okay so I haven't opened tumblr for like a solid couple months so I just wanted to say:

johnathon ohnn.

the spot.

thank you and have a good day.

i just infodumped to my friends about bpd anakin and i have No Regrets snakjdkajfsk

anyway, doth thee have any more bpd anakin (or just anakin in general) headcanons becuase i am living for this

I am So Sorry this took so long, but hopefully the length makes up for it. Thank you so much for sending this to me bc BPD!Anakin is my entire life. I could talk about it all day, every day.

I’d like to thank @apple-grass-and-smiles for helping me organize my Thoughts on all of this, prompting me to focus on certain things and giving me feedback in general too. 

Okay, here goes:

Anakin fidgets!! I’m not even sure if this is a headcanon but if it is I will die on this hill. He can’t stay still for the life of him and doubly so when he’s anxious, nervous or Ready To Do Something Already. 

We know Anakin can’t hold eye contact to save his life when he’s upset or insecure, but I can also see him having issues with touch when he’s upset, unless it’s from certain people only (Padmé always gets a pass, for example).

Anakin’s quick to let some small stuff go, but larger things people do that hurt him (whether intentionally or not) aren’t really ever forgotten, and he just kind of takes that in and suppresses it, until random moments when it pops up, he remembers, and it just hurts like it’s happening all over again. The people around him often have no idea what fully sets him off, bc to them, his reaction now seems out of nowhere while his mind’s still stuck on this other thing.     - His reactions also seem sometimes like they’re Over The Top, but even just remembering past hurts can feel almost disabling at times. It’s worse when he ends up ruminating on it, because the hurt and feelings of betrayal just keep building up over and over until it almost blots everything else out.

When he’s happy or surrounded by those he loves, everyone kind of can feel it too, bc he’s just fuckoff powerful in the Force and esp other Force sensitives kind of gather around his space and just… his affection and excitement are literally infectious. 

This probably runs closer to ADHD than BPD for sure, but get him talking about anything mechanical (robotics, engineering, racing, etc) and he will go from 0 to 100 so fast you’d get whiplash. No one minds though bc, as I said, his excitement is infectious and honestly those around him just adore listening to him go off even though half of it goes over their head.     - Ahsoka may not ever get Gotta Go Fast, but she definitely loves it when he really talks her ear off about all this stuff, bc it makes her excited to learn and she picks up on all of it easily. (There’s a part of her that wants to emulate him and she does def look up to him obviously.)     - We see it with Obi-Wan, but people love to use his love of all things mechanical as a way to distract him from things that upset him. It doesn’t always work but they try.

With Obi-Wan, he ends up on the side of Anakin’s splitting like, all the time. And unfortunately sometimes Obi-Wan can’t tell that Anakin’s lashing out not because of something Obi-Wan’s actually done, but bc Anakin’s young and Obi-Wan’s the figure he can project a lot of his frustrations on.     - It can lead Obi-Wan to being confused and hurt sometimes, bc he doesn’t always understand Anakin’s thought processes when this happens, and it definitely sometimes cuts him to the core. On the reverse side, though Anakin might not always say it to his face, Obi-Wan definitely can overhear him at times when Anakin’s ready to 1v1 anyone who even so much as makes a frowny face about Obi-Wan, which helps Obi-Wan remember that Anakin does love him too, actually.     - It ends up being one of the points of frisson between Anakin and Mace, bc Anakin can’t read body language perfectly, especially when it comes to feelings of abandonment or someone seemingly not loving who Anakin loves to the same degree. Mace has a drier sense of humor at times and defs has a more resting frowny face, and this rankles Anakin at times bc he can’t always tell when Mace is just chilling vs being disappointed, and while Anakin will take it all personally, he ALSO takes any perceived criticism to those he loves personally too.     - Both Mace and Obi-Wan don’t get this bc they have a perfectly fine relationship. Anakin’s just Like That.     - (And super overprotective of people’s perceptions of Obi-Wan. Anakin will go off about Obi-Wan being mean and all that, but fuck you and your entire family tree if you ever even think Obi-Wan’s anything short as the most amazing Jedi to ever Jedi.)

Everybody and their mother can see the pedestal Anakin puts Padmé on, and surprisingly she rarely is on the end of his splitting. When he does, he just internalizes it bc he can’t stand the idea that he’s somehow seen her in a wrong light, or he feels guilty for getting angry with her.     - He also defines a huge chunk of his life around loving her, making her his center for a lot of his decisions and reactions, so when they’re off, his whole world seems backwards. It makes him Really uncomfortable and unsure. He gets panicky and upset and often people have no idea what the cause is so they just end up a lil panicky in return.     - He tends to take it out on others, by doing an exercise or by disappearing to fiddle with something.     - Pads has an easier time recognizing Anakin’s emotional needs, bc in some ways they’re the same as hers. She’s good at reaching out to him, comforting him and reassuring him of her love. And in turn, he like, never fucking shuts up about how much he loves her, and those moments are what make her feel so special around him. Being loved by Anakin makes someone feel important and even get tingly, bubbly happy feelings, because it’s hard to doubt it sometimes.     - There’s a part of her that sometimes worries about how Intense he is, but, like I said, when his positive intense emotions are focused on you, it feels wonderful. And he’s genuinely super sweet and gentle, and she appreciates that, when she tells him to back off about something, he’ll listen to her wishes. (I’m using movie Anakin as my base here bc TCW!Anakin in this regard is just…. bad y’all lmao)

Anakin’s anxious about Ahsoka All The Time. He’s afraid he’s a bad teacher, he’s afraid he’ll mess her up somehow, he’s afraid he’ll hurt her or she’ll get hurt, and that’s why he can’t stand the idea sometimes of her being on her own. It’s not a lack of trust in her abilities, but because he feels responsible for her, and that’s why he’s always ready to put himself between her and literally anything that could potentially hurt her. (Even if it’s not a physical threat.)     - There are times she finds this amusing and times this makes her angry, but mostly she is long suffering. There are times she appreciates it though, bc she’s still a kid and isn’t always sure which way is up, especially when in a war. Anakin is often a cornerstone for her, and though she’d literally NEVER admit it, his overprotectiveness can sometimes be a reassurance. She knows she can handle herself just fine, but when she has an inkling of doubt, she’ll remind herself that Anakin will be there, and then go and take care of the problem herself.     - She doesn’t always get his moments where he’s not always falling over himself to talk Obi-Wan up or go out of his way to sass at him. To her, they have a wonderful relationship and she rarely notices when Obi-Wan might say something that pokes at Anakin wrong, so she often just winds up ???? when Anakin is huffy or annoyed with her grandmaster.     - She sees Anakin’s anger issues a little more easily than others, and she worries about it but always brushes it off or downplays it, bc she always sees why he’s angry, and also always just assumes (like everyone else) that he can Handle It.     - Anakin’s recklessness and impulsivity are some of her favourite things about being his padawan. He’s literally never boring to be around, and Ahsoka needs that sort of excitement to sometimes push aside the knowledge that she’s literally in a warzone. Anakin’s also really good at doing this intentionally; he’s literally always worrying after her, and all he wants to do is take care of those he loves and make them happy, so sometimes he’ll be Extra just to get under her skin or distract her and honestly this is the basis of where their playful competitions always come from.

