In another time — Shinichiro Sano

Content: Imagine

Warnings: mentioned accidents, rather derogatory language (from Shinichiro’s point of view) towards a homeless man

Tropes: non-canon content, non-canon Shinichiro

Summary: an alternate universe in which Shinichiro didnt choose his fate, but rather it was forced upon him

Vixen’s two cents: I love Shinichiro. I cant handle him not being there, this is my coping mechanism. Sorry if this is a little odd to read this isnt my normal writing style, i wanted to try something new. If you like this and want to see more, please let me know! Also remember that my requests are always open so if you have an idea, please tell me about it, id love to write it! Enjoy

„Stop Messing with your IV.“ Shinichiro grunts form his chair at the man occupying the hospital bed in front of him. The man on the bed does not respond, only continues to finger the IV insert in the crook of his elbow. Shinichiro sighs, shifting front in the uncomfortable chair and rests his arms on his knees.

The silence in the room was loud. It hung in the air like the stench of the dead. The light was the typical sterile hospital-blue, and the floors were the signature awkward speckled white and blue that every other hospital had.

The window to Shinichiro‘s right would have shown your average hospital park, with your average hospital park paths which weaved around your average hospital park trees and average hospital park ponds.

But none of that could be seen. It was dark; it was late; and most importantly, it was cold. Way too cold to be sitting in front of a homeless man who wouldn’t leave alone his IV. Out of the reflection of the dark window Shinichiro could see the man; the old, wrinkly, rancid lump of a life that he had most literally ran into earlier that day.

„The IV itches.“, it spoke. Shinichiro turned his head to look at him, an almost offended scowl on his face: „So what? You leave that damn thing or or else. I didn‘t drag you in here half alive just for you to die.“ The thing on the bed met Shinichiro‘s eyes and stared. Cold, hard, lifeless beads of black pierced his own eyes, and the air felt electric all of a sudden.

The clock that hung on the wall was the only source of noise, its everlasting ticking marking the endless spiral of time. Shinichiro counted the seconds he heard: three, four but he was sure to already have missed some: eight, nine, ten nevertheless he kept counting: fourteen, fifteen just to see for how long he could endure the daggers thrown his way: twenty-one, twenty-two. Some time around one-seventeen, one-eighteen his eyes started watering, and he gave in, blinking away the tears that had formed.

He heaved another sigh, once again shifting in the chair, this time slouching back and throwing his head over the edge of the backrest. “How are you even alive anymore?“ He grunted at the man, the angle at which he sat making the sound almost guttural. „In general I mean.“ Shinichiro knew the man was homeless; the clothes, the skin , the smell, it all accumulated to the one conclusion. Based on what he saw and sensed however, he could not fathom how the husk of a man sitting on the bed had managed to sustain himself in the first place.

“I’m cursed.” It grumbled back at him. And Shinichiro almost rolled his eyes, “Right.” A lunatic then. he thought, running another hand across his face, contemplating that it would have been better to run the loony over completely. “Cursed.” His voice was flat and unimpressed as it replied to the shrivel in the Hospital bed.

Another silence insued, but this time it was Shinichiro who was staring the man down with a you’ve gotta be kidding me expression. The man was avoiding his eyes, instead choosing to flit his gaze from one ceiling tile to the next. Shin counts the ticks again, and this time he could feel his blood pressure rising. He gets to around fourty-four, fourty-five before the homeless man spoke again.

“I can travel back in time.” Shinichiro didnt know what he was expecting, but this wasnt it.

“What.” It felt like the blood is his body froze, whether it was with rage or with confusion he didn’t know.

“I was naive when i accepted the curse, and now look! Im here. Ive tried to go back and fix it all so often, but it just wont work. I cant do this anymore. I dont want to. I’ve failed and now it’s all over.” The man keeps talking, his already rough voice now thinning into a whispered shout, his voice straining under the sudden stress as he fell into a hysterical spiral, rocking his body back and forth on the bed, his arms coming up to hug himself.

The monitors beside the bed beeped, and nurses came rushing in, flooding the room with a flurry of noise and movement, but Shinichiro remained sitting on the chair, staring down the stranger. Only when one of the male nurses asked him to please leave the room does he get up and remove himself from the room. Shinichiro cast one last look over his shoulder when he stood in the hallway to see the man being lifted onto a separate bed, and be wheeled out behind him into another direction, the nurse squad accompanying him running in perfect coordination.

