Can we pretend April isn't over? It doesn't feel like it should be over. First and foremost, I got sick again because my immune system is trash lol (I have been sick every month this year). I also joined the Velox Formido Game Jam where I made a game in 36 hours! It was a nice reset/break from BA even if it was a chaotic time. I have done the other 2 iterations of the jam so missing this one felt wrong lol. With that said, both of those things did cut into my time with BA.

I mostly focused on coding in a lot of things + editing through sections. There was very little writing done this month. I wrote the other two ending scenes for Chapter 2, as well as the the other RO pov end scene. I just need to finish the student government path + random scene variations and then the writing will be done! Since I've also done a decent amount of coding/editing for this chapter as well, I really just need to finish the last sections and write/code them in and the update will be ready! I'm aiming for the end of May for chapter's 2 release, with the first week of June being the latest! I hope you guys enjoy it when it comes out!

As for the blog, the end of April was suddenly really busy with asks?? I'm so used to it being slow LOL With that being said, I might not answer as many asks as often since I want to focus my energy on wrapping up this chapter! I'll still be answering a few a day, usually during my break at work, but home time will be focused primarily on the game! Hopefully I can catch up on them during weekends, but no promises!

Anyway, today's preview is more Family Fun Times:

Backstage Notoriety

Synopsis: Chan trying to shush you, as you try not to alert the rest of the boys about what you're doing backstage

Pairings: Bang Chan × Soloist!fem!reader

Warnings: SMUT MINORS DNI, fingering, overstimulation, Degradation (like only a little), praise, gagging kink, necklace is used as a gag, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it), pregnancy joke, angry sex, rough sex

A/N: ITS YO GIRL MONA BACK WITH ANOTHER SMUT YALL WOOOHOOOOO I really like this for some reason I had fun writing it. Also Chan has got me in a chokehold rn I NEED THIS MAN TO BREED ME. And yes this is me procrastinating on my ongoing wip.

Dating a fellow idol was something you never thought you'd do in your entire life but here you were. Staring at your boyfriend dancing with the rest of his kids members and watching all his Stays with bedroom eyes. To say you were jealous was an understatement. A very great understatement, that is.

Being a soloist was a lonely job, with the one exception being that you didn't need to follow a packed schedule like other groups did. You could just sit back after your stage, and stare at everyone's outfits backstage, as you wait for your boyfriend to take you home and fuck you into oblivion. Yet as you watched your boyfriend show off his waist in a crop top your favourite colour, you couldn't help but want him to notice you. Stupid horny teenager coded feelings right?

"Haneul how much time till they finish?" You asked your manager who was packing up your things. She looked over at you and smiled. "Just another minute or so Y/N be patient you'll see him soon enough." She bent down and kissed your head "I'm going home alright? Tell Minho where I went or he'll go crazy. You'll come with Chan or should I tell a car to wait?" You shook your head at her. "I'll come with him don't worry. You should worry about Minho though he's gonna go mental when he finds out you left without him." Haneul let out a laugh and patted your shoulder before quickly walking out the door, leaving you all alone.

The sound of thunderous applause startled you, as you saw your boyfriend quickly walking down the stage, seven kids following him like penguins. The first one to enter the room was your boyfriend, suprisingly not covered in sweat and fashioning a towel round his neck. His face was not without happiness as he caught his eye on you and strode over, making adorable grabby hands.

"Baby!" he hugged you tightly, as you did everything in your power to stay mad at him, "Next time I'll make sure they arrange our shows right after one another. I can't stand not being with you for so long." "hmm" you hummed in response, not reciprocating the hug as you usually did. The rest of the members had entered the room by then and you spotted Minho frantically searching for his phone. "Haneul went home Minho." you cried at him, successfully catching his attention as he looked at you with widened eyes, "Don't worry, she's probably waiting for you."

"Oh alright." Minho said, plopping down onto the sofa, "Thanks for the message." You smiled gently at him, and turned to pick up your phone, when warm arms wrapped around your waist, making you freeze in your spot. The offer to sink into Chan's embrace was a tempting one, one that would effectively ruin your plan. "Did I do something wrong baby?" you heard Chan's voice whisper in your ear, tone akin to one he'd use for a child. You were being childish after all.

"Just tired Chan. I need to get home alright?", you briefly responded, wiggling away from his embrace. "I'll drop you off to the car." Chan responded, wrapping an arm around your waist so tightly that you couldn't protest, "I left something in my dressing room anyway so we can just get that on the way hm?" His tone worried you slightly. It was unlike the lovey-dovey one he usually used with you. Lovey? yes. Dovey? Definitely not.

The silence between you and Chan was too loud as both of you walked to Chan's dressing room, which was relatively near the exit point. His stare remained in front of him, not even a glance at you. You, on the other head, were trapped in his hold on your waist. It was tight. Too tight. The Pain kink comes in handy though right?.

"You really thought ignoring me would do anything baby?" Chan suddenly spoke up, when you reached the door to his dressing room. You shuddered as he pushed you against the door, one hand on the doorknob, the other holding your chin to him. "Chan-" "Nuh uh baby." He glared, "You're gonna pay for this."

Chan bombarded your lips with his and kissed you with every inch of pain in him. You would have melted into the kiss had it not been for Chan opening the doorknob and pushing you in.

"Wearing this cute little outfit and ignoring me." Chan mumbled in between the messy kiss, "Stupid little girl aren't you?" You gasped for air as Chan slid his fingers down your panties. You decided to give your stylist a bag of chocolates the next day, for giving you such an accessible dress.

"Ah Chan!" You shout out as Chan moves his fingers around your pussy, touching you exactly at all the spots he knew you adored. Chan slowly pulled off your underwear and threw it on the floor before pulling you into another kiss, fingers still racing across your cunt. His other hand reached up almost automatically to your hair, gripping it hard. You moaned into the kiss at his touch on your scalp as your hands quickly undid his trousers.

He’s rough. Good god, he’s fucking rough. His cock stretches you open deliciously, slamming into the deepest parts of you. The slick sounds of your dripping arousal fill the room with every violent thrust. You were sure your already short dress was about to get shorter as Chan kept such a firm grip on them, feeling the fabric twisting in between his fingers. With Chan continuing to fuck you, It’s almost impossible to keep yourself quiet at a time like this.

“J-Jesus,” you gasp, “holy fuck, Channie, y-you, fuck, you feel so fucking hot.” Your voice wavers in pitch and volume. Chan maintains a brutal pace, which you could swear he does on purpose. He lets out a gruff chuckle.

"It's Channie now is it baby?" He mocks you, "Fucking you so good you can't even speak can you?"

You let out a loud yelp when you feel his hand give your ass a hard slap. You jerk forward, shuddering on his cock. You can feel his towering frame lean over you, pulling you up by the shoulders, gathering you to his chest. He puts his fingers in your mouth, silencing your cries of lust.

You suck on his fingers, moans bubbling in your throat as Chan pistons his hips. It’s almost embarrassing how much you like the feeling of Chan using you like his personal doll.

“Babe,” Chan slows down. “As much as I love hearing what I do to you…” he gently maneuvers you, flipping you to look into your eyes. His hand tucks a piece of hair the fell onto your face behind your ear. His hand cups your cheek, the sweetness of his actions causes your mind to run wild with what kind of degenerate, devious plans he has in store for you. He reaches over to his neck and slowly unclasped the metal chain decorating it ever so wonderfully. "You're way too loud darling.”

"Open your mouth for me darling." He cooes at you as he shoves the necklace into your mouth. You wince in pain as the cold metal hits your tongue. Chan stares at you with an amused look on his face. "That's my good girl." He praises, giving a sudden thrust, which makes you widen your eyes.

