#id probably have to do more research tho just in case so i dont fuck shit up V-V''
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(watching disassembly videos of laptops) oooooh i could do that. thats easy <- absolutely could not do that
#To Be Honest. i should probably disassemble my other laptop (aka just take the bottom off)#because the fans dont work well in their One Purpose (keeping the fucker cool)#and im realizing that it might be due to heavy dust build up...#how hard could it be to simply unscrew some screws; clean up the fan; and then put the base back on#how hard could it be? (clueless)#id probably have to do more research tho just in case so i dont fuck shit up V-V''#though the screens kinda borked. i think the screen connecters arent connecting properly to the motherboard#or something like that#bc if you move the screen it has a chance of either removing the camera or shutting the display off#so id have to do some real soldering there most likely. with the soldering tools i totally have#.or actually get a professional to fix it. that is also an option#though i have no idea how much it costs here.#hm............
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Ok so these were the cutest~ (ㆁωㆁ)
4, 6, 7, 9, 12, 19, 22, 23, 28, 33, 34, 46, 47, 52, 59, 60, 63, 66, 83, 87, 88, 93, 99
I kno I listed like....all of them lmao but feel free to answer whichever you want and ofc you can ask me in return Baybe ( ◜‿◝ )♡
uHUHUHUHU much content for me to answer, im happy bebe 💜💜💜✨
4 - how do you take your coffee/tea?
hm coffee either Very Black No Sugar (for the sleep deprived me) or iced latte three sugars and theres no in between
and as for tea its All Black Teas That Exist, cinnamon-flavoured especially (but basically all teas that come to mind when u think “autumn”), and rooibos!!! okay basically the only oke i dont like is any type of green tea (which is sad because they look cool but my tastebuds said ✨no✨)
6 - do you keep plants?
honestly id l o v e too because i love plants but,,, im kinda horrible at taking care of them though still way better than the majority of my family (research helps) so the only plant i own is kinda a small-palm-tree-looking thing in a bigass glass jar that i saved from my mother’s plant-destructing hands and its mostly doing well (the ends of its leaves are starting to be yellow tho and im worried:((( )
7 - do you name your plants?
yes!!! though the current one was named by my sister and its called “pickett” after fantastic beasts shsjjsj
9 - do you like singing/humming to yourself?
oh god oh dude you have n o idea
i have absolutely n o singing voice but its something i do constantly to give my brain the right amount of stimuli so basically i listen to music 24/7 and hum to myself 99% of that time
12 - whats your favourite planet?
oh i actually didnt think about this for so long but either pluto (hes a planet screw nasa) or saturn (RINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) or venus (girls,,,and libra,,,)
19 - do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw in it?
okay im gonna be completely honest with yall and say that my every single try at keeping a journal failed spectacularly and i lost motivation after like a few months so my only journals rn are my fancy fake-leather-bound calendar to note tests and assessments into, a kinda roughed up notebook that i uses for noting down poems or scribbling or passing notes in class, and a kinda fancy bullet journal notebook that i used as a book of shadows for a while but since my fountain pen died i didnt touch it
22 - are you a morning person?
n o
i am so not a morning person but i wish i could be because honestly dawns are beautiful
but as it is rn im either sleep deprived all the time and loathe every second of being in an awake state or (if i have a few days of schoolbreak) my biological clock moves forward a few hours and i sleep 2am-10am
23 - whats your favourite thing to do on lazy days with zero obligations?
except for the fact that i dont remember the last time it happened, i would probably spend it drawing outside, watching anime with my sister and riding a bike around the forest
28 - sunrise or sunset?
i love sunrises because its so peaceful and everyone is asleep but also i subconsciously immediately correlate them with waiting for a train to take me to school (because thats basically the only time i see them) so its a bittersweet love especially with my fucked up biological clock
but sunsets are really really pretty too and i see them more often so i cant choose
33 - whats your fave pastry?
and isnt that a millior-dollar question dhsjjsjsj
either cinnamon rolls (i absolutely adore them) or that one specific type of cupcake-shaped-thing made out of shortcrust/bread/whatever its called and filled with vanilla pudding
34 - tell us about a stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?
awwww this is cute
okay so basically my two favourite stuffed animals (i still have them, they sit in my wardrobe) were two teddy bears (like maybe 20cm high each of them) and one was pure brown and the other was silver-brown and they had stereotypical polish male names “Waldek” (read. Valdek) and Stefan (i think tho im not sure if i remember correctly, my memory is a feeble thing sometimes
46 - tell us the worst pun you can think of
what dog would never bite you? a hot dog *badumtss*
47 - what food do you think should be banned from the universe?
