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#if they did it that way people wouldnt be nearly as upset. i know i wouldnt be anyway

gin-juice-tonic · 9 months

Note

Hey there! I have a friend who wants to write a character with OCD, but I'm worried that she might not have a fully accurate image of what it is. I don't really know many people with OCD, but if you could could you give some tips to pass on to her? Sorry if this is weird, and you don't have to answer this if you don't want to. I just thought it would be better to get information from someone who is affected by OCD than skim an article about it. Thanks again (p.s. I really love your comics!!)

This is going to go under a cut cause i wrote more than I really intended. It's very long. I put a video clip of a character who I think is a good representation in media at the end if you decide you dont want to read all of that and just skip down there.

The thing is that OCD varies a lot from person to person. My experiences arent gonna look the same as someone else's who also has it. Some people have very visible symptoms, some people have things that are still obviously ocd symptoms but would only be recognized by someone who knew what to look for, some people only have mental symptoms - you wouldnt be able to tell unless you were a mind reader. And just like any other disorder it has a range of severity.

Also not everyone's triggered by the same things. I know you said you'd rather hear from a person than an article, but I think she should look at articles that detail what typical obsessions are (Though she should go in knowing these thoughts are beyond people's control. They're sometimes extremely upsetting, and theyre of course upsetting to the person who has them. They may be very hard to read if you arent well-versed in this stuff.) In fiction I usually see perfection and contamination, but there are wayyyy more than that. Some triggers come and go even. One day I can be completely fine about something and encountering it a different day it might take me 3 months to stop spiraling about it.

An important thing that IS spread across everyone who has it is that giving into compulsions makes things worse. They are a feeling of momentary relief that can fade incredibly quickly, which is what leads people to do them over and over and over again much to the detriment of the person doing it.

There is not a lot of rhyme or reason to it. And it cannot be logic-ed with. You could be the smartest, most level headed, logical person in the world, but you cannot logic your way out of obsessive thoughts. (This usually creates an obsessive thought spiral even, which is bad and can be dangerous...)

Adding onto that, she should think hard about whether the character would know they have OCD or not. The public perception of OCD is not great. Most people dont understand what it looks like, including people who have it. And the people who do have it often feel like they cannot talk about it. (I was encouraged by a psychiatrist to never! talk about the intrusive thoughts I have to ANYONE. She sucked, but it shows the attitude that surrounds the disorder.) And whether they know or not will make a big difference in how they view themself and their mental health. Personally when I did not know I had it I was doing a lot worse mentally. A lot. Frankly it very nearly drove me to suicide. And then I found out what it was, and it helped. It didnt magically make things disappear of course, but it helped.

She also might be tempted to make the characters symptoms manifest in ways that are comedic or silly. I am not bothered by this necessarily, I think a lot of the things I do are silly and would be perceived as funny by an outsider. But if she is going to do this I ask that she makes sure she shows how frustrating and embarrassing it is for the character. If you want an example, there is a character in the show Scrubs with OCD. (Side note, Scrubs is rated TV-14 so turn back now if youre too young but)

His name is Dr Kevin Casey, though you could probably just find his scenes from looking up Scrubs OCD. He is played off as a jovial man whose disorder makes him quirky, but he is given a scene in which you can really see the toll it takes on him. One line he says "Nobody's supposed to see this" hits especially hard.

So if that was too long and you didnt read most of it the number one important thing I'd personally ask is however inconvenient this characters OCD is going to be to everyone else Id like her to make sure she shows that its a million times more inconvenient to the person who has it.

#suicide mention #tw suicide mention #ask stuff #cw ocd #long post

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garyroachsanderson · 2 years

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loved the gaz hcs would you possibly entertain a part two with the rest of the teams reaction🫶

absolutely

the teams reactions to gaz & reader hcs — pt.2

(requested)

soap wishes he were in your position.. he is actually rather angry at the whole thing. he believed gaz and him were best buddies (being both sergeants) but isn’t directly upset at you. he wishes he had a relationship like it while hes stuck with Funky Ass Skull Guy 2000. he actually finds both your jokes funny but wouldnt say it out loud—he respects price too much.

ghost occasionally wishes it was him in gaz’ place, though he isn’t really caught up on younger people lingo. occasionally, he uses a burner phone to google what you’re saying on urban dictionary. he wasnt a big fan of games until one day you both convinced him to try minecraft, which he thought was fun. he also learned to be more laid back.

price wishes he were dead

soap and ghost have tried to work together to become a bond as strong as yours and gaz—but you can’t outdo the doer. their friendship is strong… in it’s own way..

there was a point where gaz played a clip of keemstar screaming playing rocket league and ghost RAN towards the room you shared. did i mention you share a room? saves time and effort

you set soaps notification noise to ‘SCOTLAANNDDDD FORREEVVEERRR’ and soap shouts everytime. he was once nearly shot to death because it went off in the middle of a mission. he doesnt know how to turn it off

“OH YEAH?? WELL WE’RE HAVING FUN TOO!!” soap shouts in retaliation to you and gaz taking a walk through the city. the ‘fun’ in question is a lifeless game of uno with price and ghost while they all poison themselves with alcohol

price knows the pairings—you and gaz, soap and ghost. roach often goes with soap and ghost, but occasionally he’ll go with you as well! roach isn’t that talkative but since hes young he understands lingo. it looks like he grew up in a ‘no video games’ household though, because you showed him your slime rancher save and he nearly passed out.

within the team there’s an inside joke you and gaz dont know about. “looks like they finally eloped” is a term they use whenever you and gaz take too long, assuming you ran away together.

late nights include sleeping on the same bed, one earbud in your ear and the other earbud in his ears as you’re forced to listen to the playlist you made together

#cod #kyle gaz garrick #call of duty modern warfare #simon ghost riley #john price #soap mactavish #141

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motherofkittens94 · 11 months

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Ah gee I went to see hozier yesterday and yeah I enjoyed it the music was good but I had such a strange experience right first off this lady pulled me out the queue and put me to the front im used to this part happening and I'm usually kinda glad like yes that’s the one single disability perk right, queue jumping

but also this lady was making me hold her hand which was a bit much like you dont need to do that I can walk but yeah my disability is noticeable i guess and people think theyre doing good but anyway she let me go in ahead and yeah that was great but then I guess she was telling the whole staff about me or something because like literally every other ten minutes some new staff member would corner me ask if I was okay or why I was alone or if was I lost or if I needed help I would say I'm okay not lost im by myself I can manage but then some other person would come later and ask me again if i was okay and if I wanted help and Its like again??

eventually they moved me to the raised platform which is not what i booked ok but fine it is a better view there from thanks but I dont see why people felt the need to be checking me so much i wasnt drunk i wasnt injured i wasn't upset i was not doing anything out of the ordinary nothing that anybody else wasn't also or less even i mean there were very drunk people there and they weren't being asked if they were okay

I mean asking once fine nice even

twice ?understandable but like seven /eight times? Frickin weird leave me alone already I can manage

Like I feel I should be grateful they were helping me and it sort of was and you may think oh but everyone wanted to assist you wouldnt you perfer that? surely worse things could've happened instead you got better treatment thats good right?

Yeah maybe but you know it was going on so often it made me feel self conscious like clearly I was coming off as not normal and /or vulnerable somehow or maybe they didnt believe i was as old as i said i was or idk but i didn't ask for help and didn't really need it either I just wanted to have fun listen to music relax be a regular person like everybody else there

It would've been fine- if i had asked for help - I didn't

Also afterwards they didn't even let me leave until it was nearly empty and then they all waving at me like goodbye sweetie goodbye _like embarrassing how am i ever gonna come back here now after this

and then they made two guys walk with me all down the street because i was going home by myself ive done this same journey a billion times i know what im doing

so anyway thats not even the end of it because next I take the train back and get off my stop someone in the train gets off to ask I'm okay and if I know where to go like yes I'm going home then as I go up the hill this lady is following me annnd then she asks im okay and if i need help as well!

what do you think I'm doing!

like what the hell is wrong with me tonight that nobody thinks I'm okay? I don't know what you think is wrong whats the matter with me huh? I can't work out what I did that made everyone so concerned except just being there

I was by myself fair- i guess if someone was with me all this wouldn't have happened and yeah im a loser and i go to events by myself sometimes so what? its not illegal though is it im twenty eight not bloody five i literally live there I don't need help walking around im not lost I dont need you to pretend to befriend me I did not need help

Maybe i took this all the wrong way because yeah they wanted to help but it felt like every single person was singling me out and letting me know they think I'm strange and that I cant cope

Uncomfortable!

This is what i get for trying to do normal gal activities I guess

#me im an adult and can do things alone #the whole stupid city :umm sweetie no you cant you need assistance y #i dont know if im overreacting or making it a big deal #but did i need this no #shouldve made a drinking game out of how many times i was asked if was i okay #i dont know what to feel about this really #am i unreasonable for this or #was i supposed to enjoy getting special treatment #ugh #personal stuff #shut up bethan

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maschotch · 2 years

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JJ's "stop being you" to reid when he reaches out to her while she's being haunted by Tivon Askari vs emily's "thank you for being you" when he does the same while she's being haunted by doyle.

And then they say she's been in love with him this whole time of course.

im not even a reidgirl and this moment always has me foaming at the mouth w rage akdhskhc ESPECIALLY bc he goes out of his way to try again and again to help her bc he sees his friend hurting, even when she’s pushing him away… he’s the one they always say doesnt understand people, but he keeps trying and trying and gives jj exactly what she needs to get herself through this

i think what makes this part particularly infuriating is that, as much as she claims otherwise, reid knows exactly what jj is going through? reid struggled soooo much after tobias and he was also lashing out at people trying to help him, unwilling to receive help the same way jj does bc they both hate to be seen as weak. and jj, of all people, should understand that. bc jj had her own ptsd and survivor’s guilt from that moment and blames herself for what happened to him.

later when emily comes back from being “dead” and they talk ab how reid came crying to jj every night for x weeks and nearly relapsed, jj gets angry at him for being upset with her. despite reid being the one who felt betrayed by people he loved most, jj was the one in tears because he wouldnt immediately forgive her for it, even going so far as to say he was being childish and acting out. and i think its bc she doesnt understand why he’s not bothering to hide his resentment

i think more than anything this moment was about jj seeing her trauma as a weakness or as a deficiency of some kind. she thinks she should just suck it up and power through bc that’s how she defines strength. she lashes out at reid bc he’s noticing that she’s struggling and he’s paying attention to it instead of just ignoring it. he’s doing for her what he wishes people had done for him. but unlike the others who regret not being there for him after tobias, jj doesnt feel that way. she thinks she did him a favor by not pointing out how he was struggling, as if it’s something to be embarrassed about.

im not saying reid has the best perspective on mental health either, but for someone who’s supposed to be emotionally immature, he far surpasses jj in regards to empathy and respect for others’ hardships. he’s a little clumsy sometimes in his attempts to help, but morgan and emily and the others all think its endearing and are comforted by his consideration. jj is just ashamed to need help in the first place (and thinks its shameful for others to rely on others as well) and hates that he’s calling attention to it.

anyway ajdhakgs i feel like i got off on a tangent there but the point is that jj has such a simplistic view of strenght/weakness. and its not just something she applies to herself either, which is why i get so annoyed with her. bc really she’s just a scared little girl who’s frightened of anyone getting close enough to see how hurt she is, but she’s turned all that fear into anger and wields it as a weapon against people who love her—both by resenting them for trying to help her and belittling them when they need help themselves.