You make a muffled cry for more, your soft and loud moans were music to his ears. He breathed heavily along with you as held onto your hips tightly. Skin smacking echoed in the room and you heard his soft groan which sent you coming. He groans louder as you clench around him.

Thankfully, Chan didn’t argue or get you to beg for his cock any more as he jolted his hips into you. “Always so loud aren't you darling?”, he scolded light-heartedly under his breath.

“Cha- Channie no more,” you plead with the necklace muffling your tone, tossing your head back onto the wall, hips bucking up into his despite your words. Chan growls, pushing you down by your stomach and blanketing your body with his own and pressing your knees almost up to your tits.

“You can take it, my dove, I promise,” the words come out choked, hoarse, but you wither under them nonetheless. The necklace had been laying down on the floor, having been detached from your mouth a long time ago. You can feel his cock pulsing deep inside your walls, seed almost spilling out from your entrance from his last two orgasms. You’re sure he’s overstimulated beyond belief, just like you, but he just can’t seem to stop.

“Wait, don’t cum yet; I’m so close, don’t cum”, you begged , not entirely wanting it to end just yet. Chan gasped, his mouth opening wide as his eyes did the opposite as they clenched shut as he concentrated on fucking you and not having another orgasm.

It doesn’t take long to feel the first flutterings of that eye-wateringly beautiful sensation between your legs as you quickly stammer, “I’m cumming! Fuck!”. Chan’s legs nearly gave out underneath him, hearing your sweet words.

As your pussy contracted in wet bursts around him, Chan released every drop of cum inside of his body, deep into your walls so that you could feel yourself becoming full and it beginning to drip out as it became too much. His thrusts slowed to a stop as you both slumped against the wall, bodies covered in a thin line of sweat.

"You alright honey?" He mumbled into your neck as he holds you tightly in his arms. "I'm good." You simply respond, cradling in Chan's warm muscles. Chan quickly deposits your weak figure on the divan before rushing off to find a towel and a change of clothes.

"I'm sorry Channie." You mumble, feeling your face turn red as Chan puts your shoes back on. He looks up at you with an amused expression and hums. "It's alright darling." He chuckles, "My jealous little baby." You slap his arm playfully as he gets you up slowly and walks you to the door, this time the grip on your waist being a comforting one.

"I wonder if your cum took or not." You blurt out. Chan looks at you with widened eyes before giggling. "You wouldn't really have to get used to being called mom do you? What with your seven adopted kids." "Our seven adopted kids." You correct him as he blushes and kisses you on the forehead.

"Seven kids who are probably wondering what their mom and dad have been doing backstage."

I wanted to throw in my opinion on the Trans MC if you want it! Option 3 would be a lot of extra writing and coding, so I get that it wouldn't be a decision made lightly and it would be added pressure to get it right and it's a sensitive topic for sure. I will say that if you chose to go this route tho, it would make a huge difference and mean a lot to us. I'm a trans athlete, and the lack of representation can be really discouraging. It's time like these where we are receiving so much hate, especially when it comes to sports, that allies could really step up and make a difference. Reading can really open people's minds! It may be difficult and uncomfortable, and take extra work, but that's our everyday tbh. We out here living on hard mode 😂 that's just my thoughts on the matter but I will respect you and read your story either way. Much love 🏳️‍⚧️♥️

Hey! Thank you so much for sending this! This gets long, forgive my wordiness.

First off, I really feel your statement to the bone, the part about how allies could step up and make a difference, and how positive rep in media, games etc. is insanely important.

So many stories, TV shows, movies have shaped my experience of being queer and POC, and while some of them have been nice just so I could see someone like myself being represented, the ones that really made an impact are of course the ones where these identities were explored in a sensitive, thoughtful way. (When I watched Saving Face for the first time at 17, about a queer Chinese American doctor, I bawled my eyes out and dont think I've been the same since).

I would absolutely love if CT:OS/my IFs could do this for trans athletes too.

I've seen/heard so many worrying statements about trans athletes (both in real life and in the media)—and it makes me so sad.

Some that really get me really riled up are: The idea that a trans athlete's accomplishments mean nothing because they "have an unfair advantage" (or putting it down to "just hormones" or whatever instead of recognizing the hardwork, skill, and dedication behind EVERY successul athlete, trans or not). Or the idea that trans athletes shouldn't get to choose to be trans if they want to be athletes. Or the idea of policing trans athletes' bodies or forcing them to undergo surgery in order for them to be "valid"...

Well, FUCK THAT. FUCK those people.

If my IF can help celebrate trans athletes, and combat/shut down the really harmful (and ignorant) rhetoric out there? I'd love to do that.

But since I am not trans myself, it feels doubly, triply important that I wade really carefully here. I'd really need to spend time making sure I like and can stand behind what I'm putting out. I don't think it'd be responsible representation, otherwise!

I'm not really a perfectionist about my writing and that's how I make progress on my IFs while working a full time job. I'm more the... "slap shit tgt, get it out there, get feedback and edit if I feel like it" kind of writer. And I don't think I'd be able to finish CT:OS / Merry Crisis any other way. But when it comes to race, gender, and sexual identity? I really. Really. Wanna get things right.

(I rewrote that Rayyan convo about being a POC athlete with Deepal so many times haha and it was already marginally less scary, since I am a POC athlete.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I agree it's so goddamn important to have trans stories, and rep, especially in sports, where views are often so toxic and polarized.

But I don't think I know yet whether I see my IF being more a simple "yay, trans rep" kind of space or an actual deeper exploration of what it means to be a trans athlete. I was quite prepared to add the option to be trans (+ any accompanying scenes etc.) when I have the complete CT:OS 1st draft, but I was also toying with the idea of just putting something imperfect into the game earlier.

Faced with indecision, I've opted for: procrastination. I am still waffling, but it was helpful to hear what you guys think. Thank you so much for your message.

Lots of love, keep being awesome ❤️

100 days of code - days 24-25

Hi! Long time no see!

Monday - Nov 13, 2023

My main goal for this day was to close a project I was procrastinating to do. And I finally did, maybe I'll write a post only about it (if I'm not too lazy) to review, since I stopped it in the middle to do other things. It is a project where I had to use docker and up a WordPress website, with nginx and a database. It was boring, I think I don't like devops that much. But the knowledge was worth it, I had to make a lot of scripts to configure the containers and the overall docker knowledge is useful.

In web dev I studied about CSS positioning (fixed, absolute, static, relative, sticky). And about custom properties that are like variables in CSS. So you can reuse some values in many places.

Tuesday - Nov 14, 2023

I read about browser compatibility, and what I can make to avoid problems.

Also learned a little about CSS frameworks that was something I always listen but not really know what it was. My understanding is that frameworks are basically libraries with some useful, ready code for you to use in your own projects. So you don't need to reinvent the wheel.

That's it.

Well, I was missing for, idk, 4 days; I was feeling a little down, and I wasn't really inspired to write here. Idk maybe I'm charging myself too much, for writing long posts, and It makes me procrastinate on writing. So, I'll stop charging myself this way, if I write a small post it's Ok if I write larger posts It's also Ok. I just want to have the commitment with myself for studying and writing every day and turn It into a solid habit.

✨Weekly Progress 2024 #16-17✨

Procrastinating...? Nooo, what are you talking about? (✿◡‿◡)

Weekly Progress #16

Researched loop code ideas

Prepped fan project idea

Finished scripting (music + VA) for SYVNH main game

and SYVNH Side B

Additional SYVNH voiceline (recorded & implemented)

Linearted Dove & Avia sprites (SFB)

Linearted SFB sprite expressions

Flat colored SFB sprites

Scripted Death Decider, S1-S3e1 SYVNH loop

noted ideas for resolutions of potential game breaking cases lmao

Weekly Progress #17

Scripted S3e2-S3e5 SYVNH loop

ID'd BG and CGs for SFB

Fin P^3 outline

Reworked variable logic for SYVNH

If you see me reblogging things about 30 min to an hour before posting this, I got distracted as I was updating haha.

