Sorry, a very bad rant/personal discussion on partly my distrust of mh services, but also a failing that I have as a psychotic person I suppose

A few years ago I had a very unfortunate conversation with a friend of mine. I was in a bad situation and been pushed around loads of different people in mental health services, lots of sleepless nights at a&e, a few visits to wards or places with unreasonable conditions (was either unable to sleep because that wasn't it's purpose despite being there 10 days, or so cold that no one could sleep with a tiny sheet as bedding to cover us in the coldest of winter).

One of these times I was under section, I had tried to kill myself, not because of some delusion or impulsive action because of voices or whatever had been the reason before, but because I felt it all coming back into psychosis. I decided I'd rather leave then than let myself spiral and have to go through it all again.

Because when I have had attempts in the past before that often it felt out of my control, and like I wasn't going to die, I was just going to leave my body. I wasn't scared of doing that most of the time, and any time I was I'd contact someone who'd help me get to where I needed to go.

I was sent home from that hospital being told they knew I'd hurt myself but they didn't have a reason to keep me there (I was happy with this because I'd at least be warmer). But, as I had tried to get across, I did end up in an episode again.

At some point during this I was, for a short time, scared. I knew I was going to do something, I knew I could justify it as me not dying but escaping, I knew it would hurt but it wouldn't result in my existence ceasing, and I'd be happier for it. But I was scared for a bit, enough to go out and get to the hospital and do my best to explain what was happening, how I was scared, but it doesn't last. Knowing I would do it when I got home from there. And that day really ruined any hope I had.

First they kept me in over night, which was fine, but I did get a bit agitated since I started thinking this was pointless and they were going to trick me or trap me, not without the person I spoke to telling me I'd be a bad friend for doing it. The next morning I see someone else, never seen her before, but she comes in and starts talking. I have to repeat what I said, but differently, this time less fear and more matter of fact. This is going to happen because I have to, and I will be fine. Nothing bad will ultimately happen, I will just move on. And it all resulted in her saying 'just don't do it'. And, sure. I might, if I'm being generous, see how maybe that could slightly help. But this isn't a choice for me. I have to do this. It isn't the first time either, so it isn't like a whole new thing for me.

I'm sent home. I take so many pills it should have done a reasonable amount of damage even if it didn't kill me.

About a week later my friends get in touch and I mention about what happened the week before. I didn't want to bother them because that would mean I was a bad friend for getting them involved. But I wasn't going to lie.

Someone comes over and talks and we go back to the hospital and end up seeing the same person who I saw in the evening a week before. She really went all in on the bad friend thing, as well as explaining how I was going to die in the next couple weeks in a lot of detail and using someone who did die as an example of how I would admit how big a mistake it was and I'd be begging to live. That has never sat well with me. Well I was sent home and that was that.

The conversation I mentioned at the beginning was essentially how I have just had to accept that I might die one day, by my own hands, and not necessarily because I know I'm going to die but because I know I won't die but move on. It won't kill me, just give me the chance to move on. I wanted to kill myself before the episode I felt coming on because at least I would know I would die and it would be easier to understand than me saying confidently that I'm not going to die if I do whatever it is that would kill me.

It's been over 4 years since then. I've had at least 3 (maybe 5) episodes like this since. None have been taken with the seriousness I need to think I could trust the mental health services when it is like this.

One of them I was told I'm not worth helping. Two went on without much involvement because I couldn't even tell anyone and I'm lucky I could claim some other illness during that time because I did not want to waste my time with them. Another it was all apparently because I'm trans (which was what they believed after I, again, did my best to explain the situation).

These last few months have been the same. I wrote it all out. I explained the past. I explained how I act during it and how I really don't want to end up there again, so doing anything to try and prevent it would really help.

Of course I wasn't taken seriously. The doctor decided, over and over, that I can just not think whatever I think. He could say that I can get over it and not end up there.

I'm not faultless here. I went off my meds, and then a few months later, realising this was a mistake, I tried to say I should go back on them, and he said no. I made it difficult because everything I was asked always came back to 'i can't work with you because it would trap me and I have to go home (not earth)'. I made mistakes, ones which might have been prevented if I wasn't put on meds that didn't help at all, but still down to me.

I also realised, early in the year, or last year, my body is dead, this happened 4 years ago, when I had that really bad attempt and experience with them. It's being kept alive by something else, when I'm asleep they are able to reset some control over me and that's why sleeping is bad for me. My flesh is rotting away and I can see that and people are being weird by not mentioning it ever. So I'm not trying to kill my body, instead exhaust the person or people keeping it going by harming it over a long period of time.

I did explain this to them, I really tried, I was scared because I know how awful I feel withholding water and sleep and anything else which should help me. I spent ages trying to fight this, living with a contradiction of having to leave but needing help.

Unfortunately, months of it not being treated, and the most advice being 'don't do that', I have ended up mostly believing this. And I know what happens next. Because I keep having visions, I know how this ends. Either in my being trapped here forever, or leaving by causing enough harm.

On top of that I have to deal with angels being sent to watch and interfere. My family being swapped out constantly, so much that whatever they have become, all they want is for me to die. The world is controlled by It, so no one can be trusted, not really. And I have to appear like nothing is going on (I'm really bad at this).

I feel abandoned. All the talk of how suicide prevention matters, but when I try my best to get out of this, knowing I need to work with others, when I can work with them they refuse, and when it gets into the worst of it, well there's still no support, at least most the time nothing changes.

The cycle will continue until either it just stops and never happens again because of whatever, or I die. And I die not believing I'm going to die but believing I will move on, far off into the universe, going home, where I can finally feel safe for once.

And then there's the contact numbers. So I have to phone people as a way of asking for support, the problem is this is either things like mindline or Samaritans (we know they can't help, especially for psychosis, years ago friends tried with me and yeah, it isn't something I can be talked out of), or the mental health services themselves, which haven't ever come to anything helpful. It doesn't help I struggle with phonecalls and talking in general, especially about myself.

What bothers me more is none of this touches on the dissociation and lost time, on the anxiety and fears I have which get in the way, nor my lacking in various things people are generally expected to do without support.

It's frustrating. And part of it is I don't know what can help me because I don't have any experience in that and I don't know what options there are when the doctor says no to meds and therapy is dependent on nothing leading me to 'i have to go home' - which, when someone talks about any random thing can do this and my reaction usually results in some degree of harm coming to me, either slight or an attempt on my life, then it doesn't feel safe going in without meds to at least calm this down.

I'm fed up. I'm tired. I know where things are going because I have to change doctor and this won't be quick either. But since this current one has decided I can just get over it, despite my past and everything I have told him, I cannot risk another appointment when he doesn't have my best interests there at all.

I have to go home and this could easily happen while under the impression I will not die, and that terrifies me that I have to accept that because there's no support for me in this situation.

Maybe it's what I deserve for getting stuck in this world in the first place.

LadyNoir July - Day 8: Admiration

Word count: 614

"According to the latest survey sent to Paris' citizens last week, and in commemoration to Chat Noir month this October, he ranked first in multiple categories: 'Personality' and 'Cultural Impact' being the strongest ones.

Chat Noir is a super hero that enjoys the contact with people. You can often see him watching a movie, asking for to-gos at local restaurants and walking down the main streets greeting the citizens, especially the kids. 98% of Paris population affirms they feel safer when he is around and the top comments out of the negative 2% response highlights fear for a possible akuma victim around. However, most of Paris is now used to see him when there are no akuma attacks and his presence statistically has decreased the occurrence of minor crimes, as robbery, creating a safer environment for everyone.

In addition to that, Chat Noir is part of multiple charities and—"

"My Lady, stop!" He said, embarrased, for the zillion time that evening.

"No, this article is really good and I need to make sure you read it" she said, eyes back in the yo-yo screen.

"I will read it when I get home, don't worry, you don't need to do it outloud" he tried, again, to stop her without succeed.

"But I enjoy so much when people say nice things about you and you are recognized for all the good job and nice things you do, going beyond your scope for our city—"

"My Lady! Please, stop" he said, hiding his face with both hands.

"Never! I will drown you in sweet and lovely comments all night. There's already more than 2k comments about you in the comment section. People is uploading photos they took with you! And we are still half way the article anyway!"

"If I would have guess this is why you wanted to meet today I would have skipped it."

"We both know that's not true. You'd come anyway because you love me too much" she said, with a playful smile.

"That is not fair. I can't fight that logic" he pout.

She hugged him. "Look, I don't know what is going on in your personal life lately. But I feel like you are... different. Not as happy as you used to be. And I can't do much to help you, because we can't know who we are. But what I can do is to get every opportunity I can to tell you how much I and the rest of Paris admire you and love you and—"

"Wait, wait. Did you just say you love moi, My Lady?"

She got separated from him as fast as a blink. "Don't take it neccesarily the romantic way. I love you the way you love your friends" she said, avoiding his eyes.

He grinned. "Tell me more about how much you love me, I'm all ears"

"You know what, this is suddenly a bad idea. You are right, you can read it at home" she said, faking indifference.

"No, please My Lady, please keep reading it to me"

"You know the kitty eyes don't work on me" she said, as a big liar. His kitty eyes are harder to resist than Manon's.

"Are you suuure?" He said, making his eyes bigger, if that was even possible.

She sighed, "Fine, but quit the interruptions. I'm getting to the best part. Come here"

Chat laid his head in Ladybug's lap and with her free hand she started to stroke his hair, he closed his eyes enjoying the moment and her voice "In addition to that, Chat Noir is part of multiple charities and have been the face of multiple campaigns for fundraising, donating his time and—"

========================

author's note: I watched sentibubbler today. i am not ok. I need more happy LadyNoir content in the world. im not prepare for the drama ahead of us, guys. I'll dedicate this month to write comfort LadyNoir content haha. i want someone to hug chat so so so soooo bad.

Voluptas Noctis Aeternae {Part 3.7}

*Severus Snape x OC*

Summary: It is the year 1983 when the ordinary life of Robin Mitchell takes a drastic turn: she is accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Despite the struggles of being a muggle-born in Slytherin, she soon discovers her passion for Potions, and even manages the impossible: gaining the favor of Severus Snape. Throughout the years, Robin finds that the not quite so ordinary Potions Professor goes from being a brooding stranger to being more than she had ever deemed possible. An ally, a mentor, a friend... and eventually, the person she loves the most. Through adventure, prophecies and the little struggles of daily life in a castle full of mysteries, Robin chooses a path for herself, an unlikely friendship blossoms into something more, and two people abandoned by the world can finally find a home.

General warnings: professor x student (however no underage romance), blood, violence, trauma, neglectful families, bullying, cursing

Words: 5.7k

Read Part 1.1 here! All Parts can be found on the Masterlist!

______________________________

Neither of them said a word, not even for wishing the other a happy new year, nor however did they make any move to leave. Eventually the noise made way for the silence again, and they were still sitting in their respective archways. Somehow Robin didn't want to be the first to go, even though she was starting to feel cold. But cold was usual, and comfortable was rare. A true feeling of comfort, at least. Especially now that Snape didn't come to the classroom in the evenings anymore. Robin frowned to herself upon the thought; when had his presence become something she enjoyed so much? For more than just the possibility of learning something, namely as in experiencing actual joy in having him around? She didn't know. It didn't matter. He was the only truly bearable person around, that probably was enough of a reason to appreciate his company.

"Your teeth are chattering." His statement finally brought Robin back to the real world, and she realized with a start that he was right.

"Uh, yeah, well… sorry. I should probably… go back inside." She said and got up, out of the arch, to shake out her frozen limbs. A few seconds later she started towards the dungeons indeed, and after another few he was walking next to her.

"If you have another second of your time to spare, I would like to give something to you." He finally said after a moment of just walking in the same silence they had been sharing for the past hour.

"Uh, certainly…" She replied with a small frown, and seeing as he made no attempt to stop walking towards the dungeons whatsoever, she simply let him lead the way.

"Wait here." He ordered once they reached the door to the laboratory, and Robin complied with the same frown on her face that she's been wearing for the past few minutes. As he disappeared into the room and closed the door behind himself, Robin leaned against the opposite wall and enjoyed the darkness around her. It was funny how she'd never actually used a spell for lighting up the hallways at night, when the candles were unlit, but always had thought that she could see well enough. Many of the Slytherins actually had gotten so used to the darkness of the dungeons that whenever someone used a lumos down here, it was almost always either a first year or someone from another house. That fact just seemed amusing to Robin right then, and she found herself smiling into the darkness even as the door was opened again.

"What, pray tell, is humoring you quite that much?" He asked doubtfully, the very second he seemed to notice Robin's amusement even as he stood next to her in the hallway again.

"Oh, just the darkness, professor…" Robin replied with another smirk, but then turned her entire attention back to him as he handed her a blank but closed envelope.

"Open it in private." He ordered in a pointed statement, but then continued normally. "As it turned out, your suggestion was indeed best fit for the circumstance… however I will not say any more on the issue."

Robin didn't know what he was talking about, but she took the envelope and held onto it for dear life anyway, purely on instinct. She did that with anything that seemed even remotely important to her these days… had done so ever since the incident with her backpack in early October.

"Alright…" Her voice was more of a whisper than a real statement, for no other reason than that she didn't know what to say in the first place, since he had made it clear that he would not give her any further information. Seems like she would just have to open the envelope and see what's inside… her skin crawled at the thought, stuck somewhere between anxiety and excitement.

"Happy new year, Miss Mitchell." He said after a moment of merely looking at her in the darkness, with another unreadable expression that made Robin wonder even more what was in that envelope.

"Happy new year to you too." She replied with a small smile, then both of them headed their ways without another word.

The very moment Robin stepped into her room, having it to herself for the moment just like last year, she lit the fire in the oven and jumped onto her bed after shedding her jackets and shoes in lightning speed. Then she held the envelope in her hands again, heart beating frantically, and finally opened it with the utmost care. The first thing that fell into her hands was a small note, and she went to read it immediately in the hopes to make some sense of this situation at last.

‘Over the course of the last weeks I have taken precautions to ensure that it is not destroyed, but can never be used again. Yet, it would be unwise to keep it in my possession in its entirety, so I am giving half of it to you now, for you are the only one who can know. Keep it safe.’

Slowly Robin was starting to understand what was going on, what all this was about… but once she took the second piece of parchment out of the envelope, there was no doubt. Snape had given her half of their project, instead of destroying it. That's what he'd meant when he'd said her suggestion had been the best choice!!! Bloody hell… He had actually listened to her stupid idea! And now he was giving half of the greatest discovery of the century to her for safekeeping. Robin's lips parted as she stared at the tiny piece of parchment in her hand. It had been shrunken down to the size of little more than a fingernail, the letters not even readable as they floated over the page like a snowstorm. But it was unmistakably the same page they had restored a month ago. Well, half of it at least.

As Robin moved to take off her necklace with the locket on it in order to place the precious piece of parchment inside, she wondered why on earth he would have chosen to give it to her. Out of all the people, there… oh. She was the only person other than him who knew about the potion's existence, and she was the only one who could know in return. That's what he'd meant, and that's why he had given it to her. Admittedly, he also could have kept it to himself, or hidden the parts without having her in the picture at all... But he hadn't. He's had the choice, and he had chosen to give it to her. Robin felt unbelievably proud of that, and stunned beyond words as she tied the locket back around her neck. She would keep it safe, as part of her promise to keep their secret. As a piece of proof that she deserved his trust.

Professor Snape had given her the best Christmas present she had ever received, and somehow, Robin found great delight in the fact that he would deny it to the very end.

_______________

Whenever things went too well for an extended period of time at Hogwarts, Robin had learned to grow suspicious. In this instance, everything between the start of the new year and the beginning of April had been such a period of time. She had indeed been able to join the 'care of magical creatures' class, had spent every night in the potions classroom working on assignments or private studies, sometimes with and sometimes without Professor Snape being present, and not once had she been bothered by any of her peers or teachers. Really, it was highly suspicious. But one single class in the middle of April brought a sudden change to that, be it for the better or –more likely– for the worse.

It was Wednesday afternoon, one of those days when every ounce of concentration was hard to come by, and unfortunately also the time of day for Robin's defense against the dark arts class. The first surprise had come when the students had entered the room to find it cleared of all tables. Instead, right in the middle of the room, there stood a huge chest with a large lock on it. That… was odd.

Robin set her backpack down in the back of the class like they all were instructed to, and couldn't help wondering what Professor Morgan was up to today. He'd been suspiciously indifferent to Robin all year long, and somehow she rather hoped that this wouldn't change now. A few minutes later and the riddle came to an end: they would be getting some practical experience for once! Morgan seemed rather pleased with himself as he explained the task… the chest held a boggart, a creature which transformed into the darkest fears of whoever faced it, and today the class was to learn how to defend themselves against it. Individually.