huh a year ago id say pineapple pizza but i guess i dont hate pineapples that much anymore (tho putting them on pizza is still an abomination) but i think that if id ever want to get rid of anything it would be parsley, i hate that freakin herb (does it count as food tho)
52 - what are your favourite memes of the year so far?
the ever given for sure shsjshjsjsjsjjsj
but bullying tramp stamps is gold and pure tumblr energy too
as for fandom memes: im in love with all keeping-up-with-the-todorokis variations and the fact that the entire bsd fandom looked at fukuchi and said “biTCH” and thats one of the only things we’re unanimous about
59 - whats your favourite myth?
i always liked the kora/persephone myth (though demeter is an overbearing parent to the nth power), loki and thor crossdressing at a party to get mjolnir back, atalanta because shes a queen and id politely ask her to kick my ass, and cassandra because she deserved better, and theres a l o t more because alas i was a mythology nerd but this post is long enough for me not to make this section 20 times longer sjjsjsjsjsjks
but there are a lot of slavic myths that are very cool too, though we dont know that much about them as about the greeks for example
60 - do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?
o o o o h yeah i do like poetry because to create such a beautifully sounding thing with only words someone has to be a genius
some of my favs are: some works of nakahara chuuya (thank u bsd for introducing me to this man’s beautiful imagery in his works i swear to god the descriptions do it for me) (also his poem about having hangovers is a mood like i feel you buddy), the raven by ea poe (i know everyone likes it but hOLY DAMN THE INTER/INTRAVERSE RHYMES ARE LIKE,,, BREATHTAKING) (and aso im a slut for gothic horror), and many more but also That One Poem From Welcome To Nightvale about reaching the island in the west,,, only perfect vibes from it
63 - are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organised or kinda leave them be?
okay heres the thing. for anyone else both my playlist library and my bookshelf would be considered pure chaos of a mad man b u t they actually have a highly focused system which means that i sort them based on their vibes, lovability and (in case of books) their age and whether or not theyre a part of a series so i would say my bookshelf is rather organised (when a quarter of it isnt occupying my desk that is) and my music is more organised than not but sometimes it gets out of control and i have to sort it entirely again
66 - what would your ideal flower crown look like?
either entirely constructed of simple white daisies, entirely constructed of only white roses, or something that probably would win a “how many different coloured flowers can one fit in a flower crown” competition
or something purple (maybe not belladonna)
83 - whats some of your favourite album art?
god i dont know if it counts but hozier’s wasteland baby is probably one of my absolute favourites and no one shall beat that
“thrifted youth” (dalynn) and “standard deviation” (danny schmidt) have very aesthetic covers too
also the iconic p!atd too weird to live, too rare to die! album cover,,, its just iconic what can i say
and last but not least matt meason’s pink-and-black album covers (though bank on the funeral is really pretty too but like,,, “who killed matt meason” d o e s it for me and so does the 2017 tribulation single)
87 - what are some movies that you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?
this is such a hard question because im not a really cinematography-oriented gal but i suppose that (at the risk of not going deep enough into the cinema world):
- the princess bride
- inception
- night at the museum
- SPIRITED AWAY
- forrest gump
- truman show
- E.T. (i cried okay)
- the lord of the rings (because damn me if this isnt one impressive adaptation)
- parasite
and one more personal recommendation: “ready or not” with samara weaving because goddamn i dont usually watch this genre but holy s h i t is it good
93 - whats the hairstyle you wear the most?
honestly just plain hair down (because having curly hair is a menace), split in the middle when i have longer hair and split on one side when its short
also low ponytails or half-up-half-down when im exercising, or double french braids when my hair doesnt cooperate enough to look presentable in any other form
99 - list some songs that resonate with your soul whenever you hear them
this is difficult because my music taste is a goddamn rollercoaster on a good day, but heres some:
- me and the sky from “come from away” musical (this is sort of a test song for my mental stability, if i cry i aint stable)
- dancing after death by matt meason (okay most songs by matt meason except for like,,, hallucinogenics maybe)
- tears and rain by james blunt
- i will follow you into the dark by death cab for cutie
- almost home by mxmtoon
- anything by hozier really but shrike especially
- payphone, the cover by alex g (i cried to this song so many times)
- burning pile by mother mother (can i roast all my problems please)
- long way from home and cleopatra by the lumineers
- autoclave by the mountain goats
oooh that was c o o o o o o o l as fuck thank you sm so much bebe (and sorry for the long post @everyone else)
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alternatively koshi is a hufflepuff alongside Rien, which probably bothers her for quite a while. not being with rien specifically, though she’s not a huge fan. but being a hufflepuff. it doesn’t make sense!! why isn’t she a gryffindor? or a slytherin, as her classmates shyly suggest. shyly, because with the bad reputation of the house preceding it, koshi takes great offence to the suggestion of being a slytherin.
