mizutaigen is literally like. the first "toxic" m/f ship i've ever cared for. cuz like usually my taste in m/f ships is basically "unhinged baddie" x "badass wifeguy" *

* (see:yen/geralt. trevor/sypha. adolin/shallan. kataang but katara is sane and they're literally so wholesome like theyre traumatised kids in love who are each other's emblem of hope in a war-torn world! so basically they don't count. anyway. i'm rambling.)

and to that end my friend called mizutaigen yaoi-adjacent and im like. yeah you're right actually cuz like hell yeah non-binary mizu and bisexual taigen rights and all the gender fuckery in the show in general

but also like.

theres just SOMETHING else about mizutaigen that just GETS me. like there's a special secret sauce like the pheromones in that one sephora lotion attracting spiders and i am the silly spider!!! there's just something about it!!! it's not even the enemies to lovers trope cuz i personally am not even usually into that (obv it's fine if you are. but yk.)

so as i keep rotating these thoughts around i thiiink it's the fact that, yknow, theyre so similar. like i honestly truly think they could be besties in another universe: a kinder universe where taigen was not taught to hate. a universe where mizu was not born a girl in a deeply misogynistic society or half-white in a xenophobic homogeneous society.

yeah now that i think about it that really just might be THE secret sauce!!! like the fact that they COULD be perfect and happy together, if only things were different, if only they werent themselves.

smth v bittersweet about that's just driving me insane and makes me want to root for them to overcome all those obstacles, to say "fuck all that" (re:the world and all its fucked up shit) and find each other in the end. to eventually become each other's fav person and confidant. who obv still bicker and tease and insult each other all the time but they dont really mean any of it and over time it just becomes a running gag between them and no one else has to get it because it's just between the two of them.

i feel like every decision i have to make atm is rock and a hard place devil and the deep blue sea and i cant fucking deal with it i can feel the wires fusing + cogs screeching to a halt. total mental shutdown

im new here (hiya from the hazbin tag lol) but if you do character + character requests than please PLEASE gimmie a lee!vox with ler!alastor 🙏🙏🙏hear me out... the two are fighting and al (sHocKINglY) wins out, and vox expects to like.. be beaten into the ground as a result, but nope!! he gets tickled!!! to tears!!!! smthn smthn he wasnt smilin and, yk, youre never fully dressed w/o a smile!!!

/nf to do tho ty for reading!!! <3<3

OMG OMG HELLO WELCOME I HOPE YOURE DOING GOOD YIPPEE

SO FUN FACT I WAS VERY LIKE NEUTRAL TO RADIOSTATIC BUT TONIGHT HAS BEEN (HAHAH GET IT) AN ADVENTURE AND THIS ROAD HAS BEEN SUCH A BLAST <3 THOSE TWO FUCKERS ARE SO INSTIGATIVE ITS CRAZY.

I KNOWWWW THIS AS A FIC WOULD GO C R A Z Y!!!!! IDK IF ANYONE HERE WRITE FOR VOX AND ALASTOR AND PERHAPS DOES COMMISSIONS BUT I WILL PAY!!!! PLEASE HIT ME UP OR ILL PROBABLY GO TAKE A PEAK FOR MYSELF TMR <3 AS LONG AS THATS OK ANON. (I WILL ABSOLUTELY LET IT BE POSTED AS LONG AS THE AUTHOR IS OK WITH IT WHICH USUALLY THEY ARE!!!!) IM GONNA TAKE SOME CREATIVE LIBERTIES AS I TYPICALLY DO HEADCANONS!

IM NOT USUALLY A CHARACTER + CHARACTER GIRLY SO BEAR WITH ME BUT I WILL DO MY VERY BEST!!!! HOPEFULLY I CAN DO THIS JUSTICE! IT WILL BE RANDOM HCS THAT ARE UNRELATED TOO. MY BRAIN IS A MESSY PLACE HWBSHWDBD

OK SO LIKE I KINDA MENTIONED, THEY BOTH LOOOOVE TO JUST GET UNDER PEOPLES SKIN. LOVE IT!!! ESPECIALLY ALASTOR. HES SUCH AN ASS (affectionate)

I’D EVEN SAY HE’S KIND OF AN INSTIGATIVE LER???? BRO IS DOING EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO GET TO TICKLE VOX LIKEEE IDK IF THAT EVEN MAKES SENSE BUT I KNOW ITS TRUE. HE WILL CASUALLY WIGGLE HIS FINGERS IN CONVERSATION, TWEAK HIS RIBS FROM BEHIND, LITTLE THINGS LIKE THAT. WELL THEYRE NOT LITTLE. ESPECIALLY NOT TO VOX WHO IS SO FLUSTERED BY IT… ITS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING

BUT! VOX HAS STARTED TO FIGURE IT OUT. AS HE IS ALSO ONE WHO LOVEEES TO GET UNDER SKIN, HE DECIDES HE’LL DO EVERYTHING TO TRIGGER A LER MOOD IN ALASTOR. IF HE CAN TELL HE ALREADY HAS ONE, HE FINDS WAYS TO SUBTLY (WE ALL KNOW HE ISNT SUBTLE THOUGH) LEAVE A SPOT UNPROTECTED. BUT ALASTOR DOESNT WANT TO GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION!!! HE TRIES SO HARD TO NOT GIVE IN TO VOX BC HE “WANTED TO BE THE ONE IN CONTROL” AND NOW HE ISNT AND HES #PISSED

ALSO VOX ABSOLUTELY IS HORRIFIED OF VULNERABILITY. YET HE IS ABLE TO MOVE PAST IT WITH ALASTOR HERE. SOMEHOW HE ISNT AS WORRIED ANYMORE. MAYBE HE KNOWS ALASTOR WILL REACT. HE LOVES THAT SO VERY MUCH.

AS FOR THE SPECIFIC PROMPT, OH THAT IS SO REAL!!!! ABSOLUTELY YES!!!

I DONT WRITE GOOD ROMANCE BUT LIKE UGH IMAGINE IT NOW. Alastor definitely just got himself to the V’s tower and was planning on fucking with Vox only to see he had already been kinda pissed off. Alastor wouldn’t be as satisfied if he knew he didn’t cause the frustration. He realized he could just stir the pot again. Problem solved, and what better way to solve it than using his weakness against him.. being tickled.

I’m being a little silly but genuinely Vox is so ticklish. Like most ticklish person in hell would go to him if it were an official title. That’s what I’m thinking. That being said, Alastor also knows how quickly he could get him to crumble… but wouldn’t it be more fun to take it slow.

