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saw-x · 4 months

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PARVATI SHALLOW | The Traitors 2.01 - 2.03

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soldier-poet-king · 5 months

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Anyway made myself upset thinking about my parents again (ofc it's nearly Christmas)

and like how they weren't technically abusive and it was all just kinda. Emotional neglect, unintentional(?) manipulation, so much shit born out of their own issues and immaturity and their own suffering. And like yeah. Okay. Maybe it (mostly) wasn't intentional, and wasn't my fault. But it still feels like my fault, my responsibility. It's still my burden to live with for the rest of my life, and it's still my personality, my inability to make connections and trust, my fucked up 'attachment style's or whatever, that suffered the consequences.

And maybe things are marginally better than they were when I was peak vulnerable and they were peak bad. But that just makes me fear I made it all up? In my head? And it IS just me and all my fault, despite my father outright admitting all these horrible things about the way my mother feels about me, despite their ongoing bullshit, despite the consensus amongst all the siblings about how fucked it is, and how I specifically was the least loved child?

Idk. Its a guilty wish, sometimes, that things had been worse. That there was some definitive /event/ to point to, as proof, as an excuse, as a reason that I'm Like This, and not just the slow, near invisible grinding down beneath their passive aggression over the years. How can you measure the effect of their behaviour on a child who was already of an anxious disposition, but never to this extent? How can you count the costs, see what was lost, when I was never allowed to grow into a person outside of it all? I'm STILL not a person, not really, not a full one at least.

And still, still the enduring wish that it had been worse. So I'd feel less crazy. More justified. So I'd have an excuse to leave and cut the strings with finality. So I wouldn't have to keep playing this game, balancing this dance, even as I reap the (financial) benefits of of not having to be completely independent in this economy. And yet. And yet. How can we count the costs?

If things are marginally better, is it because I made it up? Because I matured and put in the work on my end and am trying to handle myself? Because I learned how to more carefully walk on eggshells and navigate this? Because I simply stopped outwardly caring? Or are they better? Are they capable of being better? They're still awful to each other, and it spills over onto me constantly, but it's not /as/ bad as it was when I was my youngest brother's age. Were they always capable of that? Was I simply not worth the effort to change for? Not worth the effort to try and help, to save?

And I have to live the rest of my life like this? Not just with all the fragile shattered spiky bits of my non-self, but also always doing this dance with them? Always the tension and the guilt because I want and need to leave, but that's just Not Done, and I can't, won't, be my mother, practically glued at the hip to her aging mother. But I know I'm the only one of my siblings responsible enough to be the one to step up at take care of them as they age, regardless if I need to move cross country and change my name and never return. I know it'll fall to me, even as I was the one most damaged by them. There is no way our, no reconciliation at the happy ending, no fixing this in a way that matters. But there's no justification for my leaving, my escape either. If I cannot wish evil on my genuine enemies, how can I not care for them when they eventually age? My conscience won't let me, even as I know it'll kill whatever's left of my heart, to be stuck with them, again. Its a long ways off, they're young still. And yet. And yet.

Idk. I hate the holidays. I'm glad I'll be out of the house for most of them save Christmas Eve & day itself. It'll be lonely, perhaps, it usually is, and I'll be melancholy and drink too much wine and lay about being morose. But at least it'll be on my own terms.

#the duality of fran #ignore this i just. idm #i was suddenly very sad and upset #and if i didn't write it out i wouldnt be able to get back to work #and i rlly wanted to get thru this fonds by the end of the day

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drowninginblox · 7 months

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Do you think the Straw Hats get touch-starved?

I’ve been getting into One Piece recently and the thought of getting isikaied into the show has been making its rounds in my head. Thinking of what I would do if allowed onboard has become my newest pastime so ima ramble about it.

Ofc I would do manual work and help out with the ship's cosmetics, maybe take on a little bit of everyone else’s work if they let me, but overall, what would be my role? Then I started thinking about how broken everyone is and I thought- what if I just played support?

And then the angst came rushing in-

So this is how touch-starved the straw hats are (in my POV ofc)

Luffy

I don’t think Luffy is a touch person

I mean yes the dude likes hugs and shit but I don’t think he’d die without them.

To me, Luffy comes off as someone who likes gifts or words of affirmation above everything else

Probably cus I see this guy as an aro/ace icon but that's just me

Usopp

Mans is starving but he wouldn’t realize it until literally the moment he gets crumbs

I think it’s made worse by the fact he’s thinking about Kaya almost as much as he is living in the moment (if that makes any sense)

If I were to offer him a cuddle sesh I think he’d legit think about it for a bit before turning me down out of respect for Kaya

But he be longing for physical affection bro I Mf know it

Sanji

Wants but won’t give in

As of right now, this man is a fucking s l a v e to Nami so I think that the same principle for Usopp would follow to Sanji. The only difference being his reaction would be more vocal and immediate.

“Absolutely not!”

That is to say, he definitely struggles with physical touch. I’m sure of it. There is something deep inside this boy that struggles when it comes to self-worth. I can’t place it yet but I can see it-

Zoro

I think he’d call me a whore? Idk why. But my mind is telling me that this man doesn’t need physical touch. What he needs is physical therapy for over-exerting himself.

Fr tho, if Zoro ever got the notion that he wants some hugs or platonic cuddles, I think it would be a struggle to come to terms with that.

Very much “I haven’t wanted/ needed this before, so why do I crave this now?” From that, I’d think he’d internalize that struggle until it’s something he can’t war over anymore.

He’d eventually get over himself and ask for a hug or putting his head on my lap when no one else is around/ when everyone else is asleep except us.

Nami

Oh Nami, my Nami. You do not trust easy.

You lie to yourself and strive in your own but I know that you will take anything you get girl

She’d only take side hugs if someone asked for a hug.

She doesn’t ask for one unless it’s after a life-or-death situation/something stressful. The same can be said for cuddles

I hope this bitch is pampered by someone she loves just as is not more than berries.

Honestly if it wasn't for the fact that he was a pervert, i'd put my money on Sanji but... i highly doubt that

Koby

He so is.

As soon as I offered, he would have his arms out. Always open for. a hug.

I think he'd make cuddling more than it is though.

But once he gets over it, if the free time presents itself, absolutely.

BONUS!!!