also when i said mudblood, i meant muggle born. i forgot what the fuck shit was called. so rien and saval are supposedly both muggleborn. rien is actually ‘just’ a half blood, though this isn’t known until someone points out an uncanny resemblance to some wizard guy somewhere. maybe even at some event, idk for shit.
yengchu and koshi definitely play quidditch. yengchu becomes captain of the gryffindor team in her later years. koshi is one of the most ruthless players for the hufflepuff team and at least one of its victories throughout her time on the team can be directly attributed to her not being afraid to get down and dirty. whether they ever win the quidditch cup off of that is.. unclear (ill be real, i did research, and Man hufflepuff never even got the final once in those 8 years? jesus). she’d give it a solid go, though.
i dont know if saval or rien would want in. tamjol DEFINITELY doesnt. he doesn’t want in at all. he supports his friends though! sitting in the wrong bleacher with bright scarfs yelling and cheering. lovely boy. assuming they arent playing, rien is doing the same. saval would be a lot more subtle about it but she is at Every Single game without fail.
uhhhhhh what else.... hmmmmmmm. i dont know enough about shit to say anything else, i dont think. if amali is a hufflepuff, dalen is.... probably a slytherin, actually. or a gryffindor. tamjol’s father, aka Dick Assholeson, is definitely a person who exists in the broader world. probably as just like.... a huge asshole. huge pure blood asshole. definitely a slytherin. whether all his kids w/ his first wife as also slytherins is unclear, but its probably the case. most of them are ok, tho. tamjol is definitely known to be a half blood but his father keeps it EXTREMELY secret as to the fact he’s remotely connected to the family. So when people see Tamjol present with the whole Shonyul family on 1 3/4, for starters Hintero isn’t even there, its Elion and like. a butler or smth. And when someone asks hey, who’s the kid, Elion says it’s the kids of a ‘friend of hers’ who wasn’t able to come himself. Tamjol shrugs and gets on the train. He doesn’t sit with the Shonyul’s after they get on, anyway. being a ravenclaw is not the worst house he couldve gotten into given his family situation, but it’s not slytherin, so it’s a bit :| I don’t think Elion was a slytherin, though as a pureblood she may well have been.
rien’s dad is... around? not sure what he’s doing. he’s probably not a teacher or a quidditch star, though. he’s prooobably a slytherin, given his being a noble in CSFY, but he could be a ravenclaw, idk for shit. ill shade slytherin for him. clearly not a, uh, blood purist, considering who the kids mum is. he probably has other kids in later year levels at hogwarts, though, who are probably pure blooded? statistically, right. either slyths or ravenclaws. they dont share thaaaatt much of a resemblance to rien initially, but there is a lil something uncanny. like sometimes you’ll catch them in the same bleachers for a quidditch match and they’ll turn to react to something you haven’t seen and you’ll get a look at their faces all at once and go Wow.... Rien sure does look like they fit. This isn’t the case for Tamjol since he takes after his dad (who was probably a half blood or muggleborn)
actually Elion and Brasteon were probably in the same house, which would therefore not be slytherin. so we’ll chuck em both in ravenclaw.
and actually now i think about it.... larusion wouldn’t be a pureblood. not just because we got Too Fucking Many of these bastards, but because their grandmother (Lani Koshidan) was, in CSFY, a regular person given a title. ergo, she was probably a muggleborn. So when lani’s daughter marries Dravulean, their child is not a pureblood. They are still heavily associated with that pureblood heritage though.
uhh yengchu is probably a half giant? purely because i cant think/find a half- creature which fits the csfy elves properly. its either half giant or part veela. veela would be funny for the fact that yengchu is a lesbian and her charms work on everyone except the people she would actually want to do out with. for comedy alone, we’ll say she’s part veela.
