How come ur black but wont write for black reader? No offense just asking

babes, when did I ever say that I'm black LMFAO???? I'm not. if you're talking about my picrews in the tag games, it's still VERY weird that you'd assume my RACE because of my skin color 💀

so right a couple of my film friends and i met last night to do wine and glee and i left and tried to catch a bus in our gross rainy cold weather and so when it finally comes im just like zoo wee mama my glasses r fogging up and all that shit. but who of course is on the bus but my one friend the main perpetrator of acting like im some flaky cunt (rant city below)

so i guess technically this wouldnt look great on my part bc i was obviously Somewhere and had been ignoring the group chat making plans but oh my GOD whatever who careessssss who Cares. so im like fucking phenomenal ok walk back Omg hi and she moves her shit so i can sit and i get settled and am like hey. and she asks what i was up to and ofc when i say anything bc this is fucking awkward shes just got this stupid smug little smile but i was just sitting there like bitch im not gonna sit here and act embarrassed for seeing my other friends so i was just like So are u guys doing x tn and shes like mhm yep are you coming and i was like well gee i dont know. sarcastic shrug. make conversation about the timing of the place for a second kinda jokin then awk silence

and so then because im a chill normal adult and am aware that shes about to go meet the group of friends and no matter what this interaction is going to be brought up and i had been planning on composing a levelheaded text but i just said Look im sorry that i ghosted you guys (and shes again smug smiling nodding next to me. girl.) i just honestly got tired of feeling like im being singled out and judged when i cant make it to something and she literally is just like Well im sorry you feel that way just u know we do try to come up w different days etc (if u like me are bad at reading between the lines this was a non apology and defense based on uh Nothing) and i was like right well ik last semester wasnt great it's just that sometimes i feel like im being shunned in the group chats when no one answers or reacts to anything i say and the other day when you said like. yk the 'could u commit' thing that felt really sort of condescending

and shes like again well im sorry u felt that way i was just trying to find another day that u could actually make it cause i wanted us all to be there so im not really sure how that came across as condescending but um yeah. and i, jackass that i am (<3) pulled out my phone and pointed and said Well u see we didnt have actual plans and in fact no one answered when i said anything abt it and yk things come up and so for me to have sent this whole nice thing and just get 'do you think youd be able to commit' in response felt a little bit needlessly mean (and i also tried to earnestly say at some point in all this that i genuinely do love and care for them and want to see them but yk this Sucks and was just bad timing)

THEN we somehow spin into her going Well i just had no idea this was even a thing until you brought it up just now i mean i wasnt even thinking abt it ive never really thought that of you etc and so then im sitting here feeling like im being gaslit in real time not to be dramatic and i felt very much like when i was in high school and people manipulated me bc i was a very easy target (its not that real but w/e) and so im like Ok be calm but dont just like let that slide cause girl be serious (prob should have but what ever) so i was like well you know i do apologize if i just couldnt tell your intent over text, but after you guys never answered me about hanging out and then the short responses like maybe u can kind of see where i felt like you were being rude (didnt say it quite that bluntly w/e)

and she pulls out the big card. the. well i just think youre being defensive. oh years and years of being the youngest and punished for um having feelings lmfao slammed me in my chest at that moment. and i calmly said Okay cool i think youre being defensive. and i lit missed my bus stop cause this driver was swerving so then i was just like Well you guys have fun maybe ill see you tonight bye. so. really feeling awesome abt the state of that. in all reality tho it's like i hung out w some friends and then went out to the gay bar w others and danced and etc and i can only imagine how much of a Thing this was for them so. if someone could win it'd be me right

(on another note at some point during this ride sams roommate requested to follow me back <3 which i had been pretending not to think abt for the last couple hours) anyway

this has been a post let me know if im being normalish

AUGH SHITUP

hi, my name is ethan/rodent/kevin (i have a few other names n u can ask for those if u wanna know em)

im 13 and i will fight u

i really like uhh

fuck

i likee

LAB RATSS, this is what my blog is mainly abt, its a very nice little hyperfixation of mine, i love it

Mighty med, not this biggest fan n the world but i did watch the fucken show so shut up!!! i like alan :) she’s transfem bc i said so btw

The Villains of Valley View, i havent finished this but i will if i don’t procrastinate forever!! no spoilers or i’ll block u pissboy

Henry Danger + Danger force, havent finished Danger force but i love!!.!:!:’d bug interest in these :)) hensper rots my brain

horrid henry, biggest hyperfixation i have rn i fucking love horrid henry sm

creepypasta, not creepypasta in general but more like jeff fhe killer is my main hyperfixation from tjat rn and ben drowned floats around in my head like that dvd thingy and i know other creepypastas shutnup lemme think uhhhh inlove bloody painter always have always will! puppeteer is cool foo

harry fucking potter lololol

spooky month, i love spooky month!! i don’t support sr pelo tho, fuck him, fucken bitch

