im gonna be very real and only say this once because there is zero room to change my mind on this
i am very psych critical and i agree with antipsych pricinicples and points, but bipolar disorder is a physical genetic condition that requires medication. point blank. medication is the Only proven effective treatment for bipolar and u cannot actually get better without it
and when i say get better i dont mean just slightly alleviate some things. i mean that remission means a complete and total lack of symptoms. if u are on the proper medication and taking it as perscribed then ur bipolar symptoms will stop. you will no longer experience mania, hallucinations, breaks from reality, delusions, ect. they will literally stop. and i say that so strongly because i know its factual because it is my very literal lived experience. it is also the lived expereince of everyone in real life that i have met and known throughout my 15+ years of treatment for bipolar disorder, which is dozens and dozens of people. I was diagnosed at 14 and have been in and out of treatment and on and off medication for over half my life at this point, and this is very much the reality
but u also don't have to believe my lived expereince alone. bipolar disorder is one of the oldest recorded mental illnesses (we have literally known about it since the early 1800's) and treatment for it has existed almost as long. lithium is a naturally occuring salt and the only known antimanic agent in existence and humans figured out very quickly that this specific salt made some of us not insane anymore. the effectivenes of lithium and other mood stabilizers and the rates at which proper medication will result in full remission for bipolar patients and how relapses almost always only occur when people stop taking their meds is Very well documented. a reputable study done in 2003 reported that over 90% of bipolar patients recieving medication as treatment entered full remission within 2 years. and 72% of those people reported ZERO symptoms going forward
do not listen to people who tell u that u dont need medication for bipolar disoder, that it wont really help, that it only helps a little, that u can manage without it, that it wont actually make ur symptoms fully go away. they are lying to u, often to justify their own misguided decision to not take medication and ruin their own lives. do not listen to them because that kind of thinking will literally kill u. take ur fucking medication.
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( park chaeyoung , twenty two , & cisfemale ) who ? these days , it’s all about blue hyong, who comes from los angeles & ca and is making headlines as a singer . she currently has a fan count of 42k , no thanks to the rumors of them being inflexible ! but , on the other hand , their most devout fans say they’re actually imaginative . last i heard , they caused quite a buzz when she publicly dissed her new record label and the misogynistic treatment she was receiving from their reps ! it’s no wonder they remind me of long rants in the notes app being posted to her twitter account , empty bottles of wine laying at recording studios’ floors & notebooks upon notebooks filled with lyrics she might never use but refuses to let go of .
well hello human friends !! n also hello to the non human friends too , wassup . i’m angie a dumb noodle from the middle of the south american jungle , and i’m here to introduce yall to this mess i call blue who’s a muse i have had for yrs now n carry w/ me wherever i go , with some minimal changes but she’s still the same messy bitch on the inside don’t worry folks ! so i will provide u w/ some background info on her n some possible connections under the cut . issa lil messy but we’ve been away for a while pls bear w me
blue is the only daughter to a couple of south korean immigrants that came to america when they were in their very early 20s n already expecting blue in order to chase the american dream n create a better life for themselves n their family . their life was pretty hard for a big part of blue’s childhood , while they were both studying n working odd jobs to pay for their education all the while taking care of a child . so blue didnt have the best childhood , not that her parents were bad or anything they just didnt have time for her . nowadays , they are a lot more comfortable in life , since her dad became a lawyer n her mom is a nurse , but they definitely didnt have an easy beginning .
ok so maybe bc they werent present durant most of her childhood they didnt notice a lol of signs that might have made things a lot easier for them , bc by the time they were available to emotionally be there , during her early teenage years , blue was already kinda a mess . she had grown up w very lil structure n refused the rules they tried to instill on her n was already used to doing things her own way . that lead to a lot of conflict between them , since they expected her to study hard n do well for herself in a nine to fiver when she was already sure art was the only way to go n while she did ok , she definitely wasn’t as good as her parents expected her to be .
so ... u know her teenage yrs were basic girl angsty she fought a lot w her parents n rebelled frequently n ran away from home like ... weekly , but she never rly had any real hardships . life was reasonably good but she always had something to complain abt ... just as she liked
[ MENTAL ILLNESS TW ]
but then she reached her late teens they all realized there was something going on other than the usual teenage angst she displayed all the time when she had her first manic episode . her parents thought it was a “ blue thing “ at first bc she was usually a very impulsive person n she rly didn’t have a habit of thinking before acting on her impulses , but her mom quickly noticed the signs of a manic episode when she realized how aggitated n restless she was , specially when blue described an hallucination she seemed to be having . they took her to a psychiatrist , she was admitted to a hospital n diagnosed w type 1 bipolar disorder n very quickly medicated . while the medication brought her out of her episode , n she was allowed to go home after her mood seemed to stabilize , blue also noticed it stunted her severely emotionally n decided ( against medical n parental advice [ pls dont do it fam !! take ur meds ] ) to quit her medication , falling into her first major depressive episode a few weeks afterwards . n for abt four years she’s been living w her disorder , n she doesn’t medicate at all . she’s super open abt her struggles n she has a Lot of them , specially w how much drugs n alcohol she consumes . i never said she was smart yall .
[ END OF TW ]
ok so as u probably assume , blue is an emotional mess . she has a very chaotic personality , n most of it isnt even from her illness or anything she just is a very chaotic person in general ? she is one of those artsy ppl who forgets to wash her own clothes so she ends up wearing the same dress for like , 3 days . she’s super outspoken n outgoing n rly easy at making friends if u can get past the dumbass energy she exudes 24/7 ? but yes just a very outgoing person n a outright mess most of the time . she is also soooo stubborn u will never get her to change her mind abt smth she believes to be right about in any way . u just cant . she loves a good time n loves partying n is the lack of impulse Queen soo if u got any bad ideas she is the one u should go for if u need any company . also .... so dramatic . she makes a big deal of everything n has 0 apologies abt that . just catch her crying over high school musical 3 or smth like that .
but yea on the bad side tho , blue takes up n gives up on projects so easily n she can be super fickle abt things in general . like , she will defend an idea for 7 hours but 2 days later she’s already onto smth else n doesnt even remember being so obsessive abt that other thing ? a mess . is also Quite abrasive ? if she thinks ur acting dumb shes not gonna be scared to call u out on it . can also have a Reaally explosive temper . not usually but specially during manic episodes she can be quite easy to annoy ngl . is very unreliable , especially if ur not too close .. tbh that is something connected to her disorder . when she’s on a manic episode , she will be too busy planning things she will never get around to doing or painting her entire house or spending 3 days awake n drunk writing 17 songs by herself . n during her depression is very hard to get her to do anything n even if she feels terrible , she rly cant be an available friend .
in regards to her sexuality , she’s an open bisexual and also is a crazy romantic n falls so hard for literally no reason . but like ... doesnt have the healthiest mentality for relationships ? not like in a toxic way but she will usually give 145% of herself at all times n honestly believes all of the ppl she falls for are the one (1) just wants to make things work no matter what . she’s v impulsive w/ meeting n falling for ppl tho so things dont rly end up working n she always ends up heartbroken over it . Well . At least she’s trying right ?
in regards to her career n art , she’s posted youtube covers n original songs for a couple years and gathered a decent following ? she wasnt huge or anything but she did get a record deal w an actual big label out of it a few months ago . blue was pretty happy abt it but then when the recording process started she realized they werent treating her as she thought she deserved at all ? which resulted on her taking her thoughts to some reps of the label n when she didn’t feel any difference in the way she was being treated she took it to the public ? which definitely caused quite a sitr bc she wasn’t a huge name but she was big enough ? so now she’s in some considerable trouble w her label but Also more famous than ever so they are choosing not to bury her for now ? she’s in some definite trouble though so it’ll be fun to see what happens next n what her moves will be ? spoiler alert : it’ll prob be smth dumb.
