we’re now at ~4200 words for this, and i’m not done yet tho we are getting to the end of the first part!! 

DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT DUDE I LEAVE ASKS FOR WEEKS BECAUSE I'M EVIL (EASILY DISTRACTED AND INARTICULATE) SHDGKJDSHDSLGF see you got to it before I was even done with a stream...

But yeah The Smile Ruined My Life. It helps it's not as silly as his last card's though lol

The "soul patch" is a bit of both; it is amplified a lot by lighting, but you can see it's noticeably darker/less patchy than the rest of his facial hair in his texture even when lighting isn't a factor and it's like that for his younger model too. I rarely notice when Tsutsumi actually has one though because it blends in with the shadow lol (sorry for the disgustingly high res texture btw I don't know why they did that and Tumblr blows it up to max size anyway </3)

YAYAYAY HOPE YOU ENJOY GOD OF RISK <3 Genuinely don't remember a single thing so probably due a rewatch for me as well. I do miss Hit Me too...

That's exactly the vision! Sad dog left out in the rain. I love fish out of water (so to speak) type stuff where the character is normally So Serious and So Capable. Jo just Existing In Public is such an image, right... because he's like... this guy with a fifty-foot AOE "leave me the fuck alone" aura active at all times but wearing one of THE most eye-grabbing fits... Honestly kind of insane no one ever connected Aoki to the yakuza before Nick's call-out post, though.

It's fun to imagine RGG characters just living their lives too. I LOVED Mine's first event because he had a lot of commentary on random encounters you could have in Y3 and even achievements you could get, while offering a pretty good idea of what his day-to-day is like

he cant be smiling so sincerely while holdin a fuckin katana that looks RIGHT RIDICULOUSAELKJA (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)(;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)

if my followers can handle me posting masato and aoki's skinned face texture, then i can surely handle a bit of extra hi-res stubble ☠️☠️ BUT i dosee it. if i squint real hard (the shadows in the rggo card really do help point it out)

I'M ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH THE FIRST EP RN (got distracted for a sec to hang with my bro) AND SO FAR IM ENJOYIN IT !! Business Bullshit has always entertained me, and esp when kaori's being so hard headed rn only to be faced with the facts that if she doesnt change Serious Shit is going to hit the fan is ABSOLUTELY pulling me in

YAYAYA THATS EXACTLY IT I LOVE FISH-OUT-OF-WATER TYPE OF SCENARIOS TOO. it really is funny that no one connected the dots when every other npc or character seem so deadset on clocking characters like kiryu frame one as yakuza. meanwhile there's alligator-print, perpetual-scowl and slicked-back hair jo and everyone just seems to be none the wiser. He Just Looks Like That Don't Be Rude☠️☠️

i LOVE imaginin charas doin mundane shit so much, it's probably why i really enjoy slice-of-life stuff. Oh The Beauty Of Everyday Life Etc Etc- esp when applied to yakuza characters where it should be hard for a day to be bland and not noteworthy ☠️

hey, ryen!! how are you, love?

i was catching up with the blog just now and read the 📖 anon ask, and oh my god. i wanted to say a few things and you know i talk a lot, but bear with me, i promise this ask is gonna be a mess

i find it absolutely incredible and heartwarming how much 3tan is expanding. just the fact that you felt the necessity to create a separate blog to filter our craziness, or how each day we get to know more anons and how we recently learned that your writing speaks to and reaches men too. i feel so glad that you're receiving so much love and more recognition in each step of the way!

also, i love to hear how 3tan moved other readers. i love to hear about your inclusivity having an impact, about your caution whenever writing a character makes you write something that's relatable even if from a different background than yours.

urgh. you truly are such a great author, and i want so damn much to have a physical copy of 3tan once is over (if it'll ever be aksjak).

anyways, all this bc i wanted to share a bit of how your writing touched me too

when i had my 3tan journey, i was in a very bad place (that i wont detail bc i dont wanna trigger anyone or expose myself lol) and that's why i read all of it in one weekend.

i found shelter in your words in a way that i can't possibility explain. your story helped me to elaborate my feelings, and shed light on a lot of stuff i felt, but didn't understand. del sagno was a slap on the face for me, it was a wake up call in so many ways and i actually started therapy not long after it and i finally just worte my first fic and so much of it was fueled by you. like, whenever i listen to bts' songs i feel like you're promoting the same messages and you help me to go through my own healing process.

what 3tan means to me is... well. more than you know, and that's why i wanted to write you that forfeit analysis, i wanted to try and give back in some way.

anyway, it's three in the morning here, and im kinda emotional (as i always seem to be), so i just wanna say one last thing.

in flutter, reader talks about finding a home in a person, and i think it speaks to most of us who found home in bts and army. but i feel like you've proven to me that one can also find home in books, bc although i've always heard ppl talking about it, i've never felt it. 3tan tho? 3tan is easy to love bc it's real, 3tan is the easiest thing to love bc it feels like home.

hi, lua! i'm doing well<3 and idk if you meant to message this blog or kithtaehyung but omg 📖 is incredible, right??

i'm really excited that 3tan is expanding, as well (and i'm happy this blog now exists so that we can have our own little nook!) the recognition is cool but i'm truly just glad that people are finding themselves in this series and learning from it, just as i have.

there are so many people that love bangtan, and by extension, read bangtan fics. this is why i wanna be sure anyone can be comfortable reading mine and know that they are understood and seen<33 we shall see if there are physical copies! you are way too kind and i am so happy to have you here.

oh, love... i will say this: therapy is huge. proud of you for seeking that out and following through because talking out what's been on your mind and getting it sorted is crucial to feeling better, thinking better. to be able to lead you into something helpful like that? i feel so much in my chest idek what else to say..

self-love and forgiveness is what i want us to all have. if my stuff resonates with you as much as the boys' songs do, then i can retire peacefully and with no regrets. i've never received a compliment or comment like that.. kinda just sitting here and staring at your message. :')) wow.

your forfeit/3tanalysis (whoa, another word we can use!) is mind-blowing and i wanna print it and keep it forever i'm so serious. i felt like an actual author in that moment and it was surreal getting to read it. i love you.

3tan will always be there for you when you need it. it's home for me, too, and i'm super glad you've found comfort in it, as well. this was all wonderful to hear. thank you for saying these things but i wanna fight you bc i'm just one big pile of mush now T^T

this contain genshin impact spoiler on 3.0 update sumeru world quest!

u have been warned :)

ok so i was just finished one of varanara's world quest on genshin impact, the one that chained from arayaka(?) world quest yesterday.

istg sumeru's world quest took so much time to finish and it's branching like... wtheck!

but i had a lot of fun in sumeru, except finding the waypoints :) please tell me u guys too >:(

anyways, that's not what I'm gonna talk to u guys abt.

i should tag this as spoiler, but i wont spoil too much(?) or is it too much? idk 😅

so, in that varanara quest (tho it was started from vimari(?) village quest) we need to save rana, one of the forest rangers that got sick after entering a cave full of fungi and spores to save her relatives (we will fight along with npc and it's so fREAKING COOL. good job hoyo)

turns out her sickness can be cured with the help of aranara's ability. aranara is like a mystical creatures in sumeru or u can basically say they are fairies. the name of that aranara is arana. then, arana tell us to go to varanara to find her relatives (aranaras) and get a spesific item to cure rana.

oh! if u have unlocked all waypoints and statue of the seven, there is still 2 region that should be opened, right? one of them is on the south of sumeru. the name of that region is varanara. we can only light up the map of that region with this quest, cuz the statue of the seven is uhh, idk like hidden?

anyways, long story short we will met araja. araja promised to help but we gotta help aranara's people first, especially because their festival is coming up soon. one of them is arapatchi(?), who asked us to find her brothers asap before the festival started.

so we helped arapatchi. it was a long side quest but!!! then, the name "Nara Varuna" appeared and it was reaaaaally sussy.

note: my traveler is lumine.

listen. they (aranaras) called traveler as a golden Nara. and they said there once a 'golden' Nara and brave like us named Nara Varuna. Arapatchi explained to us abt him. Nara Varuna has blond hair. Brave and Strong. but it's still won't make a clear conclusion. though, i had a name in suspicion abt this Nara Varuna.

But then suddenly–

after we finished the side quest, we asked arapatchi and her bros abt how do aranaras count their age and identifying gender (cuz they are basically looked like uhh they dont have genders??) so that she called her brothers as 'brother'.

TURNS OUT–

omg i freaking cried a lil and i got goosebumps when i first know this. my brain cant stop theorizing.

Nara Varuna is the one who inspired them. abt being 'brother and sister' i mean. why? it was because long time ago– note. long time ago. he taught the aranaras abt his sister.

HIS SISTER.

im pretty sure this is not a coincidence guys. Nara Varuna is traveler's twin. well i cant say it's 100% true but!! my theory is make sense right?

varanara once experienced "black rain, dark mud, red sky" which i assume to be the 'cataclysm' that we all know happened long time ago. we also know that traveler's sibling is exploring teyvat alone(?) or maybe with dainsleif(?) long time ago too.

i just–

what if it's true? that Nara Varuna is traveler's twin?

it was kinda heartwarming to know that the abyss twin was once a kindhearted human. or is the abyss twin still until now? we dont know. but it was nice to know this lil detail abt the traveler's twin. i really do hope to know more abt the twin's journey before khaenriah disaster. or anything abt the traveler's twin. im craving for genshin lores lmao.

anyway, that's all that i can say. if u guys have done the quest, lemme know abt ur opinion! well i hope u guys share the same ideas as me :) but if u dont, it's completely okay!!

oh, i wanna attach some of the quest's dialogue screenshots i got abt this theory but i think it'll spoil too much hahahahah 😋 so i decide to not do it. do this world quest, u'll see for urself :)

and lastly, thanks for wasting ur time reading my rantings, peace out 😎

HI HI, The new lowkey chapter 23 was amazing it made me have a whole tornado on my stomach😭 because how can you not be FLUSTERED if ayato calls you "My y/n" IT REALLY IS MAKING ME BLUSH꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡ and also "A handsome bartender" is that diluc???? If it is him im gonna scream jsjcdjdjdi, overall the new chapter was amazing im sorry if i was late lol lol since i was still asleep when you posted it :')

Oh and change topic are you gonna pull for kazuha, klee or yoimiya? Or you already have them? Im curious hehe

I really want kazuha since they said kazuha is good in spiral abyss.

And what are your thoughts on sumeru?? For me idrk im still thinking HAHA.

That's all im sorry if it's too long :') i really want to say how amazing your genshin smau😭. Anyways always stay safe and stay hydrated hehe♡︎

IKR BESTIE 💅 im honestly just indulging myself at this point when writing ayato and yes ahihi its diluc mr. new 5-star skin HAHAHA spoiler but i wanna say all is well for lowkey but its all just gonna go downhill from here HAHAHA

i actually wont be pulling for anyone atm. i already have kazuha and im happy with him even at c0. maybe ill snag klee or yoimiya but then again i already have a well built pyro dps whom i love and cherish with all my heart hutao HAHAHA so idk if it'll be even worth pulling for another pyro dps. maybe ill just get kazuha cons 🥹 ,,,, or wait for scara or that new husbando dendro character. having guaranteed at times like this truly gives u power istg

for sumeru 🤔 i like the little peek we got. i liked all the greens hehehe new maps always makes me excited so im all hyped for it!! i HAVE been seeing all the issue regarding sumeru characters' skin not being dark enough and what not on twt.

anyway im glad u love my AUs bby 🫶🏼 and i hope u get kazuha! istg getting him made genshin a lot more fun for me and he's definitely helpful in abyss. more so than venti bc you get more control on kazuha's cc unlike venti's burst.

i like a girl lol

Sooooooooooooo ummm the title of this rant? would be "i like a girl" lmaooo Soooooo yeah theres a girl i kinda like?? its nothing serious tho but yeah i like her ig, she's not really my type tho but idk . She treats me so well i cant help it. i feel things lol. I keep checking my phone every second of the day (just did again) and it sucksssss. She kinda likes me back? atleast thats what she says . but idk i dont think so. The possibility is too narrow but yeah.