DNI YOU FUCK

Proshippers/Comshippers, you guys are fucking GROSS SHUT UPP

Dream smp fans or anyone fans w the ppl in that smp (this doesn’t include ranboo fans and i think karl was n that so that doesn’t include karl either) most of the creators in that thing are fucking grosss ewwewweww

ik some ppl don’t consider this proship even tho it is so ppl who ship the rats or ship leo with the rats or marcus with the rats or dani with the rats or marcus with leo or leo with dani or dani with marcus

if i tell u to dni without reason i just dont fucking like u and if u don’t dni ur blocked bitch

RULES

if ur n adulr dont b weird towards me!! n if ur posting abt nsfw ill ignore it dw

theres no other rule

i like ducks

ive posted abt my goals for dawn for 2024 but my personal goals (for tumblr at least) is to try to be around a little bit more, be a little bit more active and involved and such which is like! easier said than done! last year was just such a rough time emotionally and i had a tough time in the rpc but im hopeful things will be better this year. i need to try letting go of some of that brutal anxiety otherwise im bound to feel stagnant bc of my own self/actions :') ik this is probably Relatable but i cant help but irrationally think that like. sending people asks/interacting with people's posts only makes them annoyed/think im annoying in the sense of like. 'OMG its her again can she just leave me alone!!' which in my heart i know isnt true because, if it was then like... why would i be mutuals with as many people as i am you know! just stupid brain moment, and an issue that i can only tackle by just ignoring those thoughts and putting such things into practice.....

that being said though. from jan 17th - jan 22nd ill be out of town bc me and my bf are going to vegas and im SO excited for it bc ive never been there!! and i havent left the state in general since like!!! 2018!!!!!!!

I apologise and I hope you'll forgive me for using your simblr askbox for this but i just read your rants on your writing blog and I had to drop by. You can ignore this ask if it oversteps boundaries. I hope people can see n understand that writing fics is not your source of income and respect the fact that your office job is what gets your bills paid. I dont think they've got any right to say "leave the company" type-thing to you when they dont know the whole story, it's just unecessary advice-

I really hope people, instead of screaming at you to update SY with their pitchforks in the air, wait patiently for the update (WHENEVER u decide to do so) and at least empathise with your situation as working people/corporate slaves themselves. Im sure most of us are the same so I dont understand why some have the nerve to act entitled on the internet? I mean i get it that the story might be something they were looking forward to but god, its not just them who have lives separate of tumblr. (2)

I'm now ranting, I'm sorry but seeing you apologise for not updating SY when you already said you've put the series on hiatus till 19th May didnt sit well with me. I didnt think you needed to apologise when you've said time and time again that your promotion has left you with very little free time on your hands. Doesn't that clearly mean that you wont be able to update your fics as quick and frequent as SN got updated cause you literally don't have free time? Shouldn't people respect that? (3)

And shouldn't they respect the fact that free time doesn't always mean that you're gonna spend it all on writing SY?? Like, fuck i'm so fucking mad rn. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with entitled readers too who think that all your free time should be devoted to writing fics only. You genuinely sound so fucking stressed, frustrated and thoroughly overworked in your posts, Saint and I hope people fucking open their eyes to see it instead of being Seras and seeing only their woes. (4)

I do hope and pray you get your break and rest first cause i know you've got your personal reasons for putting yourself through this whole overworking ordeal and i'm no one to tell you what to do or not. I can just hope for your good mental and physical health and for your boss to not ask you to cover full shifts last minute when you've already worked full time for yours the entire week. Again, before I forget, PLEASE, update SY at YOUR pace. (5)

I've been locked in ever since u posted SN1 so im not leavin til' I get SY15 (OH WAIT, ill have to get off the roller coaster if u ever discontinue it, which is totally fine too! pls dont take that as me pushing u to finish sy T-T im sorry) Take your time with it. You're already risking your health over your job rn and u dont need to do that with writing- something that's your escape. ANYWAY, ive talked bs for way too long and i apologise if this all isn't coherent and for repetitive ask-ings. 6

it’s okkk and thank u, i appreciate u sm :’( i’m sorry you had to see me freaking out earlier. i’m truly just fed up and exhausted with my life outside of this web space. i only apologized for not being able to post frequent updates bc i want readers to understand that i’m not abandoning sy by choice. in fact, i get very veryyy sad that i can’t find the time to write it. i feel bad that i can’t even have proper conversations with my moots here and they prob think i’m ignoring them 😭 i also just came across this post where two of my readers are having an exchange abt how sy has slow updates and it’s making them lose interest and i was kinda hurt but i understand tbh sddjfjsjs but YOU, ILY AND I HOPE YOU’RE HAVING A WONDERFUL DAY. tysm for dropping by and for understanding my situation (ik i sound dramatic but aaaaaaa)

i’ll open anon on main so u can reach out there too <33

lore time >>>

story about the most beautiful girl I've seen and the best friend I've had in years

there was this bitch i was close friends with senior year (ill just call her bel). i regret sooo much not slapping her in her pretty fuckin angel face when she gave me the money back (i bought her and someone else tickets to a concert, and they BOTH cancelled the night before. so I was like dude. u gotta pay me at least over half cuz this shit was expensive). she was bein all smartass as if I was being immature and petty asking for the money. a few weeks before (and before the concert) she and the other person I gave a ticket to totally irl ghosted me after something so incredibly silly and were giving me the silent treatment for a month until I said fuck u and left

dude. the audacity she had. earlier that year, Bel couldn't come to my bday party bc of a "family emergency". she cancelled the NIGHT BEFORE the concert again for the same ass reason!! after she been giving me the silent treatment like a fuckin middle schooler for 2 weeks!!