i still have so much to say but i’m so lazy wow . dont start ur intros so close to opening time folks thats my tip as an old internet auntie . OK SO ONTO SOME CONNECTIONS NOW
some label mates who she may or may not get along with ?
hookups !! she prob has a few she regrets too bc who doesnt am i right
best friends !! ppl who actually support her n she loves w no restrictions just love all around friends
exes </3 not gonna lie i have some sad ideas abt this one
good influence bc blue is a mess she needs one of those pls someone slap her head n make her drink some water
a fling she has feelings for but may not be requited ... i like my romantic connections to be angsty did yall notice
artistic soulmate !! someone her artistic bitch side just vibes with ? could be a songwriter or singer or anything tbh
some indecisive romantic shit where blue rly knows sh’s too messy n this person is too amazing ? but they still have feels so ... now what ?
this is p mcuh it ?? it has taken so long to finish this i hate myself but HEY if u like blue or dislike her u should hit me up so we can come up w some plot ideas ? i wish i had a quirky goodbye idea but my brain has just quit working guys so u get nothing from me other than a good old fashioned goodbye thanks for ur attention i love u
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I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on Ben having BPD
ok WHEW you just opened a fucking can of worms this about to be the longest post i’ve ever made i hope you have your seatbelt on
let me just preface this by saying nearly everything i talk abt in this post will be based off of my personal experiences w bpd. some people experience it differently, some people might not agree w some of the things i say, but i can only talk abt my own pov. therefore, this just my own personal opinions on ben having bpd. so yh lmao
and disclaimer!! i’m not a doctor!! don’t take anything i say in this post as diagnostic criteria! i’m not an expert or mental health professional!! when it comes to your own mental health or the mental health of ppl in your life, do not consider me a source to reference like ‘oh well lauren sunsetsover said xyz’ like pls just don’t do that. do your own research. and most importantly consult a doctor!!!!!! i am not one!!!!!!!!!
also there are very few sources in this post bc most of this is just shit i’ve absorbed over the years from doctors and doing my own research lmao
now that’s out of the way let’s go! (this became part character study, part informational masterpost on bpd. also it got really fuckin long, hence the read more, so be warned lmao)
warning for potentially triggering content (abuse/mentions of suicide and self harm - nothin too bad but i do touch on ben’s behaviour and history, and this is a p serious mental health issue we’re talking abt here so! take care of yourselves!!)
ok so! some things to keep in mind before we even get to ben:
i believe (at least in the uk) borderline personality disorder is considered to be an outdated name, and one that essentially isn’t appropriate or fit for purpose anymore, so in my experience, a lot of the time now it’s referred to as eupd (emotionally unstable personality disorder) in medical settings. which is way more apt name imo, and tells you more abt what bpd actually is (but i still call it bpd bc it’s easier and ppl know what that is lmao). so like. emotionally unstable personality disorder. i bet that conjures up a way more vivid idea in ur head than borderline personality disorder does.
no one 100% knows what causes bpd, though it’s thought to be a combination of genetic and environmental factors, like most things. but the general consensus is that bpd develops when something (usually traumatic, but not always in an extreme sense. ppl w bpd have often been victims of some type of abuse in their childhood, but that’s not necessarily always the case) happens in your childhood that impacts the development of your personality. kind of a bizarre metaphor but hopefully it will help u understand: u know how in finding nemo, the egg nemo was in got damaged by the shark? and even tho the damage looked minor, it actually meant that one of his fins was permanently damaged - it was malformed, it didn’t grow right, he couldn’t use it properly? well imagine the fin = the personality; that’s what happens to a person w bpd’s personality. smth happens to us in our childhood that permanently damages our personality, and so it doesn’t grow and develop properly as the rest of us does, making it less functional than an average person’s. u can imagine how that can lead to all sorts of problem (we’ll get to them later)
but bc it’s a mental disorder that affects the personality, you can’t be diagnosed w bpd until you’re 18, when your personality is basically developed fully (i believe it can be diagnosed slightly younger, but those are rare and extreme cases). however, symptoms can start to present themselves earlier, as ur personality begins to develop and mature. (mine started presenting in my early teens)
bpd doesn’t really go away, and treatment with medication generally isn’t effective for long periods of time. however symptoms can be treated with continued therapy, and symptoms sometimes can start to ease as you get older!!
bpd also gets misdiagnosed a lot bc a lot of the symptoms are similar to that of other mental health problems. the biggest one it gets misdiagnosed as seems to be bipolar disorder, which i get tbh. i’ve always considered bpd very similar to bipolar, just like… quicker cycles. there are even memes about it. also bpd has a tendency to coexist w other mental health issues, which makes it harder to recognise and diagnose.
so now lets look at this from a diagnostic perspective
in order to be diagnosed w bpd you basically have to deemed, by a medical professional, to be meet certain criteria, and to have been meeting these certain criteria for a significant amount of time. there are some variations to this criteria, and proposed subtypes and basically different flavours of borderlines but i’m not even gonna go there. i’m just gonna talk abt what i’m most familiar w and how i think that applies to ben.
i’m copying and pasting the diagnostic criteria part from here bc as far as i’m aware this is the criteria doctors use for diagnosis. there are 9 different ‘indicators’/’criteria’, and you have to display or meet at least 5 of them in order to be considered for a bpd diagnosis:
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
this is one of, if not the biggest part of bpd. that trauma i mentioned earlier? often stems from or is related to abandonment, or perceived abandonment, in childhood, be it physical or emotional. for example, a child that’s being abused by one parent might feel abandoned by the other parent if they don’t do anything about it, even if the second parent has no idea the abuse is going on. sound familiar? a similar thing happened to ben, with stella. phil not doing anything about the abuse ben was facing at the hands of stella - even though he didn’t know it was happening, even though phil did do something once he found out - was an abandonment to ben. and that’s just the tip of the abandonment iceberg for ben - kathy faking her death and leaving him was an abandonment (even when he thought she was actually dead), phil’s own abuse was an abandonment, as was his reaction when ben came out, and so on. and abandonment like that skews your thinking so you believe that everyone is going to abandon you, sooner or later, that they must be abandoning you for a reason, you must be a terrible person, you must be unworthy of people’s effort/time/love etc etc.
even when paul died, that was an abandonment to ben! like logically we know - and ben probably knows too - that paul didn’t want to die, he didn’t want to leave ben, he didn’t deliberately leave ben. but that doesn’t matter. mental illness is illogical, bpd is illogical, esp when it comes to abandonment. e.g. my therapist had to cancel a few of our appointments once bc she was ill, and it felt like an abandonment. like it was personal somehow, like she wasn’t coming into work bc of me, bc i was too much work, too hard to handle. ofc that wasn’t true, but that’s how it felt. it’s illogical. so ofc my solution was to just not go to my appointments even when she came back, bc like what other response is there lmao. it’s just that everything a person does feels personal, like it’s because of/about you, even when it isn’t. even when it has nothing to do w you. that’s probably why ben can come across at selfish at times, like he’s making everything about him. because it is all about him, in his mind. everything is because of him, is his doing, his fault etc. his way of thinking is skewed into thinking like that, bc shit keeps happening to him and ppl keep leaving him, so it must be his fault.