She has a boyfriend lol and its not like i care tbh cause its not like i wanna make her cheat on him something i mean she wouldnt and i wouldnt want her to. Also i know this isjust a phase for her and itll go away soon. for her or for me. Yk know i cant like someone for long especially if i dont see a possibilty of us dating. so yeah im gonna go with the flow rn. She told me that she had a crush on me since months tho but again ahh i dont think so. maybe shes overthinking . maybe she just wants to be my friend.

anywayyy soo im just going with the flow. we flirt a lot. we blush a lot. Thta bitch flirts with othets and makes me jealous lmao dumb fuck and i do the same bwahaah. sooooo yeahhhh i know after whatever this thing is ends im gonna be sad af for 2 weeks i think? cause we talk so much and its gonna be lonely. but again im a pro at moving on soooooooooo

7/10/23 (1:51am)

(im gonna keep adding the rants)

and the best thing about this is that i'm very well prepared for the heartbreak so im sure it wont hurt much lol im actually very sure about that. I always expect the worst in these things so its going to be chill. I'm sure shell come out of this phase soon and it will only be a memory for both of us. mostly in a good away tho. I'm not gonna take this too seriously and just have fun. you're flirting? okay ill flirt back. you're treating me well? ill do the same yeah thats it lol

i have a strong gut feeling that this is gonna end soon like 3-4 days? i dont know. lets see

7/10/23 (18:25)

Oh wow soooo it almost ended that day lollll but then yeah we kinda talked it out? Anyways i feel like something changed after that. I think in a good way? The obsession feelings decreased and maybe the good friendship feelings increased? I honestly have no idea and i should probably stop trying to figure it out lol. Anyway now I'm back and i think she doesn't like me anymore. Maybe I'm just over thinking? But lol nvm let's see how it goes

11/10/23 (2:05am)

Lmao bitch read this post. anyways im gonna act like no one knows about this account. Its soooooo scary i know i've told this before but its just really scary. See i have trust in myself that if IF something goes wrong ill move on fast, OKAY WHY AM I OVERTHINKING AGAIN. lets fuck this. SHES SO CUTE IM SO OBSESSED I HATE HER SO MUCH. ITS SO MUCH FUN TALKING TO HER. even though sometimes i really wanna push her off a cliff but its okay. I wanna write so much but im blank again wtf

14/10/23 (01:48am)

Why do i feel like she hates me now. Maybe she'll finally lose feelings. i mean yeah thats okay and understandable but it'll be too sudden so idk. I'm ready for anything at this point . I wanna text her but i guess ill give her space. I'll just distract myself and sleep. She has nooooooo idea about the amount of over thinking im doing rn. im so sure shes done with me and will never see my face again. lemme prepare myself. Thankfully im veryyy tired so ill fall asleep easily.

14/10/23 (9:22 pm)

i randomly have such sudden outbursts of love for this baby. i want to cup her face and kiss her whole face , i want to hug her to my chest and kiss her head and baby the fuck out of her. She's gonna cringe reading this (please dont). I want to like put our foreheads together and close my eyes and feel it yk??? i sound soooooo weird. Please dont be creeped out

15/10/23 (10;02pm)

I like her so much like so so so so so so much. Its very scary and i know for a fact that i will be hurt later but ugh its sooooo worth it. I'm sooooo happy with her. The feelings keep growing and i dont think im gonna let it stop. its okay ill let it grow. yoloooo sooo ahhhhh. We just had a pubg date sksksksk shes soooooooo ahhhhh. She flirts so confidently , i was panicking behind the pubg call sksknjiuck. anywaysssss ugh I want to kiss her sooooooooooooooooo bad like fuckkkkkkkkkk i wanttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!.

20/10/23 (01:13am)

Hiii so idk bro she says she's more obsessed with me but obviously i disagree. I think i really fell harder lol I mean it's scary af but anyways. Idk she can go for hoursssss without talking to me and be fine and me ? Lolllllll I try to text back whenever I can but she doesn't do that. Maybe I'm asking too much. Okay i should chill out fr. I don't wanna depend on anyone lol. I only want fun stuff here even though i know I'm kinda in deep but anyways it'll be okay. I know she's putting a lot of effort i shouldn't complain. I'm getting more than i deserve anyway. And I AM happy af. I just miss her i guess. I sound sooooo stupid. Ugh I hope she doesn't read this

21/10/23 (17:12)

(23/10/23) 1:40am

She didn't text me back today. But I'm gonna be understanding. I don't want to overthink. Not today . There are so many possibilities and i wanna listen to her . I really want to be understanding. Because i genuinely care . I didn't text her back till 2pm due to some valid reasons tho but anyway I feel calm now. I texted in our gc and she seen zoned but maybe she has her reasons . Let's see . I don't want to think about anything. I really hope she's alright .

It's like i want her to text me about her day and all but then I don't want to expect much i don't want her to do zyada also idk she's already treating me nicely and it makes me happy. Its honestly more than enough and I don't want to be greedy.

23/10/23 (19:12)

okay sooo ummm the reality is hitting me these days. I was okay being the side chick but its really hitting me lol. Its not like she makes me feel that way nahhh she shows that she cares. Its just that idk maybe im only stupid. she flirts with others and sends me screenshots and everytime she does that i lose little feelings. Even though she does that for fun idk. If she keeps doing this, i might actually lose feelings lol idk how to tell her that. I dont wanna bicker or anything i dont have the strenght and anyway she'll be like nooo i do it for fun only because im cool. **heavy sigh** nvm . but should i let her know? communication is good yk. i guess ill try tonight. if she doesnt fall asleep. Okay ill tell her that, rest is her wish lol .

oh yeah btw todays our 1 month anniversary???? ehehehehe

okay she fell asleep, shes really sick so i hope she feels better soon.

but anyway i keep feeling stupid lmaoooooo i need to stop feeling this way and accept it. Thats the only way lol

21:23 (30/10/23)

Wah its been long, soooo umm idk we kinda had a disagreement? i honestly dont know what that was but yeah im 1000% sure that it wasnt my fault. i took my time to write and explain everything but nah i guess shes mad at me? ofcourse she is. we didnt talk the whole day and its kinda driving me crazy but im trying to look normal. I wont text her first , not because i have ego or anything but because im not at fault here. She took things a little too far and i got triggered. But again i did explain her everything like why it triggered me and all because i didnt want any misunderstanding. But yeah shes mad at me for that? i honestly dont know what to do. is this the end of us? i dont want it to end like this. I'm not ready but i also wont text first. She needs to own up to her mistakes. I miss her. I miss her so much . please text me ughh .

its okay i guess. this is like a break for us i think i dont know how this will end up

22:56(7/11/23)

lmao i got on with a lot of thoughts in my head but as usual im black again. sooo i cant stop thinking about her and its scaring the shit out of me. Atp im pushing myself to go out with friends and family just to divert myself from thinking about her lmaooo yeah its that bad. The worst part is even k-pop idols are not helping me this time. Its always her on my mind. But ill try my best to distract myself because i feel very one sided. Its prolly not but kinda is . idk. But i'm also behaving the same way with her ig? i talk about idols and behave like they're the only ones on my mind when its absolutely false. I'm sure its not the same for her tho. she really isnt that whipped for me lol. and thats okay. ill keep trying to calm myself down . BUTTT the more i try the more i think. What do i do?

05:36am (17/11/2023)

we had a talk yesterday and it hit a nerve, It hit a wrong spot and now idk what i feel anymore. It was hurting. My heart felt like it would explode. I felt too much that i dont feel it now. No i'm not over her. It'll take time for sure but something snapped for sure. I'm taking a break today, from her. I need to analyze my feelings and emotions and think. I need to be ready for whatever is about to come. and i will be, Im strong and i can do it.

I never spoke about this or wrote it here but i think i should now. I need to analyze my feelings and write it out. I like her. i like her a lot. It was all happy happy at first, just us flirting. It wasnt that serious. But it did get serious later. A lot of feelings got involved. I know i know that she has a boyfriend and that i am a second option. I know its genuine and she really likes me. But i sometimes i wish the other way around. Everytime she mentions her boyfriend, its like a stab in my heart and reality hits me. I get distant for a bit. idk if she notices. its not her fault tho, I cant talk to people about this because i know what they're gonna say. "its all your fault, you knew she was taken but you still chased her. its all on you. you"re stupid for even hoping or wanting something from a straight taken woman" oh dont even get me started on how much it hurts when she tells me shes straight. Its gives me mixed signals. she says she wants to kiss me, hold me and do things with me and then she says shes straight. see i know sexuality is not an easy thing, it takes a lot of time and courage and thinking to come to a conclusion and tbh its okay even if she doesnt, but i cant stop my feelings and my overthinking. what if she doesnt really like me and its really just a phase shes going through. because im confident about the way i feel. i like women, i like her, romantically , emotionally and sexually.

i want her. i want her so bad even if its for a month, i want to experience how it feels like to be in a real relationship with her but i know its impossible. Like that equation doesnt even exist.

yesterday night, when she told me she loved me. i couldnt say it back. I didnt have enough energy to feel things because my heart was already hurting. Thats why im taking a break from her today, Her calling me baby , princess and whatever cute things she does , its making me feel guilty. She shouldnt do those things for me, but i want it . i dont know what im typing honeslty. i just want her so bad but i know i shouldnt. i NEED to tone down now . from my side, ill take the love shes giving me, also reciprocate. but not more than that because even i feel guilty and shes going through things because of me, she says its worth it but is it? i know that one day both of us will move on from this. I'm pretty sure we're gonna think about this and laugh but right now i want her, But i also dont , But i do. lol.

14:04 (21/11/23)

Hi, lol. I feel so much for her. like so so so so much. what we have is so precious and important to me. i dont want to let her go. As a girlfriend, yeah i guess one day we'll have to part, but as a friend? i dont want to lose her. I may sound greedy but along with her girlfriend(idk what we are but lets pretend im her girlfriend) right now, i also want to be her second best friend. Is it too much to ask ? i mean i guess it is. It hasnt been that long but our emotional bond is too strong and idk if ill ever find it anywhere else. Even if i dooo ugh idk i just want her for a long time. Even after we break up and take our time off, i want her to talk to me. This may sound selfish but yeah. I still want her to come nag to me, complain about things and share her problems, emotions etc. Relationship issues, marital issues, friendship issues, work related issues, family issues, financial issue etc like literally anyyything. I want her to feel comfy with me, I will never force her tho. I just hope things turn out this way instead of us completely falling apart. Because if it breaks , im sure itll take more than 2 years for me to open up tp anyone again. After my last ex best friend , i really shut myself off and it was lonely. I do have friends and i know they are always there for me but i cant open up to them. emotionally. But with her i can. So i want her , need her for a long time. We may drift . life is unpredictable and people change so its okay but i hope both of us try our best. I know she said she ignores and ghosts her close friends when she feels something is off and then they drift apart but i want her to really try for us. Idk if it will be worth it for her but i want her to try because i know i will. unless she wants otherwise. lol why am i having such emotions today? this is the first time im feeling this way. with us i mean. okay ill stop now.

26/11/23 22:30

I think I'm in love lol idk I tried so much to not be 'in' love and to just love her but I think I failed at it. I'm even scared to admit it to myself because I'm a coward. I still don't want to admit it to myself. I love her so much . I feel so stupid for loving someone who loves someone else. I was never like this. What is wrong with me? Idk but can it be helped? No. I know I'll move on in the future and everything will fall into place but right now ugh i love her and I feel stupid af. Like really really stupid. I'm never telling this to anyone tho. They'll make fun of me lol. They won't understand. I myself don't understand anything. I'm giving away so much of myself and it's going to take a lot of time for me to get it back like after we break up. Anyways I hope she gets well soon. She must be in a lot of pain. It hurts to even think that she might be in pain ughhhh stupid**inserts my name* get it together.

Come back soon . I feel like a zombie without you

Lol I just looked at my instgram activity and was wondering why I had spent 4 hours on Instagram yesterday when we didn't even talk. Then I realised that we did. It has only been a day but it feels like weeks? Wtf? What is going on with me. I'm scared I'm so so scared.

28/11/23 (23:43)

Happy 2 months to us lol sksksk anyways I didn't miss her yesterday. Probably because I was dealing with my own shit . Doesn't mean I like her any less. I still care . I hope she feels better soon

30/11/23 (00:19)

I googled the recovery rate and the death rate of dengue and I'm more paranoid now. Maybe I'm crying too much because I'm sick . I cry a lot when I fever like it heightens whatever I feel and now I'm worried about everything. Myself , her ahhh.

This is way too scary. New fear unlocked. I don't wanna say it but ugh just the thought of your loved one not being there hurts lol. I think I'll never move on from it. Never. So dear universe or whoever is listening to me , you've been mean to me these days , there are only 2 things that I want the most right now. The most. And I'll do anything for it. 1. Her getting well soon. 2. I need freedom from my life . Which means moving away to another country. I need these so bad. I don't care if I don't die anymore. I know I've always wanted to die and that was the only prayer in my head but now no. I want these 2 . Please please please. I won't be able to take it please ahh I'm crying again. I'm never getting attached to anyone again.

It's December already, please please please I promise that if these two things happen, I WILL NEVER NEVER EVER think about killing myself again. I promise this. I really really really promise you. But , if not , then that's it. You know I've always wanted to die , ever since 2011, so I'm giving up on this if I get the things I want. Atleast the 1st one. I won't be able to live at all.

Why am I crying so much. It's too much to handle. I feel like the nerves in my head will tear open with the strain. Its been long since I cried so much . I know I'm over thinking but why can't I fucking stop. STOP. Okay I'll just sleep .

