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#if this sounds stream of consciousness it is. my whole bodys killing me im thinking about ocs instead of doing work
renegaedz · 1 year
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Andromeda and cass/minh r two of my fave ocs ive come up w btw. Not for storyline reasons like ivy and basil (i guess technically bc of that yeah. Now that i think about it the solid majority if not all of my ocs have mother issues in some way lmao . Dont know why that happened and ill choose to ignore that.) But they are my two who design wise i am so excited n enthused about. Hate designing charas so much. These two i love tho. Space theme. Also i finally can rly indulge in like alienation represented in a character w cass/minh. Every mixed oc i got has that as part of their storyline the like ah. I am a person who despite also being a person is still an outsider to those around me. Even if i fit in slightly i will be reminded i do not belong no matter how comfortable i get. Yeah this is like autism braincell and ig all my ocs have autism braincell if i made em and that's just normal to me. But this very specifically i bring out harder in the mixed ones bc then they have to struggle w feeling like an outsider to their own culture and people and home but in EXTRA ways and its awsummmm not for them but cathartic for me. Me and my like 4 blasian ocs and then theres kadsura . Asian squared but in 2 different ways.
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hazexlperiment · 2 years
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I wanna say so, so many terrible things about myself right now.
I still feel the shame of having been the reason my parents ended up the way they did. I know i was the reason. I had so many opportunities to change and i was pigheaded and i hated listening to them and i hid all my emotions except for my outburts and its turned me into this thing today. Im selfish and narcisistic even though i hate those traits because my psychosis has regressed me to childhood coping in my adult body and since i never shared or share my feelings im always detached at a default to everyone around me and i dont know how to talk and sex was how i shared my emotions and soul but since im bad at talking i dont feel like i can safely protect myself and do the best thing for others and i hate everyone who isnt already willing or able to hear my emotions and thoughts and i dont know
The amount of things that happen in my head completely seperate from the world and the eyes or ears of anyone else on earth
I sound like mira back when i followed her vent and
All of this is so pointless to type about because its just a stream of consciousness with no filter or pause and no note taking or processing im just sobbing with my words and all of my sadness is pouring out my ears and my eyes and then im just gonna go back to trying to be better but i am still gonna be overwhelmed and i wont have taken any of this knowledge forward cause im basically masturbating my mental sad boner rn.
I feel like the world wants me to give up. Which means i feel like giving up. But i cant. But im afraid im gojng to drive myself even more crazy now. And im wasting every single day where i fail to start something. And...no one can tell me what to do because i wont let anyone in and i dont trust outside commands unless im desperate but then i resent the things i do in desperation because its my fault im desperate because i should be stronger willed than that but my will is so weak since i dont know where ill go anymore and i dont know who to socialize with and im afraid of putting in time places that wont pay off and!!! i hate everyones humor now too!! I feel horrible for laughing at...anything! Ive turned into this...eunuch.
God i wish i understood anyone. All ive had practice in is small talk and vagueness and passive aggression and therapy. Ive been analyzed and characterized by someone who doesnt come from where i do that has had the opinion that so many of the ways i have lived were unwise. Fuck i mean i guess it had me end up here. But i regret so much now. I second guess every fucking thing i do. Everything is a coin flip with disadvantage.
I think im addicted to weed again. I bet that has a lot to do with this. Ive been sad and its helped me think, and focus on my new tasks. This is a cycle i know has happened, but staying off has been so hard. Im so susceptible to peer pressure. I love doing just about anything with people for fun, and even by myself. And i keep thinking it will be fine cause it makes me feel wonderful and whole. But its killing my throat and i have asthma and i dont have anyone to smoke with and im a twitchy, nervous prey animal around smokers now who i dont know very well. But it makes it easier to talk to people and have nice feeling conversations. I feel pleasantly distracted.
I miss feeling okay doing the things i do. By myself. Or with anyone.
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lilyclawthorne · 3 years
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Separate Tides Thoughts
HAPPY SEASON 2 PREMIERE DAY!!
This is literally just a bunch of very stream of consciousness writing, from pretty much every time i had a thought about something while rewatching the episode so it may be messy/all over the place
my immediate concern about these videos luz is sending that aren’t going through, is what if the emperor does manage to even briefly open a portal?? would all of her messages suddenly go through only to not be able to contact again?? and maybe that’s why it kinda looks like a detective/conspiracy board behind camila in the trailer because she has plenty of information from luz herself that she now needs to piece together. 
completely unimportant detail but i figured lilith’s gem was like eda’s, in how eda’s gem seems to be a part of her, but we can see in luz’s video that it seems to be attached to lilith’s old dress so just what the fuck is up with eda having a gem in her body 
also the fact that they decided to be bounty hunters was odd to me, but it’s clear they really need the money. it was also clear later on that not only did eda not want luz to go after the selkidomus to keep her safe, but also because it was an innocent creature. part of me can’t help but wonder if internally a part of eda didn’t want to go after bigger bounties because having once been the biggest bounty herself, she knows that if the emperor wants them that badly then they may actually not be bad at all
i hate that last season everyone was cheering for eda to be freed, but now without magic they’re very willing to take advantage of her and talk about her. it’s mean and i expected public gossip to happen more for lilith for being a traitor, but then again people may not know about her magic yet so maybe they do still fear her a bit. all of this kinda tells me though that people bought belos’ crap about eda being stripped of her magic because she’s a wild witch, so they’re all judging her again
i love how bitter lilith is about the golden guard. also teen? kinda curious if any of our teens would’ve known him when very young or if he was raised specifically for this role
i like the detail on belos’ statue where there’s a crack over his eye around the same spot luz broke his mask
love how much eda cares for luz and puts her needs first and buying her the only foods she can digest and likes. such a mom. it’s also very clear that she’s struggling and doesn’t want luz to worry about it at all. also side note, love that lilith was asking about apple blood, pls let these sisters get drunk together.
it does not surprise me that eda likes to bring up the curse pretty casually as a retort back at lilith. it seems very in her nature to use it like that, but i can’t help but wonder if she’s avoiding actually addressing it. and if she keeps joking, will that affect lilith into like, idk a breakdown that forces the two of them to talk about it. 
LULU?? BESTIE?? thanks hooty i hate it
Luz you’re doing amazing sweetie, show them you’re no sea squirt. 
okay so now we can clearly see lilith’s magic is on it’s last legs. almost got herself fucking killed by some fire bees. that being said i’m very concerned about her whole “who am i without magic? without a coven?” i think she kinda misses the structure, and is still used to only knowing what to do simply because she had a leader to follow. 
“I AM A WITCH, UNHINGED” i think she’ll be adapting to the chaotic nature of the owl house crew in no time though if she keeps acting like this
“some kind of weird bird worm” i mean she’s not wrong....
