#idk if im phrasing myself right. but i just think we need to have a little faith in the writers
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I feel like such a broken fucking person lol
I talked way too much in the tags don't read them
#fighting off the ideation like my life depends on it!! bc it does!!!#been good about not thinking certain phrases but F U C K am i feeling it. i want to turn into a pile of dust#i am so desperately trying to work on myself and change my patterns and bad habits and perspective but it feels like i always fall short#i try not to talk about it online but I'm just. having a very hard day with N because we experience our feelings in different ways#i isolate myself bc i struggle with regulating my reactions and tones when im having an episode but she needs me to talk through things and#i sometimes just. can't. bc I'm not done experiencing the negativity and am not in a place to have a productive convo bc shame spirals etc#we just spent a long time talking and being patient and i thought i was understanding and explaining myself well but i just. idk.#i don't know how to explain that of course i love her even if I'm isolating myself. of course i love her although I'm nonverbal today. i jus#t can't *make* myself talk when I'm like this i don't want to be nonverbal i don't want to isolate i don't want to be a distant partner i do#n't want to fall back into these patterns related to my grief i want to be better i am trying to be better i am working so fucking hard on#being better. i just feel so defeated bc this all spiraled from me not wanting to decide what to get for lunch n using a poor tone about it#I'm about to talk with her some more but I just. kinda don't want to exist right now. fuck dude. it feels so fucking awful when i upset her#like i love her so much she is so important to me and it breaks my heart that our entire day is shot bc i was tired and cranky#i just don't understand how that equates to me not loving her bc she is my whole world dude. I'm going to throw up#i also don't know how to explain to her that scrolling on tumblr is comfortable to me I'm not ignoring her it's just the SM that i scroll on#like we're hanging out watching tv together I'm gonna scroll a little bit. it's just not insta or anything#idk my mind is scrambled I'm crying I just want to be a better person who can calmly communicate my thoughts and emotions#today has just beat my fucking ass dude. i isolate so those feelings don't get translated into my interactions with others#i don't even know what i typed in these tags I just don't want to off myself or think about it I'm fighting myself so much 2day#rAMbles
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some of the ways y'all talk about buddie on here is. sure something.
i've seen so many people cry "queerbait" and similar sentiments and i'm just????? we must be watching different shows or something. 911 has a beautiful, canon queer relationship in the main cast, so we know they're willing to show them and write them in a realistic, beautiful way. and idk some of y'all are so up in arms about buddie not being canon yet but like....you do realize that part of storytelling is anticipation from the audience, right?? you do realize that storylines that are rushed to please the fans are never on the same level as storylines that take their time and bloom on their own, right???? you do understand what a slow-burn is, right???????
idk i just. i think as a whole the fandom needs to take a step back and trust that the writers know what they're doing with this. we're not here to fight and complain about this show, we're here to enjoy the ride. maybe we should let ourselves do that.
#swinging a bat at a hornet's nest and all that but. idk i think y'all gotta keep in mind#that storytelling takes TIME.#and it takes time for things like this to bloom naturally within the story.#which is what i WANT. i dont want buddie getting thrown together in a half assed storyline that pleases fans.#i want their arcs to naturally develop to bloom together in the story. i want it to be NATURAL.#and idk. i think if you're patient for things it can pay off.#i'd rather wait a few seasons and get a beautiful natural conclusion to their slowburn than get a half assed one off in a single ep#idk if im phrasing myself right. but i just think we need to have a little faith in the writers#winter speaks#911 abc#buddie#<- hesitant to put this in the tags because y'all might come for my ass but whatever. Whatever.
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I give too much advice to adults who are dedicated to acting like children and not wanting to understand ppl theyve decided to hate for no reason.
#like why do i extend my arm when you're just a bully with a woke coat of paint to justify your actions lol#like plenty of the posts i reblog say- just bc you dont like something or in this case SOMEONE. doesnt mean you have to find a secret#reason theyre somehow problematic to justify your dislike of them. sometimes you can just dislike ppl for dumb petty reasons even#id rather you just be honest that thats the reason instead of being a manipulative fuck making me think theres some secret other reason im#doing what im doing and if i dont listen to you then it means i dont actually want to be progressive or whatever. bc we both know thats not#the reason you're doing this. we both know you're just doing this bc you like to be a bully and found a woke way to do so.#we both know you dont actually care about me changing bc if i do listen to you and change. there will be a new expectation that i didnt#successfuly fill. thats just how ppl like yall work#thats just how bullies who like to see themselves as progressive are#i say like to see themselves as bc i see bullying as inherently a rightwing thing. and obviously if you're not being a disingenuous fuck rn#you know i mean genuine bullying when yoy bat someone around like a cat for not living up to your expectations#not calling ppl out for their genuine obvious shitty behavior#these are two different things and ik manipulative bullies who larp as progressive ppl know that but seems they wanna convince us theyre#the same so they can keep batting people around. please get a hobby. please find a new way to entertain yourself#oh and please for the love of fuck go to therapy bc no one does that shit other than when they feel inadequate themselves.#idk if you've noticed but i like never feel the need to bully people. idk why but i think its bc i love myself and i love being weird and#eccentric and not fitting anyones specific standards. idk. its more freeing to mot give a fuck what other ppl are like#and trying to change their behavior somehow someway to be more palatable to what youd like.#and maybe bullying isnt right wing but its definitely not progressive. sorry for not having the perfect phrasing ik its horrible#im just so terrible for not phrasing things the way you want i know.#ik a lot of the stuff about narcissists and bs but the shit about communal narcissists is what ppl like this remind me of#purely in it for the aesthetic. to look progressive and cool and diverting from the norm. but shits on anyone who might threaten their role#even if theyre just imagining theyd someone how threaten their role in this. oh and of course they only give af about shit to look good#which is why when you do something that doesnt fit the Aesthetic Of Progressivism then automatically you're kicked out and not progressive.#bc ppl who are 'communal narcissists' for lack of a better term. have set the standard that its how leftist you *appear* than what you do#or what you believe.#i wish we had a better term for this bc i think this a useful observation. i jst dont wanna throw ppl w personality disorders under the bus
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im not the same anon as earlier but help ur grades are amazing 😭😭 im sitting psych and english in october and can i ask what ur study schedule or method is like? how early did u start studying + what did you do?