and when she gives me $20 less than what I asked, she thumps the cash down and gives me a whole talk like bro I KNOW she rehearsed that in the mirror LMAO. she thought she was so fuckin bad for that.

then? well then nothing. instead of cursing her out or slapping her in the face I just completely ignored her, didn't make eye contact. ik how immature and stupid it would've been if I swung but oh my fucking stars she deserved it man.

i used to be so in love with bel, she's actually the most beautiful girl I've seen, and was so genuine as a friend. i liked her so much. but now I can't stand thinking about her, i feel sick writing abt this

you ever fall in love with someone--like really, really in love--and end up despising them over finding out how they really were?

and of course. of course she had to be so, so beautiful. i can never tell which Im feeling when i imagine her face--want to kiss her or want to slap her haha

anyways. haven't talked to her since then and it's been over a year, so why bother?

I hope her and her boyfriend broke up (I was so bummed when she started dating him. she and I used to do silly things to make him jealous after they'd been dating for a month)

im here to clear up some things.

edit: just scroll to the bottom for the tl;dr cause this is a lot but i think its necessary so it doesnt seem half assed or glossed over.

if you can’t tell by the perpetual lowercase here, its mod galen! i figured i should address the drama coming on here from a different perspective. no, this isn’t mod atlas dumping all her problems on me, she’s already tried talking abt it herself - its me deciding to speak up on my own accord after seeing the shitfest my dash has become.

keep in mind - i will be happy to discuss any of this with you guys civilly, but im not going to be kind to nasty anon hate. dm us, or just send us a polite ask, and we can sort things out! if we’ve done something ignorant, i promise you we will educate ourselves and apologise sincerely.

the galen thing

first and foremost - i saw some people saying its sus that i, an nb mod, was added to the blog right after the galen debacle. it was not to save face or hide behind me! ironically, the reason i got added now of all times was because mod atlas and i were discussing what was going on, i gave my thoughts on the matter, she asked me if id be interested in being a mod!

mod atlas then thanked me for my insight and educated her on the issue and figured it would be a good idea to actually have someone in the lgbt+ community on the blog - that way, these silly ignorant mistakes will not happen again. i wont let it happen. not to mention she’s getting pretty busy in her personal life so she thought itd be a good idea to bring someone else on board.

i believe that people can learn from their mistakes - i was also hurt by that misgendering galen post. i bitched about it too. but i saw that everyone involved apologised, genuinely didn’t mean it, and promised to do better. and i’ll hold them to that! but im not gonna start talking trash abt them on other peoples blogs just bc they made a rly ignorant post. if you’re cis, i really don’t want you speaking up on this matter anymore. its not your fight. youre not in the position to forgive nor condemn any of these people. trans folk, im not going to tell you that anyone deserves your forgiveness, that’s up to you, but what they do deserve is your decent respect. unless they say theyre blatantly against trans people - aka make a deliberately transphobic statement rather than one made out of pure ignorance - in that case, all bets are off lmfao. i dont take that shit lightly and ill come for you too.

to the person who made the misgendering galen post - you know who you are, i dont want to send you any more hate than you’ve already been getting so im not going to @ you, but please. reupload your apology about the post, cause i scrolled through your blog for ages and didn’t find it - if i didn’t see it reblogged on this blog, i wouldn’t have known you apologised. i wouldn’t have felt like your blog is a safe space for nonbinary folk. its important you own up to mistakes and keep the apology there.

the nahara thing

look. im poc. im also straight up sick and tired of lovestruck’s mistreatment of dark-skinned characters, especially black characters (why do half of them look like recoloured white people....?) like nahara. its important for our representation that she does well! that way, we can get more diverse li’s on our roster in the future instead of every skinny white person getting the spotlight and 9238428903 seasons. (i love you onyx and juliette, but what the fuck.)

that being said - i dont think what mod atlas said was that bad, especially considering it wasn’t here on fansofvow, the only thing reblogged onto here being her english lesson on galen’s route with a relieved comment abt how thats a series started right.

please understand - we’ve been afraid of the new characters’ routes ever since the strike. a lot of writers left, a lot are likely to be leaving, and we’re concerned about the status of the app. this wasn’t to shoot down nahara, but out of pure relief that we’re not seeing a downwards spike in the writing quality post-strike.

