might go on long term hiatus here !

Get to Know Me- Sims Edition

thank you @hurricanesims for the tag <33

sorry for taking so long to reply, for some reason it took me ages to actually answer these questions🤠

What's your favourite Sims death?

i hate when my sims die.. i can honestly say i’ve never forcefully killed any of my sims as I get so attached to them. in this case, id probably say death by old age.

Alpha CC or Maxis Match?

alpha! back when I used to play ts4 i gravitated towards maxis match.

Do you cheat your sims weight?

seems pointless to me lol

Do you use move objects?

yes!🫡🫡 impossible to build /decorate without it

Favourite Mod?

nrass master controller - it so universal and makes life a lot easier 🥺

First Expansion/Game Pack/Stuff Pack?

my first expansion was university life. it will forever have a special place in my heart, I love it so much

Do you pronounce live mode or aLIVE or LiVing?

never even thought about it honest, probably like alive??

whos your favourite sim that you've made?

my girlie marcie, she’s come so far with me so I just have a special kinda attachment to her lol

Have you made a simself?

no i think this would just make me miserable

Which is your favourite EA hair colour?

none. I always find the tones of ea hairs to just be a little off? i just use custom colours

Favourite EA hair?

well i dont use any EA hairs they look ugly I have default replacements hairs by maryjane

Favourite life stage?

young adult

are you a builder or are you in it for gameplay?

only recently have i been in it for the gameplay. but i use that phrase lightly. i wil forever be a builder at heart.

Are you a CC creator?

barely lol. sometimes i post occasional things for dl. my knowledge of cc making only scratches the surface. i can do the basics like make poses, and custom photos (alongside sims and builds - but who doesnt).

ive tried to get into cc making a couple of times but its so complicated? i have mad respect for cc makers in the community. ill leave that job to the professionals.

Do you have any Simblr friends or a Sim Squad?

back in my day... lol not so much anymore. after i took a fat hiatus a lot of the people i used to regularly talk with moved on.

@pixelevia is still my girlie. she doesnt post much, but we talk all the time off tumblr and regularly get each other excited about sims storylines that are yet to come to life lol.

Do you have any sims merch?

yes.. i am embarrassed to say that when ts4 was release i pre-ordered the deluxe version. it came with a mouse pad.. its long gone now. but i always remember it having a funky smell ??

also i dont wanna talk about the fact i paid an arm and a leg for ts4 (i dont even play it?!) and now its free. forever going to be salty over this fact.

How has your ''Sims Style'' changed throughout your years of playing?

i'd like to think it has! considering my blog is old, i feel like it has grown with me and that reflects in the style of my sims. recently ive been striving for a slightly more realistic looks to my sims

Whats your Origin ID?

i do have an origin id unfortunately. (is it stil even called that?)

i have a lot of opinions on this new ea app bs. but we wont go into that.

Who's your favourite CC creator?

everyone! honestly anyone who has the skills to be able to make beautiful and functional cc are brilliant.

but just to name a couple:

@rollo-rolls

@smallsimmer

@martassimsbook

@sourlemonsimblr

@satellite-sims

How long have you had simblr?

I had to check my email for this.. as of feb 2023, my blog turned 9 years old?! so I guess almost 10 years. (thats kind of mad)

How do you edit your pictures?

depends on the picture! usually for scenery pics I will just sharpen them and adjust the brightness / saturation / contrast.

for sim pics it really just depends on how bothered I can be.

I’ve recently made the change to gshade so that’s been doing all the heavy lifting for me.