1/12/23 (00:05)

I didnt miss her at all these last 3 days but i think i miss her a little today. I suddenly think about her and feel like crying. This is not because i miss her but idk. I feel like every bad thing happened to me at once and my mental health is at stake. 1. her being extremely sick with that deadly virus? whatever it is. 2. My uni thing. 3 me falling sick as well. i cant control my emotions when im sick. especiallllyyyy fever. i feel so weak and that stupid fever aftertaste on my tongue is making me wanna puke. i think im sleeping a lot these days. like 16 hours a day or something, maybe physcial and mental exhaustion is catching up to me. fuck this life . anygays idk i hope something good happens please. i wanna cry again lol. crying feels nice all of a sudden . its all because im sick lol. i guess ugh idk fuck this

i slept on the couch yesterday night, i think ill do the same tonight lol. i always sleep on the couch when im sick i guess??? ah im sleepy again. prolly med effect. ill eat and sleep now. i hope my baby feels almost better tomorrow. wow im sleepy af all of a sudden . no energy i think ill fall off byee

01/11/23 (20:16)

Lol i haven't written in so long ahhh yeah idk it's going okay I guess. We were having a call on gmeet with another friend of mine and she spoke about her boyfriend today. Idk what happened to me and why it happened but I cried wtf? Like wtf?????? Idk what to do anymore. It's reality I know but it's hurting. I know I'm just a ummm what am I again? No one omg fuck this

03:20 (18/11/23)

i love you

22:36(uk time zone) 11/02/24

Ah i need you so bad but i yeah i should be understanding. I’ll be. But know that i need you so bad like emotionally but im not brave enough to text you .

15/02/24 1:14pm

I love you . It feels sad now . When i think about her, my brain makes me sad lol. Whenever i imagine fake scenarios with her my brain keeps constantly reminding me that im just delulu and nothing will ever happen. I already know that but lemme be happy? i keep thinking about the break up that will happen soon when she gets engaged. I know there’s time, there’s a lot of time but i can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like it’s always there at the back of my mind. I just wanna be delulu , carefree and happy. I don’t wanna think much okay bye

29/02/24(2:30am)

I hope you dont see this but I’m so sorry. There are so many thoughts running in my head rn. I feel like im ruining something perfect. i mean you and him. I know nothing will change , yall are the end game and i dont want that to change. But the guilt is hittinf me these days. Am i that bad? Am i that selfish? What am i supposed to do? Shouldi stop? I dont want to stop but i dont want to be so selfish. Am i really a homewrecker? fuck

(12:06)

Dear bestfriend,

Send me one "Dear---" and I'll write a letter to this person

. . .

She'd opt not to send anything to these people. It'll be an exercise in venting. Get stuff off her chest before dealing with it. Or maybe she'd never deal with it. It all depends, really.

She crossed her legs at her desk, grabbing a pen and paper.

Alright, Carol. Practice time. Shouldn't be too hard, right? It's just...

It's a letter to Lilac. How hard could it be?

Dear Lilac,

Hey, what's up? It's been a while since we talked. Or, like, even SAW each other. You're all the way over there, I'm still at Shang Tu with Sonar. You remember him, right? I mean, of course you do. You two were best buds before ya left. Second only to your's truly of course.

...

She could tell her properly, couldn't she? Just pretend that earlier never happened. Pretend this was their first interaction in forever.

Well you'll never guess what happened!!! Me and Sony are getting married now!!! I'm gonna be his super duper cool bride and he'll be my super duper cool husband and you'll even be my ring bearer!!!! If you wanna. Ya dont gotta. But itd be super duper cool to have the whole trio back again! Like remember back at the tree house we'd hang out like ALL OF THE TIME??? Watching movies, playing video games, IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!! WE SHOULD DO THAT AGAIN BEFORE I GET MARRIED!!!

She smiled at her words. Maybe they should do that again. Scummy or not, she does remember everyone having fun back then. It'd be nice.

Also hey Lilac dont tell anyone this secret but I think I wanna kiss you--

Scribble, scribble, scribble, scribble, scribble.

She couldn't confess like THAT. That'd be awful. Fuck.

BTW Lilac i got something to tell you but i'm gonna save it until the end. READ THROUGH THE WHOLE LETTER BEFORE GETTING TO THAT PART.

That's better.

...Oh who was she kidding that made it so much worse. Thank the stones she's not sending this out.

How's the search goin? You find any cool treasures out there? Bet youd find a whole skull out there that'd all OLD and stuff. Maybe its got jewels in it's eyes. SEND THAT TO ME IF IT DOES :P.

I bet if it's taking you THIS long fish lady must be a lost cause pretty hard to find right? Like where did she even go if she's not found in a week right? Seriously maybe you should check some super cool villages or something. Break their pots then ask them where a giant fish lady is. Theyd bring you right to her and youd have to fight her like it's an rpg LMAO. BET THAT'D BE FUN TO DO AGAIN XD

i kinda miss you not gonna lie. Like you got your bestie around you all the time and suddenly she's gone and you dont know what to do anymore. i got sony so im okay but its still hard lyli. i kinda wanna see you again at least. like i love you so much (((AS A FRIEND))) idk if id ever wanna be without you.

oh no are we at this part already? fuck okay. im just gonna say it because youll neve see this ill shred it up yo can even red it because i wont be tellin you abot it so HA.

lilac i love you so much i wnt too kiss you so much. ive been in love w u so much so LONG i wish you likeed me back i wish i could kiss you lyli. i love you somuch lylii wish i could be there is it dark out there is it scary outthere i promise id hug you and kiss you again and again and again just tto ma--

She crumbled up the paper. That was enough for her.

Shoot it into the trash can at the far end of the room--NOTHIN' BUT NET BABY.

She smiled, sorrowful. Can't wait until this was over.

you're either incredibly naive or in deep DEEP denial, if you truly believe that the writers dont intend to explore ricky and gina romantically again this coming season. especially with the fact that olivia is not sticking around past a 3rd season (so you can't rely on rini saving portwell) and that by the time the season kicks off, ej will already have graduated getting ready to move onto the next stage of his life, and the show is called HIGH SCHOOL musical the musical the series. its about the students who attend east high.

so idk maybe that thought hasn't occurred yet or if you just don't care, but the sooner you wake up and start smelling the roses, the less it'll hurt when it inevitably happens.

also, as someone who does believe rina is going to happen next season, I don't think that ej is going to find out about ginas feelings for ricky and get insecure or whatever either.

in fact, most of us don't think a portwell breakup wont have anything to do with ricky at all. it's most likely that they'll just have 2 separate storylines next season (apart from their relationship) and at some point agree that- for many reasons, they should just remain friends. no bad blood, no heartbreak or unnecessary drama, just two people maturely concluding that they're on different paths and they're not compatible.

they'll hug it out, let eachother know they'll always be there to talk to, thank eachother for everything and be back to their usual anter in no time. giving the writers enough time to tie up loose ends in regards to his relationships, so that its not too hard to reduce his role for s4.

no theatrics.

so you're a rina huh? haven't had rinas in my asks in a long time so welcome :)

now, as for you being passive-aggressive in that first sentence, I'm neither of those things. I believe Portwell has been very well-developed, and it would be terrible writing to just throw it away. I don't think I've ever said Rina won't EVER be made, because I'm aware it's a very real possibility because of how things ended between Ricky and Gina, but just breaking Portwell up won't do to make fans happy. I know for a fact that Ricky and Gina have a very weird friendship, so if the writers wanna put them together, they'll have to work ALL season for it (the way they did with Portwell in season 2 and how we didn't see them actually being a thing until the last 2 minutes) or else it won't be good.

I'm actually against Rini so,,,idk what to say abt that, idc abt Rini that much because they're so unhealthy to each other, so I wasn't relying on anything. Not on Gina's side, not on Ricky's side. I've been pretty vocal about my love for rina as friends. I think they would make amazing friends, but a romantic couple just wouldn't be it with how troubled Ricky is. I love Ricky, but I think he's not ready for any relationship rn, and the way he has treated Gina even less.

The college thing isn't a problem imo?? Like, if the writers truly cared about the ship, they wouldn't just say "oh yeah, well EJ is leaving to college so they'll break up 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️", and if they did want to break them up because of that, then they've made the terrible mistake of showing us how amazingly their relationship can overcome things.

I think it's a pretty good thought that most rinas think a Portwell breakup will be clean and they'll stay friends, but why can't that be with Ricky? Portwell breaking up, in terms of their stories, wouldn't make much sense. "Exploring Rina" isn't a good enough excuse for it, because you can't build a strong, healthy relationship and then break them up because someone in the writers room thought "what if?" It would need a purpose, something big, something important. So, again in terms of their stories, the most logical thing right now would be to have Ricky and Gina as friends again, with no romantic tension. Gina explored that road before and she just got hurt, EJ on the other side brought her joy. I think it would be unfair to both Gina and Portwell to just jump to Rina right away.

I would like to see Rina, believe it or not, in some distant future if Portwell doesn't turn out. Rina has the potential to be good, we all know this, but far down the line when they have fixed their wounds and friendship.

Hope you understand now that I'm not that incredibly naive or deep in denial :)

A fluffy curse, chapter 2

--Let's travel a bit--

"Harmony," Raika says, holding Harmonys hands "Is it true that true loves kiss will get rid of this..." He began to wag his tail slightly. "Yeah but you're kinda cute as a Neko..." Harmony giggled, caressing Raikas cheek. Raika purred slightly "Stop.... you're making me purr..." He smiled slightly. "Well.... How about it? Shall we try?" Harmony asked, her eyes sparkling in the light. "Try what?" He blinked. "Kiss, silly" She giggled again, bringing her face closer to his. "Ah, I should've guessed..." Raika then brought his face closer to Harmonys, allowing them to kiss. Once they kissed, Harmony watched as Raikas ears and tail disappeared, meaning he was finally normal. "Thank you" He gave her a warm smile "Now then.... what's say we-"

But.... all that was just a simple dream.

"GAH! IM AWAKE!" Harmony shot up, her breathing heavy. "Harmony, are you okay?" Raika asked, hopping onto her bed. "I-im fine.... it's just... I had a dream and..." Harmony tried to explain what had happened, but she couldn't. "Anyways, the other two have been whining and meowing for food. I told them to wait, but they refused" Raika pounced down from the bed and left the room. "Oh no.... that could only mean one thing..." Harmony sighed, getting out of bed and leaving her room to enter the kitchen. There, she found Lan and Chaud snacking on some cat biscuits they had knocked onto the floor. "You guys.... seriously?" Harmony nudged them away with a dustpan and brush and began to clean up their mess. "We where hungry..." Lan whined as he began to try and shove as many biscuits into his mouth as he could. "Why not just wait next time?" Harmony sighed again "I really don't wanna be doing this kind of stuff..... guess I'll have to manage..." she placed the floor biscuits into the bin "Now then.... Lets get you lot fed then...." She then opened the cupboard again to both put away the biscuit box and get out a fresh tin of cat food. "Don't worry, I'll get you all some water in a minute..." She said, putting the cat food in their bowls. I forgot to mention this, but they where both appropriately coloured and had their names on them so they could tell who's is who's. Once done, she picked up their water bowls and, of course, filled them with water. "Now then..... I gotta make myself some food...." Harmony placed their water bowls back down.

"You guys wanna go out and explore a bit today?" Lan asks, still munching on his food. Chaud shook his head "After yesterday, let's not.... that dog could still be out there..." Both Chaud and Lan then shivered from just the sheer memory of the dogs barking. Raika, on the other hand, didn't, as he didn't go with them and was asleep most of the time. "Hm? So, you guys encountered.... him...." Harmony growled at the word 'him'. "Do you know that dog?" Lan began to almost shove his entire head in his water bowl. Harmony nods "Yes. His name is Inferno and he recently ran away from some thing where people force animals to fight. It's a tv show, but I only watch it so I can take notes in hope I can someday shut it down and save those poor animals..." she explained "And please don't drown yourself, Lan...". Lan pulled his head from the water bowl and began to gasp for air. "What're you trying to do, exactly?" Chaud asks "I'm sure that's not how to drink water....". "I do what I want, Chaud. It's my life" Lan huffed in response, shoving his head back in his water bowl for another 5 seconds before pulling back up and properly drinking the water.

"What. The. Fuck." Chaud would facepalm, but he's a cat, so he obviously can't. He just decides to walk off, but finds himself inside a small room under the stairs(*distant harry potter theme*). Lan had finally finished his and left no trace.... apart from some minor splashes of water and a few pieces of cat food. Raika had actually finished before the both of them, but was just sitting near his two bowls. "Hm? You haven't left yet?" Harmony said, crouching down and gently petting Raika. Raika growled as she did so, causing her to pull away. "So, you don't exactly like being pet, do you..." Harmony sighed. Raika mumbled something under his breath, getting up and walking off, putting his tail up as if to say 'hecc off'. "Wait did a 12 year old just swear a few seconds ago?" Harmony stood back up "I think so....". "I'm so bored..." Lan began to roll around on the sofa, before accidentally turning on the tv via rolling on the remote. The other two cats stop what they're doing and come over to inspect what was going on. Lan pounces off of the sofa and joins Chaud and Raika in watching the tv, sitting in the middle of the two. What was on tv appeared to be some horror movie. The movie was titled 'The beast in the portrait'. When one of the beasts formed from a portrait that was hung up on the wall and began running towards the screen, Lan began to loudly meow. "Lan, shut it!" Chaud gently bonked Lan on the head. Lan growls "Alright, Alright....". "I heard this movie is rated 18. We shouldn't be watching this." Raika spoke. "We'll be fine, Raika." Lan replied, eyes fixed on the tv screen. Then, a spooky thing happend, causing the three to hide in all different places, scattering god knows what all over the place. Harmony heard the spooked cat noises and entered the front room "Really? You're watching THIS of all movies?" She growled, turning off the tv. Chaud came out of hiding, with Raika following, who was dragging Lan along.

