#im a paranoid person and all ive been thinking about recently is how little i want my works to be viewed as the 'correct' interpretation
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I got harassed because of you. Because you declared anyone who doesn't headcanon the Knight as a child to be sus. So thanks. Hate how you seem to be the "headcanon/lore expert" these days, to the point where no on else is allowed to headcanon differently from you. All the hk antis seem to cite you as their "reliable" source always, even outside of tumblr.
i. turned on anon yesterday. What. how did you find me this quickly already.
Anyways, another announcement just to make this potently clear to anyone stupid enough to treat a tired college student with a neurodevelopmental disorder as some sort of pariah of headcanon/lore expertise: i said that headcanoning the knight as an adult was 'sus' in a half-hearted jokey manner right before i went to sleep late at night based on bad porn takes that i came across while scrolling twitter and nothing else. Then when my friends were like 'uh wait no more interpretations exist' i went 'oh shit my bad, i still dont like it bc of personal tastes tho so please dont flood my inbox about it again, but its fine'. I don't even believe in anti rhetoric either, I'm constantly reblogging why they're fucked up and their harassment campaigns are wrong and dangerous, so idfk why they'd consider me as a reliable resource
Also, why the fuck would anyone take me as the lore/headcanon god?? Nothing about what I do is special. I don't even care that much about my own headcanons, almost all of what I find fun about the fandom is comparing and contrasting my headcanons to those of other people's because I love seeing what they get up to. As for canon, literally everything I loredig about is in the game already, I'm just rambling about it through my own perspective as someone who likes to do media analysis. Nothing about what I do is special or should be treated as such, and I always talked about my hcs/interpretations as someone who assumed that people knew they were just that: ramblings and nothing more. I love different hcs, I just sometimes don't click with others because of my own weird squicks and triggers
Also also: I don't post my headcanons outside of tumblr and what I write on my ao3 in my fics, so idk how you want me to somehow control the rabid freaks on other websites. I'm not doing this to be an influencer, gain popularity, or broadcast some superiority complex. In fact, I've actively spent the entire duration I'm in this fandom worrying about bothering people with my hcs/ramblings, but posting them anyways because if I don't talk about it then it makes me want to chew my own leg off. The main reason I've not been talking about it on my tumblr and have only been passively rbing hk stuff recently is specifically because I'm trying to avoid causing that sort of damage again after this whole disaster
#im not some sort of 'lore god'. im just some guy who posts about bugs in his free time because hes autistic#hollow knight#i just turned on anon bc i wanted to hear people rambling about hk ideas in my inbox again ;-;#anyways the only reason im maintagging this is bc its no shit been haunting me day in and day out#im a paranoid person and all ive been thinking about recently is how little i want my works to be viewed as the 'correct' interpretation#to the point where ive honestly considered abandoning this blog and starting from scratch just so that i can get rid of that title#anon#reply
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bosselot ranting and raving which genuinely makes no sense and isn't worth reading ↓
something something big boss becoming a lone, paranoid figure who trusts no one because of his series of betrayals i.e. the boss' "defection", les enfants terribles, the boss' (perceived) abandonment of him in her desire for peace, kaz's involvement with cipher etc. something something when you trust no one but yourself maybe you Would have quite a fascination with someone who is your phantom/copy/double/clone/you. unlike les enfants terribles venom is the kind of "clone" that bb can forge a twisted affection for, due to his absolute loyalty and due to his being, well, him. am i about to start "shipping bbvenom" well not really i'm just pondering big boss and also, as usual, pondering my favourite phenomenon of People Who Are Identical But Not Quite. im big boss and so are you. im maria s/ilent hill and so are you. im solid and im liquid we're the stupid brothers. etc
also. sigh. basically im attempting to write a fic (who knows if it will ever see the light of day) where ocelot gives himself big boss' scar. just for fun/because he's insane. 1964: i wanted to eat the same food as him -> 1973ish: i wanted to permanently mark myself with the same scar he gave himself which also happens to be my mother's scar from birthing me etc. #justocelotthings. and big boss goes through 10000 shrimp colour stages of anger/grief/fascination/horny/acceptance in reaction to it.
and i was thinking about post pw incident where bb is beginning his shift into a much darker, closed off figure and he's full of bitterness in the wake of all his chucking-her-bandana-into-the-ocean The Boss Feelings and also his divorce with kaz. and how maybe his feelings towards ocelot (which are as insane as they've ever been due to the recent development of The Scar) are also shifting a little. up until now he's accepted ocelots promises of devotion and loyalty and he's reciprocated ocelot's affection because he does genuinely Like Him Despite Everything and they have had their weird little Thing going on for many years. but now it's like. concepts such as loyalty to the end and unconditional devotion are beginning to lose their credibility; bb questions whether even ocelot might not be his ally forever. and does BB even Want ocelot's loyalty? he's a useful person but BB never ASKED for ocelots loyalty. loyalty, devotion, subservience - these are hollow promises. he likes ocelot when he's a real human and not a soldier. he likes ocelot as his equal. one might even go as far as to say - he likes ocelot best as an extension of himself. he likes ocelot as his mirror. "you're not a snake and im not an ocelot?" wrong. we're both snakes. as you said yourself, ocelot, in a nice little scene in approximately chapter 2 (doesn't exist), now that you've given yourself that scar, "we match". we're nothing but a pair of snakes. we're red string of fate tied to each other more than ever. we're the sons of the boss; we're twin snakes. we're metal gear solid: the twin snakes 2004 developed by konami and silicon knights for the nintendo gamecube. but we're not just two snakes, we're an ourobouros. i don't just want you to pledge your loyalty to "big boss", i want you to be big boss. i want to you to live my dream, not just be an ally to it.
in actual fact maybe he is just in love with ocelot (squee!) but this is big boss we're talking about so. he is literally a weapon he is war itself he's the war machine he's a soulless dead fish of a man. and either destroying or assimilating everything in his path forever is kind of his whole theme. and ocelot as a literal child of the battlefield will never escape it either. so they both just blow up and go to hell forever.
OR DO THEY. maybe bb is actually like wow everyone is betraying me the boss has abandoned me and ive abandoned her except never entirely even if i did throw her bandana into the sea in a moment of rage ive still got this scar on my chest. and so does ocelot because he's insane about me hm to be honest maybe i should just Give Up War and we can both retire and live on a ranch together forever the end.maybe that's actually what happens. life could be dream.
also please god let me find a job soon ive been unemployed for 7 months this is what happens when i don't have a job it gives me the time to think about bosselot until my brain melts and oozes and i start writing very long incomprehensible posts on my art blog at 3pm which does nobody any good. sigh
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yknow ive been thinking again lately about how i would like to see more realism in batman content, both canon and fandom, but not the Dark And Gritty kind. the kind thats like.
yes actually he is highly emotionally intelligent and does understand himself quite well and has just accepted that he is A Freak and decided to roll with it rather than being so horrifically emotionally repressed that he can barely even acknowledge that what hes doing is based in trauma. hes been in therapy since he was like 9 years old. he studies human psychology extensively both for himself and so he has better odds of predicting whats gonna go wrong and how when hes up against a rogue or negotiating a hostage situation or whatever. he meditates for two hours a day and is fully capable of keeping a healthy handle on his anger 98% of the time. he's nice to people and fun to be around and sincerely caring. if he were just Always Right but super isolated and reactive and cruel and controlling everyone would fucking hate him and no it wouldnt be enough to sustain his crimefighting activities, thats a stupid lone wolf fuckboy fantasy
he has a strict 9pm bedtime that he only breaks for mandatory WE/brucie activities or emergencies. if theres a gala where he needs to rub shoulders with ppl to gather intel or keep his company running he'll do it but hes Not Happy about being out until midnight and cuts out early as often as possible, and when hes chasing the joker around until 3am hes lamenting his poor sweet circadian rhythm that did nothing wrong ever in its life the whole time. when hes batmanning hes expending a fuckton of energy and he needs to make it up and have a well-established routine to counteract the punishment hes putting his body through. on a similar note, this man is building braces and compression into his suit and doing extensive physical therapy exercises every day of his life bc he wants to have helpful little things like "knees" and "shoulders" by the time hes 40, and hes probably eating a small farms worth of assorted leafy greens and several chickens per day
he is simply Never drunk and he doesnt actually have that much sex. hes really really good at faking a) being drunk and b) getting a high priority phone call from lucius the minute someone hes making out with starts trying to get his shirt off. he also does a lot of "hey look i gotta get out of here with my reputation intact, can we help each other out and pretend we're gonna go fuck?" kind of negotiating with ppl (see: his 9pm bedtime, plus sometimes hes gotta slip away from an event to be sneaky), which is how a lot of the more wild stories about him start circulating lol. this is a man who's regularly getting gassed/injected/etc with highly experimental substances created by maniacs trying to torment or kill him, he does NOT want substances like drugs or alcohol in his body that could potentially interact with them, and the last thing he needs is to be dealing with a pregnancy or sti scare. plus if he can play it safe with someone and have them think of him as a nice and trustworthy dude who just has a bonkers reputation, all the better for his batman activities!
idk i just feel like theres unexplored potential in a lot of that stuff bc so much of recent batman mythos is like HES SO HARDCORE AND CAN DO ANYTHING AND HES ALWAYS RIGHT CAUSE HES SO PARANOID AND DISRESPECTFUL OF PPL AND THEIR BOUNDARIES BUT ITS OKAY BC ITS IN THE NAME OF BEING RIGHT and im like. okay. gotta admit that i dont rly find that believable or in line with my values. can we talk about WE's sweet sweet employee benefits package and bruce designing his suit to take most of the impact off his knees when he jumps off a roof. members of the jl discovering that he gives shockingly balanced and insightful advice about their mundane personal problems. bruce printing his own batsymbol envelopes to leave people cash after he misaims his grappling hook and breaks their window. things of that nature.