I use hunnybee’s moon syrups preset <3

What expansion/ stuff pack is your favourite?

university life!! it was the it was the first expansion pack i got and so it holds a special place in my heart. its also a pretty awesome pack too.

tagged:

@satellite-sims / @smallsimmer / @pixelevia @kitty-pixelz

check-in tag :] tagged by @bwaldorf tysm ramasha!! 💓💓 time to talk abt my blog for a bit

why did you choose your url?

i just really love follow: find you<3 one of the most mx albums of all time 💕🥳

any side blogs? if you have them: name them and why you have them

i mostly have inactive ones!! (old fandoms) but i can name some current sideblogs i use

untagged general references @hanamizake

photoshop resources @200410

langblr references @zhiluanpo

how long you’ve been on tumblr?

unfortunately a long time <3 since 2012 (tho this blogs from nov. 2020)

do you have a queue tag?

nope!! my queue is untagged both because its easier and because im indecisive with tags

why did you start your blog in the first place?

i remade back in october/november because i wanted a fresh start <3

why did you choose your icon?

i made it because blue hour era yeonjun took over my brain for a bit (he's still there)!!

why did you choose your header?

same as last 😭😭 i made it because i just Loved tht era + the pink mullet + goth cowboy look was so .... like . exactly my niche

what’s your post with the most notes?

had to break out the notes counter site across my 4 blogs ive had (old main + two old sideblogs)

this blog: this painting of oranges w/ a short poem i wrote! (2.7k)

old main: hate to admit its an old gameplay video bc i used to be an overwatch blog but it has 2.2k notes

sideblog 1: old fanmade mv 4.7k notes but i dont like to count it so we'll go with old fanart from jan 2020 w/ 1.7k notes!

sideblog 2: fanart w/ 960 notes:)

so like. technically that one video but ill count my oranges instead <3

how many mutuals do you have?

128!! most of my followers are muts 💓💓💓

how many followers do you have?

174 :] and im SO happy about it i hate having a large following im not joking 😭😭 once it gets above 1k its hell

how many people do you follow?

308 <3 i like to keep the number below 300 usually but whatever<3

have you ever made a shitpost?

that term literally means nothing anymore but like yeah probably <3 i like to make jokes ^_^

how often do you use tumblr each day?

like i dont actively use it every day but i sort of alternate between checking it occasionally and death scrolling... i usually have it open passively in a browser tab even if im doing other stuff

did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

fight? in public? with another BLOG? who WON??? babygirl im not that messy

how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

if theyre important informational posts i try to!! uhm. if its anything else tho where its just like.. guilt tripping over stupid shit i literally do not care babe ill block the post

do you like tag games?

YES i adore them its so so fun <3 i love getting tagged even if im nervous about tagging muts 💕🥰

do you like ask games?

yes yes yes <3 i dont do them often bc im either not online at the right time or i dont have the energy but i like sending them in to others when i see them :)

which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

god i dont know like what does that even mean anymore... i def have 2 muts who i REMEMBER vividly seeing them and their posts around a lot over the years and w/e so like.. maybe 2 of them <3 but i wont name names tht feels weird

do i have a crush on a mutual?

no but i DID originally meet and become online friends w/ my boyfriend because of tumblr + being mutuals years ago :)

tagging: @porthavens ; @sodrippy ; @gaemin ; @kihyunsgf & @transyebaiyi bc i know yall are okay with/like being tagged 💕🌸

Going on very long possibly permanent hiatus, please read!

Hey everyone, most of you have probably noticed i’ve slowly become less and less active, i’m not doing bad or anything i’m actually doing really great despite the fall out of my parents finding out about the nonbinary thing. But there’s a lot in my life i need to focus on right now and tumblr is way too negative and just way Too Much in like, every way. 

i spend so much time on here i regret and i’m surrounded by very negative and taxing things on a daily basis, no matter who i unfollow or blacklist. its gotten to the point i get irritated every time i see a post about any fandom of mine in a positive light or not, i don’t enjoy myself on here anymore or how everything is treated but i’m not gonna get into that. 

I’m cutting out negative sources and overly time consuming things i dont enjoy as much anymore out of my life and tumblr is so high up on the list, the problem is i’ve spent the last 4 years of my life on here and its one of the only places i feel free to be myself, but now i’ve reached a point where i dont need that anymore and ive grown comfortable with myself irl as well and although tumblr really did help my social and confidence skills for a long time, its stopped being something that helps me and ive realized that. I dont need it anymore and i enjoy myself much more in just the company of myself or my friends when it comes to content, and i dont have the energy to keep up this blog anymore.