Vox notices his presence almost immediately. He tried to ignore it as he feels his face get warm. He can’t fuck this up. He takes a deep breath and turns around. “Why hello, Alastor! What brings you to our building this evening?” He said in a semi newcaster voice. He wasn’t ready to drop the act

“Well Vox, I came here for a reason of my own but then I walked by your office and you looked so sad!” He began to walk closer to Vox. “You know, t they say you’re never fully dressed without a smile!”

Vox let out a laugh that was quite clearly untruthful. “Yes Alastor I am aware! I was alone in here and so I figured I’d just save up some energy. I’m sure you understand.”

“Quite frankly I don’t,” Alastor paused, “I think maybe I could help you get that smile back.”

Vox didn’t even have to think. He knew Alastor meant he was going to tickle him. You could ask Velvette. She’s seen those two in tickle fights that lasted for DAYS. she knows what they’re capable of, or more so what Alastor is capable of.

Vox puts up a fight for maybe a couple seconds but he just loves tickles more than he can play pretend that he doesn’t <3

It works out well for them both, Alastor gets to fuck around with Vox and well, Vox gets his shit rocked!!! And he loves that more than a lot of things.

OK IM GONNA CUT IT OFF HERE BUT PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COME BACK!!!! IM ALWAYS DOWN TO HEAR WHAT PEOPLE ARE THINKING!! MAYBE ID DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS AGAIN OR LIKE ADD ONTO THIS!!! BUT I AM JUST ALL OVER THE PLACE CURRENTLY HEHE. I HOPE THESE ARE ENJOYABLE!!! (LOWKEY I WANNA ADD MORE TO THISSSS MAYBE TMR MAYBE TMR WE’LL SEE)

apologies if anything is ooc, i just do this for funsies <3

THANK YOU FOR THIS ASKK

Hey, chronic pain anon back again to ask some questions

My first question is to ask if you have any advice for how to handle or deal with the pain, I mean usually I just ignore it, but i dont know if that's really a good thing

I also wanted to ask if you knew of any mobility devices that might help with taking weight off my hips and spine? If that makes sense in a way?? I was thinking of getting some when possible as I noticed whenever I stand still I get a lot of pain / pressure in my hips and spine, like they're crumbling under my weight or something — idk if that makes sense, im like half asleep right now

Okay, uh, thanks :3 you're really cool and even if you can't answer these questions I don't mind ^_^

- chronic pain anon

Hey hun

DO NOT IGNORE PAIN /lh

Pain is your body sending your brain a signal something is wrong, listen to your body or it will get worse

Depending on the type and level of pain there are multiple ways to handle it

My methods are hot compress, soaks in baths or showers if I can manage one or the other, anti-inflammatory meds like ibuprofen or even Tylenol or advil (I can only take liquid or chewable meds but if you can swallow pills and know what meds you can take please do)

Compression socks, gloves, support shoes, braces, especially a back brace can help relieve and lessen pain by the end of the day

Sleeping with an extra pillow under your tailbone and/or between your legs depending on your sleeping position can help as well, preferably small pillows if you have one but whatever works

As for mobility aids

I'm looking into the same thing and the reason I was looking into using my moms walker before was because walkers and rollators have better weight support than a walking stick or cane, definitely better if you want to avoid the wrist and upper body pain leaning on a walking stick can give you at least from my experience

Best ones I know of should be within your height range, and can include a seat though the foldable ones are likely to have less weight support and there can be weight limits for aids so best to look at the weight limit on one before getting it

A walker or rollator feels like a middle between a cane and a wheelchair to me so I'd say it's good for spine and hip issues as I deal with the same

Actually last night because my mom wouldn't let me user her walker on my coffee run I ended up being hunched over with a lot of lacking mobility due to the extra pain I was in by the end of the day, the walker would have helped a lot and even helped me pase myself better walking uphill so I wouldn't have fallen into my habit of speed walking (or marching, Sea cadets will drill marching into your muscle memory)

So yeah tldr?

Anything that takes down swelling and inflammation in your muscles, joints and tissue in general wherever the pain tends to be can help a lot, even pain creams can help some

Small stretches can help too so your joints don't become stiff overtime just be careful not to strain or stretch too far or anything, light stretches can help get your body out of bed

And a walker or a rollator could be good for a mobility aid to look into

Hope this helps!!

hi guys, sorry for dying lmao. anyways... do you guys want some ninjago ethnic and cultural headcanons??? (theyre almost all east/south/southeast asian btw // srry if u wanted more central/western asian rep.. caucasus dont count theyre too european /hj)

Arin: y'know the fact that there's like a ton of different tribes in papua new guinea? yeah, maybe one of those but i don't wanna be disrespectful so i'll do more research first before fully commiting. other thoughts are timorese or other indigenous groups from/near eastern indonesia.

Sora: look at those cat ears and try to tell me that she is NOT japanese. just- cmon man. plus, imperium is like a futuristic imperial japan or a futuristic version of that time the tokugawa family was in charge and locked down the country.

Lloyd (as well as the entire FSM bloodline): either tibetian or bhutanese. FSM just gives some budhist vibes so yeah. this isnt going to be about religion but religion does kind of affect ethnicity and culture so it does have a very minor role in making these headcanons. nepali works too but nepal is kinda nore hindu so yeah..

Kai and Nya: indomalay. mostly the indo part.. like- cmon, fire and water, indonesia is an archipelago with a shit ton of volcanoes (philippines too but we'll get there, sandali lang muna ;) ) i cant get into specifics cuz im not too well-researched but yeah. also, vibes 👌

Zane: siberian or he's from one of the islands extremely north of japan that japan and russia keep on disputing over. purely because of geography and ✨vibes✨

Cole: mixed black latino-filipino. as a filipino myself i wanted to make someone filipino =). since a lotta people were making cole black, i thought that i might as well make him mixed <3. plus, the philippines is also a former spanish colony so it just makes sense. if you want a more specific country, either colombia or the dominican republic are cool. not very well-researched on the different latin american countries so if anyone wants to tell me the most appropriate country for cole pls let me know 🥰.

Jay: umm, i sorta have a dillema over this. im thinking either korean or he's from somewhere in the gobi desert like mongolia or inner mongolia (its a province in china btw). korean bc the entertainment and beauty industry as well as the student and work culture kinda fit him. but somewhere in the gobi desert is nice bc the desert is where he grew up. maybe he's korean but grew up in a mongolian-chinese environment but yeah, im not too sure about him 🤷‍♀️. im leaning more towards korean but yeah, not sure.

