#idk if i’m clean but i needed this catharsis
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“oh, no,” i hear you say. “not more of these.”
yes, more of these, except these are from a horse’s mouth, the words of a therapist.
(18+ please)
When do I feel like my most authentic self?
Aside from making art or being on my blog, never. It’s like there’s this unspoken rule that I’m forbidden from ever fully being myself. The punishment is I’m always made fun of (and not in the flirty way that I usually employ) or ostracized. People don’t like the authentic “me”: when I show the real “me”, they don’t know what to do with me. The real me is never embraced, no one likes it or wants to be with it. The real me is hated. I always feel like I’m being judged for things I like, all that I do, everything… no one actually likes me, and no, I don’t see a shred of power in this, either. I tried to see it but I can’t. I’m not amazing. I’m just nobody.
My most authentic self does nothing but leave me isolated.
And by the way, I’ve found that this is very quickly becoming one of those words that’s thrown around so much that it’s losing its meaning. Like, “vibe” is one of those words. What does it even mean to be authentic anymore?
When, if ever, have I experienced sexual flow?
What’s that?
Edit: I’m a virgin.
Second edit: never. Literally never. Nevermind the fact that I’ve never had sex and that this is the first time i’ve heard of this, I’ve always been so rigid and wary of my own behavior.
What words or images come to mind when I hear the term “gay”? (“Lesbian?” “Bisexual?” “Asexual?”)
Call me old-fashioned but I think of really happy people (the term “gay” meant “happy” before it was used to describe sexuality, after all).
Lesbians, I think of short, often unusually colored hair on women.
Bisexual, I think of Kirk Hammett of all people.
Asexual, I think of the ace cards in a deck.
In what ways do I imagine my life would change if I were more involved with LGBTQ2S+ people? How would it stay the same?
I’m lgbtq+ and I don’t think my life has changed in the slightest.
How does my body react when I see queer-themed scenes in movies or TV shows?
A little uncomfortable, to be honest, like I squirm a bit—it’s because I don’t expect it, it’s not “internalized” anything. It’s that I don’t expect it. After a time, though, it doesn’t even faze me in the least.
Regardless of gender or appearance, what helps me feel most connected with a romantic or sexual partner?
…their intellect? I don’t know, I’ve never been involved with anyone before.
(Can we stop using the word “partner” please? This word is just a noise to me now, completely devoid of meaning).
What does “Love is love is love” mean to me?
Reminds me of “a rose is a rose is a rose” from Gertrude Stein. An odd repetitive phrase that’s supposed to make you think (except Mrs. Stein was approaching from an “it is what it is” angle).
How do I trust myself to make big decisions?
Big decisions, that’s for people who have their shit together, right?
What practices, beliefs, and experiences are essential to my self-identity?
My pain. My anxiety. My weight. The way I move and how I do it. The way I love and feel.
I don’t know, I feel like I’m bullshitting.
What messages did I receive from family, friends, and the communities in which I live about what it means to live a “good” life with “good” relationships?
(Oh, man, you want me to go there?) I was taught that I had to be married to a man with two children by the time I was my age that I am right now and that I would have all things sexual figured out the very second I had a wedding ring on my finger—this belief that women can automatically turn on their sexuality at the drop of the hat once they’re married was pounded into my head from a young age. The total christian belief that for some alarming reason gen z has taken to as of late… 😳
No one ever told me about possibly identifying as a different sexuality (it was always “if you feel this way, I’ll accept you”, akin to “if you need anything, tell me” that I hear at the slightest mention of depression or anxiety, but never the possibility that it would happen to me, though), or that I would find myself thinking about girls as well as boys, or that crossdressing is fine. I lived in a podunk town full of conservatives when I was in high school. There was a boy at the middle school who committed suicide because he was bullied for being gay. I remember I was a senior when it happened: his name was Seth Walsh. Rise Against did a song called Make It Stop and they actually mention his name in the bridge.
What do I imagine are the hardest parts of living as an openly LGBTQ2s+ person? What would be the best?
Actually being open with it: when I was a baby, my cousin Harmony came out as lesbian and then began identifying as male, and the family pretty much disowned him. I actually did say I was pansexual on facebook before my logout and no one said anything, and I don’t know if I should be insulted or relieved because it’s a big deal coming out, especially after what happened to my cousin.
As for the best, I have no clue. I said I was pan on instagram, and again, no one bat a lash. It’s like coming out has completely lost its intensity and literally no one cares if you come out as pan or anything. I honestly don’t know what’s worse, to be honest: I expect becoming persona non grata because it’s happened to me my whole life, but indifference? No.
So much for being vulnerable and connecting with people.
What would I need to change in my life in order to consider options beyond heterosexual relationships?
Get the hell out of this area and never come back, for one thing. After that, I don’t know. It’s not like spotting a toupee. Can people tell if you’re lgbtq+ without you being aware, or is that just some corny joke that tv and movies did for years?
What would it mean for me to change how I identify sexually?
Ever since I started identifying as pansexual, it’s made a lot more sense but it hasn’t really helped me in connecting with people. If anything, it’s made me feel a lot lonelier. I can’t imagine having a boyfriend, and I sure as shit can’t imagine ever having a girlfriend.
Which parts of my current/past relationships have been performative and which parts feel genuine and pleasurable?
I’ve never had a relationship. Not even exaggerating. I’ve never had a boyfriend and having a girlfriend is out of the question, especially since some of my worst bullies were girls.
What kinds of thoughts do I have when I see a same-sex couple holding hands in public? Kissing?
I only ever saw a lesbian couple holding hands one time and I was mesmerized by them. I remember walking right behind them and I couldn’t stop looking at them (I almost walked right into a tree, I was so drawn to them). Never saw two gay men together, though.
How do I bring compassion and kindness to those parts of myself that make me feel uncomfortable?
I’ve been trying to figure this out for months. Yes, I tried affirmations, and they didn’t help—if anything, they made me feel worse about myself. I journal and it only kicks up anger and negative feelings about myself. I write erotica but I have difficulty talking about it and saying it out loud: in my year review post in December, I was really struggling to write in the fact that I’m an erotica writer now. It looked effortless but trust me, I was struggling. Like, do I actually say that, especially with how big of pricks ig are with that?
Which terms or words do I use to describe my sexual interests?
Ridiculous. Unnatural. Lame. Boring. Filthy. Worthless. Horrible. Disgusting. Unacceptable. I’m a heathen. I’m not human. I’m a bad person. Completely not sexy at all, only “cute”. What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why do I feel this way? What am I doing wrong? Nothing positive, that’s for sure.
I’ve never felt safe to express these things, either. How am I supposed to see them in a positive light if the outside world won’t let me share in the first place?
Consider: “Labels are for clothes, not people.”
I usually say cans of soup, because even clothes defy labels.
How do I embrace my authentic self – even when it differs from the expectations of others?
I just do but… I see no use or power in it, especially when the reaction I get is “meh, whatever”, instead of bringing me to the right people.
This was supposed to bring me to the right people. I feel like i’ve been lied to. It’s not in me to fake it, either: what the hell am I supposed to do?
What makes me feel the sexiest?
I guess my skinny jeans? Black and stretchy and they go with anything. I don’t really like t-shirts anymore because it always feels like they’re choking me (they make me look matronly, too).
Were you expecting me to say lingerie? No. I look at lingerie from Spencer’s, I picture myself in one of those and I cringe immediately. I know I’ll look like an idiot if I wear something that’s supposed to be sexy. Why do I even bother.
What is my favorite sex scene in a movie or television show?
I don’t think i’ve ever watched a sex scene and didn’t feel uncomfortable, or told to look away. Add to this, it’s all underwhelming: I hate 50 Shades of Grey (and screw you if you think that’s legit erotica) and I have never seen anything on the silver screen or small screen that was actually sexy in my eyes. This is what people find hot? This sucks.
Am I holding anything back from myself?
Happiness. What have I done to deserve true happiness? Nothing? Okay, then what should I do to get happiness? Oh, also nothing? Why am I not happy then? Did I miss something here, why is this such a nebulous concept? Why is this so pointlessly confusing?
My lesbian thoughts. They’re like… here and gone in a couple of seconds. What do I even do with them.
My straight thoughts, too. What guy would want me?
I don’t even know what I want in another person, except for intelligence, spontaneity, looking unusual, a big heart, and has a conscience.
I have never been anyone’s crush—I’ve never been anyone’s tumblr crush, if you can believe that. People on tumblr have crushes on other tumblr people (you see those posts ad nauseam about how much they love their mutuals, and they’re really annoying because it just reminds me of my own loneliness. and they’re just stupid on principle, too, like I GET IT. YOU LOVE YOUR FUCKING FOLLOWERS. SHUT UP ALREADY, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT AND I DON’T BELIEVE YOU ANYWAY.) I don’t get this new generation of tumblrs either: you claim to be fans but there’s no passion, it all feels very passé and heartless, like an attraction at Disney. But mention ~mutuals~ and you would think a strip club just opened.
I have never been anyone’s girlfriend, anyone’s type… anything.
Moreover… what on earth makes the adults in the room think i’m hot shit?
“Hannah, did you see that cute boy checking you out?” What is this supposed to accomplish? I didn’t see anyone, and I don’t know what you want from me.
“I assume that belongs to your hot boyfriend.” (talking about my rock n roll jacket, and it’s kind of obvious it’s mine because the collar is pink and next to pins and patches of bands, it’s got kind of effeminate patches like daisies, hot pink peace signs, and cats as well)
Why should I hold back anything when there’s nothing to send out to? I yell into a void all the time. I’m being myself but no one listens or cares or wants to get to know me, like there’s a reason why I turned off my ask box (aside from getting rude messages and they were genuinely upsetting me). If I’m not getting shat on, I get radio silence. I’m literally that starved.
Do I have anything I am concerned to tell my partner?
*seethes* Everything. What am I supposed to say? What do you want to know? What do you want me to say?
For some reason, journaling about the relationship aspect of sexuality only makes me angry: it makes me painfully aware of how fucking pathetic and lame my sexual history is, how a woman my age is supposed to be far more experienced than this, and it just makes me aware of how much of a black sheep i am, too. I violated a time table and I failed at being myself: I deserve to be punished and destroyed. I really, really feel like I messed up by being a late bloomer and not living up to expectations from a young age. I mean, I have a lot of anger in the area of sexuality as is, and it’s very dualistic, too: I feel anything sexual and I get angry, and then I get angry at myself for being angry about something that’s supposed to be natural.
Moreover, the fact no prompt list I have ever come across to try and help me unpack and audit my feelings has not had the presumption that those doing these have never had a relationship does fuck all to help—if anything, it just riles up the anger. “You and a partner” this, “you and a partner” that. Is virginity just a joke and a myth to you people who write these godforsaken things, what the hell? Some of us are just that malnourished. Some of us have never been approached or even looked at. Some of us are physically ugly. Some of us have never felt sexy a day in our life.
STOP ASSUMING WE HAVE OR HAD A PARTNER. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
What are my favorite sexual fantasies?
I’m so tired.
I’m exhausted.
I don’t know what to expect out of these anymore.
I have too much pain about the realm of sexuality that it’s overwhelming.
This is all bullshit, like my fantasies are so stupid.
No one finds me attractive.
My sexual expression is hideous.
Just leave me alone.
#really raw and rough right now#idk if i’m clean but i needed this catharsis#journaling#sexuality#personal#text
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Scenes in WKBZ that parallel each other (part 2)
(spoiler warning)
(also please notice the trigger warnings before reading!!)
Curtains in broad daylight
When Christiane and Benno wake up in episode 6 after their withdrawal, the camera view first falls onto the curtains and the broad daylight shining through them, before we really see the two inside of the room. They start talking about being clean before sleeping with each other. In episode 7, the morning after Michi and Benno slept with each other, when Benno is already awake, the focus is also on the curtained window and the light shining through it, very similar to how it looked in the prior episode in Christiane’s room.
