#i've known her for like a day
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huge week for wiseheart and cleradin enjoyers
#can you believe the bts photo is only a week old. it feels like i've known her forever. one might even say my life started the day-#byler#will byers#mike wheeler#ph#🌟🌷
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Hello praying people, I'm not doing well and would really appreciate your prayers right now <3
#long very boring and unnecessarily detailed tag monologue incoming‚ feel free to skip:#this is going to sound like a silly thing to be hitting rock bottom over#but i’m fairly certain i have a semi-rare skin condition known as sensitive skin syndrome#which is basically where skin gets progressively more sensitive#until it won’t tolerate the topical application of anything at all without getting irritated#usually it happens to people on the skin of their face and i have it there but i also specifically have it on my lips#(which apparently is extremely not normal; i found a dermatologist’s case study from like 2019 of one woman who had it on her lips#and according to this case study there were no other cases of people having it on their lips#in all the dermatological literature he had read)#i can’t follow the protocol which all the journal articles i’ve been able to find say is helpful for the rest of the face which is basicall#leave the area the heck alone for at least a year#because if i don’t apply anything to my lips for more than two or three days they will get so dry they crack and bleed#so it’s looking like one way or another i may be having to deal with dry burning irritated lips for the rest of my life#and i’m not dealing with the thought of that very well#i’ve already suffered so much anguish from extreme sensitivity on the rest of my face#and not being able to take proper care of the skin there#and this is just too much for me#i know God is allowing this for a reason but it’s filling me with so much frustration and panic and despair that i don’t know how to go on#but i must and i will#this isn’t a serious or a life-threatening condition but it’s looking like a pretty hopeless one and it’s hurting me badly#and i would appreciate prayers that it would just be healed or that i would know what to do#i think i will try going to my dermatologist but somehow i doubt she's even heard of sensitive skin syndrome#on a COMPLETELY unrelated note i'm just about to get my period and also for two days i've ''eaten'' nothing but vegetable smoothies#and those in pretty small amounts because they're disgusting#(do a detox my hormonal health doctor said)#(it'll be fun she said)#ok if you read this far you're so brave braver than any u.s. marine etc.#thanks for reading ily <3
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Father!!! 🔥🔥🔥🔥
#caluuart#genshin impact#genshin#art#arlecchino#god she's just so. cool. pretty. ethereal. badass.#also I LOVE HER STORY QUEST SO MUCH!! I think it's definitely one of the best story quests in the game tbh.#wait uh arlecchino story quest spoilers below:#for one; the quest really gives even more depth to arlecchino's character. like yeah the whole thing is well. messed up.#it's an orphanage that raises orphans to be child soldiers after all. But it's also like. It's more.... humane? nicer? for the fatui anyway#which does bring me to the next thing. you know how arlecchino's like “if you're gonna leave the HotH you need to fight for it with ur life#I genuinely think that she's gonna just. straight up kill them. although it's not unlikely at all it turns out that (most of the time?) she#-just gives them a one trip to memory loss and set them free. which i do know it's kinda like death in genshin's lore but still.#I just find that pretty interesting.#also the cutscene where clervie says goodbye n stuff. It makes me cry EVERY TIME. ARGHHHH TRAGIC CHILDHOOD DOOMED YURI MY BELOVED :(((#clervie makes me so sad man. the fact that she just. accepts death. she really just let peruere kill her huh. crucabena when I fucking get#the hopelessness getting to her at that point. all attempts of freedom failed until that day..... GOD. and clervie finally getting closure-#-in the story quest as a spirit... I just..... man.........#on a lighter note :)#I got obsessed with a bloodborne OST LMAO. the uhh the lugwig boss theme. esp the sec phase one. it's SO GOOD. I first heard abt it in a-#-vid analyzing the ost musically. At the time i was like. woah. cool. what a cool sounding track. fast foward to like. a day before 4.6#I'm watching a genshin theory video and I heard the music in the bg. I recognized it but I couldn't remember where I heard it from#UNTIL I REMEMBERED. and looked it up. And I have not known peace since. good music.#anw I've been rambling too much so yeah. gn my dear fellows!!
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The day is gonna end soon so I just wanted to say a final thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday <3 Thank you all so so much! You've all really made today so special!
#pan rambles#Sorry for sounding like a broken record but it's true-agkdngkdfn#Seeing all the messages really brightened up my day and I really appreciate it ;v;#You're all very sweet and I can't thank you enough!#Also sorry for how long it might've taken me to answer some of the asks-#Afksnfkdnfkd I'm quite tired now! Today was busier than I expected it to be!#Doesn't help that I cried like mlre than once-afksnf#Contrary to the fact this is literally a blog about me being affectionate with fictional dudes-#I get very overwhelmed (in a good way) by affection quite quickly-afksnfkdb The right words and I'll be a sobbing mess#When a pal I've known for many years#(hehe I can gush about her here bc she doesn't follow this blog) said “Thank you for being a part of my life” I instantly started to cry#My gushing and thanking aside-I promise I'll be back to the usual stuff tomorrow!#I will be normal self ship blog again I prommy <3#Hope you all have a great night!!!