If Ahsoka is long suffering, Rex is doubly so. Sometimes it’s all he can do to keep up with Anakin and Ahsoka, but he appreciates Anakin “thinking outside the box”. He also appreciates knowing that Anakin is just as loyal to him and his men as he himself is (well… Anakin is until he isn’t lmao)     - Rex, like Pads, is really good at picking up Anakin’s moods and even trains of thought, so he’s always able to work around that, or even see where Anakin’s mind is going when coming up with a plan. They make a really good team bc while Anakin can jump from one idea to another without them seemingly correlated, Rex immediately follows Anakin’s leaps and they just end up in sync.     - That being said, Anakin can be really confusing at times. His moods are often so all over the place, that Rex generally has no idea what tf is going on. He deals with it by learning to be calm when Anakin’s unable to, and just ride out Anakin’s worst moods until they pass by, learning not to let it all phase him. Anakin lowkey hates it when he’s upset, but once the worst of it passes, he really appreciates that Rex will just… not press like Obi-Wan, or balances out the moments Anakin’s mind is so cluttered by instead just keeping a good focus on things.

Probably everyone’s most baffling symptom of Anakin’s is his paranoia. Obi-Wan kind of sees it the most, because Anakin is always testy with the Council and often feels put on the spot, dismissed and looked down upon. To everyone else, they don’t get where Anakin’s ideas come from, bc everything seems chill on their end. His fretting about others’ well-being is straightforward enough, but his instant panic-turned-anger shift when he receives any criticism (especially the perceived type) always gives people whiplash. It’s hard to keep up with, hard to see what it was that got to him so much, and hard to know how to help (particularly when they’re worried that trying to help him will feel like “taking sides”).     - Ahsoka takes Anakin’s POV of the Council pretty easily, at least when it comes to him. This is mostly bc she’s not there when there’s a meeting or tension around them, nor was she there when Anakin first arrived, so she just assumes they must genuinely often have issues with him too. She doesn’t see it to the extent Anakin does though, but she recognizes that sometimes he seems to blow things out of proportion when he’s upset, and figures it’ll just blow over once he’s calmed down.     - Pads, on the other hand, is always kind of aware of Anakin’s fears of losing her. He often not-so-subtly looks for reassurances that she loves him and won’t leave him, that she’s feeling alright or not angry/annoyed with him. She chalks it up to his trauma with his mother (and she’s partially right), so even when sometimes it gets on her nerves that he seems to doubt her so much, she tries to remind herself of that and let it go. 

Those closest to him can pick up that Anakin tends to see the negative in things, and is generally really hard on himself. They try to help out by giving praise where it’s due and just overall Being There, but it’s Rough to know they often don’t get through. (Palps, on the other hand, knows how to weaponize this.) 

The saddest part is that I don’t think anyone once thought Anakin was Seriously Ill, partly out of ignorance, partly bc they assumed it had to do with his age/upbringing, and partly bc, eventually, everyone was dealing with trauma and even if someone wanted to send Anakin back to the Temple to have a nap or something, they legit couldn’t bc there was a war going on and he also would never have tolerated it at that point in time.     - Obi-Wan’s the one who worries about all of this the most, because he’s always felt such a huge responsibility for Anakin and loves him a lot, he’s just never fully been able to understand how to get on the same wavelength as Anakin.     - Anakin, too, actually never fully figures out that there is something Going On. Everything’s always overwhelming him and even though he prefers doing things at 100mph, sometimes it seems like there is Too Much going on, and even during peace times it just felt like he couldn’t keep up with everything. He hates internal reflection but also can’t stop overthinking about everything, and so he just ruminates and goes in circles and often just ends up going nowhere when it comes to dealing with things. He tries his hardest all the time, he is ALWAYS trying, but doing stupid stunts, fighting droids, making robots and speeding everywhere all the time is truthfully only a bandaid.     - Being surrounded by those he adores and receiving affection from them/seeing them happy boosts his mood a lot but he doesn’t have enough self-awareness to guess at why his happier moods just won’t last.     - Sometimes he can figure out when he’s being irrational and then just takes it out on himself, which only exacerbates his bad episodes. 

Palpatine doesn’t help. He’s abusive, manipulates Anakin all the time and is the Worst and definitely makes everything Anakin is struggling with harder and I think we should all just punt him into a sun thank you this isn’t a headcanon I just want everyone to know how much I hate him

Ep. #1 - “hail santa that is all.” (Chrissa)

Nothing much really so far. We got into tribes so far everyone seems cool ans all so can't wait to see what happens from here.

Opening thoughts: I'm very much downplaying my knowledge, making it seem like I care most about challenges, know nothing about how online Survivor works (I played and hosted one) and not a massive amount about the actual show either, asking a lot of questions. Trying to find people with the most similar personalities and let others propose any alliances.