HII thank you soo much!! i worked my arse off for those stupid grades 😭 i’ll put the tips under a cut, i really hope they help, and good luck for october!! u got this <3
find out what time u study best at!! i somehow trained myself to become a morning person (naturally i am nocturnal LMFAO) but during study season i usually wake up 4-5:30 or something. it feels so much better getting to 10am and u have the whole day in front of u and you’ve done most of the things u need to do, but that’s just me!! i have friends who worked best from like 11pm - 4 am
pomodoro technique — excellent for my adhd ass brain. i genuinely thought this technique would never work for me, avoided it like the plague, and then used it during a study group session w friends and Love it. (i use the flora app btw!! i feel too bad to kill the little plant so i always study to the end 😭) i recommend the usual 25 mins, 5 min break but it’s up to u <3
FLASHCARDS!!!!! i cannot stress this enough flashcards genuinely saved my ARSEEE especially for psychology!! i always phrase mine like a question, so that if you get something similar in the exam it kind of jogs your memory? anyway. for psych i do not recommend remaking notes, i went straight from class notes and the textbook to flashcards, and repeated them All The Time
past paper questions!!!!! unfortunately the education system is fucked and doesn’t want us to learn for the sake of learning, they want us to be parrots so!!! really recommend past paper questions.
for english literature (i’m assuming you’re taking literature and not language?? idk anything about language past gcse level i’m sorry 😭), i wouldn’t recommend writing out essay after essay; plan a bunch of past papers, write maybe one paragraph per past paper question. ummm idk if u guys have to include context and critical interpretations because i believe that differs with exam board, but we did, and i used flashcards for those too!! (also. please make sure u know the text 😭 even vaguely knowing quotes helps so much bc searching for them in the exam takes so much time)
for english my friends and i also used to time ourselves — fifteen minutes per paragraph so that you weren’t going on too long about one point, and you weren’t wasting all your time on one question.
study groups!! this is ONLY if u work well with other people if u know ur gonna get distracted then please don’t do all the time 😭 also for things like english study groups r sooo helpful because a lot of the time, other people will bring points to the table that u have never thought of (and u can do the same for them!!)
EAT WELL!!!! SLEEP WELL!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m so serious . if u don’t do this then nothing will go well. idgaf what time u sleep because maybe you’re more productive at 1am - 4am, but make sure ur getting ENOUGH sleep. and don’t skip meals. pleaaaaseee don’t skip meals.
i also used to use a lot of mindmaps for english, for themes / characters / context!!
for psych i also used to do blurting — writing as much as i know about one topic, going back and adding everything j missed in a different colour <3
OKAY that is allllll i can think of right now!! if u need anything else pls slide into my dms or jump back into my inbox i am happy to help !!! good luck with exams bb i know ur gonna crush them 💗💗💗
#asks#anon#study tips#sorry idk how helpful this was because. exam boards differ and stuff.#OBVIOUS DISCLAIMER this is what worked for me it might not work for everyone
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I was just randomly thinking back to before i peaked and reflecting on my mindset. I just ramble on here so idk if this is going anywhere but here i think its interesting. It makes me wonder abt how at least the well meaning TRAs think....
I dont think i knew what terf meant. I dont rememeber if i knew if it was an acronym or not, but i remember simply taking it to mean 'someone who is transphobic'
I remember being unsatisfied with the takes id see on feminism online from other people, i wondered if there was anyone willing to critique things like makeup. I thought the eyeliner jokes were stupid and bothered me for reasons i couldnt articulate.
EVERY time i saw a good feminist take, a couple days later a post would go around saying 'sorry guys that post was made by a terf! Make sure u block and delete.' Which i didnt block them but id delete the post.
The previous bullet would happen, but another thing was that some of the people i followed would post one of those femenist takes that seemed really good, like it had some depth to it. But theyd never get a terf callout. I went on the original blogs of those posts, and saw the 'terfy' things they would have on there and be like....so no one is catching this huh. Its worth mentioning that, i could identify which ideas could be clocked as terfy, however it didnt pay it any mind because i didnt truly think the ideas were harmful. I just avoided them.because thats what u were "supposed" 2 do.
This previous 2 points happened one 2 many time and i remember thinking to myself, "how come every time i see a feminist take with some depth or a critique on our current culture that seems to have some nuance or critical thought, its always from one of these 'terfs'? Nah i gotta go see what these terfs are up to cuz this isnt making sense." In my mind i was like, how could the transphobic people be having well thought out feminist takes? Something isnt right here.
Even though probably nodded along with "trans women are women" i didnt take that phrase literally at all. I think in my head i just made up some shit like, oh it just means to acknowledge transwomen as regular people like women, theyre just people. Idk how i jumped there...i think maybe it was because someone taking that phrase literally was so absurd to me i didnt even entertain the thought of that being the meaning.
Now im here. And theyd call me a terf too. Honestly, i think ive always thought this way, but i couldnt really put it into words cuz i didnt have a need to. We werent relegated to arguing abt basic reality.