Wyldfyre: i um... this was very hard. first of all, she's not gonna be asian since i couldn't find a good enough area in asia and well, im pretty sure she's not from ninjago so she doesn't have to be asian. so, i got maori in northern new zealand but 1. i know nothing about the maori people 2. it might be disrespectful to portray them like that. and 3. er, the geography is kinda off. where she grew up looks very desert-y and volcanic. i think a more suitable reigon is in south america towards the coast like peru or chile but um i know even less about the those reigions than new zealand. plus, it has the same first 2 problems i listed earlier. (yes im ignoring her clothes for these headcanons srry guys my brain loves topography too much) TLDR; idk man shes too hard to sort out lol. it adds more to her mystery and chaotic energy anyway so yeah.

if u know more abt latin american countries, pls give me pointers so that i can have more accurate headcanons for cole and wyldfyre. i can do my own research for kai, nya, and arin but any help with that is also very much appreciated 👍. peace ✌️

(this is what happens when u become a geography nerd... im not at my full potential yet bc my latin american knowledge and all of africa knowledge sucks. but yeah. bye fr this timeee)

MICKEY i am jumping out of the blanket fort excitedly <333 this is so long overdue bc ive been too excited to sit down and think abt the Vamps properly BUT it’s finally time.. this is just going of ur most recent rb abt them btw which was . a While ago IVE BEEN THINKING OF IT CONSTANTLY THOUGH BUT ;;;;; STSG…. THE STSG DYNAMIC….

mickey i’m convinced that u are secretly plotting my downfall there’s no other explanation. VAMP!SUGU FLIRTING W JOURNALIST!GOJO ……..…. i DIED i exploded they make me feel so ill. I’VE PROBABLY DEFINITELY SAID THIS BUT EVERY TIME U GIVE ME ANOTHER PIECE OF VAMP LORE I FALL FURTHER INTO THE PIT just . sugu feeling more comfortable in the dynamic & getting more confident… JOURNALIST!GOJO BEING FLUSTEREDPEKSJ HELP MEEEEEE vamp!reader would find that so funny wouldn’t they. so sweet. now i’m just imagining the vamps teaming up to fluster gojo 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 me next

(he doesn't want u to be jealous he's more asking for reassurance - is it okay if the two of them mess around together too? and of course it is bc you want your boys to be happy)

dont even get me started on this ^^^^ im sending u my hospital bill watch out . MICKEY :(( im so obsessed w vamp!reader it isn’t even funny i need them so bad it’s sickening. they KNOW they call the shots and sugu knows it too and the way they’re kind of just. indulging their beloveds…… they’re sooo <33333 yeah.

i just wanted to let u know i am in fact thinking abt these three constantly i am kissing ur brain always. pls give mr armin a lil kiss from me too !! <33

HI ARI BABY!!!

it's so good to see you here (i might keep you forever)(/hj).

what do you think of playground love by air (btw doesn't the cover for this song look like sugu lmao i just noticed that) for this stsg? it might not be something you immediately thought of, right? but i feel like it suits the sugu teaching satoru how to paint?? do you see the vision?? or did you imagine something else?? i need to know. i think this moment would be such an important one in their relationship such a pivotal moment

i can totally see suguru talking about the colors and anatomy and how to hold the brush and then little journalist!gojo is just staring at him with stars in his eyes trying to concentrate because he really does want to learn but fuck it's so hard with this angel before him...

and i think the song name is also funny in a sense that satoru is like a teenager bc how easily he pops his boners lmao okay he just gets so fucking excited in his head it's literally not even sexual????? like sugu is just sooooo handsome under the moonlight it's making his head spin and oh! oops!

another thing i thought about is the fact that they definitely have a cat!!! idk if i said this already somewhere but they do!!! not a black one bc that's a little basic but maybe like a siamese one? meow very cute. anyway i think satoru desperately want to have the cat's attention but it loves sugu the most lmao and he's soooooo smug about that too!!! satoru is all pspspspsps bribing the kitty with the treats but it literally ignores him?????? and just gets comfy on sugu's lap without a second thought. imagine the pouty little satoru here:((( btw the reader is also jealous of sugu in this case but they refuse to show it. bc c'mon they're the leader of the house they can't be upset over their own cat liking their beloved more. no way. never. that's so childish. :(.

oh and and and!! the vamp!reader really does like satoru and they know that he's the perfect guy to help bring suguru out of his shell even more yk they know that a little curious puppy like him is only gonna do good in their household (after they reassure sugu ofc)

wait actually i can't remember whether i said that satoru just kind of moved in too right??? like he rarely goes to his city apartment and he just has his own room (as if he fucking sleeps there smh) and he absolutely loves lliving in the mansion he doesn't even hide it. i do need to say that he also adores having maids and a butler but he's still incredibly respectful towards them yk like he isn't pointlessly bossing them around

he also loves to blast stupid fucking music over the whole house.... canon i'm afraid. idk why but justin timberlake just popped into my head lmao like his music in the 10's wheww bangers though i won't lie

OHHH WAITT I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT SHOKO AND SATORU bc like they don't know each other yet!!!!! so imagine shoko comes over for their usual wine night and then finds this blue eyed guy lazing on the couch without a shirt on????? like who are you???? but then she recognizes him hehehe i think journalist!gojo is a rather known one he's good at his job so she just rolls her eyes but after an hour or two i think they actually get along surprisingly well!! (okay i mean it's not a surprise for us but for the reader and sugu) they kind of share the same stupid af humor and it all just gets super fucking funny when they're all playing board games together lmao (shoko always wins btw)(always.)

also heheheh armin came to sit with me just as i started writing this!!! he has received his kiss!! he meowed back!! he loves you!! i know bc i know his language so just trust me!!