Spoilers for season 2 of OPLA or Alabasta for the new anime watchers/ manga readers!

Robin

No.

Physical touch is not on the menu for her

Not now at least.

One day though

Chopper

An adorable little thing like him is always down for a hug I know it

Will ask for hugs and cuddles not for himself but for the person he's asking them from. Mostly from Nami, Zorro, and Robin

Chopper would prob get the same vibe for me lmao

#opla #one piece #one piece live action #touch starved #headcanon #one piece headcanons #self indulgent

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csmeanerr · 4 months

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It’s so funny cause I see people say to spend money on non-digital things rather than CS and I just can’t take that as a good suggestion. One of my aunts, my dad, and his mom all have pretty bad hoarding tendencies, and when I buy real things I just hold onto them and don’t use them. I tried Pokémon cards (I have thousands), I was in the squishmallow craze (I have at least 20), and I buy legos (over $2k I’m sure) but they just take up space and that’s it. You could argue the same for my CS or really any OCs but at least that’s digital storage that does not affect my real life. Could I save? Yeah but I don’t have anything else in my life to distract me from the heap of useless money. No friends to hang out with, no hobbies, nowhere to go, nothing to do, it’s all an event of spending money either way. If I have to spend my money, I’d rather it be to support creators and on things that won’t fill up my house.

If it works for others good on them though fr

want to give this one a proper response because it's a good perspective to see through and understand. empathy and all that, and if i were in the same position yeah i'd prefer the stuff that doesn't take up space too

at the same time it's not all black and white and i can tell this is being typed from a pretty dark place and hope the best for you going forward. i've been in a pretty similar position, especially the pokemon cards. CS gives an easy entry to a community, especially if you have something others want. they are basically an art community centered around a common theme, the species itself

and while im all about supporting creators and making the most of your life, i want to add in some counterpoints to your words because i don't want others to fall into that defeatist attitude. shit might get personal but i do appreciate your message

cs is already a hobby. idk what you do in them but from how it's worded it seems you use your money to help pass the time with, be it buying an adopt or legos to do something with. spend your money however you want but i'll just say it doesn't need to be spent on material goods. just treating yourself to a yummy meal can still be worth its weight and not leave behind any 'waste' beyond the physical clean up

if you want to support creators too then support the other people in the CS community beyond the owner or staff. im all about creators getting compensated for their work while also understanding CS owners artificially inflate their work's value by arbitrary rules such as limited traits or artificial scarcity. if you want to support that then it's not like i can change your mind about it, all i'm saying is you can also use your money to commission the other artists who often have to sell their work for fake in-game currency or pennies in comparison

ngl you sound defeatist and bitter and are only rallying behind cs practices because you have a parasocial relationship and cope hard with it. im not gonna discredit that, i did the same exact stuff and put thousands into buying adopts be it because of FOMO, because I did like the owner, because i liked the design, or even just having something to do by checking market channels, talking in the chat, or designing their backstories. it's easy to stick with that or latch on, because if you have the money (and even if you don't) it's just the same as any other anchor to the shitshow of life

do i have a solution? not really it's not a fix-all and i'm not a therapist, i'm just going to say i can't abide by your explanation nor can i recommend it to others because that is the exact same mindset that people with addictive personalities have and makes them so susceptible to CS's terrible practices. hopefully you can find another way to cope and i do wish you the best

#help

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batmanisagatewaydrug · 1 year

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Hi there, I totally understand if you don't/want to answer this because its a stupid story in which i am a stupid person who makes stupid decisions despite knowing better, and also didn't do the right things at the right time. i am going to also navigate my moral failings at a point which ig might be a seperate ask idk we'll see. also its a whole long story and i have some kinda problem where i struggle to work outrelevant information, i'll prolly realise and then send a shorter ask later.

this time last year I slept with someone that had active herpes sores. they were on their first outbreak and were taking an anti-viral to deal with the symptoms. As a teenager I went through a brief period of sleeping around a lot after the end of my first relationship, with pretty much total strangers (i was around when you could use tinder as a 16 yr old, if that dates me at all) and at a routine sti appt several months after i'd 'calmed down' a nurse took a swab of a sore and said there was a good chance it was herpes though it might be too late to tell (clinics were once a week where i was and i wasn't prepared to travel 20+ miles on public transport to get it right time-wise, i know, wrong and i am sorry). the test came back negative but i just assumed i had and didn't get a blood test because of everything i'd been told about herpes. never had another 'outbreak', any signs of one i was straight on that bus and it never came up positive.

Fast forward to the future, I had had one partner that i disclosed that i may but had never had a positive test and we used protection every time. It really harmed my self-esteem and i felt unable to start another relationship after that breakup because disclosing felt like such a nightmare (I still feel I messed up in disclosure, even though they had coldsores on their face before we met, idk) but i then met this person, and we got on really well and as they had gotten theirs from a cheating partner, i felt like i should be as supportive as possible, especially considering at this time i also considered myself a person with herpes. I wanted them to avoid the shame and 'unfuckableness' i had been stuck with for years. When they said they wanted to fuck me, I went with it. I wanted to use protection, and they tried to talk me out of it (yano, feels better kinda thing) but i stuck with it because there are other reasons. The second time we slept together i caved to them though.

it ended up helping me though, as after they ghosted me for a month (i got covid rly soon two days after we last met and told them, then there was a kind of radio silence) i met another person and disclosed to them and they were cool with it. They got tested when they went back to their home country 1 and 3 months later they were clean (other than ureaplasma but we don't test for that in my country so idk what to do onthat one).

I then decided to get my blood checked (igG) because i thought that i needed to be able to show people that i absolutely had herpes rather than feeling like people werent believing me (?) when i told them, which ig they were because i said 'i have herpes' to them but idk a document seemed more official. and then i wouldn't panic about lying to people accidentally or w/e. this was before twelve weeks from sleeping with person A so when it came back negative i was thrown horrifically. At this point it's worth mentioning i quit alengthy and pretty horrible drug addiction and ended up sleeping with the person I'd asked to look after me in this time (again with protection) and several weeks later i remember feeling like i was going to die when i got tested again, twelve weeks after contact with person A. I was so relieved because I didn't want to hurt the person that was looking after me when i was getting clean, especially as I had failed again.