boy am i overwhelmed

Day 1; So I'm sitting here, eating dinner, a salad with garlic bread and a mike's hard pineapple strawberry lemonade, and I decide to do a confessional! Lets talk about my tribe, first and foremost. We're the "Second Chances" tribe. Fitting, we're all FLOPS. Imma do this in the order we were REVEALED to the world. Because that's cute, right? We're basically the beauty tribe bc everyone is lowkey real scrumptious lookin. Eric; Before this game, Eric and I bonded in the Ahkmim VL about how we never get cast for tumblr survivor, and how we're waiting for redemption, and I'd feel bad leaving him as the first boot. So hopefully he'd also feel bad, and wanna talk to me. I don't think the two of us have much in common yet, he's into anime, and reading, which is like, two things I'm not really down for, but I'm definitely gonna give Spirited Away a try sometime soon so I can talk to him about it. I kinda wanna ask if the red in his hair is naturally like.. blood red. But maybe that's the lighting in the room, or maybe he died it even MORE ginger, because I often hear to him referred to as GINGER Eric, but also i don't wanna have an awkward "No, this is just like.. normal ginger" conversation. Megan; Ohhhh Megan.. my girl Megan. We've had a rocky road in our friendship, and I wish I was just talking about ice cream. Something about her though just makes me have infinite patience for the things the two of us deal with, I can't help but just want to be with her all the time. I scouted her out from FaceBook to play my Whodunnit, and we've been extremely close ever since, our game relationship has been rocky enough for me to worry slightly about her, but all I can do is trust her, and build good enough relationships with other people that if she tried to fuck me over, I would know, and strike first. Its still unclear to this day whether she had a hand in my elimination in a Big Brother game we played, 1984. What is crystal clear, is that we cried together while she cast her vote to evict me. I love her, won't never stop lovin her. I'm hoping this can be OUR season to dominate, because I feel like we're almost evenly matched when it comes to a jury vote. Will; "Whoop-de-do" iconic king of not getting his haircut. Uhh.. idk what all to say, because before the game, I knew nothing of this man. However, Monty said something about him being alive and on Skype, and my mind immediately goes to "Is he hot?" and I check his profile, and publicly announce that he's hot. Which isn't FALSE, but then we both get revealed for the game, and put on the same tribe. So now we're vibing, and relating on the fact that tumblr players hate us, and we've deemed each other, "Heather". He's currently petitioning to call our tribe "The Heathers" instead of Enlil. We get on really well, and he's pretty damn cute. Also, he goes to bed SO early, I hope we get enough time to talk and get close on this tribe. Julian; Well. This is a lot to unpack, but I found out he was playing about 3 days before the game, and since that point. He's gotten unnecessarily aggressive with me, and a couple others over non-tumblr related matters. Julian and I have a rocky history, between me being recruited, and auto-casted for his ORG, Trinity Survivor, his ex-co-host/current-best friend berating me, and deleting messages to make me look bad. To Julian throwing passive aggressive low-blows about my social ineptitude in my face if I'm angry about something, to us making final 3 together in minis. Overall, I'm constantly at odds about how I perceive our relationship, I want to be able to assume the best of him, and say that I'm good in his book, no matter what happens. I think a lot of the time, our friend group isn't the most mature, and it is really difficult to have an adult conversation with someone from within that friend group, without someone else having an opinion to share on it, so I've heard things that he's said about me, that I'm not necessarily sure if its true or not, but I try my best to hold a strong, level head and smile whenever I see him, but sometimes its difficult wanting to approach a conversation with someone head on, but knowing that you can't do that with him is definitely a struggle of mine. We have very different communication styles, and its difficult to see past it sometimes. For now, I'm going to be working with him, but I'm not sure how long that can last, as he admits it himself, he can only handle my personality for short periods of time. Jack; Well, Jack hasn't said a single word for the last three hours, since the game has begun. I don't WANT to have to stay up till 5-6 in the morning to try to have a conversation with him, but if that's what I gotta do, then that's what I gotta do. Chrissa; Chrissa, Todd. My LOVE. Chrissa is someone that I owe something to, she's amazing, beautiful, talented, show stopping, never before seen, etc. Our game relationship is not great, because I organized her first boot in Ascendance Season 4; Back to the Future. However, it was because she was attached to someone that kept accusing me of having powers behind my back. So, hopefully Chrissa forgives me, and gives me another chance, because I'd love to work with her. I feel like Chrissa is someone who is extremely intelligent, and loyal, and that's someone I want on my side. I love my tribe, lets win every challenge until the merge!!

Well... I’m back again... not going inactive this time! Let’s just do a quick roundup for now: JJ seems to think we’re in a showmance already which is either great or bad for my game, Megan’s a sweetheart and I could see us aligning, Eric is definitely a gamer and I have a feeling he’ll be a loyal, jack and Julian are both pretty straightforward and seem on the quieter side, and Chrissa straight up vanished already so we’ll see how that goes! Basically somebody thinks I’m their husband but I don’t know if I ever signed the prenup, but if it means JJ is gonna spill on how he feels about everyone then that’s some good insight. Nobody really wants to talk game yet but that’ll change soon!! Kk bye for now

Night 1/Morning 2: Everyone on my tribe seems extremely cool and I'm loving the way the tribes are divided. The only name I recognized on the cast was Monty's and he's on my tribe! I don't know him personally but I think he first played around when I was hosting a season. I have hit it off with Johnny the best so far I think, and definitely Isabelle as well. I seem to have a lot in common with both of them on a personal level. Strategically, I haven't locked anything down yet. I don't want to come right out and blurt "ALLIANCE?" with anyone; for right now I'm just trying to play it cool, get to know people as well as I can, and be a likeable presence in the tribe so people just wanna have me around.

I just asked Collin to talk to Adam about forming a four person alliance, which Collin will "bring" me into while Adam suggests someone. This might secure me in a four person alliance which would be ideal, but if it backfires, it will backfire on Collin, not on me. I'm trying to get myself into a majority while insulating myself from being seen as the strategic threat

First confessional before first IC

I was thrust on a good tribe we have JJ and Eric and hopefully this group of people won't make us last in competitions atleast lol maybe if we lose though hopefully i can argue why jack needs to go with his timezone but hopefully i don't have too. 

im ngl idk why i decided to play tumblr survivor again and the instant paranoia of just caring about my PLACEMENT is going to keep me up at night *shivers*

It's been a day in and so far I really like our tribe! I'm vibing with a few of them and it looks like there's been alliance formed between myself, Julian and JJ. JJ has said that he owes it to Chrissa not to vote her out if we lose, and I think he has something with Megan on the side based off what Julian has told me. That leaves Will and Jack, and I've talked with Will a ton. Tomorrow I'm gonna try and see if he wants to work with me too because I feel like to win this season, you will need to keep all your options open. 