and!! ‘frantic efforts’ isn’t necessarily what u think it is!! it can be desperate begging ‘i’ll do anything to keep you in my life’ type actions, but it just as equally can be lashing out and abandoning someone in order to prevent them from abandoning u first - a ‘get them before they get me’ mentality (the whole scene where phil was in the hospital comes to mind - the ‘why doesn’t he love me back?’ was the more desperate part of him, tho it wasn’t necessarily an ‘effort’ per se, but then him trying to kill his dad basically in order to have the abandonment be at least on his own terms? that’s lashing out, and def qualifies as a ‘frantic effort’ lmao). and how often do we see that in ben? lashing out at jay in the hospital because he knew he was mad at him, and he’d rather hurt jay physically before he could hurt him emotionally? ben trying to support callum and showing him kindness, only to turn around and threaten to out him when he finds out callum asked stuart to sort him out? everything that happened w his dad, trying to fuck him over before his dad can get there first, trying to get rid of keanu so he can’t be abandoned in favour of him (although that didn’t really work, but it rarely does work the way u want it to lmao). and the biggest one to me, though probably one that people have already forgotten, is him breaking up w that guy he was seeing in newcastle even tho they were into each other bc he ‘had to, otherwise [he] would have ruined his life’. even tho we don’t really get details, that says it all to me. it’s v much a pattern that’s present in ben.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as “splitting”)
i feel like this one doesn’t need much explaining lmao
here is a definition of splitting from here (which is a very good article on splitting imo if u wanna read more abt it): ‘Splitting is a term used in psychiatry to describe the inability to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. Some might say that a person who splits sees the world in terms of black or white, all or nothing. It’s a distorted way of thinking in which the positive or negative attributes of a person or event are neither weighed nor cohesive.’
a little explanation of it from me: ppl w bpd can sometimes have very simplistic, all or nothing views on things. and splitting is basically when ur opinion on something or someone changes very quickly (sometimes instantly), often to an extreme (e.g. going from loving and idolizing someone, to absolutely fucking hating them, or from having a neutral opinion on something to suddenly becoming extremely angry abt it) sometimes without even having an identifiable trigger. it links into black and white thinking, which u may have heard of before - u either love someone and they can do no wrong, or u hate them and they disgust you. either something is amazing or it’s terrible. there is no grey area, no in between. it goes back into the whole ‘not being able to regulate ur emotions properly’ thing lmao there’s rarely nuances to our emotions or feelings, we’re all or nothing a lot of the time. so splitting is when ur opinion rapidly changes to one of these extremes. sometimes u can even go back and forth, splitting over and over on the same person/thing which is super fun.
ben splits on his dad all the time. all the fucking time. he doesn’t care about phil at all and wants to ruin him, then he wants phil’s approval and to be welcomed back into the family fold and the business. then ben hates him and wants him dead, then 5 minutes later he wants his love, wants to be a good son again. that’s splitting. u can also see it w jay, too, but no where near as extreme as w his dad. and i’ve seen it a couple of times w callum too, but again, it’s way more subtle. u probably wouldn’t notice it if u weren’t looking for it, whereas w phil it’s obvious.
but like i don’t need to explain ‘unstable and intense interpersonal relationships’, do i? just look at the relationships w phil, w jay, w lola, w callum, even w paul - they were unstable back when they first got together, and were arguably kind of intense too. (he settled a bit w paul, but his death/perceived abandonment fucked him up a lot beyond the expected ways). he’s always arguing w the ppl he loves. he tried to get poor billy killed, and yet since then he’s had no problem w him!! none of his relationships - apart from maybe his mum and ian (i don’t include lexi bc she’s a child) - are stable. and i would definitely describe his relationships as intense lmao
3. Identity disturbance: Markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
u can see this most - as most things - in his relationship w his dad. he fluctuates between seeming to know his worth (and demanding other people know it too), knowing he deserves his dad’s love and approval (why else would he be so mad abt the fact hes not getting it, if not bc he knows he’s worthy of it? if he didn’t think so, he wouldn’t be so angry abt not getting it - he’d be accepting/understanding, wouldn’t he?) and being desperate to do anything to get his dad’s love/approval, even things that are below him, turning into a child, begging to know why his dad doesn’t love him, why he’s never been enough. that scene where phil had found out abt ben trying to frame keanu and leaving him for dead is the epitome of this. u can see ben fluctuate between a hurt, traumatized little boy, begging his dad for some answers, some explanation as to why he’s not enough, begging him not to start drinking again, and a man who is angry, angry at his dad, angry at himself for crumbling like this, bc he should be stronger than this. u see him change multiple times in that one single scene. go watch it again. you’ll see it too.
some more examples: his absolute certainty that he is better and more qualified than the likes of shirley and keanu for working with his dad, and then being like ‘my dad was right, i’m good for no one’ - they don’t line up. does he have self esteem and know his worth or not? also his entire relationship w callum is an example of this - all those changes in his attitude towards cal and their situation? he often treats callum like they’re equals who understand each other, yet sometimes it seems like he thinks he’s superior to callum (e.g. the scene outside the cafe), and others he behaves (keyword) as though he thinks he’s not good enough for callum (why else would he just take all that shit from whitney and not say anything in retaliation? why, if not because he deems it more important that callum has an easier time of it than he does; that he regards cal’s comfort more important than his own? and why would he do that, if he held himself in such high regards? i mean he certainly acts like it sometimes, so why not then?)
also like……. who is ben? is he the bastard who cares about no one but himself, who’s always causing trouble not only for himself but for the people he cares about? is he the guy who just completely folds when people he knows hurtle abuse at him, accepting it lying down, who thinks he’s no good for anyone? the guy who goes out all night and drinks himself silly and purposefully gets himself into fights? the guy who shows callum so much empathy even tho it brings him nothing but pain, who loves jay unconditionally, who tried so hard to help bobby when he came back from prison? which one is he? which one does he want to be? does he even know?
(and you could argue that people are just multi-dimensional, but there’s just such a vast gap between these different facets of ben’s character and he can flip through them so fast it’s jarring, which is why i think it’s more like he straight up doesn’t have a consistent sense of self. which is a big part of bpd)
4. Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
again, does this need explaining?
doing illegal shit, excessively drinking, becoming unnecessarily violent, fucking up his relationships, just generally doing reckless things regardless of the consequences - this has always been a part of ben’s character.
(his constant hook ups could be another one, but the jury’s still out on that one. if anything it’s less the sex that worries me and more the flippant attitude he has when meeting up w ppl - they could be anyone and do all sorts, at the end of the day)
it became most obvious recently around the anniversary of paul’s death - drinking himself sick, gambling all his money away, deliberately starting fights. but even before that and since then it’s been there.
it’s basically just a way to self sabotage.
i feel like this one isn’t a consistent part of ben’s behaviour like the others are, but it is undeniably there, so.
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior
although ben (to my knowledge) hasn’t displayed any suicidal behaviour, he has at times spoken in ways that could kind of sway that way. (i’m no good for anyone, i’m not worth it, why do you care etc)
also self harming!!! just because he doesn’t hurt himself in a direct way doesn’t mean he doesn’t deliberately put himself in situations where he’ll get hurt, and that is self harm!! letting stuart beat him at pride was self harm!! picking that fight w those homophobes at e20 was self harm!!! drinking to excess is a form of self harm!!! putting himself in harm’s way, even if he doesn’t get hurt, is self harm!!!! just bc he might not be self harming in the traditional sense doesn’t mean he’s not hurting himself!!! this one has been on my mind for so long!!!! oh my god!!!!! he absolutely has a pattern of self harming/self destructive behaviours, and just a general disregard for his own safety and well being!!!! the fact that it doesn’t worry more ppl in his life is so upsetting to me!!!!!!
6. Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
aka the biggest part of bpd: pt 2
i feel like this definition doesn’t really do justice to this aspect of bpd. this is basically you literally having no control of your emotions. ‘day-to-day events’ have fuck all to do with it half the time. u could be sitting there minding ur business and all of a sudden you wanna smash up the entire room, for seemingly no reason. one time i was crying - like uncontrollably sobbing, a complete mess - and had been for maybe half an hour? and then all of a sudden, literally mid sob, it stopped. like it just stopped. i was done, i wasn’t sad anymore. i went from inconsolably crying to perfectly fine in a split second. can you even imagine that? it’s fucking crazy. that’s what having bpd is like. it’s like mood swings x1000 (that���s why i describe it like bipolar on a smaller scale - their mood swings last days/weeks/months, ours last minutes/hours, sometimes days but not often). you can be fine, then all of a sudden you’re not. or you can be not fine, and then all of a sudden you are. you can be ecstatic, then all of a sudden all the joy gets sucked out of ur body n u wanna die. then 5 mins later ur fine again. u can cycle thru every single human emotion in the space of a few hours with no warning whatsoever. u can go from feeling so many emotions u don’t know which one to focus on to feeling none at all. it’s exhausting. so yes ‘day-to-day events’ (this can be as minor as the way someone speaks to you, or not enjoying ur food as much as u thought u would, and it can make u terrifyingly sad or spark uncontrollable rage in u) can trigger it, but it’s like… at least that’s kind of justifiable. most of the time u just cannot regulate, control or predict ur emotions whatsoever. and often the emotions u do feel are not appropriate for the situation at hand lmao
on top of that, ppl w bpd have massive problems processing their emotions. while most ppl have the capacity to identify what they’re feeling and why, ppl w bpd often can’t. and bc they can’t identify it properly, they don’t know how to process it. that’s why emotions and feelings are so often black and white - we might develop the ability to recognise Big Emotions, like love and hate, happiness and sadness etc, but we can’t figure out the smaller, nuanced emotions. it becomes or, not and.
this is also why our emotions feel so big and all encompassing!! we can’t ignore our emotions!! they are our focus in a lot of ways. when ur sad, it feels like the world is ending, every single time. when ur happy, ur euphoric and nothing else matters, and so on. every emotion has the volume turned up to 100. that’s why our emotions sometimes come out in extreme or unhealthy ways - our emotions often feel so big we have such a hard time handling them. so we go to drastic lengths, whatever they may be, to cope.
(also bc most ppl w bpd are victims of abuse, we’re often hyperaware of other people’s moods, which can impact ours. someone can be annoyed for some innocuous, innocent reason, and yet bc we can sense it, we become scared or defensive and may lash out.)
and ben… little old ben, have u ever seen him have a rational reaction to anything in his life? how often have we seen him have an appropriate response to smth? my dad is shit, so i have to destroy him. failing that, i have to kill him. oh, my brother isn’t gonna let kill him? time to punch him in the face. my daughter ate all my cereal? it’s Overreaction Time. (this one in particular is Very Me like yes lexi is a child and he was unfair but my 7 year old cousin once drank all my j2os and i almost had a breakdown so i Get It) i’m feeling like shit? time to antagonise these homophobes until they beat me in the middle of the street. i sleep with this man once? time to get overly involved. he shows me a little bit of love and kindness? time to develop feelings for him despite him insisting he’s straight, the fact that he’s with a woman and i have been harassed and beaten by his homophobic family multiple times. but it isn’t going the way i wanted it to? time to impulsively hit him for not knowing what he wants, then immediately regret it.
and like. he went from crying his eyes out in his dad’s kitchen to threatening kat slater within the span of what, 10 minutes? he went from trying to kill his dad, to falling tf apart w jay, to trying to manipulate his dad - who had just woken up from a coma - for his own gain again, in the span of maybe an hour. if that doesn’t say rapid cycling, inconsistent emotions idk what does.
like idk enough about the old bens to say if this is a consistent characteristic of his or not (although based on the fact he killed a woman bc he was angry w his dad, i’d say it’s fairly safe to assume lmao) but ever since he came back his reactions and emotions have been pretty much never once been rational, stable or consistent.
(and like i wanna say i am saying all of this from the perspective of the bad days. so if you’re thinking ‘well, ben isn’t like that all the time’ ur right. neither am i. some days i’m fine, some days it’s not that bad, sometimes i can cope. but i still have bpd, even on those days. and imo, so does ben.)
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
this is one i don’t really see in ben. we maybe see moments of emptiness, but certainly not enough to call it ‘chronic’.
also a lot of the moments we do see emptiness in ben, i feel like it’s forced emptiness, more for his own benefit or for the benefit of others rather than actual genuine emptiness. it’s not that he’s not feeling anything, it’s that what he is feeling he’s not showing. that’s very different from actually feeling empty.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
this! is! such! a! massive! part! of! having! bpd! and it’s a part that no one ever fucking talks about either!!!
and again, does this one need explaining?
ben is anger. he’s a ball of it, and he has been for a very, very long time. he’s angry at his dad, at the world, at himself. for all sorts of reasons, both complex and simple. if i sat here and tried to get into all of it this post would be twice as long as it already is. and i don’t think i really need to, anyway. it’s not as if any of us need to dig very deep to see it, is it?
‘frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights’ like i really don’t need to elaborate do i? bc what does ben do when he’s angry? his temper flairs up, he gets physical, lashes out, makes threats.
and he’s so often angry in response to emotional pain, which is the saddest (and for me, most relatable) part. just look at paul’s anniversary, how angry he was just in general, to everyone - even his mum, who is like the only exception to his anger since he’s been back - when he was just hurting and sad. how angry he got when he found out keanu had replaced him in phil’s will, when really he was just hurt. he gets angry and violent so people don’t see him as weak bc he’s hurting. he has been conditioned to get angry instead of getting sad. it’s not healthy at all.
there is so much more but i feel like it’s unnecessary for me to get into it. bc u know. ben’s not exactly subtle in his anger is he lmao
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
this is the only other one that i don’t see in ben at all, and it’s one that i don’t really experience myself either so i don’t even have any insight to offer lmao
so!! more or less 7/9!! that’s a passing grade for diagnosis!!! welcome to the club, mr mitchell!!!!
all of this, of course, has been purely from a medical, diagnostic standpoint (w some of my personal experiences sprinkled in lmao). there’s so much more to say from like a ‘living w bpd day to day’ standpoint but like, this post is already way too fuckin long so i’m just gonna hit on a few that i feel are important in regards to ben, and ones i have’t spoken abt yet
most ppl w bpd have a ‘fp’ or ‘favourite person’ (tho it can be multiple people), which sounds nice but it’s kind of a really complicated and difficult thing tbqh. here’s the best definition i could find: ‘When someone with BPD uses the term “favorite person” to describe someone else, they are typically insinuating that this is a person they cannot survive without. For BPD sufferers, the favorite person is the person who is a source of emotional support and dependence. This individual has the ability to truly impact the BPD sufferer’s day in either a positive or negative manner. The favorite person to someone with BPD holds a critical role in their lives by holding the power to ‘make or break’ the successful navigation of daily tasks and struggles.’ it’s a difficult thing to explain/understand (so please feel free to google ‘favourite person bpd’ to get a better understanding), and is not always as dramatic as it sounds, but it’s like… even if they aren’t a source of ‘emotion support’, ur mental wellbeing can hang on this person’s every move. (which is not healthy, i know, but it’s just a thing that happens w bpd!) and phil is absolutely ben’s fp. ben hates phil, and yet is still so desperate to be in his good graces, in his life no matter what that costs him… and ben’s self esteem, his actions, his moods are so dependant on phil. it just?? makes so much sense to me. i realize it may not make much sense to someone who doesn’t have any understanding of what a fp is, but like if u do, i’m sure u see what i see.
i think maybe jay was another fp of ben for a while in the past. i don’t think he is as much since ben has come back, but in the past?? maybe. like less in the ‘my happiness is dependant on u’ way and more in like a ‘i’m very very attached to u and need u in my life and would maybe go crazy if anything or anyone got in the way of that’ way.
and i think callum might be sneaking into territory now too tbqh. it would explain why callum’s actions and words have such an impact on ben’s moods despite not much really happening between them. and like i wanna say: someone becoming ur fp is not a choice. it just happens. it’s not like ben is going ‘oh im going to get overly attached to u just for a laugh’, no. this would be completely out of his control. and when it happens, it fucking SUCKS. so if that is what’s happening, it’s going to have a massive impact on ben - and it seems like it already is.