Shinichiro stood there for a while, and he thinks he might have been offered a seat by a lingering nurse, but he wasnt quite sure. There were no ticks to count, so he didn’t know how long he was standing there. Too long probably. Numbly, Shin made his way down the average hospital stairwell and through the average hospital reception before exiting the average hospital doors, the click that shut the door finally easing his mind.

His breath billowed up in front of him, the clouds of condensation rising slowly, wafting through the cold, crisp air before dissipating completely. His ears picked up on the noise surrounding him- the distant beeping of cars, the solemn crow of a bird in the distance, and most notably, the rain. It was raining now. How strange, he could have sworn it was a clear sky when he looked out the window earlier.

Shinichiro blinks a few times, the piercing cold making his eyes uncomfortably dry as he makes his way down the concrete stairs and towards his bike. It takes him a while to understand that he might have killed that man tonight.

...

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

This is goodbye:

From the first day we locked eyes I knew that you were the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, little did I know that it came with heart ache, tears, laughter, happiness, sadness, loss, etc but at that moment I didn’t care because I knew exactly how I felt. Talking long distance made me learn things about you that other people never knew, I got to know you for you. The moment you told me you loved me I had no idea what to say because I’ve been through so much hurt I didn’t want to give another person the opportunity to hurt me again, but after awhile we connected so much that I could feel myself falling for you and I was scared but I told myself I was ready to experience a whole different kind of love. I remember the heart necklace and the card you wrote me on our 5 months and I was so in awe because no one had ever in their life done something so sweet. The moment I came back and you begged me to come see you, I did and, in that moment, feeling your arms around me I literally felt like I was floating like everything that I had going on outside of us didn’t matter anymore because you were my light at the end of the tunnel I didn’t want to die anymore. I told you the one secret I was hiding from myself, the world, and everyone around me because I confided in you I literally put every inch of me into you (that’s what he said) little did I know you cheated on me 2 weeks before I moved back. When you told me and you said “I will tell you, but I know it will end us” the only thing I wanted was the truth and I responded with “there’s nothing that could ever break us, I’m here”.. We moved passed it and we literally hung out almost every day, I remember you would text me at 8 AM EVERY DAMN MORNING wanting me to wake up because you missed me, and you wanted to see me.  I remember when you skated all the way to my house just to see me and totally busted your ass and I felt so bad, but you told me “I would go through a snake pit if I had to just to see you”. After time things just started getting harder everyone found out about my step dad, and at the point I literally felt like I had nothing.. there’s a secret that I’ve been keeping from you that happened the night I went into treatment.. do you remember how we were messaging each other and I told you “ I love you, but I need to go now” & you said “ everything will be okay I’ll be here waiting for you” well the moment I got off I slit my wrist and I downed some pills and I was literally begging to just have it all ended.. I didn’t want to feel the pain anymore I didn’t want to feel like everything that I had gained over almost a 9 month span was just going to be taken I would have rather wanted to die then to feel alone again. The moment I tried to call you in treatment and you answered you were so excited to hear my voice and you told me “I thought I’d never hear from you again”… Moving forward, I ended up moving in with you after a while and everything was just great (or so we thought) but as time passed we started becoming distant and started falling apart and that’s when other people started getting involved and I didn’t understand why or what I was lacking that you had to find it in other girls.. All I could think about was “ I love him so much, idc” Then it started becoming a repetitive thing and I just didn’t know how to handle it anymore I didn’t I just felt myself going back to the same place I was the day I went to treatment and I didn’t want that I didn’t want to feel that pain ever again and I literally could feel it dragging me back.. when all I wanted and needed was you that’s all I ever wanted… I wanted you to want me I wanted you to love me I wanted you to just see that you had someone who wasn’t gonna leave you.. the pain that I went through I didn’t want you to feel that because I knew how bad it hurt and I wanted to be your light at the end of the tunnel... fast forwarding this just started becoming a cycle you’d find someone better and id be at