“you have no idea what im going through” dramatic emo ass bitch
it does not surprise me that after pardoning eda, the coven would jump at the first opportunity to arrest her again. pretty sure she’ll be a wanted criminal again in no time.
golden guard very much concerns me. villains that go from really fun to intimidating or threatening as fast he seems to do here are ones i worry about. it kinda feels like he enjoys scaring people?? idk im not sure how to describe it. anyways threatening to hold them over the boiling seas where even the steam will give them third degrees feels really fucking cruel but maybe im empathizing here because at the time of writing this im still suffering from second degree burns i got three weeks ago so third degree sounds horrifying rn
love how excited lilith is seeing hooty at work when she’s not the one getting beaten up. 
I’m glad luz and eda are talking about luz’s guilt and that eda knows what she’s been carrying around now. i didn’t want to see luz carry around all that guilt for so long she’s too good for that AND its misplaced guilt. 
i do love though how at the beginning of the episodes we see the lengths eda will go to by prioritizing food for luz first and doing everything she can to keep the girl safe, and then we come back full circle to seeing the lengths luz is willing to go to for eda as well 
“my life is pretty great because i’m friends with luz the human” brb im CRYING.
Luz is SO clever. This girl is so smart and creative and her solution for helping the selkidomus is just wonderful. And also look at that fake selkidomus she made!! That is amazing!!
pls the raspberry Luz gave the golden guard was adorable
i LOVE the parallel between eda doing her first light glyphs and when luz did her first ones. i’m also glad eda didn’t struggle with the glyph like i’ve seen some people worry could have happened
just occurred to me that eda mentioned the gris will sell at the night market. its probably nothing but does make me concerned about them becoming night market vendors instead.
HOOTCIFER? thanks lilith i hate it. also combine it with lulu and you get lucifer. 
it’s hard to hear but as we go further into the scrying potion and see the emperor, and the very end of the “what are we eating” conversation that’s fading out from the owl house we hear lilith say “i’m fine with whatever, things are starting to feel right again” and idk if she means since she left the coven or for the first time since she was a kid but either way im so glad to hear it
also my brother pointed out belos is probably saying “knock knock human” because he knows he’s being spied on by the owl house with the potion and i hate that because if the emperor takes any action because of it, it’ll probably be another lilith fucked up moment because she didn’t think it through.
also, one other thing i couldn’t help but do in this episode was notice some parallels between luz and lilith! they’re both going out of their way to try and do something for eda, and are both insistent that they have to do this alone. but also lilith’s line about “you have no idea what im going through” really did make me think perhaps underneath everything she has a dramatic personality, and luz does too at times for fun and wouldn’t it be cute if they got along over something like that.
also this episode? great for pictures of lilith with messy hair, of her screaming, or general annoyance, so, enjoy:
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pls i love this face and the noise she makes at this moment as well as her little ear twitch ^
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this is my favorite messy hair screenshot  simply because it looks SO fluffy here and i want that for her ^
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this particular screenshot ain’t about lilith, it’s about the face eda is making here and how cute it is!! ^
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megatraven · 4 years
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I have this idea I would to see as a short story please. Im currently picturing a Astoria story where mc is looking over the floating ground, somehow ends up falling over and someone has to rescue her. (You can choose the person who will rescue her) Maybe someone decided they don't like her and wants to rid of her or she is clumsy... give it as much angst as possible.
I love this and also I’m incredibly biased so I’m gonna go with Alex! Also I borrowed @seduceme-lovestruck-thearcana‘s headcanon of Ares being the one to start the fight that resulted in the death of MC’s mom for this fic :)
AO3
_________
“Those are your only choices,” Ares sneers, his anger heating the air around them, nearly burning her. It’s thick and cloying, threatening to choke her before she can respond as waves of red aura spill from the god. “Become my hero, or die.”
Fear courses through her veins, but anger runs right alongside it. She meets his gaze, suppressing the need to bow her head in his presence, and clenches her fists. 
“You don’t get to decide my fate for me,” she says, nearly spitting the words at him and she takes a brave step forward, pointing at his chest. “I’ll never be your hero, Ares. I’ll never choose you over Alex.”
The god smiles, then. It’s something cruel and it chills her down to her bones even as the heat around him grows unbearable.
“Then you’ve chosen death, little goddess.”
Before she can say anything, before she can even move, the god’s hand is clenched around her throat, so tight she worries he’ll kill her right then. She can barely think past the way his touch burns, his hand leaving an imprint in her skin that would make her sob, if she could.
And then he says something that makes her mind go blank, any pain she feels overshadowed by her fury and hatred for the god:
“Say hello to your mother for me.”
It isn’t the words themselves- though they’re terrible on their own. No- it’s the satisfaction, the glee in his eyes, the smugness in his voice that tell her everything she didn’t know, never even considered.
He was responsible for her mother’s death.
“You-” she starts, her anguish boiling over as a storm of curses jump to the tip of her tongue. But he squeezes tighter, cutting off any other words, and she can only struggle against his iron grip for so long before he grows bored of toying with her.
“It’s a shame, really. You would’ve been the perfect tool to make Aphrodite suffer for what she did to me. And it would put that thin-blooded child of hers in their place.” He shrugs, nonchalant even as he dangles her above the ground, too close to the edge of Olympus. “But I’ll make it work without you.”
Without any warning, he pulls her close for just a moment, probably to gloat more, and despite everything, she manages to spit right in his face. Disgust and hatred flare up alongside his aura, and she takes some sick satisfaction from it just before he tosses her off the side.
The wind rushes around her as she falls, any scream dying before it leaves her throat, the burns Ares left too painful for anything to spill past it. Tears finally break free of her, streaming down her cheeks and dripping into the air above.
From up above, she sees Ares watching her, looking over the edge before he turns around and goes. A traitorous part of her wants to call him back- somehow, dying alone is a more terrifying thought than having even the god of war with her. But she promptly shoves that need down and tries taking stock of everything else, hoping, praying that against all odds, she might find something to save her life.
Her hopes are dashed as quick as they came. The only thing near her as she falls are the other floating islands, each still too far for her to reach or land. And landing on one seemed just as deadly as not. 
She shudders, trying to rid her mind of such thoughts. When it comes to it, there’s nothing there to save her. Only Ares knew where she was, and she’d never taken the gods for ones that just stare over the edges of paradise waiting for some mortal to fall past them.
Against the harsh winds, she closes her eyes, and lets fear overcome her as consciousness fades- either from that very fear, or the hurt that Ares inflicted. The world disappears from sight, and it’s easy to think it’s all a bad dream in the ever-lasting darkness.
She’s not sure how long she falls, or if she’s even falling at all. But someone calls her name- it’s a voice that her heart beats happily for, that always soothes her.
Alex.
They call out again, and whether she falls or not, she smiles, thankful that she can at least hear their voice once more. She thinks, if she is truly falling to her death, then Hypnos is a kind god where Ares is cruel.
It’s not as hard to accept such a terrible fate, when their voice settles her soul and pierces through the fear. She may be falling- or she may not be- but nothing makes her feel lighter than thinking of her love for Alex. 
And then their voice cuts through the fog that’s filled her mind- they’re a lot closer now, and she stirs, cracking her eyes open just a peek before jolting awake.