that being said - if you think nahara’s route is well written, and great - thats awesome! please give her all the love for us, cause we do want her to do well. she’s just not our cup of tea. can we please respect that instead of slamming this blog’s name? nahara is still doing well, im seeing hype for her everywhere- one or two negative opinions wont change that. we’re not even going to a leave a review in-app, which is the most important form of community feedback to lovestruck.

the posts have been deleted. please, give it a rest. keep loving nahara. quit the drama.

the nikolai’s route in school thing

all the students that saw the screenshots were 18+, and none of the examples were sexual in nature. teenagers get shown romeo and juliet in school, a play ending in a double suicide, but showing adults a few lines of good writing from a 17+ app is bad? its not like she showed them a scene from a straight up porno, its just a story that happens to have sexual themes in it. its up to the students whether they read the whole story or not, and they’re mature enough to handle it. that’s all im going to say abt the matter, cause im no teacher,

and lastly...

i see a lot of people saying that we, fansofvow, need to “set an example” cause we think we’re a “fandom leader” or somehow think we’re on some high horse cause of clout? i have no idea where this started because ik for a fact mod atlas has never referred to herself as a “fandom leader” or anything like that, and guys, we’re not that up ourselves. we don’t even have tons of followers! we’re just doing our thing to support VOW. please don’t put words in our mouths.

with all that out of the way, i hope we can move on and make the community a happier place for everyone.

-mod galen

tl;dr: people make ignorant mistakes sometimes. mod atlas has apologised for reblogging the post abt misgendering galen, wants nahara to do well, only showed non-sexual writing examples of nikolai to 18+ students and never called herself a “fandom leader.”

my family and i went to go look at christmas lights bc theres a HUGE ASS neighborhood that always goes way over the top and they were like “HEY get in the car” so we did bc we have to and i was sitting in the back with my 11 year old brother and i was asked him if he wanted to hear about the books ive been reading and he was like “yeah sure idc” and i was like cool!! bc my brothers know how happy it makes me when i talk abt books i read and so they humor me (most of the time) so i start talking abt shatter me and how i didnt finish the series bc i got bored of it but its ok bc warnette got together so woohooo thats all i wanted. then my other brother who’s almost 14 starts talking shit or whatever and says something abt how no one wants to listen to me talk abt books and i was like oh ok well i was talking to cody not you and then cody started telling him he was a brat or whatever (yk the usual sibling name calling) and then my dad jumped to the rescue of trey (the 14 yo) saying that we should include him so then i said “well trey started being mean first, cody’s just trying to defend me” and my mom was like “yeah they were perfectly fine until trey started stuff” and so it was this big thing and then eventually it calmed down a bit and cody asked about the other books ive been reading and i told him about six of crows bc i thought he would like that and i started describing kaz and he was like “so hes dark and brooding and misunderstood” and i laughed bc all i told him was that kaz was a 17 yo crime boss who killed people but its ok bc he cant touch people without passing out or vomiting (no the best description of kaz i realize but hes 11 and i thought he’d find it weird). so we laugh bc its funny and my mom says somwthing to my dad abt how we were rubbing it in that trey was being “left out” so i just ignore it and keep talking bc that wasnt what was happening at all i just wanted to talk abt my damn books and cody seemed genuinely interested. then she said to the whole car “why dont we just go home” and i was like why??? and she was like “bc no one is in a good mood and youre leaving your brother out and cody doesnt even want to hear about your stupid books he’s only doing it to get to trey and leave him out and no one cares” so i told her that cody was listening before trey said anything and i just wanted to talk abt them. and then she kept going on about how no one wanted to hear about my books because no one gives a shit and no one cares and no one wants to listen. and then i started crying bc i knew people didnt really care but why was it such a big deal?  i never talk about any of my interests with anyone and they are the only ones who i actually feel comfortable talking about this stuff with so why is it such a big deal? i get it no one cares but at least they pretend to, even if they arent listening or i dont make much sense when im talking about them at least im talking. im not in contact with any of my friends rn because my parents took away my phone so i only have my laptop so all i do is sit on tumblr and read books and browse ao3 which sounds amazing and it kind of is but i miss my best friend and driving and hanging out with them and im barely eating bc i dont have an appetite and my meds ran out a while ago so ive been really down lately and i failed my dual enrollment classes bc i just cant seem to do anything (thats why my phone and keys were taken) and i dont blame them for punishing me ik i screwed up but my mom wont look into putting me back into therapy or finding a new psychologist and i just want to be okay again but im isolated and numb but when i try to express an interest in the one thing that makes me feel something i get yelled at and told that no one gives a shit and it just sucks but its okay ill be okay 

thanks for tagging me gab @12monthoctober and eden @pianoandcookiedoughlover and faith @shades-of-greens <3 (i did not realize how many times i did not respond to this dfjhgjlkds you are all darlings <3)

1. why did u choose ur url?