"Look, I'm going out today to get you three some toys and a cat flap. Can you stay out of trouble, please?" Harmony sighed, facepalming. Raika and Chaud nodded. "Oh come on, aren't we too old for toys?" Lan walked up to her and sat down. "It's just to keep you entertained." She then walked to the back door and opened it, watching as the three ran out "And stay safe!" She called out as she closed the door. "Alright. Now let's go!" Lan jumped up on the wall and ran off. Raika and Chaud looked at eachother before following the Havana Brown towards the town. "It feels so good to be back!" Lan stretched. "But Lan, this place is pretty dangerous..." Chaud lands next to Lan after jumping off a trash bin. Raika began to sniff the area, curiously. Lan signalled for the two to follow him. Okay now I know this is a bad time to cut but

-Meanwhile, in the cyberworld-

"I'm still wondering why that cat was meowing at me" Megaman said to both Protoman and Searchman. "Normally, cats meow quite alot" Protoman replied. "Yeah, Well.... I feel like this one was trying to talk to me..." Megaman done that hmm emoji thing idk how to describe it. "Did you see the collars?" Searchman spoke up "They had our Navi marks on them. Perhaps they where actually our NetOps". "But they're cats..... how can they?" Protoman is SERIOUSLY that dumb in this fanfic? I mean... he thinks he's god.... AAAANYWAYS, it eventually clicked. "THE MYSTICTINY!" They all said in unison. "I mean, it was pretty obvious" Searchman sighed. Megaman just laughed, but Protoman.... he just zoned out

'Why did Harmony have to exist'

Back with the main trio now. Yeah, the cyberworld talk was short, I know. I'm sorry. Will have longer parts for them

Anyways, Lan was leading the group through town, as he had more knowledge from previous trips to Aurora. "What should we do today...." Lan looked up at the sky, not watching where he was going. "There's not much to do as a cat other than walk around.... and watch where you're going!" Raika began to chase Lan as he began to wander off in a different direction. Chaud sighed and followed. Lan ended up bumping into a wall..... so it seemed. It was the same dog from yesterday. "H-hi.... uhh..." Lan took a few steps back as the dog growled "Don't worry, w-we're leaving..." he then ran off, leaving Chaud and Raika behind. "What's say we follow him?" Chaud suggested as the dog walked closer. Raika nods "Yeah...." and the two where off like a rocket. They soon found Lan in the same bakery as yesterday. He had a piece of pastry in his mouth. This time it was larger than the last one. It was actually a full one... whatever that means. Anyways, Lan brought the pastry over to the two and placed it down infront of them. "It's a little buuut..... we'll manage" Lan took a bite of the pastry, only to yowl out in pain "GAH! I WAS WRONG! WE WONT MANAGE" He whimpered. Chaud chuckled "Just let it cool down, then we'll manage, just like you said".

After a long while of waiting, Chaud and Lan began to eat the pastry, but Raika didn't. "Raika, what're you waiting for? Dig in?" Lan said to the Russian Blue, mouth full of food. Raika was silent. "Okay, fine, I stole it... but it was worth it" Lan just openly admitted to stealing. Ok. Cool. Don't steal, kids(Oh god without the comma that could turn unusually dark quick). "That's exactly why I'm not even taking a bite out of it...." Raika huffed. "Oh come on! Just because it's stolen doesn't mean - oh I dunno - that it's poisoned or something" Lan then procceeded to take some meat that was inside of it out and handed it to Raika. Raika looked and sniffed it before eating it. "See, it's nothing bad..." Lan then began to eat the pastry again. 'I mean.... it'll be fine, won't it?' Raika thought to himself as he took a small bite of the pastry. He deemed the pastry okay and began to eat it with the other two and in a matter of minutes, the pastry was gone. "Alright, what next?" Lan said, shaking as if he was drying himself. The other two practically shrugged, but they can't because they're cats. "Let's just have a look around, since there's nothing really to do as cats" Chaud suggested "And maybe it might help us get around here the next time we come". "If we ever get turned back into humans, that is" Raika added. "I'm sure we will, Raika! Now come on! Let's go!" Lan then ran off to explore, Raika and Chaud following. "At this point we're just going back to places we've already been...." Chaud sighs. "Hey, I don't exactly wanna get lost" Lan growled slightly "..... oh, hey... it's the fountain again" He then ran towards the fountain, allowing himself to sit on the wall thing idk what it's called. The other two did the same thing, but Chaud felt a little evil and had the urge to shove Lan in. He slowly raised a paw, but noticed Raikas expression as the eldest cat shook his head. Chaud sighed in defeat but decided to then get behind Raika and shove HIM in. "Chaud? Why'd ya do that?" Lan asked, giggling. "I don't know. I just felt like it" Chaud grinned in response. Raika growled and, with his mouth, grabbed Chauds front right leg and pulled him in. "Raika!" He yelled "What was that for!?". "Hey, you did it to me. It only seems fair that I do it to you, too" Raika gave Chaud the same grin he was wearing a few seconds ago.

They then noticed that Lan was gone. "Hey wait- where's Lan?" Raika asked. Soon, they heard footsteps - or should I say 'pawsteps' - coming closer. "Oh no..." The Angora and Russian Blue said in sync as they noticed what was about to happen. "CANNON BALL!" They hear Lan shout as the Havana Brown dives in, unfortunately landing ontop of the two. "Lan!" They shout as Lan gets off of them. "Sorry." He laughed. Chaud then charged at Lan and knocked him over. "Alright, fair.... " Lan got up and shook off, getting water all over Chaud, dispite the fact he was already soaking. "We should get going now.... plus, cats can't shake off as easily as dogs" Raika says, hopping out from the fountain and shaking off, the younger two joining him. Lan soon walked off, leaving the other two behind. He eventually found himself sneaking inside of some shop. As he entered, he saw all sorts of candy, ranging from bubblegum to rock candy. I mean.... He had wandered into a candy shop and boy was it large! Lan knew he would have to come here when he's human again. "Wow.... look at all this candy!" He gasped "This all looks so good!" Lans mouth began to water, but then he shook his head and snapped himself out of it "No. I'm a cat.... cats can't eat candy". Even though he was a cat, Lan decided to take a small look around until he reached a section that had a sign that read 'Pet candy'. " 'Pet candy'?" He tilted his head as he walked over to it. There, he found all sorts of pet friendly candy for all sorts of animals. Ranging from cats to birds, there was a candy type for everyone. "Woah... they do this stuff?" Lan made his way over to a basket with a picture of a cat on "This must be the cat section...." He then took one of the candies from the basket. It was in a wrapper, so Lan figured out how to open it with his mouth. Underneath the wrapper revealed a brightly coloured stick of what appeared to be candy especially designed for cats. Lan took a small bite of the candy and meowed happily at its strawberry taste. He eventually ate the whole thing. "Wait.... do I have to pay for all of this when I'm a human..." Lan gulped and fled the scene, leaving an empty wrapper behind. He eventually bumped into Raika and Chaud, who appeared to be covered in dirt. "We where looking for you!" Raika hissed. "I even got my fur dirty!" Chaud, too, hissed. "Oh come on! I mean, I recently discovered that Aurora has invented pet friendly candy!" Lan smiled, pushing past the other two "We have the rest of the day ahead of us, so let's go explore!" He ran off again. "Will he ever stop running off?" Chaud sighed, angrily, as he and Raika chase Lan. It soon got crowded, and the three had to stick together.

"We should head back.... it's getting a bit too crowded..." Lan says, almost stepping on Raikas paw as they where literally sticking together. "Yeah, but which way is back?" Chaud asks, turning his head to look around. "We had better not be lost..." Lan, without thinking, runs on ahead. "Lan! Wait! We're supposed to stick together!" Chaud calls out to his friend as he and Raika chase him..... again. The area started to get less crowded as they soon found Lan, walking around in circles. Chaud then tackles Lan for no actual reason. "Quit running off, would you!?" He yelled at the smaller cat. "I can't help it!" Lan yelled back, kicking Chaud off of him and getting up. Chaud began to growl and hiss at Lan before turning around and walking away "Let's just go home before someone gets hurt...." he says, taking another path back home. Raika and Lan are quick to follow him.

Once they arrived back at home, They quickly rushed to get through the door, but little did they know..... it wasn't open and they all..... went through it? It appears that Harmony had installed a cat flap and in a single file, they fell through it, Raika being the last one to come through. "Welcome back, you three" Harmony greeted the fluffy trio as they walked over to their bowls, which had food and water already in them. Lan was quick to dig in to his food, but Raika and Chaud just went off to sleep. "Hey wait...." Harmony stopped the two before they could go to sleep. "Hm? What is it?" Raika asked. "I got you these" She held out two collars that looked like the ones they had on already. This time, they had their names on them and, while it wasn't visible, it had a crystal inside that could allow them to communicate to humans and NetNavis, but also talk to animals, which they already could, as they where animals. She took of their current collars and placed the new ones on. Lan came over to see what was going on, as he was eating and wouldn't let Harmony touch him while he was doing so. "What's going on?" He jumped onto the sofas arm. "I just gave Chaud and Raika new collars..." She replied, getting out a third. This one was the same. Identical to Lans current collar but with his name on it and a crystal that allowed him to communicate to humans and NetNavis. Lan was hesitant at first to get a new collar, but soon he allowed Harmony to take off his current and put on his new. "Hey, you guys wanna explore some more tomorrow?" Lan pounced on both Raika and Chaud, sitting inbetween the two. "Let's have a day in tomorrow...." Raika moved away slightly to curl up and go to sleep. Chaud sighs, also moving away to do what Raika did. Lan didn't. Lan wanted to go back outside to explore but.... he couldn't. He decided to curl up on Harmonys bed and go to sleep.

