𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪

now its ur turn. do all of the sweetheart asks.

god jsjsjhdjk im just letting u kno these answers r gonna be BORING but hhhh THANK U 

1. Talk about your first love.

i’ve never been in love, never been in a relationship before. BUT i can vaguely remember my first crush back in 2nd grade. all i can remember was that his name was kyle and he was the only boy who ever spoke to me and my brain just went !!! 

2. What’s the most beautiful song you’ve ever heard in your opinion?

Break My Heart Again - FINNEAS or What Was Our Love All About - Adrian Milanio and Marylou Villegas 

these are just two that i can think of there are A LOT of beautiful songs

3. How’s your heart feeling right now?

fine??

4. What kind of self care is your favorite to do?

i dont really do any self care things?? 

5. What’s your skincare routine?

i dont do any skincare routines either... ik im a monster

6. How did you get to be so beautiful?

u must be blind if u think that 

7. Do you have any stuffed animals?

i used to have over 50 stuffed animals, i would always place them all over my bed neatly but i got rid of them now :( 

8. Best trip you’ve ever been on?

Myrtle Beach, SC because it was my first vacation spot and i was so happy seeing two dolphins close to the shore

9. Favorite thing about your room?

the color of my walls and blankets lol mint green and peach colors

i dont have anything cool in my room

10. Opinion on love?

i mean, it’d be nice to experience it some day and i hope i do but right now im content being by myself

11. Are you affectionate?

if i know you very well i can be, if not im very awkward and will barely make any eye contact with you

12. Who do you look up to?

i look up to people who have struggled a lot in their life, people who can be optimistic in any situation

13. Favorite poet?

i dont read much poetry, but i loved reading some things Emily Dickinson has published

14. Song that makes you happy? How about one that calms you down when you’re in a bad place?

honestly any disney song makes me happy! im a huge disney nerd and listening to any of those songs makes me feel nostalgic.

when im in a bad place, any slow, ballad sounding song can calm me down

15. Do you play an instrument?

i played the flute in middle school but dropped it after less than a week LOL

16. Do you do art? Using what (pencil, watercolor, etc)?

i like doing digital art but im not good at it and i dont have adobe illustrator anymore so i haven’t done anything recently

17. Do you dance? What style of dance?

i cannot dance and no one will make me

IM TOO EMBARRASSED EVEN IF IM ALONE HAHAHA

18. What’s your zodiac sign? Do you believe in astrology?

im a libra

i somewhat believe in astrology, i know there’s more to it than just your sun sign and there are different placements that make you different from the stereotypical traits people use for each sign

a lot of the “things about each sign” can be used for anyone because the responses can be very vague and many people can relate to 

19. Favorite old film?

too many

the shining, the breakfast club, carrie, pretty in pink, etcetcetc

20. What’s your hairstyle?

idk its a mess

curly/wavy and i have hardcut bangs 

21. What weather is the most beautiful, in your opinion?

fall weather, where its like 50 F (or 10 C for all u weirdos out there), cold enough to put on a flannel and boots

22. What upsets you most about the world?

i only have two hands but there are so many cats and dogs. i cannot pet all of them. (IM SORRY THIS WAS UR ANSWER DASHA BUT IM KEEPING IT ITS SO CUTE AND FUNNY AND I RELATE)

23. Are you in love right now?

no

24. Do you have a crush? If so, talk about them!

i dont have a crush lol

25. Do you have pets? Talk about something sweet about them!

yes!!! i have two gorgeous puppies!!! if u wanna check them out u can follow my instagram i post them all the time @ the.moon.atomic

they’re such dorks but they fit my household idk how to describe it they just belong in my house hahha

26. Do you have a lucky number?

i dont really believe in lucky numbers 

27. Have you ever wished on a star? What about on a fallen eyelash?

no, and i never heard about wishing on a fallen eyelash haha

28. Do you believe emoji spells to work?

no???????? i dont even know what that is

29. Do you believe in magic in general?

no

30. What’s the most beautiful thing in life, In your opinion?

when people finally stop hiding their true selves, show their real smiles, and laugh so hard they snort 

idk i just love people, well, most anyway sjsjhzjdsk

31. Opinion on the color pink? What about baby blue?

love them 

theyre such pure colors and they just remind me of newborn babies hahaha

32. What instrumental sound is your favorite?

piano definitely

33. Do you like the sound of wind? What about the sound of rain?

yes! yes to both! i love rain more though, sorry wind

34. Who makes you happy?

my friends, family, and my mutuals 

35. What makes you happy?

listening to music

36. Imagine your ideal life, the life you wish to make, what will that look like?

ohh well i’d be living on germany for starters hahaha

id like to have my own house, maybe living with a best friend

definitely like 5784538902 cats and dogs, i love them 

at some point id like to have a relationship LOL

37. Do you wear makeup? If so what’s your favorite type of makeup or specific makeup product? Favorite store to buy makeup? 