So i am with no positive blood test, I am thinking of getting another test again because i still can't bring myself to be near another person in case i give them herpes. I was just wondering if it was worth it, if even if i was carrying it i might not have antibodies because the virus was being 'covert' or something. yeah i guess that's my question. does exposure mean infection, do i need to disclose that i know i have had contact with herpes, will a test do anything?

anon this has had me, my housemates, and my group chat absolutely agog for the last 25 minutes and counting.

if you've had multiple negative tests then the odds that you have herpes are extremely low; it's very unlikely that getting bloodwork done will find anything different. having sex with someone who has an STI is not a guarantee that you will catch it, and if you've never tested positive there's no need to tell partners that you have herpes because that's factually inaccurate. having had sexual contact with someone who has herpes does not make you inherently risky.

it's worth noting that even if that were the case, then functionally the entire population of sexually active humans would be at risk - it's estimated the between 60 and 90% of adults globally have herpes, which means that nearly every sexually active adult must have had at least one sexual partner who's infected.

I don't like to armchair diagnose anyone with anything because that's not my field and it's none of my business, but it does maybe seem like there's some shame around sex here that's being channeled into the belief that you must have herpes. clinging to that belief isn't actually helping any of your partners or, crucially, you. I wish you nothing but health and safety as you work towards sorting these feelings out.

#sex edventures 2022

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thatwasntlikeridingabikeuasshole · 1 year

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no bc i have to tell the story of asking Girl to prom. Is it a particularly interesting story? nah, not really, i didn't do anything big or special, but SHE FUCKING SAID YES so its worth something.

also it was really funny cuz like

i did it after auditions right. bc i knew shed be there and id be there and hey, the nerves could kind of cancel each other out a little right? and they did. a little. but i had my plan: id get her alone, in a moment when she wasnt talking to someone, id go "hey, Girl, i have something to ask you" except use her name obviously and then i'd go for it.

so the whole time at auditions im sitting next to my best friend (who knows everything and helped me make the plan) and my friend Fox (who knows nothing) and when Girl auditions my best friend nudges me and my heart is beating a thousand miles an hour

and then finally it was over and everyone was mingling and getting ready to leave and i was like okay this is my moment but she was talking to someone and then someone else and then someone else blah blah blah and i was waiting, literally sitting on the stage three feet away from her trying not to look like i was waiting, my friend sitting next to me and Fox next to her

friend keeps offering in a hushed tone to distract people talking to her but she never gets the chance even

finally Girl leaves the group shes talking to to grab her bag and i jump up and friend and Fox are still sitting on the stage watching me now and i say "hey, Girl, i have something to ask you" except use her name obviously and then i go for it????

idk i feel like i blacked out. i feel like there was a lot of nervously touching my neck and my hair. i said exactly the script: "well, listen, so, i really like you and i was wondering if you'd want to come to prom with me"

and she looked SHOCKED

there was this blinding moment of FUCK WHAT IS SHE GONNA SAY HOW DO I RESPOND TO EITHER ANSWER

and she said something with oh-my-god involved and some other things and then finally gets to the point and says "YES"

and then i am laughing shakily and she is and im pressing my hands over my mouth and shes all "oh my god im so excited oh my god when is it"

"april 14th" i say

and she's thanking me for asking and what i tried to say was "god no oh my god thank you for SAYING YES" but i dont think i got that out

and then she HUGGED ME ghiowjgiwjgojgwio

and then the large group of her friends who is at this point ready to go and possibly watching i have no idea are like "Girl come on" and shes like oh okay and smiles at me one last time before she leaves

and i return to my seat on the stage in fucking SHOCK my best friend is like YEE YEE YEE YEE LETS GO and Fox is just like what just happened? but yay??????

and then her group goes up the aisle to the back of the auditorium to leave and this is the cutest part i swear, her older sister, the drama club president and part of the group who i think were all carpooling, stopped to ask if the three of us needed rides and for the moment that they all stopped right at the door GIRL WAVED DOWN AT ME SO ADORABLY AND I WAVED BACK AT HER JWOGJIWGJWO

so yeah now im going to prom with, to put it briefly, the most wonderful and gorgeous in every way girl ive ever met. GJWOGJIOWJGIOWJGOKJEGOJGOWI YIPPEEE

#also the friend who was there livetexted the whole thing to the one who wasnt #who i hadnt told who i was asking #and we also didnt tell her that i did tell the other friend #so this was all news to her #the friend who was there was just like HOLY SHIT I JUST FOUND OUT WHO RUBY WAS GONNA ASK BC SHE ASKED RIGHT IN FRONT OF MEEEEEE

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creweemmaeec11 · 1 year

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Hey!! Really sorry cause this one's going to be a little long of a rant.

I started reading your stories exactly a year ago and that time itself was one of the worst ones that I'd ever gone through. Shit had gone incredibly down, basically I was a living corpse with undiagnosed depression and anxiety but like, idk I was trying to find anything that could make me just a little happy and then I stumbled upon your blog in the process.

Thing is, your fluffy stories were really heartwarming for me through tough times or when I needed to get my mind off things for awhile. I'm not saying that everything was absolutely perfect but I do know for a fact that your writing helped me a lot in terms of understanding a few things even if it was just fiction. Like, yk how most of your characters are all abt "teaching one another how it isn't not embarrassing to ask for help," that part was the most soothing one for me; and altho it did take a long, long time before I actually asked for help, I'm really grateful to you for planting that idea in my head. It kind off like stayed and nurtured and is getting more habitual. A yr has passed and I can't say that I'm completely healed or smthg but I'm doing way better than before and hv also began taking therapy.

So overall, what I'm saying is that I'm genuinely grateful for the message you've given through your works and for being an absolute sweetheart abt literally anything and everything. Keep writing and I love you so much<3

Tc<3

I'm sorry it took me all day to reply to this but I didnt want to because firstly, how does one even respond to something so sweet and two I wanted to keep rereading it in my inbox 😅 but honestly from the bottom of my heart the joy this brings me is indescribable. It is the exact reason I post my work to begin with. I've said it before but if something I've written makes even just a single person's day just a bit better, than it worth it.