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The fact I honestly thought I'd pull off playing College Craze and being normal about it, and then less than a week later I've already played it multiple times, made a duel MC au, a Pinterest board, and recreated some of the PopMe pages, is genuinely not lost on me.
#college craze#katie talks ifs and vns#i made psds for new contacts and calls too but didn't really have a use for them in this#also i just bs'd vidtok if it pops up I'll redo those but >.> i think you can tell who my favorite RO is so far okay (it's Pierce)#and then jay shaun ruby and trish also have me by the throat like if Trish has 0 fans I'm dead okay#I've known those characters literally like 4 days and I'd go to bat for all five of them already ok - my beloveds#anyway madeline mostly follows canon (the divergence is Ches exists and Ches is canonly the one fake!dating Shaun for Mad's tuition)#otherwise what the vn throws at Madeline she gets ok and then Ches breaks canon... so much it'd be probably too long for the tags#but this is what i get for being like 'this oc I've been writing for a decade+ would be down so bad for Pierce and Shaun lemme do a#playthrough with her and see what happens' - this happens apparently 😂 listen the vn helped me get through the entire time my mom was#in the hospital (she's home now) so tbh it was a really appreciated distraction <3#extremely long post#long post#edits:mine#college craze: ches#college craze: madeline#college craze: madeline x jay#college craze: ches x pierce#i had fun with these though like Madeline messaging Ches to ensure she isn’t going to come in and find Jay in the dorm#and Ches being like ‘yeah my vidtok is 100% Pierce’s fault’ yikes I need to sleep I’m excitedly tired rambling#sorry if this post is annoying (and for the lines under the categories breaking future me will fix that in further edits if I post more#those may be relegated to the shit post blog though we’ll see posting oc stuff makes me so anxious ngl)#im just hitting post I’ve been staring at this stressing it like two hours now jfc
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Totally normal to dread and fear your weekly phonecall with your mom bc you feel like she's gonna want to get into a fight with you, right?
#vent#I've spent the past like 5 days completely consumed by the fight we had#she gives me shit for not talking to her more often#but her obsession and propensity to get mad at me like this is making me want to talk to her less and less#like. now i want to ignore her on purpose. but that will only make things worse#what a concept right? being overbearing and not valuing your kid's very real effort to improve will make them want to get away from you!#who would've known!#it also doesn't help that she sent a very bad zionist comedy sketch that uses horrible lgbtq stereotypes to make its point and its ''jokes''#gahd#it's so frustrating#thanks to my friends for encouraging me in the idgaf wars
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and if all the people who told you one day it won't hurt all the time and there will be a sunny day and you will be able to notice how beautiful it is were right. what then.
#the number of times over the last week I've nearly burst into tears because I realized I was experiencing joy untempered by sadness!#for the first time in so so long! It's over two years since I've been this at peace!#only by the grace of God am I still here at all#and I don't know I guess I just got used to being miserable but now I'm getting reacquainted with joy.#she's a good and loyal friend and I've missed her dearly.#I think the most peace I've known was on Sunday#It was the two year anniversary of the single worst day of my life#And two years out....I didn't feel like mourning. There's still a sense of loss but what God has given me instead is so much better.#I'm in such a better place mentally and emotionally and even physically with just being safe and being in school and doing well in classes#And I have friends I trust and love and who love me and a balance of work and rest that I never thought I'd have#And in class today we were talking about generalized anxiety disorder which I believe I used to have and...probably don't anymore#Like I used to spend so much time and energy just worrying and then also trying to avoid anxiety attacks and I just...don't anymore#It's been such a slow process and there are of course good and bad days and weeks but overall my brain has healed so much#and realizing that was wild#on healing
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Oh god do I have feelings about genderqueer stevie. Im also entirely aware that im projecting, because im a trans man who has a weird relationship with femininity. Just, I have so many feelings. I think she deserves to be pampered, and I just think that maybe she can find the peace in those good bits of being a woman that I could never feel.
I want Steph to know the joy of a woman sharing a hair tie because we just do that. I want steve to run around and ask for a tampon for Robin and have another woman go 'oh yeah here you go, do you need pads too?' I just, I want her to feel safe in the woman's bathroom at a club.
I just think that maybe they feels some way about wearing a dress on different days, that some days they're wearing this dress as a woman, and maybe tomorrow they will wear this dress as a man.
I just want him to have gender euphoria, not just of being a different one then he was assigned but also of his sex too.
That is to say, I want genderqueer Steve Harrington to experience what I can't yet.