only on rare days ill put on makeup, i only use eyeshadow, liner, and mascara and ive never gone to a store thats just for make up, i just go to a pharmacy lol

38. Do you wear dresses? If so what’s your favorite dress you own?

only if i absolutely have to, the dress i wore for my senior pictures is my favorite

39. Ever been heartbroken? How do you deal with it?

noo, ive never been in a relationship 

40. Who’s your closest friend? What do you love about them?

i kinda really dont have one, not irl anyway

@neo-bangtan @mini-pretzel are my closest friends online, i love everything about u guys

41. Introvert or extrovert?

introvert

42. Do you like MBTI? What’s your MBTI?

im isfj

43. Would you be a fairy, a mermaid, a vampire, a siren, or an angel?

uh idk?? i wouldnt want to be immortal so 

44. What’s the best song a friend has ever introduced to you?

acid jazz singer - the fratellis 

45. Parlez-vous français?

no my french sucks

46. Most beautiful place you’ve been to?

honestly i cant think of any place pennsylvania sucks ahhaha

47. Where/when do you truly feel at home?

home...... my bed...... LOL

48. Does smiling put you in a better mood? Try it right now, you’re smile is gorgeous!

only if im not looking at myself lol

49. Favorite shoe you own?

slip ons or my new balance 

50. Can you walk in stilettos? Do you like them?

N O i am so accident prone i can barely walk barefoot without tripping 

51. Do you feel loved?

kinda? sometimes?

52. How do you express love to those you care about?

just giving them a hug lol or saying i love you

53. Favorite term(s) of endearment?

no ones ever called me any but i like baby, im a simple girl 

54. Most romantic thing someone’s ever done for you?

nothing?

55. When is the happiest you’ve ever been?

meeting new people who share the same interests 

56. Are you happy right now?

im pretty neutral atm

57. What makes you smile?

really awful jokes that ARENT EVEN FUNNY AND TALKING DASHA AND KARINA 

58. Do you laugh a lot?

i guess??

59. What’s your favorite kind of aesthetic?

soft vibes i guess haha

60. Do you want to marry for love or for some other reason (like money)?

i dont see myself marrying but if i would it would definitely be for love

61. What would your dream wedding look like? Do you want to get married?

i dont really want to get married, most of the time it ends in divorce and theres just a lot of paper work and its a hassle i dont see a point in it 

62. Favorite flower?

hydrangeas 

63. Favorite artist?

edgar degas

64. Favorite music artist?

bts lol

65. How kind do you think you are? Is kindness important to you?

i try to be kind to everyone, i dont know if others perceive me that way but i think kindness is very important to me

66. Ever made a playlist for someone?

once and i loved it, pls ask me to make a playlist for u

67. Do you have anything you do to physically comfort you when your sad? Such as a favorite blanket? Or a relaxing bath?

music and a soft blanket 

68. Early bird or night owl?

early bird

69. Morning routine?

wake up, look in the mirror, look away from the mirror, go back to bed. (AGAIN THIS IS UR ANSWER DASHA BUT IM KEEPING IT HHAHAHAHA)

70. Night routine?

shower and watch netflix until i fall asleep

71. What is the most lovely quality a person could have in your opinion?

being humble

72. Do you cry often? Does crying help you get the emotions out? Do you feel better after?

yes yes and yes

im such a cry baby i will cry at everything if u yell at me or if disappoint u im so sensitive 