She is falling, careening down from Olympus to only gods know where. She’s still afraid, but she knows what she heard, and looks around wildly, desperate to see-
There.
Alex, with such a pained look on their face that it makes her heart ache, riding on one of the many pegasi that populate Olympus. She’s not even sure that they’re tame animals, but Alex rides it as if they’ve done it their whole life.
Their hand reaches out towards her, and though her fingers are numb and she can hardly muster the strength to move at all, she reaches back.
She’s not sure what she’s done to deserve such a thing, but the moment her fingertips touch Alex’s, she knows everything will be alright. There’s no room for doubt as Alex’s hand closes around hers and pulls her onto the pegasus, cradling her body to theirs and holding on tight.
Her throat protests, but she tries to speak anyways, only stopping when Alex’s worried gaze falls on her, and they tell her to save her energy. She wants to argue, say something to convince them that she’ll be fine, now that they’re here. But they keep talking before she can choke something out.
“It’ll be okay. I’ll keep you safe, no matter what,” they promise her, guiding the pegasus back to one of the islands. “Gods... I’m so sorry, I never should’ve left you alone up here-” Their breath hitches and they shake their head. “But that doesn’t matter right now. What matters is getting you help.”
They nod, resolute.
She nearly nods off while they fly, the beat of their heart and the sound of the pegasus’ wings a sweet kind of rhythm. Instead of succumbing to slumber, though, a single thought persists through her mind, and she takes the time to grab Alex’s attention and say one word.
“...How?”
This time, the look Alex gives her does more than make her heart ache- it breaks it into a hundred different pieces.
“Ares told me.”
Her blood goes cold and her brows draw together, confusion warring with anger. Alex must read her like an open book, because they look away, the guilt and pain in their own expression too much to bear.
Their own heart is breaking, that much is clear.
And then they whisper the words that really, truly crush her, hurt worse than Ares’ burns or falling to her death. Words that will take the rug out from under her feet for the rest of her life, that she wishes would be lost to the wind around them.
"I agreed to become his hero. In your place.”
It’s unspoken, but their worst fears have come true:
Ares won.
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wavesofinkdrops · 7 years
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Snapshots
Anonymous asked: Writing prompt: Ivan is an immortal but Alfred is just a regular human. Every time Alfred gets reborn, Ivan falls in love with him over and over again. Alfred has no memory of his previous lives until he finds pictures of Ivan with his exes that look suspiciously like him 👀👀👀👀 Ik this is based on that tumblr post but i just want a rusame ;;;;; I'll give you my first born child im a huge slut for this reincarnation kinda thing thank
Thank you, anon, for your prompt! This went a bit off the rails initially and got longer as I went on, but here we go. Sorry it took so long. Slight warnings for temporary character death, but nothing major otherwise. And thank you @kagemushakosuke for being an awesome beta-reader!
The first time Ivan sees him, he’s bathed in the golden light flooding the late afternoon.
The longshoremen and dock hands are streaming into and out of the ship, and Ivan oversees the process with little interest. The captain of the ship and some American officials are making jovial conversation next to him, discussing everything from weather in Moscow at this time of the year to the political climate in the Colonies.
And out of the corner of his eye, he sees a flurry of movement and a flash of something, and when he looks over he finds himself looking at a boy. He’s beautiful, the sunlight adding a shine to his youthful features. He’s moving around swiftly, carrying packages and crates and helping here and there to unload the ship.
And while he is perhaps the most beautiful person Ivan has ever seen, the first time he ignores it as best he can. He’s just a boy among all the others.
The second time Ivan sees him is much later, in - if he remembers correctly - 1851. Ivan is walking along the streets of Moscow, and comes to a bridge. The boy is standing there, in the middle of the bridge, looking over it to the river underneath.
Ivan can’t immediately recall why the boy seems familiar, but when he does, the boy is also looking at him. Ivan belatedly realises he was staring. Oddly, the boy doesn’t break the gaze, but smiles radiantly. Ivan responds with a smile more apologetic and embarrassed, and crosses to the man (he looks slightly older now).
“Pardon me for staring, it is just that you reminded me of someone I - knew,” Ivan offers as an apology, and though it seemed impossible, the man’s smile widened.
His response is given in flawless albeit accented Russian. Foreign. “It is fine, it has happened to me, too.” The man extends a hand. “My name is Alfred. Alfred F. Johanssen.”
Ivan takes the hand, and shakes it. “Ivan Braginsky. Pleasure to meet you.” Alfred responds similarly, and Ivan decides to engage in polite small-talk. “Where are you from? I venture you aren’t from here.”
Alfred chuckles. It’s a soft sound. Reminds Ivan of a light June breeze. “The accent gave me away, did it not? I am American. I am a student here in Russia.”
Ivan smiles. His response is in English. “If you are more comfortable with English, I am fluent in it,” he says.
Alfred seems relieved, although he tries to conceal it. “If it’s no bother. Thanks. I’m fluent, but it still is a bit of work on some days.”
“What has brought you to Moscow then?” If Alfred is fluent, perhaps he works here. Although he seems so terribly young.
“I’m a student of the University. I heard the classes are good, and had the opportunity to travel abroad for my studies.”
Ivan makes an agreeing hum. “What is it you study?”
“Medicine. It’s hard, but worth it.”
There’s something about Alfred that’s charming, and Ivan finds himself enjoying the conversation. They chat lightly for some time, and soon Ivan finds himself inviting Alfred for dinner, and they soon become regulars in each other’s lives.
The first photo is taken when Alfred gets his doctorate in medicine, and they celebrate it by eternalising the moment.
As much as it pains Ivan to do so, he announces to Alfred in 1859 that he’s being transferred to another country, Germany or France - he can’t remember which any more - to work for His Imperial Majesty. Alfred seems downcast, but Ivan vows to visit and write to Alfred often. He writes but never visits (explaining why he looks the same as twenty years ago would be complex at the least) and Alfred mentions his return to the United States now that he has his degree.
In 1862, he receives a letter in an unfamiliar handwriting. It’s signed Matthew, Alfred’s brother. The letter tells Ivan that Alfred perished in the war, trying to save the lives of wounded men. It pains Ivan more than he imagined, but it is nothing he hasn’t experienced before. Friendship does not come easy for a man like Ivan.
Heroic, Ivan thinks as he reads the letter again, and the word fits Alfred. He ignores the way his heart pulls.
Thirty or so years later, Ivan makes a trip to the United States. He’s reading the newspaper when he comes across a picture of Alfred F. Johnson in it, proudly standing in front of a large building. The man is a Senator. Ivan realises he never asked about the middle name.
Ivan doesn’t meet him in those years, but he keeps the picture. He convinces himself he has no idea why he does so.
As morbid as it may sound, to Ivan wars are nothing but distractions. After all, war provides him with a break from the dull, usual rhythm of life. But this time, war takes a rather new and painful twist for him.
When the war breaks out in 1914, he immediately signs up and quickly rises through ranks due to his sheer skill with a weapon and in military strategy. And when the tide turns in 1917, he knows it wise to join the ranks if the Red Army. And he is soon on the front lines of the civil war tearing his country apart.
