#im gonna be working through school too...
Text
it has come time for me to actually decide what subject i want to specialize in as a teacher and i'm so scared i'm gonna make the wrong choice and waste four years and an assload of money choosing the wrong one
#i wanted to be an english teacher at first#but english and writing and editing are my passions and i want to be an editor and an author someday#and ideally i do that on the side while i teach (probably middle or high school but leaning towards middle school)#but i don't want to resent english or grow so tired of it from doing that as both jobs#plus being a teacher is never like having one job it's like two#what with grading homework and lesson planning and classroom upkeep#i dont want to be tired of reading 120 student's paper to then go home and read an ameteur writer's manuscript you know?#like both of those sound delightful but not both at the same time??#idk i can see myself being a science teacher i always liked science and i understand it easily#and i always enjoyed teaching my little brother all about science#wait nevermind! i think i got it#i would love to live my days as a science teacher#i wanna disect frogs and teach centrifugal force and race mouse trap race cars#omg i'm having an epiphany#now i just have to figure out if im gonna double major science and english or wait on the english degree#although idk if i can be a teacher AND be going to school myself at the same time#im gonna be working through school too...#im gonna make it work though#EEEEE
0 notes
Text
Im like. 25% thinking about my project and 75% thinking about dropping out at any given moment
#i cant stand the idea of having to make things anymore#this is not exactly ideal for an art school#yes yes it goes back to being depressed whatever i just need to push through do enough to pass and then never have to make anything again#its a bit sad when teachers talk about finding our methods and stuff for the future when i know im not gonna engage in any of this#again. but i go to every class because i dooo enjoy learning about art practices and what other people are passionate about etc#sigh#just make something for the midterm just prepare a course of action for the finals youll figure it out#well no the more i read the more i think i should all join a suicide cult instead but i know it wouldnt work because i hate people too much#and id just think its stupid and that i cant be bothered to go to any meetings#thats how it is for any community i try to join ultimately the thought of 'who cares' wins and i dont do anything
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
trying to give myself little grace about not feeling up to do anything at all for months when my entire last year of school i felt like i wanted to throw in the towel and kms daily and its probably that all that stress has just rebounded and needed time for me to process through it and feel it at a normal rate instead of super compounded daily but it still. barely helps because time doesnt stop for anyone and im just not supposed to have time to get myself together even if its smthn that should take me a long time
#like god they hated us huh#every other major and school were allowed time to work on their thesis and stuff before senior year and all ours#was supposed to be done senior year#not even the whole thing we were supposed to be done with the majority of it in the first semester#i wasin classss until 7 pm half the week and too exhausted to do anything after#and then havingnto set up and do our own gallery om top of that#and the pieces for it too#and it was jus. a constant barrage of stress and anxiety and i shut down easily#and i think im still feeling through the effect of that being an entire YEAR but i feel like im not allowed to#and i canf voice this to family bc im just gonna sound lazy#its. augh.#and adding on classes wnere we had to rush everything for a few final credits#bc teachers werent hired until halfway through the semester and then they still gave the whole semesters worth of work#and its like i dont like this i do wanna do smthn with my time#i wanna work its just#the worlds scary it feels like every day theres stuff that like#should be workd stoppjng but im supposed to just keep going#idk. idk
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
yknow. if i had a nickel for every time i had a huge crush on someone, never did anything about it, then reconnected with them several years later only to be told that they Also Had Feelings For Me or Currently Have Feelings For Me, except because of the time distance or other factors i/we cant/wont do anything about it and then i pretty much never see them again, id have two nickels. which isnt a lot, but it sure did happen twice.