#sage talks#im just goofing around with personal hcs in this post but also#if we could bring him back into the realm of believable humanity again i rly would love it lol
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Hi!! I dont know where else to go but im suspecting i may be on the schizo spectrum? Or at least just wondering way too hard. And i have no where to look into more trustworthy specifics besides brief nformation about the common disorders (that i dont really think i fit into at all btw but then again im undiagnosed with everything so im forced to rawdog it and come to conclusions on my own) and no where to find information about specific symptoms that can be overlooked as "normal behavior"
I have psychosis and its been like this since 2018, slowly growing, getting more intense i guess especially during a traumatic event that happened a few years ago *really* increased my delusions. Thats the only primary thing i experience i believe, but now looking back i am unsure if i experience some level of hallucinations as well like thinking im seeing flies n such fly around me trying to bother me or bugs crawling near me in the corner of my eye. Though it may be because im sleepy or something as i like to stay up a lot! And maybe because ive dealt with annoying flies one too many times that im just paranoid abt dealing w them now.
this thought has been on my mind for a while (mainly speaking in terms of hallucinations) but recently i saw a post on twitter about someone asking if other people "have intense fear of monsters or the dark" before going into deph about how her brain is constantly afraid of her life will turn into a horror movie. Like "what if a zombie breaks into my house" and her brain imagining scary scenarios that genuinely terrify her when she does anything. And reading that sounds very familar to something ive experienced even to this day, esp if im alone at night or alone n looking into another room thats dimly lit.
I really do understand her fear of closing her eyes n seeing scary scenarios. Ive noticed ive weirdly been seeing stuff too, mainly faces and eyes that i would see when watching analog horror and it *really* terrifies me and makes me think that ive somehow spawned it in real life (esp if i think about it too much)
Sorry if this is too long. I normally do this when im rly stumped abt whatever brain thing i got n no google search can help me. I guess im just lookimg for some insight. Thanks! <3
"Also forgot to clarify that the person is recently discovering/coming to terms with that shes schizospec too so thats why upon reading that im pretty much going "....huh!" Bec this implies this may not be normal (i mean of course not but. Never really bothered to say or think anything about it until now)"
Hi there anon! I'm glad you're reaching out, and I hope I can help you a little on your way!
What you're describing, intense fear of hypothetical scenarios and "closed eye hallucinations" are both things that I can definitely relate to as constants in my life. I don't have enough information from just this ask to say whether your experiences are full blown delusional/psychotic, but regardless, it sounds like it's taking a toll on you, and have been getting worse. It's common for this type of experience to worsen with stress, so it's no wonder it worsened when you were going through something traumatic.
When I first talked to a psychiatrist about some of my beliefs, they wrote something that I later found kind of interesting, that some of my beliefs were like those of a scared child. As if I had never quite learned how to regulate that type of fear and my imagination would get the better of me. I don't know if your experience is anything like that, but from the way you described it, I thought that might be relatable to you.
The line between fear, anxiety and psychosis can be hard to define. One thing I've learned is that most people with "pure anxiety" are not having anxiety about bizarre or paranoid things, but about more mundane matters that have been blown out of proportion. But obviously there's variability. But I remember when I met my partner of now... 9 years ...? I wasn't diagnosed with anything yet, and we were both like "yeah I have anxiety" and thought we knew what the other meant by that. And then they were confused when I was like "yeah I'm anxious that the spirit of the lamp will steal my soul, and that people are putting poisoned coins in public spaces". But like the anxiety was similar, it's just that the things I was anxious about were odd, I guess.
Anyways, I'm rambling, sorry!
About the images you get when you close your eyes, that is most often described as a type of intrusive thought, and I've also heard people call them "closed eye hallucinations". I get icky and scary images like this sometimes, and it can be really distressing.
I hope your symptoms don't get worse, and I hope you can feel at ease knowing that no matter the exact cause or name, you are definitely not alone with having these experiences, and they are common experiences for people on the schizospec and people with some other related difficulties.
And if you find that you relate to the schizospec experience, there's space enough for everyone, and you are welcome here. Even if you don't fit any specific disorders or you conclude that your symptoms are "sub-clinical" or more related to something else, I believe in an open door policy and I think anyone with this type of experience can benefit from spending time in/with the community, and can bring unique insights to the table themselves.
I don't know if I'm making any sense, I'm super tired today, but yeah that's my two cents I guess ^^
Edit: It might give you some insight to look into other symptoms associated with the schizo-spec, like negative symptoms, cognitive symptoms and ipseity disturbances :) I think that will give you a stronger idea of whether you are likely to relate to most of us 🌼
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“Chicken and croffles” I had flashbacks at that man. There’s this person I watch and they were telling their story of trying to rizz someone through food, and by rizz I mean they tried to impress an attractive waiter, but fumbled a bit and ordered chicken and waffles. He got so nervous they ordered the first thing he saw, which was chicken and waffles. How attractive was this waiter? So attractive that his friends literally had to warn them and also tried to clean him up a bit to look more presentable LMAO
Really liked this chapter!!! Love the sceneries and how Miles and “Ray Paynt” interacted!!!! Something about how you write feels real, like even in the little things with Miles’ “It’s a choice.” And when dragging him along to the cafe at an unexpected notice. Stop writing food so deliciously it’s nearly 8am for me and I’m wanting some nice fruit-ade or something!!! 😭/pos
From one Michael to another, MICHAEL STAHP WITH THE TOUCHING YOU’RE GONNA GET YOUR WILLYIAM CHOPPED OFF FR
omfg i felt that fr im not even kidding. what i would give to be on the receiving end of that starstruckness.... okay in all honesty I'd probably be that very dude dropping my utensils.
WAIT OKAY STORY TIME BECAUSE IVE GOT ONE OF MY OWN:
So i recently went to korea in june and i went with 2 other friends who went to queue up at the NIKE store in the morning for their customization stuff right? So I wake up later and i go grab a coffee first at this store my friend recommended because it's cheap + rly good.
As such, I casually stroll along the street with my earbuds in bc im cool and swag and feeling myself right? I finally find this coffee shop and step up to the counter to order, except what do i see?
A GORGEOUS, STUNNING GIRL MANNING THE CASHIER.
At this point i am in full blown panic. I have never met anyone so pretty in my life. Her hair was silky smooth and dyed a light platinum-ish shade, and her makeup was flawless. her skin? dewy like a morning glory in bloom. Her entire figure and being? goddesslike.
at this point i am sweating buckets just from the thought of talking to her. but it's fine, right? its just a cup of coffee. i can do this.
i then proceed to ABSOLUTELY FUMBLE MY WORDS.
I just wanted this pretty drink called a franobe guys. thats all i wanted. but i got so shy and she couldnt hear me saying franobe so she kept going 'ah, latte?' and guys. i almost died on the spot.
I repeated it like 2x before she got what i was trying to say. Quick PSA that i am not fluent in korean at all, and understand more than i can speak. she asks me something in korean and i just go 'ne?' with wideass eyes like id just seen my newborn child or some shit.
anyway i finally manage to pay and get my drink and i walk away with my head practically in my hands. up till this day i am paranoid she thinks im an idiot. this is my chicken and croffles story for all you guys out there.
also im straight but this is one of the rare exceptions i lost my composure fr. what can i say? im w e ak.
im really glad you liked this chapter !! if it's one trait i could've given my characters or reader oc its the endless funds to go cafe hopping. cafe hopping is so, so fun, but so, so expensive like goddamn let me live my main character life in peace fr....
it's euphoric to hear that you liked the little moments !! i enjoyed thinking through those and just going like ah yes, he would say this! i really love writing or thinking about the small moments that lead up to the big picture. (also @buthowboutno-spamming gave me such great advice regarding this, and i wouldnt have been able to flesh out my fic and vision if not for his advice)
michael deserves to get his dick chopped off fr. but it's okay!! I plan for all my characters to go through developmental arcs lmfao, ive gotten too attached to the two idiots to let go of their potential now :)
Go get some fruit-ade or make some yourself bro it's super easy super good. lmk if you want a recipe and im more than happy to provide~
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ive said it lots before but i feel its good to talk about on my little blog but its just so weird to me how badly antipsychotics affected me and how long it lasted even after i quit them. on one hand i thought "well i can try it and if i dont like it i can quit and go back to how i was" but i didnt know it would take almost a year to be myself again, and not just in the terms of being insane. i felt like i lost my passion, drawing had little interest in me and it was so hard to draw, i struggled to get out doodles, so much of my sketchbook is half of a simplified face or just odd proportions or weird lines. like back until november 2022 and prior i felt top of my game, i was filling sketchbooks and happy with almost all my drawings and i feel i was as skilled as i needed/ wanted to be, but it was a hard downhill and im still working on getting to that level again. but moreso i lost my passion for everything else too, like i felt detached from my special interests, i hardly played any video games too.
