#idk! idk. i'm tired of not knowing for sure but also i am having such a hard time accepting that i'm diagnosable
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I’m probably a little late to the party (heh) but there’s something I’ve noticed concerning color theory and Max, and Max in general
When she is introduced to us as MADMAX, her situation with Billy makes her feel lonely and angry. She’s wearing red clothes (with a white stripe!) and her hair is down (letting her rage roam free).
In here, she’s clearly annoyed. She’s just left Billy’s car, Mr. Clarke made her stand before the class and named her Maxine when she just wanted to melt into the background and get over her first day at an unfamiliar school, still not thrilled about having to move from California.
Still, she’s zipped down, since those people didn’t do anything especially hurtful towards her and maybe she’s a little hopeful about them.
When she’s mad after an interaction with Billy she’s wearing red:
Darker red! She’s at school where she won’t have to deal with Billy for a while. She’s cooling like lava but there’s still one streak of the anger in the back of her head.
When the boys approach her, her zip-up sweatshirt is unzipped to show some of the color underneath. She’s happy! She will not let her guard down completely but she won’t hiss at them immediately! Still, she’s ready for disappointment and snapping right back to being fully red.
Yellow is not a lighter shade of red, but it’s definitely close on the color wheel. Closer to white, too! She is showing she’s not only mad, there also is softness inside her! It’s still a shade connected to red (anger) but yellow by itself is more of a happiness color. She wants to make friends but is still scared because of the new environment and Billy.
In the car with Billy (the scene where he wants to run over the party), the entire scene is shot in a way that’s barely letting us see her clothes. It’s mostly covered by hair, too, but we can see it’s still at least a little unzipped as there’s a bit of the yellow collar visible.
In the scene, she’s defending Hawkins saying, that it’s not that bad and that she can’t see any cows (yellow). She’s scared of Billy, so she’s trying to cover up her sympathy towards Hawkins and towards the boys (with red and her hair, Billy saw her get out of the car with the sweatshirt zipped up and hair down, now she’s covering her softness with what is familiar to Billy, so that he doesn’t see anything has changed, notice that softness and hurt her. That’s exactly what she does when she says she doesn’t know the boys trying to protect them from getting ran over).
Yellow! Fully yellow :) She’s happy to be shown weird pollywog-like creatures with the rest of the Party!
Right after Will gets possessed, her question as to what “true sight” means gets brushed off by all of the boys. She’s hurt and feels excluded, but her hurt makes her angry again. Next time we see her, she’s all red again.
“Party members only! This is non-negotiable.”
“I thought you guys wanted me in your Party!”
At the arcade! She’s already acclimated to Hawkins, and the arcade is her favorite place.
Alright, I’m getting tired and my third eye is slowly closing, so I’m going to wrap this up quickly, since I think I presented what the gist of the idea is.
In season 3, yellow, patterns, colors! She is now fully a member of the party! She has friends, she knows the secrets, El is back. This is the happiest she’s been.
Clothes are important in both of the girl’s characters! (El changes from murky colors to vivid patterns when she finds herself and there’s a post about El shedding layers of blue in season 4. I’d link it but can’t find it, I’m sorry!) There being a scene like this, with them fooling around with their clothes is basically the peak of happiness :)
Here Max gets really worried because of Billy. She’s feeling a bit guilty ‘cause that’s her step-brother that’s sowing chaos and hurting her friends. El is straining herself. The situation is looking BAD. Blue!
Beginning of season 4
Blue - she’s grieving and feeling guilty, Black coat - she’s hiding herself in a shell. She’s not particularly hiding her grief but she can close off at any moment.