and like taking the whole fp thing out of it (bc i know it’s complicated and hard to grasp) bpd would explain why ben seems to be so attached to callum even tho very little has actually happened between them!!! like bpd will have u falling in love w someone who just shows you basic human kindness and decency, and i mean that very literally!!! bc like i said when you have bpd, you struggle to navigate and handle basic emotions, so all the nuances of romance and love? jesus christ. it goes back into black and white thinking - i either love this person or i hate this person, there is no in between. so callum, showing ben kindness? showing him support with what’s going on w louise and what happened w phil? not hating him and thinking he’s despicable and evil and all those things people say about him? and ben, having bpd? he probably wouldn’t be able to comprehend that maybe cal’s just being friendly, esp not after they slept together. so ofc he would latch tf on to that. i would latch tf on to that. his behaviour towards callum just seems very on brand for having bpd to me, genuinely.
and !! all those things whitney said the other night !! people complained about him not arguing back, but like… she’s almost saying what ben wants to hear, when it comes to callum. bc i touched on it before but like the thing is when, you have bpd ur thought process is like ‘i care about this person, they are good, i don’t deserve them, i am bad, i am going to ruin them, i’m probably manipulating them into spending time with me and caring about me, but i can’t let them go, i need them, i bet they don’t even like me, i don’t deserve them, i don’t want them to get hurt, i don’t want to hurt them, i am going to hurt them, in the end.’ (and eventually it spirals into ‘actually they’re probably going to hurt me first bc everyone always does so let me completely destroy this relationship so it’s unrecoverable and hurt them now so they can’t hurt me later’ but that’s another story) and whitney more or less confirms that for him!!! in essence, what she says to him is ‘you’re bad, he didn’t want anything to do with you but you manipulated him into it. you don’t deserve him, you’ve hurt him, you’ve hurt me, how could you do this?’ so like… ofc he’s not gonna argue w her. he’s already had a shit day, all of the fight is gone from him, and he agrees w her!! i’m sure he was thinking that he deserved what whit was throwing at him - not necessarily for what he’d done to her, but because he is Bad and callum is Good and he needs to stay away from him, otherwise he’ll ruin him. bc that’s just what bpd brain tells u, even when u’ve got no basis to believe it. (unless ur splitting or experiencing a big emotional high, but again, that’s a different story)
and that kind of makes sense as to why he’d go to the wedding. going back to the anger instead of sadness thing - he’s hurting, so he’s going to get angry and vengeful. he has been hurt, so now he is going to hurt in return. esp considering both callum and whitney have seen him in such a vulnerable state. it’s probably a pride thing, too.
also just to expand a little more on the ‘unstable sense of self’ thing - ppl w bpd (and also victims of abuse, but sometimes that particular venn diagram is a circle) tend to change the personality based on who they’re with. which is what most people do, yes, but i mean the Extreme version. it’s a trauma response thing - u’ll reflect parts of a person’s personality back at them, or even take bits from personalities of ppl u know they like in the hopes that they’ll like u more like that, as opposed to ur real personality (if u even know what that is). and sometimes those parts stick (esp when you idolize the person u stole them from/they’re your fp), and it’s like u all of a sudden realize ur entire personality is built of parts of other ppls personalities that you’ve stolen. so it makes sense to me that ben seems to have so many differing personalities/sides to his personality, bc he’s learned which parts to show to who, and in what situations - in response to his abuse as a kid, if nothing else.
(and before anyone can even go there: that is not an act of manipulation. it’s a trauma response. it’s something that happens without us consciously having any say in it, as a way of self-preservation. it’s like if i make myself likeable and appealing to u, you’re less likely to hurt me, physically or emotionally. and yes ben has a habit of manipulation, but this is not a part of it. none of ben’s manipulation is directly bc of his hypothetical bpd, it’s bc that’s just who he is. i don’t ever want to see the two equated, or see anyone say any shit like ‘ben must have bpd bc he’s manipulative’, ever.)
just for the hell of it, here are some spicy bpd memes, bc that’s how we communicate on the internet. (here are two in particular seem quite relevant to ben rn lmao + bonus one for phil!!)
so! there we are!!! i’m sure there’s some important stuff i overlooked and that this is not what u expected when u sent me this question, but there are so many misconceptions and stigmas out there surrounding bpd that i wouldn’t have felt right half assing it. and i hope, if nothing else, u learned something abt bpd that u didn’t know before :-)
if u read this far ur a trooper lmao but if anyone has any questions, be they abt ben having bpd or bpd in general please feel free to ask!! i’ll do my best to answer them to the best of my ability 💖💖
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hello im (F, 24) an idiot and forgot to post tessa’s (F, 22, fictional) intro!
pls bare in mind most of this was written 5+ years ago n i haven’t written tessa since 2015...... but lets get this show (LOCKWOODRP) on the road (DASHBOARD).
tw school shooting, tw bipolar disorder
art hoe. always covered in paint. why?? she bad at painting
the mark rothko jackson pollock kind of bad tho wher people are like.... omg.... revolutionary..... its a badly drawn vagina
fuckin loves astrology, but cant take it that seriously bcos one of her bfs was a gemini so there’s some lenience there. but she WILL blame her hormones and mood swings on the positon of mars
embodies pure sunshine.
one of those really annoying people that can go through the most traumatic shit and still find a positive spin.
cares so much for others but does not really care for herself n it’s meant she just bottles up all this shit n when someone asks her how her day has gone she just falls on the ground like tht bit in midsommar when florence does that loud wheezy noise and sits down
has never really had much money at all. learns to make-do with what she has. loves upcycling!! her bookshelf is made from cardboard which she’s reinforced by pappering it over with pages ripped out of thrifted books. her sofa is an old car boot which she’s repainted, put on wheels and stuffed w cushions so that it’s actually bearable to sit on.
her knitted cardigan? its made out of wife material.
knits all the time. will crochet you a christmas scarf. if ur lucky you might get a knitted jumper with a penis in a santa hat
still sleeps with cuddly toys n then wonders why ppl dont think she’s mature enough for a serious relationship
very passionate about Sister Doing It For THemselves!! raised by a single mom who worked her ass off so that tessa could do fun activities after school, have lelli kelly shoes, and go to college (not necessarily in tht order of importance)
tessa was born out of wedlock as the result of an affair between her mom (a journalism intern in her early 20s) and a new york times editor.
the editor offered to pay tessa’s mom off to have an abortion, but she was like fuck u and told the papers he’d done that and used the money to cover the cost of her internship which they refused to pay her for
and because of the scandal, he ended up going through a pretty messy divorce with his wife, and losing custody of his kids. so as a child tessa was seen as the cause of a divorce and received mutliple letters from the editors wife (to tessa personally!) and his kids saying how she had ruined everything, but her mom moved them to another town so tessa didn’t have to deal with that crap.
her mom worked 3 jobs to put her through school, so in return tessa pushes herself incredibly hard to succeed. needs a break and a hug and to get laid to be honest.
an old soul. likes old films, old music, old people. only recently got an iphone 5s so not really with this century yet
very sweet and soft and kind but also a fucking mess and won’t listen to anyone else’s opinion. she’ll take comfort, but not advice.
feminist buddhist bisexual vegetarian for human rights and animal welfare. standing on a soapbox shouting about the climate in the quad, shoving flyers into your hands. flyers everwhere. she turns up at your grandmas funeral and shoves one into her mouth. she’s stolen the mic from the vicar to talk about pandas.
says “mother of pearl” and “heavens to betsy”.