I'm so sorry your going through that, I know exactly how you feel. I'm currently living with a whole array of medical issues, (depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, POTS) and even after 5 years of doctors visits they still think these and symptoms of some still undiagnosed endocrine issue. Its exhausting. Nobody knows what your going through internally, but they all believe they know what best for you, and you can start to doubt even your own judgment without the evidence to back it up. "Maybe I'm not sick, I'm just lazy. Everyone gets tired," it's such a dehumanizing and terrible feeling, so I'm so glad your doing better and really hope things keep improving in your future <3

Yeah, learning to ask for help is so difficult, even when you desperately need it. But its human to ask for help, and I'm so glad you picked up on that in some of my stories, it is definitely something I struggle with too, 😅 one of those "practice what you preach" moments but hey, we can all get there eventually!

Thanks so much again for this message ♡♡ it absolutely made my entire day. Also don't ever apologize for rambling, long random asks are my favorite, especially of this variety. Is read a full essay if someone sent it to me as ab ask haha. I love interacting with others! ♡

And no I love you way more ♡

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continentalblue · 2 years

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you wanna have Thoughts? you wanna have Feelings?

we know varian isn't the most careful when it comes to his experiments (and he's gotten a lot better, but he still makes mistakes!) so i just imagine him getting injured and having to see the castle nurse/doctor or someone to patch him up and they're always telling him to be more careful

(i also think that after the new plumbing system was installed in corona, quirin went back to old corona to tend to his pumpkins and stuff and now that varian's alone and doesn't have help he tends to overwork himself a lot more and the injuries increase. mayhaps the nurse/doctor/someone notices and puts more effort into taking care of varian. maybe they even decide to become his assistant or smthn idk)

I'd love to hear some headcanons for this idea, if you have any!

Blue's note: feel free to request Tangled headcanons through my askbox! They can be character or ship hc, I don't really care. I won't do adult/nonadult ships, nsfw, or ships between family. I also won’t write for Varian and the Seven Kingdoms due to my unfamiliarity with it.

--------------------------------------

Blue's Note: I'm not sure if you wanted them to be romantic or platonic, so I wrote them as platonic. Let me know if you want romantic ones!

//cw: headcanons include mentions and depictions of wounds, blood, harm, scarring, and other forms of injury to the body. Please ask me to tag.

⚗️ Varian held out his arm to you, his face pale. "It's not as bad as last time."

⚗️You sighed, wrapping gauze around the wound. The raised scars surrounding it made you sigh again. "Another steam explosion? Varian, you have to be more careful!"

⚗️"It's worth it if it means I can figure out how to get hot running water to everyone in Corona!" Varian flexed his fingers. "Besides, aren't you a doctor? I'm keeping you in business."

⚗️You rolled your eyes playfully. "Sure, Varian. But seriously though. Can you please be more careful?"

⚗️"No promises."

⚗️You were always telling Varian to be more careful. Crazy kid was going to be the death of you, that's for sure. Your heart always seized up painfully when he stumbled in, clutching whatever injury he had. It was even worse when it was a bloody injury because he would faint and you had to stitch it up.

⚗️Varian finally managed to get hot running water to all of Corona. Honestly, you were very proud of him. It clearly wasn't easy (as evidenced by the lack of gauze and stitches in your supplies.)

⚗️What was worse was that the injuries increased. He used to come in every week for something minor like a cut or a first-degree burn.

⚗️ Now, it was every day.

⚗️ You upped your ante. You spent most of your paycheck on expensive healing balms and lotions for Varian because this shouldn't be happening. He shouldn't be getting hurt this much.

⚗️ As you examined one of his wounds to check its healing, an idea came to you. "I don't know a lot about alchemy or engineering, but I am a pretty good doctor. Maybe I could be your assistant or something? Help patch you up faster? You wouldn't even need to pay me, I'd be happy to do it."

⚗️ "YES! I mean: yeah, sounds good." Varian grinned at you. "You'd really do that for me?"

⚗️ "Someone's gotta keep you alive."

⚗️ You grinned back at him.

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laconic-nightmares · 1 year

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this is so helpful, christ.

I think im assisted by the fat my thoughts nowadays are less 'what ifa' and more... 'clockwork orange', thoughts that obviously arent real but that devastate me through their repulsivity alone.

ideally I'd hack that function of my brain and memories affected by it off and let that shard of me toil while I rest, recuperate, and then take it to get that whole thing fixed and ideally reintegrate that shard of myself? It would be a painful existence, but like... idk. if I knew it was not endless, and if I got to see me resting in a way I can't, I think I'd be able to manage?

I don't know what other options are available to me, but if its... an option, and if it will let me heal that part of myself and let the rest of me get to be a person, it seems worth pursuing? Idk where to start or if my preconceptions abt this are all wrong though.

again this is.... really a lot. it's either a light at the end of the tunnel, or relief that I'm not missing a way out I could've sought out. tysm.

they really can get quite disgusting, i know and i sympathize, sometimes it feels like having the worst fucked up horror movies just playing in your head 24/7 with no off button and it is completely understandable to be horrified and disgusted by them. i'm somewhat desensitized most of the violent/sexual ones these days because i decided to just. do art about it. oddly enough coping with fiction isn't just for the folks with ptsd, ahah.

obviously, you know your mind best, and you know yourself and your situation best. expectation and intent do have an effect on how these things turn out, even if there will always be things you didn't expect to show up. if you believe it would be compartmentalizing yourself to help you heal and rest, not just shoving them down into a box that never gets opened (by you, at least) again, that is a different story entirely.

and. well. just in general, even if it doesn't work out, trying sometimes is better than doing nothing. it really seems like you're at the end of your ability to cope alone and frankly even a 'bad' coping mechanism is still a coping mechanism if it's keeping you going.

i can try to rustle up some resources for creating headmates if you want/need me to. it's not something i talk about often because of the sysmeds but the r/tulpa subreddit is where we figured out we were plural, and we do have a 'tulpa' even if he doesn't really use the term anymore.

the other thing i would recommend you look into (or if you need me to do some googling, i will - frankly i'll probably have a look anyway for my own sake) is something called Exposure Response Prevention therapy. obviously these are 'best' done with a therapist/psychologist/someone who knows what they're doing, but sometimes just studying the thing can help to a degree if that isn't an option.

from what i understand ERP is considered the gold standard treatment for OCD currently, and i have seen anecdotal evidence to suggest it helps with intrusive thoughts.

