Reminiscence of the Unfinished Wine - Chapter 2

🍷 September seasonal permanent event; banner characters Shylock, Murr, Bradley; 2022/09/11 - 2022/09/19 JST 🍷 special thanks to keyk for the raws, and rusty for catching a couple errors!

Chapter 2

[Location: Manor bar, night]

Rutile: Are you saying you took that without permission? That won't do! You have to go back and pay properly.

Bradley: Payin' the price would make me a pretty shitty bandit, though, wouldn'it? Here, tell ya what. Y'all can keep the empty bottle.

Bradley tossed the bottle over the bar, and Shylock gracefully caught it in a swirl of his pipe's smoke. Furrowing his brows, he quietly examined the label.

Shylock: The date inscribed here… This is certainly this year's wine.

Shylock: The harvest festival seems to be proceeding apace, and production delays or mishaps are not to blame for the wine's absence..

Nero: Ya think he just, uh, forgot to send it?

Shylock: It's difficult to imagine. For as long as this arrangement has stood, Bacchus has never failed to send his wine for my review, even as the years marched steadily onwards.

Shylock: Even in the throes of illness, at a time when he was on the verge of turning to stone, he still made sure to send me a letter - one wherein he passionately described his confidence in that year's work.

Shylock honestly seemed to be at a loss as to why he hadn't heard a word from Bacchus. As he explained the situation, I tilted my head in thought.

Akira: (If it's really such an important exchange… then why hasn't Bacchus sent any wine this year?)

Shylock: …That said, waiting for wine that will never arrive is no way to find the truth of the matter.

Shylock: Tomorrow I shall go pay a visit to Bacchus myself. For this would be a most troubling, abrupt way for a long-standing tradition to come to an end.

Murr: You're not goin' anywhere without meeeee!

Boing! Murr leapt up and stood on one of the barstools along the counter.

Murr: Did you even hear a word our buddy Brad said? The town where Bacchus lives is having their grape harvest festival!

Murr: It'll be super duper fun! During the festival, along with tons of high-class wine, there'll be tasty grape treats and even grape-stomping events! C'mon, let's all go together!

Rutile: Wow, a grape harvest festival sounds like so much fun…!

Akira: Erm… but is it really okay? Shylock, this errand is important to you, and I wouldn't want us to interfere.

Shylock: Of course, you are more than welcome to accompany me. You referred to it as an "errand", but I feel that it's closer to meeting up with a dear friend.

Shylock: The festival will only get more exciting with an energetic, bustling crowd - and, most importantly, I would be truly happy if you all came along.

As though beckoning to our very hearts, Shylock's impossibly enticing smile had Rutile and I nodding excitedly.

Akira: Thank you very much, Shylock. If that's the case, then I would love to go to the harvest festival…!

Rutile: Count me in too, please! Mr. Faust, Mr. Nero, will you two be joining us?

Faust: I can't say I'm not tempted by Bacchus wine, but considering it's a wine festival in Western country… It sounds like it'll be rather hectic. Er, lively. 

Nero: Yeah, but it's not every day ya get the chance to taste real-deal Bacchus wine…

Faust & Nero: Hmmmm…

Akira: (They both look so deeply conflicted…)

Arthur: Can we really do grape stomping too? I feel as though I've read about the tradition before. I think it was something to do with stepping on grapes while singing…

Murr: Yeah, I've done it myself! I don't remember any of the songs we sang, but I remember jumping and stomping and squishing up the grapes aaaall night!

Arthur: As expected, the well-traveled Murr has had an impressive variety of experiences. So when you step on the grapes, are you barefoot?

Murr: Naturally! And then the soles of your feet get all purpley wine-stained! It feels like I'm turning into one of the grapes!

Arthur: That sounds amazing! I used to enjoy making mud footprints when I was a child, but I have yet to experience making wine footprints.

Arthur: Master Oz, I would be very happy if you were to join us. It sounds like a unique, exciting experience that doesn't come about very often.

Oz: If you wish to go, you can go on your own.

Shylock: If I may add, there is a Bacchus wine cellar in the town. Over time, countless rare and delectable wines have accumulated in Bacchus's own archives. In that way, along with enjoying fine wines, you may revel in the sublime time you spend making your choice.

Arthur: Oh, and Master Oz…

Arthur: I'm not old enough to drink wine yet, but… I would really like it if you would help choose a wine for me to drink when I grow up.

Oz: ……

Oz: Okay.

Whether they were attracted by the promise of wine, excited by the thrill of a festival, or just being tugged along by the momentum of the group -- the number of people in our party steadily increased.

Then, Murr suddenly focused back on Bradley, as if remembering something.

Murr: By the way, Brad -- how's this year's Bacchus wine?

Brad: Oh, ya want my opinion? I really think it was --

Shylock: --Shh.

Shylock pressed one finger against his own mouth, his lips parted as though they still carried the taste of something sweet. His deep red eyes, the color of late-summer fruit at the height of ripeness, narrowed teasingly.

Shylock: For the moment, please keep your answer secured in your heart. We have yet to see if my tongue reaches the same conclusion.

Bradley: …….

For an intense moment, their gazes intertwined. Then, after a silence as meaningful as if they were sharing an unspoken secret, Shylock let his fingers slowly drift away from his lips.

Seeing this, the corner of Bradley's mouth pulled into a grin.

Bradley: Interesting. Guess I'll be goin' with ya tomorrow.

Bradley: I look' forward to hearin' yer thoughts on this one, barkeep.

The next day. 

After a scenic broom ride from the Western elevator tower, we arrived at our destination in the countryside.

[Location: Western wine town, daytime]

Akira: Wow… the air smells amazing.

Oz: Yes. Because of the grapes.

The town was small and rural. Quaint brick buildings were clustered cozily together, and lush vineyards stretched out in every direction.

The main street was lined with shops, and decorative grape vines twisted up the walls and over roofs. The atmosphere radiated simplicity and pleasantness, and the aroma of sweet grapes filled the air.

Akira: Ah, and these matching outfits are perfect, too.

Shylock: These garments are in the traditional style of this area's harvest festival. We Western wizards prepared them to help immerse everyone in the thriving festive spirit.

Rutile: Thank you very much, Mr. Shylock. The vibrant colors are so enchanting!

Murr: Around here, adults and kids alike wear burgundy shades for grape harvest festivals. 'Cuz then if you spill wine or get splattered by the flying grapes, the clothes won't show the stain!

Nero: Uh, can ya run that by me again?

Faust: Flying grapes?

Bradley: At ragers like this, once yer drunk off yer ass, folks always start peltin' eachother with grapes. Mr. Barkeep was tellin' me about it yesterday.

Bradley: Squishin' up the runty fruit after the harvest is apparently s'posed to make for a killer crop next year. Some kinda superstition.

Bradley: But I guess, bein' shitfaced 'n all, they can't tell if the grapes are bein' thrown or if they're flyin' on their own.

Arthur: Ahaha!

Rutile: That sounds like a blast!

Just like Bradley said, the town was bustling with preparations for the harvest season.

Residents were all working hard, doing things like putting up flyers, hefting around casks of wine, and so on.

Akira: (It's chaotic and lively, like pre-festival activities in my world… It kind of creates its own unique sense of excitement, doesn't it?)

Just then, an older gentleman crossed the street before us, carrying a heavy-looking tray of glassware. 

Before I even thought to offer him assistance, he stumbled, and the precariously tray of glasses tipped over. Akira: Oh --!

--

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10

to prevent me being arrogant. still about failure and sickness, how a sick people can help another sick people, i need to be healed first, otherwise how can we be filled with His spirit and how others about the changes we had (something that i knew the theory and i knew it at the previous situation, but when He spoke it again, the feeling is just different, the urgency and the pressure is also different). and about going to the next level, somehow i can feel the quality of my prayer increase to another level after the last 4 days, previously when i prayed to have a breakthrough, i dont know and cant imagine the differences, but at some point i can feel it now but dont know how to share it.

