#ill be so happy when the week is over
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i'll be very busy with york next week, so i probably won't be able to come here often, but its cockles-anniversary next week and i miss them, so i went though the cockles masterlist and added a lot of posts to my queue. So have fun with all the cockles content next week :)
#personal#dont look forward to this work thing we have next week#ill be so happy when the week is over
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I should've been sleeping before my flight but instead I drew Seb as Antinous :D
Reference + Commentary:
SEB IS MY MODERN DAY ANTINOUS, OKAY!? I WOULD DEIFY HIM IF I COULD!!!
But seriously I spent like an hour obsessing over statues of Antinous just thinking; "holy fuck, he reminds me so much of Seb???"
Big, pretty eyes? Check. Magnificent curls? Check. Beautiful side profile? Check. Etc etc.
I read this description of a statue and was instantly struck with "this is so Seb.":
"The body and face of this sculpture are in idealized youth, with plump cheeks and round face, and his hair is usually unkempt. Antinous's hair has also been described as artificial looking, even wig-like, because of how similar the placement of his hair is across statues. His youthful appearance, large eyes, pouting lips, and layered locks of hair over his forehead are some of the iconography that can be used to identify him"(x)
Also which AU of mine is this hmmm. It can be either the Renaissance Muse AU(x) or the random Roman Caesar Fernando AU(x) I drew it with the latter in mind(bcs its basis is literally just Hadrian and Antinous), but it's fun to imagine the Martian version as well!! Maybe an AU of an AU, where Mark is Pygmalion, and Seb is Galatea 🤭🤭
#I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MY BRAIN#cant draw all week when i have limitless free time#and then when i should really be sleeping: boom suddenly can draw something again#i am so tired rn its horrible. my flight got delayed so ill try and get a bit of sleep but yeah....#HAPPY WITH THIS THOUGH#tried to color it regularly and i didnt like it so then i made it more marbley ykow#but now i cant stop thinking of seb as antinous#THERES SO MANY GOOD STATUES AND BUSTS AND THEYRE BOTH SO PRETTY AAAAHHHH#this is just the boy king statue all over again okay.....(nothing can be as good as that tho hahaha)#well yes anyways antinous = seb. thats my new historical thesis#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#f1 fanart#formula 1 fanart#catie.art.#sv5#renaissance muse au
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Hey babes, sorry I've been dead, but I coulda been literally dead if I had not gone.
I didn't hurt myself and we're still figuring things out. I would love to share but I've already forgotten what I've learned. I hope I get more guidance and time for healing and learning on how to lead my life in a better direction than where I was. But that takes time and effort.
I hope to get some rest, get some support, and get it together. But right now, I don't think it's healthy for me to worry about art in the way I do now. I may not express it here, but trying to maintain my art endeavors/projects while there's so much bullshit going on backstage is not helping me. Especially since I'm not even obligated to do so. But trying to force myself to do something I am currently unable to do will just make me feel worse. I'll follow my dreams and passions one day, but I've been putting off the healing process for years.
So I guess it's better to get better now so I can get the ball rolling again. Why drive on a flat tire?
#i was in there for a week and ill continue partial hospitalization for a few weeks#i hope i learn more and i hope i get specific help to my issues. because whay i learned there didnt directly pertain to me#but having structured daily life felt nice. but it wasnt all relaxing because there were still responisibilites on the outside world#tapping on the window or calling me on the phone. chose the best time for a meltdown. i have taxes and credit card bills to take care of#but if i stress about it now ill jsut be going back to the ER and thats no good. the hospital was so cold dude im glad im home with blankets#this is mr octopus again. im glad i broguh hom to work. i went straight to er from work and if i had no plushie with me#i probably would have stayed longer or be even more mentally unstable and distressed. its good to have comfort items#i dont think i want to know ehat if be like without some kind of companion or grounding item with me. i dont want to imagine me without em#its okay to have a little friend with you. i would be so distraught. everyone loved me there#the nurses the patients the residents yhe social workers the students#mr. octopus made them happy because of his big smile and mine too. the people there did not expect the mass amoutns of stress and depression#in this bubbly happy baby witb a happy pink octopus. one of the patients thought it was the meds the happy pills they gave me#no im jsut naturally like this. or artificially like this. i still dont know how to express or understand my feelings#if what im showing is real or not because i know ill be the happiest in the room wherever i go. maybe its a front or a mask#but when im like that kinda hard to know whats really underneath. they always ask me if im okay but i turn to myself#and its nondescript like ive put a blanket over how i really feel. its weird. the bubbly energy is blinding.#words#mr octopus#mental health#doodles
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waiting to post the next to be apart chapter because i need to review One paragraph and my only writing friend is asleep.