73. Do you like hugs?

yes but i dont receive many hugs

74. When was the last time you kissed someone?

never

75. Are you small or tall?

small, 5′4 or 164cm

76. Do you like wholesome memes?

who doesnt

77. Favorite thing about the past?

anything that makes me feel nostalgic 

78. Do you ever wonder about the future?

yes

79. Have you ever lived in a different country than you currently live in?

nooo

80. Do you like plane flights? Airports?

ive never been on a plane

81. Sunrises or sunsets?

sunsets

82. The beach or a forest?

beach

83. What time of day do you tend to be in the best mood?

when im sleeping lol

84. Do you push yourself to act together and in a good mood even when you aren’t?

i try to 

85. Favorite kind of tree?

what kind of question is this i dont know anything about trees

86. Do you care about the health of the Earth?

i want to but i dont do anything for it

87. What did you like most about your childhood, if anything?

fieldtrips in school

88. Do you read a lot? What’s your favorite book?

i try to read more, my favorite book is more happy than not 

89. What are you most nostalgic for at the moment?

disney, i just put my christmas tree down and the ornaments are disney characters

90. What’s your favorite personality trait you have?

honesty i guess?

91. List at least ONE thing you love about your appearance.

my eyes

92. When was the last time you truly felt calm, without much of anything to worry about?

after i bathe 

93. Do you worry a lot?

yes all the time

94. The dazzling lights of the city or the relaxing countryside?

dazzling lights of the city

95. Ever changed the shoelaces on one of your shoes? For what reason?

no 

96. Favorite pastry?

??????????? i dont know??????????

97. Do you like doing little acts of kindness?

YEAH

98. How’s your day/night going?

fine so far, i dont have to work today so im just chillaxing 

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1-102 🤪

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?I sure mf hope!2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?Yes..3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?Today i think or last night4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?Yes! Do it all the time5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?Nope!6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?Haha yes lots7. What exactly are you wearing right now?Sweatpants and my school shirt n some socks mm8. How often do you listen to music?All the time9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?Jeans10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2018?Well idk if it did 11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?Both? I can be both im p good at talking to ppl but im not rly abt tons of ppl 24/712. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’? No13. What about ‘R’? No14. Can you drive a stick shift? Haha no15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? Ugh.... duh16. Are you going out of town soon?No i dont think17. When was the last time you cried? Nye18. Have you ever told someone you loved them? Yes....19. If you could change your eye color, would you? Mmm hazel20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for? Uhh not a boy21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. Ummm didnt have a good nap22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead? UghZzzz hello yes23. Are you dating the last person you talked to? Nope24. What are you sitting on right now? A bed but im layin25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? Yep!26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?UghZzzz yes27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? Carson... duh28. Do you get a lot of colds? Nope29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from? My school30. Does anyone hate you? Yep31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? Haha no32. Do you like watching scary movies? Kinda i need someone w me33. Do you want your tongue pierced? Nah34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? Mmm 200735. Did you have a dream last night? Yes36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Idk not tht long ago maybe an hr37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? Mmmmmm id say no..... but literally sm can happen so idk!38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? Ughzzz idk39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? No40. Did you have a good day yesterday? Yep41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? Nope42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl? Ugh.... jadyn43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Nope44. What’s the best part about school? Uhhh relaxin45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Duh46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? Haha yes47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head? Duh48. Were you single over the last summer? No49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? Nope 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now? Umm this51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? Nope52. Are you nice to everyone? Try to be53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yep54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Uhhh yeah?!?!55. Are you good at hiding your feelings? Ughh probably no idk56. Do you think you like someone? Maybe57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’? Haha no58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? Girls? Idk59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry? Ugh yes60. Do you hate anyone? Nah61. How’s your heart? Shes doin ok62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? Duh63. Have you ever cried over a guy? Not a guy a girl yes64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? Ughhh 65. Are your toenails painted pink? No66. Will your next kiss be a mistake? How would ik!67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct? No?!68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? Haha kinda69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? Umm taylor probs70. How do you look right now? UghZzzz71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? Yep! Taylor n carson mhmmmmm 72. Can you commit to one person? Mf duh!73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? Nah74. Have you ever felt replaced? Duh75. Did you wake up cranky? Umm i took a nap and woke up cranky76. Are you a jealous person? Duh77. Are relationships ever worth it? Duh78. Anyone you’re giving up on? Nah79. Currently wanting to see anyone? Duh80. Name something you have to do tomorrow? Coffee81. Last person you cried in front of? Taylor82. Is there someone you will never forget? Yep83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you? Ugh idk!84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? Talkin 85. Are you over your past? No one is!86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? Hehe yes87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? Yes..... how many times will this be asked88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? Idk just wanna see her change shes got a mf kid to be worried abt 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? Hell no!90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? Haha yes91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months? Idfk!92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael? Yep!93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew? Nope94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going? This jan? No Last jan yes95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March? Nope!96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? Most attractive person i mf know!97. Who do you have texts from? ?!?!?! People i text.. friends... family98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Idk! Id be so embarrassed Try to help them out ig?!?! 99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yes100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? No one101. Ever kissed under fireworks? Nope102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies? Duh

92 QUESTIONS TAG

tagged by @germ-studies, thanks for that!