ANYWAYY THIS IS THEMM!! i love talking about them it comes so easily the words really write themselves really (i can't wait to actually you know.. write something real for them lmao)(SOON I PROMISE SOON)

thank you for coming by i hope you never leave!!! mwah mwah mwah!! love you lots and lots and lots!!

anon with the add on back :

yeah, now that you explain it does make a bit more sense but it. just hurts because whereas they acknowledged yusuke blantantly lying about madarame stealing his work, they seem to just completely kind of ignore akechi's warnings and that doesnt even make sense to me.. they dont even really acknowledge it, all because they dont know who he's working for until the last minute, and that doesnt make sense to me at all. but ty for taking ur time to ramble: i actually do it myself a lot, and i have so many thoughts abt so many things that i'd like to explore more in depth but can't put in words myself .. i'd just wish theyd atleast acknowledge that akechi is being used the same way everyone else was instead of ignoring it, even if they still cant continue to aid him: it feels like they didnt try (to me), even with ryuji's ... hatred for him, i'd atleast think that ryuji would atleast try to acknowledge it and want to do something but being unable to instead of still being an ass, even if goro is one as well (and i think, speaking of mental illness, as someone with npd and aspd and avpd, goro has both symptoms of npd and aspd: futaba has symptoms of avpd, but thats a topic at a later time.) and i think goro's not truly being himself in 3rd sem when he's blunt and mean, that he's still constantly masking, as people with npd and or aspd do like myself, and he's tired of being nice on tv so he has to pull thin insults when in real life because as much as he masks, it gets annoying, and he (along with myself and many others) likely has low empathy and just thinks of others (especially those of ryuji's caliber, as much as i love ryuji and everyone else) as , well put, idiots, because they dont know as much as he does, and the fact that they know more than him in the metaverse has likely made him crash (his engine room was essentially an npd crash, i think), but them not knowing "basic information" (as my brain puts) likely gives him a narc high, which also leads to thinly veiled insults.. adding onto the npd goro akechi, i think akira is his ep (Equal Person-- people w/ npd hold them to high standards, higher than they hold for themselves, and expects them to challenge eachother-- essentially akechi's rivalry with akira.. in alternative, bpd akira tells me that akechi is his FP, but i can discuss that at a later time)

regardless, and apologizes for this long paragraph, tysm for responding because that does make things a little clearer, and no one's really talked to me about it before, so thank you :D

yeah, i absolutely get where you're coming from - although i think the statement "they're ignoring his warnings because they don't know who he's working for" has the flipside of "by the time those warnings are given, the thieves already know he's the black mask and is presumably being manipulated by someone, so he's not actually warning them about anything they don't already know"

but yeah, the only reason i don't think they should have reached out to him pre-engine room is that i don't know when in the story that would have been an option: their plan to find out who his boss was wouldn't have worked if they'd tipped him off to the fact that they knew he was the black mask, and after 11/20, he thinks Akira's dead, and i doubt he would gave listened to any of the others. i think Ryuji's treatment of him us also kind of a result of Ryuji's general main story characterisation - in game the vibe is very much that ryuji doesn't like him because he's popular and smarmy and talked shit about the thieves on live tv, rather than the fact that he's a murderer, but they don't let ryuji have complex takes on things in the story ever. now im thinking about their relationship in my palace au lmao. if i were to frame it in more. terms. idk. ryuji hates the detective prince. but akechi doesn't respect ryuji so ryuji has no reason to try harder

and on the npd/aspd front - I'm not super familiar with npd but i can absolutely see that (i think akechi has a bunch of obvious Mental Illness Symptoms that are common to a lot of things, which is why i think mentally ill bitches latch onto him no matter what's going on. people saying he has npd have always sounded right to me i think he's autistic also because -- well you heard what i said about unsympathetic symptoms of mental illness last time) but as someone who has some symptom overlap i think youre 100% right on stuff i know about. low empathy bitches rise up.

but yeah, i think a lot of stuff is kind of the result of the writers seeming constantly all over the place with him. i think it's especially bad in the section from 11/20 to the engine room, because while i think in royal there was some vision for who he was supposed to be, everything in vanilla is far more over the place, and in some cases vanilla's contradictory writing of him is made worse by its interactions with royal's akechi content. because 11/20 isn't designed to accommodate for the possibility that this guy could be your actual friend rather than a guy you've spoken to a few times turned tenuous ally turned traitor. i don't think akechi ever would have acted differently in a way that mattered, but the way the thieves talk about him is in line with his flatter villain characterisation in that period in vanilla. he's a terrible irredeemable evil person until just before he dies, and then he's a tragic victim to the point that in the shadow shido fight, they talk as if akechi wasn't responsible for any of his own actions, despite the fact that he was demonstrably doing it of his own free will. and then he dies and you're not supposed to care because he's a Bad Guy so they barely bring him up again in vanilla. all that rings a little strange with the royal stuff

anyway all this has got me thinking about the dynamics between akechi and the non-akira thieves. i should really keep writing my akira's palace fic

every time i'm wandering around the gaster side of undertale (which is often these days), i'm reminded of why i... kind of never want him to be a fully realized character?

don't get me wrong, this man has completely infected my brain and has for years and any and all information we get about him will have me frothing at the mouth.

but at the same time, i can't not think about how we as a fandom would be losing what i feel is a fundamental part of the undertale community.

there is a sort of delight that can't really be found anywhere else in the undertale fandom that comes with gaster and his designs (this post is a fantastic example of it). he is THE everyman in every sense of the word. the complete absence of information about him as a character aside from what we're told in undertale and what we can infer from choices he made that he left behind (e.x. how the core can only be cooled by ice cubes for some fucking reason) gives way to fan designs and interpretations and characterizations on a magnitude i have never seen before. i just can't imagine how we would've gotten characterizations like handplates!gaster or epictale!gaster or x!gaster, a few EXTREMELY different takes of the same character, if there was a pre-existing blueprint. (yes im aware of the irony of that.)

"don't you wanna know more about him or what he looks like-" no!! i want to see him with the cracks and the holes and the holes with no arms and the skeleton and the mask and the blaster and the white ass guy and the full on goop!!!! i wanna see him be goofy and dumb and scary and cruel and smart and kind and awkward and over-the-top and reserved as fuck!!!!!! i dont want him to be less malleable bc of canon!!!!!!!!

i don't know if there are other characters like gaster, near completely absent in their respective medias and yet one of the most popular and recognizable characters in their fandoms. every time i think about how we'll most likely learn more about him the further into deltarune we get and potentially even get to speak directly with him, i cant ignore the looming dread that will be the loss of all of those interpretations. the one's that already exist won't go away, but the way we look at them will be permanently changed, and how gaster is handled by new fans will also be changed, and something about that makes me really sad. i know the undertale fandom in particular is known for taking canon and throwing it out a window, but it just... won't be the same. idk. im not gonna tell toby not to develop his own character. we're just gonna have to see what happens.