Ronnie & Joe

Ronnie: still stalking mckenna Joe: what, we can't BOTH like music? Joe: that's gonna be problematic for me tbh Ronnie: mozarts ghost aint gonna possess him in the encore Ronnie: you can fuck off Joe: you can enjoy your night Joe: I'll take my chances Ronnie: take your chances somewhere else Ronnie: or you wont have any Joe: you looking out for me? Joe: not necessary, I promise Joe: you look like you got your hands full as is Ronnie: its a threat Ronnie: shouldnt be necessary Joe: my apologies for making you work harder but its still not cutting it Ronnie: [throws something at him in a dangerous manner watch out everyone] Ronnie: we can both be into cutting Ronnie: not a problem for me Joe: [when he's probably with his flatmate or similar like they will complain honey they basics lmao, meanwhile just like 😏] Joe: careful, people will think you care Ronnie: what fucking people Ronnie: your girlfriend Joe: for one Ronnie: muzzle your bitch or give her shit to sink her teeth into Ronnie: it aint complicated Joe: I don't think not glassing randoms is exactly rocket science either Ronnie: nothing random about you Ronnie: you fucking wish Joe: you want some projection with that Joe: I found you, remember Ronnie: wasnt hiding nancy Ronnie: not still a runaway kid Joe: then don't hide Joe: I weren't looking for you, alright Ronnie: bullshit Ronnie: you said there aint no other bastards Joe: I meant tonight Joe: this is just coincidence, nothing more Ronnie: leave then Ronnie: your buyers remorse is about as welcome as you Joe: hardly Joe: that's not what it is either Ronnie: they were all out of shiny sisters baby Ronnie: take what you can get Joe: I've already got one of them Ronnie: yeah Ronnie: i remember Joe: you don't want a refill then Joe: replace the one you tossed Ronnie: you on the spectrum or do you not wanna read social cues Joe: well I ain't leaving either way but if you don't wanna make the most outta it Joe: 👍 Ronnie: keep putting words in my mouth & see what happens to yours like Joe: what spectrum are you on if you think that constitutes a please and thanks Ronnie: take it up with your ma Ronnie: she wasnt about to teach me how to play nice Joe: not really her forte Ronnie: thats why im still waiting for my plane ticket home yeah Joe: possibly Joe: I don't know Ronnie: 💔 Ronnie: how olds your good sister Joe: jury is out on good Joe: but 14 so we'll wait and see Ronnie: ill fucking drink to that Ronnie: if she was a write off shed already be Joe: depends on your perspective Joe: I try not to have one Joe: [is at bar] Ronnie: depends on your mas Ronnie: we cant all be black sheep Joe: exactly Joe: they don't really get on Joe: but she's probably just dreading the PTSD a teen pregnancy scare will bring Ronnie: should have kept me around Joe: yeah Ronnie: 1 more abortion and your country would offer me a fucking exorcism Ronnie: fun for all the family Joe: some girls have all the luck Joe: would not believe how hard it is for a lad to get one 🙄 Joe: [just putting the drinks for 'em on their table, when Charlie probs gonna flirt with you like oh hey] Ronnie: your girlfriend will let you hold her hand for her 1st Ronnie: stop sticking it in your cello & youll knock her up in no time Ronnie: [just staring at the drink like you've never seen one before] Joe: come on, she's CoE if I've ever seen it Joe: abortions? sure, but exorcisms ❌ Joe: [tryna just walk off but you know they'd be like who are you hello?! 'cos annoying lmao] Ronnie: not in ireland anymore baby Ronnie: [when you walk off like where the fuck have you got to be my dear] Joe: [at least he's not gonna drop the bomb, just being vague af like oh we met once or whatever goodbye] Joe: you gone yourself? 🛫🍀 Ronnie: on whos 💰 Joe: idk, your pals maybe Joe: but I've fucked off so he can at least top up your drink 'cos its long gone too Ronnie: wanker Ronnie: [comes back and punches charlie love you boy] Joe: [just wait 'til you have your own mindblown with that crazy connection boy] Joe: ✊ Ronnie: [gives him the biggest fuck you look ever like I can't believe you typed that] Joe: [just loling a lil 'scuse him company its not at whatever you said] Ronnie: [comes over, ignoring everyone else obvs, to drink his entire drink and walk off again] Joe: [omg stop flirting you two, everyone like what is going on tbh] Ronnie: [dancing with charlie cos he don't take kindly to being punched but you don't wanna answer his questions either] Joe: [save it for later you nosy hoe] Ronnie: [when you see his poor flatmate going to pee and follow her intimidatingly soz bitch] Joe: [this poor girl is in no way prepared lmao] Ronnie: [thinking she's about to get mugged or murdered] Joe: [when you're 18 and its your first time away from home no doubt this poor girl honestly] Ronnie: you deffo she aint catholic Ronnie: could see her in a penguin house Joe: weren't a question on the flatmate icebreakers Joe: shoulda asked for some segregrated accomodation but thought londoners were meant to be post-religion post-everything so Ronnie: 💔 it aint god its you baby Ronnie: shes no londoner Joe: no, I do know that one Joe: she's from Kent, I think Joe: or Surrey? Ronnie: not holy holier than tho Ronnie: u Ronnie: never gonna please a horse girl mckenna Joe: 😏 Joe: I'll not go there then Ronnie: charlies fucking easy to please Ronnie: youve done the 1 drink minimum & youll avoid the pregnancy scare Joe: I think he's the one that does the pleasing Joe: so I've been assured Ronnie: gets him off dont worry like Joe: I'll sleep easy now, tah Ronnie: lullabies are shit but yeah Joe: 🤞 that ain't his encore either Ronnie: if it aint opening an artery to spray the crowd count me the fuck out Joe: I wouldn't hold your breath Joe: though might be more fun Ronnie: [dramatically holds her breath in his direction like kids do] Joe: [just watching 'cos weird and into it] Ronnie: [lowkey going purple probably because you know she won't stop til she hits the deck] Joe: [just watching 'til the last sec when you obvs gonna catch her] Ronnie: [giving him a look when he does like we have to stop meeting like this but then exposing his tattoo wherever that is cos gotta check that really happened] Joe: [I hope you didn't opt for your booty, lol, probably inner bicep moment or something 'cos not that bitch getting those out at any chance] Ronnie: [just touching it like you're not shamelessly flirting with your brother okay then] Joe: [just looking at her face hardcore 'cos you can pretend you're checking her tat too] Ronnie: [when you come back to yourself and remember you're supposed to hate him for being your brother so you push him away unnecessarily hard and retreat to your corner] Joe: [go off to the bathroom yourself boy] Ronnie: [french exit while he's gone even though it'll make Charlie more annoying] Joe: [have fun Joseph] Joe: you missed the bloodbath Ronnie: made my own Joe: safer bet Joe: on all counts Ronnie: safer for your girlfriend Ronnie: & you Joe: you know she ain't my girlfriend Ronnie: no shit you dont wanna claim that conquest Joe: wrong again Joe: not gonna bang my flatmate who pays the bigger part of the rent 'cos she gets the en-suite Joe: give me some credit Ronnie: shed give you some if you gave it up to her Ronnie: but if youd rather pay rent Joe: there's no way I can keep that going 4 years Ronnie: she aint hacking it Ronnie: you can fucking smell the homesickness Joe: its like, down the road init Joe: ugh Ronnie: & Ronnie: she cant fit her horse in the en suite baby Joe: 😂 Joe: true..I'll make some rich friends to move in when she gallops off into the sunset then Ronnie: theyll not slum it with you for 4 years Joe: but I'm so charming Joe: what's the solution then, sis? Ronnie: sell yourself or kill yourself Joe: 👌 Joe: already with ya Ronnie: yeah dead connected us Ronnie: 🖕 Joe: you're the only one that's allowed to be suicidal? Ronnie: oldest cunt gets dibs Ronnie: aint that how this sibling shit plays Ronnie: whatever you wanna do ive already done it Joe: half the time Joe: but the other half is youngest gets away with it 'cos they're cuter so Ronnie: cause theyre a crybaby Ronnie: yeah you can have that soft lad Joe: 😥 bit of a prerequisite for the suicide Joe: so generous Ronnie: i left you alive so you can do yourself in Ronnie: since youve got such a boner for it Ronnie: generosity begins & ends Joe: You can stop thinking about my boners then Joe: that'll be my attempt at the virtue Ronnie: put em away Joe: you tryna expose me Ronnie: you dont need my help Ronnie: flashers keep more hidden than you Joe: really Joe: don't seem like that's something that would bother you Ronnie: youre that special mckenna Ronnie: every fucking thing you do bothers me Joe: 💘 Joe: check facebook some more, I'll keep my events up to date Joe: can avoid each other easy Ronnie: nah you see me you walk the other way Joe: I got places to be babe Ronnie: yeah a&e Ronnie: if you dont get the fuck outta my face Joe: see, you're well about it Joe: I got it, yeah, we're not family Ronnie: were nothing Ronnie: & if thats what gets you off pay for it like the other cunts do Ronnie: not my 9-5 Joe: I found Soho by myself, don't worry Joe: we're good Ronnie: boss Ronnie: stay there Joe: more expensive than Sophie's horse that Ronnie: train her up to be whatever the fuck you want then Ronnie: 4 years in she could probably kiss with tongue like Joe: you gotta ask yourself why you care Joe: 'cos I know Ronnie: i dont have to ask myself fuck all Joe: deny it then Joe: works for me Ronnie: theres no need to deny theres cunts i wanna talk to less than you Ronnie: or i that i gotta have something to do while i wait Ronnie: 💘 Joe: you're all talk Joe: say no more Ronnie: fuck you Joe: yeah fuck me Ronnie: stick your therapy speak in whatever hole you reckon can take it Ronnie: ill reverse over your head before i submit to this psychology bullshit Joe: not what I'm studying Joe: or doing Ronnie: you reckon if you say im all talk itll get you some action Ronnie: dream on motherfucker Ronnie: i dont look like her that much Joe: bold assumption Ronnie: nah Ronnie: charlies more like a brother than you & ive done everything there is to do to that tosser Joe: bold to assume I'm half as fucked up as you Joe: spent long enough telling me I can't be 'cos I got a ma and now I wanna fuck her, okay Ronnie: wearing it on your sleeve aint you though baby Ronnie: saw your arm & yeah i reckon halfs about right Ronnie: but me at 19 wouldve left you in more pieces than that Joe: you must be proud Ronnie: what the fuck of Joe: your 19 year old self Ronnie: youd have liked me better at 9 Joe: alright but a nonce joke is hardly original Ronnie: neithers wanting to fuck your ma Ronnie: read a book schoolboy Joe: that's you throwing that about Joe: not one I ask the prozzies to act out tah Ronnie: what the fuck else was your lil challenge about then Joe: what was yours? Ronnie: i didnt fire any shots shithead Joe: not true Joe: i got the 🍒 to prove it Ronnie: fuck me youre that cunt Ronnie: 1 sos & i owe you my life yeah Joe: where'd you hear that Joe: what was it, needle not clean or something Ronnie: you dont need to wait for a death that slow Ronnie: fucking do it Joe: why do you do it Ronnie: why do you give a shit what i do Joe: interesting Joe: why do you fuck with your face like that Ronnie: too late to keep it pretty for you Ronnie: should have nancy drewed this shit earlier Joe: you ain't gonna answer Joe: alright Ronnie: cant we both like pain Ronnie: is that your problem Joe: 'course Joe: no monopoly on that shit Joe: its universal, so the books say Ronnie: bullshit do you read fuck all else but sheet music Joe: not no more Joe: but i can read more than scales, like Joe: have to write essays and shit sometimes Ronnie: fucking hell Ronnie: save this riveting shit for your flatmates Joe: she does art Joe: dunno what the lad does, he's out his room less than me Ronnie: horse cocks out of clay like Ronnie: bet shes the professors pet Joe: 🤞 she gets in an ill-advised affair with a pervy prof Ronnie: every other repressed white bitch has done it Joe: my home is safe Joe: hooray Ronnie: til i sleuth your address Joe: then its petrol bombs and dog shit, I know Ronnie: after theres fuck all left to steal Ronnie: 🤡s in films 🔥💸 Joe: and eat six year old's arms Joe: crack on Ronnie: i aint bitten any kids since i was Joe: I'm proud even if you ain't then Ronnie: raise the bar baby Joe: guess the other lad you were with don't technically count no more Joe: actual kids are that annoying Ronnie: kids get to be annoying Joe: lucky ones Joe: the ones that get to be kids Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: youll be born & die a saint Ronnie: such a fucking martyr Joe: when God comes a calling, you can't refuse, obvs Joe: guess that's what she gets for not aborting you, nice bonus for being good Ronnie: yeah Joe: likes a joke as much as the next Joe: gutted for her Ronnie: cant take the scouse sinner out of her however much irish catholic dick shes taken since Ronnie: 💔 Joe: if its only paddys in heaven, I'll lose the invite Ronnie: you better stay in purgatory then Ronnie: dont want you in hell with me Joe: you're just jealous I'll be too busy getting tortured by some other demon Joe: you're alright, anguishing over my wrongs for eternity sounds like a bit of me Joe: I can hack it, more painful than being sodomized with pitchforks or whatever weak shit you're in store for Ronnie: wanna see your cum face even less Ronnie: fucks sake Joe: 😂 Joe: shh, you already know he's got that sick sense of humour Joe: your own clockwork orange moment for eternity now Ronnie: 💘 Joe: you ain't nothing like I thought when I was 🔎🤔 Ronnie: cheers for the romantic cliche you pussy Joe: you're that special Joe: and welcome Ronnie: what did you reckon id be like Joe: like the rest of 'em Joe: complete the cliche Ronnie: fuck off Joe: what, I did Joe: there ain't a bigger compliment, honestly Ronnie: i dont wanna hear your compliments Ronnie: or how big they are Joe: 😏 Joe: you asked Ronnie: cause i cant resist hearing how fucking soft you are Joe: that makes you pretty fucking soft yourself then don't it Ronnie: fuck you Joe: back here, yeah Ronnie: back at get someone else to knock you out Joe: shouldn't be hard Ronnie: depends how hard you are Ronnie: could be a turn on or off Joe: either way, its incentive for them to go harder Joe: can't lose, me Ronnie: enjoy yourself baby Joe: never Joe: if I lose my overwhelming urge to die what have I got Ronnie: new overwhelming urges Joe: won't be that good Ronnie: write it in your diary i didnt ask for your review Joe: you can do that you know Joe: they've all got profiles, like they're a shit local pub or something Ronnie: what a fucking state Joe: won't miss it when I'm in pugatory Ronnie: if i had a shot for every time you cried your eyes out id miss that Joe: you'd miss having a liver Joe: and functioning braincell Ronnie: didnt mean that kind of shot shithead Joe: your aim is for shit, true Ronnie: or that one Joe: ahh Ronnie: you had me at dirty needles 💘 Joe: s'worth being alive for, then? Ronnie: what the fuck waste of a question is that Joe: why? Ronnie: what do you think Joe: reason I'm asking Joe: if its just another slow way to kill yourself then I'm sound but if its more than that then its a potential for the repertoire Ronnie: if it was id have taken a faster way out Joe: its noted Ronnie: why do you wanna die Joe: its not even Joe: I ain't actually sad, soz to burst your 😥 bubble, IOU some shots, whatever Joe: just wanna turn my head off, not have to participate Joe: deal with any of it Joe: but saying you wanna be put in a coma doesn't quite have the same punch Ronnie: underline that note then Joe: yeah? Joe: not like I've never thought about it Joe: think about it a lot, hence the need for a fucking switch Joe: how cliche to look like I'm doing it to spite her though, eh? Ronnie: whatever you take now thats strawberry flavoured childhood bullshit Ronnie: youve found your prescribed dose of working adult medicine Joe: it don't touch it, not worth taking unless you wanna down half a blister at a time and have a decent kip Joe: get me some and I'll pay you 20% for your trouble Ronnie: come over Ronnie: told you im waiting Joe: alright Joe: if I ask for your current location do I give away that I'm not a decent stalker Ronnie: youve fucking shown that card bitch Joe: figured Joe: be obliging then Ronnie: [a location of who the fuck knows where cos we don't need Charlie or Bronson there for this excuse you lads] Joe: [when you need some privacy for your bonding] Ronnie: [when you need some privacy to shoot up your half brother who you ain't even told your other fam about] Joe: [fun and games] Joe: cool Joe: 🤞 i'm there just after the heroin Ronnie: get here before or ill be in no state to keep obliging you Joe: I'm yet to be initiated, my timekeeping skills are 🔥 Ronnie: give a shit about your cv Joe: I'll be there Ronnie: your loss if you aint Ronnie: dont come crying to me Ronnie: i wont hear it for fucking ages Joe: i'm not an idiot Ronnie: it dont matter who or what you are Ronnie: stopped listening after the ill be there Joe: 💘 Ronnie: get it tattooed next yeah Joe: yeah Ronnie: over the real fucker Ronnie: cause you love a cliche Joe: 'course Joe: have to find another dickhead with a gun though Joe: that one did not know his left from his right Ronnie: get what you pay for baby Ronnie: & we didnt Joe: touche Joe: I'll forgo accuracy for that Joe: and the dirty needle, obvs Ronnie: getting to put his hand on my tit will blow the brains he has like Joe: 😏 Ronnie: but if i toss him off thatll get shit back on track Joe: hot Joe: love that you have a plan Ronnie: cute Ronnie: you reckoning im pure chaos Ronnie: not your manic pixie dream skank Joe: ain't planning on being a composer Joe: least not now Joe: don't need to write about you Ronnie: 💔 Joe: make up your mind Ronnie: you aint on my mind mckenna Ronnie: dont get your balls in a twist Joe: do you wanna be on mine or not Ronnie: i know whats on yours Joe: same Joe: makes a change Ronnie: compose a song about your confusion then like Joe: less cliche than a love song Joe: still Ronnie: do it from the pov of the horse Ronnie: be a hit with your flatmate Joe: you just wanna get me stalked Joe: paybacks a bitch, yeah Ronnie: wanna get your habit paid for before you start it Ronnie: throw her a boner Ronnie: whats the fucking drama Joe: i don't fancy her Joe: nor having the convo about where all her moneys going Ronnie: & Ronnie: i dont fancy the cunt with the tattoo gun Ronnie: got fuck all to do with it Joe: & Joe: you're lowering standards, not getting anything up Ronnie: close your eyes & think of gear Ronnie: youll do anything for a horse like that Joe: let me try it first Ronnie: dont need to hear about your trust issues baby Joe: better stop talking now then Ronnie: yeah Ronnie: shut the fuck up Joe: [you know when its like 'removed message' that] Ronnie: 🖕 Joe: what Ronnie: i cant cut your sense of humour out Ronnie: cant live with it Joe: no funny business Joe: just a buttdial Ronnie: charlie aint here but adorable that you 2 homos hit it off Joe: just scousers gotta stick together or did you know him from back home Ronnie: he didnt give you the rundown Ronnie: mustve made him speechless mckenna Joe: too busy trying to work out how I knew you Ronnie: we grew up together Ronnie: & the mime standing next to us Joe: cool Ronnie: nah Ronnie: fucked Joe: I mean that you still know 'em, talk to 'em Ronnie: we aint trying to throw our family away for a new one Joe: like I said, s'cool Ronnie: like i said hes gonna eat that shit up Ronnie: you fawning over his family set up Joe: good to know Joe: not really my type either, call me fussy Ronnie: fucks sake Ronnie: join the god squad now & save yourself the 12 steps Joe: 'cos I don't wanna do a bloke or my horse girl roommate Ronnie: cause you only wanna do your ma Joe: you can't just give me dud options and come to that conclusion Ronnie: we playing fuck marry kill now Joe: not playing nothing with you Joe: cheater Ronnie: crybaby Joe: you'll 😥 when I have to kill your mate Ronnie: you wish Joe: making people cry is your thing Joe: I don't need to fight that claim Ronnie: like you aint been wanting to save me again since the 1st time Ronnie: thats your thing yeah Joe: save you from what? Joe: smack? obviously not Joe: other self-destructive tendencies? try again Ronnie: it obviously dont matter Ronnie: id never seen you & id still never seen a cunt more excited to do a rescue Joe: and I'd never seen you Joe: maybe you'd got all kinds of fucked up 'cos of all the shit I dragged up Joe: basic decency ain't nothing to get excited about Ronnie: i know how to self soothe im a big girl now Joe: didn't need you self-soothing yourself to death on my conscience Ronnie: didnt ask you to give a shit Ronnie: catholic guilts best left at home baby Ronnie: youll never find a place with the cockneys Joe: about myself? Joe: its barely but hanging on by a thread Joe: soz Joe: dead girls fuck you up Ronnie: not your type either then Joe: ultimate type Joe: don't wanna commit right now, tah Ronnie: 🤞 i od & you can finally sort your misery boner out Joe: too giving you Ronnie: im dead i aint giving a shit Joe: put that on the headstone Ronnie: pay for it you write whatever cliche you want Joe: you want a classy picture affair Joe: got it Ronnie: stop getting me Ronnie: it makes me wanna blow my brains out Joe: its obvious you wanna be seen Joe: no spooky sibling connection required Ronnie: fuck off Joe: what's better than ruining a graveyards ambiance for the mourners for the forseeable Ronnie: theres no room in the ground soft lad Joe: they just chuck you in with the old bones Joe: or 'move' them Ronnie: hot Joe: mhmm Joe: plague pit is the way to go Ronnie: fit the horse & the girl Ronnie: how fucking romantic Joe: that's me Ronnie: ill put john in the 💘 for you baby Ronnie: your ma robbed you blind of so many lennon comparisons Joe: still time to be pretentious with soph Joe: fuck off getting out of bed for good Ronnie: smother her with a pillow & fuck her corpse youll be feeling peace & love Joe: 💎🍓💘 Ronnie: playing with emojis & yourself aint getting you here Ronnie: hurry up Joe: can't make you any closer Ronnie: 💔