(Btw Lucas is also wearing a blue shirt with some coats. I’d say he is sad because Max dumped him and doesn’t want to tell him things but the coats have a couple of colors because he’s hiding away his nerdiness in order to be cool :)
Now, the overcoat is blue with yellow elements - Max is being honest about her grief. She’s targeted by Vecna, the Hawkins gang knows she is SAD. It’s her last day, she can unfurl. The sweatshirt is unzipped and showing red and white underneath, the same colors we’ve seen her wear when we first met her. The girl that slammed the door of Billy’s car. The one that was scared of him. That girl is still inside Max.
Sometimes, she’s wearing this. Grief covered up with brownish-reddish... Red. She’s going back to her previous self, she is talking to Lucas again and he SEES her... But to get that shade of red you go more towards black on the color wheel. She’s not that vivid, fiery red anymore. There are bits of that girl deep inside her, but she’s too tired to make it her entire self. She’s tired.
#idk if this makes sense#i did not do research befor this i literally got this idea while changing clothes#and it works for the most part#maybe a bit delusional here and there#but i choose to choose being chill and just in awe of the costume department#i am also pretty sure you beautiful people have decoded this long ago#since the color theory makes a big part of the show#either way i love max#if she doesn't wear the prettiest colors in s5 then why should i live to see it#i hope SHE will be able to see it though#although blind max is beautiful; she doesn't deserve it :(#max mayfield#stranger things#lumax#elumax#elmax#not really color theory because i don't know the color theory :) literally just vibes#aaand i'm not gonna reread what i've written cuz i'm tired. hope it makes any sense.#but you're smart too so you can probably get the gist of what i was trying to say
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not gonna lie yall, it feels like all I do is either work or recover from work and it's bumming me out big time
#I don't have a chronic illness. I shouldn't be taking this long to recover#idk why I can't get home from work and go straight to writing#it's like I have to spend a day mustering up the will to live in the face of ongoing capitalism#it's my own fault. I would have had a two day weekend but they asked me to come in to cover someone and my clown ass said sure#I want to be pissed at the coworker who called off but it's my own fault for accepting#I had a phone interview today and I am ANXIOUS to know if they're going to bring me in for a second interview I NEED a better job#I just want a job where I dont dread going to work and also maybe get paid more than minimum wage#feeling really depressed about capitalism and working forever and knowing I'll never be able to afford a house#I WANT TIME TO DO MY HOBBIES GOD DAMN IT ;A;#also im lonely as hell. how am I supposed to go out and meet people if I'm too tired to do anything#I wanna meet someone. I wanna be loved romantically.
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i don't judge bc u do u, but i do wonder sometimes how actors would feel if you introduced them to the concept of kinning. like this person thinks they had your face and voice in their past life. do you think you were paid enough while working on this project to comprehend that. the microphone is taken from my hand and i am forcibly removed from the convention room.
#txt#thinking about this more bc having to share spaces where people kin my faves more recently#and how i rly am not comfortable with that just on a personal basis of... i don't like the feeling that other people almost 'own' my blorbo#in fandom spaces at least? where ur kinda supposed to be collaborative? obviously. real people do own my blorbos.#but anyway yeah we're all playing with dolls and another person's version of that doll just happens to also have that layer#of kin memories and so on - and it's not at all the same but i project onto my faves so i'm sure That can be something#people who just want a more normal discussion are uncomfortable with too to have to consider too like what if i start#taking things too personally - it's up to us how we act about it regardless of how we feel about a character#but idk i just rly don't like having to take the kin thing into consideration for how i talk about a character in those spaces?#bc the sorta finality and ownership of kin memories and kin identities with how some people go about them just feels#inconsiderate to how in a fandom you're supposed to have different interpretations#and of course some people are more/less normal about it than others regardless of kinning but#personallyyyyyyyyyyyy i don't know how much i trust certain people to be normal about it#(and it is a little tiring to have to get 'it's a religious belief!' thrown out for excusing rude behavior in all honesty)#(and yeah i respect that as long as it doesn't impact how you interact with other people that badly and unfortunately. it tends to.)#so i could not imagine being an actor or writer who made the character w specific intent and got faced with all the implications of that#for good or for bad jl;sdlfj#on one hand maybe people would find it cool#on the other i don't think i would be quite comfortable with parts of it#but yk. things you have to expect when u put urself out there#even though this probably isnt something initially expected#which i guess at the end of the day is why u keep these things separate bc you could probs make a similar argument for#'how do you feel about the idea of your face/voice' being used in fanfic/fanart of varying ratings'#but still i do feel like 'my specific past life looked like you' is a step up into... somewhere different
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Chapter 15!! Chapter 15!! Chapter 15!!
