manhattan. he isn’t even entirely sure why he decided to run away from the lodging house.
maybe it was all the times the boys with folks they could remember got together to share stories, all while he thought of the way his folks treated him - like absolute garbage. he was a literal mistake.
he knows he doesn’t have a right to get bitter at the others for talking about their folks so lovingly and longingly - he hasn’t told anyone about the type of parents he lived with.
this jogs up more unpleasant memories of his family. beatings; being thrown out of the house even on stormy nights because they didn’t want him around; going for days without food because “there wasn’t enough for him”; and so many other things he hates thinking about.
the more he thinks about it, the more tempting the idea of jumping off the rooftop gets, and the more he has to convince himself not to do it. but then he thinks, why am i trying so hard not to do it? there’s no point in not doing it.
and again, more unclear reasoning against taking action. why is he so damn scared of jumping? what is he holding back for? who is he holding back for?
as these thoughts swim through albert’s head, he doesn’t realise that he’s started to cry. the tears roll slowly down his cheeks, flushed from the day’s heat, and quiet sobs escape his lips, sometimes accompanied by shaky breaths.
he tries to ease his mind; tries to think of good things. good memories…
•••
elmer was lying down, his head in albert’s lap as the older newsie played with his hair using one hand, while the free arm was draped lazily over elmer’s body.
“hey, al?” elmer asked, breaking the silence. his eyes trailed up to meet albert’s.
“yeah, eli?”
elmer giggled at the nickname that only albert would call him by, and albert grinned at the younger boy’s joy.
soon elmer’s giggles died down and the look on his face was one of worry and uncertainty, causing albert’s grin to fall. “elmer…?”
elmer sighed and sat up, surprising albert by taking both his hands and holding them with a rather firm grip.
“promise me… promise me we’s always gonna be together, no matter what happens.” elmer’s voice was quiet, and he looked at albert with such tenderness that albert began to feel fragile in elmer’s touch.
albert slipped one hand out of elmer’s hold to wrap his arm around the smaller boy and pull him close in an embrace, though one hand was still held tightly in elmer’s. “'course, el. i promise.”
elmer let his head rest on albert’s chest and allowed his eyes to flutter closed. in a tired mumble, he said, “you’s my best friend, albie… i don’t ever wanna lose ya.”
albert felt a soft smile cross his face as he slipped his other hand free of elmer’s grip and began playing with the younger newsie’s hair again, this time more soothingly to help him get to sleep.
“you’s my best friend too, eli. i promise, ya ain’t ever gon’ lose me.”
those were the last words either of them remembered hearing and saying before they both drifted off into a dreamless sleep.
×××
when elmer finds albert, he grows confused as to why his friend seems to be shivering. it’s the end of a scorching hot day at the end of june, and albert is shaking like he’s sitting outside on one of those december nights where the air is so harshly cold it feels as if it’s piercing one’s skin.
“so, i finally found ya,” elmer breathes.
albert whirls around to reveal that he’s crying, and by the look of it, he’s been crying for a while. his typically warm and playful brown eyes, glossed over with tears, are wide and pained as they meet elmer’s own.
elmer’s heart drops as he locks eyes with albert, and an overwhelming sadness fills him, perhaps from the fact that he’s never seen albert like this before. this is quite a change from the playful yet sensible newsboy that he’s so used to seeing.
“s-sorry… i meant 'ta tell someone that i was headin’ off for today, but no one else was awake, and i- i didn’t feel like waitin’ or wakin’ anyone up…” albert trails off.
it seems to elmer that albert has more that he wants to say - much more - but he chokes up, and fresh tears fall down his face, leaving more stains on his cheeks.
elmer shakes himself out of his frozen state of surprise and rushes to albert’s side, sitting down next to him and wrapping him up in a hug.
“al, i was worried sick sbout ya… we all was… why the hell have you been up here all day?”
“i just… i needed to cool off, eli…”
as albert relaxes into elmer’s touch and slips his arms around the smaller boy, elmer looks up in surprise. albert hasn’t used that nickname on him in years. he stays quiet, and after a moment of silence, albert continues speaking.
“last night, the guys was talkin’ 'bout their folks again, an’ i just had 'ta sit there an’ listen…”
“i was talkin’ 'bout mine, too, al…” elmer says, starting to feel guilty. he lets it show, evidently, because albert looks down at him and quickly speaks up again.
“no need 'ta feel bad, el. i ain’t mad. jus’ really thought a lot about all the things they’d said…” a dry chuckle escapes his lips. “wish i’d been able 'ta say things like those 'bout my folks, too.”
“albert, what…?” elmer trails off, not exactly sure how to end the question.
albert shrugs, although thinking of the truth he’s about to tell elmer still hurts him more than he could ever describe, even so many years.
“it’s just… my folks hurt me, el.” suddenly his voice is quiet, quivering. “they treated me real bad and hit me a lot. they yelled at me 'til they didn’t feel like yellin’ no more and sometimes they just got so sick of havin’ me around that they threw me out the damn house for the whole night.” and suddenly, more tears are falling. “they was always remindin’ me that i wasn’t s'posed to be born… that i’m nothin’ but a mistake…” his body seems to decide that that’s enough confessions for now, because his voice gets caught in a sob and he continues crying, burying his face in elmer’s hair.
elmer’s grip on albert tightens, and tears threaten to fall from his own eyes. “al, i’m so sorry… i’m so, so sorry…”
“it’s so pathetic, right?” another dry chuckle, cracked this time from the crying. “it’s been so long, an’ they’re gone now, and i should just be over it. but i’m not. it still hurts, eli. it hurts so bad… and i hate it so much, an’ it’s so hard to talk about. you an’ race are the only ones who know… an’ jack, too.”
“do not try to put the blame on yourself for this, albert.” elmer’s voice breaks. “it ain’t your fault, not one bit of it is your fault. you’s one o’ the best people i ever known and i’m so happy that you’re in my life. i’m so happy i get 'ta call ya my- my best friend.”
but i want more than that…
elmer dismisses the thought from his head as he holds the older boy in his arms, who is now crying so much he’s trembling.
“the worst- the worst part of it,” albert sobs, “is that they’s put it straight into my brain that i ain’t worth shit, and it’s stuck with me all these years. god, i’m so damn pathetic… i ain’t ever gonna make no one happy and nobody loves me, 'c-cause how can they? i’m such- i’m such a-”
“please, stop,” elmer whispers, just loud enough for albert to hear. so he listens to elmer, and he falls quiet, although his crying never ceases. “ya have no idea how much it’s hurtin’ me 'ta know that this is how ya think of yourself.”
“i’m s-sorry… i can’t help it,” albert replies quietly.
“you’s so much more than what your folks’ve made ya feel like,” elmer murmurs into his ear. “there’re so many people who love ya, al, an’ ya don’t even know it.”
he feels his best friend’s grip tighten around him, and he gasps softly at the new feeling of tears soaking into his clothing as albert buries his head in elmer’s shoulder. elmer rubs circles on his back without another word, and the actively setting sun casts a soft, multicolored glow over the two of them.
soon elmer is looking up at the moon, the gentle, white light rivaling that of the sun’s earlier. albert is silent now, though he isn’t asleep. elmer can tell because there are quiet, even breaths rather than the notably loud snores his friend emits when he sleeps. elmer chuckles at the thought, and it catches albert’s attention, for the taller boy lifts his head in curiosity at the sudden sound.
“what'cha laughin’ at?” albert mumbles, evidently tired gaze boring into elmer’s. elmer smiles and shakes his head.
“nothin’,” he responds dismissively. “just thinkin’.”
“about?”
“you!” elmer blurts. his face heats up immediately afterwards, and he scrambles away from albert to bury it in his hands. “that- that ain’t wh-what i meant,” he stammers.
for the first time all day - maybe even in days - elmer watches albert’s lips curl into a small smile.
“what’d ya mean, then?” albert laughs slightly. elmer still hears a bit of force and pain in that laugh, and he shifts back towards albert to take his hand, lacing their fingers together.
“this time it was only about how hilarious it is when ya snore in your sleep,” elmer snorts. albert groans and rolls his eyes.
“i already get enough shit for that from ra- wait.”
elmer watches his friend’s cheeks turn a rosy pink, and he decides it’s officially the cutest thing he’s ever seen.
“what did ya mean by 'this time?’” albert manages through his flustered state.
now it’s elmer’s turn to blush, although it just adds more colour to his already red cheeks.
“how often do ya think about me, elmer?” albert asks more steadily. this time his voice bears a lighthearted tone, and he even has the confidence to wink at elmer, sending the younger newsie into a blushing mess.
“i-i… uh…” that’s about all elmer can manage before a small squeak escapes his lips as he stares up at albert, unable to tear his eyes away from those warm, chocolate brown ones.
albert leans towards elmer until their faces are barely an inch apart, and he has a teasing smile on his face now. “well?”
elmer’s heart seems to decide it’s now or never, and all in the blink of an eye he grabs albert’s face and closes the small gap between them with a passionate kiss, pouring months and months of want into it. albert lets out a muffled noise of surprise, and for a moment, he sits still. unbeknownst to a now panicking elmer, it’s out of shock. the boy he’s loved for however long now - he can’t think about that; that same boy’s fucking kissing him right now - feels the same way.
albert regains his bearings and kisses elmer back right as elmer is about to pull away, stopping the smaller boy from doing so. his return of the gesture is full of the same passion; the same want; the same love, built up from months of silence and fear of saying anything.
his arms wrap around elmer’s waist and elmer’s fall around his neck, one hand running through his red hair and earning a soft sigh from him that gets lost in their kiss.
it seems to end sooner than they both like, but they’re both gasping for air, so they figure it must’ve gone on a pretty long time.
elmer is the first to speak.