Day 2: I got to talk to Jack last night, he was talkin about how he did some funky fresh survivor statistics on how tribe swaps affect tribe line loyalties, which I found super interesting. Then I decided to share a statistics thingy I did on how the Final 3 format doesn't produce an even ratio of male / female winners, but the Final 2 format does, and how potentially something about the final 3 format in survivor could be a factor in why we haven't had enough female winners in the last few generations of survivor. But he didn't even believe there was a female bias in survivor.. which kinda threw me off. Oh well, we ended the conversation on a good note before I went to bed. Well, the tribe seems to be getting along well, I tried to get a tribe call going, but it ended up just being me and Megan helping Chrissa with strategies to get higher scores in the challenge. She can't seem to break 100, and I feel really bad for her, I hope the rest of us can carry this competition, because I would feel like the worst human being in the world if I gave someone first boot twice in a row. Not to mention I'd consider Chrissa a friend of mine. Maybe I'm playing this game a bit too emotionally, before we even have our first tribal. What a concept.. Will and I are only getting closer and closer, we continuously refer to each other, affectionately, as "Heather". But he really lied to me today, pretty hard core. He said he was gonna order his weight in mexican food when he got off work... but he ate Thai instead...? How dare he ??? Rude. Anyways, if he's lying about that, what else could he lie to me about? Smh. Fuckboys amirite? I think that if we lose this challenge, Jack would be an easy vote off. He's in a different timezone, and his age unfortunately would make it really difficult to have a decent social game. If we lose more than once, there's one of two things that could happen.. 1.) There's a standoff between Julian, Megan and I, trying to maneuver this tribe to remove each other. Which is exactly why a friendship / showmance / whatever with Will is so important. Will would likely be the swing vote they try to get, I don't see Chrissa voting me out if I prove my loyalty at the first tribal our tribe faces. 2.) The three of us dominate the premerge portion of the game, and it becomes an impossible to maneuver situation for me at the merge, because all the connections I have outside of my own tribe, both Julian or Megan also have a hand in, with the exception of Jay, who I don't find myself falling that closely to. I feel like I might be thinking too much, too fast. I guess I just can't show the rest of my tribe that. I'm hoping my reads on the tribe are at least somewhat correct this time around. :/

Collin never ended up messaging Adam, and I was worried about falling behind the 8-ball, so I took alliance building measures into my own hands. I messaged Zach about joining up by stating that Collin had told me he also had a good conversation with Zach, and I made sure Zach didn't just feel "brought in" by asking him which person he would want to be 4 in our alliance. He suggested Cameron, which is fine by me. He hasn't officially reached out to Cameron yet, but our plan is to bring Cameron in if we end up losing, and I will probably want to vote Kyle or Grace in that scenario. Hope we don't lose though!

I don't really (or at least usually) stress about challenges and definitely not this early in the game, but some of these people are so stressed and panicky. Will (who I talked to about aligning earlier today like I had said I would in my last confessional) is stressed about not being able to beat his current high score of 199 and feels like he's on the lower end and might be eliminated. I was telling him though that this isn't necessarily about your score, but your ranking. You can get 209 or 189 and still get the same ranking. Chrissa on the other hand is totally panicking. She has an admittedly low score of 89 which she forgot to screenshot which is really rough. She same flash games aren't her thing (and I believe her) but when I tried to calm her down and say there's lots of time to improve and that we can win this, she continued to panic. There's not much I can do for her. I'm not aligned with her right now and she's just really scared to get first boot, which I don't even think will happen. JJ feels obliged not to make her first boot should the scenario present itself, and I'm aligned with him and Julian. If anyone's going home right now, it's probably Jack unless he has connections I am unaware of. I would really like to win though because I love our beauty tribe xoxo 

I managed to find the idol clue, and in telling my formed trio of Collin and Zach, Zach accidentally revealed that he had found it too. I don't think he intended to tell me, so now I am not sure if I fully trust him. I'll work with him for now, but he is going to be a big move player and I'll have to watch out for that

Forgive me father for i have sinned it's been a day since my last confession I've made some progress me and grace knowing each other well pregame means i have an instant ally coming in to help not be first.....or second out and me and Collin seem to be kinda working together I guess?? I hope not fully sure but I feel confident I'm not going if we go to tribal.

hiiii so glad to be back in the game!!!! So thankful I have the opportunity to redeem myself after my huge flop in 94, but lowkey worried about being on the An tribe? Only because it is filled with people who have done well in the past I’m not sure how to measure where I fall within them, but everyone has been very nice and seems to get along with me so far! Also it seems like there is no suspicion from them about Zach and I being siblings which is STELLAR. From looking at the cast I think the only person who knows for sure is JJ, and perhaps Megan? But thankfully they aren’t on a tribe with either of us so that might work in our favor. I’m a little nervous about this first challenge but I have one of the highest scores on my tribe atm, so I feel like if we go to tribal it might be okay. Fingers crossed hehe ;))

FUCK entanglement! FUCK IT IT IS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL hail santa that is all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBoZlL8ZWzY

Zach is playing super hard out in the open. That is good for me, he can make connections to help our alliance, and if there is ever a moment where our alliance gets exposed, he will probably be out in the forefront as a target. The flip side of that is that I might not be able to go to the end with him if he could be perceived as the leader of my alliance, so I'll need to see how the game develops

We came in second in the immunity challenge by ONE POINT. Thank the lord because our group seems very cohesive at the moment, and going to tribal would have put everyone into scramble mode. I've been bonding the closest over the first 4 days with Isabelle, and I am hoping it can lead to a strong game relationship. Right now, we seem to be very social with one another and we have gone as far as to say we wouldn't vote for one another, but I'm still sort of waiting for that defining confirmation (as much as you can get that in Survivor). After that, I'd say I've been pretty chatty with Johnny and Monty equally (but I think I have a slightly tighter personal bond so far with Johnny). Abrielle I talked to more so over the first couple of days but I would say between her, Jay and Madison those are the ones I've made the least connection with. They all seem like good people, just haven't had as much traction chatting with them. I don't want us to go to tribal for as long as we can help it, because for me the best case scenario heading into a swap would be if our tribe had the numbers advantage and some sort of tribe-wide unity going into it. I feel like that way I could be in a good spot but also not in the forefront of the tribe alliance (I'd hope that would sort of fall on Monty or Johnny maybe because of their Tumblr Survivor experience). For now though, just continuing to get to know everyone as best I can and try and make sure people want me around, and have me in their plans moving forward.

https://youtu.be/2ix-llpzUOQ

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https://youtu.be/bwCjV8my_Zc ok my mom walked in so i didn't get to finish my thought, but i guess the full thought is just: what the fuck? like i'm really gonna be watching this vid on repeat while y'all are just trolling us. this will end up in my nightmares. know that. also my paranoia is once again setting in. as i mentioned in previous confessional, i feel like ben and i have bonded the most, and we've both pointed it out to each other, but now i feel like he's pointing it out... almost too much? he's basically comparing our convos to his with the rest of the tribe and that they're much better (which i lowkey agree), but something feels fishy because again IM PARANOID. AM I BEING PLAYED?? like literally the scenario in my mind is that everyone's aligned except me and ben has been chosen as the bug to make me feel comfortable. okay yes im crazy. and it's only day 2 whew! im going to bed goodnight.