Frankly, everything up until July 1920 is rather familiar to Ivan. It is, in all honesty, July 17th that takes Ivan by surprise. That day, Ivan would always remember as the date of his death. The previous time was in 1561, the exact date of which was rather hard to pinpoint, with a rather inconvenient sword through his chest. He’d been in and out of consciousness for days, alone in a forest, and had had to pull the sword out himself in one of his moments of consciousness to allow his body to heal the wound itself instead of him bleeding out, again.
This time, he supposes he miscalculated many things. The first being the simple operation plan, the final being his enemy. He makes his way through the bright night with a handful of his men. It is rather irritating to attempt covert operations so far north in the summer, as darkness is never a cover there. They’ve almost reached the enemy camp when they’re ambushed and surrounded. It doesn’t take long for the shower of bullets to rain through the men, and Ivan finds himself turning to the last enemy man.
To his surprise, the man is Alfred. He’s much younger, almost the age he was when Ivan first saw him bathed in gold. Perhaps he lied about his age when he enlisted.
Alfred blinks twice when Ivan’s weapon does nothing, and fires with shaking hands. Ivan knows that the bullet from Alfred’s gun slammed right through his head.
His last conscious thought is that he’s lucky for the clean in-and-out trajectory.
It’s not long before there’s another war that comes and goes, and Ivan finds himself now weaving through the crowds. He finds himself at the edge of the Elbe, the river flowing gently downwards. The American and Russian soldiers behind him are cheerfully and loudly chatting and singing. He digs his pockets for a cigarette and lights it. The river continues to flow, the same way it has for centuries. Ivan has seen the river many times throughout the years.
To his side, there’s a cough and shuffling. He looks up from the river. His eyes land on what seems to be an American officer, and he looks perhaps in his mid- or late thirties. And then Ivan’s eyes meet the striking blue ones, that smile quickly at him before turning away. Ivan doesn’t think long, and he approaches Alfred. He would be lying if he said he isn’t fond of the man.
Alfred doesn’t see or him approaching. “It is a rather nice day to be alive,” Ivan says. The American turns to him with a smile.
“It sure is.” Alfred looks at him for a moment, but then his expression morphs into a quizzical one. Another moment later, he pales considerably. “Jesus Christ, you-!” Alfred takes a step back, and the realisation crashes in Ivan’s mind.
After all, a normal person would not react kindly to seeing the exact same man he killed twenty years earlier, standing around in flesh and blood. But Ivan’s face simply falls away from his smile, into one of question. “I’m sorry if I am intruding, I can-”
“I- Jesus, no, it- uh… it’s fine. You just… you look exactly…” Alfred frowns. Exactly like a man I killed twenty five years ago in Russia, Ivan completes in his mind. Perhaps he had even been Alfred’s first kill. Alfred shakes his head. “Must be the whole damn thing playin’ tricks on me. War does that,” he chuckles humourlessly.
“Yes, it does.”
“So, uh-?”
“Lieutenant Braginsky,” Ivan completes.
“So, what next, Lieutenant?”
Ivan shrugs. “I do not know. Returning to Russia. And for you,...?”
“Lieutenant Johns.” Alfred sighs. “The Pacific. War ain’t over there yet, and someone’s gotta do it. Maybe get myself some more shiny medals and a new title. Who knows.”
“Who ind-” Ivan is cut off by someone yelling Photograph! And some minutes later they all stand with their men together with a smile on their faces.
Ivan manages to get a copy of the photograph later on, and he realises he still doesn’t know Alfred’s middle name.
He finds out some months later when he reads about the death of Captain Alfred Frederick Johns from Pennsylvania in Japan. The headline reads NORMANDY HERO DIES IN JAPAN.
Alfred does not seem to be meant to live long lives. Ivan finds it ironic. He folds the paper away, but not before saving the picture of the radiant smile aimed at the camera.
The next time Ivan crosses paths with Alfred, they could almost be friends. Ivan is leaving his apartment when a young man with bright blue eyes and a clear voice bumps into him.
The man apologises in perfect Russian, and Ivan notices there’s not the hint of an accent. Ivan doesn’t have time to respond before Alfred is hurtling down the stairs of the standard Soviet apartment building.
Apparently Alfred lives on the floor just above Ivan, as he finds out after crossing Alfred on the following morning. Alfred introduces himself, however, as Fyodor Kozlov, and Ivan concludes he works for the C.I.A.
Ivan figures he can enjoy it while it lasts.
They’re almost friends. Alfred likes to cook, and often invites Ivan for dinner. Ivan has a slightly better television than Alfred, so whenever Alfred wants to watch something specific he’s knocking on Ivan’s door. Moscow is a beautiful city that they often enjoy taking walks through. And when Ivan snaps photo after photo of an elated Alfred in different spots of the city, he realises there’s a reason he thinks the man is special, and why they keep crossing roads.
Alfred sometimes vanishes for a few days at a time, to visit family, to run an errand, attend to business. It’s not long before Ivan’s bosses catch on to it and Alfred’s apartment is raided, Alfred arrested. The U.S. refuses to acknowledge Alfred’s existence. And so, after Ivan leaves the interrogation room after the seventeenth questioning, it’s Fyodor who is sent to a work camp. Alfred is probably long gone, forgotten, having refused to capitulate and give up information. It’s the only thought that makes the entire ordeal bearable for Ivan.
Ivan keeps both the photos he and Alfred took and the photographs from the Alfred Frederick Johnston, C.I.A. Agent file.
Some years later, Ivan comes across the older photographs that he forgot he had. He decides to put them all into the same spot. A week later, he finds a small black album, and he puts the pictures into it in chronological order. The newspaper cut-outs, the professional photographs, the ones snapped with a cheap camera here and there.
He idly wonders when the next time he will see Alfred is. And he wishes, though he denies it even to himself, that they be granted more time.
Ivan meets Alfred F. Jones in 2013. He’s an enthusiastic intern, and Ivan had the good luck to be assigned as his mentor on his first weeks. Alfred is meant to follow Ivan everywhere around the complex, and Ivan soon finds there is no containing Alfred’s enthusiasm whatsoever. The boy, fresh out of university with top grades in Astrophysics, is every bit as fascinated by the building itself as he is by the people and work it inhabits. SpaceX had been Ivan’s workplace for only a few years, but he’s managed to make himself a name. After all, he does have the advantage of a few hundred years of mathematics and scientific studies behind him.
Alfred is a ball of questions, firing one after another to Ivan - who barely finds time to answer before he has another one to think about. The next launch is in a little over a month, no it won’t be manned, research purposes mainly, testing secondary. Main focus of the research is anti-gravity, yes, its effects on plants. New type of engine, in the attempt to shift towards cleaner energies. And the questions keep coming. By the time they finish the tour, it’s late into the afternoon and so Ivan decides that there is no need to start on anything today. He leads Alfred to his office, where Alfred stares incredulously at the whiteboard covered in mathematical symbols.