And okay, yeah, I'm procrastinating. I don't want to final test 80k+ word script...

Stuck in a Yandere Visual Novel...HELP!!

Not sure what to say here, there was just a lot of scripting in the past two weeks. Realizing I had to script/check about 200 pages worth of content broke me for a few hours.

Then I said, "Pumpkin!! This isn't going to script itself! Get to work!!" and pushed through. It actually wasn't that bad since the looped content is significantly less than any of the scenes I had to script before.

The loop gave me a bit of trouble and I had to rework all the variables. As it turns out, one variable was not all I needed to make that portion of the code to work.

My original plan for the story was to use a persistent variable and plan to have the story in three acts: initial playthrough, loop playthrough, and final survival. In between each act, the player would not be able to access the previous act because, uh... I was inspired by DDLC pls don't hurt me fellow devs!! As I started checking the variables and coming up with ideas and some 20 variables for various encounters, I decided that was far too much work!!

Besides, it's better to be kinder to the player. The story can still be enjoyed the same way in one playthrough rather than multiple.

However... because I had one persistent variable and now need about 5 regular variables to accurately check the system, I had to update the whole script.

(I'm so scared to test the whole thing............)

A Sky of Falling Birds

Sprites are done to the flat color stage!

I'm convinced my art looks the worst at this stage so have some linearts too

They have multiple arm poses and a variety of expressions.

The initial count is 24 BGs and 18 CGs

This is a 20k word game.

I crack myself up.

P^3

Hopefully next time I update, I’ll have more info to share.

I finished the outline.

I have no more info prepared to share.

Hi! I just recently found about this IF, and I'll admit I sort of procrastinated with starting it for a dumb reason... the dumb reason being the lack of name suggestions at the beginning heh. I like to have a "canon" (or well, "semi-canon") name to pick if I want to, and when a game doesn't have any suggestions, I spend a lot of time trying to come up with a name, and sometimes I'm too lazy.

But I finally did it, and I found it quite enjoyable! I'm always a bit on the fence with reality show themed stories, but this one is nice so far.

The characters are interesting, and it's nice that we get the time and opportunities to get to know the ones we didn't pick or that don't interest our MC romantically too. All the more important in my case since the only character I can see as a romance option for my MC is Theo, and we can't even pick him. I just hope things won't get messy with Izzie - she's sweet but yeah, not my type and I can only imagine my MC as pretty exclusive anyway.

Aanyway! I'm playing on Noah's path though, considering we had to pick someone, and I like his platonic route so far, but in the latest chapter I've encountered some issues. It seems for some reason the game switched the relationship with him from platonic to romantic, which led to wildly out of character scenes that are clearly continuity issues related to coding First, early in the chapter, I had this segment pop up in the game: "He finishes changing before you even get halfway there, but he plants a small kiss on your cheek, "Find me when you're done." It seemed natural, effortless, and you can't help but smile at him as he leaves the room." I'm pretty sure it's the wrong text for my playthrough! And it continues on the next page, on which my MC goes to join Noah in the smoking area and is jealous because Amber is here and and he wanted time alone with Noah, and clearly the whole thing with seems sort of romantic in nature and out of place, continuity wise.

Next is what I'm assuming to be the end of the chapter: Back in the room, where Noah says how he doesn't want Vanessa to pick the MC the next day etc. It's clearly all stuff for a romantic relationship not a strictly friendly one. Also, he tries to kiss the MC and all, and well, I didn't go farther than that since it was just too strange to have this behavior from him, so I didn't actually finish the demo yet - I prefer to play through it when it's fixed - though I'm assuming I was not too far from the end anyway since it's the end of the day?

Anyway, sorry for being the bearer of "bad news" in the form of coding errors! I still liked it very much though, despite the hiccups.

I hope you have a great day!

So this comes down to me being an idiot - it's fixed now, thank you!

AKGHBKUEFYDGJ when I tell you I just BARELY got all my submissions from last year's Hiccanna month in in time for this year's Hiccanna month--

Truly I have levels of procrastination inside me that most college students can only dream of.

So anyways, here's a moodboard for a fic I wrote a full-ass year ago. A moodboard that I made...last week XD Better late than never, I guess?

The fic is We're at the movie scene where everyone drowns, and it's also posted both on my AO3 Infrared_Ultraviolet and my ff.net Infrared-Ultraviolet! Go check it out :3 Hopefully I'll have the time and energy to write more full-length one-shots for Hiccanna month this year, but we will have to see! I'm a working woman now earning the big bank so I can continue to pay my internet bills and maintain the fandom lifestyle XD

Anna gets to have terrible insomnia because she is my beloved projection blorbo and she gets to deal will all of my issues for me <3 But hey, it's not like it doesn't have canon basis! We see that she does in fact have trouble getting up in the morning (enough to make it a running gag!) and is pretty bleary and out-of-it when she does, which could easily be the result of not running on much sleep and (unwillingly) staying up late. We can also see pretty consistently that she's not what would be considered a "morning person" (although I have my doubts such a thing even exists in real life). Anna's pretty heavily ADHD-coded, which often has insomnia as a side effect because your brain will not turn off ever, least of all when you need to sleep. Things like time blindness when you get super into doing something right before bed or existing anxiety and/or paranoia that's exacerbated by the ADHD really do not help, either.

Anyways, I'm here to tell you that the fear of forgetting your sleep meds when you're going on a short trip/crashing at a friend's house is very, very real. Especially since you often don't realize it until everyone else is already dozing off and no one wants to take you to the pharmacy to buy more XD At that point, your options are a) start taking shots in hopes the alcohol drowsiness will put you to sleep or b) lie awake and get bored and angry and hate your life and also have no one else to talk to because everyone else went to sleep in under 5 minutes. Yes, it really is that bad.

The one upside is that there IS the possibility you will get to watch your crush sleep in a non-creepy way (like you didn't seek them out like a stalker--you just can't go the fuck to sleep and they happen to be 5 feet away!) and fawn over how cute they look doing it XD Which is the only thing that gets Anna through the night, I'm pretty sure!

Although being alone with the stars and the creature noises doesn't sound half bad, if you HAVE to stay awake XD Better than staring at the wall of your room, anyways! Still praying for Anna to get that Starbucks the next morning, tho ^^;

Man, I really wish my college campus had had a duck pond with amusing but occasionally aggressive geese. We had some pretty insane squirrels, but staring down a squirrel is just not the same as being chased by a hissing goose. This is something that I think should happen to everyone at some point, to keep humanity humble. Also being followed around by hungry honking geese while you try to evade them and go to class sounds like the exact kind of college shenanigans I needed in my life! Instead of the depression-laden mess it actually was ajnsdlkuhkuedgh

I love the idea of Anna kinda inadvertently memorizing Hiccup's freckle patterns and finding little designs in them, like constellations <3 She pays WAY too close attention to him, and it shows XD I remember back in college I was gone af for this one guy, and I noticed he had this freckle pattern on his cheek that kind of looked like a baseball diamond. And I adored the fuck out of it ;____; If anyone replaced him with a clone who didn't have that little baseball diamond, I would catch on SO DAMN FAST. I imagine Anna would do the same thing with Hiccup XD Ain't nobody swaps Hiccup for a doppelganger without Anna being ON THE FUCK TOP OF IT.