That being said i wont be deactivating! im going to keep this blog up for whenever im on my laptop (i deleted all social media outside of instagram off my phone) ill check my messages for the few people i still talk to on here, and continue to talk! basically just check in to keep contact with my friends, and maybe an occasional thing about my art but im basically moving everything to instagram im much happier there and im very active, its mostly my art but kind of a day to day thing as well if you guys still wanna see me around! im reyven_claw if you guys would like to follow me and better communicate :) if you have an instagram please feel free to follow and tell me who you were on tumblr id love that! its a much better environment for my art and im a lot better at keeping up with people and having a good laugh there :p

This was a very hard decision for me to make since ive spent so much time on here and some of you ive followed for years, but its the best decision for me and im going to be much happier away from it all. Please feel free to unfollow you probably wont be seeing fandom content from me anymore, my mindset as of now is permanent but maybe someday ill decide to pop in again but thats unlikely. Thank you all so much for accepting me and sticking around through all my crazy multifandom mess! this place and the people i met here helped me more than i can ever say. :’) 

I just really need to focus on my life and what makes me happy and moving forward and this is just a step in doing that, i’m gonna learn how to drive soon im getting work experience volunteering at my library and teaching myself skills for the future and im reaching my inner happiness everyday, things have never been better for me and im going to keep making decisions to further that, good luck in life to everyone! i believe in you all :) i probs dont need to be so dramatic lol but ive known you guys so long figure this deserves proper explanation to my leaving. I’ll be self reblogging this continually for probably about a week or more!

I KNOW ITS BEEN LIKE 300 YEARS BUT-

5 things you’ll find in my bag

Right now theres uhh Notebooks, both school and 1 art. Drink mix ins, with such great flavors as sour apple jolly rancher and crush pineapple (tm) Two packs of cards, one of which steam punk themed and the other your regular ol bicycle. A calculator. Its a shitty old one but its for tests, i have google and shit for anything i need myself.

5 things you’ll find in my bedroom

A roommate. Idk if he is gay or what but he isnt straight, name’s will. Chill dude. Sleepin rn, what a fella MY SICK ASS COMPUTER IM MISSING OUT ON BECAUSE MY ROOMMATE IS ASLEEP AAAAAAAAAAAAAA I WANNA PLAY ROCKET LEAGUE WITHOUT LAGGING TO HELL also programming my mods. Need to upload that shit. Shit what number we on, 3? Okay cool. A bed. Wow really a bed in your bedrooM? yeah its pretty fuckin spectacular i know. I dont have posters n shit so like i gotta be creative you feel. A microfridge. Now i know what youre thinking, “ah a small fridge whats the big deal?” but no you dont understand, its a microwave fucking bolted onto the top of a fridge. They gave zero fucks attaching these two together and apparently the name is the same way, WHY NOT A FRIDGEWAVE EVEN LIKE MICROFRIDGE JUST SOUNDS LIKE A SMALL FRI- Last but not least, im tempted to just say my wallet here tbh, cuz its old but like, youd EXPECT that now would you? Something boring and mundane for me to fill out the word count with making everything super exciting so nah man, fuck it. Theres air in my bedroom. Fight me.

5 things I’ve always wanted to do in my life

Make a videogame. Like okay, a lot of stuff on this list is jokes and stuff, and I know im going into too much detail and my followers will probably murder me in cold blood for this shit, but im serious about this one like - i have some ideas, but i never have the motivation alone to like work whole-heartedly and finish one but like, at some point in the future id love to sit down and just go at it and make a game. Doesnt matter if its popular or big or small just i wanna make something that i love ya feel? I wanna like, go to newark, delaware. I know, its delaware and all, no one lives there, but ive met a bunch of cool people there and i was promised a donut run sometime, so lookin forward to that. Yknow that post awhile back that was like “i dont wanna be rich and like buy shit, i just wanna have enough money to throw at kickstarters whenever i want without having to strain on my food and rent costs” thats me. 100% Like i wanna have just enough money to be able to donate to cool people and watch them do cool shit - it wont always work out but thats fine, I just love shit. I wanna be able to donate like the high prize and fly out to meet these game studios for coffee and shit and just talk with em and see their passion and ideas. I love it. Im not actually really sure besides those. Like idk. I think itd be cool to enter a game tournament with my brother and win, but i doubt thatll happen and its not super like on my desires just itd be cool cuz we named ourselves Sora and Shiro after NGNL and to see that like, have us win would be great. Yeah. Ill make my fifth to think of a fifth one.