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I'm very excited for Last twilight and for the interviews and behind the scenes. I know P'Aof takes the preparation of his actors for roles very seriously and i want to know what he will tell jimmysea to do and what homework will he give them (to watch queer cinema as he asked nanon to do to prepare for pran??? to watch the way he looks with you know what scene??? better not to think about it too much..) and I'm like. excited to hear jimmysea's thoughts about all this? Does it make sense? I loved to watch vice versa bts (even tho they were undeservedly short 😔) and i love inside vice versa! And i want to see what P'Aof will say about jimmysea. I like to learn about the internal processes of filming and what problems the team is facing and what they think. I wish they would reveal at least something because they have meetings for lt but the only content we saw from it was two pictures Sea posted on twitter and thats all! But maybe it's because they don't even have script yet 🤔 (i saw this on twitter. P'Aof said it somewhere but idk if translation is accurate. I thought he already wrote the script and now just some adjustments needed but maybe i was delusional..)
OH i think i did see the tweet you're talking about, anon!! it's this one, right?
so my thai is abysmal and you shouldn't really trust me with it, but i watched the video (like a hundred times just to try to understand this one single phrase but whatever im fine it's fine im chill) and if im not mistaken p'aof does say "yang mai dai lohng nai dtuua(?) bot" which i think it can be roughly translated to "did not write down in the script itself yet". also i saw other translations from that user and i trust them!!! (then why did you bother trying to understand it yourself, one may ask. the answer is mental illness sfjksgjf)
im not gonna say that the idea of having to wait longer than we expected for last twilight isn't making me want to go drown myself into the ocean because i'd be lying if i did, but i also want p'aof to take all the time he needs to make this story come to life. i want this show to be a masterpiece, not only because it's a jimmysea project and (i apologize for the pettiness) i would like for people to recognize how fantastic they are, but also because it's a story about a MAIN character who is disabled, so if i have to wait a whole year for it THEN SO BE IT (she says as she takes out the wine to cope)
HOWEVER I AGREE WITH YOU SO MUCH ON BEING EXCITED FOR INTERVIEWS AND BEHIND THE SCENES AND WANTING TO KNOW MORE ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!!!! i still have SO MUCH BEEF with GMMTV for giving us such short bts videos where they basically showed us NOTHING for vice versa, however i have faith in p'aof (and how enamoured he is with jimmy sfjksgfj): during the GMMTV 2023 reaction video he already gave us TWO great stories about jimmy while they were filming the mock trailer, so i hope we're gonna get way more of this once they do start filming!!!!! JUST LET US BE PART OF THE PROCESS!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!
#ALSO YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT LET'S JUST NOT THINK ABOUT HOW JIMMYSEA ARE GONNA PREPARE FOR THESE ROLES OR IM GONNA NEED TO BE SEDATED#IM STILL GONNA NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM THO#also fun fact: my sister actually collaborates with an association that makes audio descriptions for visually impaired people#and they have a massive library and a constant influx of requests!!!#so i hope they can include something like that in the show!!!#and now im forcing myself to shut up or i never will#you know that post that's like: you get kidnapped and they're gonna let you go only if you can talk about something for ten minutes#YEAH THAT'S ME WITH VICE VERSA AND LAST TWILIGHT EXCEPT IT'S MORE LIKE TEN HOURS#last twilight#m: ask
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i actually really kinda like this guy... but ee he he he eee h eeh eh e he he hh he um.. just like... eeeeh.. he broke up w his gf of 2 years like last fucking month and still lives w her. but it like weirdly doesnt bother me. and ik im like... just like... would just be like a rebound.... lol.... but... um... well.. maybe its okay XD maybe i dont want to or need to decide if anything srs will come out of it and and i can just focus on the fact that i have a cute silly little crush that brightens up my day and and and he said he likes me too. at least i think he did, it was phrased weird. but also that like its not that srs bc of the obvious circumstances. but like is it all that bad if we're on the same page.. as in like maybe i dont even need or want anything specific. but just like... keep hanging out.. fuck idk. all of my friends say its a bad idea but wouldnt it be a bad idea only if.. we were looking for diff things... but we arent.. necessarily... right now at least.. fuck idk. like im fine w this not being srs rn. i think. aagh. its not like that deep i dont have like that deep feelings, we've been texting for around only a month every day nearly all day and just met up yesterday for the first time. he invited me to meet up again too. he just makes me giddy and jolly and i love crushes and to have someone that makes me nervous and excited for stuff and life. i guess i dont actually have to decide anything rn, let it figure itself out naturally. i just feel very comfortable around him which is fucking weird bc i usually am TERRIFIED of men. but uhh eeeeh i might be getting myself in a .. sticky... situation.. bc idk what if i fucking catch actual feelings idk.
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today was alright for most of it then it took a turn for the worse later on lol
ben came home from work after another attack of Sad (he walked throug the door crying + stayed sad for a few hrs, i think the length of sad attacks are lessesning which is good), i am kind of at a loss as to how to help tbh bc it's so out of my remit to be like super sad after the end of a big social thing like as ive said before im fully delighted to be back to my normal life + am waiting hopefully until i can take all the wedding cards down to be honest!!!
like genuinely if anyone has any ideas on how to combat the "post-wedding blues" (as google calls it, but i think that's such a gross phrase lol but just like "emotional hangover after extreme life event that you've been planning for over a yr etc etc) pls do feel free to message either anon or not idc. i have tried to be as helpful as i can be but i think people with similar experiences might be useful bc i cannot state enough how pleased i am it's all over lmfao
later on we went on a pokemon walk and it REALLY went downhill later bc (boring pokemon go stuff incoming) my daily incense lured a fucking articuno, insane, then it ran away after one throw (with a golden razz berry AND an ultra ball) and i was just like :| then like half an hr later we did a raid w/ our friends jelly + hali and i didnt catch the pokemon with 16 fucking balls it just jumped out every single time. it was unreal. i used a golden razz on every single throw too. the others all managed to capture it as well which tbh only increased my rage
like i know its just a game obviously lol but it was just really fucking annoying lmao i was so incensed i just went mute for half an hr or whatever and ben (who had cheered up by this point) was just like shall i leave you alone for a bit :) and i was like yup :|
THEN we were gonna watch x files in bed bc ben loves it so we went to log into my disney+ and it just would not work, ben found the saved pw on his firefox, wouldnt work, i got them to send me a login reset with a 6-figure code, i input the code they sent me, they were like "that's not the right code"! and it was just. oh my fucking gOPFDGJKFDKJKJGFDJK ben found it elsewhere in the end
idk man im worried about ben + feeling fed up myself + just generally feeling like :| fuck you pokemon go for real i just needed them and you wouldnt let me have them
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get to know me game (˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ୧ ‧₊˚ ⋅ ☆
tagged by the cutest! person! alive! : @loves0ft
tagging:♡ @evenofmyday ♡ chatoyervictoria ♡ junez ♡ yukicrossu ♡ @pssionfruits ♡ @guhara ♡@soulazul ♡ @un1over ♡
birthday: november 9
favourite colour: lavender and periwinkle
do you have pets?: no but my sister has a dog named nikko. we look after him sometimes, so that's the closest i have to a pet
how tall are you?: like 5'4?