i was tired at lunch one day and figured, ok im short, im also vaguely emo but not committed enough to go full out, so bam im both a little emo (as in noncommittal) and a little emo (as in short) <3

2. any sideblogs?

technically i have one now but i mostly have it to save the url, if i ever actually decide to start streaming ill prob make a blog specifically for that!! (though i think I’d use my alittleemo handle for it anyway so who knows then)

3. how long have u been on tumblr?

a little over a year now!! i think i made this blog in february of 2019 but started using it march/april of last year

4. do u have a queue tag?

i still do not know how to use the queue function dfjkhgkldjsjdflkh

5. why did u start your blog in the first place?

nearly all of my Pinterest feed was tumblr memes anyway so i figured why not go to the source of it all /hj. also i wanted to find more people into aftg and skam

6. why did u choose ur icon/pfp?

matching pfp with gab’s dsmp side blog!!! ae asked me if i wanted to match and i couldn’t pass up the opportunity :D (plus clingy duo / tommyinnit supremacy) i think it’s pretty fitting honestly <3

7. why did u choose ur header?

i love taking shitty pictures of jellyfish and i thought this one ended up looking really cool 

8. how many mutuals do u have?

13!! i have immense fondness for each of you <3

9. how many followers do u have?

39 babey!!!

10. how many people do u follow?

97 currently !!

11. have u ever made a shitpost?

what is anything i post if not complaining or making dumbass posts (affectionate)

12. how often do u use tumblr each day?

yikes. I mean like i am def here several times per day (its gonna be more now too now that its summer) but i feel like i sort of j scroll through my dash and only rb a few things compared to how much i actually see yk

13. did u ever fight/argue w another blog? who won?

no i hate confrontation but i also would rather j block someone trying to start smth w me

14. how do u feel about "u need to reblog these" posts?

going to steal celia and gab’s response bc yall are more coherent than me - sometimes it's too mentally draining to read abt terrible shit all the time. calm down. not everyone needs to read everything. i don't need ur guilt-trip rn. u can get across that a post is imp. w/o that statement. idk. sometimes i ignore them out of spite. i know that i rb a decent number of activism posts but i dont like those ones as much bc the guilt tripping isn’t the way to go

15. do u like tag games?

yes if u ever tag me j know i would instantly deliver cookies to ur house if i could <3 i do however often forget to respond to them until later (hi this tag is from over a week ago dfjkhgljdksh)

16. do u like ask games?

yes i love them immensely i j often again forget to actually finish them whoops

17. which of ur mutuals do u think is tumblr famous?

ik that i have a lot of relatively famous mutuals-in-law, but as for my own mutuals i’d say @lunawedlers and @lesbeanadiamcnll, i feel like yall have such good vibes in that respect <3

18. do u have a crush on a mutual?

like gab said, yes but platonically <3

tagging @coffee-and-moo, @alinastarkovaz, @lesbeanadiamcnll, @lunawedlers and any other mutuals who’d like to do so!!! (as always feel free to ignore as well <3)

Ik you're probably not the right person to ask for this so feel free to ignore it, I just kinda need to vent a little. I think I have OCD and it's a struggle because atm I can't get help for it and it's been getting worse. I keep thinking that I have to check mugs before I drink from them or I'll get ill and it's becoming really obtrusive and idk if I'm faking and everything is going on in my mind cus I'm also fairly sure I have ADHD and that's a struggle too because I broke down to my mum abt it and she said It wasn't really and she mocked me in front of my doctor. Anyway I hope you're having a nice day sorry abt this

I don’t know anything about OCD, but I do have ADHD and I had a similar experience with my mum. I was 17 and I told her I thought I had ADHD because I couldn’t control my mess. She looked at her room - which is usually spotless - and said ‘What a mess! I guess I have ADHD, too.’ 

She caught herself immediately and apologised, but it lived on in my head, even six years later. 

So, I get it. 

My only piece of advice is to go to the doctor by yourself and explain what exactly is wrong. Take a list if you have to. The fact that you’re noticing your own habits and you’re worried about it, is probably a good reason to just go to your doctor anyway. If it’s something that’s stressing you out, it’s worth it, even just for peace of mind. 

You’ve used ‘mum’ so I’m going to base this on the assumption that you’re British. You should be able to go to your doctor’s website and use the NHS eConsult. 

Try that. 

I hope this helps, angel. <3

Wrong Direction: Chapter 2 (K. Kapanen)

@moriellymakesmesoft

“I just got off the phone with Max,” it's been two weeks since I've moved into Will’s place, my stuff still in boxes all over the apartment.

“Oh?’ William responds, tossing me a smoothie from the fridge as we get ready to go to practice. I still go to sleep in tears and wake up with puffy eyes, but Willy makes me feel like everythings going to be okay, if not today then someday soon. “How is he?”

“Good,” I tell him, scratching at the back of my neck, refusing to look up at him knowing what comes next. “He asked me to come stay with him. Well, he didn't ask. He's kinda forcing me.”