5 things on my to do list

FLOPPY DICKS i mean disks. Floppy disks. I do binding of isaac ab+ modding shit, and im currently working (its mostly done for what i want it to do) which adds a new consumable called floppy disks, effects are based on viruses, bugs, and just computer based shit. Like BSOD for instance, which makes the screen literately bluescreen. Or atleast look like it. Cant wait to watch people play with it. I gotta work on the programming class project too but honestly i dont waannnaaa. Like its cool as shit. Recreate a card game using c++ code. But man, i just love Apocrypha and Floppies so much more. Eat today???? Please. Dining hall opens in 3 hours. Its goddamn 4 am. I want my food. Dunno if ill get it - if ill stay awake till then. But i want it. Probably draw some stuff? Like i posted one drawing already (check it out if u wanna ;) kay?) but like theres wacom tablets here i can just kinda use whenever???? its great. I love being able to just draw stuff on em. Even if i suck at drawing, even if it took 10 hours to make the one i posted here, still love. Probably play more rocket league. Sleep first, soon as i get that food im CRASHIN BOI IM OUTTIE HA but uhh, rocket league has a halloween thing rn and i like playing it. Was playing earlier today and i matchd with a dude in 2v2 that had the same car, skin, AND colors set up as mine. Totaly random. We kicked some major ass together. I kept thinking of the same hat comic the entire time. (also my card was superior because it had furry ears on it ;))

5 things that make me happy

Getting an idea for a thing and working at said thing until like boom it went from this abstract idea to now it has a physical form and it works! And its fun and its great and i can share it with other people and they can have fun too!!!! that feeling is wonderful.  Obviously friends man. Just doing shit with people can be so great sometimes - like not all the time sure but like man. Its nice to talk to people and share experiences and just smile and tell bad jokes and have them groan but like it anyway like thats the shit. Going out at 2 am and walking to a nearby run down schoolyard and swinging on the swingsets and watching shooting stars burn up. Thats the good shit. Getting tents and setting em up in your friends back yard when your friend from far away comes up for a few days, and playing ridiculous games in a group like kick the can or fuckin zombie screaming your lungs out in the dark to freak em out, or just talkin around a fire about fuckin life man. The people make life great. Shits worth living for. I realize that last answer covered a LOT of shit but like, im just gonna add here videogames. Would be amiss if i didnt mention that, considering the rocket league rant above lmao. Yeah i better not make this category any longer.

5 things I’m (currently) into

Isaac modding, probably will be for awhile. Its good shit. As a suggestion from one of the people I work with (we also fuck around its a good time) i have started watching space dandy. Its a slow progress through lol like an episode or two a day but god man like its pretty ridiculous and the main character is pretty much everything i was expecting from seeing him everywhere. Rocket league again. It comes and goes with various different games to tide me over, give me a break from working. Bout 2 months ago or so said relaxing time was dominated by anime - i suddenly went on like a massive streak of watching shit. By that i mean, i watched all of hunter x hunter in like 2 weeks, among other shows prior to it. But yeah. Fuck man HXH I LOVED THE KING WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I have too many emotions about that. I wrote a rant to the Groupchat (tm) about the fucking battle and how everything is in slow motion but it fucking like makes it like foreshadowed and have so much of an impact and still so much fucking happens even while everything runs at super slow mo just GOD KLASFJBHUGHASFIUHIPJASK anyway. Yeah. Music, as always im listening to like constantly. Wireless headphones are a wonder for this, but uhh....i cant say im especially into any specific thing rn right? Like a bit ago i was super into joywave and then that faded out and now im just listening to whatever random shit, yknow? But I am into music in general. Its good. Art! A lot of times i dont do shit like for drawing right, like especially not in like pencil in notebooks but like, i sorta started doing a lot more art stuff? Like i had a period awhile back last year where i stopped using pencils and used only pens and i just loved the aesthetic of the ink like how it looked (funny how im doing the opposite of the fucking inktober though, huh?) but yeah im back into using pencils to draw shit occasionally. Im still terrible at drawing people (which is what i see mostly everyone drawing on tumblr lmao RIP) but its fun to sketch stuff out and just let my thoughts run and bounce to some music and shit right? Also the tablets. Especially with the tablets.