how many pairs of shoes do you own?: that i regular wear, 3. i have a few more but i never wear them
favourite song: atm big flirt by lil hero and it's a wrap by mariah carey ft mary j blige, shooting star by xg
favourite movie: i dont watch movies. but lol i'd have to say white chicks or rush hour
who would be your ideal partner?: i feel like that closest would be, if you know who stephanie soo is, her cousin dan dan 🤭🥰 that type of personality i love. i could spend the rest of my life with someone like him
do you want children?: i keep going back and forth with it. idk. i feel like i need to be in a serious relationship and be married to have a final answer
have you gotten in trouble with the law?: lol does running a redlight count?
what colour socks are you wearing?: orange with lighting bolts
favourite type of music: pop, kpop, rap, old school reggaeton, the old mexican music every parents likes, like marco antonio solis, stuff like that. ig ive been listening to more bandas too.
how many pillows do you sleep with?: i use a body pillow as a pillow... i used to have pillows but idk what happened to them, and i keep putting off buying pillows
what position do you sleep in?: my sides or fetal position. im trying to force myself to sleep on my back bc i heard that good for you, but i sleep better on my sides/fetal
what don’t you like when you’re sleeping: i takes me a while for me to sleep. or when i'm about to fall asleep my leg fucking jolts and im awake, so thats a recent thing thats been happening to me sometimes
what do you have for breakfast: i don't usually eat breakfast. but if i have something, its usually a match iced tea / iced chai tea latte from starbucks with something from their bakery
have you ever tried archery?: in school for gym class... i fucking sucked at it. but on wii sports... i'm the baddest bitch
favourite fruit: starfuits, cherries, strawberries, mangos, peaches, kiwis, mandarines 🤤
are you a good liar?: yes? no? idk ig i am
what’s your personality type?: idk, bc every time i take that damn quiz it always changes!!! like how can ive gotten intp, infp, enfp, istp, isfp like?!?!!?
innie or outie?: innie
left handed or right handed?: right
favourite food: sopes!!! or pupusas!!! fuckin loves those
favourite foreign food: i love thai food. everything ive tried is just sooo good. ughhhh!! Phở too!
am i clean or messy?: hehe i say im organized messy, but ppl say im clean. bc i am but the only thing that i have that is 'messy' is my bed, bc i never make it... and even that isnt messy, but my mexican parents say otherwise
most used phrase:
how long does it take for you to get ready: depending. when i work at the school, about 30-40 minutes. but when i work at the clubhouse, about 10-15 minutes.
do you talk to yourself?: hehe yeah
do you sing to yourself?: only when i'm alone or in my car
are you a good singer?: i dont think so. id say average but i dont sing in front of anyone to know if i am
biggest fear?: idk, i feel like anything if i overthink it. heights?? but i like rollercoasters... but i'll get dizzy if i look over the second floor of a mall... going to the top of the willis tower made me dizzy. the deep ocean 😳
are you a gossip?: no, but ppl tell me gossip so i hear it regardless
do you like long or short hair?: both are nice
favourite school subject: english or social studies. art
extrovert or introvert: introvert
what makes you nervous: having ppl look at me. i hate making eye contact with ppl. but like if im ordering something i will look at the cashier, i'm not a dickhead. just hate looking at ppl or ppl looking at me in passing, especially when im driving
who was your first real crush?: this guy named martin in first grade. i thought he was cute. lol but apparently we dated but i NEVER spoked to him or had a class with him. sooo... idk how we dated, but a classmate of ours told me in sixth grade that we did, and that threw me off, bc like i said, i never spoke to him. lol so i technically cheated on him like three times without knowing... sorry man
how many piercings?: seven atm. i wanna get my collar bones and maybe like one more ear piercing but idk what yet
how many tattoos?: none yet bc i still live with my parents and i feel like they will kick me out if i do
how fast can you run?: idk i dont have a reason to run. id say average??!??
what colour is your hair?: dark brown and blonde. im forcing myself to grow it out bc i fucked it up too much. wigs have been helping me fight the urge but i still wanna dye it!!!
what colour are your eyes?: dark brown
what makes you angry: those fucking bright led headlights!!!! i hate those things. that shit shouldnt be legal, its distracting, and i will bash your lights you dickhead
do you like your name?: i used to hate it bc i make me think of old white ladies but now im okay with it. i like my middle name or the nicknames my nephews used to call me when they were first starting to talk
do you want a boy or a girl as a child?: idc but i have i strong feeling that, if i do have kids, my first one will be a girl. idk why but i'm calling it
what are your strengths?: i'm a good listener, i have a good patience
what are your weaknesses?: i get annoyed easily
what is the colour of your bedspread?: white
colour of your room: white
#if you dont wanna be tagged let me know!#sorry it took me sooo long to do!#i keep procrastinating#tagged
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Hiii Art!! How have you been and how's your work/studies whatever it is that you do. Good? Eh? Well mine's kinda on a dry and wet mode rn lol.
Mind if I rant here?