“ya asked me how often i think of ya, right? well, what if i told ya you’re practically all i think about?” it’s his chance to wink, so he does, and god, does it make albert’s heart melt. it also makes albert’s face heat up, which he finds pretty embarrassing, but he doesn’t care in the moment. all he cares about is that he has elmer, and he knows that he’s always going to.
“that’d make me feel like the luckiest newsie alive,” albert responds, wrapping his arms around elmer and pulling him close for another embrace.
elmer smiles and rests his head on albert’s chest, giggling softly as he feels albert press a kiss to the top of his head. it isn’t long before he’s drifting off, deciding that he’ll just have to do some explaining when he goes back to the lodging house with albert tomorrow.
this is so long im so sorry bJDHFHS
i hope u liked it tho!! 💕💕 im always up for requests my doods
-sanj 💜
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#newsies live#newsies broadway#disney newsies#newsies musical#newsies#albert newsies#albert dasilva#elmer newsies#elmer kasprzak#almer#elbert#albert x elmer#sanj scribbles
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BRANDON ARREAGA — Well, if it isn’t JAMES POTTER, the GRYFFINDOR superstar. For those of you who don’t know HIM, you can spot them sitting with the other SEVENTH years. Most people think that they’re CHARMING and INCISIVE, but they can also seem pretty DEPENDENT and INEXORABLE. Sometimes people call them the SHEPHERD. Sure, they’re a PUREBLOOD, but that doesn’t define them.
i literally have 0 explanation for why i did this other than i’m in love with him. but also, he’s a mess, so jot that down. if you wanna know more about him ( protip: don’t ) then i recommend checking out his pinterest and then i dunno.... contemplate why i’m a punk ass bitch, i guess. enjoy this mess. plot with me. ily.
james henry potter ( named for two his two grandfathers, maternal and paternal respectively ) was born on april 4th, 1960 to two of the most loving parents a child could have.
fleamont and euphemia had been trying for a child for years. they’d been together for basically all of time, having been that typical good-looking, well liked couple in hogwarts that everyone always just assumes will get married ( spoiler alert: they did ), however had had to postpone kids due to fleamont’s brief stint as a professional quidditch player for eight years following their graduation. after that, they would try every month for a child, and after many years of disappointment, eventually gave up. it was during this time that fleamont developed the sleekeazy hair potion which only added to their immense wealth.
finally at age forty-one, they were surprised with the arrival of james. obviously, they saw him as their miracle child, and as such he was pampered and completely spoiled from the moment he was born.
i cannot stress enough how much this spoiled upbringing shaped james into the person he is today. if you’re wondering why he was ever an arrogant prick, it’s because he was always used to getting absolutely everything he ever wanted. he grew up with money, he grew up with fame and with every bit of attention he could garner, and so it was really no wonder he was a bit of an asshole by the time he started at hogwarts.
obviously, james had a pretty cushy childhood, and as such, shit didn’t start getting real until he started at hogwarts.
it took all of three seconds for the hat to sort him into gryffindor, and i guess you could say he pretty much considered himself to be the gem of the house. he was the absolute epitome of a gryffindor, basically considered him the poster boy and all but expected everyone to love him.
really did not help his ego to know that everyone did.
in typical sterotype-gryffindor fashion, james hated slytherin. he had always been taught growing up that purists were basically the root of all evil, and his father had had no qualms in lumping all these people in with the house of the snakes. james and his friends took a particular disliking to severus snape almost immediately for the poncy way in which he seemed to believe he was superior to all for his intelligence and his house status, and this dislike only grew when lily evans was tossed into the mix, too.
for basically the first four or five years of hogwarts, james really was that stereotypical arrogant asshole that he’s often made out to be. he always got everything he asked for, he was incredibly popular and incredibly intelligent, he had the most amazing friends and his eyes on the most amazing girl. he was set!! shit was good!!
shit was not good, though. definitely was not.
despite having known of remus’ furry little problem since second year, things didn’t really start to settle in james how awful it was until third or fourth year. he hated seeing his friend in pain, he hated that he couldn’t help, and so he rallied the boys to put into action their worst plan yet!!!!
becoming animagi!!!!!!
it took fucking forever, obviously, but by the end of fourth year they did it!! we stan icons
except then in fifth year shit hit the fan again in just, like... so many ways
first, it was the whole severus ‘mudblood’ situation. honestly, james was absolutely furious. he’d always hated snape but this just made everything 1000 times worse. even if it had happened to anyone else, he would have been fuming. but for it to have happened to lily like... yikes.
this was also a horrible time for james though because lily rejected him for the thousandth time. like, look, what a yikes thing to think when she was just called a mudblood, but frankly he was sick of being rejected and he was sick of being the asshole who kept pressuring her so that was the breaking point --- he gave up on her.
and tbh, he changed a lot from here on out. grew up!! became a better person bc he saw how horrible snap was and decided he was sick of horrible people!! saw, recognised and acknowledged that just bc he was hot and intelligent and rich he wasn’t always going to get everything he wanted ( see: miss evans ) and just generally learned that oh shit the world doesn’t revolve around him!!!
oh and then there was that whole thing with sirius and snape and Remus the Werewolf and ohhhh boyyyy.... that infuriated him.
he loves his bros so much and y’all know he would die for them, but to see his friend abuse remus’ pain and suffering for his own gain was heart wrenching. it just pushed him further to pull him in line, to realise that not everything was about games, or petty rivalry, or ‘ getting the girl ’ --- life heartache and mistakes and it was never going to go the way he wanted it to.
now look, this isn’t all to say that james is now a Super Strict, Super Intense, Brooding Weirdo. he’s still a bit of a child, and he’s still a bit of an arrogant prick, but ultimately what wins out is his morals --- every time. he wants to lead the world to a better place, without war and without hate, he wants everyone to have the same opportunities he had as a kid and he wants nothing more than for blood purity to be eradicated.
get that shit outta my house!!! gross!!!!!!
now in his final year, james is always flipping between taking his role as head boy deadly serious and turning it into one big game of mischief. he’s still a marauder at heart, after all, and has definitely abused his power sometimes for the benefit of fun and games, but when it comes down to it, he can be very strict and lowkey paternal. the leader really just.... popped right outta him, it came to play and it came hard, and really you’d think he’s minister for magic with how serious he treats it sometimes.
i hate him.
he’s a lot less intense with his hatred for slytherin’s. he has come to recognise that not everyone from that lifestyle is going to be the same, not everyone who grew up a certain way or was sorted into a certain house is going to think with a deadly mind, and while he’s still a bit wary, he’s a lot more relaxed about it, especially as head boy ( gotta at least pretend shit’s fair !!! )
ok i’m so tired this is abt to turn into a rambling mess
uHhhHHh he’s very dependent as in like... boi cannot go a week without his friends. he is used to having people to bounce off, that’s always the type of leader he has been, and as much as he would probably be amazing at anything on his own, he’s never really tried. too scared!! i hate him!!!!!
super unforgiving. like, if you have gotten on his bad side.... i’m sorry. it is going to be very difficult to return from there. his moral compass is pretty black and white, you’re either good or your bad, and if you’ve done something he considers bad wELL sucks to be you, i guess. sorry not sorry.
takes his quidditch very seriously tbh. so many people have told him he needs to be a pro like his dad, but he’s like haha fuck you i know what i wanna do ( hint hint: he wants to rule that goddamn auror office, make that shit far more efficient then he thinks it is now ). but srsly, he’s so intense abt the game and it really like... idk gets him in the zone, keeps him level-headed in amongst all this chaos.
i don’t know what im saying anymore pls send help
uhhhhh he’s smart. i guess. straight a’s and shit idk. just very naturally intelligent, finds everything he does easy, like.. really is that asshole who is just good at everything he does.
i’ve run out of things to say, pls just love him
WANTED CONNECTIONS
girlfriend: i hate to expose myself as a whole ass jily stan but... here i am i guess. but also, listen: he really thinks he’s over her right now. like, he truly believes his days of pestering lily evans are behind him. it was just a crush! it’s gone! ( spoiler alert: it’s not ) BUT he is so convinced that he has got himself into this relationship which is really just... a mess. like highkey it’s obvious he could never fully love her bc his Heart Belongs to Lily or whatever but he does care for her deeply and has tricked himself into believing it’s love. it’s hard, man. he’s confused. send help.
ex-girlfriend(s): more of above but like... less intense? or more intense! who knows, frankly.
childhood friend(s): i’d die for childhood friends. jake/gina dynamic? iconic. just anything, really.
odd friend: ok like... as i mentioned, he’s still kinda wary of slytherins and ppl who grew up in purist culture, but i would love love love to see someone who was one of the first to show him that not all those people are so bad. like someone from a purist family or the like who was just chill and friendly and actually befriended this asshole even when he was... well, an asshole. it’d be fun, ig. also if they eventually do end up recruited for the de’s bc of family stuff or whatever... bonus points.
rivals: i’m tired. you understand.
#novum:intro#you guys this is... such a mess#im gunna regret posting this in the morning#oh well!!#here we are ig!!!!!!
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Ep. 11: “Do you all think I am just floating over here with no one?” - Aimee
Amy A
Ben ☹️. I didn’t play too well with him and it was such a good blindside I couldn’t resist. I wish him well and I just have a feeling I’m next to go
Olivia A
Okay umm we got Ben out but it turns out Kalle gave me a real idol? So I feel weird. The reason we began suspecting her of lying was because Hanuha people knew about Maddison’s safety without power advantage and Kalle was literally the only person who could’ve told them. IDK!!