im still pretty busy but gotta make the most of cringe day Wednesday amiright
#to be apart#should be up afternoonish i just need to look at this when ive slept so uhhh#anyway might as well post about it#happy cringe day Wednesday#i try to post most wednesdays for the record#not something im committed to but usually ill have something i clean up throughout the week and then go over it like 3 times on Tuesday#but yknow it depends#there’s still plenty of backlog right now#semi related i need more writing friends
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#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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i dont wanna count the weeks i just feel sad
#i hate crying and the only thing worse than crying is crying in public so no crying#we are not fucking crying get a fucking hold of yourself bitch#anywya its been like just over a month#what an awful fucking existence#had to talk to my therapist last week abt the fact that everything is just kinda horrible rn#nothing is good eerything even things i like and make me happy are just a little bit awful#bc i feel awful#i dont wanna eat i dont wanna go places i force myself to exist when id rather just curl into a ball and fade into nothing#quit fucking crying bitvch this is pathetic get a fcuking hold of yourself your moms dead get over yourself theres no time to be sad rn#got shit to do and a fuck ton to worry abt put the emotions in a little fucking box go get a pastry or smth jfc#maybe ill do some work#if my hands would stop shaking thatd be nice i probably need to eat but i rlly just dont want to hm#id go home but i prolly shouldnt drive when im in this sorta mood :/#the mood swings are sooooo fucking bad btw lmao#vent#idk how to tw tag this ugh#this isnt even abt anything im just talking rn
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ill never be good enough at anything
#vent#events of today only proved it#im genuinely so close to giving up completely#i dont feel happy when I draw because I know its not good enough and im ashamed when others see it because I know they think the same thing#I dont feel satisfied or accomplished when finishing schoolwork because I know others will have done it better and responded better and im#the stupidest person of the entire class. some things I just dont understand but I know everyone else or lots of others did#i cant do anything right. i cant socialize correctly. i cant remember to do anything. i cant keep any stable relationships#i know if i get a job they'll ly me off or fire me within days max weeks. i dont expect to be able to hold down a job for long#i dont have the skills necessary to become what I want to be which is a meteorologist. i struggle in math and that career is a lot of math#i actually want to be an artist too but ill die a lonely death. i cant even do this class. and artists are not paid enough to survive#hell what I do right now with art in my spare time is much worse than others. a mouse and microsoft paint. both arent good enough#i cant not compare myself to others. i know that they're all better than me. and im around these people every day and see it on social medi#i really want to put my art in our shredder and permanently delete files. i want to drop out. i dont know what to do with myself because i#know that im not good enough for anything except lay in bed like the depressed piece of shit i am and end up getting kicked out#i thought about just leaving class today and throwing myself down the stairwell from the top floor i was already on#just over the barrier thats right next to the first flight of stairs that prevents people from falling off the stairs from a height#the one you can look down and see the following flight of stairs. just throw myself down from that and hurt myself significantly.#ive been thinking about jumping again. from a new part of campus thats higher than where i initially wanted to fall from#if not those then sl!t my wrist or run into traffic#i just need to d!e. There's no room for someone as worthless as me#i cried when I came home today because im just done. i cant carry on and itd be better if i didnt. itd be preferred.