just wanted to say thank you to everyone for today, i love you all 💜

im putting the rest under a read more, in case you wanna stop reading here, but um. trigger warning for suicidal thoughts

i tried writing this yesterday but it didnt come out right, but after dealing double with these emotions and then some today it feels like i can finally kinda put things into words that maybe make sense

i guess everythings just kinda hitting me very hard right now cause ive been 31 for four hours now and its just. in my brain right now that i didnt think i'd see this day honestly. like i had doubts about this even as lately as earlier this week. literally two days ago. so its kinda like. very mixed feelings. ive been thinking a lot about how i dont deserve this, deserve to be here, that im taking this space away from someone else. i dont know why, but its just how ive been viewing my existence lately

this year has been rough to say the least. yes i know ive had some incredible ups as well, but rarely have i felt like i deserved them in the end for one reason or another. ive struggled immensely, ive been going a steady downhill since the change of the year with no idea how to change it or when to change it. its been incredibly taxing mentally, and im just.. idk. oftentimes its just very overwhelming as youve probably noticed

it all just kinda came together today, with the previous thoughts as well as being largely ignored by my family today. like i know im very low contact with most of them, but when you have two people completely forget you and one only talking about themselves and asking when youre going to give them grandkids and start a family "since youre old now" it just.. sucks a lot. ofc this is beautifully balanced out by every friend thats been so wonderful today (literally had one busy friend jump into a voice call with us earlier just to tell me he remembered my birthday like... it means so much honestly) but. yeah. idk it just makes me feel like im at the age now where since i dont have life figured out im very useless and not worth their attention and..

i dont know what life brings these next 365 days. i really dont. all i can hope that it brings something that lets me keep going. its a tough topic for me to talk and think about rn but i feel like its better for me at this point to bring these out either way cause.. for whatever reason and somehow im still here. the fact that i saw through the entire day when i turned 31 just feels very significant right now. knowing i passed another safe point makes me feel safer tonight, no matter how much ive cried both good and bad tears tonight

thats all i think. just.. just wanted to get this out. i love you all, thank you for existing in my phone even if i dont talk to like anyone regularly cause im so mentally exhausted by just having thoughts on the regular its really hard for me. thank you 💜

part seven of my playlist analysis!!

part 1 <;- part 2 &lt;- part 3 <- part 4 <- part 5 &lt;- part 6 <- soup soup soup welcome home - radical face lucy's return to portland row, lots of crying, lots of hugging, holly is very confused. very nice atmosphere. burn - malibu '92 lucy before l&co. just existing in that horrible horrible town working that horrible job. but she just. cant. leave. she cant leave. yet. look whos inside again - bo burnham LOOK I HAD TOO IM SORRY. its very lockwood after showing lucy and george whats in the room on the landing. he feels stuck. he feels like he cant get out of this damn house. every memory is still there, just fading. something super sweet - rory webley ik the actual song is about abusive partners and all that shit but if you thnik about it differently its. its lucy. lockwood keeps drawing her back no matter how hard she tries to get away. mr brightside - the killers OK THIS ONE IS SO FUNNY. HEAR ME OUT. after lockwood sees kipps and lucy talking outside he starts blasting this shit from his room and everyone can hear it and hes playing it as hes getting ready and lucy is gettnig ready in her room and is just like ????lockwood wtf and oh my god its so funny hes using a comb as a mic and is putting on a whole performance its hilarious. i bet on losing dogs - mitski oo different vibe from the last one LMAO. lockwood has fallen asleep in her lap after a long cry session, shes running her fingers through his hair and hes sleeping surprisingly peacfully, just thinking about how he might not make it, she starts to cry. looking out for you - joy again lucy after holly shows up, she feels replaced and like lockwood likes holly more, she feels like she should stop being so "obsessed" (in love) with him because he has holly now. she is so so wrong. cigarette daydreams - cage the elephant lockwood is in lucys lap again (im so origional and creative im sorry im just a sucker for pathetic men in their badass gfs lap) and hes talking about jess. she feels bad just cuz he was such a little kid, he didnt deserve to see that. you stupid bitch - girl in red self explanatory??? i think?? maybe i was boring - wilbur soot idk ik the songs r sad and all but it has such cozy reading together on a rainy day vibes. freaks - surfcurse this is so :(((( its so lockwood. OK i know what the lyrics are so dont come at me but if hypothetically the lyrics where "i am just a phase" itd make even more sense. the adults are talking - the strokes a song lucy blasted walking through her tiny town, maybe getting groceries or something like that. goodbye to a world - porter robinson gives lucy talking with the visitors vibes. fallen down - toby fox ermmm lets skip this one LMAOO ignore it arms tonight - mother mother oh boy this one is sad if you think about it for too long so dont think about it for too long :). cause for concern - lovejoy lockwood being reckless and throwing himself directly in harms way just because he wants to die so bad then whenever lucy or george try and ask about it he says its 'no cause for concern'. IT IS VERY MUCH A CAUSE FOR CONCERN. phonograph - piper madison lockwood and his dysfunctional brain and dysfunctional routines. garden in the backyard - bl lucy is sick and locky is takin care of she :>>. runaway - aurora lucys mind while on the walk to the trainstation, and walking through london, getting turned down by agencies over and over before finally arriving at lockwood and co.

this one is weirdly short but anyway ONTO PART 8 SOBS

hi i kinda need some advice on how to deal with everything but dw if its too much to help with

i live with my abusive parents, but despite them being very 'chill' the past year or so im still constantly on edge around them, my dad is practically nonexistent to me, i ignore him and have cut myself off from him emotionally, and im still pretty close to my mom as i kinda have to talk to her so often but she can get angry really quickly and want to hurt me so im constantly making sure my tone and wording are always correct and that can be exhausting in itself ngl lol. i work nights, im only slightly on edge around my coworkers as im still a little unsure of them but ik thats just 'fake news' and its just my anxiety talking. the issue is that, when i saw my boyfriend a few days ago, (i left the country and travelled alone), it was heaven. i felt safe 24/7, i got hugs, kisses and affection AND got to give that to him too and honestly, i was the happiest i think i have ever been in my life. i felt so free. then i had to go home, and once i saw my mom at the airport and getting in the car with her, it all crashed down and it was hell. ive only been home 3 days and ive only just managed to settle it down in my head lol its crazy. its just so opposite to being with him. my brain was just acting as though it had been shocked very hard and it was hard to just focus or be happy and i got suicidal pretty quick. i did start my period too, and i get bouts of depression whilst that happens so it really really did not help my situation at all and it sucked lol. i leaned on him a lot for support and it was so so hard to process and i just dont fully understand why. its so confusing as to why i practically had a breakdown when i got shoved back into that environment like i mean ik it makes sense like going from safe to unsafe very quickly can do that ig but i mean more like its just weirding me out a lot lol. i just cant believe i have been so on edge with my parents and how high my stress is all the time at home. id gotten very used to it, and ig a few days without it was enough to make my brain forget about it all. but idk. ik i need therapy or something like that lmao but i was wondering if you could help me understand it a little more and if youve gone through this before and like if i can get some advice on how to get through it a little more smoothly. my bf and i had a talk earlier and he wants me to try learn how to do all that by myself as it exhausts him when he has to help so much even though he wants to help as much as he can. i understand that fully and dont blame him at all for feeling that way, cos yk, hes my bf not my therapist so ik i can go to him for help but sometimes, like the past few days, hes not the best helper for that haha but im just struggling to know the steps i have to take to get to the self sufficient person we both want me to be lol. ik this is probably a lot, im sorry about it, but i hope your day is going the best it can go, thank you for helping us all out 💕

Hey, nonnie! Sorry for the late reply.