LAST:

1. Drink: water (i only drink water so... haha)

2. Phone call: my auntie, she called me to wish me happy birthday!

3. Text message: a family group chat

4. Song you listened to: the harry potter theme song cause it’s on my blog playlist (it’s playing rn haha)

5. Time you cried: yesterday while watching “The White Queen”

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: nope

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: mmm no, live with no regrets

8. Been cheated on: no

9. Lost someone special: yes 👼🏻

10. Been depressed: yes

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nope, i don’t drink

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14: baby blue, pale yellow and white

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: yes

16. Fallen out of love: nope

17. Laughed until you cried: obviously!!

18. Found out someone was talking about you: mmm probably

19. Met someone who changed you: not really

20. Found out who your friends are: yup

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: i don’t have facebook hehe

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: i dont have fb 

23. Do you have any pets: no 😭  i’d love to have a pug

24. Do you want to change your name: i wish i could

25. What did you do for your last Birthday: it’s today!! im just chilling at home with the fam, will have a nice dinner later (what a boring day ik)

26. What time did you wake up: today? ummm around 9 am

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: replying to all the nice friends who wished me a happy birthday at midnight!

28. Name something you can’t wait for: CHRISTMAS OMG!!!!!!1!

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: a few hours ago

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wish i wasn’t so insecure about myself

31. What are you listening to right now: the harry potter theme song haha

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: mmm no that i remember rn

33. Something that gets on your nerves: when people chew with their mouth open, ugh i can’t handle it

34. Most visited websites: mmm youtube, netflix, hbo, tumblr...

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME

35. Mole/s: i dont have any

36. Mark/s: mmm i have one next to my lips, you can’t really see it

37. Childhood dream: being a singer (still is tbh haha)

38. Hair color: dark brown, I have black hair but it gets lighter with the sun

39. Long or short hair: long hair

40. Do you have a crush on someone: does max irons count? 

41. What do you like about yourself: mmm i care a lot about people, which can also be a bad thing 

42. Piercings: i have a second piercing on my right ear, planning on having more, it looks so cute!!

43. Blood type: i have no idea 

44. Nickname: lia 

45. Relationship status: single and ready to mingle jks

46. Zodiac: leo

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favorite TV Show: atm, The White Queen, Game of thrones and Orphan Black!

49. Tattoos: not rn but i have two already sketched and everything, maybe this year i will finally get them

50. Right or left hand: right

51. Surgery: nope

52. Hair dyed in different color: nope

53. Sport: im more of a work out girl, but id love to get back into swimming this year, i was really good!

55. Vacation: I’d love to go to New York or South Africa

56. Pair of trainers: i don’t wear trainers

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: im not eating rn (wtf i dont understand this freaking questions)

58. Drinking: water 

59. I’m about to: just chilling, im waiting for someone to come home

61. Waiting for: winter and christmas!!!!

62. Want: to make this world a better place

63. Get marriage: i’d like to 

64. Career: mmmm work at the designing aspect of a company, from products, to packaging or the web page, idk

WHICH IS BETTER

65. Hugs or kisses: both!

66. Lips or eyes: eyes

67. Shorter or taller: mmmm taller? idk

68. Older or younger: (not too much) older

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: yo this questions are weird af, mmm nice arms

71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive 

72. Hook up or relationship: relationship

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: shit idk

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger: mm no 

75. Drank hard liquor: no

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: yeah, ive lost my contacts so many times