Coz in a month i was sick 4 times (2 times mentally and somehow relates to my headache), the other 2 were physically which i never had diarrhea before and people who ate with me had no problem, so it was like premeditated coincidence. This is the first time i was sick that much just in a month, maybe that's why you said im sick often, but the word often just for this month, as usually im rarely sick even in one year. So i thought there mush be something. The other thing that i said to you, during that time, i felt like God was so silent lately, He said something quite often and showed many revelations during the first 2 weeks, but the other 2 weeks was so silent till i was earnestly seeking what happened, why it's so silent and dry (coz it's significantly different between the first two weeks and suddenly change when i didnt feel i did something wrong during that time), like half wet and half dry, to make me think and look back

thursday

so when the first time i moved to TNR, she has a sharing night at HN something on Thu, i had class that night but i still listened to her at some point (my multi ears haha), that's the first time He reminded me to think and look at every detail, why my dad was at jkt at a time he shouldnt be (usually first saturday of first week, so basically he should be here last saturday, but somehow he was back to jkt since end of april, been two week here), that made me needs to move out the apartment. The other "coincidence", i and tnr were sick during the home online schedule, not the on site one, so not interrupting the home schedule. Means we need to focus on ourselves more during the time, and somehow no interruption from other people as well

friday

like i said to you, i saw how her boss treated her, she said to me like 'ga tau knp boss nya lg kambuh nya parah, biasa juga marah2, tp yg kali ini lg marah2 yg lagi kumat gitu'. God allowed me to see that. On the other hand, bcoz i worked in the same room, i had a meeting as well with my team several times and she listened, a very different condition of environment. This made me realise, in my current condition, my previous response was not as good as her, i mean, i still can "mengeluh" even though i have a very nice boss, i still can be burned out etc.

total in friday, i had 5 hours prayer, since morning prayer, before night prayer start i had 30 min of praying first then night prayer at truth id and the last 2 hours prayer at mid night, at that night suddenly TNR asked me to play guitar, i though we will have our own prayer as usual, but somehow it turned out differently and we finished on 2 am, and woke up again before 5am (i just never had that so many prayers between 24 hours and still feel "kurang" even after the 2am prayer haha) usually after night prayer on friday, the night maybe only 30 min to 1 hour

sat

after the morning prayer, we worked as usual as she works on saturday and i had deadline as well, but i need to prepare my sharing night at kg12. usually i will be alone in a room during my online sharing, but now i need to prepare the materials when there's other people, and talk when there's people as well. i didnt feel any pressure of canggung bcoz of that, but what came to my mind was it was double kill, what i said was directly heard by a living creature who was witnessing and could feel the atmosphere directly. the spirit could me more felt if i was saying an empty word.

and we had breakout room even though suaranya balapan that i need to take turn to mute or unmute, but there were many responses and situations that i was witnessing and heard with my ears from the TNR's side (may be later i will share a bit), coz i think i have been writing this for too long haha

sun

somehow we woke up late 5:25 when i saw my handphone, tnr didnt woke up as well, so we were late about 25 min, then after morning prayer with bapak finisihed, we continued the other 2 hours morning prayer till 7.50 am, almost the other 2 hours prayer. this time TNR played the guitar. then 11am ira 1, 5pm ira 2, and TNR had night prayer with HN at 7pm, so played guitar accompanying her till 8.30pm before i went back to my home haha so sunday was full of another prayer and services

maybe that's why i felt like i was at a retreat hahaa

that place was very conducive for me to seek Him intensively, and somehow we were very careful about what we talked about, we didnt speak much. My thought was, if i was not careful in front of people who are sensitive to what i said as we know each other when we were wrong when we talked something we shouldnt, how can i keep that attitude in front of people who has different vibe (you know there's a people when we talk to them, they can trigger us to talk an unimportant thing, not an important jokes or topics or trigger our emotion, and we can easily dragged by them), so it's an exercise for me and how i can maintain it when i meet my dad coz he is someone who can trigger my emotion, you know old people somehow "suka aneh2" haha

Our journey started on 13th January 2022. At first when we were messaging I hardly believed you were a real person. Everything you told me about yourself seemed too good to be true. But still I persevered, hoping and praying that you were real! ❤️

After a couple of weeks talking we decided to video call, I was so nervous I was shaking. I remember getting up at 5am when our call wasn’t until 7. When we called you were in a collared shirt, it seems we both panicked and probably overdid it! The call went really well and we talked for an hour or so, after that we called a lot more frequently.

On valentine’s day 2022 you asked me to be your girlfriend, neither of us cared about the distance and we vowed to make it work. we were both ready, despite the relatively short time we’d known each other.

We booked flight tickets a couple months later, we were to meet at last on the 15th August. Fast forward through copious video calls, messages and sending little parcels to each other, i was at the airport. ready to travel 4700 miles to meet the love of my life.

It was a dream, seeing you in person made me fall infinitely deeper, you were every bit as gentle and caring as you were over video, we spent the next month and a half in bliss. an easy routine started forming of you going to work with a kiss, coming home with the same, cooking dinner together and watching tv till we fell asleep curled up around each other. It was perfect, home was most definitely a person and that person was you.

we spent another 2 months apart after this, me working a little minimum wage job to save desperately to return to your side. we managed this for 2 weeks in December. I managed to be with you for your birthday, finally met some of your family and celebrated the way you deserved. 2 weeks whilst blissful felt too short and soon we were separated again.

We both decided at this time to apply for a visa for me to live with you, the process was tough and I shed many tears over the stress of it. When it finally went through I cried, we both sat on video call giggling, knowing our distance was eventually going to end. 5 months and counting.

I now write this 4 months away from living together. We celebrated our 1 year anniversary over video and had a virtual date night watching tv together. You’re coming to visit me in the UK for the first time in 29 days!! I’m still working, still saving money desperately to have the savings I need for my visa. But man does the future look brighter.

122 days until this distance ends permanently. I can do it, I’ll wait patiently for our forever. 💖

On October 4th 1843, Allen Mair was hung for the murder of his wife, Mary Fletcher.

A sad tale for all involved, this is a double hammy, Mair, aged 84, or 85 depending on the source. He became the oldest known person ever executed in Scotland, and the last recorded hanging in Stirling. Not only this, but Allen Mair, who obviously was a man who held his own importance above all others was also noted for his unusually long, bitter scaffold speech, as recorded in Alex Young’s book The Encyclopaedia of Scottish Executions 1750 to 1963.

Before you start feeling sorry for the old guy read on.........

The crime happened  at Candie End or Curshort parish of Muiravonside, on the night of Sunday 14th, or morning of Monday the 15th May that year, by” beating her with a stick or other weapon, by which she came by her death”.

In his youth, Mair had worked for the Earl of Selkirk, moving to America where he made a small fortune in the wool trade. Returning to Scotland, most of his money was soon squandered in petty legal squabbles, leaving Mair a poor man and what has been described in one source as  misanthropic, in other words, he was a crabbit auld bastard. 

Witnesses at the trial testified that  Mary Fletcher had been abused by him for years, including being starved as well as placed in a locked box-bed for long periods of time. one said she had visited Mary once or twice a day and that round New Year when she had gone round, Mary had complained of having a sore back and she noticed she was not walking very well. She also stated, in front of Mair, that she had not had any food from him, as he had a habit of keeping the provisions locked so she could not get them. He shouted at her and wished her in hell with her soul burning. It was claimed he starved her frequently, but her neighbours provided her with what food they could spare, but this was always done when he was out. Countless times, Mair was witnessed abusing her. 

The witness, a Helen Bennie last saw Mary on 14th May around seven o’clock when she gave her some supper. Soon afterwards she was aware of the sound of blows raining down and Mary crying out. They sounded to her like hammering. She heard Mary say for Mair to stop hitting her and to let her die in peace.

The next morning, having been too afraid to knock on the door, Bennie went round with some tea. It was then she saw Mary in the bed, bruised, blood covering her shirt and her arms bare. There was blood on the bed itself. She offered her the tea while Mair went to the minister’s house.

Mary told her Mair had beaten her. Bennie sent for a police officer and Mair was duly arrested. 

Shortly afterwards, Mary died.

While he was incarcerated in the condemned cell with his legs shackled to a chain rooted in the flagstone floor, he refused food for four or five days in protest. He soon gave up. Condemned prisoner Allan Mair appealed to the Secretary of State for Scotland, but it fell on deaf ears with him stating: ‘The law must take its course’. The conviction stood and the night before his execution he heard the scaffold being erected outside and said what a horrible thing it was to be hanged like a dog.

On waking at 5am on Wednesday, October 4, 1843, one of his keepers read the bible to him and later he was visited Rev Mr Stark. Mair told him he was going to address the crowd and tell them how unjustly he had been treated. At 8 o’clock the provost and magistrates entered the Court Hall and Mair was brought in soon afterwards accompanied by two officers as well as the clergymen who had seen to his spiritual guidance. He was seen to be bent almost double and was weeping bitterly.  A short passage was read to him form the bible while he rocked himself back and forth. During all of this he kept wringing his hands. Once this was complete, he was offered a glass of wine but refused, stating he would not go into the hands of god drunk.

The executioner then tied Mair’s arms behind him. He complained the ties were too tight. He was brought to the scaffold in Broad Street, but he was weak, so a chair was brought to him.

He shouted at the crowd he was innocent, that he had been ‘unjustly condemned through false swearing’.  He cursed those who had convicted him. He paused so the executioner stepped forward and asked him if he was ready. ‘No, sir, I am not done,’ he replied. Mair turned to the crowd again and stated, ‘I have been unjustly accused, falsely sworn against and unlawfully condemned.’ He went on for another five minutes by which time the crowd was becoming impatient.

Executed Today web site give part of his rant as...

The meenister o’ the paarish invented lees against me. Folks, yin an’ a, mind I’m nae murderer, and I say as a dyin’ man who is about to pass into the presence o’ his Goad. I was condemned by the lees o’ the meenister, by the injustice of the Sheriff and Fiscal, and perjury of the witnesses. I trust for their conduct that a’ thae parties shall be overta’en by the vengeance of Goad, and sent into everlasting damnation. I curse them with the curses in the Hunner an’ Ninth Psalm: “Set thou a wicked man o’er them” — an haud on thee, hangman, till I’m dune — “An’ let Satan stand at their richt haun. Let their days be few, let their children be faitherless, let their weans be continually vagabonds”; and I curse them a —

At this point the hood was placed over his head and the hangman adjusted the rope round his neck. He was forced out of his chair and while he was still muttering and wasn’t done raging. The old guy got his hands free and grabbed the rope, delaying his strangulation; the slipshod executioner had to fight off his prey’s clutches to hang him.