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guess who got a JOB 👈👈😎
#idk how itll actually be but it sounds good in theory!!!#they can do my hours + benefits!!! on part time!!! (GOOD benefits too!!!) PLS LET IT WORK OUT....PRAYER CIRCLE#i dont start until MAYBE next week (or later depending on the speed of the background check/drug test stuff) BUT....it SOUNDS good to me#ill be workin Alone for the most part...just Vibin in my Own Area...free food/drinks too!!#i rly would like for it to work . bc this was GREAT TIMING i lose my dads insurance v v soon like 1 month T_T was starting to sweat over it#AND ITS NOT FAST FOOD OR RETAIL (HUGE W IF I HAD TO GO BACK I WOULD START BAWLING)#+ the boss seemed v nice and chill (and had sick tats) (I DONT HAVE TO DYE MY HAIR A NORMIE COLOR EITHER!!! DOUBLE W)#sanchoyorambles#very very happy. and so nervous i will probably puke#there were no interview questions btw it was just us cracking jokes + paperwork i got hired on the spot B)#i mean /i/ had questions but like none of the usual bs like#'where do u see urself in 5 years. why is this ur ideal job' type shit which was GREAT bc i hate those qs SO MUCH#we all know im here for money. and benefits. we do not need 2 play these games#but actually dishwasher or janitor kinda IS my ideal job?? so??? lol actually#i LIKE chill jobs where im cleaning things im GOOD at it when i had a higher pressure job where my work actually like#could influence HOW WELL AMBULANCES WORKED. IF I MISREAD A BLUEPRINT OR DIDNT DO MINOR THINGS RIGHT. THATWAS SCARY AND TOO MUCH PRESSURE#i mean my real dream job is artist/writer/otherwise creative in nature but. yknow! not realistic rn so....we r doing what we gotta 😤#i...will try very hard this time#i NEED that debt to be paid off fr
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ITS OCTOBER!!!!
anyways its been a while!!! hi how r u all doing!!!!!! tell me in the tags how ur doing RIGHT NOW. or dont!!!!! either way its chill :p ive been busy with school and stuff but i drew this 2day cuz its the weekend and i had time and motivation!!! i hope u all like it :]
#bugs tw#<- jic#creepypasta#nina the killer#happy october everyone!!!!!!! im super excited 2 bust out the box costume that ive worn every year for 3 years now. itll be super hype#anyways like i said ive been busy with skool n shit so i havent been able 2 make art very much#FUCK high school actually!! i do not like it in there!!!! i daresay it sucks ass#whatever. when im not being tormented by history and ela ive been busy with cybergrind runs n spl4t00n 3!!!! its real fun :3#all the motivation 4 my art has been put towards this 1 thing im working on#hopefully ill b able 2 show it off on here eventually!!!! :D#but alas im not even like halfway done with it yet. siiiiiiigh. u_u#oh also!!!! in case anyone is curious my cg hiscore is 34!!!! not the best by any means but im pretty proud of it xP#ul/tk is still my BIG BIG BIG super special interest rn. so yeah. im the u1tr4ki11 guy now!!! still trying 2 figure out how 2 draw-#+all the guys from it consistently but once i figure out how 2 draw robots n shit its OVER 4 u guys. youll never see anyone else on-#+ur dash ever again!!!!!! probably!!!!#so yeah!!!!!!! i hope ur all having good days or weeks or whatever like i am!!!! cuz ive been pretty ok albeit a little overworked#:] <3!!!