Aimee
I’m just so tired of crying! Sarah tried to video chat and I just couldn’t. No one knew I don’t think that Ben and I were so close. Gaaaaah I’m gonna miss him so much! He just helped me so much to stay sane in this game.
The last thing I need is anyone seeing me as a big hot mess.
I can’t catch a break.
Sarah
From two nights ago....
https://youtu.be/uebz8rVKNbg
https://youtu.be/xQyiuiGeEpo
Pedro A
when i actually thought i was at the bottom........THERES EVEN A LOWER BOTTOM...THAT IM IN RIGHT NOW......chille ben screwed us BIG TIME....we were in a great spot..i dont even know what to say at this point
Sarah
Wow. Okay. I didn’t want to be a villain but here we are. I will post a video confessional soon but for now, the plan to vote out Ben actually worked. I called Maddison last minute and explained that Ben and Kalle were tight and were all over the place, playing both sides. Maddison found out that Kalle was a rat and was not being completely truthful and we both agreed on voting Kalle or Ben. We agreed on Ben because we thought Kalle was going to play her idol on herself.... turns out Ben was telling the truth in voting out Kalle to old Hanuha and Kalle actually gave Olivia a real idol. More to come... but for now I feel like a villain ahhh.
Kalle N.
Well I said that my only goal was to make jury and not go to the FTC so it looks like Ben really helped me achieve that. THAT FOOL REALLY FUCKED ME OVER ON HIS WAY OUT THE DOOR. This is fine. I will never let him forget that I've beaten him twice now and that's all that matters. Did not see this tribal coming at all. Can't wait to get voted out next
Najwah
If I learned anything today is that we tend to read in and over think and make up scenarios in our head. Ben was actually on our side all along? Who would have thought. All the bits and pieces he told us today just didn't add up and Cody said he was different and everyone was just quiet and Ben didn't talk in the group, he spoke to people individually. I don't really understand what just happened but we wasted so much energy speculating lmao. And now where the hell do we go from here? Cody has become so paranoid also. The minute Ben told him that those people will be writing his name he became soooo paranoid wtf. Then he WASTED an advantage and idol at tribal? Just bc he still didn't trust the plan. I'm starting to think that Cody just can't trust anyone or any process. I really think he needs to chill more. Be more low key. Just try to be calm. If you get voted out, it's not like you're going to die or something. It's just a game after all.
Aimee
Apparently tribe was getting too suspicious of how Ben and Kalle were so close.
I still don’t get why I had to be left out of the vote though? Why can’t I get the respect to be told what is happening before the vote, so I have time to process my emotions and have my stuff together a little.
https://immunityilol.tumblr.com/post/617448854807298048
Instead I get nothing. I get a call from Sarah right after Ben is voted out. Obviously I can’t answer it because I’m crying and no one knew I was super close to Ben.
I’m just so angry right now first Grae now Ben! IS MADDISON NEXT!? FUCK!
Like Gah I’m afraid to get close to anyone.
But I just love getting to know people.
I finally got to video chat with Maddison. Fucking loved it! She is great to talk to and great to have on this crazy skype isolation island. I need some interaction and realness right now.
Ok I’m totally drinking. It’s hard enough to process all this nonsense sober.
We will see what the next day brings.
Aimee
Sarah I really don’t want us to end up like this Casanova music video. 😢💔
I guess everyone wants to blindside Aimee as a treat. I hope people got their jollies out of it. 🌟
Allie X - Casanova feat VÉRITÉ
https://youtu.be/YpVunjboAWg
Sarah
From last night.... https://youtu.be/EirlyVVXDKk
Sarah
Day 21
https://youtu.be/aYiGStuSKDA
Pedro A
Im afraid Kalle will throw me under the bus...just to stay this week cause shes on the bottom....and im also afraid that maddison and olivia will try to convince kalle to vote me out...instead ....since they are coming for me ...GOSHHH..i hate my life...i need immunity...CAN I LIKE HAVE IT?
Pedro A
okay so im excited to see everyone's answers to this challenge...THIS WILL BE INTERESTING...it will reveal a lot of people real thoughts ..IM READY FOR TEAAAA YALL
Najwah
I enjoyed my day today. I think it's the first time I was fully in the real world in 22 days. I'm playing a reckless game right now. There are so many layers in this game but after last night's tribal and learning that Ben was being legit, I just feel bad. I love Cody but he's definitely a loose cannon and can't play low key. Which is definitely bad for my game. He and Sarah are trying to push me into getting Amy on our side, but our relationship just isn't like that. I don't want to make her feel used. I like her. I really like her a lot. I like Sarah too. And Cody. I want to be friends with all these people IRL lol so I don't want to play against them or lie to them. This game just gets harder every time someone gets voted off tbh but I'm at the point where I feel like "if my plan works, then great", "if it doesn't, then whatever. I get to chill on panderosa and get to sleep more and actually spend time with my family and friends who I've been avoiding since this started lmao" Also, I'd be able to work again. I haven't got much work done urgh. I don't know whether my super idol is real. I'm curious to see what tonight's challenge will reveal. I am not going in with any syrategy
Cody wants to go for Kalle and Pedro coz they voted for him? I don't know, I think that's kinda silly and I'm not about revenge. You have to think rationally. And we have made a few irrational choices of late because people read into things. I still wish Ben hadn't told Cody that everyone was voting for him. That's how so much of yesterday's shit started. I have been so tired since yesterday. Tired of the scheming and overthinking and being paranoid over nothing urgh. Aimee also wants to call me after the challenge. I'm kinda scared tbh. I had a dream last night that Aimee killed me lmao this game is haunting me and giving me nightmares. Honestly, I'd be okay if anyone left wins this game. Okay except Kalle. She's the only one I've not interacted with and she just seems dodge idk. Maybe I'm still thinking about Zack's stupid analysis on people. Anyways.
Najwah
I'm happy for Maddison tbh. She deserved that. I just want to scream about Cody though? Why did Cody chop Aimee? Wtf. And that made Aimee chop Sarah before she chopped Amy or Maddison. I'm so confused. Ugh.
Maddison
Apparently I don’t know much about this tribe. Yeet!
Pedro A
Villan of the season?....im honored...but bitter jury?...i didnt like that one..lol
Aimee
I chopped Pedro for Grae.
I chopped Olivia and haha sorry I got so nervous on here that I just chopped the final chop, even though that was savage as hell... I called her a goat and then chopped her right out of the game. Oops hahahahaha. When I watch this challenge back I look like the C word with a capital C.... And that word isn’t “cartwheel.”
I chopped Sarah for the Ben blindside.
I chopped Amy for my mental health. I can’t lose Maddison!
I’m so sick of being tortured that I truly am running out of fucks tbh. Just chop anyone, whatever. Why do I care...
Aimee
Ohhhh Najwah!!!! Don’t worry about not telling me about the vote or accidentally calling me a goat because you didn’t know the meaning.
I think I would make a cute goat.
https://nunyabizni.tumblr.com/post/615593098008035328
Love that you think I’m actually “the Greatest of All Time.” I adore you and our friendship 💖❤️💞 luv you girl!!! I know you’re truly being genuine unlike others. I’m waiting for this game to tip in our favor so we can run with it.
https://youtu.be/TGwZ7MNtBFU
This MV is dedicated towards Najwah after Cody swooped in and stole my final 2 with her. No hard feelings; I have my own stuff to sort out after my man Ben was voted out.
I’m pretty confident you have a final 2 with Cody and I love that for you. 🧡💛💚 I’m happy y’all got together and are strong with Sarah.
But here I am. Do you all think I am just floating over here with no one? Just not playing the game and grazing my grass over here like a “goat?” They really don’t know how close I was with Ben and they got stupid lucky on that one. I’m not as clueless as you all think... it’s in your best interest to reconsider.
Also let’s not skip over the fact that Sarah and I both didn’t get an answer on touchy subjects for “who do you trust the most.” Yeah don’t think I didn’t peep that.
👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀
Sarah didn’t put me and I didn’t put her. I put Maddison. Cody had 2 votes. Najwah and Sarah put him. I’m not dense. I guess Sarah is cool with being that 3rd wheel. Loving the fact that apparently no one has been seeing me reaching across the aisle for damn DAYS trying to play with Maddison.... oh honey, oh girl...oh no no ... that was just Ben right? Yeah.
My final 2 with Ben is gone so I’m rogue and hoping I can get Maddison as far as possible with me. Also! Just letting you all know I’m not a damn chump. It’s SO OBVIOUS that Cody Najwah and Sarah have a fucking secret chat that they’ve been in since the beginning of all time, which included Zack. You’ve heard it here first folks. Oh and I’ve known this for at least a week or two. The tells are so blatant, but catch me pretending to have no idea. I’m not the goat that you think I am, but I would LOVE you to continue to think of me of a goat and forgettable. If you knew what I was doing I wouldn’t be allowed to get to the end. If I’m on any players radars then that means I am doing a bad job. So, I absolutely loved what this challenge revealed. I know way more than people think I know, but I am playing up the ditzy card hardcore. I would much rather prefer to be a stealthy sniper that people think is not playing. Give me a chance to explain my game in the final tribal and you might regret that. I have been doing all the same moves as Ben and same exact strategy.... he gets called a big threat and blindsided and yet here I am with identical strategy and totally left alone and tbh a little disrespected but that works to my advantage. Perception is not reality! This could be everyone’s biggest mistake and I honestly love it.
I just want Kalle and Pedro out tbh.