“Oh,” Will says. He turns around and faces me with a look on his face of a mix of betrayal and hurt, and it makes me want to burst into tears. “Um, well, are you gonna go?”

“I have to, babe. He's my brother, and he said that if I don't come by myself he'll pack my things for me the next time he comes to Toronto.” I feel bad, but I do miss Max.

Willy just frowns at me. “When are you leaving?”

“Uh, tomorrow. He said he'd buy me a plane ticket.”

“To Montreal?! I could drive you!”

“I know, its okay. He’s the one paying so I don't really care honestly. Don't we have to get going?’

“Yeah,” he giggles, glancing at the watch on his wrist.

On our way to the arena, I take deep breaths to try to calm my racing heart and shaking hands. Seeing Kasperi this often still hurts just as bad as seeing him in bed with that girl. But the whole situation has given me a lot of inspiration for a new song that i've been working on, bouncing ideas off of Will day and night.

He notices my agitation and reaches over to grab my hand. “After this, you won't ever have to see him or me ever again.”

“Hey, don't say that,” I pout. “I'll be back and i'll move back in with you, if you let me, in a couple months. I just need a break from Toronto. Everything I know is laced with memories of him. I can't even enjoy your games because he's there.”

Will nods without looking away from the road. “You're always welcome at my place. We’re all still really pissed at him, you know. Mitch hasn't spoken to him since that night, and you know how Mitch is. Auston doesn't even look at him, and Zach’s only talking to him because he feels bad that everyone is making every effort to ignore him but me. The whole fucking team loves you, Y/N. Oh, and Derms took a slapshot at his ankle the other night and he had to sit out for an entire period.”

My eyes are brimmed with tears and I have to look up at the ceiling of the car to keep them from spilling over. “Can you let the guys know i'm leaving? I'll obviously talk to them, but I don't want to be the one to break the news to them.”

Will nods. “Of course.” he smiles at me then and looks away from the road for a split second to wipe away a tear.

•••

I sit in the third row to watch the boys’ practice and try to continue writing, but the yelling and pucks hitting the boards constantly is distracting, so eventually I give up and watch them skate. During a water break, I catch myself watching Kasperi. All he does is take a few deep breaths, but watching him like this, as if nothing ever happened, makes my heart shatter. Before I can look away, he looks up at me and I watch his entire face fall. He stares at me and I stare back. He studies me, as if to memorize me. I can't look away, and he refuses to skate away. He continues forward, until he's at the boards and we’re a few feet away from each other. Neither of us can pretend we weren't looking at each other. He stops, and so does my heart. And we just watch each other. Just stare. My heart is breaking with every moment that passes, and my stomach hurts, because he was my everything.

A whistle blows. Kasperi whips his head around. The sounds of the rink come back into my ears, and we’re both taken out of the world where we were the only two people who existed. He skates away, glancing back at me once before never looking back at me again.

•••

“Y/N,” Willy says as soon as I answer his facetime call. I've been in Montreal with Max for about two months and I released my song about a week ago. Wills is driving back from practice, which is when he gives me a rundown on how “incredible” he was and how he's gonna kick ass at the next game. But today he looks anything but confident, his forehead a mass of worry lines and his mouth turned down into a frown.

“Y/N, your song is saved on my playlist, and I got the aux this morning. After practice, it came on. Most of us were singing, and I glanced at Kap, and he was just sitting there in his stall. He wasn't moving. Just staring straight ahead.”

I sit up. “Woah, slow down. I thought Kasperi and I were finished.” When I moved away, after the day at the rink, Will told me that Kasperi stopped seeming to care. He was out with a different girl every two days, bringing random girls home every day of the weekend. It still hurts, but it hurt more to realize that our entire relationship meant nothing to him. But if Will is telling the truth, which I don't doubt he is, it makes everything a whole lot more confusing.

“I thought so too, but listen. I think that it was your voice at first, Y/N. He hasn't heard your voice in months. And then he heard the rest of the song, he listened without moving, and as soon as it ended he got up, in just his slides and shorts, and fucking left the room.”

I'm silent, letting Will talk. “The rest of us didn't know what to do, so I tried to follow him. I found him in the weights room, and he was in tears.” Will flicks on the turn signal and turns onto his street, then glances at his phone to see if he should continue the story. I nod at him, holding my breath to keep from breaking down at the thought of Kasperi.

“I went to him and sat with him, and he just cried. I haven't seen him cry since he thought I was getting promoted to the bigs and he wasn't. But he was sobbing. So I sat with him, and eventually he calmed down enough to choke out that he misses you. He told me the girls were a front, and that he hasn't been able to sleep ever since that night. And, Y/N, I dont think he's lying. His eyes always have huge bags under them and he's so shaky. So I asked him why he did it, but he didn't have an answer. He said he missed you and he felt like you didn't love him anymore because you were always out doing stuff for your album, but I told him that was bullshit and he said he knew it. He told me he can't breathe without, and that he hates that he hurt you. So I told him to talk to you, and he said he'd try to text you later today.”