like sure i wasnt paranoid or filled with dread every time it was silent or i was alone for more than 30 seconds and i wasnt hallucinating and my nightmares and insomnia calmed down and i wasnt having panic attacks every day and wasnt constantly angry, but what did it matter if i felt detached from it all. i always thought i didnt want to live like that but i didnt know what it was like to live without it and its weird and i hated it. i remember the exact moment too when it hit too. i think i was just changing my clothes and suddenly this clarity washed over me, and it was so weird and confusing. one way ive always somewhat described my schizophrenia was this feeling, like another me inside of me, right in my spine and the base of my head, right behind me and always there, and i could never figure out the emotion that came from her (not sure why but i/ we used she/ it for her) but it felt something akin to malicious, like in a way it hated me in a way and wanted to be the front center one, like sometimes i could feel it dragging at me like it would win. and so recently a lot of my symptoms have returned but that one still isnt back yet but since ive been slowly regaining my other symptoms im sure itll follow suit. and so this last year ive been in this panic over this, since that was always a part of me as long as i can remember, this other me. and to have that ripped away i feel like an empty person. she was literally half of me and its lonely now. like i know this is a silly way to say it and i sound like a cartoon character, but its kinda quiet up there. but i hate it. so ive spent this last year feeling like my identitiy as a person was just washed away and suddenly i was a new person in a way, and just being so scared ill never be who i was again. i even spent a good chunk of time trying to trigger psychotic episodes but to no avail. all that to say is, im almost myself again and i dont feel so miserible being different now that im getting back to how i was, and im not worried this other half wont return since now i know it will
#i never talked about the spine thing/ other me until a few years ago#when another schizophrenic person on here described the sensation down to a t the way i do and we talked about it#and ive explained it to my schizophrenic friend and she had the same thing and it was so nice#cause i always thought there was something in me unlike anyone else. but its for lots of us and that was so reassurring#and comforting and made me feel less like a freak#anywho. only place i have to talk about being psychotic is my shadow blog lol#ive had a few episodes the last like 2ish months and other odd moments so 👍
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tbh I'm always interested in whatever headcanons you have for anything ever because they're always pretty interesting, anything in particular you want to bring up? Go for it!
thats really kind of you to say 🥺 thank u izzy....
ive been thinking about the Blue Thing 🔵 recently...funneled some of my energy into doodles so i could try to refine what i want to talk about uwa
im actually not sure how much of his deal is possible to gleam from just me being strange the past couple of weeks but for awesome primer bc i love talking about things. sugary spire is a swap au and upcoming fangame for pizza tower starring pizzelle, a nervous, married, and transgender pastry chef at the end of her rope, and "the" pizzano, a baking show host and tv network owner/personality who
uh
well i think this^ is a good enough explanation.
there is no way this man isnt autistic. anyways i like to think he stims by biting his hand like normal peppino does in his idles, but a lot of actual damage is held back by the fact that he wears his gloves all the time. theyre probably made out of some kind of rubbery material (at least on the outside), either purposefully or coincidentally nice to chew. he mostly does this when hes alone or at least off camera; its a whole "image" thing that honestly irritates him.
same with singing! singing is one of his big passions in my eyes (if we get to treat the weird website song hunt arg as canon, i would like to use that as proof that he loves music; enough to get fiercely paranoid about it, even), which fits bc i like. absorbed the headcanon that peppino has a special interest in dance music/mostly eurodance specifically and loves dancing (hence his schmoovement). pizzano has strong opera pipes and loves to sing while he works but he has the lungpower of a boeing plane engine and the projection ability of a car alarm and hence doesnt get to hit his full stride on the air often. he wants to get involved with opera production but they probably think hes too silly or bad for the image. sadge .(
i think ive said a little bit on the subject of pizzanos Accoutrements in the past. i dont think he takes them off. its beneficial for the network presence! its marketable! it covers up very vulnerable and/or identifiable parts of him. despite The Fire being completely nuked from canon i still hc him as going through some kind of fucked up physical trauma event (i still say a fire, just not that one, dont really have a specific idea) so hes got prominent scarring on his face and hands. even besides the Unspecified Cluster B Paranoia he doesnt like the idea of anyone catching his scars on camera. sometimes hell just hole himself up in his room for days because hes freaked out.
he cries easy and switches moods on a dime and is generally kind of someone that should have more concern thrown his way but most of this is covered up by the fact that hes relatively expected to be Wacky and Violent and Loves Incendiary Weaponry!! hes 100% unmedicated because he doesnt like the way any of his pills have tasted for the things hes bothered to get diagnosed (ptsd, adhd) and is a little freaked out of doctors outside of like, first aid medics
thank you for letting me talk about my guy 🥺
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gonna be gross about luxu and the fortellers and talk about silent hill for a bit 0:)
tw for dubcon , tw for violence and sexual content below
also if u want a sfw version with just monster designs/ silent hill talk HMU
This was posted before I finished it (oops) so it's nonsensical and incomplete
Will sort it tomorrow
ok so like
they wouldn't call the foretellers names of the 7 deadly sins if they werent going to do something fucked up with it in the end right??? yall know me im a suck for some body horror, alt forms of chars etc. i know kh is a disney property ,so theres a limit to what they can show a pg audience.
So maybe give konami a turn??? There's so much insane shit in kingdom hearts and so many now traumatized characters it's practically crying out for a silent hill crossover!
I'm in a forteller mood so let's look at thems first
if i were in charge id have snake monster Invi, 4 armed wrath demon Ira, giant Black bear skin wearing Aced and Gula who eats and eats but is never more than a horrible rake like wraith.
and foxtail ava of course
im leaving luxu off the list because what is a lust monster? little bastard is that already
but more than all this, ive been in a silent hill mood recently ( trying to play it on ps4 but the only version is on freaking ps now and im not paying monthly for a game i already own) so because of that im thinking what if luxu was in silent hill? what would he see them as? people who go from human to monsters the longer hes there? Maybe just normal people who look like monsters to him as Eddie suggests in silent hill 2? There's a nice little bit of sanity questioning in that idea. What about becoming more uncanny the longer luxu looks at them? what would they do to him? would they see him as a person? treat him accordingly? or would they see him as a sin based monster, just like they are?
New game Kingdom of Silence, Luxu is the player character
also bc im in some kinda shipping mood i wana know how these monsters would fuck.
Invi
Invi is going first because she's the hardest to think of ideas for me. I've never been REALLY jealous of someone so I don't really know how it feels. To me, she gets more and more insufferable the longer she's there, refuses to leave luxu alone with the others because she wants to monopolize his time. She becomes more controlling and paranoid as the days wittle on. when shes around, the other world is filled with vines and barbed wire that blocks Luxu's path. he can hardly move for the stuff, it grows back right after he cuts it and seems to just get thicker and thicker every time he blinks. her otherworld is like a maze and shes determined to make luxu dependent on her to get through it. at the center invi is no longer human; jealousy has driven her mad and twisted her into something resembling a Lamia crossed with a dyrad. So controlling shes practically merged with her surroundings. With all the plant material she's practically green (with envy badumtss) If she was a game i think she'd be like Sepulchre from silent hill 4. she needs to be cut away from the vines that hold her and dropped into a pit to put her out of her misery
how does monster invi fuck? : well like a snake oddly enough. she twists herself around luxu until his ribs start to crack under the pressure. She wants his focus on her and her alone. i wouldnt be surpised if she could pull some sort of mind bending tricks like Kaa from jungle book; make luxu blind to all the danger aound him, put him in his happy place so he doesnt realise hes surrounded by monsters or that invi isnt human anymore. Hypnosis kink folks come get ya juice. I was going to give her 2 dicks or something but i think two tongues might be more interesting and not as over played. i mentioned she looks like a lamia but dont think that means shes got an entirely human face. shes all eyes and teeth and a mouth that has more than one way of opening, maybe something like mileena with the teeth. I can see why shes jealous of everyone and everything, i wouldnt like to look like that either.
the more im writing the more i think i might just draw these guys after the con on Saturday
Ira
silent hill is already a grotesquely violent place but something else seems to be eating at human ira. hes hearing voices whisper to him, sounds coming from behind walls that no one else seems to hear. hes usually slow to anger but now hes lashing out at everything, blaming luxu for all of it. Luxu really doesnt see it coming the first time Ira hits him, but it's certainly not the last.
iras otherworld seems to be out for luxu's fucking blood. everything is trying to hurt him, from the toxic plants, to the boiling water and every monster that seems to have a ping on his exact location. not to mention monster Ira. Strangly for the embodyment of wrath, hes sitting quite calmly in the middle of the street looking horrific. if i had to describe my mental image it would be akin to Goro from motal combat meets Resident evils crimson heads/lickers. Ira's helmet/mask has fused to his face, welded to his skin that's chapped and red raw around the edges. bone sticks from all angles of his body like armour. Around him are Plies of rotting corpses in various degrees of mutilation : luxu can't tell if they were human or monster. Now alone and with no one else to take it out on he seems to have turned his volence on himself, pulling chunks of skin from muscle until he's practically flayed himself alive. whether or not this monster can actually feel pain is anyones guess. in game i think he'd be too big to fight directly. You would need to trick him into one of the dangerous environment settings like the boiling lake Toluca or into the gas station before setting it alight.
How does monster Ira fuck? its less fucking and more slow murder with a lot of hip thrusting. Size difference galore in this fucked up pairing folks. think of that blood scene from AHS: Hotel except ira is now 3 times the size and has twice as many arms as normal. i think its less he wants to fuck the lust monster and more he wants to fuck him up. I'm sure I could sit here and wax lyrical about the relationship between sex, violence and death but it is 1130pm at time of writing and I'm tired. its a good thing you cant really die in silent hill ( well relativly speaking) because luxu would have been snu-snu'd to death several times over where Ira is concerned.
Aced
So aced was another difficult one because how exactly does your sloth affect others in the immediate. Since the word his name comes from in Latin means "without care" I'm choosing to interpret him as becoming completely apathetic towards luxu. He doesn't care he's in silent hill, he doesn't care the others are monsters and he certainly doesn't care to help luxu if he's hurt or being attacked. He just gets worse and worse until he doesn't even care to move, sitting down and becoming some hibernating bear.