5 things people may not know about me (at least on tumblr)

I basically constantly wear sweatshirts, and they all have like earbuds where the strings go. All the earbud shits are broken pretty much, like occasionally they work (the one i have rn does) but like, i dont ever really use them? i have wireless headphones for my phone and a headset (because i need the mic for my computer) for said computer so like, idk. But yeah. I rarely take em off when im not home, and sometimes even when i am i just kinda keep em anyway? (also just now i realized i talked in the section for room shit about all the stuff in my current dorm, my room at home has all KINDS of wierd fucking shit in it. Really missed an opportunity there.) Like many people i like to stay hydrated and shit, but drinking water all the time seemed like a chore more than anything so i got like drink mix ins and shit, mio’s or whatever offbrand version you can find at your local SUPERSTORE CONGLOMERATE. I drink em like all the time pretty much so atleast im health in one way :P. Also gummy vitamins. I dont excercise but you can only ask for so much. Idk, its hard to think of things for this section because tumblr knows so little about me yknow? Like i never make my own posts or shit like its SUPER rare so im pretty much just tryna find random facts but that might not be interesting? Like i have a bad habbit of like talking way too loud when im excited about something right? Not quite yelling but like getting there and like idk. See? Thats not super interesting but it is something no one online would be able to really know ya feel? Idk. I mean physically im kinda fat as you do, but im also like wierdly strong? Like for someone who never works out i sure do have arm strength if nothing else lmao. My endurance is shit tho. Honestly? I can only blame it on osu and groceries. Osu is just a game i like where you mash buttons to the beat of weaboo shit tier music. The groceries is just because like, well, my policy is Least Trips Possible which means carrying in 13 bags at a time if need be it, fuck it milk too? And a watermellon? Bring it. 

Who am I tagging? Idk man. Just for shits and stuff tho i do wanna tag @theoriginalyami just to see what all’s changed in teh long time since i actually went to fill it out :P Dont feel like you have to add as much as me tho omg @milkchocolateowl because honestly? love you. Think about you a lot, just like glad im mutuals with that ray of sunshine. Good. @fantaledfish <3 (this is the friend i mentioned earlier, runs a QUALITY blog i guarantee it, better than mine for sure) @dragonfucker-supreme always top in my notes, a silent bond, like two guards assigned to watch back to back in the early dawn. Birds gather round. I can only tag so many people (i set myself a limit of 5 because...idk why i just mentally it felt right) so for my last trick gotta go with @ask-oncies-jizz like cmon man name changes for the win, also has quality icons and quality shitposts tbh, supreme top meme. Have fun yall.