Pretty pleased with how this one came out! I kind of wanted to do a juxtaposition of dark pics with well-lit pics, and I think the end result turned out pretty decent! Also ended up with a green, orange/brown, purple, and black color scheme, which all go together surprisingly well :O

Any modern AU Anna would also definitely own that exact greenish-blue sweater. Just sayin!

As always, pic credits available upon request!

Prompt Generator Roadmap Spring 2023

I'm not procrastinating, how DARE

Here's what's currently planned for the Hitman Prompt Generator (@hitmanprompts) and the Hitman Smut Generator (@hitmansmut), and more:

New Destinations

We already have a few detailed destinations (mainly Paris, Sapienza, Marrakesh, and Bangkok), and it's time to add a few new ones!

There's currently a poll running which destination from my list should take priority.

Bonus Missions

All destinations that have bonus missions in WoA will get those variants for the prompt generators. It's already all set up (thanks, past me!), I just need to implement some bonus mission specific scenarios.

Since Sapienza is already one of the more fleshed out detailed destinations, I'm starting with Landslide (totally not because it's my favourite bonus mission...).

The Inflatable Crocodile

Our friend is about to be featured in a few more situations.

Smut Generator

There's still a high chance of prompts being inherently unsmutty. I'm going to fix that, and while I'm at it, tweak some existing ingredients to work better with the smut generator.

The Tumblr Bots

Since we now have two prompt generating bots, and I don't want to spam the fandom tag too much, I've reduced @hitmanprompts' frequency from every three hours to every six hours. @hitmansmut is currently posting twice a day.

If you don't want to see the prompts when browsing the fandom tag, feel free to mute the tags Hitman Prompt Generator and/or Hitman Smut Generator.

The Generators

You can now find both generators embedded in their respective Tumblr blogs: Hitman Prompt Generator | Hitman Smut Generator

More Generators

There are currently two more spin-offs of the original generator planned, and they already have (very empty, very under construction) Tumblr blogs: @hitmanangst | @hitmanfluff

There are also two generators for a different main protagonist/pairing planned. Not sharing any details before they're ready to go, though. I can't make any promises, but I'm trying to get them out before the end of the year. They require more work because I can't just reuse my base generator's code (apart from the HTML and CSS, obviously, but the JS is significantly more work at this point). Whenever I'm ready to work on them, there will be a poll which one of those variants should take priority (and whether you want Tumblr bots for prompts or not).

I haven't forgotten about the promised version with the drop-down menu to create your own pairings and the promised Y/N version that allows you to enter your name (or to leave it at Y/N if you prefer). Those are a bit trickier because, just as with the different protagonist/pairing versions, I can't just clone my original generator, and I have to not only add the drop-down menu and the text input, I also have to change every single prompt to include that. I can't make any promises when I'll have them published. Whenever I'm ready to work on them, there will be a poll which one of those variants should take priority (and whether you want a Y/N Tumblr bot for prompts or not).

And that's it for this roadmap!

I'll make a separate post soon-ish to talk about all the changes I've implemented and all the weird errors I fixed since I last made a generator round-up post.

No spoilers, but I've finally defeated my nemesis, the .consumableList error! 😀

For the ask game, all of them!

damn anon you're really putting me out there

well alright then :)

orchid- video game music counts, right? anyways Fanged Fastener from paper mario origami king is perfect. to me.

cactus- currently i'm learning about what would make a good gaming laptop, if that counts. i actually was trying to get into python coding a few months ago, but that's postponed until i get motivation to go back.

bamboo- usually when i get home i change into loungewear: a t-shirt and a pair of athletic shorts.

abelia- i don't take to wearing jewelry unless you count my earrings, which i think came from Claires actually??? anyways, i don't really take them off because i never really felt like it.

daffodil- i got one older sister. it would take too long to list how many differences i have from them, so i'll note one similarity: we both wear glasses.

mahonia- strangely enough, impending exam deadlines. turns out trying to study for a big test is great motivation for writing creative pieces. yes i know this is procrastination.

chia- i've got quite a few inside jokes with my splatoon buddies that barely make sense in context, but here's one with a separate online friend of mine: whenever we say our goodbyes we end out messages with an emoji rat. one time i even stopped myself from going to bed because i forgot to give her my goodbye rat.

sage- probably music is the most touching. i was in band from middle school to second year of high school, including marching band in hs, so that might be why i have a greater appreciation for music in comparison to other arts.

edelweiss- ok so back when lostbelt 6 released in japan, they used fairy knight for the fae servants before their true names were revealed. having 'afklancelot' can mean three things: either "a fairy knight lancelot", "away fron keyboard lancelot", or "a fucking knight lancelot." prolly the most creative effort i had in coming up with a url. as for why lancelot, well she's my favorite out of the cast in lb6, and her scribbly face is so goofy so

camellia- i was apparently really antisocial when i was young, even as a baby. my mom once told me that i was fairly content to be by myself on the mattress and would actually start crying if i were picked up. i'm still pretty antisocial irl, but online i can actually be pretty bold in saying what i feel like, rarely with filter.

jasmine- i really liked The Silent Companions by Laura Purcell, it was one of the few horror books that really captured my focus. will not be rereading though because 1) i don't have the physical copy and i have a habit of not rereading ebooks after the first full read and 2) the ending was fitting but made me a bit depressed, i felt really bad for the main character and her helplessness.

ivy- usually when someone talks to me and i answer in short terse answers it means i want to stop talking to them (tho sometimes it's because i don't have much to say). when i answer with stumbled words and a fast way of speaking, it's usually because im trying really hard to piece together what i want to say. same goes for messaging online: i tend to reply quickly to online conversations without much thinking since im excited to be included in discussions. usually when im feeling angry, annoyed, or upset, i tend to sigh dramatically.

chamomile- stuffed animals. preferably those with rounded body types, as they usually feel floofy and are comfy to lie down on/hug.

aloe vera- it's tied between 'flipping an egg on a frying pan' and 'climbing a tree'. idk this is a hard one.

palm tree- lutherrrrr from The Familiar :3 he's such an asshole who does asshole things throughout the story but he's so entertaining with surprising depth if you pay attention. one of the few characters where i'm torn between "i want to see him get a redemption arc and live on to change for the better" and "i want to see this man actively get worse and die from his hubris". so yeah.

nutmeg- aside from my bed, which has fish-themed bedding and has a lot of stuffed animals piled on top, my room's actually pretty neat from most clutter. i usually hang out in a separate room, which is neat in most places, but the only way i can describe the couch i mostly reside on is "messy as fuck".

papyrus- ive recently been listening to a few lord huron songs lately. in particular, Vide Noir and Long Lost ive been listening to on repeat, the former moreso.

taro- well, it depends on the person. if they're not into video games at much/at all, i usually just say general stuff on how i'm doing, maybe talk about books if they're also interested in reading. if they ARE into video games, i may tell them about the various games ive been playing, maybe including the antics ive been gettin into.

hey uh 8 months ago u posted: "i might compile a list of kdramas that either have very cool queer-coded characters, are explicitly queer, or just have a very queer vibe just to fuck around again so".. did u by chance ever post it? if u havent, no worries, but if u have the time, i would love to get ur recs- especially those w/ queer-coded characters or just a queer vibe (im researching q-coding for something im working)

aaah, thank you for reminding me of that list! i've actually got some time to kill (more like i'm procrastinating going to sleep), so actually, here's a list now!:

beyond evil

this show just immediately becomes number one on my list when it comes to queerness, queer coding, or almost explicitly a queer story in ways that i really just . . . have not stopped thinking about ever since watching this show. basically, this show is about lee dong sik (shin ha kyun) who, twenty years ago, was accused of kidnapping and possibly murdering his twin sister. now, hot shot new detective han joo won (yeo jin goo) starts working in dong sik's small town. when the murders start up again, these two go down a long path in finding out the truth of what happened those twenty years ago. the acting is just phenomenal: yeo jin goo and shin ha kyun are truly an acting match made in heaven, just because both are insanely talented.