#dpxdc#danny phantom#batman#danny phantom crossover#danny phantom batman#i've forgotten what i tag these with now fuck#guys look i’m finally making these links somewhat prettier!!#i don't like not having all the summary and tags tho because yeeeeeesh it gets heavy and i like people to know that it gets heavy aha#TESTAMENT TO THAT as i published this chapter i had the thought 'huh i should add the medical torture tag because woof that line sure is dar#k' but hey turns out i already had that tag!! woof#sorry danno ur goin thru it#hey uh idk how keen i am on this chapter? i feel like the first half of it is a little sticky#like half of damian's reactions just come out of nowhere#when i was doing my last minute edit before i posted (also please ignore that i lit posted at 23:59 eheh) i just honestly couldn't tell#if it made sense or not#but like i've edited it three or four times before now? so i gotta trust past bethany (not ideal) that it's readable at least and i'm just#very very tired and nothing is working in my brain#which is also true#baby neice is asleep next to me and she's doing the biggest horking snores ever#it's very sweet#but it's making me feel more tired than i should be haha#so it's time for me to get ready for bed! i am going to brush my teeth and wash my face in the freezing cold#feel like jane eyre when she's at that boarding school and they had to break the ice on their water bowls before washing their face#and her friend died in her arms#it's very cold here i am shivvveerrriinnng gotta tuck myself up under two duvets please#hey americans? americans? what's a comforter? is it a duvet? i don't understand when americans say they have a comforter#is it a blanket that goes on top of the duvet? how do you have a duvet day without a duvet?#just always wondered.#i'm so tired#GOOD NIGHT I LOVE YOU PLEASE READ CETBWA AND TELL ME IF IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE
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i miss the era of internet where all we got were anime fansubs made by people who had the time to do what they enjoyed
#translations of everything have started to suck more and more each passing year. everything is rushed out so quick theres no time to#localize literally anything#this is specifically the OFFICIAL dunmeshi anime subtitles saying theres not going to b a duck with an onion or something#ok. that wouldnt have even needed localization. you just didnt translate the fucking thing. you cannot take a saying and directly translate#all the words in it and expect people to get it#also theres a culture of ppl who know a language being like 'uhm. why did you translate it like that when it literally means xyz'#like yeah sure i'm sure translating everything directly ignoring the original prose and flow and meaning is going to be great#yakuza is the only game series i trust to b translated properly tbh. bc of the safe sects joke.#i wish ppl hiring translators a very pay them more and give them more time to work#is this rant even coherent. after ages i managed to fall asleep around 4 am and sleep a whopping 2 hours before waking up#and then i tried to go back to sleep bc i am so incredibly tired but then the clock hit 8 am (i have one of those clocks that chimes every#hour) and i just gave up and decided i need to write down what ive been thinking about for#the past half an hour#though i feel this is missing over half the context i thought of but idk bc im so very tired gdhwbfks
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me rn having the biggest hots for leon kennedy and astarion sorry LMFAOOO <3