“Damn,” I respond, not sure how to feel. “I want to love him again, but I don't know if I can trust him.”

“You don't have to. He knows he hurt you, and that he has to work to get you back, but I am asking you to please just try to talk to him, because fuck, Y/N, if there’s a such thing as soulmates, it’s you guys. You're both in so much pain. Take your time, keep your walls up, but just talk to him.”

“Okay. Okay, fine.”

“Thank you, beautiful best friend. I'm home now, so I'll call you back in a couple hours?”

“Yeah, that’s cool. See ya.”

He ends the call and I'm left in silence. Then my phone dings with a text notification in my hand, and my heart picks up speed. I know exactly who it is, and I don't want to look at it, not right away, so I throw it across the couch with a pillow on top of it.

I put my head in my hands and try to slow my speeding heart by taking a few deep breaths. “Fuck!” I yell, then silently thank Max for going out a few hours ago. I wipe my face with my hands and sit straight up.

I stare at the pillow my phone is sitting under, knowing without ever checking that there is a text from Kasperi Kapanen waiting for me. My phone dings again and my heart jumps. I stand up and rip my phone from under the pillow.

‘wrong direction huh’

‘i miss u’

I cover my mouth with my hand and my eyes brim with tears. I sit back slowly onto the couch and read over the messages two, three, four more times before unlocking my phone and tapping on the text bar.

‘Dang, how'd u know it was abt u?’

I smile slightly as I type out the message and hold my breath when I hit send. I don't have to wait even a second before the three bubbles come up on the screen.

‘no idea’

‘ig im just tht good’

I laugh and type out another response.

‘Imyt. How r u?’

I bite my lip when the text bubbles come up, and a few seconds later his response comes.

‘could be better tbh. can’t sleep @ the apt nymore so i spend the nites b4 games @ 1 of the guys places’

My breath catches at the words. Then another message pops up.

‘im so sry 4 everything’

I bite my lip and close my eyes, taking a breath.

‘Thx. I havent stopped thinking abt u’

‘me neither’

I take another deep breath. Kasperi was my favourite person, my person, for so long. It's scary how easily we can fall back into simple, comfortable conversation, as if nothing ever happened. So I decide to be straight up and honest with him, and if he really does still care about me, he’ll understand.

‘U broke me, Kasperi. I never thought tht u would hurt me, and u literally broke me. I miss u more than nything and it hurts so bad to b without u, but seeing u in bed with another girl, tht broke me. It felt like our whole relationship was built on lies, and tht u never actually cared abt me. So yeah, i cant stop thinking abt u, and i want to b able to love you again, but u broke my trust and idk if ill ever trust u like i did before.’

I hit send and feel like I'm going to be sick. Everything I type I’ve told Will and all the other guys, but after the day I left the apartment, I never spoke to Kasperi about anything. The three bubbles come up on the screen and I hold my breath, then they disappear. They come up and disappear a couple more times, until a message finally pops up on the screen.

‘i wish i could take back everything i ever did 2 hurt u, but ik its not tht ez. i rly do want 2 fix this, tho. would u b down to ft l8r?’

I can't breathe, but I manage to type out a response without screaming.

‘Sure. Just text me when ur ready’

I take a deep breath and click my phone off. I'm about to get up when my phone dings again. I glance at the message and it makes my chest feel like it's going to explode.

‘ok i will <3’

I smile down at the screen and go to plug in my phone so it's charged when Kasperi wants to call. I really don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again, but the least I can do is give him a chance to apologize. He's already broken me so badly, even if he lets me down again nothing will compare to the amount of hurt I’ve already felt.

remember when i said i was going to start giving advice? even tho nobody asked? yeah okay.

first things first, i am NOT an adult, so not everything will be from like an adulty “ik whats best for u” standpoint. im in highschool, so hopefully this will be a bit more realistic and helpful!

so yeah, lets talk abt highschool

1. u want to involve urself in as much activities, sports, clubs idk as you can

a) IT LOOKS SO MF GOOD ON COLLEGE APPS ESP IF YOU’VE DONE IT FOR A WHILE

b) it is such a great way to meet people and make friends!!! ex. ive made so much friends in lax, i run the spanish club at my school, and im in so so many clubs which is literally so fun bc of the ppl u meet

2. a lot of ppl are grown in hs (except for freshmen yall weird)

i think this might just be my school but nobody is outwardly going to judge you or anything or like bully you. just don’t be like the super weird kid nobody likes and you’ll be fine

3. pls don’t sit there and not talk

i understand social anxiety and all that, but if someone is talking to you don’t just ignore them or have a super dry conversation. if someone’s talking to reciprocate that energy back!! 

4. making friends and talking to people is SO SO SO important

you will not get through highschool by yourself. you need a support system whether is be your friends, family, or the emotional support teacher im p sure everyone has

5. people aren’t going to peer pressure you to do drugs (mostly)

istg there’s sm shit on peer pressure but every conversation ive had abt it goes

“u got nic?”