I’m not sure if this is supposed to mean anything intentionally, but it could be, because at least for me these camera shots were noticably similar due to being a bit unusual. I interpret it these ways: Because it is explicitly Benno who’s looking at the window in the second scene, he might be thinking of the first scene I described when he was with waking up with Christiane. In his letter he says that sleeping with Michi made him realize that he only loved her, so maybe that’s why. Other than that, maybe it also shows something about the nature of these two different relationships he could have: With Christiane he can be together in broad daylight, which is the time they were sleeping with each other in the first scene, whereas with Michi their relationship would always have to be something in the shadows, symbolically the night, he would feel the need to hide. This ties back to the idea someone brought up (I don’t exactly remember with whom I had this conversation, sorry. Edit: It was @wheresbenni. Thanks for reminding me :)) about how part of the reason why Benno chose to be with Christiane is that it’s the “easier” relationship for him, because he doesn’t have to face the struggles regarding his sexuality then.
Christiane calling both Benno and then his Dad an asshole in front of the other one
When Benno’s Dad tells Christiane that he stole his money in episode 7, her reply is “What an asshole”. In the next episode, when Benno tells her that it was his own father who reported him to the police, she says the same thing about him, although she knew that his Dad was going to do that.
I think this shows what a strain Benno not showing up at the Zoo station to go to Paris with her put on their relationship, because Christiane’s reaction in the first scene was probably fueled by her anger about it. I’m not sure whether her reaction in the second one means that she forgave him, though, after he explained that he had to help Michi but always wanted to return to her. Maybe she just said it because she thought it was what Benno wanted to hear in that moment. Same could count for the Dad in the first scene, actually, because Christiane knew that Benno used to steal from his father and I mean, how else did she expect him to get the money for Paris? I think how she seemingly couldn’t make up her mind on this conflict shows how confusing all of these events in general must have been for her, between trying to get clean, falling back into the drug use and having a strained relationship because of it.
Babsi and forgiveness
tw: suicide
During the carousel scene in episode 2, Babsi thanks Stella for the evening and she asks “I thought for getting you down from the bridge?”, to which Babsi replies “I might forgive you for that someday”. In episode 7 when her and Christiane are at Günther’s, Christiane confesses that she lied about Dijan asking for Babsi and she answers “Forgiven”.
Now I believe this shows in what a much better mental condition Babsi was after the rehab clinic ... Before she started doing heroin again, sadly. Because, if we assume that Dijan symbolizes death, Babsi was excited to see him again, thinking he was finally interested in her. (Although it’s honestly a bit weird here that Dijan also seems to be a real person, idk.) But when she finds out that this was not the case, she’s okay with it. This fits together with Dijan telling her that he was looking for a different Babsi - probably the suicidal, drug addicted Babsi she is no more at that point. In episode 2 however, she was suicidal as she was standing on that bridge and from there on things got a lot worse for her, as she was also slowly getting addicted to drugs. Hence she told Stella that she might only forgive her someday, because at that point she was stuck in that downward spiral and unable to be fully glad that she didn’t commit suicide. In episode 7, however, for a while she’s out of it and therefore quickly forgives Christiane. Although she obviously sounds sad saying it, and we all now that it doesn’t take long for her to relapse. I wish it was different. :(
Axel and Michi telling their crush that they’re beautiful
When in episode 2 drugged-out Michi tells Benno that he’s beautiful, nobody thinks he’s being serious, especially not Benno himself. When Axel tells Christiane in episode 6 that she’s the most beautiful woman he ever saw, she seems flattered and hugs him.
I recently mentioned this parallel in a text responding to @sun-undone, so to keep it short here, I basically think these scenes show the differences between Michi’s crush on Benno and Axel’s crush on Christiane, because Axel is able to communicate his emotions and therefore has a certain catharsis that Michi lacks, which leads him to such strong reactions of jealousy and hate for Christiane. A lot of that has to do with societal pressures and internalized homophobia that make Michi unable to express his feelings for Benno, who doesn’t seem to take him seriously in that regard anyways (maybe that’s why Michi said to him “Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?” at some point).
#wir kinder vom bahnhof zoo#these were all the parallels I've noticed#but pls add them if you've got more#as always i'd love to hear your thoughts/interpretations#wkbz#we children from bahnhof zoo#michelangelo fortuzzi#bruno alexander#jana mckinnon#jeremias meyer#lea drinda#lena urzendowsky#wkbz spoiler#tw: sex mention#tw:suicide#tw: suicide mention#tw: drugs
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About all the stuff you were talking about, do you know any fics that handle those things well? It is exhausting trying to go through the Dick Grayson tag to try and find ones that handle even one of those remotely well so any you can tell me would be wonderful.
I use my Bookmarks page as a go-to for people looking for that sorta thing. I haven’t added to it in awhlie which is like, a useful reminder for myself to rectify that.
I’m not sure off the top of my head what fics on there address these particular areas of canon or fanon issues, but they’re in there, and I don’t bookmark anything I wouldn’t reread since that’s....the only reason I bookmark stuff lol. Aka nothing that contains elements or fanon tropes/issues that would’ve pulled me out of the read on the first go-through.
Specific authors who I consistently like for their takes on all of that, hmmm....off the top of my head, @dustorange only deals in Quality Stuff and her Hierarchy of Needs for Dick’s characterization has similar enough rankings to my own personal one, that I’m always like, yes, this hit all the beats I was hoping for from this summary, I am full, I could not eat another bite. But maybe a dessert course later. I guess. If you insist.
In terms of specific takes and tropes I’ve been talking about tonight, @themessofthecentury has a fic that delves into all the Spyral aftermath in a really satisfying way. Y’ever been like, ugh can someone please write a lengthy beast of a multi-chapter that takes all of that and says ‘Lo, there is Gold in these hills” and has a range of POVs but that all consistently prioritize and center Dick in the areas and matters he should be the one prioritized? That’s the one, that’s Fault Lines, its a WIP but its alive and kicking and very much what you’re looking for to read something actually catharctic after the way all of that was handled in canon and most related fics.
Umm, lessee.... @hood-ex is all about Top Notch Tropes, especially for great scenes where Dick’s with a wide range of characters, and its like, casual slice-of-life stuff, but delivered in a way that Just Says No to fanon and even when writing Dick as light-hearted and having a good day, its like...actually in character for him and he’s not Dick Grayson, The Balloon Animal That Walks Like A Man (but is actually 70% sugary cereal). You gotta follow her on tumblr though to get all the fics, cuz she’s like me in that she writes a lot of done-in-one scenes that never get moved over to Ao3 because eh, we’ll do it tomorrow but also we’ll forget about it by tonight so no actually we won’t. And thus there’s a lot of hidden gems to be found there.
@ckbookish writes a lot of stuff set in the early Nightwing days when Jason was Robin, and from what I’ve read there’s a lot of focus on Dick and Jason bonding and also exploration of Dick’s thoughts and reactions to Bruce’s “Bruce NO” behavior of that era that’s very much in character and IMO hits all the right notes in the complicated arrangement of allowing Dick his Feels there and placing the appropriate blame where appropriate but without demonizing Bruce and over-embellishing the more than enough to work with fuck-ups canon helpfully provided for that era.
In fact, in general I’m inclined to say the author sticks as closely to canon as possible while just....making it better by just adding the little ingredient that is ‘Actual Exploration of Dick’s Feelings and Choices As Viewed Through Empathy-Colored Glasses By Someone Who I Feel Actually HAS Met or Been A Teenager At Some Point in Their Life and Thus Is Aware They’re Not Actually Unreasonable Wild Animals Whose Behavior Even When Rational Is Actually Irrational Cuz Hormones Yeah I Know I Was Surprised Too’. So I’d say their work consistenly delivers the story and emotional beats I look for from Bruce, Dick and Jason in that era, actually humanizing all three of them without going overboard with adding flaws all willy-nilly just cuz.
The only reason its not on my bookmarks page is cuz unfortunately, the sticking close to canon means Dick joining the Bludhaven police force to try and clean it up from the inside, and like.....not a criticism or condemnation of the execution of that premise at all, like, Dick’s clear in his reasons and from what I read goes about it in a way that actually fits if Dick had criticisms of the institution as a whole and an earnest belief he can effect change to it from the inside, its just like, purely as a personal subjectivity thing, Dick Grayson and Being a Cop is like my ultimate NOTP, I see it and I reflexively hiss like a vampire who forgot the sun was a thing. Its just not for me in any execution, but if that’s not true for you then its got everything else I’d look for in fic and thus while I can’t vouch for his characterization or the dynamics in later stories, like, I’m pretty sure you’d still be in Primo Characterization territory.
There’s stuff on my bookmarks page from an author named discowing(amelia from a fairytale) - something like that. I can’t recall their tumblr off the top of my head but I know she says it somewhere in some of her author’s notes. Anyway, her stuff runs the gamut but consistently delivers on moments I really wish we could see in canon, so def worth a read. And I know her views on the Spyral aftermath and what’s needed for actual catharsis there are right in my wheelhouse, just in general, so if that’s the barometer you’re going by, then like.....idk whatever a barometer says or does when it gets the readings its supposed to, look its late, that’s the metaphor I’m going with, just pretend it was solid.
Those are just some of the authors where I’m familiar with more than one of their works off the top of my head and tend to like their focus and narrative/character choices across the board. I don’t know the full extent of work of every author linked on my Bookmarks page, like a lot of people write a lot of fic in a lot of fandom and I see a long list of fandoms and fics all organized by date posted so its more like one DC fic per page, and my ADHD self is like hahaha what if it was naptime tho zzzz.
But yeah, that’s not nearly enough to sate my greed and want for Good Dick Grayson Takes but it should get you started. There’s some good stuff out there, that’s never been in question, its just that like you said, it can be exhausting trying to wade through fics that you can’t tell at a glance if they’d be to your liking or not because the tags are all complimentary of Dick but two chapters in you’re like wait is this the other kids’ brother or is this their nanny, I feel like I’m reading about what if Fran Drescher wore tights and fought crime with flippity-flips. Which I mean, that’s a Premise right there, alright, its just not remotely the premise I look for out of fic where I have the weird expectation that Dick should be treated and regarded more like equal family to his siblings than like, okay what if he was actually just an au pair that was mostly hired to be eye candy.
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Angsty Questions: Hermann 30
This took a while and it could be better but Idk it's a bit raw. Thanks for the prompt tho, @pulmonary-poultry This was like. Not fun but.... there was a level of catharsis/enjoyment in writing this and exploring a less confident Hermann.
Tw for vague themes of sexual assault. Nothing explicit but it's the context. On move so I can't read more. On desktop you can skip posts with the J key.
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“Can you still sleep at night?”
Hermann looked up from his drink to glare at Sergey. Stupid question. Sergey met his gaze unflinchingly, a characteristic that was alien to the Russian man all of six years ago. Hermann shivered and looked back at the shitty soft drink in his hand. Sergey refused to let Hermann drink during the time spent with him these days, not that there was much of it.
Sergey was right to do it. Hermann had been drinking more and more lately and his friend was concerned, to say the least. Hermann curled his lip and leaned back against Sergey's patched-up, beaten pleather couch. "Twenty four hours isn't enough to take care of business these days. My classes, my electives, my finals prep-"
"That's not what I ask."
"As if you have any right to ask," Hermann snarled. Almost immediately he regretted it. He felt Sergey tremble for no more than two seconds, as if he were closing his shutters. Armor. Any other day Hermann would have apologized, but he didn't think he owed anyone any sympathy these days. "It's not like you helped me at all."
Sergey withered. He knew what had happened wasn't his fault, but he still felt like shit when the venom in Hermann's voice sank into him. He spoke quietly thi time. "I was not allowed into the club with you. How is it fair that you blame me? Unfair to blame yourself, but the cruelty of projecting your pain onto myself…."
"And you'd have just as easily broken a rib," Hermann growled. The tone was vindictive, but there was no malice to it. He knew his friend was right. Hermann parted his lips to say something, but his voice caught in his throat and whatever he had to say came out in a quiet, strangled sob. He dropped his head and rested his forehead in one hand. Sergey looked at him, one hand raised tentatively, before reaching out to place it on Hermann's shoulder.