other than that i just want to say that i am so proud of you for reaching out, and for taking steps to try and make things better for yourself. both of those things are so hard to do, especially with OCD brain

i can't promise super quick responses or that i'll have answers for everything, but our ask box is always open if you have other questions

#sickened answers #current nightmare; dmitri #sorry for the wait for a response waking up is not kind to our brain #takes a while for words to become useful

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uten4 · 2 years

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Filled some shipping charts for UNIB completely unprompted because I knew it was the right thing to do

Orie & Wagner

I LOVE THEM. Either platonically or romantically is so good, and it's so freaking correct to say that the comedic potential of them becoming girlfriends is worth it on its own. Wagner Succumbs To Love. And aesthetically they're quite good together :) ❤️💙

It IS complicated though because it is just so... so plausible that they would make each other worse skjnvjkvs... they're both dogs of Licht Kreis... sure they rebel in their own ways, BUT IS IT ENOUGH? Especially since half the ways Wagner rebels is like. "I'm technically not supposed to kill anyone, but I reaaallyyy want toooo *puppy eyes*" ALSO Wagner's freaking (internalized) racism that she super unfairly projects onto Japanese people and Japan as a whole has to be fixed and atoned for before I support any relationship involving her 😭 (in fanworks, including my own, I'll generally take it as implied that she did...)

But on the other hand of making each other worse, they could help fix each other... be able to relate to each other because they're both high-ranking members of this same organization, and they both likely had no choice in life except to take that path...

But yeah. I like them. Their contrásts. Their existing relationship. Very good, very funny.

Chaos & Gordeau

I love them.... maybe a little obsessed with em even, idk if anyone noticed X) It's complicated though because uhhh their writing is weird sometimesssssss... but still v wholesome and funny overall so!

Oh they so make each other worse. Gordeau straight-up launched Chaos' villain arc. And now Chaos is supporting Gordeau's rampage of vengeance. That actually doesn't make me feel more complicated about them though :) And I don't want them to have any angst either, even though it could make sense. Just be surprisingly wholesome besties forever please.

They're SOOO aesthetic together.

^ Look at that. On point. As for whether they're a rarepair... among UNIB players I would say they're not, but in this universe we live in all UNIB ships are huge rarepairs, so I think I deserve some rarepair-haver sympathy for them anyway. 🙏

Strix & Zohar

Okay I'll be honest idk how to explain why I love them so much. It's already kinda hard for me to come up with Romance, so for characters who appeared so little together, or appeared so little in general, I'm sort of just relegated to *rotates them in my head.*

But the most important part is that Strix love Zohar so much :) She's doing so much just to reunite with her... she cares about her relationship with Zohar so much... and I wanna interpret her feelings as romantic and I support them. I'm very curious what kind of relationship they had before All That Stuff Happened!! How did Zohar treat Strix? Were they really good friends or was Strix blinded by love? I hope they were good friends, and if not, I hope they somehow manage to improve their friendship... assuming the confrontation ever happens ^_^

Idk why it didn't feel quite right to circle "platonically" here though tbh... even though I'd be overjoyed to have more platonic content about them. I guess I don't think about it as much as I think about Gordeau and Chaos Bro Moments, or Wagner and Orie Weird One-Sided Frenemy Rival Moments 🤔 Perhaps because we really did not get any depictions of Zohar and Strix having a friendly conversation; in fact the only conversation we got was a huge outlier to the rest of their relationship.

ANYWAY YES. Wasted potential. I need a whole new game about Strix and Zohar STAT.

#feel free to send me other unib ships to critique if you want heehee #op #unib /

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sirenalpha · 2 years

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someone left a review on one of my atla one shots saying they'd like to see an AU of the full show with the same level of politics I put into the one shot

and the only reason I'm even contemplating this is because I'm almost finished with one of my long fics like I'm literally in the process of writing the last chapter so they caught me at a good time

it would be an absolutely massive project which is part of why I never considered expanding Chances and Opportunities or Frozen Interstice to include the rest of the series

but those were also planned to be short and were actually about Zuko's interaction with the gaang at different points of their character arcs and couldn't help myself with the politics of it all and they would both be far too AU to really consider them fics that were following the series but with a little more realistic politics which is what makes this project different

and I'd want to do this massive project because I'd need to do it in third person omniscient which is a perspective I want practice in but also because I would maybe post less atla meta by actually getting my thoughts out in fic and I know I have people on here on tumblr and ao3 that would be very interested in reading it

but the downside is it would be an absolutely massive project, like the show is 61 episodes, I've identified 6 episodes in the first 2 seasons which could be cut or at least drastically minimized and I think s3 would need a different enough timeline I can't quite say how many eps would be cut but it def would be some but other scenes would need to be added but in any case

that leaves me with roughly 55 episodes and even if I said fuck you to pacing and did one chapter per episode and did one chapter per week (which I def could not do) that's over a year's worth of work

and like yes I've spent multiple years on a single fic before I don't normally go in thinking this will take a year of work to do I just do shit and it takes how long it takes

and to be honest I am trying to switch over to more original work which is also something to consider

so idk I think I might do an outline and see how confident I feel about being able to complete it after that and if nothing else I'll at least have that to either post on its own or if I end up unable to finish the project I'll have an outline to close it out

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spillmygutzzz · 3 months

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Sitting here conflicted and trying to keep it together. If it were any other situation, I'd go to him and I'd just gut myself right there but I can't do that this time.

Maybe I've assumed something and made an idiot of myself but that doesn't change that I luv him- no it's not the same regard but it still means something, yeah? Idk

It kills me to see him like this knowing I can't just fix it. He thinks he's just this unlovable monster and I just wish for even a moment he could see thru my eyes. I wish he could see how kind and compassionate he is. He'll do anything for the ppl he luvs even if it tears him apart- even if it wears him down to nothing. Even when he barely knew me, he has always been there for me and I want to always be there for him.