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ok now ive found a video about spectograms the channel has liked. this hunt is getting me anxious bc slowly but surely the amount of views on the immunity idol vid is increasing. AHHHH

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ok i found the spectogram and it literally spells out "SINK." (also this shit is scary so again, my nightmare comment holds.) so there are 5 other followers, which makes me know for sure that at least 5 other ppl have found this vid. also i have no idea what to do with the word. i assume that it'll come in handy eventually (maybe a password? send in a chat? comment on the vid? something?) and i really really hope im the only person to find this. i know that's unlikely tho.

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oh my god. oh my fucking god. the clue is at survivor-mesopotamia.tumblr.com/sink . im screaming. proud of myself. BUT of course it says... "clue Though you have found it, No clue has emerged. UNDER CONSTRUCTION, Come back when you’ve merged." i- i have to wait until i've merged. HA. we'll see if bitches get that far. and im bitches. anyways sorry for the spam, now back to your regularly scheduled programming

Day 3: I almost forgot to do this confessional. But here I am, in bed, watching Avatar, and drinking butterscotch milk with Irish cream, which is surprisingly good? Anyways, here we go! First, you’re telling me that we LOST the challenge.. what the hell :( I thought I did so well having 188, but apparently even 256 wasn’t going to cut it. The fact that if Jack could improve his score by 30 points, means we’d be safe from tribal, it annoys me that it felt like he didn’t try as hard as Chrissa in the flash game? Julian, he says we can beast through this game and make final three. This is something I’d really love to be able to trust that he has in mind, but I just am unsure at this moment. He gave me information towards the idol search that I appreciate, and probably wouldn’t have figured it out myself. That felt good, but I feel like he wasn’t giving me everything he knew, just enough to make me feel comfortable. I’ll have to continue to keep my eye on him.. Next, Heather, or Will, my potential showmance. We’ve finally got the opportunity to call each other, we talked about the idol search, and our potential moves in the future. He told me he likes the idea of not playing with Julian, but right after he told me this, Julian asked if we were good? Which was kinda sketch. But I’ll do my best to trust Will, and call it a weird coincidence. Megan hasn’t talked to me much today, but she was a room moderator for sequester, and was visiting a friend today, so I can’t blame her. Chrissa is hopefully safe, I can’t give her first boot in back to back games together, I refuse to be that heartless. She’s so good I can’t do it. Eric hasn’t talked to me much either. For someone who should probably know that his name is on the block, I’m surprised Jack isn’t talking too much to me? Maybe it’s because I’m on the chopping block and I don’t know it. I’d be really heartbroken if I were the first boot.

So we lost the challenge by ONE FREAKING POINT, which sucks ass. But not me doing the best in my tribe on the challenge. We stan improvement. Anyway, it looks like the discussion for the vote is between Jack and Chrissa, namely Jack. Though Chrissa performed worse in the challenge, she's done a better job connecting with the rest of us than Jack has. As of now, that's what the general concensus is. I talked to Julian and he agreed, and we are aligned with JJ. Chrissa would vote our way to make sure it isn't her. Another thing that's happening is the idol search. The video made literally no freaking sense, but when the channel liked this video about spectograms, Julian put the video into it and it spelled sink. It turned out that by putting the word sink into the blog link, it says a clue will be there but at the merge. I guess this means for now there will be no idols, so as long as the people im with are truthful, the person who is planned to go home at tribal will go home without a shadow of a doubt.

https://youtu.be/ury1fLaZQec

Right now everyone on the tribe is at peace and getting along, but we all know that’s gonna change when we go to tribal council.

I'm sad we lost the first challenge. I came back to do better than i did the first time, so the idea of being the first boot would suck. I'm not that close with Chrissa so 100% she's my vote. She has played more seasons than all of us & the second chancers deserve their time. Also, Chrissa did the worst out of us in the challenge so it makes it easier to convince everyone to vote for her, but i also dont want to be the one who targets her first because that could come back round to me, and i would hate that as i've waited over a year for a 2nd shot at this. At the moment i'm closest with JJ & Will F, they are 100% my final 3 right now. I like Megan & Eric as well. I've only had 1 comversation with Julian and we did get on well but we havent talked about anything since then. I've tried to talk to Chrissa but she's never really tried to talk to me.

Hi!! Megan for my first confessional!! Yall are gonna have to remind me throughout my time in this game to do these because I'm SO bad at remembering to do confessionals lmaooo. So this first round there's been a lot going on. There are three tribes- newbies, flops, and a tribe of vets who have played well. Clearly I am on the flop tribe, because I was a SAD pre-merge boot in Svalbard. I was feeling really excited about my tribe and definitely thought we could do well and at least not lose the first challenge - we don't want to be flops again!! But alas, after a long day of doing that stupid entanglement flash game, we have proven our labels and FLOPPED yet again, getting last. SO. now we have to go to tribal council tonight. I am out of town this weekend so I haven't been able to talk to many people but I hope I can make it through this first vote. All I've heard so far is that people want to keep the tribe strong so we don't lose another challenge, and based on the first challenge scores, the two bottom challenge players would be Chrissa and Jack. So far I have heard that people want to do Jack instead of Chrissa, which I am fine with. I haven't talked to him that much and I think the time zone difference unfortunately puts him at a disadvantage, so honestly, we should probably vote him out first. I am nervous of course though because people have been fairly quiet and that's never a good thing, but I am hoping and praying that nothing crazy happens and Jack is the first boot and all is good and fine with that. Okay now I'll talk a little about the players on the tribe and how I feel about them- Okay so obviously I know JJ and Julian fairly well from previous games & also being in various group chats together. So far we are planning on working together as a trio and I am GOOD with that so far. Chrissa I have played with once before but she's not very social or talkative, and tbh, I haven't had a DM with her in this game yet, but she seems sweet. Eric I like a lot, he is funny and outgoing and a little chaotic and I love that in him. I think I know him from something previously but quite honestly I don't remember him, but he remembers me LOL. I hope they're good memories. Jack, again, I haven't talked to him much because of the time difference I think. Also isn't he like a minor? Oof that's weird. Anyway onto the final member of my tribe - the king, the legend, the literal love of my life - WILL!!!! I had never met Will before this game but we vibed IMMEDIATELY. We get along so well and we have a lot of things in common and we like the same kinda things. We've had a lot of really good conversations already and I feel the closest to him in this game by far, even though I have known other people on my tribe longer. I adore Will and I will do everything in my power to make sure we both get as far in this game as we can. Okay I think that's enough for a first confessional, bye!!!