He just as quickly withdrew his hand as every muscle in the man's body locked down, turning him rigid and uncomfortable to touch, like taxidermy. A sob like a hiccup. Hermann's fingers twisted tightly over his mouth. Mismatched eyes wide and glassy. Hermann shakily placed his drink on the coffee table ahead of him and worked his now free hand into his hair.
"My mother said it was only a matter of time."
"That is cruel."
"That if I kept this lifestyle up, it was bound to happen."
"Hurtful. Unhelpful."
"That even Goliath fell, Sergey."
"You are not Goliath."
"If that's not what I am, who am I? What good am I?" Hermann said shakily around clenched teeth. "I've never been good enough. Ivo met every mark, but I'm too… much. I advertise myself every night. I should have seen it coming. I didn't even check my drink. Stupid."
"You are tearing your hair out," Sergey said, his voice calm and level. He wanted to sob for his friend, but that wasn't what Hermann needed.
"Her hands were all over it. Disgusting." Hermann's fingers curled tighter into his hair, and Sergey could see the follicles straining handstands breaking. He didn't doubt that Hermann could single handedly scalp himself.
"Would it help to cut it?" Sergey asked, his voice gentle as he leaned over to pry Hermann's hands from his mouth and hair. "Do not hurt yourself. I cannot heal you, and I cannot undo this. But we can fix your hair. We can buy you new clothes. We can clean ourselves. It will not fix you. But?"
Hermann felt no strength in his limbs as Sergey touched him, and his hands limply rested in his friend's. He fought back a cry and lost the battle. He swallowed it again and responded to Sergey's prompt.
"But, it's a start."
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‘Wandering Romance’ - Part 3
- A future with child fic -
Square Filled: Future, Family, Past lovers
Ship: Sander Driesen/Robbe Ijzermans
Trigger Warnings (if applicable): mentions of abuse, toxic relationships, minimal self harm.
Created for @skamevents
Summary: “A perfect, tight little family. But happy. Until one unfortunate day in May, in the year that David turned six.”
In the future, Robbe and Sander have a son named David. The only tie they have left with each other, actually. Because our lovers split up years ago, due to mistakes that were made in the past.
So is their love strong enough to sustain a healthy friendship? Will they find their way to each other again or break all connections for good?
Also available on AO3
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CHAPTER 3: 'No one feels the same'
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It was the sound of crying that woke him up.
He wasn’t dreaming anyways, because his dreams were reflections of his mind. And his mind didn’t want to cooperate, at least not for the last few hours. He knew why, though. He just didn’t wanted to acknowledge it. He wasn’t even entirely aware of drifting back to awareness. He didn’t want to face the world. The world was filled with empty pain and love lost. True love felt like an illusion, even when he tasted it for a while.
It all tasted sour now...
He slowly hauled his tired body of his yellow, crumpled sheets and tried to identify where the sound came from. Some lingering thoughts forming on the outskirts of his empty mind. ‘Why was this happening?’ ‘Why did it sound like such an agonizing heartbreaking thing?’ ‘This feels so deep, too deep...’
He simply didn’t know.
He acted on instinct, when he crawled towards the mop of curls, bouncing on top of a blubbering mess. Legs tangled into the soft blanket, a hollowed ball of sorrow on the barely fitting mattress, nails unconsciously scratching the arms, leaving deep red marks. Hopefully, they wouldn’t be permanent. Even when the pain felt like it was. But he simply couldn’t ignore it.
He felt it too.
His own heart broke at the sobs.
A mirror to his own feelings.
“Robbe...”
No answer. Just the sound of pain put away for too long, underneath multiple steel layers. A sudden halt to the loudest sobs. Softer tears streaming down the angelic face. Him even crawling deeper into himself. Unclear mumblings. A nail struck harder into the white skin.
A slight drop of red.
Sander couldn’t ignore that. He immediately grabbed the other’s hands, pulling them towards the side. As a result, causing the soft body to fall into his own. An older pattern from days long before. When they looked at each other for hours on end, forgot the world ever existed and their bedroom air was filled with laughter or passion. Sander didn’t want- he didn’t try to reflect.
He tried. But he failed.
“Robbe, wake up! WAKE UP!”
Dark brown eyes shot open to meet the green. Teary, tired and hollow. Things Sander knew best. He felt like somewhat of a specialist in these feelings, unfortunately, not by choice. Fate had dealt him a bad hand. But never for this love. True love, his mind whispered. For the silent boy staring at the deep green of his soul. The one who immediately crawled closer to his warmth.
Who brushed softly over the broken, red skinned knuckles of his right hand.
Who silently whispered “sorry” to him.
Who didn’t even need to do that.
Who pulled his face closer.
Laid hands on his side.
Breathed on his lips.
Took one second.
And eventually...
Made Chernobyl happen.
-^-
Only few hours earlier, they were met with different feeling: enthusiasm.
“God, I missed you two”, the raven haired boy exclaimed, while grasping at both his and Robbe’s arm. It had been too long, though, when they truly had a boy’s night. A real night of good clean fun. Just with the five of them.
Unfortunately, life happened. Jobs happened. Kids happened. Well, maybe not unfortunately, gratefully, but it was just hard to say goodbye to your youth. And say hello to responsibilities. To unpaid bills on the counter. To tired days alone.
To broken minds in the night.
Yeah, okay, Sander, time to tone you down a little.
“Yeah, boys, we really need to do that trip we’re always talking about. That road trip to nowhere. Just a week without anything, like we said right?”, the beach blonde answered. His answer lighting up all the faces around the table.
Aaron was bouncing his head to the idea, always eager to explore more, to learn more. Robbe looked at him with puzzled eyes. Thank god that their son had a sleepover, because this was probably going to be an eventful night.
Moyo barked out his roaring laugh. “Like we don’t keep planning that thing, over and over again. Last time we brought it up, it was right before Robbe started dating someone else again. The time before, Jens decided to spew out a couple of kids. And then that time we came up with it, the whole thing with N-”
The brown skinned boy suddenly stopped, winching at his unfinished sentence. They all knew what he meant, though. It had been just a couple of nights before Noor’s death. One of the few magical ‘before’ moments they collectively remembered. Like they could survive anything. Knowing that they were there, filled by drunken laughter, silly jokes and endless teasing. The prologue to the rest of their lives. They didn’t know at the time.
He tried to examine his friend’s face, catching Robbe doing the exact same thing. They had conversations about this. Maybe Moyo never truly knew, what she had meant to him, himself. There had been lingering somethings in the past. Treaded paths not taken. Careful whispers, loaded glances and brushed lips, too subtle if you didn’t had the knack to pick it up. But the ex-couple did.
He saw how Moyo gripped his glass tighter, urging the gold liquid through his throat. He coughed, asked the rest if they needed anything and walked away with the platter of empty drinks. A glimpse of shiny eyes. Leaving an awkward silence between the squad.
It was Jens, who eventually broke it.
“I think he never got over it, you know?”, looking at his trembling hands.
“Who ever did?”, the other curly boy answered hoarsely.
“We never did. It wouldn’t have been fair to her.”
Sander nodded along.
Sometimes, he caught himself looking at his son, with a heavy breath, seeing her in his features. Reopening all the old wounds from before. But then, his heart would fill with unconditional love again, because, thank god they still had a part of Noor on this world. Readily to love. To see how he would grow. How he would blossom into more than he already gave today. Pride.
“I miss her.”
“Me too.”
“Me too.”
“Me too.”
Loss is a part of you, it never leaves.
“Guys...”, Jens choked out next. “... I need to say... I’m sorry...”
Again, a curveball they hadn’t anticipated. The boy’s eyes were slowly filling up with tears. They all remained silent, nodding along, knowing that this was something Jens needed to say. The group were never big on feelings, but this sure felt like a beginning. Therapy. Catharsis. A peace of mind.
“I’m sorry.”, the dark haired started rambling. “This is hard for me to admit. But, I should’ve never kept David a secret for you all. I mean, it’s just... Noor wanted to have some time... to deal with all of this, right? She panicked the moment the stick turned blue. I never knew who the guy was and she never told me, either. But then she made me promise never to tell anyone, even you all.
Noor tried to fade into the background more, so nobody would ask what was happening. I shouldn’t have supported that decision... But it’s what she wanted. Trying to set up a stable life. A 9 to 5 job, a savings account and an own apartment. She even took the crappy job at the art school, that paid less than her talents were worth. But she was happy, you know?”
Sander felt the urge to lay a hand on Jens’ shoulder. Robbe seemed to have the same thought, because he was already doing it. They really needed to stop with this telepathy thing. It was starting to freak him out. They weren’t a couple anymore.
“I... I loved her like a sister. I thought she was going to be a great mom. And I was there as the fun uncle, not necessarily the father figure. Noor didn’t want that. She could do it on her own. “I can change the diaper myself, idiot”, she’d yell at me, while throwing some of the baby powder in my face. “I don’t need a babysitter, Jens.” “Go live your life.” She would laugh at the things I did. She was always stubborn like that, you know?”
A collective, watery smile.
The way Jens told this story, though, it felt as if she was standing right next to them. Her presence felt so tangible. Sander could feel her, rolling her eyes, screaming things like “Are you really all crying over me, now, almost a decade later? Dude, wtf, have some fun. Talk about tv shows. Cars. Beer. Idk. Not death. What the hell, people? Get some shots!” Hands would be thrown.
He wanted to revel in that ghostly warmth. Celebrate her life. Find a perfect spot to spray a huge, damn mural. Instead, he said: “Jens. We know how she was. Please, don’t say sorry. We know how you tried. We know she was stubborn. She would say the same if she was here. You never did something wrong. Sometimes fate is just an a-hole. She shouldn’t have died so young. You couldn’t have known.”
He pinched the raven boy’s arm, trying to make him look up. He was met with a face filled with pain. “One day, we will tell David about her story. All together. He’s smart, he knows a lot of biology already and next year, he’ll get sex education in school. We’ll have to tell him some time how he came to be, who he is and what he means to us, right? We can do that.”
“Together”
The deep brown found his, exactly like they should. He knew Robbe said those words, before his mind registered them. As if he was thinking with his heart. As if he ever stopped thinking with his heart. His other hand trailed towards the other, knowing it would be there without question. And their fingers intertwined.
Then he saw that a certain someone had eavesdropped on their conversation.
Moyo had took a while to come up for air again...
They had let him.
Because they understood.
-^-
Conversation had become more of an option rather than a necessity. Faces started to blur, music roared in his brain and sweat drops rolled from his skin. After the bar, they’d found their way to the city centre, to some obscure underground club Moyo said ‘was the bomb’. The atmosphere felt invigorating, as if a painting came to life. Filled with colors, vibes and feelings. Much more of an extreme Bosch than a calming Monet.
A few shots in, Aaron somehow caught the eye of a beautiful brunette. Since he’d never truly grown out of his awkward phase, it had been a blast to see that train wreck happening. And in no way, they were gonna save him from that situation. It was too funny to let it slide.
It almost felt like the old times. Almost.
Because as intoxicated as he was, he felt his burning gaze. He didn’t had to look. He knew what he would see if he decided to turn towards his ex-lover. An excruciating mix of hurt, pining and lust. A reflection of his. They knew each other better than any other soul on the world, so it came as no surprise that they felt similar about the whole situation.
He just didn’t know if he wanted to open that can of worms.
Ever since the David Bowie performance by their son, there had been something more. Even more longing, even more hurt, even more doubt. But Robbe had a boyfriend. The exes shared a beautiful son. They were divorced. They couldn’t just do what they wanted, without consequences. There were others involved. Sander just didn’t know how long he could it hold off anymore.
On cue with his thoughts, the boys suddenly decided to ditch them both, to buy some stuff from a backdoor dealer. Something to take the edge off, he guessed. They’d eventually come back, but that wouldn’t negate the predicament they’d put him in. He didn’t dare to move inside his ex’ neighborhood. He didn’t want to leave him alone either. So he was stuck either way.