I have 2wk worth of exams coming up and I have no motivation to study. I honestly regret taking up the course im studying for. I mainly took it up because its lucrative and helpful in today's economy. But honestly I should have just pursued 14yo Lyfie's dream to become a nurse. It wouldve been so much more rewarding🥲🥲🥲.
Anyways despite that im just praying my gpa doesnt go down the drain, and im gulity right now because i wasted the whole day doing nothimg even though i told myself to go study. I couldnt do it. I just......well i knew what i was doing was bad but everytime i looked at my notes i felt as if i knew them all, and in the end achieved nothing. Sigh i hate myself for how repetitve this unhealthy cycle has become. Parental pressure isnt helping either. I try ranting and they say its just momentary tiredness and it would go away soon and then further guilt me into wasting time :((((.
Wow that became long. Im so sorry for litterally trauma dumping on you, especially if tou had a long day. It would be the last thing you'd wanna worry about 😂😂😂
Anyways i wanted to ask you about your writing, both as a fellow fic author and as loyal reader of yours. What inspires you to write?
(I.e set time aside to write your fics and even feel motivated to open up that document? I have so many plot bunnies, headcanons and fic ideas, but no matter how enticing, everytime i try opening up my google docs, that burst of excited energy saps away. Urgh its so frustrating!!😠)
And for your fics, we had possible teases of engagement btwn jk and oc and even f2l hopelessly pining jk and oc. So i was wondering will we ever get a confession scene 👀👀👀?
I rmbr when jk ssid somewhr in an interview where he would love to lift his partner up and kiss them and my mind went str to the in which couple lol knowing your writing and since its jk its gonna be so cute cheesy and gonna involve tears 😇.
Funny enough i also know that both oc and jk are heavy on respecting e/o be it space or privacy, and when i heard Twice MISAMO's Do Not Touch song which was about consent and it was potryaed beautifully compared to art masterpeices, it got me thinking about their initial stages of skin ship or how they got comfortable around e/o physically or even their first time. Idk im just so invested in this universe lol 😭😂
Hmmm, but thats it for now. I'll reach out to you soon!!! :D
-Lyf
hiii lyf <3 work is draining and some customers are rude but my co-workers are fun to be with so it’s alright 🥲 uni also started this week and it’s nerve wracking but also soooo exciting !! i’m just gonna need some time to adjust to this new life + schedule 😬
i’m so sorry to hear that beloved :( i’m sure with the given the circumstances that you chose what you thought would be best for you at that time and i think it’s important that you recognize that too !! 🫂 and yesyes studying is so freaking difficult especially when you don’t feel motivated >:( for me personally time management has been pretty helpful. i love schedules ^^ sometimes i do house chores first to get my brain into work mode too and i give myself little rewards during break times (which are sooo important) or after studying hehe like snacks or screen time !! please look after yourself and your health. 🥺
dw i’m mostly fine with you guys ranting about stuff like school !! because same !! but i’m just putting it out there that when it’s abt triggering stuff i have to restrain myself 🥲 i don’t reply to those because it really affects me badly mentally too :(
hmmm when it comes to inspiration to write 🤔 like i said i do love schedules hehe i open a draft every night before bed + in my notes i also save words/phrases/scenarios that pop in my mind throughout the day but couldn’t write yet :D but i don’t really get to write everyday bcs i’m too tired or nothing just comes out. sometimes i only write one sentence or one paragraph then pass out lol. on a good day i finish one scene and maybe start writing the next too !! a jungkook weverse live will always 100% give me a big rush of motivation tho 🤭
and i doooo want to explore the earlier stages of oc and jungkook’s relationship 🥹🥹🥹 i have many many plans !! but i just want them to be perfect so it might take me a while </3 this is still a long journey if y’all are up for it hehe thank you so much for being invested in our little iw universe !! 🥰 it truly means the world to me that i get to enjoy my passion like this :") ilysm lyf 🫂
#omg yes i think about that interview all the timehdkdjkf like he is such a romantic!!! i get so giddy when i remember 😭#art’s post office ☁️#lyf <3
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was this chapter happier? yes. did I cry anyway? no shit.
“It’s deserved, even, all this burning, if he were to be finally honest with himself, and he doesn’t flinch when the fiery water hits his face.” well, i hope it’s not a projection this time cause mike in this chapter reminds me of.. myself during my depressive episode🧍🏻♀️it’s my turn to self-project
“I’m not doing this anymore. I can’t.” i don’t think i said it last time but bc see mikes pov i kinda forget that will canonically is/was in love with mike. and he was trying to push his feelings away during this 4 years. maybe even longer.
“Max steps forward to violently punch Mike in the arm” love that max didn’t hug him. not her style at all
““Seize the day,” Dustin claims, and opens the door, the winter air creeping in.” did dustin become fan if dps or he just learn latin phrases for fun?
“All he has is a bare basement and a sinking feeling in his stomach. He feels vaguely sick.” just stopped to say it’s beautiful
“It stings when he confesses, “I miss you.”” well that was the first time i crying reading this chapter
“When Will returns, he has a styrofoam cup in his hands. “Here.”” he’s clearly hurt but that shows that he still cares and will care about mike no matter what. idk does it make sense?
“Will is almost quieter when he says, “I missed you, too.”” and that where i cried for the second time. i have a thing for “i miss u” ig
“There is, unfortunately, no Steve Harrington behind the counter to sneak them into the movies” i hope steve got real adult job
“Staying in Hawkins for a little before I figured out where I want to go next sounded pretty nice” oh i see where it’s coming
“Loved, he thinks, loved, appreciated, wished –“ “wished” hits HARD
““Of course, I did,” Mike says, not having checked behind the television. “On an unrelated note, I’ll be right back.”” this one made me giggle. but more cause of the thought that they’re coming back to their little bubble, starting to feel comfortable enough to joke around. and it’s happening naturally and pretty fast
““It’s so different down here,” Lucas notes” ok, somehow ive been waiting to tell my thoughts about basement till this moment. i.. don’t think empty walls r bad thing. i think it’s like the omen of the new beginnings? yeah, my old basement was cool but it’s time to make new memories. happier. without the burden of the past. it’s like rediscovering the place u used to visit exclusively with the people u don’t talk now.