Things have been pleasant and slow so far. Everyone on the tribe seems nice and at this point I’m still just hoping that we’ll all get as far in the game as possible at the expense of the more experienced players. I’m a little concerned because I haven’t really been party to any strategy talk yet; I think that’s just because no one has thought it necessary while we don’t have to go to tribal, but I’m still worried I might just be on the outs and not know it.

hiiii so glad to be back in the game!!!! So thankful I have the opportunity to redeem myself after my huge flop in 94, but lowkey worried about being on the An tribe? Only because it is filled with people who have done well in the past I’m not sure how to measure where I fall within them, but everyone has been very nice and seems to get along with me so far! Also it seems like there is no suspicion from them about Zach and I being siblings which is STELLAR. From looking at the cast I think the only person who knows for sure is JJ, and perhaps Megan? But thankfully they aren’t on a tribe with either of us so that might work in our favor. I’m a little nervous about this first challenge but I have one of the highest scores on my tribe atm, so I feel like if we go to tribal it might be okay. Fingers crossed hehe ;))

I’m SCARED I’ve been out of the loop for TOO LONG. 

from what I've heard i am safe i won't be comfortable until i heard the votes not being all me. 

https://youtu.be/oX4-_QPoqNk

https://youtu.be/YviOufmjmps

My brand is having 4 minute confessionals

from episode 1 https://youtu.be/VqDkCGLTARU

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from episode 1 also https://youtu.be/mklfEHtGp04

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9UqNr3fbiE

Jack voted out 6-1

We need new ways to do cute stuff with the boys. What if next fan sign everyone brings a basket of flowers, and they shower the boys in flower petals? :) Memories are more valuable when made without things. Like you don't expect a kid to remember you because you made him have a toy they'll remember you because you went on a hiking trip that made you realize you loved to hike. IDK if this makes sense...

haha you’re very sweet but that wouldn’t be allowed either? i think someone from bighit’s staff would straight up tackle you if you tried to throw anything at them.. i’m not sure i get your point right here, if you’re talking about the boys remembering the fans or the fans remembering the moment, either way that is true and i’m sure the fans at the fansign are still glad they get to spend some time with them at all, but it’s still “less than” it was before

Anonymous said:

talking about the “old days” honestly I feel like I’m kind of falling out of love with bts??? I still love the members, and wish them the greatest lives but I can’t say I really enjoy bts as an “"idol group”“ as much anymore. I feel pretentious as hell saying this but I feel like every part of their lives, music, and public image is so micro managed that it’s hard to really feel connected with them anymore? It’s just lost that spark of wonder and excitement I used to feel. Like it’s nothing -

Anonymous said:- special and they’re just another idol group. Which was pretty hard for me to come to terms with tbh - bts was such a big part of my life and I just don’t really feel like keeping up with them anymore. I will always love the boys, I just don’t vibe with the feeling behind the group anymore. ((( anyway lmao this is just me getting my feels out bc I felt like I needed to )))

i really understand how you feel because it’s something i’ve been struggling with myself… i will let out my feels for you in return :) i got into kpop a long time ago, almost 10 years now, and i liked many groups over time.. but as i got older and understood the industry more and more, i stopped stanning groups? like after some of my fav groups lost members and started disbanding, i was just over being a fan, i still listened to the music but didn’t follow anyone close anymore because i just didn’t like the whole kpop formula anymore, and then i got into bts and they brought me back into it.. because they were really different from all the other kpop groups i have ever known.. their relationship to each other seemed genuine, they actually really seemed to care about their music and their performances never felt like they were there just to get through it like some other groups i have stanned (coughexocough), and they actively communicated with fans to an extent i have never experienced before.. like back in the old days, you really heard from them every day, they updated so much about their thoughts and about what they were doing, they replied to fans on fancafe often, and they did react to people on twitter too.. now when they even just as much as accidentally press a like on a fan’s tweet, they have to go back and unlike it :/ they weren’t as controlled as others back then, they were more honest and open about their thoughts and struggles and their company didn’t seem to have as tight of a leash on them.. now their struggles are used as a marketing point more than them trying to genuinely reach out and share with us… even at fansigns when compared to other groups, they would touch the fans, let the fans touch them, talk to everyone familiarly… you could see them mess around in bangtan bombs, they weren’t afraid to look silly or ugly, but now we mostly just get all these highly polished behind the scenes things… where are the days where you could see them throw snow balls at each other… partly it’s because they grew up, but partly it’s because bighit has too much of control.. and they are so busy and tired most of the time… you know they were recreating the old bangtan bombs in the comeback special… and more than anything it made me sad because bighit still markets them as those loud silly boys that communicate with fans so much, when they have been kept from those things for a long time now.. and that image and recreation of the past just rings false now…