The answer came in the form of a drunk body colliding with his, punching him right off the barstool. The helping hand, the held breath, the brown eyes. His soulmate’s eyes. What was it with them? What made them so interesting? So filled with love and passion and hurt and just so many emotions at the same time. He once tried to put them on paper, but he never got them right.
His brain couldn’t function anymore.
He let his hands do the work. They grasped the shirt in front of him, a vaguely familiar black one, and pulled hard. His shiny lips just one breath away and Robbe was already closing his eyes, moaning loudly. Moaning his name. Sending all kinds of emotions through his body. He just needed to take that next step. Slowly... pulling... in...
Before Robbe was roughly pushed away from him.
“I need to talk to you, NOW!!!” A rough voice yelled.
“Okay...” The other answered carefully.
And Robbe was pulled away, leaving a nauseous Sander behind.
-^-
He didn’t meant to eavesdrop.
He didn’t.
Really.
He never thought he was gonna hear Robbe argue with his boyfriend.
It clicked in his brain, the minute he bought some water and went outside for some fresh air. Sobering him up a little. Second guessing what he was about to do, a few minutes ago. To maybe ruin the careful friendship they developed, after so much pain and memories. Maybe it was better to be saved by the bell than to make that mistake again.
But then he heard him.
“... kissing your ex!”
“I wasn’t kissing my ex, Wouter!”
“You were about to! Don’t bullshit me, Robbe. This is one of the reasons you broke up with me, didn’t you? To get back together with that lowlife?”
Excuse me?! What was he insinuating? He was a productive member of society, thank you. His work brought in enough to pay his bills, take care of his son and even save some up for later. He wasn’t a lowli-
Hold up, did Robbe’s boyfriend just say that they BROKE UP?!
“He’s not a lowlife! He’s my ex, he’s the father of my child and he’s not the reason we broke up either!” Robbe retaliated right away.
“Then why did we, Robbe? I don’t get it. I thought we were good together...” Wouter seemed to try another approach. Whispers instead of yelling. He could see the body language changing from a harsh, defensive stance to a softer approach. It made Sander’s skin crawl. He didn’t know why. It was some sort of vibe that was just... off.
“We weren’t good together. I don’t know if you noticed, but we were NEVER good together. And you know exactly why...”
Wouter held up his hand, trying to touch Robbe’s cheek, wanting to calm him down. Yet, that last one immediately slapped the hand away. He could see how it affected the now-apparent-ex. How the hands started to form fists. The eyes started to flinch. Similar to a bull preparing to strike towards the matador.
“Oh yeah? You thought we were never good together, huh? What are you insinuating? I picked you off the metaphorical street, Robbe, because you were so heartbroken over someone who didn’t even think twice about dumping you. Even with your collective history. I build you back up to the man you are now. I made sure you were loved, that you had your needs filled, that you could call me whenever you wanted. And I did that, didn’t I. Right?!”
A flash of doubt on the other’s face. His expression filled with contradictory emotions, his body freezing at the featherlight touch of Wouter’s finger trailing his cheek and his eyes... Sander never saw them this pained. Eventually, after a short silence, the brown haired boy whispered: “You did that, yes. And I’m grateful for that. But you did other things too. I... I just can’t anymore. I can’t.”
“What can you do anymore, Robbe? What? US? YOU MEAN US?!”, the other started yelling again.
“Stop yelling, Wouter”, the other said calmly. (Fearfully?)
“What’s wrong, baby. You used to love when I yelled at you. You used to love to be yell to. My name, over and over again. After I made you come, over and over again. You never begged me to stop, remember? You wanted more. More of the harsh words, the cuffs, the pushing, the burn inside, the pain, right? I remember not having a safe word at one time. That time was fun, no?”
Sander suddenly felt furious. What the actual f? Was this dipshit really saying what he was thinking right now? No safe word? Pain? Burn inside? What the hell did Wouter do to him? He saw how the expression on the man’s face changed to a cold, emotionless look. The look of something dangerous. Something that rang all the alarms in his brain. His whole body started to prepare, to release inner anger. To fight.
“I... I...”
“You want me, right?”, the other said, with venom in his mouth. “You still want me. You can’t stop thinking about me. Even after what I did to you. You keep coming back for more. You want it, Robbe, face it. You want the pain. You love the pain. You love receiving it.
Even when you say ‘no’,
I know you want it.
Last time, last time was a mistake, you know that. You shouldn’t have said ‘no’. You didn’t mean it. I wouldn’t have drank. I wouldn’t have trying to go to your son’s room. You wouldn’t have fell by pulling me. Then you wouldn’t have had the bruises, the cuts. The broken bones. If you just had let me, I could’ve-”
He never got to finish that sentence.
Because, after that, a flash of beach blonde hair moved into the man’s vision.
An ex-lover. A father. A man with bottled up agony, hurt and anger.
Someone who needed a perfect release.
And Wouter?
Seemed to be the perfect victim.
Excellent even, to liberate him from that pent-up energy.
So for Sander, the world temporarily turned black.
Until only the color red was left.
-^-
Chernobyl was beautiful at first.
Chernobyl was love second.
Chernobyl was warmth as a third.
But then Chernobyl was also pain.
Agony.
Heart breaking.
A nuclear disaster.
Which Sander discovered the following morning.
When he turned around to kiss his boy.
His beautiful ex-turned-lover-again.
And found the bed empty.
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Okay so now that the game is out and the story is really that terrible, here’s a cleaned up and partially re-written transcript of what I wanted to happen in The Last Of Us 2. I texted this story to my friend the day the leaks came out because I was so upset. I fixed some grammar and spelling errors, anything in () is present day me talking or clarifying.
——————————————————————————
So I want the game to start off with that scene from the One Night Live that they didn’t let people record. (This did end up happening, thankfully) Joel and Ellie share a cute little scene that leaves the player happy. We cut to five years later and Ellie and Joel are living in Jackson. We get the whole e3 kiss trailer scene and it’s aftermath. Ellie and Dina are sent off on a hunting trip to look for supplies. They get caught together by the crazy religious cult, they try to run away but eventually they’re captured. And I know it sounds shitty but I don’t really care about Dina so if she dies she dies lmao 🤷♀️ (still feel this way, i don’t really care about Dina or any of the new characters that were introduced) I was thinking maybe Jesse died too so like Ellie lost her girlfriend and her friend but idk Jesse has barely been mentioned so idk if he’s even gonna be a character past the 2 hour mark (oh boy I was wrong). She lost the only people (other than Joel, I mean) who were the closest to her. That’s still a reason for her to want revenge.
I want Ellie to go on this tirade of revenge against this cult, like just completely wipe out an entire settlement or two and then that scene from the trailer happens were Joel finds her and he’s like “You think I’d let you do this on your own?” (We now know ND lies to us and falsely advertised Joel in that scene when really it was Jesse) and at first Ellie keeps saying “What are you doing here? Go home! I need to do this on my own.”
(Side note text) In my belief the last of us one implied that Ellie did know that Joel was lying to her and that she’s still angry at him because there’s a scene in the dance trailer where Jesse is like ‘Oh your old man always gets really worried when it’s your turn to go out on scouting trips’ and she kind of purses her lips, almost like she’s thinking ‘oh is he now?” so they’re relationship is okay but a obviously rocky
Joel tags along about 2/4 through the game and I think there’s gonna be some tension with them at the beginning. But eventually as they continue on their trip together, they start joking around, talking, warm up to each other again. To the player, it’ll feel like as if the betrayal of trust in the first game never happened..... :) for a while :)
Some shit goings down like 3/4 through the story and things are gonna come to ahead. Ellie sees the main lady who killed her friends and decide to rush her. Joel stops her, they argue and finally Ellie brings up the lie he told. He tries to explain himself but Ellie is angry and not hearing it.
She runs off and goes off to confront the leader of the cult while they are alone. It’s a one on one fight, kind of paralleling the David fight in the first game. But this time Ellie is more confident. “I’m not the same scared little girl I once was.” But it’s not enough. For a moment, it seems like Ellie is outmatched. The cult leader almost kills her but Joe steps in and kills leader to protect Ellie. That makes Ellie even more angry at Joel, because killing that cult leader was her revenge, that was gonna be catharsis for her friends death. She doesn’t speak to him and they go home to Jackson in complete silence. In the end, she takes her stuff and she leaves Jackson. She leaves Joel by himself. He lied to her and killed all those fireflies, all those people to protect her, and now she’s leaving him because of what he did.
The main idea of my story basically comes from Nolan North and Troy Baker (Joel’s actor) playing the first Last Of Us on their YouTube channel Retro Replay. In that playthrough he says he interpreted the story as Ellie basically being on a death march the entire time. She fully expected that she might have to die for the cure to exist. The reason that she was so amazed by the beautiful and horrible world she was in was because she thought she was dying for it. That’s why the giraffe moment in the first game hit so hard. That’s why Riley’s death, Tess’ death, Sam and Henry’s death, and even horrible horrible David’s death hit her so hard. She experienced the best and worst that the world has thrown at her. (Now it turns out that Troy was saying that because he already know how TLOU2 would go)
So my idea is that in this game, she is setting herself up to go on another death march. But this time, to avenge her friends. She wants to go out in a blaze of glory for something that she believes matters. (She ends up saying something similar after Joel almost fights Seth) So in the first game, when Joel stops her from dying for the cure she’s mad at him, and in this one when he stops her for dying/killing for her friends, she’s even more pissed.
It’s a cycle with her and Joel. She wants to die for something that she believes matters and he wants to protect her because of what happened to Sarah. In his selfishness, he doesn’t want to lose another daughter, but Ellie isn’t his to lose. Ellie thinks back to the barn scene in the first game where Joel said ‘You’re right. You’re not my daughter. And I sure as hell ain’t your dad. And we are going our separate ways.”
So she takes him up on that offer. She abandons him the same way he tried to abandon her. And it’s all this big huge thematic circle tying back to the first game.
(Side note text) I was also convinced that the lady from the really violent trailer was 100% Ellie’s mom and there’s was gonna be a small flashback story jumping back between present day and Ellie’s mom and Marlene.
(I really hate it when zombie properties kill main characters because it just completely kills any interest or emotional investment I have in the world of the story. I understand that characters can’t be immortal but there’s ‘a character being immortal’ and then there’s ‘killing off a character in a stupid way for no reason other than shock value or someone hasn’t died in a while, lets pick someone at random.’ The Walking Dead show and game did this to the point where I, and alot of other people, don’t give a shit about anything that’s going on anymore. I was hoping The Last Of Us 2 wouldn’t fall into the pit. So I reaaaaally didn’t want Joel to die because he had so many story opportunities as a character. Joel and Ellie’s relationship is what makes The Last Of Us, The Last Of Us. What is there left to care about if we only have one half of a whole?)
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Hey! Not sure if you made one but can I ask for head cannons for Arthur Morgan (or any of the cowboys really) on their wedding day? I don’t see very much of these and I just love the idea of the boys being happy! 😳
thanks for sending this! I rlly enjoyed writing this, i think leaving most of the character spots empty was rlly fun, i like working with rarer characters!
i’m just now realizing you were asking for happy chars, and like i wrote arthur as more nervous/frazzled but that’s what i feel is accurate
female reader!