#tbd#just. reflecting#man. remember being a Kid.#funny enough neither guy was someone i cried over! i DID cry over a boy in middle school because i couldnt work up the nerve to ask him#to dance with me. which in retrospect is so silly. i did also still think i was a girl back then too#but anyway. first guy didnt work out bc by the time he told me he liked me#which by the way was WILD bc he basically admitted that the very distinct memory i have as a turning point in our relationship#where we actually became friends. was ALSO the moment he REALIZED HE HAD FEELINGS FOR ME. and it just never came up. lmao#but by then id been over him for a few years. and then i ghosted him.#second guy i reconnected with in high school and he got a girlfriend partway through that year.#but he had a car and occasionally gave me rides home from school. and on one of them we started talking#about the summer camp we originally met at. and i told him id had a huge crush on him back then#(fully equipped with the knowledge that i still did kind of have one)#and thats when he told me ‘haha woah really?? i had feelings for you too. thats crazy’#and then we never talked about it again.#to be fair it probably never would have worked with us anyway because i have I Could Fix Him disease#and always have.#and he already had a drinking problem. at sixteen. so you can imagine how i felt about that.#anyway. all this is to say.#if it happens again im gonna k!ll myself lol#thats a joke. i will not. but i will be So fucking mad
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
*checking the tracking information for my package from under a pile of overpriced teas and vitamins* this next herbal supplement will fix me
#g o d what is up with my brain thats been making everything so hard recently#like. im in a job that im MUCH happier with now and loving it. im no longer living a waking trauma nightmare as a call center sup#...why is my brain acting like im forcing it on a trek through fucking mordor just trying to get through a normal day at work#im on break from school. why am i not able to do any of the things that i wanted to do during the semester but was too busy for#why am i not able to do anything that i want to do and if i DO manage to do it why am i not able to enjoy it#why am i living like every moment of my life in fear that im wasting my time or doing something wrong or not good enough#and like i KNOW the answers are adhd and depression and anxiety#but my buddy. my pal. @ the wrinkly fleshy thing in my skull#im on 6 different psychiatric medications with a total of up to 11 individual pills per day. im actively in therapy and have been for years#and my life is currently much better than it maybe has ever been! WHY am i still struggling so hard 😭#like i know recovery isnt a straight line and etc etc but like. it just feels like im doing everything im 'supposed' to do so what gives#so. gonna start drinking more plants i guess and see if that helps. im already on some that seem to help but i think i need more now#bc im having a bad time in my brain prison tbh :(#im not even like upset typing all this out either im just like. bewildered. incredulous. exhausted#lets hope this new overpriced tea fixes me i guess#rambling
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
omg i get a little stressed and to cope i end up playing esthetician until 130 am and go to bed feeling worse than before. and like id pluck every leg hair out but haven’t brushed my teeth yet. and after that my skin gets soo bad and im like whattttt why is this uappening.
#text#the past couple of months have been crayzeeeeeee but now things are cslm. but im still 🫨🫨🫨 mentally bc im not in a good routine or anything#it always starts bc im like ‘i need to take better care of myself’ and then ends badly. lol#tiktok ‘everything shower’ joke kinda made me get back into the strange habit of doing the absolute bare minimum + doing everything in one#night and feeling worse. instead of like having a more consistent routine#rly i need to start working out again. it helps me regulate things bc i like to plan ahead lol#im on anxiety meds now so im gonna TRYYYYYY to help myself by getting in a better routine#AND BY THAT. i mean SLOWLY bc ive gone through this cycle before and and starting things all on the same day is a variant of this.#and i gotta get off my phone. my neck fucking hurts from sitting weird and scrolling too long#tiny bit cringy to admit but i want to find a stim toy that i could do the same scroll motion on. if that makes sense#like a smooth peice of metal or something. maybe i’ll buy a little keychain and see if that could replace the motion while im chillin doing#something else#SORRY if anyone does read this usually i reread my posts to make sure im coherent before posting but its 140 something am and im high again#ALSO 2024 resolution im done being high on most week nights. i need to calm down w it#ok last thing bc this is funny#phoebe bridgers song came on while i was driving home and the one lyric was like im not afraid of going back to school…….#and it hit me in that exact moment bc I AMMMMMM AFRAID TO go back to school but im not‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ it’s fine‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ i am not gonna#ok goodnight. i brushed my teeth#sabotage this.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
prefacing this by saying im fine and its whatever and im mostly numb to it. but it kinda fucking sucks that being gaslit about my own sexuality leads to… doubting my own sexuality lol!