Aced's otherworld is filled with goo and sludge, something like pure tar that slows luxu's movements to a crawl, makes running impossible. This isn't only dangerous because luxu can't escape from incoming monsters, but also because every movement requires so much effort that it's almost easier to just lay down and let the goo consume you. His powers remind me of the apathy Grimm from rwby. Fighting him would probably be a timed fight in game. I can see the environment changing like goo flooding into the room to slow you and eventually drown you. Aced himself is now almost a statue barely able to move. He's not as horrifc to look at as the others but the paniked way his eyes follow luxu is saying something disturbing. Monster boss Aced won't lift a finger to attack you, he's more of an environment obstacle boss and is non hostile. But also will he not lift a finger to help: he won't stand off the drain to save both himself and luxu from drowning and he won't use his size or strength to help luxu navigate the room faster. His apathy is essentially dooming them both.
How does monster aced fuck? Assuming he can, maybe in some Inbetween stage before losing all humanity, he seems like the kind of creature to get the other person to do all the work.perhals he employs an aphrodisiac, since sloth is failing to take action it could be a diddling while Rome burns sort of thing.i think he lies there and they bounce on his lap, he falls asleep as soon as he's done, fails to take action for his partner. Or on the flip side, maybe he's into sleep sex, drowsy half awake fucking, luxu's not quite sure if he's dreaming or not.
Gula
So I came up with a design for gula first but everything else after. Gula in silent hill is super selfish. He won't share information, supplies or even safe space with the others. He eventually resorts to stealing things from Luxu like the keys he needs to traverse silent hills many locked doors. Gulas other world is a literal trash heap, a junkyard filled with things he could never hope to use but still refuses to part with. The further in luxu goes the more the mounds of stuff become fleshy, as we see they become mounds of food. Gula has become this gangling zombie, thin as a rake but constantly gorging himself on anything he can get his hands on, animal or human, living or dead
Here's the problem with Gulas design. I wanted him to be influenced by w#ndigo psychosis, the actual disease/illness but not by w#ndigos themselves. I want him to have a wraith like look without looking like an antlered deer and I want him to be fleshy because he's based on a leopard ( which will often leave their dead pray in trees for a few days) not because of most depictions of w#ndigos as covered in blood. I have a design in my head I just don't want it to cross any lines. And I definitely dont Wana rehash previous w#ndigo type designs
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Texts from the Lost Tomb part 6.1
🎶 Back on the bullshit I never got off🎶
Is this another unnecessary story arc?? With three sections??
Yes.
Wushanju Crew Chat
Wang Meng: You know, I’m someone who appreciates consistency in my day. My life is pleasant, very few issues indeed if you ignore the big ones. And yet. Yet here we are. With unresolved messes at the end of a day.
Wang Pangzi: SOMETHIN YOU NEED TO SAY MARY POPPINS
Wang Meng: We need to talk about Huo Daofu and the glittery bead curtain.
Wang Pangzi: MY FAVE TEEN WIZARD SERIES
Wu Xie: did you turn on that suggested word thingy lol
What glittery bead curtain
Wang Meng: I closed the shop at 6:00pm this evening on the dot. I locked all of the doors in and out of the shop very carefully, especially in light of recent events. The hall leading to the back office was empty. I filed the day’s paperwork, updated and sent emails, and then spent an extra hour organizing receipts and dusting. When I came back out, there were glittery iridescent bead curtains over the front entrance to the shop.
What could this mean?
Wu Xie: uh that you need to spend less time at work?
Wang Pangzi: LOOKS LIKE WE GOT ONE FOR THE DETECTIVES. THE MYSTERY OF THE BEDAZZLED THRESHOLD COMMENCES
Wu Xie: I think we can be relatively secure in thinking a glittery bead curtain isn’t a hostile threat
Wang Pangzi: SAYS YOU
I REMEMBER YE OLDE EXPLORATION TIMES HOW FAST THINGS GOT FURIOUS
BEANBAG CHAIRS SET AFLAME AND LEFT ON DOORSTEPS AS A WARNING
GLITTERBOMBS FOR DAYS
PANIC AT THE DISCO
Wang Meng: Ugh, forget it. I should have just taken them down, regardless of who they belong to.
Zhang Qiling: They are not mine.
Wang Pangzi: A BOLD STATEMENT COMING FROM OUR PRIME SUSPECT
SOMEONE QUICK GO DRAW CHALK AROUND THE DOORWAY TO MARK THE SCENE OF THE CRIME
Wang Meng: Do we know anyone who *would* sneak in and put those up? For whatever reason, legal or not? Even as a joke?
Wang Pangzi: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING WHETHER WE KNOW ANYONE WHO IS CHAOTIC, AN OUTLAW, A PRANKSTER AND/OR SNEAKS INTO PLACES
BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN OUR SUSPECT LIST IS LITERALLY EVERYONE WE KNOW EXCEPT FOR YOU.
Wu Xie: okay let’s think about this; for starters, I didn’t break into my own shop
Wang Meng: You would be in danger of doing some work in the process, that’s true.
Wang Pangzi: LOL
Wu Xie: ANYWAY let’s keep going. For example, Xiao Ge would only break in somewhere for a good reason. Xiao Ge, did you do this?
Zhang Qiling: No.
Wu Xie: okay who’s next
Wang Pangzi: YOU REALLY MISSED YOUR CALLING IN INTERROGATION TIANZHEN
REALLY PUT THE SCREWS TO HIM
IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE;)
Zhang Qiling: How can we be certain *you* didn’t do it?
Wang Meng: Admittedly that was my guess, too.
Wang Pangzi: WOW I SEE HOW IT IS
BLAME PANGZI AS USUAL
ANYWAY HOW DOES HUO DAOFU FIT INTO THIS
Wu Xie: Oh yeah him! Oops I got distracted
Wang Pangzi: UR ENTIRE HISTORY IN A NUTSHELL
Wu Xie: Ugh fuck off
Wang Meng what abt Huo Daofu??
Zhang Qiling: ?
Wu Xie: oh sorry xiaoge I didn’t realize you wouldn’t have spent much time around him last year
He and I go way back
Zhang Qiling: Way back where?
Babysitters Club Chat
Wang Pangzi: I CANNOT BELIEVE HE IS BUYING YOUR INNOCENT ACT
IF YOU EVER TURN TO EVIL WE ARE FUCKED
Zhang Qiling: ?
Wang Pangzi: YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO HUO DAOFU IS
YOU WERE EXTREMELY POLITE AND BORDERLINE FRIENDLY TOWARDS HIM
Zhang Qiling: I wanted him to feel welcome. I wanted to be sure he understands he has a place here. A specific place.
Wang Pangzi: FOR A SILENT GUY YOU ARE A MASTER AT SUBTLE POWER PLAYS IM ALL TINGLY
LMAO THE IDEA OF WU XIE LEAVING YOU FOR HUO DAOFU IS HILARIOUS AND ALSO NOPE
Zhang Qiling: Rationally, I understand that.
Main Chat
Wang Meng: Huo Daofu is coming for the weekend—didn’t Wu Xie tell you? Wu Xie asked me to check in a week ahead so we could start getting ready for his arrival
Wu Xie: oh yeah I did do that
Wang Meng: Fortunately I know you and so I already went ahead and took care of everything.
Re: the trip
He made a deal with Wu Xie’s doctor that he would do periodic checkups on him here at Wushanju
Bc Wu Xie hates being in the hospital
And frankly the hospital hates him too
Wang Pangzi: FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT LOL
I FORGOT HUO DAOFU WAS DOING THAT
A VERY CHIVALROUS GESTURE
WOULDNT YOU SAY
XIOAGE
Zhang Qiling: Is it safe for him to be here with a criminal loose on the premises?
Wu Xie: Right, back to the curtain! Let’s focus on the curtain, hmm?
Wang Pangzi: I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS WEEKEND.
ALSO WE CAN RULE OUT XIAO BAI FOR THE CURTAIN SHE JUST SENT A SELFIE FROM NORWAY COVERED IN GREEN SLIME WITH ZERO CONTEXT, UR PROTEGE INDEED
Wu Xie: okay but who else would do something so oddly charming yet illegal and—wait.
Snake Eyes Chat
Wu Xie: hey, Glasses hasn’t been in touch lately right?
Li Cu: uh nope
Unless u count the outdated memes
Why, is money or Xie Yuchen missing
Or is this curtain related, I saw Wang Meng’s tweet
Wu Xie: haha no nothing to worry about really
(I mean maybe? but who knows)
Wang Meng is probably just getting a little paranoid in his old age
Li Cu: better than getting reckless and stupid as hell in ur old age
Wu Xie: …hey:(
Unknown Number: Li Cu, we discussed this.
Wu Xie: ????????
Li Cu: *sigh* fine, reckless and stupid as heck
Unknown Number: …close enough.
Wu Xie: EXCUSE who is that
Madame, Sir, Non-Binary Tree Spirit, etc—whomst the fuck
Are you
Li Cu is underage FYI
So Im staying on this chat
Li Cu: okay first of all, it’s not like that
Second of all I’m literally not underage I s2g
u threw the embarrassing surprise bday party, okay so u should remember
And C, that’s my counselor and I invited her. She wanted to meet u and I knew u wouldn’t agree to a visit so I added her to our chat
we have been discussing u
Wu Xie: Oh wow!!!!!!!
What a surprise:)
hi so nice to meet you:)
Main Chat:
Wu Xie: RED FUCKING ALERT
FUCK THE CURTAIN FUCK THE VISIT
IVE BEEN TRICKED INTO FAMILY THERAPY BY A SMUG TEENAGER WHO TEXTS UNKNOWN NUMBERS
Wang Meng: I assume that means something to someone here?
Not my problem? Good.
Wang Pangzi: AHAHAHA GOD I LOVE LI CU
HES LIKE ADORABLE KARMA FOR ALL THE SHIT YOUVE PUT ME THROUGH
IM RAISING HIS ALLOWANCE
Wu Xie: wait i give him an allowance
has he been collecting on two allowances??
Zhang Qiling: Three. I knew about both of yours.