i love u guys so much ty

puttin this under a cut though cus it will be long!

The Killers are one of my favorite bands of all time. like. i adore all their shit so much. and most people only know them from "mr brightside" but like. EVERY album of theirs is fan fucking tastic. and Brandon Flower's own albums of the stuff he did solo is really good too.

Imploding the mirage is a fucking incredible album. and one of the songs features K.D LANG so u KNOW its good.

its hard to say what my favorite songs of theirs are cus i really love all of them so much. Dying breed. The Man. Battle Born. All These Things That I've Done.... those are probably some of my all time favorites.

and like i know this is something the kids say all the time, but Brandon Flowers gives me major gender envy. like. i wanna be him so bad. but like in a woman way.

AND like.... have you seen the music video for "just another girl"? because.... you should. (but it will only make sense if you watch the other music videos for the killers. it doesnt need to make sense to be good though so still watch it). here, i'll give you the link to it. just watch it. WATCH IT. i am begging you. https://youtu.be/3BwzP1laWkQ

I'm also a really big fan of Summer Camp. I've been listening to a lot of their stuff lately.

their album Beyond Clueless was done as the soundtrack for a documentary about coming of age highschool films. that alone should tell you everything about their vibe you need to know.

(the documentary, btw, isnt good. so dont watch it. but definitely listen to the album)

Romantic Comedy is also a good album of theirs. I hate how much i like You Complete me. that whole album is sappy in such a lonely way. Condale is probably my favorite album of theirs though, but honestly every album has so many good little songs.

they're not a very well known band, so PLEASE check them out. i dont know how to sell you on them but i think if you havent heard of them before you should hear The Fighters, and Down. and if you like those songs, you'll probably like the rest of their stuff as much as I do.

LET'S TALK ABOUT BAT FOR LASHES CAN WE PLEASE????

I loooooove Bat For Lashes. Natasha Khan, the singer and songwriter, is just such an incredible story teller through her music. all her albums have so much lore to them. and her music sounds like. idk. this sounds dumb but its like the music you'd hear a ghost sing.

speaking of ghosts, the album The Bride is one i actually didnt like at first, but its grown on me a whole lot. its all about a woman who'se husband dies in a car crash on the morning of their wedding day. its like... sad, obviously, but im giving you that context because that context is what made me like the album way more. gave me a new way to listen to it.

Don't listen to that album first though. Listen to Lost Girls. that album is about women who join a vampire clan. ITS GOOOOOOOD. The Hunger and Safe Tonight are AMAZING songs please LISTEN to them. please.

The Haunted Man is probably my favorite album though. just because it has the most of my favorite songs.

If you're still reading this, im sorry, i dont wanna overwhelm you with music recs. i'll try to speed past through these next ones.

Innouwee is VERY good? so why has nobody heard of them? Listen to the album Ghosts and Shadows. its short, and its all good. every one.

YLHCSD (you love her coz she's dead) is.... VERY difficult to reccomend. i gotta warn you, its nothing like any of the rest of these bands. its like. very heavy electronica. i dont think anyone will like it, but i really like Superheroes and Nowhere To Run To. if you're just starting out though, you should ease yourself in with Lilya Forever or Softer Cell, before you ruin your ears with the rest of their music.

Iiris is very good. If you were like me in middleschool, and got really into Kerli, you'll love Iiris. The Magic Giftbox is an amazing album, but the rest of her stuff is kinda hit or miss. i still think all her stuff is very good sounding.

Dum Dum Girls should definitely be your thing if you liked my Summer Camp or Innouwee recommendation. Too True is such a nice Album! and that doesnt sound as glowing as my other recs, i know, but i mean nice in like. just laying down staring at the ceiling kinda way. like the music is so good but so easy and relaxed. its nice. Trouble Is My Name is probably my fav song of theirs.

And finally i just wanna talk about Italians Do It Better.

no, its not a band. and its not a genre. its more like. an umbrella that a bunch of very similar bands are all under. and they all have a very similar style. I think Johnny Jewel is their main guy. he does great work, and he's composed a lot of original scores for a bunch of those freaky art house type films. and usually those movies he composes for will use music by other artists under the Italians Do It Better umbrella.

The main band, that some of you might actually have heard of, Chromatics, are... SO good. if that name doesnt ring a bell, then the song Kill For Love might... maybe.... if not, still listen to it. They have a BUNCH of albums, and they all have a bunch of songs on them, so it'll take a while to hear all their best songs, but definitely listen to Move a Mountain, On The Wall, and Twist The Knife.

Some more of the best of Italians Do It Better includes Desire and Heaven. But they have fewer stuff, so you only have to listen to Saturday, by Desire, and Truth Or Dare, by Heaven.

OKAY that's it. im done. i wont recommend any more bands to you guys (i didnt even touch on all the vaporwave i listen to, you're welcome).

Thank you for indulging me. i feel like nobody has ever listened to my favorite bands and i'd love if more people would listen to them.

How long did it take you to write "but first we'll live" and how long do you think it'll take you to write the one you're currently writing right now? I'm curious because I love your writing and I want to get into writing myself so I wanna get an idea :)

gOd “but first we’ll live” was A Struggle, it’s the one i’ve struggled with the most out of all my fics, i started with it almost 2 years ago, but abandoned it like halfway through so it was just sitting there in my drafts for an entire year, so without counting that year i’d say it took me about six months tbh, it was the one that took me the most time, bc it was such a hard fic to write and idk why, maybe bc i was never 100% sure about the ending, and i had all of the boys in every scene to focus on and sometimes i wrote 2k of ot5 interaction and then read it over again and realized it was useless to the plot so i deleted it all again, it was SO HARD to write that one honestly ;-; im proud i finished it, but at the end i think i finished just to have peace of mind rather than bc i actually figured out how i wanted the entire plot to end so im still kind of frustrated about that one.....

im rambling lmao im so sorry!!! it didn’t use to take me that long to write fic tho, the oneshots usually take me a day, maybe a weekend if there’s a proper plot, i wrote some in about 3-4 hours and there were others that took me 3 days, it totally depends on my motivation/inspiration and at what time of the day i write lmao, if i can write in the middle of the night everything flows better for me. tho it’s always different, like, for “everything stays but it still changes” it took me about a month bc i wanted to do proper research about christmas traditions in ireland and i wanted to get it right, so when there’s research to be done it always always takes me more than a week at least.

and about the peter pan narry au im currently working on, well...let’s say it will take me another week at least to finish it, i think (i hope), it’s been going well, i’ve got 2k that i wrote in about 4 hours the night after i watched the movie (bc i have never seen it before), and those 2k have like, the basic scenes i want to write, i still need to read it over and add details to make it flow better, but being completely honest the last time i opened the doc was on the first week of january i think, bc i’ve been having a rough time with life lately, and i start uni tomorrow so i wont work on it again until next weekend, which is when i think i’ll have it proper finished.....i ramble too much im really really sorry omg....to give you a proper answer, this new fic has so far taken me about a week, if you sum up the days i spent on it when i got the prompt, and i hope to work on it this week too before uni gets hectic again, so i’d give it a guess of 2 weeks total for this one! 