#i could really go on ab this for ages akdhskhd #bc theres so many things to say ab this #i really just touched on how jj’s judgement of herself and those around her is flawed and full of unidentified self loathing #but there are so many other things that go into it #1. reid trying to help his friends and the way that jj vs emily react to it #2. emily also being just as stressed and lashing out at garcia—but immediately apologizing (unlike jj who just… doesnt say anything)#3. both jj and emily growing up in environments where everyone is watching them but no one supports them #4. how jj is humiliated to be cared for by others while emily is thankful for it #5. how emily is what jj wants to be #6. jj’s flawed worldview severely altering her perspective of her friends #7. emily accepting reid for who he is vs jj constantly criticizing him and making fun of him #could really write ten whole pages about each of these topics akdhskhd bc they ALL apply to this moment #asks #char crit #anti jj #idk im just. its moments like these where i question how anyone can like jj at all #just… why?

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intemperanceeee · 8 months

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the almost apology

I started to write an email but then i wasnt sure if i wanted to send it. I'm going to test it out here and see how i feel about it.

Dear Mer,

I have had some time to process our last meeting. you know the one, where you insisted that we meet so that you could apologize to me for all of your behavior.

if you stop reading here: know this, i am so upset and disappointed by how that went. I know that you think it went okay, but it was not.

i feel worse than before, when we were in limbo and you hadnt spoken to me since the concert incident. you know the one, where you got so drunk that you couldnt function in the middle of the pit, and were carried out by EMS, but not before insisting that i come with you. Effectively getting me also kicked out of the concert as well. Remember that? do you? do you even know what you did? i'm not sure, because when we met for you to apologize, all i got was "i'm so sorry for putting you through that". I have no idea how you thought that was an acceptable apology. You need to articulate what you're apologizing for, and we both know there was a lot more that you needed to apologize for than just the concert incident. You have treated me like a doormat for years. You have used me, talked down to me, made me feel like i knew nothing, was nothing, and had nobody but you. Being your friend was traumatizing. It was co dependency. It was hard for me to exist without you. It still is. When i go out now, if i run into anyone, they ask where you are, and i have to battle with my brain on whether i tell them what happened or not. But either way, the mention of you nearly ruins my night. It sucks. I am constantly reminded of how we were basically joined at the hip for years. people equated you with me, we were one in the same. you were my person. and i was yours. sort of.

You met me at that park to apologize. Because jake told you to. Not because you thought of it yourself. You didnt even try anything before that to mend our friendship. It was like you didnt care, but i know that you care, you just shut down and left the situation the way it was. You assumed that if you did nothing, the problem would go away. You think that about everything. That's why you dip out at parties when you get too messed up, why you never apologize for anything, or acknowlege that other people have helped you when you were too messed up to finish your job, or get home. You just coast and assume that it will all work out without you having to do anything, and if it doesnt work out, then you ignore it until it goes away. You cant keep doing that with everything. i've seen you do this with everything else in your life and i never thought you would do it to me.

I told you that i wouldnt deal with you while you still drank. I said it was the final straw, i wrote you that letter and you signed it. You signed it in front of me and cried. You said you would try. You made it barely a week before you started drinking again RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. In case you forgot - it was when we went to the pumpkin carving party, and i went outside to take a call. I came back in and you had ordered a beer. That is when i decided that i was going to move out and buy my own place. And you were not welcome. Were you really so surprised that i was serious? Is that why you told people that i was abandoning you, that i was going to let you move in with me and rent out my spare room, or that i was going to find someone to live in my room while you stayed in yours? We never discussed any of those things, but you felt the need to tell everyone we knew about how i was the villain because i was dumping you like trash. That is unfair and you know it.

I was finally doing something good for myself, and you felt the need to make it about you. You literally gave me the "i'm so happy for you, truly, but i just feel so blindsided by this". As if i didnt tell you in NOVEMBER that you had until the end of March to find a new place. I made that so clear. I'm not in charge of understanding things for you. I moved out, i bought a place and you got an apartment by yourself. I tried to distance our friendship a little because i needed space. But i wanted to still be there for you. I just really needed to take care of myself and be serious about my move, considering it was a huge step in my relationship. I expected so much more from you, and i guess that was my fault for expecting too much from you, when you have time and time again shown me that you are incapable of doing more than that - because you are stuck being drunk and/or hungover 100% of the time.

You are paralyzed by alcohol and you always will be until you get completely sober. you cannot drink socially or "sometimes". you cannot regulate your intake. you cannot be a moderate drinker, or a normal drinker. Every day you continue drinking, you're killing yourself. you're also making your friends' lives hell. It sucks being around you when you drink. You are always a liability. Because when you walk into a room with the people who know you the most, and you start drinking, there's a silent agreement between the people in the room that one of us is going to have to take care of you or help you in the inevitable crisis. Now i know... you're going to say "i always get myself home, i'm always fine... blah blah blah" well to that i say: Bullshit. complete bullshit. yeah, you pour yourself into your own uber plenty of times, and you physically make it home. sure. but you also make EVERYONE worry about you when you do that. that's the best case scenario. the worst cases are the ones where you need help standing up, and someone has to physically carry you into your apartment. or when you let a random person you dont know bring you home and then something bad happens. or you lose your keys and you end up on somebody's couch. or when you lose both your phone and your keys when i'm out of town and you're supposed to be watching my dog. you know, all of these things that DO and HAVE happened when you drink. Things that wouldnt have happened if you werent 18 sheets to the wind every fucking night. You made me feel unsafe in my own home because of all of this. THAT is what i wanted apologies for. I wanted apologies for all of it.

You met me at that park and the only thing you could muster was "i'm so sorry" and when i asked "for what", you couldnt even come up ANY specific examples. You didnt prepare for this apology at all. I had this conversation in my head for months. I went through all of the scenarios on the things i wanted to say when you finally apologized. When i walked my dog, in that very same park, i had these conversations in my head countless times. I thought about how it would go, what i would say to you, what i thought you would say to me and my responses to that. You fell so short of my expectations and I am left just broken and disappointed. I cant imagine how you think our talk went well. you barely said "i'm sorry" and then you ranted about your scummy boyfriend for the rest of the time. I also want to note that i knew you had been drinking before our meeting. I'm also not sure that the coffee cup you were drinking from didnt have alcohol in it. I know you didnt quit. I know that day was your day off. And i know that your hands werent shaky, so you were drinking. I knew, and that's why i basically let you talk the whole time. I discovered years ago that you are not worth talking to when you're drinking. Nothing sticks, nothing stays on your brain like this, and you melt into an agreeable piece of shit that doesnt mean what she says and cannot tell the truth to save her life.

I do not accept your apology.

We are not okay.

Call me when you get sober.

Cristina

#al anon #alcoholic #breakup #substance abuse

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expfcultragreen · 1 year

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I accidentally stuck my tongue so far into my cheek that it turned into a rude gesture 🤷

Like where's the lie, they do think exactly that, i nailed their sentiments exactly and now someone thinks i share them? All like "im here to patrol whether you count as a lefty or not", not like "what did you mean by that" just like "my interpretation is x, here is your sentence". I really wanted this kid to message back so i could find out more about his ideas of community like approximately what kind of organizing he's done RL and, if any, whether it was with anyone over 25. Because like, something i find endlessly interesting about "the left" or qiltbag culture, is there are sharp generational divides in what makes someone feel unwelcome in these communities or "thrown under the bus," and ironically this way of bringing an issue to someone is patternisticaly how people younger than myself in any network ive been in, have alienated the people older than myself. So rather than responding glibly to this kid with some brush-off about like "this isnt it, learn to parse content more astutely or you'll be branded a narcissistic disruptor" i really wanted to get some dialogue going.

Like I'd tell myself to work on clarity but there's literally no accounting for how people read stuff/whether they choose to pay attention to the part of my blog description that says dont even bother reading this blog. So all i can do is clarify if/when someone brings something up. And no one ever likes that, because being asked to look at the other person's pov is just filed as gaslighting when the person with a (tone-policing, hello) criticism already doesnt trust you.

Intersectionally speaking its insane to read "wellness check survivor" and be like "anyway im here to hold you accountable for calling yourself a lefty--using my own standards which are very important and objective"

Like this is so fascinating, what is this kid THINKING, like what kind of egotrip is it exactly? Youthful inexperience?

Jsyk wellness check survivor is code for "i am so controversial the pigs nearly murdered me and they may try again" so like i am clearly madpridecore and hard acab/kcsw-wave, and if youre positioning yourself as the arbiter of who gets to be a lefty, you should probably know that bossing the-crazy-people-who-are-targeted-by-police-violence around and telling us what our words mean, is actually really unconsciously fashy and your whole ass is hanging out right about now

But apparently we cant have anything approaching a fruitful private exchange about it because what i said seems to have been ignored. Like, you could have just paid attention to any of the cues in my header and not wasted your time messaging me. The gender neutral fairy emoji alone screams "i am not going to respond to you in a way that you find productive 💚"

I can actually read and can actually apply intersectional leftism, being very old (accident) and experienced (i racked up life experience like it was my career, its gotta count for something), so when i got this message i was just like "oh he's autistic ...meaning, he didnt happen to understand my tone from how i worded it and he found what i said pointlessly inflammatory because he cant imagine the audience aside from himself and doesnt understand the intention of my words within that broad context of unknown audience,,,,,, i will simply explain myself to him and apologise for the upset, rather than going out of my way to point out what a stupid jackass he is" ...directly anyway 😏 it was my first instinct but then my reading comprehension kicked in and i saw clearly through the haze of my triggered emos that it just wouldnt be appropriate, considering the information ive been given about the person who triggered me. Is this funny to you yet? Its funny to me....