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#^___^ me smiling innocently#bg3 is on the MIND !!! i dearly want it so badly. turns out my dad played 1/2 (not sure which) a looong time ago#but he never got too far i think bcs he's busy... :P but hey i love him. wow. it's really cool he knows it too (ofc he does lmfao)#me and him (handshake emoji) also never getting far in da origins yet bcs we have it on xbox bcs of him getting it a long time ago#but there's that bug in the mage tower... :( funny we both went thru it LMFAO <//3 anyway i got it on steam so i've been playing#again but not recently anymore since 1. ffxiv took over my life last days of summer again 2. summer is over back school so rip#anyway can u tell i love fantasy :)) da and bg babeyyy !!! my type is going to make you guys cry i'm so obvious#zevran... fenris... astarion... i have a thing for ppl w blond/white hair :P idk my fav in inquisition yet and idk anything abt bg1&2 yet#but Yeah. GHBSHJGBSHJG..... da origins is kinda funny (lack of better word) to me btw bcs i like all four main romance options#but it's hard to explain (i have a story behind stuff i want to share but it's tiring and annoying of me /hj !!!!!)#anyway i like blond elves if it wasn't obvious. yes i also like link and zelda from loz. yes i like legolas. yes i like#...anyway! so where does re fit in this? uh. u see i'm a coward actually i'm too scared to play re LMFAOOO#BTU I ADORE THE LORE and the characters and the game franchise and shit ^_^ just. i shld really watch it sometime#instead of reading wikis all the time and just soaking up all the knowledge but i'm. a Coward. okay#i can't even play bloodborne despite how nerdy i am over it... it's so scary to poor little me... i'm a coward (it's the harsh truth).....#anwyay i'll conquer my fears one day but that day is NOT SOON !!! i wna get into re properly tho aside from just being a nerd#so i'm too scared to play but i'll watch playthroughs sometime (and admire leon) <3 yeah. another blond. i know. shut up.#is this my life rn am i just infatuated w blonds and white haired guys. it's gna be hell if i continue nier replicant rn too huh#uh. goodnight!
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this insane unhealthy urge to do everything on my own is making me want to scream my lungs out
#ive this habit of noting things down on my hand and when it smudges i lose my shit it feels like i have failed to do that task bcs#independently i feel my brain isnt capable of absorbing info and i need to note everything down on a. paper its tiring#it feels like my head will explode god pls i cannot do this i cannot keep track of things i am so .so tired#i have written down exam dates of my friends#friends who are v v dumb and wont even think about me until i text its prolly bcs i care too much but it hurts and#i wish to move on w my life w everything w people just get over it i am sure ppl around me doesn't know loneliness like i do#nd when i see them complaining abt their shit i feel like cutting their intestines in little pieces no I'M NOT BELITTLING THEIR STRUGGLES#but they need to really calm down .#i have noted down my shit my ma'am shit my siblings shit my dog shit and stuck it on a wall and my head hurts when i look at it#sticks and stones may break my bones but words can also hurt me how will i forget the mean things i have heard over the yrs#rant#chaotic academia#desi academia#dark academia#older sibling#oldest sibling#eh idk
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considering making an f1 sideblog because i just. i've had a couple of experiences where people don't want to interact with me because of the sam/dean shipping and like. i get it, i do. it's exhausting because you can just blacklist the tag, but, well. i guess it's easier to just block. and i'm not blaming anyone for that, curate your own experience etc etc, and i've always been in favor of just blocking the content you don't want to see. it's just that it's kinda mentally exhausting for me and while i usually have a thick skin about this kinda stuff, i hate the idea of my mere presence making someone uncomfortable. also, all my spn mutuals have been SO sweet about the constant f1posting but i'm still constantly worried i'm being annoying, so maybe it's just better if i move everything to a sideblog? idk.