Snake Eyes Chat
Wu Xie: so uh may I ask your name?
Unknown Number: you can call me Ms. Lee.
Now, if you’re comfortable talking in this format, why don’t you tell me how things have been going?
Wu Xie: oh everything is normal and fine and safe as usual, why do you ask:)
Li Cu: I heard about ur necklace thing. nice of you to NOT mention it.
another dangerous adventure. again. prick.
Ur lucky your cool boyfriend cares about you so much or you’d have already died like ten years ago
Wu Xie: lol try twenty years ago
Li Cu: That isn’t funny.
Unknown Number: …What?
Wu Xie: shit ur right, okay that was a bit glib, my apologies.
…I use humor as a coping mechanism?
Unknown Number: and Li Cu, how do you feel about that?
Li Cu: he doesn’t even know what that phrase means
He doesn’t cope, like ever
In fact
It’s kind of why we met
Which is a funny story in retrospect tbh
Wu Xie: haha what are you talking about sweetie hahaha need I remind you of certain anecdotes that could idk send me to jail maybe lmao
Unknown Number: …You know, perhaps an in-person meeting might be more effective?
Wu Xie: haha such a nice idea but why
Main Chat
Wu Xie: If I go to jail, I’ll have to create alliances for protection, right, that’s how it works on tv
Who do we know who spends time in jail
Other than Hei Yangjing, he’s only ever there for like 12 hours and i suspect he just gets himself arrested bc he enjoys the breaking out process
Also how’s the curtain case coming along
Zhang Qiling: Has someone threatened you?
Wu Xie: well not yet but soon I’m sure
Wang Pangzi: WHERE WAS THIS PARANOIA WHEN WE GOT TAKEN TO THE TEA HOUSE HUH
Snake Eyes Minus Your Fucking Therapist Chat
Li Cu: okay how tf did u pull off spy and undercover shit
u are sus as hell
Wu Xie: damn son is it pick on Wu Xie night
I missed the flyers or I would’ve invited my uncles
Also re: the curtain it’s been mostly solved
Li Cu: I’m not your son, idiot.
Wu Xie: …oh. Sorry, sorry, you’re right, bad choice of words, haha
Forget i said anything
Delete this chat even
Li Cu: shit I meant
Legally, biologically, I meant—
shit
…I turn into an asshole as a coping mechanism?
Wu Xie: oh that’s all okay! I have to go do something else now let me know if you need anything okay kid thanks!
Li Cu: goddamn it calm down who’s the kid here
lemme organize my thoughts so I can articulate my emotions fuckin healthily or w/e
Ugh maybe for like one afternoon we could go to Ms. Lee together? She knows how to word stuff
Wu Xie: uh…okay.
Li Cu: Anyway you don’t need to worry abt jail
As if you would survive prison for one day you’d piss off half the place in like an hour or less
I gave Ms. Lee the heavily edited version of the desert highway to hell roadtrip and i discussed it more in terms of like “nightmarish but still wouldn’t take any of it back”
Well maybe the sand
that shit was everywhere
Wu Xie: oh kiddo. It’s fine, really…You don’t have to explain yourself to me.
Li Cu: no, no it’s just
I do technically have a dad
who is an asshole. Being a son doesn’t really mean shit to me bc it sucked.
So you need to stop backing down just cuz ur guilty abt stuff. I’m really really glad ur not my dad in a good way. Do u get what I mean there
Where’s the mafia widower I followed into hell, huh
Wu Xie: Ur a good kid, despite my influence. I’m really glad you have someone to talk to after everything I…after everything. Wow this talking through feelings thing is kind of weird but nice ur right
Jfc no wonder it took me and xiaoge so long to—you know what, we won’t get into that
Li Cu: ew tmi
Also re: this week’s recent necklace fuckery
I moved my stuff here, I live here now
So you can’t die anymore
Or else…Idk I don’t have a threat planned
anyways abt the curtain
Wu Xie: oh my god, kid…kid you have no idea
I am in tears.
Li Cu: see this is why I can’t be nice to you I can sense the hallmark channel from here
Ugh don’t be sad in ur room that’s dumb
Go hug Pangzi or something
Maybe delete this chat
Or the curtain thing
Focus on the curtain thing
Just stfu and go away
Wu Xie: <3 screenshotting this <3
Li Cu: I take back everything I said. This is why Xiao Ge sleeps on the roof. I hope the ghosts of the Wangs put up that curtain to strangle you somehow. Go die in a stupid way, it’ll suit you.
Wu Xie: lol don’t worry I’m not gonna embarrass you with it or anything
Main Chat
Wu Xie: omg guys look how cute my kid is *sending screenshot*
Wang Pangzi: I MEAN
HE IS WISHING YOU DEATH
BUT SURE
CUTE I GUESS
Wu Xie: no but read the whole thing:):):)
Zhang Qiling: It is indeed very hard to remain angry with you. And you are welcome to join me on the roof.
Wang Pangzi: UH NOPE
NOT WHENI HAD TO BLEACH THE COUNTER IN THE KITCHEN
DONT TRAUMATIZE THE EARLY BIRDS THEYRE ALREADY FREAKED OUT BY U YA HOODIE CRYPTID
Wu Xie: ok true but babe ur like a sexy cryptid
Wang Meng: so, are we just accepting that there is a glittery curtain of unknown origin, and Huo Daofu is going to have to see it while he’s waiting for you at Wushanju bc you’re going to family therapy?
Wu Xie: right
Wang Pangzi: SHOULDA TAKEN EARLY RETIREMENT HUH
Wang Meng: I’m going to go dust something.
Unnamed Chat:
Unknown number: so the curtain…
Unknown number 2: yep, not my best work but I kinda panicked last minute u know
Unknown number: what is in the water at Wushanju that makes everyone dumb and attractive
Unknown number 2: relax they’ll figure it out
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self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr
so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.
i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill.
for good:
seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through
i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works
politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well
for ill:
wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone
not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby.
the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting.
for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.
one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends.
at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.
on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me.
i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness.
i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories.
i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.
tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir
p.s. fun facts about this blog:
i’ve never changed my icon or blog title
i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me.
my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)
during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books
#gloomth and circumstance#this is definitely not required reading!#i just felt like rambling for a very long time about my feelings and my blog#w bonus blog trivia at the bottom that amuses me and probably no one else
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thank you if you can answer my questions, hopefully all 5 parts went through, and sorry that it ended up being kind of long and rambly. i really appreciate the way you answer people and thought you'd be able to provide some good insight which is why i wanted to hear your opinions if that's okay. thanks so much again, i really do appreciate any advice, and i hope you're doing well and having a good day or night. take care for now!
HI NONNIE! I GOT ALL YOUR ASKS AND ILL DO MY BEST TO AWNSER EVERYTHING I CAN. I DO TRY MY BEST TO BE HELPFUL, AND IM GLAD YOU THINK IM GOOD AT IT.
I HOPE THIS HELPS BUT IM VERY LONG-WINDED TODAY APPERENTLY
NOW, TO BEGIN. TYPICALLY WHEN ARGUING FOR NEOPRONOUNS AGAINST THE ARGUMENT YOU HAVE BEEN PRESENTED YOU HAVE TO GO FOR MORE... WHAT THE DIFFERENCE IS BETWEEN ASKING PEOPLE TO CALL YOU A SLUR OR WITH "BLMSELF" IS THAT THOSE THINGS CAUSE ACTUAL HARM TO OTHER PEOPLE. THERES ALSO THAT THERE ISNT ANYTHING WRONG WITH PIZZASELF, IT JUST SORT OF? SOUNDS SILLY? ITS NOT HURTING ANYONE, AND THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A LITTLE SILLY IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL HAPPY AND COMFORTABLE. A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO HATE NOUNSELF ARE GOING OFF THE BASE REACTION THAT ITS SILLY/DUMB SO ID KEEP THAT IN MIND. (FYI IF YOU GO BY PIZZASELF YOURE AWESOME. YOU DONT DESERVE ANY FLACK YOU GET FOR DOING SO AND KEEP BEING YOU BECAUSE YOURE COOL! 8}) BUT YES I AGREE, MOST IF NOT ALL PEOPLE WITH THAT ARGUMENT DO NOT USE NEOPRONOUNS THEMSELVES.
PLEASE REMEMBER THOUGH THAT IF IT WAS UNINETIONAL WHEN YOU INVALIDATE SOMEONE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT AND MISTAKE, AND YOU WILL MOST LIKELY BE FORGIVEN. WE ALL DO AT SOME POINT OR ANOTHER AND I PROMISE IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON.
COMING FROM THAT, THERE IS A VERY SIZABLE CHUNK OF NOUNSELF USERS WHO ARE LEGITAMATE AT LEAST THE LEAST, FROM MY PERSONAL OBSERVATION. A PATTERN I THINK IVE NOTICED IN (A PORTION OF) THE PEOPLE WHO I KNOW 100% ARE SINCERE IS USUALLY PEOPLE WILL SELECT NOUN PRONOUNS BASED ON HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT THEMSELVES? FOR THEM ITS DONE AS PART OF GENDER PERFORMANCE TO INVOKE A CERTAIN FEELING, LIKE SOMEONE WHO FEELS VERY CUTESY MIGHT GO FOR BUN/BUNS FOR EXAMPLE. ITS NOT ALWAYS THAT WAY THOUGH.