#and probably because I have a Steph alter#and we go through dysphoria together#some days I help her some days she helps me#steve harrington#stobin#platonic stobin#stranger things#transfem steve harrington#genderqueer steve Harrington#gender#transgender#the mortifying ordeal of being known#what a best friend is willing to do for another#I've never had a best friend like robin#I dont think I ever will. I think my headmates are the only thing that can come close and so we work with that#did system#system
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my best friend has been very distant w me lately and i asked today if she wanted to hang out and she said she probably couldn't bc it's her brothers birthday but she would let me know if she could and i have her location and i just looked and she's at her boyfriends house rn....
#we have it bc we're roomates so we started sharing locations when we first moved in like in case someone doesn't come home at night or smth#she recently told me that she wants to move out bc she has always wanted to live alone and she can finally afford it. and i asked her#directly like is there an issue because she is so non confrontational so she has never ever mentioned me doing anything that bothers her#and i said please tell me if there's something wrong because it would really suck if there was and i never got a chance to fix it because#you never told me. and she said no it has nothing to do with that i really just feel like it's time for me to live on my own. and a couple#days ago she was like okay i'm next in line for my apartment i'll probably move out in april. and i try to get her to hang out still and#she always has something else going on and i swear every night this week she's been at her boyfriends.#and if i see her around our apartment and try to make conversation at all she's so like short about it and barely responds like will only#give one word answers. i feel like it kind of started when i started dating e but i realized that i was spending less time with her and i#didn't want to be the girl that loses all my friends bc of a boyfriend so i started specifically reaching out to hang out with her and she#says no most of the time and never asks me. like i don't know what else i can do.#i'm like maybe it's bc of her boyfriend? bc they've been on again off again for a long time and previously when they were together it was#really distant with her like i barely saw her EVER. and they were mostly broken up for the past couple years and have been together i think#for a while again... but she knows i don't approve of that relationship and so she would like not say when they were talking again. so maybe#since lately they've been hanging out or dating or WHATEVER she doesn't fucking tell me what's going on with him. maybe that's why.#i literally like try to think of ways it could be my fault and maybe i'm being crazy but i cannot even think to blame myself for more than a#fleeting second bc i'm like. i have ASKED HER directly if there is an issue or something i do that bothers her and she says no. so even if#i'm somehow pissing her off would i ever know to change anything?? i just feel so frustrated bc it's like she's an entirely different person#to me. like this is not the person i know. and i don't know what else i could possibly do like i feel like we need to sit down and have a#conversation about it but what good does that do if she just acts like nothing is wrong. but i don't want to lose my friend i have such a#hard time making friends. i've known her since i was 14 like i can't imagine my life without her. we were the only two in our whole friend#group in high school to get out of the church i still love those other girls but we have so little in common now.
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i'm having more side quest ideas
#so there is a religion of sorts that's built from the belief that dragons will one day return#and it's that group that sasha is 'warning' his subjects of and what he's blaming the quest on#he's all like 'oh no there's a sub group of Fanatics trying to bring dragons back from the dead you must stop them' but it's a distraction#ANYWAY#i was thinking about other religions that might exist across the continent#and then i was thinking of like. oracle types and the general idea of someone being Chosen#and having to live their life devoted to this one being/idea#and then i thought of freya and her love of knowledge and the way she literally goes through and edits the books in the library#how at least once a week she makes the treck to bruasse just to speak to rue about rivers and water nymphs#how it's her dream to explore the continent just to /learn about it/#and i know i've said in the past that the gods don't really manifest the way you'd normally expect#like maurua literally IS the mountains she is not some personified guardian of them. she is them.#and taiua IS the earth and slovua IS the ocean#but i feel like there are maybe younger gods that could be a little more like. malleable#like how vietua is the night sky but she is also known as the 'mother of all' bc they believe creation started with her#and she's literally where stardust comes from#and i was thinking of that and akoua - education and learning - and thinking of her like. calling to freya#and freya going on some big coming of age like journey that leads to her being this Bearer Of Knowledge like some sort of human encyclopedi#and her becoming some sort of priestess for Akoua and it being a Whole Thing#idk how i'd do it im just having visions#side quests#WHICH ACTUALLY I WAS ALSO THINKING OF SOME SORT OF MIEDNIC / OMOS FORBIDDEN ROMANCE THING#SO TECHNICALLY. MULTIPLE SIDE QUEST IDEAS#i just really love having a pre-existing fantasy world to play in
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I may have developed a little crush on my housemate (I KNOW okay. I know) and one of my besties comes over once a week for dinner + to force me to so my chores and I yam (🍠) like. does she know. can she tell.