#i'll probably delete this later idk#im just a bit tired right now#i mean... it's just a ship. not a very conventional one i get it but. i dont even post it that much#and if i do it's always tagged n it's literally SO easy to blacklist#and i'm really enjoying myself so much on f1blr but im constantly anxious that any spn post will be the last straw and then#everyone will be like ew she ships the brothers begone wincestie or sth similar#maybe this website has just made me jaded i don't know i just. i don't want to make anyone uncomfortable and i am not blaming anyone#it's just that i wanna enjoy myself without having to worry about these things#but also every time i've tried to have a sideblog i ended up abandoning it and like#i don't want to do that again#anyway#naila.txt#tag rant#sorry for the word vomit im just. not sure what to do
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a tragedy: couldn't fit a nap in my schedule
#truly tragic#no but really bc i was thinking 'yeees im gonna go back from work and take a nap before film club'#only i forgot that by the time i get from work and make dinner and walk my dog i have no time left for a nap before film club :(#and i'm so sleepy tired guys :(#feeling the weight of. everything.#god give me a break pls i'm not your strongest soldier#and i was talking with my friend today too about The Situation at uni and was like#'yknow what it's really discouraging and i'm not sure if i want to put up with all of this'#and she just said 'you can always drop out you know that right? it would be a right moment for that'#and like#I KNOW#that's the thing#I KNOW it's an option but idk it's also a Decision and i'd rather. not decide. alsjdjajfhsjdk#i think i'm going through it ummmmm#'the moment before we let go we grip the harderst' etc etc#only i'm not even gripping the hardest#what am i even saying at this point ANYWAY#i wish i could take a nap i wish i could stop time and just THINK about what i want to do and i wish i could take a month off from life#and just exist and think and plan everything out#that's enough nonsense for today bye have a good day#agnes talking
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i feel like a loading bar that's very slowly ticking up until i actually believe my therapist's belief that i have ocd
#shut up myth#i'm at. like. 30% at this point#i keep trying to talk myself out of it because it feels.......... almost appropriative and i've never seen people talk about the symptoms#that i've felt so it feels VERY fake#but the more i read and the more i talk it over with her the more i'm like......... okay well . maybe. i'll entertain the notion#two really big things that got me are the need to get reassurances from ppl and the need to rewrite things until they're Perfect#like holy shit those are two GIANT parts of why i habitually self isolate#like it feels so bad to consider bc i'm not like........in some ways these are debilitating but in other ways they are very much not#so it's like. i don't have it bad enough. it's like everything that's wrong w/ me#if people with ocd have it up to 100% i have it to 50% if people have depression at 100% i have it to 70%#if people with autism have it to 100% i have it to 60%#like???#i don't know. i get to work on time for the most part and i do what needs doing for the most part. i'm functional#i don't ENJOY being alive but that could so easily be explained by me being a piece of shit#idk! idk. i'm tired of not knowing for sure but also i am having such a hard time accepting that i'm diagnosable#and not just. as i say. a piece of shit#i can tell it's getting late bc all this self introspection is starting to get me down lmao#gonna light a candle and watch some gumball and go to bed#i oversteeped my oolong :<
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alright well. if i don't hear from grandma and grandpa by the end of the day, i might try and call them tomorrow (oh heeeyy easterrrr yeah happy that thing i don't celebrate anymore.... hope yours is good soooo did you see that i sent a text message ysterday about an email i sent 2 weeks ago? did you get either or those or.....?) but like.
i'm just so tired of having to deal with my fucking biofam.