I'm sorry this happened and you had such a strong reaction to going back to an unsafe environment after feeling safe around your boyfriend. This used to happen to me too, and I can really relate to your experience.

When I was still living with my mother, my dad lived half a country away, and every year on summer and Christmas, I would travel alone to spend a few days/weeks with him and his wife. Being with them always felt like an oasis in a desert, and at the same time, it made me forget my mother's abuse. It was... Blissful, but also numb? I don't really know how to describe it. But, if I combine that with my experience with cutting out my mother for good, I can tell you that traumatised brains are experts at repressing all memories of the abuse the moment they feel safe so that you can keep on living without having to process all of it at once, which would paralyse you.

So then of course, going back to the unsafe abusive environment can be really distressing. It's like getting slapped in the face with all of the fear and horror that your brain had already locked away the first chance it got. When you're consistently feeling unsafe, you barely even notice it because your whole being is focused on surviving. But being able to lock that away in the back of your mind, only to have it shoved in your face again? It's absolutely going to mess up with your mind. It's how I felt every time I returned to my mother's house as well. And, in my experience, the longer you spend away from the abusive situation, the more your tolerance for abuse decreases, and the harder it hits you if you're exposed to it again.

I think just knowing that this is a thing that can happen can help you a lot. I'm assuming this was the first time you went through this, or at least the first time you noticed it. First times in any context can be tough, because you can't know what to expect. But, now that you already know this can happen, it won't take you by surprise, and that in itself might lessen the blow a bit.

And now that you know this can happen, you can also plan ahead so you have ways to ride the wave of emotions when it comes. Can you think of anything that helps you during bad trauma moments? Talking to friends, being outside your parents' house? Writing, reading, listening to music? Hiding in a safe-ish space? Personally, it used to help me to talk to friends and vent to my diary about the trauma back when I was in this situation, and also being away from home as much as possible.

I hope you can find things that help you! But I also want you to know that these trauma reactions probably won't go away for as long as you're living with your parents. Brains aren't wired for happiness—they're wired for survival, and it's not realistic to demand them to stop trying to help us survive. So please, be gentle with yourself if you continue having this (or any other) trauma reaction while you live with them. Being self-sufficient is a great long-term goal, but it's absolutely not worth punishing yourself for if you can't get there while you're still actively living in an unsafe environment.

I also want to say that I, too, went through still having trauma reactions around my abuser even after her abuse had "calmed down". I know it can sometimes feel like trauma reactions to being around our abusers aren't justified if their abuse isn't as bad as it used to be, or if we feel like it's stopped altogether. But, nonnie, they are. They're completely justified. Again, it's about survival. These people have shown they can hurt you, so the possibility of it happening again is always going to be there. And your brain isn't going to risk letting its guard down and being defenceless around them.

Hope some of this helps. Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

ok senpiss and osuke megapost right here rn guys im so sorry if i forget anything + if this doesnt make any sense: (im not sorry) (this is just gonna be like. Explaining lore and shit mostly idk idk i might add more as time goes on)

warning i talk and ramble a lot during this i am so sorry to everyone on the senpai fnf tag i will not stop preaching about my two idiots

OK so my brain is fucking massive and huge i have two seperate versions of their relationship because i love how complex the both of them can get (even though senpai is quite literally surface level for like everyone who doesnt know how insane i am about his character and how much ive tried to actually give him More Character)

edit: (i lied theres like three seperate versions but im not going to explain them all because its too much and i already feel bad for talking this much)

the first one is literally just typical, bros not in the game or whatever no game exists its just normal bro time ueah ueah (i call this one Normal) (actually i dont call it that) (idk what to call it) (its the one my brain presets to) (if i dont specify which one it is its most likely this one)

the second one is a little more closer to canon senpai where hes actually in the game & this one is More Upsetting to Me a LOT a lot (ill probably get into this more when i actually have a set idea on what i want this au-ish thing to be about) (whenever im talking about this specific thing ill specify this one)

a little sneak peak on the second one is essentially just. osuke collects games, comes across senpai, they both get attached, osuke realizes how bad its getting, tries to get rid of the cartridge because he wants to focus more on actual life shit, senpai somehow Manages to come back (i explained the whole plot im so mad)

the first one is where like. osuke constantly has to move schools due to his parents travelling for work a lot. eventually he just decides to settle in with his sister and just attend the last year at the hs senpai goes to or whatever.

osuke is A COMPLETE LONER!!!!!!! HES A FREAK!!!!!! and HATES MAKING FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!! and senpai is just like Holy fuck whats up dude hey whats Up hey and just gets Ignored by osuke entirely which Pisses him off because how dare you ignore the most popular guy in School?????

so senpai just. Continuously tries to bother him so they Can be atleast Friends. Wgich OSUKE he fucking hates it because hes like "waaahhh waaahhhh whats the whole point its not gonna last waaahh waaahhhh"

but he manages to soften up and get used to it which THEN causes their initial friendship or whatever.

senpai obvs isnt gonna let all that work go to waste as soon as he became close with him Because He Realized How fucking Annoying Osuke also Is but he doesnt Mind jt because at first they are #Besties

they kinda have some sort of like "lets make fun of people together" bond Becsude They Are both Pieces of shits except one of them is popular snd another one is just Bitter and A Loner

Im not too sure how they got together yet, i hsvent decided on it. I'm kinda leaning towards the side where senpai is conflicted with these sorta feelings and isnt sure How to actually say it to Him because. Wow! Being friends with a loner? Already Damaged your View on others! And then WANTING TO DATE HIM??? WOW!!!!!!!

plus with the fact that like they most def have some sort of complexity between eachother where osuke is hella fucking jealous about his social status at school whereas senpai is SUPER SUPER SUPER jealous about osukes just. way of not Caring about what people think of him (he foes care he just tries to not let it bother him too much) (it bothers him but he doesnt say it outwardly) (he has a lot of internal shit stuck in him)

its like????? kinda tense but also not????? like the frustration fuels them both in a way if that makes sense (like their love for eachother?????? i dont know)

id like to think there wasn't just a confession it was more so pf just a awkward like, "oh shit we're pretty close, oh fuck wait hold on youre doing this rn????? dude youre kisisng me whay the fuck????? dude??????? are we like a thing now what?????? hellow??????"