When Suicidal Ideation is the norm

All the help in the world becomes a muddy puddle of shitty affirmations, thorned gaslighting, and useless guilt. If one more person tells me "have you tried yoga/deepbreaths/vitamin B..." Ugh. Who am i kidding? This is tumblr, where you can always find somone who says exactly what you are thinking ( #omgmetho #datme #meirl ). Weve all heard the "stop giving advice and atart taking it " speech, we're all likely to have read some post about the "evils" and " abuses" of therapy and inpatient treatment, and I'll bet a paper hat, some vending machine doodad, or some shitty-yet-adorably-hipsterly prize that within 100 reblogs someone links to some news article about "Queer Youth Completes Suicide And We Think You Will Pay Us to Feel Bad About It, Don't Forget To Like, Share, and Subscribe to Trevor Project, Your Reblog Will Save A Life (And Keep Us Relevant For Our Advertisers)." Tomorrow(well, next daylight hours) my 26-year-old depressed college freshman self is going to walk into my schools coubseling office and tell them i never recieved the location for the therapist they reffered me to (true story--Honestly not avoiding treatmwnt, even if it is useless) and request a second referral. Ill sit through some lecture about self-advocacy veiled in "concerned questions" and once again be misgendered, deadnamed, and criticized for giving a fuck (note: commenters looking to describe me with the word "cuck," i see you there, good for you, let me know how that white kkknight holier than thou red pill rage fest dopamine addiction is filling the gaping void of existential dread within you). After that, there is always a small chance they'll see just how depressed i am, and faster than you can say "looney is a word based in misogynistic beliefs of womens mental health and menstrual cycles being unhealthily and unscientifically connected to the moon," ill be fielding questions which boil down to "do you want to kill yourself" and "do you have a plan." By this time in my life, i've gotten pretty used to BSing my way around psychology. All it really takes is knowing that all they can take you on is your word, and nothing else. "Do you want to kill yourself?" they ask, and i reply "*short pause, heavy, short exhale denoting weight and truth* Well, yeah. But quite frankly, suicidal ideation is a part of my everyday life- nothing i do isn't plagued with some form of "i should wrap this mouse cord aroubd my neck and die" or " i wonder if that branch is strong enough to support my weight" or "man, my head hurts, but i bet a bottle or two of ibuprofen could make it stop." For me, its not a question of wanting to die, its a matter of what do i have to live for, and ive been through enough inpatient DBT and group therapy to help me cope, using breathing techniques and self-care tips to push me through the worst of it." This is usually if not always all they need to hear. Sure, im depressed, but anything they could tell me is something i know and am already doing-i sound to them more like a patient leaving inpatient than one entering it. Our hospitals are overfilled, understaffed, prqctucally unfunded; if im "stable" im staying out of their ledger book. Occasionally, they still worry, having one of those "consciences" their peers claim to have lost when a schizophrenic patient tried to bite their ear off, and ask a follow up "but are you sure? You seem distressed, and if you need some help, we are here for you," to which all i have to do is look at them through sad, but strong eyes and say "Thank you, but i have a great support network of friends and of course, my boyfriend. He's fantastic, and one of the most important things to have happened to me. He keeps me on this side of the dirt." A small tired chuckle, and their focus diverts towards affirmations of how good it is to have support, their therapy brains running on autopilot. Then all it needs is some "active" listening, uh-huhs, and compliant assurance that ill keep working on myself to assuage them of any guilt or corncern. Maybe, though, ill tell them the truth, and let them take me in. Three hots and a cot, after all. I'll fight through my dysphoria as they ogle every nook and cranny of my malformed body trying to see if im hiding a weapon or some drugs; I'll continue to insist on a private room and remind them calmly yet firmly that no, i will *not* room with a male, and their lack of knowledge on how to treat a transgender non-binary patient is well behind on proper treatment according to WPATH, the APA, and our state govt. When i get a room, theyll say that i should take as much time as i need to get acclimated, and not worry about what the rwat of group is qorking on, and then contradict themselves within 5 minutes and say i need to go to group, theyre waiting on me. In my fresh new scrubs, ill walk in and within seconds, ill identify how th staff monitors who came in when (usually different colored scrubs based on different halves of the week, and of course, anyone likely to leave within 48 hours wearing "normal" clothes), and see the therapist or doctor talking about emotional management techniques. When i sit down, eeyes will be on me, some with looks of angey jusgemwnt, some with awe and wonder: what could THEY be in for? The group leader will ask me my name, ill state it and my pronouns (to several uncomfortable shifts in the room), and theyll let me know what they were talking about. Ill make a good effort to participate, play along, etc. Someone in the group will be desperate to control the conversation, talking more and more as if this entire experience is just for them- another person will be too dissociated to say anyrhing, despite the doctors attebpts to get them to open up. Already, the cliques will become apparent; humans are aocial creatures, after all. When we leave for the next scheduled activity (either rec or lunch, depending on the time) the docs will be watching me- im on suicide watch, and they expe t me to jump out a window or try and slit my wrists with a paperclip or something. Im not a danger in this regard; ive been threatened with solitary and ECT if i dont comply before- i am their prisoner and i must comply. Within an hour or two of being there, ill be able to notice how well funded they are (or more likely, arent.) The quality of their reading materials; the availability of puzzles abd how well taken care of they appear. Recreation will be the most bare of kindergarden activities; coloring books, maybe a tv with basic cable. A daycare for adults, abd not the cool buzzfeed articles. Someone, probably an addict, will be trying to fanangle their attendee into giving them special treatement- a snack, or an extra smoke break. I'll be sitting in a corner, smirking- the staff arent even an eigth as dumb as this person thinks, and they've seen this type before. They might get something, but itll cost them sour looks from staff and less accommodating treatment with the doctors. After the second hour, we'll have another activity (second group, rec, or maybe "outside time" if its a particularly fancy facility; while the sun will certainly be shining, our feelings of freedom will be dampened by the high fances and walls keeping us from getting away). This is usually wheb the realization sets in that im stuck here for 72 hours plus, and ill be counting them down to stave off boredom. 15-30 minutes in to this third hour, ill be called in to meet tye psychiatrist, fisrt meeting with an attendee to fill out the generic details, then 30-45 minutes of diagnosis before im told ill be put on ab antidepressant, an anxiolytic, and tramodol, a sedative marketed as "something to help me sleep" and "another antidepressant" which makes me laugh every time. Tramodol is the auppressant, the "slow down" drug which helps keep everyobe on a nice, calm level thats safer for the orderlies. Were i violent, id concur; instead, i begin to wonder how long it will take before i no longer feel persistently asleep once i leave. A couple weeks, likely. Hopefully, the food will be good, but not likely 5 star- one place ive stayed had been cooking for us in the break room, sometimes PB&J, sometimes microwaved quesadillas. Maybe theyll have more drink options than coffee, water, and sugar-free koolaid- maybe not. Likely not. Some of us will complain; most of us will know it is a fruitless endeavor. After another group or two, it will be dinner, then wrap up group. We will discuss what progress we think we made today, and be sent to bed after meds are distributed in little paper ketchup cups. Most places wont do the "cuckoos nest" tongue check, but some will, particularly the ones with kleptos and pill ODers. Lights oyt will be around 10 pm, the beds will be plasticky and the blankets thin, and sleep will only cone rhanks to our sedatives. Day two, we'll be woken early, around 6-7, by an orderly checking our blood pressure and body temp. Well all gather in the hallway, rubbing sleep out of our eyes and head to the eating area for breakfast- which loooking back will likely be the best meal of the day, not the least be ause we have access to augar and caffiene. By now, i will likely have made a friend, probably with an older woman or two, and we will enjoy surreptitiously smirking at each other when the teoublemaker patwnt tries to get an omlette or something silly. Someone will start telling fanciful stories dreamed up in the night; talk will eventually turn to who is leaving today. The orderlies will be trying to not look too interested in what we reveal to each other instead of them. They will not succeed in this. Ths first morning they will use as a test of how i deal with frustration. An older nurse will act exasperated, as though taking care of me is a curse she was tasked with. She will try to cut theough any response i give her, and rudely discount anything i try to say, as if accuaing me of lying. Knowing it is coming doesnt help it hurt less. If it overwhelms me, ill be labeled as dramatic- if not, as detached. Sluggish from the new medications, i will be treated as though i ahould not be here, and will be