#purrs#just went to my first ever lavender graduation ceremony and had a convo w my dad after that touched on the EXACT horrors lol like i need to#learn to not bring this shit up around my parents bc they’re just gonna say the same things. and also it doesn’t matter bc idc about labels#and (to quote ricky) it’s a conversation not a constant. but like fucking hell. just bc ive never ‘’’’’’been with anybody’’’’’’ doesn’t#mean that i can’t know im not straight. the HORRIFIC psychic damage that did to me 5 years ago this month. the way i can’t think about#sexuality or being part of the lgbtq community since and like before then when that happened i thought i was a lesbian and was gonna try to#get involved with the school lgbtq student union . like it’s so ficking stupid and sad. and i can’t trust myself anymore i can’t tell if#anything ive ever felt for anyone is actually real bc according to my (straight and biphobic) parents ‘crushes don’t count’ and i haven’t#even had a crush in months anyway and yeah ive never ‘been with’ anybody. but like god damn. you DO NOT get to tell me i have to call myself#questioning. yeah im questioning but only i can call it that and only if i want to. i get to know me. i get to call me what i am. which also#means i get to work through the years of psychic damage this thread of conversation coming from my own parents has done to me#but i own that. i want to own that. ive had the feelings i have had. maybe they were wrong and misplaced and maybe there are other ways to#interpret them like me jus t having projection issues and whatever. but they were real to me and are real to me and shape how i show up#every single day. i get to know myself. i get to call myself what i am. even though you’re my parents you don’t get to tell me that. and you#should be sorry for how fucked in the head this has made me and how cut off i have become from other people who have felt what i have felt#and from the parts of myself that felt and hurt and loved. like lolllll. i was in a good mood and then that happened and now my heart hurts.#delete later#like i don’t talk abt this shit anymore for a reason 🤪✌️ i am not involved in lgbtq groups or communities online or offline for a reason 🤪✌️#and it’s yet another manifestation of impostor syndrome too like. ppl wonder why im like this…. there is a very good reason 💖
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
not me sitting at my desk staring off into space wistfully thinking about what im going to do on december 19 at 11am after my last final as if i don't have ten assignments to do, a paper to write, two exams next week and 3-4 finals to study for
#help#def gonna buy myself a milkshake and some snacks when it's over then just nab an empty classroom and play video games for hours#thinking about winter break on the horizon is literally the one thing getting me through this final stretch stg#that and those mountain dew fruit flavored energy drinks#ofc my dad was asking if i wanted to get a job over break#like i would consider it but my break is 2.5 weeks long#yes the theater would probably take me back but it took me like a week and a half to start bc paperwork#haha im to busy to be unmotivated but too stressed to get to work#just looking at differential equations is making my head spin much less SOLVING them#why did my school decide that five days (counting the weekend) was enough for thanksgiving break#my elementary school siblings had more time off than i did ffs#how much longer can i tell myself just x more days#how much longer till i just...lose it#wrote myself a long ass to do list for now till break then had to take a several hour long break to calm dowb#and now im more stressed bc im more behind and fml#im too stupid for engineering#still holding myself to my high school standards which are just impossible to reach in uni#like when im doing high school shit i barely studied and always got above an 80#now im just...average#like literally half my grades are at the class average#feels like im fighting tooth and nail for C's but oh well that's just mechanical engineering ig#it's just months of “just gotta get through this exam” over and over till a two week break then it's time to do it all over again
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
love my digital art class but god it is filling me with rage and hatred for adobe.