The last words I can find that he muttered were....

"I pray that God may send his curse upon all connected with my trial - I curse all the witnesses with all the curses of the 109th Psalm." 

The decision to hang such an old and probably deranged man horrified many. The Spectator offered mock thanks to Sir James Graham for sending a message of deterrence to Britain's octogenarians.  The weekly condemned the hanging as "an act of barbarism... which will stand as an instance of national debasement."

The second pic is from a  Broadside entitled 'Execution of Allan Mair, you can read the full transcript on the link below.

https://digital.nls.uk/broadsides/view/?id=14745&transcript=1

Went to bed at 12:40am after helping grandma get readjusted in the bed, and helping dad function the oxygen tank because the oxygen machine kept going out and beeping on error. I think grandma got anxious from seeing her family members come from grand rapids to visit. I know she missed them.

But man did I get tired.

I had to set an alarm for 3:45am because that's when grandma has to go potty, and I knew mom and dad needed the rest after cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and hosting for her guests.

I kept nodding off to twilight as I waited in the room for grandma to tell me when, so I could help her get up off the bed and onto potty. That wasn't until like 5am.

Glad I could get some sleep in between waiting.

I stayed in there with till 8:30, when she asked for some oatmeal to eat. I think she's having hunger pains, but can't really eat the stuff down as much. We puree mostly everything in the food processor for her. She only ate like a couple spoonfuls. She said her right side started hurting from not eating as much, but we can't make her eat, but there also seems to be a lack of appetite in grandma's mind. I think she's been feeling very tired too, especially after the family visit last night.

This is the first time I heard her fuss today. I cleaned the bucket after she threw up in it and said "Don't use so much Lysol to clean with. I can smell it." I didn't take it personally because I didn't use lysol to clean the bucket, I used Fabuloso and alcohol because we didn't have much cleaner in the bathroom I cleaned it in. Daddy reminded her that I was just trying to clean the bucket out.

She said "I know, just don't use so much."

This was right before she said she feels like she needs some more oxygen, so maybe her not breathing as well and smelling that cleaner made her nose upset.

I've dealt with Grandma and her complaints before, so I'm pretty sure I'm not expecting a happy camper about all this. Im just so glad its not just me to take care of her. So we'll all be making a team effort to help her as she goes along. The social worker, the nurse, and a chaplin is supposed to come from Hospice in the next couple of days. So we'll see how it goes. Its not like the disney movies where the person is happy and being nice to everybody and then suddenly passes.

I think this will be a gradual, slow, but hopefully peaceful passing for her. I know I'm stressed out, but I feel like how I used to be at work. Hopefully we don't get into any arguments and just let her talk if she starts commenting on us not doing something right or if she starts forgetting stuff and then she says that one liner "you calling me a liar?" cause I know what that means when she says that line.

I pray she doesn't go flip mode and the kids don't have to deal with seeing any blood. I'd rather have me and my parents handle that, because we can handle that maturely without feeling that grossed out feeling and wait to hold our comments until after the tasks are finished.

My baby sister, I would be worried to find out she or one of the others were to find her.....like that in the morning.

Because we don't know the timeline and we're not at a hospital. This is real life. Grandma actually came all the way here with my parents to Flint, to come live with us until she passed. And its still just shocking to me. We're putting in our best effort together so this woman we've known for years can have a peaceful going, under the roof and care of her loved ones. We love her and we do care about her. I'm just not gonna expect this to be easy, keep my head up, stay positive, and try to keep my emotions out of it like I do at work. Keeping my emotions off, helps the day seem fast and the work gets done quicker and more efficiently. We're gonna work hard for Grandma and I hope my little sisters can cooperate and not be as selfish and sometimes unhelpful like usual. We have to share our time more and that means less sleep, but I'm glad we're not alone.

I'm glad its not just me, stuck at her house in Grand Rapids again like it was the 1st time and 2nd time I had to help her out at the house.

The 2nd time was the worse, because she was sick, assuming it was maybe covid or a virus, the flu or something else like a cold because of the mucus. And she hadn't been to the hospital in years. The insurance company sent a doctor to check up on her in March and when he just touched that one oldddd surgery spot that she had been talking about for years....it was near the liver and the pancreas. And thats where they said the cancer was, this whole entire time.

I wonder how or when did it start growing? And how long had she known she was gonna die? Even when I stayed with her this year she would say "Just in case something happens to me" or "I'm rotting away." and the pads she would wear in her underwear because she said something kept leaking every so often and she been stopped getting periods because they took her uterus out decades ago.

It's like crazy and mind bottling, because I wanna know why, when, where, and how. I want answers. I want somebody to be able to tell me this is what caused it and am I at risk for something similar either just naturally or just from getting surgeries from doctors who didn't listen to her or tell her what was truly going on...its like nobody knew, but her and God. And she felt everything in her body. Everything. She knew which types of food would hurt her stomach or not, which natural vitamins to help with her pain every so often. I can't even deny that this entire time she's been telling me these stories, moments, and memories all over and over again for one reason and one reason only. So not only she could remember, but also for us to know why she's been feeling in pain for so many years.

She's been duct taping her body like a car for so many years with vitamins for this and hard lemonades to help her get through each day, but she never not once wanted to go to the doctors, the people that she didn't trust for years and held a grudge over it, she knew exactly what injuries and everything that led up to her feeling the stings in her feet, her big toe, her back, her stomach, her side, her lungs, and her chest. She had everything covered like a math equation.

And she's very frugal, did not want no expensive medical bills cause she already felt like a burden to us, even when she came into the house and she saw how much storage stuff we had to clear out of that blue room, she told Daddy she didn't wanna be a burden.

But we gotta take care of you Grandma. Cause we love you and your son, your daughter in law, and your grand babies are gonna help carry you on your way. I don't care if you want ice cream in the middle of the night, I will go get it. I know momma and daddy don't want me to overwork myself, but why do I feel that thing where the mother can't stay away from its child? I don't wanna miss her going, and not have said goodbye and I love you. Thats it, just final words.

Cause that's how you do closure, I wanna know were you in peace when it happened and could I have done anything to help you feel better towards the end. Cause I know what it feels like to not have closure from somebody, I had to do it all by myself and I still feel ungrateful and absent about it. Because nobody talked to me, they just left me hanging.

And I'd be damn if I missed my Grandma before she passed. Her birthday is August 22nd. I know its unlikely to ask for, but can I see her on Christmas? At least? After everything we've went through, her chewing my food up for me when I was little. All the stories she remembered about me eating peaches, chicken, and spaghetti. And how she cooked it with corn flakes so it had the crispiest crunch. And how much I used to ask her to replay Barney when dad would drop me, she said I'd say "Again, Again!" and whoever was there said something about it...

Why do I feel like because we've been so busy helping and working, now is not the time to mourn?

She's still here, but I can still hear her singing our jazzy bathtub song.

"Singing in the bath tubbb,

A doobee-doobee doo

Singing in the bath tubbb

A doobee-doobee doo"

I still remember the note and everything and me giggling and smiling, laughing and singing with her.

Grandma used to sing and listen to music all the time. She showed me a few more songs before we got into it about the hamster.

Honestly, I'm not even mad about all that anymore, I just want her feeling at home and happy with us.

Huntington Half Marathon

February 2, 2020. Huntington, California 

I signed up for this race very last minute. Last minute as in six days before the race last minute. There were no more bibs and I ended up posting in the Surf City Half Marathon Facebook group if anyone one was selling their bib and ended up being able to purchase and change the name of a stranger’s bib who decided to drop out. My friend Jacquie, from Adidas Runners was the reason I was drawn to this race. She posted about running it on her Instagram story and I thought it sounded fun. I messaged her and she immediately encouraged me to run it with her. 

I thought it would be a great first, nice and easy race to start the New Year off right. I was right... in a sense.

Saturday morning Jacquie and I did a nice and easy three mile shakeout around Venice with AR. We took it very slow and stopped to notice the buildings and the sights we normally run straight by without taking the time to view. After our shakeout we went back to headquarters and rested our legs in the Normatech boots, foam rolled, stretched, used the Theraguns, and drank a lot of water. Then we went to our favorite pre-and post-race fuel stop, a Vegan restaurant called The Hive in Santa Monica. We got vegan, green bowls with plant protein and turmeric lattes for anti-inflammation. Then we showered, got in comfy close, picked up some celery juice, more water, coconut water, Macro bars (WHICH WE ARE ADDICTED TO) and headed down to Huntington.

On the drive down we listened to Rich Roll’s podcast interview with David Goggins. It got us so hyped for the race. I kept thinking to myself, if he can run seventy miles on two broken feet I can run 13.2 with some foot pain easily. The drive was nice and easy, we didn’t talk much just listened to the encouragement of the painfully mentally strong Goggins, and continued to down water with electrolytes. When we got to the airbnb which was a few blocks from the start line and from the Convention Center we rested and put our legs up the wall before we decided that it was time to pick up our bibs. We drove a few blocks down the very crowded PCH and walked to get our shirts, our bibs, and some samples of miscellaneous health food products we weren’t too interested in. Then we went back to the house, you guessed and it and decided to do another ab workout because, well, what else do you expect from a Yoga Barre and Yoga Sculpt teacher to do during “rest time.” Around 5:00 we were getting hungry and tired again, it had been a long day and we decided to treat ourselves to a delicious vegan dinner. We got cauliflower ceviche, and a big buddha bowl to share with rice, and grilled veggies, and had some more turmeric tea. By 8:00 we were back at the Airbnb, legs up the wall, race day outfits laid out, and were stretching and theragunning our legs again. 