i know that senpai would Probably Want there to be a confession originally but osuke is actually too fucking dense to connect two and two together (mainly due to the previous factor of him not really having much friends + having to move on so quickly and Not really processing it fully)

i just really like intimacy between them i think its really sweet seeing it 🦭

thats all i can really think of rn so ill wrap it up enjoy this big ass thread about me talking about my stupid guys i apologize again

this is anonymous because im too embarrassed to say it but but !! i just wanted to. thank you? i suppose? Cough Syrup (especially ranboo and tubbo) has made me realize many things about my mental health that I could never have started healing from otherwise. I cannot stress enough how much that fanfic has changed my life for the better, even if I still have plenty of struggles I can't fix without professional help. I also want to thank you for (and please ignore this bit if you find it uncomfortable) talking about your own mental health so openly. Your posts make me feel very human, sort of like I'm not the only person whos brain works like this and thats okay!! you know? idk, youve just helped me a lot :] - ☄

hi hi! this is so so sweet thank you so much :(( the love towards cough syrup means the world to me especially since its on a (temporary!!!) hiatus and everything; it's just. it's really really kind when people say that they still like it 2 me and it's also so so lovely to hear it's helped out? bc that's one of the main reasons i started writing it, which then became the main reason: i wanted to comfort people, i wanted to help them through things, i was sick of reading about media with psychotic characters where happy endings didnt exist. i wanted to show the quadruple edged sword that is addiction & that you can heal . & that healing is complicated and messy. and a lot of other stuff. i'm seriously so so happy it could help you make realizations bc it helped me realize a ton of stuff too, like i think about some people's comments on the fic still bc those comments made me introspect and realize oh shit me too. you know?

i'm glad on the second half, too :') i think every person has to walk the line of transparency advocacy and privacy, where you want to be trasparent and honest to those you love, u want to use ur experiences to advocate for the better, and you want to hide the vulnerable parts of urself. thats how i feel talking about my mental health. if i could i wouldn't talk about it as much, but this space is for my own healing and i know that some stuff does resonate with people.

it's good to hear that it helps, though, especially coming from a CS reader, because i worry all the fucking time about hopeful readers coming here expecting an update and just ending up with some 17 year old having a meltdown.

i think part of why i do talk about it though, on the days where it's more intentional rather than just an expulsion of all this ugly shit buried in my chest, is because i'm getting through it. i'm going through it but i'm getting through it. i want to post about the days where i look and see the sun and feel this deep sense of happiness over myself, i want to talk about how the person im in love with makes me feel like im a person again. i also talk about the days where i feel trapped by my own trauma and how my emotions are rapidly in flux to the point its difficult to even know who i am. bc that loops back to the first point, too. with every horrible horrible day there's a really really good one and good days, fuck dude. good days are so worth living for.

this ask means a lot to me and im sorry for rambling so much haha. im really really happy CS + my posts can help . and i'm glad they both make u human bc i dont feel human a lot of the time. but if my lack of humanity can make another person feel human then well, i guess i'm human.

it's really not that awful of a thing to be, either :')

much love anon <3

ive had a repeating dream with ryan in it in which my brain is somehow generating the weirdest ryan backstory details all by itself

it starts by me in 3rd person seeing ryan walking through a city (its evening and very dark) and then knocking on a door and entering without waiting for a reply and then i start seeing things through his POV and its so weirdly detailed and ryans mom has made food

and i woke up from this dream today because ryan got SO distraught/upset. and usually ive woken up or like, the dream has changed before everyones gotten to eat but today i got to see everyone start eating some sort of soup (tomato soup?)

anyway after ryan has entered the house, i get the sense ryan is visiting his parents(?)/family but i KNOW that the woman is ryans sister and i see her clearly and i KNOW she is at least 10 years older than ryan or something like, that shes my so much older than ryan that its hard to call her a sister

and the reason im not sure if theyre ryans parents or grandparents is because i feel like theyre his parents but theyre so old? but actually because its such a specific plot point in the dream that i KNOW thats ryans sister and i KNOW shes a lot older than him so that maybe in the dream it follows perfect dream logic

either way it always goes the same (and my dream ryans genealogy gets even more fucked up because his mom has a decorative pope plate AND the flag of ireland on her wall which ryan looks at a lot) and everyone sits at the same places on the table every time, so i dont get to see a lot of stuff from the other places in the apartment

and i get the sense its some assistive living situation (this is fueled by my grandma irl for sure lol) and when everyone has sat down (ryan is the last to arrive and his dad ignores him), ryans dad starts showing off what awesome gifts he has gotten for his wife. he has dark hair (but its dyed) and he hangs sunglasses from his shirt and is kinda stylish. hes also really stereotypically italian-american like hes my brains idea of what the sopranos protag is like (???ive never seen the show but if i had to pick)

his moms defining trait in the dream is having long, graying ginger hair? and also oddly parted like, it has a section of ginger hair left instead of normal graying (??). i dont get a good sense of her otherwise because shes mostly standing behind/next to ryan where hes not looking

some of the gifts i can remember are a golden necklace with a big real diamond in it, imported olive oil (it doesnt even have a label in it because its directly from some farm or something), and a champagne(?) bottle opener plated with gold with a pure amethyst handle

and everyones talking a lot EXCEPT ryan. hes mostly just thinking and i thought about it just now and i think it might be some sort of situation where theyre speaking in italian and ryan can understand but not reply which is why hes silent (??)

he thought mainly about how extremely hungry he is, and then he was like ugh i dont understand why the bottle opener has amethyst in it because that doesnt really match the decor at all lol... well whatever. he also thinks about how his mom(?) has gotten worse/more demented but at least shes taken up cooking and can cook still

finally we get to the eating part and her mom is a bit too silly/forgetful to set the table so ryans sister helps her out by setting the table while his dad talks to his wife about how beautiful etc she is (wife guy) and ryans sister doesnt give ryan a plate, so i like feel (?) ryan making a confused face at her

and shes like oh.. and she speaks to ryan in the vocal equivalent of a mean girl tight-lipped smile but nicely enough so nobody will notice and goes smth like, “theres only two clean plates of this set of four, one is probably in the wash and one is on the kitchen top behind you because mom(?) has already eaten”. and idk if she says mom or not because its a dream so its not exactly Real words bc weird logic

and she continues like “but does it matter since you never eat properly anyway, or even want to eat:/”.