““I enlightened him!” Dustin claims, sitting opposite of her, and El snorts beside Mike.” well dustin stays the party member with the best taste 😀
one last thing i wanted to say about this chapter is that ur style has changed. diffidently in a good way. i’ve mentioned one sentence that i like but tbh.. i could choose any of them and that would be true. and i had to check vocabulary more often
oh no 😭 IM SORRY FOR MAKING U CRY ALYA hopefully the next one it is Tears of Joy 🫶🫶
LMAOO if it helps . we can both self project . mom says it's my turn with the self projection
omg that is a Fantastic point bc mike doesn't know !!! at all !!!!!! i tried to make wills frustration obvious for u know . dramatic irony but also that it makes sense for mike even tho he doesn't know the full length of it all 🫡 im so happy u noticed omg
YEYY3A OMG i am so glad u think so too 😭 i rly couldn't write max hugging him it felt Wrong
HELNGPOY dustin dps fan in this au 🫶 it has no relevancy but idc !
thank u alya ☹️ ily
NOOO no more tears . writing only Happy from now on (🤞 no promises ...)
it does make sense !!!!! it does !!!!!!!!!!!!! they're both hurt but they also Care so much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
characters admitting they miss each other no matter how much it hurts . it will always get to me too </3
HELEP yes steve and robin rooming together and attending to their Adult Jobs
alya i need u to shut down ur big brain so the final chapter IS A SURPRISE OK
wished !!!!! u get it !!!!!!!!!!
YAYYYYY im so glad u thought it was natural, i was kind of second guessing myself bc it felt like Maybe it's too quick for them to joke again . but whenever i meet up with friends i haven't seen in months or even years it is always so easy to slip back to who we used to be, you know ?
"it's like rediscovering" alya u absolute angel . my graham cracker . my vanilla latte . u get it U Get It oh my god it's alll about change !!!! and it doesn't always have to be bad !!!!!!!!!!
U LIKE PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA ????? FIRST THE FRIES AND MILSKSGKES 😭😭 ALYA WHY
im so flattered u think so !!!! i think i definitely took a different tone to this fic and im rly happy u noticed :] it means the world to me and im always so happy whenever u drop by my askbox with a Huge commentary like this 🫶 it means the world to me ive reread this like . nine times !!!!!!
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look at this bs. like i just realized tonight (and it was tonight specifically for some reason, maybe it's because i'm taking a gap semester this spring and trying to comprehend how different my schedule will be) how absolutely fucked my schedule has been this fall. and that's not even including like. commute time (which saps my energy quite a bit considering my disability, in addition to just taking time out of my day), time to do homework especially since im in 15 credit hours of classes, time to eat (i hardly ever prepare meals because i don't have time or energy, instead i depend on microwave meals, leftovers, really quick stuff like sandwiches, or just a bunch of snacks), time to sleep or relax or do whatever else. literally feeling so violent and so exhausted. i couldn't even rest over thanksgiving break, i had assignments to stress over and job applications to submit.
at times like this i think about how my parents were like "yeah you dont really have. as much of a work ethic." or whatever their phrasing was. and yeah they apologized for that when i explained shit to them later but. i'm still Pissed about it! lol! idk i need a pretty fucking significant work ethic to keep up with my life currently. even in the past, which they were like "oh we were talking about you when you were younger, you didn't really have a work ethic then" bitch are you kidding me. the severe and untreated anxiety, all the impacts of being autistic, the way worse gender dysphoria, being bullied in school, living overseas, blah blah, i had to have a strong as fuck work ethic just to SURVIVE. and i still do. and the fact that i'm managing all this work in my jobs and classes is fucking IMPRESSIVE. and it's a necessity, especially the jobs part because i need to fucking pay rent lol. but god.
it's a goddamn miracle i've managed all of this for the fall. i'm hopefully gonna be working a full-time schedule sort of deal this spring, but like, honestly, 40 hours of job stuff a week would be LESS than what i'm doing right now. i hate college so much lol lmao. so fucking glad the fall semester is almost over. i'm amazed at myself and my fatigue is also crashing down on me and i. idk if it's attainable but i need and deserve some major fucking rest. i realy do. maybe my dream job is being a trophy husband after all i just want and need to crash for a while. i hope the spring is more tolerable
for those curious, yes i do have multiple overdue assignments, no i am not ok but i'm trying to stay positive and that's what matters haha! hahahahahahaha ._. and yes im safe. just frustrated. frustrated enough to make a vent post on tumblr LMAO. we live in a fucking society
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Ughhjdhhshshei I miss him
Keb I miss you
Kev,,gh ,,, 💤💤💤💤💤💭💭
I love the way you talk, the way you articulate your sentences, your unique vocabulary; how your voice softens when you’re tired and I love hearing you say my name. Thats not much but it makes me feel special, why? It’s just my name! But he’s saying it, he’s saying!! It!!!! I love when you call me by those stupid nickname names, none of them even being remotely romantic but they’re funny and I can always appreciate your humor and jokes. How can I help myself! I can’t even calm my smile when I speak with you, I don’t even notice it sometimes because smiling has become my resting face when I speak with you. (which is great for my mental health but god, SMILEE LINESsss) Ohhhh and how I LOVE when I make you laugh, It fills me with this indescribable joy. Your laughter is just so, so beautiful and I want nothing more than to hear more of it. This is all so incredibly corny but I don’t think I could ever say this to him so I’ll just write it out. Guyssss, kevs normal speaking voice too is so scrumptious. Okay, listen and hear me out for a moment; when he speaks with me his voice gets a tad higher (nothing crazy but he speaks to me in this tone and doesn’t sound as tired ?)(
BUT (LET ME FINISHHHHH!!! GOSH WAIT CHAT
When he’s talking to anyone else (as I would describe, normal talking voice) his tone is more monotonous yet it sounds like he’s tired and god it’s hot. He’s probably call me a freak if I ever said that to him straight up but Jesus that man needs to know that his voice is sooooo attractive. I don’t remember if I actually did this or I dreamt it but I’m pretty sure I’ve told him on multiple occasions that’s I like his voice (?) I can’t be so sure since I speak to him during the night often and I am normally very dazed and tired during those hours so it is very hard for me to differentiate between dreams and shit that actually happened. OH GUYS LISYEN
It’s so attractive when he does this but uhm
When he tells me to continue speaking or when he encourages me to finish a phrase or sentence. Like oh my god have my kids. What …….