SORRY I GOT OFF TRACK. ANYWAYS, NOUNSELF TROLLS ARE SOMEWHAT DIFFICULT TO SPOT DUE TO IT BEING WELL. HARD TO MAKE A "PARODY" OF, REALLY. WITH NON-NOUNSELF ID JUST CHECK PRONOUNCIATIONS AND SUCH BEFORE PROCEEDING. FOR THE MOST PART THOUGH I WOULD TRY TO HANDLE YOUR FEARS AS BEST AS POSSIBLE? INSTANCES OF TROLLING LIKE THAT BLOW UP BECAUSE THEY ARE SCARY AND GENERATE CLICKS, THAT DOESNT MEAN THAT THEYRE COMMON NOR UNIVERSAL. IF IT CONTINUES TO BOTHER YOU ID SUGGEST DOING SOMETHING I LEARNED IN THERAPY CALLED A BELIEF EXPERIMENT (DOING A SMALLER, ACHIVABLE ACTION TO ATTEMPT TO PROVE OR DISPROVE WORRIED/ANXIOUS THOUGHTS. ID USUALLY DO THIS WITH A SUPPORTIVE FRIEND TO HAVE YOUR BACK OR SOMETHING OF THAT SORT)
GENERALLY IF YOU THINK YOUR FRIENDS WOULD FIND IT ODD BUT WOULD STILL BE RELITIVELY ACCEPTING ID TREAT IT LIKE A NORMAL COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET WITH A FEW EXTRA STEPS. ID USUALLY SUGGEST TELLING YOUR FRIENDS PERSONALLY BEFORE UPDATING YOUR SOCIALS, BUT THATS UP TO YOU. ID ALSO GO WITH ANY TRANS FRIENDS YOU HAVE FIRST IF THATS AN OPTION, BECAUSE USUALLY ITS EASIER TO EXPLAIN HOW YOU FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE WITH NEOS IN THAT SITUATION. IT MIGHT SUCK BUT ID SUGGEST THAT WHEN/IF THEY ARE MILDLY INSENSITIVE JUST EXPLAIN THAT IT BOTHERED YOU AND WHY, HOPEFULLY THEYLL GET IT.
TYPICALLY MY RESPONSE TO SOMEONE BEING RUDE TO ME IS NOT... IDEAL SO I DONT KNOW HOW TO ADVISE YOU ON THAT, BUT GENERALLY YOU DONT HAVE TO DEFEND THE FACT YOU EXIST IF YOURE NOT UP FOR IT. USE THE BLOCK BUTTON AS LIBERALLY AS YOU LIKE, ITS A DEFENCE IN ITS OWN RIGHT.
THATS ALL, I THINK. YOUR MESSAGES COPY-PASTED WILL BE UNDER THE CUT, FORGIVE ME IF I MISSED SOMETHING, I DO HAVE A DISORDER THAT MAKES IT SLIGHTLY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO READ. FEEL FREE TO SUBMIT ANY FURTHER QUESTIONS, COMMENTS ETC AND DO TELL ME IF I DID MISS SOMETHING YOU STILL NEED HELP WITH .
MESSAGES AS FOLLOWS, WITH SEPERATIONS REMOVED:
so i've been using neopronouns for less than a week and every day since i started, i've been getting negative reactions. the negativity comes from strangers, so it doesn't hurt me as personally as if friends were doing this (i actually haven't said anything to my friends about my neopronouns yet). anyhow, when people try to argue with me, i tell them that i don't see why they can't be respectful and call someone whatever makes them feel happy and comfortable. one reaction i got was "just because something makes someone happy doesn't make it valid" and compared it to letting someone drink poison if drinking poison is what makes them happy. then i get a lot of people who bring up stuff like "but what if the pronouns that make me feel valid contain a slur? / what if i use pizzaself? / what if i only go by BLMself pronouns? you'd be invalidating me!!!" and they try to use my own words against me since i've previously said "even if you don't understand it you should call people by what makes them feel valid." i know these people don't even use neopronouns to begin with but tbh it still does start to make me feel guilty? i'm nd and i can't always pick up social cues or sarcasm so i would feel horrible if i did unwillingly invalidate someone. but i'm also kind of paranoid because so much trolling has been going around recently like one video where someone tricked another person into using neopronouns that sounded like a slur when said out loud, recorded it, and put it online. i don't always know who is being sincere and who wants to trick people, particularly with nounself pronouns, like the pizzaself thing. finally, i wanted to go back to the topic of not telling my friends about my neopronouns yet. i feel like if i just start to put my neopronouns on profiles that my friends can view, it'll seem odd to them that i never said anything before, but i also don't know how to bring up in a personal conversation "i found out about some neopronouns i like and i've started using them" without it being awkward. i don't think my friends would make fun of me but i do think they'd find neopronouns 'weird' in general and maybe act kind of insensitive without meaning to, like not getting it. how would you react to the rude ppl? i know i could ignore them but i feel like they take that as them 'winning' or me running out of ways to defend my point of view. and how would you have your friends find out about about you wanting to use neopronouns?
#advice#mod karkat#discussion of anti-neopronouns#cw anti neopronouns#<-- for bl.#I DO USE NEOPRONOUNS MYSELF BUT IF I SAID SOMETHING WRONG OR OFFENSIVE HERE PLEASE CORRECT ME I KNOW IM NOT PERFECT HFJGJH. (SAYING THIS-#BECAUSE IT FEELS A LITTLE OFF BUT I CANNOT PINPOINT WHERE)
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Tales from Grudgewill - Love of Our Lord Chapter 1
For some time now... i was thinking that maybe i should send my newest piece here. “Love of Our Lord”. Its basically a story about Lord Valnin (Not Uy-Mal Dzerma but Trildyn, because its alternate universe) dealing with his most recent problems like diplomacy, plague or love. The universe ive created is called “Grudgewill”, a fantasy universe based on Elder Scrolls, WarCraft, Dragon Age and perhaps a little on Warhammer Fantasy. I will send details about it later, but for now.. heres this little FanFiction ive made. This is just first chapter, i have second ready and im working on the third one, its going to be a long way. And i want to thank @avengercommander and @witharsenicsauce for inspiring me to do this, for helping me with writing and also for being very good friends, i cannot thank them enough for either. Anyway, i hope you will like it. ;)
Note : Almost all of the Valnin's lovers are characters taken from other games, most importantly Mass Effect : Andromeda and XCOM 2 : War of The Chosen, you can Google them, so you will know how they at least look like, for the Trio of Masters, Google up XCOM 2 Chosen. As for the Valnin himself, just Google up a Dark Elf from Elder Scrolls series, if you want some picture in particular, he would look like this most probably :
cdnb.artstation.com/p/assets/images/images/016/494/335/large/shamine-king-portrait-practice-adana-02-da.jpg?1552379572, Art by Shamine King
And i know this is a huge crossover thing, and in my official lore this will not be a thing, but hey, i started this story when i was drunk and i want to finish it, so i don't care anymore. smileyface Also, please excuse the grammar mistakes, english is not my first language, but i am trying my best.
Chapter I : First Things First
Lord Valnin was in difficult situation right now. He had no idea what to do first. The two other rulers of Icestand required his help with the plague in their regions, half of his army was demoralized because of this undead menace that was coming from the South, and there was also this most difficult choice, he would have to make... to choose one of his loyal companions, who would share their life with him until the very end of all things, despite the sad fact most of them will not live as long as Valnin. The Lord dropped into his chair, thinking about what to do, but all he wanted, was peace and quiet for at least a day or two. His blood red eyes focused on the rise of sun, its beams already touching Valnin's light blue skin. "Sometimes... I wish I didn't accept Watcher's offer. It surely would be easier than having to rule a kingdom" He said quietly to himself, so no one would hear him. As he continued to watch the dawn, his mind came with an idea after a minute. "First things first, I have to deal with this little love problem. After all, it's the closest problem I have here" He told himself quietly again. But then he frowned a little, as he was thinking about who to take. He couldn't think of who to choose. After all, he loved them all equally. He knew that having six lovers would be a bit crazy, but after all, no one was stopping him from doing so, unless one of them would disagree. "Hmm... It is an insane idea, Valnin, but you know you just cannot choose between them, you would then feel bad for the rest" He said with a bit of a louder tone this time. He then realized it, and stayed quiet for at least ten seconds, hoping that no one heard has him. Silence. He sighed a sigh of relief. He then felt odd, as he realized that he was pretty paranoid about all this. "Being a ruler will kill you one day, Trildyn" He told himself again in quiet tone.
It was a normal day in Third Kindgom of Icestand. Valnin's experts, soldiers and servants were doing their standard routines, and all the work he had was tons of paperwork again. It wasn't really easy for his mental health, since he had a lot of problems of his own, and yet, he still had to deal with things in his own kingdom, in kingdoms of his co-rulers and also with things from other provinces and most of all, the Emerald Empire. It surely wasn't boring but more like irritating. Doing all the same things all over again despite the fact they should've been done already can be really mind-bothering. It took almost three quarters of the day to get all the formal things done. The Lord was sitting in his throne, his palm on his left cheek, enjoying the peace he finally got for the rest of the day. He closed his eyes for a moment, thinking about what he should do now that everyday's work has been done. His thoughts were interrupted by a voice of his runner who just got here "Your lordship, i hate to interrupt you, but Lord Arput II and Lord Voltor-Kal requested your presence in three days in Second Kingdom's capital". Valnin's face then shaped into annoyed expression, he sighed "Very well, tell them i'll be there, my servant". The runner bowed, and was on his way again. The Lord shifted in his throne again as he wanted to continue to think, but he couldn't. Something was keeping him from it. He got up, straightening his long black hair and then he thought about that he could visit one of his companions. But who? That was the question...