#thoughts

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lipiaknight · 2 years

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arguments / debates ive had with my bf and where they went

CW for discriptions of abuse, starvation, abelism, and general dick behavior.

this post is for @thatdemiboymess to reiterate my statement of “ive accepted im in a financially abusive situation”

money we have a hard time budgeting and saving money because bs has trauma with home insecurity, and gf’s only healthy coping mechanism is to buy things. i offered to make a budget, and then did. because the grocery budget and by proxy how much money would be going into savings was off, he got rid of the entire budget. i spent a week on it.

computer i want my own computer and own space because i have trauma around having no privacy. i worked through with him to make a savings plan, plan out what i wanted to get specifically, and how i would pay it back and when. Then, my health declined sharply. I cant work any of the jobs in the area due to a number of reasons. He claims to have forgotten and is telling me we wont be getting the computer and that ill have to cover it ymself. He before promised to cover half.

wheelchair i know i will be needing a wheelchair in the coming years for both mobility and comfort. Its something ive known since middleschool, and now that im not working outside of comissions and streaming, its harder for me to save money. All of my income is going to therapy at the moment. I tried talking to him about the possability of meeting with me half way to get a wheelchair that would fit my size, and he shot it down outright. he has a wheelchair from his dad whos was nearly 600 lbs, and taller than me. The wheelchair is nowhere near usable for me. When i mentioned that having too large of a seat could kill me (with an example) he told me that we couild pad it with pillows. When i told him about the fact that i wouldnt be able to get around on my own because its a hospital style, he asked why i would need to get around on my own if hes always around. I tried bringing up the fact that he wont always be around, such as him being at work or me using the bathroom, and he ignored it. Right now, im looking to get a $1-2k wheelchair on my own using just comission and stream money. I dont think itll be till i litterally cant walk with crutches that he will break.

litterally any spending on himself gf and i want to get him really nice boots so he will stop walking through his shoes in a month. he keeps denying it based on the idea that he walked through a nice pair of shoes in a month when he was walking to and from work every day, ignoring the fact that he now has 2 people to drive him to and from work, and the only walking he does is at work because he doesnt even really get out of the house. gf and i have decided to go behind his back and get it anyway, and i plan to get him some clothes that actually fit when i have the chance.

house repairs he hasnt been taking care of any house repairs unless they were emergant. our door doesnt shut. theres holes in the floor where the house supports have rotted away. I cant get from my bed to the bathrrom when im on my crutches because of how unstable the floor is, i have to crawl. He deems it more important to do a double house payment than to repair the floor, or insulate the pipes so they dont freeze, or replace a 50 year old stove that doesnt light half the time and that i cant cook on. gf and i get shamed for geting upset about it.

getting me basic medical equipment i need a set of knee braces, compression socks, and a back brace. he claims to have “forgotten” ive given up on getting them and have accepted that ill just be in pain.

clothes and furnature i have 1 pair of pants that fit, no summer clothes, 5 pairs of socks, and no dresser. Im consistanly shamed for not having my clothes put away despite not having a place to put them. ive been asking for a dresser and clothes that fit. ive been ignored.

food i use meal replacement shakes to suppliment my food when i cant wat or my body cant process food. When our budgeting was really bad, that was the first thing he cut out. i starved for 2 weeks. Now were on EBT. i dont feel safe drinking them as often as i need them now because im scared ill loose them.

finanical abuse when i brought up venting to my gf about how it feeels like financial abuse, bf threatened to get violent. He said so over message, and to my face repeatedly. if it werent for the voices in his head, he would have. I had a panic attack, and told him that because i have severe PTSD over being hit, and he ignored it. He continured to reiterate that he wanted to hurt me for implying that he could be abusive. i told him that a friend came up with the thought, but didnt say that i agreed. That calmed him down. I still dont feel safe.

i want out, but i dont know how to get out. I cant work, i dont have a working car, i have no money. Im stuck here.

#does this count as a vent?

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fruggo · 3 years

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Hello ! I saw the enemies fo lovers things and I wanna request if possible

“ rich coming from the guy who tried to kill me three days ago. “

With frank if you would and thank you

yessirrr i love frank sm it’s not ok. also umm i may have accidentally written friends to enemies to lovers or something idk. and though i wouldnt necessarily call you friends at the start, you werent really enemies yet???? idk🐸just ummm yeh i love frank

also help how do i not go overboard???? i feel like i made this way too long, please help and i am sorry

warnings: canon-typical violence, swearing, frank being a bastard but then you’re like awwww he’s a cute bastard aaaaw

Things were weird with Frank, and they always had been from the moment you stepped foot in the Entity’s realm. He always tunneled you relentlessly, and that made you think of him as a big asshole, but there were some strange details tacked onto the sentiment that greatly confused you, should you think about it for more than three seconds.

Sometimes, it seemed like he went easy on you in chases, like he put in no effort. He would chase you for a while, let you waste his time, and then leave without even getting a hit on you when he definitely had the ability to.

And you hated saying this, but when he handled you, it almost felt…gentle. Granted, he was a killer, and his job was to murder you, but your experiences with him did not quite line up with those of the other survivors.

They always described trials against Frank as “stepping on legos in the middle of the night” or something akin to that. You never felt like that, though—when he chased you, it felt fair. Almost as if he played nice with you. And more often than not, the killer would let you go when he caught you. The reason remained a mystery to you until quite a bit later.

This trial, Frank was in 100% bastard mode. You had begun to think of his trials as quite easy due to his seemingly calm nature around you, so you were rather caught off guard when he downed you in the first 30 seconds of the match and tossed you onto a hook, no gentleness whatsoever.

You wanted to yell at him and ask what the fuck was wrong with him until you realized this was his fucking job, and this is how he should have been treating you all along. Maybe you had just been imagining it all, but you could have sworn he used to leave you alone more than this. Something just felt different.

After you were unhooked, he went for you again. And again. And then you were dead, completely wiped out of the trial. Frank had demolished you with no remorse.

You knew it was silly to feel betrayed, but you really couldn’t help it. In such an insane and hellish place, anything that could be even remotely perceived as kindness seemed like so much more of a big deal than it truly was. So Frank’s supposed “gentleness” with you had felt somewhat like a friend doing you a selfless favor. Of course, it was not a selfless favor, and it was certainly nowhere near kindness, because he was still a killer chasing you with a knife, but your standards had really lowered in this place.

After that trial, you were back to hating Frank for tunneling and bullying you (like you probably should). You began to understand the survivors’ saying about the legos—and you hoped that Frank would step on some legos too, because he fucking sucked sometimes.

And for a while, that’s just how it was. You nearly forgot how he used to go easier on you, and how you used to do okay in his matches. Now every time you were pit against each other it just felt like you were being stuck with a bunch of pins; you never had any time to breathe or rest or do literally anything. He just went after you until you were gone, and there was next to nothing you could do about it.

Everything changed very suddenly during a trial at Ormond.

You were expecting the same old routine with this asshole—chase, blah blah blah, die. You hardly had energy to fight back anymore.

So when he arrived out of breath at the killer shack, somehow knowing you would be here, Frank was surprised to find you relaxing under the window with your arms loosely crossed, a disapproving scowl upon your countenance. It was enough to make him hesitate in his tracks.

You let out a deep breath, refusing to break eye contact with his mask; you kept up that menacing frown for as long as you could, trying to make him feel guilty (who knows if it was even possible for him to feel guilty? But it was worth a try).

“Just kill me,” you said, voice steady and seemingly unbothered. Underneath the surface, you were trembling, but you stood your ground. “That’s what you’re gonna do, isn’t it? You’re going to chase me until I’m miserable and kill me off as soon as you can?”

Frank went still, not even fidgeting with his knife like he usually did; he was intrigued by your sudden confidence.

You went on. “I’m really sick and tired of you, you know that? I’m sick of you and your bullshit. Why can’t you treat me like everybody else? At first, you went easy on me. Now you just torture me with your stupid mind games, and frankly, I’m sick of playing! I’m done with you—I don’t care anymore! Just kill me, and I’ll get out of your way, okay asshole? Mori me if you want. I don’t give a shit.”

You put your hands up exasperatedly, fully expecting him to take the offer and just send you back to the campfire right then and there. But the man sighed, pocketed his knife, and sat down right next to you as if this were a normal thing for him to do.

You scooted a few inches away out of instinct. Frank noticed, but he chose not to say a word about it.

It was a long time before he said anything, and when he finally did, you wanted to punch him so bad.

“It’s complicated,” he mumbled. And that was all.

Oh, yeah? It was complicated? You scoffed, hanging your head with a bitter smile. “Oh, okay. Sure.”

Silence again.

Awkward, suffocating silence.

And then Frank got up and left. You were unbothered for the remainder of the trial, not even a scratch or bruise on your body.

Sometimes you simply did things, and you didn’t know why. This thing that you just did was irrational, stupid, unplanned, unwise, and everything in-between, and you knew it was, but frequently you just had no impulse control. Perhaps it was the Entity’s influence, or maybe you had always been this way—you couldn’t really remember.

How did you get here again? Why were you laying on the ground? And why did your leg hurt so fucking much?

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, you remember now.

Funnily enough, it seems as though the Entity, along with certain killers, did not like it when survivors tried to enter their side of the forest! But you did it anyways, and it appeared that you had suffered the consequences. It’s not like you had put much thought into it; where was the point in that when nothing mattered anymore and you were stuck in an endless cycle of death?

You remembered entering the killer’s woods, looking around, and doing…something. What was that something? You couldn’t be sure, but then you remembered somebody coming up to you and probably definitely hurting you. Yep, your leg definitely was in a lot of pain. You couldn’t even look at it. Did you pass out for a while? Maybe. How long were you out for?

You lay still there for a while, thinking. Man, it really hurt, and boy, were you miserable. Maybe more miserable than you’d ever felt here. The Entity normally healed wounds immediately, but perhaps you had just angered it so much you deserved to suffer.