had an affair with her married piano teacher and he’s now facing a custody battle and his wife is leaving him and tessa has completely internalised that guilt despite her being the victim in the scenario
aesthetics: paint splattered jeans, loose curls spilling from a scrunchie, thrifted blouses in bright yellow, guzzling coffee in the library at three am when a term paper’s due, shoddily illustrated campaign posters to save endangered species, polaroids plastered to your bedroom walls with scribbled dates on the frames, jumping into a stack of autumn leaves, jumping off piers in the summer months and stripping off your wet clothes on the beach, digging your thumbs into peaches to leave a bruise, smoking with the extractor fan on to hide the smell, bath bombs, letting the girls at lush rub samples all over your skin, cacti with knitted bobble hats, decorative pillows and sun and moon blanket throws, basic bitch fairy lights hanging from every single window, painting the name of the boys you’ve loved inside your wardrobe door.
studies fine art and philosophy, and wants to become either a lecturer or the first woman president. vibe wise, very similar to leslie knope, missy from big mouth, and basically the naive everygirl with a high opinion of themselves trope
gets drunk off like one double vodka lemonade because she’s small and she’s a pretty messy wild drunk. it’s when slutty tessa comes out, and the next day she’ll thoroughly regret every choice made and decide she’s never drinking again and cutting out all men and starting daily sudoko
on the cheerleading team and is a flyer, which she sees as a HUGE responsibility and she works really hard to make sure she’s on it for her team. one of those get up at 7am and go to the gym before school types its sickening
she had a really traumatic time at high school because there was a shooting in her school. she was in the next classroom when it happened, and she lost one of her friends in the shooting. she had to take two months off school, was diagnosed with depression and put on anti-depressants because of it. in her 2nd year of uni she was rediagnosed with bipolar disorder and anxiety, which she’s now on medication for. she can be really good for several months at a time and feel super creative and determined (she actually finds manic periods helpful for her creativity n art, n sadly sometimes doesn’t take her meds in these periods to push herself more which is obvs super bad.....). but when the bad periods come they can also last months n she had to take a semester out of school last year because of her mood, so she should be a senior by now but she’s retaking junior year
she attends weekly stress-management sessions prescribed by her doctor which she finds pointless.
very childish in the sense that she can only see her own point of view and kind of views herself as the “protagonist” and thinks her ideas are super important and life changing and she IS Destined for Greatness! despite being pretty much average af
pinterest board.
STATS
age: 22
height: 5'2"
positive traits: kind-hearted, gregarious, selfless, philosophical, open minded, idealistic, courageous, feisty, charismatic, loyal, adventurous.
negative traits: stubborn, hot-headed, reticent, escapist, self-destructive, easily led, naive, troubled, complicated, stepford smiler, envious, overdramatic, explosive.
distinguishing Marks: heart-shaped birthmark on the right of her chest, splattering of freckles across the cheeks during summer months, full lips, large eyes, porcelain features, long wavy hair, tattoo of a bird and a cage on her ankles and a basic bitch arrow tat on her wrist (srry to anyone with an arrow tat).
skills: jack-of-all-trades, talented pianist, perceptive, knows the correct way to throw a punch, good survival instinct, is able to remain calm in stressful situations, endures, artistic, excels in academic studies, hard-working and self-motivated, expert liar and talented actress.
likes: wolves, vintage thrift store fashion, old leather-bound books, left-wing democratic politics, cigarettes, poetry, John Hughes movies, cold coffee, hot tea, the sound of laughter, staying up til 4am having deep conversations, Tchaikovsky, having deep conversations about life, stationary, DC Comics, horoscopes, winged eyeliner, cats, knee-high socks, house music, abandoned buildings, studio ghibli, the smell of the earth after rain, Wes Anderson films, herbal tea, old people, solitude, esoteric things, the smell of freshly baked bread, Charles Bukowski, the moon.
fears: death, oblivion, global warming, losing those she loves, isolation, clowns, guns, enclosed spaces.
nicknames: Tess, T-Dog, Tessie, Socrates, Princess, Sunshine Girl, Florence Nightingale.
alignment: Neutral Good
MBTI type: INFP
BIOGRAPHY
tw school shooting
Her story begins with Cordelia Costello, a twenty-three year old college drop-out, turned beautician, turned columnist, turned intern at a local publishing company. She was a youthful, beautiful, siren of a women, always surrounded by an aura of enigma and an entourage of men. It was no surprise to the gossips in the office that within six months working at the company, Cordelia had added to her list another title – mistress to Franklin Hozier, the Editor of the New York Times. After two blissful months and three hundred and twenty seven orgasms, Cordelia decided she wanted a baby. Franklin laughed in her face. Feeling isolated and used, Cordelia continued her affair with her boss’ boss for another month, before deciding to take matters into her own hands.
It started with a turkey baster.
Soon the infant cries of a baby girl graced the world, her wrinkled skin puckered and pink as her mother held her in her arms, glancing upon the most beautiful thing in her life. Once Tessa, named after Cordelia’s favourite literary heroine, entered the world, Franklin left her life and things took a turn for the better. Despite living in a rented one-bedroom apartment in Staten Island, on what little money Cordelia had saved, Tessa’s childhood years were filled with nothing but the happiest of memories. Times were tough, but what they lacked in money, the Costello’s made up in love. While Tessa was at school, Cordelia did odd jobs cleaning, child-minding, working in local nurseries, in order to save up enough money to give her daughter the best start in life.
Despite what she had been led to believe by television shows and teen movies, the first few years of High School were some of the best years of her life. Tessa threw herself into a multitude of activities that High School offered her, including the drama club, the orchestra, choir, badminton and the school newspaper. While she certainly wasn’t considered ‘popular’ at school, Tess had a wide circle of friends and acquaintances. In fact, High School was a place where she made some of the greatest memories of her life, but come her final year, it was also a place where she was haunted by some of her worst.
On the January 17th of Tessa’s senior year of high school, a shooting took place in Westville High School. For two hours Tessa locked herself in a supply cupboard, her head between her knees as she tried to stay silent despite the screams of horror from the corridor. Eighteen students were caught in the crossfire, two of which were Tessa’s best friends. Bouquets of flowers, laminated photographs, Teddy Bears in cling-film bags attached to balloons littered the streets as families and friends came to pay tribute to the eighteen students withered before they had a chance to bloom.
It took two months of therapy before Tessa could return to school. Some of the survivors could never return due to the horrors that their eyes had laid witness to. Sometimes Tessa felt like a part of her had died with the friends that were stolen from her too soon, but one thought kept her going through: she had survived, she was alive and breathing, and she could not afford to loose a second of the precious time she had been granted on this earth. Despite the nightmares that continued to haunt her each night, Tessa found in the aftermath of the disaster a new sense of motivation. She began applying for scholarships for colleges without her mother’s knowledge, in the hope that her academic success would be enough to carry her through further education. Thankfully, it was, and after three torturous months of waiting Tess was offered an arts scholarship to her dream school, Lockwood University, where she hoped she could finally start to rebuild her life.
THE PRESENT:
Life at university was like a separate world. Students came and went like moths among the whisperings and the tequila and the stars. In this new world, Tessa was exposed for the first time in her life to alcohol, drugs, and the sexual appetites of other students her age – though she politely declined all three. Instead, Tessa threw herself into the vast array of activities in the hope that by distracting herself she could escape the terrible flashbacks that continued to haunt her. Tessa joined the lacrosse team, despite never having played before, and took up cheerleading discovering a new talent; she joined the musical theatre group, and the film club, and even set up her own acapella singing society. But despite how much she tried to throw herself into student life, her past hung around her like a bad smell, and with the added pressure of the Sinking Ships zine, Tess began to feel the weight of her secret tying her down like a pair of shackles around her wrists.
PERSONALITY:
If someone was to describe Tessa in a single word, it would most likely be ‘bubbly’, ‘open-minded’ or ‘sweet’. But they would be wrong – Tessa is not bubbly, or sweet, or stubborn, or hotheaded, or fiesty, or infectious, or any of the things the world see her as, but merely a numb and lonely echo of the gregarious, halcyon girl she once was. Tessa Costello was one of life’s enigmas. No one knew who she was, for to each person she met she wore a different mask – she dripped confidence, or was painfully shy; she was an exhibitionist, or a brooding wallflower; she took things too seriously, or not seriously at all. She was an actress and the world was her stage, each person she met a different member of the audience in the performance of her life.