there’s nothing more attractive than a man listening likeee oh so you wanna get married and have three kids? ? Hahhahahah I need him.
Oooooo listen kev fans (me)
Okay when he stretches 🛐 yum, I could literally write a religion on how sexy that is
And
When he like ? Idk what’s the word, Murmurs??? Yeah, I guess? When he gets sleepy and speaks alll soft and he’s practically just murmuring all his words and i genuinely feel my heart literally about to fail because of what that does to me, like I jus tell him to not speak to me like that (I will have his babies) and he continues… to teaseeeee like mister you’re playing a very dangerous game but am I gonna stop him? No! Like, stop itttt!!! I won’t try to stop you though ❤️. OH AND WHEN HE GETS THAT WAY heeeee oh my goshshshshhs he calls my name sometimes and god it’s so attractive. Thinking about it right now makes my chest feel all funny. Im sad I didn’t get to hang with him today, if ANY gal hung out with him today I want that lucky b word to just idk I dony kneo have a good day 😕 lemme have my man tomorrow cause I miss him
Oh last time I called him right?
It was my brothers birthday (2 days ago) and I was doing my hair and some makeup since we were going out for his birthday, a simple look but I had a lot of distractions so it took a while to finish this simple ass makeup. He basically wanted to play Fortnite with me (cute, right???!) and I obviously accepted even though I was like in the middle of getting ready and we play like 3-4 rounds I can’t remember but I end up needing to leave!! (Sad but booo had to wait) and before hanging up I had to build up so much courage to call him by this stupid nickname (kevy boo) after I called him that he chucked (that sweeet laugh of his) and said bye. I honestly smiled so much after that, he didn’t call me nothin back but that didn’t matter! His reaction alone made me smile and I wanted to just blab to my whole family about how I called him that silly name. It wasn’t a big deal but I was happy I did it.
It honestly takes a lot of courage for me to do anything like that, I mean if we were dating I wouldn’t have such a hard time since oh he’s mine it’s okay but WERE not a thing so ofc I have to do mental gymnastics when I do something as simple as calling him a dumb nickname!
Oh and omg guysss that same day right? He went to go eat and I was just sitting, doing my makeup watching YouTube and talking to my older cousin and thw topic of him came up! And I was like oh yeah btw he’s just eating rn, i wish that was me and it was funny since we both looked at eachother flabbergasted.
But I’m mentioning this lil interaction cause moments after my cousin leaves to go do something downstairs so I’m just doing my makeup and watching my video and ooh! Kevs back and he says hey guys what are we talking about and his voice sounded …. Idk how to describe his tone but HE KNEW SOMETHING and I didn’t want to admit to saying some odd stuff just because i thought his tone was suspicious so I come up with some bullshit, I stutter like crazy and make myself look dumb. He probably knew i was lying cause it’s really hard for me to just lie to him, I mean I can lie but when it comes to him it’s hard to make it not obvious. Like I just fold
Oh I’ve folded a ton speaking to him
Because I find his voice so alluring and attractive i genuinely have moments where I have to take deep breaths to compose myself cause gahhhh dayum. I will say something inappropriate if I do not control myself and the rare occasion in which I do say some odd shit I want to just explode
GUYS HE TEXTED ME
ohmgh okay I’m done writing this teeheeehehheheheheh
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i was full of poorly hidden annoyance and i just need to air it out bc the gc i normally ramble in theres something else going on
(this is NOT about anyone i know over here on tumblr /gen)
ugh why do people use the general chat, in a PUBLIC discord server, as dms
im just like, annoyed
there is a chance itll get covered, and they in general they are just WAY less likely to see it
i have to help moderate this chat, but i dont want to see 2 people talking at length about a show with no room for other members to join the conversation (thats the main issue with doing it)
i understand if a conversation starts from general and thus continues there, but @/ing someone and just attaching a link is like ‘??? just do this is dms, please oh my cod’
sorry im just like so annoyed, this has happened multiple times
when i asked the first person to take their messaging the person to dms though they were very nice
the second time the two people (different from the first person) just misinterpreted every single point i was trying to say..
while i am pretty bad at phrasing, but it feels awful to have people seem to constantly not listen to you or not care about what your politely asking/suggesting of them
im a mod, but i dont want to abuse mod privileges, because thats not cool of me, but i have to physically stop myself and force myself to step away (i muted the chat and moved to the second general)
they just continued chatting until one of them had to go, i feel so bad for feeling relieved that they had to go, because they are a known member (we have had many convos and they seem cool) but i feel so relieved right now
i need to get over these things but this members friend (the one who started the convo out of dms in the first place) just wasnt super nice in the beginning and also hasnt really been. i dont dislike them i dont think? but being mean to people as, what i presume to be, a joke, isnt funny from the outside if you dont know they are joking.