home waiting.. until after a while I started trying to do my own thing because I got tired of waiting around but even then I always found myself crawling right back no matter what you did to me. Until the last time you did was when I finally told myself I didn’t want to keep doing this.. I moved out and it was hard getting over you but I was doing and we were just friends. Still sucked because you would call me and tell me how you had so much fun at a party or that a fight broke out but never thought to yourself the girl im calling is the girl who is crying over me the girl I completely broke, but again I didn’t care because hearing your voice I felt life.. I contemplated just ending myself because I was right back in that dark place except this time it was worse… then you asked me to stay with you while your parents were out of time and I told you it wasn’t a good idea and your words were “ I would really love it if you stayed with me” and I fell for it.. I ended up moving back but we were still on “friends” but at that moment I became okay with it because I would rather have you as a friend than to not have you at all. As days passed by you would always ask me are you okay? You look sick? Why are you always sleeping?... come to find out we were pregnant but we didn’t know just yet until I took the test and we were both freaked out because we didn’t know what we were going to do and still we weren’t together… after a while everyone started finding out and even then everyone would say “oh theyre not gonna last” “theyre going to end as soon as the baby comes around” but we proved them wrong we gave birth to a BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL.. and in that moment I fell back in love with you.. things were great or so I thought we ended up moving into our own spot we were doing sooo great everything finally felt at peace.. then marriage became a topic little did we know you were going to lose your job… & at this point we were debating on moving to KS… well 2 weeks before we were suppose to get married you were trying to sleep with someone else.. & that’s when everything just shattered right infront of me because I thought we were doing better I thought that things were fine again.. but again it was just a routine that I got use to. We got married.. we moved go KS… and things just started getting worse… your mom and I were constantly at each others throats, gma and I weren’t getting along.. and I just right back in the same position I was in before.. I decided to buy a plane ticket back home and that’s when you said that if I was leaving you were leaving too so we packed up the car and moved right back to VA… after awhile we got our own place and at this point once again things were great again we both had jobs we were living for ourselves for once… then jasmine passed away and you were dealing with work and I was dealing with a loss.. when I needed you to be there you had other stuff going on so I tried to deal with it by myself.. I left for MN for her funeral and you called me saying you got a reckless ticket and got mad at me because I wasn’t worried about that or the fact you almost went to jail.. but I wass trying to learn how to accept that my best friend just killed herself.. I came back and things started feeling different and we started arguing… lets move forward to today.. I guess I just got tired of arguing and I got tired of trying to show you that all I ever wanted was to be here for you and that all I needed you to do is show me the attention or show that you wanted me.. as time started going by I felt myself letting go not because I wanted to but because nothing was changing so it’s what I had to do.. then the moment I moved out was when it clicked and you started trying but at that point I was so deep in just not wanting it to be another routine I put up a block.. and then we started hanging out having fun and I thought that this time was different because you were giving me the attention you were showing me what I wanted and I was happy again… I fell in love with you even though I kept telling myself to hold up a guard.. just incase… well we made plans to DC for our 2 year anniversary and everything felt so amazing because I had the man of my dreams by my side and I couldn’t have asked for anything better. Well.. then IT happened.. and my heart just shattered in pieces.. and at that point I just shut down… and now we are in the position we are in now and everything that has happened these last few days I still want you Im still IN LOVE with you but if I admit that that means im admitting that I’m willing to continue to get hurt by you again.. so I need to let you go because im done being hurt by you im done being happy just for it to get taken away all over again… as to why I told you after everything that happened over the weekend I cant hate you and I cant be mad at you because im in love with you.. but in order for me to accept what everything is and everything that has happened I need to find happiness within myself I need to let go of everything to start over.. i need to let go of the old me to be a better me..