I got my big boobs and my positivity. I’m mind strong and I’m ready to get this. Your lady is never giving up. If you blindside me again it better be me that gets voted out. Otherwise you’re all in a world of fucking trouble...
https://64.media.tumblr.com/0389c791f095d54973543b32d4414577/984582d2a107588c-89/s540x810/c10ec7b961de2fd3b693a886ea7385b04ed3d653.gifv
Najwah
I am still tired. LOL. Amy L still hasn't replied to me. I think she hates me right now and I burned the bridge with her, which I'm obviously sad about because it's the only bridge I really cared about? Like she's the only person who I was 100% sure about and we've always respected each others allegiance to their alliances. Anyway. What does it matter now? I'm going to let Cody and Sarah make a plan with this tribal scrambling. Oh Cody said the reason he chopped Aimees rope is because he didn't want her to win immunity again lmao so he rather chops someone in his own alliance wtf I can't get over that fatal mistake. That and playing the extra vote and idol😭😭 ugh and I think people assume I am his goat or something lmaooooo I absolutely adore Cody but I really hope he doesn't mess things up for himself. Sarah wants me to get coins for them to buy an immunity idol. Do I really want to waste 5 coins again on someone whose just going to get paranoid and play it? I don't know. I need to think on it.
Aimee
Welp I finally told my first lie in this game and hopefully it’s not my demise.
I guess it’s my turn to be messy. I’m still coping with Ben being gone. 💔😢😫
Why the nut, did I tell Pedro I want him here. It was definitely too much alcohol and worried if he had another idol I would be the throw vote. Welp we will see if he throws that info all over the island.
https://64.media.tumblr.com/d9f98e355c7e9229777fa982551cfd7e/tumblr_nr72mkoPHr1rs8h9do7_250.gifv
https://64.media.tumblr.com/d37a2b6f76f83c1beaca2ca2bac6bb72/tumblr_nr72mkoPHr1rs8h9do3_250.gifv
I’ve made peace with it though. This lady ain’t stopping, but if this puts me in jury. I’m honestly excited! I’ll finally get to talk to James, Grae and Ben again! And that makes my heart warm. ♥️
Pedro A
I'm probably going home tonight....kinda done with this.....I'm exhausted and emotionally drained from this experience.. I just wanna chill...at the end of the day its either me or kalle....so may the odds be in my favor!!
Najwah
I'm nervous about this vote. Apparently Maddison and co are willing to work with us to get Kalle out. I don't know how legit it is but I'm tired tonight and I just think I should do an early vote before people change their minds.
Amy A.
So we had the game yesterday and there was a question about ‘closest Ally’ and no one chose me. I’m not really bothered about everyone else except NAJWAH. She didn’t choose me! I was the only one who chose her cos her name came just ONCE. Whoever she ended up choosing as her closest ally didn’t even choose her. It’s made me real life sad because I trusted her so much. Honestly, I didn’t even think twice about putting her name down for closest ally. I haven’t even spoken to anyone about tonight’s vote. Idk who I’m voting for but I know it’s not her cos I promised her that. That’s the only reason. Maybe I’m the one going home. I don’t know.
Maddison
Let’s hope for a straightforward vote tonight with no unforeseen twists!
Aimee
https://youtu.be/m4Z0RN_KhK0
A flow mobz - thrill over fear (feat. luna blake)
Omg I couldn’t sleep last night and I just woke up being bitchy about Pedro. I don’t think he actually has anyone besides maybe Kalle.
My walls are up and I just want this vote to work in my favor and be Kalle.
I hope there are no hard feelings after this game. I just want to get to know everyone during all this covid madness and have some fun. 🌈
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BEWARE DANGEROUS DEVIANTART USER
! ! ! !
please do not go out and harass the people in this journal. they've decided to leave deviantART for the time being, and could return as a better person.
----
☆ . ☆ . ☆
hello! it's dazai typing this out and I just wanted to let you know that I only felt this was necessary to bring to peoples attention due to the current treatment that has been received over the past few weeks. this is my side of what happened! cass herself has made her side of the story (and it's quite different) and it will be featured at the bottom of the journal.
☆ . ☆ . ☆
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rylands accounts
(primary) blackbear666 deadmp3 poacherss
(secondary) hellisten autisticgod wolfga-ng prorobloxplayer ashfurrs
Dazai's Version:
Ryland has been an almost extreme experience for me, his unruly behaviour getting more and more out of hand throughout the three years i've known him. he would pretend to be my friend (according to him) out of "pity" (despite feeling no sympathy) for me yet continued to trash-talk me to his ex and a few others, even during while i was venting to him. he's laughed BOTH times my girlfriends left me, picking on me during times like this while PRETENDING TO BE MY FRIEND.
he's leaked my "deadname" to his ex, told secrets about his exes in a malicious manner, promoted teasing of them and he even claimed to have never loved his ex during the last relationship they had together, taking every moment he could to hurt him. he told me that he purposefully put my main kin on his kin list just to get with me because his ex suggested it.. This is a petty way to "get back" at someone imho
around the time he would pick on me with his ex, he created a callout on me claiming things that i was "a fake tranny," and that i "never payed for my commissions," due to me taking my time to pay $18.00 USD despite having payed off around 5-10 artists at the time. due to the way he pressured me I had to put the other commission on hold, cancel his and pay another artist off just to feel safe about the whole situation. Thankfully in the end the commission problems were sorted out.
** in a call, he mentioned that it was (by memory) "silly of him to have done that, and that he understands that I was trying to pay off the larger thing first."
>> I also have the original callout he made on me saved, if anyone would be interested in seeing it. <<
during this time i felt at unease, I noted him mentioning how i was feeling (i was crying, shaking, bloody anxious, etc.) and at this point i wanted to make another account just to get rid of this backlash. i made the mistake of uploading my main character to my new toyhouse which linked to my new account and he used that to comment on my toyhouse AND my deviantart profile with this comment:
let me explain the situation in that comment!
1.) i called him a psychopath lol
2.) i blocked his boyfriend (ex) on my new account (that i avoided showing anyone) in hopes i could have a fresh start. me blocking his boyfriend caused no harm to him, as we apparently were not mutual.
3.) his boyfriend was trying to avoid mentioning that he had shown me his vent account, leading ryland (kaspur) to believe that I was the one that shared his vent account. he later found out that he infact was wrong, and mad enough at his boyfriend to make him suicidal. I don't know the private details, this is what ryland himself told me. 4. he also used this whole "autism diagnosis" against me despite having been undiagnosed / re-evaluated on the diagnosis with his knowledge of such.
/ / / / / / / / ☆ / / / / / / / /
some time passed and things settled down, until he and his ex broke up. i mentioned something about his ex ( i think i was supporting his ex somehow? the comments are hidden / gone ) and he spammed my profile with 4-6 aggressive comments that he's removed recently, all that is left is us having a tense conversation. with this, we decided to add eachother on discord to figure out what kind of situation ryland had been left in, how his ex treated him and began to enjoy talking to eachother once more.
Time passed and we grew closer, eventually dating. It started out smoothly, we cared about eachother and wanted the best for eachother, but as time went on, teasing remarks began to feel more harmful and fights began to occur more often. Ryland would push my buttons, dig into my weaker side of myself (unintentionally or intentionally, i do not know) and it caused me to become very unhealthy. He was assuming how i felt about situations and tried to one-up me. He literally told me that "i dont rely on you for affection, dont rely on you for attention, dont rely on you for help" and how "I'll dedicate time to Cass, preserve every conversation I had with her," Due to this, I began to get very disconnected with myself and needed proper treatment for the situation I was in. he vented about me and how he "hated me" during our relationship. He even ASKED ME TO ABUSE HIM. LOOK AT THIS:
https://sta.sh/2ejxr4mb7l9?edit=1
and to add the icing on the cake, he would threaten to slit my wrists if I ignored him, and if it was meant to be some kind of sick joke, he made it sound very serious with the tone he used it in.
Can I just mention that.. if you ask someone to do something, it usually means they haven't done it, right? Not only this, but (while he was drunk) he was begging me to have sex with him, tried to pressure me into having sexual conversations with him because "I did with my other girlfriends" and wouldn't stop bringing it up during that night, it hurt me. And what hurts me more is that these conversations happened in a no longer existing groupchat meaning the most I can give you guys is my word.
Not to mention, cass' therapists have mentioned that ryland comes off to them as an abusive, controlling and sometimes even predatory person. One of them even referred Cass this document as something they feel connects with ryland:
/ / / / / / / / ☆ / / / / / / / /
For the past few weeks, ryland has been venting about me in group-chats and pm, as well as making very malicious status posts targeting (and name-dropping) both cass and i.
screenshots of his vents
- Ryland has yet to state what makes him believe I gas-lighted him and abused him, only claims these two titles. i'm still waiting for his reasoning behind these claims ***
- I'm not a Satanist, I do not have any beliefs in religious-related subjects, and never have been. I've questioned it, but in the end never went along with it
- "im more mature with situations like fights" ... that doesn't seem evident in the multiple times you have:
Spammed various people's profiles with hateful messages and deaththreats
Using a wide array of slurs (whore, nigga, cunt) against people
Making fun of their diagnosis's and coping methods, such as autism or age regression
- We decided to leave Ryland because he was making us unhealthy
- Ryland has NO RIGHT to assume what happened in my relationships, there was no pressure involved in any of my relationships
- The problems I 'pressured' him for were ones RELATING TO THE RELATIONSHIP. It was ideal for me to know the problems someone may have with me in hopes to change to make them comfortable and healthier.
*** this is the only thing he uses to back his claims.
"i talked to a therapist someone who KNOWS WHAT IT IS and what abuse is n shit"
/ / / / / / / / ☆ / / / / / / / /
This is a link of him harassing people, spamming people as well as dictating emotions..
extra information
Also, some texts he sent to cass which concerned me.