#my post#i hope im able to use my tablet in classes when i transfer#bc good lord. this shit is impossible#i would be done with this project already .. but im not even halfway through.#its due on friday too and i cant get adobe illustrator on my laptop and work on it outside class bc adobe wont fucking COOPERATE WITH ME.#its trying to make me pay. girl the school is already paying for it for me what the hell are you talking about. let me in#i should talk to the professor..oogh but theres so much other stuff i havent done for either of the classes i have with this professor#bc of that unnecessarily long quarantine i had to do right at the beginning of the semester putting me behind#and i would feel bad abt asking for an extension for whats basically the only assignment ive actually done for both of their classes#i would feel less bad i think if i had accommodations for this kinda stuff. but i never actually went to get any and now it wouldnt be worth#it bc im not gonna be at this school next semester. and i only have these two classes that i have anything to do for#oh right this post is abt adobe#.. i dont think id be able to fully finish this assignment on time even with an extension#bc adobe illustator. like i said. is filling me with rage#it is so tedious and finicky and unnecessarily complicated and doesnt have the tools i like and i cant find a fill tool or how to make the#eraser smaller and im using a fucking. mouse. a mouse that i cant right click with btw bc we're using apple computers and the mice are lite#rally just one button.#i love this professor and i enjoy the projects but good GOD. i hate the tools so much#maybe ill ask them for an extension and if i could do it. not on adobe
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
local teenager who used to get praised for having a high processing speed studies for test; is shocked to get a good grade
#personal#i am that kid who opens the book once the day before the test reads through it and gets a decent grade.#...when i open the book#also helped that it was art history and i do genuinely think art history is interesting#we work with a 1 - 10 grading scale here right#my art grades before this. all between a 3 & a 4.5#i studied. for a redo. 8.2.#now if i can manage to FINISH THE HOMEWORK I SHOULDVE FINISHED 2 MONTHS AGO#i might actually finish high school :3#this doesnt go for economics im still horrendous at math but im allowed 2 subjects to kinda suck at so#its gonna be economics & either french or geography. btw#my english grade will keep the complete average from dropping too low (thank you 12 year old fanfic writer me)#& i just have to score well enough on art & history with the exams. and french or geography.#history is just slightly above sufficient and art is still slightly below...#hmmmmmmm
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
overwhelming exhaustion until im on the verge of despair
manager meeting in 40 mins and i still have to do my notes
#speculation nation#ive pulled out the rest of my monster from the other day bc idk how i could. get through this otherwise.#need to do my notes need to actually prepare something that makes me . worthy of my position I Guess#need to review more candidates bc one of the new hires has quit after just one day citing she wont have enough time after all bc school#and it's like why even APPLY to jobs if youre going to back out after one shift???? that has to be a fucking excuse#and i volunteered to do the goddamn tip distribution again#though i dont think im gonna b able to do the schedule too. i'll lose my fucking mind.#today was day 6 of my 9 day work week where i have worked 5+ hours Every Day. 6 or 7 for most.#almost 7 hours today and then the hour meeting and tomorrow for another 6.5 hr AND whatever i end up doing for the tips#and then another 6.5 hr and then ANOTHER. 6 hour tho not 6.5#keeping. it together. i am reviewing an applicant and maybe i can interview him sometime soon. maybe#me taking a step towards hiring another person will help with. stuff. yeah.#look at me i am so totally okay and not going to lose my goddamn mind /lying#negative/#lmfao
1 note
·
View note
Text
yay my first day went really well!!
#the bin#im excited. i like it much more than my old job already. much less boring. theres much less people working and its in a small space but#i like that. feels more friendly and makes me less nervous. and me being super tiny works bc im much less in the way than i could be#person i met definitely thought i was still a minor cause she asked if i was in school still. everyone thinks this#probably a lil different bc im gonna be working here full time during school hours.#im wearing my hair up in a bun. i never do that!! but my hair is too long so i gotta wear it up so i dont dip it in peoples coffee#i think im gonna start wearing it up like this more often bc its so out of the way! my autism loves it bc its not pulling weird with weight#my hsir is long enough that getting it in the bun isnt too hard but not so long that the bun is huge#im like.. actually looking forward to tomorrow#not at all like my last job also. theres like 3 people MAYBE 4 on shift at a time unlike my last job which would have 30 ppl#well. i made coffee today. it was kinda fun. i also burned my fingers on the steamer so many times oh my god#i enjoyed this way more than my first day at my last job. also this was my FIRST day and i already made a bunch of coffee#at my last job i spent 3 days just watching videos and reading. bad. bad way to start#i dont even know anything yet and ur throing me into walls of text. much prefer this#i do wish he woulda walked me through making the different coffees a bit more instead of quizzing me and having me check the sheet#but it was busy so it makes sense. once there was a lul there was another person who was super nice and walked me through stuff#and i remember that stuff better. i think ill like tnis so much more than my old job. lik3 so much more.#also maybe ill try some new kinds of coffee. like a latte. ive never even had one but ive made 12 today#also its not starbucks. i would rather die than work at starbucks it seems like a nightmare