i dont really have the highest hopes for making the goal i had for school odds are i fail a class, do poorly in another or two, and maybe get by decently in one of them i really regret doing online courses since it always goes back to “oh i missed that because it wasn’t posted,” “oh the professors don’t use the news alert system when new stuff is added with a concise explanation of what I need to do in that post blurb that’s 3500 words of bs,” “oh i didnt realize this awkward and uncomfortable ‘post your personal assignments here that are about yourself so a bunch of strangers can also read and criticize it’ was required,” “the syllabus is written out of order, it’s messy and has a bunch of color code usage that’s never explained and makes reading it harder and, oh, they want me to print it out too bad i dont have a fucking printer and looking at it makes me want to throw up since it’s literally just everything put up on a page and i just start panicking because its so much stuff and it immediately overwhelms me” i also fuckin hate the professors who’ll say like “if you’re here just to get a degree you’re in the wrong place” b/c it’s like college costs a lot of fuckin money and you can bet your ass the only reason im here is to get a degree so i can eventually have a job that lets me be financially stable. trying to say “oh it’s just for funtime education” is bullshit when it costs what it does and isn’t even accessible to everyone from the get-go. i could learn the exact same shit for free from a fucking library and the internet, and talk to people i know if i have questions about material. but that doesn’t give me the piece of paper i need. idk i wish there was more of a “oh i can go do this and be fine financially” rather than needing to spend years in a university because i really hate it. i *wish* i hadn’t fucked up before and been as suicidal and couldve got through it *before* its used as a “yea we can’t have you here cuz you dropped out in the past” *even when* it’s an associated school with the one i *did* drop out of and they told me they *would* re-accept me when i was healthier. no im not a great student. i get overwhelmed really easily, i stress out over everything too much, i break down if i miss one assignment. i dont do well on the shit i actually try really hard at. i dont participate in class because it’s a terrifying experience to be called a fucking “idiot” again by a professor (ty philosopher dickhead at uwgb im gonna fucking punch you if i ever see you) i *forget* about assignments a *lot* and *yes* that’s a *my* problem thing but it’s something so extremely difficult to work around without having someone telling me about it, or just having a visible schedule written down about what’s due on a front page that always pops up. which i mean yeah it’s extra work i guess for the professor to just copy paste some info that’d really help me out, and no i dont have this issue as much in a traditional school b/c i actually *go* to the classes to sit in and be reminded through that. and yea im probly gonna fail out unless the other university sighs and says “well she did try and it was online” and ngl i probably would be *fine* in a regular classroom oriented thing *now* it’s more organized and there’s a schedule i can keep to and get into and when i get *into* a schedule i stick to it 100% b/c i derive a sense of security, existence and safety from having schedules. but if i fail out and they dont sigh and say “okay” then im kinda fucked. i mean, i could probably attempt to get through another year there and maybe go to the actual school instead of the online bullshit and *maybe* then i’d actually meet the reqs. but idk if that offer is gonna stand after this year. and idk im just back to feeling really fucking hopeless and empty. i mean ive been feeling this way all this month. i feel like nothings fucking worth it because i feel like i just cant do it. and that ultimately im gonna end up fucked. and i *know* im 90% of the problem. i *know* my thinking of “what’s the point” is screwing me over. i *know* accidentally falling asleep an staying asleep for a whole day is a fucking issue. i *know* i shouldnt forget important shit i need to do. i *know* i should participate no matter how fucking uncomfortable and frightened it makes me. but it feels fucking *impossible* to work with 0 energy. it feels terrifying to be asked “write an introspective piece about yourself and reflect on the events of your life that made you who you are today” BECAUSE i dont talk about THAT STUFF to people I DONT KNOW i *BARELY* covered those topics in *therapy* because of how uncomfortable they make me. and I DONT need a bunch of strangers in a class knowing the shit that happened to me. and fuck i feel like the entire idea behind the writing assignment was “oh this’ll be fun haha” but it’s like... remembering *most of the shit hat directly impacted how i