so ryans like “oi oi... aheh... you got me...” in a defeated fashion and doesnt even try to argue about it. but hes really upset internally because this entire time hes been like, at least ill get food soon im so hungry...

and ryan awkwardly smooths out the tablecloth with his fingers (really vivid to me for some reason) and his dad goes on about how ryan is so disrespectful for not even wanting to eat such a hard-cooked meal and ryan just weakly smiles back at him and he was SO distraught in his brain where i was observing everything from that i woke up.

this is the first time his sister in the dream has spoken to him and it was basically just “area man gets actually bullied for disordered eating by his sister in 3 sentences or less”. why did she do that. why does she hate ryan so much

anyways heres ryans dream sister my brain made up and the image of her is so vivid about the haircut ESPECIALLY. like in t&b style too for some reason (i cant draw like that though). and she looks a LOT like ryan, vividly. im not sure at all what shes wearing though because my brain never focuses on it ain the dream and im not sure if i imagined a dress shirt after waking up or not

bye ryan... move aside ryan your sister has got it going on kinda. she might be evil for some reason but maybe pussy from a girl whos evil is a basic need?

on the scale from one to ten how do you rate my brains ryan lore<3

ok maybe im exagerating but its so draining when you know that people just dont really care abt YOU as a person?

im extremely lucky to have my best friend who is an amazing person and we're a great support system to eachother, and yeah, she does care, but i dont thing that anyone else does. ofc my parents care abt me and i do abt them and i love them but they dont care to know ME i think. it may also be bad communication but they do not care enough to have an actual conversation with me. the ones that we do have are nice, but short, and do not evolve to something more profound or at least interesting. we also start fighting almost immediately because i do not understand a thing and they usually treat me like an idiot because of it. like, yeah, sure, its common sense, but i dont GET common sense you dum dums, im slow as hell dudes. they also then tell me to stop talking and being rude and that i am being a bitch and uncivil. if i try to talk abt something that interests me they brush me off or straight up ignore me. my other friends do too, but they also make fun of me. i mean yeah, we know eachother for long enough and our whole dynamic is just bullying eachother so bad that only the thin veil of sarcasm keeps us from actually insulting eachother, but it does hurt. but they care abt me when they need my help, or to ask me something regarding a program or school or recently our exam schedule. and i do like being of use, i like being helpful and i do take pride in the fact that i am the first person they ask, so much so that even their parents tell them to ask me before anyone else, but i feel that it is only that.

if i try to talk about anything else, i get shut down. and yeah. sure, my interests are pretty teenage-girl-basic and stuff, but they dont even try?? i constantly feel like i am disturbing them when i try to talk about smth, and i try to stop, i do, but i get really excited when i see or hear something new and i want to talk to someone abt it, and the closest person to me is usually my mom, but she doesn’t try. like, at all. so im left just stopping my sentence in the middle and looking like a paralysed fish with its mouth open. vv fun, ik. and i usually get pretty loud and i know i do not yell, i know, im usually a person that speaks very quietly, so i know that i cant get THAT loud, but when i do make the mistake to talk to my mom about one of my interests, she tells me to stop talking so loudly and to calm down. ok, it doesnt sound like much, but the tone and the gestures that usually accompany this exclamation make it so much more....idk. it just influences me more ig. i usually stop talking after that.

idk, im probably exaggerating, and maybe my brain is just remembering all of the bad memories regarding this issue and ignoring the ones where they do care, its probably that actually. idk, i just needed to get this off my chest.

was tagged by kwarrtz

Relationship status: it is also a long distance relationship and im polyamorous

Favourite Colour: i do not have one but like. idk i like the tones of jade, amber, and i like purple.

Song stuck in my head: i dont have one rn but the most recent was aint no sunshine.

Last song I listened to: uhh i dont remember what was playing on the radio while we were driving home but the last song i intentionally listened to was still alive.

Three favourite foods: i dont really have a favorite or even like a priority for top three favorites. but like idk i love seared salmon, i. hm. well i like breaded chicken but its not like my favorite its just kinda my go-to because its easy. similar with mac n cheese. theres a lot of *specific* sandwiches i love but i dont tend to make sandwiches for myself and theyre kinda diverse wrt fillings. i like barbecue chicken pizza but it is nothing incredible. i like pasta with butter/cream/cheese based sauces.

Dream trip: uh unlike kwarrtz i havent really traveled that much just like. visiting family basically. id like to hang out with a lot of people of course but as far as locations. well i am like, a bizarre human being. idk. im just not that allured by travel to places! part of this must be that my surroundings in general have not tended to be that beautiful + i have not Explored very much in quite a long time. like, if i made it a hobby to look for beauty in the environment around me outside i would likely have a stronger desire to see new places. as mentioned hang out with people, got plenty of european friends that itd be cool to visit. maybe for places i could pick somewhere that has nice museums, since i do have a real urge to see beauty in art. so that’d be a motivation. i should check out where pieces from the early 20th century russian avant garde are.

Anything I want right now: welllll i have like. a weird brain as mentioned. so it’s hard for me to prioritize something to put here. and a lot of hypotheticals are like inaccurately ranked in terms of ‘realness’. like it genuinely feels equally silly to talk about ‘i want to have my brain work properly and be able to get stuff done’ as to talk about ‘i want magic powers’. which is a bit silly in of itself. uhh, money is cool but as mentioned like dreaming for a million dollars seems equally fake to dreaming for magic powers. of them though i mean magic powers would obviously be the best to get but i think it’s most appropriate for the question to say that i would like to have better executive functioning (as in, better attention control, working memory, task switching, cognitive inhibition, and impulse control). oh and maybe jbt can have little a emotional management, as a treat.

tagging: genuinely i hate this. like i really actually hate doing this. i hate both leaving people out and i hate bothering people especially about something as meaningless and banal as this especially because these are often kinda annoying + the person who was tagged could have like a guilty conscience for ‘ignoring’ me tagging them. and to pick an immediate method that can reduce the sense of like, having actively excluded people, im checkin the most recent people i messaged in tumblrs messager. but thats like, 1 valid person, then a bunch of people who already were tagged through the chain of tags that resulted in me being tagged, then two people i dont know enough to feel comfortable tagging in something like this because itd be like invasive almost, then more already tagged people, deleted account, more tagged people, an artist i follow who seems generally like a bit socially reclusive and with whom im not really friends. like i got basically 1 valid pick. so i am not doing that because that’d be like insanely singling out. so yeah im not gonna tag anyone here