Robin already couldn't stand the task from the very second it was explained. She had read about boggarts, of course, and she wasn't all too concerned about facing one, but she wasn't all too fond of the idea of everyone in class seeing what she was most afraid of either. The thing was… she had absolutely no idea what she was most afraid of. Sure, there was a huge array of things she was scared of, but she had no idea which one was the worst fear of them all. There literally were a million things that scared her, but not one she wanted anyone to know about.

Professor Morgan did a quick demonstration of how to use the riddikulus spell, while however –so Robin noticed immediately– he refrained from actually facing the boggart himself. Maybe he was too scared of giving his own fears away, or he knew that he might as well fail at even such a simple task; who knew… Then he had the students line up in a long row in front of the chest. Robin tried to stand as far in the back as she could, in the hope that maybe classtime would be over before it was her turn to go against the creature. She really wasn't looking forward to finding out what her worst fear was, especially not at the same time as her classmates and Professor Morgan did.

For a good while, Robin quietly observed what the other kids were scared of… A lot of snakes and spiders, some clowns and scary dolls, but also some more substantial things like murder or disease. The latter were particularly unpleasant to watch, as they gave Robin some serious chills and only furthered the churning of her stomach and the anxiety that she hid under her neutral facade as always. What on earth could be her own worst fear? Loss? Failure? Disappointing people she cared about? She really had no idea, but the more students successfully ridiculed the boggart, the closer she got to finding out.

Time indeed wasn't on her side today, and before long the person in front of her in line had successfully ridiculed the boggart to a dog with a sunflower as a head. Really, what a curious imagination some people had… Robin forced away every ounce of anxiety and wonder as she was up next, and drew her wand as she took on a defensive stance. To hell with this, she'd fought Professor Morgan and the Whomping Willow… there was nobody and nothing that could shock her now. She had rid her mind of fear, and every other emotion that could possibly be used by the boggart, so really, what was there to be scared of?

The sunflower dog looked up at Robin with kind eyes, panting quietly while Robin waited for it to change. A few seconds ticked by, people started whispering, and Robin took a step closer to the boggart. She held its intense gaze and put her entire focus on it, and yet it refused to change… she surely wasn't afraid of a cute little dog with a sunflower head! The whispering behind her grew louder, and Professor Morgan said something to address the class, but Robin's heartbeat drowned it out in her own ears entirely. If the dog didn't change soon, she would just-...

Then, in that moment, it did take on its form at last. The room fell silent but for a few quiet gasps, and Robin's lips parted as she stared at the new form the boggart had taken on… She stared at herself. Her very own eyes, not even an arm's length away, her very own body entirely. A few chuckles in the rows of students behind her, a few new whispers. But Robin only frowned as she stared at herself in confusion. She wasn't afraid of herself! The boggart must be wrong. And yet, when the boggart-Robin took a step towards the real one, the latter took an immediate step backwards in return. There was something in her own eyes that was eerie, something hollow, something ineffably dark. Boggart-Robin drew her wand and pointed it at the real Robin with a wicked smile that left the real Robin breathless, thoughtless even.

"Damn it, Mitchell, react for heaven's sake!" Professor Morgan's angry yell reached her through the thick fog in her mind, and the real Robin lifted her wand as well, in a weakly defiant attempt to fight her… it… this.

But her own eyes simply wouldn't let her go, the dark abyss behind them trapping her like an inescapable prison. She heard herself speaking the spell, but she didn't know which one of her it was that spoke. There wasn't a difference anymore, she was both of them and neither. She was falling into a bottomless abyss. In a last vain attempt to protect herself from her other self by any means, the thing that was her more than itself now, she thought of its lifeless body, splintering, like the mirror she had become, her own one, and tried the spell another time, any spell, anything. But the abysmal nothing had greeted her as one of its own already, and she became part of the darkness within herself. Darkness, but not her own.

… … …

Voices… distant sound. A small murmur of broken speech. More words… more voices.

"You should leave."

"Whatever for?"

"You have no business being here in the first place."

"But you do?"

"She is my student."

"As she is mine…"

"What is it that you did to help, then?"

"Could you two be so kind and discuss this elsewhere?!" A third voice snapped, and Robin felt a sharp pain in her mind as she slowly came to. So the talking hadn't been a dream…

"Bloody hell…" She groaned under her breath in return, and all three voices died down immediately. Her eyes fluttered open, and she once more stared at the ceiling of the infirmary. Oh damnit… not again. At least it was lit by daylight for once.

"Oh, good, she's alive…"

Robin knew that voice, that feigned cheerfulness… She turned her head and blinked for a moment until the figures standing in the aisle between the beds regained some sharpness. Yup, undoubtedly, that comment had come from Professor Morgan. Honestly, Robin had expected nothing less than sarcasm and pretense from him at any point. But… what exactly had gotten her here again? She'd just been in class, and now…

"In that case, I will excuse myself… It is nearly dinnertime." Morgan said in a shallow positivity and Robin saw the blurry figure that was him leaving the scene. Good, he was going away… that could only make things better, really.

"Are you experiencing any sickness or dizziness?" Madam Pomfrey's voice on the other side of the bed drew Robin's attention to her.

"No… I'm just…" Robin moved to reply, distracted by her constantly sharpening vision that now allowed her to see that she'd merely been placed on top of a bed. That could only mean that it hadn't been long! But what had gotten her here in the first place? Oh gosh, that blackness… that boggart, the abyss… How did she feel? Not good, suddenly, not good at all. Panicked, anxious, drained, unsafe. Robin sat up abruptly, her eyes finding the matron at the end of the bed. "I-I'm totally okay, it's absolutely nothing, I'm very good. Just… fainted. A little. Can I go now please?" Her heart was pounding in her chest all too painfully, and she actually felt terrified… but why?

"Any headaches?" The woman asked again, completely ignoring Robin's pleas.

"No! I'm okay!"

"Cramping in any muscles?"

Robin rolled her eyes, and had to forcefully bite down the desperate wish to give in to the flight instinct. "I. Am. Fine." If she let on any of these weird symptoms now, she would never get out of here. For some odd reason, she felt absolutely desperate to leave.

"What is your assessment, professor?" The matron asked with a glance to somewhere off to the side, and as Robin's eyes followed her line of vision, she almost jumped visibly indeed. She knew that the other voice had been familiar as well! But… what was he doing here? Sure, Morgan's presence had somewhat made sense, seeing as Robin had fainted in his class, but Snape? Why was he here?

For a few seconds Robin held his piercing gaze, and with every single one she found herself more and more unable to keep up her neutral facade. The anxiety, the wish to run, it was getting the upper hand. Why did Madam Pomfrey ask for his assessment? What was going on?

"I believe there is nothing that would warrant Miss Mitchell's stay in the hospital wing." He finally replied, and a second later Robin had already jumped off the bed and was getting ready to run without running.

"Thank you, for your… help with… whatever happened to me." She sputtered as she summoned her backpack with a wordless accio, before turning around and making her way out of the room as quickly as dignity would allow. That was rather rude, Robin knew that, but she also couldn't help it.

Once outside of the infirmary, she got no further than to the end of the hallway before a hand on her shoulder stopped her in her haste abruptly. Robin yelped, the surprise causing the tension within her collapse like a card house, and she could barely blink away the tears that welled up in her eyes in return.

"We should go for a walk." Snape said before Robin could apologise for her previous mode of exit, and she found herself merely able to nod. His hand stayed on her shoulder as he led her out of the castle unseen by another and in mutual silence, through hallways and doors Robin didn't even know existed, until at last they arrived under the grey sky that showed the first signs of dusk. Only then he released her from his grasp, and oddly enough Robin immediately missed his hand on her shoulder once it had disappeared.

But she was away from everyone in the castle, outside under the open sky, and that finally allowed her poor heart to calm down bit by bit. For a while they followed a small path, still without a word, and Robin eventually felt like herself again. Almost… content. Especially when they arrived by the shore of the black lake, which really did look like a silver coated blackness now, in the fading light of day.

"You certainly have a talent for getting yourself into trouble." That was the first thing he said after half an hour of silence, and Robin let out a helpless chuckle in return. He was absolutely right, she did have a talent for ending up in some kind of trouble, while yet she never did anything to deserve it. Other than being who she was, that is.

"I apologise, repeatedly and profoundly." She sighed in return. "But I honestly don't even know what it is that I did this time. Or why they had to bother you with it. Or why I felt desperately inclined to get away from the infirmary."

"I can answer the first two questions. The answer to the third however, while I was well aware of the fact from the moment you woke up, shall remain as much a riddle to me as it is to you."

"You knew I had to get out of there?"

"It was hard to miss."

"Is that why you said they could let me go?"

"Yes. And seeing as a change of scenery has indeed seemed to calm your urge to flee, I would say my assessment was correct."

"Thank you…" Robin sighed again, and walked along the shoreline at the exact spot where water met pebble. An odd little quirk she had picked up over time. "So, you said you could answer the first two questions…?"

"How much of what happened do you remember?"

"Well, I know that we were in class with Morgan, ridiculing a boggart all afternoon… he actually did a dreadful job at teaching us how to defeat it, if you ask me… anyway, I remember that when it was my turn to have a try with it, the stupid thing just didn't change for the longest time. Only after a while it did, and then… I believe it changed into myself." Robin paused for a moment as she frowned to herself and dug her hands deeper into her pockets. "Is that even possible? Or did I faint before that and simply dreamt the whole thing?"

"You did not faint." He replied calmly, factually, as he walked next to Robin at a slower pace now to adapt to the conversation. "And neither did you dream."

"Then what happened?"

"To Professor Morgan it appeared that the boggart took on your very own appearance indeed. As far as he can tell, you cast the wrong spell to fight it, which caused you to lose consciousness."

"That sounds like such a vaguely useless description only Morgan would give." Robin groaned in annoyance as she frowned down at the moving waterline next to her shoes. "I may not know what exactly happened, but I'm absolutely certain that it wasn't as easy as that."

"It wasn't."

"Huh?" Her eyes snapped back up to Snape in mild irritation, as she wondered what he meant by that. He hadn't even been there, how would he know?

"Do you seriously believe I would have gotten involved if it was merely for a student fainting over a boggart?"

"Well, no… that's why I was so surprised to see you there when I woke up in the first place." Robin shrugged, but kept looking at him for an answer. "But why did you get involved, professor?"

"My assistance was requested, seeing as nobody else could determine what exactly it was that had happened to you. Based on Morgan's observation, you should merely have fainted, 'like girls occasionally do', as he put it..."

"I most definitely did not!" Robin rolled her eyes, but she was well aware that those were Morgan's words indeed. Snape's dismissive sarcasm was a rather precise indicator of that.

"That is what I told them. The spell you cast affected the boggart as much as it affected yourself, thus the spell's effect is what caused your… surrender to unconsciousness."

"Like a mirror?" Robin wondered before he could go on with his explanation. Yup, she was definitely feeling like herself again if she could succumb to curiosity. "Seeing as it and I… were reflections of each other, that would only make sense."

"Precisely like a mirror, Miss Mitchell." He seemed rather pleased with her conclusion, if the not-smirk was anything to go by. "Maybe they should let you teach Professor Morgan's class, seeing as he did not only fail to come to this conclusion, but also refused to understand it once it was explained to him. There are houseplants with more mental capacity than that man possesses."

Now that was certainly the most direct bashing of the defense against the dark arts teacher Robin had ever heard from Snape, or anyone really, and she couldn't help grinning to herself. It was true, after all… Morgan was an idiot for all she knew.

"Anyhow, my involvement in the issue resulted out of the sole fact that nobody could tell what spell you had cast, seeing as nobody had heard you saying a single word in the first place." Snape continued after a few seconds, clearly trying to pretend that the previous row of insults hadn't happened. Robin did him the favor and went along with it, seeing as the new information she was getting captured her attention anyway.

"But… I heard myself speaking." She frowned at the path ahead as they left the shore behind and grew more and more enclosed by woods now. "I mean, I don't know what spell I used either, actually… I can't recall if the boggart-me attacked me first or if I was the one attacking… It kind of swims together in my head." While that was entirely true, the memory of the hollow darkness in her own eyes still caused her to shiver, and the wicked smile on her lips made her blood freeze.

"It never made an attempt to attack you. You and the boggart stood frozen on the spot for multiple minutes, from what I heard." His reply barely registered in Robin's mind for a moment, but once it did, she didn't understand any of it.

"But… I saw it coming at me! I… I saw myself fighting myself! It grinned and… and raised her… its wand to attack me! Or did I? Gods, this is just complete madness." She groaned to herself and hid her face in her hands for a moment. Why the heck was she her own worst fear?! What was that supposed to mean?

"It is quite complex, I have to admit." He mused, sounding like he was also trying to make sense of it, but still he did not sound even remotely as confused as Robin was.

That's when another one of those lightnings of insight struck her mind, and she looked up at her professor with a start. "How did you know what spell I used if nobody heard me saying it? I mean obviously you must've found out what happened and how to undo it, seeing as I'm fine and taking an evening stroll with you."

For once it was Snape who carefully avoided Robin's eyes as he replied. "Everyone saw how you stared at yourself as if in a trace, and yet nobody understands what happened between you and the boggart. They saw no spell, and they saw nothing to fear. I was asked to look into your mind to make sense of it in order for them to help you." Going by both his tone and expression, he expected Robin to be angry about his violation of her privacy, even if it had only been meant to help her. Wait, did he actually feel concerned about angering her? That was surprisingly considerate… and yet Robin wasn't surprised at all. She knew that he wasn't indifferent to her well-being, he'd proven that often enough.

Admittedly, Robin did feel like her heart dropped into her stomach for a moment, then jumped up into her throat, and finally settled for a fast and steady beat in its rightful place. But she wasn't angry. Not at all, actually. "What… exactly did you see in my mind, professor?"

"You used a peculiar kind of petrifying spell, which I believe would indeed have worked to stun a boggart, under different circumstances. It could be undone fairly quickly with the correct procedure."

"That's… good to know. But it's not what I meant." Robin looked up at him with an expression that hopefully said more than her words did, for she didn't know how to actually put into words what she wanted to know.

"What did you mean, then?"

Robin sighed and rolled her eyes to herself in sheer dread of having to ask, then stopped in her sauntering and turned to face him straight on. "Did you… did you see what happened to me before the spell?"

"Yes."

Robin's eyes widened ever so slightly, and her heart skipped a beat. "Did you understand any of it at all?"

His expression fell into a scowl immediately. "What kind of pathetic question is that?"

"Sorry!!! Sorry… I really didn't intend for it to sound so rude, and it probably came out all wrong in the first place." She apologised immediately, her face a mixture of regret and worry. "It's just…"

"Do go on."

"But it's pathetic indeed." She reasoned with his own words, but when he rolled his eyes and waited for her to go on in feigned annoyance, she complied. Somehow, she didn't mind that he knew about her deepest fear. Not that she's had much of a choice in that, but going by his words, neither had he. Someone's had to go into her mind to help her, and she was glad that it had been him. Maybe, he could help her make sense of it now. "It's just that I myself didn't understand it, sir. I have no idea what the boggart believed to be my deepest fear for it to turn into myself, and even thinking that it was myself I was afraid of leaves me no wiser."

"I merely saw what you saw, Miss Mitchell, and I felt what you felt. That is how it works. I cannot see more than you know, but I can draw my own conclusions out of it."

Now that was news to Robin… Snape had taught her quite a bit about occlumency, but legilimency in return had never been a part of that. If he had seen what she had, then maybe… "So you saw the… eyes?"

"I see your eyes every day, Miss Mitchell, that is hardly new to me."

His statement left her with an odd tingling on her skin that wasn't even all that unpleasant, but she ignored it for now. There were more burning matters. "Do they really look like that?" Once he raised an eyebrow at her in that annoyed, questioning urgency, Robin rolled her eyes against her better judgement and added, "I mean… do they really hold that-"

"Empty darkness?" He prompted, but didn't wait for a reply before answering in return. "No. They don't."

Robin let out a breath she didn't know she was holding, then closed her eyes for a moment in relief and turned away from him towards the lake in the growing distance. It was slowly getting too dark to see that far. Why had it been such an unknown burden to her that she might actually look like the boggart's version of her? Why was it such a relief to know that she didn't, in fact, look that dark, or insane, or empty? Maybe she was her own worst fear indeed… what lay in her mind without her knowing, what she could become if she wasn't careful. But yet, she wasn't like that version of her she had seen. She believed Snape in that. Without taking her eyes off the barely visible shoreline between the trees, she felt the need to address something else she's had on her mind for the last minutes. "I… apologise that my actions put you in a situation where you had to look into my mind without my explicit permission."

"That is an odd thing to apologise for, seeing as it was your thoughts and memories I had to look into. Yet I do not believe that you are at fault for what happened today."

"But neither are you, sir."

As the silence took over once more after Robin's statement had faded into the evening, she turned back to see that Snape was looking at her in return, not with the scowl she had expected but in almost curious consideration. But he did not say a thing.

"Thank you for taking the time to go for a walk with me." Robin finally spoke up again. "I really appreciate that it was you who helped me make sense of this. And to be honest I also doubt that anyone else would even have been able to."