I felt confident, I felt tired, I felt ready. I laid out my Adidas brand new Alphaskin, 4 in booty shorts, my Believe this Sports bra, black adidas socks, my Blue Hokas which I just got new insoles for, sunglasses my friend Chloe lent me, extra rock tape, Stem Cell patches which my Acupuncturist swore would help my foot pain and overall immunity, headphones Jacquie lent me, two Chocolate Raspberry flavored Huma gels, and my coconut water with hydration tablets. I was ready to go. We were asleep by 8:30.

Before I fell asleep I listened to my Churchome app prayer and meditation and with my eyes closed before I feel asleep I had a long talk with G-d. “G-d, I know through you all things are possible.” I kept repeating to myself and to Him. I prayed for an easy and fun race. I prayed to finish with a smile. I prayed for an injury free race. I almost got all my wishes. As I reflect on this race that was over a month ago, it is important to remember that when we ask G-d for things, He doesn’t simply work as a genie. Yes he is a miracle worker, but not at the expense of our ego. And only as I type this now can I slightly piece together that my ego was in the way of this race and perhaps that is why I ended up with the injury I do now... but more on that in a different post....

We set an alarm for 4:00AM to eat our MacroBars and then would go back to sleep till 5:00AM when we would get ready, brush our teeth, go to the bathroom and foam roll, stretch and get ready. G-d honestly my favorite thing about race day is that you get woken up in the middle of the night to eat a delicious what tastes like chocolate peanut butter brownie. Did I mention how obsessed with Macro Bars I am yet? They are such a clean protein bar, all vegan, all gluten-free, clean simple ingredients. YUM! So, got up at 4, ate the bar, took tiny sips of water, went to the bathroom and went back asleep. Come 5AM we put on our sports bras, booty shorts, race bibs, and were ready to go. We stretched, foam rolled, and did some glute activation in the Airbnb. And jogged over to the start line. At the start line we went to the bathroom ( a re-occurring theme) and did 100m strides to warm up the legs, body, and glutes. 

Then we got into our corrals, I prayed, listened to worship music. Prayed some more. Prayed some more and looked down out my hand. The night before at the restaurant I had wrote down on my hand a quote my dear friend Daniel Marin Medina sent me prior to this race. He was my college cross country captain and told me “Strong legs, stronger mind.” I was ready to go. I kept repeating my mantra, “It’s in the bag. This is easy.”

The race was in fact easy. I took it at my own pace, running the first ten with another girl from AR named Gabby. By mile ten I decided I wanted to pick up speed and boy did I do just that. I wasn’t sure how fast I was going in the moment, but after the race ended I checked my splits and dropped almost a minute from my 10-9:30 pace to 8:30. When I was less than a mile from the finish line I could not feel my feet. I was in so much physical pain but the high of the endurance didn’t let me feel any of it. I sprinted so fast that my phone actually flew out of my pocket and I didn’t even know till after I crossed the finish line. Someone told me I dropped my phone so I had to run back out, spot my phone trying to dodge runners sprinting towards me. I saw someone - a guy, sprint over my phone - and lets just say I absolutely need a new cellphone camera now - whoops. Maybe it was worth it. At the end of the race I found Jacquie sitting on the ground, her achilles was hurting, my feet were hurting. It was a mess. But I finished. And I was proud. I shuffled slowly behind her and our friend Gabby to find our Uber. I called my Dad immensely proud, I called my mom, also immensely proud. I was on a high from the accomplishment, but my feet were hurting and the runners high was coming down and the reality starting to sink in that maybe I did push a little too hard in my training. Maybe I did listen to my ego when instead I needed to listen to my inner voice... again, more on that later. 

We stopped for some coffee and a not great acai bowl, and shared gluten free avo toast (basic, but I love it)! The drive back to Santa Monica was long and sunny, I couldn’t feel my feet and took three Tylenol which I never do but I thought it would be preventive for the aches I was already feeling. I showered at Jacquie’s apartment, threw on some comfy clothes and compression socks, went to whole foods and got vegan sushi and more macro bars because...duh, and then went to a Super Bowl party at my friend Joey’s house - another runner. Luckily for me Joey had a theragun and I laid on the floor, pretty lifeless just theragunning the heck out of my legs, calves, and feet while Joey brought me homemade delicious vegan gluten free ramen. I could only stay at the party for so long before I felt my eyes closing. It was a long 48 hours, and little did I know it would be what would turn into a very difficult season proceeding my Half Marathon.

A bi girls story: update

I hung out with the “M” girl the other night.

I went to a family friends bbq for dinner, my boyfriend came along. We all had a couple drinks. He left around 8:30, precisely when I stopped drinking. “M” didn’t get off work till 10 so I started chugging waters, playing off not drinking for the fact that I did have to work at 8:30 am the next day.

At 10:00 I walked from there to my Dads house where my car was parked. I convinced him and my boyfriend that I was sleeping there. I got in my car and drove 10 mins along the highway to a provincial park, where “M” works and sleeps.

I get there at 11:00, meeting her at the gate and we drive to the staffhouse where she stays, we’re alone. For the first few hours we just talked, knowing we both wanted to get closer, but still too nervous and unsure to make the first move.

Around 12:30 she says, “I wish I had my weed and bong,” and I say “I have a joint in my car.” We head out to light it up, I pull out my car keys when we’re done to lock it but she thinks I’m leaving. I say “no unless you’re tired and want to go to bed,” which she denies. We go back into the hangout room of the staffhouse which has a TV to watch.

We both slowly try to sit closer without being to obvious. She has a sleeve of tattoos on her arm and I begin looking it over. They’re all so beautiful, containing colours and blacks. It includes a horse/unicorn (not 100% but don’t think she’s the unicorn type), an image of her own dog, a wolf one orange in profile, and one multicoloured in portrait. Her arm is so smooth and soft due to the tattoos, I start literally petting her arm and she laughs saying she’s used to that cause everyone does it.

She comments on the length of my nails, saying that I might need to trim them up (cause ya know those mfs are sharpppp). I give her a few scratches on her arm and she’s says with her breath hitching “okayyy maybe not,” as she was enjoying the scratch (later on I think to myself I’ll trim one hand for the obvious and leave one hand long for scratching her;)

I ask if she’s ticklish and she denies but I find that her armpits are. She’s stronger than me and over powers me trying to tickle me, I’m ticklish basically everywhere. We end up basically cuddled on the couch somehow her face on my breast. I shift and she says “Awh I was comfy there.” We get close now and share our first kiss.

We make out for a bit, my body instinctivly moving because I’m so turned on. I start golfing and have to admit to her “I’ve never fucked a girl before,” thinking she has some experience, but she admits “neither have I” which honestly surprised me. She says she can’t just bang someone she needs to get to know them. This makes me feel better cause I’m still trying to learn how to turn a girl on good.

We take a break and watch some more tv; tosh.o , spoungbob, South Park to name a few. We talk about anything and everything. It was always so easy from the moment we started hanging out but even more now since we got our nerves out of the way. We have a few more make out sessions and she’s such a turn on.

Kissing, neck kisses, chest kisses but not tooless whatsoever. She’s grabbing my ass, rubbing my thighs, getting confident to touch me there. Our last makeout was intense and fun. We were getting wayyy turned on, swearing cause we want more but we know it’s not going there tonight. Pushing eachother back and forth with our kisses, kind of fighting for dominance, both wanting to dominate but both really enjoy being dominated. I on top of her, she on top of me.

I say I need to leave at 2 or 3 am so I can get enough sleep to go to work tomorrow. Hours keep going by; 4am, 5am. I debate sleeping but sleeping for 2-3 hours would only make me more tired at this point. She basically convinced me to pull an all nighter, so I stayed there making out with her until 8am. I drove home and got changed into work scrubs, praying my boyfriend would be sleeping. He was awoken by the dog so he saw me come in but luckily didn’t ask where I had been staying lastnight.

I went to work at 8:30 and thought I was going to pass out while in the oporatory by 9:15, kind of honestly fallin asleep; eyes drooping, sight going a bit foggy, having to really think about my words and noticing my own movements are delayed.

I make it through the 5 hour shift until my relief comes in. I have so much to do, pack for a trip, visit a friend who just had a baby, and visit a friend who just moved into a new house. By 4:30 my body shut down and I just completely passed out. My boyfriend tried to wake me up to pack but I just wouldn’t get up, my body had been awake for 34 hours and just shut down.

It’s crazy how amazing being with her made me feel, and I wish my boyfriend could accept my bisexuality and let me have the best of both worlds; what I need to feel complete honestly.

—

We were talking about my work and she says she thought the dentist was gay or bi. I say she has a boyfriend. I say it’s funny you thought that cause I have a bit of a crush on her. And she agrees sayings “she’s really cute ain’t she, got that Asian spice” (I’m like wow this girl knows what’s up). I say she’s really funny and smart and she mentions that intelligent women are more difficult to catch.