Arthur
this man is alll jitters
he’s frankly a bit of a mess leading up to the wedding
engagements are very much not his thing, alright?
but mostly he can push past that by focusing on doing chores, distracting himself
and you can come over and remind him, when he gets a little too lost in his head, of how much you love him, how excited you are to be his wife
that this is real, it’s happening
on the day of, however?
dutch got it in his head that this needs to be something of a ‘proper wedding’, with a cake and flowers and the whole tradition
which means he can’t see you until the ceremony
and he can’t get himself dirty lifting hay bales or going hunting
he just has to sit there, letting susan clean him up and getting himself dressed
he has to wait, and stew in his anxiety
despite the very rational side telling him otherwise, he can’t help but think that you’re desperately trying to find a last-minute way out of this
that you’re going to leave, coming to your senses at the last moment and realizing what a mistake it would be to marry a fool like him
he thinks so little of himself, sees himself as such a hopeless brute, there’s no way you could really want him
even if it’s very much the opposite for you, even if you tell him just about every chance he gets
so when it’s time for the wedding itself, he’s more than a little nervous
despite himself, he finds the ceremony charming. he’s a bit of a hopeless romantic, so the flowers and decorations all look wonderful
still, he’s worried about how much of this is you bending to his wants, because he’s not exactly subtle that he wants a wedding so. damn. bad
but he forces himself to stay put, wait this out
and then, as he’s waiting for hosea to come lead you down the line of chairs and crates they have set up as seating, something in him calms
it’s hard to explain, but it’s like it all clicks into place for him
you’re here
you want this
you’re ready, just as much as he is
he gives a small sigh, shoulders relaxing, and then you appear from behind the young tree branches someone’s bent into an arch
you’re beautiful, dressed up perfectly in the closest thing to a white dress you could get your hands on
you give him a warm smile and he just melts into place
Kieran
surprisingly he’s very lax when it comes to the idea of weddings
you want something big and fancy? he can do that, even if means waiting a bit
you want it to be something small and personal, little more than just the two of you? he’s fine with that too
the only things he really needs are that it’s a wedding, and you’re there
the rest is just window dressing to him
that being said, getting him ready for a wedding is a bit of a hassle
you send him into town with charles and arthur, to get a bath and get himself ready for the ceremony
you hang back in camp, taking a day off with karen and mary-beth and abigail, just enjoying yourself while you let them play around with putting up your hair
you go to molly for help with your make-up, after you’ve put on the nicest dress you own
everything feels… jittery, but welcoming
like the few seconds between the crack of thunder and the first droplets of rain
dutch is charged with keeping the Reverend at least a little sober, and there’s not really much more you want, in the way of ceremony
and then before you know it, the boys are coming back from town,
there’s a flush to kieran’s cheeks, excitement and pride and perhaps just a bit of alcohol
but he’s there, and you’re there, and that makes it perfect
Simon
okay so little known fact about simon
he is 100% a worrywort and will start fussing if things are even a little out-of-plan
like he's the guy on vacation that has to have things planned down to the rest stops
so he's pacing the entire time waiting for the ceremony
asking people to check on the food, the cake, the altar, the decorations
asking if you're okay to go, really, wanting to go out and look for himself
he might just slip off to go check on things if he can, take care of something himself
simon's a man of ritual, i feel like he'd definitely want a 'real' wedding with all of the bells and whistles
probably the closest to wanting what we in the modern age would want, given that he grew up in something of a high society (i think??)
so he wants something big, official
he also has a history of being taken advantage of in situations like this
personally i see his first wife/fiancee as a very quick/ thing, with dutch offering to take care of the problem and ensure that the wedding doesn't count, legally
and maybe dipping into his funds a little? idk
so he doesn't really trust all that well, at least with 'official' things like this
you've definitely been dating a few years before he'll ask, and it'll definitely be something planned, something he's deliberated over for a while
it feels almost… overdue, when he asks, like you should've done this a long time ago
so on the day of, he's more stressed than nervous
everything will work out, he just has to have everything perfect
i'm assuming this takes place a little bit after the gang falls apart, the two of you heading off to live in rhodes together, a somewhat cramped apartment above the store
so the ceremony is smaller, more personal, with only a few friends the two of you have gotten close to in town
you can hear him bullying someone about the flowers from where you're getting ready, letting one of the girls from town put your hair together
there's something reassuring about it you can't trace
and when it comes time to go down the aisle, everything looks perfect, the decorations are pristine, the flowers are bright and cheerful
you're alone, without anyone to guide you down the aisle, and it's a little sad that there's no one from your former life to see you through it
but there's something almost freeing about it too
this is a new start for you both, and you're going to go through it together
Mary-Beth
mary-beth is a bit of a romantic at heart, in my eyes
she doesn't need a big ceremony, or any overly fancy
she just takes you and swanson out to a scenic spot under a very big, old magnolia tree, deep in the woods
(we're ignoring the fact that he probably wouldn't be nice about the two of you because fiction can be catharsis and all that)
tilly and karen are there as witnesses, bridesmaids, and hosea offers to lead you through the wood in place of your father
it's quiet and scenic; something you'll think about for the rest of your life
she has her vows planned out, flowery poetry and gushing prose
next to it yours feel a little overdone and stiff, but you say them anyway
she's sweet and honest and perfect and even if you're not 'really' married you'll love her until the day you die
#red dead redemption 2#rdr2#arthur morgan#arthur x reader#kieran duffy#kieran x reader#simon pearson#simon x reader#mary-beth gaskill#mary-beth x reader#reader insert#wedding#this was rlly fun#i like getting to write more varied characters#there was a bill one but it wasn't coming out well so i cut it#mary-beth's is a little short but i'm still getting the hang of her#oh man i should've done a mcree fill!#oh well#next time#uhumm#tumblr???#wanna explain these new editing decisions you've made???#emmieaction
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A Buffy rewatch 5x20 Spiral
aka cause you had a bad day
Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.
And I’m not sure yet what to focus on with today’s action-packed transition-y episode that’s part of our big finale saga, but I do know how to sell it to you. Woman with sword throws axe to murder a man. There, that’s my elevator pitch for Tumblr.
Spiral is relentless in its pace and is yet also weirdly static - which actually works for its story. Buffy decides that as she can’t fight Glory, they all need to get the fuck out of Sunnydale. They’re on the move for most of the episode, but they’re only delaying the inevitable, and in a classic ironic twist, end up inviting their enemies to their doorstep.
I guess, first of all, let’s talk about these crusaders, because oh boy. It’s rare for Buffy to kill another human being, but these guys are just dropping like flies in this episode. One of them even got an axe into his chest.
Which got me thinking, because I recognized the writer of Spiral, Steven S. DeKnight primarily from his Angel credits. (He was apparently a story editor for season 6 of Buffy though which… yeah, I can see that.) And suddenly these crusade guys with their weird religious ties and their supposed war with Buffy made much more sense. They would be a perfect fit in Angel the series.
In Buffy’s world… maybe not so much. But the world of Buffy is also ever-evolving. Just as Buffy herself grows and changes a lot with each season, so do her enemies and the challenges and dilemmas she faces.
Speaking of Buffy’s enemies… Let’s talk about Glory I guess. And on an unrelated note, Ben.
Now, I know that Glory is one of people’s favorite Big Bads. And I get it. This is a wonderful, highly entertaining performance by Clare Kramer, not to mention that she’s one of the only female Big Bads the show has throughout its run. (Other than Willow in s6, I guess?? And of course The First has no gender.) Still, I mostly avoided discussing her throughout the season, because there are several rabbit holes that we can go down when it comes to Glory, and I don’t have the capacity to lead us through any of them.
First, there’s the idea of Glory being some kind of representation of mental instability. Her condition is also strangely… infectious? What with her messing with other people’s heads to ease her own state of mind.
So I guess in that sense, we could interpret it more as Glory perhaps continuing a cycle of abuse? Making other people suffer in the way she has in order to momentarily make herself feel better? Idk guys, I’m reaching here and I’m way out of my depth.
I also remember Glory having a great speech in an episode or two from now that’ll probably be a better base for an interpretation anyway, so let’s put a pin on that.
Of course, what this episode chooses to focus on more is the other association we have of Glory. And Ben.
As Buffy and Wade Williams were talking about Glory being trapped “in the body of a human male”, I couldn’t help but feel like we were leaning on a transgender / gender-fluid metaphor? Maybe?
I AM VERY OUT OF MY DEPTH HERE.
Which is why I’m not even gonna try and further dissect what the show is saying or trying to say here, and in what ways it can be interpreted. I have no takes or a valuable perspective to add, even after a whole season of trying to figure it out. So I’ll just leave it at acknowledging that there’s something there. I’m unsure of what that is, but it’s something.
Something tangential that I’ve been thinking about though, is how the show isn’t really trying to sell us on a Glory - bad, Ben - good duality. We’ll see that in the finale too, but even as early as episode 9, Ben is revealed to have summoned the alien demon who was murdering mental patients.
This creates an interesting dichotomy, where Ben, a mostly decent guy becomes unsympathetic through inaction, and Glory, a self-obsessed hell-demon who wants to murder all of our heroes becomes sympathetic through her honesty.
The truth is, Glory is irredeemable, but it’s not like she wants to be redeemed. She’s self-aware of who and what she is and what her goals are. She’s consistent in her chaos. She’s the devil you know.
Meanwhile Ben is a nurse, but it’s more out of a desire to feel close to people and humanity, than a genuine want to help them. He summons the alien demon to “clean up Glory’s mess”, and despite protecting Dawn’s identity, he mostly he just seems annoyed with Glory, rather than understanding the danger she poses to Dawn and all of humanity, and the role he plays in it. He just wants to live.
Glory is an evil force of nature whose single-mindedness and candid attitude is strangely comforting. Ben is painfully human with understandable motivations and a moral ambiguity we could relate to.
And, as always, there’s Buffy.
Buffy who is terrified and doesn’t know what to do. Still, I actually admire the fact that she took action. Running away is often demonized as a concept, but there are many forms that that can take.
Avoiding your problems is usually a bad instinct, and one that can worsen and snowball your issues into something much, much worse. But not every situation in your life is one where you should or will be able to pick fight over flight. Sometimes we really do need to remove ourselves from a root cause in order to process and move forward.
Granted, when Buffy does that at the end of season 2, it mostly just ends up putting her in a whole depression funk. But it’s hard to cope when you feel like you have no support to rely on.
This is of course a very different case though, almost on the opposite spectrum. Buffy isn’t just running away from her problems - she’s trying to keep her friends and family safe. She doesn’t think that she can protect them, so she’s removing all of them from the conflict for the time being.
In addition, in a conversation with Dawn when talking about all the things that’s happened, she says “Riley. Glory. Tara. Mom”. Four names. One is representing Buffy’s fears of her emotional unavailability. One her fears of not being strong enough to match the evil in this world. One her fears of not being able to protect and save the people she loves. And one is the helplessness she feels in the face of things and deaths she has no control over.
And then it all culminates in the last scene where all of those fears come to ahead. Glory takes Dawn as Buffy watches, helpless, from behind Willow’s magical barrier.
Is it any wonder that it breaks her? She’s had a really bad day. And it’s not getting any better.
Meanwhile I identify with Xander’s motion sickness, and with literally everyone trying to take care of Tara in the gang. It’s fine.
It’s always darkest before… it gets even darker, because this is Buffy, and we’re here for that sweet sweet emotional catharsis we get out of suffering through the pain.
Next up is even more depression. Stay tuned!
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idk if you've ever talked about this, or if someone has asked before, but do you think it's possible that brienne could be the "younger, more beautiful woman" from cersei's prophecy? I just read a post by someone who had a theory about that and while I'm not fully convinced, it also makes a surprising amount of sense. the "younger" bit is obvious and as far as the "more beautiful" part is concerned, it could mean different things (like "beautiful on the inside" or since beauty is subjective, (c)
(c) it could mean "subjectively more beautiful", maybe to jaime or something). because the prophecy does say the "younger, more beautiful woman" would take from cersei everything she holds dear/loves, and I know she loves power and herself most of all, but it /could/ include jaime. and tbh, brienne has already "taken" jaime from her, since he went with her instead of responding to cersei's letter. also, if he's the valonqar, it stands to reason he's going to be the one to kill her, and I (c) always thought if that happens, it'll involve brienne somehow (like jaime will kill cersei in order to save/protect brienne somehow). so do you think there is a possibility that brienne /could/ be the "younger, more beautiful woman" from the prophecy? I know everyone thinks it's dany, but I think it'd be much more interesting if it turned out to be brienne. especially because cersei would never in a million years see it coming. and I'd love her utter shock lol.
first thing: my pal @robb-greyjoy once wrote excellent meta about the specific possibility of brienne being the younger and more beautiful queen and jaime actually getting kingship and honestly it’s a lot better put together/thought than any theory I have on that specific prophecy so I’ll just go and say that his opinion on the subject is imo fairly well-thought/sourced and honestly if it happens it’s probably gonna go like that for those reasons.
second thing: the maggy prophecy is the one on which I don’t have VERY SURE ANSWERS (differently than the aa/tpwp one) because it’s worded VERY vaguely and cryptically for very good reasons EXCEPT that I have a pet crackpot theory I’ll discuss at the end of this. buckle up because this is gonna be long as fuck but when it comes to prophecies I like to basically tear that shit apart by comma XD
now, what I mean is, we have:
“Queen you shall be… until there comes another, younger and more beautiful, to cast you down and take all that you hold dear.”“Will the king and I have children?”