"That makes two of us." Snape replied with a not-smirk that for once was fairly obvious. "There hardly would have been another person who has even a remote understanding of the true complexity of the issue."

"Maybe it's better like that…" Robin sighed, as they started making their way back towards the castle. "I mean… how boring would it have been if my worst fear was anything short of absolutely confusing and ineffable? That would be so… ordinary." She actually heard something like a badly suppressed snort coming from the professor to her right upon her words, and that made her smile.

"Actually, I believe you are inherently incapable of being ordinary." He replied in that perfectly neutral tone again, in absolute seriousness with maybe the tiniest hint of humour shining through, and Robin simply had to laugh brightly in return, while a new wave of tingles ran from her head all the way to her toes. (A curious feeling, really…)

Maybe they could take walks like this more often. It was delightful, entertaining, calming with just the two of them... He'd probably find that rather dreadful, wouldn't he? Robin had no idea.

But right then he looked almost content as he walked up the hill towards the castle, through the impending darkness and comfortable silence, consciously staying next to Robin despite her being slower than he probably fancied.

The afternoon had brought a lot of bad for Robin, with the very likely possibility that she would be severely mocked for the incident, but it had at least led to one of the nicest walks she'd ever gone on, and maybe that might just be worth it. In her mind, it definitely was.

_____________________________

Tags:

@ayamenimthiriel @chibi-lioness @t-sunnyside @alex4555 @beenthroughalot

General Tags:

@its-remy-not-ratatouille @wegingerangelica @dreary-skies-stuff @wiczer @lotus-eyedindiangoddess @theweirdlunatic @caretheunicorn @kthemarsian @lady-of-lies @strawberrysandcream @noplacelikehome77 @theoneanna @mishaandthebrits @i-am-a-mes @nonsensicalobsessions @exygon @hiddles-lobotomy @rjohnson1280 @annwhojumps @spookycatqueen @salempoe @headoverhiddleston @fanfiction-and-stress @createdfromblue @halszka-potter @thecreatiivecorner @themusingsofmany @kinghiddlestonanddixon @scorpionchild81 @crystal-28 @adefectivedetective @lokis-girl-in-mischief @booklover2929 @iamverity @lovesmesomehiddles @akk4rin @whitewolfandthefox @stuckupstucky

Scrapbook 2021 | Pt III

For anyone that’s new to this, this is how I keep track of all of the things I enjoy and/or create throughout the year. I have literally been doing this since I had a livejournal. 

It’s a nice little snippet of my life and helps to organize my brain.

A reminder:

Normal font - Indifferent/Neutral Italicized font - Enjoyed bold font - Loved with an asterisk* - All time favorite (bracketed titles) - Re-watches/Re-reads strikethough - Disliked

Goals are: read 80 books (as of today, i am at 52 books), finish five video games (at four at the moment), write more than 20 fics (at... 12) or something larger than 20k (negative), and write either an original short story or start a novel (i have started plotting for the novel? does that count?)

Past Years

2021 Pt I: January-April 2021 Pt II: May-August

MOVIES

September

Cruella

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings

(Nightmare Before Christmas)

(Don’t Look Under the Bed)

October

Dune

(The Greatest Showman)

Sausage Party

Steel Magnolias

Fear Street: 1666

BOOKS

September

A Psalm for the Wild-Built | Becky Chambers [Fin]

Practical Magic | Alice Hoffman [Fin]

The Witness For the Dead | Katherine Addison

The Witch Boy | Molly Ostertag [Fin]

The Tea Dragon Society | Kay O’Neil [Fin]

Under the Whispering Door | TJ Klune [Fin]

The Tea Dragon Festival | Kay O’Neil [Fin]

The Daughters of Ys | M.T. Anderson [Fin]

The Tea Dragon Tapestry | Kay O’Neil [Fin]

The Last Graduate | Naomi Novak [Fin]

October

Dark Rise | C.S. Pacat [Fin]

The Witness For the Dead | Katherine Addison

A Spindle Splintered | Alix Harrow [Fin]

The Charm Offensive | Alison Cochrun [Fin]

The Wolf and the Woodsman

PODCASTS

September

(Wolf 359)

Mabel

October

N/A

TV SHOWS BY SEASON

September

What If..., s1

Watcher: Puppet History, s4

Buzzfeed Unsolved: True Crime, Final Season

Star Trek Discovery, s3

Star Wars Visions

MDZS, s3

October

What If..., s1

Watcher: Puppet History, s4

Watcher: Are You Scared?

MDZS, s3

Buzzfeed Unsolved: Supernatural, Final Season

Sense & Sensibility

Midnight Mass

Husbento Boxes | Imamu Room

VIDEO GAMES

September

Ori and the Will of the Wisps [Fin]

Pokemon Go

Persona 5 Royal, 192 hours

Pokemon Snap

October

Pokemon Go

Spiritfarer

Pokemon Snap

Animal Crossing

DELIGHTFUL FIC

September

One Thing After Another by SKayLanphear | Miraculous Ladybug | Adrien/Marinette | 103k | Basically, Adrien acts like a cat when he probably shouldn't.

Dissection of a Frightened Creature by denimwrapped | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan & Shane | It's been about a week since a monster ran out of the sea and trampled huge swathes of Los Angeles.

Dreams of Rain by orphan_account | The Mandalorian | Luke/Din | 11k | How could fate make him so lucky, Luke wonders, and so unlucky at the same time. Here is this man, this gentle considerate man who chance has matched him to—and Luke can’t even touch him.

DADT, Damyata, Dayadhvam by trinityofone | Stargate Atlantis | Rodney/John | 8k | He was aware of the controversy surrounding the application of DADT policy to an international expedition—and an international expedition to another galaxy at that—but in the end, it didn’t matter. Everyone got the chip, or they didn’t go.

Four of Swords by etherati | Castlevania | Alucard/Sypha/Trevor | 5k | Trevor doesn't realize, when he first comes home, how badly he'd been missed. He figures it out.\

Between by winterkill | Castlevania | Alucard/Sypha/Trevor | 8k | Greta snorts, “If you care about my comfort, Alucard, tell your friends you’re in love with them. Maybe there’s room for a third in their bed.”

Tastes Like You by airinshaw | The Untamed | Lan Zhan/Wei Wuxian | 30k | Lan Wangji likes his life. It's predictable, unchanging, routine.Then a new neighbour moves in.

Blood Array by giraffeter | The Untamed | Wei Ying/Xue Yang | 16k | “I told you already that there’s not enough of Xiao Xingchen’s spiritual cognition left to bring him back,” he tells Xue Yang flatly. “What exactly are you hoping I’ll be able to accomplish?”

Lusimeles by spqr | Harry Potter | Draco/Harry | 23k | “You’re not special, Potter,” Kingsley informs him, not looking up from his work.

October

Check Raise by avocadomoon | IT | Richie/Eddie | 15k | "I was alone, and now I'm not," Eddie says. "Some prick sat down next to me and started yapping."

turns me to gold in the sunlight by TheMysteriousL | Shadow and Bone | Mal/Alina/Darkling | 50k |  Or that story where Mal is mistaken for the sun summoner, rolls with it to protect Alina, Alina hides in bushes and around corners summoning for Mal to keep the charade going, the Dorkling catches feelings, and Ravka is not prepared for these disaster twins

Teamwork Makes the Dream Work by blacktofade | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Sara/Shane | 2.5k | Sara’s had the date circled on the calendar for a week before Shane notices.

Coconut Skins by blacktofade | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane/Sara | 4.5k |  Shane's night has been planned for over two weeks now in the sense that he parks his car outside his place at exactly six-thirty, there’s a light on in the upstairs bedroom, and the blinds are drawn like there’s someone in there.

could be raining by Lise | The Untamed | Xiao Xingchen/Xue Yang | 3k | Alternately: Xue Yang gets in trouble, considers mortality, and meets Batman, in that order.

to bruise them dearer by typefortydeductions | The Untamed | Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian | WIP | 14k | “Lan Zhan, they won’t be like your little Lans. They’ll — wiggle, and complain, and some of them can’t do handstands at all.”

the red dark shifting by typefortydeductions | The Untamed | Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian | 15k | In the aftermath of the disastrous events on Tarsus IV, Wei Ying is rescued by none other than Lan Zhan, his former Vulcan best friend and now Starfleet Captain.

Mercy by Lise | The Untamed | Xiao Xingchen/Xue Yang | 3k | Xiao Xingchen realizes who he's been living with in Yi City. He knows what he has to do.

Complimentary by blacktofade | Watcher | Ryan/Shane | 2k | Prompt: shyan + feminization! (your choice who)

might like you better (if we slept together) by iodhadh | The Untamed | Xiao Xingchen/Xue Yang/Song Lan | 1.5k | Xue Yang has been fucking Xiao Xingchen for two months when Xingchen suggests he meet his boyfriend. Considering Xue Yang thought they were having an affair, this comes as something of a surprise.

invisible strings by Wildehack (tyleet) | The Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System | Shen Yuan/Shang Qinghua | 7k | Mission: What If? Fated Lovers On Another Planet has successfully been activated!

On Making a Legit Human Baby and Other Stories by Siria | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Shane/Ryan | 14k | "Oh, sure," Shane had said, rolling his eyes, "that weirdass Geocities-looking site with the giant blocks of Latin text that you ran through Google Translate is going to help you sprout an entire internal organ."

In The House Of My Father by entanglednow | Good Omens | Aziraphale/Crowley | 12k | Aziraphale is hurried from his church in the middle of the night to do a service for Lord Gabriel. But the task he is given will test everything he believes.

(home sweet) no sweet home by Lise | The Untamed | Song Lan/Xiao Xingchen/Xue Yang | 6k | Battered, bruised, and more than a little fucked up, Xue Yang deals with it as usual: going into hiding to lick his wounds for a while.

the blood in your mouth by Lise | The Untamed | Xiao Xingchen/Xue Yang/Song Lan | 15k | Song Lan spirits Xiao Xingchen and a-Qing out of Yi City without fighting Xue Yang.

all that's left of two hearts on fire by Lirelyn | The Untamed |  Xiao Xingchen/Xue Yang/Song Lan | 7k | Xiao Xingchen has two unexpected roommates.

an ocean that goes with your eyes by newredshoes | The Untamed | Song Lan/Xiao Xingchen/Xue Yang | 11k | Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen bring home the dragon egg they find over winter break. That's their first mistake.

Restoration by Zaatar | The Untamed | Song Lan/Xiao Xingchen/Xue Yang | 10k | Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen were reborn into each other's bodies. Song Lan is only looking for one of them.

raw silk and uncut wood by hisevilforest | The Untamed |  Song Lan/Xiao Xingchen/Xue Yang | 43k | Xue Yang depends on the yin iron. When Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen take it from him, they'll have to deal with the consequences.

Full Disclosure by cirilien | The Untamed | Song Lan/Xiao Xingchen/Xue Yang | 20k | “That’s the best part,” Xue Yang says, gleeful again. “You’re my boyfriend for the weekend.”

Easy Things, Hard Things by beethechange | Ryan/Shane | 10k | “You’re wearing makeup?”

scarcely can speak for my thinking by cirilien | The Untamed | Lan Xichen/Nie Mingjue | 8k | Lan Xichen is overwhelmed, Wei Wuxian desperately wants to know what's going on, and Nie Huaisang has a plan that will probably work.

my world split open by typefortydeductions | The Untamed | Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian | 3k | Lan Zhan is sad, and has decided to get into dragons about it.

all the better to bite you with by blacktofade | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 6k | While trying to find the Flatwoods Monster in West Virginia, Ryan and Shane wake up in a forest and realize that the Flatwoods Monster has found them.

most times a wish by impossibletruths | The Untamed | Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian | 16k |  Turns out the HR department may have had a point when they said don't bring your work home with you, and not just in the metaphorical sense. In his defense, it's not like he was trying to get anyone cursed.

perfect union by Yuu_chi | Venom | Venom/Eddie | 6k | Learning to live with the alien inside of you is one thing - learning how thin your barriers are between living and loving is another thing entirely.

full blown love by andrewraynes (mllevangogh) | The Adventure Zone | Magnus/Taako | 26k | Lup dies. Taako has nightmares. Magnus stays awake with him.

gently into morning by Lirelyn | Word of Honor | Wen Kexing/Zhou Zishu | 5k |  “You can go on, if you want,” he said when Zhou Zishu stopped for breath. “Scold and punish me for seven years, then I will scold you for the next seven, and then we’ll have to find something else to do.”

all I find is you by daltoneering | The Untamed | Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian | 10k | Wei Wuxian has been on the road for months, without a conscious end goal in sight. He isn’t expecting to find what he was looking for in a fully-booked-out inn in the back of beyond.

i've waited much and far too long by ghoultown | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 7k | (or, ryan confesses his love for shane in a video call and, from that moment on, they're constantly calling each other)

lying with my darkest thought by LuckyDiceKirby | Word of Honor | Wen Kexing/Zhou Zishu | 6k |  He couldn’t find anything in Wen Kexing’s body that should be keeping him from waking; it stood to reason that it was his mind that was the problem.

Open Promises by manic_intent | Word of Honor | Wen Kexing/Zhou Zishu | 5k |  Sometimes, whenever an enterprising Qianyuan backed Zhou Zishu into a corner, he kept himself calm by counting the number of ways he could get away with castrating the offending Qianyuan on behalf of all other Kunze.

Landslide by spqr | Marvel | Peter/Tony | 8k | Peter jumps into the quantum realm with his heart in his throat. He steps out in 2018, on the edge of a lake he still has nightmares about.

caeca est by incendir | MDZS | Xue Yang/Song Lan/Xiao Xingchen | 18k |  Xue Yang doesn’t want to fall asleep like this.

New and Used Boos by beethechange | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 36k |  Ryan Bergara, star of Source of Fortune, the titular duke in Duke of Payback—rumored to be in the conversation for the lead in the Mission Impossible reboot, which Shane can’t even talk about, he’s so excited—is in Shane’s poky little bookshop, flipping through a book called Haunt Him, Honey: Ten Steps to Achieving a Spiteful Afterlife.

living in my memory/living in my mouth by tardigradeschool | The Untamed | Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian | 33k | Wei Wuxian dies at twenty-two and doesn’t come back. Lan Wangji dies in an “unfortunate accident” in a temple in Yunping at thirty-seven. The world moves on.

Danse Macabre by varelsen | Castlevania | Alucard/Trevor/ | 10k | Trevor and Alucard are forced to share a room. Alucard gets thirsty.

Nightblind by galateaGalvanized | Castlevania | Alucard/Trevor/Sypha | 5k | "He's thirsty," Trevor says, and both Sypha and Alucard look at him in shock. "That's it, isn't it? Last time you took a nap, you had those great vats of blood behind your coffin to keep you alive. This time you had only dust and straw."

Leave Me, Darling by saturnalyia | The Untamed | Song Lan/Xiao Xingchen/Xue Yang | 16k | Xiao Xingchen’s attempt to give Song Lan his eyes fails, leaving them both blind.

Existence is Chaos by blacktofade | Loki | Loki/Mobius | 10k | There's a recorded memory of them having sex, but Mobius refuses to admit that he and Loki have a sex tape. AKA the one where Mobius and Loki are destined to hook up.

Busy Doing the Devil’s Work by blacktofade | Buzzfeed Unsolved |Ryan/Shane/Sara | 16k | Inception AU: Ryan's not in the dream-share business anymore, but that doesn't stop Shane and Sara from calling in a favor.

DELIGHTFUL FANVIDS

September

Marvel || Panda

thunderous [Mo Dao Zu Shi]

Loki | Beggin'

To DUNE | Denis Villeneuve

Sherlock || Dancing With The Devil

Spider-Man | Multiverse

Wanda & Vision || You were what i wanted

Wanda Maximoff || See What I've Become

MARVEL || Run It

The darkness behind you.

Spider-Man

Loki Series || 3 (Sylkius | Sylvie/Loki/Mobius)

Christine and Stephen Strange || Loving You Is a Losing Game

Star Wars | Kylo Ren

Arthur Morgan | REDEMPTION

Viva La Vida

SATURN | Loki and Sylvie

loki & mobius | someone good [+1x04]

[MDZS animatic] Make It Right

Wen Kexing || Glass Heart

Marvel || White Rabbit

MONTERO (Call Me By Your Name) ft.@Lil Nas X

October

The Mandalorian | Promise

The Mandalorian

(Marvel) Avengers | Last Chance

Doctor Strange || Sacrifice (What If...?)

my relationship to eternity.