77. Turned someone down: yes

78. Sex on the first date: nope

79. Broken someone’s heart: I hope not

80. Had your heart broken: maybe

81. Been arrested: omg no

82. Cried when someone died: yes 

83. Fallen for a friend: no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: sometimes, most times not

85. Miracles: mmmm maybe

86. Love at first sight: yes

87. Santa Claus: when I was young of course!

88. Kiss on the first date: it depends

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: judith

91. Eye color: i have blue eyes

92. Favorite movie: the riot club (recommend so so much!!!)

I TAG EVERYONE!!!! Tag me if you do it so I can check it out x

Free Writing

I feel sick. On friday i came home dizzy feeling like I was dead walking and passed out sleeping for most of the night into the day. I woke up sunday feeling a lot better but as i tried to eat my body was not having it. Even now I can’t stomach too much but apples and even then that is pushing it. i feel like at any second i will puke but It’s a faint sensation. I had two dreams that had me startled and put a slight cloud on my day until i forced the thoughts away. The first was strange and happened about 2 days ago. i was in an apartment listening to a friend of mine talk about his life. I was trying my best to fight trying to have sex with him and failing. even going so far as to entering the bathroom with him. ugh. i was pretty upset at myself in my dream cause I watched myself do it but in my head I was like ‘why are you doing this. don’t do it’. so anyway I have a pair of headphones on connected to like a walkkie talkie and I hear my ex’s voice on the other end. he’s talking about old money business and i click the talk end and ask him to repeat it. He is shocked and he says ‘your voice is too much right now’ and I apologize and ask him to repeat it. he starts to cry and i can hear the emotion and I look up feeling his pain. It was strange because I didn’t really care too much about the situation. I feel like I already moved on from him a long time ago and I didn’t regret my decision at all but haring the pain and emotion in his voice was too much. the dream ends and its a shallow dream so i know im near to akinng up. I carried that with me for the majority of the morning and it bothered me because i feel like i am being punnihsed for how the relationship went. I dragged it on for longer then it needed to be. wayyy longer and I still look back now and regret it but I’m learning to move past it and not dwell too much on it. I eventually was brave enough to face being alone and potentially being unloved so there is that. The other dream happened today. jesus had a weir dtanget and left a silly conversation we were having. i think he really just wanted to step away from me and i was actually pretty okay with it. I feel when we talk too much it puts a strain on our friendship. i wanna-say relationship but...I don’t like that. Inn my head im much more happy seeing it as a friendship because that means its safe. i almost don’t give myself any reason to be jealous  about others and i can give him my love in friendship and that is much more better for me. but some things he said got to me. He was talking about how dull and boring my life would be without him and at first i just joked about it but now I’m startting to see his point. Would i have been exposed to music without him? not as intense bth.My obsession with music and desire to persue it in some shape or form was inspiredby him and who he pointed out to me. I covet his songs so much. They are like staples for me and i dunno im actually listening to one of his songs now (let ‘em know by bryson tiller). So now that he has done his typical thing pretending to be upset and leaving “for couple of days” I have time to think. Its also venus retrograde whihc is like time to revisit and reassess how I see love, how i want to be loved and how I love others. also how my relationships look like and if there is a need for change. This is a simplistic view but its my understanding of it. So I know his venus is in Leo. which lmao is very fitting. hmm sometimes i wonder if I need to slow down with my thoughts of him. I am fascinated by him, pused by him, fired up by him, irritated, annoyed, and some feelings that i cant or wont name. So where does that leave me? Sometimes in my head i’ll call him allan and that makes me pause. Am i waiting for a saviour again? if i am i need to step back and realize that that only ends in pain and dissapointed hope. My last relationship i leanre da lot but it was under duress. it was painful and like forced me out of my caccoon under his hand and i felt so constrained as i tried to heal. it was too much for me and he never did understand me. Now that i’m just feeling jesus out I now see i see him as a saviour and i’m torn bewteen seeing him as one and being okay with it. is it so bad to have friends as liferafts? but at the smame time i dont think he should be treated like one :/ idk its weird though things have been feeling so surreal to me. watching my hands type and literally giving form to my words is unsettling to me. I feel like something is happening to me and i’m scared that its something bad. i don’t rmember being so sick before. in 3 years i only ever experieneced slight sniffles and here i am full blown sick and shit. i’m worried for myself and my body.I ask for michael’s healing and proetction. I am in a strange place and I wonder what will become of all of this. I feel so out of place. maybe its the books i have been reading too. When i read i somtimes carry bits of it into my life. i wake up in this world slightly disjointed and off. I finished reading parable of the talents and that left me shook. i have oto write a book review for that but ive been avoiding it for some reason? anyway