what makes this story incredibly queer, i think, is just the relationship between han joo won and lee dong sik. neither are very much so interested in a heterosexual romance, which is interesting, because there are def. female characters that could have been their love interests, but not once is that ever enforced or even implied? i also have a post here somewhere about how dong sik in particular is pretty queer or expresses queer-coded traits (ie. his relationship with religion, his relationship with past male colleagues, his tendency to flirt exclusively with men), and han joo won expresses similarities (ie. unwillingness to engage in romantic relationships with women in particular). but more than that, these two share just such a deep relationship that it's incredibly difficult not to see them as romantic--it's also worth noting that the writer, director, and cast members themselves have very much so worked this story into something that's much more romantic. (ie. the writer and director noting that these two have a relationship that has very much evolved into love, yeo jin goo talking about how he thinks han joo won probably moved in with dong sik, shin ha kyun and yeo jin goo heavily improvising some of the most . . . romantic scenes in the show).

there's a lot of shows that i've been told are queer, only to be very sorely disappointed because i realize those particular recs take a very long stretch, but beyond evil is one of those few shows that i think. genuinely. is queer. i promise you won't be disappointed.

school 2013

and yet another show that i think is perhaps one of the queerest stories out in kdrama history. i'm pretty sure this was both lee jong suk and kim woo bin's debuts as actors too, which is such an iconic move on their part. but basically, this series is about the difficulties high school students go through in the korean education system. while this story is very much an ensemble story, jong suk's character go nam soon is, i think, the main character. he's not very academically inclined, doesn't have too much of a dream...and i think he genuinely is depressed because he hurt and separated himself from his best friend park heung soo (kim woo bin). things become very complicated when his best friend transfers to nam soon's new school, only now, these two are something between enemies/rivals/ex-friends-who-still-care-about-each-other-but-still-hold-a-lot-of-resentment-and-etc. so you can imagine all the angst.

there's some genuinely lovely scenes between the two of them. also worth noting that kim woo bin actually kissed lee jong suk (yes, there are photos) behind the scenes for one of the most dramatic scenes of the show. there's another rather queer pairing in this show (more like a queer . . . trio?), but the story between heung soo and nam soon is just such a key component of the story that i had to mention it first. this show def. has its cheesy moments, but nam soon and heung soo sleeping next to each other time and time again over the course of the series and also very slowly getting over their own hurts is just . . . this is very much so a love story, and i think when this show was airing, a lot of people were speculating the same. (also worth noting that jang na ra, who played the iconic teacher jung in jae in this series, explained in an interview that she genuinely things heung soo and nam soon love each other . . . so--)

sungkyunkwan scandal

ah, yes, but if we're getting a teensy bit past queer-coded-ness and instead moving into explicitly queer characters, i just have to mention this saeguk classic, sungkyunkwan scandal. this show is about an intelligent young woman named kim yoon hee (park min young) who, for the sake of money, pretends to be a man to enter the nation's most prestigious (and still one of the most prestigious universities today!) university, sungkyunkwan university. in the process, she meets her roommates--the stiff son of a government official lee sun joon (park yoo chun) and the wild horse of a student moon jae shin (yoo ah in). along the way, she also meets moon jae shin's best friend, the flirty son of a merchant goo yong ha (song joong ki).

what i really love about this kdrama is that unfortunately, a lot of kdramas will take the whole "gender bending" trope and have the main male love interest(s) go through this whole existential crisis of "oh my god aM i gAy? tHis iS aWfuL", which, of course, leaves a pretty bad taste in your mouth when you're, y'know, a queer viewer. but what i love about this drama is that while it def. starts with that reaction (understandable, given the era), it actually goes into a wonderfully progressive direction? even though the protagonist is a woman, the main male love interest very much so decides "okay, fine. then i'm gay." but it doesn't stop there?

there's a lot of characters who point out in this show that it's not a crime to love someone of the same sex. in one specific moment, goo yong ha confesses to lee sun joon that he has romantic feelings for his best friend moon jae shin--and jae shin and yong ha's relationship is very much so . . . queer. a very genuine gem.

while you were sleeping

okay . . . so full disclosure, this is probably one of those that are more of a stretch, but so many people ship all three leads together, so that's why i'm including them. also, i really do think they're all bisexual and in love with each other, so it works.

basically, this show is about three extraordinary individuals: nam hong joo (bae suzy), jung jae chan (lee jong suk), and han woo tak (jung hae in). these three can see snippets of the future in their dreams. by fate, all of their lives get entangled together, and what's really lovely about this show is that while the two male leads are in love with the main female lead, there's never . . . a real sense of a love triangle? these three work incredibly harmoniously together. (also, some of jung jae chan's scenes with han woo tak can very . . . easily be interpreted as ohhhh, he's got a crush. also, these three characters just radiate so many parts of the bisexual spectrum. hong joo and woo tak are on the very competent, distinguished bisexual side of the spectrum, while jae chan . . . jae chan's on the chaotic side. which is why i love them all.)

nevertheless

okay, so another full disclosure with this one: nevertheless is one of those shows that i just wish was better and also a show that i skipped about like 95% of the scenes, because the show is actually about the art student na bi (han so hee) dating the mYstEriOus student park jae eon (song kang). (spoiler alert: park jae eon is the walking example of a red flag.)

but ANYWAYS, if we look over their scenes (i love han so hee and song kang, they really are both lovely actors . . . and i think to be fair, they both said in interviews that people like park jae eon suck), we can find the genuinely touching coming-of-age queer romance between yoon sol (lee ho jung) and seo ji wan (yoon seo ah). these two are canonically in love with each other, and it's really genuinely lovely. i feel like wlw relationships in kdrama are specifically hard to come by, but this one, for its little screen time, was still so genuinely heartfelt and authentic that (okay, maybe i'm oversharing a bit) i felt as though i was really reading a page out of my own diary? like, the tentativeness and fear of potentially ruining a perfectly good friendship is so real in this show--but they really are quite sweet. :'))

shows i haven't watched, but i've heard very good things in terms of queerness/are now on my watch list because i've heard it's . . . got some queer-coded characters/queer stories:

the devil judge

okay, so i'm planning to watch this soon, so i don't have real thoughts on it so far, but as far as i can tell, it's about a dystopian korea where the legal system is especially fucked up. the chief judge and his . . . clerk? co-judge? share a very . . . . . . interesting bond. that's it. but i do know there's been some parallels drawn to beyond evil, which i still think is the peak of queerness in korean drama, so i suppose that must mean something!

move to heaven

so, while move to heaven isn't literally about a gay couple, this show is about a young man and his . . . uncle (? or friend? idk, i've only watched the first episode of this show) who basically clean out the apartments of those who have passed away, thereby giving some sense of healing to their loved ones. there's one episode about a gay couple, and i've heard it's incredibly beautiful. it's sad that there's obviously going to be death, but i've also heard that it's done with so much genuine respect and love and compassion for gay couples in korea.

unfortunately--and i end with this show on this rec list for this very reason, gay couples are still very much discriminated against in south korea. the discrimination is brutal. same-sex couples aren't allowed to register as a family unit, which interferes with matters regarding medical insurance and adoption, should any of these couples want children. and of course, there's everyday discrimination in the workplace, in school, etc. while i think people have slowly been getting better about queerness in korea, they're still incredibly conservative with queerness. so to have a story that so lovingly depicts a queer relationship means a lot--and i hope that in the future, there'll be more explicitly queer love stories. of course, i think there's a lot of power in queer-coding, esp. within the limited confines of mainstream korean television, but you know, times are changing, and i hope that shows like move to heaven and others will continue to push the envelope in queer representation in korea and beyond.