"Oh, aye. Six-and-ten for him, and three for you. Gold shall be their crowns and gold their shrouds, she said. And when your tears have drowned you, the valonqar shall wrap his hands about your pale white throat and choke the life from you.”
now, this shit is worded VERY carefully for a reason (as tyrion said: PROPHECY IS A MULE THAT KICKS YOU IN THE TEETH) and when it comes to asoiaf prophecies I think the most important part when analyzing them is that the solution is never the one the characters think or that seems the most obvious to them. like, tldr but when it comes to azor ahai/tptwp I’m 100% in the jon snow camp because of the death that COMPLETELY FULFILLS THE REQUIREMENTS GOING BY BACKROADS/HINTS AND NOT BEING OBVIOUS and like... for US it’s obvious but for people in westeros? JON SNOW being azor ahai is basically wtf forreal, it’s not narratively obvious for THEM. anyway never mind my opinion about jon being AA, that was to explain how I go at this kinda shit. now, sadly for us, the OBVIOUS canon elements to decipher the maggy prophecy are not all there because again, let’s go in order:
“Queen you shall be… until there comes another, younger and more beautiful, to cast you down and take all that you hold dear.”
now this bit already is problematic af because if we go at it STRICTLY LINGUISTICALLY:
‘until there comes another’: this already is a minefield because in english it could both be ‘another queen’, or ‘another woman’ or ‘another person’ and it’s not specified at all whether that person is male or female, just younger and more beautiful - now, I once used that loophole to write crack fic where JON was actually that person but I mean... it could absolutely be a man as far as grammar says, so like this younger and more beautiful person could be a) a new queen, b) another person either male or female we just don’t know;
‘take all that you hold dear’: problem is, now here we’re on another level of interpretation because that implies deciding what cersei holds dear. now, I absolutely do not subscribe to the school that she holds dear her children bar joffrey and I think she thinks she holds jaime dear but the only things she holds dear are a) herself, b) the iron throne, c) power, d) her position. so, do we go with what cersei thinks she holds dear, or what she really holds dear?
and that’s problem one.
problem two, the other bit:
“Will the king and I have children?”
"Oh, aye. Six-and-ten for him, and three for you. Gold shall be their crowns and gold their shrouds, she said. And when your tears have drowned you, the valonqar shall wrap his hands about your pale white throat and choke the life from you.”
this also has a SHITLOAD of language to unpack, specifically:
‘will the king and I have children’ + ‘sixteen for him and three for you’. obviously robert had sixteen bastards and she had three with jaime but she asked WILL THE KING AND I HAVE CHILDREN so if maggy’s replying separately like will he have them and I will I have them it adds, if it’s implied that cersei’s three are with the king then it gives more credit to @robb-greyjoy‘s theory about jaime getting kingship at some point (even if I think that’s going to go to jon eventually but there could be others in between);
‘gold shall be their crowns’ also implies that myrcella gets to reign before she inevitably dies but nvm we can at least suppose that all of those three kids die period BUT if we include them in the ‘all that you hold dear’ part then younger and more beautiful whoever they are has to be somehow involved in it but I would exclude that option tbqh;
‘when your tears have drowned you’ has to be after losing all she holds dear because cersei crying for any other reason is out of the question;
also, if her aerys wildfire plot is also book canon (and I think it is) then it has to be after that, too, so we can put it safely either at the end of six or early seven;
‘the valonqar shall wrap his hands’: now this one is THE minefield. first thing: we can absolutely and utterly exclude that it’s tyrion because cersei thinks he is (same as we can exclude margaery from the younger and more beautiful pick of people because cersei thinks it’s her), and not just because cersei is REALLY unreliable in the sense that until now ANY TIME she’s assumed something it turned out to be the contrary, but because as stated above: the person is not who the narrative would make characters assume. AA is jon snow and no one in westeros would even consider it (melisandre HAS R’HOLLOR SPELL IT FOR HER AND SHE DOESN’T GET IT) and the valonqar is no one obvious. now, I used to think it had to be jaime because the text specified he’s younger than her technically and because she doesn’t expect him to be at all BUT there’s also a few reasons why I don’t know if jaime’s the most likely candidate now - I prob. had too much time to think about it BUT...
a) jaime doesn’t have hands, he has just one, and choking someone with a fake hand is usually not a good idea if you don’t want a fight;b) cersei is convinced that they’re going to die in a murder-suicide dumbass way and him killing her is still half of it and eeeeh idk;c) jaime does not need any further trauma tied to her tbh I mean I don’t think he’d gain anything by killing her and certainly not catharsis;d) I’m 99,9% convinced that jaime and brienne post-stoneheart go looking for sansa together (remember that he hasn’t been seen for weeks when cersei asks where the hell he disappeared at the end of adwd) and swearing fealty to her together and going north which would put jaime way out of the way geographically (sure he could come back later if there’s a book equivalent of the cersei/jon/dany meeting in the pit but TO KILL CERSEI SPECIFICALLY esp. if at that point he’s left her for brienne for good? dunno.) also I’m also 100% convinced that the prophecy bran had in agot where he saw sansa in a snow castle with three people defending her from a giant is jaime/brienne/sandor vs gregor unless I remember it wholly wrong but nvm;e) jaime’s thematic journey is also to get the fuck away from cersei and have his own life and idk if being the valonqar works with that;f) choking is... a fairly personal and cruel method of killing someone so unless this is metaphorical (possibly) idk if I see jaime who has been seen favoring clean, quick deaths and wanting one for himself would kill someone by choking when it’s slow, painful and he’d have to literally watch her life disappear from under his hands, and that someone being CERSEI I mean even not loving her anymore I can’t see him wanting to make her suffer when killing her if he did that at all;
also: it says ‘the’ valonqar, not your valonqar. cersei thinks it’s HER valonqar. but maggy never said that;
moral of the story: it could literally be ANYONE’S FUCKING YOUNGER BROTHER not necessarily hers;
and on top of that............ large mega extra spoiler: no one especially not maggy hasn’t said that the valonquar and younger and more beautiful aren’t the same person. like, I might be reaching here, but like.... you can’t rule that out.
so like, at the end of this entire delirium I think we can reasonably say the following:
cersei’s going to lose her crown before she inevitably dies;
her downfall will have to be tied to someone younger and more beautiful than she is but we don’t know if it’s a queen or if it’s not;
she’s dying choked or anyway suffocated and whoever’s doing it is someone’s younger sibling not necessarily hers;
tommen and myrcella are dying before she does;
it’s not tyrion;
it’s sure as hell not margaery.
now, again, we can reasonably suppose that her trial in the book ends like the one in the show ie she blows up the sept with AT LEAST the high sparrow and margaery inside it. and that’s like all about it.
now, again: I do like the idea of brienne being the younger and more beautiful person that takes jaime away from her, but I highly doubt it’s likely if it means her being QUEEN or taking cersei’s actual place, but if everything cersei holds dear also means power and her throne..... I don’t know how brienne is gonna do it. I mean, out of any woman in the run she’s the one with most likely chances and for those reason I refer you to damien’s meta above because like I 100% agree with that reasoning given that it happens, but as stated before if she’s off with jaime doing knight shit and saving sansa and hopefully getting him laid it might cause issues. I also would exclude sansa categorically bc she’s going north and that’s where her story’s headed so she’s not coming back to KL to take cersei’s place and dany seems way too obvious too me and also I don’t think cersei’s lasting until dany even gets to westeros in the book timeline imo. sure dany’s a valonqar, but also.... why the fuck would dany choke cersei when she can feed her to drogon? I mean, still more likely than sansa or marg (who’s toast) but less than brienne and still not exactly working out.
that said: as far as I personally am concerned, I’m more leaning towards thinking that the valonqar is a man but not cersei’s (also because to choke people you have to be strong and brienne choking cersei is out of the question she wouldn’t do that she’d give her a clean death if she had to kill her) and I’m not excluding that the valonqar is also younger and more beautiful.
NOW, thing is: at this point anyone is a good candidate. I mean, again, with these elements I could give you a mostly convincing case of fucking jon snow being the valonqar AND younger and more beautiful that would crumble on itself the moment we’d go back to the choking because jon wouldn’t choke her to death he’d have no reason, but other than that: jon’s younger, book version jon’s most likely more beautiful than she is ON THE INSIDE AT LEAST (show version is way prettier lmao), jon has the best claim on the iron throne among the current people if you’re a targ sympathizer or if stannis dies along with shireen (probable tho not like in the show) so if he takes the throne he would take away everything she holds dear. AND jon is actually a valonqar if you consider him rhaegar’s last son.
except that as stated it makes no sense with the choking and time-wise it makes no sense, right?
right. so now I know we’re wildly beyond the original purpose of this question but follow me a moment because I have a crackpot theory about this that MIGHT ACTUALLY NOT BE SO CRACKPOT.
step one: we have stated that the valonqar has to be a male younger sibling of someone’s who would have very good reasons to choke cersei. and we established that younger and more beautiful takes away everything she holds dear which to me is not jaime but her throne. we also can reasonably assume margaery dies when cersei inevitably explodes the sept and that tommen/myrcella die after SOMEHOW.
step two: who is someone’s younger sibling who is alive in the book and who would want to choke cersei for revenge and who is reasonably near king’s landing at this point in the narrative? idk but this dude is not dead in the book:
I mean, would work, right? knight, certainly not weak, cersei’s sent him on a death mission and has written him for dead, would certainly want to avenge his sister disfigured or not. could work as younger and more beautiful too except that he’s most likely disfigured now, but I mean, how the fuck would loras even do it?
step three: who are the two assholes who are technically about to invade storm’s end? aegon vi targaryen and jon connington. what happens after they most likely take it? they realize that stannis’s residence was actually dragonstone or most likely move on to dragonstone. who is on dragonstone?
yeah, exactly.
step four: so let’s say that meanwhile news arrive that cersei blew up margaery and tommen’s dead. loras most likely doesn’t appreciate. also let’s remember that aegon’s requirements to get into his kg are ‘you should be willing to die for me’ and that’s it and loras was ready to die for tommen but I MEAN NVM THAT.
step five: let’s say loras decides he’s Done and wants revenge so he teams up with them to turn his cloak on cersei and helps them get to king’s landing - possible, especially since no one would stop them with stannis being north.
step five: is aegon vi targaryen younger and more beautiful than cersei? most importantly, does he have a claim to the throne (nvm if he’s real or fake it’s not important now)? even more important, varys is in king’s landing keeping cersei’s ruling on a fucking respirator because he’s waiting for aegon and jonc to get there and he needs her there because she’s a weak ruler and she’s insane so people would of course want her deposed and varys has been planning that for fucking years. long story short: aegon vi targaryen fits all the younger and more beautiful that will cast you away parts of that prophecy and cersei doesn’t even suspect that he exists, while loras fits perfectly the valonqar part of it and would have very good reasons to want to choke her to death if she killed his sister. and even if loras was not the valonqar... aegon is someone’s valonqar (rhaenys’s) and like he probably wouldn’t have reasons SPECIFICALLY to choke her to death but I mean if cersei went off about his mother or something like that.... still more probable than jaime given all of the above.
conclusion, at the end of this goddamned mess of a novel: the younger and more beautiful person who’ll cast her away and take what she holds dear (her throne) could very well be aegon and the valonqar could be loras.
idk if I’m betting real money on it but I think I have a pretty solid case here. IDK GUYS.
tldr: I like the brienne theory but I’m skeptical on how it works and while I absolutely would not bet real money on the above, I think it’s...... more textually plausible.
thanks for coming to my ted talk and sorry for having gone completely off the rails with this question but if it actually happens I want it written down somewhere that I actually had thought this through XD
#asoiaf meta#valonqar theory#aegon vi targaryen#loras tyrell#janie writes meta#IDK IF I INVADED SOMEONE'S TAGS BUT I'M KINDA VERY PROUD OF THIS REASONING SO#ch: cersei lannister#ch: jaime lannister#ch: brienne of tarth#jaime x brienne#long post for ts#Anonymous#ask post
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In case you needed reminding from me for the eighth (maybe....? IDK I chose a number) time, that tower had no doors and no indoor plumbing. None. Now, work that into the fact that Alice had absolutely no way to leave and her only means of privacy were if her father were to climb down their awkwardmuffleduncertainty-foot tower, and the fact that Killian had likely very little in terms of shame with being raised in the modern-convenience-lacking time and place he was raised in plus living so long on a pirate ship, and those two are about as comfortable with each other as anyone ever could hope to be. Like, maybe even more than hope to be.