All those things M has done just ring in my ears but I don't want to harp on it to everyone else. He's just done sm and after I defended him and said he was one of the few not being shit. He digs and pried at me for information on his partner that I wouldn't tell him. He claims he doesn't want to be seen as only wanting to talk to one person but how could anyone think anything but that when all he seems interested in talking abt is him or planning calls. That's what they all do, they only talk abt calls regarding him. It's frustrating. To cause a scene like that in front of someone u claimed to see as a friend but then make him feel like fking shit!? R u fking kidding me!?? To have the balls to bitch at me for how long it's been since u've talked to him as if I have control over that? As if I don't fking miss him too? As if it doesn't brutally rip out every vital organ I possess knowing its been weeks since I've heard from him and he's hurting and I can't fking fix it??? Saying u want me to talk to him becuz ur worried he's purposely staying away becuz he's lost feelings? God if I had a goddamn dollar for every time I've heard that yet u won't fking talk to him abt it. It's not fking fair to him. There's a fking difference between acknowledging it's unfair to think that and acknowledging it's unfair and then actually changing. Not just continously doing the same shit.

He's a goddamn person. He's compassionate and sweet and he'll do anything to help. He has a big heart that carries so much. He'd bleed himself dry if it'd help someone. I don't know how anyone could not care for him or luv him. He'll always have a place inside my heart. Even if there ever comes a time where he doesn't want me in his life, I will always hold a spot for him in my heart and I will always welcome him with open arms. I promised him I'd always be there for him and I meant it. For him to feel as if he needs to "prove" he's worth luv? He doesn't need to prove anything. He deserves luv.

U pry and pry and pry for anything abt him and u don't give him any personal space. U think I know what I know becuz I forced it out of him??? That's not how that works. He's fking worn down and tired and yet u can't find it in urself to be understanding over that. He's completely changed since dating u but u wouldn't know that. But I do. I know these things. I fking pay attention and I'm fking angry.

I put emphasis on him being my best friend. I notice when somethings wrong. He feels so deeply and he thinks its wrong but it isn't. He told me he feels more than he let's on, told me that a long time ago before we got closer and I always kept that in the back of my head becuz I knew that was a raw truth.

He told u he wanted to do something on his own and u still pressed and pushed to do it with him and then told me abt it after I had also told u he wanted to watch it alone. Telling me things he's told u as if I don't know but r u telling me just to tell me or to try and prove something? U get frustrated that he tells me things he won't tell u but have u ever thought for a second that instead of getting worked up over that, u should maybe give him time and space?

U sent me this long confession of feelings and nvr mentioned anything to him once. Were u going to tell him at all? U told Evan. Why not him? U claim he nvr tells u when he's ready to call when I knew for a fact that he tells u every little thing he does before calling to make sure that's okay and ur aware of everything. If it's such a problem then maybe u should fking say something. Oh wait. U don't. Instead u go to me abt it. For Christ's sake I couldn't tell u that I was getting to call him becuz I knew ud be all over that. U remind me how long its been since u called him but do u know how long it had been for me? I prioritized ur calls with him becuz that's all I hear abt from anyone over there regarding him and I wanted to make everyone happy.

I just dont know what to do anymore. I haven't even told him abt the feeling I got yet and I'm anxious to but I don't know when I'll get that opportunity but I'm scared to hurt him more than anything but I also don't want to keep it from him cuz it's starting to look like I was right.

But if he wants to see things thru, I won't stop him. I'm scared that call was the last one on one for a long time but it won't stop me from being there when he needs me. I care for him more than he'll ever know and I'm willing to wait for whenever I can talk to him again. I want him to be happy even if it means I'll be at a distance from him. It hurts thinking abt things going back to only hearing from him when he's talking to Michael with texts that have hours between them but at least I'll get to hear from him.

I'm so tired and I want to stop crying.

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yung-goos · 8 months

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Rambles 0.5

i've been meaning to write. idk about what. but theres a growing need to just write. to let everything out. this will become a word salad at some point. whatever.

emotions. -

yea idk. all over the fucking place. i'm sad, lonely, confused, irritated, tired, uncomfortable, bored, hopeful, optimistic, pessimistic, inspired... theres just no keeping up with it. my mind in a constant war between what to focus on and what not to. shut down completely some months ago.. idk how long its been. distanced myself from friends, family I live with. i've been getting better, albeit slowly, but I'm not too disappointed by that. haven't really explained how i'm feeling to my friends, but they didn't seem too discouraged by my distance. i'm sure they'd understand. what i'm mainly stressed out about is having to deal with the fallout of it all with my dad. he's been taking my distance personally, which i'm torn on if i can blame him or not. now that i feel a bit better, it kind of is now. like, he scoffed when i tried to explain that i'm going through a bit of a depressive episode and get distant when it happens. sometimes i really feel like he doesn't believe me when i talk about how i feel. along with his know-it-all, assumptious attitude about everything, i'm starting to believe thats what makes talking to him so hard. like i think what i'm most scared for is not so much the actual 'talk' but the outcome. i do not know if i can handle if he misunderstands, downplays, confuses me, deflects, or even just gets a bit aggressive, as he has shown to do before... idk... cant help but think this is all on me, for not explaining things to him sooner and giving him a chance to understand fully. like the more time goes on where i - or, even we, at this point - ignore this big elephant in the room, the more i feel like we'll never get the chance to hash it out. we were content on trying to communicate after the first time we argued, and now i'm just stunned and feel like i can't... such a simple problem that could be worked through if i wasn't made to be so spineless. coming to the terms that my social anxiety runs so much deeper than i originally thought is fucking me up. can't even go out with friends without distressing myself over some innocuous interaction. i'm so so tired... i miss being around someone, people, that effortlessly broke down my walls and made me feel complete. i just want to be understood.

love. -

fuck love. not really. im filled with adoration. ambition. commitment. lust. desire. but naw. fuck love. kinda. not really though. it's weird, it's like, all the weird people that i've dealt with over the course of moving and being here has left such a bad taste in my mouth. like even thinking about having to sift through a bunch of people to find the ones who won't make me feel like i'm not even worth it... it makes me itch. despite all that, i'm eager to meet new people. eager to accept people for who they are. eager to work through any issues in whichever capacity with others that i care for and love. i wish people would stay around long enough to bear those fruits of labour with me. slowly accepting the fact that not everyone will. i guess that shouldn't be the initial expectation when meeting people. it would do me wonders if i could fucking understand that, but god it is so hard when people misunderstand and jump to conclusions on your entire character based off of few interactions, or don't even bother to try at all. but shit... looking back, i can't say i'm entirely innocent of not doing either myself. gotta keep reminding myself that we're all flawed and going through this bullshit called life will bring the ugly out of all of us. but yea, despite all this, the love has been felt as of late. spending time around my brother and (surprisingly) my mom, as well as being around my good friend and her friends a bunch this summer has cheered me up noticably... slowlllyyyyy wanting to get back out there fr, but i'd really like to put some things into motion before i do, which brings me to....