you seem like ur really picky when it comes to anime which isn’t a bad thing!!!! but what made bleach stand out to you?

flkdfjgklfdjkl i don't even know if i would call it being picky so much as just lazy?? like even if something is dumb/cheesy/generic, i'll usually still find enjoyment in it even if it's only in an ironic sort of way? like...trust me, my taste is not super exquisite or anything like that lmaooo i will happily drink the shitty code red mountain dews of anime in addition to the expensive, high-quality champagnes. half the time i don't even care if it's subbed or dubbed, my palate is just that basic tbh 🥴 but i did grow up in the 90's/early millennium watching anime and then i grew out of it after a while as i got older but now i'm like....too lazy to get into anything new because it just feels like so much time and effort and dedication??? like there's so many series that i just KNOW i would love, but i haven't gotten around to watching them. especially because i know how i tend to hyper-fixate on things and then it's hard for me to focus on anything else so i always tell myself "no, no, i'll watch it another day. i'm not ready to dive headfirst into this and make it my new obsession just yet" lmaoo does that make any sense? and that's not even just with anime but with legit any kind of tv show, or movie, or entertainment media in general. so many popular, well-known, must-see shows/movies are just sitting in my "watch later" list because i'm lazy and procrastinate all the time. OH, but tldr; here's what pulled me into bleach: for me, it was the characters. Specifically Ichigo at first. I just felt like he was such an interesting protagonist?? Like at that point I was used to dbz and naruto where the protag is just kind of goofy and adorably dim-witted and loves food, etc. but Ichigo was just so interesting and multi-faceted to me. Like he had this tough, IDGAF outer exterior, but then these soft, misunderstood, complex layers underneath, and that really stood out to me (maybe because it's something I related to a lot at the time....especially back then as a teenager because I put on so much more of a tough front than I do now and wasn't as in tune with my emotions or who I really was as a person just yet???). And then I also felt a similar way towards Rukia, she was very relatable to me and I loved, loved, loved her character. She was just so different from what I was used to seeing in other series and I was drawn to her. And even though I couldn't relate to Orihime as much as I could with Ichigo and Rukia, because she was a lot more bubbly than I was, I was still so endeared by her at the same time, and she eventually ended up becoming my ultimate favorite character, which I wasn't expecting. So yeah, I would say the characters and their relationships/interactions with each other is what really drew me into Bleach at first, and kept me around into the SS arc in which the plot was so good (and the OST was a total banger) and so I was hooked. Plus, as an added bonus, IchiHime ended up becoming my number one OTP of all time, like....I know I haven't gotten into a lot of series, but IH was just...it for me. It's the only fandom thing I've ever actually created and dedicated an entire blog to so dkjgfdkjgk, it was just kind of a natural progression to immerse myself so completely into the bleach fandom once I created a blog based on an aspect of it that I talked about every week when new chapters were released lol. I've never "interacted" like that with any other series before, if that makes sense.

Fic Writer Ask

I was tagged by @samirant and it's as if she knew I am desperate to procrastinate writing.

Name: Kira - nire & lesserfeelings on ao3

Fandoms I write for: Uhm hm. For the past two years, mostly Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth (GoT/ASoIaF canon mishmash), but in the last three months or so I've been drowning in Vincenzo/Hong Cha Young and I'm still not sure how that happened. I also have a couple of Zuko/Katara (AtLA) fics I still need to finish.

Two-shot: 26th of june is a two-parter series set in the season finale of Vincenzo, and it's kind of a mostly canon-compliant fix-it where he doesn't make any edgy fourth-wall breaking speech and instead spends the night with Cha Young, damn it. The first part is T-rated, fade to black. The second part is... the part that got faded to black in the first part.

Most popular multi-chapter: Oh, easily A Good Match, though that one is in joint custody with @slipsthrufingers. For a fic I wrote solo, it would be Waiting on a Steady Sun.

Actual worst part of writing: When I know I just have to push through and there's no easy way around it, but it's so damn hard to focus and everything I write (feels like it) sucks. Also, scene/chapter/fic endings. Last lines are hard.

How you choose you chapter titles: I don't, usually.

Do you outline? Not if it's a oneshot, usually. Yes if it's a multi-chapter, but that outline can usually fit in one post-it because it consists of a short bullet list with general beats I want to hit. I've tried detailed outlines before and it killed the fic. My brain just starts assuming the story's done because I've figured it all out. Never again.

Ideas I probably won't get around to, but wouldn't it be nice: Hmm. I've contemplated a post-war Fire Lord Zuko/Fire Lady Katara fertility problems fic because I want to explore the frailty of the monarchy system especially when there's no viable heir to the throne, and maybe see how Zuko deals with the post-war instability and war reparations, but that seems... a bit too work-intensive for me to do lately in my almost no brain state. Also will be very sad in parts. But wouldn't it be nice?

Callouts @ me: he smiles she smiles he grins she smirks he looks at her she looks away hands move here and there also laughs and chuckles. Please stop stage directing your character too much and yet all the same, you numpty.

Best writing trait: Hmm. I've been told I'm good at maintaining tension in a scene, and I think I am quite good at that. I also enjoy snapping that tension when it's time to snap it.

Spicy tangential opinions: hm most of my opinions aren't spicy. uhhhh people can write any fiction they want as long as tagged and warned correctly, and writing/consuming dark fiction doesn't have anything to do with one's moral values? i guess that's kinda spicy considering a lot of fandom is increasingly into hayes code again lately.

I'm gonna tag: @slpytea @eryiscrye @stutteringpeach @rosetintednerdglasses @trynatalktou @xtreasure @sunsoothed @ahenix and you, if you want to do this, yes you. Consider yourself tagged.

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

hi!! i've been following you since the end of 2017 and i'm so glad ure back :") i am a j1 kiddo this yr (gna be j2 in 2019) and i also take bcme. how do u manage to keep on top of things and how would u describe j2? would an average student still have time to relax e.g. watch netflix every week? my time management skills r honestly horrible and im v scared that i'll fail a's next yr :-( pls help!!!

first of all! thank you so much your support aaaa!!! 1!!1!1 it means so much to see that people do still care about sprouht-studies awww

j2 life is a hectic rush, but it was the best & most fun year of my schooling journey! the jump from j1 life to j2 life is rather huge, where ive found that the content for each subject had almost doubled. this proved to be a shock for me, but i decided to push on because that's life! in the case of my school i wouldn't say that the workload increased, but i definitely had less time for my hobbies!! j2 life is a lot about planning your time wisely, since most lecturers and teachers tend to give work early!! i would advice you to first understand & familiarise yourself with content knowledge, before delving into doing the work itself!!

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here are some tips that may be useful to you!! (ps. they may be a tad bit cliché but!! they've definitely been saving graces!)

1. plan, plan, plan! even if you may not be a planner in nature, i think that scheduling your time properly really helps to motivate whilst allowing you to keep track of your progress! i know there's a tendency (especially in the studyblr community, where aesthetic bujo spreads may deter newbie planners but!!!) to create not only an efficient system, yet at the same time make it as aesthetically pleasing as possible! but!! simplicity can be beautiful too! also! i believe in functionality above all although beautifying my schedule has given me a certain form of satisfaction!!! heres a sample of scheduling that i use religiously throughout my school year!!

i like to create timetables in my bullet journal!! it is rather time-consuming to manually draw the tables by hand, so i eventually turned to working on google sheets instead!!