“What’re you working on at the moment?” Alfred asks.
“It is nothing extremely interesting. I’m merely trying to see how to increase the efficiency of the engine if it were running on other types of fuel, to broaden our possibilities, while still being cost-efficient.” Alfred nods, and Ivan has an inkling it’s unlikely this project will remain his alone for long. He smiles genuinely at the youth who seems to be attempting to remember every detail on the board.
A few months down the line, and Ivan has accepted Alfred as a constant presence in his life. Alfred is either working on a project he wants Ivan’s opinion on, or he’s interested in what Ivan is working on, or they just happen to be put into the same widescale projects. One day Ivan actually forgets that his office isn’t Alfred’s when he’s looking for the American and puzzled as to why he isn’t in Ivan’s office as he usually tends to be.
After a year, they’re friends outside of work. It starts off when they find out they don’t live very far from each other; Alfred’s car broke down and he had called Ivan to tell him he would be late to work. Ivan then asked where Alfred lived, and found out it was barely a detour from his apartment to Alfred’s. From that car ride onwards, they regularly carpool and arrive to work together.
One morning, Ivan accidentally meets Matthew  - Alfred’s twin, who was usually at work before Ivan got to Alfred’s - when he mistakenly assumed it was Alfred and tried to get him to get to work. When Matthew introduces himself properly, Ivan remembers the letter that he received over a century ago, but pushes the thought away for the moment. Matthew takes quickly to liking Ivan, and teasing Alfred about the boyfriend he wasn’t told about. Matthew, against Alfred’s wishes, invites Ivan to dinner.
Outside of work, Alfred and Ivan spend time either in libraries when their company’s database isn’t available for their research into other theories or existing experimental data, or debating different equations over coffee.
It isn’t long before Matthew tells Ivan to hurry it up a bit and ask Alfred on a date already, and Ivan does.
“Damn, this is nice,” Alfred whistles as he enters Ivan’s apartment. Alfred had realised he’d never been to Ivan’s apartment, as many times as they’d been to Alfred’s (much to Matthew’s misery), and since then Alfred had been bugging Ivan over it. And so here they are, Alfred taking in the cosy place. It’s nicely furnished, with some pretty standard things. What draws to Alfred the most is the huge bookshelf with books in multiple languages and in various stages of old age. He gently traces the spines of a few of the books.
“How many languages do you speak exactly?” Alfred asks after he’s come across books in English, French, Russian, Chinese, German, Japanese, Italian… “All of these?”
“Yes, in fact, all of those and a few more. I have no books in Romanian, Swedish or Arabic, but I do manage with them when I speak.”
Alfred looks incredulous. “How much time did you spend on learning them, and how did you manage astronomy with it?”
Ivan has a well-rehearsed story by now, which he always does tweak a bit to fit the necessities of the time era. “My father was half-Russian, half-Chinese, and my mother German - naturally, I learnt all of these at home. I lived for a while in France, where I went to an international class and thus learnt both French and English. Some languages I just picked up along the way, such as Italian and Swedish, others I learned for one reason or another.”
“Wow. Okay. And here I struggle with basic French. I know a bit of Spanish though,” Alfred says with a laugh.
Alfred plops down on the couch, and Ivan goes to the kitchen. “Would you like something to drink?” He asks Alfred.
“Yeah, just whatever you’re gonna have!” Is the response he receives. Ivan settles on wine, and soon is pouring two glasses. No noises are coming out of the living room, and while that isn’t alarming, it certainly is odd when the person in the living room is Alfred. When Ivan finished pouring the two glasses, he goes back to the living room and finds that Alfred is flicking through a book from the shelf with a deep-set frown. Ivan sets the glasses down, and doesn’t doubt for a moment Alfred has picked one of the foreign ones and is trying to decipher it.
“Are you trying to deciph-”
Oh.
Ivan recognises the small book in Alfred’s hand, which really is not a book at all. He perhaps should have thought twice about putting the album there, amongst all his other books, but he also had never counted in the probability of Alfred picking out that one out of the rest of them.
Alfred looks up at him, a mix of worry and fear in his eyes. “Ivan?” He asks with a dry voice. He clears his throat, and looks between the album and Ivan. “What the hell is this?”
Ivan is frozen in place, and this is one of the rare situations he does not have a good, logical explanations for.
“Is this me?” Alfred continues. Upon receiving no answer from the shocked man, he pressed on. “Ivan, why do these pictures all look like me?” His frustration seems to grow with each passing second. “Is this a joke?!”
Ivan tries to approach Alfred to take the album away from him, but Alfred steps back. “I… I can explain.”
“Well, I sure do hope you can, because otherwise I’m calling the cops on you. What the fuck is this?” His tone is louder, angrier.
“Alfred, how old did I tell you I was?”
“Answer me, dammit, don’t change the subject!”
“Believe me, Alfred,” Ivan tries with his most calming voice, “believe me, I am trying to explain. How old am I?”
Alfred looks disbelieving. “27. That’s what you told me.”
Ivan… isn’t sure where to go from there. “I, ah,... In all truth, I am closer to 500,” Ivan says.
Alfred looks completely disbelieving and unamused. “What the hell are you-”
“492 this year, to be exact,” Ivan continues, but he doubts it makes much of a difference. “I’m immortal.” Alfred doesn’t respond. “And in my past, I have met people who… ah… resemble you, and are also called Alfred, and whom I have on some occasions been friends with. Although,” Ivan chuckles in an attempt to lighten the tension, “you did kill me once.”
Alfred looks at him without blinking, the album still tightly in his hands. “This is some kind of sick practical joke, isn’t it? Where’s the camera?” He looks around him. “What the hell, Ivan, I thought -”
“It’s not a joke, Alfred,” Ivan says quietly in the hopes of Alfred believing him.
“So, what, if I take a knife and plunge it straight into your heart you’ll just stand there and blink at me?” Alfred asks with a flat voice.
“No, not exactly. I would pass out, and if you remove the knife from me immediately then my body will heal the wound and I will wake up again. If you don’t, I will swim in and out of consciousness until I manage to take the knife away myself and hence allow the healing to-”
“You expect me to believe that?!”
“How do you want me to prove it?” Ivan asks, and Alfred falls silent. Neither of them really has any idea. Ivan walks up to Alfred and takes the album from him, going right back to the beginning.
“Before this first picture, I saw you near the times of the American Revolution as a dockhand. In this one, you - well, your… your reincarnation, to be exact - had just obtained their doctorate from the University of Moscow. We were friends then. You died only a few years later in the American Civil War. After that, on a trip to the US, I saw you in the newspaper - here - as a Senator. Never once met you personally in that lifetime.”
Ivan takes a breath, trying to determine Alfred’s reaction, but his expression is almost blank.
Ivan continues. “1920, July 17th to be exact, you were one of the Allied troops sent to Russia to fight off the Red Army. You looked too young to be in the Army and I imagine you’d lied about your age. I was part of the Red Army, and you shot me in the head. Luckily for me, that shot went straight through and allowed me to heal. After that, I saw the same you, only much older as a Lieutenant, when our troops met at the Elbe. You… seemed like you’d seen a ghost when you recognised me, but didn’t actually bring up the subject. That photograph is of you and I and our men, see? There is me, not a day older than I look now, yes? And here is you, your reincarnation or whatever you may wish to call it.”