life. -

ughhhhhhh. aaaAAAUUGHHHH. i just have this big ole back log of shit i've been putting off for so long. and its like, i know what i should be doing, how to do it, and more than capable of getting it done, but for so long just been paralyzed to do anything (unless absolutely necessary). i had a pretty good conversation with a friend of one of my good friends about this awhile ago. they called it decision paralysis, and i think that's an amazing way to explain what i'm feeling. it's like my brain does not know what to focus on at any given point and just freezes up in response. on top of that, the lack of energy and drive (esp. recently) makes trying to get things done even worse. what's funny though, is that this is the least of what i'm worried about. cuz i know the slightest pivot with a splash of consistency in routine would propel my life forward tenfold. like what i really want is within arms reach, i just want to get over some of these deeply seeded issues before really trying to go for it. need to, even. like if i could go outside without tearing myself apart over some spontaneous, maybe even awkward conversation, i think i'd be unstoppable. maybe. but anyways, despite how everything sounds life is... bearable. oddly pleasant, even. haven't gotten into all the new stuff i've bought, games i've played, things that have brought me joy over these months despite everything, but i think i'll get into that on other posts.

bleh.... i think thats everything. for now at least. now that its all out, i think its time i start carpe'ing some diem or something for once.

#rambles #not this being in my drafts for like a month and a half #like when I tell you I have had NOOO energy to do anythingggg #ughh

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pageofheartdj · 1 year

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Wowie, that sounds like quite the self discovery journey, it sucks that so many people struggle so much. I wish you were allowed to just be you without feeling those pressures when you were figuring things out. Hopefully you're doing okay now?

For me and my aroace journey was a ton more simple. I just, never figured out at what age I was supposed to develop a crush or whatever. The only time I ever questioned myself was if someone told me they had a crush on me, and that was more because I felt hurt that people would pretend to be my friend just because they had a crush on me and didn't actually like me. If I told them I didn't like them like that I'd lose my only current friend(s) which always sucked :/

(I had no friends in school really, so that probably impacts me more. I gave up trying to get along with peeps because I just dont understand their social cues or why neurotypical conversations can be boring at times. Why talk about what someone did if you could talk about dinosaurs or how there's enough different types of apples that you could eat a unique one every day for a year and not eat all the types of apples?)

So really I never realized I should have those feelings so I never questioned why I didn't. I did sometimes judge other people for having them because I didn't understand that it wasn't a choice. Sometimes in high school someone would ask me for relationship advice because I gave them a logical answer, and I was really really confused why people would act or do dumb-ish things just because of how someone looked?? Idk tbh

Gender wise my parents gave up caring, and everyone thought I was gay growing up so they thought I was just being gay?? I guess?? My parents were also neglectful though so it was also that they didn't bother explaining gender roles and let me do whatever as long as I was alone.

Similar to being aroace I never realized I was supposed to feel connected to gender. Eventually I came out after puberty and I say I'm trans masc people my gender (or really, lack of gender) doesn't make sense to people. Gender wise I'm not a girl and until puberty when the definition of girl changed for me, I never cared what people called me.

Being (maybe??) autistic probably really feuls this because I struggle picking up and learning social cues, so when people tried to teach me societal things I was too busy doing other things or didn't realize I should be internalizing it. Like i never thought about being in a relationship and even now that i now am an adult technically i still dont care. I like collecting funfacts more than that stuff, so it never registered as a thing to think about lol

Anyways thanks for explaining it from your experiences, it's really interesting learning what it's like for other people!! Have a lovely day!

Thank you! And yeah I am mostly content now. I know who I am and what I need. It's not perfect. We are never done changing and figuring ourself out. I still struggle a bit with society's set that you can be happy only if you have someone, you must be good at socialising otherwise you are a failed human. While every piece in me goes against it. I don't want any relationship, I don't want family, I don't want children. I struggle at making and keeping friends because my brain works in a way that makes it too hard. So it's hard to remember that I am not a failure just because I am not as connected with people and this is not a measure of my worth. I don't own the world to be a factory toy, the same as everyone else.

Ugh yeah this sucks!! I know people can't help their feelings, but still it doesn't feel nice to have these expectations! (also double yes! why should i care what someone did or their little life stories? this is boooring, do people really care about this stuff? i put an effort to care for a friend, but everyone dumps their stories on me! i can be interested talking about specific topics or work. but when its just. life. why is it my business??)

Also 🤝 for giving love advices xD We are not clouded by feelings so we can analyse this stuff from the side while never being in the relationship in the first place xD And it's hard to understand how people can be irrational because of their feelings!(even though it makes sense. it's like how anxiety can make us irrational. but still feels weird cause these are bad things in bad condition. while they have this bad thing in something good xD)

I am sorry your parents were neglectful! But at least you weren't pressured into roles, so at least there is some saving grace?

I thought I might be agender because I never cared about gender. I like being a bit femminine in a light pretty way, but also neutral/male style also worked for me. But then I was told that not caring for your gender is a cis thing?? I don't know, I feel like I am more like gnc in a passive 'I don't actually care and I wish it didn't exist' way xD

I've read somewhere that if you are queer there is a high chance of being ND and vice versa. Maybe it's not true, but it certantly feels that way xD Maybe because of hetero/allo normativeness of the society, that our brain from the start tells us 'we dont get social norms and we wont' XD

Your experience was also interesting to read! I love talking all about it!! Have a nice day too!❤

#aroace #asexuality

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polygonal-trees · 1 year

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I don't much like putting this stuff here but I need to get it off my chest and I don't want to use my main

today, after thinking about it for a long time, I decided to put some much needed distance between myself and somebody who used to be a very close friend. I don't want to cut them off completely but idk if pur friendship will survive

and the truth is that i don't even feel that bad about it because it really needed to happen.

what used to be a normal, happy relationship turned extremely toxic. there had always been ups and downs, but nothing that couldn't be talked through and overcome. or so I thought. in retrospect I wonder if I was just giving in and apologising to avoid conflict

but anyway, my friend has a long history of mental illness, including suicidal ideation. this is incredibly stressful for friends and family in its own right and I've weathered many sleepless nights, but it was worth it because I could help someone really important to me. more recently however, I feel like my friend was lashing out at their friends far more often and treating us really terribly