In truth, Tessa no longer even recognised herself. Insecure, and self-destructive, she tried to hang on to the extroverted, mischievous pieces of herself that everyone had once loved, but day by day it got harder to know what lay in the vacant holes blown through her mind. While she was stubborn and hot-headed, Tessa always saw the best in people, which meant that she was easily led astray. While she had grown up learning to be street smart and astute, she was idealistic and allowed silly fantasies to cloud her mind. By nature, she was passionate, which lead her to misimagine and romanticise those she met. Despite the hell she had witnessed, and the anxiety that feasted upon her, she believed that people were innately good and that to have courage and be kind could cure anyone of their sadness – yet she was unable to cure herself.
TWITTER:
@500daysoftessa: i blame disney films and musicals for my high expectations of men
@500daysoftessa: i am in love with the boy who works at starbucks. today i asked for a double latte and he gave me a tripple, which i think is proof that my love is requited. our children will be smart and talented and beautiful.
@500daysoftessa: little known historical fact: pharaohs were burried with their hands crossed over their chests because it was a popular belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
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🔥🔥🥀🥀Hey xx my name is Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez, and I am a drug addicted alcoholic with 2 years clean! I’m 22. I have 20 mental illnesses I know rock bottom, hell, trauma , pain, and darkness from top to bottom x I’ve been homeless 13 times, 215 mental hospitals , Trauma occurring 24/7 from 2001-2018.
Here's a list of my doctors diagnoses (they were actually diagnosed , DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE)
•Bipolar, Schizo-affective, PTSD
OCD , ODD, ADHD, anxiety , depression
Insomnia , autism, anorexia
Attachment disorder , narcolepsy
Borderline personality , multiple personality. Dissociative identity fugue
Critically/clinically insane
Tardive Dyskinesia, body dyamorphia
Dissociative Amnesia
Depersonalization/derealization disorder
Intermittent Explosive disorder
Severe Brain Damage
🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙
🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic x This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Been In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. And boarding cares , no home from 2011-2018 Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth x Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls.
a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤
🔥🔥every day and night I deal with
20 mental illnesses
Vivid flashbacks 24/7 of the trauma that occurred 24/7 from 2001-2018
40-80 mental breakdowns all day and night
Not being able to aak for help cuz since I've been in 215 mental hospitals the next time I go I'm going to a state institution
Michael Alvarado Alvaro (my main demon) constantly tortures me
No options cuz: I've been in over 100 treatment centers none will take me back
Been on all medications (dosages, types, combinations)
Being the most high maintenance mental health case in the system of California
My dog slowly dying
My mom being constantly sick
Feeling like I dont belong anywhere
My psyical health is getting worse
-feeling weak
-blacking and passing out
-throwing up
-body aches
-memory loss
-constant headaches, stomach pains , nausea, soar throat , body numb
Narcolepsy
-ear aches , my whole body aching Sinusitis
Being overly sensitive / wanting to save the universe and everyone in it
Fear of telling people I'm not OK cuz:
I feel like a burden
It's the same thing over and over again
It gets tiring
I feel like my existinese is a waste
Being literally possessed by my demons
Being autistic
Not eating and not sleeping
Wanting to hurt myself
Wanting to end it
Wanting to escape
My family doesnt want me home
They would be better off without me
Constantly missing my un biological son Anthony
Hearing my torturours in my head
This is not for pity or sympathy
I'm trying.
Im here for all of u . My 2nd Number: 951-460-8418
Suicide Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Also u can text 711-711
Don't give up , u matter x 🔥🔥
60-80 mental breakdowns a day vivid flashbacks every day _ nightmares every night. Being a recovering drug addict/alcoholic.
215 mental hospitals, 3 foster homes, 2 were extremely abusive. , bouncing from unlocked, locked, short and long term treatment centers, group homes, rehab, residential, crisis centers, homeless 13 times. Shelters, most of my life I've been literally tortured, raped, abused, sold, drugged up, I sold myself/prostituted, got tortured and abused in every way possible. Sold drugs to get money to raise Anthony "Lil Toni" Castillo-Martinez (why I have the last name Martinez) who I met in one of the abusive foster homes and raised him as my own. Kimberly M. Olivarez was my deceased ex fiance, she made a false accusation that I gave Anthony drugs (not true at all) , CPS took him away. Kim tortured and abused me in any way possible. She called 60+ people every day and night to abuse, rape, torture , almost kill me. I have attempted suicide over 100+ times, my "dad" who I don't consider my dad abused me in anyway possible from age 4 till he died in 2011. I've been abused by several more people. I have been on every single medication for mental health, every dosage, combination, type. In every sort of treatment. They are trying to concerve me again, last time I talked to my therapist, doctor , treatment team etc they said my next admittion to the mental hospital they are gonna send me away to a state institution. Last time they concerved me I was past my 52/50 and I was at this one hospital, I was there for a few months I can't remember, they had a hearing then they took me to court. I already got my criminal record when I was under 18, they cleared it. I lied to the judge and then later on they took me off concerveraship . so let's say I'm suicidal , unsafe, I can't tell anyone cuz of what I just mentioned. When I was 12 years old I for sent to a level 14 (higher level of care) mental health, addiction, behavioral treatment center for over a year. They couldn't even handle me and they were tryna send me to a higher level of care, but that was the highest level of care. The state of California named me "the most high maitence mental health case in the system" from 2011-2018 I had no home. From 2001-2018 there was trauma occurring 24/7. My soberiety date is 9•18•2018. I have a name for myself from several people. Over 200. Have told me I "help everyone obsessively" I get told to put myself first but that ain't ever gonna happen. I don't trust people, I'm extremely sensitive and I can't take confrontation without me breaking down. I don't date at all cuz of the many traumas. I'm a bi-romantic asexual. I'm 22 and I've always been a female. I accept all of u for who u are, no matter what race, color, sexuality, illness, circumstances ur in, etc etc. I can name more, I accept everybody. Everybody needs somebody , we deserve care, love, help , support, acceptance, appreciation, etc etc. U don't kno someone's story, what they have been and/or currently going thru. U matter, ur existence is a huge blessing to this universe. U are doing the best u can and I'm proud of u. There's more but its 2am and my meds are kicking in. Don't judge anybody. I appreciate all of u and I'm here for u. -- Izzy M. Martinez🌹🌺🌷🔥
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omg ok tbh i forgot that i reblogged that ask thing but thank u fren here u go
1. spotify, soundcloud, or pandora?
spotify
2. is your room messy or clean?
um ok so my room at my mom’s is technically the office and just full of mine and everyone else’s storage so it isn’t really my room i guess and my room at my dad’s is nearly empty and i haven’t been there more than a couple times in a while and i’ve been crashing at friend’s and family’s houses and living out of a suitcase for weeks so i’m just gonna say i don’t really have a room
3. what color are your eyes?
dark brown
4. do you like your name? why?
alright well this is complicated because i hate the name emily and lately i’ve been going by emmitt for a while and it’s just weird because i feel so disconnected from emily and not super connected to emmitt either and i feel like i should just be a nameless person because i hate being referred to as anything tbh
5. what is your relationship status?
happily in a relationship with someone i really care about
6. describe your personality in 3 words or less
a detached mess
7. what color hair do you have?
my natural dark brown color
8. what kind of car do you drive? color?
ah it’s a purple mini van that’s rusting and dying
9. where do you shop?
target lol
10. how would you describe your style?
almost exclusively button ups and baseball shirts
11. favorite social media account?
tumblr probably i use this the most out of all of them
12. what size bed do you have?
queen
13. any siblings?
i have 2 sisters
14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?
i honestly have no idea how to answer this question i don’t have a dream destination or anything
15. favorite snapchat filter?
omg probably the cute cat one that changes ur voice cuz my friends look so cute when they use it
16. favorite makeup brand(s)?
i don’t know anything about makeup
17. how many times a week do you shower?
every day sometimes multiple times a day
18. favorite tv show?
buffy the vampire slayer and dollhouse kill me
19. shoe size?
idk i’m pretty sure i’m a 6
20. how tall are you?