Khan || Animal

Multifandom || Believer

Guardians of the Multi-Verse || What If...? (Marvel)

Sabrina Spellman || Survivor

Thor & Loki - i hate u, i love u [ Thorki ]

Thor + Loki - Take Me To Church

Thor & Loki | Can't Pretend

(Marvel) Tony Stark | You can rest now

Wen Kexing νs Xie Wang ~Animals 

Persona 5 Royal AMV - Pretty Little Psycho

akechi & joker | what's up danger

shuake | 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭

🃏Persona 5 AMV = Over When It's Over🃏

break my heart | akeshu

Paul Atreides || Legends Never Die

Castlevania AMV - Warriors

Castlevania -Legends Never Die AMV

Dracula - Vengeance [ASMV]

Way Down We Go - Trevor Belmont {AMV}

「AMV」Castlevania - Believer

Castlevania [AMV] - When I Ruled The World

Castlevania Season 3 Trevor AMV - Old Town Road

Castlevania [AMV] - Tears Wont Stop

Castlevania AMV Forsaken

DELIGHTFUL MUSIC

September

China Girl - David Bowie

On s’aimera toujours - coeur de pirate

t’es belle - coeur de pirate

rue des etoiles - gregoire

Everything Is Color - Juniper Vale

Snowbird - Ellaharp

Anthemoessa - Krispy DeRato

That’s What I Want - Lil Nas X

Life After Salem - Lil Nas X

Am I Dreaming - Lil Nas X, Miley Cyrus

Thunderous - Stray Kids

Rime Soundtrack

Writing Playlist

Dance Monkey - Tones and I

Moral of the Story - Ashe

Waving Through a Window - Ben Platt

Trampoline - Shaed

Leave Before You Love Me - Marshmello

I Need You - LeAnn Rimes

Your Ex-Lover Is Dead - Stars

Run It - DJ Snake

In the Stone - The Goon Sax

Good Girls - CHVRCHES

Ori, Embracing the Light - Gareth Coker

Arcade - Duncan Laurence

The Village Bride - Star Wars: Visions

Glass Heart - Tommee Profitt

October

Born Yesterday - Arca, Sia

Power - Isak Danielson

Put It On Me - Matt Maeson

Wolf - Skott

STFD - TeZATalks

Soolaimon - Neil Diamond

Holly Holy - Neil Diamond

transparent soul - willow

you were my lantern - plastic patina

nice and easy - american authors

trampoline - shaed & zayn

ramble on (atlas remix) - led zeppelin

monsters - all time low

POSTED FIC

September

Curtain Call | Loki | Loki/Mobius/Sylvie | 4,824 words | Loki turns towards Mobius, one eyebrow raised. “Were you planning on just sitting there?”

October

you taste just right, sweet like honey | The Untamed | Xiao Xingchen/Song Lan/Xue Yang | 1,885 words | “And?” Xiao Xingchen asks, eyes dark and sparkling. “What do you want this mouth to do?”

all for us | The Grishaverse | The Darkling/Mal/Alina | 1,842 words | But in her dreams, she is still the sun summoner. In her dreams, she is still made of light.

they long to be (close to you) | Labyrinth | Jareth/Sarah | 1,209 words | “You’ve made me your creature,” Sarah Williams tells him when he comes to her, her lips twisted into a sneer. 

who's the first to burn? | What If | Loki/Thor | 3,907 words |  “We frost giants are shapeshifters by nature,” Loki murmurs, reaching out and wrapping his arms around Thor’s neck.

vampires will never hurt you | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane/Sara | 2,292 words |  “I suppose that you’re going to tell me that you’re a ghost,” Shane says, his voice dry as kindling.

o'valley of plenty | The Witcher | Geralt/Jaskier | 1,169 words | “This is not your grave, sir,” Jaskier calls from his spot draped fetchingly across his gravestone.

all things devour | The Untamed | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | 2,898 words | “I will not hurt you,” Lan Zhan tells Wei Ying. “They cannot make me.”

hope you gird about your waist | Loki | Loki/Sylvie/Mobius | 14,706 words |  “Strike at me with this dagger,” the creature tells them, producing a blade from the folds of its cloak.

both unsettled, nighttime creatures | Loki | Loki/Mobius | 1,281 words | “Well,” a voice says, “you’ve sure got yourself into a pickle.”

may its splendor never fade | Loki | Loki/Mobius/Sylvie | 3,581 words |  Mobius is lurking near the finger foods when he spots her from across the room.

day shall provide | Loki | Loki/Mobius/Sylvie | 3,708 words |  “No one would question you visiting his house to see your sister,” Sylvie says, her legs crossed beneath her, but Loki cannot think about that—he’s still stuck on the part where she’s known, all along.

your ex-lover is dead | Persona 5 | Akechi/Akira | 2,651 words | “What do you mean, touch him?” Akechi whispers, his lips gone white.

let him be soft | Teen Wolf | Derek/Shane | 3,018 words |  “This is a really bad idea,” he tells the goat as lightning flickers across the sky.

trick or treat | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 1,629 words |  “Are you scared yet?” Ryan stage-whispers when Bigfoot attacks a rock concert about thirty minutes into the movie.

WIPS | UNPUBLISHED | ORIGINAL

September

10k of Green Knight AU

1.5k of hair dye shenanigans

October

10k of Green Knight AU

FANMIXES/GRAPHICS

September

N/A

October

Spooky Writing Playlist # 9

Tuesday 16 September 1834

Very good one last night. fine but hazy morning F57° at 8 35 am - at my desk at 8 ½ - kind letter to M- glad she had found out by means over which I had no control that ‘I had even written less often to those who are perpetually heaping upon me kindness after kindness, and whose very situation in life makes them supposed to be the1st objects  of my consideration’ –........ if ‘not more heart, I had more common sense than to value the things of this world according to the scale which has been laid down for me – Had you believe me often, and known me better, it would have saved us both much pain  - But if heaven has willed it otherwise, let us not complain – the final ruler of events is wiser than we - I am deeply sensible of all your affection, but from the moment of your having deliberately told me your determination and the leading arguments which gave rise to it, my chief endeavour was to be convinced and reconciled - Mary! You trusted me too little for happiness - Remember this, and be comforted – cheer up- trust me, you have much to hope – much more than you seem aware – the prospect will [be] brighter by - by I have never failing consolation in the thought, that you will be happier in others, than you could have been in me -  Confidence was too much shaken on both sides - Mary! The last blow on mine, was too severe - Be comforted – be assured, that you have acted wisely for us both – violent changes are generally irksome to all parties at 1st, but, remembering what I myself have suffered, I do not easily despair for any one - I do not feel inclined to say much on the subject of our meeting – the reflections to which it would give rise, could only be painful - Do as you think best’ - Hope ‘her niece’ will exceed her all her expectations - ‘I can easily enter into your motive for calling her Percy’ – pleased at the thought of her going to the Rhine next year – only anxious about her choice of a companion - mention Geneva as a fine town ‘having many literary and economic advantages’ – that a family of 2 or 3 might live in affluence at Rolle for £250 a year – date my latter ½ page 3, Monday 15 September and say it shall go at last night, the herald of the small parcel (stays, 6 laces, pair of earrings from Geneva and book, Coxes’ picture of Italy edition of 1815 too old – barrowed when last at Lawton December 1833) to be sent off by me of today’s mails - ‘I found my aunt much the same as I left her, and Mr Sunderland told me, he thought her general health quite as good – but she is uncertain – this season of the year, or rather later, has generally tired her very much, and I fear, if she gets over the winter at all, it will be very indifferently – she suffers a great deal, yet her cheerfulness does not forsake her – she desires me to give her love, and say how glad she shall be to hear you are better - The 30 shillings for Thomas Beech’s great coat are paid, and I will place this sum to your account - If you do not feel quite sure of my understanding all your wishes about money matters, tell me more particularly what you would have me do - God bless you, my dearest Mary! Ever very especially yours. A. L.’ nice enough letter to Lady S- will consider about the fourgon ‘when I am more able to fix upon my next line of route’ - ‘I am perfectly astonished that I had your letter 12 days ago, and that I had been at home a fortnight on Saturday - I know not how the time has slipped away - I have been so busy about my law-concern, etc the days have seemed like moments, and I have scarce been out of the house - yet I have often thought of you, and wondered how you would settle all those disagreeableness I was so grieved to hear of...... mention letter from Vere - shall go and see her one of these days - at present can make no plans - ‘my poor aunt suffers a martyrdom; yet still she lives, and may live for several months - it is a great comfort to me to see her so pleased at my having got a little friend to take care of me in my travels - I hope you will tell Miss Tate - but, dearest Lady Stuart, it was what you said that I have never forgotten, and it is you that I shall always think of, and thank with all my heart - wrote this morning under the seal ‘I do hope to hear from you soon, if it be only one line to tell me you are better, and have settled things more comfortable than you expected - Do  not trouble yourself one instant about a frank - I shall be delighted to see a Norfolk postmark - I shall trouble Lord Stuart with a note to Lady Stuart de R- and a little note to dear Charlotte about the parcel from Paris - Ever, dearest Lady Stuart, very truly and affectionately yours A. Lister’ - general account of my journey to Lady Stuart de R- hoped for some common in Paris - perhaps she doubted my abilities - could not doubt how happy I should have been to do my best - ‘I had a little friend with me whose good care soon set me above Mr. Freeman’s medicines; and we had some delightful wanderings among the Savoy mountains - I do confess that my ‘bowels yearned’ towards Mt. Blanc; but he was a little surly; and the 2 Savoy and avocats who attempted his summit, and said, tho’ unbelieved by any, they reached it, were glad enough to get down again - they had no regular guides, only ½ a dozen peasants, two of whom had made the ascent before - and, had they been a few hours, would probably have been lost - we made what is called the grand tour of Mt. Blanc’ ......... crossed the great and little St. Bernard......... we had no gollis-work - the little Inns very fairly comfortable ‘except one in the village de Ferret where there were only 2 bedrooms for the widow and her 8 children, one man servant and 2 guides, our 2 selves, and 2 sick infants the poor woman had taken to muse, tout compris, at 6 francs each per month - we returned by the Savoy lakes and Chamberi - saw the pass of the Echelles, and the grande Chartreuse - spent 2 or 3 days at Lyons - tho’ many of the houses damaged or destroyed in April are already repaired or rebuilt, there are still too many traces of the émente - Several opulent manufactories have left the town, and set up their establishments elsewhere - there are 3 large ones just completed at Voiron now communicated with Echelles by a fine new road of 3 postes - there are several new roads finished and in progress - that by St. Etienne, opened 2 years ago (missing Lyons) saves 3 days journey to Marseilles’ - 2 or 3 days at St. Etienne and 2 or 3 at Clermont - ‘the view from the Puy de Dome is one of the most interesting and extraordinary I have ever seen - a vast assemble of cones of extinct volcanoes - a vast coulee (sea) of lava - but the heat was so excessive in walking up, and the air so cold at the top, I only staid about ½ an hour - Do tell the girls, they never saw such a dirty figure as I was on coming out of the fine silver mines (opened 2 or 3 years ago) near Pont de Gibaud - But the coal-mine of Firminy, near St. Etienne, astonished me most - it is exactly like a commons tone quarry (open to the day, and worked in the same way) but the rock is coal of excellent quality - it is only 3 years that is has been worked in this way, and is the only coal-mine known of the kind - the miners at the silver mine were chiefly Germans - Be the government what it may, I never saw so great an appearance of improvement and prosperity in the country - the écoles des mines have done an infinity of good to the mining interests of the country’ - dined with Lady CL- and the Berrys - and was delighted with my visit - all were in good spirits, and were very agreeable and kind - I had never seen so much of Lady Charlotte’ (Lindsay) ‘who says things so nicely, and whose manners are so interesting, she made quite an impression upon me - Miss Berry is really wonderful - thank you very much for giving me their address - I was quite glad to improve so nice an acquaintance - unexpected pleasure to see Lord Stuart - ‘what an enviable tour in Norway! I wish a [I] knew a little more about it - If I live, I mean to go there one of these days - my aunt, as to general health, is much the same as when I left her - but she suffers a martyrdom from rheumatic pains, and her medical men fear she cannot long survive the winter - I enclose a little note for Charlotte - Believe me, dear Lady Stuart, always very truly yours A. Lister’ - then wrote on ¼ sheet the following ‘Shibden Hall - Monday 15 October [September] 1834 - my dear Charlotte - I send you a very little note, the herald of a very little parcel, which Miss Berry was so good as promise to bring from Paris -  I told Lady Stuart, it was for you - I always thought of giving you some small remembrance on your entrée into the great world - I wished it to be something useful, and only hope I have chosen well, and that you will like the watch for its own sake, and for mine - I hope you are all enjoying yourself, and looking quite rosy and well at Highcliffe - I should not know it again - if you still hunt for fossils, and care as much as ever for the collection, you can fancy how disappointed I was to find, on reaching here, that all my fine specimens from the Auvergne silver-mines, and many others that were packed in the carriage tool-box, were lost in London, throw away as lumber I suppose, by the coachmakers’ men, who thought anti attrition better worth - I often thought of you among the high alps of Savoy, and wished you were with me - what sketching for Louisa! give my love to her - I shall always feel very much interested for you both, and believe me, my dear Charlotte, your very sincere and affectionate friend A. Lister - my kind remembrances to Miss Hyriott’ - went down to breakfast at 11 ¼ and sent off the letter by George  my letter to ‘Mrs. Lawton the Reverend M. Miller’s Scarborough’ - breakfast – Mr Parker sent the lease of ‘Lidgit’ to Mr Lampleugh Wickham Hird for A- to read over – she read it aloud to me – the game reserved as in my leases – only allowed to have 7 DW under plough – penalty £10 per DW –not to cut or prune timber – 34 DW not to underlet except with written leave – Rent £100, terms 10 years -Asleep ½ hour – at my desk at 1 5 wrote my note to C. Stuart and at 2 ½ had written so far of today, and had folded and sealed up in envelope my note - 4 pages of ½ sheet to ‘The Lady Stuart de Rothesay’ enclosing in the same my note to ‘the honourable Miss Stuart’ and enclosed these and my note to ‘the Honourable Lady Stuart Whitehall’ under cover to ‘Lord Stuart de Rothesay 3 Carlton house terrace London’ - sent the above letters at 7 pm by George - A- and I out at 2 ¾ to Brearley hill to meet Holt about getting water for John Bottomley and about sinking pit to enable me to look after Mr. Rawson - getting the water will cost about £16 to £20 sinking and driving at 3/. to 3/6 per yard - about 100 yards - ordered this job to be advertised next week for letting as also the pit sinking - H- thinks the pit will cost about 40/. per yard sinking about 100 yards deep to the lower bed - saw the place near the upper gateway just above Conery wood in the Park farm well field - with a small fire engine might get coal there for many years - easily roaded along the foot of Bairstow, out just below Whiskum cottage into the new bank to Halifax - pit to be oblong 8ft. x 5.4 .:. about not quite said SW. tonight 5sq. yards stuff will come out at each yard depth of sinking - 5x100 = 500 yards of stuff carting down to the foot of the wall opposite the house = about £20 - the water of dirt band (36 yards band) and fourscore yards band to be gathered up in sinking and turned the conery clough separately or not to the house - H- said the coal would sell at 8d at the pit’s mouth - and no turnpike to Hx would make a penny a load difference - R- sells at 9 1/2d in the town - we should sell at 9d - would average 5 ½ corves or loads per square yard - 20 loads or one score would sell for 13/4 at the pits mouth -

From Brearley hill A- met me at Whiskum cottage – thence down the old bank to Halifax to the Bowling foundry for fine-grates for north parlour north chamber and tent room – then to Miss Hebden’s – good account of Charlotte Booth – then to Whitley’s – brought home volume 3 8vo Lyell’s Geology and Busby’s Journal  among the vineyards of Spain and Portugal  - and pamphlet by  John Travers on the Tea duties – then to Throp’s about acorns and settling Bairstow with them – home up the old bank at 6 55 – dinner at 6 – coffee – had Washington – nothing to be made of Mrs Machin about the sale of her 11 DW of coal – but W- told me he would call again on Saturday – A- and I sat talking and reading the newspaper George brought back this evening – with my aunt from 9 ¾ to 10 ¾ - wrote all but the 3 first lines of this page till 11 ½ pm at which hour F59 ½° in my study - very fine day - note from Mr. Wilkinson Heath to say the front pew in the north gallery nearest to the west gallery is at liberty rent 1 guinea a year.

J&H/Tam Lin crossover or How To Steal A Fae’s Boyfriend

(A/N: Due to popular demand, I have given into the temptation of writing a crossover of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with a well-known Scottish folk tale. And it’s a modern AU, because I can. So here you go, I hope you like it! :D

tw: sexual coersion and abuse. Also, Utterson is a trans guy and I probably didn’t get that right)

Gabriel had heard the stories, of course he had.

Of course he had heard the warning, that he shouldn't go there without bringing a cloak or ring as a token, lest something entirely else would be taken from him.

But being a young man in the 21st century, he had thought it was just old folk tales.

Who the hell took a green cloak or a ring to a forest, just for the purpose of leaving it there?

And so he had thought nothing of it, when he had gone into the woods of Carterhaugh without bringing either.