I don't want to go into detail but some stuff was said over DMs that was really horrible, and while I know it's a product of their mental illness, that doesn't make it any easier to deal with

and the fact is that I am also mentally ill. not in the same way or to the same degree, but I certainly don't have the mental or emotional fortitude to cope with that degree of stress, repeatedly, from someone I'm supposed to be able to trust and confide in. I went from enjoying my friend's company to constantly worrying that I was about to say or do (or not say or not do) something that would cause them to either shut down and storm off, or start saying some really fucked up and hurtful things

I've also never received an apology. I get that mentally ill people are expected to apologise to a ridiculous degree, but after all the fucking grovelling I've done I'd at least appreciate a fucking "sorry i hurt you"

anyway. we just got back from a short trip - me, them, and a third close friend - and apart from some of your standard travel troubles everything went really well. we all had a great time. and yet.

and yet.

it still ended with my friend storming out of the hotel late at night to stay elsewhere, because they 'didn't want to be around us'. no other explanation until the morning

apparently there were multiple contributing factors, but one of them was that I... didn't say thank you enough.

and good god that's just bullshit

being annoyed at me? fine. thinking I'm ungrateful? fine. but fucking refusing to spend the night in the same building as me?? I'm not putting up with that!!

even if I genuinely didn't say thank you enough (something i disagree with lmao) I have the right to be mildly dickish without worrying that it's going to cause a mental breakdown. I am not - and I cannot stress this enough - I am not mentally healthy enough to cope with that.

and to top it all off, the reason I may have seemed ungrateful or w/e is probably because I am currently going through a depressive episode. something my friend knew about, because I told them.

so to have them turn around and blame me for shit caused by my mental illness when their mental illness causes them to actively hurt people all the fucking time, is just another step too far. again, it's not their fault, but I think their mental illness makes them so self centered that they genuinely don't know how hypocritical they are. and that's not something I can fix

this isn't even the worst thing that's happened, but I know that if this is the result of an overall really good experience, then I need to jump ship before the next genuine crisis because fucking hell

anyway it's been a few hours since I told them I'm going to take a step back and I haven't read their reply yet because I know it's going to be rough lmao

(god but my message was so fucking kind as well, all 'i want what's best for you' and 'I'll treasure the memories'. I don't think they'll ever appreciate how nice i was being despite how hurt and angry i am)

but at the same time, I already feel better, and it turns out that several of our mutual friends have done similar (tho idk if they sent messages) so at least I feel supported and understood. it's just going to be tough moving forward because they were a very significant part of my life for a very long time, tho i know this was definitely the right choice

anyway, back to the robot posting. til all are one or whatever lmao

#vent post #not a tf post #personal #mental illness mention #depression mention #friendship breakups

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the-violet-void · 1 year

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did I ever tell the story of how I started smoking weed on here? I don't think I did, so here we go!

for a little background: I grew up the most anti-drug and alchohol kid. I would berate my dad for having a glass of wine or a bottle of beer, when I was older I would write multiple paragraphs on Facebook about how it was disgusting and filthy and everyone who does it is worth less as a person, etc.

basically I SUCKED.

then one day I find out that my brother's been smoking weed. he got arrested on my birthday for it, btw, that's how I found out. at first I was upset, because it put a damper in my birthday celebrations, but I decided to take the opportunity to learn what it was really like from him and found that it wasn't as scary sounding as the D.A.R.E. fellas made it seem.

then I started seeing videos of people using medically to great effect, and learned that no one has ever died from its use. I figured I wasn't going to smoke it myself, but I wasn't going to judge anyone for it

then New Years 2019 happened.

I was at my mom's house with my dad, brother, and his girlfriend (at the time) (K from here on) and friend (T from here on). we were just sitting in the living room hanging out, just after midnight (I think), and my brother is convincing my dad to try weed

he was successful, so we headed down to the basement. on the way down my curiosity got the better of me and I spoke up. "I'll try some, just a little". of course everyone was really shocked and my response was a really laid back "fuck it, it's New Years" which even suprised me

so we make it to the back room of the basement where they smoked, my brother packs a bowl, and tries to teach us how to use a bong. we decided it would be easier if he handled all that stuff for us and we just worried about inhaling

my dad goes first, then I take a hit. just a small one. a few minutes later I started feeling the effects and I thought they were actually rather nice so my brother asked if I wanted a bigger hit. I said yes

this was a mistake.

while he was lighting the bowl, my brother got distracted talking to K and let it just kinda go for a while. I figured it was just how long a normal hit went for so I just kept inhaling. I realized I was in trouble when T's mouth went agape as he was wide-eyed staring dead at me. finally my brother pulls the bowl and I get multiple lung fulls of smoke all at once and immediately cough the contents of said lungs up

there was a moment of silence before we headed upstairs to watch a movie. they put on this comedy that I don't remember anything about besides the scene where some guys are getting stopped by cops and the guy in the back seat thinking he needed to eat all the drugs they had, only to find out that the cop was stopping them for some menial reason and just told them to have a nice day, and the shot with the boobs in it

at first I felt ok. I started noticing that I could feel like kind of an energy moving in a certain direction, and that was cool, but things quickly went south. I found myself anxious and panicked. I spent most of the movie rocking back and forth hugging a pillow. K let me know that eating snacks can help, so I stuffed my face full of stale cheetos for a while. through all of this I found myself almost convinced that I was hallucinating everything and I was actually on the ground in a puddle of my own bodily fluids

also I don't know if the weed had anything to do with this but when I went to use the restroom I saw myself in the mirror and silently cried for a while because I was so dysphoric. it hasn't happened before or since so maybe but Idk

long story short it was awful, and I decided I would never do it again

a little over a month passed and during that time I came to understand that I had most certainly overdosed. I figured I'd give it another go, so on my birthday (Feb. 7th) that year I asked my brother for a hit. I took a slightly bigger hit than my very first one and found it very enjoyable.

since then almost every time I visited I would take a hit, increasing the dose over time and getting used to it until I was taking pretty big hits like it was nothing.

I've been in love with weed ever since

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