Also “M” said she could totally tell that I was into girls. I “show up wearing hats, bucket hats, pics of me at school” (she totally creeped my page haha). I’m like damn I’m that obvious really.

We talked about pride parades said we should go together as a bit of a joke but kind of serious. She wants to get drunk and make out with hot girls. I would feel so amazingly free there.

We talked about my mom saying she thinks one of her kids were gay but wouldn’t tell us who she thought it was because we need to figure it out ourselves. Hi mah it’s me!

She talked about a guy she banged once and how he got so attached they thought they were in a relationship and she’s like lol wtf? So she told me to basically not get attached to her since she doesn’t want to be in a relationship, but fuck she’s so cool I want to spend all my time with her. But I don’t want her to think I’m getting clingy. She leaves soon anyways. But she talked about next summer that she’ll be back and I can ride on her motorcycle with her then. So we’ll see if she’s single or not by thenn !

Around the month of June 2019, my bestfriend suddenly chat me up and said that she want to introduce me to her friend. At that time, I was not really in the mood in looking for a boyfriend but always open to meet new friends. One thing after another, she finally confessed to me that this guy is her cousin, she and his sister want to try to set us up. But, she informed me in advanced that he was divorced, a short marriage caused by his ex wife cheat on him. I said, just as friends, sure why not.

During these time, she and his sister keep in touch finding a way to introduce us, worrying as well that he might not be open for a new relationship. Finally, on the 7th July 2019, a message pop up with a "Hi", and so how it all begins.

At first, we only chat via Whatsapp, then continue to phone calls (he doesn’t like to type), then we finally decided to meet up. During these period, I was also introduced to another guy by my cousin and he is single. But I'm not really interested with the 2nd guy. So when me and 1st guy finally decided to meet up, don't know what actually happened, but we both have cold feet at the last minute, so it was cancelled. But we do still keep in touch. And finally, we decided to really meet up. I already had feelings for him before we met, so when we finally met, my heart skips a beat. But I tried to ignore my feelings, because he was divorced, my parents are very strict and they obviously won't approve this relationship. We chat till late, we had dinner and continue to a nearby cafe for another talk. And I found myself getting more attracted to him. I keep praying to God, if he is meant for me, then He will lead the way.

After the meeting, I encourage myself to ask him out for a movie. Thats our second meeting. During these periods, we always call till late nights, talking bout life and dreams and more. During August, I was facing a huge dillema, as my mom found out that somehow I have developed feelings for him and she does not approve us, I was so stressed, crying to my bestfriend and finally we decided to make a short getaway to Singapore to clear my head.

While in Singapore, we keep in touch, and my bestfriend (who is like a sister to me), she finally asked me the big question "answer me honestly, if he say he love u, will u accept him? With all his past and everything?" Without a doubt and without thinking I said "yes" and she was so surprised. So finally I've made up my mind, I chose him and I keep praying to God, if he is meant for me, then He will lead the way.

Things began to change between me and him, getting into September, he starts to act differently, he starts to show his care, his attention and even started to ask me on my thoughts about marriage. I begin to feel weird what is wrong with this guy. Though I admit, my feelings for him do grow stronger but i keep it to myself, I don’t even have the courage to tell my bestfriend about it. She once told me, when u r ready, pray to God and say "God, if he really is meant for me, please make him say something to me." Day passes by and he started to act more strangely, more care and more attention and then 11th Sept, in the afternoon, he text me and say "u know wad, I actually want to tell u something,but later when we call" and I thought he was only going to tell me about his friend,but he text me again not to go home late that night and so I'm getting frustrated and I pray "God, please stop joking around will u? If he is really meant for me, please show me a sign and make him say something to me.." so the night comes, its our call time and I asked him what was he going to tell me, at first he keep avoiding saying that he forgot what it is, then denying and avoiding and finally after the umpteenth attempt, he finally said "so, after a lot of thinking, I really like ur personality, ur attitude. U know my past very well and yet u never judge me. U r very humble. U know that after what I went through, it is not easy for me to open up my heart again. But I have prayed to God, and I just want to say that I chose u, I chose u to be in my life, to be my partner in life and yes, I love you" and I was frozen in shock, and finally I was laughing and he is confused why I laughed and then I cried.(at that moment he might think that I'm crazy) but I was caught off guard, I didn't expect this at all. And then I told him, "u know what? I love u too.. I was laughing and crying because I just prayed to God this afternoon, if u r really meant for me then He will make u say something to me, then this happens now. I'm just so surprised." And so 12th September 2019 marked as the day when we began our Relationship.

We began the relationship behind the scene, we decided not to tell anyone yet until we are both ready. Every Tuesdays and Fridays, we went to bible study together and pray together, and finally, we confessed to my bestfriend almost a month into our relationship but we still go behind my parents back. But we keep praying to God to lead us and open our way. We keep our faith strong.

5th October 2019, early morning at 5am, in the car on our way to the airport, me and my mom are flying to Bali for my sister's wedding. She suddenly says "hey, if u r already in a relationship with the guy (1st guy), its okay, but just don't rush into things yet, introduce him to me first then to ur dad,after ur sister's wedding" and I was... "what?!" And in my head "how did she find out, what the.. how..what?" Again I was in shocked.

I guess it was early November, then me and him and my bestfriend and her husband we arranged to introduce him to my mom, and somehow my mom give her approval and tell him to come to our house next week to meet my dad and I was again in shocked. And meeting my dad was easier than I thought, everything went very well. And not long after that, we already start to talked about weddings and everything and both of our family decided to meet up on 22nd December 2019, where his brother in law represents his family to ask my parents to asked me to be their daughter in law. And after both parents happily shaking hand and everything and suddenly he drank his tea, pushes his chair and I was "where are u going?" And he got on one knee and ask my hand in marriage, an of course I said YES!

Days passes by, both our parents went along really well, they chat among one another, my parents love him very much and his parents love me very much too and we decided to have our Wedding on 29th November 2020. We have decided our venue, our vendors and even location for prewed photos and Covid-19 happens. And we are forced to postpone our wedding until 20th March 2020. I was sad and angry to God, why does this happen. I was often told, only God knows the best for us, if He postpone something then there must be a good reason behind it.

A lot of things happened in between, his relationship with his business partner getting worse, and finally they split up. And somehow, this is where God's work happen, don't know how, don't know why, somehow, with both of our parents blessing, we both decided to build a business together. Starting up a company is not easy and this happen so fast between May to August, we have to be ready with the location,office, license and many more and finally, TIS is officially operating on 20th August 2020.

Along the way, God really has open up His way for us. Before we even officially open, and the products are not even ready yet, only a few samples in hand, we already have a few strong and amazing leaders who believed in our product, our company and our system and even before we open, 500 boxes of our products have been booked. God is good, His plan is wayyyyyy beyond our plan. And with this, I thought, now I know why God made us postpone our Wedding, coz if we are starting a business and planning a wedding, I will definitely become a bridezilla.

Long story short, the moral of this story is, have Faith in Him, for only He knows what and when is best for us, for His plan is the best for us. We always grateful to God for his guidance throughout our relationship and now as a business partner as well. Have faith and do things with a good heart and God will open the way. We are so blessed and grateful to God for His blessing upon us, without Him, none of these will ever happen.

Keep praying with a clean heart, have a strong Faith in Him and Believe in Him, for what is impossible for us, is possible to God.

Laos

So although it was never remotely on our agenda - we couldn't resist, I mean it was just across the border...so we fit in a quick pittstop in Laos! On our travels people seemed to talk most highly of this South East Asian nation so we wanted to know what it was all about.

Nika

Luang Prabang:

We took a flight into Laos' northern region and were met with thick forests and hillsides that stretched on as far as the eye could see - we were so taken aback with how green it was. On entering town we were surprised again - a clean, chic haven when compared to the dusty roadsides of Siem Reap! It turns out much of the town's French colonial style buildings were protected by UNESCO which explained the impeccable up-keep. The frangipan-lined streets and their charming villas had me, it was easy to see why the classy French tourists were flocking here (that's the only language we heard while we were there!) The Laos people themselves seemed happy and laidback which fit in with what we had read about the Laos mentality of avoiding stress at all costs (we could do with some of that back home!) It was even evident in the atmosphere of the night-market we had to pass through on our route home every evening - if you've been to this part of Asia you might be thinking what a pain to be constantly harassed with 'buy somethingggg?' 'Lady want pantttt?' (You've got to put on the accent too!) but no, not here, not this market - things were different - you could stroll right through without anyone saying anything to you - they really didn't mind whether you did or didn't buy somethinggg! Stress-free living!