0 notes
Text
the trials and tribulations between choosing whether ur gonna be an athlete or an artist
#my mom genuinely thought i was gonna go to college to be an audio engineer and a music producer#considering ive yknow#been self producing music and playing instruments since for fucking ever + my background in musical theatre/acting and competitive dancing#my father was convinced i was going to go to college because i would have made their hockey team which. i can technically still do because#im not bad at hockey i just undersell myself. like im defff good enough to make a junior A team at LEAST#now my issue is#im in college (for an athletic directed course har har) except im still on my music shit#i just DONT KNOW#ive never known#my main dillemma all through high school and even now is#which one am i gonna dedicate myself too#bc ive got the connections to make a cute lil thing outta the music gig and well. ive got the expirience to make the athletics thing work 2#im jusT SO ugh#arts or athletics#both? both is good? except doing both leaves me to be a jack of all trades master of none.#when if i pick one to hone in on HARD id master it in due time quite fast#like if i took the year and dedicated ALL of my time to athletics.... god knows id be. probably at my peak... but if i put my time in music#id definitely have like an album finished by this time next year to knock something off my bucket list#anyways#just jade
0 notes
Text
maybe when im skinny ill somehow magically have friends somehow. idk how me having friends would change the fact i dont know or meet people but i bet it will fix all my problems
#idk. ive been told be people im attractive idk why. i think i look disgusting :/ but when im really skinny maybe people will think im#pretty enough to talk to and i can make friends that way. idk. im not sure where id even meet people. hmmm. well id be willing to do some#bad ideas if it meant i had people to talk to. tbh im just thinking i wanna meet ANYONE and maybe even if i dont like them i can meet other#people through them and it will work out. idk. i wish i were closer to drinking age so i could go to bars and maybe meet people there#idk. id just like to meet people somehow. im so lonely. i never got to meet people in school bc ive literally never been to school :/#im one if 6 kids and im the only one who never got put in school. by the time my parents started homeschooling i was too young to have#gone to school yet and by the time my mom finally realized it was a mistake i was too old. i was 17 by the time my younger siblings were#put in school and it was too late for me. it feels bad that im leaving my childhood behind before im even 18. my older siblings spent years#still essentially being kids before they moved out and my one sister is gonna move back in soon. they had it rough too but i just wish i#couldve spent awhile still being a kid. i didnt get to spend any of my teenage years being a kid and ill be 18 in june#:( i miss having friends. my sister is great and all but its just different. i hope i can meet people somehow but i juat dont know#it makes me so sad tho think about how i lost all my friends when i was 10 and the only one ive made since has been my older sister#im just so lonely. everything sucks. maybe ill do that dangerous bad idea that might result in me meeting people even uf they suck#maybe not. i think maybe i dont wanna but i might be desperate enough.
0 notes
Text
GOD i wish my psychiatrist would put me on antipsychotics again i miss good sleep and not whatever the fuck im feeling rn
#i say whatever the fuck because everything i am feeling rn would trigger many people if i described it#they should shoot me with a blowdart from 50 feet away thats filled with the most numbing thing known to man#i wish i could call out of work tomorrow i just wanna stay in bed#genuinely wondering how im gonna get through the work day tomorrow especially since i have to do extra bullshit#theyre making me cup everything in the hot bar and wing bar at 2:00 PM and then remake everything at 4:00#and then i get to cup up everything again at 6:00! its to minimize waste but the bosses are too fucking stupid to realize thats gonna double#and i worked my ass off til 11:00 PM cleaning for the audits and we passed for the first time and the managers didnt say shit to me#they gave all the praise to one of the coworkers but not me the person who did equally as much work#and now im dealing with 94739028392 traumatic memories and workplace drama and this household and school#and the alter without a name (not NoName) wants to let the impulsive thoughts win and i cant allow that to happen
1 note
·
View note
Last Seen Blogs
vgreen24
dreamer💫 child of the stars
♉️♋️♐️
sileagva
Şile Ağva Otelleri Pansiyonları Otel Fiyatları
skei-seems
skei seems
siddharthmalhotra1-blog
Untitled
aaj-media-productions
Untitled