I’m a lil way halfway trough lilith’s brood and I find the book fascinating and also scary in a way. i’m not scraed perse about the alients. or maybe i am idk. I’m more scared of the future where women and children will be vulnerable. why is it that males resourt to being bullies again once oscieties are gone? why sare they the most dnagerous? i mean even now they still are and its wrapped up in laws, decorms etc but in a dystopian futuere? terrifying. I couldnt be like Olomina and dress like a man because I am too fullfigured and womenly to pass. i am worried for myself. I just want to be free....i dunno what is going on with me? I ffeel like im drifting in and out of reality and things feel dreamy. I had a thought about my empathy and pisces power and like...maybe all my empathy is for books? thats when i feel so misty and out of it after reading ike my mind really led me away. im happy im reading again at least. it unsettles me that i am becoming  a women. I am entranced with myself seeing the curves, my skin and body seeing how beautiful it is but also seeing how dangerous it is to me and my life. How many times will people punish me for how i look? men mostly. and i dont mind suing what power i apparently have over them but its like i know it will be used aaginst me soon. i never feel wrong for knowing that my body is beautiful. I know it is and i know i am beautiful and a creature many may want to touch and have. I am growing into it and i feel like a flower that is maturing before peoples eyes and im afraid. i know fear is bad so let me say mor elike it unsetles me. but with chnage comes growth and i feel like because of my freeizing myself as i unthaw and turn into who i was supposed to be i am going to blossom very quick. its also weird too because as I say i want this this and this in my body over time i gain that. i was so e skinny and i wished to be thicker and now here i am getting thicker and i know if i atemore id be even thikcer and yet my stomach has not changedd and actually has remained smaller then it as before? i am also finally looking pretty. i felt like such an ugly child and now i wonder if its not that im being graced with it now but that i am seeing it in myself. i know i have eyes that can trap people. I actually look away to make them feel comfortable because if i stare too long at eople they either get caught up in my face (men especially) or they paue for a second.. idk. i feel like im changing t into something that ahs power that i am not comfortble handling;. or am i just being dramatic? the voice in my head is soft and quiet and that is the true me. I have to protect her because thhis world wants to hurt her and she is too good for it. that sounds weird.. But i know i have to keep this shell around me because peope see weakness and want to go for it/. when i gaine dback my sag and leo self i have used it like a shield against people and emotions. only a few know about my soter side/. jesus nampende and allan do. allan has used it and used it agains me to quiet myself, jesus looks down on it and i think nampende is the only one who sees it and sympathzes with it. alone i am soft and always ondering. when im with peoplei am dynamic lughing being wild and having fun. i know that that needs to be my face to protect me. these days i feel like i need to make a descion.  I dont know when and what i need to decide on but i know something will happen soon in my life. something big. idk.maybe its the new moon in virgo? or maybe its just me. im usually okay with momnets of confusion but coupled with this sickness and weird feeling im worried. i had my period so im worired im pregnant but....idk.anywasy on a more shallower side im getting my hair done and im trying to get a new phone. i know its mostyly because i wanna just fuck show people i actually am cute asf? for some reason i cna never capture how beauiful i am in pictures. maybe its the dymanicness of my face. idk i mosty want jesus to se it i think he thinks im ugy af and im like not??? if he saw me in person i dont think he would be saying and talking to me the ay he does. but i cant help things and tb its better that way. if i eve rsee him it will be a good suprise for me when i smirk at him like boyyyy you don fucked up;. anywyas im being etty and yes my exercises ha and will be fueled with this drema in mind veen tho i know it may not actually happen nor go the way i want ti to go. ughh sometimes i forget that im 23 and dont need to have it ll figured out. like thast not un expuse but i always be putting so much pressure on myself to know so much and catch up because i froze so much of myself. i know my body ma=eant well with how it chose to protect me but sis, i suffer lol.I am trying my best to just do my best. I feel tested and tested constantly but i guess with trying to be a better person and working on yourself. oh wait. PLUTO. i remmeber asking pluto a month ago to reveal all my bad shit a lotttt over the course of a month and sicne its a slow moving planet its prob now just hitting me. yikes. well if i cna make it through this then i really will be rdy for anything. so much pressure and stimulation i know i can survive but damn i need a break and shit.well i have tomorrow off so im probgonna chill and dhit. i have a meeting with some witches and other femmes in about an hour so lmao idk man im just trying my best. I hoope the universe sees that im trying because awd jesus i am. I love myself through this no matter what. the feeling that im gonna die is creeping up again its so strange i hvent felt this oh...its probably just anxiety over this sickess. ugdwheteriutuieyte45465hthrethuwt im gonna stop lol this has been too long already (peep the change in tone thast my sag self shining through)

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