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I really am the most embarrassing person when I like someone lmao
#eden speaks#i really had my best friend drive me all the way to the boy i likes work so i could visit him during his shift#and then i was awkward 😭😭#i was stupid and hit a friends pen a few too many times and i was high as hell when i went which made interacting so h a r d#i told him beforehand that i was high too so i prewarned him that id probably sound stupid lmao#i should've smoked after i saw him#he had a face mask to hide under too since he has to wear one for work and i was just perpetually awkward#i was so busy trying to look normal and overthinking that i forgot to say bye to him lmao i was like#im... im gonna go over there and then i left like what kind of exit is that smh#i see him again today i think we're going on like... kind of a date of sorts? we're going thrift shopping#originally i thought we were going with his rommates but from the questions hes been asking me i think it might just be us#hes so pretty i kept getting flustered when i looked at his eyes when i saw him yesterday#like sir your brown eyes are my weakness#we've been texting like non stop every day for a while now so clearly he feels some kind of way about me its the only thing that makes sense#when i get paid im gonna get him this sanrio and jjk collab shirt because he loves jjk and i love sanrio and if he likes it ill be so happy#we're gonna see the fnaf movie next week im so excited i gotta get a fnaf tshirt or something when i go to buy his shirt#i asked him to go with me on that one and im so excited for it#okay let me stop rambling lmao my ass never knows when i stop#*when to stop
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👍👍
#im bout to be whiny before getting nauseated at being kimda vulnerable and end up deleting this but just#shoutout to my friend (who was the only person i ever shared my writing with for over a year)#just telling me they've always just skimmed my fics AND infodumps because they dont care. like has read at most a handful of me talking &#usually skips any rare audio message that i sent when SUPER excited and made up drama to have an excuse to change topics#again. for over a year.#then getting guilt trippy when i was hurt by it until i apologize instead which !! lmao fuck ok !#its just... very hmpth :/ bc it eas already a shitty night and week of nonstop migraine. and then this#and taking into account im someone who NEVER blocks any of my friends tags or doesnt read and invest myself in their interests#even if i dont like it; i love seeing people (even strangers) excited and talking about what they like so of course im going to#at least watch them talk on it and/or actually research into it because i want to be able to understand their happiness!#and because its whats important to them !! i dont expect the same and im not shaming anyone for not doing the same its fine I guess#but to tell me? and to say they dont read my writing or give a single shit about me talking about something#when i always put 100% into their interests? am i that shitty of a writer and that obnoxious to listen to lmao#like i feel shitty for even being hurt over it and even venting because you guys arent here for that and its mean to force it on ur dash#and i dont want to be too whiny but also. jfc man#ill stay silly starting tomorrow and post about batmans balls or whatever. sorry for the vent just. bleh.#that ‘december please bro please im begging just a break please man’ post but its me throughout this February too apparently
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2/10/23
goal: 1000 / total: 821 / extra burned: 100 / net: 720 / weight: 94.5
disappointed in this. wouldve been less but i kinda blanked while eating goldfish and forgot to count them out bc i was too busy sorting them. oops. well its not that bad. i didnt end up getting to do my usual stuff so the day was very hard. i had planned to wait to eat till later or not at all but around 8pm i started feeling very ill and shakey so i decided to eat. unfortunate but whatever.
mad at myself for being hungry this morning since i had over 800 yesterday. my body is so pathetic. i fed it so much yesterday but even still.
#ugh. 821 thats so much i feel so bad#i know that ill still definitely lose weight if im eating that much daily but i feel pathetic for not going lower even when i wasnt#exercising. the main reason im able to maintain 97 and still eat 2000 a day is bc i exercise so much every day#my sedentary tdee is 1400 and i burn so much extra every day so it works out. i guess im lucky that my main coping mechanism that i use to#feel regulated and also happy (basically a hobby tbh) involves exercising. idk daydreams are more vivid when i skip around#makes me forget my body exists. and i do it so much that i burn a whole lot of calories#ugh. my body hurts rn. i should eat but idk what. should i go higher now and lower later or vice versa#im allowing myself to be ok with higher numbers today. nothing above 1100 but above 800 is ok#think its kinda silly that i always SAY my limit is 1000 but its actually not. but if i set my limit to anything less than im actually more#likely to meet it or go over. i more frequently get totals of 500 with this limit. i tell myself i can have a bigger meal later and then it#comes to bedtime and instead of eating i just go to bed. qhen its a lower amount i know i wont be able to eat anything larger so i am#doing way more counting of cals on everything to figure out what to eat later and it messes me up#and eating over 800 2 times a week isnt so bad. ill still lose weight. i feel bad tho. like im not disordered enough#but 800 is still a very small amount