Ivan sighs. “Once again, you died, this time in the Pacific.” Ivan points to the newspaper article. “The next time, you were a CIA agent sent to the USSR to spy. Ironically, I had a few years earlier joined the KGB - they had somehow found military records of me, but funnily enough they either didn’t know they were from WWII, or simply ignored how young I looked compared to how old the records were. And of course, to add to this, you lived one floor above me. We became… friends. Until, well, you were caught and sent to a work camp. Never heard from you again, and haven’t met any reincarnations since that one.”
“You’re - you’ve got to be-” Alfred looks at Ivan, whose face is serious and sullen. “You’re not joking.”
It’s not a question, but Ivan still responds. “No, I am not. I wouldn’t lie about this, especially if the evidence is rather damning.”
“I’m… But-”
“You’ve never told me your middle name, is that right?” Ivan asks, a final thought coming to him. Alfred thinks, before shaking his head. “Frederick, isn’t it?”
“You could have gotten that from any file on me,-”
“I do not have access to those documents, I was not the one who hired you.”
“But there, that reincarnation, his last name is Johns-”
“Yes, but the first name and middle name do not change. For some reason, do not ask me why.”
“Well, why are you immortal?”
“I was 27, and came across a… witch. They were rather common at the time, but secretive. Of course, I did not know who she was, and ended up on her bad side. She placed a curse on me, as was customary,” he says with a tense smile. “She doomed me to immortal life, and to fall in love - but watch them die a thousand times before the curse would break.”
Alfred looks shocked at that. “And… that person is me?”
“I refused to believe it pained me to hear you’d died, as many times as it happened. As much as I tried to deny it, you are the one.”
“We’re… like soulmates? Is that what you’re saying?” Alfred asks.
“As foolish as that sounds, it’s the best description. I’ve only ever met one other man like me, and the Frenchman’s been head over heels for an Englishman since the Middle Ages. Although I’m not quite sure how much the Englishman can stand him for even a lifetime. But, that’s beside the point - I will stand by you as long as I can,” Ivan explains. “I do understand if…” He takes a heavy breath. “If you never wish to see me again - for more than strictly professional purposes.”
Alfred is silent. “But if I grow old, you…”
Confusion settles in Ivan’s face. “What?”
Alfred seems to be deep in his mind, thinking something through. “Ivan, I’m in love with you.” Alfred’s eyes are confused but truthful. “I liked you from the moment I met you, and - and - there’s a reason why I basically lived in your stupid office for over a year! When I pined after you for months on end to Mattie he got so tired of me he told you to ask me out!” Alfred’s eyes widen at the confession and he looks away, too embarrassed to meet Ivan’s eyes.
Ivan can’t help but break a smile, despite knowing that the issue still hasn’t been resolved. When Alfred looks at Ivan again, he in fact tells him so.
“Stop smiling! I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now, I mean, I love you and I really don’t want to lose you but goddamnit, how do we… What if - when, not if, you’re immortal, I’m not - what about when I grow old? What happens then?”
“Alfred,” Ivan cuts him off, “if you can’t tell from this,” he holds up the album, “and how I just told you how long I’ve been in love with you, the answer is longer than you’ve been alive. I won’t leave you.”
Alfred looks at his hands, that he’s wringing together out of nervousness. “I guess we can just figure everything out later.”
“What?” Ivan asks, confused as to what Alfred means.
“Well, I mean, I’m the only one of us who’s gonna grow old, so at least I don’t have to worry about… about what to do if you - if you died or stuff. I’ll just…” Alfred sighs. “We can make it up as we go along.” Ivan smiles. “Promise me to find me in my next life, though, and make it work again. Because if I fell in love with you the moment I saw you, in this life, chances are I’ll do it again. In, uh, another life. Just, you know, try to like… reason, with me, if you can, and explain things and all that? Or maybe I can - I can somehow… convince myself that, that it’s true, like some kind of -  of letter -”
Ivan nods, and takes Alfred’s hands into his own. “I will find a way.” His smile speaks volumes, and there’s a slight tint rising in Alfred’s cheeks that Ivan finds adorable. “In the meantime, we can enjoy right here, right now,” he says, and Alfred smiles.
“Yeah,” he answers with a slightly breathy voice, “yeah, that sounds nice.”
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notrobyn · 6 years
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im on episode 8 of stranger things 2 and just to avoid boring anyone with my shit im gonna put my obnoxious stream of consciousness commentary under a read more
yep here it is and we’re starting with billy’s dad being a total fucking bellend i mean i hated billy but i think. maybe. i can let it go based on this dick.
omg is he crying im legit so upset i don’t even care about billy why am i sad abt this 
but hey it’s okay we’re back to steve and the kids having an argument he is literally like their dad also lol max is the only sensible one round here tho why WOULD they run towards the sound
okay real talk. there is a lab in this town and everyone is just like oh. okay. nothing worrying or creepy about that even tho there’s loads of fucking weird shit going down in this town (why do they always put important shit in the basement, idiots)
im having a great time with sean astin tho im fairly sure this is going to be heartbreaking but bob is such a good dude if he turns out to be evil im going to cry
right okay but jonathan, nancy, and steve could solve their problems so much easier by. just. sleeping together. or alternatively never speaking to each other again, both of those would fix it. anyway this love triangle is boring as fuck now but i love all of them separately except nancy hasn’t had anything fun to do this season at all
i think overall i wanted more characterisation this season like i would rather have nothing bad for a really long time so that they could just be normal kids and interact like humans and then the bad thing could happen like later on. also on an unrelated sidenote bob is definitely about to die.
IS THAT DOCTOR FINALLY EVIL i thought he was evil right from the start and then he started being a nice and sensible person but now he’s leading bob - oh WAIT no maybe he’s not trying to kill bob? this is all very very confusing but i can see the evil thing being way too close to sean astin
they both just breathed a sigh of relief which means everything is about to go to fucking SHIT oh bob did u just drop a broom on the floor im so sorry bob this didn’t have to en - oh wait OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK that was horrific
they also really didn’t need to show me the demon creatures eating his whole dead body
these kids tho, they’re so good. i want. more friendship of the kids. but i don’t want joyce/jim esp when her partner just died. that’s not the one. dustin is angry and i am too. about the demogorgons not about joyce and jim lol
oh steve u v pretty fool. but honestly he is me in this situation. 
wait is billy coming back
oh joyce i love u so much she wants to kill it and so do we all. NO are they going to wake will up i feel like that’s a bad idea. are they legit just going to blindfold will oh no wait of course sticking him in a shed is clearly the better option
nancy this is not the moment to talk about ur relationship drama and i think steve knows that too. ur literally fighting an otherworldly monster .