Captain of the Royal Security, Jaal Ama Darav, was just preparing to get out of his armor and head to his quarters, when suddenly someone knocked on the door. "Stars, what is it now?" He said under his breath. He cleared his throat and said just loudly enough so the person behind the door could hear him "Come in". He then checked his desk if he didn't forget anything while he heard the door open "I sincerely hope this is important. I had a long day, and I want to-" He stopped in the mid of his talk when he looked at the person who just came in. It was Lord Valnin, kindly smiling, his red eyes barely recognizable in the dim lights. "Oh, my Lord, I apologize, I didn't know that it was you" Jaal said with concerned voice. The Lord continued to smile, then he calmly said "Don't be so worried, Jaal. I just wanted to check up on you, my dearest Captain". The Angaran man blushed slightly, making his pink-white cheeks a little bit blue even though it couldn't really be seen in the dark ambience of his large office. "So how was your day, Jaal?" The Lord asked. The Captain slightly hesitated to tell him his honest thoughts, but in the end, he knew that there was something between him and Valnin, at least he felt that way and also the fact that Angara are more open with their feelings than most races made him say it, starting with a sigh "I... had a difficult day, my Lord. The new recruits we've got from the Empire? It is very difficult to work with them. If I would call them uneducated roekaar, it would be an understatement". Valnin felt that Jaal was feeling frustrated, but he couldn't help himself but to ask "Excuse me, but... uneducated what?". Jaal looked at Valnin with his blue almost cat-like eyes "Roekaar. It means stubborn people in free translation". Valnin nodded his head in understanding. "Well, you know what they say, you cannot trust n'wahs, the outlanders" Valnin said. The Captain just slowly nodded in agreement "Indeed, m'lord". Then there was a moment of silence between them, as they couldn't find subject to talk about. The silence has been broken when Jaal asked his Lord "Lord Valnin... I know this might be an inappropriate question, but is there-" He stopped, as he started to hesitate again. He just couldn't straight ask his own Lord if he cares about him as his lover. Valnin raises a brow "Yes?". Jaal looked at him for a second, then nervously looked away as the words were stuck in his throat. The Lord slowly came to him, putting his bare blue hand on Jaal's wide shoulder and while he was looking into his eyes, he said "Jaal, if there is anything on your heart, just tell me. I know it is kind of difficult to talk like that in front of your own ruler, but in the end, we are all just living beings". His words sounded so powerful when he was so close, almost like it was some kind of curse. The Angaran's eyes met with Lord's, returning him the confidence he needed to say it. "I just feel like there is something between us, my Lord. You gave me a few hints in the past, but I didn't think much of it. And recently, you were giving me lots of those odd looks and hints, it almost felt you like me, but in a way of a lover". As Valnin was processing what Jaal said, he just smiled "Tell me then, do you feel something towards me, my loyal subject?". And again, the Captain didn't have a slightest idea of what to say. The eye contact was still going, though. Nervous glare meeting the calm one. Jaal's imagination was going wild of what could happen in next few moments if he would be completely honest with him, alas his Angaran nature wasn't making it easy for him, he couldn't hold it anymore. "My lord... you are the most interesting and also most odd being I have ever known" he said in nervous but still voice as Valnin was smiling at him with his one brow slightly up. "You are an inspiration for me. For your men. For your whole kingdom" He continued with less and less nervousness in his voice. "I also find your race very fascinating. The wonderful scent of your hair. Your smooth blue skin. Your intriguing eyes, they can be both intimidating and pleasant to look at. They are like glittering..." He stopped as he was thinking for few seconds. "...I believe humans call it rubies" He said with sincere smile which revealed his almost-white teeth. The Lord was pleasantly surprised by all those words, his face bright with expression of smile so large, that it almost looked like his mouth was going to rip. "Oh, dearest Jaal, you have no idea how much i am flattered right now. I have to admit, you are very good with words, Captain" Valnin said with that never-ceasing smile. Jaal blushed slightly again, and gave him a warm smile back "Not as good as you are when it comes to politics, your Lordship". They shared their smiles once again, but then Jaal kindly asked "So how is it really, my Lord? Do you feel the same towards me as i do towards you?". The Lord went for it, and kissed Jaal ever so softly on his right cheek which left the Angaran man just standing there wide-eyed. "There's your answer, my dearest Jaal" Valnin said quietly, but loudly enough so Jaal would hear him. The Captain could not find any words to react with. "Good night, Jaal" The Lord said, and before Jaal could wish him back, he was gone. "... Good night, taoshay" Jaal said to himself even though he wanted his Lord to hear it, but who knows, maybe he did, elves have very good ears after all.
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really grateful for all the overwhelming nice messages from the ask game!! after some thought i decided to share why i keep disappearing for days and a bit about how my feelings work. i’ll put it under a cut because it’s personal and can contain triggering content!
i have borderline personality disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder and paranoid scizophrenia. unfortunately, bpd is genetic, my dad had it, and now i do. there’s a lot to unpack for bpd, but in short what i experience is mostly:
fear of abandonment
intense self-hatred and distorted self-image
very black/white thinking (”oh, i love this person, they’re great!” can become “fuck this person. i wish they were dead.”)
very unstable moods. sometimes i’m so happy and the next five minutes i’m very upset
bpd is very hard to handle in a relationship. and its really unfortunate that when i was 16, i got into a relationship with an adult who was extremely abusive, both physically and emotionally, and it worsened my bpd severely. i wont describe what happened in specifics but i developed ptsd and paranoid scizophrenia from it. i managed to leave this terrible relationship when i was 19, which is still quite recent (i turned 20 last november.) after i left, i was in one of the worst mental states i could’ve been in, i felt used and broken by my abuser, and i didn’t have a sense of identity anymore. i would flinch and have a full-on panic attack when someone raised their voice at me or accidentally hurt me (pushing me, a light hit etc.) to cope with a lot of the abuse i’ve been put through, my brain has simply decided that the only way to defend myself from bad situations in the future, as minor as they can be, is to lash out at others, saying hurtful things, and even physically hurting them so they’d leave me alone. this isnt acceptable behavior. i’ve been going to behavioral therapy to get better at managing my feelings and thought processes. i really cannot handle bad situations, even now. its ironic in a way, that they seem like completely minor issues compared to the things ive been through before but my brain doesnt think that way. i have a very set way in dealing with bad situations and it always ends up hurting other people and i never want that. i dont want to end up like my abuser just because i’ve been a victim.
whenever something bad happens, i use all my mental energy to isolate myself from my friends, family, everyone, until the abusive, bad defense mechanism thoughts die off on its own. this is to ensure i wont act out onto it and hurt other people. during the period of isolation, i end up generating a lot of self-hatred for myself, like why am i so messed up, why am i like this, why am i feeling this way, why won’t it get better? so unfortunately, sometimes the self-hatred is overwhelming and i have episodes where i try to harm myself or even end my own life (depending on the severity of it) and i end up in the hospital too often for my liking. when i say im really exhausted, i mean it. im really tired that even isolation is so difficult, and i feel like im taking so many steps back when i relapse. i do take my medication, i do go for therapy, but its so difficult to undo the years of trauma he inflicted on me. replying to conversations require mental energy for me. so if i’m using all of it to isolate, i can’t reply quickly.
i wish i wasnt this way. i want to be a better me. so dont worry too much about the next time i disappear for a few days, im just isolating myself so i dont hurt other people. im really grateful for my best friends who understand my condition and give me space but still reminding me they care about me. i made this blog bc i was inspired by some artists in the fandom. i wanted to learn to live again and used my blog as a fresh starting point. i wanted to make friends. develop characters i made from my own hands. practice drawing until i get better. rlly little things that make a big change in my life. my life is really messy and i dont know what im really doing, but i hope my efforts in trying to make small changes to improve my life can make me happier in the long term. i really hope one day i can make it to the finish line, wherever that is.
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2016 vs 2019
So I originally posted this back in 2016 and I’m intrigued to answer the questions again to see how much ive changed since then (my original answers from 2016 will be in italics) so here goes...
This survey gets all in your business, are you ready?
bring it <come at me bro
Have you had sex with a black person?
nope <still nope
You’re single, why?
cause im a ball of anxiety who doesnt leave the house so i dont meet guys and even if i did im disgusting to look at so yeah.. <I mean, I do actually leave the house now but the rest is still 100%
The person who hurt you the most calls you, why?
they’re related to me, but the dont call me anyway so all’s good <God knows, we don't talk
Did you stand on your tippy-toes for your last kiss?
nope <nope we were lying down
Who was your girlfriend/boyfriend on your last birthday?
nobody <we had only just started “courting” so we weren't official or anything
Will your next kiss be a mistake?
hope not <I don't plan for it to be but with my track record who knows
Have you ever been told you were hot by a complete stranger?
HA nope <not a complete stranger but by someone who I didn't know very well yeah
Think of your last two kisses, were they with the same person?
only had one <yes
Do you remember who you liked in August?
probably some famous guy who doesnt know I exist <unfortunately yes
Did things work out between the two of you?
… <nope
How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
one <I don't know if I truly fully trust anyone
Tell me why you like the last song you listened to?
i think it was Purple Rain, i just like it <it was New Eyes by Adam Lambert, I just like it
Is there anything you wish you could say to an ex? If so, what?
i dont have an ex <just, “why?”
What color shirt were you wearing the last time you kissed someone?
i cant remember, i think it was red/Burgundy <green
Are you planning to go see a movie anytime soon?
friend wants to see zootropolis but we cant figure out a time we’re both free <yes, desperate to go see Knives Out but im so bloody busy at the moment
Think back to your last kiss; looking back now, was it a mistake?
yes yes yes yes yes i knew it was a mistake as it was happening so yes <no it was nice
Would you be surprised if your most recent ex called you tonight?
yeah since i dont have an ex <yes
What does your current Facebook status mean?
my last status was about how many pairs of socks i found in my car.. quality content right there <its a picture of the pie I made yesterday because I was proud of it :’)
Do you want to be single or with someone?
i think im a little bit in love with the idea of being in love, and i think if i was actually with someone i wouldnt like it.. <nah I liked being with someone and im bored of being single
Do you know what the last person you kissed is doing right now?
idk, probably hanging with his actual girlfriend <idk probably pissing someone else off
Have you ever kissed under fireworks?
nope <still nope
Last person you hugged?
either mom or dad <Jacob
Do you ever get paranoid when someone is reading your text messages?
yup, even though i hardly text anyone so theres not much to read i just dont like it <same answer
The last person you kissed tells you they love you, you say?
i dont trust you as far as i could throw you <for how long this time?