#3/5 people who hadn't yet responded eventually got back to me.#one didn't even get the original email (probably went to spam) so sent it along special#momaunt and sister forgot to respond. one of them at least acknowledged that was fucking lame of her to do#the final two fucking live together. i sent the original to BOTH of their emails and i sent the text to the only one of the two#whose cellphone number i'm relatively sure of and also is most likely to text back#idk guys i'm just. so fucking tired of having to be the one doing all of the work all of the time in order to stay connected to people#especially people who ostensibly don't hate me (though that's in fucking Doubt sometimes)#like. again i know we're *all* bad at this which is why *I* am also bad at it but like...#what is the point of trying to improve my skills at this if no one else is going to even fucking try#all of them have years of experience in adulthood and doing keepintouch correspondence#the only one who i'll give a wholesale pass to is my sister because fuck if i struggle with it she's gotta be too#and she's younger than me so like. giving her a break seems reasonable to my brain#but i just... if y'all find it hard then why the fuck was i berated so much for failing at this when i was little and learning?#why am i berated now as an adult when not a single one of them is willing to do any better than me#and in fact all of them DID WORSE
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I feel incredibly bitchy today y'all
#I also have a headache#probably cause I haven't drank enough water#I'm also just#Man I've got so many things I just wanna bitch about#I got a couple drinks for my birthday that have been in the fridge for three fucking days#And all of a sudden one of my roommates decides they're a problem#They've been in there for three days and you didn't say shit until today?#WTH?#And her whole thing is wanting to be told when we have drinks in the apartment and to keep them out of shared spaces#Which would be fair if she hadn't had drinks in our fridge before#At left I am 99% sure she has#Maybe they were just some weird-ass energy drinks#And maybe I'm just on edge today#But this just kinda seems like BS#And just talking to my partner about it?#Instead of#oh I don't know#FUCKING TALKING TO ME WHEN YOU SAW ME DRINKING THEM?#Just feels kinda passive aggressive idk#A friend also posted a snippet from a H*zb*n H*tel smut fic into the discord last night so that pissed me off#I have nothing but animosity towards that show for so so many reasons#I just#I'm fuckin tired man
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Binge-reading Dungeon Meshi because it's the only thing standing between me and suicide ngl.
#it at least gave me the single molecule of mental energy required to force myself to eat at least one slice of bread#because it's like the physical energy is there sure but mentally I'm like 'noooooo I don't want to eat anything i hate food#all food tastes bad and i hate life and i want to eat nothing at all and furthermore i need to lose weight so i should starve myself'#I'm thinking that it might actually make me last until I either convince the crisis center that I'm for fucking real for real#or until my appointment with the school counselor. which idk when would be because i was supposed to go on the#2nd of April but i guess there might be holidays because he called me when i was atva lecture but i couldn't take it#because i had a lecture and he hasn't called since but I'm assuming#that hell call again and that he wants to let me know that the date is impossible#but I want to like wait and see what he says. and if he goes like 'oh actually im on a long vacay now goodbye forever'#or whatever I'll just go '...slay' and ride my ass to the hospital tomorrow.#show up at the crisis centre looking exactly like the patients with chronic pain who report pain 7 while looking unphased#like 'hello i am an active danger to myself I can't get out of bed most days; i need 16 hours of sleep to function for 4 hours#my meds have stopped working I haven't eaten anything but exactly 2 pancakes and a slice of bread in the past 4 days#and i exhibit a strong refusal to change this marked by thoughts present in people affected by eating disorders. no activity#feels fun anymore and they were marked by a strong sense of anxiety a few days ago but now i just feel nothing at all.#at this point I'm not even refusing to do any of my hobbies because im increasingly afraid of failure and its#consequences while being hunted for sport by anxiety from the opposite end telling me that i need to finish 50 masterpieces#immediately or nobody will ever like me again and they'll all see me for the talentless fraud i am. at this point i just don't care.#i don't do anything because i feel sluggish and my body is heavy and I'm so so tired and I'm tired of being awake and I can't think straight#also i think i might be going into a psychotic episode again.'#they're gonna tell me to get the fuck out of their faces anyway but it's worth a try.#like idk i feel like they might kinda listen because yesterday I guess they wouldn't have but today i have stopped caring about cars#and looking both ways. which is like. not a good sign probably. also yesterday i was still somewhat able to talk to people#even though i was in a very irritated and drained out state but today I'm feeling like if anyone even fucking attempts to talk to me#or if i hear any loud fucking sound at all I'm just gonna punch myself in the head until the pain drowns out all the sound
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sometimes (often) i think about the characters i kin or relate to and then the realization comes in again and again that i need therapy (/lh?)