led aroubd more quickly than i am rady to be. I will notice that part of it is that i am beginning to realize how broken down i feel i am. Reaching out will result in canned answers and "the doctor is busy's". After all, this iant about me, and theyve seen my type before. At lunch, i will be upset by the bland meal, abd ask if they have any hot sauce, or maybethey will be out of a preferred tea, or the food will not be enough to feed me. The newcomer who arrived at morning group will share a look with the quiet patient. I will try not to notice the parallels. A therapist will ask to talk to me today. It may be a nice session, but will essebtially boil down to "let me give you ideas for solving your problems, so that your depression seems more managed." By the end of the day, they will already begin my release plan. Theyve fixed me, they are sure. I will also get my clothes back. The aurvey will be slightly different today; instead of asking on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being best abd 10 being worst how was my day, it will be the opposite: scale of 1-10 with 1 being worst and 10 being best. This way, they can track how much is me being honest, and how much is me remembering numbers to fake it. (Once, a nurse messed up so often that it was a sentence by sentence change). Later, if there is any improvement, it will be used by the hospital as signs that treatment is helping; if it gets worse, that i had a rough day and shouldnt think much of it. Bedtime will come, and i will relish it- being sedated takes a lot out of a person. When morning comes, the eggs will feel soggy and cereal with be a much better choice. A bagel will be carried into morning group and more DBT will be discussed. I will mostly be checked out; they are pulling most of their material from a 12 step program, and the leader is a student of psychology learning how to help people, but ive heard it all before, and that sense of guilt just pushes me towards suicide harder. At this point, ill feel just how desperate they are to get me out; nurses eill hint at things being the "wrong" answer with " you dont REALLY mean that, do you sweetie?" and " well, you cant keep thinking THAT way, or we'll have to keep you here longer." Boredom and longing for home will encourage me to pretend to be better, and not tell them how last night before falling asleep i stared at the vedfrane wondering if i could take it apart and form a springwire noose, or tear the blankets to make a rope. When they ask if im feeling better, it will actually mean "are you done with your timeout from reality? Have you learned how to fit in properly yet?" The meds wont really begin having a noticable effect for months- they know im lying. What they hope for is a glimmer of hope and a mountain of guilt for wanting to hurt others by hurting myself. Ill fake those, too. Still, ill be misgendered. Still, theyll blame hormones and buzzfeed rather than neurology and chemistry. After all, im well-adjusted, not at all like the Caitlyn Jenners and Wachowskis they read about on their facebooks. Its just a phase, and im just confused. I didnt try to hurt myself- nothing is *really* wrong with me. What can i do? Try and strangle myaelf, or others? That just means im lashing out, and ill get a new med regime and another 3 days, this time strapped down. Being strapped to a bed and left alone is mind-numbingly boring. If i tell them i still want to kill myaelf, theyll just nod their head and tell me it will go away soon; if i say i have a plan, rheyll keep me playing chess and reading AA papers until i apologize. Their job is not to fix me, their job is to stabilize me and make sure i dont break myself more. The fixing is my responsibility. Day four is release day. They will claim i have made improvements and have me fill out an action plan for when i feel depressed again. It will include people i can call, and ways i can push through bad feelings. It is my exit exam.when i pass, ill be set up with a therapist outside the hospital later in the week, and told how to connect with various resources. They will think i didnt know there were trans support groups. I will think that if it was just a support group i needed, i wouldnt dream of death. Neither of us will admit these things. And so, ill come back to school. Late on homework, i will have to prostrate myaelf with dictors note beggibg for forgiveness. I will get it, more due to policy than empathy, and at the end of the day, i will lay in bed, stare up at the ceiling, and contemplate which of my top three anchor spots would be the best ending to my story. Other than medical bills, nothing will have changed. Life drones on. I think i understand why death seems,so much better. In death, i can pretend there is a solution. In death, i can imagine a cure. In death, i can envision a caretaker and easier existence. It doesnt matter that death is the end of it all- i can pretend it willl be more, and my imagination can create many comforts in that void. But even death is a lie, and nothing will ever stop hurting.