am today* is one of the most fucking difficult things for me to do, especially publicly. i *regret* online schooling. i didnt realize how much i dont work with it until i thought about it this year. i get overwhelmed. i get stressed. i get depressed. i get suicidal. i get hopeless. i feel useless. i didnt realize i *need* to actually *go* to a class because it helps with the isolation i put myself in. because i straight up actually understand shit when someone is actually explaining it to me and not just handing me a textbook and saying “read it that’s it that’s the entire class, but oh, write an informed paper structured off what you read and if you dont understand the material well go fuck yourself i guess.” and in actually *going* there to a physical room it becomes easier to do things like homework and assignments *because i can walk over to the library*. what *really* shit on my previous school ability was like i was overwhelmed (we *just* moved to a *completely* different state and environment, i *just* had a series of panic attacks in italy b/c i thought i could handle it on my own) and the first school didn’t have a/c and it was fucking 101 outside every day and i dont do well in heat, and by that, i mean i hyperventilate, i get dizzy, i get lightheaded, i get emotional and frightened and stressed and cant sleep. the professor who asked if we read the chapter (I DID) and then pointed at me to explain what i read (I DIDNT FUCKING UNDERSTAND IT), and when i finished he just laughed and told me to sit down and pretty much called me an idiot in front of everyone and i started crying. (i also got a 0 so i failed the reading since he didnt believe i read it). at *that* school there were no therapy or counseling or offers like that. the art building made me cry and feel unsafe (i couldnt control it), having to walk *all* the way back to my dorm building at 12AM b/c that’s when my one class ended was *terrifying* then in a different school it was just i had a class that made me physically uncomfortable to be in. i *hated* being in the freshman course for feminism so much. not b/c i hate the material, but i felt so “other” and uncomfortable b/c im a trans woman being asked about my male perspective on shit and i just. i remember leaving because i just felt upset and depressed and i couldn’t get over the really bad dysphoria i kept having in that class (the professor there was the reason i went to counseling on campus, she’s the one who referred me to it in the first place). on top of that, the dorm i was told id be getting was a fucking lie. i was supposed to have one or 0 roommates. i got 5 roommates. beds didn’t fit me b/c of my height (i slept with the back of my feet on an iron bar). the food was straight fucking garbage. one of my roommates just randomly touched me all the time. hugged me, put arms around my neck, *kissed my cheek*. another was always drunk and loud. another talked about making bombs incessantly. one of them seemed actually concerned about me and he came in once or twice when i was face down on my bed just not moving b/c of therapy sessions and talked to me once or twice to make sure i was still alive. friday mornings in winter id be up at 5AM, trying to get ready without waking any of the 5 other people, then walk outside with no access to breakfast/coffee/anything (b/c too early) to get to a class across and off the campus i had to walk to (and when snow was present my feet were numb b/c of all the water that got into my shoes). and then there was the legit getting 4 hours of sleep if that a week. eating basically nothing. extremely suicidal and getting to the point where i was having days where i legitimately could not discern what was real and wasn’t. and then i left ‘cuz my other option was to be hospitalized. from there its just been attempts at online schools. which i already tiraded about above. i mean fuck id be happy if i *could* just go work in retail and make a decent wage and not have to work every waking hour of my life to make it work. like. i *wish* i was lucky enough to be one of those “i had no degree but x really liked my resume” stories i always read about. i *wish* writing and publishing a book was considered and *was* a viable career option without needing to get really fucking lucky. im passionate about writing fiction, but in order to do that professionally, i need a 4 year degree from an institution. i can technically publish something, but if no one ever hears about it or cares, then it doesn’t become a job to have and it does little else. and then there’s also just a lot of irl shit i keep worrying about and dwelling on and nearly making some really fucked up or stupid decisions in the interim. and idk i just i wish i was one of those ppl who felt like they had a future and aren’t likely to die before age 25. or one of those people who just *does* something and it works out and they get to exist.