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#unfortunately i doubt i will ever get therapy bcs i have this. thing. idk. but i believe in myself to just rely on myself?#and yeah i uhh can go on more about that BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF THIS sorry i suck at explaining things. anyways#humans. interesting. i am fascinated by humans and myself and i'm tired of typing now GOODBYE anyways xiv music is so fucking good#and also idk how to interact w others sorry ..... i am scared of getting close to people bcs everyone i've grown close to has ended up#leaving me or i mess up! but tbh it's better now i think and also not as bad as i think but sorry i still have bad issues with. that#me saying i don't want to type anymore and then proceed to rapidly type out so many words oopsies#pls just do not PERCEIVE ME !! unless you want to ig but idk why you'd want to do that uhm#yk i like tumblr most out of all social medias bcs it feels like i can... sort of just be my weird self here! and it's not fully nice#and i still have anxiety problems and overthinking problems and whatnot which is evident by my 100+ notifs i havent checked since#christmas but that's not the point (?) idk whats the point honestly uhhhh nvm (??)#OH I LOVE FF SO MUCH tbh it's w/o a doubt still my favorite series ever but drake/nier is also up there for sure#which i think is amazing bcs i have yet to finish a game. and ive only like played idk 5 hours of replicant and automata#and then ive already spoiled myself on important aspects of all games but that helps ngl uh. i could explain but im tired of typing#ANYWAYS GOD actually noehgjbsejhbghjes i really suck w interacting w others i really wish i were better at all that#im not super introverted or shy im just kinda awkward and anxious but im a fun person and all and idk#and tbh its interesting thinking abt my personality... some parts of me havnt changed at all from a bit (/pos) like my lively. aspect of my#personality !! i was a bundle of energy and a little annoying (perhaps unintentionally but now i think its a bit more on purpose lol)#but the only person who really sees my true self is me. and the closest to that is lune. but even i dont know who i really am#and yeah... wnvr im like woa ill make more friends !! and then when i have the opportunities i suddenly dont care anymore IT SUCKS#anyways i think i have Opportunities now again so lets see haha ?? at least uhh in school. its like 2nd sem and i dont rlly have friends#as usual haha that sounds so sad help BUT its not like im disliked im just rlly quiet and shy at school..... throwback to 7th grade tho#that was rlly the worst but also now is just as bad in a diff sense but back then i cldnt talk w my crush at ALL i didnt speak at all im so#sorry about that HELPPP I RLLY JUST CLDNT SPEAK anyways moving on in my class rn i do have a group of sorts. like#we're grpmates wnvr theres grpworks and we can pick which is nice! ive been classmates w em all b4 and theyre the cool kids#but in the more fandom sense and one used to be a close friend of my twin and of mine too by extent and then the other was someone#who knew me when i was more extroverted so yeah uhhh anyways#OKAY ALMOST MAX TAGS im DONE rambling. bye. hopefully. bye. oh god
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Reason #345734 why I don't tell my mom shit.
Her pain and suffering is the only kind she cares about, and she'll play stupid games with me like ghost me for 3+ weeks after a minor surgery, just to make sure I'm worried enough about her life to check, so she "has permission" to start in with the talking my ear off about her problems without boundaries or preamble. She won't know shit about my issues til after they're over (if she hears about them at all) bc she never asks a damn thing about my life, and literally only ever leaves room for herself and her feelings in any equation literally ever and then peaces tf out like. Bitch I'm permanently disabled and in a degenerative spiral that's gonna last my whole fkn life, and you're still bitching about yourself? Wanting me to cater to your emotions when you haven't even spared a CRUMB of consideration in return?
FUck all the way off.
Should have known that if she had died or sth bad happened, I'd have heard something right away. After 30+ yrs of her pulling the "yeah my kid tried to kill themself for the 7th time, but have you asked ME how hard it is to raise them doing the nothing I have been, bc I still don't know them as a person at all or even try to? Where's the compassion?!" shit... you'd think I would know better, but my compassion gets me fucked over YET AGAIN.