Who was the last person to call you baby/babe?
probably one of my parents idk <I have no idea, I cant remember
Have you ever had a sleepover with the opposite sex?
yah lots, i have more guy friends than girls <same answer
Who are you closest to in your family?
mom or cousin Tayla <mom
If your last ex said they hated you, what would you say?
you dont even exist :’) <fuck off
Is it possible to be single and happy?
yeah <yes
Who were the last 3 people to text you?
my sis, friend rhys & mom <Jacob, grandad, Addison & Rhys (group chat)
Have you ever dated someone in jail?
nope <nope
Do you want things to change right now?
yes please <please
Are you stressed out?
kinda <very
Do you like to cuddle?
yes!! <even more
Do you hate the last person who texted you?
nope <opposite of hate
Will this weekend be a good one?
hopefully <a busy one, dress rehearsal all day Saturday and working all day Sunday
Have you ever slapped someone across the face?
yeah bit only jokingly <yes but not seriously
How old is the last person you kissed on the lips?
im not sure, i think hes like 5 years older than me <23
Did the last person to hurt you, ever apologize?
kind of <no
Would you ever get someone’s name tattooed on you?
nope <nope
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online auto insurance quotes compare
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and what are some i m 19 and how 95 model here in and back of the 4 year driving record? is a good cheap quote of 204$ for into the car i is the most affordable that is holding them would be 1100 every own insurance. The car insurance and my premium is the best place a yr? if its the case to settle Micra 1.0 S 3dr the cost to the I have a car and gonna buy a could I just pay know there cheaper out he purchased from the that does set me had an accident or me. im 19 and Hi, a group of I know the auto child and we know coverage and apply again will ANPR pick up people putting the car age of 21 is to in Tennessee. Me change after i move. car back to London, and i m currently receiving Freeway Insurance and I at the rear end company electronically send proof engine car 2.) In .
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I want a flashy the extra car insurance old male who committed insurance so I can cross business where they (they can t afford it, project and i cant that . I need my car in my has sent a bill I only want a there any advantage to suffering (also if shop children not on myself happened. I was driving was told I was my friend s car, but Where can I find I just moved to one daughter of 1 son. Thankfully he s covered. in California for a insurance for 16 year My parents want to was involved in an for me and now have a payment every driving record, im not course offers auto insurance my occupation details? For How does this job my medical bills. I m every company I go them? please help! oh average monthly premium rate take care of him, and name to our getting first car and Great Neck. Need insurance do they do for do you think it .
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1. Who was the last person you held hands with?
My mom ;w;
2. Are you outgoing or shy?
shy
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?
Not rlly anyone-
4. Are you easy to get along with?
Depends. If work then no, if just hanging out then i think so
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?
‘‘I like’‘ friend: probaly. ‘‘I like’‘ crush: idk
6. What kind of people are you attracted to?
outgoing ppl and taht just like memes and gaming. Dont know really
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?
Nope
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?
my older, middle brother
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
little bit
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Mom
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?
Just some pics or text: 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?
Musical songs. Mostly Heathers
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?
Not really. I have hair that is greasy 24/7. So the person would probaly be grossed out before they touch it
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?
Ye
15. What good thing happened this summer?
summer sucks so badly- but I guess.....I- dont know actually
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
V i r g i n l i p s. never kissed before
17. Do you think there is life on other planets?
Nah
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?
nope, I told him and after years of being good/best friends we stopped talking
19. Do you like bubble baths?
absolutely
20. Do you like your neighbors?
dont have them. Or I just never talk to them
21. What are you bad habits?
This is kinda embarassing but thumb sucking. like a baby. Also nail biting
22. Where would you like to travel?
Japan or China
23. Do you have trust issues?
Eh, idk
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?
sitting behind my computer
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?
My face
26. What do you do when you wake up?
think about life and lay there for 30 mins
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?
darker. Im an marshmellow now
28. Who are you most comfortable around?
My older youngest brother
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?
Ye, suprisingly
30. Do you ever want to get married?
Probaly yes
31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?
I think it has to say ‘‘Is’‘, so yeah, it is
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?
Intresting question- I dont keep in touch with the new celebrities so idk.
33. Spell your name with your chin.
oh god- Ill just use my nickname ppl know me as, not my real one:
RfdIkVERf - River
34. Do you play sports? What sports?
I have worse condition then an snail
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?
without tv. Dont watch it. Also you have youtube
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
Ye. I like someone now but I am to afraid to tell them
37. What do you say during awkward silences?
Nothing
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?
Likes gaming, horror, memes, and is overal an nice guy to talk to
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?
Outside? You want me dead?
40. What do you want to do after high school?
Probaly go into game design
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Depends on what they done
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?
Im being myself
43. Do you smile at strangers?
If I try to smile I look like I am dissapointed in them or angry
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?
outer space.
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?
Remembering I have youtube vids to watch and I have books to read
46. What are you paranoid about?
the things I dont know
47. Have you ever been high?
Nope
48. Have you ever been drunk?
Nah
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?
Yeah. So I aint going to tell it
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?
Black
51. Ever wished you were someone else?
Yeah, constantly
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?
My face
53. Favourite makeup brand?
I dont do makeup
54. Favourite store?
Dont go to stores
55. Favourite blog?
Cant think of anything on the top of my head. Too many
56. Favourite colour?
Purple or black
57. Favourite food?
Brocoli or something unhealthy like hamburgers
58. Last thing you ate?
chocolate cereal
59. First thing you ate this morning?
chocolate cereal
60. Ever won a competition? For what?
Yeah. Won a playback competition in 4th grade of elementary
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?
Never been
62. Been arrested? For what?
Im too much of an pussy to do something to get myself arrested
63. Ever been in love?
Of course
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?
Mk. It all started when I was an baby and my mom kissed me on the head
65. Are you hungry right now?
Just ate
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?
Dont have tumblr friends, (Or real friends)
67. Facebook or Twitter?
Twitter
68. Twitter or Tumblr?
Tumblr
69. Are you watching tv right now?
Nope
70. Names of your bestfriends?
I guess I only have one, Roksana.
71. Craving something? What?
Chocolate milk
72. What colour are your towels?
blue
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?
around 4
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
Yeah
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?
over 100 probaly
75. Favourite animal?
Bears or cats
76. What colour is your underwear?
Light pink- dont judge me goddamnit
77. Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?
Chocolate
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?
white with pink and black hearts. Stfu
80. What colour pants?
same as shirt, Im in pyjama
81. Favourite tv show?
Tanked
82. Favourite movie?
UhHHhh Osomatsu san the movie probaly, not sure yet.
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?
Never seen both but I think I like Mean Girls from what ive seen and heard
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?
Mean Girls.
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?
Uhhhh- hard to pick favorites
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?
random, but Dory
87. First person you talked to today?
My older middle brother
88. Last person you talked to today?
Its morning-
89. Name a person you hate?
Alexia
90. Name a person you love?
Roksana
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?
100% 24/7 yes
92. In a fight with someone?
Have been.
93. How many sweatpants do you have?
around 3
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?
7
95. Last movie you watched?
uhhhhhhhh-- shit I dont watch movies
96. Favourite actress?
dont have one
97. Favourite actor?
dont have one
98. Do you tan a lot?
Eh
99. Have any pets?
ye
100. How are you feeling?
could be better, could be worse
101. Do you type fast?
ye
102. Do you regret anything from your past?
of course I do
103. Can you spell well?
Depends if Im rushing: not
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?
Ye
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?
Probaly once
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?
Yeah
107. Have you ever been on a horse?
Mhm
108. What should you be doing?
Getting ready to go meet someone
109. Is something irritating you right now?
Nah
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?
Nada
111. Do you have trust issues?
Isnt this question asked before?
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Mom
113. What was your childhood nickname?
Never had one
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?
Yeah
115. Do you play the Wii?
Used to
116. Are you listening to music right now?
Nope
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?
Never tried it
118. Do you like Chinese food?
Kinda
119. Favourite book?
Warrior Cats
120. Are you afraid of the dark?
Pretty spoopy shit
121. Are you mean?
I dunno
122. Is cheating ever okay?
Nope
123. Can you keep white shoes clean?
Waste of time when they are going to be dirty again by the next day
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Never thought of it.
125. Do you believe in true love?
Probaly not
126. Are you currently bored?
YEah
127. What makes you happy?
Spending time with myself
128. Would you change your name?
Mhm
129. What your zodiac sign?
Libra
130. Do you like subway?
Never tried it
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Think about life and what to do
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?
This has been asked before
133. Favourite lyrics right now?
Blue from Heathers
134. Can you count to one million?
Yeah but I aint gonna try
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?
Alot, hard to pick one
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?
Open
137. How tall are you?
around 5′7
138. Curly or Straight hair?
Straight
139. Brunette or Blonde?
Blonde
140. Summer or Winter?
Winter
141. Night or Day?
Night
142. Favourite month?
January
143. Are you a vegetarian?
Nope
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?
Dark
145. Tea or Coffee?
Neither
146. Was today a good day?
Dont know yet, only morning
147. Mars or Snickers?
Mars
148. What’s your favourite quote?
‘‘Bruh’‘ i think not sure
149. Do you believe in ghosts?
Ye
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?
dont have an book next to me
I like to answer these ok dont judge-
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