t/a rambles 1

back on my bullshit part 1

... should look into the tactics ogre games for novel inspo bc my novel is also a political drama ... UNINTENTIONALLY actually id call it a coming of age story in rhe new adult genre since mc is probably 23-25 i have so many feelings about the novel ugh i love my ocs so much and i put them all om opposing sides for this novel the most complex relationship i have in it i think is alex and his mother or rather prince kreutzer in this au queen elaine and her son prince kreutzer .. god its so fucked up bc kreutzer loves his mother- he was largely isolated as a child and his mother was always so loving and sweet and they were so so close but the prince never knew of the shit his mother did as queen she is a tyrant she must have lost a child once. a princess, i think probably to the king who she may have ... overthrew or usurped maybe but regardless of that shes in power now and because she lost a child she became overly protective of kreu and consolidated her power heard of a plot to infiltrate her kingdom and assassinate the son of the previous tyrant king (?) and she just fucking ruled with an iron fist because she has so little trust in the goodness of people that she thinks the only way to achieve good is to force it and as a result she kills anyone who steps out of line thus making the people resent her deeply but to kreutzer shes his mother his loving and doting mother who does all she can to protect him the novel actually starts um after the queen is assassinated h a its not her story but shes a big part of it even after her death bc a big portion of the theme is like coming to terms with the complexity of individuals no one is all good or all bad and kreu starts out unable to understand this he has a very black and white view of moralitt like his mother at the beginning on his coronation day theres an assassination attempt made on him but he gets whisked away by the court jester after that a coup is staged and rebels take over the country and the prince is forced to hide with a traveling circus that the jester brings him to where every performer... is a fugitive or criminal! and thats where his personal growth really begins bc he learns abt these people and realizes his world view was wrong people are complex people do bad things... for just reasons and vice versa esp Keith who makes a major appearance in the novel his entire bg story takes place outside the novel as well hahaha but its a lot after a raid on his village, hes orphaned along w his little sister who is ill so to make ends meet / buy medicine he does literally every fucking crime under the sun starting off with petty theft and scaling up to murder literally sacrificing every last shred of innocence he has for the sake of his ailing sister who... dies anyway! and im thinking, tbh, its a fantine/cosette/thenardiers type sitch where this quack doctor is basically scamming him except instead of fantine dying cosette does anyway thats where he fucking hits rock bottom he could handle things as long as he had someone to fight for you know he was alright with it bc his sister was there, his saving grace but when she dies hes all alone thats probably when lydia finds him i imagine he would he on the verge of suicide or at the very least dying of self imposed starvation and neglect but honestly probably suicide julie's death on top of the crushinf weight of all the crimes hes committed the innocence he lost, the lives he took its just way too much and hes just a naive kid lydia finds him and takes him back to the circus takes care of him gives him food and water and shelter and slowly tries to reach him slowly teaching him that there is still life to be lived that he is so young, and it is far too soon for him to lay down and die that he should live for his dead family, because that is what they would want to keep their memory alive in his heart and he begins to come around slowly starts doing chores for the troup then he finally sees one of their performances acrobats and the trapeze and the glitz and the glamor its the first time in years where he ... wasnt thinking about his dead sister or his trauma he asks lydia to teach him how to "do that" he says while pointing at the stage and so she does and ever since then hes taken up performing full time as a .. daredevil type act doing outrageously dangerous things for the thrill of it it excites him, the risk he loves to see how close to the edge of death he can walk without falling and it fuels him makes him enjoy being alive again and he's.. happy god by the time you meet keith in the novel he's just this happy go lucky teen with this smugness about him a kind of dangerousness belying a sweet exterior he's all jokes and laughs at this point and you'd never be able to tell what he went thru at first glance or at all really bc honestly, at this point he honest to god is okay lies and dirt - Last Thursday at 6:00 AM he... doesnt need anyone's pity. he doesn't need anything but the feeling of being alive now and one of the major points of the novel is prince kreu's relationship with him... bc at first they really clash and kreu is just... he's a fucking criminal and all of then deserve to hang keith plays this off w jokes at first but kreu keeps being antagonistic bc he just cant believe a criminal like him is getting away without punishment but then one day keith snaps at him knife to the prince's throat dangerous, cat like eyes, the usual smile on his face no where to be found you're right. i'm a thief. a liar. a criminal. a murderer. i'm all those things. but i'll tell you one thing, prince: i'm not worthless. he pulls the knife away and walks off leaving the prince stunned after this lydia talks to kreu explaining that maybe he shouldn't judge keith so quickly hinting that the circumstances of his life were... not ideal when i first found him, he was already half dead. perhaps not physically, but in the eyes. you could see the reaper in them. hhmgmgn i need to think more abt the circumstances around this scene ah keith must have been looking for a good place to die

the music from the circus reminded him of better days, when he played songs with his family. i imagine him.. outside the tent, somewhere obscured and there's music flowing from its interior... he's tired. he sits down against a barrel and he's been starving, exhausted... letting sleep take him away on the songs from the circus back to a time he used to be happy...

lydia fines him and shakes him but his eyes look glassy and he's unresponsive

he's taken poison must have been something from his former days working as an assassin something he saved for himself just in case and that's when lydia takes him in and nurses him back to health she's a water mage w healing capabilities so she's able to do it and i imagine at first keith is hurt, angry why am i still alive? i im fucking myself up in the feels i hate this THIS ISNT EBEN IN THE FUCKINF BOOK IT ALL HAPPENS BEFORE IT KEITJS NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER HERE BUT IM SO FUCKED UP ugh after kreutzer learns a bit abt keiiths origins he actually thinks a lot. and tries to make amends. apologizes to keith who doesnt say anything much he's sitting, eyes away from the prince, fiddling with the knives he uses for his performances

"a raid took my parents away. illness took away my sister."