Cass's Version:
This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done ;_; because I have never done this to someone before and I hope I never do this again. He was my best friend and I cared for him. But I'm sick and tired of being harassed, name dropped, etc, just because I left him to better myself. I'm sick of him making me look like an awful person just because I left. He makes my mistakes look like the worst thing that has ever happened to him. He won't leave us alone and I don't want to be walked all over by him anymore, not again.
He manipulates the truth:
Last year, Ryland was so stressful to handle.
After I left him, he made a massive call out journal on me. Because I stopped being his friend. Let that sink in, I stopped being his friend. He called me his best friend, he even said to me that I was "better than Nichii" (now known as Dazai) and you know, you don't fucking attack your so called 'best friend' after they leave you, all I did was stop being his friend.
"Oh but he was your bestfriend! Why are you calling him out?!" He won't shut the fuck up about us, he won't leave us alone. He is so spiteful.
Even if Ryland was going through so much at that time, I needed to look after myself. I don't owe him my friendship. I DON'T owe him anything. I was also going through a hard time, I was being bullied at school but oh, I guess your problems were more important then my problems. I was dealing with my own shit, I didn't have to keep babying you because I was so special to you.
I know I don't owe you anything. I did tell him that I felt like I owed him something (I don't remember the exact thing I said) but even if I did say that I owed him something, I don't.
When I was his friend last year it stressed me so much, the counselors I went too could see how our friendship was hurting my mental health... it was just unhealthy what we were and I acted differently because it was affecting my mental health so much. They wanted me to leave him. He kept calling me 'perfect' and a lot of other things, it's been a year so I don't quite remember things clearly but that is one of the things that stuck with me. Everything he said to me made me feel like I had to be the perfect friend for him, I had to be like some sort of knight in shining armor. So I acted differently towards him. I let him walk all over me. I let him hurt me (unintentionally / intentionally?) just so I can be good enough for him.
He didn't force me to act differently, but it's the impact he had on me. I was so depressed, I had to be perfect. I had to be the best just for him. I couldn't do it.
Everyone around me was literally telling me to leave him INCLUDING my therapists, that really says something right? Everyone saw who he really was except me because I considered him my FRIEND.
So back to the massive call out post on me, because of the things he said about me on that call out are now the reason why I think I'm such an awful person,(and because I used to be bulliedl) I know I'm not. He demonized me. He made himself look like an angel. I did do stupid things out of emotion but he did way worse to me, he attacked me, he made himself look like he did nothing bad and I was just some evil person.
Sadly, I didn't screenshot / save anything about the journal (my friends have witnessed it and they all called it bullshit because everything he said about me was false and they are the people who truly know who I am) but I do have a comment which is still up on his old account which is basically all the things he said about me but not as bad.
https://comments.deviantart.com/4/39888493/4226447654
-He was previously known as Kaspur
Okay, first of all I did not leave him over a bee.
I left him because of how depressed he made me(he was tearing at my mental health unintentionally) and everyone(including therapists) told me to leave him. So, I did. I shouldn't of said "it will be okay" it was stupid of me to do, but I was panicking. HE WAS SPAMMING MY PAGE, HE WAS SPAMMING ME ON SKYPE, HE WOULDN'T STOP, WHAT THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSE TO DO?
I do not hurt people intentionally, I never want to hurt people. Everyone who knows me knows that I don't. He never knew me! He really should fucking stop assuming how people felt. He isn't right just because he says it, he never knew how I felt and he still does this to this very day. YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW OTHERS FEEL.
You know what, I did leave him for a month because I needed personal space at that time I was not 'trying to get the fuck away from him'. He was unbelievably dependent on me and I couldn't handle it, I couldn't even handle myself, so how the hell was I suppose to handle him?
He made it seem like I made him be so 'attached' and so 'clingy'. I did nothing. I knew what I was to him but that doesn't mean shit. That doesn't mean I have to stay and be his friend. I am not obligated to be his friend just because he felt like that towards me. Leaving him doesn't make me a bad person.
"I told him i WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU"
He asked me to promise him that I would not leave him. That is unhealthy. I remember the day very clearly because it made me feel uneasy. I did say those things but I felt very very pressured into doing so. I mean, if someone who relied on you heavily asked you that, how would you react? "I can't promise you that I can stay forever/ I can't promise you I won't leave."
"when he gave his opinion about a friend coming back to me (she left me for 5 months and i didnt know why) I TOTALLY DIDNT LISTEN TO HIM! HIS OPINION DOESNT MATTER RIGHT?!!?"
How dare you assume my personal situation you barely knew anything about. I wasn't going to leave my best friend just because you told me too. She did not hurt me like how you hurt me.
Also, by the way, if your friend hurt/upset you and you vent about how you feel at that moment, that doesn't make it a fucking back stab. We all say things at the heat of the moment, and I suppose what Ryland did back then was 'heat of the moment' but it was a major overreaction. I remember he'd talk about it for months, he terrified me. You don't DEMONIZE someone you called your 'best friend' just because they leave you.
He also harassed me. He spammed my fucking profile. He still does this to people. I know he spammed his ex. I still have those screenshots. He used multiple accounts. He made 3 new accounts just to keep spamming me.
https://xxcasandraloverxx.deviantart.com/
http://xxcasandrasenpaixx.deviantart.com/
http://xxcasandrasuckedmexx.deviantart.com/
I was in a call with my best friend at that moment and I was crying my eyes out! He saw all the things they said about me he helped me hide the comments because there was so much.
Overall, he and his friends used 12 accounts just to spam me. Pathetic. Here's the accounts because I reported it:
(lol dazai was one of them xD abuse)
+ the fact that he used my real name to create three of these spam accounts made me feel absolutely terrible
If anyone wants proof of the spam, I'll gladly give it to you. I have it saved on my old phone.
This was last year but from what I and Dazai can tell, he has barely improved and has gotten worse. He STILL manipulates situations into something more 'evil' then what they really were.
Me and Dazai would call and play minecraft but we kept it from him because we didn't want to make him jealous, he was very jealous about me and Dazai being friends.
So we were all in a call together and after I went to bed, Dazai accidentally told him that we had been calling and playing minecraft and Ryland makes it out that this is one of the terrible things Dazai has done. He lied about playing minecraft with me.
In a journal he said this, "38. What happened? we dated. i got lied to three times. he made me look like the bad guy cus i was mad at him for lying. he left me. haha, so what was that mr "i love ryland" thnx 4 faking it"
He made you look like the bad guy? You made yourself look like the bad guy, you overreacted to him not telling you that we played minecraft together. Like, you lie yourself, you told me you lied about our friendship or whatever the fuck you mean't a few months ago. So... you can lie, but if we lie we're the worst person to have ever existed? Grow up. Just because you're 13 doesn't give you an excuse to act immature. Sure, it plays a roll because you're young but... you know what you do is bad and you STILL DO IT. You're nearly 14.
----
The counselors/therapists I've gone to ALL say he's manipulative and they all think he's a predator. I tell/show them what he has said to me and that's what they have all said. All (I'm not exaggerating) of the therapists don't even believe he is 13 because of the way he acts. My recent therapist thinks what he did to me was a "power and control thing" and she said he is very manipulative.
She read them out loud to me and I was shocked because some of them were spot on for example: Minimize/deny/blame
The descriptions under the headlines are just examples of what someone could do.
He DEFINITELY minimizes the things he has done wrong since he's done it with me(you can see it up there), he did it with Dazai (look at his side of the story) and I'm sure he does it with everyone who wrongs him.
-He knows he does bad things but, he never changes? He told me he didn't want to change.
-He blamed the things he did to Dazai on his ex.
I didn't want to believe any of it, he was my friend. I didn't want to believe he was manipulative. I was ignorant because I was blinded by the fact that he was my friend. I know he isn't intentionally manipulative, or at least, I hope he isn't intentionally manipulative. But IT'S HIS PERSONALITY. Dazai KNOWS HIM. You don't want to see the bad in your friend, ya know? You support your friends. Now that I left him for good and I'm with healthier people, I can finally see who he really is and I regret supporting him.
---
I'll repeat this: He is sometimes unintentionally manipulative but he does have control over what he does.
He told me things like this multiple times:
but as soon as I want too, he pulls stuff like this:
He begged me, I don't want to show it all because it fucks me up but if I really have too I will. I asked him to not beg me but he still kept begging!
That really pressured me. It made me feel like shit. It made me feel so guilty for leaving you which shouldn't happen.
He lied to me saying it was okay, and then he tried to manipulate me into staying with him. Those screenshots really explain themselves. I nearly stayed too despite it putting SO MUCH PRESSURE ON ME, I was crying so much, it hurt my chest, I was about to have a panic attack, it was awful.
I didn't stay because Dazai helped me through it, and I'm glad I didn't stay because our friendship was fucking me up.
One time he called me selfish for trying to stop him from committing suicide(he apologized but that isn't the point of this) and this is what my friend said about it:
-------
Ryland checks up on us.
We check up on him. I'm not going to lie, I do check up on him. He's out to get us. He makes me so anxious. I'm scared he's going to ruin my reputation like he did with me last year! and with so many people just because they leave him or because they 'gaslight/manipulate him'. DAZAI IS NOT MANIPULATIVE. Dazai is no where NEAR manipulative! Dazai is honestly the kindest soul I've ever met. He has helped me and my friend Sky through a lot, and I'm really glad I met such a kind person like him. Many other people can say the same and it's really fucking weird how only one person on earth thinks differently about both of us!