I SAW U HOLDING HANDS ON THE BUS LUCAS sometimes u forget how young these kids are jesus christ also i totally get why mike is not having it with max but also he could stand to be a little nicer esp considering her life seems pretty shitty atm and also they just accidentally involved her in a death world problem idk 
where is billy? i keep suddenly remembering him
lol will literally has no clue where he is omfg they tied him to a chair??? this is horrible and i don’t like it but also he is fucking terrifying holy shit this kid needs awards and shit what a brutal role 
oh no this is gonna get emotional joyce is trying to bring will back from the evil mind flayer by telling him stories about himself and im not sure i can make it through two more episodes without crying lol this is so good..i wish i’d binged the whole season to be honest i think nine episodes in a row of just stranger things would have meant i didn’t have enough time to think about theories and just like. watch the show oh no they’re ALL getting in on it and now mike is crying and. fuck. this isn’t fun. give all these kids awards.
this emotional warfare could go one of two ways. and fuck it went the bad one. WHAT IS HE TAPPING SHIT IN HELL oh no it’s okay also wait did they leave hi alone. oh no it’s fine they’re telling the stories to distract the monster while they actually talk to will this is so clever. wow it’s a good thing there’s so many ppl tho imagine if it was just joyce jonathan nad hopper
CLOSE GATE IS THE CREEPIEST MESSAGE THEY COULD HAVE GOT AND ALSO THAT MEANS WILL KNOWS WHERE THEY ARE shit in fucking . fuck.
i love how organised they are tho even tho they clearly weren’t ready to have to move they did it v cleverly
also wait where is eleven? im sure she was on her way back. omg is mike using  a trophy as a weapon
um. that’s a dead monster in their house wtf is going on here omg is that ELEVEN AT THE DOOR
can’t wait for the mileven meeting also hi i definitely didn’t just cry at eleven coming through the door fuck.
okay that’s the end of the episode and therefore the end of this useless shit. soz for spamming u .
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bts-sexy-reads2 · 7 years
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Live Life Golden Part 9
Tumblr media
Jungkook x reader
Warnings: strong language
Words: 2789
{ Previous } { Next }
Summary:
He was a graduate of the elite class, inherited billions from his father, and lived the life of an international playboy. (y/n) came into his life and made him question it all.
We were talking about our next camping trip when the crash happened. Moment in time froze as we spun out of control. My body was knocked in and out of conscious as the car finally stopped. I remember blinking in pain, watching the world upside down as broken glass and god knows what else scattered the cement and the inside of the car. My mother screamed my name over and over again as she shook me. I felt so tried though...
I just wanted to close my eyes for a bit, that maybe my heart would slow down if i just fell asleep or maybe I would wake up from this nightmare. But then the sound of the gunshot woke me up completely. Watching as my mothers blood dripped down her forehead out her exit wound. MY fathers body was already limp in the drivers seat...
I wanted to scream but nothing would come out as i stared at my bleeding mother. Bodies still upside down but their now held zero movement. I was fading out of consciousness as the flames began to spark outside the car. I thought this would be the end for all of us. And for a second i was okay with closing my eyes and joining my parents.
But then i woke up.
Scared and forever alone.
My body burned as I stared at the man that held the devils last name. His chest was heaving up and down as if he was running, box with a bow in one hand and the other running through his hair. "(y/n) what-."
"I said what the actual fuck is this!!" I screamed as I tossed the vanilla folder at him, watching as the evidence broke against his suit and scattered all over the floor. He paused, pressing the box on the desk and bent down to gather the papers. "You had this the whole fucking time and never told me?!" I continued to freak out as I began pacing in front of him, hands moving from my hair, cupping my own cheeks to tightening in balls of the long white t-shirt i wore.
"This is-." He paused as his eyes widened, his adams apple bobbing as he swallowed in guilt. he knew... he fucking knew... I stepped towards him in anger gripping at his dumb expensive suit. "(y/n) let me explai-."
"Fuck you Jeon Jungkook. " I smiled insanely as tears continued to stream down my face. "Do you have any idea how it feels to lose both your parents at the same time?" I began asking rhetorically. "Or how it feels to watch your poor as fuck parents struggle to by your school shoes?!" I was screaming again as Jungkooks eyes watched my face with worry.
"(y/n) I-."
"You what?" I scoffed roughly pushing off his chest and looking him up and down. "You want to tell me you know how any of that feels? Mr. 'I get a billion dollar company all to myself and i dont do diddly squat but get fucked up and fuck sluts'!!!" I screamed again, my throat burning in unimaginable pain at how loud i was now including how badly i just wanted to sob. "Jungkook you're nothing but a privileged boy with a murderous father and a mom who-."
"Dont talk about my mom (y/n)-." Jungkooks voice was deep as he stepped closer at the mention of his mother. I smirked evilly as i wanted to test the waters. "She had nothing to do with this-."
"With how your father killed innocent people for not paying his rich ass back immediately?" I scoffed and stepped closer to his taller intimidating body. "If I was her I would leave to. She didnt want to hold the guilt of killing all those innocent people-."
"Stop it." Jungkook spoke deeper now, gripping on my shoulders tightly as he stared at me with anger and sadness. "Please (y/n)." He begged leaning his forehead onto my shoulder. My body pulsing with guilt as he sighed shakily onto my neck. "I know you're upset but please hear me out." He paused pulling away but keeping his hold on me with one hand.
Maybe bringing up his mom wasn't right... But I'm just so fucking angry with him. There is no way in hell he didn't know about the folder. And to think I let lose around him, listened to his problems and even kissed the fool. I fell for Jungkooks playboy ways. I stared at him with hate filled eyes. I wanted to flick his hand away from me but I knew better than to just walk away in a situation like this. I needed to know everything. "I want you to explain how you didn't tell me about this the second you found it." I gritted my teeth as he sighed.
"(y/n) Its because of this exact reason. You're freaking out too much-." He paused as i go to yell at him again but he stops me. "and you have every right to freak out." He sighed with relief as i close my mouth again. "It's just it would be nearly impossible to explain all this to you while you are like this you know."
"I honestly dont give a fuck, just tell me jungkook." I replied roughly rubbing his hand off my shoulder and crossing my arms to my beating chest.
"fucking christ." He muttered as he ran his hands through his hair with impatience. "Alright sit down this is going to be alot and its clear you arent going to shut up until you here every fucking detail." He spoke as he closed the office door, my body slotting into his desk chair.
"Oh fuck you. I deserve every god damn detail! they're my dead parents Jungkook! And in case you forgot, you still have yours."
His lips pressed together in a thin line as he sat on his desk slightly and held the box with a bow in his hands, staring down at it with thought before pressing it back on the table. "I'm going to put my dad in jail." He began, my eyes widening to his words and serious tone as he looked at me. "There's more than just your parents files in there (y/n). More dead people because of my father. And all this time I ran around sucking off his tit and had no clue." He scoffed rubbing his hands through his hair again making it look like he just got out of bed.