when it comes to things like these, when i had to actually watch the movie, or when i have to take days on proper research (like with “let me put you back together), it always takes me longer than a couple hours and it’s mostly bc i feel insecure about whether it is accurate or real enough, i doubt myself way too much and that makes it harder but also makes the feeling after posting them so much better, more worth it, i guess, i love writing, and im sad i dont do it as often as i used to, but it’s something i always enjoy and i hope you do too!!! writing is great, absolutely amazing, even if sometimes it takes longer than you expected, it’s always sooo very worth it at the end, tbh not even just at the end, sometimes you write a lil paragraph that makes u feel proud or you finally figure out the scene you felt was missing. it’s a wonderful process and i LOVE it all

Carly & Ali

Carly: heard from drew? Carly: long shot Ali: Ha, good one Carls Ali: God no Ali: he's AWOL? Carly: yea Carly: gimme calebs number? Carly: longer shot Ali: 'Course but doubt they're chillin' Ali: and he might act like saying his name invokes him to pop up like a demon but you know Ali: Have you spoken to Meena? Surely he's keeping her in the loop Carly: shes not picking up Carly: to me Carly: same as my mum and dad Ali: That's not like her, she's probably just busy, keep trying Ali: As for your 'rents, where have they gone? And why do you need Drew so urgent? Gah, sorry, so many questions Ali: Just go with this one, are you okay? Carly: ive been trying ages Carly: shes not on spanish time idk why she cant answer Carly: idk wot to do Carly: how do i get it to stop ?? Ali: Spain's only an hour ahead of us anyway, not an excuse Ali: I'm 8 hours ahead and I've managed Ali: get what to stop babe Carly: the crying Carly: i cant think Carly: its all it does Ali: You've had the baby Ali: how long ago? did you go to the hospital? you need to if you haven't, like now Carly: what Carly: why would i go there Carly: its over with Ali: Because you both need to be checked over Ali: its really important Ali: have you birthed the placenta? Is it all out? If not you could die Ali: Never mind if there's anything wrong with the baby Ali: Call a cab and give me your deets, I'll transfer the money now Carly: that alien shit Carly: yea Carly: it screams healthy Ali: that is a good sign but there could be something you're missing, maybe that's why its screaming? better safe than sorry, they're not allowed to ask you about shit unrelated, so if you're high, sober up and then go, yeah? Ali: When did you last do a feed? Have you been able to? They'll show you how, it can be tricky Carly: id scream if i was born here Carly: gonna be stuck Carly: sober up? i need more Carly: shit hurts dont need to tell you Ali: They'll give you stuff at the Hospital Ali: why do you think anyone goes? Ali: and fo free baby gurl! please Carly: i cant Carly: gotta be hear for when my mum rings back Carly: & drew might come Ali: Give me your mums number and I'll tell her where you are Ali: then she can ring the hospital and they'll let you know Ali: I bet Drew has a key, no? Ali: Leave a note Carly: he left it when he went Carly: threw it at me Ali: Oh bab Ali: I'm sorry Ali: but you gotta focus on you Ali: and the baby now Ali: Not him, he knows where you are Ali: I can text him if you want, or try to call Ali: I swear nothing bad will come out of it Carly: but its his Carly: and i am Carly: he should be here Ali: But he isn't Ali: maybe he'll come back but you gotta keep going 'til he does, alright? Carly: i need to find him Ali: Not right now Ali: next step Ali: he's not lost, he doesn't want to be found Ali: i know that's harsh but its the truth Ali: he'll come back when he's ready, alright? Carly: what about me Carly: im not ready Carly: he doesnt care Carly: why should i Ali: he cares about himself Ali: AT LEAST do that Ali: if you can't the baby then the people at the hospital will help with that too Ali: you can't just leave it Ali: boy or girl? Carly: its a girl Carly: another one Carly: hes gonna be mad Ali: I don't think he's salty about not having a male heir babe Ali: If you really won't go...I'll do my best to tell you what I know and I'll send you links Ali: we'll do our best health check and then you've got to try to feed her, yeah? Is that okay? Carly: mad that shes here Carly: i said i wasnt having one Carly: you want me to read? cant hear myself think Ali: But you were Ali: and if you were doing it without protection then he was fully aware it was a possibility Ali: I'll voice memo you then Ali: it'll stop the crying Carly: he says its not his Carly: maybe not Carly: idk Carly: its got blood on it but could look like him when thats gone Ali: He said that to me when it definitely was so kind of his go to Ali: but even if it isn't, doesn't mean he has to be a dick to you about it Ali: Its not right regardless Ali: Especially not when you're alone Carly: how do i make it sleep Carly: im tired Carly: should i sing? Ali: That might help yeah Ali: Skin to skin to, that's comforting Ali: Lemme break down how you feed it, yeah? Hold on Carly: i cant pick it up what if i drop it fuck no Carly: gotta stay where it is Ali: You won't Ali: its your baby, its safer with you than it is on the floor Ali: get a towel, that'll keep it warm and put it to your chest Ali: [Sends 38 sec video] okay, if that's easier this vid shows you how but I'm here to talk you through Carly: all the towels are wet Carly: it can have my tshirt thats warm Ali: Good idea, see Ali: you know what you're doing Ali: you've got this Carly: its too small Carly: i have to put it back down Carly: ill hurt it Carly: fuming about me coming near it Ali: She's just hungry and confused Ali: Understandable, right? Dunno about you but I'd be pretty fucked off too if I'd just been pushed out my nice comfy home of the last 9 months Ali: You'll be her best friend in my time at all Carly: id put it back if i could Carly: whyd you wanna do this 3 times Ali: 'Cos I'm a bossy bitch and I want underlings to do my bidding and I get to tell 'em what to do Ali: speaking of, time for your masterclass Ali: get her and get comfy on the sofa or your bed or wherever is bed Ali: best Carly: k Carly: shes heavy wtf Ali: That's good! You did a good job cooking her then Ali: and if she's a lil chunk, this should be easier Carly: shes small but im sleepy Ali: you can both take a snooze when this is done, usually conks 'em right out Ali: is your tiddy out? Carly: knew you fancied me Ali: you know Ali: getting in there while your defenses are down Carly: im single Carly: you too Ali: Lets do it mama Ali: cutest fam ever? i think so Carly: shes not cute like yours Carly: weird coloured thing Ali: she's probably covered in the gunk and pink from screaming her head off Ali: no ones finest hour i bet she's beautiful Carly: ill get it to take a selfie Ali: yay! get it on the nip 'cos i gotta see my boo too 😍 Ali: line her nose up with your nip, kinda tickle her top lip with it, she should open her mouth wide Ali: then you can shove it in Carly: done that before Carly: weird Carly: [Sends pic of tiny baby Indie] Carly: does she look like him idk Ali: Definitely Ali: Looks a bit like Edie Carly: ill send him the pic Carly: probs should take a better one Carly: how do i look? Ali: Like you've just given birth Ali: so a goddess Ali: but a knackered one Carly: youve got a fetish Carly: cant trust that Ali: me??? Ali: didn't impregnate myself Ali: look at Caleb! Carly: and drew Carly: wont see him Ali: Clearly its his thing too Ali: but he's more about the before than after yeah Ali: he can't stay away forever Ali: he wouldn't leave Meena Carly: youre smart Carly: if i go there he cant avoid me Ali: Exactly Ali: Camp out Ali: Ana will help you with the baby shit if you like Carly: why Carly: she doesnt know me Ali: Because she's a good person Ali: plus she's a social worker, it what she do Ali: and she knows Drew better than most, she raised him Ali: worth a shot Carly: shes not his mum Carly: but she can take this kid Ali: yeah she's better than Ali: is that what you want? Ali: she'll discuss it with you, make sure you both get what's best Carly: im not talking to her Carly: she can take it or not Ali: No one will just take her with no questions asked Carls Ali: for your welfare and the kids Carly: im not answering a social workers questions Ali: They're not entitled to judge you Ali: She won't Ali: and as far as drugs are concerned, if you want to give the baby up then literally none of their business at all after that Ali: and if you did decide to keep her then they work with you Ali: they're not gonna just shop you, it ain't like that Carly: make me go to rehab is how its like Carly: fuck no Ali: They can't make you Ali: there's no point Ali: you can only get sober if that's what you want Carly: my mum and dad'll make me Carly: i know theyre gonna Ali: well, where the fuck are they now? Ali: if they're so concerned about you they'd be here Ali: actually supporting you Carly: theyll come when they find out about her Carly: i never told them Ali: Good, I hope they do Ali: but how did that happen Ali: how could I see and they didn't Ali: or Drew Carly: they dont come back Carly: drew did see thats why he left Ali: yeah but they must talk to you Ali: your mum has obviously been there how did she not clock something being up Ali: and not soon enough in Drew's case Carly: i call them if i need money Carly: they gotta think its why im calling now Ali: When do they call you? Carly: if i call and they didnt pick up Carly: unless theyre busy Ali: I see Ali: how's she doing? done feeding? Carly: sleeping Carly: how are yours? Ali: best feeling ever, right? Ali: much the same, its late here Ali: I'm pulling an all-nighter lowkey, finishing up some work Carly: i miss junie Carly: whatever your on for it gimme some Ali: i'd be creepy and snap him sleeping but no doubt the flash would wake his highness Ali: he misses you too, i'll get him to facetime Carly: aw Carly: go work bitch Carly: i shouldnt kept you this long Ali: don't be daft Ali: queen of multitasking Ali: and not just junie who misses you is it Ali: #massiveLESBIANcrush Carly: my tits are gonna go down Carly: snap me up now Ali: Trying, like Ali: make it facebook official Ali: that'll get the lads attention ey Ali: why else do it Carly: yea Carly: my parents too probs Carly: lapsed catholics Ali: be on the next plane over to get you back on the dick like Ali: i'll get on it #longdistancelesbians Ali: my ex gonna be so mad Carly: mine too Carly: wtf am i gonna do Carly: I dont want him to be an ex Ali: even though he's fucked you over like this? Carly: i fucked him over first Carly: i lied Ali: not really Ali: if anything, you lied to yourself Ali: but you didn't wanna hear it, couldn't Ali: and that makes sense Carly: cant block it out any more Carly: fuck Ali: it gets really real really fast Ali: doesn't it Ali: but you have got this Ali: i've got you, however i can, yeah? Carly: i dont want it to be Carly: i dont want it Carly: i cant do this Ali: okay, that's okay too Ali: but she isn't going to just go Ali: whether it was getting an abortion earlier or what you have to do now Ali: you have to do something Ali: there's no quick fix for it Ali: ana can get you in touch with the right people who will make it as easy as they can for you and her Ali: or my mum Carly: if i leave her she'll get found Carly: why does nobody ever call me back wtf Ali: Yeah but they'll still try to find you Ali: or Drew Ali: and his DNA will be on the system so Ali: and I reckon if they got to him, he'd sell you out Ali: when's the last time you slept? Carly: idk Carly: what day is it Ali: Tuesday Carly: sunday Carly: saturday Carly: idk Ali: fuck girl Ali: you shoulda been banking up on it before Carly: ha Carly: easy fix Carly: need my dealer Ali: not if your gonna be breastfeeding Ali: unless he gonna bring formula too Carly: i can go myself for that Carly: get a car Ali: you getting enough cash in, yeah? Carly: ha no Carly: no student loans for this bitch Ali: you'll have to look into getting help with that Ali: there's funds and shit, i'll find out the info Ali: that or tap Drew up for child maintenance Carly: yea cos hes declaring his earnings Carly: i wish hed talk to me Ali: exactly, bribe him like Ali: he's got a lot to lose Carly: hed never forgive me Carly: i cant Ali: but you can forgive him for all he does? Ali: got it bad honey Carly: yea Carly: its fucked Ali: is there anything he could do to make you stop loving him Carly: idk Carly: why Ali: cos you'd be happier if you didn't Ali: right Ali: like, he treats you like shit Carly: i wasnt happy before Carly: & he hasnt this whole time Carly: it got bad Carly: me too Ali: but you could be Ali: you don't have to give up hope of ever being Ali: and he did for the majority of the time though, that should outweigh the good Carly: with what Carly: this kid Carly: im not you Ali: no Ali: of being happy Ali: with just you Ali: or someone else who treats you better Carly: i dont have a job or friends here and i live in a caravan Carly: not gonna happen Ali: you can get both Ali: you're cool Carly: ha Carly: youre dreaming Carly: fucked the allnighter Ali: i'm not the only one Ali: and why not? Carly: drew says im a junkie Ali: what does he know Ali: and anyway, functioning junkie Ali: shits possible Carly: he knows me Carly: he loved me til i fucked it Ali: you haven't DONE anything Ali: a baby happened to you BOTH Ali: you're both reacting, right or wrong now, whatever Ali: and he probably still does but Ali: love ain't always enough Carly: why are you my friend? Ali: I said, you're cool Ali: funny, smart, nice, you already know i fancy you so no need to kiss arse any more, yeah? Ali: you're SO friendable, babe Carly: shoulda fallen for you Ali: yeah well, the tragedy of being straight and feelings not following logic Ali: sometimes, you gotta fuck feelings tho, do right by yourself Carly: i dont feel anything when he isnt here Carly: nothing happens Carly: cept today Ali: make stuff happen Ali: its only chaos darling Carly: youre not here either Carly: what am i gonna make happen on my own Carly: this shit Carly: idk Ali: what do you wanna make happen Ali: anything, however unlikely you think it is Carly: i want him to come back Carly: my parents too Carly: but none of them are Ali: can't control other people nah but you can do all YOU can to make it happen Ali: what would make him come back? who would he wanna be with? and you can try to talk to your 'rents and tell them what is up...longshot but maybe they don't realise how shitty they're being Carly: they're not Carly: theyre busy Carly: and im not a kid Ali: busy with what? Ali: living it up in spain? Ali: they kept you, you're their kid for life Ali: they don't get to peace at 16, 18 whatever the fuck Carly: they didnt vanish Carly: i know where they are Ali: yeah but they should be here rn Ali: you need them Ali: maybe if you ask, when they answer, they will come back Ali: i'm not slagging on 'em, its just facts Carly: i dont want to go live in spain Carly: fact is theyll try and force me Ali: well, they can't make ya, tell them why you wanna stay here Ali: they could still be supportive Ali: even if they're not physically with you every day like Carly: they wont let me stay for him Ali: okay...make something more parent friendly up then Ali: what they don't know won't hurt 'em Carly: youre so smart Ali: so i've been told Ali: with varying levels of sarcasm Carly: yea Carly: same Ali: You are though Ali: One of the many reasons we get along Carly: youre such a mum Carly: bigging me up like Ali: s'what i do best right Ali: shoulda been a cheerleader, fucking irish schools not letting me shine Carly: thats what schools do best Carly: be shit Ali: true dat Ali: even if my uni is pretty swish Ali: and full of nerds like me Carly: looks it Ali: still, miss the homeland like Carly: switch places Carly: shes crying again what does she want this time Carly: headfuck Ali: think its a bit too early for her to have shat, maybe wee but Ali: probably wanting her next feed Ali: you do it roughly every 2 hours for the first month Carly: ffs Carly: howd you get anything done with 3 of them Ali: ask myself the same question Ali: luckily they're not all on the tit 'cos form an orderly queue lads Carly: not getting my tit out again Ali: its that or formula run to get her to stop crying Carly: i cant put her in the car Carly: she'd fall out Ali: that solves that then honey Ali: get 'em out get 'em out get 'em out Carly: perv Ali: 🤷 Ali: single mum, gotta get my kicks where i can yo Carly: get fucked Carly: not offering Carly: one of the nerds would be up for it Ali: no need to tell me Ali: desperation station Ali: bless 'em Carly: do you go to class with your shoulders and knees out Ali: its boiling here, not even trying to be a shameless hussy Ali: can't be swooning erryday, got places to be, shitty bums to wipe Carly: yea Carly: cant steal that excuse myself Ali: sadly not Ali: can use breastfeeding though Ali: you're just out here feeding ya kid, looking hot as a by-product, fight me world Carly: don't Carly: how is this happening Carly: im looking at her and idk Ali: i can't believe you did it all by yourself Ali: you're a right tough nut Ali: but you don't have to keep doing it alone Carly: but i have to do something Carly: wtf Ali: yeah, keep both of yas alive until you figure out your next step Carly: make it sound simple Ali: 'course Ali: i'll allow you some melodrama but i can't claim hormones as hard Carly: u can Carly: and homesickness Ali: alright, lets have a good sob Carly: this kids done enough Carly: has you beat bitch Ali: rude Ali: already winning fresh out the womb Carly: what you naming it Carly: said you would Ali: you're serious? Carly: idc Ali: probs think on that a bit longer, whether you wanna name her or nah Ali: but my lists be ready don't fret Carly: k