It was his property, after all. His family had acquired the surrounding lands and given the woods to him.

So here he was, walking through the woods with nothing but a book, a pocketknife (you never knew) and his smartphone, when he saw something odd: a saddled white steed was grassing at a well, generally minding her own business. But where was her owner?

Hesitantly, he stepped closer to the horse.

She wasn't disturbed by his presence and stood completely still, when he gently petted her and examined the saddle and bridal. Such a magnificent creature.

But the saddle and bridal looked so elaborate and fancy, they couldn't be from anywhere nearby. Actually, he had never seen anything like it.

Strange, he thought and decided to walk further into the woods. Perhaps he could find the person the steed belonged to.

But when he looked around, it was already dusk.

Huh. Had he really been here for that long?

He changed his mind and turned to go home.

After walking for a few minutes, he stumbled over a path where wild roses grew.

That wasn't here before …

Normally Gabriel wasn't the rose type of guy.

But never before had he seen anything like this. They were so ineffably beautiful, bright and radiant, that he had to take a closer look.

One particularly caught his eye; a white double-headed rose.

This one would be beautiful in my home, he thought, pulled out his pocketknife and carefully cut it off the bush.

But before he could tug it into his jacket, someone cleared their throat behind him.

He gasped in shock and whirled around.

There stood an otherworldly handsome young man dressed in green.

He was tall, well-built, broad-shouldered, had wheat blond hair and chocolate brown eyes. His skin was paler than his own, but not too much, just that perfect, healthy and rosy complexion.

The young man was frowning.

“What are you doing here in Carterhaugh?”, he asked in the most gorgeous voice Gabriel had ever heard. “Why do you cut off the roses? Haven't you heard the stories?”

The black-haired man could only blush and stutter.

After a while, the blond seemed to grow impatient. “Can you articulate yourself, please? I would like an explanation as to why you strolled in here like you own the place.”

Now Gabriel finally pulled himself together.

“Actually, I do own the place. My parents bought the land and gave the woods to me”, he informed the other man calmly. “And therefore, I don't see why I should need your permission to be here.”

The handsome stranger shrugged indifferently. “Really now. Well, I regret to inform you, that this is my realm and the laws of this world mean little to me. Now, did you know the story or no?”

“You mean the story of Tam Lin? Yes, but I assumed that, if they were true, he would be straight. And I'm not a girl.”

The blond shook his head and laughed (the loveliest laugh Gabriel had ever heard, but that wasn't the point): “As you can see, I'm very real. And I don't care about what your sex is.”

This was just surreal.

He was talking to a folk tale character, who turned out to be – waaaaaiiiitaminute!

“Okay, hold it! Just to make this clear: I just stepped into a magical forest, you're Tam Lin and because I didn't bring a ring or a green cloak – whatever you need them for – I won't get out of here, before you get something else from me?!”

“Pretty much.”

Normally, the black-haired man would've thought this was just a sick joke.

But the person in front of him obviously wasn't of this world. The entire forest wasn't normal and the roses definitely weren't. It was so plain that even a sceptic like him had to acknowledge it. So in other words, he was trapped in some kind of magical forest with someone who wouldn't let him go, unless-

The stranger, seeming to sense his discomfort, spoke up, “Listen, Gabriel John Utterson-”

He knows my name?!

“-how about you give me your smartphone instead? Then you come back tomorrow with a ring or cloak to get it back? I believe, that you thought it was just old tales, but this is still a faerie forest. I can't let you go without a tribute of some kind. And the phone is the second most precious thing you have, after your innocence.”

“How do you know about smartphones anyway?”

The blond shrugged. “You'd be surprised at how up to date the Fae are. Makes it easier for them to mess with humans these days.”

“Oh, okay. And I really can't get out of here without leaving anything?”

“Well, you can try, but this forest is enchanted, so you'd just keep running in circles.”

Gabriel thought for a moment.

It was nice of the ghost/elf/faerie/whatever he was to try and accommodate him.

But there was something about that guy that awakened something in him.

“You know what? Screw it. Off with your clothes, you virginity-stealing creep! Chop-chop, I don't have all night!”

“W-wait, what?!”

“You heard me!”, he snapped and began to undress. “Now hurry up. I'm a gay, frustrated 23-years-old, you're hot and I don't like the folks around here!”

“Okay, this is unexpected. No one has ever actually-”

“Well, it's about time then, isn't it?”, Gabriel snapped and threw away his shirt, “Now what part of 'I don't have all night' did you not understand? I'm a lawyer, I have to go to work early tomorrow!”

Tam Lin – or whatever that man's name was – chuckled and began to take off his own clothes.

“Why, if I didn't know better, I'd think you came here because of the legend.”

“If I had known that this forest actually was haunted by a sexy ghost, I would have!”

Tam Lin snorted: “You wouldn't be the first. But …”

Gabriel felt his cheeks heat up, when the blond's chocolate brown eyes wandered up and down his body. And he felt a little uncomfortable, when they lingered on the chest binder he was still wearing.

“You're the loveliest person I've ever met.”

“R-really? So you don't mind that I'm-?”

“Did I call you by your dead name?”, the blond replied and shook his head. “No. If you identify as a man, you're a man. Whether your biology corresponds with that or not doesn't matter.”

Gabriel felt a lump in his throat and swallowed it.

“This is fine”, he whispered hoarsely, took off the binder and lay down.

“Certainly is”, Tam Lin agreed and followed.

Gabriel shuddered, when the other let his hands wander over his tanned skin.

“You really are quite handsome”, the blond murmured.

The black-haired man smiled and dared to steal a kiss.

…

“Wow”, Gabriel breathed, when they were done and getting dressed. “This was wonderful! If that's what I get for coming here without a token, I should do it more often. Uhm …” he blushed awkwardly. “… You wouldn't mind, right?”

“I …” To his surprise Tam Lin also blushed. “I would love to see you again”, he admitted quietly and took his hand.

…

When Gabriel went home, he felt like he was walking on air.

Never in his life had he been so happy and he wondered, if this could be love.

Later, as he lay in bed and the flowers were in vases, he thought about what had happened today.

He fell asleep smiling and remembering what the elven knight had said, when they had parted.

“You're the only rose that still grows fairer after being plucked.”

How theatrical …

…

When he returned to the enchanted glen, Tam Lin was waiting for him.

After spending an hour of passion, they sat beside each other at the well and talked, while the white steed was grassing nearby.

He went home with another bouquet of flowers and feeling just as blissful as the first time.

In the following weeks, he continued to see the mysterious blond.

He found himself falling for him more and more.

But then things became problematic.

First off, Tam Lin listened with interest, when Gabriel talked about himself. But he became oddly cagey, when the black-haired man asked him to talk about himself too.

Why was the blond so secretive?

Worse, his father and grandmother had noticed that something was up and now they wouldn't leave him alone about who “the lucky guy” was. But how was he supposed to tell them that he was sleeping with a mysterious elf from a haunted forest? Not to mention, when he knew next to nothing about him? 

What was their relationship status anyway? Were they dating? Or was he just a fling to the other man?

Damn, he didn't like how uncertain everything was!

And to add insult to injury, he hadn't thought about using contraceptive measures and guess what, he was pregnant! How could he have been so careless?! Now he was carrying a child he wasn't ready for!

He cursed his own stupidity and desperately hoped, that no one would find out.

…

Of course he wasn't that lucky.

It was Sunday, 31st October, when his father found out.

To Mr. Utterson's credit, he didn't freak out as much as Gabriel had feared. Instead he just took a deep breath and demanded to know who was responsible for this.

That made Gabriel really angry. “The only one who's responsible for this baby is me! Oh, and my boyfriend who lives in the woods.”

“What?!”

After an argument, he persuaded his father not to press charges.

(“I'm going to call a lawyer!” - “Dad, I am that lawyer!” - “Oh. Right.”)

But now he was upset and needed to be somewhere else. So he ran back to Carterhaugh and somehow ended up in the enchanted glen, as usual. There he crawled behind a rose bush and cried.

This was just too much.

He was a pregnant man, who wasn't prepared to care for a child, the entire situation was just so muddled and he didn't know what to do!

Although … there was an emergency exit, he suddenly realised.

He had been sleeping with Tam Lin for about two months, so he could be no further on than that.

It wasn't too late for a safe abortion …

“Wait, please.”

He jumped, when Tam Lin appeared before him.

“Gabriel”, the blond said gently and crouched down before him, “I know that you're desperate and overwhelmed, but please consider; it's my child just as much as it's yours.”

“You can say that so easily”, he sobbed, “You're not the one carrying the baby! You could just as well run off and pretend that you never knocked up some unfortunate human, while I'd be stuck with a child I wasn't ready for! You can go off to faerie land and do whatever elves or faeries do, but I can't work as a lawyer and take care of a baby all by myself! And what will I say, when they ask me who the father is? That it's some elf bloke from an enchanted forest, who will never be with me, because I'm just some insignificant human, who will grow old and die?!”

The blond looked beyond hurt. “Is that what you think of me?”, he asked in disbelief, “Do you really think that I would be so heartless and irresponsible?!”

“I don't know!”, Gabriel wailed. “I don't know anything about you! Not even your real name! You can't convince me that Tam Lin is actually your name! I'm pregnant and the father is a man I know nothing about, because he never bothered to tell me anything about himself!”

Tam Lin was silent for a while. But he looked so sad, that the black-haired man almost regretted snapping at him. Almost. Gabriel was in the right and they both knew it.

“You're right”, the blond finally sighed. “I should have been more open. But I chose to be a coward instead and kept my mouth shut, because I feared that you would be disgusted and want nothing more to do with me.”

Gabriel stared at him. “What gave you that idea?”

The blond sat down next to him. “You will understand, once I have told you my story.

First you need to know that I'm not actually an elf or faerie, like you thought. I'm human like you. I'm not even the first Tam Lin to haunt these woods. Although that should be clear, because the legend is older than I.

My real name is – was – Henry Jekyll. I was a medical student and my lifestyle was … well, not exactly proper. When my parents found out that I had slept with both men and women, they threw me out. I needed a while to find a steady place to live and it happened to be the farm you live on now. Then WWI happened, I was sent off to France and returned to Scotland as a shell shocked* war veteran.

One year after the war ended, I was taking a stroll through the woods and decided, that climbing that oak over there would be a good idea (don't ask). And wouldn't you know it, I fell off and right into the arms of the Queen of the Fae, who took me to the kingdom under the hill, where the Fae live. He (and yes, the Queen is a he) made me his consort and named me after the real Tam Lin, to loosen my ties to the human world. Do you see the ring on my finger? It's a magical chain. As long as I belong to him, it won't come off.

You know, Gabriel, most people have a completely wrong image of faeries. They're not like those cute tiny pixies from children's books. Even the more benevolent Fae are dangerous and the ones I live with aren't benevolent. They are Unseelies**, mischievous at best and outright evil at worst. They assault humans and make them suffer for their entertainment. And if they like one, they steal them away and keep them as slaves for all eternity. Mostly children, because they're purer and easier to lure.”

“But the Queen of the Fae is one of the nicer ones, right?”, Gabriel asked hopefully.

Tam Lin – no, Henry Jekyll – stared at him.

Then he broke into a horrible cackle: “One of the nicer ones?! Him! I've been there for a century and I never met a faerie worse than him! He has hundreds of child slaves and abuses them to his heart's content – that is, if he had a heart! One day we went on a walk and there was a big puddle. Of course he didn't want to get his robes dirty. And do you know what he did?! He ordered a 9-year-old boy to lay down and make a bridge, and then he just walked over him! And he was going to do it again, when we went back on the same path. But I lay down and had him walk over me instead. Then I called him out and he would have struck me, if the Queen Dowager hadn't stepped in. She's one of the less malevolent Unseelies and the only one he respects.”

Gabriel gasped in horror. “That's awful”, he whispered. “Oh my god!”

Henry sighed and continued: “Yeah. Well, I guess he was somewhat impressed, because he stopped with the child trampling altogether. The upside is that I can use my privileges to try to be a good influence on him. I try my best to be kind to him, because … well, there must be a reason why he is like that. But he never lets me forget that I'm just a toy to him. And do you know what the sickest part of this is? I like it. The way he smirks at me, talks to me, touches me, makes me melt like butter. When I share his bed, he bites me, scratches me, bruises me and whispers hurtful things into my ear and I can't get enough of it.

At first I thought that he had bewitched me. But when I confronted him, he laughed and said that it wasn't necessary, I'm just that corrupted. I didn't want to believe it, but the Fae don't lie, not even the evil ones. That's their one redeeming quality.”

Gabriel felt his heart ache and touched the other's cheek. “I'm sure, it's not true”, he tried to comfort him, “He just said that to hurt you. I've seen that kind of people, they know how to take away people's sense of self-worth.”

Henry just lowered his head. “It doesn't matter. After being there for a hundred years, I'm starting to forget who I was. The Queen Dowager told me that I can be saved, as long as I preserve my humanity by remembering who I am. But there are so many things I want to forget and the more faerie-like I become, the more power the Queen holds over me.

Anyway, I had come to terms with spending eternity as his slave. But then I found out, that the Fae have some sort of obligation. Every seven years on Halloween, they pay a tithe to hell. Of course they won't sacrifice one of their own, if they have humans to use instead. This year I'll be the sacrifice. When I found out, I didn't even care, because hell can't be much worse than my life so far. But then … then I met you.”

The blond smiled at him so tenderly, that he felt his heart flutter and his stomach went fuzzy (and not from nausea).

“I've never met someone like you before. You walked into my life and it was as if the sun was rising for me. Suddenly I had someone waiting for me here and something to look forward to. You made me feel warm, at peace and most of all … you made me feel loved.”

His smile faded. “That's why I was afraid of telling you the truth. That the man you have slept with – the father of your child – is the whore of a psychopathic Fae Queen and will be sacrificed to hell tonight. Can you still look me in the eyes and say that you're not disgusted?”

Gabriel cupped his face and looked him dead in the eyes.

“I'm not disgusted. Why would I be? No one deserves this kind of life. And how could I not want to have anything to do with you? I never knew that I needed someone else in my life, until I met you. You make me happier than I've ever been. What you just told me changes nothing about this. Actually, it just makes me want you more. I will keep our child, but only if I can have you too. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, make you feel happy, safe and loved. I love you, Henry Jekyll.”

He was surprised at how easily those words came out of his mouth.

But it was the honest truth.

Henry stared at him. Then he burst into tears and hugged him tightly.

…

“We have to figure something out quickly”, Gabriel spoke up, when they both had calmed down enough. “You will not be sacrificed to hell tonight! There must be a way to prevent this!”

The blond thought for a moment. “Hmm … now that I think about it, there is a way for you to win me.”

Gabriel's sky blue eyes filled with determination. “Tell me.”

“Alright”, Henry said seriously, “Listen closely …”

…

After a short trip home, he had come back to wait for the faerie procession.

Now he was hidden between the bushes, wearing a green coat he had borrowed from his father.

He was incredibly tense.

When was it finally midnight?

Couldn't the procession show up already?

Well, at least it wasn't raining.

At last green lights appeared at the end of the path and grew bigger.

The procession had arrived.

Finally!

He crept behind a bush and got into position.

Figures came into view.

In the front a small, dark-haired faerie with a crown, riding a black horse.

The next was a yellow-haired faerie on a brown horse.

But he ignored them and concentrated on the man riding the white steed.

Without a moment's hesitation, he grabbed him by the arm and yanked him out of the saddle.

The two riders before him whirled around, when Henry yelped in shock.

When the dark-haired faerie saw, that Gabriel was holding the blond in his arms, he screeched in outrage: “HOW DARE YOU TAKE WHAT'S MINE!!!”

And promptly transformed the man in Gabriel's arms into a lizard.

Then a snake.

Then a bear.

Then a lion.

But all the while Gabriel remembered what Henry had told him:

“As I'm the father of your child, there will be no way for me to harm you. So whatever they turn me into, don't let go. You have nothing to fear.”

So he didn't let go, not even when the Queen of the Fae turned his lover into a chunk of red-hot iron. It was only when the Queen turned him into a blazing flame, that he promptly dumped him into a conveniently located well nearby.

Now Henry emerged from the water as himself, but naked and now obviously a normal human. Gabriel quickly bundled him up in his coat and hugged him protectively. The blond stuck out his hands and tested, if he could take the ring off. It slipped from his finger effortlessly.

The Queen, seeing that he held no more power over him, shrieked in fury and … wait, was that anguish?

But then the yellow-haired faerie with the ice-blue eyes – probably the Queen Dowager – put a hand on his shoulder from behind and said something in a language Gabriel didn't understand.

The dark-haired faerie took a deep breath and composed himself. Then he smiled grotesquely.

“Congratulations!”, he purred sardonically and his glowing acid green eyes were full of hatred. “You caught yourself one stately groom! Curse you, Gabriel John Utterson! May you suffer a horrible death! My fairest companion, taken away by a mere mortal man in a girl's body! And you!”, he turned to Henry, “If I had seen this night coming, I would have turned your eyeballs into wood!”