"i did a lot of things for money. most of it i'm not proud of. but i would have done anything to save her... you know?"

"you've got someone you love too, don't you?" kreutzer thinks of his mother. the surrogate brother who disappeared on him and never returned "i do." "then, you get it." after this they start to really bond almost as siblings.. which is really funny bc kreutzer doesnt need to be protective of keith keith can MORE THAN take care of himself but its new for kreutzer to feel.. responsibility for someone else like this he was always the one protected before keith laughs at this a lot what're you trying to do? be my big bro? but secretly he ...really likes having family again as idiotic as kreutzer is ofc lydia has always been there for him but as a surrogate mother an older sib is new and.. kind of nice in canon modern au they really are basically bros LOL actually cousins via mothers but alex/kreu goes to live w keiths family after his mom (lain) dies so they essentially grow up like brothers i didn't even get started w the fucking mess that is alan and kreutzer alan goes by calisto also and he hes the court jester but he was trained from a young age as a snake in the kings court he was supposed to kill the prince when the time was right but alan and his dumb fucking gay ass FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM INSTEAD spoiler alert: its unrequited btwn alex and alan is NEVER requited in ALL aus its because alan ... doesnt love himself at all. he has no sense of... purpose or identity alex can never love someone like that but either way he becomes the prince's personal servant and entertainer and this idiot falls for him the naivete he displays, the timid stateliness, the unfitting title of prince bestowed on his shoulders- kreutzer is far too soft to be the leader of this kingdom and alan increasingly has the desire to protect him even as kreu grows older and more skilled in his studies there is always the anxious trepidation they also grow up together from around ages 11-present at the time of the novels start god alan loves him so much it hurts me but its so one sided alex loves cyrus in modern au ): alan could never be more than just a phase tbh poor guy alan and his low self esteem and depression the worst part of this thougg is that because alan feels aimless and without purpose when he falls for kreutzer he ... finally has his OWN cause to fight for and he takes it to the extreme betraying everyone that trusted him to do his job for the sake of a man who wont ever love him it bites him in the ass too bc i kill him off as a catalyst for other stuff h ahahahhahahahahahahaha not just kill him off but horribly because HE FUCKING BETRAYED HIS ENTIRE SIDE THEY ARE, UNDERSTANDABLY, PISSED Alan is so fuckong flawed hes a fuckinf mess and i love it ugh im thinkijg of another scene in the novel once kreutzer gets captured bt the coup rebels he actuallt submits himself voluntarily bc keith gets kidnapped and used as ransom keith tells him hes a fucking idiot keiths life doesnt matter dont fucking come for me! but kreu doesnt listen obviously and they torture kreutzer bc i love suffering and after that they make him listen in a mock trial to the testimonials of all the people hurt by his mother death to the queen! death to elaine of koel! all the horrible stories of lives unjustly cut short because of his mother it breaks him because he loves his mother so much but she's done all these horrible things he doesn't know what to do how to make amends the damage was done and he takes their wrath their scorn and anguish and i'm sorry as if sorry could ever fix anything but it is his burden to carry, his punishment to suffer in place of the queen ironically this makes lilya have a change of heart she was infiltrating the queens court just as alan did and she is directly responsible for her death her assassination, i think or the king's? either way shes part of the rebel forces and she DESPISES the queen good fucking riddance as far as she's concerned that woman made her life hell(edited) so she can rot in it for all lilya cares for but seeing kreutzer there bloodied tortured sobbing broken and taking the punishment doled out to him without so much as a word of protest(edited) she thinks... this... isnt right this is wrong. because kreutzer was not responsible for the sins of his mother as much as people want to blame him, take out their anger on him lilya was at first all gung ho about ending the royal bloodline lies and dirt - Last Thursday at 7:02 AM but she reconsiders this moment feels something tugging at her this isnt right

she remembers her sister back at the circus— lydia. who she always loved dearly but clashed with, leading to her abandoning the circus and joining the rebellion.