Oh, dear! You seemed to be passing out at this time. Yes, that was almost certainly what was happening. Black spots danced across your eyes as your body began to feel distant and numb, but you didn’t feel very worried about it. In fact, you felt like making jokes right now, but you had nobody to make jokes to and you probably couldn’t even speak.

Just as you began to accept it, there was a strange thumping sensation vibrating through the ground growing closer…and closer…

Footsteps! That’s good!

Oh. Not if it’s a killer. That’s not good, probably.

But you had no way of protesting when you felt yourself being picked up, because those black spots in your eyes were dancing a lot faster now, perhaps something akin to an Irish jig, and you also couldn’t feel your limbs.

Then you were fast asleep again, dreaming of Irish dancers who were actually big fluffy cloud people wearing leprechaun clothes. Nobody but you would ever know this, and it was going to stay that way.

On the bright side, it made it a lot easier for your rescuer to carry you to safety like this.

When you awoke once more, you were horrified to find yourself in the Ormond lodge of all places. You knew immediately what had happened and were determined to escape as soon as possible.

Your injured leg proved to be a huge problem, however, and you collapsed the second you attempted to find freedom. Trying again, you collapsed once more, and probably maimed yourself further in the process.

Hearing the commotion from the second floor, your least favorite member of The Legion descended down from the main stairs, refusing to look directly at you even as he scooped you up and plunked you (gently) back onto the couch, which was rather comfortable (not that you would ever tell him that).

So he was playing it cool, huh?

Okay. You could play it cool, too. You were cool. Smooth as butter.

No. You really couldn’t be cool in a situation like this, and plus, your mind was still a little woohoo since whatever accident had occurred. Suddenly you blurted out, “Frank, I hate your guts.”

And he had the audacity to laugh. He laughed at you! He did the man chuckle thing, as if what you were saying was funny. No! You were completely serious! You did hate his guts!

Perhaps your face showed how upset you were, because he started to apologize (still laughing).

“Maybe you should go back to sleep,” Frank said after calming down a bit.

No. You couldn’t go back to sleep. You did not want to experience dancing cloud people dressed as leprechauns ever again in your life, for the rest of eternity. Never again.

So you shook your head violently, refusing to give an explanation, which just provoked Frank to anger all of a sudden. If you went back to sleep, he could have some alone time while the rest of The Legion was gone. He kept pushing, and you kept resisting, and he pushed and you resisted, until finally he gave up and let you off with a warning. If you made him mad again, he was throwing you out in the snow.

Fine with me, you said. Okay, I’ll do it right now, he said. No balls, you said.

So then Frank casually went to scoop you up in his arms again, and you started to freak out and beat your hands against his chest until he put you back down. He was was awfully mindful of your hurt leg for someone who was about to throw you into the snow.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry—please don’t throw me out,” you fussed. You thought he wouldn’t actually do it. You didn’t know it, but you were right—he was just messing with you because it was funny seeing you scared.

After a bit more griping back and forth, Frank began to grow concerned about your leg. He didn’t know how to bring up the topic because things were so odd between the two of you; this was your first interaction since the brief encounter in the shack. But he swallowed his pride, because the wound seemed to be getting worse by the minute.

“Hey, do you want me to, uhh…get some supplies?” Frank asked awkwardly. When you didn’t understand, he continued, “Your leg? It looks like it hurts…I could fix it if you want.”

You barked out a laugh at his words, unbelieving of this shift in attitude. “Rich coming from the guy who tried to kill me three days ago,” you snickered, genuinely finding it amusing.

Frank took offense. He was trying to be nice for once, and you thought it was funny. And his situation really was complex, whether you chose to believe it or not. Maybe he should just tell you to get it off of his chest.

“Listen,” he said, voice laced with seriousness. “When I told you things were complicated, I meant it.”

Sensing the mood change from his tone and body language, you stopped smiling and decided to pay attention to him. Just this once. Never again. After this you could go back to hating him.

Frank continued. “The Entity was going to start…well, hurting me, if I didn’t start doing better in trials. I really didn’t want to sacrifice you, which is embarrassing to admit, but I’ll say it. And I don’t think it liked that.”

You were surprised. And also relieved that you had been right all along—he had been going easy on you at first.

“Why me, though?” you asked, confused. “Why wouldn’t you want to sacrifice me? What about the other survivors?”

If the slight tilt of his head at your question didn’t answer it for you, the way he started tapping his feet and cracking his knuckles so nervously did.

Boy, if looks could kill, you would have died instantly at the scowl Frank sent your way; you grinned pridefully at the realization that this man was down bad. You couldn’t see the expression behind his mask, though, which Frank was thankful for.

He hated every second of this, but you loved it. You reveled in his embarrassment.

Leaning forward on your hands, you begged, “Tell me more! I want to hear all about your feelings for me.”

“I could stab you right now, you know that?”

“But you won’t. You liiiiike me!”

“What are you, eight years old?”

“No, but I am severely injured and have lost a lot of blood so I am not necessarily in the right headspace at the moment.”

“You make a fair point.”

“So tell me! What’s your favorite thing about me?”

“Your ass.”

“No, really.”

“Okay, your ass and your hair.”

“You know what, Frank, I still hate your guts.”

“No, you don’t.”

You paused for a moment. It was probably the blood loss talking, you decided later, but you said, “No. Maybe I don’t.”

#:) i kinda rly like this ahaha it was fun #i hope it’s okay <3 #fruggo writes #requests #enemies to lovers prompt #frank morrison x reader #frank morrison #the legion x reader #the legion #dbd x reader #dbd oneshot #dbd writing #dead by daylight x reader #dead by daylight #dbd #dbd frank

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racketballz · 3 years

Note

Okay, so if the girls did a reality tv show just about there life’s and what they’re doing ( like the kardashains ) do you think they’ll except doing it and would it show another side of the girls the town hasn’t seen? How do you think it’ll play out..?

Oh it’d definitely be a gag situation I think itd be so funny omg honestly what a good drawing prompt but i think it’d probably be like blossom saying it’s a good idea for their public image (idk maybe there was a ppg scandal that blossom feels nervous about) to do a show bubbles would be really into it buttercup would hate it like shoves cameras out of her face and stuff. I think that filming it blossom would do something like show her school and everyday life in the most boring blossom way possible and then they producers use it and edit it to be something it’s not and shes appalled “I never said that!!!!” When it seems blossom is like making fun of teachers and students or like bubbles or something

Bubbles: how could you! 🥺

blossom: I never said that you were there behind the camera remember!

Bubbles: oh yeah 😗!

The show reads as blossom is actually cattier than she seems! “Everything nice! What a joke! Our red headed leader caught red handed being a total bitch!” How unexpected blossom totally freaks out and called the people running the show and the producers are like calm down calm down! The ratings for the show are amazing dont you worry! This is just standard television!

bubbles I think would have so much fun with it I think showing her closet off and closet off and actually I think it would be interesting if she wasn’t dating anyone? OR OR if she was dating boomer they completely just cut him out of the show even tho he’s like a huge part of what she was showing off 😭 sorry boomer PFT Sorry dating is not good for television so they tell them to break up LMAO

But I think what theyd do to her is put in a bunch of bleeps like she was cursing like ALOT LIKE EVERY SENTENCe theres a word censored and bubbles like I-I-??????? Never said that I curse sometimes…. B-but not this much ??? What 😭😭😭!! “SUGAR more like SAILOR! Bubbles the sweetest of the trio swears so much it puts them to shame! Who knew such a cute girl would curse up a storm like this!”

Buttercup is thoroughly enjoying this probably buttercup is a watcher of trash television so this is fun for her. Fortunately for her tho buttercup has the worst public image of the 3 the least curated and those 2 problems blossom and bubbles ran into WOULDNT be suprise for the public to see. (She also didn’t give them nearly enough footage to work with) so maybe they stalk her or something? and she either get caught doing something that’s completely true and out of character or something else I was thinking was maybe her being portrayed as a complete weenie who whines and cries a lot and she’s very sensitive!! Showing pictures of her crying when in reality she was wiping her eyes or something with a head line like buttercup more like BABYCUP WHAT A BABY!! The head strong of the three is gonna give herself a headache from all that crying she does! Time to put her to bed ( I don’t know I’m sorry I only know early 2000s reality tv and Love island commentary) I honestly think this doesn’t hit hard enough compared to her sisters tho

SOOOO (not to bring rrb into this I was really trying to avoid them) on their stalking escapade they find buttercup and butch are caught together often!

Buttercup watching the show: 👁👄👁 🍿🤌 (stops eating)

is buttercup actually secretly meeting up with butch jojo! Huhhh????? I thought they were enemies!? is something going on between them behind closed doors.

The rrb tuning in from their couch staring at butch 👁👄👁🍿 …..

boomer is upset because THEY SAID I HAD TO KEEP MY RELATIONSHIP SECRET WHYS HE ALLOWED TO BE IN ONE!!!