Henry glared at him and responded by throwing the ring at him.

The Queen of the Fae caught it and stared at the blond. For a second, his hateful, angry grimace slipped and Gabriel caught sight of something that looked suspiciously like grief.

The dark-haired faerie gave off one last terrible shriek and glared at the black-haired man.

“This is your fault! But do enjoy dealing with his issues and the bastard he put in you and think of me, when you gaze into his lovely brown eyes!”

Gabriel tightened his protective hug and snarled: “With all due respect, your Majesty, you're an arsehole and you brought this upon yourself! You abducted Henry and coerced him into becoming your sex slave, he owes you nothing!!!”

The Queen responded with a “Tsk!”, then turned his back on them and returned to continue the procession.

It was only after the figures were out of sight, that the two men relaxed.

Henry took the other's hand and kissed each finger. “My hero. My saviour. I am yours.”

Gabriel grinned. “Let's go home, you damsel in distress. It's cold and you're still wet and half naked. The next months will be busy. We're going to be parents and you'll need legal papers.”

“I know – wait, did you just call me a damsel in distress?!”

---

*shell shock - an old word for PTSD, used esp. for the war traumata of WWI soldiers

**Unseelie - “Unhallowed/Unholy”, a Northern/Middle English word for dark, malevolent faeries

4. SPEAK NOW

As the years pass by, indifferent of her music and some fans have thought that this song is particularly about that dreamed boy that you have loved your entire life, who now is getting married with his dreamed girl. Actually, I have a strong belief that Taylor didn’t have this in mind when she first wrote this song. In reality, the message behind it, it could be that you have to speak now, you don’t have to hold back the words that you want to say; and I agree with her on this. Nowadays, with the new technologies and social media, we tend to be very insecure, not only with ourselves, but with the words that we use and say in every situation of our lives. You don’t have to be insecure or doubtful of your own words, because that’s what you think about a certain topic, it doesn’t matter somebody else’s opinion of you and your ideas. Because you are unique, we all are unique in our own way, and we see things differently. We all have our different side of the story, and that’s okay. If not, we wouldn’t be called human beings, would us? Alright, with that said, I’m going to start with the first verses. She starts the song describing sarcastically the bride’s family and how the ceremony is taking place. This whole part may refer to those situations that arise in our life, which we don’t like at all, but we have to go with it anyways. And let’s be real, we all have been in those moments. Then, at the chorus she sings what she hopes she says when the wedding is coming to an end. She wishes to have the opportunity to be able to tell the guy everything she feels and thinks about him. In fact, the lyrics of the chorus are what she is imaging to say to him: “Don’t say yes, run away now I’ll meet you when you’re out Of the church at the back door Don’t wait or say a single vow You need to hear me out” And they said, “speak now”

She keeps herself complaining about the celebration, and stays on a really hard critic about the whole situation, a good example of this, is: “Fond gestures are exchanged And the organ starts to play A song that sounds like a death march And I am hiding in the curtains It seems I was uninvited by your lovely bride-to-be She floats down the aisle like a pageant queen But I know you wish it was me You wish it was me, don’t you?”

In addition, she explains the meaning behind this song on the prologue of the album. Here is what she said about it:

“’Speak now or forever hold your peace,’ the words said by preachers at the end of wedding ceremonies all over the world, right before the vows. It’s a last chance for protest, a moment that makes everyone’s heart race, and a moment I’ve always been strangely fascinated by. So many fantasize about bursting into a church, saying what they’d kept inside for years like in the movies. In real life, it rarely happens.

Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial, in fact, the most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I’ve begun to fear more than that is letting the moment pass without saying anything. I think most of us fear reaching the end of our life, and looking back regretting the moments we didn’t speak up. When we didn’t say ‘I love you.’ When we should’ve said 'I’m sorry.’ When we didn’t stand up for ourselves or someone who needed help.

These songs are made up of words I didn’t say when the moment was right in front of me. These songs are open letters. Each is written with a specific person in mind, telling them what I meant to tell them in person. To the beautiful boy whose heart I broke in December. To my first love who I never thought would be my first heartbreak. To my band. To a mean man I used to be afraid of. To someone who made my world very dark for a while. To a girl who stole something of mine. To someone I forgive for what he said in front of the whole world.

Words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together. I hope you use yours for good, because the only words you’ll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone.

What you say might be too much for some people. Maybe it will come out all wrong and you’ll stutter and you’ll walk away embarrassed, wincing as you play it all back in your head. But I think the words you stop yourself from saying are the ones that will haunt you the longest.

So say it to them. Or say it to yourself in the mirror. Say it in a letter you’ll never send or in a book millions might read someday. I think you deserve to look back on your life without a chorus of resounding voices saying ‘I could’ve, but it’s too late now.’

There is a time for silence. There is a time waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you’ll know it.

I don’t think you should wait. I think you should speak now.

Love, Taylor

PS: To all the boys who inspired this album, you should’ve known. ;)”

Well, this song is still rumored to be about Hayley Williams attending the wedding of Josh Farro, a former member of the band Paramore and Hayley’s ex-boyfriend. They even took an epic photo together, which is on the Internet till today.

Favortite lyric: “Horrified looks from everyone in the room, but I’m only lookin’ at you”. She puts all of her attention on him even if she has everyone’s attention. And that means a lot. Album: Speak Now, released on October 25, 2010.

Written by: Taylor Swift

Hidden message: You always regret what you don’t say.

Pictures: Taylor performing “Speak Now” at the Speak Now World Tour in 2011. Taylor and Hayley Williams with Josh Farro’s wife. 

17th June >> (@ZenitEnglish By Virginia Forrester) #Pope Francis #PopeFrancis Visit to the Earthquake Areas of Archdiocese of Camerino-San Severino Marche. Full Text of Homily at Mass, Greeting to Emergency Housing Residents, and Dialogue with First Communion Children.

Pope Francis on June 16, 2019, visited the areas of the Archdiocese of Camerino-San-Severino Marche struck by earthquakes three years ago.

Here is a translation of the Homily the Pope gave in the course of the Holy Mass in Piazza Cavour, the greeting to the residents of the emergency housing facilities and his dialogue with the First Communion children.

* * *

The Holy Father’s Homily

“What is man that Thou art mindful of him?”, we prayed in the Psalm (8-4). These words came to my mind thinking of you. In the face of what you saw and suffered, in the face of collapsed houses and buildings reduced to rubble, this question comes: “What is man? What is he, if what he raises can collapse in a moment? What is he, if his hope can end in dust?  What is man? The answer seems to come from the continuation of the phrase: What is man that Thou art mindful of him? Of us, just as we are, with our fragilities, God remembers <us>. In the uncertainty that we perceive outside and inside, the Lord gives us a certainty: He remembers us. He ri-corda, namely, turns with His heart to us, because He cares about us. And while down here too many things are forgotten in haste, God doesn’t leave us in oblivion. No one is contemptible in His eyes; each one has an infinite value for Him: we are small under the sky and impotent when the earthquakes, but for God, we are more precious than anything.

Memory is a key-word for life. Let us ask for the grace to remember every day that we are not forgotten by God, that we are His beloved children, unique and irreplaceable: to remember it gives us the strength not to give up in face of life’s adversities. We remember how valuable we are, in face of the temptation to be saddened and of continuing to dig up that worse thing, which seems to have no end. Bad memories come, even when we don’t think about them; however, they pay badly: they leave only melancholy and nostalgia. But, how difficult it is to free oneself from bad memories! That saying is true, according to which it was easier for God to have Israel come out of Egypt than Egypt to come out out the heart of Israel.

To free the heart from the past that returns, from negative memories that keep us prisoners from regrets that paralyze us, it’s useful if someone helps us to bear the weight we have inside. In fact, Jesus says to us today that we “are not capable of bearing the weight” of so many things (Cf. John 16:12). And what does He do in the face of our weakness? He doesn’t take the weight away, as we would like, who are always in search of speedy and superficial solutions; no, the Lord gives us the Holy Spirit.  We have need of Him because He is the Consoler, namely, He who doesn’t leave us alone under the weights of life. He it is who transforms our slavish memory into a free memory, the wounds of the past into memories of salvation.  He does in us what He did for Jesus: His sores, those awful wounds, hollowed out by evil, by the power of the Holy Spirit became channels of mercy, luminous wounds in which the love of God shines, a love that raises, that makes one get up again. The Holy Spirit does this when we invite Him in our wounds. He anoints the awful memories with the balm of hope because the Holy Spirit is the rebuilder of hope.

Hope. What kind of hope is it? It’s not a passing hope. Earthly hopes are fleeting; they always have the expiry date; they are made of earthly ingredients, which sooner or later go bad.  That of the Spirit is a hope of long life; it doesn’t expire, because it’s based on God’s faithfulness. The hope of the Spirit is not even optimism. It’s born more in profundity; it rekindles in the depth of the heart the certainty of being precious because we are loved. It infuses the trust of not being alone. It’s a hope that leaves peace and joy inside, regardless of what happens outside. It’s a hope that has strong roots, which no storm in life can uproot It’s a hope, says Saint Paul today, that “doesn’t disappoint” (Romans 5:5) — hope doesn’t disappoint! –, which gives the strength to overcome every tribulation (Cf. vv. 2-3).  When we are troubled or wounded —  and you know well what it is to be troubled, wounded –, we are led to “make a nest” around our sadness and our fears. Instead, the Spirit frees us from our nests; He makes us take flight, He reveals the wonderful destiny for which we are born. The Spirit nourishes us with living hope. Let us invite him. Let us ask Him to come into us and He will make Himself close. Come, Consoler Spirit! Come and give us some light, gives us the meaning of this tragedy, give us the hope that doesn’t disappoint. Come, Holy Spirit!

Closeness is the third and last word that I would like to share with you. Today we celebrate the Most Holy Trinity. The Trinity isn’t a theological puzzle, but the splendid mystery of God’s closeness. The Trinity tells us that we don’t have a solitary God up there in Heaven — distant and indifferent, no. He is a Father who has given us His Son, who made Himself man like us, and to make Himself even closer, to helps us bear the weights of life, sends us His own Spirit. He, who is Spirit, comes to our spirit and thus consoles us from inside; He brings us deep down the tenderness of God.  With God, the weights of life don’t stay on our shoulders: the Spirit, whom we name every time we make the sign of the cross precisely when we touch the shoulders, He comes to give us strength, to encourage us, to support the weights. In fact, He is a specialist in resurrecting, in uplifting, in reconstructing. More strength is needed to repair than to construct, to begin again than to initiate, to be reconciled than to be in agreement. This is the strength that God gives us. Therefore, one who draws close to God doesn’t fall, goes forward: begins again, tries again, reconstructs. He suffers but is able to begin again, to try again, to rebuild.

Dear brothers and sisters, I came today simply to be close to you; I’m here to pray with you to God who remembers us so that no one forgets one who is in difficulty. I pray to the God of hope so that what is unstable on earth will not make one vacillate about the certainty we have within.  I pray to “the Close God, to arouse concrete gestures of proximity.  Almost three years have passed and the risk is that, after the first emotive and media involvement, attention drops and the promises end in oblivion., increasing the frustration of one who sees the territory increasingly depopulated. Instead, the Lord drives us to remember, to repair, to rebuild and to do so together, without ever forgetting those that suffer.

What is man that Thou art mindful of him? God who remembers us; God who heals our wounded memories anointing them with hope; God who is close to us to uplift us from within, may this God help us to be builders of goodness, consolers of hearts. Each one can do some good, without waiting for others to begin. “I begin, I begin, I begin”: each one should say this. Each one can console someone, without expecting his problems to be solved.  Also carrying my cross, I try to get close to console others. What is man? He is your great dream, Lord, whom you always remember. Man is your great dream, Lord, whom you always remember. It’s not easy to understand it in these circumstances, Lord. Men forget us; they don’t remember this tragedy. But you, Lord, don’t forget. Man is your great dream, Lord, whom you always remember. Lord, make us also remember that we are in the world to give hope and closeness because we are your children, “God of all comfort” (2 Corinthians 1:3).

[Original text: Italian]  [ZENIT’s translation by Virginia M. Forrester]

The Holy Father’s Greeting to the Residents of the Emergency Housing Facilities

Good morning!

Good morning to you all. I would have liked to visit all the houses, every house . . . but it’s not possible; therefore, I greet you from here and give the Blessing to you all. I am close to each one of you. I am close. And I pray for you so that this situation is resolved as soon as possible. Thank you for your patience and for your courage. You, pray for me. Now I’ll go down to greet you.

[Original text: Italian]  [ZENIT’s translation by Virginia M. Forrester]

The Holy Father’s Dialogue with the First Communion Children

A boy:

Holy Father, I address you with emotion because I know you are able to listen. My name is Giovanni, I’m 10 and this year I will make my First Communion. I came back to live in Camerino after having spent a whole year at San Benedetto del Tronto, because on the evening of October 26, 2016, there was an earthquake that, in addition to many damages, caused the collapse of the bell tower of the church of Santa Maria in Via, where I and my sister Giulia were baptized. Since that day, our city is no longer the same: the houses are still ruined and one can only enter with a protective helmet and with the assistance of firemen.

Our habits have changed, the citizens’ faces are sad and many people find themselves in other Municipalities. Sometimes, even a small sudden movement makes us very scared again, however, we also pick up much courage. Over the centuries our city has had several earthquakes, some devastating, so much so that the coat of arms of Camerino depicts three houses, the only ones that remained standing.

On May 18, our Bishop Francesco Massara explained to us that San Venanzio is even called “the Saint of the falls,” of which he was always saved and, on that occasion, it was announced that the Basilica of San Venanzio will be restructured in December and returned to the faithful. It’s an important sign of recovery. It pleases me to think that, with the help of your prayers, Camerino will always rise again from every fall and that our Patron will have it under control, protecting all its inhabitants.

Pope Francis:

Good evening!

A question: are you tired?

[They answer]

No!

Pope Francis:

Do you feel hot

[They answer]

Yes!

Pope Francis:

You are tired . . .

[They answer]

Yes . . . No . . .

Pope Francis:

I thank you so much for having waited for me. Thank you! Thank you.

Have you eaten?

[They answer]

Yes!

Pope Francis:

Yes? Good. It’s important to eat, to grow . . .

There is something that s the earthquake, something that Giovanni said, that makes one think: when things fall, should we let them stay that way? Fallen?

[They answer]

No . . .

Pope Francis:

Louder!

[They answer]

No!

Pope Francis:

We must raise them up again. And when a person falls, because he makes mistakes in life, must we leave him fallen for life?

[They answer]

No!

Pope Francis:

We must help him get up again. And when we — this is a difficult question, let’s see if one of you is able to answer –, when in life we make an awful mistake, a sin, and we fall, what must we do?

[They answer]

Go to Confession.

Pope Francis:

Get up again! But isn’t it better to stay on the ground?

[They answer]

No!

Pope Francis:

Isn’t it more comfortable?

[They answer]

No!

Pope Francis:

Always get up again?

[They answer]

Yes!

Pope Francis:

Always?

[They answer]

Yes!

Pope Francis:

And if you fall a second time?

[They answer]

You get up again!

Pope Francis:

And if you fall a third <time>?

[They answer]

You get up again!

Pope Francis:

And if you fall a tenth <time>?

[They answer]

You get up again!

Pope Francis:

And if you fall a fiftieth <time>?

[They answer]

You get up again!

Pope Francis:

Always! However, I think: a person that falls, falls, falls . . . Perhaps Jesus gets annoyed with the person? . . . Does Jesus get annoyed with us?

[They answer]

No!

Pope Francis:

No, but if one falls so many times, does Jesus get annoyed?

[They answer]

No!

Pope Francis:

No. What does Jesus do when we fall?

[They answer]

He helps us to get up again.

Pope Francis:

How does Jesus help us? He gives you His hand to get up again. He pulls you up. He pulls you up: Jesus pulls you up. Always [have] this memory in life. He will always help you. When I am down, I have fallen so many times. I don’t know, think that Jesus always stretches out His hand. Why? To help . . . ? To raise us up again. Jesus raises us up, understood?

[They answer, softly]

Yes . . .

Pope Francis:

Ah . . . It seems you’re not convinced. Does Jesus raise us up again?

[They answer]

Yes!

Pope Francis:

Always?

[They answer]

Yes!

Pope Francis:

And does Jesus get angry with us?

[They answer]

No!

Pope Francis:

He is good . . . He always waits for us! Jesus is merciful. This is a difficult word, no?  What is mercy? It’s this love that Jesus has for us. Have you understood?

[They answer]

Yes!

Pope Francis:

Then, all are standing!

[They answer]

Yes!

Pope Francis:

Now I would like to give you the blessing, but if you’re tired, I’ll go . . .

[They answer]

No!