He shrugged his jacket off and tossed it on the sofa in the office, hands loosening on his tie and untucking his shirt from his pants. "Well I figured that was the case." I spoke truthfully with a hint of hiss to my words still. I was trying to calm myself down but as I stared at the very spawn of the devil himself; i couldn't help but bite my cheeks roughly. "When did you find out your father was a murderous devil."
Jungkook swallowed again roughly as he ate my harmful words. "A month ago." He answered as he turned his body so he was completely facing me now, feet between my own sitting ones. "All those meetings ive been going to is not discussing the building on this company its about tearing it down and putting him in prison."
My eyes widened at his soft tone. He was serious.... "But why have me if you dont need to make the company look better?"
"Because I still have to make my dad think Im doing what he wants." He smirked. "you're part of a big puzzle here (y/n)." He crossed his hands together in his lap as he smiled at me. "And I'm going to continue to do all I can to give justice to not only your parents but everyone else he murdered."
im a dick... I mean I did have every right to scream and let my feelings out. But wow... Im an asshole. "I'd rather have my parents back in my life..." I muttered softly, throat still burning with the need to cry as I lowered my head on my chest.
"I know. And I wish I could give them back to you (y/n)." Jungkook spoke as he suddenly feel to his knees, eyes searching for my own that stared at him now instead of the floor. He smiled softly before cupping his sweaty hands with mine. he was nervous... "But this is the best I can do for now." He spoke softer as he moved one of his hands to bring the hair out of my face and tuck it behind my ear.
"You should have told me the second you found their file Jungkook-."
"(y/n) I didn't know you then like I know you now." Jungkook chuckled lightly. "But you're completely right I just didn't want to break you when you were already so broken...." He paused as he ran his thumb over my sore tear stained cheek. "But looks like that was going to happen anyway, and Im so sorry."
I didnt have anything else to say. Well thats a lie... I could ask him who else knew and other shit like that. But then thats just getting too technical when honestly I just wanted my parents back more than anything... "Im sorry for bringing up your mom-."
"Its fine (y/n). You are upset. You have every right to lash out on me." He scoffed as he rose back to his feet, my eyes following his standing motion only to have him cup my face again. I liked his touch more than I needed to right now... He was blood related to the fucking monster and here i was apologizing and my heart racing at his touch. But he was being rational... "It's going to take more time and you can't tell anyone about this. Not even lance or Polly."
I nodded softly as my eyes shift to the files again, images of the crash peeking through the cover as my throat burned in pain. I choked on a sob as I crashed into his lower body, hugging his crotch practically but I could care less. I needed comfort... So much comfort. "Why is the world so evil?" I sobbed as jungkook rubbed my back softly, mouth sobbing against his expensive pants.
"(y/n) let's get to your room okay." He pushed me away lightly only to cup at my face again and smiled. "You cant stay here and cry in a fucking office." He chuckled. "I'll put you to bed."
~
How could he stay so calm and content while I yelled at him? Why didnt he argue back or scream back at me? Why did he let me cry in front of him and tell me everything that was going to go down. Was it only because my parents were involved and I needed to know? thats probably it. He's probably insanely guilty and this is why hes being so soft and nice to me right now.
His arms wrapped around me while I cried into my pillow wasn't anything else but pity. But I could care less right now. He was warm and it felt like hugging my parents again. A beating chest against my sobbing lips, hands stroking my hair or back. I was being cared for again... Whether it was out of pity or not. i needed it.
"Im going out of town again tomorrow for another meeting." He spoke against my forehead as i gripped at his white button up in my hands, voice wavering from crying to a soft hum and sniffs now. "I'll tell you everything you need to know when you get back. (y/n) I want you to keep your parents file." He spoke making my eyes open and softly look up at him with shock. "If you dont want the world to know about your parents debt than I wont involve them. You'll still the justice you need when hes put away." He whispered, the soft smell of coffee and cologne came with his words.
"Please." I replied pushing myself tighter against his body, enjoying how hard and warm he was. "Thank you Jungkook." I muttered against his shirt, lips grazing over the smooth material. "Im sorry you have to lose your father as well now..." I muttered listening to his racing heart and expanding lungs.
"He was never a father to me anyway." He replied running his fingers through my hair softly. WE laid there in each others embrace probably running over all the words that were spoke in the past half hour. I wondered if all i said to him really stuck to him how bad it stuck to me. But a part of me was still insanely angry at him. I dont think I really will ever get over him not telling me.
Even the mature part of me that was saying, 'yeah i understand completely' was angry. My parents were dead because of someone that spoiled the fuck out of jungkook. Yeah sure I understood that hes now more mature than ever because of finding out the truth. But he was still the same kid he was. He had his moments when he was a selfish prick. Which is why im completely confused on why he was being nice to me the whole time I was screaming at him. was it because we kissed? was there some kind of connection between us now?
Well now I just sounded dumb because i was literally laying in his arms... "Jungkook-."
"(y/n)."
We spoke at the same time, catching each others eyes. Silence danced between the intense air as I scanned his soft lips and the distance between my own. He parted his lips to swipe his tongue over them briefly. My lower stomach tightened at the sight, eyes finally roaming up to his dark ones. "y-y-you go first." I found myself stuttering as I began to realize just how fucking close we really were.
"I uh-." He paused licking at his lips again, his fingers twitching on my waist as he thought. "If i kissed you, would you hate me even more or?" he spoke quickly making my heart flip and then my lower stomach tighten again. "I mean I dont want you thinking I'm taking advantage of this moment just because your sad and im holding you and-."
I sigh as I quickly shut him up with my own lips. I pulled back slightly to cup at his checks, leg pushing between his own as I stared at him. "I wanted to kiss you too..." I spoke honestly as i kissed him again softly, his muscles loosening up to grab on me tighter to deepen the kiss. I moan at the pull towards him as he tightens his arms around my waist and grips the back of my head. His lips were so fucking soft, needy and warm.
This was so wrong... so fucking wrong. I told myself as I flip him on his back and straddle him, my hips moving on their own as I begin rocking on him. I pull back from the kiss to pant at the friction of his erection on my clothed heat. "(y/n) w-wait." He stuttered, shaking hands stopping my movements of my hips with a tight grip. "I really cant believe Im saying this-." He paused as he caught his breath and ran his fingers through his hair, lips swollen from my biting movements. "We cant fuck like this... Not after what just happened."
"y-yeah..." I agreed, rubbing my hands through my hair before leaning forward on him and pushing my hands on his chest. my lips part again with the slight pressure of his crotch brushing against me again, his lips mimicking my own as well. "f-ffuck..." I muttered, my hips starting on their own again.
I couldn't help myself. It just felt so fucking good. The chill than ran up my body from feeling of his hard on rubbing against my clothed heat... I needed something that felt good again. Im tired of feeling so unhappy. I roughly dry humped him, his hands tightening on my hips again but this time giving in as well and just pushing me against him even more.
The room was filled with panting and regret as I moaned against his neck. "(y/n) we real-really need to stop." He begged pushing me off him this time. "Im sorry." He groaned as he jumped out of the bed and ran out of the room.
both on the edge of sexual frustration anger, and sadness...
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