retribution is deserved, but should it be served? what then makes us different from our oppressors?

or sth like that so she rescues kreutzer takes him back to the circus. and reunites with her sister after so many years after that ik not entirely sure what to do w the novel LOL bc i know there has to he a big battle bc the rebellion forces begin to quell opposition like how the communist regime in other countries started in ernest bc people felt oppressed but then they went too far and started culling the middle class so then kreutzer leads his own rebellion force against them to take back the country then once he wins he uses his kinghood to dissolve the monarchy and embrace democracy instead asking lydia to lead hes much too tired to lead, and she is much better suited for it but hm inhabe to think more about that entire segment after this he takes over lydias spot in the circus as its owner and organizer and with keith he spends the rest of his days helping people just like keith also they properly mourn alans death it takes forever for kreu to come to terms w his mothers assassination and crimes he probably never truly works it out but he begins to be able to recognize that she is both the tyrant queen and his loving mother that they do not cancel eachother out, that they are not mutually exclusive they are one in the same UGH IM SO UPSET I WISH ID FUCKING WRITE THIS BC I WANT TO FUCKING READ IT the message i wanna convey is like people.. are complex, imperfect, and the systems they create are also subjected to that but everyone does things for a reason. no matter what that reason is and i want lydia to address this too when she becomes the new prime minister of koel a democracy is not perfect, because man is not perfect. there will be hardship, mistakes made along the way. but together we can grow, improve, and learn about one another— and better our society for it. and i believe anywhere injustice goes, justice will always follow(edited) sth like that ig

yeah i want to die.

probably not literally. 

all these posts are basically regurgitations of the last. 

i dont know. i guess i came here to write because i thought maybe id make me feel better, but instead its just the same thought pattern. im just complaining about more of the same, & while i can at least give myself some credit for putting in some effort into improving my life, (aka meeting bare minimum ‘adult’ requirements) i cant say my life has improved much at all. 

im literally forcing myself to write something because otherwise id just sit here &  stare at nothing. i was lying in bed reading earlier, but turns out F*CK FEELINGS is almost insulting in how over simplified they recommend handling problems. then was afraid of falling asleep & screwing up my sleeping patterns. sleeping patterns i keep for a job that cant sustain me. even if it could though fact is id live alone & become more reclusive. 

i just cant trust people really. let them too close. they always leave or whatever. grow apart. i dunno. it just always ends up being just me. 

ive had such close friends that i thought; i dunno.  “best friends.”

when i think about what a best friend is, i think of two distinctive christmases. both of which involve my sisters, c, & m. they're two entirely different times, but i remember watching them with their best friend, & exchanging gifts. so many of them. they were single, so i guess it makes sense. actually....  

i wonder if it was m & a best friend relationship growing up that i was always envious of. my sister still has these drawings that a had given her in elementary school. that was what i was always most envious of. elementary school. they literally have known each other since childhood. they can understand each other in such deep ways because of how deeply rooted theyre friendship is.

& ive just never had that. 

though i guess thats obvious given that in pouring out my prepubescent feelings to an actual void rather than something that could respond back.

my ‘best friend’ is a married heterosexual that always seems to want to fuck me whenever we hang out. which is probably why he invited my sister with us yesterday. same sister i work with & whos been kind of driving me nuts lately. same sister that tried fucking him once actually. anyway. that whole fucking thing sucks. i just want a friend man. i dont want to have to worry about trying to talk to him because of whatever suppressed whatever he has going on. 

my other sort of option of someone to talk to or hang with is my ex. which shouldnt be an option. its kind of not. but dudes been hitting me up reeeaaalll hard lately & i dont know how the fuck to respond. never asks me how im doing but always lets me know hes horny. im not even sure if im still in love with him; but i know my feelings for him are still super fucking all over the place, & no one wants to hear about it. especially him. 

i often feel like i back myself up in these positions, where i isolate myself during times of depression, & basically neglect all my friendships. so im not even sure if i can really be upset at anyone else but myself. 

its super unlikely, but ive been sort of considering trying heroin or meth. not because my brothers life styles seem at all appealing, but because id just really like to feel nice for a bit. stupid obviously, but, hey, being miserable for months on end will do that.

i dont feel any better.