back in the day they just felt really like you were taking the journey along with them, they weren’t as distant.. everything was so real… at least as real as a kpop group could ever get.. but now… i know they are busy, but also because of the popularity they can’t speak as freely anymore because everything they say turns into a trending hashtag.. everything they do gets dissected to pieces.. which i understand a little.. but what bothers me is the fact that the company and their paranoia and them being control freaks has reached such an extent that the boys really feel so distant and cut off from the fans and feel more like dolls used for advertisements because bighit prioritizes money and doesn’t give them enough space to actually work on the music they care about… but now i get to the point why i still am a fan despite a lot of why i became a fan isn’t there anymore… because first i love the boys as people and i adore their teamwork just as much as i did at the start, those things didn’t change, i feel like their bond actually keeps strengthening even though we don’t get to see as much of it anymore..  i still feel like the love for their fans is genuine, like they care about the music and about the performance, i feel like they care so much it hurts, i feel like in their hearts what they want to do the most is make good music and put on a good performance, because when i see them perform i still don’t feel like it’s a chore for them, and that level of genuine enthusiasm is what keeps me here, their relationship and their passion for music and performing is what i believe still makes them very special, i just hate that bighit is doing like everything they can to cut off everything that made them genuine, that made them stand apart? nowadays a lot of smaller kpop groups do a better job at communicating with fans than bts do and that’s sad… like the fact that they were so outspoken and real was what brought a lot of people in, and now instead of capitalizing on it, they get all the more strict because they have too much riding on bangtan, their only group, and they are too paranoid and scared of jeopardizing their position… and also they’re too fucking greedy… but my hope is that they will let go of those tight reigns a little again eventually… after their peek has passed… maybe that is a bad thing to hope for… but i am looking forward to the days bighit doesn’t treat the fans like the enemy the boys have to be kept from and protected from, and of the day the boys will feel like it’s okay to reach out to us more again

its funny because the people that should care about you dont, and the people that shouldnt be bothered to care about you just waste their time over you. 

my parents dont know that i cry myself to sleep nearly every night, that i cry on the ride home, or that i wrote a suicide note and plan with full intention to kill myself before 2:30 on tuesday 10/29, they have no idea i think about my own death often or that i plan on killing myself before i turn 30, or how my body shakes every second of the day because everything is distracting or making me immensely nervous. they dont know im frustrated or irritated or that every little thing annoys the fuck out of me or how my paranoia is so bad i always perpetually feel like the entire world is against me, they dont know ive been seeing the counselor since high school and that the psychiatrist bluntly told me i have severe depression with bipolar 2 and prescribed me lamitrogine even though i really disagree with the diagnosis and wished they listened to my concerns about anxiety instead. 

people dont know these things bc i dont tell them and i dont want anyone to worry about me. im pretty good at hiding things bc ive been dealing with bad thoughts my whole life. but relentlessly i choose to believe in optimism because i believe in Allah and he is slowly guiding me through this hellscape. i hate crying in front of people, and i especially dont like have any attention on me ever (unless im playing the guitar, then shut up). i dont like being selfish and self absorbed. and i hate dwelling on the past.

its funny when ur own family has absolutely no idea whats going on because when you did tell them, when u were 14, about the suicidal thoughts and anxiety, they yelled at you and called u attention seeking, so u never told them about the weight loss or the scars or the suicide attempts. its so funny that the people that should care about you dont, and really just prize you as a trophy rather than a human being with thoughts and feelings. 

instead the counselor, my research supervisor, hell my fucking advisor has more concern over me than my own family and (certain) close “friends” ever will have in their lives. it means a lot to me that im finally getting some love and attention that ive always needed, but never realized it.

its funny how things get so distorted in your mind. you accomplish so much yet you feel like you did so little. i am so fatigued all the time, i already feel old, my skin is so dry and my body is so frail, my back aches endlessly, my lips are chapped and falling off, your feet always hurt, your hands are always cold, my mind is so worn. my nails are so brittle at this point and breaking at the edges. my skin is so fucked up id like to rip it off at this point. 

its so weird to me i wrote a whole suicide plan and suicide note and released it with every intention that i will kill myself before the end of the week but yet i am still here, very much alive and (arguably) healthy. with full intention to finish this semester. why? what happened there? and yet i still find myself looking back at that plan constantly with tears running down my face. i have a lot of tears. 

i wanted to kill myself since i was very very young. i remember when my mom would scream at me that she wishes i was dead and that i was her burden, nearly every day, and i would go to sleep crying praying to god he would kill me in my sleep. i would suffocate myself when i was 6 just to try to end it all. i barely had any friends growing up and if i did i saw them briefly in school or once every three months at some gathering. rarely did i leave the house or ever get involved in the community, except for the sports my dad would force me into. i had little social interaction, and not many adults in my life to look up to other than my mom. i never felt like her daughter, i felt like i was some sister of hers. i never had a loving maternal figure in my life, save for a few teachers i have had, god bless them. now she only loves me because i can do things for her. when she hit me she didnt love me. when she screamed at me every day she didnt love me. when she told me to kill myself she didnt do that out of love. she doeesnt remember any of these things and claimed i made it up. i feel like im in hell. she had a hard life, to be fair...but i would raise my daughter differently. i would prefer to stay away from the word “burden” when referring to my children. 

i have a good life and ill never dispute that ever. i was born with a lot of privilege. so why am i like this? who knows. you feel like your whole life was stolen from you and that you missed so many oppurtunities that you could have taken but every bone in your body screamed “no”. its bittersweet knowing that i am finally getting help but where was this help 6 years ago? how much more could i have accomplished if i had people in my life supporting me? and that i only receive this support recently? i only had two adult figures in my life and they were both my parents, my mom being very emotianally abusive and self centered with the maturity of a 6 year old, and my distant father who barely made any effort to listen to me, both who denies any sign of mental illness or health defects of any sort when the signs were clear. 

why are my parents so concerned about my marriage when they should really be concerned about me?

I feel so emotionally stunted, as if i am still 15 years old, becasuse i am finally allowed to leave my damn house. what a life i have lived, so uneventful. never allowed to leave or wear what you want, say what you want, do what you want, because you are a muslim girl. fun is banned in islam, and in my family, apparently. no sense of humor, style, color, everything is so bland and monotonous it makes you want to scream. no passion, no motivation, just the same robotic shit for 20 years. why would i want to live a life like this i ask myself? for the rest of my fucking life? id rather die. at least in hell i can do what i want.

i hate being in my skin. sometimes i hate being in my body too. i am forced to wear mutliple layers of thick makeup every single fucking day for 12-16 hours straight because my skin is that fucking terrible and ugly. i cant imagine being naturally beatiful and having clear skin and then boasting about it, on top of that. its so infuriating. i am so ugly. no one can convince me otherwise. i feel so trapped so trapped no one even knows. no one will ever really understand. i dont expect them to. i want to do so much but i can only do so little. im too frail and weak to do anything. im always so tired, and sad, to make things worse. i wish i had so much potential but i dont. im dead already on the inside, like a rotted tree. what hope is there left.

sometimes i want to leave my hometown without telling anyone and never come back. that would be fun. then i can finally have the freedom i want and the ability to actually explore my life like i should. then i can finally choose my own path to the future. but i am confined in my own mind, in my own house, in my own family, in my own city. fuck this.

now i look ahead to a hopefully brighter future. progress and healing is very slow and gradual. the only growth i should focus on is myself. for the sake of myself. and for the sake of God. i will make it i have to keep saying it, speak it into existence, because if i dont, ill wither away.