You don't know us. You're just really fucking upset because me and him are friends and you sure love to try to get back at us for enjoying each others company. How malicious.
We have our heads up OUR ASSES? how fucking hilarious.
HOW DO YOU NOT SEE HOW MANIPULATIVE YOU ARE, IS YOUR HEAD SO FAR UP YOUR ASS YOU CAN'T GET OUT?
You treated DAZAI LIKE SHIT.
You manipulated me. You pressured me. You made a call out on me BECAUSE I STOPPED BEING YOUR FRIEND. You've done HORRIBLE stuff to me, Dazai and your other 'abusive' ex.(more on that later) If anything, calling me a bitch is a compliment. Thank you. YOU'RE TOXIC.
Dazai is not manipulative, that is not who he is. You fucking told me he was manipulating me but you have no proof? I know why Dazai acted the way he did and what he did to you isn't as bad as you make it out to be. Sure, he did stupid things but you make it out like it's the worst fucking thing he's ever done in his life. NOBODY deserves to be demonized for minor / HUMAN mistakes. You demonize the living shit out of people just because they leave you.
proof who? He's manipulating me because I... think he's a good person? He does not treat me like how you treated me.
I'm sure Dazai mentioned this in his side of the story so I'm going to say this: He acted differently around you because of how awfully you treated him, he was not himself and he wanted to leave. You do NOT know Dazai. It is not an excuse, but it is the impact you had on him. You made him unhealthy by the way you treated him, intentionally or not, you still did and you fucking knew you were treating him poorly. You hint it yourself in a meme journal you wrote here;
"49. What do you regret: reacting the way i did
50. Why? cus i would be with the person i love right now lol?"
SO YOU MUST KNOW YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG!
And you know what Ryland? You're not my second choice, your not even my last choice! I'll never pick you! Not anymore at least. You always wanted to one up Dazai! You made me feel so freaking pressured to leave him just because you wanted to be better then him. I felt like I had to tell you that 'you're better' and other things just to comfort you. You depended on me and I felt like there was no other option, I didn't know what to say that would make you feel better! Sure, it might've not been your intention to do that but you still made me feel very pressured.
"i will always be that friend u have in the background while u r playing doll with ur other friends but when they leave you, you come to me"
EXCUSE ME? E X C U S E M E? YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW I FELT ABOUT YOU. STOP FUCKING ASSUMING HOW I FELT TOWARDS YOU. I have NEVER came back to you when my friends leave me. You're fucking gross, how DARE YOU. YOU DON'T KNOW ME. That is not who I am. I try my best to talk to EVERYONE even when I am facing my own problems. STOP TRYING TO BE BETTER THEN MY FRIENDS. YOU'RE NOT BETTER THEN THEM. You are probably THE WORST friend I've EVER HAD. Not even the friends I had petty childhood fights with treat me like that! and that's saying a lot.
AND JUST IN CASE HE MENTIONS THIS I'LL JUST SAY IT: I swear to god if you mention how "I left that one friend because I was jealous" yeah, I did. I don't want to get into detail because it is irrelevant but I didn't want to hurt her anymore then I have, I wasn't handling myself well and so I left her. You even told me to leave her. I care a lot about her still and I know for a fact I won't act the way I did again. I've learnt from my mistake. You don't know the full story between me and her. Yeah I told you 'bits' and 'pieces' but you don't know how we felt. So just fuck off before you mention it, you really really love to assume things so I wouldn't be surprised if he mentions this situation with some diluted bullshit.
You're disgusting Ryland for assuming I'd do that. I don't know how I supported and even loved someone like you.
You are not fucking mature when it comes to fights stop trying to make yourself this fucking angel, you're the most immature 13 year old I've ever met. My brothers your age too and he thinks your really immature. You make NO SENSE.
You also do not know how I handle my friends either, so like, just fuck off? I'm sorry that my mental health / care for the other person is important to me? NOT EVERYBODY ACTS LIKE YOU RYLAND. You made me so FUCKING DEPRESSED and you couldn't fix that. You can't fix it. I've always felt like that around you. Just because I leave someone does not mean they were worthless to me. So shut the fuck up, seriously. You do not know how me and Dazai handle things, we handle our situations very differently then yours, just saying.
I'll repeat this again; I do not owe you my friendship. No matter how depressed, weak, whatever you feel, I don't have to be your friend.
I really should not have come back to you all those 4 times I felt bad. I knew you were dependent on me that is why I kept coming back. I couldn't say no to you and I don't know why. I enjoyed our friendship of course, but there were more negatives in our friendship then positives. You said it in a bunch of statuses before, how you can't function without me and other things about me. I got those screen shoted.
But, like you said to me:
My kindness does blind me. I gave you the benefit of the doubt all this time. I thought you were a good person despite you proving it otherwise constantly.
---
Stop assuming how I felt throughout our friendship.
Stop assuming how I handle my friendships.
I handle situations differently to yours so SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Stop fucking assuming how I feel! Just because I tell you something doesn't mean it's the whole story! You are malicious.
I don't like you.
I want you to get the fuck away from me, I want you to shut the fuck up about me, I never want to be in contact with you AGAIN. I'll never ever come back to you like I have stupidly done those 4 times, I did it because I cared about you but fuck that. You obviously never cared about me since you treat me like shit after I leave. You're so fucking spiteful and full of revenge it'd be healthier if you just move on and learn from your mistakes. You almost never do.
You CONSTANTLY complain about things you can fix about yourself, I CAN'T HELP YOU WHEN ALL YOU DO IS WHINE AND NOT WANT TO CHANGE.
I'm also reconsidering the situation with your ex Sage, because I know now that you make issues look more sinister then they really are. I know he did some stupid shit, but were they really that fucking terrible? I'd honestly like to hear his side of the story since we never got to hear it.
If what me and Dazai did was bad, the things he's done to us is worse.
I'm done with you Ryland.
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Produce 101 Scandals
I'm so sick of seeing the trainees being bashed for simple mistakes. Some trainees didn't even do anything wrong but still get bashed because some people hate on everything unless their fave is doing well and even then they still do it. Scandals started even before the first episode aired, Maroo Entertainment's Han Jongyeon got shit on for his past actions. I honestly didn't have a problem with him leaving the competition because he deserved consequences for what he did, but what we forget sometimes is that it's not our place to judge or say anything on the matter. Whether he did something or not we don't know the full story so why stick your nose in a place where it doesn't belong. I'm not saying you can't have an opinion but don't "take matters I to your own hands" and hate on a trainee when all the information you know came out of an allkpop article. It is not your business, you aren't involved in anyway, so why are you over there making a fool out of yourself by cussing out a trainee that might never see your comments. Kang Daniel got shit on for his actions, I understand that he did make a terrible decision and should have thought it through but it's a simple mistake. He apologized and got dealt with by the Produce 101 staff so why do you think that your two cents are needed? The kid gets hated on and will continue to get hated on regardless of what he chooses to do because of a simple mistake. Get off your high horse, realize that you too have made mistakes and leave him alone. What do you get out of hating on a 22 year old that is just trying to make his dreams come true? at the end of the day he's doing something with his life and you're sitting at home using foul language because you lack the intelligence to voice your opinion in a civilized manner. Lee Daehwi, better known as "the kid that did absolutely nothing to you". What did he do exactly? "He's arrogant" acknowledging your skills and having your best be enough to be one of the best is arrogance? He got hated on for being the center because apparently you can be an absolute mess on stage and be worshipped as long as you're handsome. Beauty is subjective so I'm not going to fight you on your opinion, even if I'm my eyes Daehwi has a cute lil face that is idol worthy, but you know to each their own. The hate that he gets got so bad that he felt that he couldn't be disappointed for being ranked lower than he had hoped for, it got so bad that he didn't volunteer to be center for playing with fire, it got so bad that he felt that he had to say "I know I'm ugly but please vote for me" during his "it's meringue time" video. Daehwi is beyond talented, I do believe that he is a force to be reckoned with and so do you because if you didn't you wouldn't bash him to make your faves look better. Im Youngmin has to be the most heartbreaking for me. How would you feel if you got hated on because you were with someone you love? I don't expect you to think about that why would you? You've proven that you're about as selfish and petty as it can get, so why would you put yourself in somebody else's place? All of those comments scolding him for dating someone are completely unnecessary, frustrating, and well stupid. It's not his or his girlfriend's fault that you feel entitled to a 22 year old just because he's on the path of becoming a public figure. Princess he's not yours to do with as you please, he's not here to do as you say, he's human and him and every idol out there should be treated as such. Idols, soon to be idols, and/or trainees do not give up their humanity when they decide on this lifestyle. YOU DO NOT GET TO TELL THEM WHAT TO DO. YOU DO NOT GET TO DESTROY THEIR FRIENDSHIPS OR RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE YOU ARE DELUSIONAL. But you do, you do it anyways, you hurt the people you say you love because you are a spoiled brat that can't handle not getting what they want. I hope Youngmin and his girlfriend get through this and live happily ever after just to spite you all. I hope that they shove their relationship down your throat so we can see you foaming at the mouth in the corner, but that's the thing. You see you don't really care, it's all temporary. One day you love this celebrity and say that you'll be in love forever and the next you find somebody new to obsess over (god help them). For you it's temporary, for them it's there forever, that situation is a part of their life. Maybe you ruined a relationship that meant the world to them, maybe you ruined their chances of being successful, maybe you damaged their mental health. You're not paying for your actions, they are, but you don't care. If your fave isn't in love with you then he can't be in love with anybody? Please rethink your psychotic mentality and stop being a waste of oxygen for the rest of us. I'm so sick and tired of trainees/idols being bashed for nothing. They deserve to be happy just like you and me. You say you love them, how about you stop saying it and start showing it?