“no, sorry”

“got it bff”

or

“want to take a hit?”

“nah im good”

“ight bet”

just say no, and nobody’s going to be an ass abt it. and if they are, drop em they’re not ur real friends

6. yes ur outfit and shoes do matter

OKAY LISTEN. esp if ur moving to a new school, the first week wear ur hottest, nicest, sexiest outfits u can and then you can be in sweats for the rest of the year. also get a nice pair of shoes that’ll last, if u got the money branch out but i dont so i got abt 3 pairs: forces, doc martins, and heels

7. social media is the best way to get tea

“omg yknow they broke up” “wait what? why?” “idk but she posted on her story with a new guy so”

8. the best way to make friends is to talk shit

“omg literally what is she wearing” “wait bc i was literally thinking the same thing” 

9. GO TO HOMECOMING AND PROM (unless nobody else is going)

IT IS SO MUCH FUN. DO IT. GO WITH YOUR FRIENDS. AND IF UR GOING TO DANCE WITHOUT UR HEELS OR SHOES BE CAREFUL BC THERES DEF PPL DRUNK AND CAN AND WILL THROW UP

10. you will have people talking about you

no matter how hard you try its going to happen. just deal w it and move on, its okay 

ill keep adding onto stuff if i remember anything else! love u all <3

WOW alright. This is long please ignore im just pissed tf off. 

So once upon a time i lived with a(n apparently former) friend named ezra and he decided 2 months into our second year of our lease that he was too depressed to live in our apartment anymore. He says hes gonna move back in with his parents but continue to pay the rent. Alright. Kinda a bummer, but im used to people bailing out on living with me. (this would be the 3rd time lol) This boy took almost 3 months to move all of his stuff out, and still didnt get everything! He left trash, dead plants, game consoles, and other random belongings scattered around the house. I tried for a month to get him to finally come get the rest of the shit he left and leave his house key (SINCE HE DOESNT LIVE HERE), until he finally did, but left what i just mentioned and DIDNT leave the key. I ask him if hes gonna come back the next day to get the rest of his stuff. no response. I tell him im just gonna keep his stuff if he doesnt come get it the next day cuz hes had 3 MONTHS to get it out and im getting annoyed. I get a letter in the mail saying there was something up with the rent, which his parents pay his half of. ik i paid by half exactly so im wondering if they overpaid this amount or underpaid. no response. OKAY. i text him say id like him to respond to me when im trying to talk to him about important things. no response. at this point im getting pissed off and i text him once a day the next 2 or 3 days being like DUDE. TF. FINALLY he answers and he just say “keep everything. bye” LIKE???????? I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GO ABOUT THIS  LIKE AN ADULT AND YOUVE BEEN THE ONE IGNORING ME AND LEAVING YOUR STUFF HERE WHEN YOU DONT LIVE HERE?? We were on totally good terms like a month ago so idk why he suddenly is acting like im being a huge bitch? God forbid i try to keep him accountable for HIS RESPONSIBILITIES. I tell him i dont really wanna keep his stuff, and that he still has the key ive asked for a few times. He says hes gonna turn the key in to the leasing office when the lease is up. excuse me NO??? I say that he doesnt live here, and im not comfortable with him having a key to my house. suddenly thats a direct attack on him and he goes “oh my god do you think im just gonna barge in whenever i want?? jesus” Like....yes I am worried abt that bc youve done it before! and thats not even the point! YOU. DONT. LIVE. HERE. YOU made the decision to move out, you loose access to this house. Thats that. I dont want ANY of my friends just having a fucking key to my house! (except my bestie but ya know) And i was like trying so hard to stay calm and continue to be AN ADULT and not a WHINY VICTIMIZED BITCH BABY and i was like “then why do you need it? i live here, you dont, i dont want you to have a key especially not with the way youre acting rn” and hes  like “ i dont need it. Ill turn it in to them early if thatll make you feel better” Like better but also no?? I need to know you dont have the key anymore and its my house and I want the key?? why is that such a hard request?? I tell him to mail it to me or throw it in the bushes by the door since he apparently hates my guts now for some fucking reason and refuses to see or talk to me????? he of course has stopped responding again so i tell him if i dont get my stuff back (including some chopsticks he accidentally took) that i would drive out to his house to get them from him. I came home from work and the chopsticks were left at the doorstep but i still didnt see the key anywhere. So i texted him asking about it and of course he didnt respond. I honestly have no idea what set him off. I thought we were p good friends but if hes gonna be acting like this im not even sure if i care he doesnt wanna talk to me anymore. i just want the damn house key back. Im sure his super paranoid, untrusting, asshole parents said some shit to him and thats why hes acting like this. He straight up told me that his parents hate all his friends. theyre toxic and i knew him moving back there was going to be bad but not this bad. he unfollowed me on here so i dont feel bad abt posting this. but if he does see it, i hope he knows hes being a huge dickwad