Buttercup and butch are just friends but in secret because theyve recently bonded over some hobbies they have but have to convince everyone they’re in fact not dating but no one believes them

Now you got preteens shouting at them they’re their favorite ship on the side of the road lmao

#I’m sorry this is so long

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adorable-deku · 3 years

Note

Uuuuh oooohhh that au game sounds interesting! Let's see Depravity and purple!

depravity is a very good word but it also means that ur getting an edgy au congratulations (do i make other kinds????)

alright, in this au, afo is a demon lord who can steal the magic of not only fellow demons but also humans, which is how he ends up becoming the demon lord

he is infamous for having loyal necromancers who resurrect all his enemies in the most horrendous forms and, worst of all, make them completely loyal to him. thoughtless on their own

izuku, of course, is the demon prince

what u thought this wasnt a dfo au? jokes on u thats the only thing im good at

inko is a human, so izuku is half demon half human and a lot of demons dont like him too much for it. hes running away one day (from demons who dont know his identity only that hes got human blood) and ends up meeting one of the humans' knights

its all might, of course. he has no idea that izuku is the demon lord's son, only that hes human (he is not visibly a demon, but he can transform. like pull out out horns, a tail, some scales, glowing eyes and whatnot) and deserves some love. izuku is not injured, just exhausted. he has the same powers as his father but to a lesser degree. all might also doesnt know that, and izuku has no problem keeping it to himself

hes not a bad kid, but the teachings of the demon kingdom have been soaking into him since he was young

so hes essentially raised-ish (hes nearly an adult, but looks younger than he is) by all might while shimura tenko, 100% human, is being raised by the demon lord in secret

while izuku was being raised by afo, he wasnt sheltered at all, he knew what his father did and how he did it. but it was exposure to humans that taught him how wrong it was

izuku doesnt have the visceral horror towards his fathers deeds that people around him have, but he does care about how they feel, so he doesnt like seeing them upset, so by association he becomes disgusted by his father

people tend to like izuku bc hes charming and very sensitive to how ppl feel, but occasionally hes so ruthless it seems out of character. it isnt out if character at all, izuku tends to draw very strong lines between People He Likes and Everybody Else

he would never hurt the people he likes, but he doesnt have the same compunction for the rest of the world. hes p overprotective over the people he likes, almost going overboard, but he tends to try to avoid doing things they dislike

its kind of important to keep in mind that izukus morals are found mostly in his relationships to the ppl around him. he dislikes the things that make the ppl he liked upset, but if that wasnt a person he liked, he probably wouldnt care.

this is key because when nobodys around and there wont be any witnesses, izuku has very few morals at all. he wont do things that make the ppl around him upset, but what they dont know wont hurt them

he wants his friends, the human knights, to win against his father, so he does not hesitate to wipe out whole groups of demons to accomplish this goal.

remember, he has his fathers power

the humans are surprised by how much easier the war seems to be all of a sudden. as izuku kills his way through, he gets stronger by stealing the magic of the demons he kills.

eventually they get to the demon lords castle

all might and the demon lord fights. the demon lord almost wins when he sees his son. hes actually a pretty loving father by demon standards which in human standards is like. a really terrible father

demons tend to have children then leave them to fend for themselves, but the demon lord raised his son for years and years. even without the human blood, most demons think that izuku is a spoiled rotten prince

you cant say that the demon lord really cared for izuku, but he ensured that he was fed, clothed, sheltered, and taught him how to fight. most people would see this teaching how to fight as abuse, and they would probably be right because it started very young, when izuku didnt even know what a fight was

anyway all might is on the ground and the demon lord is standing over him. he sees his son. understands where izuku has been all this time. hes glad izukus not dead but also realizes that izuku is no longer on his side

izuku kills the demon lord, but its pretty clear to anyone watching that the demon lord doesnt put up much of a fight.

you see. the demon lord position is passed on when the demon lord dies, to the next strongest demon. guess who that is

its izuku, of course. nobody on the human side knew until that point that he was a demon at all. he only transformed in front of other demons, who knew and assumed everyone else knew as well. he also pretty much left no witnesses who had seen the demon features

izuku midoriya becomes the demon king, and now has to convince the demon kingdom to no longer be at war with the human kingdom while also dealing with incredible distrust from the people he was very close to before

all might, especially, is suspicious

#bnha #midoriya izuku #deku #boku no hero academia #mha #my hero academia #bnha au #dfo #dad for one

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antiloreolympus · 3 years

Text

11 Anti LO Asks

1. I feel like RS shits on Artemis when I feel like she isn’t bad as everyone makes to be. When she meets persphone, her look on the pink goddess was she’s never had a chance to bend the rules or even live a little. She takes her to a party, let’s her meet her brother and their friend, normal stuff. She didn’t have mind powers to know what Apollo did, and she did try to apologize for upsetting persphone with a cake. I wouldn’t say the two are besties but she did try to help persphone best she could. And now Artemis is used to excuse Persphones genocide crime.

2. Took them long enough to make Artemis' body like every other woman in the latest free episode wow such diversity 🙄

3. Hear me out, Apollo takes Daphnes hibernation to frame persphone as more of a nymph turning people into plants. We now have the whole cast know that’s what she’s capable of and unable to fix. Idk I just feel like persphone isn’t gonna face any consequence “oh community service gee golly sounds like fun” really deflated me since ya know persphone not only kill mortals but turned a nymph into a plant.

Hades said this was his domain to deal with yet he’s not gonna help out his ex gf who he witnessed turned into a plant after he wasted her time using her as a place holder. RS is afraid to give persphone any form of growth.

4. i mean, i wouldnt pay upwards to nearly 50 dollars for a book version of something i could read for free on my phone in the format it was made for either.

5. what i dont get is if rachel wants the endgame to be kids then why is adoption not an option? its not even brought up, there is only focus on biological kids. more so, and i HATE the fandom does this bc rachel is so easily swayed by them, but its always boys too? the only kids hades seems to have in myth (excluding the orphic ones) is either the furies (which cant happen in LO) or makaria, so daughters, but it seems the fandom and rachel care more to follow the male heir trope for some reason :/

6. im just sad she had such a unique style but now its just gone. even her sketches on twitter, so we know its her doing it instead of a team, just lack that charm and style it once had. i just dont get how she lost that unique edge so fast. the majority of LO is in this current style too while her original one, which is what made it popular, was only in the first 20ish episodes.

7. It doesn't make sense that Artemis n Apollo got to morder a buncha people without a pass and didn't get send to court but the only reason it doesn't make sense is because RS decided 'lol scene's looking like shit for perse, time to pull out another greek myth that makes everyone else look bad lololol' (also why isn't perse defending Artemis if she lovse all her frieinds so much? Like PLEASE RS STICK TO SMTH)

8. Where can we go to read the bonus chapter?

From OP: Currently, there’s not a way to read it online from what I’ve seen.

9. I don;t get how when the villagers murder perse's friends, they get killed, but when perse kills, she gets community service???

From OP: That’s because nymphs are more valued than humans. It’s kind of weird because in LO, nymphs are lower class and aren’t really treated with respect either. They’re like slightly above mortals in terms of importance.

10. if we reach episode 200 of LO and they're still not a couple i might actually lose it. true beauty and lets play are both dragged out too but even they both have more romance going on than dragging it out this much.

-----FP Spoilers/Mention-----

11. FP TALK: So i had to catch myself up with the past episode of this and… my god i just remembered why the HELL I dropped it. So basically Hades found out from eavesdropping and then Persephone was technically FORCED to talk about it while Hades kept PUSHING IT!!! Only for him to become that pissed off and for Persephone to stop him from that form!? Bitch I would’ve told him that he’s overstepping boundaries. And for him to say “what doesn’t kill you make you stronger” to her??? B r u h, that turama doesn’t make you stronger, it hurts and it stays with you no matter what. Yes you can heal from it but yet Persephone is still healing, only for her to keep. Wing forced to talk about it??? That’s horrible and not what she would need to hear. Also why the hell do I sense a Apollo redemption?? I hate where this is going. Why did I pick this up again??😓

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #lore olympus critical #lo critical

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angelicmichael · 3 years

Text

Imminient Annihilation sounds so dope - Chapter Ten

Michael Langdon X Reader

Summary: Reader and Michael continue to work through their issues and finally start to warm up to each other even further.

Words: 5.9k+ …oops

Warnings: just normal IA warnings (swear words, manipulation, unhealthy relationships, enemies to lovers, slowburn, etc) anddd maybeee a bit of fluff 👁

A/N: hey guys! Sorry I haven’t updated this in a few months but hopefully this is satisfactory hehe. This chapter is kinda a turning point in the fic so I hope u guys like it!! Also I watched Jennifer’s Body as I finished this so.. do what u must w that information 😌 djdjd

Previous Chapter

Rain was never something you were accustomed too. Spending so much time in Los Angeles had made you partially spoiled when it came to the weather - which is why you knew immediately your day was going to be shit when you woke up to rain.

You tried to convince yourself that the emotions you were feeling weren’t complete disdain but rather just a pessimistic version of indifference.. or that’s what you hoped anyway.

You knew realistically that your day wasn’t already doomed before it even started; and that the rain was nothing more than a mere inconvenience.. However; you still felt justified in complaining, considering today was the day you were ripping the band-aide off and moving in to the apartment Michael had oh so graciously chosen to give you.

Your pessimistic mood surrounding the entire situation was inevitable, and that was something you didn’t even bother to resist or fight. It didn’t take long for your thoughts to quickly go south as you quickly packed. Hatred that seemingly came out of nowhere (but that you realistically knew was only temporarily dormant) wasted no time in blinding your judgement - making you feel a nearly nauseating amount of jealousy and anger for people who actually seemed to be fucking happy in their relationships and werent forced into.. whatever shitty living situation you knew you were bound to find yourself in.

An apartment with no strings attached was way too fucking simple, and you knew it was too good to be true. You knew you were basically walking into a trap, and for what reason were you doing that so willingly? Just so that maybe Michael could start to tolerate you? You resented yourself for even agreeing to this but you also understood you really had no other option.

However; personal feelings aside.. you still had a mission to accomplish. You still had to attempt to seduce Michael, and even though you were doing a shit job at that so far - you still had to try. You knew realistically it was only a matter of time before Cordelia would ask about the progress you've made, and you would have to tell her something.

You had to do this.

That's why you were (semi) blindly choosing to move in to a building you knew you absoluetly couldnt afford; and why you were sucking up your pride and choosing to become semi reliant on Michael.

No one from the coven knew, and for the time being you intended to keep it that way. After all, even though Mallory didnt exactly know that Michael gave you a whole ass fucking apartment - your sure she probably suspected that something important happened between you and Michael just from the short conversation you three harbored together. But for the time being, you didnt have to worry about that. You had bigger things that were on your mind.. like the actual apartment door itself that you currently stood in front of.

You held the keys limply in your hand, your bag slumped next to you as you procrastinated something as fucking simple as opening a door. How pathetic.

You continued to stall in the hallway regardless - thankful there was no one passing through to witness how ridiculous you looked. Your gaze fell south down to your keys which were cold in your hand. Dripping slowly with the subtle rainwater that managed to linger on them, along with the rest of your clothes.

Your skin stung from the cold that seemed stubborn to leave, and a nice change of clothes and a hot shower wouldnt be the absolute worst thing in the world..

Fuck.

You bit your lip in order to prevent letting the profanity from rolling off your tongue. Quickly getting a better grip on the keys (which only made you somehow colder) and numbly, hastily unlocking the door.

You pushed it open, letting the door hit the wall and taking a few steps inside before dropping your bag to the floor.. as well as your jaw.

No words could possibly convey how you felt as you noticed how the room was already illuminated with not only natural light from the already huge windows you could see.. but also with a warm, yellow artificial glow.