A guy I've been talking to said that he might have bpd just as a "heads up". He's really sweet and everything seems fine and I would like to make it work (if we do end up liking each other more than friends). Do you have any advice on how to be there for him or just things I should know to expect in the future? I'm familiar with bpd, but not from first hand experience and I'd like to be a gf who supports her significant other the best that I can. Thanks ahead of time for any words of wisdom :]

I wish you luck, guys.. First of all, bpd is an awful, awful disorder and it takes a lot of sacrifices from one person to make a relationship work. I mean, it takes effort from bpd person too, but it's more about the other side sacrificing here. Okay, so:1. Never make him feel unwanted, like, try to response to all his affections and if you don't feel like it bcs idk it's not your day, let him know that it's not his fault and show him that it's true. 2. Be affectionate, emotional, loving and understanding above all, e.g. when he keeps talking to you about bpd or he starts acting exactly how he was describing his syndromes, never be judgmental, never say sth like "I didn't sign up for this", and even if you don't say it, don't act like that, bcs that's exactly what you signed up for. 3. Tell him you love him everyday. I'm serious. People with bpd, or at least me, we're like white blank pages everyday. Another day, another page, different viewing of people surrounding us. If you tell him you love him on Sunday, he believes that it's true only during that Sunday. On Monday he doesn't know it anymore and his paranoia makes an appearance until you tell him that you love him again, and not when he asks you that and you say "yes I do" (tho ofc most of the times it's enough to make him at ease), but anyway it's always better when he doesn't have to ask for your feelings. 4. Don't lie to him, don't break promises (I mean ofc it happens bcs people are not perfect, but please try not to break them all the time/often, bcs he'll get paranoid). 5. Reassurance and conversations are the key - if his doubts make an appearance, ALWAYS try to get rid of them by telling and showing him you love him. Talk with each other about problems, don't let him think that something is wrong without explaining that it's not (or if it is wrong actually, try to explain and convince him that it's not his fault - when it is his fault, explain it in the softest way possible, e.g. once I was with a girl and one time she told me that she doesn't want to do something for now and it looked like it's because of me and she couldn't handle the situation and we were in bed then and I ended up crying all night and everytime she tried to touch me or comfort me, I was doing everything in order not to be touched by her, I was paranoid and I thought she was rejecting me). Okay so now for the things you need to be prepared for:1. People with bpd see the world in black and white. Period. You can interpret it however you want, but they just don't see the grey. And it's not something they can change. 2. They have a lot of trust issues and traumas, and get triggered very easily. They could easily be described as "a very fragile glass". 3. The littlest things can make them depressed, paranoid, scared etc, but it takes something bigger for them to be happier, e.g. you can joke about sth inconvenient and it can trigger them, but you have to spend the whole day being affectionate and loving to fix it. And next days too. 4. Fears are most of the times irrational but they come from previous experiences in relationships or traumas those relationships left on them. That doesn't mean these fears are irrelevant. 5. Mood swings happen all the time. People with bpd are like a rollercoaster ride, at 5pm they're happy, at 5:15 depressed as fuck. It's very exhausting for them to experience emotions in general, and to experience emotions that change all the time is even worse. 6. About emotions - it's like, take your emotion, for example happiness and multiply it ten times. It's like they feel every emotion ten times stronger. So when he says he loves you, he means it ten times stronger than you can imagine, when he looks happy, he's actually at the top of the world. And bcs of the intensity of emotions it's very hard to exist because mood swings happen often and emotions are fucking intense. So yeah. 7. People with bpd are convinced that everything is impossible, unreachable for them, they feel they don't deserve anything. That happens during bad days. During good days they may even feel like gods. When I said about black and white, it has an impact on them as well - they're like walking and talking paradoxes. They want to kill themselves, but they don't, they want to heal themselves by therapy, but they don't, they hate their disorder, but they love it, they hate who they are, but there are some aspects about them that they love a lot (tho it's mostly hatred, they really can't stand themselves as human beings), they can think of themselves as the worst fucking shits on the planet, but at the same time they believe they're better than other people etc. It's because bpd is a disorder of two faces, two faces at the same time. People with bpd deny themselves and it's not normal for them either, but they can't change it. 8. Borderlines in relationships are like: "I know you will leave me in the end and at some point I'll just start counting the days until it happens", but they also try to believe you will stay with them forever and never leave them and that love is the answer to everything. So, that's a warning. If you don't mean to spend the rest of your life with that guy, think about it again, because once something happens and you leave, it will be like the end of the world for him. Literally. 9. People with bpd tend to be obsessed with their significant others. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it isn't, because he will most probably love you SO MUCH that you will become his world, life, sense of existence, everything, but he can also get jealous, possessive, scared of losing you to the point where he basically takes your freedom away and he would do it without even knowing that it's wrong. At some point you will become a goddess for him. 10. They're impulsive. In a fight they say things they would never say out loud and days after the fight they don't even remember what they said. I often compare it to being possessed, because my mouth is talking, my fingers are typing, but I can't control it. I know what I'm doing but I can't do anything to stop it. Emotions are blinding bpds ALL THE TIME. And once the fight is over, they realize what they said or did and they start to apologize, sometimes literally on their knees. 11. They say sorry a lot. Like, A LOT. They are sorry for everything. They feel like everything they do is wrong, especially when their partner looks like sth is wrong and bcs of them (I already said that). 12. They will do ANYTHING to keep you by their side, anything so you won't leave. Most of the times they do the opposite but they believe it will keep you by their side. They have very complicated minds and fragile hearts, so like I said it's a rollercoaster or it's like walking on glass - one bad move and it breaks, most of the times forever. 13. Once they feel hurt by you, it will last for a long time or even forever. When something goes wrong in a relationship with bpd, they remember it and keep reminding themselves of it all the time. They are paranoid since then and most of the times that's the first phase of a process of leaving them by their partner. Why? Because they get hard to handle and people are never that strong to live with that. It's hard, it's really hard to be with someone who has bpd, but for them it's even harder, I believe. But anyway, like I said in the beginning, I wish you guys a lot of luck and especially to you, anon - I wish you patience and strength.