as far as ‘counterpart to possession’ goes, im not honestly sure how to handle the fact that Koshi sort of has that lurking around. my gut instinct is that she’s a werewolf, and that this is something acquired during her time at hogwarts rather than while she was young (ala lupin). that would almost certainly get her expelled though, like just flat out given the boot. plus like, How would that even happen? what was happening in there. was this at school? if it was at hogwarts itself, then she has a chance of being allowed to stay as a sort of... repayment for allowing it to happen to her by failing to keep her safe from it. which is pretty much the only way she’d be let back in. but then you gotta ask how the fuck an asshole werewolf managed to get onto school grounds during the full moon and how koshi ended up getting infected as a result. and also only koshi. like. What happened there. what the fuck. wh. unless there’s been a chain of werewolf infection going along, like someone got bit outside of school year and then at the start of the new year, full moon, goes nuts, Koshi is taking a quick walk to clear her head because she’s a feisty mother fucker, and bam. victim number 3. id baaaasically buy that. the other kids getting fucking expelled but due to Koshi being a sympathetic victim, she’s allowed to stay. right? none of her friends are animagi tho, so she’s sort of fresh out on that front. not unless tamjol decided to do so for his own reasons, to soooort of parallel to the ghost thing? im not against the idea i just dont know why he’d do it. like that’s not really his thing. his thing is divination and stuff. nothing to really do with transfig.
it really is the best parallel though, since it doesnt basically the exact same thing her pact does, just with more physical changing and less clarity. plus god can you fucking imagine if a student gets infected with lycanthropy AT school? fuck. that shit’d be wild. theres no way they’d get away with that. theres no way that noone else finds out that Koshi is a werewolf. like, yea, teachers WOULD be the first people to respond to hearing absolutely fucking bloodcurdling screams from a courtyard, but the idea that absolutely no other student would end up seeing anything? that no other Smart Kid will notice that they brought silver to the sick room? that noone has seen the attacker and that coincidentally one of their classmates isn’t around? that none of that classmates friends were aware at all about it? fuuuck no. someone knows. someone will spill the beans. itd only be able to stay quiet for so long. someone will find out about it. if they dont, rumours will still spread. Koshi’s a werewolf, fuckers would jeer.
theres no way. its too big a thing in universe that i dont really think it works. cause if she’s bitten outside of school then there’s reaaaalllly not a way for her to get back in, i dont think. like i dont think they’d want her back at school. and while in csfy koshi did drop out of school, this isnt... really the same thing at alllllll? so idk. having her be an animagus was almost fit, but not really? its rough. something definitely happens during her later years, though.
who else... Teyavion! yeaaa she exists. slytherin for her, pureblooded as fuck my dudes. if any slytherin was associated with death eaters, itd be Teyavion. defo not a quiddith player. her unnamed (?) boyfriend is likely also a slytherin. anyone else? PAIYATL! MY MAN! he’s a teacher. probably not DADA, but he’s somewhere. he is definitely teaching at school. he wouldve been a gryffindor. Payima, his eldest, is... a ravenclaw, i think! and then idk about the other two... possibly gryffindors? yea. ooh, ooh, larnani! uh....... hmmmm. gryffindor, probably! :D
so uhh tl;dr Rien is a half-blood Hufflepuff who thinks they’re a muggleborn, Tamjol is a half-blood Ravenclaw whose ‘father’ is likely a prominent magical figure of Some kind (auror, maybe?), Yengchu is a part-Veela Gryffindor who is the captain of the Quidditch team later in school (probs chaser?), Koshi is a half-blood Hufflepuff, possible werewolf, and likely beater in the hufflepuff quiddith team, and Saval is a muggleborn Slytherin. Amali is a Hufflepuff and Dalen is a Slytherin (of unknown blood status, amali possibly being pure or at least of a well respected half house), Larusion is a half blood Ravenclaw with their dad being like, a minister or Something. probably not the minister, but he’s up there. he is definitely involved.
#story blogging#harry potter stuff#this is a mess dont worry about it#like half this post is me rambling about whether koshi should be a werewolf or not lmao and i still dont know!#its a very god fit for what happened to her in csfy (with some uh Key differences) but itd basically end her schooling you feel me#i know that they got nicer to werewolves after the wizarding war but hhh youve got a student with a history of being aggressive#who now transforms into a wolf on the full moon. part of you is just :| at the idea of having her on school grounds#youd basically have to find a young animagus who is her friend and we're fresh out. not that she doesnt have friends its just#none of them are animagus. yet? h tamjol might be at some point idk yall
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thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me
idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time
anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings:
1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march
1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on
2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school
2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours.
2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh
okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart
3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess.
anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant.
4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it. and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold.
that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks.
also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves, no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example.
anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel.
anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)
side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit.
anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth
#rant time#bc i guess i need to vent out my feelings that are just annoyingly complex and i cant actually deal with them#aka i hate myself#but not like actively or aggressively#i prefer not think i exist but thats not even covered up above#just bullshit#dont read if youd like to keep your day being nice
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