They’re also in a time and place where she’s not able to get vaccinated and also is only exposed to diseases he carries with him, so any time she’s sick, it’s his fault. The food he brings home, the germs he brings in, etc. Sorry, that’s the truth. Any gross cold, high fever, bout of food poisoning, or stomach flu is something he’s given to her.
So, to add to the horribleness of the tower, just imagine the two of them stuck together with a stomach flu. I don’t even need to elaborate here. Just...just imagine it. There are fresh kinds of torture all over OUAT, but this has to be up at the top.
He, I’m sure, tried to make things in the tower as hygienically pleasant as possible, and that included bringing in various soaps and oils in addition to perhaps making things himself, much like I imagine they did with marmalade and various jams. You all saw that place. In spite of having mountains of toys, it was otherwise clean and well-organized.
Carrying water up and down that tower must have been a nightmare, though I think it was blessedly unnecessary. Because we know Gothel had magicked it somehow to support the life of whomever was stuck in it, I do believe it thankfully provides a certain amount of water each day. In Alice’s younger days, Killian was careful to ration it to when it was absolutely needed, always using just a little bit more each time to test its limits. He’d be careful not too use too much for their baths, and he went thirsty often in those early days until he was convinced the tower provided as much as they needed whenever they needed it.
You cannot convince me they did not keep one of the softer-leaved plants Gothel left behind around for the sole purpose of... cleaning. It also provided a sort of catharsis each time it was used. Just imagine Killian sitting there on his throne, curtain closed because they at least want to pretend to have some sort of privacy, reading the realm’s news of the day. He’s all ready to be done and each time he has a smile on his face as he grabs what she left behind and...
Now I’m giggling and I need to stop before I go down such a rabbit hole that we’re all embarrassed.
#weirdness from kms#i'm not even going to tag this as anything else other than#knightrook headcanons#wtf am i even doing?
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Okay....
The other day. Well. Yeah. We've been having problems ever since we came back and I'm sure I've been sharing it from time to time and for some reason over the weekend, or maybe it's the build up or keeping it in for too long or not being honest and sharing with A how I feel. But I have shared with him. The things that have been going on between us is nothing new. Just the same old same old.
The thing was idk what day it was.. Friday night? Everything was going alright that day and then I made a comment that triggered him and he got mad at me for not owning what I said? When really I just didn't want to fight that night and day after he was mad at me the whole day. Barely spoke to me and when I kept asking him if he was okay, he said he was fine but didn't say anything else.
I knew he was mad at me for that but I mean.. why do I have to be the one to bring it up first? I asked him throughout the day if he was okay. He should have spoke up about it if it was bothering him so much. So nighttime comes and finally we talk about it and he asked me to go to the other room and when I got up to grab my stuff and go he just got all pissed that I couldn't just own up to my words and apologize. I was like seriously? You're mad about this.. it's such a small matter. Like I really don't have the energy to keep fighting like this.
The next day... Actually... I feel like I'm not remembering the days correctly. No this is right. The next day. Didn't talk again and I finally couldn't handle it anymore. So I went over to him and apologized for that day and the night before for the fight. Then we talked about it and we were okay.
The next morning... he had this dream of me and just kinda went off on me saying I cry too much and that I'm useless and that every dream he has of me is never good or he doesn't have a catharsis. He told me how he didn't care if I stayed or if I left, which made me feel like... why am I still with him? I mean he has no desire to stay with me or no desire to keep me. It doesn't seem like he needs me either so why should I try or want to be with him. So I told him that I think what's best for us is that we just end it and move on. He kept asking me what I was going to do and I hate when he asks because he says I'm still his responsibility since I'm here by myself. I just told him that I was going to move closer to work and stay for another year and then maybe move back home. And idk. He was like if you already thought of this then go. Pack your stuff and get out of here.
I told him I have no where to go because we're in lockdown and no one is renting out their place right now. Where should I go? And he just kept saying how he was done being nice to me and then his friend called. I told him I wanted to go for a walk and just that whole time during the walk I felt so ready to give up. I was done fighting for this and if he didn't feel the same way as me and feels like we can't be happy together then I wanted to end it.
I finally went to the temple on the corner of the neighborhood and prayed that we would both be okay or that if it comes to it that I would be okay.
I walk back to 7 and he calls me and tells me he wants to talk with me. So I told him that I still wanted to keep walking and he said okay. Then he calls me again and says he really wants to talk to me so I told him to give 5 mins and I would be back.
I go home and I walk in. He immediately apologizes for how he's been. After talking with his friend, he realized how supportive I've been for him. I keep him grounded or I never put any unrealistic expectation for him and he kept trying to complicate my feelings for him and I told him that I simply love him unconditionally and he silently nodded.
He told me that he never wanted me to leave and that he sees me being with him in the next phase of his life. That when it was the two of us in the States I was his support system. 100% was me. Me and him against the world. He told his parents that he wouldn't have came back here if I didn't go with him. And now that he's here, his support system has widen to his parents and his friends. But he still wants me to be by his side because unlike his mom and his sister, I don't tear him down, I've always been supportive to him and that is a trait that he values about me.
So. Idk. I don't see a life without him either. Idk if he feels that way. I mean he said it himself, if he didn't want to be with me he would have screwed around in China but he didn't. Which is true. He had the opportunity to and hide it from me but he called me everyday like he said he would.
Do we fight like old couples? His words. Yeah we do. I swear we just spend wayyy too much time together. I told him that I just was not ready for this role of being a daughter-in-law. I felt like our fun time was cut so short. We were only together for a year before the lockdown back in the States and then when we got here it got serious way too fast. He left for China shortly after and then I started working and then he left for China again and now we're in lockdown. We've mostly spent all that time in lockdown together watching movies, tv shows, or playing game. Not really having our own life outside from the two of us and yeah.. Of course we would constantly be fighting. We're not really growing.
I love my husband. I picture myself having kids with him and I know he does too. The other day he was talking about how our kids will have broad shoulders since we both have broad shoulders. And I just see hope whatever is going on right now is just a phrase. I mean... I've talked to some people about the first year of major and it seems rough. We're actually almost there... our anniversary is next month! LOL i wonder if he remembers? Actually we have a lot of dates... that I seem to only care about and remember. But 8/20 and 12/8 are our anniversary date. Former is the states one and latter is the one here. And if we have another wedding, that's another date XD
It was an emotional weekend. Crazyyy weekend.
He has a very boyish smile. It's very cute. Idk why but I also love watching him clean. I love how focus he gets and I love how gently he is when he puts stuff away. Sometimes he'll pat stuff like towels or bedsheets to smooth it out but it's so cute. Okay.. I also love his hands... Haha. They're very meaty and a little rough but also very nice to hold. I also like how he lets me slip into his arms and lets me spoon. or when he brings my pillow over to him so that I can also comfortably cuddle with him. or how he'll let me rest on his chest... and I sometimes drool and he won't say anything.
He's... ugh. He's not here right now and I want to hug him. Nuzzle my face in his chest which he hates haha, but he still lets me do it anyways :3.
Okayyy this is getting too long and I didn't even say the main point of the previous post. Me praying.... Did god change his mind? I mean obviously my husband, with space and time, he realizes his mistakes and will apologize. But... I just also wonder and maybe I'm naive or want to believe an external force changed his mind? Are we fated to be together, I mean stay together? Or is A just truly in love with me that he wants to make this work no matter what?
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Absence/From The Heart
So I’ve been gone quite some time. But as usual, I don’t want to spend too much time on that and I just want to dive into reflection and feelings concerning my mother. But I should mention some things. I felt compelled to start this blog, and it’s almost like, once I started it and wrote so much in the beginning, it relived a lot of what I was struggling with inside about all this, so I didn’t feel as compelled to write anymore. That and I’ve gotten busier and busier getting my life back together.
My life right now feels crazy. My mom’s appearing sicker and sicker from chemo treatment. I just received some very concerning news about a family member very close to my heart. And I’ve just seen 3 of the greatest films of the year within a 2 week period. My life feels so intense. It sounds silly but it’s true. I wouldn’t call it a dream, because I feel that implies something I desire. And I wouldn’t call it a movie because that implies a base of fiction, and this is all very real. Surreal would probably be the right word to describe this.
But let me just dive into free flowing thoughts about my mom and see what becomes of this.
I think about my mom and how I remember her when I was smaller. She had a lot of energy. She still does now, but it’s hidden and fighting under an ugly sickness, I don’t know how to address it properly. Cancer sounds so scary.
She’s lost basically all of her hair now. I tell her to shave it so it doesn’t look so....I don’t know...outstanding in a rough sort of way basically. But I think she’d like to hang on to all the hair she can.
It’s so hard for me to talk about my mom like this. She always seemed so strong to me, and she still does, but it’s hard to think about how this sickness is bringing her down, or at least trying to.
It’s been so long and I’d rather save time by not re-reading everything so far so I’m not sure if I’m repeating myself. But she’s putting all of us to shame. She’s still busy running around the house, keeping things in order and clean. What are we going to do without her. Us two males, my stepfather and me might become quite lost. My mom doesn’t want me to think that way of course, but I cannot help it.
Have I talked about how my mom is my best friend in the whole world? She is my whole world. I know that probably doesn’t sound exceptional. I’m sure most people are close to their mothers and I’m just another person. But this is all I can do as my own person, my own personal “catharsis” for all this as my sister said.
Maybe I should talk about what my mom was long when I was much smaller, in her younger years. She was very outgoing with all her female friends early on from what I can remember in my early adolescence. Actually, there were multiple times where I would cry so hard at night missing her and hoping she was okay when she stayed out late. I just couldn’t slip. My brain insisted on crying until she came home. That’s just one of many examples of my extreme attachment. It may be a bad thing, but it is what it is. I’m not going to shy away from it now, in this moment.
It’s been hard seeing her get sicker and sicker, suffering side effects from the chemo. But as long as it works, I believe this wil be all worth it. She had stomach problems, and then we got her medicine for that. She complained of severe throat pain and started losing her voice so I googled remedies for that on reddit like I do for EVERYTHING and like I’ve been doing for EVERYTHING concerning her and even my own personal life and daily remedies I need. And I saw that honey/ginger/and lemon tea seemed to be a popular soothing solution. So I made her some and it seemed to make a difference.
I know it seems small compared to everything else, but I don’t know, I don’t know what else to do. I feel so helpless so many times thinking about it. I’m ashamed I might not be a good son. That I’m not stronger. That I’m not more independent. I can’t help it. I’m not trying to make excuses and I can explain it but that’s not what I want this to be about. I wish I could make this go away for her with all of my might. Like I wish I could hug and squeeze the sickness out of her. I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless. Sometimes I feel inadequate, but medication is help even/block that out.