Pope Francis:

I give you the blessing, now. But let us all pray to Our Lady because Our Lady is the Mother of Jesus and also our Mother and She also helps us to get up again.

Hail Mary . . .

[Blessing]

Pope Francis:

And . . . how was the thing? When one falls, must he stay fallen? . . .

[They answer]

No!

Pope Francis:

Are you sure?

[They answer]

Yes!

Pope Francis:

And who will help us to get up again?

[They answer]

Jesus!

Pope Francis:

See, always courage! Look at Jesus and He will always help us. Courage. Pray for me and continue to play. Goodbye!

[Original text: Italian]  [ZENIT’s translation by Virginia M. Forrester]

© Libreria Editrice Vatican

17th JUNE 2019 16:31

FRANCIS

COMMUNION IN THE HAND Mother Teresa Speaks: The Worst Problem In The World Today Mother Teresa of Calcutta Comments by Fr. George William Rutler during a Good Friday, 1989 sermon at St. Agnes Church, New York City, New York:  “I will tell you a secret, since we have just a thousand close friends together, and also because we have the Missionaries of Charity with us, whom the Holy Spirit has sent into the world [so] that the secrets of many hearts might be revealed.   Not very long ago, I said Mass and preached for their Mother, Mother Teresa of Calcutta, and after breakfast we spent quite a long time talking in a little room.  Suddenly, I found myself asking her (I don’t know why):   ‘Mother, what do you think is the worst problem in the world today?’ ”  “She, more than anyone, could name any number of candidates:  famine, plague, disease, the breakdown of the family, rebellion against God, the corruption of the media, world debt, nuclear threat, and so on.  Without pausing a second, she said:  ‘Wherever I go in the whole world, the thing that makes me the saddest is watching people receive Communion in the hand.’ ” Messages to Rosa Lopez from Our Lord Jesus Christ and Our Loving Mother about Communion in the Hand 1995-2000   January 19, 1995.  Our Loving Mother said:  “I state clearly:  Do not take Communion in sin, Confess first.  Do not take My Beloved’s Body in your hands." May 22, 1995.  Our Lord said:  “My dear child, My little one, I am your Heavenly Father...When I instituted the Supper, I gave My disciples the Sacred Host.  At that moment, I founded the Church with My Body and My Blood.  I was the First Priest, the First Bishop, the First Pope.  I gave My Body, which was given up for you, into their hands.  Take note:  I gave It to them in their hands, and they, in turn, passed It among all.  I ask you, who gave the Divine Host?  My disciples?  No, I, First in Everything.  They were My first servants [priests], servants of God Made Man, Supreme in All, for ever and ever.  Who should administer [Communion] in the Church I formed with My Body and My Blood?  The priests, and if the parishioners are many, another priest or nun should administer the Sacred Host.  That is why I send you My Mother, Mother of the Church and man, to unite My servants and My brothers in the New Covenant, so that in one, true Communion in the Holy Spirit, you repent of offending God with negative attitudes towards My Body....Those who spread My Word will be greatly blessed.  Amen.” June 25, 1995.  Our Loving Mother said:  “Condemned are those who receive the Bread of the Eucharist as if they took a piece of bread in a restaurant or in their homes or at any breakfast.  Those who take the Body of My Well Beloved without any respect are imitating the malignant one, as they offend the Body of Jesus in this way...All who do not bow with respect before the King of Kings, the Savior and Giver of Life, the Lamb of God, the Divine Teacher, the Son of God Made Man, Who was Immolated for all of you, are hypocrites, deniers of the Truth that encloses that Divine Gift...the sacred Host.  No, My little ones, you do not realize what an extreme sin it is that you are committing.  Every time you take into your hands the Body of Jesus, you are Scourging My Beloved  Son, Jesus once again.  Why do you do it, My little ones?  Why do you do it?  My Beloved calls you in the Eucharist to a total conversion, but do it with love, reverence and humility, with true respect for the One Who loves you and exhorts you to receive Communion with devotion and joy.” July 1995 (No date).  Our Lord said:  “Write from Malachi, who was one of the minor prophets, the last one of those who fought against the profanation of the priests of those times...:  Chapter 2, Verses 1-2:  ‘And now, O priests, this commandment is for you:  If you do not listen,  And if you do not lay it to heart, to give glory to my name, says the Lord of hosts;  I will send a curse upon you and of your blessing I will make a curse.  Yes, I have already cursed it because you do not lay it to heart.’  Chapter 1, Verses 6-7:  ‘A son honors his father, and a servant fears his master;  If then I am a father, where is the honor due to me?  And if I am a master, where is the reverence due to me?  So says the Lord of hosts to you, O priests, who despise his name.  But you ask, “How have we despised your name?”  By offering polluted food on my altar!’  This, My little one, is prayer that fits these times, and do you know why?  Because today, when the priest make the offering on the altar of the Lord, at that moment, the Body of the Well Beloved is present in the Most Holy Sacrament of the Altar.  But what happens when that priest offers It to My little ones?  All the Dignity and Sacrifice of the Son of God is profaned and offended at the altar at the same moment that His Beloved Body is given in the hands of the parishioners.  At the same time, with their hands dirty from the sins of the world, dirty from the dust of the streets and sweat, It is touched and It is vituperated by those who should, at all moments, Honor and Glorify the Lord, the Lamb of God, Who takes Away the Sins of the World...” February 4, 1996.  Our Loving Mother said:  “My child, do not be afraid to drill the Word of Jesus into the hearts of My children, the little ones who believe that by taking the Sacred Eucharist in their hands irreverently, they are not committing any sin.  I, your Loving Mother, ask those little ones, ‘Don’t you know that for a priest to begin to consecrate the Sacred Host, he must purify his body and soul for seven years and allow the Holy Spirit, with His Consuming Fire, to fill his heart with love of Jesus and to fill it with His Light, so that same Light may illuminate all those who Confess and receive Communion in perfect harmony with God?  Before the Well Beloved, My dear child, all knees will bend and all heads will bow...The Love of Jesus, dearest child, is Infinite, but His Pain is also Infinite when He sees that man has lost all respect and reverence before His Body and Blood.  Do not profane, My little ones, that Act of Love, which is the Supper of Jesus.  Do not continue to Crucify Him with indifference and lack of respect.  Remember that if you open your mouths and bend your knees before the Well Beloved, Who Gave It All for love of the world, the priest will not be able to refuse to carry out that act of holiness at that moment.  My little one, help the priests to return to this act of reverence and respect, which is receiving Jesus in Communion.” October 6, 1996.  Our Loving Mother said:  “Man believes that it is a sin to bend his knees before the Body of Jesus, Who is Present in the Sacred Eucharist during Communion and Who should be Revered, because of the Presence of His Body and Blood.  The shepherds who lead the sheep do not believe in that reverence.  [They say that] it’s ‘old-fashioned.’  They say, ‘That time is past.’  They say that it was only done during the time of Jesus and that the pope authorized the taking of Communion in the hand without reverence, without respect...That is what the servants of Jesus and Mary, your Loving Mother, say.” October 25, 1996.  Our Lord said:  “The Pharisees of these times invent their own doctrines and dogmas.  They are Roman and Apostolic, they go to church, they sanctify themselves, receive Communion without Confessing, elevate Hosts with unconsecrated hands and place My Body in [people’s] hands.  After the Wine has been elevated, they don’t kneel; they say it is no longer done...They say It [the Blessed Sacrament] is just a symbol because Christ is alive and that if they place Him on the altar, they offend other Christians.” May 14, 1997.  Our Lord said:  “In Exodus, Moses came down from the mountain to prepare his people to honor God.  He told them to prepare themselves for the next day and not to have any sexual relations.  You see, My little one, how those men had to be clean of body and clothing to give Honor to God and how today, the servants that God left to teach His Word and to fulfill the Law allow women and men who do not have consecrated hands to give the Body and Blood of that Man, Who is God Made Flesh?  They have changed the Law.  That is why the Fury of the Lord will be felt in the form of thunder, lightning, fire and mud, swallowing anything that gets in His Way.” June 9, 1997.  Our Lord said:  “My little one, what is happening in the Church and with the servants I left behind [the priests]?  They have allowed sects of other denominations to enter the Church...They give the Host in the hand, because it is ‘unsanitary’ to give It in the mouth...To them [those of other denominations], Communion is an act of idolatry, because they do not believe that the Body of Jesus and His Blood are there, in that little piece of bread.” July 3, 1997.  Our Loving Mother said:  “Don’t you remember, My little one, that the Catholic Charismatic Renewal Movement is the definition of an order that goes beyond the understanding of the believers who believe and who lend themselves to it, without realizing that they are being used for the internal destruction of the Church?...Respect for the Church is no longer fashionable...all those things, such as bending your knees and taking Communion in the mouth, are things of the past and...it is ‘unsanitary’ to take Communion in the mouth.  All of this, My little one, is a diabolical plan that has been planned since 1962. [This plan] has infiltrated the True Church so that the evangelical church may be put in its place, because according to this powerful network, it is the original one.” August 19, 1997.  Our Loving Mother said:  “Receive Communion in the mouth, not in the hand.  Pray that in the Church, where the Well Beloved is Present in the Eucharist, that sacred, spiritual music be played so that nothing ‘entertains’ you while you are in His Presence.” August 2, 1998.  Our Lord said:  “My child, you ask about the difference between priests and deacons.  I want you to know that there is a big difference.  Only priests’ hands are consecrated to say Mass and to give the Eucharist to parishioners.  Secular persons cannot consecrate, not even deacons.  Today, there is no difference, because they [mankind] have usurped the place that only belongs to priests.  My daughter, if women have never been ordained as priests, why is it that today, women are going up to the altar of the Lord to distribute Communion to the parishioners as if it were the norm?  Everything has changed, little one, in this world of disobedient men who do not have the time the check Sacred Scriptures to find the Truths contained there.  My daughter, is the difference between a woman priest and a man priest only the cassock?  No, there are many more differences.  Jesus did not allow women to become priests, because from the beginning, women could only be witnesses from the rear of the temples, never protagonists at the altar.  Remember that the Virgin Mary, your Loving Mother, even though She was Pure and forever a Virgin, complied with the Law of Moses and waited the required time for purification before presenting the Infant Jesus in the temple and until then, and not before, did He go up to the altar.  Women are impure by nature.  Women have something that differentiates them from men, that is, menstruation.  If Jesus had wanted to have women priests, He would have allowed His Loving Mother [to become one].  Is there anyone more pure than She?  It is written that Jesus said, ‘I am Holy.  Those who serve at the altar have to be holy.’  Why do priests have to be celibate?  Yes, the servants of the Lord have to be celibate.  Then why do women and those who help the priests, some married, some single – those who, by nature, have intercourse – why do they, whose hands are not consecrated and are not celibate, give Communion?  Don’t you think it would be good to ask?  From the beginning, the ones who kept the Tabernacle and the Sacraments had to be pure and clean and the deacons, or the ones who had to deal with the things of God, were eunuchs or became eunuchs to make sure they were celibate.” February 13, 1999.  Our Loving Mother said:  “I appear in many places and I have begged you:  Don’t take the Body of My Beloved in your sinful and profane hands.  Bend your knees before Him.” May 8, 1999.  Our Loving Mother said:  “Today, everything is changed.  We don’t kneel at Mass and we take the Eucharist in our hands because man said that it could be done this way.  Jesus tells us through the Virgin Mary that we Crucify Him each time we receive Communion in our hands.  When a priest says that taking the Eucharist in the mouth spreads germs, he is not inspired by the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit kills all the germs of the malignant one.  Jesus says, ‘My Power is with them [the priests].  They are consecrated to Me and have all power, even for exorcism.’ ” July 31, 1999.  Our Loving Mother said:  “The servants [priests] or pastors that My Well Beloved left to guide His flock offend Jesus when they give the Eucharist to Ministers [men and women] to be taken to the sick in their homes and in the hospitals [instead of by the priests].  He is also offended when the female Eucharistic Ministers keep Him [the Sacred Host] in their purses together with personal belongings like cigarettes, cosmetics and tampons and then they take the Paten and even the Holy Eucharist in their hands, which are not consecrated.  The men who give Communion also profane and offend Jesus at every moment.  The majority of them are married and they come directly from all their adventures in the streets and in their homes to give Communion.  The pastors are very calm about these procedures.  If parishioners try to say that they do not agree with the way the Church is acting, they earn the ill will of the pastors and are called fanatics...” August 7, 1999.  Our Lord said:  “Today, you can see how the priests refuse to give My Sacred Body in the mouths of My little children.  This is debated in all the churches.  They do not want to listen to anything.  Today, men plot schemes about the Sacred Eucharist in order to perform evil and satanic acts with the Sacred Body of Jesus, and almost all sacred places around the world are involved in this.  Any one of you can confirm what I am talking about.  You can go to many temples where they refuse to give the Sacred Host in your mouths but instead, give It in your hands.” August 8, 1999.  God the Father said:  “...Archbishop Annibale Bugnini, known by the masonic name of BUAN, ordered the Eucharist in the hand, which is a profanation of the Body and Blood of Jesus.  He was sent to Iran when it was discovered that he belonged to masonry.  Today, the rest of the masons remain in the Sacred Temple of God, all of them dressed in purple, designing the ‘New Age’ in the Church, the new reforms and the Charismatic movement.” August 12, 1999.  Our Lord said:  “Dear daughter...today they [the priests] confuse mankind when they come to the temples and say that this [the Sacred Host]...is a symbol and that everyone who comes to the temples can touch It, because everyone’s hands are holy.  Hypocrites, I say to you, because Jesus is the Bread of Life.” August 28, 1999.  Our Lord said:  “Why is it that today, the men who serve at the sanctuary where I Am Present all the time, contaminate themselves by having sex and by committing all kinds of worldly sins? I tell you that I am speaking of the married deacons who serve the world and then come from that world contaminated by all its sins as they serve at My altar.  Is it because the Word of God can be changed by man?  Is it that God lied or made a mistake when He gave His prophets instructions [the Sacred Scriptures] so you could walk with those Words?  Is it that Jesus made a mistake when He established His apostles of the New Testament and gave them the power to bind or loosen through the Holy Spirit so they could bind or loosen on earth and in heaven?  Did Jesus make a mistake, or are you the ones who are confused when you misinterpret what is written?  It is you, My little creatures, who are confused, throughout all of time.  You ask:  Why didn’t Jesus establish Mary, the Virgin Mother, who was Saintly and Pure, to give Communion to the apostles?  This is the answer I give you; engrave it in your hearts:  The Blood of the Lamb cannot be mixed on the altar with the blood of women.  The Virgin Mary was Pure, but even She could not be chosen for this, because then She would be imitated by the women of coming generations, who are really not pure because they menstruate monthly in order to purify themselves.  Women need to have menstrual cycles to purify their bodies.  Everything has been changed by man and even the temples have been infiltrated by the malignant one.  This is why everyone believes they are gods.  The Divine hierarchy have disappeared from church altars and have been replaced by New Agers, who say that we are all similar to God, that we all have saintly hands and that we can all give out the Eucharist.” January 22, 2000. Our Lord said:  “My little one, I want say the following to My Church:   ...you must return My Body and Blood to the center of the altars, so that They are there all the time.  You must give It to the people after they Confess and you must give It to them in their mouths, not in their hands.  You must remember that My Body and My Blood are Present when you consecrate the bread and the wine.  Return all My sheep to the True Doctrine that I gave you in My Sacred Scriptures.” February 15, 2000. Our Lord said:  “Before consecrating the Sacred Eucharist, My priests wash their hands as a symbol of purification.  In Psalm 25, Verses 6-7, you will see the prayer that they mentally offer to God:  ‘I will wash my hands among the innocent; and will compass thy altar, O Lord:  That I may hear the voice of thy praise: and tell of all thy wondrous works.’  These are the first words of prayer said by the priest in the Mass when he washes his fingers before offering the bread and wine.  In the Bible, My little one, washing is synonymous with purification, cleansing, or elimination of dirt, because water signifies purity and innocence.  I want you to tell My small creatures to notice that when they go to Mass that they will not see any of the women who have taken the place of My priests [Eucharistic Ministers] wash their hands or much less, say the prayer of forgiveness, and neither do the deacons.  Then why do the priests that I left commit the sacrilege of allowing My Body and Blood to be offended on the altars?  They will respond that they do not have sufficient priests and must work alone; that they need help.  You should know that there are no priestly vocations because there is a deaconate and because there are deacons [to do the work of the priests].”   

copy paste journal entry 4

one year later

October 20th, 2016

im jealous

when you seem fine to go to a party, when it comes across that you dont "need" me to go with you,

when i try to find you at a show but you had a fine time on your own regardless of my presence,

that people recognize you

that you make amazing music and are constantly having ideas and writing

and people want to be a part of it like taylor and ida and its a talking point and something to have in common with people

im jealous. that you are confident in your abilities at work, that youve found your creative outlet and feel the desire to work on it all the time, that you know people in this town and people know you. that youre comfortable in your humor and your tastes and how you dress and you know your way around town and know where things are and just...

you seem to have it together and i'm jealous, and taking out that jealousy on you because i'm not there, and im just scared. and i tell you all the time how i feel and... you dont really express as accutely when youre down or blue, you zen it out or just carry on with the casual day. and i'm not really on that level, not yet or maybe i'll never handle things the way you do.

but that doesnt mean its fair that i make you feel like youre never doing enough. i'm setting a christmas list of expectations because... im jealous of you and your "fine"ness. i want you to feel so fine, above fine, that youre able to scoop me up and teach me that all the shit im freaking myself out with isnt real.

but then, youre a human. and maybe you seem fine to me, but inside youve got all the same swirlings of doubt and fear. and now im adding to it by what looks to you as blowing things out of proportion. and from my side youre downplaying.

so what do we do. i wish you'd share more. i feel less lonely if i know youre going through stuff too. but... what if thats not your style? what if you dont like talking about the down stuff because it gives it more fuel in your mind? i feel like that sometimes too. like the more i talk about bad stuff... well, the more im thinking about it and feeling it and its then all i can think about. i understand why you zen things out with music or moto, and where the stress comes in when either of those things arent working out as planned.

i wanted to see you at that show because im worried we dont have a whole lot in common. but when we touch or laugh or smile at each other and bop, we lose pretenses and just enjoy the moment. very present. at least thats how it is for me, and thought for you, so when you were indifferent after the show i felt a bit shattered. i thought i was setting up a great chance to connect, but failed. and had already felt like a failure for not going to that party. for not progressing at barre. for not hearing anything about my resume. for just... not being a real Person in Austin the way youre a real Person.