#no one cares I know#but I felt like I had to say it#I feel for these trainees because they deserve so much love#but are being hated on for the stupidest things#I didn't even talk about jisung and hyunbin#those two are dealing with so much shit#can you all stop being whiny bitches and start appreciating them?#produce 101#im youngmin#kang daniel#Lee Daehwi#han jongyeon#produce 101 season 2
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i miss my best friend. i miss her a lot. it’s not that she died or anything, but everything about our friendship crumbled and turned to dust when i moved away. i always felt bad about it. she was the only friend to show up at my old house at 5 am before we left. i dont know how i didnt cry but it broke my heart watching her walk back home from my house as the moving truck drove away. i didnt cry back then, but the memory is making me cry now because it just hurts. i dont know where it went wrong. the first few times icame back to visit my dad was fine. she’d come get me from his house (45 minutes away) and we’d drive back to our neighborhood and have a good time hanging out and talking. and then after that it felt like i was a burden. id text her and try to set something up for next time. it always seemed like something convenient would happen to where we couldnt hang out. where id just be stuck at my dad’s for 3 weeks straight. my other friends dropped me instantly when i moved, like i never really mattered to them in the first place. and maybe i didnt. i always had to butt my way in to conversations and practically invite myself to the things they did. maybe they never really liked me all along and they just tolerated me. but my best friend was always there. she’d been there for me since were we 5.
we were close. people always thought we were sisters. we even bought the same swimsuit on accident one year without telling each other. she was one of the first people i told when i got my period. her parents treated me like i was their second daughter too. i could always walk into their house unannounced and nobody minded. my own mom also treated her like a second daughter. my dad was always an asshole to her though and i will always resent him for it. i was always at her house every weekend. it was my escape. our friendship was my escape. the fights my parents had with each other didnt matter when icould leave and go a block away to her house. i spent every weekend there. we’d run around the entire neighborhood, even finding a secret broken fence that we could go through and nearly be right by the interstate. i remember being so sad one halloween when her parents bought her a sakura cosplay costume and i couldnt convince my parents to get me an ino one. i wish i would have forced myself to go out on the last halloween i spent there even though i was sick. i didnt know it would be my last.
ill never forget all the stupid youtube videos we watched on her dad’s computer in the basement. all the shitty youtube poops and cringy naruto chatrooms. or all the time we spent talking on the phone during the airing of new naruto episodes, or while we played animal crossing. my dad always yelled at me for being on the home phone so often but i didntcare.
i miss her so much but she changed an awful lot after i moved. i wonder if i would have changed like her if i stayed. i wonder if i would have gotten arrested for smoking weed in her car with her. i wonder if i could have kept her out of trouble. i dont know. all the times i went up to my dad’s, he always asked if i would be seeing her and i never knew. even though id try to plan with her months in advance, something always magically came up last second. so i just stopped trying. i stopped telling her when i would show up, since it wouldnt matter anyways. it just felt like i was nothing. it still feels like im nothing. part of me wonders if she felt relief when my dad died. i wonder if she was relieved that i wouldnt have a reason to visit anymore. a reason to bother her. the last time i went up was for my step grandad’s 100th birthday. i tried making plans with her months in advance, and magically the day before she has to take her mom to a doctor’s appointment.
i didnt know what i was expecting. i wasnt surprised. i felt bad asking my mom to take me and my bf to the zoo, but she had an old friend who lived near in that area so she said it was fine. i still felt like a burden. i felt like shit and i felt stupid in believing that anything had changed. we even went back to my old neighborhood and drove around. we drove past her house too, and my mom asked if i wanted to see if she was home. i just told her no. she never asked about it, but i think she knew that i was done. i was tired. a friendship of almost 10 years just. gone. like that.
i know i shouldnt miss her because in the end, she probably stopped caring about me. but god it fucking hurts. everything about it hurts. i miss her. i miss all the fun we’d have during the summer, or during breaks from school. i miss trick or treating with her. i miss running around the neighborhood with her. i wholly believed she was my platonic soulmate, and then my parents got divorced and i moved away and everything just crumbled like sand between my fingers. i just hurts and i dont know what to do about it. my head is a jumbled mess and i have so many regrets and intrusive thoughts about ever leaving. it keeps me up at night and it haunts me. among other things, but it feels like a stab to the chest every time. the memories are there but they feel like they’re from a lifetime ago. they feel like they’re from someone else that wasnt me. i just want to stop thinking about it and stop remembering it all so i can stop feeling regret and stop feeling so shitty but i cant. i cant stop my brain wont let me. evyerthing is just crumbling down and i cant stop it. i bet my dad would still be alive too if i stayed. i would have gotten onto his ass about his health. even through all the pain he caused my mom and the horrible financial situations he put us in because of his drinking habit and car habit he didnt deserve to die and i hate it. i hate it and i hate that my brother had to be up there and deal with it all because he was so young an ddidnt deserve it. he was only 14 and he saw his own dad dead on the hospital bed and there was nothing he could do. i thought i could trust my dad’s girlfriend but she was a bitch and she let him die she let him die and i cant forgive her she’s a nurser she should have known heart attack signs and called 911 right awya instead of waiting. she killed him and icant ever forgive her and i hope she gets what she deserves.
god this is devolving really quick and i cant sotp it im so sorry i cant i jsut need to get this out because my brain jsut wont stop and i cant stop thinking i cant stop crying i just want to stop existing for a while. but i dont want to die because i have too many people i care about anf theyd be so sad so i have to sstay. nobody online would know what happened and i cnat do that to them i lvoe them all so much. im sorry this is getting really bad i just wanted to get my thoughts out there and it turned into a mess. ill be okay i always am so please odnt worry im just. really really. i dont even know how to describe it.
i dont think i m going to be able to sleep well tonight but i have to go and try it’s alreayd so late
#kou bitches#negative#negative tw#really really negative#im sor sorry#i jsut wnated to rwrite my thoughts down because i jsut feel so weighed down and it got relaly bad#im okay i promsie im justnot in a good brain state#i didnt want to bother thr group chat with this and like nobody follwoes me here#im sor ry#death mention#death tw#i dont know how to tag this#long post#i tri3d to readmore it and i hope itbworks for people
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College Advice from a Nursing Student
The new semester is coming up fast, and I thought that I would tell you guys about things that helped me succeed in college (with depression and anxiety and a very very hard major).
GO TO CLASS I’m dead serious here. Go. To. Class. It’s super easy to skip one day and then skip another, and another, and another, and another, until you’ve skipped three out of the five classes you take during the week. Going to class and paying attention brings you up at least one letter grade, and you don’t even need to study. Make a deal with yourself and try to keep it. My deal was that I wasn’t allowed to skip class unless I was so sick I couldn’t go, or if there was an emergency. In the end, I went to every single class last semester (I was actually so anxious about missing class and failing that I forced myself to go. Not a good thing, guys).
Don’t party on a weeknight. This may sound?? I don’t know. Lame (do we even call things lame anymore?) or something, but really, it works. If you limit partying to Fridays and Saturdays only, you won’t ever have to skip a class because you’re hungover.
Be in bed by 11:30 on weeknights. You don’t need to be asleep, but just being in bed, not working, not going out, just chilling on your laptop or phone or reading a book will help with your exhaustion in the morning.
DO NOT WORK/STUDY ON YOUR BED!!! You have a desk for a reason and libraries and cafes exist for a reason. It’s so you don’t study on your bed. If you do that, your brain associates stress and work with your bed, which will make it much, much harder for you to fall asleep. Which makes you very very tired in the morning.
Sit in the front. I do this for two reasons. If you sit in the front, then the professor can see when you’re not paying attention. I do that on purpose. I feel guilty if the professor sees me on my phone, so I don’t use my phone so I’m forced to pay attention. Also, if you’re in a huge lecture hall (I was in three last semester), then you won’t be able to see all the people in the class, which makes the professor and the class feel much less intimidating.
Use a notebook, if you can. I call this studying without studying. If you write your notes, then you’re more likely to remember what you learned in class, you’re less likely to get distracted by the internet, and you won’t need to study as much later because you’ll remember more. Also older professors love shit like that. They think technology is satan or whatever, I don’t know.
Give yourself time to get to class. Running to class and being late is a) disruptive b) exhausting and c) super stressful. It may be tempting to cut it close, but I’m telling you, it’s really not worth it.
Start studying exactly seven days before an exam. Of course, adjust this period if you want, but for me? I do exactly seven days for a very specific reason: it’s less stress. I’m a victim of the Fuck It Point™️ where around 24 hours before an exam, I say, “if I don’t know it I never will, fuck it I’m going in with what I have.” A week gives enough time to study, but not study too much. I’m a flashcard maker. I make flashcards for literally everything. So what I do is on day one to three I say to myself, “go through the cards at least once a day.” Does it always happen? No. But it gives me enough time to not finish going through the cards but at least start and not feel guilty that I’m doing nothing with my life and that I’m going to fail. After day three really start to crack down. Go through them at least twice and at most five times. By the end of the week you’ll know every card, I swear.
Take Naps. I know some people can’t sleep during the day, but I want to tell you this: if you can’t fall asleep during the day, just take twenty minutes, lay down, and close your eyes. I promise you will feel so much more rested than you were before.
Join a club with low commitment. I joined the fencing team because I fenced in high school. It gives me something to do outside of work and if I really can’t, or don’t want, to go, I just don’t. No consequences, no stress, just something I do in my off time.