Was someone already here?

What the fuck?

The hatred and resentment you previously felt toward others earlier rapidly started to return - except this time it was targeted at one very specific person.

It didnt even register in your mind that the light could've been left on by accident or that people besides Michael actually existed that could be present in the room but.. you didnt care. Anger was the only emotion that was solely present in your body as you fully abandoned your bag by the door. Advancing forward; and only feeling more shock and disbelief with every step you took at the thought that he could very possibly be in (what was supposed to be) your space.

"Michael, I swear to God-"

"Y/n?” said a soft, feminine voice.

It was practically automatic how you froze. Just getting close enough to notice that it wasn’t Michael after all that was on your bed in your new studio apartment, but a woman sat on your bed instead.

For about two seconds, you were scared it was Madison but.. that was a stupid assumption within itself. The company you were with was from a far different nature than of which Madison was, even though at first glance the two woman might look or sound similar. There were so many qualities that distinguished Mallory from Madison. Brown, auburn hair.. dark eyeshadow.. and her classic black boots. It didn’t take long for your anger to fade away as you tried to not think about how logically this still didn’t make sense - walking closer to your bed anyway.

"How did you get in here? And since when did you ever break into peoples rooms?" You asked with a laugh.

Mallory echoed your laugh back, seemingly watching you and your behavior. As if she was expecting you to do something or to act a certain way.. like perhaps leave.

"I didnt break into your apartment but.. you should probably sit down." She spoke, before nodding off to her side. Nonverbally suggesting you to sit next to her.

You did as you were told. Noticing briefly before you sat down how nice the apartment actually was.. including the bed.

The walls, and most of everything in the apartment was a solid black. It looked sleek, and even though black paint made most rooms look small - the natural light helped keep things looking open which you appreciated. It was no surprise that the bed matched the dark theme too. The sheets were silky, black satin. You almost laughed at how comfortable the bed was once you sat next to Mallory, the entire situation was so ridiculous it nearly hurt for you to not laugh out loud. The two of you sat in the silence for a moment.. you were each incredibly anxious, that was more than apparent.

You looked up at Mallory, expecting her to speak first and explain herself since after all.. shes the one who broke into your apartment but she still remained quiet.. Stalling, you could only guess.

"So, why are you here? How did you even get in here? Is everything okay?" You asked, your words speedy and rushed.

Panic started to temporarily set in when you realized that something could be serisouly wrong with the coven, even though you knew how completly irrational it was to think that way with no evidence. What if witch hunters found them? What if someone preformed the seven wonders and it went wrong? What if the plan had suddenly changed with Michael?

Mallory seemed to pick on how anxious you suddenly were, putting a hand on your upper arm before making you meet her gaze. Her soft, hazel brown eyes immeadietly making your breathe slow. That was another reason you were so thankful for Mallory - the soothing, calming effect she seemed to have on everyone she met was something you never took for granted.. Espically now.

"Hey, nothing's wrong and nothing happened. I promise. I just wanted to see you and talk to you, and I figured we should catch up after Michael basically made me leave," Mallory explained.

You quickly nodded. Feeling guilt start to creep into your system once you remembered how Michael previously treated her.

"Yeah, youre right. I've been wanting to see you anyway and I'm sorry I didnt just call you last night or something.. and I know I cant control him but I'm still sorry for how Michael treated you. I shouldn't have brought you into that-"

"(Y/n), stop," Mallory said urgently. Shaking her head slightly in disagreement with your words. "Sure, Michael was acting like a dick but.. it's nothing I'm not exactly accustomed too. It was harmless," she ended her words with a smile. One that was meant to comfort you both at the epiphany her words brought.

You sat with her words for a moment. The realization suddenly hitting you like a truck-

"Wait.. what? Do you know Michael?"

Mallory fell completely silent. Looking at you almost in a.. guilty manner. Her gaze fell downwards before she looked up to meet yours once more, licking her lips anxiously before she uttered out a quiet reply.

"I wasnt going to tell you because I knew it would make you upset but.. Michael called me last night-"

"And you answered?" Your voice raised up a few octaves unwillingly. Threatening to break as you tried to process what you were hearing.

As much as you wanted to immeadietly jump to conclusions, you had to remind yourself that this was Mallory you were talking too. Your best friend, Mallory. You knew she would never do anything to intentionally hurt you.

You noticed Mallory was also starting to get tense. Her spine suddenly a bit too straight and her shoulders were rigid. It was nice to know you werent the only person in this situation who was feeling this way, although you would be lying if you were to say that you werent curious for why Mallory felt tense.

"At first, no but he kept calling so I figured it would cause no harm to see what he wanted so, I answered," Mallory said cautiously.

It was obvious she had more to say and as much as you wanted her to keep talking and fully explain herself - you were more than happy that you didnt have to cut her off again. It was too much. This was too much.

You pinched the bridge of your nose before loudly exhaling with a shallow growl. Not really caring that it probably was coming off like you were mad at Mallory when in reality, that wasn’t the case. Mallory wasn’t the problem; you were really just beyond fucking pissed at Michael.

But at this point.. that wasnt new news.

"I told him that we shouldnt be talking, but he insisted," Mallory continued with a shrug.

You tried to sit up straight again; trying to exhale some of the pure fucking anger that was currently coursing through your system. Your vision was spotted black when you opened your eyes - your gaze pointed upwards at the smooth, blank ceiling. Quickly wishing that you were anywhere else, or really anyone else at the moment.

What you wouldnt kill to swap bodies again.. but then again, who knows what the hell Michael was currently doing at the moment.. He couldnt be trusted.

That was more than obvious now.

You should've known that he would contact Mallory, but how he even got her number was beyond you.. Unless-

"How did he even get your number?" You asked. Your tone strikingly calm.

Mallory looked incredibly spooked when your head suddenly snapped over to look at her. As if she was worried you were angry at her still, and as much as you wanted to reassure her otherwise, you really didnt have the energy to do so anymore. Not at the moment anyway.

"You can't be mad when I tell you the answer, okay?" She said softly.

Your features immeadietly softened at her words. The rest of your body relaxed as well; your shoulders dropping and your jaw unclenching.

"Mallory, I could never be mad at you. You could never piss me off, i'm just.. frustrated at Michael. It's not at you, I swear," you said. Trying your best to make your words sound reassuring and genuine.

Mallorys reaction wasnt one that was verbal but immeadite nonetheless. Her arms suddenly shot out and wrapped themselves around you. Her body temporarily pressing into yours as your hands went to her back, before she quickly broke the hug.

"Promise?" Mallory prompted. Brown eyes looking diligently into yours.

"Yeah.. I promise. Just tell me what that idiot did,” you said halfheartedly.

"So.. I've had his number for a while. Not for too long but just since you two switched. But, we never really talked," Her voice stalled as she watched your reaction. Your mouth grew dry as you really tried to let it sink in that they've known eachother since- well for atleast a week. "But I knew immeadietly that it wasnt you.. that day. I'm sorry I lied, but Michael made me promise."

"Why didnt you just tell me?"

Mallory looked at you in a guilty manner. Her lips pursing shut as she looked solemnly at her shoes, avoiding eye contact. You knew exactly why she was being quiet - she didnt want to admit why she had lied but.. the answer was pretty obvious.

Even though Mallory was one of the strongest witches - almost stronger than Cordelia on some days, she still was scared of Michael and that was nothing worth holding a grudge over. After all he was still the antichrist, no matter how (mostly) harmless and idiotic he seemed to you now.

"Okay.. I guess that doesnt really matter," you admitted with a laugh. Figeting with your hands as you heard a shallow laugh omit also from Mallory, which made you smile. The shallow pit that resided in your stomach finally starting to let up. "But.. What did he call you about last night?"

Mallory hesitated again before giving you another subtle smile.

"It was mostly about you.. I know how you feel about him y/n, but its working. I promise you. Hes finally warming up to you. I just wish you could hear how he talks about you,” she spoke. Taking your hands into her soft, warm ones.

"I wish I believed that," You admitted.

"I wouldnt lie to you. Hes finally starting to warm up to you, plus it was obvious yesterday-"

"Yeah; It was obvious how strong he was coming onto you."

Mallory laughed again at your words. Shaking her head slightly in protest.

“Y/n you know that’s not true. The only reason why he was flirting with me was just to get to you.. I thought that was obvious.”

“It was obvious I just.. didn’t know that you knew that. I mean, Michael has Madison.. or he did so you think that would at least satisfy his flirting needs for a bit but.. Michael faking to be interested in you, that would mean he wanted a reaction out of me on purpose? Why would he-“

“You know why. You need to start cutting yourself slack and realize that maybee this rivalry is starting to be one sided.”

You pouted at her words at the realization that they actually held more truth in them than you were willing to admit. If Michael didn’t hate you anymore, if he was truly actually willing to be civil.. then why were you still so upset? Were you the one who was unintentionally causing problems now? Was it now you instead of Michael that was holding the relationship back?

How fucking stupid.

“I can’t trust him, Mallory. How can I when he and Madison literally tried to kill me. I can never forget that they did that to me.”

“I’m not asking you to forget what he did, y/n. I’m just saying that maybe it wouldn’t hurt to start having an open mind around him, and see where it gets you.”

You were struck silent, knowing that Mallory was completely right. If you wanted to have any hope at all of making things right with Michael (even though you really didn’t do anything wrong..) you would have to try a different approach because obviously; what you were doing now wasn’t working. Being snarky, and vaguely threatening him every chance you got was fun of course but- it wasn’t working. Even though Mallory was probably the sweetest person you knew, the fact your own best friend had to (very politely) make a intervention was.. not a good sign. Although, you knew Mallory was doing this for your best interest because if she didn’t say anything, then Cordelia certainly would.

And sadly, Mallory was actually right.

If you wanted things with Michael to advance any further; or to advance at all you needed to step things up but, you could always worry about that after Mallory left.

“So what, are you guys besties now or something?” You sneered.

“Shut up!” Mallory said with a laugh, playfully pushing you over a bit. “He’s barely even my acquaintance. The only reason he’s being nice to me is just to get to you, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I mean that’s the goal-“

“Do you think that’s the only reason?” You interrupted.

Your throat automatically tightened after you spoke, the threat of your words potentially being true coaxing you to silence. Your not sure why the thought of Michael using you made you upset.. it’s not as if you didn’t think he was doing it before but this time it was different. Perhaps it was because you finally thought Michael actually had some type of interest in you.. and to have that suddenly ripped away?