Drew & Carly

Drew: Carly Drew: I need to come over now Drew: On train Carly: k Carly: how long? Drew: idk does it fucking matter Drew: 40 mins ish Carly: i gotta clear out so yea Drew: alright Drew: do it then Carly: i am Carly: whats wrong with you? Drew: got some bad news Drew: need to get fucked up you may as well be there Carly: k Carly: ill make you feel better Drew: ha Carly: trust me boy Drew: no Drew: trust no bitch Carly: everyones out Carly: see im good to trust Carly: keeping my word Drew: tah Drew: don't invite anyone else round Drew: i don't want to fuck Carly: i wont Carly: this about her? Drew: You're jealous of Ro? Lmao, you have NO idea Carly: im not Carly: im asking for you Carly: you dont wanna fuck what else we gonna do cept talk Drew: i said Drew: get wrecked Drew: don't act like that's not what you want too Carly: k Carly: forget i said it Drew: least of my worries Drew: forget about it too Drew: doesn't mean anything Carly: yea Carly: getting that from you Drew: don't be weird Drew: don't need it today Carly: youre gonna get what you need soon Drew: i might need to hide for a bit Drew: cool? Carly: yea Carly: whenever you know Drew: good Drew: can't go back to my flat for a bit Drew: might need to move on Drew: not sure yet Carly: k Carly: for good? Drew: Yeah Drew: bridges burned, nothing here for me now Carly: they gonna come here? Carly: what you want me to say if theyre looking? Drew: Nah, nah Drew: not that Drew: Christ, I'd already be dead, that's where I've been past few days Drew: you're fine, you don't have anything to worry about Carly: Good Carly: can I come there? Carly: ill miss you Drew: I'll come back Drew: My sister will still be here Drew: we can hook up Drew: better get a new dealer for day to day tho Carly: yea Carly: fuck Drew: soz Drew: might not come to that Drew: idk what's going on Carly: what can i do? Drew: Idk, you know a good contract killer? Carly: all my contacts talk and talk Carly: whos fucking with you? Drew: no one Drew: but that's about to change Drew: you want a list? Carly: no Carly: i want you to feel better Drew: why do you care Carly: you make me feel good Carly: who does that for you? Drew: no one Carly: let me Drew: leave off Drew: i'm not in the mood Carly: anything you want Carly: when you are Drew: you're all the same, even the ones of you that front otherwise, makes me laugh Drew: tell you to have some self-respect but doesn't make a difference in the end Carly: im not hurting over this Carly: laugh it up Drew: oh, i am Drew: you're all jokes Carly: if youre trying to fight with me ill go there Carly: idc Drew: go on then 😂 Drew: what could you possibly say to make my day any worse Drew: I'd LOVE to know Carly: why do you want me to? Carly: none of your beef is with me Carly: hit up whoever else Drew: 'cos the last thing i want is that lovey dovey bullshit from you rn Drew: you said I could come to hide Drew: if you've changed your mind say Drew: don't waste my time Carly: its not Carly: you're good to me im trying to do the same Carly: if thats a waste of time its of mine Drew: no, i'm not, Carly Drew: that isn't what this is, or has ever been Drew: we use each other for personal gain, that's it Carly: yea you give me what i need Carly: let me do it for you Carly: stay here Drew: alright Drew: but that's all I need Drew: just the caravan Carly: k Drew: i only need a few days, alright, get my head fucked, then straight again Drew: i'll be out your hair asap Drew: and i'll stay on the sofa, just ignore me best you can Drew: you can keep people away for that long, yeah? Carly: yea Carly: ill put the word out now Carly: itll be sorted when you get here Drew: cheers Drew: i'm sorry okay Drew: know its not ideal Drew: got nowhere else Carly: youre welcome here whenever Drew: i don't get you Drew: none of you Carly: you know whats up Carly: personal gain Carly: i need some bad Carly: the good shit Drew: why not pay for it Drew: you have enough money Drew: what you saving for? new shoes? Carly: i got the sack Carly: whats it matter Drew: 'course Drew: nothing, nothing Drew: i wouldn't want to be anyone's bitch, that's all Carly: k Drew: 'bout 10 mins away Drew: im gonna take some in toilet Drew: can't wait Carly: dont be too greedy Drew: you'll get yours Drew: i'll do what i like Drew: my fucking drugs Carly: dont cry Drew: don't take the fucking piss Drew: you ain't paying Carly: i know Drew: had enough dealing with fucking junkies Carly: dont call me that Drew: what, grown a backbone? Drew: its what you are, darling Carly: if you wanna stay then don't Drew: might take my chances tbh Drew: doing my head in Drew: women Drew: know your bff had her baby? Carly: no Carly: she isnt my bff Drew: now, now, you're not exactly surrounded by offers Drew: though you will be taking back the flowers when you find out Carly: why would I care? Carly: nothing to do with me Drew: is with me Drew: still apathetic? Carly: fuck who you like Carly: youve wanted her for years Drew: well i got her now Drew: 25 to life Carly: thats why youre hiding Carly: she doesnt wanna play happy families Drew: yeah Drew: doubt caleb does either Drew: or her brothers and dad Drew: like i said, list is long Carly: she'll change her mind when she can't do it alone Carly: open arms for you Drew: no she won't Drew: she's not like you Carly: im not like her Carly: never having kids Drew: you shouldn't Drew: state of Drew: the way you go though you won't have choice in the matter Carly: piss off Drew: i'm serious Drew: never make me use protection Drew: doubt you do any other punter Drew: you need to take better care of yourself Carly: its none of your business Carly: im not gonna drop another kid on you Drew: yeah that's what I reckoned with Ali too Drew: like I said, don't trust any of you Drew: especially you Drew: my business when its mine Carly: its not happening Carly: you can go back to not caring Drew: No, I can't Drew: don't you get it? This has changed my entire life Drew: I've gotta leave my home and everyone I've known because Drew: even if I don't step up, she's still my kid Drew: she's not going away Drew: I've not got my head stuck in the sand or up my arse like you Drew: you'll get this rude awakening one day too, mark my words Carly: stay and be a dad Carly: theres no-one in your way Carly: and she's going to uni it'll be a part time thing Drew: Oh yeah, what a dad I'll be Drew: drug dealer with nowt else to offer but gear and a bit of dirty cash Drew: whatever she says, she won't want a kid 'round that, i fucking wouldn't Drew: and Caleb will always be in the way Drew: fuck that Carly: she cant stop you Carly: neither can he Carly: and she will want the kid to have a dad Carly: nobodys is decent Carly: be around Drew: Can if I'm a criminal Drew: they'll just dob me in when they're sick of having me hanging about Drew: it'll have a dad, she knows she's got him Drew: don't need or want me Drew: can't hack it Carly: go straight Drew: now why would you tell me to do a thing like that Drew: no more drugs for you if I'm stuck stacking shelves for a kid that calls him dad and not me Carly: youre not the only dealer, goldie Drew: i repeat, what's in it for you Drew: why you care if i'm around if i'm not funding you Carly: i wanna help you Drew: what about yourself Drew: who helps you Carly: whoever deals in your place Drew: you'll get hurt Drew: shouldn't mess around with people like that Drew: like me Carly: i can handle it Carly: nothing to matter to you Drew: s'not true Drew: you might be stoned enough to pretend you don't give a fuck about anything Drew: but i'm not a monster you know Drew: christ Carly: im not saying you are Carly: but don't pretend you care Drew: shut up Drew: of course i do Drew: i don't want you to get killed or beaten up every day 'and numbed out by the hardest stuff Drew: i only starting dealing to you so you wouldn't go to someone else Carly: its not gonna be that Drew: what's it gonna be? you'll knuckle down, get a job, get some friends, only do a bit for fun on weekends? Drew: that's not what you're doing, not where you're headed Carly: i can stop whenever i want Drew: you can't Drew: if you think you can then you're more gone than i know you are Drew: can't bullshit me on this, i have your tab, remember? Carly: fuck off Carly: im not a junkie Drew: yes you are Drew: and on the off-chance you aren't Drew: you certainly act like one Drew: do you think all girls fuck me for drugs? maybe once for a club drug but this is years now, as often as I'll let it happen Drew: and I shouldn't have but Drew: yeah Carly: don't drew Carly: dont come here either Drew: Carly Drew: I'm sorry Drew: I won't Carly: keep your sorry Carly: i wanted you ok Drew: i know Drew: i've known for a while, longer than i'd ever admit Drew: what else can i say? Carly: nothing Carly: dont talk to me Carly: stay away Drew: but Drew: i want you too Drew: i do Carly: no you dont Drew: i fucking do Drew: i just want to stop Drew: stop helping you kill yourself Carly: im not going anywhere Drew: you will Drew: everyone leaves me Carly: ive got nowhere to go Carly: this caravan is it Carly: and i cant leave you im not with you Drew: but you are Drew: you're constant Drew: you'll either get better and realise you're better than me like Ro and Ali and my own sister Drew: or you'll fuck off to be fucked up somewhere else like my mum Drew: or worse Carly: im not them Carly: im not trying to be better than you i know im not Carly: youre so good, drew Carly: i dont wanna be anywhere you arent with anyone else Drew: i'm not Drew: i'm bad but i can't stop Drew: i don't know how Carly: not to me, you've always been good Carly: looked after me Carly: you said yourself you wanted to protect me Drew: but Drew: i still gave you drugs and i call you horrible things and Drew: only see you when i wanted to, when Ro wasn't around or whatever else dirt I was pulling Carly: i ask ill stop Carly: im not scared Carly: i want you more Drew: its not your fault Drew: do you mean it Drew: will you try Carly: yea Carly: ill be better Carly: treat you better Carly: let me and youll see Drew: how do you want me Drew: i'll do whatever you want Carly: I just want you Carly: I love you Drew: I love you too Carly: be here now Drew: 🏃