Pick a day to get your shit together. Every. Week. My day is Sundays. On Sundays, I clean, I do laundry, I go grocery shopping, and I relax. No work. No studying. No going out and being crazy. I just get my shit together and recharge. That way on Monday, I feel at least like I can pretend that I have my life together. Tell people about it. Let them know. They’ll a) think you’re more put together than you actually are and b) be impressed (I also do this so that I actually do it. If I tell people, then they know, and if I don’t do it, then I lied to them. Healthy? Not sure. Effective? Totally.)
Go see the school’s therapist. They’re real therapists and it’s usually included in your tuition. My guy is Mark. He’s pretty chill (he takes me too seriously sometimes). Everyone does it at some point, I promise (nursing majors are well known in the psych department because we very often have breakdowns). I don’t go every week, but he’s always there when I need someone who is the Real Deal to talk to and get help from.
Let yourself break down. I call them Days™️. I let myself have them and I try not to beat myself up about it. We all have moments of insecurity and “holy shit what am I doing here?”. It’s alright. A lot of people do. I had coffee and had a panic attack in the middle of me lecture hall. It was kind of embarrassing. I then proceeded to go home (aka my room) and lay down for the rest of the day. The next morning I woke up, only wanted to die a little bit, and went to class.
Talk to people. You don’t need friends, and you definitely don’t need best friends, if you don’t want them. Im not a friend kind of gal. I find people draining and stressful. I have like, two good friends that don’t even go to my university. But I still talk to people, and I still engage in conversations with my neighbors and whatever. It’s good knowing people because honestly, it helps me feel more human. I then hole away again. It’s good for people to know you and to have people to talk to. Mental health and all that.
Join a community. My school has a community for all the POC (I go to an extremely white school, so MCSC is like a safe space). Every employee in the program is POC, we have dinners and there’s a living room to just sit and hang. There are advisors that help you with racial/cultural stuff and we have workshops that help you feel out your identity and how to deal with, well, dicks, basically. We also have a Women’s Center, an LGBT+ center, and so much more. They’re just places to relax and find people like you. Your school probably has them, too.
Wash your face in the morning. It’ll help you feel more awake, less like shit, and it’ll do something about the stress acne. Also wash your face at night. Dorms and campuses are gross. You’ll feel much cleaner, I promise.
Find your routine, and stick to it. It’s easier to do things when you’re just doing them on autopilot. It feels like less effort. If you keep with a routine you’ll have less stress and feel more accomplished, I swear.
Learn to be alone. I spend like 95% of my time outside of class alone nowadays, and it’s really not a bad thing. Some people will never rest, and some people will tell you you’re wasting college. You’re not. If you enjoy your alone time, and don’t have anywhere to be, don’t sweat it. It’s okay.
Shower. I know the showers are gross, and I know how easy it is to forget and push it to the side, but just getting in the shower and feeling clean really helps brighten the day up. Self care is hard, and sometimes just doing the shit you don’t want to do but have to is the best way to take care of yourself.
Eat. This sounds a bit like, duh yeah, but dining hall food is fucking nasty. I’m guilty of not eating just because the food is gross and just, no (I’m the queen of forgetting to eat, too - set reminders on your phone and carry snacks). But food is, literally, food for your brain! You’ll feel more awake, less sluggish, less faint and dizzy, and less like you’re falling apart at the seams. The freshmen 15 doesn’t fucking matter okay. Your health is important and who gives a fuck if you gain a bit. Love yourself.
Ofc, everyone is different, but maybe this can help you guys keep your head above water. And it may seem obscure, but all of these things contribute to me doing well in university. But let me leave you with one last bit:
You’re the most important person in your life. Treat yourself with care; it’ll translate into everything you do, I promise.
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My Best Friend
This is something one of my friends said to me yesterday:
“You and Chloe are so cute, i love your friendship”
~~~
This is something one of my best friends says pretty much on a daily basis:
“You two are so weird”
~~~
This is a conversation me and my best friend had today:
You’re so cute
Hahah am i
Yeah haha
Cause you want to ring me later so we can have a laughing session after we’ve both had crap days
Well thats what im for ennit
Indeed
We’re so weird
I love it
in what way lol i haven’t said anything
I know, I was just thinking about when we’re together and come up with things like ‘PEGIN’ and shit like that
~~~
Today my best friend hasn’t had the best of days. Neither have i. Weirdly enough, we seem to sync up when it comes to things like that. Conversations like the one i showed you just aren’t rare. We frequently talk about how weird we are or how much we love each other and so on. But today i read these messages and started physically smiling because i thought about how important she really is to me.
Ever since we met i’ve counted her as my best friend, mainly because - as sad as it is - i didn’t have many friends until high school, but also because i loved the way she was. To small, geeky and eleven year old me, Chloe was one of the 'cool kids’. She seemed so carefree, hilarious and positive, yet so unique in her own ways. I’d love nothing more than to have a hysterical story about how we met, but that i don’t have, i don’t remember meeting her in the slightest. Throughout the five years we’ve had of high school we’ve become closer and closer to each other to the point that now we may aswell be superglued to each other. She is always there for me. 2016 was the hardest year for me by a long long looooong mile, and 2015 was not much easier, however this one has stuck with me from the word go and hasn’t stopped. For that i am eternally grateful (Hi Hazel Grace).
She knows everything about me, too many secrets to even try and recollect. From the way that i spend half my time dancing round my kitchen at gone midnight making rice to the way that i now do my eyebrows after having over a year of shitty half-shaven-off eyebrows. I know her inside out too, from the way that she loves the way her teenage mutant ninja turtle pants make her ass look to the way that she loves being the little spoon even though she is the big spoon to little old me. She is the person who will help me when I am down, turn my frown upside-down, and make me feel better about myself. I can’t imagine any better of a friend. I love her more than anything and I would die for her.
Chloe and I are always together, i’m 99.9% sure that everyone following us on our various social medias are sick and tired of seeing each other plastered everywhere. I messaged her not long back just telling her that i missed her and that i was coming over. I then proceeded to buy myself a cone of chips at gone 5pm and walk twenty minutes or so through the woods to hers just to see her. I walked in, saw her painting a landscape on a piece of paper stuck to her wall and fed her some chips. I then lay on her bed and talked to her about anything and everything. With some people, i can be close to them and meet up with them but still feel like we have to be doing something. Like we have to be going to town or have something to do at home, but with chloe i literally just let myself in and sit in her bed and it’s enough. It’s hard to find a friend like that. You may have good friends that you can count on to cheer you up, but to be completely full of trust and completely dependable on a person and knowing they will be there for you at literally any point in the day, it’s hard to find someone like that.
Without her I would not be as happy as I am now. I remember back in september i was really really upset because of some problems me and my boyfriend at the time were having. I rang her that night, crying and crying and after a couple of hours, she had me laughing, we had adopted a giant spider that we named hillary, and she genuinely made me forget about the shit that had gone on and i finally went to sleep that night. The next day, me and him broke up. I rang her before i did anything else, and cried and cried and cried, which caused her to cry. She was crying because she felt bad, because she had told me everything was going to be okay. I then felt bad because she was crying and we both just cried and cried. I’m the same for her. Any time she’s upset i will be upset too. I feel as though we are that attached to each other that we hurt for each other too. We also sync up with happiness, the time when she got a boyfriend (Lewis, one of our best friends) may have been the best day ever for her, but that day i was happy too. I was happy that my best friend (and my other best friend) was finally with someone who made her feel exactly how i know she should be treated. She deserves to be loved, she deserves the world, i can tell you that now. I loved her curly and poofy ginger hair even though it is now straightened 24/7 and is getting darker by the second making it turn brown i still love it. I love her green eyes that i can only describe as being the colour of moss and she will get the reference as to why. I love her 'squish’ and honestly everything about her.
We have so many inside jokes and truly perplexing memories that i’ve lost track. Many of them, nobody would understand in their lifetime, but just because i know she’s reading this, i’m going to list a few, or maybe more than a few just for the benefit of us.
Quack.
PEGIN
'Cry me out’
Naaa Savenyaaa
Hot Stuff
The video of me chasing the ducks in school
Concentration face
Tattoo water
'Sleeping with the light on’
Main Squeeze (Animal Cracker, Pineapple Chunk, Hot Jalapeno, Sweet Potato)
Awkward hug in 18
Swell
Gorgeous
Sparkle and Shine
Little nutella
She’s not afraid
The time i slept at yours and got woken up by belle sitting on my face?
Haggis land
'Cooler than me’
Beautiful
Moon Child
Green Bean
Freckle Souls
Black heart
Squish
Are you making bread
Olay
Pork Chop
Sleeping double chins
'Happily’
The incident we will never speak of at ice skating
Pumpkin Carving
Speaking to tom while we had belle in between our legs
“The good squash”
Wrap Dance
Dubsmash and Videostar
Tomato Soup
Free Radio
My back mole
My snake face
That will do for now huh?
I want her to know how important she really is to me. I know I say “iluzzyou” all the time, but it just seems like I don’t make my point clear enough. I can’t stress it enough to her that she really is my best friend and she is my favourite person in the world. She keeps me sane and she makes me laugh like no one else, she is the most beautiful and yet the most ugly human being i’ve ever known in my life but that’s okay because i am too. She makes me laugh even when I all I want to do is cry, as i’ve tried to write out here but i’m not sure if i can quite grasp how good that actually is in just a piece of my writing.
She really is an absolutely incredible individual. I have never in my whole life been so lucky and proud to have someone like her to call my best friend. I don’t think I would be making it through high school without her if i’m being completely honest. There are not that many people in my life that I would die for, but when it comes to her I would die a million times over if that was what she wanted me to do. I’m not sure if i can thank her enough for everything she does for me.
Iluzzyou Chlobog.
@chloeewatt14
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