The town still had a strong Buddhist touch to it and we explored unique temples with their own style of mosaic, we also stumbled across some very guilty looking young monks who had been enjoying a cheeky cigarette around the back of a temple!! Intrigued by these pious monks, one morning we attempted to get up at 5am for the alms-giving ceremony, where the orange-clad gang parade the streets and are given offerings of food for their day by locals hoping to receive some good karma in return. 5am? You're thinking no chance - they slept in, well you'd be wrong there we actually got up, got changed and were ready to roll until we saw the battering rain. At this point we wordlessly went back upstairs, into pyjamas and slept again until a more earthly hour! We did make it our mission to undertake a final holy challenge though - to climb atop their sacred Mount Phusi where a temple and many a golden Buddha sit looking over the two rivers that wrap around this city the mighty Mekong and the Nam Khan. Hiking boots were once more out from the bottom of our bags and we braced ourselves for what we had read was to be an arduous ascent. 20 minutes later, more than a little confused, we were at the top...Either we have now developed the speed and stamina of a pair of Swiss mountain climbers or people on trip-advisor were exaggerating a lot.. I'd like to think the former 😉

A ride out of town took us to some beautiful, aquamarine coloured waterfalls - which you could swim in! Aaron took it one step further and found himself a spot to sit and have a free, natural fish spa - yes the little fish in the pools rather enjoyed the chance to work away at his feet which have seen quite the battering over these last few months of walking!!👣 🐟 We eventually dragged ourselves away from the nature to do a bit of cultural learning. We went to a museum detailing the ethnic make-up of Laos - and had some good fun trying on some hill tribe gear (we've been good sports and added in some photos for you to laugh at us!) We also went to an after-school drop in to talk to local kids who want to practice their English - interestingly some of the kids had come from far and wide for this chance - so we really felt like it was 2 hours well spent. I felt quite humbled when I was complimenting one of the boys' English asking whether he's improved it by watching English speaking news/programmes/movies and he proceeded to tell me that's not possible as his village has no electricity. It made me realise we were only going to see the tip of the iceberg in Laos because these towns were hardly representative of the countryside. Crossing over the river to the village on the opposite side of Luang Prabang was contrast enough, the villas were replaced with wooden shacks and the paved streets were instead muddy, dirt roads and rather than preened children playing on iPhones we saw mismatched, grubby kids idling their time away in the jungle - it was a bit of a lottery, which side of the river would you rather be born on? We decided to do another sobering trip to learn about the impact of the Vietnam war here...understanding more and more that this should've been called the 'South East Asian war'. As Aaron mentioned in the last blog, Laos was the most heavily bombed country and unexploded mines (UXO) continue to prove an ongoing problem. On a wider scale, it makes their progress in daily life very difficult - for building new roads, new homes, for farmers tilling the land - it's a long process to find out if an area is safe. Sometimes the benefits outweigh the risks and locals actively seek out the bombs for their metal which can be sold to provide a decent income. 40 years on from this secret war they estimate at least one casualty a day still occurs 😔

Aaron

Vang Vieng:

So from Luang Prabang we boarded our cramped minivan and set off for Vang Vieng. Now Vang Vieng is historically notorious on the SE Asia backpacking trail as it was once one of the craziest places to party along with the likes of the full moon party etc. The main draw was and still is tubing on inflatable hoops down the vast river where you will be pulled into numerous bars along the way finally reaching the end many hours later. Back in the day there were endless bars and everyone would get high-as-a-kite and well obviously if you put 1000s of young backpackers, high and drunk on a running river in tubes what’s going to happen...multiple deaths of course...Anyway eventually, secondary to western pressures, Laos reined in the craziness of Vang Vieng. Only 2-3 bars at a time were allowed to be open along the river, drugs were cracked down on and Laos set about making Vang Vieng about family fun and adventure seeking...

We deliberated for a while whether to pick Vang Vieng on our mini Laos trip, but much like when we picked Nha Trang in Vietnam, we thought no matter what, the nature is said to be spectacular so that’ll always make up for any other downfalls. Also it helped that it was very conveniently placed on our route to the capital from Luang Prabang!

The bus journey itself was quite a little adventure there as it shot at lighting speed along narrow mountains roads that at some points seized to be a road at all converting into a rubble pile or a river... A young English couple sat to the left of us spent the journey panicking, praying and repeatedly expressing their hatred for all things South East Asian... to top this off at one point our van was stopped by the military and as we all stood round eagerly awaiting the reason why, we heard a massive explosion go off in the far distance and smoke rising from the top of the mountain - I presume a controlled detonation of a bomb after our UXO lessons (see above). Needless to say the English girl couldn’t handle this turn of events and upon discovering I was a doctor subsequently latched herself onto me....much to my dismay. Not really sure what she thought I’d do in the face of a bomb anyways?!?

When we got to Vang Vieng two things were immediately clear: 1. It was indeed picturesque as-can-be 2. It was still a backpacker's party paradise. As we checked into our hostel called the ‘army barracks’ with camouflaged bedding we were a little apprehensive as to what would await us over the next few days but were ready to roll with the punches (the army vibes must have had an effect 😜). As the town was ready to party we thought on our first night we’d join in the fun and made our way to a bar where they served free drinks for an hour. As we arrived we were a little surprised to see teenage Koreans sat around on their mobiles and fretted whether we had missed the memo and the backpacking crowd had gone elsewhere...Being judgemental n all we didn’t expect the Koreans to party too hard given that they were all glued to their phones so we decided we'd make make the most of our free drinks and then bail. Suddenly at around 9.30pm the DJ threw out the first Korean song of the night and in a lightning flash all mobiles were dropped and the Koreans were mounting the tables and throwing out some serious moves. It turns out the Koreans were ready to party like it was their last day on earth! At this point we learnt that the only other people visiting Vang Vieng, apart from the backpackers, are Koreans who stay in flash 5 star hotels on the river front, spend their day driving quad bikes around the town or staring in delight at the tubing backpackers and then in the evening swarm to one club to go mental!

The next morning still feeling the buzz of our party antics we signed up to join the tubing fun in the afternoon and took the morning easy. As soon as we hopped on the river ready for our ride we were anticlimactically pulled into the first bar situated about 1 metre down the river from the starting point! On the whole, the tubing experience was far more enjoyable than we had anticipated with the 3 bars all having their own vibe with the first place all about the games to get the 30 or so group of people chatting and mixing. The second bar was like a Latino party (great music!) in the jungle where everyone danced like crazy and the third bar the place where all the paralytic drunks made their way home or lay in a bush whilst the rest of us carried on dancing and winding down. Interspersed between this all was an exhilarating ride down the river with some rapids and then some slow patches of water where you could take a peaceful interlude and lay-back to admire the incredible mountains and jungle surrounding you. I think we much preferred the contained and more good-natured fun of modern day tubing in comparison to how it used to be. Also there’s just something so much more enjoyable about a party with a smaller group of people in a surreal setting as it just makes everyone so much more willing to have a good time and drop the negativity you tend to find in clubs back home.

The next day, after one or two coffees, we decided to walk to one of the many caves around Vang Vieng. The cave was surprisingly big and impressive but the highlight was the blue lagoon at its bottom. Strangely it seemed only locals visited this spot, probably as all the tourists were nursing hangovers...If you look closely at one of the pictures below you’ll see the amazing blue stream from the lagoon making its way into the big brown river making for an impressive colour change! Nika and I quickly swapped our sweaty sticky clothing for our swimming garments and dived right in - indescribably refreshing! That night we said our farewells to Vang Vieng by dining in style at an Italian restaurant (actually we ate there the night prior too...) run by an Italian expat, where we had the best pizza of our lives hands-down (two nights in a row!)

Vientiane:

We were super excited to make our way to Vientiane - not sure why but probably because it’s got a cool name and our lonely planet guidebook make it sound like the world’s greatest capital ever visited. When we arrived we were a little underwhelmed as it all seemed surprisingly small. There was no obvious centre of activity other than the bars and restaurants situated around the backpacking corner. On the first night we visited the night market along the Mekong river front which was interesting in the fact that it was ridiculously big and only attracted locals - but the actual items being sold had much to be desired. The next day we hit up the main spots and did our usual trick of endless walking hoping to absorb the atmosphere of the city. The COPE visitor centre seems to be a top destination for Vientiane tourists (Obama seemed to enjoy it on his trip...). It’s found within a hospital and explains all about UXO and then the work the organisation does making prosthetic limbs for people and their impressive outreach programmes going to super rural areas and transforming the villagers lives with their prosthetic arms, legs etc. The work done by the group was obviously beyond impressive but we were a little underwhelmed by the centre, this was however most likely due to the fact that we knew most of the UXO information already from our trip in Luang Prabang. Next up we visited Vientiane’s own version of the Arc de Triomphe, which they call their vertical runway, as the materials were actually donated by America for a runway but somehow became this monument (see pic below). This area was actually very beautiful but Vientiane really did need some more garden areas etc to live up to lonely planet's picturesque descriptions! After a couple of hours spent eating, drinking and shopping we made our way to the Airport for our evening flight to Bangkok. The airport itself was probably the worst capital airport we’ve ever seen, they didn’t even have air-con and the flight was casually delayed an hour without a single announcement or apology but never mind we made it to Bangkok safe-and-sound and...tired!

Still Here

Feb 11,2018 @11:10am

5am- 1992

You came into our bedroom and kissed me goodbye before you left for work.Your kiss gently awoke me. I rolled over and put my hand on your side of the bed. I could still smell your cologne on the sheets. I heard the front door shut and I soaked into my covers and went back into my dreams.