That would leave you beyond broken.. you knew that for certain.

Mallory looked at you solemnly, as if she was already resenting her words before she had to say them outloud.

“Look, I don’t exactly know Michaels intentions and I’m not going to pretend too.. I don’t really think anyone does at this point but I do know that regardless of your feelings, or even his feelings that.. you have to try.”

You let out a loud exhale.

“I mean you said it yourself.. Michaels so unpredictable, there’s no point in guessing how he feels so.. maybe I should just.. ask him?”

Realistically you didn’t know how good of a idea that was- but.. trying to remain realistic was something you gave up on days ago. Pretty much the same day you switched and that definitely wasn’t a coincidence by any means.

As soon as Mallorys mouth opened, you heard three loud knocks. Quick and rapid with no hesitation between them. The apartment nearly shook with the force of whoever happened to be at your door, and you certainly didn’t doubt that your neighbors heard the knocking as well.

Mallory looked at you in utter confusion, but stayed on the bed nonetheless with no sign of getting up. Naturally, you found yourself scooting closer to the end of the bed, knowing it was you who was going to have to get the door.. and that made you scared shitless. Not because you were necessarily scared to open the door but because you had a horribly bad feeling on who was on the other side.. There was only one person that you knew of that was aware of where you lived, and you knew it wasn’t matience or staff.

You knew standing up was the logical thing to do but you still stalled. Hands starting to painfully dig into the soft, expensive sheets that lie underneath you. You mouthed a silent, ‘what the fuck?’ to Mallory but your head snapped back at the door..

Three more knocks which were only louder and more persistent than the last.

“Coming!” You quickly called out.

It was pure anxiety that fueled your next actions. You quickly stood up from the bed, trying to walk hurriedly to the door as fast as you could and trying your damn best not to think.. Hoping Mallory also had a idea of who was at the door and also happened to get the fuck out of view.

You didn’t want a repeat of yesterday happening again today, and you knew you wouldn’t hesitate to slap Michael if he tried to flirt with her again. Even though, you knew you weren’t supposed to act like that anymore.. but why should you have manners if Michael refused them as well?

Opening the door swiftly and without a second thought; you stood breathless as you saw a familiar blonde standing in front of you.

You both stared at each other at first - each not daring to have the balls to say ‘hello’ or anything else for that matter.. You noticed how Michael first eyed you up, fully looking up and down your body (as well as peering behind you, hopefully not making eye contact with Mallory). You made a point to just look into Michaels eyes, refusing to do what he was doing.. whatever the fuck that truly was.

“How did you know I would be here?” You breathed.

“I knew it was just a matter of time before you’d come, but it also never hurt to charm the hotel staff a bit,” Michael responded swiftly without a second beat, almost as if he anticipated your words. His lips upturned slightly at the edges, in a way that nearly made your stomach sick.

“The hotel staff-?!”

“I have connections everywhere y/n, I thought you knew that,” he sneered.

He brushed past you as you continued to stand in shock. Your mouth slightly falling open as Michael took a few steps into your apartment - looking curiously around, almost as if he knew Mallory was here..

“I did.. I think that’s obvious,” you shot back hurriedly. “But thank you for the apartment again, Michael. I still feel weird taking it but it is nice I’ll admit,” you continued. Hoping to make him turn around to look back at you and hopefully not find Mallory.. Which worked. At least for a few seconds at least.

Michael made direct eye contact with you for a moment, almost as if he wanted to speak but was deliberately choosing not too. Instead he turned around, walking in deeper in the apartment.

Your mouth immediately dropped open - your feet carried yourself forward as you started to feel a bit numb with shock- not knowing even in the slightest how you were going to handle the situation if Mallory didn’t fucking move.

Sure enough..

“You always manage to linger.. don’t you?” Michael spoke.

It took only a couple steps for you to fully realize he wasn’t speaking to you. You only saw his backside as you approached them. Quickly meeting Mallorys gaze as you came into view.. Her brown eyes darker than ever as she peered up at you.

This time it is nearly impossible to distinguish whether she looked in agony from Michaels appearance or yours; since you apparently interrupted them. Her gaze quickly returned back to meet Michaels before you could think anything of it.

“I’m not here to see you, Michael.” Mallory announced. Her tone harsher than what you were expecting what apparent friends would use.. Were they even really friends?

Mallory suddenly stood up while Michael was still standing a few feet in front of her. Making eye contact with Michael for a split second before almost ducking around him before she stood in front of you.. leaving Michael speechless behind her. She quickly hugged you, her arms only embracing you for a split second before leaving. It was obvious she was in a hurry to leave now but.. you weren’t sure exactly why.

“I should get going, you and Michael have a lot to talk about,” she subtly smiled before turning to leave.. not letting you reply or have any sort of reaction to her words.

You stood solemnly as you heard Mallory’s footsteps gradually go farther away, before hearing the door open and close. You watched Michaels back as he refused to turn around.

“How was your nice chat with Mallory?”

“Why are you asking? Am I not allowed to see her or something?” You bit back. Your words possibly twice as venomous as his were.

Michael hastily turned around, looking at you with utter disbelief. His blue eyes looking into yours, as if he was suddenly surprised by your tone and how you were acting - as if his behavior didn’t proceeded yours.

“You need to relax,” he snapped. He approached you until he was right in front of you. “I wasn’t asking because I’m trying to control you, I know that’s what your thinking,” His words fell soft until they were nearly inaudible. “I just wanted to ask what she talked to you about.”

“About us?” You prompted.

“Well what else would she be talking to you about,” he snickered. His words spoken as more of a statement than a question. His laughter quickly dwindled off after he saw how rigid your frame suddenly looked. “Kidding. For the most part.. she said she was going to talk to you, and I figured I should actually speak to you this time rather than her.”

“Are you.. actually trying to trust me, Michael Langdon?” You teased. A smile, as well as laughter escaped from your lips at the mere thought.

Even though the thought was amusing on its own, you still didn’t completely trust him. Even now when he had Mallorys trust (for the most part), you still didn’t doubt that he had a ulterior motive.

Michael finally stepped back, hesitantly breaking eye contact before inaudibly beckoning you to follow him.

“I’m trying, just like how I told you I would,” He hauntingly reminded you.

You followed him silently to the long leather couch that sat by the overly expansive windows. Sitting down next to him in a way that felt almost too casual.. but being casual around Michael and not borderline fearing for your life was something you would have to adjust too.

You noticed how he instantly slipped his shoes off; drawing up his feet on the couch.. his arms and as well the rest of him contained. Away from you.

“So if your trying.. now,” you suggested uncertainly. “Then.. tell me why you came here to talk suddenly again? I mean why not just go through Mallory again like you’ve doing previously?”

“(Y/n), please. Take me seriously and just trust me for once,” His words came out quick and stern as he spoke them. “I was being serious yesterday, as well as all the other times when I told you I wanted to start.. putting effort in and trying.”

You stared at Michael utterly dumbfounded.. Feeling a bit hopeless that you actually felt almost.. touched by his words. That’s if he was actually being serious, anyway.

“What does trying mean to you?” You asked carefully. Your mind naturally went back to Madison.. were they even broken up yet? Was that even something that Michael was willing to do for you, and how was that something you could just ask? “What about-“

“Madison’s fine. She’s fine.. with everything,” he replied hesitantly.

You simply ignored the fact that he seemed to pick up what you were talking about almost immeadietly.. focusing on rather the latter part of the sentence.. that she was okay with everything?

“So she knows? That you’re here?”

“Yeah. She knows but that’s besides the point. Madison isn’t a part of the equation anymore, I don’t want to talk about her,” He spoke as if his words were final and not to be argued with, but his tone wasn’t angry. He was just done.. and you were too.

You wish that wasn’t the case though. Cutting Madison off didn’t sit right with you in the slightest, and it would definitely have to be something that would have to be mended later. That was a given.

Madison and Michaels relationship was far too close for them to suddenly split and remain like that forever - it was temporary, but so is everything really. That shouldn’t phase you but - it still managed too.

“Okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t-“ you started.

“It’s fine. I knew you would ask.. She’s the reason why I’m here actually,” His eyes broke contact and averted down to his hands. “I don’t mean that as in I’m not here to see you but, it was something she said that brought me here.” He continued, his voice almost growing soft now at just the mention of his ex girlfriend.. and now, you felt like you actually were starting to understand his point of view. Not fully but, it was clear that Michael was trying to be more open with you, and this time he wasn’t ‘fake’ drunk.

It took nearly everything in you to not immeadietly retort but just like the night where you were at the party; you tried to fully hear him out since this was apparently one of the few times he was being civil.

“So Madison gave you advice and you actually took it?” You said while laughing softly. Trying to lighten the mood since Michael seemed to be brooding.

Michael didn’t laugh back but instead his gaze flickered up to meet yours for a moment. The corners of his mouth upturning in a shallow smile that only lasted for a few seconds.

“I did because it made sense.” He said, his tone still remaining serious. You noticed how careful he was being with his words.. something that was typical for Michael to do but this time it seemed a bit too deliberate. You wanted to ask what exactly Madison even told him to do but.. that felt wrong. “It was also the right thing to do.. Being close to you is something I should’ve done a while ago, probably immeadietly-“

“But what’s in the past; stays in the past. And since your so adamant about being close to me.. we can always try now,” you cut in.

Michael continued to sit a good distance away from you; you thought it was ironic how he could talk about wanting to get close with you but wouldn’t dare to move any closer. That thought made your pride a little bit too happy.

Right before he could open his mouth to say something; his phone rang. The sound suddenly earsplitting and blaring but Michael didn’t bother to flinch. Instead he stood up and answered his phone.. making sure to nearly trek across the apartment before he said anything into the phone.

You stretched and casually examined him as he talked, you had a feeling who it was on the line..

After how tense things were with Mallory - you knew they probably weren’t going to be on friendly terms anytime soon.. especially in front of you. And judging by how.. oddly relaxed he seemed (yet timid when he caught your gaze and realized you were staring), it had to be one person.

You were about to sink back into the couch and try your best to not speculate what they were talking about, but before you could fully turn - you realized Michael was sauntering towards you.. clearly still on the phone.

Oh fuck.

Before you could ask what was wrong, the look he gave you alone ushered you to silence.