Then she got a bloody nose recently and that’s worried us. But again, I just want her to be strong because I know chemo is the most effective form of treatment we basically have, so all my faith is in it. I just want to keep her weight up and her emotions high.
Not so long ago we got into an argument that I really regret. And I’ve vowed to never get into another argument with her again, no mater what, to keep her stress levels as low as possible.
I even want her to stop going outside because I know she can protect her vital immune system that way. When I secluded myself for almost a whole year on two different occassions, I NEVER got sick during them. I firmly believe this is because I never left the house and we keep our house very clean. All the various viruses and bacteria are all out there, in the wild atmosphere. But I honestly don’t think I’m going to get her to stop. She wants to stay active and for things to appear as normal and possible, and I totally respect that. I just really really want to protect her health.
I could talk about us going to the movie theater together, but idk. That’s not really striking me right now.
I might of mentioned this before, but something that’s been consistent about the way my brain has been dealing with this, is, a lot of times I’ll forget about this reality and like block out the fact that she’s sick and go about myself as if everything is fine, not thinking about it. I’ll sort of lose myself, like I really tend to do. And then, out of nowhere, like in some moments of boredom or stillness, it’ll hit me. How crazy it is to see my mom like this with such a grave sickness. The fact that I could very well lose her. The fact that the rest of my life could be without her completely. And then it just kills me. Like a punch in the gut, I lose the control or feeling of air or oxygen in my system and I sort of feel lifeless or like nothingness, a sort of loss of identity or purpose on top of the lack of them that I already have. And it only adds to the helplessness.
I really didn’t ever think things would be this way, that my life would turn out like this. I suppose I took my relationship with her for granted, but I don’t know, I just figured we still had some decades together. That eventually I would figure myself out and I could really start to pay my mom back and we could really start doing things together worthy of dreams. But now I don’t know if that time is ever going to come. It’s probably just best to look back on the life we had together for what it is. I don’t even know what to call it or how to classify or quantify it.
I should have been such a better son. As my mom said, this whole experience has been so “eye-opening”.
I miss my mom ALL THE TIME at work. ALL THE TIME. I just wish I could lay with her forever as she experiences this thing and rides it all out, however it ends. That’s why it’s so important for me to take her to chemo myself. I have to do this. I need to do a better job at creating moments with her while I still have her and I really am getting better rapidly and rapidly. It’s a funny thing what you do in desperate times when survival instincts really kick in. We should make simulators for that to help out people before things get seriously bad.
I’m fortunate enough to have sorted enough of my own problems out for this, to be able to be there for her in whatever capacity I am able to.
I want to get better and better at cleaning the house and upkeeping it, I’m going to have to, and I should have just in general. I’ve been cleaning the floors on my hands and knees and I’ve actually been enjoying it.
I really want my mom to write an epic list of everything important about life, all her advice, her guidelines, her tips, her ways. I want her to write a book. A guide to life for me. So she could still be with me when she’s gone. Maybe we’ll start to work on that, but I’m so busy.
I don’t know what else to say. I’m trying to get better, I really am, and I truly believe I’m making quite the head way. I miss her every moment I’m gone. When I drove to the theater in Chicago alone for the first time in a long time, I immediately felt her abscence in the car as I started to make the drive there. It was so quick and powerful, so noticeable and loud. It hurt so much. I seriously debated turning the car around and just staying home and hugging her. But I know she wouldn’t want me to do that. She would want me to live my own life and follow my own desires, as hard as that may be for me.
I’m getting tired unfortunately, but frankly I’m quite proud I finally got around to writing this. I told myself today at work that this was the first thing I was going to do after spending time with her when I got home from work until she fell asleep, if it’s the last thing I do. And I did it.
I just think about the punishment I’m seeing her body and mind and spirit take and I just have to block it out and fight the thoughts because if I really think about it, I might lose it. The reality of living a life without her in it at all is so mindblowing, it just leaves me with no air, that’s the best way to describe it. It feels like this huge black hole or void engulfs my whole chest/rib cage inside of me. I want to be a better son, a better person, and I am working on it. So far, so good.
Hopefully I don’t take a long break from writing here again. I’d like to get more specific or focused next time, but I just really wanted a legit refresher at least and I think I got it. I still have to go into more depth about what she was like when I was much smaller, a child. You guys, please ask specific questions to help spark ideas from me, to bring it out from me, and to keep me writing.
I don’t know. It feels like such a crazy ridiculous time. And I’m always worried that my anxiety will come back and I’ll shut off and seclude once more, but luckily it hasn’t really these past couple months especially. You have NO IDEA how truly grateful I am for that. And you have no idea how grateful I am for everyone’s support. I want to send a special shout out to my close internet friends Rosa, Chelsea, and Lily who were there for me from the first day I found out about my mother’s sickness and have always made themselves available for me throughout this whole time and have never really faltered. And a big thanks to each and every one of my family members for everything they’ve done, the gifts they bring, and the love they give. It’s invaluable. And to my co-workers who know my mom, thank you for your kind words and concerns.
Alright, I’ll leave for now and just be happy that I did this.
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I have more photos of our @taylorswift nursery, but I’m getting tired, so this will be my last for tonight. It also happens to be my favorite of this little mini-series. I don’t usually post pictures of my kids, but you can’t see her face, so I’ll make an exception. Idk how you copy-write a photo, but no one is allowed to take this one and claim it as their own, so take that as it being copy-written. This is my baby. I made that.
This is Elizabeth. She was born only about 2 weeks early, which wouldn’t normally land a baby in the NICU, but unbeknownst to us until after she arrived, she needed emergency surgery or she was going to die. They transferred her to a different hospital with a Level III NICU, and they wouldn’t transfer or discharge me, so I was almost an hour away from her when they took her into surgery. She’s 10-months-old now, and couldn’t be healthier, but I spent the first 3 weeks of her life not knowing if we would make it this far. And after she came home, I had a bit of a hard time, to say the least.
I was afraid to hold her. Afraid to change her. Putting her in the carseat was (and sometimes still is) a trigger for me, because while my husband was loading the car the day the hospital released her, I was tasked with putting her in the carseat. She was so tiny. She had had difficulty gaining weight after they took her off the feeding tube, so she had to gain weight consistently before they would discharge her. She was smaller than when she was born, and I was afraid I was going to break her. We have a son, William, her big brother, and I had always been able to put him in his carseat, but I was inexplicably scared. So I stayed away.
She had nursed so well that very first day, which the doctors credit with saving her life, because when she spit up dark green while nursing, I alerted the nurse, who called the head neonatologist, who said with no uncertainty that they needed to transfer her now, we couldn’t wait. He said it was life or death. He actually said that to me. Tom (my husband) wasn’t back yet from dropping off our son after he got to meet his little sister. In order to transport her in the ambulance, they made me sign a piece of paper saying that if she died in transit, I would hold them harmless. I cried a lot that day, but never more than at that moment, and I pulled my hand away three times before I could make myself sign it.
Anyway, my point was that she had nursed so well, but after surgery, she was first on an NG tube and was then bottle-fed throughout her stay in the NICU. So I just pumped. They had a lovely room for mothers to go, and I used it every 3 hours for 3 weeks. When she came home, I was afraid to nurse her. So I pumped. Every 3 hours, for 7 months. I would watch reruns on Netflix of 30-minute shows on my phone, both as a timer and as a distraction. And when the credits would appear on the screen, I would switch my phone over to Taylor’s “New Year’s Day” and cry.
“I’ll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year’s Day.” Pretty sure she meant a different kind of bottle, but I think art is open for interpretation, and in my head, I could see it. I could see a montage of my little girl, carrying her shoes downstairs in our foyer, glitter all over the floor after celebrating her first birthday. I saw it clearly in my mind. But I was afraid to hope it would ever really happen.
At 2.5 months old, she contracted RSV, which developed into bronchiolitis, and we took another ambulance ride (this time I got to go with her) from the ER where we brought her because she couldn’t breathe, back to the same hospital. This time they put her in the PICU. And I pumped. I had just started to get comfortable holding her before then. Needless to say, this set me back. So while they poked her with IV needles, did an echo on her heart and an ultrasound on her arm (because some idiot tech left the tourniquet on too long when doing a blood draw), administered chest PT, and suctioned out her lungs, I pumped. They couldn’t give her any medicine because it was viral. We just had to wait it out, waiting for her to be able to come off oxygen and breathe on her own again. So I listened to Taylor’s music, I pumped, and I prayed.
We were lucky enough to bring our baby girl home again on Christmas Eve. But we know some people aren’t as lucky. When we were back in the NICU, I met and became friends with a woman who never got to bring her baby girl home. Her daughter’s crib was next to Elizabeth’s, and the sound of her cries and the beeping of her monitors were what lulled my daughter to sleep at night. Tom and I attended that baby girl’s wake in March. I still think of her every day.
Through it all, decorating Elizabeth’s nursery was catharsis for me. When it belonged to our son, it was a sanctuary for me during sleepless nights of late-night feedings, and in the last several months, it is where my daughter and I have bonded.
We play with her kittens (both the real ones who live in our house, Kate & Pippa, and her stuffed animals), she babbles at her dolls, I read books to her, she chews on blocks, she claps, we listen to music and dance (like I mentioned in another post, “You Need to Calm Down” is her favorite song, and if I posted videos of my kids, you’d see how she squeals and wiggles when she hears the first few notes), I try to teach her to say “Mama,” we cuddle at bedtime, and a few weeks ago, it’s where I comforted her when she had a bout of the stomach flu. (We then all caught it, but still, she wanted ME!)
Her room is where I learned to let myself love her after the trauma of almost losing her twice. And while I’m sure she will have her own opinions on its decor when she’s older and perhaps even kicks me out of her room, for now, I’m going to keep making it a happy place for our family. And that means lots of Taylor Swift.
#taylor swift nursery#New Year's Day#New Year's Eve 2018#The Little Mermaid#Ariel#taylor swift#taylurking#lover
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I had some next level purging going on in my dreams last night.
*trigger warning for gross toilet / emetophobia stuff
~~~~~~~~~~
I actually prayed last night against spiritual attack. Last time I asked God to bind evil and break negative bonds, DH had his deployment cancelled.
So I kept having a lot of broken up bits of dream world, but all were full of disgusting content. First, a shoddy hole in the floor toilet, fecal mess and nasty tracked all around. I had to use this, and as I needed TP, an end dragged into the gross floor and DH was trying to help me, but pulled up the dirty end and it touched me. I got sick, nauseous, and threw up. It was thick and choking me. (Sorry this is so gross). The density of the vomit just caught, and I was trying to scoop it out, I suppose like playdough. It was dark and pretty much black, but then I started to see it was broken down dead snakes. S n a k e s. Parts of a tail, a malformed head. Snakes are a HUGE dream symbol for me and pretty much always to do with NM.
(like the dream with the snake attacking and biting me, then going after Edad)
Then in another dream part, I'm in my home, trying to clean in the kitchen. NM is there with Edad and she's not being helpful. I'm irritated, tired, and pregnant as I am now. My son comes in and then says "I need to throw up" and then does so outside the kitchen. I start freaking out and crying because I truly hate stomach bugs and throwing up. Well, NM is making herself more useless and annoying, and I start to just _s c r e a m_ at her in an unhinged, long duration about getting out and "you're not helping"!!!! Just shrieking rage catharsis. All she did was blankly stare.
Needless to say, I did not sleep well last night. But holy shit. It's like NMs presence made my son sick too, idk. And I just cast her out like the evil negativity should be. It was a great metaphor for all the NC aftermath. I'm trying to clean up, but it's futile and frustrating while NM does nothing, and worse, puts herself into my space in an obstructive way, that affects me and my family. But the snakes that came out were dead. So to me, NM inside me is dead. Which does mirror the way most of my guilt or pity for her is gone. And the repulsion over it. Nauseating, get it out.
I say, never discount the power of spiritual attack or psychic bonds.
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