7am-

I awoke to my alarm going off to get the kids ready for school. I put my hand on the top of the alarm to turn it off. I stretched and sat up in bed. As I sat on the edge of the bed I looked down at my feet and put them into my soft slippers. I grabbed my robe off the edge of my rocking chair put it on and walked into the hall way to wake the kids up. I turned on the light in Isabell's room and walked over to her bed and kissed her on the cheek and told her "wake up baby time to get ready for school." She looked up at me and had an excited smile. She had been waiting for this day all week. It was a field trip day at school to the zoo and my sweet Isabell loved animals. Isabell was 7 years old with long brown hair and freckles that only kissed her nose. She was tall and lanky and her skin was a soft tinted brown. Her room was filled with giraffes her favorite animal. She was kind and intelligent and a daddy's girl for sure. I walked out of her room to Jacob's room across the hallway. Jacob was our 16 year old son. He was into rock music and even had his own band that would practice at our house in the garage on the weekends. He had a black Mohawk and wore dark clothes. But even though he seemed like a rebel, he did well in school and volunteered twice a week at the hospitals. He was my first born and had a special place in my heart. I turned on his light and said "Up up, time for school." He rolled over and grabbed is blanket and threw it in top of his head. He wasn't a morning person. I headed to the kitchen to pack Isabell's lunch and start on breakfast.

After an eventful morning I kissed the kids goodbye and they were out the door to head out for school.

8am-

I went to the kitchen fixed me a tall glass of dark coffee then walked to my room opened the curtains and sat in my rocking chair to get a couple of chapters in before my sister came over to go for our morning jog.

8:40am-

I heard a knock at the door and went for it thinking my sister had arrived a little earlier than usual. I looked through the peep hole and seen an officer that stood about 6 foot. My heart skipped. My body turned cold. Why would an officer be here? I opened the door, my hand sweating on the doorknob. "Yes ma'am are you Mrs.Ramsey?" I Shook my head yes because at that moment no words would leave my lips. The officer looked at me with sorrow in his eyes. "I'm sorry to inform you but your husband has been involved in a serious car accident on 45 he is being life flighted to Jenson Hospital right now. My hands shook, my heart jumped out of my chest, my knees hit the floor and I let out an uncontrollable cry.

8:50am-

As I was on the way to the hospital I could feel my foot jumping off of the gas petal shaking from the fear of loosing my highschool sweet heart. I couldn't live without him. Tears ran down my face onto my silk robe as I prayed out loud.

9:16am-

I ran through the hospital doors with my robe and slippers still intact. I went to the front desk and said "Yes, my husband David Ramsey was in a car accident." She looked at me with worry and said "Yes ma'am room 124 3rd floor ICU unit." She then pressed a button to open the doors that lead to the elevators. As I was in the elevator it felt like it was holding me hostage. It was taking so long to get to the 3rd floor. Finally the doors opened and I dashed through.

9:24am-

I sat in the waiting room waiting for the dr to come through to say I could finally see my husband. 30 minutes past by. I looked down at the sleeves of my robe and it was covered in mascara and tears. It reminded me of the amazing night David and I had last night. We went to our favorite restaurant and drank too much wine we then went home and danced like children to our favorite songs and reminisced on our memories together. Little did I know that such a tragedy like this would happen only 12 hours later. If I would of known I would of kissed him a little longer hugged him a little tighter and stayed up a little later, and begged him to not go to work this morning.

Finally the dr came through the waiting room doors and sat down next to me. He grabbed my hands and looked into my eyes. "You may see your husband now his injuries are very damaging and he isnt going to make it through the night, I'm sorry." I didn't respond, I ran to the hallway to reach his room number screaming "He just needs to see me!" When I finally reached his room I opened the door and went to his bed side.

Every thing seemed so loud. Tubes in his nose monitors on his chest and the beeping sound of machines all around him. His face. Bruised and swollen. I kissed his eyes wanting to heal all his wounds. Tears fell off my cheeks onto his bed sheets. I looked at his hands. His wedding band still on his finger. I grabbed his hand and rubbed it on my face. He had just kissed me this morning. He just made love to me last night. This isn't true! I put my face to his neck and kissed him gently. I smelled his cologne. My heart broke at the thought that I am actually going to loose him. I whispered in his ear "You are my sunshine, stay with us." It took me back to our wedding day when he read me his vows. "You are my sunshine and always remember that each day is perfect because it starts and ends with loving you, I promise to love you and cherish you always till death do us part. I promise to protect you and wipe away your tears when things get tough, I promise to be your rock when life begins to weigh you down. I have loved you since highschool and I will love you until the day I die."

I grabbed his hands and began to wipe away my tears. "Please don't leave me! I can't live without you! Please David..."

10:15am

I called my sister and told her the situation so that she could get the kids from school.

The kids. How would I tell them? My heart hurt for them.

1:34pm-

I stood at the window in David's hospital room glaring at the bright clouds. I wondered how it could be so beautiful outside with a day as tragic as this one. I heard the door open and turned around to see my sister I wept as I walked into her arms. "Why Suzie? Not my David!" I went down to my knees, my weight to heavy to hold. She put my hair behind my ears and wiped my tears away. I asked her "Where are the kids?" She pointed her eyes towards the door that lead to the hallway and said "In the waiting room, I didn't want them to walk in until you spoke with them." I shook my head and headed towards the waiting room. As I walked in the waiting room I could see Jason holding Isabell in his lap. Worry smothered their faces. They looked up at me and immediately stood up out of the chair. Isabell power walked towards me "Mommy..." and gave me a hug. Jason stood there and looked at me and said "Mom, where's Dad?" I looked at them and whispered "Daddy's going to heaven." We all hung on one another crying in eachothers arms. Our shirts were soaked in eachothers grief. After we were able to gather ourselves we walked the long hallway back to David's hospital room, where heartache and devastation awaited us. David lasted 16 more hours before his heart finally stopped and his soul lifted up into God's arms.

5am- 2047

I looked in the mirror with water still dripping off of my face. I grabbed the cloth next to me and slowly tapped my face. As the fog cleared away from the mirror I could see myself. 67 years old. Every wrinkle had a story. Every crease was all the times I had cried for him. I still woke up each morning and put my hand on his side of the bed. His Cologne that I bought often was constantly sprayed on my sheets so at night I could be with him and dream of what could of been.

I walked to the room and grabbed my robe off of the rocking chair and put it on. My room still remained the same from the last day I had seen David. It comforted me knowing that somehow he were still here in my day to day life. I opened the curtains and sat down on the bed. I looked down at my weary hands and touched my wedding ring and I went back in time to the last moment you kissed me before you went to work. I touched my cheek and a tear ran down my face. I grabbed my necklace that held some of your ashes and your wedding ring. I felt comforted knowing that you were with me at all times. Suddenly I heard the front door open and little feet began to run down the hallway to my room. "GRAMMY!" It was Jason's daughter Alexis. Our granddaughter. She ran over to me and jumped on my lap. She looked down at my necklace and grabbed the ring and ashes and put it to her lips and said "GoodMorning PawPaw!" I smiled and we both kissed the necklace at the same time. Even though David was gone I made sure that he still lived on in our hearts forever and always. David and I had always talked about one day being grandparents and how awesome it would be to see little pieces of us running around. I knew he was looking down on us and protecting us.

Today was a sad day but also a day of remembrance. We would put David's new head stone on his grave as a family.

As I got out of the car at the cemetery I looked up and seen how bright the sun was and how the birds sung me a love song. The trees were bright with fall leaves flowing off in the wind. I felt David with me. Letting me know that I'm okay. I heard a car door slam shut and looked over on the other side of the street. It was Jason, his wife Maribell, and my Granddaughter Alexis.

As we took the long walk down the trail to David's grave we were all silent. Jason looked over at me and smiled. He put his arm around me and brought my head closer to his shoulder. "I love you Mom." I put my hand along his chest and said "I love you too baby."

When we finally arrived to David's burial sight there stood my sweet Isabell. I walked over to her and kissed her on the forehead. Jason came around and stood on the other side of me . We put our arms around each other and silently cried. then came the laughter as we spoke about memories we all had together as a family. David would of wanted us to live on and be happy and whole. We all looked down at his headstone and it read "Each day is perfect because it starts and ends with love you."

I got into the medical centre the other day. I was quarantined there for close to 60 hours.

I feel as though my body has deteriorated a lot ever since I came here. My whole body had rashes (but thank God it wasn’t itchy, just red dots and black patches when it has dried, eww I know) and I’m unsure of what’s the cause as the doctor tell me there may be a few reason : 1. The humidity level in the ship is very dry as we are in such confined environment with limited exposure to the sun and the air conditioner could have absorbed our moisture as well. 2. The water - as we are actually using filtered sea water for our daily pipe water for the sink or even shower we use. The water in our mess are also filtered sea water, so I had to resort to buying a few bottles of mineral water for the daily needs 3. The laundry - we send our uniform to the laundry to clean them, the detergent that they are using could be the cause of it. Doctor told me to do my own laundry instead for 2 weeks and see how it goes, but it’s the same apparently

Then now I’m having running nose, coughing miserably and had fever the other day. The phlegm that I spit out and the mucus I've blown out contains blood, which is quite scary. I feel like my body is just losing alot of blood. It wasn’t that bad living in the medical centre except the fact that you lost your freedom roaming around the ship since you’re quarantined.