2. be conscious of your progress! keeping track of your progress and productivity is a great way to do so!! in keeping abreast of my productivity, i was able to constantly reflect & discover areas of improvement!! through this process of mindful learning, i managed to weed out detrimental practices that hindered my growth!

i keep track of my progress using sheets! the areas are divided by subjects, and each subject is color coded! i referred to & updated this page regularly during my preparations for the national examinations!! i placed a list of work i had to do on the left column, and an empty column right beside it!! when i have completed the work, i simply put a "done" in the empty column on the right!!

3. the art of being disciplined! i'm no stranger to procrastination, and my lack of discipline hindered productivity during my school days. hence i decided to turn to productivity apps to keep myself in check!! my favourite apps are flipd & forest!! (ps! I'll be linking reviews and links to these apps soon!!!)

4. resilience & consistency are absolute necessity! jumping into j2, i was apprehensive about my capabilities at the start since i was barely doing well in j1; as hard as i tried, my grades fluctuated a great deal, and i dropped to a low of 38 rank points in the mid of my j1 life. during the holidays, i revised my past work religiously, and never stopped believing in myself. i started to put in the extra mile & graciously accepting tips from the study community! i used to only revise my notes, but i've found that redoing worksheets & reviewing them have helped a great deal! it made me realise that i was making the same mistakes over and over again. hence, i trained myself to keep a lookout for similar questions during examinations, which has proved to be useful!! in fact, in my j2 life, i managed to double my rank points!! my hardwork & consistent effort paid off!!!

I need to get some things off my chest. (tw?)

I don’t know how to start this. I keep trying to make sense of the things in my head but I can’t. I feel like I just sound needy and annoying. I feel fake; I can't possibly be sick if I look like this. I'm certainly not at my lowest weight. My lowest weight isn't low in comparison to the many other anorexics who’ve died or been in hospital. I didn't even look sick then. I looked normal. No one noticed then so how will they now, not that I really want them to. I just feel like a massive faker (in physical context too).

I feel this aching in my chest and I don't know why. I feel so goddamned empty, numb, and agitated at the same time. I feel like a goddamned failure. I am a failure. I am a piece of shit. He's fucking right, always has been. He hasn't been in my life for 4 years now and I can not blame him anymore when I haven't tried to change. I can't take responsibility, I should but I am not mature enough to own up to it. I keep saying to everyone that if he didn't hurt me maybe I would have become the person I so desperately want to be. But I don't even try. I just cut and starve myself and procrastinate on my life. My goals have always gone to the wayside since I was little. The only one I ever have a damn about is losing weight. It's more valuable to me than my dreams and my goals. I am 22 years old and I'm still wasting my life on an illness. I admit it but I refuse to fucking stop doing it.

My mom and her boyfriend want me to pursue what I really want to do with my life; I don't know what that thing/those things really are. I keep saying I want to work in the medical field but do I? I know that I can see insides and not be bothered, most people who have seen my scars would agree. I know anatomy. I find life and the inner workings of it so fascinating. Then there is the part of me that wants to really pursue my art. I love tinkering and making things, and making them perfect/neat. I really like my model kits and how therapeutic it can be. Maybe I go to school for the real world version, autobody. I can make things pretty and neat for a living. I just feel scared of being the only (or of the few) women in a male dominated career. I am not enough for myself so how can I prove to them that I am an equal. I worry that soon I'll move on to something else and if waste that time doing these in school I never get it back and there's money gone that I don't have.

No, I’m not happy, Bryan. I want so badly to rip the flesh from my bones. I want to cut the pain and the mistakes out of my brain. I want to forget who I am and erase my memories. I want to blow my fucking brains out and die without a trace. That’s not what you wanted to hear though is it? Like since I was a child all anyone wants to do is lock me away and let some stupid institution deal with me. They can’t fix me because I don’t want to be fixed. I want be erased. I want to turn back to clock to my conception to stop it from happening. I’m so goddamned tired. I am tired of being a failure. I am tired of living on borrowed time. I am tired of using this valuable space that someone so much more capable and valuable should inhabit. I am tired of living with the guilt. I am tired of the paranoia. I am tired of the voices in my head. I am tired and I want to leave. I want to feel what it felt like the night of March 11, 2017 all over again. Only I won’t make that fucking mistake again. I won’t ask for help. It’s not worth it. I am not worth it.

The cold floor. The warmth rushing from my arm. The smell of vomit in the air and the vomit on the floor. Those shakes. The calm in the end. I was so close.

But I am a coward.

[If you made it all the way here, I am sorry. Please don't report this or anything. I just needed to put some of my thoughts into words. It's been so long since I've done so. My head is a mess and I just want to sleep.]

[also, people are color coded by their favorite colors as to not confuse them. My mom's bf is green and her ex husband (who he is to me is not to be said) is blue)]

Answer them all (*ﾟ▽ﾟ*) this is what I'm gonna tell you when you reblog an ask thing, always.