If she's being flighty, she's being petty. If she's being flighty, she's being petty. If she's being flighty, she's being petty. If she's being flighty, she's being petty. If she's being flighty, she's being petty. If she's being flighty, she's being petty. If she's being flighty, she's being petty. If she's being flighty, she's being petty. If she's being flighty, she's being petty. If she's being flighty, she's being petty. If she's being flighty, she's being petty. If she's being flighty, she's being petty. If she's being flighty, she's being petty.
Back to no contact.
Let the bitch suffocate if she can't self soothe.
#idk how many chances she's gonna get in this life and she's still playing stupid games with my fkn emotions and banking stupid ass prizes#frfrfr every “nice” thing she does is usually laced with something she knows damn well I hate so she can use my reactions against me bc#she just wants to have a nice peaceful time throwing me a bday party i didnt want with cake i don't like and getting butthurt when i don't#lie to her face and spare her feelings and literally replace my own boundaries with hers instead#wonder where I got the minimization of my own problems from hhhhhhh bitingbitingbiting#this shit is why it took over a decade to even get the autoimmune diagnoses i needed to understand why i was infirmed half my fkn life but#noooo she's gotta make everything about her#i never get a “hi how are you” just months of no contact followed by all her drama in a full discography without even checking to make sure#i'm in a space to be carrying all that shit#which as a chronically ill and fatigued person it's just courteous to ask before you dump shit on them if you know they're gonna be tired?#it costs zero dollars to check on someone before you dump every article of your dirty laundry on them and throw a pity party without consen#i can also be guilty of venting too but ffs at least i check in on my vent friends if i go too hard and try and keep shit stirring to a min#nvm the last time i told her anything it was to say i got those diagnoses and actually have medical reasons for my permanent exhaustion#and she turned it into a fkn competition!!!!!!!!!!#this bitch only cares about herself it literally doesn't matter if she's well or sick it's all about her and what she wants out of it#never once did i get anything to the degree of 'what would you like to happen/where are your boundaries here' bc she doesn't fkn care#so i am done giving her the grace she doesn't need and hasn't yet earned back bc i'm not putting her needs before mine again fuck that#fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuck this shit i'm out~#vent rant#pls ignore
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#ignore me. i wish it mattered. i wish i was important enough for a chance or at least enough for now. it kills me everyday#the constant reminder just with waking up or anything. it's all catching up to me and i feel like i am falling apart.#the distance is killer. i wish i could rip my fucking skin off.#i hate knowing that i'm easy not to love and easy not to miss. but on another hand that should be good because i'd never want#you going through this pain. but that fact also is just tearing me apart more and more. there's not really anything left.#i miss everything. even small things like compliments. i miss looking forward to anything. i'm tired.#i miss closeness and being touched... safety#everyday feels pointless. it feels like a fight not to do something stupid. i don't really have it left in me.#i feel like it'd be so much kinder if i was ////. for everyone.#i would do anything to make this stop. to have that applied to me. t obe important enough significant enough enough for now#i read those messages and wish they were true. wish i could believe it.#i wish i could get to try. i really hope i /// soon. i hope it happens before. it won't. and i'm too much of a coward to do it now.#i just want to disappear. or be sucked into that blackhole. be allowed to take up some bit of space there. otherwise i just#want to make sure i don't take up any. it's better that ways.#i wish i could understand how this pain is better than trying. i can't take it. i'm glad you can but i can't.#after both hits of shittiness last night i just want to go away. i want to go back to sleep and not wake up. i wish i could be wrapped up.#there were parts of that that just felt like salt in the wound. i don’t want to hurt anymore. i want it to stop i can’t.#it hurts a lot. eveything does. sessions were safe from that and now i just feel.. idk. i wish it matttered.
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