I'm afraid I'm not interesting enough, not sharp enough with wit or jokes, I dont even have the prowess of cooking to impress you with now that youre doing it solo (which I'm so fucking proud of you btw but definitely kinda miss having that gold star) and I want to still cook together, to feel like its a date and not a chore.

I love that you asked me about my collages for your album cover, and that you vented to me the other day about work. I love to see you confident about moto parts, or at least confident about learning them. but then if ever a glimmer of money or time comes in, doubt soaks its way through, your voice changes into a drained man.

cant sleep in because today needs to be 8 hours to pay for the recording session, that barely 12 hours ago was a great thing! but now its a chore? fuck, man.

I dont want to be another chore. I want you to see me ... as a cleansing of the chore. or someone to work things through with. or even do literal chores with.

I've lost my train of thought intention ...

and i think back to when you talked to me about struggling with depression when you were younger

and you seem to have compartmentalized it so much. i talk about my shit all the time, how it strings together and lingers sometimes. echoes. old bruises.. that sort of thing.

but you allude to having attempted suicide before, which is huge... and to therapy, did you even tell me you went to a rehab thing? and yet like... it doesnt come up. which i respect, but... i duno. i want to know more. even your divorce, you never ever talk about it. about the past. you hardly talk about the past and thats ALL thats on my mind these days in my own world.

is it to cope?

we're such different people, I fear.

I am so very proud of my past, shit and all. I hate it but I wear it and all the emotions that come along very boldly and probably too obviously. at least until I can figure them out better.

i just lost the most reassuring presence in my life. even when it was bullshit grandiose lies, shed reassure me. "ill never be as pretty as so and so" "you hush youre the most beautiful girl in the world"

even though she and i lost our relationship over time, that way, i still wasnt ready to lose that soother. that teacher. that support.

ive always looked for reassuring people. teachers bosses, even the nod of someone flirting with me was (in my dilluded mind) reassurance i was doing something right.

so when youre confident. when YOU have plans. when YOU have vision, and I dont... I want to see myself in your voice. I want to hear you want me there. I dont assume it. I assume that youre fine either way. which in reality i know you are. but ... i can think im special til the cows come home, but im still alone. but if YOU think im special... If i matter to your day... if confident YOU sees something in ME. then i remember to see something in ME. its just the right momentum to get me out away from the devil on my shoulder telling me im worthless.

now that sounds codependent. fuck.

i just... why do i feel alone even when were together? because you sit there doing life any old way, with me or without. makes no difference. do i have to get used to that?

i guess just... i want a bold force. bolder than myself. i want a leader. someone whos strength reminds me of my own. reminds me to have fun with this life.

and a lot of the time i just feel like you need to be single.

not to be with other women, but just to be with yourself. to stretch your limbs and be a man of this world and do your projects and just... be. without another person around.

because i need you. and i dont really think you like it. when im complaining or saying you did this wrong or that not enough or why didnt you this that this that... its because i need you and ... yea. whatever you were thinking or not thinking, wasnt enough. or was wrong. in my book.

my anxiety makes things you think are irrational completely and utterly real to me. normal life things, every day things that every one goes through and deals with become gigantic make-or-break moments. i cant deny that a lot of that is due to the recent trauma of mom's addiction, various times i had the choice to call 911 and didnt... literal make or break things that i fucked up. and also with moving away from philly. leaving thigns that seemed blah, but now that im away i wonder if ive severed ties that i cant return to. if ill ever be relevant anywhere, enough so to matter, to make a difference or impact. choices that seem black and white but spill into giant oceans of grey and chess pieces scatter... so when you ask me how my day is, i cant really answer with the truth that i was so crippled by feeling like an idiot imposter that i gave up on trying to park my car at a fucking coffee shop and drove away crying thinking that the patrons outside were watching me fail in my big clunky car and laughing at me. and that i cried harder thinking about the fact that i dreaded going back to my apartment empty handed, having wasted time and effort and just... failed at trying to do ANYTHING with my day.

so i keep quiet and when something goes iffy between us, like the show last night, or like... us hanging out and you roll over and dont touch me or say anything when you go to sleep at all... i assume youre mad at me. or i act cold until you ask me whats wrong and express my insecurities in the shape of "YOU did this wrong, why didnt YOU do that, etc" when really i just...

wish things were different. i wish i was different, i wish you knew how to fit the bill i need.

and im afraid the more i say, the more i struggle with myself, the less you'll like me. that motorcycle thing, target fixation.

you see whats wrong with me, and then i TALK EVEN MORE about what i think is wrong with me... then you probably see that too. when i know youve got your own personal stuff happening and im sure i dont fit the bill you perfectly need either.

you want the carefree traveling girl you met.

well... i stopped traveling for you. im worried both dont exist simultaneously.

who knows.

i feel less mature than you. but i also think youre more stubborn than me. youre patient but in different ways. we're both conceded but in different ways.

i wonder, if given the chance, if we'd hate each other in a different dimension. a parallel world.

and in another, if we'd ever EVER even meet or notice each other.

you stood out to me, and still do, because of how you care for me. and accepted me from the start as a person and not a sexy girl or a commodity or a person to know to get ahead or any of the barbary popularity contest crap brainwashed me to believe.

i admire your drive and your shine and how you can fix things and learn things and are sweet and goofy and care about your mom and just...

i wish we'd met a different way.

i wish i hadnt been drinking.

i wish i'd seen you on stage first. or working somewhere. or out doing an activity.

i wish i'd had to try to impress you. i wish it was more of a chase to get to know you. to vie for your time.

i dont know why. i just... i think i like to rise to the occasion. i want to see who i can be when trying to impress you. because often, i impress myself. and am proud of myself. and THAT shows.

That showed when we met. i was proud of myself because i love traveling alone.

but now im here, and i feel aimless and im not proud of myself... and i dont quite know what to show you.

when we talked about Carrie... i was SO proud of myself for finding a cool theme point to talk about. it felt like college again. like i had found a point that impressed my professor. i felt smart. like i'd scored a three point shot.

i know that led to our sex being so good. at least in my mind.

i miss that fucking FIRE. and i know its something i have to find in myself. but im kindof afraid when i do... someone else will have helped me get there. and i worry that thats what i want. i want a teacher. i NEED to be stimulated. i NEED someone to notice when i dont show up to class. To feel a gap in the debate when i'm not there to chime in. to hear a difference in the choir without me.

so when youre fine. when you dont think twice about me not going to the party. or when youre not really phased when we dont link up at a show i specifically asked you to come to.

it really really bothers me. it makes me want to keep that power from you, the power i feel when i AM proud of myself.

i believe we give the best of our selves to people we feel deserve it. and i hate that this has become a tit for tat of deserving. when youre weird or lame or quiet, i dont want to have sex with you. but i know sex for you triggers a sense of connection and you treat me better and are happier to see me and be affection with me after we have sex, because that assures you i desire you and thats validating and boosts you, so youre happier and then youre nice. and then i feed off that and im nice and we're fine.

but when you suck, i dont want to sleep with you.

and often, if i dont sleep with you, you think i suck.

chicken or the egg.

we've talked about this but i think we're still chasing our tails.

i think we both have depression, i think i talk about it too much and i think you talk about it too little.

i think we both need a hobby that requires physical activity, and/or one that involves doing it together.

i thought cooking could be that, but... i duno. it'll ebb and flow.

group scenarios.

i want to matter to you.

i dont do a whole lot without you. and sometimes i fear that if i do, youre gonna feel left out. oooor that itll come back and bite me, like if i prioritize hanging out with staci or nelson or michelle and dont hang out with you or invite you, itll be crappy later on.

which is unrealistic to think about if we're gonna make this last. of COURSE were gonna have other friends.

ah, my brain just twisted down the other long term thing.

it really bothers me that you dont have the father gene.

its a huge warm fuzzy puppy when a man is good with kids. expresses posi vibes about children, even about being a teacher or a coach or paling around. its a vibe, either there or its not. and with you, i think youve clearly stated kids arent in the cards for you. and that appears to me like a literal wall of sharp, shiny obsidian black. dark like your eyes when youre angry or disappointed in me. i do not like that darkness. same way theres a dreaded tone you get in your voice sometimes. that tone, and the black eyes, i fear them because i lose you. you drift away, cut away, either back to someone i didnt know before we met, someone you were before, past life that is still there like an id, or someone thats there all along and just doesnt come out into the light often, but is there under that curly dark hair. im not sure which i fear more.

even now, so many pieces are swimming around. longing, disappointment, wishing youd be more, wishing i needed less, wishing i could see you purely without "need", worrying im not enough for you, worrying im not seeing your depression, wishing youd talk to me more, wondering if youre mad, wondering if youre sad, if youre stewing, if you want to leave me. that im too stubborn, that ive hurt you before and am now still on you about all this shit.

i havent been a good girlfriend. ive emotionally cheated and had shitty untrustworthy conversations and here i am still complaining that youre not doing it right.

which is freaky. because youre clearly an awesome motherfucker and have put up with a lot when, if the tides were turned, i probably wouldve left.

but why have i done these things. why did i cry out for attention in those ways, and STILL if i dont get the attention i need from you, i cry out to you. get on your shit about it. im not satisfied. i think my actions have made that clear.

but what do i do.

every time i hear something outside i wonder if youre here.

but why would you come here, why would you come to me if youre mad.

i wonder if youre at your place feeling in the right and thinking im in the wrong. thinking of reasons to leave me.

i know i need to be more humble and learn, and mature. but what if these instincts and urges to complain are telling us we're not right for each other.

itd suck. but what if? or what if its just that we're young and its supposed to be hard and we've gotta stick it out?

how the fuck are we supposed to know the answers to these things? im not interested in looking for another you :( no ones known me like you.

sometimes you make me feel like im not smart enough or deep enough for you. like youve accepted me but i havent accepted you.

i have a lot to learn. this needs to be picked back up upon another time.

Once in a while, you have to put the craziness into words just to stay sane. It’s been a long and difficult few months for me, since a fateful day in mid-October when my car crashed hard into another vehicle when it crossed in front of me with no warning, after failing to yield at an intersection. It was barely more than a year after losing my darling mom, and ironically I was on my way home from the hospital where she died, after visiting with her best friend who had been admitted the day before. I’d spent eight hours the previous day with mom’s friend, taking her first to her doctor, then directly to the ER, where I waited with her until she was admitted for cardiac care. On my way home, a woman who turned 92 years old a couple of weeks ago, came sailing through a four-way stop and crossed in front of me. She was going at such speed I never had time to even hit my brakes, I simply crashed head-on into the side of her car.

The nightmare began, and is still going on. I thought maybe it was time to let everyone know some of the effects it’s had on my life these past months because I’ve gotten very behind on obligations, and not only that, I’m not the same person I was six months ago. As a result of this collision, I have failing short-term memory, often not being able to recall things that happened only yesterday. I’m seeing a psychologist for the first time in my life and have been told this is trauma related and hopefully will right itself in time. I signed a couple of contracts for books today, and I couldn’t even remember the names of the stories that were to go into the sets–they are less than two years old, and I have no recollection of the stories, the characters, or the titles. Without files to tell me what I’ve done, those books are a mystery to me. Deadlines come and go, often without me being aware of it now. I miss blogging days, can’t remember names, and can’t recall phone numbers. A lot of times, I don’t even get my medical appointments correct and arrive early or late, and that after checking them multiple times.

One of the things that has been most difficult for me is the attitude of the other driver. At the time of the accident, she blamed me on the spot, and to this day has not ever asked if I am/was all right. Paramedics were on the scene a half hour after the accident, to tend to me because I could barely stand up. She went on to lie to her insurance company, denied any culpability, and all she had to say to me that day was “Do you have insurance?” She walked away from this crash with no injury. She was charged at the scene, but told her insurance company she wasn’t at fault, which delayed things until I was so angry I contacted the police and they confirmed what the police officer at the scene had told me. I spent the evening in the ER, and the doctor who treated me told me to get a lawyer and file a lawsuit, he was fully prepared to stand by the assessment he made of my condition.

It took an entire month to get my car back on the road, and the cost was over $10,000. I drove two rental vehicles, and I’m still nervous behind the wheel of my own restored and repaired vehicle. The car was pulled slightly, but being a fairly new car with less than 5000 miles on it, the insurance company wanted to repair rather than replace. I carried insurance that made repair costly because everything had to be put back to showroom perfect, no after-market or certified parts, only manufacturer parts directly from Honda. With all that was done, I still freeze for a few seconds every single time I use the intersection where this took place, I can feel the tension and my heart pounds with fear for a few moments. I have to use this intersection every time I go anywhere, it’s close to my home. I was a relaxed and confident driver, this will take some time to reclaim, too, it seems. Invisible injuries can cripple as much as those readily apparent at a glance.

So my car is fixed, but my body is far from repaired. My injuries continue to be treated, and may end up causing permanent issues. My back suffered severe whiplash from the neck to the lower spine, with trauma at the lowest part of the back resulting in compressed vertebrae. I had pre-existing arthritis that was exacerbated dramatically by the collision, and instead of one knee being out of whack, now both cause constant pain. Add to this the emotional trauma, and you begin to understand why I’m a mess at the moment. I’ve been in physiotherapy three times a week since the end of October, and that may be on-going for months more. Massage therapy has been added to try to undo the mess that is my back muscles, and the therapist has used the word “mess” to describe the shape my back is in. I’m on painkillers daily, and have no sane sleeping schedule anymore because I never know when I’ll be able to rest and when I’ll be up most of the night, making work impossible.

My life is presently a series of appointments with therapists, doctors, and a clinical psychologist. When I can squeeze in a free day, I have to do the normal things that go with day to day life, stuff like shopping, laundry, and other exciting things like that! In terms of writing, with my back and knees in continuous pain, I seldom spend more than a half hour at a time in front of the computer, it simply hurts too much to sit here. (This post is being done at intervals throughout the day.) So, it’s safe to say that any new writing is taking much longer than it should, when I can focus enough to do it at all.

I know I am no longer reliable, despite my best efforts to get things done when I promise them. I am truly afraid that I will never again be able to do things the way I consider right and professional. I’m scared, and that angers me because I was never afraid of anything before this happened. It goes beyond cars and pain, and it’s settled into the core of who I am these days. I’m tired, and I disappoint myself on a regular basis because I know I’m not doing the things I normally do with ease.

Why have I written this? Well, as someone who keeps most of her life private, this has been exceedingly difficult, to admit to the struggles and the on-going confusion. Mostly I want people to know I am not being deliberately indifferent, or obtuse, I simply can’t do more than I’m doing. I forget, and I’m slow, and I hate it. But this is where I am these days. I take nothing for granted, but I do hope you’ll understand and if you experience something like this or know someone who has, try to be patient, because even if you can’t see it–there is so much fear and anger and real suffering behind the face that is public. No one wants to be in pain, emotional or physical, but it’s often very hard to admit we are unable to be what we want to be, and do what we want to do, because of that pain.

Thank you, friends far and wide, for understanding, for caring, and most of all for listening. I hope none of you experience this, ever, but if you do, know you are never alone. Be well, and be blessed, always.

This is where I am…PTSD Once in a while, you have to put the craziness into words just to stay sane. It’s been a long and difficult few months for me, since a fateful day in mid-October when my car crashed hard into another vehicle when it crossed in front of me with no warning, after failing to yield at an intersection.