WHAT

BUT

AAAAAAAAAAAH

WHY DO YOU DO THIS AGHSJDFKG

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? My girlfriend.. I’M STARTING TO ANSWER AND I’M GLARING AT YOU EMILIA2. Are you outgoing or shy? Aaahh outgoing!!3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My girlfriend AND my cup of coffee tomorrow morning~4. Are you easy to get along with? ..I hope I am!5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Yes..6. What kind of people are you attracted to? … Uhm.. next question all right~7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? I.. hope so..8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? All of my friends right now, I’m talking to them! And my girlfriend, always9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? … Yes,  but eehhrr I know I probably shouldn’t, so.. I try to act normally…10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Stella probably!!11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “What?” AHAH12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Neptune, Saturn, Venus by Sleeping At Last, Forest Fires by Axel Flovent, and.. uhm… I know it’s four songs, but I wouldn’t know which one could be the fifth!13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? I’d say yes!14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Y E S15. What good thing happened this summer? I got in a relationship with the person who is my girlfriend right now!16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yes!17. Do you think there is life on other planets? OF COURSE WHAT YES YES18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Nooooo ahah it’s been way too many years!! But I recently talked to her once because she casually found my number again!19. Do you like bubble baths? Mmhhh.. I can tell you that I like bubbles and I like baths!20. Do you like your neighbors? Yes, they’re really kind, especially the ones who live in front of us!21. What are your bad habits? I wouldn’t know.. I procrastinate? ahsdjfgk22. Where would you like to travel? The entire universe~23. Do you have trust issues? Nonononono24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Talking to others and looking up at the sky.25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? .. I wouldn’t know..26. What do you do when you wake up? I immediately try to remember my dreams!27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? Oh I’m actually okay with the way I am, luckily!28. Who are you most comfortable around? Kind of all of my friends, but mostly my girlfriend.29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Yes.30. Do you ever want to get married? I’M WAITING FOR THAT31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? NOOO AHAHAHAH32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? … what…….33. Spell your name with your chin. CHRFJDGZB NO ALL RIGHT34. Do you play sports? What sports? Can overthinking be considered a sport because ahsdjfkg35. Would you rather live without TV or music? Without TV, I actually don’t watch it often.. I’d never want to live without music!36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Uhmm.. no..37. What do you say during awkward silences? I think I often say something that comes to my mind like “That cloud looks like a horse”, or I simply ask “how are you?”38. Describe your dream girl/guy? Neeeext question~39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? There are very interesting shops here about Harry Potter and other fantasy series and just fantasy things in general, they even sell swords and fairy statues, they’re so magical.. oh and old fashioned shops that sell particular types of food and other things that you wouldn’t normally find, there’s one here in Italy called “Castroni” and I love it! 40. What do you want to do after high school? I’m already there, ahah! I wanted to study philosophy and here I am~41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Yes.42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? I wouldn’t know really! Maybe I’m really sad or wondering if planets have feelings.43. Do you smile at strangers? Yes and it makes me happy for some reason! I just hope they don’t find me creepy44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? AH. AAAH AH OUTER SPACE O U T ER SPACE O U T E R S P A C E OU T ER SP-45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? The fear that I’ll miss the train asdfghhjk46. What are you paranoid about? ….47. Have you ever been high? Noooo48. Have you ever been drunk? NOOOOOOOOOO49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? I ATE ALL THE COOKIES FROM THE PACKAGE AND MY MOTHER STILL DOESN’T KNOW50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Grey.51. Ever wished you were someone else? Maybe not..52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? .. I wish I didn’t have such a hard time making decisions sometimes.53. Favourite makeup brand? AHAHAH I DON’T KNOW I’ll let you know though!!54. Favourite store? Read the question 39~55. Favourite blog? All of my friends’ blogs!56. Favourite colour? Periwinkle YOU GUYS DON’T CALL IT INDIGO APPARENTLY AH57. Favourite food? Chocolate and antything sweet!58. Last thing you ate? Boiled eggs and carrots.59. First thing you ate this morning? I didn’t really “eat” anything, I only had coffee!60. Ever won a competition? For what? Uhm.. maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.. I don’t remember ahah!61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? Never ever sh62. Been arrested? For what? NOOOO WHAT63. Ever been in love? I don’t know.. I don’t know what true love feels like, or if I do but I don’t realize it, maybe yes.. 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? Oh I had just gotten in a relationship with my ex girlfriend, and I kissed her when I told her how I felt about her and she said she felt the same way.65. Are you hungry right now? Not really! Or maybe a little bit!66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? I LIKE EVERYONE STOP67. Facebook or Twitter? Twitter!68. Twitter or Tumblr? TUMBLR SADLY69. Are you watching tv right now? Nope~70. Names of your bestfriends? SSSHH71. Craving something? What? The mineral…BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH 2013 MEMES72. What colour are your towels? Mostly white!72. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two pillows.73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Yes ahah they’ll always be on my bed!74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? Mmhhh.. maybe 20 or so..75. Favourite animal? Horses, cats and birds!76. What colour is your underwear? NO. ASDHFJGK. NO.77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Both!78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Everything that involves chocolate and cream!79. What colour shirt are you wearing? Dark blue.80. What colour pants? Black 81. Favourite tv show? Does Code Geass count? ahsjdfkg82. Favourite movie? A movie I couldn’t tell in English, but the Italian title is “Al di la’ dei sogni”.. and .. uhmm.. I need to think about this, I think there are a lot of them but I wouldn’t be able to make a list now!83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? I never watched them!!84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? I never watched these either ahsjdfkg85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? AAH I DON’T KNOW I’M SORRY86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? I couldn’t tell! I’d need to rewatch it, but maybe Dory!87. First person you talked to today? Stella, SAY HIIIIIIIIII88. Last person you talked to today? My girlfriend for now!89. Name a person you hate? myfather I don’t hate anyone.

90. Name a person you love? My mother!

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Myself, all the time92. In a fight with someone? Uhm.. if you mean if I’m a fight at the moment.. no, I think.. 93. How many sweatpants do you have? Maybe just one or two!94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? EEEEEH. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH I LOVE HOODIES AND SWEATERS SO.. 100000000000000000000095. Last movie you watched? Does an X-Files episode count?? 96. Favourite actress? I wouldn’t know..97. Favourite actor? Nnnhhhh… I don’t know, I’m sorry!98. Do you tan a lot? Kind of, yes!99. Have any pets? A cat and a parrot and I love them so much aahh100. How are you feeling? ..I’m fine… coUGH101. Do you type fast? yeeeeEEEESS AND I’M STILL SURPRISED THAT I MAKE A LOT OF TYPOS102. Do you regret anything from your past? Yes, and no..103. Can you spell well? Ahah probably! 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? Yes.105. Ever been to a bonfire party? What is it?? 106. Ever broken someone’s heart? .. I wish I could say no… but..107. Have you ever been on a horse? I went to horseback riding for years!108. What should you be doing? STUDYING. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH109. Is something irritating you right now? … Irritating me… nothing! I just don’t really get “irritated”.110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? .. Eeeh..111. Do you have trust issues? Mh? Didn’t you already ask this? MMH112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? I don’t remember.. ..113. What was your childhood nickname? Oh I should ask my mother, but I’ve always been called Chris by my friends even back then!114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yuup115. Do you play the Wii? It’s a miracle that I’ve had a Nintendo DS ahsdjfgkh116. Are you listening to music right now? No, but I’m going to!117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? OH YES!!!!! YES!118. Do you like Chinese food? Is spring rolls considered Chinese food? I wouldn’t know, but I’d like to try it, I love trying food from other countries!119. Favourite book? It usually changes depending on what I find!120. Are you afraid of the dark? No, I actually like it..121. Are you mean? YES. VERY. I’M GOING TO STEAL ALL YOUR WAFFLES AND EAT THEM ALL BWHAHAHAHAHAH122. Is cheating ever okay? .. I…- … ..is killing people ever okay.. ?123. Can you keep white shoes clean? NOOOO NOT EVEN THE BLACK ONES 124. Do you believe in love at first sight? .. I strongly believe that you need to build a connection with someone to fall in love, but.. love has no logic so I wouldn’t know.. I’ve happened to fall for someone at first sight… I couldn’t compare it to what I feel when I fall for someone after getting to know them though. I do feel that there’s something different. But to me, love takes place between souls and they need to get to know each other somehow. BUT AT THE SAME TIME I BELIEVE IN EVERYTHING125. Do you believe in true love? Of course!126. Are you currently bored? Not really~127. What makes you happy? Philosophy, the universe, waffles, my friends, my girlfriend, my pets, my mother, the sky…128. Would you change your name? Actually, no! 129. What your zodiac sign? Pisces130. Do you like subway? I’ve never been there!131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? .. Ah.. ah.. ahah… … uhm.. I.. never knew what to do..132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? STELLA ONCE AGAIN SAY HIIIIIIII but wait, didn’t you already ask this? Or is it my impression??133. Favourite lyrics right now? “At first I thought you were a constellation, I made a map of your stars then I had a revelation”134. Can you count to one million? Aahsdjfg noo135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I wouldn’t know! Perhaps “I’m fine” while obviously having a breakdown136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Open, mmh I feel like this says something about people..137. How tall are you? 178 cm, last time I checked.138. Curly or Straight hair? Wait wait what are we talking about??139. Brunette or Blonde? WAIT WAIT WHAT140. Summer or Winter? WINTER AAAHH WINTER WINTER!! I CAN’T STAND SUMMER IT’S TOO HOT141. Night or Day? Night, and the moon and the stars~142. Favourite month? December!143. Are you a vegetarian? Noope144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Milk and white chocolate because they’re sweeter, but I just really love chocolate in general!145. Tea or Coffee? Both, but maybe coffee.. 146. Was today a good day? … Ahah not really buuuut147. Mars or Snickers? HA! Snickers!148. What’s your favourite quote? The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.149. Do you believe in ghosts? YEEEEEEEEEEEEEES ALSO IN ALIENS150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? ..OH.   “Names of stars and constellations were taking the place of a wonderful dream, where me and my parents were having lunch next to a river. Andromeda, Cassiopea, Centauri, and many other names from space were pronounced by his warm voice.” YOU MAY CALL THIS FATE. It’s a book that my girlfriend gave me because it reminded her of me, there’s one of the main characters who’s in love with stars and he talks about them all the time.