He quickly held the phone away from his ear. A quick glance at the screen confirmed that the call was still active.

“You said you forgive Madison.. right?” He spoke lowly. His words barely audible, more so mouthing the words than actually speaking them.

You looked at him with a expression you’re sure looked as if you were furious but you were really just completely confused. You wanted to ask but.. there was no time if she was on the phone, but knowing what you were about to get yourself into would also be nice to know.

His eyes had since lost the sharpness that had nearly cut you earlier, instead swarming with urgency and a bit of panic.. It had to be Madison. The only person that could ever have that effect on Michael was Madison.

You simply nodded in response. Not trusting yourself to speak quietly outloud but you also didn’t exactly trust your response because it wasn’t exactly truthful, but Michael seemed to be level headed.. for now.

Michael immeadietly turned and held the phone back up to his ear, this time staying in closer proximity and within ear shot. Putting on his shoes as he continued to hold the conversation he was having.

“Okay

...

So when are you coming?

...

Great, see you then. . . Bye.”

If you didn’t just hear the words that you thought you had heard.. you knew under normal circumstances your heart would’ve ached when you realized how Michael hesitated before he said goodbye, most likely catching himself before he said ‘I love you’. Instead though, you felt a gruesome wave of nausea suddenly rise through you.. urging you to shakily stand up and speak without thinking.

“She’s coming to see you?”

Michael barely gave you a second glance as he turned around and started to head for the front door of the apartment.

“Yes. You’ll be seeing her too, don’t worry.” He spoke before he quickly let the door shut behind him.

You continued to stand, utterly speechless.

Part of you wanted to run after him and the other part merely wanted to scream in anger that he had already made fucking plans but instead you felt numb. Numb and calm.

You returned to your bag and unpacked, trying your best to not let your emotions consume you like they previously had too many times.. until you finally broke down and called Mallory.

Taglist: @michaellangdonstanaccount @langdonsexual @jimmason @blakescoven @dark-mei-rose @9layerdevilfoodcake @prophecy-is-inevitable @matildaofoz @beautyiswithinchaos @frenchlangdon @king-with-no-crovvn @melodylangdon @littledemondani @langdons-pinkyring @celestialrequiem @sojournmichael @mindlesschicca

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#michael x reader #Michael Langdon x reader #michael langdon fanfic #michael langdon fanfiction #Michael Langdon #my fic #Imminient Annihilation #hopefully y’all like this and it’s not all over the place djdjd #about to post to ao3 like always #ALSO thank u for the 2k hits on ao3!! 🥺💖#also side note - Jennifer’s body was amazing and now I wanna write something related 😭

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cummingforkylo · 2 years

Note

Hey man why are you being so mean to yourself saying things like "shut the fuck up" when you're talking about extremely traumatic things. Like bro you immediately apologize for your mom and excuse her over and over and over for treating you like absolute dog shit.

I'm sorry I literally don't give a fuck what her problem was at the time, she BRUTALLY, and I mean **BRUTALLY** abused you. None of that is okay. It's really interesting to me that you make sure the person reading that post knows your mom is like, totally okay now. Who, exactly, are you trying to convince? Us? Or yourself?

Additionally, have you ever gotten therapy? Like. You are blaming yourself, telling yourself how stupid you are, how you can't do xyz, telling yourself shut the fuck up... Bro you're literally suffering from trauma. I'd bet my life savings you have PTSD, if you haven't already been diagnosed. The fact that you couch this extremely horrific tale in "is it abuse?" makes me believe you've never talked about it been validated by this experience ever in your life, or if you have, it's not been often.

(I'd be willing to bet, also, that you're not actually bad at math. I bet, in fact, you're perfectly capable of it. But all of those circumstances surrounding math make it difficult for your brain to parse those signals. It has nothing to do with your capabilities.)

If you haven't talked to someone like a trauma therapist, I'd seriously consider it. A lot of people go through a lot of their lives thinking they have persistent depression and severe anxiety which like, sure, but the root is trauma. Might help to get that looked at.

I'm so sorry you went through those things as a child. It wasn't your fault, and you deserve love and compassion now, especially from yourself.

I’ve gone to therapy and talked about my mom some but i think a lot of it I didnt talk about specifically because i found myself like…constantly defending her to my therapist instead of just talking and it’s probably not because i want to excuse what she did. After years of blaming myself(even more than I already do?) i finally in the last like five years have been able to admit that it was her being abusive and not me being a difficult child. It took my brothers looking at me once and being like, “no, there was a period of our childhood that was straight up…bad.” for me to even recognize that all these times in my memory werent just like…me being a bratty kid and my mom dealing with me. And I think why whenever i talk about that stuff i have to like convince people she’s good now is because i’ve watched her change and i love her and have forgiven her for some of that stuff because i want to have a good relationship with her, and I do. But unfortunately in forgiving her i havent done nearly enough work to heal any of my shit about it.

I’m also constantly scared that even though what I talk about are literally just the memories I have that I have somehow exaggerated everything in my mind and i’m just bullshitting this. Like I KNOW these things happened, i have literal memories of it but even as I write them out I feel like I MUST be exaggerating because i’ve never talked specifics with my brothers and neither of them had it as bad as me.

I wouldnt be surprised if I have PTSD but i’ve never talked to a trauma therapist. My last therapist ghosted me so i’ve been very apprehensive to actually find someone again but you’re probably right. Talking to someone would probably help a lot of things.

It’s difficult, all of it, because I hate what happened to me and I’m upset about how challenging it has made some of this stuff in my life but I don’t hate her and I wouldnt want anyone to think less of her? Even if she deserves it in a lot of way. I dont know.

I reaally appreciate your message. It means a lot to reach out and offer real advice and such thoughtful words. I wish I was on here more so it didnt seem like I come to drop depression bombs and then just dip. It’s not what I intended this silly blog for.

💕

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kindnessisweakness2 · 3 years

Text

Delusional - Part 10

The feeling of someone brushing their fingers through her hair startled Delaney awake. Snapping her eyes open she was sat in the wooden chair, handcuffs still tightly around her wrists and Kevin so close to her she could feel his warm breath on her face. “You look so beautiful when you sleep.” He whispered to her as his fingers traced the sides of her face. Flinching away from him Delaney winced. He made her skin crawl. Before Kevin could get his hands any closer to her bra, which Delaney thanked the Gods it was still on, Alex came bursting through the door again. “Rise and Shine baby!” Rolling her eyes the only thing Delaney could hope was that Jax could pull himself away from Tara long enough to get the club to look for her. She didnt know how much longer she could take this.

Little did Delaney know Jax sat at the Clubhouse bar all night with Chibs and Ope watching the video link that showed Delaney sleeping in the wooden chair. He was looking for anything that would identify the room she was being held in and trying to think where Alex would be stupid enough to take her. He had Juice doing his Tech thing looking through Alex’s finances, Tig and Clay were at Delaney’s house with Gemma and Unser trying to find out anything they could. The prospect was as far away from Jax as he could get since his comment about Delaney being with someone else. The VP nearly had his head and half sack knew he had to keep clear. “The Son of a Bitch is back.” Chibs voice broke jax from his thoughts and turned his attention back to the screen just in time to see Alex yank the chain connected to Delaney’s hands again. She was back in the same position he had her in yesterday and Jax knew by the look on her face she was in agony. His heart clenched painfully as he mentally prayed with everything he had in him she would hold on.

“So lets get back to walking down memory lane, shall we?” Delaney scoffed in his face making his grin drop instantly. “What else could you possibly want to know? Im not going stand here and let you tear apart the only people who have ever considered me family.” Looking Alex dead in the eye she made sure he knew she was serious. “So you better just kill me.” Alex laughed in her face. “Oh i will kill you. But not yet.” Turning away from her he grabbed the same knife he used to cut her shirt off yesterday and turned back to point it at her. “Let’s talk about the baby.” Delaney’s heart pounded painfully in her chest. “It was never mine was it?” Delaney looked at the floor. He was right. It wasnt his. Her silence gave him the answer he wanted and he almost roared in rage. Punching her full force in the stomach, he almost lost control and stabbed her there and then. The pain of her betrayal hit him full force. Leaning over as much as she could Delaney cried out in pain and dry heaved. “So you lied again yesterday? It WAS an affair!” Delaney shook her head vigorously. “N-no no it wasnt! It just happened! W-we got drunk one night while i was stocking the bar, He doesnt even remember it! We were both upset, we were a mess. It was just comfort.” Pulling her hair back she yelped in pain. “Please. H-he doesnt know.” Staring into the Camera Alex grinned. “Well he will now.” Delaney scowled at him. “Yeah he will. But now he’ll also know that YOU killed it. You knew i was pregnant and still beat me. You kicked and punched me in the stomach repeatedly. YOU caused my miscarriage! i was in hospital and YOU made me discharge myself so i could be at home, where you could always watch me, and know what i was doing. He doesnt care about me but that Baby was his. HIS CHILD. He’ll definately come after you now!” Alex laughed. “Im not scared of him or his little club.” Delaney shook her head as tears fell furiously down her face. There was no way she was getting out of this alive. He Killed her baby and he was going to kill her.

Back at the clubhouse Jax was reeling. She was pregnant and it was his. He remembered that night. They sat on the roof of the clubhouse for hours just talking. He told her all about Tara and how he was convinced he would never love someone else again. How wrong he was. Delaney wouldnt tell him why she was so upset but now it all made sense. He remembered how defensive she became when he questioned her bruised arms and the scratches on her neck. He finally understood why she was so emotional that night. She was trapped in a life she didnt want with an abusive asshole for a fiance. Delaney was gone when he woke up the next morning. He assumed she was embarrassed and he decided not to bring it up. Jax however would never forget that night. How it felt to hold her close. How it felt to see her smile finally reach her eyes. He carried that memory with him always. The days after that night weren’t awkward. Delaney acted like it never happened, so he did the same. He will never forget how hard it was to be around her after that night when all he wanted to do was hold her again, to see her smile reach her eyes again. He never slept right after that night, He always felt like something was missing and it didnt take a rocket scientist to work out it was her. It had always been her.

Tears welled in Jax’s eyes as he turned to face Chibs and Ope. Before he could say anything Juice came running into the Room holding up paper. “I know where he has her......”

#soa imagine #soa fanfiction #sons of anarchy #jax teller x reader #Jax Teller

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