also, they just refused to get roles, it bothers me when people dont get a single role, or when people join a server for a SPECIFIC FANDOM, without being in that fandom for no reason other than their friend inviting them
i mean i dont think i hid my annoyance well, but they just responded to my ‘hey you can do that in dms you know’ (they were sending a link unrelated to literally anything that has happened in the server before, to my knowledge, seemingly umprompted) with just justifications. then when i responded with reasons they were constantly misinterpreted
maybe i should just try and learn to phrase things better.. its an issue
sorry i just needed to vent all that to nobody in particular, maybe delete(/private if its possible) this later,, idk
ive been really prone to almost crying today over slight things, maybe a side effect of forgetting my adderall, probably not though. im just more emotional today for some reason, so that may be affecting my feelings on the situation
#vent post#vent#tw vent#this doesnt mattwe btw i just really needed to say my feelings somewhere#and in my normal channel and gc stuff was happening already
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i am…conflicted. we got into a huge argument cuz i felt like he attacked my character and he thinks he only deals in logic and not feelings so it doesn’t matter how anyone feels ever.
so i’m like do you not care. and essentially it comes down to him not internalizing any feelings. no ones else’s or his own tbh. he refuses to watch movies that people say are feel good or whatever phrase was used because he doesn’t want to internalize others feelings.
personally, i just think this man has been hurt so much he’s afraid of feeling his own feelings and has had them thrown back at him so much that he doesn’t really try to deal with other people’s feelings either.
fine good for him. ion know if i wanna deal with that though. im offering him a safe space for his feelings and i just wanna be safe to talk about my own. but if im not allowed to have (or express/talk about, for clarity’s sake i guess) my own feelings with him…then what is the point? why be in a relationship? like any kind of interpersonal relationship. i don’t get it. and i don’t think he will have a satisfying answer for me. so idk what do now.
do i drop him? do i ride it out? i’m not trying to fix him but i know he needs therapy and he knows it too. but do i stand ten toes down next to him or not? i’m leaning not.
this man told me i give up too easily. and he’s right. but only in the sense that i give up on myself too easily. i’ll ride out with someone til the end though. so…either way i kind of prove him right no matter the decision i make. which doesn’t bother me at all. moreso, it just provides another facet of him that i love and hate. so perceptive but doesn’t have the well rounded perspective to actually give a good reasoning behind his very correct and solid statement.
this all compounded by the goddamn knowing. i sometimes hate my gifts and surena’s too. why give her all the knowledge that we’re meant to be together and then drop a vision on me of us with a baby named calvin THAT I DIDNT EVEN FUCKING KNOW WAS HIS GRANDFATHERS NAME and i made a fucking playlist called calvin klein. and every song just fucking hits the situation on the head. like why give me this? what am i supposed to do with this knowledge? what decisions lead me toward and away from it??? what if i don’t want it anymore??? what if i really want it? what is the path? you’ve only told me one possible (maybe definitive) outcome. i hate it.
i went to bed last night looking for an answer on whether or not to reach out to him. i dreamt of talking to him. then i a did a tarot spread in the morning. and of course it also said do it. and i did it. and here we are. so what now?
i guess i go to bed with more intentions and questions tonight. with even less certainty than i had yesterday. lovely.
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Feb 6th 2024
ok, so you know how i said i was going to pass out as soon as i got home, i did not lie, i went to bed at 4pm then woke at 7pm and went back to bed then woke up at 3 in the morning, so thats something, all i’ve done today is watch hermitcraft, i watched iskalls ep 1 and 2 watched mumbos ep 1 a bit of skizzen ep1 and then watched the 90 minute mining trip (iskalls pov) i think my iskall obsession might come back so that something, im currently listening to things that look like mistakes,
i brought my journal today (to school), i might actually write in it idk though lowkey need to stop calling my self pathetic, like its true, but you didn’t have to say it, i read solitaire a bit i feel kinda trapped at this table, for to many people that i don’t know its weird
1st, we are actually writing out first draft now and im not horrid at it, so yay ig, thats honestly all that happened, but we did write a sample and it was kinda funny ig, the choir pop show was mentioned which we love, thats about it, on my way to
2nd, i saw nicholae, and i actually think im gaslighting myself into having a crush its disgusting like genuinely hate it so much, anyways, weight room sucks like normal, we’re doing different exercises and they suck this sucks i can't read rn and thats utter garbage but what ever, i actually hate myself for finding a boy even mildly attractive like this is shit, still think im gaslighting myself about him but you know, i have a test in last today, thats kinda absurd like i don’t know shit in there she does not teach shit
anyways, 3rd i did half of the worksheet then helped caleb study for their geography test that about it, listening to whatever my phone gives me, it’s currently fly out to alaska,
on my way to fucking lunch you’d never guess who i saw again, thats 2 times more than normal, kinda pissed off about it ngl the funny thing about that was i was listening to “who is thomas saunders and why is he significant in your writings?” and he had just said the romantic delusion part so thats funny i guess. also at lunch i got asked what i'd say to break up with someone, as if thats even a thing that would happen to me
4th i might have forgot that we had a test, but yeah, i did most of it so thats good, now im listening to the moon will sing, it reminds me of mumbo (in fanon, in fanon), thats probably it
5th, notes, i finished part one of solitaire at the start and ate a pack of gummies, so thats something i guess now im listening to never love an anchor and it im not fully sure who it reminds me of, not fully sure of anything right now, i read a bit of solitaire and, the “i guess i just don’t like school anymore/ i hate being here” is so me, bc i didn’t mind it like a month or 2 ago but i just can’t sand it anymore it sucks i find literally no joy in being here, i think i was going to say something but i don’t remember what
6th we made flash cards for the quiz tomorrow, umm that it actually im still listening to never love an anchor that it though,
7th we had the test and my lack of confidence going in was insane, i ended up getting a 94 which is honestly just evidence that im great at tests, also my bio grade went up 5 points, so thats good, i played solitaire a bunch bc what else am i supposed to do, i have the phrase plecatne tibi stuck in my head which is interesting ig,
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