#I don't actually think she's seen me around ppl I've liked before but also she's known me for almost 18 years so.#I am acting remarkably normal in my adultness tho. proud of myself#I haven't confided in her yet because well she's over at my house every week#which is also his day off#so they Also see each other every week#and I know she wouldn't tease me (unlike SOME people 🤨)#but I am like. this is still too mortifying to say to someone who sees the dude once a week#even if she Is my one true soulmate on this earth. some things are just that embarrassing#anyway kill me etc#ghost posts#text
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Watching my daughter interact with people on here is strangly.. wholesome. Since we exist within the same system I'm able to remember/look back at posts she commented on or got tagged in and it's kinda like seeing your kid play at the park and make friends
#I've barely known her for a day but if anything happens to her I'm killing everyone in this room and then myself#also btw if any of her moots see this as ik some of you are moots with me too thx for keeping her company she really appreciates it#she's the most social one in our system so she loves interacting with everybody#even if we've never spoken in dms before you guys are super cool 👍#also someone sent her fanart?? which is super amazing like tyy??? /gen#family stuff#leo talks
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suddenly i miss my grandma so much
#she died when i was 11 and i'm 26 now so i had a really short time with her#but she was the kindest woman i've ever known#like a total sweetheart#she made this apple cake that was her own recipe and it was the most delicious thing i've ever eaten to this day#every time we visited she made it#and i have a huge craving for it rn#and it made me miss her#i feel like i barely remember what she looked like anymore#it's been 15 years#and it makes me so sad#only my grandpa from my mom's side is alive and we're not rly close#and i see him like once every six months#so i don't rly have close grandparents anymore#and i'm so jealous of everyone who has :[#living vicarously through my sims tbh#💬#death tw#death cw#lmk if you need any other tags!
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having friends as a high-functioning mentally ill person is actually hella fucking hard bc when you're doing good ppl forget that your brain doesn't work like theirs, and when you're doing bad they want nothing to do with you bc they don't recognize or understand that version of you
#i have one friend that i actually hang out with lmao i've known her since 2016#but i constantly have to call her out on her bs 😭#like when i had an abortion last year she was the only one i told and she promised she'd be there for me#and then left me on read for weeks lmfaooo and the next time i saw her she complained about someone else leaving her on read#i was like 'girl that sounds familiar don't u think...' WHERE IS UR INTEGRITY#and the other day i told her something v exciting happening in my life#and immediately she started projecting all of her fear and doubts and saying things that had me like ???#i told her that my mind is a beautiful fkn garden that i work so hard to keep clean bc i have bipolar and ptsd and ocd and adhd#SO DON'T PLANT UR WEEDS IN THERE HOE. WATCH HOW U TALK TO UR MENTALLY ILL FRIENDS :)#WATCH HOW U TALK TO EVERYONE PERIOD TYSM !!!
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i really am just mentally ill
#i had a bad day today#i went to the hospital and told everyone that i wanted to die today and that nothing was going to change my mind#it was kinda wild#there was this really nice doctor that talked to me for a while#i talked to her about my gender dysphoria#and she was like yeah i get a lot of people who are depressed like you#and i was like no i'm not formally diagnosed or anything#and she was like oh?#and then she was like#'im not a mental health professional or anything but i've known you for 20 minutes and from what i can tell you are definitely depressed'#turns out that not only am i suicidal#i am also depressed#and she said it's just a mental illness#and that i have a chance of recovering from it#so turns out i can't even try to avoid the 'mentally ill' jokes anymore#i basically am#well this is annoying#today was a sucky day
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meraki and hiraeth are really fucking good names for elyss actually and I'm really mad about it
#I saw a post earlier (I think I reblogged it?) about hiraeth#and how it's not just the concept of longing for a home you've never been to in the abstract but how it specifically applies to the welsh#and anyway it's been nagging in my head all day that like. that's a character name.#I can't place it. miraki hiraeth. something meraki hiraeth. whose blorbo is that#[searches notes] OH MINE. THAT'S RIGHT. FUCK#for context we found a book that turned out to be a chronicle of her life as written by her absentee genie dad#who it turns out has been just fucking.... Watching her her whole life without ever contacting her#and the foreward is like 'this is the story of elyss miraki hiraeth--'#'who may be known as elyss sibbili but as my child she will bear my name and one I believe she has earned 😌'#which! hey man! FUCK you! my father's name is Carric Sibbili and you are NOTHING to me and you have NO rights to my deeds!!#anyway the audacity of my DM to name this genie-- and by extension elyss--#after the concept of yearning for a place where you belong but that you've never been to and may not even exist?? HELLO#god. GOD. anyway I've only just now learned that meraki is another word that ends up on 'untranslatable words' listicles#and apparently means doing something with soul creativity and love#VERY GOOD NAMES FOR HER. SLOT THEM INTO THE LINEUP IF SHE WAS A GNOME YA DIG?? BUT THEY GOT SLIME ON EM#my OCs#elyss
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✧･ﾟ 🔪 killing is an addiction !