To begin with, it started with my roommate getting sick and was sent for isolation, then they had to called for me, who’s her roommate to run a medical check and see if my body condition is alright. If all is good, I’d have been allowed to go back and enjoy having a single cabin for a short period of time while my roommate is being isolated. BUT, I was already sick to begin with, I had fever, and also tested the same - possibly infected by virus.

It wasn’t that bad of a room, there’s port holes! Something that we don’t own back in our own cabin. We could also order for room service and select from a limited selection of food (they’re very oily basically, and they don’t have rice at all urgh) and the bellboy would deliver the food to us. And you get hours off, but you would probably feel very guilty about it as that means your other team members would have to work extra hard to cover the part where you are missing.

But I had a hard time there, here’s why : 1. I got scolded even when I was trying to take a peek outside of my ward. 2. I got scolded when I was trying to ask the Nurse if I could be allowed to go back to work 3. I was told later that I shouldn’t order my food by myself first, the nurse would have instruct me on when to do it, so we could all order in a batch and ease the bellboy’s job 4. During my 2nd night there, I wasn’t having enough drinking water, it was pointless even when I purse for the nurse button as nobody’s on duty, my whole body literally feels like it’s burning on fire and I was so dehydrated, my nose was blocked, I was having nightmare and hence I couldn’t sleep. I need water since 12AM, I was secretly praying that a nurse would drop by soon enough as every hours passby, it lasted until 5AM and I could no longer take it anymore as I was having migraine and it just feels like my brain would explode any moment. Hence I called for the a Emergency helpline 911, then they helped me to page the duty nurse. I then got scolded by the duty nurse as I was told I shouldn’t have called the emergency helpline. I was left speechless cause that was the only number that came to my mind and I don’t know where else to seek help for if not the emergency helpline. And I think I needed emergency attention also, I could have too high of a fever that my brain just got burned. Cause the next morning when I has my temperature taken, it was 39 degree Celcius. I could have died if it wasn’t for the water. Okay, maybe I exaggerated a lil, but I still couldn’t quite understand why can’t I dial the emergency helpline. Sob sob.

Funny thing about my nightmare, it begins with me reading a book called ‘The Murder Game’ by Beverly Baxton, the whole setting of the story pretty much feels like 'The Hunger Game’ where the victim would be tortured in a cold forest, punished with no food and water and the hunter awaits for the final day of the hunt to kill the victim. My nightmare has a lot to do with this, I was dehydrated from the lack of water, my body was hot but my surrounding environment were cold, so I woke up on and off terrified that night and my heart were beating so fast cause I imagine myself as the Amber Kirby in the story. The doctor came in the morning for further body check and I was dumbfounded assuming he was the Hunter in my nightmare and he’s here for the final bullet shot in my head. It took me 10 second to have realised the reality after that. It was such a thrilling experience, the moral of the day have led me to believe never read any thriller fictional story if your body is not in a good condition.

Anyway, that’s about it, I spent 2 days in the medical centre, bored with nothing much to do, and I just want to pray that God strength my body so that I would be still and healthy during the period while I’m here.

'An apple a day, keeps the doctor away’ We do have apples here, but I’m so lazy to peel off the skin with a butter knife LOL, I’ve became very pampered now that all our meals, laundries and chores are well taken care off ahhhhh.

I got back to work immediately on the 24th Dec, I would update more about my Christmas soon enough, till then! Xoxo

I'm so afraid of having people worry or stress about me I'll never actually talk to them about how I'm feeling. I really think I need to talk to someone though. I'm okay in that I go about my days, I'm still doing why I have to do and I'm able to rationalize why I'm feeling this way. I just don't know how to move past it. I thought I did, I guess Part of me constantly doing for other people is so I don't have to focus on myself. I literally hate talking about myself, I'm almost incapable of talking about my feelings to people, I can write them here cause nobody in my life will see this. The past year an a half has been the hardest in my fucking life. I spent a month in a court room watching people who ruined my fathers life already try and discredit his livelihood, his work ethic and his character. I listened for a month to a heartless bastard try and tear my father apart, try and down play how his quality of life isn't totally ruined even when this next surgery could leave him a quadriplegic, that doesn't mean anything to them though. A slight setback compared to what everyone else is going through, I got shingles, for 4 weeks I had the worst pains, at times I literally could not touch my skin at all u till the nerve pain went away. My best friend and mother of 4 beautiful babies tried to take her life due to post- parting depression, I thank god everyday she's still here and is better. On top of all that, the first thing that started off the 2 year streak of heartbreak and I don't think anything can be as emotionally, and physically painful as losing someone who was a brother to me, he was my fucking brother and he took his own life. The entire situation kills me, I'm heart broken for him of course I miss him every day of my life but like I can't just think about him and not think about everything else that connects to it. I was handling it alright I guess, I kept busy taking care of my grandmother and driving my dad to his doctors appts and hospitals and court I had enough to keep me occupied. So when my grandmother really started getting bad I went to her everyday, sometimes once, twice, three times a day. In October when she really just stopped eating or drinking, responding to any of us, my mom and I slept there every night. We knew it was her time, she practically was begging god to take her a few weeks before. My mom and I slept in chairs for over a week, we finally told my dad and siblings to all come my sister and brother in law came from Maryland my other sister from the city. We sat till 330am talking at her bedside, as soon as everybody left, my mom and I got in our chairs and I was holding her hand about to sleep she started to go, her breathing was getting slower and slower, and I watched her take her last gasp for air. She was 92 and she's suffered so much I was happy she was at peace but I selfishly still needed her. She gave me a purpose, she is the only person who needed me and made me feel like what I do is worth something. My entire life has literally been centered around her. I quit sports to take care of her, I used to stay up till 5am after getting home from class at 11pm to be there when she would hallucinate and yell to calm her so she wouldn't wake everyone else up at night. One year for some reason I woke up really depressed on my birthday and went to her and she didn't even remember who I was when I walked in but she still made me feel so good, eventually she realized who I was and continued to tell me she loved me the most. I didn't work to be there for her and I wouldn't change any of it, she's the most magnificent women, the strongest women there ever was she deserved to be at peace. But now I'm left to figure out a life with out her. I was crushed when John died for so many reasons but i was still always sure of myself, sure of my purpose and what I wanted... i think, idk anymore. When Lady G passed, im heartbroken only because I miss her presence, I am happy she's at peace with my grandpa and her son again. I've had crazy anxiety since she passed away though. My brother in law went through something similar, he took care of his grandmother and she passed and he get a little lost. He was telling me to occupy myself with photography, really start practicing my guitar, start working out again, go back to school like I've been wanting. I've still yet to do any of that because then the day after my grandma passed away my other grandma was hospitalized, I spent two weeks in pa with my aunt going to the hospital everyday, told she has 10 masses in her brain, telling us they're sure it's cancer we're waiting for a biopsy result to confirm. It wasn't cancer it wasn't fatal she will have more than the next three months, because of her autoimmune disease it gave a chance for some parasite to cause a major infection in her brain causing lesions in her brain. So now we know what her problem is, now a new problem they can't treat the autoimmune disease and the brain infection at the same time. They have to stop treatment completely for her immune disease to help fight the infection, another problem, she's allergic to penicillin and one other antibiotic, they figured out some other ones but it's a combination of things idk not as effective. I spent a month watching my grandma die and then before I could burry her, I was expecting to lose my other grandmother. She was out of the hospital for 2 months and today she went back in for a lung infection, possibly due to the parasite, nothing fucking makes sense. They're telling us ten different things all the time I don't even think they know if they can get rid of it. Now my dad has a lung infection which he may end up hospitalized again if it doesn't get under control because he's got lung disease from 9/11 and like clock work for years he would be hospitalized for two weeks at a time. Bonus he's also allergic to penicillin, if he can't get rid of this infection completely he may have to wait longer for his next spine surgery. I need a fucking job and I don't know which way is up lately. Everyday is something and I take one step to lose 3, I don't know how to help myself and better myself when everybody else is going through what they're going through and I feel like I'm being pulled every which way yet still standing still. I can't focus on anything, at all, ever anymore. I watched a kids movie today and his brother died and I started crying then the fucking robot played a video of the kid and I started crying, I saw a meditalks post of a spinal fusion and I teared up terrified that this will be his 4th spine surgery, will it leave him paralyzed, will it be the last or will it be successful and help him be able to feel better for once. Everything's stressing me the fuck out and the only thing I've been able to do about it is type these fucking post to help clear my head. And it helps for a little while until the next thing comes along. I want to actually feel the vibes I give off to people. When I'm laughing and playing and joking I want that to be genuine, I want to be able to tell people I'm good and believe it and for it to be true. I'm blessed more than I could ever deserve, I know this. I really pray that when everybody and everything is settled again, why my grandmas out of the hospital again, when my dads feeling better, when we finally complete this move, I pray that I can finally focus on myself. I need to rebuild myself, mentally, physically, spiritually and professionally. To better help others you need to better yourself first. I need to get back on track. I'm feeling stuck, I've been at a standstill but I'm trying, I need to try harder. I'll get to where I'm supposed to be. It's just so hard when I still feel that hole in my chest. I still feel an actual emptiness and I don't know if it'll ever go away, I'm learning to live with it but it's just so hard.