5’1
21. sandals or sneakers?
sneakers
22. do you go to the gym?
no lol but i do plan to start going once i actually move in to my new place and get settled
23. describe your dream date
i want to spend a day in chicago with emily doing whatever we want just walking and wandering into stores and go to a zoo or a museum or navy pier or honestly just anything at this point i miss her so much i don’t care what we do as long as we’re together
24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?
$6
25. what color socks are you wearing?
they’re both different variations of black white and light blue
26. how many pillows do you sleep with?
at least 2
27. do you have a job? what do you do?
yeah i recently got a job in the mental health field and i work primarily with adults with various mental illnesses in a 24/7 supervised living area at the moment it’s mostly individuals dealing with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, and borderline personality disorder and i help them with symptom management, building the skills they have chosen to work on in their treatment plans, and help them carry activities of daily living so they can become self-sufficient and can transition out and live on their own
28. how many friends do you have?
ah i mean i know i have a lot of friends but as far as really close friends i know i can count on and will most likely always have around i’d say i have about 8
29. whats the worst thing you have ever done?
ah fuck well i went through a really destructive phase in my recent past where i was just in a bad place and i withdrew and lashed out a lot and was super emotionally unstable and i hurt a lot of people and i regret it
30. whats your favorite candle scent?
omg i have no idea i usually just smell all the blue ones and go from there
31. 3 favorite boy names
elliot (this is my favorite name in the world probably)
max
derrick
32. 3 favorite girl names
bennett
caroline
sara
33. favorite actor?
i thought about this for a solid 5 minutes and no one is coming to mind i’m gonna leave this blank
34. favorite actress?
eliza dushku and alyson hannigan kill me every time i watch dollhouse or buffy i’m in love with her
35. who is your celebrity crush?
amber liu
36. favorite movie?
selena
37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?
i used to read a lot when i was a kid and the music of dolphins by karen hesse has always stuck with me for some reason idk if it’s my favorite but when i was a kid i checked it out at least once a month on our elementary library visits and even now i always find myself thinking about it
38. money or brains?
well if u don’t have money u can’t survive in this capitalist society so i mean
but if this question is asking what i want in a person i’d want the smart
39. do you have a nickname? what is it?
my family calls me mimi and tbh it’s the only thing i actually feel comfortable with weirdly
40. how many times have you been to the hospital?
i’ve been to the hospital multiple times to visit people but i don’t remember actually needing to be there myself besides when i burned my hands as a child
41. top 10 favorite songs
this is def subject to change depending on my mood at any given moment but for right now:
hold me tight by bts
house of cards by bts
lie by bts
all mine by one ok rock
deeper deeper by one ok rock
we are by one ok rock
decision by one ok rock
clock strikes by one ok rock
como la flor by selena
moon river waltz by shinee
42. do you take any medications daily?
no i had issues with family and insurance so i had to stop seeing my psych and taking meds
43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)
dry
44. what is your biggest fear?
my mom having anything else bad happen to her
45. how many kids do you want?
this is most likely not going to be my choice lol i don’t have a number in mind if i do have kids
46. whats your go to hair style?
short and whatever it wants to do when i get out of the shower
47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)
well i don’t really live in a house rn but my mom’s house is huge she just moved in and it’s crazy big i’m so happy for her also the house i’m gonna move into soon is p small but still cute
48. who is your role model?
idk probably my mom she’s been through a lot and is still going strong
49. what was the last compliment you received?
“you’re so sweet, you know that?” from a client
50. what was the last text you sent?
“nini
51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?
tbh i have no idea i was probably in elementary school
52. what is your dream car?
something that runs, is either blue or grey, and magically doesn’t cost me anything to drive it
53. opinion on smoking?
it smells terrible and i don’t like to be around people who smoke
54. do you go to college?
yeah i just graduated
55. what is your dream job?
i have no idea i don’t know what i want i haven’t really thought that far ahead but i love my job so far so i’m alright with where i’m at
56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?
i don’t really have a preference as long as i’m with and near people i care about
57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?
i don’t think i’ve ever personally done that
58. do you have freckles?
yeah i have a couple scattered around
59. do you smile for pictures?
i make this weird stupid half smile face and i can’t stop
60. how many pictures do you have on your phone?
761
61. have you ever peed in the woods?
i have not
62. do you still watch cartoons?
i never want to not watch cartoons
63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from wendy’s or mcdonalds?
i don’t like chicken nuggets from anywhere
64. favorite dipping sauce?
wait for what
i like soy sauce for potstickers
65. what do you wear to bed?
usually shorts and a t shirt
66. have you ever won a spelling bee?
no i’m terrible at spelling out loud
67. what are your hobbies?
i like to dance idk not much else tho i guess
68. can you draw?
nooooo
69. do you play an instrument?
i played guitar once but i forgot everything smh
70. what was the last concert you saw?
the bts wings tour
71. tea or coffee?
tea
72. starbucks or dunkin donuts?
dunkin donuts
73. do you want to get married?
yes
74. what is your crush’s first and last initial?
e g
75. are you going to change your last name when you get married?
i’ve thought about this actually and i’m mostly just hesitant about how difficult it would be to change my name on like all the legal paperwork and like bills and work things and it just sounds super complicated but i wish it could be easier because i hate where my last name comes from and if i married my current gf we would literally have the exact same name and we would be able to confuse people even more and i just think it would be funny
76. what color looks best on you?
black i think
77. do you miss anyone right now?
yes oh my god
78. do you sleep with your door open or closed?
closed always closed
79. do you believe in ghosts?
yeah i do
80. what is your biggest pet peeve?
ok i get so mad when i go to a friend’s place who has long hair and i’m walking barefoot through their house or i’m sleeping over or i’m under a blanket or something and it just makes me so mad when i feel dumb long single strands of hair in my toes i hate it so much it makes me so mad idk man but this happened to me last night and i’ve been thinking about it ever since
81. last person you called?
ah well the last phone call that i was on was with the director of all the residential living things at my work
82. favorite ice cream flavor?
idk probably chocolate and vanilla with caramel
83. regular oreos or golden oreos?
regular oreos
84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?
no sprinkles pls
85. what shirt are you wearing?
black and grey v neck t shirt
86. what is your phone background?
a picture of my gf i took a while back of her from a distance with the river and sunset in the background
87. are you outgoing or shy?
shy with everyone besides my friends
88. do you like it when people play with your hair?
only like a very specific like 2 people but when it’s anyone else i get really uncomfortable with being touched and you’d think that people wouldn’t just come up to you and start touching your hair and telling you how soft it is but it’s more common than you think and it makes me want to d ie
89. do you like your neighbors?
my nonexistent neighbors r gr8
90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?
i always wash it in the morning but sometimes i wash it at night too if i feel gross from the day
91. have you ever been high?
nope never
92. have you ever been drunk?
yes
93. last thing you ate?
a blizzard from dairy queen with pieces of brownies in it
94. favorite lyrics right now
ok i’m gonna be honest and just say i’m not in a place to listen to music rn i’ve been listening to exclusively podcasts and i have not listened to a song and not zoned out completely during it in a very long time and no lyrics are coming to mind
95. summer or winter?
summer
96. day or night?
night
97. dark, milk, or white chocolate?
ah milk or white i guess i’m not a super big fan tho
98. favorite month?
june cuz my birthday also gay
99. what is your zodiac sign
gemini
100. who was the last person you cried in front of?
my dad
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