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woke up in a cold sweat and wrote 1k kazumaji in Okinawa last night. got possessed by the ghost of Majima's longing i guess. 4am me left it without a proper resolution and i cant decide if i wanna write an ending or leave it hanging for thematic purposes
#i keep saying ill make happy Okinawa content one day and everytime i write it im a fucking liar#what can i say. the inherent fear that a peaceful life wont last forever hangs over the orphanage like a cloud#read it when i found it in my notea app after work and immediately got mad at 4am me so thats a good sign lmao#trying to make myself write drabbles more so i can be prepared for kazumaji week this month#meant to finish a goromi fic in time for her week and failed 😔 but by god im working to write these old men#bulletin board
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Tomorrow I am going to buy baldurs gate as soon as I've finished work and I am BUZZING WITH EXCITEMENT
#delete later#good luck to me sleeping tonight#and i gotta write my report tomorrow but ive finished the coding part of the project#im excited#im so happy work is nearly finished for a week#and im staying home!!! im gonna eat good food and play fun games and make chainmail!#Christmas makes me so much happier when i just ignore most of it. its too overwhelming otherwise#ill probably watch the muppets christmas carol bc i love the Muppets but otherwise i honestly like treating it so casually#i think i just find big holidays so overwhelming that i need to keep things level. same as my birthday. i dread it every year#but this year it was relaxing and nice and we did one thing and otherwise it was a normal day just with gifts#living with autism is wild and learning that sticking to my routine and other regulating things even on days when#youre supposed to be spontaneous and busy is very good. it helps. and staying regulated is a high priority now that i can#actually do it and have control over my life#ANYWAY im so excited for baldurs gate 3. my flatmate has told me the things that will frustrate me which is actually very#helpful in preparing me so that i dont immediately get frustrated and upset. very excited
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#ho hum they finally filled my prescription so ive now got the new medication#havent decided when im gonna start taking it tho. like i should start tomorrow bc i dont feel that great#i mean ive physically recovered from my allergic reaction debacle. my mood is generally just low. not like dangerously so. more like i#talk to ppl and im like oh im being a bummer. which i hate. so like i should start taking it#but im only here for like one more week before i fly home so im like. well ill b fine over the break bc no school#which is like yeah ill prob b fine but like even when im hanging out with family and being chill im not really happy. im just like not so#stressed but theres still like a cap on my mood so like maybe if i take it i can b like a human person. but like im still somehow resistant#which is dumb but like taking an old timey non ssri anti depressant feels different than taking an actual up and down mood stablizer#which is stupid bc im just getting freaked out by the word anti psychotic. and like grappling with the stupid voice#in the back of my head from growing up around the super health freaks in my family who r like: dont take medicine. dont trust doctors who#want to unnecessarily medicate u. but like im also worried itll work and ill just have to b on medication for the rest of my life#which is like fine but it feels weird to theoretically spend 30 dollars a month to be not miserable. bc idk the copay on this medication was#way higher than anything else ive had to get. but idk its dumb and i should just take it#but also a tiny bit a afraid of side effects after last time. i dont wanna deal with that :-[#unrelated
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PSA
HELLO BESTIES QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT FOR THE CROWD
I am moving to a new tumblr account!! come follow me at @siliconforbrains if you want to see me scream on your dashboard once again.
I don’t have any big reason behind this move, I’ve just had this blog for almost 8 years now and after being away from it for the last few months, I realized I needed a change. Plus I was tired of my “main” being technically a side blog, and my following list was way too cluttered for me to even begin tidying it up (1.8k blogs,,, can you tell I never went on an unfollowing spree in the 7 years I had this blog lmao).
So yeah, I’m gonna keep this one up as some sort of archive. But if you liked my content before and you want to see more of it, come say hi at @siliconforbrains !!
#maxisrambling#ill keep checking in over here for the next week or so#but after ill probably just log out and come back for the occasional check in when i remember#thank you for the amazing 7 years tho!!#it was a blast#and im genuinely happy with all the memories this blog gave me <3#(and dont hesistate to message/send me an ask at the other blog btw)
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